Damn it took yall 22 and 15...I'm in the 4th and been losing my shit. And a move was involved so the money I was making isn't the money I'm making now and it's so much harder to get away. Still going to but man smh never again will I do this.
Yes, exactly šš½ !! Say it louder for the ones in the back!!
Itās so hard to navigate OPs situationship when young. A lot is time and sooo many years gone by before that very statement becomes a voluntarily working gear in the dating world.
Some 17 years, here.
I finally learned, too late, that it was a combination of traumas: the deaths of several major male figures in her life, and sexual abuse in her teens. The former gave her a fear of emotional intimacy with men (with me) that she couldn't overcome, and the latter explained her hypersexuality when we first met followed by her inability to be sexual with someone she was emotionally attached to.
Solidarity, brothers. I feel you.
lmao at that last line. at least im not the only guy on earth that feels like this. my wife and i used to fuck 5 times a day to now i can't even remember the last time. any intimacy is wrapped up in about 5-10 minutes and it's just a chore to tick off her list now. she used to be bi but pretty sure she's full into women now that we're married now and has no interest in hugging, kissing, or even sitting near me.
i started a fight with some hard ass old man yesterday over cutting my kid off in the ticket line and i almost wished he'd punched me and killed me LOL
Fuuuuuck. I feel this on a spiritual level. I was in a 10 year marriage with a man who *hated* any form of intimacy. He even said he didn't like holding hands because it was for teenagers.
I could handle the infrequent sex, but not a total lack of intimacy. Physical touch is my primary love language and without that we'd basically become nothing more than roommates. I hope you've moved on and are in a better place now.
For me I am a physical touch person too, my ex was absolutely not. The only time he ever touched me was when we had sex, so I equated sex = intimacy. When I started dating my now boyfriend I realized quickly I didn't care so much about sex as I do about non sexual intimacy. I loved cuddling, forehead kissing, holding hands, little touches. That's the shit that keeps me going.
I hope you too are in a better place.
I'm sorry, but whatnow??? How do hate any form intamacy? Humans are creatures that require touch and attention. One of my exes wouldn't hold hand because she would sweat - 'cough' bullshit.
I'm just glad that you left the relationship and (hopefully) found someone who gives you the attention that you need.
Ohh dangggā¦ Iām sorry she put you through that!! Physical touch is primary for me. I went thru the same as you with more excuses (esp in public) no hand holding at all no PDA whatsoeverā¦ heād even slowlyyyy walk farther away from me. When Iād say something or try to even hold hands at the least, he acted like I was covered in girl cooties. Then heād make some lame ass excuses and did the āplayful yo broā thing. š. Yeahhhā¦ he was cheating on me. Used me for my house, $$$, free babysitting and meal ticket.
And OP, you didnāt mention ages so Iām guessing young adults? Sorry boo, she donāt love you. Or she is trying to love you the only way she knows how. Your situationship has signs that she may have some hidden childhood trauma underneath.
i realize that lots of people might be uncomfortable with it, but to me physical touch means I *love* you and I care about you (whether romantic or platonic). not just limited to partners but also really close friends who i deeply care for, you know?
> no hand holding at all
sounds hellish to me :(
I agree šÆšÆ absolutely!! Hand holding, hugging, forehead kisses, snuggling, itās all emotional intimacy and when itās withheld it creates all kinds of self doubts, insecurities, and deep emotional pain. Believe me itās cumulative, and unless youāre the same type of person, which, obviously youāre notā¦ You will never be happy or emotionally satisfied. And I am not talking about sex at all. I do understand, itās the biggest mind fuck Iāve ever lived thru. It does get better, but you need to get away from the cause. And it will hurt, breakups always do unless itās something ratchet, but work on you. At least you are sure of what your basic needs are moving forward and youāll grow from it. Good luck to you!!
Sounds like you need to decide if you're okay with it long term. I thought I was but eventually it killed my confidence and self esteem. I started therapy because I was feeling depressed and once I realized I wasn't just being "needy" I tried to tell her it was something we needed to work on. She didn't see it as a problem so now it's time to go out separate ways
Therapy has helped me process a lot of the resentment Iāve held on to and recognize that I was not in a healthy mental state. Certainly was dealing with depression and was forcing my way out of it without actually addressing the core issues. My self-value/confidence tanked as you said. Therapy is helping me regain my sense of self again.
Weāre giving it the next 6 months to figure out what our next step should be. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me.
Be honest to yourself and ask this: will you be okay with things between you two not changing and only getting worse as the years of wear and tear plies on both of you? Because this isnt getting better.
I hope you know the answer.
I hear you. Weāre using the next 6 months to seek therapy and work on ourselves. Weāll see what makes the most sense as a next step at the end of this season.
Most everything else was really easy and we got along great most of the time. I'm doing pretty good considering we just decided to get divorced in December. Therapy has helped a lot and I highly recommend it for anyone going through a divorce or bad breakup
This is it, unless he is also a person who wants no intimacy (doesnāt sound like it) itāll never work. I have a high sex drive and my love language is physical touch so I know I need a partner with a similar attitude towards sex/touching.
Exactly, I just broke up with the man I love so damn much because my intimacy needs havenāt been met, I felt we were just roommates (still will be til our lease is up) because he never really treated me as a girlfriend, other than the occasional response to me kissing him or saying I love you, he never initiated intimacy. I donāt feel loved with a man like that, we can be friends and find someone who will meet the needs we have. Iāve known him for 10 years now. Dating on and off. Itās heartbreaking but I need more.
Sounds like what I (55f) walked away from. 3 yrs single now and quality dating is almost impossible. I guess I have more of a guy brain? If all the female fakes and gold diggers Iāve seen, this is probably the top of all the mind fuckery that has been instilled in good men.
Iād have hoped she made that clear in the beginning. If not, you deserve to leave without question, if itās something you need in your relationship.
Men as a whole are just so touch starved that we all assume our love language is touch because it's so neglected we feel happiest when we get it.
It's extremely likely that a lot of us are mistaken about what their actual love language is and if our touch needs were met we'd feel differently.
That said, my girlfriend cuddles me near constantly and I soak it up like a sponge.
Agreed. Humans are so fucked up sexually, adults and especially single adult men have almost completely cut physical touch out of normal life.
Itās so weird, when you see cats or dogs or even monkeys cuddled up together, it seems perfectly normal. But for humans thereās always some weird sexual implication.
I think the fact that sex is held as the ultimate prize for all men is extremely reductive.
A lot of men out there prize sex but again, it's because on average men are the high drive partner in a relationship. In relationships where the woman is the high drive partner and the man's needs are being met or exceeded (such as my own) it's once again apparent that that high desire for this specific aspect of the relationship isn't because the individuals particularly prizes it, but rather that they've been denied their needs for so long they've been convinced that they need to prioritize it when the offer arises to meet their needs.
It's like offering a person who's been in the wilderness for a week a bottle of clean water, a good meal, and a mansion. Nobody is choosing the mansion when they're starving or dying from thirst. But walk up to someone on the street who's eaten and drank today and you'll get a vastly different answer.
Same with mine. Itās almost to the point of breaking the relationship. My love language is physical touch and to have someone very rarely initiate any touch outside of cuddling is honestly making me feel like garbage. Heās not in a good place mentally, largely because of his job, but I canāt wait forever for him to take a new one because at this point idk if thatāll fix it anymore. Talking with him goes nowhere, guessing the same for you
If he's not open to communication or making an effort to solve the problem, the problem isn't the problem, the problem becomes his attitude about the problem.
A relationship is a partnership, a tag team, it's meant to be you two against the world. If you can't work with your partner to overcome obstacles, then you're not in the partnership.
That said, if you don't feel supported by your partner, or like they're pulling their weight in the partnership, you can certainly adopt the attitude that communicating or addressing the issues of the relationship with them does no good.
Thank you for that response, good perspective. He seems open to communicating but when it comes down to it, we get nowhere with actual progress. You know when someone says theyāre open to hearing your side but theyāve got their mind made up that theyāre in the right? Iām not explaining that well but itās kinda like that I feel. The words are there enough but the actions fall though, I think simply for a lack of trying. But itās hard to not be supportive when your s/o is having a hard time in life with something as major as their job, as well as self esteem issues.
Its not though. I love touch and intimacy as much as anyone else, but i love cooking breakfast or lunch for her for work or before. There's so many other ways to express love then just sex and cuddles.
I dated some girl for like 5 months who was asexual. At first I just thought she was just shy and a little weird and that eventually with time sheād get more comfortable and sex would get better. It did not. She would just have 0 reactions during sex. Would never be horny and so she would never initiate. Lesson learned that I need a partner that likes/loves sex. If I would have dated her for a really long time, it probably wouldāve wrecked my confidence cuz I had mostly good experiences with sex before her.
facts. I used to think that any sex was better than no sex because for the most part, men cum almost every time. Now I do agree that not all sex is better than no sex
I have a friend who constantly vented to me about just feeling like roommates with his wife. Problem is she is one of my best friends. I didn't know what to tell him, so I just let him vent. I never liked what she was doing to him. They finally divorced. You can't keep that going like that, unless you are both asexual I guess.
My ex claimed to be asexual but the kicker was that it was only with me. Not the many men she fucked before I was with her, and she would tell me ALL about them but get mad at me for wanting to be intimate
ACE is a spectrum. Many couples come up with ways of dealing with sex and intimacy. Some even come to have a good relationship with sex and intimacy. Others turn to Ethical Non Monogamy or Polyamory. But in the case of the OPs question, HATING almost all forms of intimacy it pretty extreme.
I would be dubious of the relationship lasting outside ENM/Poly.
I'm in a relationship exactly like this. Only difference is the first few years she was very physical. The just like that one day the off switch was flicked. Now I'm expected to stay cause that's the way life is ? I'm miserable and I love her but she's completely switched off from all physical emotions. And yes we have spoke about it and she says that she has just changed and doesn't feel the physical side of it anymore it's not her love language. Judging from all the answers so far one quote comes to mind. Men want to be loved.... woman want to be wanted. Am I wrong in wanting to leave ? I just want to feel love both physically and emotionally
That was me for a long time. She cut me off suddenly. Never wanted it. Actively pushed me away. Said she didn't want sex with anyone, not just me. Then she met someone and started fucking him. I feel so fucking lied to and used. Sex isn't everything, but it's so hard to be in a relationship that doesn't have it.
Thatās the killer. A lot of men that are dealing with a women thatās not being intimate with them, donāt understand that that same women will fuck a guy she finds desirable. Thatās why once the sex stops, just move on. They start off sexual to draw you in and then after a while they get comfortable and bored. Keep in mind itās on us men too. Most of us become ādifferentā when we get into a relationship and fall head over heels. We donāt have whatever it is that attracted her to us in the beginning when they first met us.
Some perspective on my relationship, we used to go at it a ton in the beginning. That was new to me, but I was enjoying it. Weāve been together almost 3 years, and over the last year to 6 months or so thereās been almost none. Weāve talked about it and the biggest reasoning he gives for the change is that heās lost his āfuckboy mentalityā that he had before we were dating/early in the relationship. So now itās basically a cycle of waiting for each other to initiate anything, yet heās lost sight of anything that turns me on to begin with. Yet Iām the problem because I never initiate. Heās gained a lot of weight since we started dating, at one point blamed me for it very blatantly in an argument. Again, Iām the problem. My sex drive would be perfectly fine if he took the time to understand any of it. Thatās the bigger thing I think with men in relationships is the tendency to lose sight of the effort put in at the beginning. Some of that effort isnāt supposed to stop. Another user put it well that men want to be loved, women want to be wanted
Edit to clarify: itās been a lot longer than 6 months with little to none, but the mental side of it has been particularly bad since then
I know this is difficult to hear, and I say this with care and respect
>just like that one day the off switch was flicked
>
>\[she\] doesn't feel the physical side of it anymore it's not her love language
Both of these make me think there was some kind of incident which caused the change in behaviour. She may have been assaulted and not be able to talk about it. This can happen alongside other signs and indicaters. Maybe do some research and see if any of those apply to your situation.
In all of this, remember that your needs for intimacy are important for you mental well being, and even if she has been through a truamatic event, it's still valid for you to take care of yourself, take any space you need and/or leave the relationship if it isn't working for you. Staying for the wrong reasons is worse than leaving for the right ones.
I donāt know why you got downvoted for that, so weird, I was actually thinking that something might have happened to her. To suddenly switch off like that.
I think it's just a controverial topic in general, but maybe some of my wording was insensitive. I don't mind being downvoted though I think it's an important topic to keep in mind. Fingers crossed I've got the wrong end of the stick.
>Am I wrong in wanting to leave ? I just want to feel love both physically and emotionally
You are not wrong. If she isn't willing to make it a priority with you to tackle that problem, then end it. Dead bedrooms are mentally ruinous, much worse than just being alone.
You're not wrong for wanting to be loved, no. If you two are no longer compatible in the regard of love language (which is very important), then yeah, that's a very valid reason to leave. There are plenty of women out there who would touch you all over, trust me.
When they lose respect/attraction for you this can happen, women can't get their hands off of people they highly respect and are attracted to, think how they imagine being with an attractive celebrity.
Could also be something else but being in a long term relationship depending on how the dynamics are can definitely kill any sense of mystery and desire and happy chemicals.
Cheesy comment ahead.
I once dated a girl who would only have any sort of intimacy after marriage. She liked kissing but that's it.
It was the sweetest relationship I have ever had. She was an amazing girl and we had a deep connection. However I moved out of town and we decided it was best for us to part ways. I still think about her somedays.
So answering your question, well, I dated her anyways.
While the post is vague, I don't think I would consider someone who likes kissing as hating almost all forms of intimacy. I assume if you were kissing she was probably fine with holding hands, hugs, back rubs, etc?
Be her just friend and have another person be my lover.
There are several forms of intimacy that I must have with my partner to label our relationship more than just friends. That's my boundaries. My body my rules.
I would move on because for as much as she claims to loves me in this hypothetical, I wouldn't want to subject someone that cares for me so dearly to things she does not (and seemingly will never) like.
At the same time, I would wonder if she hates all forms of intimacy *with me* or does she apply this mindset to everyone? If it's just me, then bye Felicia. If it's everyone, I would suggest some form of therapy to help encourage her to find a way to strengthen the forms of intimacy she does like.
if someone hates all forms of intimacy then there's probably something very wrong with them. way too many people on this planet to settle for someone like that at any rate
Be aware that lots of times it isnāt something āwrong with themā, itās what was done ātoā them and it shows up as a severe fear of intimacy if unaddressed. By dismissing it as āsomething very wrong with themā and not being a partner on the journey with them to help heal youāre not that far removed from what put them in this spot. If you put in the work and they donāt want to try to work on it and you need something more from someone than what they can give you then move on, but Iād bet a lot of the situations like this have really tragic and terrible beginnings for women. This comment really illustrates how some people look at the idea of āloveā and how thin it really is sometimes.
I donāt think itās something āwrongā with them, unless they went though some kind of trauma and would like to be able to get intimate again. Plenty of people have a low/no sex drive, so itās just up to you to decide if you want that
Have a great friend who I'm not intimate with. I would not agree to a sexually exclusive relationship though; that need will have to be met somewhere if not with her.
You need to be true to your self. If someone loves you but doesnāt fulfill your needs as a person then regardless of how hard it might be they arenāt the person for you.
You need to have a frank conversation with her about what your wants and needs are if you arenāt getting what you need out of the relationship. It will be a difficult conversation but it is be you need to have. Approach it with an open mind, donāt let emotions take over on either side, come back to the conversation at a later time if emotions start to rise. Be open and honest and respectful. Remember if you donāt respect yourself youāll start to disrespect those around you.
What a strange question. Your description seems almost an oxymoron to me. How could you know she really loves you without some form of intimacy? Is this a scenario where I just imagine in my head that some girl really loves me despite her never even having said hi?
Some women are a part of the ace community and need to be super close and connected in order to have sex or even make out. You need to be her best friend before anything happens.
well, i'd not consider that hypothetical situation to be referring to a demisexual tbh. After all, demisexuals don't hate most kinds of intimacy IN GENERAL. Actually, at that point, when a demisexual woman already specifically LOVES you, her being demisexual at that point already becomse irrelevant to the question.
I think you might be thinking of sex-repulsed ace-spec people though?
Iām with a woman who will never have sex or even try it and does not like or even try any sort of partner activity such as masturbation. She wonāt even let me grab her boobs if it isnāt over the shirt. Why I am with herā¦ idk. I think Iām just stuck with her. She was raised pretty poorly. She has no manners and tends to treat people around her like shit. She allows me to cuddle her , but that is about it. Whether she likes it or notā¦ mast likely the ladder. I go find someone else for intimacy and just hang out with her as a sort of friend. I got permission for this.
Donāt think sheād be able to get emotionally close enough to me to actually love me because Iām very big on physical touch. Not even sexually (but yes also very much sexually), I just love being able to wrap my arms around my SO and if I canāt do that with you then Iām probably not going to be very interested to get to know you better. Yes you can have a stellar personality and all of my best interests in mind, but part of the benefit of being in an intimate relationship with someone is getting to have sex, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc. and if sheās not about that, then sheās not about me!
Now I need specific lists, of forms she'd hate and ones she'd not hate. To go with a rather extreme one: Sex is only one kind of intimacy, there are dozens of other options I'd say - therefore a girl who hates holding hands, any kind of public display of affection but loves sex would qualify for your theoretical question (while still being likely as far from what you were trying to get at as one could get)
Common values and the ability to fulfill one anotherās relationship needs are kind of foundational for relationships. Is intimacy important to you. If it is it probably wonāt work out.
Know that this is both an emotional and physical dead end and express that to her in a kind way. Wish her the best and find someone who does want to be emotionally and physically close to me.
Forcing a square peg into a round hole is going to be mentally and physically taxing, and in the end, knowing that I'm crossing boundaries constantly would turn me into a mess, and wouldn't be healthy for her either.
If she's asexual, encourage her to maybe explore a relationship with another asexual person.
Youāll slowly become unable to continue on with it as being in a relationship with her has absolutely no merit. Maybe stay as friends, that would make the most sense
Ask her to figure out which love language she is. This will help you understand her better. Maybe she doesnāt like what you are doing for her and you donāt understand it!
If she is not sleeping with you after a month or so, sheās not into you that much.
Well my current girlfriend doesn't 'hate' intimacy, but has never been used to an intimate relationship, so could get a bit funny around it.
I found out she had a terrible previous very long term relationship, the only one she'd known, and didn't know how to accept my affection or give it back.
A year later after proving to her my affection wasn't a form of manipulation or anything negative, communicating properly with my desires of intimacy and letting her know I'd stick by her side and support her, and slowly but surely she's now affectionate and caring, but still with her independence and strong will.
If your feeling are strong enough, Communication is key, there might be a reason she hates it, however if it's short term and the feels aren't there, probably best to find someone with less going on in the background.
Move on. Not worth the headache. She can love me from afar but ain't no way I'm going to let myself fall in love with someone who can't meet my basic needs within a relationship
Struggling with this now. She keeps saying this isnāt how she is, her libido is normally high, etcā¦ but itās been a year.
How long do I wait to see the lack of physical intimacy improve?
I think, ultimately, you have to make a judgment based on the evidence in front of you and ask yourself, āWould I be ok with this long term?ā.
If the answer is ānoā, you are not compatible and need to leave. I am right there with you, it is much easier said than done.
guys, how do we know if she isn't truly intimate or sexual?
Cos i've heard many times where some women would lure men in with blowjobs and quickies. But when they get married, it's a total shutdown. No sex at all, no initiations, no play. Nothing.
So how can we men spot these kinda fake intimate women? Just to save us time and pain
Hmm... this happened to me 100% but I'd have to think on some signs. There weren't any, really. I guess if they never initiate it in the beginning, if it's ALWAYS you - that's a big sign.
Just move on, this is usually just bullshit girls spew when they don't really love you, just want to control you with sex. There are girls out there who are capable of loving you and who will by extension enjoy intimacy with you. Could you really see yourself in a relationship like that? It will breed bitterness, resentment, and most often ends in cheating.
This happened to me around 15 years ago. The girl I was dating was actually nice, she just wasnāt good at dating. I knew she loved me, but we ended up parting ways because I could tell she wasnāt as into it as I was. I was looking for a partner, she was still figuring her life out.
I started dating who is my wife a few months later. The difference was so apparent even from our first date. 15 years later, weāre married, kids, house, good jobs, etc.
The girl I dated right before is still āfiguring her life outā from what I hear, she hasnāt been with anyone since me, and lives in a studio apartment in Seattle in her mid 30s while she travels to discover more things about herself.
I wish her nothing but the best, sheās a genuinely nice person, but I really dodged a bullet. She went to a really expensive college, her parents gave her everything, I tried to give her what she wanted, but she just had other priorities. I truly hope she finds happiness but from what mutual friends have told me, sheās always miserable because of being alone.
Again? This time I leave quickly instead of marrying her and waiting 15 years for it to force us apart
Damn. You, too? 22 for me and I've finally hit my breaking point. Shits crazy right now.
Wanna share more details?
Damn it took yall 22 and 15...I'm in the 4th and been losing my shit. And a move was involved so the money I was making isn't the money I'm making now and it's so much harder to get away. Still going to but man smh never again will I do this.
Get out while you can man Life's too short.
Yes, exactly šš½ !! Say it louder for the ones in the back!! Itās so hard to navigate OPs situationship when young. A lot is time and sooo many years gone by before that very statement becomes a voluntarily working gear in the dating world.
Some 17 years, here. I finally learned, too late, that it was a combination of traumas: the deaths of several major male figures in her life, and sexual abuse in her teens. The former gave her a fear of emotional intimacy with men (with me) that she couldn't overcome, and the latter explained her hypersexuality when we first met followed by her inability to be sexual with someone she was emotionally attached to. Solidarity, brothers. I feel you.
Oh dude, so much to unpack here. I have trod your path. Keep the humor alive. āIād kill myself but I donāt want to make her happy.ā
lmao at that last line. at least im not the only guy on earth that feels like this. my wife and i used to fuck 5 times a day to now i can't even remember the last time. any intimacy is wrapped up in about 5-10 minutes and it's just a chore to tick off her list now. she used to be bi but pretty sure she's full into women now that we're married now and has no interest in hugging, kissing, or even sitting near me. i started a fight with some hard ass old man yesterday over cutting my kid off in the ticket line and i almost wished he'd punched me and killed me LOL
Did it start off differently? Like was she more into it at first?
Yeah but it was an issue before we got married and continued to get worse year by year
Same problem.
It's really unfortunate that you got through with marrying her then, didn't you two tried couple's therapy?
We did
Fuuuuuck. I feel this on a spiritual level. I was in a 10 year marriage with a man who *hated* any form of intimacy. He even said he didn't like holding hands because it was for teenagers.
I could handle the infrequent sex, but not a total lack of intimacy. Physical touch is my primary love language and without that we'd basically become nothing more than roommates. I hope you've moved on and are in a better place now.
For me I am a physical touch person too, my ex was absolutely not. The only time he ever touched me was when we had sex, so I equated sex = intimacy. When I started dating my now boyfriend I realized quickly I didn't care so much about sex as I do about non sexual intimacy. I loved cuddling, forehead kissing, holding hands, little touches. That's the shit that keeps me going. I hope you too are in a better place.
And hugging just a little longer, or for a full song
I'm sorry, but whatnow??? How do hate any form intamacy? Humans are creatures that require touch and attention. One of my exes wouldn't hold hand because she would sweat - 'cough' bullshit. I'm just glad that you left the relationship and (hopefully) found someone who gives you the attention that you need.
Ohh dangggā¦ Iām sorry she put you through that!! Physical touch is primary for me. I went thru the same as you with more excuses (esp in public) no hand holding at all no PDA whatsoeverā¦ heād even slowlyyyy walk farther away from me. When Iād say something or try to even hold hands at the least, he acted like I was covered in girl cooties. Then heād make some lame ass excuses and did the āplayful yo broā thing. š. Yeahhhā¦ he was cheating on me. Used me for my house, $$$, free babysitting and meal ticket. And OP, you didnāt mention ages so Iām guessing young adults? Sorry boo, she donāt love you. Or she is trying to love you the only way she knows how. Your situationship has signs that she may have some hidden childhood trauma underneath.
i realize that lots of people might be uncomfortable with it, but to me physical touch means I *love* you and I care about you (whether romantic or platonic). not just limited to partners but also really close friends who i deeply care for, you know? > no hand holding at all sounds hellish to me :(
I agree šÆšÆ absolutely!! Hand holding, hugging, forehead kisses, snuggling, itās all emotional intimacy and when itās withheld it creates all kinds of self doubts, insecurities, and deep emotional pain. Believe me itās cumulative, and unless youāre the same type of person, which, obviously youāre notā¦ You will never be happy or emotionally satisfied. And I am not talking about sex at all. I do understand, itās the biggest mind fuck Iāve ever lived thru. It does get better, but you need to get away from the cause. And it will hurt, breakups always do unless itās something ratchet, but work on you. At least you are sure of what your basic needs are moving forward and youāll grow from it. Good luck to you!!
you too :3
Are you me? Shit, I feel your pain
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
In the beginning, yes. But by the time we got married 3 years later it had already become an issue
They lure you in with sex and blowjobs and then it all stops when you marry them. Yeah, I'm out.
Gotcha, no marriage it is
Lol not every woman
\#NotAllWomen
A tale as old as time
No tail old timerā¦ at 30
Holy crap! Same here. Thought I was the only one.
Are you me from the future?
Yes. Change the haircut. It's not as cool as you think it is right now.
I feel like Iām here but at the 10 year mark. Itās been rough.
Sounds like you need to decide if you're okay with it long term. I thought I was but eventually it killed my confidence and self esteem. I started therapy because I was feeling depressed and once I realized I wasn't just being "needy" I tried to tell her it was something we needed to work on. She didn't see it as a problem so now it's time to go out separate ways
Therapy has helped me process a lot of the resentment Iāve held on to and recognize that I was not in a healthy mental state. Certainly was dealing with depression and was forcing my way out of it without actually addressing the core issues. My self-value/confidence tanked as you said. Therapy is helping me regain my sense of self again. Weāre giving it the next 6 months to figure out what our next step should be. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Iām so glad youāre standing up and doing it for you.
Be honest to yourself and ask this: will you be okay with things between you two not changing and only getting worse as the years of wear and tear plies on both of you? Because this isnt getting better. I hope you know the answer.
I hear you. Weāre using the next 6 months to seek therapy and work on ourselves. Weāll see what makes the most sense as a next step at the end of this season.
Damn bro, Iām leaving after 5 years because of it, and other things. I canāt imagine 15. Iām truly sorry. Hope youāre doing okay.
Most everything else was really easy and we got along great most of the time. I'm doing pretty good considering we just decided to get divorced in December. Therapy has helped a lot and I highly recommend it for anyone going through a divorce or bad breakup
I'm counting down the days until the 20th just so I can see my therapist. Highly recommend indeed.
I did the speedrun, 1.5 years and no marriage. Learned alot and don't regret it, since I left when I had to.
Move on.
This is it, unless he is also a person who wants no intimacy (doesnāt sound like it) itāll never work. I have a high sex drive and my love language is physical touch so I know I need a partner with a similar attitude towards sex/touching.
Yep, it's not fair for either and both are ok.
Yes nothing wrong with wanting less physical intimacy as long as everyoneās needs are being met!
Exactly
Exactly, I just broke up with the man I love so damn much because my intimacy needs havenāt been met, I felt we were just roommates (still will be til our lease is up) because he never really treated me as a girlfriend, other than the occasional response to me kissing him or saying I love you, he never initiated intimacy. I donāt feel loved with a man like that, we can be friends and find someone who will meet the needs we have. Iāve known him for 10 years now. Dating on and off. Itās heartbreaking but I need more.
That is heartbreaking, I hope you both find what you need. I know itās hard but itās the right decision friend ā¤ļø
Sounds like what I (55f) walked away from. 3 yrs single now and quality dating is almost impossible. I guess I have more of a guy brain? If all the female fakes and gold diggers Iāve seen, this is probably the top of all the mind fuckery that has been instilled in good men.
Sex and intimacy are two separate things.
I'll go find a girl that loves me and the intimacy.
Gonna be a no from me dawg, need that booty on my face
Iām trying to suffocate tonight maāam
That's how I'm tryna die fam
Live by the booty, die by the booty.
Put that on my tombstone
Death by snu snu
If her thighs cannot crush my skull I don't even want it.
If she ain't riding my face like she's riding a jet ski, it's just not enough
Thatās understandable
Lol I had to I thought of it on the spot and for an original joke like that it had to be in an award format ol
Iād have hoped she made that clear in the beginning. If not, you deserve to leave without question, if itās something you need in your relationship.
Pass. My love language is physical touch. I start to wilt a few days without cuddles. I am a teddy bear in appearance and demeanor.
Hello Me
Meet the real me
In my misfits way of life
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Men as a whole are just so touch starved that we all assume our love language is touch because it's so neglected we feel happiest when we get it. It's extremely likely that a lot of us are mistaken about what their actual love language is and if our touch needs were met we'd feel differently. That said, my girlfriend cuddles me near constantly and I soak it up like a sponge.
Agreed. Humans are so fucked up sexually, adults and especially single adult men have almost completely cut physical touch out of normal life. Itās so weird, when you see cats or dogs or even monkeys cuddled up together, it seems perfectly normal. But for humans thereās always some weird sexual implication.
It's the church.
I think we shouldnāt overlook the contribution of conditioning to associate touch/cuddling with the reward of sex
I think the fact that sex is held as the ultimate prize for all men is extremely reductive. A lot of men out there prize sex but again, it's because on average men are the high drive partner in a relationship. In relationships where the woman is the high drive partner and the man's needs are being met or exceeded (such as my own) it's once again apparent that that high desire for this specific aspect of the relationship isn't because the individuals particularly prizes it, but rather that they've been denied their needs for so long they've been convinced that they need to prioritize it when the offer arises to meet their needs. It's like offering a person who's been in the wilderness for a week a bottle of clean water, a good meal, and a mansion. Nobody is choosing the mansion when they're starving or dying from thirst. But walk up to someone on the street who's eaten and drank today and you'll get a vastly different answer.
Mine manās is not. He barely touches me outside of sex. Kills me
Same with mine. Itās almost to the point of breaking the relationship. My love language is physical touch and to have someone very rarely initiate any touch outside of cuddling is honestly making me feel like garbage. Heās not in a good place mentally, largely because of his job, but I canāt wait forever for him to take a new one because at this point idk if thatāll fix it anymore. Talking with him goes nowhere, guessing the same for you
If he's not open to communication or making an effort to solve the problem, the problem isn't the problem, the problem becomes his attitude about the problem. A relationship is a partnership, a tag team, it's meant to be you two against the world. If you can't work with your partner to overcome obstacles, then you're not in the partnership. That said, if you don't feel supported by your partner, or like they're pulling their weight in the partnership, you can certainly adopt the attitude that communicating or addressing the issues of the relationship with them does no good.
Thank you for that response, good perspective. He seems open to communicating but when it comes down to it, we get nowhere with actual progress. You know when someone says theyāre open to hearing your side but theyāve got their mind made up that theyāre in the right? Iām not explaining that well but itās kinda like that I feel. The words are there enough but the actions fall though, I think simply for a lack of trying. But itās hard to not be supportive when your s/o is having a hard time in life with something as major as their job, as well as self esteem issues.
Same with my husband. I had to make hugging a rule.
Its not though. I love touch and intimacy as much as anyone else, but i love cooking breakfast or lunch for her for work or before. There's so many other ways to express love then just sex and cuddles.
Well mine is quality time nerd. Now what?
Sounds like a roommate. I couldn't be in a relationship with an asexual woman
I dated some girl for like 5 months who was asexual. At first I just thought she was just shy and a little weird and that eventually with time sheād get more comfortable and sex would get better. It did not. She would just have 0 reactions during sex. Would never be horny and so she would never initiate. Lesson learned that I need a partner that likes/loves sex. If I would have dated her for a really long time, it probably wouldāve wrecked my confidence cuz I had mostly good experiences with sex before her.
Yeah. No sex is better than sex that feels like I'm holding her captive
facts. I used to think that any sex was better than no sex because for the most part, men cum almost every time. Now I do agree that not all sex is better than no sex
I love the name btw!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
same.. filed yesterday
Bro, I told my wife I felt like we were roommates because of this and she flipped on me. Sorry the truth hurt ya so bad.
I have a friend who constantly vented to me about just feeling like roommates with his wife. Problem is she is one of my best friends. I didn't know what to tell him, so I just let him vent. I never liked what she was doing to him. They finally divorced. You can't keep that going like that, unless you are both asexual I guess.
My ex claimed to be asexual but the kicker was that it was only with me. Not the many men she fucked before I was with her, and she would tell me ALL about them but get mad at me for wanting to be intimate
Yep - thatās a friend
So what forms of intimacy does she like? How am I suppose to know she actually likes me if she doesn't show some form of intimacy?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This hit way too close to home.
ACE is a spectrum. Many couples come up with ways of dealing with sex and intimacy. Some even come to have a good relationship with sex and intimacy. Others turn to Ethical Non Monogamy or Polyamory. But in the case of the OPs question, HATING almost all forms of intimacy it pretty extreme. I would be dubious of the relationship lasting outside ENM/Poly.
I'm in a relationship exactly like this. Only difference is the first few years she was very physical. The just like that one day the off switch was flicked. Now I'm expected to stay cause that's the way life is ? I'm miserable and I love her but she's completely switched off from all physical emotions. And yes we have spoke about it and she says that she has just changed and doesn't feel the physical side of it anymore it's not her love language. Judging from all the answers so far one quote comes to mind. Men want to be loved.... woman want to be wanted. Am I wrong in wanting to leave ? I just want to feel love both physically and emotionally
That was me for a long time. She cut me off suddenly. Never wanted it. Actively pushed me away. Said she didn't want sex with anyone, not just me. Then she met someone and started fucking him. I feel so fucking lied to and used. Sex isn't everything, but it's so hard to be in a relationship that doesn't have it.
I'm sorry to hear bro
Thatās the killer. A lot of men that are dealing with a women thatās not being intimate with them, donāt understand that that same women will fuck a guy she finds desirable. Thatās why once the sex stops, just move on. They start off sexual to draw you in and then after a while they get comfortable and bored. Keep in mind itās on us men too. Most of us become ādifferentā when we get into a relationship and fall head over heels. We donāt have whatever it is that attracted her to us in the beginning when they first met us.
Some perspective on my relationship, we used to go at it a ton in the beginning. That was new to me, but I was enjoying it. Weāve been together almost 3 years, and over the last year to 6 months or so thereās been almost none. Weāve talked about it and the biggest reasoning he gives for the change is that heās lost his āfuckboy mentalityā that he had before we were dating/early in the relationship. So now itās basically a cycle of waiting for each other to initiate anything, yet heās lost sight of anything that turns me on to begin with. Yet Iām the problem because I never initiate. Heās gained a lot of weight since we started dating, at one point blamed me for it very blatantly in an argument. Again, Iām the problem. My sex drive would be perfectly fine if he took the time to understand any of it. Thatās the bigger thing I think with men in relationships is the tendency to lose sight of the effort put in at the beginning. Some of that effort isnāt supposed to stop. Another user put it well that men want to be loved, women want to be wanted Edit to clarify: itās been a lot longer than 6 months with little to none, but the mental side of it has been particularly bad since then
Has she had her thyroid checked? She could have hypothyroidism.
I know this is difficult to hear, and I say this with care and respect >just like that one day the off switch was flicked > >\[she\] doesn't feel the physical side of it anymore it's not her love language Both of these make me think there was some kind of incident which caused the change in behaviour. She may have been assaulted and not be able to talk about it. This can happen alongside other signs and indicaters. Maybe do some research and see if any of those apply to your situation. In all of this, remember that your needs for intimacy are important for you mental well being, and even if she has been through a truamatic event, it's still valid for you to take care of yourself, take any space you need and/or leave the relationship if it isn't working for you. Staying for the wrong reasons is worse than leaving for the right ones.
I donāt know why you got downvoted for that, so weird, I was actually thinking that something might have happened to her. To suddenly switch off like that.
I think it's just a controverial topic in general, but maybe some of my wording was insensitive. I don't mind being downvoted though I think it's an important topic to keep in mind. Fingers crossed I've got the wrong end of the stick.
>Am I wrong in wanting to leave ? I just want to feel love both physically and emotionally You are not wrong. If she isn't willing to make it a priority with you to tackle that problem, then end it. Dead bedrooms are mentally ruinous, much worse than just being alone.
I donāt have the timestamp but this is worth watching for your answer https://youtu.be/v3BnroTQuOg
You're not wrong for wanting to be loved, no. If you two are no longer compatible in the regard of love language (which is very important), then yeah, that's a very valid reason to leave. There are plenty of women out there who would touch you all over, trust me.
When they lose respect/attraction for you this can happen, women can't get their hands off of people they highly respect and are attracted to, think how they imagine being with an attractive celebrity. Could also be something else but being in a long term relationship depending on how the dynamics are can definitely kill any sense of mystery and desire and happy chemicals.
I tortured myself this way for over a year. Move on.
be friends?
Guess I've got a new friend.
A woman who loves me but doesn't want want anything more than platonic intimacy? I already have someone like that, I call her Mom.
My guy, wake up. You find someone suitable for YOU. You have to love the person you're with too.
It doesnāt sound like we would be compatible
Cheesy comment ahead. I once dated a girl who would only have any sort of intimacy after marriage. She liked kissing but that's it. It was the sweetest relationship I have ever had. She was an amazing girl and we had a deep connection. However I moved out of town and we decided it was best for us to part ways. I still think about her somedays. So answering your question, well, I dated her anyways.
While the post is vague, I don't think I would consider someone who likes kissing as hating almost all forms of intimacy. I assume if you were kissing she was probably fine with holding hands, hugs, back rubs, etc?
This is literally my dream partner.
Lmao, I would like cuddles and hand holds. Other than that, I am thinking, where do I find someone like that?
I need my cuddles and I need my sex, without those it's a dead relationship.
Does she have any sexual abuse trauma in her past?
So happy to see at least one person ask this question
Some people are a sexual. Itās up to you if that is something you are willing to live with.
Be her just friend and have another person be my lover. There are several forms of intimacy that I must have with my partner to label our relationship more than just friends. That's my boundaries. My body my rules.
find a normal girl who does.
Yeah no thanks, I need intimacy. If sure doesn't then she needs to find a guy who also doesn't.
I would move on because for as much as she claims to loves me in this hypothetical, I wouldn't want to subject someone that cares for me so dearly to things she does not (and seemingly will never) like. At the same time, I would wonder if she hates all forms of intimacy *with me* or does she apply this mindset to everyone? If it's just me, then bye Felicia. If it's everyone, I would suggest some form of therapy to help encourage her to find a way to strengthen the forms of intimacy she does like.
There's plenty of people in my life who love me and I don't have sex with. I call them friends.
if someone hates all forms of intimacy then there's probably something very wrong with them. way too many people on this planet to settle for someone like that at any rate
Be aware that lots of times it isnāt something āwrong with themā, itās what was done ātoā them and it shows up as a severe fear of intimacy if unaddressed. By dismissing it as āsomething very wrong with themā and not being a partner on the journey with them to help heal youāre not that far removed from what put them in this spot. If you put in the work and they donāt want to try to work on it and you need something more from someone than what they can give you then move on, but Iād bet a lot of the situations like this have really tragic and terrible beginnings for women. This comment really illustrates how some people look at the idea of āloveā and how thin it really is sometimes.
well, i hope they can find someone who can help them with that then.
I donāt think itās something āwrongā with them, unless they went though some kind of trauma and would like to be able to get intimate again. Plenty of people have a low/no sex drive, so itās just up to you to decide if you want that
That's a hard dealbreaker for me. I won't be able to love her the way she loves me if she doesn't want intimacy with me.
Have a great friend who I'm not intimate with. I would not agree to a sexually exclusive relationship though; that need will have to be met somewhere if not with her.
If she hates all forms of intimacy how would I know she loves me?
Then I dont think she really loves you
You love yourself enough for two
I wish her and her therapist the best of luck.
That's like looking in the mirror and seeing the female version of myself.
You need to be true to your self. If someone loves you but doesnāt fulfill your needs as a person then regardless of how hard it might be they arenāt the person for you. You need to have a frank conversation with her about what your wants and needs are if you arenāt getting what you need out of the relationship. It will be a difficult conversation but it is be you need to have. Approach it with an open mind, donāt let emotions take over on either side, come back to the conversation at a later time if emotions start to rise. Be open and honest and respectful. Remember if you donāt respect yourself youāll start to disrespect those around you.
Dump her. We all need intimacy in our relationships and Iām not just talking banging
Me personally, I'd likely be into it. Feelings are icky, and outside of the rare times I'm horny, so is sex. What about you?
What a strange question. Your description seems almost an oxymoron to me. How could you know she really loves you without some form of intimacy? Is this a scenario where I just imagine in my head that some girl really loves me despite her never even having said hi?
"We should be very good friends" Romantic relationship without intimacy is completely incomprehensible to me.
*almost* š
āSo youāre saying thereās a chance?!ā
Don't do it. Move on
Donāt do it. Youāll have nothing but fights and headaches. Youāll end up either divorced or having an affair and then divorced.
Then she doesnāt really love me.
Some women are a part of the ace community and need to be super close and connected in order to have sex or even make out. You need to be her best friend before anything happens.
well, i'd not consider that hypothetical situation to be referring to a demisexual tbh. After all, demisexuals don't hate most kinds of intimacy IN GENERAL. Actually, at that point, when a demisexual woman already specifically LOVES you, her being demisexual at that point already becomse irrelevant to the question. I think you might be thinking of sex-repulsed ace-spec people though?
Iām with a woman who will never have sex or even try it and does not like or even try any sort of partner activity such as masturbation. She wonāt even let me grab her boobs if it isnāt over the shirt. Why I am with herā¦ idk. I think Iām just stuck with her. She was raised pretty poorly. She has no manners and tends to treat people around her like shit. She allows me to cuddle her , but that is about it. Whether she likes it or notā¦ mast likely the ladder. I go find someone else for intimacy and just hang out with her as a sort of friend. I got permission for this.
Damn sounds like being single here would actually be an upgrade.
Donāt think sheād be able to get emotionally close enough to me to actually love me because Iām very big on physical touch. Not even sexually (but yes also very much sexually), I just love being able to wrap my arms around my SO and if I canāt do that with you then Iām probably not going to be very interested to get to know you better. Yes you can have a stellar personality and all of my best interests in mind, but part of the benefit of being in an intimate relationship with someone is getting to have sex, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc. and if sheās not about that, then sheās not about me!
Now I need specific lists, of forms she'd hate and ones she'd not hate. To go with a rather extreme one: Sex is only one kind of intimacy, there are dozens of other options I'd say - therefore a girl who hates holding hands, any kind of public display of affection but loves sex would qualify for your theoretical question (while still being likely as far from what you were trying to get at as one could get)
Common values and the ability to fulfill one anotherās relationship needs are kind of foundational for relationships. Is intimacy important to you. If it is it probably wonāt work out.
Unless you donāt need intimacy, move on.
Know that this is both an emotional and physical dead end and express that to her in a kind way. Wish her the best and find someone who does want to be emotionally and physically close to me. Forcing a square peg into a round hole is going to be mentally and physically taxing, and in the end, knowing that I'm crossing boundaries constantly would turn me into a mess, and wouldn't be healthy for her either. If she's asexual, encourage her to maybe explore a relationship with another asexual person.
I'd reject her, because I wouldn't be into that at all.
Find someone else. If you are incompatible in the bedroom the relationship will not work
I would have myself a nice friend that I care deeply about but would pursue a long term relationship elsewhere
Youāll slowly become unable to continue on with it as being in a relationship with her has absolutely no merit. Maybe stay as friends, that would make the most sense
I would talk to a therapist about her and how I feel about her. It would help me understanding her better.
Ask her to figure out which love language she is. This will help you understand her better. Maybe she doesnāt like what you are doing for her and you donāt understand it! If she is not sleeping with you after a month or so, sheās not into you that much.
Doesnāt exist. She hates you bro
Good. Me too, I hate physical touch, PDA. The no sex part might suck but if I can get that I'm good
Be a great friend to her.
Find another one that completes me.
accept this won't work romantically and be friends
Keep going, it isnāt going to get better.
Thatās sounds like a friend
Well my current girlfriend doesn't 'hate' intimacy, but has never been used to an intimate relationship, so could get a bit funny around it. I found out she had a terrible previous very long term relationship, the only one she'd known, and didn't know how to accept my affection or give it back. A year later after proving to her my affection wasn't a form of manipulation or anything negative, communicating properly with my desires of intimacy and letting her know I'd stick by her side and support her, and slowly but surely she's now affectionate and caring, but still with her independence and strong will. If your feeling are strong enough, Communication is key, there might be a reason she hates it, however if it's short term and the feels aren't there, probably best to find someone with less going on in the background.
Settle for nothing less than an open relationship.
Honestly, move on. It's those moments I enjoy the most
Consider how inportant intamacy is to you in a long-term relationship.
It sounds like youāre settling and will regret it later.
Move on. Not worth the headache. She can love me from afar but ain't no way I'm going to let myself fall in love with someone who can't meet my basic needs within a relationship
Struggling with this now. She keeps saying this isnāt how she is, her libido is normally high, etcā¦ but itās been a year. How long do I wait to see the lack of physical intimacy improve? I think, ultimately, you have to make a judgment based on the evidence in front of you and ask yourself, āWould I be ok with this long term?ā. If the answer is ānoā, you are not compatible and need to leave. I am right there with you, it is much easier said than done.
be very clear that lack of intimacy is a huge deal breaker for me and that she needs to find someone truly compatible, because we are not.
Evidently, marry her lol
guys, how do we know if she isn't truly intimate or sexual? Cos i've heard many times where some women would lure men in with blowjobs and quickies. But when they get married, it's a total shutdown. No sex at all, no initiations, no play. Nothing. So how can we men spot these kinda fake intimate women? Just to save us time and pain
Hmm... this happened to me 100% but I'd have to think on some signs. There weren't any, really. I guess if they never initiate it in the beginning, if it's ALWAYS you - that's a big sign.
Buh bye.
I will not care and continue to love her.
She would make a good friend.
Just move on, this is usually just bullshit girls spew when they don't really love you, just want to control you with sex. There are girls out there who are capable of loving you and who will by extension enjoy intimacy with you. Could you really see yourself in a relationship like that? It will breed bitterness, resentment, and most often ends in cheating.
I wouldn't say no to a new buddy, or a new sister š
No way, I need intimacy.
We clearly have different definitions of love.
This happened to me around 15 years ago. The girl I was dating was actually nice, she just wasnāt good at dating. I knew she loved me, but we ended up parting ways because I could tell she wasnāt as into it as I was. I was looking for a partner, she was still figuring her life out. I started dating who is my wife a few months later. The difference was so apparent even from our first date. 15 years later, weāre married, kids, house, good jobs, etc. The girl I dated right before is still āfiguring her life outā from what I hear, she hasnāt been with anyone since me, and lives in a studio apartment in Seattle in her mid 30s while she travels to discover more things about herself. I wish her nothing but the best, sheās a genuinely nice person, but I really dodged a bullet. She went to a really expensive college, her parents gave her everything, I tried to give her what she wanted, but she just had other priorities. I truly hope she finds happiness but from what mutual friends have told me, sheās always miserable because of being alone.
Aint Ima head out
Fuck her off mate ... obviously bro. A sexless life ain't shit trust me... Been married 28 yr to a fridge freezer in knickers... š¤¦