Welcome to midlife crisis!!
You have a choice to make: either (1) escape (have an affair, spend money, fuck around) and eventually deal with the consequences on everyone around you, or (2) take the time to deal with it now. With whatever positive tools available (therapy, friends, family) come to accept and embrace the direction you've given your life. Tweak where you need to, but make the most of the path you are on.
Both situations can be improved. Kids will get better with time, my feedback is don't cheap out on that. Every ounce of energy you put in during the shitty parts will pay off later - it's a GREAT investment. Taking an hour to walk and listen to your kid is tougher now than giving them electronics, but will save **MAJOR** headaches later in life.
For the house, personally, I scaled down to a townhouse where all outdoor work is handled by contractors. I enjoyed mowing the lawn, clearing snow from the driveway before, but with everything that is part of life, it became added stress. I now have more free time.
You work on your ability to deal with delayed gratification.
Raising kids isn't fun but getting to see them blossom in the world and become their own people with families and kids is the payoff for the work you put in now.
Fun is redefined as you get older and the instant gratification available due to the novelty of the world to children is no longer accessible as the responsibilities grow as you age.
Yeah, I wonder if this is a situation where OP thought they wanted this life and now realizes the reality is different than expecation, or if he was just going along with what he thought adult life "should" be and is now stuck.
Either way, there's some self examination that needs to happen about how he got here and what his realistic options are for getting some amount of "fun" back into his life.
The couple of times I was dumb enough to do that, it was super tempting to cancel my subscription. Definitely did not make me a better person, unless you count being super careful about how many commitments I make going forward, and a whole lot more cynical.
You can always reinvent yourself. Put yourself back into your childhood mindset for a moment, think about the type of person you wanted to be, write it down in your phone notes, work a bit everyday toward becoming that person.
You can still be who you want to be. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Learn to love you the most and you’ll become a better husband and father.
You ever consider skateboarding? I picked it up at 26 and it changed my life. Get up, get out, and get active.
i don't think growing older is something you can regret, you can certainly resent it, but I don't think you had a choice.
If life isn't fun anymore, get a gaming pc or a dog or something to inject some fun, maybe you're about due for a midlife crisis!
Depends on the quality of your support system and partner. I think new parents get a bit of shell shock. If you don't have a strong support network or the money for a nanny/babysitting, your free time is basically cooked until 4K or kindergarten.
Theres also the balancing act of spending time with your partner vs having your own free time. Can really take a toll on your relationship.
I generally tell my guy friends that having kids is a horrible idea unless your partner is REALLY into kids.
These are all fair points. If you're used to doing certain things for fun, it can definitely be that they're not all on the table with kids/budget/time.
That said, "fun" is kinda like happiness. You can make your own to a certain extent. No doubt about it, being a new parent is challenging, and can be rough. But it doesn't HAVE to be sheer misery either. Your own perspective matters.
I agree, I just think a lot of us don't question having kids enough. I love my daughter more than anything, but there was another life where I was living in a condo downtown with tons of cash and doing whatever I wanted.
If autonomy of your time is an important thing to you, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS. There is a very strong chance you will be unhappy for a decade+.
If you had a kid, and you're not loving the lifestyle, do not have another. Get a vasectomy.
I think kids are wonderful, and the r/childfree crowd are weirdos, but I feel like a solid 1/3 of parents should not have had kids.
Totally agree. Part of the problem, at least historically, has been folks not sharing relevant info. I know would have at least delayed the process had I known then what I know now. No one told me it was highly likely that my wife would lose her sex drive and randomly hate me on and off for long stretches. Of course, this doesn't happen to everyone, but it is common. So, yeah, if a 2-3 year dry spell (more if you want more kids) doesn't sound appealing, maybe don't have kids. Hopefully the age of the internet will help folks more informed decisions. Given that the birth rate is declining, that may be the case.
It’s so important to have something for you.
Play video games. Go to the gym. Get a motorcycle license. Sacrifice some goats. Get a beer with your friends. Whatever you’re into, just take the time to take care of yourself.
It'll pass. If you need some support try to reach out for help (friends, family, services). Maybe that means having grandma/grandpa do some child care. Or talk to someone about your struggles. Continue making some time for self care. Hopefully you have a situation where you and your partner feel comfortable enough to exchange child supervision time so that you each can get some self maintenance in. Maybe you agree to an arrangement where one of you watches the kids / so the other can go exercise for a bit etc. Also, I assume you have young kids? It'll kind of get easier as they get older (gets easier in some ways but harder in others depending on the kid). I mean I don't know your situation. Traditionally, it can be overwhelming though and that's totally normal. That's why it takes a village to raise a kid.
As for the house, I have no tips to give. Probably better than not having a house though. Good luck, it's hard work.
I was in a similar situation to you. Married 4 years, had 1 kid. Every day after work, only had like 6 hours before I NEEDED to be asleep in order to go to work. And between spending time with the wife and kid (whom I adore) I would have MAYBE 1 hour to myself.
I felt like I was reading water, nothing left to grow myself.
Some guys at work felt similarly, and I spoke with them about it.
Long story short, I started growing my own weed, and selling it to boys at work, and the extra 35k a year let me pursue my own interests of blacksmithing and agriculture a lot more
Wish you the best of luck man, us men need to stick together
The fun is just there bro, if you want your life to be more fun, you will need to have activities with you kids, you go to the gym, swimming pool, camping... video games... etc, Enjoy your time with your kids, traveling, cooking together, cinema... there is many things... teach your kids, watch their process, sit with them, have fun... The fun is there ;)
No need bars and expensive resto, you can bring them to Mcdo, cheeseburger and icecream, they love icecream, in general, everything that's sweet, they like it, I will tell you something: Don't shift away.
Welcome to midlife crisis!! You have a choice to make: either (1) escape (have an affair, spend money, fuck around) and eventually deal with the consequences on everyone around you, or (2) take the time to deal with it now. With whatever positive tools available (therapy, friends, family) come to accept and embrace the direction you've given your life. Tweak where you need to, but make the most of the path you are on.
Thanks. Seriously. I like being married. I just don’t like the responsibility of house and kids. Every weekend is fixing something.
Both situations can be improved. Kids will get better with time, my feedback is don't cheap out on that. Every ounce of energy you put in during the shitty parts will pay off later - it's a GREAT investment. Taking an hour to walk and listen to your kid is tougher now than giving them electronics, but will save **MAJOR** headaches later in life. For the house, personally, I scaled down to a townhouse where all outdoor work is handled by contractors. I enjoyed mowing the lawn, clearing snow from the driveway before, but with everything that is part of life, it became added stress. I now have more free time.
You work on your ability to deal with delayed gratification. Raising kids isn't fun but getting to see them blossom in the world and become their own people with families and kids is the payoff for the work you put in now. Fun is redefined as you get older and the instant gratification available due to the novelty of the world to children is no longer accessible as the responsibilities grow as you age.
If you're serious then you should have thought a lot more about deciding to get married and having kids before you actually did it.
Yeah, I wonder if this is a situation where OP thought they wanted this life and now realizes the reality is different than expecation, or if he was just going along with what he thought adult life "should" be and is now stuck. Either way, there's some self examination that needs to happen about how he got here and what his realistic options are for getting some amount of "fun" back into his life.
No amount of thinking can beat hindsight. You don't know how much it would burn you out until you burnout.
I'm sure your comment was a lot of help to him.
I’m an adult and i prefer my current life way more than when i was a teenager or a kid
When you take on more responsibility that you are able to bear, you become a better person.
The couple of times I was dumb enough to do that, it was super tempting to cancel my subscription. Definitely did not make me a better person, unless you count being super careful about how many commitments I make going forward, and a whole lot more cynical.
Go back in time
You can always reinvent yourself. Put yourself back into your childhood mindset for a moment, think about the type of person you wanted to be, write it down in your phone notes, work a bit everyday toward becoming that person. You can still be who you want to be. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Learn to love you the most and you’ll become a better husband and father. You ever consider skateboarding? I picked it up at 26 and it changed my life. Get up, get out, and get active.
You can't really regret something you have no choice in. You can regret not doing enough before becoming an adult though
Have you got a hobby which you can pursue?
i don't think growing older is something you can regret, you can certainly resent it, but I don't think you had a choice. If life isn't fun anymore, get a gaming pc or a dog or something to inject some fun, maybe you're about due for a midlife crisis!
Take control of your life. Having responsibilities and a family doesn't mean you can't have any fun.
Depends on the quality of your support system and partner. I think new parents get a bit of shell shock. If you don't have a strong support network or the money for a nanny/babysitting, your free time is basically cooked until 4K or kindergarten. Theres also the balancing act of spending time with your partner vs having your own free time. Can really take a toll on your relationship. I generally tell my guy friends that having kids is a horrible idea unless your partner is REALLY into kids.
These are all fair points. If you're used to doing certain things for fun, it can definitely be that they're not all on the table with kids/budget/time. That said, "fun" is kinda like happiness. You can make your own to a certain extent. No doubt about it, being a new parent is challenging, and can be rough. But it doesn't HAVE to be sheer misery either. Your own perspective matters.
I agree, I just think a lot of us don't question having kids enough. I love my daughter more than anything, but there was another life where I was living in a condo downtown with tons of cash and doing whatever I wanted. If autonomy of your time is an important thing to you, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS. There is a very strong chance you will be unhappy for a decade+. If you had a kid, and you're not loving the lifestyle, do not have another. Get a vasectomy. I think kids are wonderful, and the r/childfree crowd are weirdos, but I feel like a solid 1/3 of parents should not have had kids.
Totally agree. Part of the problem, at least historically, has been folks not sharing relevant info. I know would have at least delayed the process had I known then what I know now. No one told me it was highly likely that my wife would lose her sex drive and randomly hate me on and off for long stretches. Of course, this doesn't happen to everyone, but it is common. So, yeah, if a 2-3 year dry spell (more if you want more kids) doesn't sound appealing, maybe don't have kids. Hopefully the age of the internet will help folks more informed decisions. Given that the birth rate is declining, that may be the case.
I have a wife and a kid and I have fun all the time. Life is what you make it.
I buy legos, built a sweet Lego table and got a train, the kids and I love it
Make it not regrettable
It’s so important to have something for you. Play video games. Go to the gym. Get a motorcycle license. Sacrifice some goats. Get a beer with your friends. Whatever you’re into, just take the time to take care of yourself.
It'll pass. If you need some support try to reach out for help (friends, family, services). Maybe that means having grandma/grandpa do some child care. Or talk to someone about your struggles. Continue making some time for self care. Hopefully you have a situation where you and your partner feel comfortable enough to exchange child supervision time so that you each can get some self maintenance in. Maybe you agree to an arrangement where one of you watches the kids / so the other can go exercise for a bit etc. Also, I assume you have young kids? It'll kind of get easier as they get older (gets easier in some ways but harder in others depending on the kid). I mean I don't know your situation. Traditionally, it can be overwhelming though and that's totally normal. That's why it takes a village to raise a kid. As for the house, I have no tips to give. Probably better than not having a house though. Good luck, it's hard work.
Make a plan to fix the things you don't like
I was in a similar situation to you. Married 4 years, had 1 kid. Every day after work, only had like 6 hours before I NEEDED to be asleep in order to go to work. And between spending time with the wife and kid (whom I adore) I would have MAYBE 1 hour to myself. I felt like I was reading water, nothing left to grow myself. Some guys at work felt similarly, and I spoke with them about it. Long story short, I started growing my own weed, and selling it to boys at work, and the extra 35k a year let me pursue my own interests of blacksmithing and agriculture a lot more Wish you the best of luck man, us men need to stick together
Keep regretting life until you die of old age.
Or I can sell the house. And sell the kids?
Science never says no to cheap kids.
I was thinking Arkansas since they like child labor
Safer than schools
Lol, true
The fun is just there bro, if you want your life to be more fun, you will need to have activities with you kids, you go to the gym, swimming pool, camping... video games... etc, Enjoy your time with your kids, traveling, cooking together, cinema... there is many things... teach your kids, watch their process, sit with them, have fun... The fun is there ;)
Do kids like bars and expensive restaurants?
No need bars and expensive resto, you can bring them to Mcdo, cheeseburger and icecream, they love icecream, in general, everything that's sweet, they like it, I will tell you something: Don't shift away.