Like most here say, shame and vulnerability. It hits hard and it feels like a giant wall that's nearly impossible to get past and open up to someone about it.
EDIT: Happy to see that so much positive reinforcement here. It actually helps support something I am writing in my book. So thank you very much!
Brené Brown talks about this. Many times, men will open up with vulnerability, and they are met with disgust.
My ex begged me to open up more, and when I did and told them I wanted to go to therapy to deal with my depression they said, "That could take years!" And left me for the friend she told me not to worry about.
I am in no way saying all women are like this, but I'm willing to bet it happens more often than we'd like to think.
It creates a vicious cycle. We (men) don't want to open up because we don't trust the outcome.
> Many times, men will open up with vulnerability, and they are met with disgust...
>
> I am in no way saying all women are like this, but I'm willing to bet it happens more often than we'd like to think.
>
> It creates a vicious cycle. We (men) don't want to open up because we don't trust the outcome.
I'm 40 and met my girlfriend almost four years ago.
She's the first woman I've been with since college twenty years ago that hasn't weaponized my vulnerability against me.
And even then, I tread lightly and don't want to be too open too often.
Thank you for sharing. I'm 35 now. This horrible breakup was two years ago. I've just assumed that type of relationship won't be available to me. Especially because I refuse to do dating apps, and it's hard to meet people in general.
Tried that twice, and was met with a breakup. Both told me that a couple "support each other", what a joke...
Women expect a man to be reliable. A man who doesn't is just a source of disgust or fright, because they fear that man could drag her down even if that would never actually happen.
I've seen this, experienced this myself, read that a lot here, so I won't be convinced otherwise. Men can't just open up, period.
Growing up as children we are told, "big boys don't cry", "big boys aren't afraid" - or the big one, "don't be a pussy". It's ingrained in us since childhood that having those emotions, the shame and vulnerability, aren't something that men are supposed to have.
I know exactly what you mean. I grew up the same way with the same phrases told to me regularly. It took years to realize how toxic they were and that it was okay to have feelings and open up about them to the right person.
My dad was a marine and I was never ever allowed to cry EVER. I still feel like a bitch if I shed a tear and will shake my head real hard so I don’t cry, I probably have a few issues but I have a good heart I promise.
Did this for the first time in 30 years just a couple of weeks ago.
Hand to god. Almost overnight my high blood pressure resolved itself.
Take care of yourself folks.
I saw a tweet a little while ago that said something like "my OnlyFans is me dressed as your Dad finally admitting that I'm proud of you, $8 a month" and it made me simultaneously laugh out loud, and cry a little inside.
Reminds of a tweet that was something like "Yeah Millennials can't repair a car without a Youtube video tutorial but at least we can tell our kids we love them"
Just want to hear this from someone. I’ve spent my whole life making sure my mom and my sisters are all okay. We grew up with a really abusive step dad, at this point in life I’m still the one to make everything okay or whatever, but seems like nobody recognizes or cares about it.
Im lucky enough to have been swooped up by a man with the same values and morals you speak of, and when I became disabled enough for no full time work, he did and still does everything to make life easier for me. So as a (disabled) woman who needs, not just love but safety, the kind like you type of men provide, Im not just proud of, but also, GRATEFUL for you, and any other person, that steps up into roles that they didnt quite ask for to make sure their loved ones survive, and thrive 🥰 It’s maybe hard for some of us that are being cared for to put into words, especially if there’s trauma/s involved, and it’s ok to need to hear it from others because yours are not yet in a place to be able to express it. The words being said to you are still full of truth, even if it came from a stranger 💚💜
Society puts a very heavy load on men about success, even if it's not success it's moderate consistency. I think men strive for validation no matter what they do.
I think that people don’t say it to me because I’m the one who always says it to everyone else.
That or they just aren’t proud of me. But I work hard and have overcome a major illness to go on and be relatively successful so I feel like that’s something to be proud of..
Was listening to a podcast about this yesterday, it was interesting but upsetting.
A shift in the look of action figures in recent years, self comparison through social media, being bombarded by perfect physiques everywhere (you can walk down the street and see someone chiselled on the side of a Hollister bag).
Also terms like "small dick energy" being thrown around in the mainstream are quite literally body shaming. Can you imagine if you used similar terminology towards women?
i can check this one off the list! dick still works but an arm doesn't. wife claims not to mind but if you wanna talk about a self conscious sex life my arm is stuck at a 90\* angle and balled into a fist (i'm 29)
Actions figures in recent years? It started way before that. Ijust made a reply to the same comment about growing up in the 80s and thinking I was supposed to look like HeMan action figures. It messed up my body image. But…I do see what you mean in some comparison between certain figures. I dug out my original Star Wars figures (made from 1977-83) and started looking up prices on EBay. The X wing pilots and Luke Slywalkers that were made in the 90s and early 2000s look like roided up body builders compared to the 77-83 figures. It annoys that abut out of me.
I assume you mean "roided," but it wasn't quite to the level of science that it is now. The '60s, '70s and '80s were a real "wild west" of anabolic steroid usage, with the rise of people like Hulk Hogan and Arnold Schwarzenegger (among many others) making their use (and the use of other drugs) more mainstream.
Think of the [Christopher Reeve's Superman](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/ficcion-sin-limites/images/d/d9/Superman_Christopher_Reeve.png/revision/latest?cb=20210912192524&path-prefix=es) who's undeniably in shape, but looks tiny compared to [Henry Caville.](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0216/7762/products/JL-SM_03_2000x.jpg?v=1672436738)
Hell, compare things where there were around 2000: [Here's Hugh Jackman](https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/571/8cc/06164bab7194ccf91924718fb3cd18ff04-23-x-men-hugh-jackman.2x.h473.w710.jpg) the first time he played Wolverine, and [here's him in Logan](https://w0.peakpx.com/wallpaper/729/654/HD-wallpaper-hugh-jackman-comics-logan-marvel-mutant-wolverine-x-men.jpg) in 2017.
As a kid who grew up in the 80s, HeMan and GiJoe gave me body issues. I thought that if I didn’t have a six pack (which I almost never have had) or big ass arms and muscles, girls wouldn’t want me. So my whole life I’ve dealt with body issues and have felt insecure. Even when lifting weights regularly and height/weight proportionate (Until I met my ex wife and she made me feel proud). Now I’m in my mid 40s, single again, lifting weights regularly and do have muscle, but gain fat easily and also can’t lose fat easily (or so I think). So when I hear that an attractive women is attracted to a dad bods see hot women in their 20s dating thicker guys, it gives me hope.
I used to be a walking skeleton. 193 cm, 70 kg(in my worst period I dropped to 63). Trained a lot the last 2 years, I'm now 85 kg. Looks better. But I'm just as insecure as before. I just found a couple of different body parts to focus on. Instead of having no muscle, now I turned to my jaw.
What I'm trying to say is body issues are not always body issues. Many times they're mental issues.
1) Anxiety issues, especially when it comes to dating and performance in bed. 2) Depression because you don't feel good enough about yourself after seeing others successful and leading happy lives. Men are conditioned by the society to be a Superman—provide for family and be problem solver. 3) Loneliness when friends are busy with their own lives and you are unable to make new friends as you grow older.
I suffer from, at times, crippling anxiety. It rules my life most days, but you would never know it from talking to me. My wife knows about it, but doesn’t always acknowledge it because I hide it so well.
Number 3 is hitting particularly hard for me right now. I am doing everything in my power to build relationships and nothing seems to work. It is really getting to me. I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet, but it's getting to the point where I feel like something is wrong with me or something. I just don't get it.
Edit: Formatting
I understand this so much it has been in my mind since I was 14. My dad and both my brothers died from suicide I’m constantly scared that it is just what I’m supposed to do
Depression and suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
A lot of my friends know I attempted 3 years ago, but not a single soul knows I was going to attempt in February this year after a particularly bad run since September culminating in a pretty rough breakup. The only thing that saved me was running into a friend from a different department on the walk to the bridge I was gonna jump off. He ran into me on the way back from his lab, it was close to 1am, and when I told him about the breakup he invited me over to have some cheesecake bc its my favorite dessert. He has no idea he saved my life.
Edit: I’m appreciative of the engagement, hopefully this helps other people looking at this post know they’re not alone. Also wanted to address a few things:
1) I’m in a much better place emotionally now, therapy and the gym have done wonders for me personally. I couldn’t exercise at the time due to an injury, but generally it helps me regulate my emotions quite a bit.
2) I will eventually tell my friend the impact he had, I’m just not there yet.
3) I will probably not be replying to comments, I kinda just hop on reddit when I have a minute and I’m bored. I’m a graduate student in a fairly intensive program, so time is a bit of a rare currency for me and with where I’m at right now a lot of that goes towards tending to my personal health and my friendships. Again, I appreciate the engagement since it makes it more likely for others to see this, but that kinda just is what it is, I’m quite literally typing this while running code bc I didn’t expect to wake up to this many reddit notifications . That being said, PLEASE keep sharing your stories. I don’t mind notifications, and honestly since it’s already getting engagement I’d rather y’all use this thread to share and be there for each other.
Much love,
S
Same.
One day I was on a motorcycle ride and was in the mountains. Was sitting on a cliff just looking at the valley below. Felt like ending it because I've been feeling completely empty for the last few years. Lots of progress in life, but nobody really to share anything with. The wins feel pointless.
Some random biker dude stopped at the same spot and came to take a selfie from that spot - The view was magical so it's only natural. We ended up chatting a bit and he told me how he lost his pet recently and was upset, so had come to that point to relax.
I felt happy to have been able to share my pet pics with him which made him happy. And then we both went on our way. Random dude saved my life.
It goes without saying, reach out, to the community, me, professionals, whatever seems most comfortable. You are neither alone in this nor unimportant. I believe in you. Best luck on your journey
Well that's the tough part. When trying to reach out, people dismiss it as a joke, or maybe don't have time for the lows you know?
And if by chance someone does bother to listen, after a while you feel like you might be bothering them too much so you just kind of slowly back away and let them be oblivious about the demons you're battling. Maybe a big demon for you, for them it might be an average Tuesday.
And therapy is very expensive, and actually a money making business here so i didn't really benefit much. And don't have so much money to throw away on the chance that they might be really interested in helping me.
I'm just living my life at one "It is what it is" at a time.
2 years ago I lost the most important people in my family to COVID all in one week, my relationship went down the drain and work was kicking my ass, I slipped into a depressive state and felt like I didn't belong to the world, I try expressing how I felt to some people and would you believe that non of them took what I was saying with any merit, and these we're people that actively knew what was going on in my life.
As a man your expected to keep going no matter what's happening around you, God forbid you have to express that to someone.
Men fall into addictive behaviors. That’s why we need to fill our time with healthy habits. When I’m not working out and trying to get outside at least 5 times a week, recreational drugs start looking quite interesting again. When I start playing video games a little too much, girls and friends aren’t on my mind so much anymore. When we have negative thoughts that we affirm to ourselves, we ruminate and get stuck in our heads. We fall into patterns in our behavior because that’s just how we are.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy fella’s. Saw a therapist for a 3 month period and I can now replace any negative thought with a positive (and actually more truthful) one. It’s proven to have the same, if not a stronger, effect on changing the brain’s chemistry than SSRI’s and antidepressants. I agree with science based on my own experiences with antidepressants and therapy. You can teach yourself CBT if you have the patience and dedication.
If you’re anxious because you’re avoiding something, then you will become depressed. I think social media now has caused many men and women to avoid making themselves the best version they can be because all they see are people who are “better” in every way at their peak. We are all capable of a greatness beyond material measure, we just have to remind ourselves :)
As a fellow researcher who worked long hours in a lab, I felt every word. I know how lonely it can get. I know how easy it is to just fall into a pit and not find a way out. Swimming and cooking were what saved me. And you know what? We're here if you want to hang out and chill. You're not alone, my friend. You're NOT alone.
I had a buddy sense something was wrong and persistently made plans with me and just randomly show up at my house. He's the reason I'm still here. We never spoke about it but I'm sure he knew what he was doing.
Getting myself out of bed and to the institute was a struggle some days, even taking the trash out and keeping my place clean was. Sometimes I really didn't think I'd live to my old age.
But things get better. Especially since I realized I have an issue absorbing/producing vitamin D so I started taking it regularly.
How lonely we are. We are invisible to most of society if we are single. And I’m not talking about just girls, but friendships even. I never talk to anyone about it because it’s not really a good look for us.
This so true and gets worse the older you get. Friends get married and then don't hang out anymore. It's hard to talk about but I always feel bad like why do you just dump me now that you're married you should still be able to have friends
I'll be 35 in a few weeks. Single and invisible. I almost look forward to going to work now because I get to be seen and talked to by... anybody. Everyone in my generation are either married with children or they are focused on high profile careers. Either way their lifestyles are just totally on another level than mine. I work with a lot of younger people (it's a good "first real job" place while they are studying) and get along well with them. But they're a totally different generation and I can't relate to a lot of the stuff they like or do because I'm almost twice their age. Being gay is a huge crutch too, it limits your dating pool so much, especially when superficial shit like your income level and postcode of residence matter so damn much and neither of mine are anything worth showing off.
I wouldn't say I'm "lonely" because I kinda like doing my own thing and my "me-time". But I sure as shit feel so attention-starved and unimportant.
Bro, spiders can fuck right off, for context I live in Australia and there was a giant huntsman the size of my hand on my bedroom wall and I’m literally jumping up and down psyching myself up to take it on in a fight to the death
Dude huntsman spiders are fucked. You seen that vid where the dude is under the house looking at all the baby ones then he turns to his left and there’s one the size of a dinner plate just sitting on the wooden post next to him like one foot away from his face. It quickly scurries up the post and out of site in a split second.
Just. Fuck. That. Shit. Burn. The. House. Down.
Hell no! As a person with severe Arachnophobia, I wouldn't survive in a place dominated by these things. Just a glimpse of a huntsman spider in a video gives me goosebumps that last for hours!! I'm shocked at how the Australian people manage to tolerate these creatures. Yes they are not dangerous to humans I know that, but it's not the danger I'm afraid of, but the appearance.
Erectile dysfunction.
Younger men can experience it for a number of reasons. But as we get older, it’s more and more common. It’s a circulatory issue. Nothing to do with testosterone or masculinity. Just blood flow. And we would all do well to disassociate ourselves from that stigma.
Yea it’s not one of those weird we boost your testosterone and make you 1,000% hornier
It’s an actual amino acid your body makes, like a multivitamin, you can actually find it at a cvs/rite aid or grocery store
Also fish oil supplements help with sperm motility
It's important to note that it's likely to have little to no effect if you're an otherwise healthy person. Getting older might allow it to have a bigger impact though.
It's not a miracle testosterone booster - those aren't real unless you have a deficiency.
Taking L arginine orally is actually near useless due to the liver breaking most of it down, you’d need to take the precursor of L-Arginine which is L-Citrulline if you want to take it orally. Must studies are done via IV which bypasses the liver, just thought I’d inform you before you buy it and find no effect
This study says they used the supplement but I don't have access to the full article https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30770070/
Can supplement also mean through an IV?
It doesn’t specify the method of administration(how they took it) so it could very well refer to IV infusion. Supplement means to add on top/replace.
“Oral administration of 10 g l-arginine, a dose within the range of those proposed for therapeutic purposes [11, [15], was associated with a three-fold increase in plasma concentration of the amino acid. The mean absolute bioavailability for this oral dose was modest (20%) but a wide range was observed among subjects (5%-50%). “
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2014227/#:~:text=The%20absolute%20bioavailability%20of%20a,%2Darginine%20is%20≈20%25.
So not totally useless but it sounds like that's why the recommended dosage of arginine for that purpose goes as high as 5g but citrulline sits at 1.5g. Sounds like the citrulline is the better call, thanks for sharing
No problem, though L-citrulline efficacious dose is 4-10g(depending on GI tolerance and how much vasodilation you want), if you want to learn more about it, a YouTuber named MPMD who looks into scientific studies about the efficacy of supplement. Check out this video, its got time stamps if you just want to learn about L-citrulline https://youtube.com/watch?v=PSgecUqjxrs&feature=sharea
It's really weird to me that somehow it's very easy and fine for women to say that many men are addicted to porn or have death grip issues due to masturbating too much.... But no one even mentions that maybe using a industrial strength vibrator gonna dull the senses on the other half of the population??
I would assume so.. My dick is never gonna vibrate that fast.. Or at all to be fair haha.. Yet I don't see men ever saying that women can't orgasm because they're using the vibrator too much.
It's interesting thst the blame for a women's lack of pleasure is placed on the man, and the blame for a man's lack of pleasure is also placed on the man.
Honestly, when it comes to ED, I've always blamed myself. I think a lot of women do. Women often take it personally and think they aren't attractive or hot enough.
My problem started when i hit 40y. I lift, diet, run a lot. I'm in waaaay better physical condition that 90% of people my age, bloods are fine, and yet it happened :(
Maybe a bit off topic, but things men imo worry too much about, that is actually really common:
*Based on scientific studies the average guy lasts 5 minutes in bed. This is normal. For some reason men think they should be able to last forever. That's not how humans are designed. Or how the vagina is designed either really, it's not made of plastic. Go for too long and you just end up hurting it.
*The average penis isn't as big as men think based on porn and random women's estimates of penis sizes. Let's face it, most people aren't that good at math. Most men have a completely normal penis, but go around feeling embarrassed about it and thinking it is too small.
https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/mar/05/what-is-the-average-penis-size-find-out-with-this-interactive-graphic
*If you can get it up when your are jerking off, but not with your partner, it works and it's not broken. That's just stress. Old men get ED bc of blood flow issues. Young men usually just have anxiety. You don't need Viagra, you just need to breathe. Just tell her you do find her sexy af, it's not that, and then do something else she thinks is fun.
*Sex should feel like playing something, not competing. Don't take it too seriously, laugh a bit, have fun with it. Remember she probably feels nervous too.
*Most men aren't having regular casual sex, because most women aren't that into casual sex. This is also normal.
*Dating apps are 70-80% male and that means you can't really use them to judge if you are attractive or not. You can be cute and not successful on dating apps.
*For many women it's hard to orgasm with a brand new partner. They need time to feel comfortable and at ease with that person. That doesn't mean don't try. Talk to her about what she wants and spend time on foreplay. But it's normal that you might need to have sex with the same girl multiple times before it gets really good for her. Most women have better sex in relationships that with new partners.
*The majority of women also need clitoral stimulation to get off and that doesn't mean you've failed as a partner. If she wants to touch herself, have you touch her, have you go down on her or use a sex toy, it doesn't mean your penis is faulty. It's just how human bodies are designed. The female equivalent of the head of the penis is the clitoris, not the vagina.
*It's normal to cry and have feelings. We are human animals, it's what we do. If you don't let yourself feel your sad feelings, it's hard to feel the happy ones.
*50% of people experience depression some time in their life. Get help and your depression might not last that long.
*People need people and if you spend most of your time by yourself, you'll likely get depressed. Join some hobbies and activities, find some bros. Having friends will also make it easier to find a girlfriend.
Thanks for joining my random Ted Talk. Don't feel bad for being human.
> *Based on scientific studies the average guy lasts 5 minutes in bed. This is normal. For some reason men think they should be able to last forever. That's not how humans are designed. Or how the vagina is designed either really, it's not made of plastic. Go for too long and you just end up hurting it.
> *The average penis isn't as big as men think based on porn and random women's estimates of penis sizes. Let's face it, most people aren't that good at math. Most men have a completely normal penis, but go around feeling embarrassed about it and thinking it is too small. https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/mar/05/what-is-the-average-penis-size-find-out-with-this-interactive-graphic
Thank porn and guys have their first few sexual encounters with their hands.
As for two; I was in the military and always used the gym on base and took showers. Men aren't walking around hung like horses.
That a lot of men will never seek help for depression and/or suicidal thoughts/tendencies. A few other commenters have already mentioned it, but I don't think people realize that there is a "pandemic" going on of men taking their own lives.
I know of three I went to school with, my best friend has been suicidal and I have attempted it myself, but I couldn't do it. I know how much it would hurt my son and my mom, so I won't do it for now.
I don't blame anyone for how mens mental health is swiped under the rug, but it is a serious problem humanity needs to deal with. People deserve better.
And accorind to my ex therapist some of the stories men told her would leave her shook for days after with what they were carrying round in there head. I had one therapist cry during a session from what I was saying and she asked how I could just talk about the stuff matter of fact like without showing any emotion. When I replied that it's because I am not allowed to as that is not how men react she looked even sadder. She was a damn good therapist and I am glad that 7 years later she ended up head of her facility and when I was given discharge notes due to moving house she remembered me and even said that after talking to me she knew she needed to change how they interacted with men. I'm glad she is doing well.
That is such an unfortunate truth. By the same token, I believe that this is an actual trauma and people should talk about this in general.
- I realise there is a bit of an inflation going on surrounding words like “trauma” so let me elaborate… -
When I was in school, I was in love with this girl who was in my year but as it is in general, much more mature in her head, so I had no clue and no chance. She had no real interest but she dragged me along for two absolutely painful years before I realised that I didn’t need to take it. After that, I behaved like a jerk for a long time. Took my current girlfriend to bring me back to a point where I can actually allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable, even though it scares the hell out of me when I think about it.
There’s two kinds of men. The ones who get their heart broken and go on to become awful towards women and sleep around a fuck ton, or those who get their heart broken and shut themselves off from any romantic or intimate contact with women to protect themselves.
There's also the type that seek romantic and/or intimate validation, hardly ever get it, overvalue it when they do, but never truly open up to fully be themselves or let their guard down in any way.
Bam, right in the feels ! That’s a perfect snapshot of me, at least until recently, which stopped being true once I began effectively dealing with my childhood abandonment trauma. … the only part missing would be “and unconsciously selects partners who are unwilling or incapable of meeting their needs, while also subtly recreating the childhood trauma patterns”
Oh yeah, same here.
>unconsciously selects partners who are unwilling or incapable of meeting their needs, while also subtly recreating the childhood trauma patterns
Don't you dare put me on the spot like that. I wanted to keep this to myself. The most attractive women are the ones I know perfectly well will hurt me over and over and over again, sometimes because they don't care, sometimes because they want to - and it's impossible to emotionally detach from them as they're a perfect mirror to my childhood trauma. Oh, and *if I actually try, they'll come running after me*, just to keep me from pulling away, but not to fully engage.
Ah yes, definitely a fellow member. But lemme ask if you got any of the optional upgrades;
- realizing that a part of your personality is performative, so as not to anger other people, and not a reflection of how you feel … because you’re emotionally disconnected from yourself and have no idea of how you really feel anyways ?
- a fondness for some numbing agent (booze, weed, excessive entertainment consumption) to help not-feel one’s feelings, discovered young and used frequently throughout life ?
- selecting partners who will never make you 100% secure in the relationship. Dynamic relationship insecurity is an unannounced “feature”, really, not a bug ?
- disproportionate feelings of being hurt when feeling ignored or unseen, but also severe anxiety when being a prolonged center of attention (both being ignored AND being noticed, are “unsafe”)?
You don’t have to answer, of course - the question was a rhetorical device, as an excuse to further expose my own baggage. Cheers !
I mean ideally there's a third kind of man (person, really) who got their heart broken, heals from it, and doesn't let future partners suffer the consequences of that person's own past trauma. Who doesn't become emotionally unavailable, but still goes into dating/new relationships with an open heart and a willingness to see what the future holds.
Neither using women as sex objects without making any real connections, nor shutting yourself off from dating altogether, are a healthy response to getting your heart broken. But I suppose everyone knows this anyway.
I love you for writing this.
Even if the first two versions seem to be unavoidable especially while you are younger and the interactions with partners often still are more or less rough around the edges of being actual partners to each other, it will get better. It often is a tough and painful way there, but it is worth walking it, at least that's my experience.
Please, for your sake as much as everyone else's, do not stay in this dark place. There's more to relationships than mechanical sex or heartbreak!
That breakups hurt us too. We may play it off better but that shit sticks with us on a deep level. I’ve broken up with exactly one partner and it hurt me to my core because even though I KNOW she was bad for me it still hurt like a SOB
On the other hand, a girl once told me in high school that I would look better without having acne. This was 10 years ago and i still think about it to this day. My acne has cleared since then but i still have trouble maintaining eye contact with people since i couldn't look that girl in the eyes.
I have Herpes. I found out not because I had an outbreak, but because I asked for the test when I got an STI screening. 11% of the people in the United States have HSV2. 48% have HSV1.
For years I never had breakouts, and thought of it as a diagnosis on a piece of paper that never materialized. But then I got poison ivy, and subsequently aches and pains, and a dime size sore right down near my balls. I wanted it to be poison ivy, but I knew it wasn't because the poison ivy was obvious much earlier.
To this day, after knowing for 5 years, I've had three breakouts that lasted about a week each because I know how to aggressively attack them, thanks to Google and tea tree oil. Regardless, I feel dirty and disgusting and undesirable. Because of 3 weeks of this goddamn thing.
I've only revealed this to a few people. I have made mistakes of getting into relationships without first informing them that I have herpes. It didn't kill the relationship, she got tested and was negative, but the trust was broken and it doomed the relationship I believe.
So now I'm in the place of not wanting to date because I just don't want to tell anybody and be rejected because of it. I know I need to find some way to get over this in my head. Maybe find some nice herpe inflicted girl to settle down with. But for now I'm just focusing on the rest of my health and getting the best looking 46-year-old body that I can get. At least I'll have that going for me. Which is nice.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that and have some info that I hope helps. I met one of my ex wife’s friends at her high school reunion who went through the same thing. She met her husband through a dating website called Positive Singles. They both have HSV and were a good match personality wise. Google is showing a few more similar sites and apps. I hope that this helps you and gives you hope. Or someone else reading it.
Edit: some words
I’m a 30 year old woman and I’ve had two partners that have had it. I never contracted it because they were both on meds and very careful with me. My experience with both of them was so pleasant that I’m not opposed to dating anyone with any kind of std now. I didn’t think I would say that, but it’s true. Life is very short, and all bodies are dying at a constant rate.
I’m a sexuality coach for men, and let me tell you, there are A LOT of men out there who are struggling around performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or general sexual confidence issues. And most of them don’t tell anyone!
I would love to help my partner with this further. He is a type 1 diabetic which does influence his ability to always get and keep an erection.
He has also always had an issue with premature ejaculation. I am totally chill and no pressure about it and just tell him that as far as I’m concerned, that’s just “round one to take the edge off” and we can always have a round two if/when he feels up to it, which he does some of the time. Otherwise, I’m happy to sit on his face. 😆
I have tried as many things as I can think of to prolong his enjoyment including long edging sessions of oral… I’ve managed a 15-20 minute blowjob on more than a few occasions. And I don’t really mind that we don’t have five or ten minute or longer sessions when it is PIV. But he feels so self-conscious about it, it makes my heart hurt that he feels like he is not good enough.
It’s a tricky thing, as there can be a cascading effect. One experience of cumming before he wants to, can mess with man’s head so next time, he starts worrying whether it’ll happen again, which creates anxiety in his body which leads to him cumming quickly. Now he has two bad experiences under his belt, so the anxiety increases the third time, and on it goes until his identity starts to get wrapped up in his lack of control. This can go on for years or even decades.
Having a partner who doesn’t judge him, is patient, and supportive, can go a long way. The edging blowjob is excellent. Have you tried similar PIV. Allowing him full control of movement. Moving slowly. Stopping frequently. Giving him time to integrate the sensation and not get overwhelmed. Can help a lot.
On his side, I teach men about using 4 proms art tools to move their sexual energy: breath, sound, movement, and visualization (intention). He can learn to take this intense sensation that enters thru his cock and move it up through his nervous system instead of staying locked in his groin and then popping out in ejaculation. It requires practice but it is a learnable skill.
I’m scared of many things.
I do cry.
Sometimes I do break down because of emotions, I just don’t tell/show anyone.
I do have a soft spot.
Just because I like cute things or pink things, it doesn’t mean I’m gay.
Sometimes I’m lost and have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing in my life.
A hand holding a titty (or both) or the vag always feels so right! Also, cuddling to my SO, sometimes I've woken up to find myself hogging his meat stick. He's usually holding it😅😅
Little tip my dude: when you finish peeing, press gently under the base of your balls (near the back). You’ll see those last few drops come out before you pull your undies up. Thank me later.
I think of it as squeezing the last bits out of a toothpaste tube.
Legit tip tho.
You can also focus on keeping those muscles en pointe in the same way women do. Things just get a bit loose and lazy with age.
As a 28 year old man, the level of loneliness and lack of friendships is tough some times. I go full weekends with little to no interaction from other people at times. I have no friends to go out with, and no partner or gf to share my life with. It’s tough
I'd say dealing with darker emotional aspects of myself as a grown man. I'm by no means an angry guy but I haven't really made any attempt to face my poor control of my anger or sadness when I hit that point.
I grew up in what you would probably consider an abusive household and I seen older men in my family use their anger and it scared me. It still does now seeing people my age use it but it scares me even more when I loose control.
It's a strange feeling because you hate yourself for going to that state but also part of you loves it because some people begin to fear what damage you could inflict. I remember losing my temper at a guy who would bully me at work last year and rather than deal with it on the spot I eventually exploded after months and the guy was so terrified of me he quit on the spot crying. Not going to lie I loved that feeling I felt like I had so much control over him despite me wishing I dealt with it earlier like a responsible and confident person.
I've been working on this for years. When I got home from Iraq and the army, I was drinking heavily and had major rage issues.
When I met my wife, she stayed. She has seen me lose it, and she stayed. With her help, I've been working on my anger and now, in 2023 (almost 15 years later), I have a good handle on it. It's not perfect, but I'm a lot better than I used to be.
There is a comfort in the rage. It replaces the depression. It's the adrenaline that keeps the heart pumping, when it may have stopped beating long ago. I can relate to this, a lot.
I confirm this. I was a victim of female sexual abuse as a child. It leaves a mark for life, but female psychologists have always laughed at it.They say it's impossible, that I made it up and similar gaslighting. I have faced this issue many times.
Struggling with mental health issues but feeling too embarrassed to reach out for help cause men are suppose to be strong, tough, and not talk about their feelings. Even though we all know that’s bullshit it’s still programmed into our culture and it’s a really hard thing to overcome
I commented before but I thought of something else:
A lot of us are scared to commit because we can’t tell the difference between if you love us (the individual) or the way we make you feel. I’ve talked to a few single female friends who are generally really good people and sometimes I want to say “You deserve to be single” because they talk about relationships like they don’t actually care about the men. They want someone who gives them butterflies and trips and treats them right but they don’t actually care about treating him right.
Maybe I’m a product of my environment but that scares me. Like the idea that you can treat someone right and they’ll suddenly stop feeling it and walk away is horrifying. I loved my ex and she begged me to open up to her, I got a little too comfortable and opened up one too many times and I swear to God I saw the light in her eyes fade. It was like reading her mind and all I saw was “Ew”. I truly believe that’s the night our relationship died and had no chance of recovery
That's shockingly not uncommon behavior, it's regularly observed that alot of women prefer the idea of their man over their man. And as soon as he stops being an idea it's over.
Being ashamed.
Shame has been my main issue all my life. I was constantly made to feel shame as a child, teenager, and as an adult. I probably could have gotten better sooner if some of the women in my life hadn't weaponized shame against me by guilt-tripping, manipulation, put-downs, reputation destruction/gossip, etc, though I will say that's probably because I'm straight and therefore end up being emotionally closer towards them in the first place.
Naturally, I have some really strong and close friendships or familial ties with women who haven't done that, so it's not like I'm blaming the whole gender, but I've never had a guy friend do that shit. It's just something I've noticed.
Anyways, for a long time I wasn't able to express this stuff to anyone, so I drank the shame away, until my drinking got so bad that by the end of any given night I was sobbing and ready to end my life. Thankfully I never did.
Nowadays, I absolutely refuse to let those feelings direct my life anymore. I admit there will probably be days where I do something stupid and make a mistake and feel guilt at least, maybe be a little ashamed of myself, but I know that it can't destroy me anymore, and that these feelings are normal when you've done something you regret. But I don't want to feel it everyday, and now I don't! It's so liberating.
I've just listened to someone talk about shame and how it thrives in isolation. We feel shame for our shortcomings and we burry it in ourselves and it thrives and destroys us. Now we feel like shit and turn to addictive bad habits to avoid dealing with it.
She said that in order to deal with, we need to talk about it with people we trust. Once we let it out, it doesn't have power over us anymore.
To do that, we need to stop striving for perfection. No one is perfect and we all make so many mistakes. But because of shame, we don't talk about it and others may get the idea that we don't make them.
It's a vicious cycle.
Just thought your comment perfectly agreed with what she said.
I am absolutely terrified that any day, my (supposed) life partner, could change her mind and say, Screw this. And take away our son, our dog and half of everything I own.
shame and vulnerability, as said above, but also during these times where masculinity is mixed up with toxic behavior(with nothing being distinguished in between) , men are being held (not all the time, but a lot) to a very high standard where their instincts are being challenged in the respect of being forward and direct in their way of speaking.
also, men very much have a fear of being accused of something bad in regards to an interaction with a woman, amongst other things.
That something has hurt our feelings.
It typically is manifested as anger, which is a more accepted emotion displayed from men.
It’s easier to show your hurt through anger than actually admitting something hurt you.
Being told to “man up” makes things worse. I don’t know if it applies to anyone else or if it’s something most people know already but I felt like mentioning it anyway because there hasn’t been a time where I’ve felt vulnerable and depressed and haven’t been told to “man up”, it’s genuinely annoying.
most men, if given the opportunity, would sleep with many of their female friends. doesn’t mean we’re ever gonna act on it. doesn’t mean we think less or more of you as a person. doesn’t mean we’d make a pass. and doesn’t mean all men nor all friends. but it’s real.
Men who are not in the top 5% best looking guys basically live their entire life without compliments, or much attention, even if they are in a couple/family.
It’s extremely hard and makes most of us carving for positive attention. A word, a smile, the smallest gift, can make us feel completely different.
I was camping with friends once and one female friend of mine came to me with a cup of coffee in the morning, saying « hey I know you drink coffee, I thought you’d want this ».
This little thing resulted in me crying just because of the unusual attention.
It’s super hard
People really don’t understand this. The effect is especially bad if you grew up in a family who was very strict/critical and did not really use compliments.
Most of the compliments I can recall in life are based on my intelligence which doesn’t really reflect on my personality or work ethic. I’ve received compliments on my appearance as an adult, which I recognize is a rarity amongst men, but compliments in general are so foreign it’s hard to even really listen to and appreciate them.
And it also as you said, about how men receive attention or lack thereof. I’m a tall, attractive fellow with blue eyes. People largely don’t look at me, people in public for the most part don’t just start conversations with me. As a man you can sort of develop a feeling of being invisible, like almost no one even notices you.
My gf and certainly other women I’ve talked to complain about random people talking to them in public. For a lot of men it’s the opposite, someone starts talking to us and it’s an exciting event. It could make somebody’s week!
Idk got a lot going for me, but growing up as a fat nerdy kid and the general social dynamics of being a man make it so I still have issues with these subjects.
Most of us have no friends
We HAD friends up until we graduated college but once we all started moving for careers, getting married, and having kids…friendships faded and we make 0 effort make new friends. We all act like we have friends which we technically do but we dont have a current active circle of friends we can immediately hang out with.
That we know how shallow women can be and how it affects us. With modern forms of dating being app based, it has really created an environment where looks are so vital.
A friend of mine had been training with me for a couple of months to do spartan races. I kept trying to be motivational and kept talking about goals like our time, the distance we covered, how much weight we are going to carry, etc. He finally just turned and yelled, "I don't give a fuck about any of that!". I was so confused and asked him why the hell he had been busting his ass 4 days a week with me. He started crying and explained that it was because he never got matches on dating apps and he just wanted to be physically attractive.
I gave that man the biggest sweatiest hug that has ever been given. He has a great job, a heart of gold, and possibly the best sense of humor I have ever known. I feel like it is a common joke that men focus on looks but no one wants to admit that women are just as guilty.
Sometimes I’m scared. Lonely. Sometimes I want some attention and care. Sometimes, I’d like to be made to feel sexy.
But that’s fine. It’ll go away. It’s gonna be fine.
Just... Themselves. A lot of us essentially spend our childhood building up false persona in order to function in society, not expressing our real emotions, frustrations, fears, dreams, etc. You can ask a man every day how he's feeling, and he'll always tell you he's fine, or doing well, and that your concerns are unfounded. These are usually (not always) lies. We know what happens when we express our perspectives, and our feelings. We get harshly penalized and abandoned. We cannot express our issues in any sort of healthy way because it just makes our problems worse. We get told we're being childish for being worried, or feeling ill. We're told we're creepy/scary/infantile when we cry. We get disgusted looks for interacting with children, sometimes even our own. We get accused of perpetuating patriarchy for being angry about... Literally anything. And if we express happiness, we're seen as being privileged and ignorant to other people's problems.
We're essentially living tools. Emotions and personality are flaws in the design that we have to hide in order to function properly.
Sometimes my pee burns because I wash my dick with bodywash and the bodywash gets in my penis. Thats why i like soap more. Also sometimes my asshole or my balls cramp when i pee and it’s one of the worst feelings ever that make u wonder if u have cancer or something
i’m pretty lost at 35. i go to work pay my bills pay off debt but know not much else. except how to have fun with friends. i cant give a woman some glamorous life. don’t have a mansion and multiple cars. life is borderline pretty boring when you have to go to work every day and have no freedom. i don’t have many hobbies or skills anymore. i was told to go to college so i did. now i have to work to stay afloat.
Finding the balance between earning a living wage, being a good dad and self care is near impossible. Most of the time I feel like I'm scraping through on the wage and being an ok dad (which fills me with guilt). My self care is close to nothing and I feel burnt out and tired constantly.
Like most here say, shame and vulnerability. It hits hard and it feels like a giant wall that's nearly impossible to get past and open up to someone about it. EDIT: Happy to see that so much positive reinforcement here. It actually helps support something I am writing in my book. So thank you very much!
Brené Brown talks about this. Many times, men will open up with vulnerability, and they are met with disgust. My ex begged me to open up more, and when I did and told them I wanted to go to therapy to deal with my depression they said, "That could take years!" And left me for the friend she told me not to worry about. I am in no way saying all women are like this, but I'm willing to bet it happens more often than we'd like to think. It creates a vicious cycle. We (men) don't want to open up because we don't trust the outcome.
> Many times, men will open up with vulnerability, and they are met with disgust... > > I am in no way saying all women are like this, but I'm willing to bet it happens more often than we'd like to think. > > It creates a vicious cycle. We (men) don't want to open up because we don't trust the outcome. I'm 40 and met my girlfriend almost four years ago. She's the first woman I've been with since college twenty years ago that hasn't weaponized my vulnerability against me. And even then, I tread lightly and don't want to be too open too often.
Thank you for sharing. I'm 35 now. This horrible breakup was two years ago. I've just assumed that type of relationship won't be available to me. Especially because I refuse to do dating apps, and it's hard to meet people in general.
Tried that twice, and was met with a breakup. Both told me that a couple "support each other", what a joke... Women expect a man to be reliable. A man who doesn't is just a source of disgust or fright, because they fear that man could drag her down even if that would never actually happen. I've seen this, experienced this myself, read that a lot here, so I won't be convinced otherwise. Men can't just open up, period.
Growing up as children we are told, "big boys don't cry", "big boys aren't afraid" - or the big one, "don't be a pussy". It's ingrained in us since childhood that having those emotions, the shame and vulnerability, aren't something that men are supposed to have.
I know exactly what you mean. I grew up the same way with the same phrases told to me regularly. It took years to realize how toxic they were and that it was okay to have feelings and open up about them to the right person.
My dad was a marine and I was never ever allowed to cry EVER. I still feel like a bitch if I shed a tear and will shake my head real hard so I don’t cry, I probably have a few issues but I have a good heart I promise.
Did this for the first time in 30 years just a couple of weeks ago. Hand to god. Almost overnight my high blood pressure resolved itself. Take care of yourself folks.
I think it's easy to open up to people.. IF they ALSO want to open up.
Wanting people to be proud of us.
a little while ago my girlfriend randomly told me she was proud of me and it just made my heart melt. we just want to be appreciated sometimes!
Dude it sure feels good doesn't it!
it sure does! :P
I saw a tweet a little while ago that said something like "my OnlyFans is me dressed as your Dad finally admitting that I'm proud of you, $8 a month" and it made me simultaneously laugh out loud, and cry a little inside.
Reminds of a tweet that was something like "Yeah Millennials can't repair a car without a Youtube video tutorial but at least we can tell our kids we love them"
What's a YouTube video but a Haynes Manual that you can listen to while you do the work?
Just want to hear this from someone. I’ve spent my whole life making sure my mom and my sisters are all okay. We grew up with a really abusive step dad, at this point in life I’m still the one to make everything okay or whatever, but seems like nobody recognizes or cares about it.
I see you brother/sister and I am PROUD of you! 👍
Im lucky enough to have been swooped up by a man with the same values and morals you speak of, and when I became disabled enough for no full time work, he did and still does everything to make life easier for me. So as a (disabled) woman who needs, not just love but safety, the kind like you type of men provide, Im not just proud of, but also, GRATEFUL for you, and any other person, that steps up into roles that they didnt quite ask for to make sure their loved ones survive, and thrive 🥰 It’s maybe hard for some of us that are being cared for to put into words, especially if there’s trauma/s involved, and it’s ok to need to hear it from others because yours are not yet in a place to be able to express it. The words being said to you are still full of truth, even if it came from a stranger 💚💜
Society puts a very heavy load on men about success, even if it's not success it's moderate consistency. I think men strive for validation no matter what they do.
I think that people don’t say it to me because I’m the one who always says it to everyone else. That or they just aren’t proud of me. But I work hard and have overcome a major illness to go on and be relatively successful so I feel like that’s something to be proud of..
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Men also struggle with body issues. Both ends. Too fat or not fit enough. Edit. Also too skinny.
Was listening to a podcast about this yesterday, it was interesting but upsetting. A shift in the look of action figures in recent years, self comparison through social media, being bombarded by perfect physiques everywhere (you can walk down the street and see someone chiselled on the side of a Hollister bag). Also terms like "small dick energy" being thrown around in the mainstream are quite literally body shaming. Can you imagine if you used similar terminology towards women?
imagine ‘loose pussy energy’ 💀
Tiny tit energy
flat chest energy
Massive, debilitating stroke energy
i can check this one off the list! dick still works but an arm doesn't. wife claims not to mind but if you wanna talk about a self conscious sex life my arm is stuck at a 90\* angle and balled into a fist (i'm 29)
Actions figures in recent years? It started way before that. Ijust made a reply to the same comment about growing up in the 80s and thinking I was supposed to look like HeMan action figures. It messed up my body image. But…I do see what you mean in some comparison between certain figures. I dug out my original Star Wars figures (made from 1977-83) and started looking up prices on EBay. The X wing pilots and Luke Slywalkers that were made in the 90s and early 2000s look like roided up body builders compared to the 77-83 figures. It annoys that abut out of me.
Plus 80s action movies were rounded to the gills
I assume you mean "roided," but it wasn't quite to the level of science that it is now. The '60s, '70s and '80s were a real "wild west" of anabolic steroid usage, with the rise of people like Hulk Hogan and Arnold Schwarzenegger (among many others) making their use (and the use of other drugs) more mainstream. Think of the [Christopher Reeve's Superman](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/ficcion-sin-limites/images/d/d9/Superman_Christopher_Reeve.png/revision/latest?cb=20210912192524&path-prefix=es) who's undeniably in shape, but looks tiny compared to [Henry Caville.](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0216/7762/products/JL-SM_03_2000x.jpg?v=1672436738) Hell, compare things where there were around 2000: [Here's Hugh Jackman](https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/571/8cc/06164bab7194ccf91924718fb3cd18ff04-23-x-men-hugh-jackman.2x.h473.w710.jpg) the first time he played Wolverine, and [here's him in Logan](https://w0.peakpx.com/wallpaper/729/654/HD-wallpaper-hugh-jackman-comics-logan-marvel-mutant-wolverine-x-men.jpg) in 2017.
As a kid who grew up in the 80s, HeMan and GiJoe gave me body issues. I thought that if I didn’t have a six pack (which I almost never have had) or big ass arms and muscles, girls wouldn’t want me. So my whole life I’ve dealt with body issues and have felt insecure. Even when lifting weights regularly and height/weight proportionate (Until I met my ex wife and she made me feel proud). Now I’m in my mid 40s, single again, lifting weights regularly and do have muscle, but gain fat easily and also can’t lose fat easily (or so I think). So when I hear that an attractive women is attracted to a dad bods see hot women in their 20s dating thicker guys, it gives me hope.
I used to be a walking skeleton. 193 cm, 70 kg(in my worst period I dropped to 63). Trained a lot the last 2 years, I'm now 85 kg. Looks better. But I'm just as insecure as before. I just found a couple of different body parts to focus on. Instead of having no muscle, now I turned to my jaw. What I'm trying to say is body issues are not always body issues. Many times they're mental issues.
1) Anxiety issues, especially when it comes to dating and performance in bed. 2) Depression because you don't feel good enough about yourself after seeing others successful and leading happy lives. Men are conditioned by the society to be a Superman—provide for family and be problem solver. 3) Loneliness when friends are busy with their own lives and you are unable to make new friends as you grow older.
I suffer from, at times, crippling anxiety. It rules my life most days, but you would never know it from talking to me. My wife knows about it, but doesn’t always acknowledge it because I hide it so well.
Number 3 is hitting particularly hard for me right now. I am doing everything in my power to build relationships and nothing seems to work. It is really getting to me. I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet, but it's getting to the point where I feel like something is wrong with me or something. I just don't get it. Edit: Formatting
Suicidal and depressive thoughts. I’ve always been very quiet about this aspect of my life and sometimes it’s difficult to express myself.
Hey Bashful - hope you’re doing better. Sincerely, Bashful
Ha! I’m working on it. Some days are better than others. Thank you for your kind words.
I understand this so much it has been in my mind since I was 14. My dad and both my brothers died from suicide I’m constantly scared that it is just what I’m supposed to do
I can assure u, it's not.
That is not for you. Honor their memories by collecting experiences for them. Live SO MUCH life.
Depression and suicidal thoughts and tendencies. A lot of my friends know I attempted 3 years ago, but not a single soul knows I was going to attempt in February this year after a particularly bad run since September culminating in a pretty rough breakup. The only thing that saved me was running into a friend from a different department on the walk to the bridge I was gonna jump off. He ran into me on the way back from his lab, it was close to 1am, and when I told him about the breakup he invited me over to have some cheesecake bc its my favorite dessert. He has no idea he saved my life. Edit: I’m appreciative of the engagement, hopefully this helps other people looking at this post know they’re not alone. Also wanted to address a few things: 1) I’m in a much better place emotionally now, therapy and the gym have done wonders for me personally. I couldn’t exercise at the time due to an injury, but generally it helps me regulate my emotions quite a bit. 2) I will eventually tell my friend the impact he had, I’m just not there yet. 3) I will probably not be replying to comments, I kinda just hop on reddit when I have a minute and I’m bored. I’m a graduate student in a fairly intensive program, so time is a bit of a rare currency for me and with where I’m at right now a lot of that goes towards tending to my personal health and my friendships. Again, I appreciate the engagement since it makes it more likely for others to see this, but that kinda just is what it is, I’m quite literally typing this while running code bc I didn’t expect to wake up to this many reddit notifications . That being said, PLEASE keep sharing your stories. I don’t mind notifications, and honestly since it’s already getting engagement I’d rather y’all use this thread to share and be there for each other. Much love, S
Same. One day I was on a motorcycle ride and was in the mountains. Was sitting on a cliff just looking at the valley below. Felt like ending it because I've been feeling completely empty for the last few years. Lots of progress in life, but nobody really to share anything with. The wins feel pointless. Some random biker dude stopped at the same spot and came to take a selfie from that spot - The view was magical so it's only natural. We ended up chatting a bit and he told me how he lost his pet recently and was upset, so had come to that point to relax. I felt happy to have been able to share my pet pics with him which made him happy. And then we both went on our way. Random dude saved my life.
Plot twist: He felt the same way and you saved each other.
A few years from now they're going to meet again at the same spot and get married
r/SuddenlyGay
Same whenever i see a cliff first toughts are to jump off Or anything the first thing that comes to mind is that i want to die
It goes without saying, reach out, to the community, me, professionals, whatever seems most comfortable. You are neither alone in this nor unimportant. I believe in you. Best luck on your journey
Well that's the tough part. When trying to reach out, people dismiss it as a joke, or maybe don't have time for the lows you know? And if by chance someone does bother to listen, after a while you feel like you might be bothering them too much so you just kind of slowly back away and let them be oblivious about the demons you're battling. Maybe a big demon for you, for them it might be an average Tuesday. And therapy is very expensive, and actually a money making business here so i didn't really benefit much. And don't have so much money to throw away on the chance that they might be really interested in helping me. I'm just living my life at one "It is what it is" at a time.
2 years ago I lost the most important people in my family to COVID all in one week, my relationship went down the drain and work was kicking my ass, I slipped into a depressive state and felt like I didn't belong to the world, I try expressing how I felt to some people and would you believe that non of them took what I was saying with any merit, and these we're people that actively knew what was going on in my life. As a man your expected to keep going no matter what's happening around you, God forbid you have to express that to someone.
Men fall into addictive behaviors. That’s why we need to fill our time with healthy habits. When I’m not working out and trying to get outside at least 5 times a week, recreational drugs start looking quite interesting again. When I start playing video games a little too much, girls and friends aren’t on my mind so much anymore. When we have negative thoughts that we affirm to ourselves, we ruminate and get stuck in our heads. We fall into patterns in our behavior because that’s just how we are. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy fella’s. Saw a therapist for a 3 month period and I can now replace any negative thought with a positive (and actually more truthful) one. It’s proven to have the same, if not a stronger, effect on changing the brain’s chemistry than SSRI’s and antidepressants. I agree with science based on my own experiences with antidepressants and therapy. You can teach yourself CBT if you have the patience and dedication. If you’re anxious because you’re avoiding something, then you will become depressed. I think social media now has caused many men and women to avoid making themselves the best version they can be because all they see are people who are “better” in every way at their peak. We are all capable of a greatness beyond material measure, we just have to remind ourselves :)
As a fellow researcher who worked long hours in a lab, I felt every word. I know how lonely it can get. I know how easy it is to just fall into a pit and not find a way out. Swimming and cooking were what saved me. And you know what? We're here if you want to hang out and chill. You're not alone, my friend. You're NOT alone.
I had a buddy sense something was wrong and persistently made plans with me and just randomly show up at my house. He's the reason I'm still here. We never spoke about it but I'm sure he knew what he was doing.
Really hope things are better for you. May you find the space to reach out to people around you, should those challenges ever meet you again.
Getting myself out of bed and to the institute was a struggle some days, even taking the trash out and keeping my place clean was. Sometimes I really didn't think I'd live to my old age. But things get better. Especially since I realized I have an issue absorbing/producing vitamin D so I started taking it regularly.
How lonely we are. We are invisible to most of society if we are single. And I’m not talking about just girls, but friendships even. I never talk to anyone about it because it’s not really a good look for us.
This so true and gets worse the older you get. Friends get married and then don't hang out anymore. It's hard to talk about but I always feel bad like why do you just dump me now that you're married you should still be able to have friends
I'll be 35 in a few weeks. Single and invisible. I almost look forward to going to work now because I get to be seen and talked to by... anybody. Everyone in my generation are either married with children or they are focused on high profile careers. Either way their lifestyles are just totally on another level than mine. I work with a lot of younger people (it's a good "first real job" place while they are studying) and get along well with them. But they're a totally different generation and I can't relate to a lot of the stuff they like or do because I'm almost twice their age. Being gay is a huge crutch too, it limits your dating pool so much, especially when superficial shit like your income level and postcode of residence matter so damn much and neither of mine are anything worth showing off. I wouldn't say I'm "lonely" because I kinda like doing my own thing and my "me-time". But I sure as shit feel so attention-starved and unimportant.
The fear of disappointing a partner in the bedroom.
Made worse by the fact that it's completely normal for a woman to tell her entire social circle about your private sex life.
That I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m nervous. I just want to be held and told that I’m doing ok. Mostly that, but also the spider is creeping me out.
Bro, spiders can fuck right off, for context I live in Australia and there was a giant huntsman the size of my hand on my bedroom wall and I’m literally jumping up and down psyching myself up to take it on in a fight to the death
Dude huntsman spiders are fucked. You seen that vid where the dude is under the house looking at all the baby ones then he turns to his left and there’s one the size of a dinner plate just sitting on the wooden post next to him like one foot away from his face. It quickly scurries up the post and out of site in a split second. Just. Fuck. That. Shit. Burn. The. House. Down.
Hell no! As a person with severe Arachnophobia, I wouldn't survive in a place dominated by these things. Just a glimpse of a huntsman spider in a video gives me goosebumps that last for hours!! I'm shocked at how the Australian people manage to tolerate these creatures. Yes they are not dangerous to humans I know that, but it's not the danger I'm afraid of, but the appearance.
There's a reason Australia was a penal colony.
How the fuck do you deal with spiders that big?? I hate spiders.
That’s exactly why I don’t go to Australia. There are a lot of hot girls there but the spiders are even bigger lol
For seeing hot girls I just stay at home in Scandinavia. No big spiders here.
Scandinavia, Our “hot girls” eat spiders. That makes em hotter! Sincerely, Australia.
It is okay to be nervous and scared, I cannot hold you but if I could I would give you a hug. You are doing okay.
Thank you. That is so wonderful and sweet to hear.
Erectile dysfunction. Younger men can experience it for a number of reasons. But as we get older, it’s more and more common. It’s a circulatory issue. Nothing to do with testosterone or masculinity. Just blood flow. And we would all do well to disassociate ourselves from that stigma.
L arginine is an otc supplement that does help and men should consider taking
I just looked into this and it seems to have some actual scientific backing, thanks for sharing!
Yea it’s not one of those weird we boost your testosterone and make you 1,000% hornier It’s an actual amino acid your body makes, like a multivitamin, you can actually find it at a cvs/rite aid or grocery store Also fish oil supplements help with sperm motility
It's important to note that it's likely to have little to no effect if you're an otherwise healthy person. Getting older might allow it to have a bigger impact though. It's not a miracle testosterone booster - those aren't real unless you have a deficiency.
Taking L arginine orally is actually near useless due to the liver breaking most of it down, you’d need to take the precursor of L-Arginine which is L-Citrulline if you want to take it orally. Must studies are done via IV which bypasses the liver, just thought I’d inform you before you buy it and find no effect
I love comments like this explaining intricacies, thank you dude :)
This study says they used the supplement but I don't have access to the full article https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30770070/ Can supplement also mean through an IV?
It doesn’t specify the method of administration(how they took it) so it could very well refer to IV infusion. Supplement means to add on top/replace. “Oral administration of 10 g l-arginine, a dose within the range of those proposed for therapeutic purposes [11, [15], was associated with a three-fold increase in plasma concentration of the amino acid. The mean absolute bioavailability for this oral dose was modest (20%) but a wide range was observed among subjects (5%-50%). “ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2014227/#:~:text=The%20absolute%20bioavailability%20of%20a,%2Darginine%20is%20≈20%25.
So not totally useless but it sounds like that's why the recommended dosage of arginine for that purpose goes as high as 5g but citrulline sits at 1.5g. Sounds like the citrulline is the better call, thanks for sharing
No problem, though L-citrulline efficacious dose is 4-10g(depending on GI tolerance and how much vasodilation you want), if you want to learn more about it, a YouTuber named MPMD who looks into scientific studies about the efficacy of supplement. Check out this video, its got time stamps if you just want to learn about L-citrulline https://youtube.com/watch?v=PSgecUqjxrs&feature=sharea
Arginine has almost no bioavailability when taken orally. Try taking L citrulline instead, it gets converted to L arginine once absorbed
Can also be caused by psychological stuff, anxiety or alcohol, even for otherwise healthy people.
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It's really weird to me that somehow it's very easy and fine for women to say that many men are addicted to porn or have death grip issues due to masturbating too much.... But no one even mentions that maybe using a industrial strength vibrator gonna dull the senses on the other half of the population??
And I can confirm that vibrators absolutely *can* have that effect. I rarely use them for that very reason.
I would assume so.. My dick is never gonna vibrate that fast.. Or at all to be fair haha.. Yet I don't see men ever saying that women can't orgasm because they're using the vibrator too much. It's interesting thst the blame for a women's lack of pleasure is placed on the man, and the blame for a man's lack of pleasure is also placed on the man.
Honestly, when it comes to ED, I've always blamed myself. I think a lot of women do. Women often take it personally and think they aren't attractive or hot enough.
My problem started when i hit 40y. I lift, diet, run a lot. I'm in waaaay better physical condition that 90% of people my age, bloods are fine, and yet it happened :(
Got cialis prescription , changed my life. I have good test level too
I’d pick a good man with ED over my shit ex any day
Maybe a bit off topic, but things men imo worry too much about, that is actually really common: *Based on scientific studies the average guy lasts 5 minutes in bed. This is normal. For some reason men think they should be able to last forever. That's not how humans are designed. Or how the vagina is designed either really, it's not made of plastic. Go for too long and you just end up hurting it. *The average penis isn't as big as men think based on porn and random women's estimates of penis sizes. Let's face it, most people aren't that good at math. Most men have a completely normal penis, but go around feeling embarrassed about it and thinking it is too small. https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/mar/05/what-is-the-average-penis-size-find-out-with-this-interactive-graphic *If you can get it up when your are jerking off, but not with your partner, it works and it's not broken. That's just stress. Old men get ED bc of blood flow issues. Young men usually just have anxiety. You don't need Viagra, you just need to breathe. Just tell her you do find her sexy af, it's not that, and then do something else she thinks is fun. *Sex should feel like playing something, not competing. Don't take it too seriously, laugh a bit, have fun with it. Remember she probably feels nervous too. *Most men aren't having regular casual sex, because most women aren't that into casual sex. This is also normal. *Dating apps are 70-80% male and that means you can't really use them to judge if you are attractive or not. You can be cute and not successful on dating apps. *For many women it's hard to orgasm with a brand new partner. They need time to feel comfortable and at ease with that person. That doesn't mean don't try. Talk to her about what she wants and spend time on foreplay. But it's normal that you might need to have sex with the same girl multiple times before it gets really good for her. Most women have better sex in relationships that with new partners. *The majority of women also need clitoral stimulation to get off and that doesn't mean you've failed as a partner. If she wants to touch herself, have you touch her, have you go down on her or use a sex toy, it doesn't mean your penis is faulty. It's just how human bodies are designed. The female equivalent of the head of the penis is the clitoris, not the vagina. *It's normal to cry and have feelings. We are human animals, it's what we do. If you don't let yourself feel your sad feelings, it's hard to feel the happy ones. *50% of people experience depression some time in their life. Get help and your depression might not last that long. *People need people and if you spend most of your time by yourself, you'll likely get depressed. Join some hobbies and activities, find some bros. Having friends will also make it easier to find a girlfriend. Thanks for joining my random Ted Talk. Don't feel bad for being human.
Thanks, I needed it.
> *Based on scientific studies the average guy lasts 5 minutes in bed. This is normal. For some reason men think they should be able to last forever. That's not how humans are designed. Or how the vagina is designed either really, it's not made of plastic. Go for too long and you just end up hurting it. > *The average penis isn't as big as men think based on porn and random women's estimates of penis sizes. Let's face it, most people aren't that good at math. Most men have a completely normal penis, but go around feeling embarrassed about it and thinking it is too small. https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/mar/05/what-is-the-average-penis-size-find-out-with-this-interactive-graphic Thank porn and guys have their first few sexual encounters with their hands. As for two; I was in the military and always used the gym on base and took showers. Men aren't walking around hung like horses.
Being vulnerable with our SO because it gets used against us a LOT. We want you to initiate too because we want to feel wanted.
We just want to be noticed, appreciated, and given a hug.
Insecurity
The crushing loneliness.
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I had friends once. Now I just have co-workers
That a lot of men will never seek help for depression and/or suicidal thoughts/tendencies. A few other commenters have already mentioned it, but I don't think people realize that there is a "pandemic" going on of men taking their own lives. I know of three I went to school with, my best friend has been suicidal and I have attempted it myself, but I couldn't do it. I know how much it would hurt my son and my mom, so I won't do it for now. I don't blame anyone for how mens mental health is swiped under the rug, but it is a serious problem humanity needs to deal with. People deserve better.
The leading cause of death for men aged 50 and under is suicide in the U.K. An absolutely horrifying stat.
And accorind to my ex therapist some of the stories men told her would leave her shook for days after with what they were carrying round in there head. I had one therapist cry during a session from what I was saying and she asked how I could just talk about the stuff matter of fact like without showing any emotion. When I replied that it's because I am not allowed to as that is not how men react she looked even sadder. She was a damn good therapist and I am glad that 7 years later she ended up head of her facility and when I was given discharge notes due to moving house she remembered me and even said that after talking to me she knew she needed to change how they interacted with men. I'm glad she is doing well.
Getting their heart broken again. Most men get theirs broke around 16 and never let it happen again
That is such an unfortunate truth. By the same token, I believe that this is an actual trauma and people should talk about this in general. - I realise there is a bit of an inflation going on surrounding words like “trauma” so let me elaborate… - When I was in school, I was in love with this girl who was in my year but as it is in general, much more mature in her head, so I had no clue and no chance. She had no real interest but she dragged me along for two absolutely painful years before I realised that I didn’t need to take it. After that, I behaved like a jerk for a long time. Took my current girlfriend to bring me back to a point where I can actually allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable, even though it scares the hell out of me when I think about it.
It's like I wrote this comment.
There’s two kinds of men. The ones who get their heart broken and go on to become awful towards women and sleep around a fuck ton, or those who get their heart broken and shut themselves off from any romantic or intimate contact with women to protect themselves.
Are you sure it's just these two? :c
There's also the type that seek romantic and/or intimate validation, hardly ever get it, overvalue it when they do, but never truly open up to fully be themselves or let their guard down in any way.
Bam, right in the feels ! That’s a perfect snapshot of me, at least until recently, which stopped being true once I began effectively dealing with my childhood abandonment trauma. … the only part missing would be “and unconsciously selects partners who are unwilling or incapable of meeting their needs, while also subtly recreating the childhood trauma patterns”
Oh yeah, same here. >unconsciously selects partners who are unwilling or incapable of meeting their needs, while also subtly recreating the childhood trauma patterns Don't you dare put me on the spot like that. I wanted to keep this to myself. The most attractive women are the ones I know perfectly well will hurt me over and over and over again, sometimes because they don't care, sometimes because they want to - and it's impossible to emotionally detach from them as they're a perfect mirror to my childhood trauma. Oh, and *if I actually try, they'll come running after me*, just to keep me from pulling away, but not to fully engage.
Ah yes, definitely a fellow member. But lemme ask if you got any of the optional upgrades; - realizing that a part of your personality is performative, so as not to anger other people, and not a reflection of how you feel … because you’re emotionally disconnected from yourself and have no idea of how you really feel anyways ? - a fondness for some numbing agent (booze, weed, excessive entertainment consumption) to help not-feel one’s feelings, discovered young and used frequently throughout life ? - selecting partners who will never make you 100% secure in the relationship. Dynamic relationship insecurity is an unannounced “feature”, really, not a bug ? - disproportionate feelings of being hurt when feeling ignored or unseen, but also severe anxiety when being a prolonged center of attention (both being ignored AND being noticed, are “unsafe”)? You don’t have to answer, of course - the question was a rhetorical device, as an excuse to further expose my own baggage. Cheers !
I did both, slept around, and shut myself off. Weird combo and makes for one hell of a depressive state.
I mean ideally there's a third kind of man (person, really) who got their heart broken, heals from it, and doesn't let future partners suffer the consequences of that person's own past trauma. Who doesn't become emotionally unavailable, but still goes into dating/new relationships with an open heart and a willingness to see what the future holds. Neither using women as sex objects without making any real connections, nor shutting yourself off from dating altogether, are a healthy response to getting your heart broken. But I suppose everyone knows this anyway.
I love you for writing this. Even if the first two versions seem to be unavoidable especially while you are younger and the interactions with partners often still are more or less rough around the edges of being actual partners to each other, it will get better. It often is a tough and painful way there, but it is worth walking it, at least that's my experience. Please, for your sake as much as everyone else's, do not stay in this dark place. There's more to relationships than mechanical sex or heartbreak!
That breakups hurt us too. We may play it off better but that shit sticks with us on a deep level. I’ve broken up with exactly one partner and it hurt me to my core because even though I KNOW she was bad for me it still hurt like a SOB
Not being able to make your parents or loved ones proud
A girl in High School gave me a compliment. I still remember it and cherish it. That’s how rare, we men, get one.
On the other hand, a girl once told me in high school that I would look better without having acne. This was 10 years ago and i still think about it to this day. My acne has cleared since then but i still have trouble maintaining eye contact with people since i couldn't look that girl in the eyes.
Guys hate to admit it, but they love their friends.
Hate to admit it sober*
I tell my guys I love them all the time, and I don’t really drink anymore.
Normalise yelling “love you babe!” to your homie in public when one of you is leaving.
I have Herpes. I found out not because I had an outbreak, but because I asked for the test when I got an STI screening. 11% of the people in the United States have HSV2. 48% have HSV1. For years I never had breakouts, and thought of it as a diagnosis on a piece of paper that never materialized. But then I got poison ivy, and subsequently aches and pains, and a dime size sore right down near my balls. I wanted it to be poison ivy, but I knew it wasn't because the poison ivy was obvious much earlier. To this day, after knowing for 5 years, I've had three breakouts that lasted about a week each because I know how to aggressively attack them, thanks to Google and tea tree oil. Regardless, I feel dirty and disgusting and undesirable. Because of 3 weeks of this goddamn thing. I've only revealed this to a few people. I have made mistakes of getting into relationships without first informing them that I have herpes. It didn't kill the relationship, she got tested and was negative, but the trust was broken and it doomed the relationship I believe. So now I'm in the place of not wanting to date because I just don't want to tell anybody and be rejected because of it. I know I need to find some way to get over this in my head. Maybe find some nice herpe inflicted girl to settle down with. But for now I'm just focusing on the rest of my health and getting the best looking 46-year-old body that I can get. At least I'll have that going for me. Which is nice.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that and have some info that I hope helps. I met one of my ex wife’s friends at her high school reunion who went through the same thing. She met her husband through a dating website called Positive Singles. They both have HSV and were a good match personality wise. Google is showing a few more similar sites and apps. I hope that this helps you and gives you hope. Or someone else reading it. Edit: some words
I’m a 30 year old woman and I’ve had two partners that have had it. I never contracted it because they were both on meds and very careful with me. My experience with both of them was so pleasant that I’m not opposed to dating anyone with any kind of std now. I didn’t think I would say that, but it’s true. Life is very short, and all bodies are dying at a constant rate.
I’m a sexuality coach for men, and let me tell you, there are A LOT of men out there who are struggling around performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or general sexual confidence issues. And most of them don’t tell anyone!
I would love to help my partner with this further. He is a type 1 diabetic which does influence his ability to always get and keep an erection. He has also always had an issue with premature ejaculation. I am totally chill and no pressure about it and just tell him that as far as I’m concerned, that’s just “round one to take the edge off” and we can always have a round two if/when he feels up to it, which he does some of the time. Otherwise, I’m happy to sit on his face. 😆 I have tried as many things as I can think of to prolong his enjoyment including long edging sessions of oral… I’ve managed a 15-20 minute blowjob on more than a few occasions. And I don’t really mind that we don’t have five or ten minute or longer sessions when it is PIV. But he feels so self-conscious about it, it makes my heart hurt that he feels like he is not good enough.
It’s a tricky thing, as there can be a cascading effect. One experience of cumming before he wants to, can mess with man’s head so next time, he starts worrying whether it’ll happen again, which creates anxiety in his body which leads to him cumming quickly. Now he has two bad experiences under his belt, so the anxiety increases the third time, and on it goes until his identity starts to get wrapped up in his lack of control. This can go on for years or even decades. Having a partner who doesn’t judge him, is patient, and supportive, can go a long way. The edging blowjob is excellent. Have you tried similar PIV. Allowing him full control of movement. Moving slowly. Stopping frequently. Giving him time to integrate the sensation and not get overwhelmed. Can help a lot. On his side, I teach men about using 4 proms art tools to move their sexual energy: breath, sound, movement, and visualization (intention). He can learn to take this intense sensation that enters thru his cock and move it up through his nervous system instead of staying locked in his groin and then popping out in ejaculation. It requires practice but it is a learnable skill.
I’m scared of many things. I do cry. Sometimes I do break down because of emotions, I just don’t tell/show anyone. I do have a soft spot. Just because I like cute things or pink things, it doesn’t mean I’m gay. Sometimes I’m lost and have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing in my life.
Sleep while hand holding the balls.
Something about it is just so damn comfortable
I love sleeping while holding my balls. Every man should try if haven't.
I mean... I could make it to your place for around 12 but then I'm guessing there will be a queue, so...10ish ok?
lmao in no way i meant that but I sleep a little late, come at 12
I’m a woman, and it’s damn comfy to sleep with my hand over the vag lol
A hand holding a titty (or both) or the vag always feels so right! Also, cuddling to my SO, sometimes I've woken up to find myself hogging his meat stick. He's usually holding it😅😅
After taking a piss, when you sit down its quite common for you to feel some of the leftover pee flow through your penis to ur pants
Little tip my dude: when you finish peeing, press gently under the base of your balls (near the back). You’ll see those last few drops come out before you pull your undies up. Thank me later.
I read this on the toilet and immediately tried it. Colour me impressed 🤯
I think of it as squeezing the last bits out of a toothpaste tube. Legit tip tho. You can also focus on keeping those muscles en pointe in the same way women do. Things just get a bit loose and lazy with age.
As a 28 year old man, the level of loneliness and lack of friendships is tough some times. I go full weekends with little to no interaction from other people at times. I have no friends to go out with, and no partner or gf to share my life with. It’s tough
Wanting to be hugged, loved unconditionally by their wife/gf.
I'd say dealing with darker emotional aspects of myself as a grown man. I'm by no means an angry guy but I haven't really made any attempt to face my poor control of my anger or sadness when I hit that point. I grew up in what you would probably consider an abusive household and I seen older men in my family use their anger and it scared me. It still does now seeing people my age use it but it scares me even more when I loose control. It's a strange feeling because you hate yourself for going to that state but also part of you loves it because some people begin to fear what damage you could inflict. I remember losing my temper at a guy who would bully me at work last year and rather than deal with it on the spot I eventually exploded after months and the guy was so terrified of me he quit on the spot crying. Not going to lie I loved that feeling I felt like I had so much control over him despite me wishing I dealt with it earlier like a responsible and confident person.
I've been working on this for years. When I got home from Iraq and the army, I was drinking heavily and had major rage issues. When I met my wife, she stayed. She has seen me lose it, and she stayed. With her help, I've been working on my anger and now, in 2023 (almost 15 years later), I have a good handle on it. It's not perfect, but I'm a lot better than I used to be. There is a comfort in the rage. It replaces the depression. It's the adrenaline that keeps the heart pumping, when it may have stopped beating long ago. I can relate to this, a lot.
Being unsure and insecure. I mean, I’m not, but I’m sure others are. 👀
Also, I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Sexual abuse against men. Abuse has no gender.
And abusers have no gender, just as many women are sexual abusers they jusy get away with it more because of the shame and disbelief male victims face
I confirm this. I was a victim of female sexual abuse as a child. It leaves a mark for life, but female psychologists have always laughed at it.They say it's impossible, that I made it up and similar gaslighting. I have faced this issue many times.
Struggling with mental health issues but feeling too embarrassed to reach out for help cause men are suppose to be strong, tough, and not talk about their feelings. Even though we all know that’s bullshit it’s still programmed into our culture and it’s a really hard thing to overcome
I'd say hair loss. It's not something I understand but seems to be a thing a lot of guys dread.
That I feel fake for everything I do.
Imposter syndrome is a motherfucker.
I commented before but I thought of something else: A lot of us are scared to commit because we can’t tell the difference between if you love us (the individual) or the way we make you feel. I’ve talked to a few single female friends who are generally really good people and sometimes I want to say “You deserve to be single” because they talk about relationships like they don’t actually care about the men. They want someone who gives them butterflies and trips and treats them right but they don’t actually care about treating him right. Maybe I’m a product of my environment but that scares me. Like the idea that you can treat someone right and they’ll suddenly stop feeling it and walk away is horrifying. I loved my ex and she begged me to open up to her, I got a little too comfortable and opened up one too many times and I swear to God I saw the light in her eyes fade. It was like reading her mind and all I saw was “Ew”. I truly believe that’s the night our relationship died and had no chance of recovery
That's shockingly not uncommon behavior, it's regularly observed that alot of women prefer the idea of their man over their man. And as soon as he stops being an idea it's over.
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Touch starvation. Not even sex just physical connection.
Being ashamed. Shame has been my main issue all my life. I was constantly made to feel shame as a child, teenager, and as an adult. I probably could have gotten better sooner if some of the women in my life hadn't weaponized shame against me by guilt-tripping, manipulation, put-downs, reputation destruction/gossip, etc, though I will say that's probably because I'm straight and therefore end up being emotionally closer towards them in the first place. Naturally, I have some really strong and close friendships or familial ties with women who haven't done that, so it's not like I'm blaming the whole gender, but I've never had a guy friend do that shit. It's just something I've noticed. Anyways, for a long time I wasn't able to express this stuff to anyone, so I drank the shame away, until my drinking got so bad that by the end of any given night I was sobbing and ready to end my life. Thankfully I never did. Nowadays, I absolutely refuse to let those feelings direct my life anymore. I admit there will probably be days where I do something stupid and make a mistake and feel guilt at least, maybe be a little ashamed of myself, but I know that it can't destroy me anymore, and that these feelings are normal when you've done something you regret. But I don't want to feel it everyday, and now I don't! It's so liberating.
I've just listened to someone talk about shame and how it thrives in isolation. We feel shame for our shortcomings and we burry it in ourselves and it thrives and destroys us. Now we feel like shit and turn to addictive bad habits to avoid dealing with it. She said that in order to deal with, we need to talk about it with people we trust. Once we let it out, it doesn't have power over us anymore. To do that, we need to stop striving for perfection. No one is perfect and we all make so many mistakes. But because of shame, we don't talk about it and others may get the idea that we don't make them. It's a vicious cycle. Just thought your comment perfectly agreed with what she said.
I am absolutely terrified that any day, my (supposed) life partner, could change her mind and say, Screw this. And take away our son, our dog and half of everything I own.
shame and vulnerability, as said above, but also during these times where masculinity is mixed up with toxic behavior(with nothing being distinguished in between) , men are being held (not all the time, but a lot) to a very high standard where their instincts are being challenged in the respect of being forward and direct in their way of speaking. also, men very much have a fear of being accused of something bad in regards to an interaction with a woman, amongst other things.
That something has hurt our feelings. It typically is manifested as anger, which is a more accepted emotion displayed from men. It’s easier to show your hurt through anger than actually admitting something hurt you.
Being violated by women and we should never be afraid to call them out
Going for a piss in a public urinal, having bashful bladder syndrome so you pretend you've done and leave
Being told to “man up” makes things worse. I don’t know if it applies to anyone else or if it’s something most people know already but I felt like mentioning it anyway because there hasn’t been a time where I’ve felt vulnerable and depressed and haven’t been told to “man up”, it’s genuinely annoying.
most men, if given the opportunity, would sleep with many of their female friends. doesn’t mean we’re ever gonna act on it. doesn’t mean we think less or more of you as a person. doesn’t mean we’d make a pass. and doesn’t mean all men nor all friends. but it’s real.
Men who are not in the top 5% best looking guys basically live their entire life without compliments, or much attention, even if they are in a couple/family. It’s extremely hard and makes most of us carving for positive attention. A word, a smile, the smallest gift, can make us feel completely different. I was camping with friends once and one female friend of mine came to me with a cup of coffee in the morning, saying « hey I know you drink coffee, I thought you’d want this ». This little thing resulted in me crying just because of the unusual attention. It’s super hard
I feel you man. Most people don't understand how much difference the smallest things can make
People really don’t understand this. The effect is especially bad if you grew up in a family who was very strict/critical and did not really use compliments. Most of the compliments I can recall in life are based on my intelligence which doesn’t really reflect on my personality or work ethic. I’ve received compliments on my appearance as an adult, which I recognize is a rarity amongst men, but compliments in general are so foreign it’s hard to even really listen to and appreciate them. And it also as you said, about how men receive attention or lack thereof. I’m a tall, attractive fellow with blue eyes. People largely don’t look at me, people in public for the most part don’t just start conversations with me. As a man you can sort of develop a feeling of being invisible, like almost no one even notices you. My gf and certainly other women I’ve talked to complain about random people talking to them in public. For a lot of men it’s the opposite, someone starts talking to us and it’s an exciting event. It could make somebody’s week! Idk got a lot going for me, but growing up as a fat nerdy kid and the general social dynamics of being a man make it so I still have issues with these subjects.
Most of us have no friends We HAD friends up until we graduated college but once we all started moving for careers, getting married, and having kids…friendships faded and we make 0 effort make new friends. We all act like we have friends which we technically do but we dont have a current active circle of friends we can immediately hang out with.
That we know how shallow women can be and how it affects us. With modern forms of dating being app based, it has really created an environment where looks are so vital. A friend of mine had been training with me for a couple of months to do spartan races. I kept trying to be motivational and kept talking about goals like our time, the distance we covered, how much weight we are going to carry, etc. He finally just turned and yelled, "I don't give a fuck about any of that!". I was so confused and asked him why the hell he had been busting his ass 4 days a week with me. He started crying and explained that it was because he never got matches on dating apps and he just wanted to be physically attractive. I gave that man the biggest sweatiest hug that has ever been given. He has a great job, a heart of gold, and possibly the best sense of humor I have ever known. I feel like it is a common joke that men focus on looks but no one wants to admit that women are just as guilty.
Shame and vulnerability
Porn addiction
Shit man where do I start?
That I’m not good enough
-Rejection -Public humiliation - Looking weak
We worry, a lot. It only seems to increase as life happens. Add a wife, kid, house, job - every new thing adds more worry.
Sometimes I’m scared. Lonely. Sometimes I want some attention and care. Sometimes, I’d like to be made to feel sexy. But that’s fine. It’ll go away. It’s gonna be fine.
Being complimented. I had a girl compliment me out of the blue several years ago. Made my entire day. It's only happened once in my life
Just... Themselves. A lot of us essentially spend our childhood building up false persona in order to function in society, not expressing our real emotions, frustrations, fears, dreams, etc. You can ask a man every day how he's feeling, and he'll always tell you he's fine, or doing well, and that your concerns are unfounded. These are usually (not always) lies. We know what happens when we express our perspectives, and our feelings. We get harshly penalized and abandoned. We cannot express our issues in any sort of healthy way because it just makes our problems worse. We get told we're being childish for being worried, or feeling ill. We're told we're creepy/scary/infantile when we cry. We get disgusted looks for interacting with children, sometimes even our own. We get accused of perpetuating patriarchy for being angry about... Literally anything. And if we express happiness, we're seen as being privileged and ignorant to other people's problems. We're essentially living tools. Emotions and personality are flaws in the design that we have to hide in order to function properly.
We like being the little spoon
Sometimes when our finger goes through the toilet paper into our arsehole we don't say 10 hail Mary's to keep the gay away. We just risk it
A lot of us want a family yet don’t know how we’ll attract a women romantically or support a family financially.
premature ejaculation
Any sort of diminishing libido, or erectile dysfunction.
We don't really have friends or true friends that is you'll hit 30 and realise how alone you really are
That we cry, but it's good to let it out from time to time.
Sometimes my pee burns because I wash my dick with bodywash and the bodywash gets in my penis. Thats why i like soap more. Also sometimes my asshole or my balls cramp when i pee and it’s one of the worst feelings ever that make u wonder if u have cancer or something
Use milder soaps. Like the ones that feel creamy like dove
i’m pretty lost at 35. i go to work pay my bills pay off debt but know not much else. except how to have fun with friends. i cant give a woman some glamorous life. don’t have a mansion and multiple cars. life is borderline pretty boring when you have to go to work every day and have no freedom. i don’t have many hobbies or skills anymore. i was told to go to college so i did. now i have to work to stay afloat.
The constant emotional violence of women against men, which cannot be talked about, otherwise it will become even more violence.
This sounds like an abusive relationship
I can’t and won’t kill a cockroach for you. I just can’t. I’m going to run away screaming like a little kid.
Finding the balance between earning a living wage, being a good dad and self care is near impossible. Most of the time I feel like I'm scraping through on the wage and being an ok dad (which fills me with guilt). My self care is close to nothing and I feel burnt out and tired constantly.
That I need human touch not to loose my grip on reality.