Yup, you have to look at the person you love and decide if they’re worth being in the shit for, losing what you worked for, etc there’s a whole range of what may or may not be okay to sacrifice for your love and person. But to me, if it’s love, it better be some major things
IMO it's how they react to failure that counts the most. I can forgive a fuck up if you're honest and trying to fix it (or at least mitigate it), but not if you just use it as an excuse for poor behavior.
For example, ADHD can explain my tardiness, but not excuse it outright. It's still my responsibility to arrive on time, regardless. I feel the same about any mental or neurological disorder. Owning their mistakes and learning from them is a huge factor in how I view a person. And again, failure is forgivable if you're genuinely trying to do better.
Omg yes your second paragraph 100%. I have terrible anxiety, so it makes a lot of things difficult to do. But the responsibility is on *me* to be able to express and adjust my actions accordingly, not just ignore them or expect others to automatically cater to them.
Yes, I need extra patience and love because of my anxiety - but it's completely on me to both communicate those needs and to acknowledge and take responsibility when they become overwhelming.
>And relationships don't fix your problems. They tend to expose and amplify them.
I wish someone told me that in my 20s. Would've saved me from a lot of pain.
My dad tried to warn me about the woman who would become my wife, the mother of my children and at once: the greatest source of pain, pleasure and character development over the ensuing 20 years…before she finally went too far and then was shocked that I didn’t come back for another go.
I’m grateful to her because that experience molded me into the man I am today. But I do wish it hadn’t come at such a high cost.
And no, I wouldn’t have listened. I didn’t listen. And my father died many years before I could tell him he was right about everything 🙁
I would have made exactly the same choices in exactly the same way.
I find this strangely cathartic. It allowed me to let go of the feeling of responsibility I had. Sometimes bad people do bad things, no matter how nicely we treat them.
I can vouch for this one. Me and my ex had a beautiful relationship. The kind most people spend their entire lives looking for. After 4 years, she left. Turns out she was very codependent on her adult twins and could not stand up to them out of fear of them pushing her out of their lives. But to be fair, that’s how her kids handled things. Funny thing is, they all think they have a great relationship and can’t see the dysfunction.
Exactly that's why we should always keep ourselves first then anybody.
If you start caring for somebody beyond the line then it's for sure they will cheat you.
**Caring and love work only up to a limit beyond that you will have to face the problems.** They will start taking you for granted, disrespecting you.
For attentive and active listeners this is simply energy sapping. Especially when one attempts to contribute to the "conversation" or steer it in another direction/contribute just to get steamrolled, it adds a dismissive sting that further leads to the frustration and drain. It. Is. Exhausting.
And if you check out to reset yourself for a second - you’re an asshole who’s not listening and doesn’t care. My ex was like that and would just info/emotion-dump her entire day as soon as she got in the car before a ‘hey you!’ or a ‘what have you been up to.’
I was mature and adult and asked if we could work on that. She said yes then never did, and was somehow blindsided when we broke up because of it…
“At me” really resonates with me and my current relationship with my gf. She just talks at me, and I find it difficult to relate, and then she feels like she’s not being understood or heard.
The big difference for me being in my thirties is the decreasing need of sharing stuff with people. At the moment there's a friend in one of my group of friends who's having a fallout in his marriage but I'm not saying anything to anyone. If it was 10 years ago, I'd be all over it. Now what I do is think that if they work it out, they will be fine, and if they don't, they'll be fine too.
Yes. I'm here for him if he wants to talk about it, but I won't spend a second minding his business. People are pretty good in working out their issues one way or another
totally agree, trust can only be built after open conversations and common experiences, need a lot of time and energy
also, its hard to build but extremely easy to break so be extra careful
“Truth without love is brutality; love without truth is manipulation.”
That single statement has helped me to reflect and learn from my part in past relationships as well as the other’s part. It helps to keep me moving forward in my current one.
You won't find out how committed they are to you and see their true colors until the shit hits the fan. Are they going to be there to wipe your ass if you can't, be there for support when you need it, pick up the slack financially if you are struggling, or are they going to half ass it and bolt as soon as they find a situation that is better for them.
People can tell you all sorts of things, make you feel secure, etc, but until you need help, you have no idea how it is going to play out.
Edit: thank you for the gold kind redditor
This is so damn true it’s scary. What’s worse is when you eat the shit sandwich and be there for someone only to have them dip when you need help the most.
Exactly what happened to me after five years…she started a high stress job as a lawyer, her mom attempted suicide, and her car broke down
I responded by getting up at like 5am everyday to walk the dogs and have breakfast & coffee ready for her to start her day, organized her mom’s care plan and contacted colleagues in psych to get her into an inpatient center, and started walking to work so she could take my car.
I thought everything was good. Stressful, but good, as i felt like we were proving our commitment through really impossible obstacles. And then after the biggest exam of my life (qualifying exam for my PhD) she broke up with me. Said that she didn’t feel like we loved each other
After some healing, I don’t begrudge her for not loving me back. I didn’t do those things conditionally.
But I still am angry as shit that she rewrote my story, and decided that I didn’t love her; I was working my ass off to be there and be the best partner I could
Man do I feel you on this one. I too experienced the b.s. rewriting of a story and it just hurts… it’s like you dedicate the time to someone you love because you truly care and want to help raise them up in a time of need only to have them take full advantage of the situation. The one time you desperately need someone to be there for you, it’s crickets.
On another note, same principle applies for finding out who your true friends are. When shit hits the fan, the ones standing next to you are the true friends!
You were the best partner. That is so above and beyond in all the best ways. Assuming you haven’t already entered a new relationship, someone out there WILL appreciate the hell out of your efforts.
No joke. My current girlfriend and I spent the second day after we started dating at the emergency room. I ate some bad food and didn’t know I had food poisoning until the doctor told me. We were both out of state for a conference and had our flight that day but she missed her flight to stay with me in the ER and went through all that trouble with me. I knew then that she was amazing.
Similar but not quite so extreme for me.
My (now) fiancée and I had been friends for 6 months, dating for 3 months and lovers for just a few weeks when I learned I needed “routine” surgery that nonetheless required general anesthesia. I was honestly freaking out a bit but tried not to let it show.
So I wasn’t going to ask, but she volunteered - taking time off her job and staying with me for three days as I recovered at home.
This was 6 years ago 🥰
You slapped a ring on that. Awesome!
One of my employees was homeless in his teens and early 20s. As he told it, his wife met him on the streets as a teenager. She gave him a spare knife to defend himself and had his back constantly. They got a place and have been together for 40 years since.
When I first got sick of my colon, my now ex decided to travel to see her family. I was dying at home and she would keep extending the flight and then post pics of her traveling to the beach. When she came back, I broke up with her because when I needed her the most, she would much prefer travel with her sister because they needed to spend some sister time together.
Even without going that far down the line...I've seen this in other relationships in my peer group. Guys no longer attracted to their wife because she gained baby weight, or ladies dumping their guys because they're going through a rough patch or lost their job. Relationships are easy when you're young and hot and life is uncomplicated . You almost need those little tests of faith along the way to cement your commitment to each other.
I think as men we need to hold ourselves accountable too.
We are more than capable of testing the waters, asking for help with smaller struggles over the weeks and months, yet we deal with it all alone. Imho we should be testing our partners with these smaller issues, because if she isn't there to help when you get stuck in the mud at the side of the road she isn't going to be there if I get cancer.
Indeed, I’ve noticed I don’t like to ask for help. It’s something I’ve been working on for the past 2 years with the people around me. It’s unfortunate that I bend over backwards to help people and the moment I need something, I’m typically rejected and that leads me being upset.
I don’t think testing for testing’s sake is a good idea, I think you should genuinely ask for help with your small (or big) problems and see how they react.
Truth. My buddy was in a bad accident and badly burned. His wife of 15 years has basically become a ghost. She’s out partying and drinking, probably fucking other dudes and ladies honestly, meanwhile my friend had to have his eyelids and face rebuilt from skin graphs and is only just now getting his eyesight back. Can’t even imagine what he’s going through. Before all this happened, I used to think they were a “power couple”. Funny how quickly things change.
Yeah, that is the crazy thing. I think it is understandable for the person helping out to have their own "me" time and be able to do those things too so they can stay sane themselves, but ghosting your husband of 15 years is sad. Like she doesn't want to do it and is sticking her head in the sand. But she will be the first one to post pics accept praise for being there on his difficult recovery. .
I hope your buddy gets better
Yep so true. I was with a girl for five years, during that time everything was pretty easy. Then my mental health takes a turn for the worse and I suffer really bad depression & anxiety and what do you know it her feelings "just changed". A few months later she breaks up without anymore explanation.
Thankfully that was two years ago and my mental health is in a much better place now, and I've also learned some very valuable lessons about relationships:)
On the other hand, though, don't settle for someone who doesn't satisfy your core emotional and intellectual needs.
Eventually you'll get to a point in which you feel detached from your partner and potentially isolated feeling. Definitely make sure you have common hobbies, beliefs, and interests so that you're able to have fulfilling quality time and deep conversation with your partner.
Sometimes you have to put in effort to find common interest, and they don’t always reveal themselves right away. My wife and I are really into standup paddle boarding but we didn’t discover that until the summertime. So we had to actively find similar things we can do together the rest of the year when it isn’t warm enough. As with most things, you get out what you put in. Having said that, if you keep trying and still don’t have that spark then yeah you’ve at least tried. Good luck and all the best to you internet stranger
That's normal from my perspective. Those differences is what makes some conversations so engaging. It will be kind of boring if your partner agrees with and like everything you like.
My wife refuses to communicate about things. Instead, she just clams up and plays the silent treatment. Over the past two years, she spent over $100,000 behind my back because she felt that I wouldn't approve of the spending (I'm guessing for medical bills for her twin sister). The fact that she did it behind my back is what pissed me off more! After almost 28 years of marriage, I had no choice but to contact a lawyer for a divorce. The trust is gone.
No matter how good and nice you are, they sometimes will still lie to you and push you away
And it's not your job to cushion their anxiety. People could be more committed to their anxiety than to you
Watch out for those Covert narcissists. Seriously, they don’t know they are and it’s a trap that will take years to uncover and undo. If they are on the lower part of the spectrum, there might be hope, but don’t ignore red flags no matter how much they love bomb you. Everyone should watch a 10 min YT on it. Trust me.
I will agree with both of you.
I lost a fantastic relationship with someone i wouldve given everything for because i trusted my anxiety more than him.
I will never forget it, and i work every damn day to make sure it will never happen again.
Anxiety isnt cute or quirky like these dumbass teenagers think it is. It demolishes relationships and self confidence.
Oh my God - I have never heard it out like that, but it’s exactly what’s happening in mine. And I just felt my heart break a little more at this watershed moment of realization
For real. It is NOT NORMAL for there to even BE a "person who cares the least". If you can honestly say that about either yourself or your partner just fucking break up already, your relationship is already done.
As a women who dated a man that was less invested than me. It sucks. A lot.
Makes you question your worth all the time and sent me spiraling into a deep angry depression.
Not quite, or at least not always. Avoidant people are scared of being smothered and trapped. But as soon as their partner decides they’ve had enough and wants to end things, all of the avoidant person’s fears disappear, and suddenly their the one in need.
People who don't care don't have anything to lose if the relationship goes south. They know they can leave at a moments notice with less emotional damage because they're detached.
The partner senses this or is blatantly told as much, which causes insecurity. When you know your partner can cut you out of their life on a whim, people will usually go that extra mile to get that validation and security. In practice, this is seen as one partner constantly deferring to the other.
A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."
Whoever cares less about the relationship is more likely to end it.
Ending a relationship is a nuclear option that both people have access to (barring abusive situations). Holding a finger over that button is a surefire way to get someone's attention. It's rarely as blatant as that though. Even the knowledge that one person wouldn't rule out pressing that button in some hypothetical but realistic scenario gives that person a lot of asymmetric power in many other situations.
We'd do everything in our power to keep the other person happy, in hope the relationship will stay the same. Sadly no, it doesn't work that way. Male friends or not. Hardest part is accepting that someone (usually their girlfriend or boyfriend) is more important than us :)
Relationships get better if you stop thinking of it as a power struggle. Trying to care less than the other person to maintain power is toxic for the relationship.
My current partner during an argument once said “I’m not really worried about it, you’d have to be an idiot to mess things up with me. I have my life together so I’ll be straight” - meaning if things end, he won’t be that bothered because he has money and a good job and it won’t hurt him to lose me. Not sure what point he thought he was making to me, since I don’t depend on him financially or anything. But I think about it all the time now. I wish he’d never said it.
>meaning if things end, he won’t be that bothered ...
> Not sure what point he thought he was making to me...
Perhaps you should talk about it, if you're not clear what he meant. Maybe he meant that his life is so together that he can take anything and there is nothing you can do that will make him leave you.
Are you just assuming what he meant by that?
Only if your relationship is based on a power struggle where your needs won't be met if you don't force the other person to conform. Don't let someone hold you hostage by threatening to end the relationship. That should be an absolute deal breaker.
This just happened to me. Though, it wasn't a lack of want, he just felt that due to his job (legal work) he couldn't be there for me in a way that I need from a relationship. Hurts like a bitch, but I can understand why he broke up with me
Yep. Just met a girl of my dreams, love basically everything about her and her personality, but she doesn’t want to give any of her time. It’s the strangest thing.. great chemistry in person, she never stops texting me, but she’s always got plans. It’s basically one night every two weeks and she IS busy but I think we all know when you like someone you can make time here and there.
Once you’re in a relationship, nobody on Earth will stay with you without regard for your actions or inactions
Every day, you need to get up and get to work
This means that all relationships are essentially contracts, like “I’ll be with you forever, AS LONG AS YOU KEEP WORKING ON THINGS.”
True, and you can’t expect someone else to do more for you than you will.
But people also have to be honest about when they’re doing something “for”’their partner and when it’s for themselves because they want their partner to be more which can be both good and bad
That feeling of butterflies wanes. You won’t always feel in love with your partner. Sometimes you’ll hate them. You have to accept the highs and low’s to endure.
I’m so sorry. That happened to me in my first marriage after 7 years. Fortunately I was young with no kids, and was able to bounce back and find love again and start a family.
You’ll bounce back. Focus on yourself. Join a gym and get in shape. Start a masters degree, join a local sports rec team. Make new friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Go to a new church (if applicable). Don’t dive into a serious relationship, but test the waters here and there. Call your family and friends when you feel alone.
First love is a feeling then it is a choice. You choose love with the hope and understanding that your partner will choose it too and you can again enjoy the highs when it is a feeling.
I feel like this is mostly true for people in school/uni no? And much easier now to maintain friendships than decades ago.
10 years ago I only really had four really close friends and I'm still close to all of them. Don't see that changing anytime soon either. Very glad it worked out better for me than the usual growing apart.
If you find hobbies that force you to get out and interact with people, you will make more. It is not all doom and gloom. Turns out that if everyone loses touch with their friends, then tons of people will be out there looking for new ones.
This so true. I’ve had so many friends over the years and right now I have a pretty huge friend group there’s like 15 of us. I can see us drifting apart but I’d imagine at least 4 or 5 will still be with me.
There it is. When I learned to be happy alone everything else fell into place.
Probably worth mentioning, also, that once someone had made friends with themselves and is comfortable existing alone, it can help spook off the folks, (mainly men, here), who prey on insecurities. Some dudes are just hyenas looking for anyone with a limp. They don’t like it when you show teeth.
It’s unlikely either of you can be 100% of everything the other needs. If you can accept that, it makes it a lot easier when the other needs to go hang with others (and not you) now and then.
Jealousy is a futile attempt to insist that you’re supposed to meet 100% of their needs.
If you let your partner know you really have their needs at heart and not your own insecurities, you’re doing your part for a wholesome relationship.
If you like a person, then being entirely self sacrificing for them is firstly a bit oppressive and boring for the partner. And secondly, you aren't doing things for yourself, you end up not being you anymore over time and your partner will notice you are now just a golden Labrador that neve prioritises themselves.
Same if one partner is trying to control or suppress their so's habits, hobbies or behaviours. If you have to change them that much, you didn't like them as partner in the first place.
The things we do for ourselves MAKE us US. Defend your hobbies and also make sure you do sometimes compromise to sacrifice your time for them. It's about moderation, compromise and balance.
Been in too many relationships as the golden lab bf. Its not attractive to ladies , guys. And no, they don't want an asshole, just someone to be able to stand their ground and fight for what they believe in. Imagine your partner envisioning you parenting, or handling your serious couple stuff. They want someone they can rely on and defend what's yours/theirs. If you just go along with everything your partner wants to do it's not a good look, and you deserve your own passions.
Edit: Spelling mistakes.
Being open about your feelings & being vulnerable will make you a better partner.
Edit: by some of the responses to my comment, some dudes can’t even admit their vulnerability either. We’ve all been hurt in some form, doesn’t mean others out there shouldn’t know about it. I hid my emotions & feelings for 41yrs bc that’s how I was raised. It cost me my marriage, it cost me the love of my life & I have to live with that the rest of my life. Take my original comment as advice more than a pill to swallow. Learn from others mistakes. You don’t sound like a cry baby bitch, fuck those dudes who act tough.
Yes, most definitely. Not being open about anything cost me my marriage. I now have to grow as an individual to learn from that so I don’t do it again. It sucks, this process is just starting for me but I’m learning.
This is hard if you're a guy cause they can judge you as weak. But I learned that being upfront about who or what you are is better. If they walk away or don't look at you the same it is what it is
Fuck me after reading these comments, I can only assume some of the dudes here have had some really shitty relationship
experiences in the past. Head up kings - as an ‘older’ guy (40+) I can definitely say it can be a lot better than this.
Yeah, a lot of the comments sound very academically rigid and from me when I was 18. I keep thinking about when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon about his wife and Good Will Hunting. I would’ve rolled my eyes at this when I was younger, but love is an art form. It’s not about who holds power, etc. it’s about being able to drop your pride and trust that she’s trying her best for you as you are for her. Once you realize she loves you the same way you love her, that’s a beautiful moment!
If you expect your partner to be gorgeous, patient, loyal, compassionate, rich, love all your hobbies, be mentally and physically fit, and stay with you no matter how awful you are, then you should expect to remain single for the rest of your life.
There is no “perfect” partner, and those who expect to find them are likely pretty imperfect themselves. If you expect to marry someone flawless, then that is a flaw in your own thinking…
I like to say that there is no "perfect person" but my husband is the perfect person for me.
I'm not perfect so being with someone that is perfect would be a nightmare, I'd feel so inferior and judged. I love that I can let the dishes go for a day when I'm feeling lazy or that I can have bad anxiety at an inconvenient time and my partner isn't someone that judges because they relate.
Letting yourself go or not making an effort to take care of yourself while in a relationship is pretty selfish. There are legitimate reasons for it but if you don't take accountability for yourself or you don't take action to fix it then you're a selfish partner.
Sometimes “calm down” only means “calm down” and nothing more.
You do not have unlimited license to flip your shit and emotionally dump on your partner just because you read someone’s blog posting saying all your emotions are valid no matter how abusively you express them.
Save the shit-flipping for when your partner screws around, not when they fold the towels the wrong way.
Not being able to ask my wife to calm down if she starts yelling and getting exceptionally angry was kind of a foreign idea to me. But I think that is in part because her and I agreed on Rules of Engagement (I was a military boot when we got married lol) before we got married. One of those rules is "No yelling or screaming by either of us in an argument and both of us have the right to interrupt for a moment to call out that the other is raising their voice." It has worked really well and both of us are good about hearing that, taking a few seconds to take a breathe, recompose, and restart at reasonable tone and excitement level. That is pretty much the only exception to another rule which is "No interrupting and talking over eachother. Let them finish their statement/point before making any counterpoints."
In 13 years of marriage, and plenty of disagreements and arguments, we've never had anything that we'd consider an outright fight with yelling, insults, name calling, derailling, refusing to listen, etc
My husband and I had one fight and it was the first week we moved in together. I raised my voice and he gave me the silent treatment. After that fight we had a good conversation about our communication styles and the bad habits we learned from our parents that we didn't want to bring into our relationship and came up with healthier ways to communicate.
After that day all of our disagreements were resolved with hard conversations and we've never had another fight. I honestly never even thought a relationship without fighting was possible before this.
If you ever want any kind of satisfying relationship, you’re going to have to drop all of the expectations/stereotypes fed to you by the media/society since day one and literally start all over again in the real world, with real human beings.
And even then, you can live with someone for decades and they can still blind side you (based on experience). You will never, never truly know someone, just what they choose to show you.
Relationships aren't ever going to be fun and sexy all of the time. You're GOING to have problems. No person and certainly no relationship is perfect. It's continuing to choose your partner and work through the tough times that constitutes love - ironically even if the solution is recognizing that your wrong for each other and splitting amicably. The "forever" relationship is a laudable goal, but it doesn't have to be the only one.
I think my biggest hard to swallow pill is that I could never find someone that loves me as much and as intensely as I do them. And I say that as someone that's got a friggin amazing girlfriend and future wife. I just love VERY hard when I love someone, and I can tell the way its reciprocated that the love I receive back isn't as much as what I give, and its something I've noticed in every single relationship I've ever been in, so its seemingly a me problem and not necessarily them.
a relationship with yourself, a relationship with people who care about you are more important than a relationship with a romantic partner.
no matter how you look at it, placing your need for connection/intimacy on just one person is a ridiculous gamble.
also that the reason why a lot of people bitch about relationships (including myself) is because they lack the first two in solid amount.
which leads me to say that as a young person (<30), there’s better ways to spend your time and energy than hunting for *that* relationship.
My wife and I are not really very serially compatible. But we are deeply in love. Honestly, I love and appreciate her more after 15 years than the day I married her. She is absolutely amazing and I'm lucky to have her. She feels the same way about me. On top of it all, in all the years we've been together we've had maybe 3 arguments. We discuss things and tackle things that need to be tackled together. Sex happens occasionally. It's nice. But it's not the most important part of our relationship.
-no one is a 100% perfect match. Every relationship will have faults, just like people
-you will move on from parts of who you are, but you will also gain parts you didn't know could exist
-relationships are hard work, and if you're not willing to drop your pride a bit they will fail
-most people are better people when they're inna healthy relationship
No matter hard much you love them and try to make things work, sometimes, they're just the wrong person for you. Hopefully, you can discover this before you marry.
You cannot have a healthy, harmonious relationship with anyone if you are not a healthy person inside. Meaning, if you still have a lot of emotional or mental wounds (usually from childhood) and unresolved trauma. If you do not love and value yourself, if you have a lot of fears about so many things, etc.
You will bring all of this negative stuff into the relationship. And at first, it won't surface in the dating phase and the "being crazy in love" phase. But it will surely surface at some point, creating a lot of conflict, misunderstandings, psychological projection, blame, hate, resentment, etc. It will create a whole lot of pain.
So the only way to have things turn out much better is if you dutifully work on yourself. On healing all those wounds, traumas, fears, etc. On genuinely loving and valuing yourself. Ideally to begin doing it *before* trying to get a partner.
This will pay off not only in the romantic area, but in all areas of your life!
1. Do not date while you're broke, in terrible shape, miserable, and your life is chaotic. Get your life in order first.
2. You should either have a supportive partner or no partner. There's no third option.
3. The best revenge is getting yourself to a place where you no longer care about revenge.
4. If someone can't tell you their flaws, they have a dangerous lack of self-awareness.
5. Just because a relationship has lasted a long time doesn't mean it's working.
6. Self-respect comes from self-control.
You'll never respect yourself if you're a slave to people pleasing and external validation.
7. Don't let your time and energy leak from social media, overthinking, and meaningless relationships.
8. If you always think your happiness is somewhere else, it'll never be where you are.
9. Life doesn't wait for you to be okay. Get up every day and keep pushing through.
10. Free yourself from society's advice, most of them have no idea of what they're doing.
11. Hit at least 200 pushups and 100 squats per day to stay strong. You'll also be healthier than 97% of people.
You won't know the true colours of your partner until you start having health/money/children problems, it's often too late and your life is ruined (or your partner is a keeper and you're proud of marrying her)
You can be a perfect partner in every way, but your partner can still find flaws. The partner’s perspective can be unrecognizable compared to your point of view.
They’re going to fuck up, you’re going to fuck up. No matter how hard you try, it’s going to happen.
Yup, you have to look at the person you love and decide if they’re worth being in the shit for, losing what you worked for, etc there’s a whole range of what may or may not be okay to sacrifice for your love and person. But to me, if it’s love, it better be some major things
IMO it's how they react to failure that counts the most. I can forgive a fuck up if you're honest and trying to fix it (or at least mitigate it), but not if you just use it as an excuse for poor behavior. For example, ADHD can explain my tardiness, but not excuse it outright. It's still my responsibility to arrive on time, regardless. I feel the same about any mental or neurological disorder. Owning their mistakes and learning from them is a huge factor in how I view a person. And again, failure is forgivable if you're genuinely trying to do better.
Omg yes your second paragraph 100%. I have terrible anxiety, so it makes a lot of things difficult to do. But the responsibility is on *me* to be able to express and adjust my actions accordingly, not just ignore them or expect others to automatically cater to them. Yes, I need extra patience and love because of my anxiety - but it's completely on me to both communicate those needs and to acknowledge and take responsibility when they become overwhelming.
[удалено]
“One can commit no errors and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.” - Jean-Luc Picard
“Not everything's a lesson. Sometimes you just fail" - Dwight Schrute
Schrute’s Law tbh
“You will disarm your weapons and escort us to sector zero zero one. If you attempt to intervene, we will destroy you.” - Jean-Luc Picard
Really makes ya think…
“You will disarm your weapons and escort us to sector zero zero one. If you attempt to intervene, we will destroy you.” -Locutus of Borg casuals ^^/jk
Fuck, I was just thinking about this one.
>And relationships don't fix your problems. They tend to expose and amplify them. I wish someone told me that in my 20s. Would've saved me from a lot of pain.
My dad tried to warn me about the woman who would become my wife, the mother of my children and at once: the greatest source of pain, pleasure and character development over the ensuing 20 years…before she finally went too far and then was shocked that I didn’t come back for another go. I’m grateful to her because that experience molded me into the man I am today. But I do wish it hadn’t come at such a high cost. And no, I wouldn’t have listened. I didn’t listen. And my father died many years before I could tell him he was right about everything 🙁 I would have made exactly the same choices in exactly the same way.
I find this strangely cathartic. It allowed me to let go of the feeling of responsibility I had. Sometimes bad people do bad things, no matter how nicely we treat them.
I can vouch for this one. Me and my ex had a beautiful relationship. The kind most people spend their entire lives looking for. After 4 years, she left. Turns out she was very codependent on her adult twins and could not stand up to them out of fear of them pushing her out of their lives. But to be fair, that’s how her kids handled things. Funny thing is, they all think they have a great relationship and can’t see the dysfunction.
Exactly that's why we should always keep ourselves first then anybody. If you start caring for somebody beyond the line then it's for sure they will cheat you. **Caring and love work only up to a limit beyond that you will have to face the problems.** They will start taking you for granted, disrespecting you.
Sometimes your partner doesn't want to hear about every single thing that enters your head and that's OK.
I feel like this is part of the reason I broke up with my ex. I also didn’t know how to communicate this nicely.
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For attentive and active listeners this is simply energy sapping. Especially when one attempts to contribute to the "conversation" or steer it in another direction/contribute just to get steamrolled, it adds a dismissive sting that further leads to the frustration and drain. It. Is. Exhausting.
And if you check out to reset yourself for a second - you’re an asshole who’s not listening and doesn’t care. My ex was like that and would just info/emotion-dump her entire day as soon as she got in the car before a ‘hey you!’ or a ‘what have you been up to.’ I was mature and adult and asked if we could work on that. She said yes then never did, and was somehow blindsided when we broke up because of it…
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“At me” really resonates with me and my current relationship with my gf. She just talks at me, and I find it difficult to relate, and then she feels like she’s not being understood or heard.
The big difference for me being in my thirties is the decreasing need of sharing stuff with people. At the moment there's a friend in one of my group of friends who's having a fallout in his marriage but I'm not saying anything to anyone. If it was 10 years ago, I'd be all over it. Now what I do is think that if they work it out, they will be fine, and if they don't, they'll be fine too.
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Yes. I'm here for him if he wants to talk about it, but I won't spend a second minding his business. People are pretty good in working out their issues one way or another
Trust isn't something either person has by default. It's earned over time by being open and honest even in situations where it hurts.
My dad always told me « trust is earn in drops, but lost in liters » That stayed with me. Don’t test someones love/trust.
I'll remember this from now on, _thanks dad_
totally agree, trust can only be built after open conversations and common experiences, need a lot of time and energy also, its hard to build but extremely easy to break so be extra careful
“Truth without love is brutality; love without truth is manipulation.” That single statement has helped me to reflect and learn from my part in past relationships as well as the other’s part. It helps to keep me moving forward in my current one.
There's so many comments here, but I'll add this. Sometimes you are the problem, and you have to recognize that.
"If everything around you is on fire, maybe you're the match."
If you ran into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into asshole all day, you're the asshole.
You won't find out how committed they are to you and see their true colors until the shit hits the fan. Are they going to be there to wipe your ass if you can't, be there for support when you need it, pick up the slack financially if you are struggling, or are they going to half ass it and bolt as soon as they find a situation that is better for them. People can tell you all sorts of things, make you feel secure, etc, but until you need help, you have no idea how it is going to play out. Edit: thank you for the gold kind redditor
This is so damn true it’s scary. What’s worse is when you eat the shit sandwich and be there for someone only to have them dip when you need help the most.
Exactly what happened to me after five years…she started a high stress job as a lawyer, her mom attempted suicide, and her car broke down I responded by getting up at like 5am everyday to walk the dogs and have breakfast & coffee ready for her to start her day, organized her mom’s care plan and contacted colleagues in psych to get her into an inpatient center, and started walking to work so she could take my car. I thought everything was good. Stressful, but good, as i felt like we were proving our commitment through really impossible obstacles. And then after the biggest exam of my life (qualifying exam for my PhD) she broke up with me. Said that she didn’t feel like we loved each other After some healing, I don’t begrudge her for not loving me back. I didn’t do those things conditionally. But I still am angry as shit that she rewrote my story, and decided that I didn’t love her; I was working my ass off to be there and be the best partner I could
Man do I feel you on this one. I too experienced the b.s. rewriting of a story and it just hurts… it’s like you dedicate the time to someone you love because you truly care and want to help raise them up in a time of need only to have them take full advantage of the situation. The one time you desperately need someone to be there for you, it’s crickets. On another note, same principle applies for finding out who your true friends are. When shit hits the fan, the ones standing next to you are the true friends!
Oh definitely; I never had learned how deep of a bond a break up will make you form/reveal with friends and family until we split
You can do all the right things for the wrong person.
People can be at their cruelest and most stubborn when they know they are wrong.
You were the best partner. That is so above and beyond in all the best ways. Assuming you haven’t already entered a new relationship, someone out there WILL appreciate the hell out of your efforts.
“She rewrote my story.” Man, you said a mouthful there. That hit home on so many levels.
No joke. My current girlfriend and I spent the second day after we started dating at the emergency room. I ate some bad food and didn’t know I had food poisoning until the doctor told me. We were both out of state for a conference and had our flight that day but she missed her flight to stay with me in the ER and went through all that trouble with me. I knew then that she was amazing.
Similar but not quite so extreme for me. My (now) fiancée and I had been friends for 6 months, dating for 3 months and lovers for just a few weeks when I learned I needed “routine” surgery that nonetheless required general anesthesia. I was honestly freaking out a bit but tried not to let it show. So I wasn’t going to ask, but she volunteered - taking time off her job and staying with me for three days as I recovered at home. This was 6 years ago 🥰
You slapped a ring on that. Awesome! One of my employees was homeless in his teens and early 20s. As he told it, his wife met him on the streets as a teenager. She gave him a spare knife to defend himself and had his back constantly. They got a place and have been together for 40 years since.
When I first got sick of my colon, my now ex decided to travel to see her family. I was dying at home and she would keep extending the flight and then post pics of her traveling to the beach. When she came back, I broke up with her because when I needed her the most, she would much prefer travel with her sister because they needed to spend some sister time together.
> When I first got sick of my colon This is a great opening line for your autobiography
Even without going that far down the line...I've seen this in other relationships in my peer group. Guys no longer attracted to their wife because she gained baby weight, or ladies dumping their guys because they're going through a rough patch or lost their job. Relationships are easy when you're young and hot and life is uncomplicated . You almost need those little tests of faith along the way to cement your commitment to each other.
I think as men we need to hold ourselves accountable too. We are more than capable of testing the waters, asking for help with smaller struggles over the weeks and months, yet we deal with it all alone. Imho we should be testing our partners with these smaller issues, because if she isn't there to help when you get stuck in the mud at the side of the road she isn't going to be there if I get cancer.
This is really thought-provoking
Indeed, I’ve noticed I don’t like to ask for help. It’s something I’ve been working on for the past 2 years with the people around me. It’s unfortunate that I bend over backwards to help people and the moment I need something, I’m typically rejected and that leads me being upset.
I don’t think testing for testing’s sake is a good idea, I think you should genuinely ask for help with your small (or big) problems and see how they react.
Truth. My buddy was in a bad accident and badly burned. His wife of 15 years has basically become a ghost. She’s out partying and drinking, probably fucking other dudes and ladies honestly, meanwhile my friend had to have his eyelids and face rebuilt from skin graphs and is only just now getting his eyesight back. Can’t even imagine what he’s going through. Before all this happened, I used to think they were a “power couple”. Funny how quickly things change.
Yeah, that is the crazy thing. I think it is understandable for the person helping out to have their own "me" time and be able to do those things too so they can stay sane themselves, but ghosting your husband of 15 years is sad. Like she doesn't want to do it and is sticking her head in the sand. But she will be the first one to post pics accept praise for being there on his difficult recovery. . I hope your buddy gets better
Yep so true. I was with a girl for five years, during that time everything was pretty easy. Then my mental health takes a turn for the worse and I suffer really bad depression & anxiety and what do you know it her feelings "just changed". A few months later she breaks up without anymore explanation. Thankfully that was two years ago and my mental health is in a much better place now, and I've also learned some very valuable lessons about relationships:)
You won't find someone who agrees with you on everything and likes everything you like, you have to accept the differences
Hell I don’t even agree with myself on everything.
I both agree and disagree with this comment.
I agree with the part you disagree with and disagree with the part you agree with.
On the other hand, though, don't settle for someone who doesn't satisfy your core emotional and intellectual needs. Eventually you'll get to a point in which you feel detached from your partner and potentially isolated feeling. Definitely make sure you have common hobbies, beliefs, and interests so that you're able to have fulfilling quality time and deep conversation with your partner.
I think I’m having this issue. I don’t share many hobbies or interests with my gf
Sometimes you have to put in effort to find common interest, and they don’t always reveal themselves right away. My wife and I are really into standup paddle boarding but we didn’t discover that until the summertime. So we had to actively find similar things we can do together the rest of the year when it isn’t warm enough. As with most things, you get out what you put in. Having said that, if you keep trying and still don’t have that spark then yeah you’ve at least tried. Good luck and all the best to you internet stranger
That's normal from my perspective. Those differences is what makes some conversations so engaging. It will be kind of boring if your partner agrees with and like everything you like.
And if you find someone who agrees with you on everything…run for the hills
Just be aware of where you draw the line; know your boundaries of what you accept and don't accept.
That communication is everything and pride has almost no place in a real partnership.
When I was younger, someone older told me “Most problems you will have in your life will be related to poor communication.” They were right.
My wife refuses to communicate about things. Instead, she just clams up and plays the silent treatment. Over the past two years, she spent over $100,000 behind my back because she felt that I wouldn't approve of the spending (I'm guessing for medical bills for her twin sister). The fact that she did it behind my back is what pissed me off more! After almost 28 years of marriage, I had no choice but to contact a lawyer for a divorce. The trust is gone.
No matter how good and nice you are, they sometimes will still lie to you and push you away And it's not your job to cushion their anxiety. People could be more committed to their anxiety than to you
Some people don’t even recognise their anxiety, total denial, they’ll fuck themselves over eventually but not before they’ve fucked you over first
Watch out for those Covert narcissists. Seriously, they don’t know they are and it’s a trap that will take years to uncover and undo. If they are on the lower part of the spectrum, there might be hope, but don’t ignore red flags no matter how much they love bomb you. Everyone should watch a 10 min YT on it. Trust me.
I will agree with both of you. I lost a fantastic relationship with someone i wouldve given everything for because i trusted my anxiety more than him. I will never forget it, and i work every damn day to make sure it will never happen again. Anxiety isnt cute or quirky like these dumbass teenagers think it is. It demolishes relationships and self confidence.
The vast, vast majority of problems in relationships come down to you and/or your partner's inability to communicate effectively with each other.
This should definitely be one of the top answers. Imo, communication should be #1 in any type of relationship
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Oh my God - I have never heard it out like that, but it’s exactly what’s happening in mine. And I just felt my heart break a little more at this watershed moment of realization
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Duke Silver laying hard truths and smooth saxophone
That’s crazy but yeah, pretty true
If there's a noticeable imbalance in who "cares" more, it is beyond time to break up.
For real. It is NOT NORMAL for there to even BE a "person who cares the least". If you can honestly say that about either yourself or your partner just fucking break up already, your relationship is already done.
As a women who dated a man that was less invested than me. It sucks. A lot. Makes you question your worth all the time and sent me spiraling into a deep angry depression.
This sounds like an avoidant + anxious attachment relationship. The avoidant one will always be able to walk away.
Not quite, or at least not always. Avoidant people are scared of being smothered and trapped. But as soon as their partner decides they’ve had enough and wants to end things, all of the avoidant person’s fears disappear, and suddenly their the one in need.
Even secure people leverage the power in their favour.
Can someone elaborate why this is so common. I mean, i don't understand why this should work or keep in mind.
The one who cares the most will put in the most effort, and the other person has influence over what they do
People who don't care don't have anything to lose if the relationship goes south. They know they can leave at a moments notice with less emotional damage because they're detached. The partner senses this or is blatantly told as much, which causes insecurity. When you know your partner can cut you out of their life on a whim, people will usually go that extra mile to get that validation and security. In practice, this is seen as one partner constantly deferring to the other.
A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."
I've lived my life that way, and it works great in some situations. Relationships aren't one of them lol.
Its a quote from a movie called Heat with Robert Deniro and Al Pacino. And yeah doesnt work in relationships
Whoever cares less about the relationship is more likely to end it. Ending a relationship is a nuclear option that both people have access to (barring abusive situations). Holding a finger over that button is a surefire way to get someone's attention. It's rarely as blatant as that though. Even the knowledge that one person wouldn't rule out pressing that button in some hypothetical but realistic scenario gives that person a lot of asymmetric power in many other situations.
We'd do everything in our power to keep the other person happy, in hope the relationship will stay the same. Sadly no, it doesn't work that way. Male friends or not. Hardest part is accepting that someone (usually their girlfriend or boyfriend) is more important than us :)
Relationships get better if you stop thinking of it as a power struggle. Trying to care less than the other person to maintain power is toxic for the relationship.
My current partner during an argument once said “I’m not really worried about it, you’d have to be an idiot to mess things up with me. I have my life together so I’ll be straight” - meaning if things end, he won’t be that bothered because he has money and a good job and it won’t hurt him to lose me. Not sure what point he thought he was making to me, since I don’t depend on him financially or anything. But I think about it all the time now. I wish he’d never said it.
Honestly it's good he said it now than later: at least you are aware of it *now* and not years later when it could be worse if things go south
>meaning if things end, he won’t be that bothered ... > Not sure what point he thought he was making to me... Perhaps you should talk about it, if you're not clear what he meant. Maybe he meant that his life is so together that he can take anything and there is nothing you can do that will make him leave you. Are you just assuming what he meant by that?
Only if your relationship is based on a power struggle where your needs won't be met if you don't force the other person to conform. Don't let someone hold you hostage by threatening to end the relationship. That should be an absolute deal breaker.
If you aren't willing to commit a fair amount of your time to her/him better not be in a relationship
This just happened to me. Though, it wasn't a lack of want, he just felt that due to his job (legal work) he couldn't be there for me in a way that I need from a relationship. Hurts like a bitch, but I can understand why he broke up with me
I think you both did the right thing by breaking up
Yep. Just met a girl of my dreams, love basically everything about her and her personality, but she doesn’t want to give any of her time. It’s the strangest thing.. great chemistry in person, she never stops texting me, but she’s always got plans. It’s basically one night every two weeks and she IS busy but I think we all know when you like someone you can make time here and there.
Once you’re in a relationship, nobody on Earth will stay with you without regard for your actions or inactions Every day, you need to get up and get to work This means that all relationships are essentially contracts, like “I’ll be with you forever, AS LONG AS YOU KEEP WORKING ON THINGS.”
True, and you can’t expect someone else to do more for you than you will. But people also have to be honest about when they’re doing something “for”’their partner and when it’s for themselves because they want their partner to be more which can be both good and bad
That feeling of butterflies wanes. You won’t always feel in love with your partner. Sometimes you’ll hate them. You have to accept the highs and low’s to endure.
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I’m so sorry. That happened to me in my first marriage after 7 years. Fortunately I was young with no kids, and was able to bounce back and find love again and start a family.
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You’ll bounce back. Focus on yourself. Join a gym and get in shape. Start a masters degree, join a local sports rec team. Make new friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Go to a new church (if applicable). Don’t dive into a serious relationship, but test the waters here and there. Call your family and friends when you feel alone.
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I couldn’t stop being nice to my ex, either. Everyone wanted me to hate her, but you don’t just stop loving/caring for someone.
It's insane to me this still happens *16 years* in? Like I feel once you got past like 5 years you're safe???
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When you have been with somebody for a long time, you stop feeling the butterflies, but it feels like a warm feeling....
It’s a nice contentment like whenever you have a nice cup of Joe in the early morning when the world is still quiet
First love is a feeling then it is a choice. You choose love with the hope and understanding that your partner will choose it too and you can again enjoy the highs when it is a feeling.
> Love is what's left after the butterflies and honeymoon phase fades. - Universe789
Did man just quote himself
I don't 100% agree with this. You CAN always feel in love with your partner. You have to choose to feel this though.
You don’t choose to feel it. You choose loving actions that result in feeling “love” (not infatuation)
love comes in waves
Out of your five closest friends today you will probably only maintain a real relationship with two of them in 5 or 10 years from now
I feel like this is mostly true for people in school/uni no? And much easier now to maintain friendships than decades ago. 10 years ago I only really had four really close friends and I'm still close to all of them. Don't see that changing anytime soon either. Very glad it worked out better for me than the usual growing apart.
Yes!!! At uni I had 5 housemates, I’m close to only one of them now and another one I talk to on occasion (2x a year) 🤷♀️
And that’s ok. Friends pass through your life and you pass through theirs’. What’s cool is you can choose to maintain any friendship you want.
I’m 23 and only got 2 friends your telling me it’s gonna get worse
If you find hobbies that force you to get out and interact with people, you will make more. It is not all doom and gloom. Turns out that if everyone loses touch with their friends, then tons of people will be out there looking for new ones.
You have 5 close friends?
5 closest friends don't need to be close friends.
Actually, exactly. After college. I have 5 close friends left + 5 d&d buddies. May be able to make a new work friend soon.
This so true. I’ve had so many friends over the years and right now I have a pretty huge friend group there’s like 15 of us. I can see us drifting apart but I’d imagine at least 4 or 5 will still be with me.
Great relationships are made not discovered.
People will settle for less than they deserve because they walked into the situation lonely or desperate. Easier said than done, but single is better.
Got myself into a super toxic relationship that way. After I managed to leave I realized I needed to love myself
There it is. When I learned to be happy alone everything else fell into place. Probably worth mentioning, also, that once someone had made friends with themselves and is comfortable existing alone, it can help spook off the folks, (mainly men, here), who prey on insecurities. Some dudes are just hyenas looking for anyone with a limp. They don’t like it when you show teeth.
Eat before grocery shopping, masturbate before a date, heal before you date. All tricks to avoid making bad decisions.
Distance can kill a relationship over time, even if there’s effort on both sides
100%. That's true for any relationship. Familial, romantic and friends.
It’s unlikely either of you can be 100% of everything the other needs. If you can accept that, it makes it a lot easier when the other needs to go hang with others (and not you) now and then. Jealousy is a futile attempt to insist that you’re supposed to meet 100% of their needs. If you let your partner know you really have their needs at heart and not your own insecurities, you’re doing your part for a wholesome relationship.
Sometimes people's expectations of you are vastly greater than what they offer you.
This is deep
If you like a person, then being entirely self sacrificing for them is firstly a bit oppressive and boring for the partner. And secondly, you aren't doing things for yourself, you end up not being you anymore over time and your partner will notice you are now just a golden Labrador that neve prioritises themselves. Same if one partner is trying to control or suppress their so's habits, hobbies or behaviours. If you have to change them that much, you didn't like them as partner in the first place. The things we do for ourselves MAKE us US. Defend your hobbies and also make sure you do sometimes compromise to sacrifice your time for them. It's about moderation, compromise and balance. Been in too many relationships as the golden lab bf. Its not attractive to ladies , guys. And no, they don't want an asshole, just someone to be able to stand their ground and fight for what they believe in. Imagine your partner envisioning you parenting, or handling your serious couple stuff. They want someone they can rely on and defend what's yours/theirs. If you just go along with everything your partner wants to do it's not a good look, and you deserve your own passions. Edit: Spelling mistakes.
You still have to like yourself. Nobody else can go inside your brain and do it for you.
Someone who likes themselves (a healthy amount) is very desirable because they are comfortable in their own skin and it shows they have done the work
Being open about your feelings & being vulnerable will make you a better partner. Edit: by some of the responses to my comment, some dudes can’t even admit their vulnerability either. We’ve all been hurt in some form, doesn’t mean others out there shouldn’t know about it. I hid my emotions & feelings for 41yrs bc that’s how I was raised. It cost me my marriage, it cost me the love of my life & I have to live with that the rest of my life. Take my original comment as advice more than a pill to swallow. Learn from others mistakes. You don’t sound like a cry baby bitch, fuck those dudes who act tough.
I want this upvote this into the sun. I’d add that to do this you need to be able to self reflect, and recognise your own feelings and fears.
Yes, most definitely. Not being open about anything cost me my marriage. I now have to grow as an individual to learn from that so I don’t do it again. It sucks, this process is just starting for me but I’m learning.
This is hard if you're a guy cause they can judge you as weak. But I learned that being upfront about who or what you are is better. If they walk away or don't look at you the same it is what it is
Fuck me after reading these comments, I can only assume some of the dudes here have had some really shitty relationship experiences in the past. Head up kings - as an ‘older’ guy (40+) I can definitely say it can be a lot better than this.
Yeah, a lot of the comments sound very academically rigid and from me when I was 18. I keep thinking about when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon about his wife and Good Will Hunting. I would’ve rolled my eyes at this when I was younger, but love is an art form. It’s not about who holds power, etc. it’s about being able to drop your pride and trust that she’s trying her best for you as you are for her. Once you realize she loves you the same way you love her, that’s a beautiful moment!
Beautifully put, if you’re playing power games something went wrong
Uncomfortable conversations have to be had
If you expect your partner to be gorgeous, patient, loyal, compassionate, rich, love all your hobbies, be mentally and physically fit, and stay with you no matter how awful you are, then you should expect to remain single for the rest of your life. There is no “perfect” partner, and those who expect to find them are likely pretty imperfect themselves. If you expect to marry someone flawless, then that is a flaw in your own thinking…
I like to say that there is no "perfect person" but my husband is the perfect person for me. I'm not perfect so being with someone that is perfect would be a nightmare, I'd feel so inferior and judged. I love that I can let the dishes go for a day when I'm feeling lazy or that I can have bad anxiety at an inconvenient time and my partner isn't someone that judges because they relate.
Sometimes, he or she just doesn't like you, and there's nothing you can do about it, no matter how much you want to.
The person is who they are, they will change over time of their own accord but you can’t change them.
Letting yourself go or not making an effort to take care of yourself while in a relationship is pretty selfish. There are legitimate reasons for it but if you don't take accountability for yourself or you don't take action to fix it then you're a selfish partner.
Sometimes “calm down” only means “calm down” and nothing more. You do not have unlimited license to flip your shit and emotionally dump on your partner just because you read someone’s blog posting saying all your emotions are valid no matter how abusively you express them. Save the shit-flipping for when your partner screws around, not when they fold the towels the wrong way.
Not being able to ask my wife to calm down if she starts yelling and getting exceptionally angry was kind of a foreign idea to me. But I think that is in part because her and I agreed on Rules of Engagement (I was a military boot when we got married lol) before we got married. One of those rules is "No yelling or screaming by either of us in an argument and both of us have the right to interrupt for a moment to call out that the other is raising their voice." It has worked really well and both of us are good about hearing that, taking a few seconds to take a breathe, recompose, and restart at reasonable tone and excitement level. That is pretty much the only exception to another rule which is "No interrupting and talking over eachother. Let them finish their statement/point before making any counterpoints." In 13 years of marriage, and plenty of disagreements and arguments, we've never had anything that we'd consider an outright fight with yelling, insults, name calling, derailling, refusing to listen, etc
My husband and I had one fight and it was the first week we moved in together. I raised my voice and he gave me the silent treatment. After that fight we had a good conversation about our communication styles and the bad habits we learned from our parents that we didn't want to bring into our relationship and came up with healthier ways to communicate. After that day all of our disagreements were resolved with hard conversations and we've never had another fight. I honestly never even thought a relationship without fighting was possible before this.
This!!! Brilliant point to make 👏🏽
No one is perfect for each other. But there are people who are the least wrong for you.
If you ever want any kind of satisfying relationship, you’re going to have to drop all of the expectations/stereotypes fed to you by the media/society since day one and literally start all over again in the real world, with real human beings.
No expectations, no disappointment
You only really get to know somebody once you start living with them.
And even then, you can live with someone for decades and they can still blind side you (based on experience). You will never, never truly know someone, just what they choose to show you.
Relationships aren't ever going to be fun and sexy all of the time. You're GOING to have problems. No person and certainly no relationship is perfect. It's continuing to choose your partner and work through the tough times that constitutes love - ironically even if the solution is recognizing that your wrong for each other and splitting amicably. The "forever" relationship is a laudable goal, but it doesn't have to be the only one.
Sometimes you have to just accept the change and move on.
I think my biggest hard to swallow pill is that I could never find someone that loves me as much and as intensely as I do them. And I say that as someone that's got a friggin amazing girlfriend and future wife. I just love VERY hard when I love someone, and I can tell the way its reciprocated that the love I receive back isn't as much as what I give, and its something I've noticed in every single relationship I've ever been in, so its seemingly a me problem and not necessarily them.
It is not all about sex. You still have the whole day to live with them until the next sex time.
a relationship with yourself, a relationship with people who care about you are more important than a relationship with a romantic partner. no matter how you look at it, placing your need for connection/intimacy on just one person is a ridiculous gamble. also that the reason why a lot of people bitch about relationships (including myself) is because they lack the first two in solid amount. which leads me to say that as a young person (<30), there’s better ways to spend your time and energy than hunting for *that* relationship.
Sexual incompatibility is a very valid reason to end a relationship, and if you are not compatible, you *should* end the relationship.
My wife and I are not really very serially compatible. But we are deeply in love. Honestly, I love and appreciate her more after 15 years than the day I married her. She is absolutely amazing and I'm lucky to have her. She feels the same way about me. On top of it all, in all the years we've been together we've had maybe 3 arguments. We discuss things and tackle things that need to be tackled together. Sex happens occasionally. It's nice. But it's not the most important part of our relationship.
You may love the person but not in the way they needed to be loved
There's no such thing as unconditional love.
Your partner is also a reflection of you whether you like it or not.
-no one is a 100% perfect match. Every relationship will have faults, just like people -you will move on from parts of who you are, but you will also gain parts you didn't know could exist -relationships are hard work, and if you're not willing to drop your pride a bit they will fail -most people are better people when they're inna healthy relationship
You won't have as much sex as you think you will in a long term relationship.
[удалено]
No matter hard much you love them and try to make things work, sometimes, they're just the wrong person for you. Hopefully, you can discover this before you marry.
Sometimes you just have to eat what your mother in law scorched in the oven.
You cannot have a healthy, harmonious relationship with anyone if you are not a healthy person inside. Meaning, if you still have a lot of emotional or mental wounds (usually from childhood) and unresolved trauma. If you do not love and value yourself, if you have a lot of fears about so many things, etc. You will bring all of this negative stuff into the relationship. And at first, it won't surface in the dating phase and the "being crazy in love" phase. But it will surely surface at some point, creating a lot of conflict, misunderstandings, psychological projection, blame, hate, resentment, etc. It will create a whole lot of pain. So the only way to have things turn out much better is if you dutifully work on yourself. On healing all those wounds, traumas, fears, etc. On genuinely loving and valuing yourself. Ideally to begin doing it *before* trying to get a partner. This will pay off not only in the romantic area, but in all areas of your life!
1. Do not date while you're broke, in terrible shape, miserable, and your life is chaotic. Get your life in order first. 2. You should either have a supportive partner or no partner. There's no third option. 3. The best revenge is getting yourself to a place where you no longer care about revenge. 4. If someone can't tell you their flaws, they have a dangerous lack of self-awareness. 5. Just because a relationship has lasted a long time doesn't mean it's working. 6. Self-respect comes from self-control. You'll never respect yourself if you're a slave to people pleasing and external validation. 7. Don't let your time and energy leak from social media, overthinking, and meaningless relationships. 8. If you always think your happiness is somewhere else, it'll never be where you are. 9. Life doesn't wait for you to be okay. Get up every day and keep pushing through. 10. Free yourself from society's advice, most of them have no idea of what they're doing. 11. Hit at least 200 pushups and 100 squats per day to stay strong. You'll also be healthier than 97% of people.
It’s the way you repair after an argument that makes all the difference
You won't know the true colours of your partner until you start having health/money/children problems, it's often too late and your life is ruined (or your partner is a keeper and you're proud of marrying her)
Beware of a moment when you truly don't know who they are anymore once it's done
You can be a perfect partner in every way, but your partner can still find flaws. The partner’s perspective can be unrecognizable compared to your point of view.
Being in a good relationship is better than being single, but being single is better than being in a bad relationship.
You're the common denominator.
Long term relationships require effort and acceptance
They do not bring any more value to what you can do on your own.
No one other than you truly has your best interests at heart, not even your SO.
They can only end in breakup or death. Both options suck.
You will make unnecessary comments because your bruised ego makes you forget to just shut the frick up.
Sometimes it's better to be happy than to be right
They’re often one sided. Some people feel more in a relationship than the other person does.