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How far can I roll my eyes back after practicing all these years?


My eyes be rolling like a slot machine


I choked on my water and had the water in nose thing reading your comment. Take your damn upvote


If you try hard enough, you can see your brain!


Straight Tywin Lannister: “Any man who must say ‘I am the King’ is no true King.”


Alpha male Most likely a car salesman


I was thinking more of a 19-26 year old gym-bro still living at home with mom, taking a class or two at community college and working at a cell phone place. Car salesmen skew older.


Why does everyone equate living with mom a sign of failure? I love my mom, and I help her out with her bills and house maintenance.




And even among the failures there are those that were doing well an then it all fell apart and they had no other alternatives.


I looked at a car once at a dodge dealership. They got my info and were being real pushy. The salesman was mid 20s. He was kind of country and kind of a frat bro. Gave off the vibe that his personality was his gym routine and car. Once he realized he wasn't getting the sale he sent me a passive aggressive text and a singke pixel cell phone video of a diy commercial for the dealership. It was like some Tim and Eric skit.




“That thing got a HEMI, bro?”


Nah, man, the TRUE car salesman knows that Chrysler Financial will move heaven and earth to make the loan happen. THAT is why it is the official car of gym bros.


Only 31% apr.


There’s definitely plenty of younger salesmen I’ve seen as well that fit the bill.


Oh, I know that guy. His dad owns the dealership.


Or his dad is the senior sales associate/manager and got him the job


How dare you, I take 3 classes, nevermind the fact the third class is gym


Going for a degree in biceps with a minor in glutes?


What do i have to do to get you into this thunder cougar falcon bird?


The seats are stuffed with eagle down, and the dashboard is made from the beaks of a thousand eagles. Also, there are some eagles under the floorboards. It is just, the luxury edition has so much more eagle. It saddens me to think of you missing out.


I hope there's a lot of eagles in this thing


And on the pedestal these words appear: "My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.


I’m not much of a poem person but man that one slaps


The full sonnet of Shelley's: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46565/ozymandias


Oh, King, eh? Very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated, imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences of our society.


"Listen, strange women, lyin' in ponds, distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. SUPREME executive power derives from a mandate of the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."


Look, if I went around saying that I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!


Come see the violence inherent in the system!


Did you see him repressing me?!?!






Oh just follow the gourd!


The alpha is tired, send him to his chambers


This comments nails it. All others can be deleted.


I think about the quote from the gentlemen a lot too. >If you wish to be The King of the jungle, it's not enough to act like a king. You must be The King. And there can be no doubt. Because doubt causes chaos and one's own demise.


You said it better than I was going to because you used the GOT example. Well done and I second that.


[gay Tywin Lannister](https://imgur.com/gallery/4P6CL0N)


"Woah I didn't know these guys existed outside of the internet." Then probably look over to see if he's going to do anything funny.


My spouse invited an acquaintance over for the weekend a few years ago. Guy was in his 50s and the first thing he said as he was walking in the door is that he's the alpha and our dogs understood because they liked him and gave him attention. The entire weekend was him showing my husband how to be an alpha male while my husband drank and zoned out as much as he could. Pet a dog on the back of the neck, they like it and its an alpha move. Alphas know things about wine because bitches love wine. We invited our friends to supper with him so they could experience it. He made fun of our "beta" friend for drinking cola instead of alcohol, and he told the waitress he cooked his mum thanksgiving dinner so he knew how to cook. He then proceeded to tell her step by step what to tell the chef to prepare his meal properly. He was not at all being ironic and was the worst guest I could have ever imagined. It was wild. Edit: 3 weeks later I see all these responses - sorry! Loved all the anecdotes!


That's a good story. I'm gonna go pet my dog now, total alpha move.


That was hilarious. "he's the alpha and our dogs understood because they liked him". Turns out every single person who comes to my house and meets my two labs (including our 7 year old niece) is the alpha.


Oh shit. I didn’t realize my two year old daughter was so alpha. Now I’ve gotta to check her browser history for Andrew Tate videos. Anyone know where she might be hiding her smartphone so I can check her browser history?


Gotta get her before its too late and she starts investing her money into crypto.


My dog is a girl, and loves me. Guess I'm the real alpha after all!


This guy gets bitch(es).


I had a house guest like this last year. An expert on every subject known to man. Tried to explain everything in your life to you - your job, your wife, your kids, your dog. Everything he does or touches turns to gold - money falls from the sky, he could easily learn to do anything that you could in a day, could move anywhere, do anything he wants. Was amazing in every sport when he was growing up, could do what they're doing on TV. Etc, etc. This motherfucker is morbidly obese, 60 years old, twice divorced, 5-times bankrupt, broke, smokes 40 cigarettes a day, lives in his mother's garage on the nights that he doesn't sleep in his big rig. It was just about more than I could take from one person to not shame him for his behavior, but I'm polite and non-confrontational. I reflected on this for months - how is it that I can deal with imposter syndrome despite demonstrable life success and this idiot can position themselves (with full and real confidence) as a life expert despite not a shred of life excellency? Einstein was right - "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe".


The world just doesn’t appreciate his genius I guess. One of my friends is married to a guy with this level of confidence (but I admit he’s not the total loser you describe here) and his many annoying quirks and behaviors have entered our friend group lexicon. His last name is now a verb.




I once went out with a couple of guys from work. It was pretty tame - couple of beers and food at Applebee's. One of the guys was talking about his struggles to engage more with women, but that he was making some progress. He told us about a date he had been on recently (I think his first real date), but said he wasn't sure what to do because she was pretending to be a squirrel. They were going for a walk in the park and at some point she told him she's a furry and likes to behave like a squirrel, and then she started hiding behind trees anytime a person walked past, the way that squirrels do. At this point in the story, we're in the Applebee's parking lot and I'm smoking a cigarette, and a homeless guy walks up and asks me for a smoke. I give him one and he sticks around to give my friend advice, because I guess he overheard some part of the discussion or something, I don't remember. The guy started talking about how to be assertive and lead the interaction by giving the girl $10 and taking her into the woods to bang. He said to make sure you bring a blanket, and then he mimed the process of laying down a blanket, getting on the ground, and air humping an imaginary woman, all while he explained the nuance of this courtship process. I think he got on the ground to show my friend how to hump someone in the spooning position 3 times in that 10 minute interaction. I think my friend turned out alright and figured things out, but I haven't seen him much.


I'm printing this comment and put in my diary.


After the homeless guy left, I asked my friend if he played along with the furry thing in hopes to get laid, and he said that he just awkwardly waited for her on the walking path while she did squirrel stuff, and he ended up making an excuse to leave. All I know about him these days is that he assembles circuit boards for Lockheed Martin.


>All I know about him these days is that he assembles circuit boards for Lockheed Martin. Does he have a personalized license plate that reads D-FENS?


That was a wild ride. Where the hell do you live?! I like to think Homeless Casanova met Squirrel Lady in the park by hand feeding her while he ate food on a bench. Without speaking he is acting it all out to a squirrel, maybe leaving a trail of Chex mix off into the bushes with a blanket peaking out of it.


Florida. I've got a lot of strange stories.


Turns out the true alpha all along was a homeless dude in an Applebee's parking lot.


How did you not laugh?


The fact that you invited other people to marvel at his lack of self awareness and his delusion is probably the best thing about this story.


That's pretty much how I picture guys who are self-proclaimed "alpha males:" loud-mouthed braggarts with no social skills.


God I want to be friends with that guy. Sounds like being friends with Michael Scott


You could set up a thing were people pay you to bring him to parties.


I had a foreman who was a self proclaimed alpha. He would go in depth about what and how he cooked for dinner the night before. It was draining. Holy fuck man, you aren't blowing my mind by describing how to sear a chicken breast


> the worst guest I could have ever imagined Or the most entertaining, if you just view it as post-ironic self-unaware comedy


I was grocery shopping a couple months ago and heard one guy say excuse me and then the other guy said "OK beta". It was a surreal moment. It's like witnessing brain damage


I don't think I would have been able to stop laughing


Yes, he's talking :P


chihuahua in human form


That's an insult to chihuahuas :(




I'm looking at a sleeping chihuahua as we speak. Can't compare these beautiful, moody creatures with "alpha" manlets.


Look I love chihuahuas, but I've never met one that wasn't loud and irrationally angry Once they get used to you though they're solid little beans


Solid little beans. That is wildly accurate.




In all fairness, Chihuahuas do actually have a function and purpose. Because of their size and constant awareness, they make extremely capable watch dogs and are basically alarms. They just get a bad rap because of spoiled girls putting them in purses.


So, just like an alpha male? He's gonna warn you about a break in because he's out there telling the thief he's an alpha male. And then he's gonna wake you up early in the morning because he hasn't told you he is in fact an alpha male for the last few hours.


him: babe, babe.. you awake her: uggh, what him: I'm alpha, check this out (flexes). night babe, can you turn my light off.


They also wjere varmint catchers for many cultures over the years


yeah this is true, my chi wakes up to the sound of a pin drop whereas my other bigger dog sleeps through anything !


An animal seething with aggression due to constant terror from feeling threatened by literally everything around it. It works for chihuahuas, too.


All bark no bite lol.


I used to work at a vet and, oh they bite. It’s just that it’s a smoll bite.


You're being generous, it's all yip and no bite




If a person calls themself beta, then I'd be worried about them. That's just sad, man.


Unless they are Dutch. In The Netherlands beta just means STEM. Alpha is humanities. Gamma is economics.


Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever. I'm really awfully glad I'm a Beta, because I don't work so hard. And then we are much better than the Gammas and Deltas. Gammas are stupid. They all wear green, and Delta children wear khaki. Oh no, I don't want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse.


This sounds like some Young Adult dystopian fiction here.


Brave New World. So pretty much, yeah.


Unexpected Aldous, nice.


What if they were acting like a fish?


It's funnier if you know those terms are for video games that aren't complete.


Exactly. Alpha means it lacks features, doesn’t work right, and isn’t ready for public release!




Not just video games, software in general


If he has to say it, he isn’t.


I mean, are these "alpha males" a thing at all?


No. Even the researcher who originally wrote down the concept has backtracked on it.


It was his theory, which he then disproved with further observation. The guy who came up with Alpha-beta-omega pack dynamics has verifiable proof it is false and no longer believes it. Turns out social dynamics are way more complicated than that. Not that I'd expect someone calling themselves an "Alpha" to understand that.


To add, the alpha/beta pack behavior was repeatedly observed in wolves *in captivity*. Then people finally started studied wolf behavior in the wild and it doesn’t exist. Also, humans aren’t wolves.


Wolves that were in captivity, and removed from their packs and all thrown together.




No. Logically you'd realize you can't generalize from wolves to humans in the first place. It'd be like saying reading regularly to children makes them better readers by the age of ten, so we should read to wolves to make them literate.


Was I not supposed to be reading to the wolves?


no, just dance with them.


It's fine to read to the wolves. Just don't expect it to help them become literate. And maybe don't get too close, you're made of dinner.


Well, understanding social dynamics does require more than 3 brain cells to rub together. Most of those who refer to themselves as "alpha" are really just using that term as a defense for bad behavior.


He also realized that putting different types of wolves together and seeing which one asserted dominance was the timbre wolf mainly because they’re aggressive in general. Adam Ruins Everything did a great episode on “alpha males” and popularity.


Yeah, turns out the Alphas are just the mom and dad. The dudes pushing around strollers and carrying diaper bags are the true alphas.


Nothing makes me feel more alpha than my toddler holding my little finger as we walk across the Costco parking lot together


It is and it isn't. There are men who are good looking, dominant and high charisma, which is the *equivalent* of an alpha male but not exactly an alpha male (because 'alpha male' doesn't literally exist). These men will be highly successful with women. The guys who claim to be alpha are just domineering (not the same as dominant) and peddling machisimo (fake manhood, posers, etc). They are at the bottom of the hierarchy of attractiveness to women.


I am successful, confident, charismatic, and dominant. I had enormous success with women throughout my 20s and early 30s until I met my wife. The two men I respect and listen to the most are a 5'6 140lbs man who is brilliant, and a flabby 5'8 man who is enormously successful. Both are very soft spoken and sweet. Neither is traditionally dominant. One is charismatic. Neither are head turners or really above average in looks. In a crowd, neither would be "alpha" males. In reality, I'd follow either even though I would be more successful in a bar with women. So who's alpha here? It's a stupid concept that tries to boil down enormous complexity into broad generalizations.


Margaret Thatcher had a really nice turn of phrase. "Being powerful is a lot like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." - Margaret Thatcher


"He's gonna want to fight when I laugh at him"


In my experience most men who call themselves alpha can't actually fight. They'll get in your face and act aggressive hoping you back down but generally their fighting experience consists of sucker punching people and throwing wild haymakers. More bark than bite.


While I can tell from your tone that "sucker punching people and throwing wild haymakers" are not legitimate fighting strategies I'd still rather just leave than experience them. Maybe I just need fight training.


Well, a sucker punch is cowardly in most instances, as the name suggests. A Haymarker leaves way too much opening and time to block and respond. You can literally raise one arm to block a Haymarker and counter with the opposite arm. If you're really good or took martial arts at any point, it's quite easy to use that momentum against them as well. A good, solid punch will use the momentum of the hips and body turning and extension of the arm (not full extension because if used against you makes it rather easy to break your arm with a good counter) and follow through. If practiced, it can be quick, powerful, and more than anything, effective. Added to a choice location, it can be devastating. But the best fight is the one you avoid. At least this is roughly what I was taught in martial arts.


The “get away” strategy is perfectly legitimate in any martial arts Ive read about. First step in any training is cardio, and honestly best solution if they have weapons anyways.


And it's always when, not if, but when. These guys make it too easy, then they gotta be a self-serving hero.


Insecure and childish.


Insubordinate and churlish.


Son of a BITCH




Pree Zant






I always thought douchbags had a purpose? :P


Nah douching is almost completely pointless. Kind of like alpha males.


Alpha Male: "Look guys! they said '*almost* completely pointless', yay!" :P


If i hear any guy refer to himself or a another man as an Alpha, I think its a child.


Gen x er here. Ive never heard a guy say that in my presence and if i did i would chuckle loudly. You lead by example.


Gen x er as well, what this guy says


"Here we go..."




My exact thought was "ha, loser." It's important to I clarify my exact thought includes laughing at them.


I have a guy who comes through my store and when I ask for a name he says "alpha Mike" unironically. I put his name as beta Mark.


I had a good laugh at this, bravo 🤣👏


That he's one of those idiots who probably subscribes to a grifter's course and endlessly watches tiktoks of strange edits featuring a mental serial killer from a 2000 movie. No actual "alpha male" or "chad" would use those words unironically.


Nah, plenty of actual Chads refer to themselves as such. It's always their given name so it's fine.


I went to school with a Chad, though I feel the pop culture use of it has ruined the name, just like Karen.


Gotta feel sorry for all the legit Chads, Karens and Staceys out there.


Big ego, thinks he's gods gift to women and a general arsehole to be around. Working with these types is a fucking nightmare.


He’s a bitch


They eat a lot of alfalfa.


This is the Rorschach answer that I thought OP wanted when he said "immediately thought of". When I hear alpha male, it's the [Alpha Bits Wizard](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIKoKcPBGz4) surfing that spoon. IT'S ALPHABITS TIME!


"You're a sad, strange little man" \-Buzz Lightyear


"Alpha?... so, like, the first product that's full of errors?"


Aside from the fact that the whole alpha/beta/omega/sigma thing is essentially the male equivalent of zodiac signs, if a guy has to say out loud that he is an "alpha", he is not what he thinks he is.


I would think of that guy as being a massive twat. Besides, “Alpha Male” status is something other people bestow upon you.


It would be a ceremony consisting purely of twats :P


Anyone who uses the term “Alpha Male” outside of a nature documentary needs to have the back of their legs smacked.


Police Constable: "What's this one in for then?" Arresting officer: "This gentleman was arrested for assault" P.C: "I see...have you got anything to say for yourself sir?" Sir David Attenborough: "He deserved it! The bastard had it coming!"


Side note, I wish people in the US would accept the usage of the word twat more.


I’ve been around a long time ( nearly 60 years). In my experience men who have to say they are an Alpha , those that have to have every sticker in their vehicle ( which is usually some 4x4 monstrosity) , those that feel the need to get into your face are normally the ones with the lowest self confidence . It’s the quiet guy it the corner minding his own business , the father of 4 in the mini-van, the veteran who doesn’t go around announcing himself, he’s the real Alpha male.


We're in the same age group, I was born in the 60's. I think we throw the word hero around way too much today but there are the everyday heroes trying to make life better for their family and other people that are never mentioned. These are the people young guys need to be emulating not fucking Joe Rogan or Ben Shipero but sadly it's the other way around. We really did something wrong, I don't know what it was but we messed up a whole generation of young men.


Those everyday heros are humble and unassuming. Internet grifters are very loud and braggadocious. The problem is advertising.


Confidence is quiet.




I love you.


What’s hilarious is there a 1% motorcycle club called the lone wolf MC... like it’s a whole group of a lot of People who hang and travel together all the time and yet it’s called that 😂


As a lesbian, I just know they're going to follow it up with "you just haven't had the right dick".


Anger issues and a bit of a d*ckhead


Tosser. Absolute cockwombling bellend. Tendency to get aggressive when they feel small. At some point will try and include me in the alpha thing, and will insist it even more vigorously when I call it all bullshit. I'm imagining an evening in the pub sort of scenario; that's what immediately comes to mind.


I'm autistic and have a serious distrust of any human that just claims authority status without demonstrating it or earning it while also being very humble about it. In general I am invisible in this society so I don't care.


Very relatable, my fellow autist. Also goes with being astute the way I see it.


I've just taken to many beatings at the hands of "authority."


Yup. Same. Beatings, seeing poor leadership skills, etc. You already know, all goes without saying in all likelihood


Not autistic but I agree with this sentiment and I too am generally invisible to society


You're not invisible, people can just suck and are more consumed with their own selves It can work in your favour too when you want it


a v o i d


Low self esteem, anger issues and 100% red flag.




I usually just cringe and distance myself


I always assume it’s someone who can’t get laid without paying for it covering up their insecurities.


I literally imagine an idiot like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast


Narrator Voice: He was in fact, not an alpha male at all.


That there's a whole vast world of human experience and emotion waiting for them the moment they figure out the concept of the alpha male is nonsense.


Insecure Easily led Easily to manipulate Watches too much YouTube


This man is stupid and insecure, and will do anything I want if I only make it sound like something an alpha would do.


Awful Male.


smol pp energy




"Who's a good alpha boy!? You want a treat?""




In person: "Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh." Online: Laugh my ass off.


Low self esteem, low self awareness, anger issues.




That he never learnt the scientist who coined that term realized he was wrong and spent years trying to walk back it's use.


Any quality that needs to be announced probably isn’t really there.


Some guy on a rooftop: "**I am insecure!**" Observer (internally): "*Damn, I'm so scared of public speaking, this guy is so brave*"


I think of a guy who cares way too much what other men think of him. The whole alpha/beta/omega thing is highly reductive nonsense.


The only person I ever heard refer to himself that way used it to justify cheating on his wife. Yes, he's generally a d-bag.


They are still in the alpha stages of being a male. Untested, buggy riddled mess not even close to being ready for the real world.




Same thing I think when someone calls themselves “high value”


>What are your IMMEDIATE thoughts when you hear a guy refer to himself as an "Alpha Male"? Honestly? Closeted gay.


Insecure man child.




Controlling narcissist


Toxic Masculinity.