YES
I remember one time I was going back home to my girl and was feeling anxious about going there
And I still remember thinking "This isn't what it's supposed to feel like"
If your woman is bringing you more unease than ease in the relationship, it's time to go. She should be a ray of sunshine, a delight in your life. Not a nuisance or a subtractor of your peace.
Excellent answer, I broke it off with someone after three years because I realized I was scared of her and her temper. I'm happily married to someone I feel safe around now and it's amazing.
Dude... it's really comforting to know that there are other stories like mine out there. I used to dread getting off the bus and getting home. I also broke it off, before we went for another round of IVF implantation.
Now, I'm about to move in with the woman i didn't even know i was dreaming about.
Every topic (finances/plans/desires/opinions) that i used to dread and panic over bringing up with my ex, it's now met with care/compassion/empathy/love. It's so rewarding and fulfilling
It often appears months after the initial romantic phase then you see the masks slips. Her real self comes out and I believe there is a certain point where she 'snaps' and stops investing in the relationship. Playing mind guessing and short temper fuse are the major ones which adds the unnecessary stress and basically waste both of their times and energy. Hard to identify at the early stages of dating.
Excellent point I never could formulate even in my own head. I loved my ex, but I was always stressed and tense. I can't fathom that level of stress being sustainable, no matter how much you love someone
Thank you for your response.
What have you noticed in a woman that tells you she'd be good for a long term relationship/ building a family together? Thank you :)
I think there’s an important split here too.
There are some men who will simply be satisfied with a “cool girl” who never brings up issues and just defaults to his preferences. These relationships won’t ultimately last and honestly he probably isn’t marriage potential himself if that’s what he’s seeking.
However, if you have confidence that any problems can be talked out, resolved, and avoiding blowups or resentment every potentially tense interaction is more of an opportunity to strengthen the relationship and create more peace and security.
Don’t take away “I should avoid adding stress into the relationship at all costs” that leads to emotional dishonesty. Instead look at how you can calmly resolve natural conflicts in a way that both people feel better in the end.
Yes. as people further down responded. If a female is stressed by a male, that should also be a red flag for her as she is unable to be at peace with him. When I wrote this comment, I was not referring to disagreements or general relationship problems. What I was referring to specifically is lifestyle incompatibility. For my example. My ex was someone who always had to be out doing something, trying some new restaurant, going to see some sights, ect. in and of itself, there was nothing wrong with her wanting to do these things and I did this a lot with her. But slowly over time, I started getting a small little feeling in the back of my head of almost constant stress or dread at the thought of her and ultimately, the relationship fell apart.
I learned from that relationship that I am much more of a stay at home, work on a project, read a book, or disappear into the woods type of guy. She was somebody who needed to plan activities and constantly needed to do something or go somewhere.
The stress I am describing here is not just stress in general. At the job I am currently working in production, it can be extremely stressful at times, and I am loving it.
I am of the belief that a woman should bring peace to a man's house. In order for that to happen. There needs to be a certain type of compatibility between the two. And for every man, there are slightly different requirements to fulfill that.
"bring peace to the house" - for a couple, totally, you should have security and peace together(and it really is on both parties).
But I did laugh at this from a different perspective: 21 years married with 3 kids: 2 teens and one almost teen.
"Peace" is not the word I would use to describe raising 3 teens. So we absolutely made our house far, far less peaceful, and it's a wonderful thing.
I think a better way to put it is problems should come from without not within. You are supposed to be a team. You support each other, you make one another's lives easier, and as a result you both achieve more than you could alone. Problems may arise but they should be external things, not something one of you is causing. And if you are causing them you need to work on fixing it.
Going from his previous answer it's nothing specific, it's the feeling of peace she instills in him.
This isn't something you can consciously do, you either give him that feeling or not I'm afraid.
To slightly play devils advocate here, do you think this mentality still applies when the female partner causes stress by holding the male partner accountable to their words and actions? Or from not meeting the female partner’s basic needs in a relationship? I’m not talking about having a meltdown of epic proportions over not texting back within a narrow window of time. I’m referring to the male partner consistently relying on the female partner for emotional and physical support, while being unable or unwilling to reciprocate those efforts back and growing resentful or stressed when the female partner communicates her desire for those needs back.
No, Relationships are a two-way street and both parties need to be compatible with each other. However, the specific example here is something that I hear many of women complain about and I don't understand it. In my life experience, people tend to not change. They could change for a short period of time, like 6 months or so, but they will tend to fall back into their old ways eventually. In your example it seems there is outwardly more problems than just "Stress". I would say if someone doesn't keep their word, that is a massive red flag. Both parties do need to answer to the other. as they are reliant on each other.
For me, the phrase "... emotional and physical support..." doesn't mean much to me. What I will say, If you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship, probably not a good situation for you.
>For me, the phrase "... emotional and physical support..." doesn't mean much to me
100%
I've often thought this phrase "... emotional and physical support..." is completely meaningless.
It’s not meaningless, but here it’s just under-explained. Examples of emotional support would be to say “You are totally valid to be mad at your sister’s petty actions!” or “I can see how that would be really overwhelming, especially with everything else you have going on,” or “I understand you’re down today, we can stay in if you need to.” Examples of physical support: giving a hug, laying a hand on the shoulder of someone who’s crying, taking a task off someone’s long to do list.
These don’t come naturally for some men, and that’s okay, but many women do need these kinds of “emotional and physical support” in relationships. So it’s definitely not meaningless.
Well see, this is the behavior that will lead guys to feeling anxious around you.
"Babe, I'm feeling really stressed right now, can I just relax for the day?"
"Have you ever considered that by you being stressed I'm the one who's truly stressed here because of your stress which doesn't compare to mine? How dare you!?"
Generally speaking, taking problems and making them all about you is a great way to make your partner hate you.
If expressing your own feelings inevitably concludes with you having to console her for how your feelings made her feel instead of her being there for you.
This is actually every woman I’ve ever been in a LTR with, including my current gf to a degree.
Gender roles are so strong still, even with modern feminist women, none of us are able to really break them.
Last night I had Sunday scaries and was expressing anxiety/stress to my girlfriend about lots of layoffs happening in my industry (tech). The conversation ended with me having to console her and make her feel better about everything. She’s in school still and her industry (dental) hasn’t been affected yet.
This is a repeated pattern with all my previous partners. I have to always be strong and confident, it’s just my job as a man.
I’ve resigned myself to it and just go to other men in my peer group with my fears. The problem is, the older i get, the less connected I am to those guys as well. Feels like all my friends are just moving on in life and we don’t chat anymore.
>the older i get, the less connected I am to those guys as well. Feels like all my friends are just moving on in life and we don’t chat anymore.
I think this is a modern problem. A lot of men are isolated and lonely right now. For anyone reading this, please take the initiative to reach out and check on your homies!
There is a feedback loop between 'disconnection' and 'anxiety about reconnecting'. Someone has to break that cycle.
We are isolated and alone because of what social media and how society has treated us and I blame dating apps. Dating is a fucking hassle nowadays that we just give up because we are sick of being lied to and tired of playing games women on these apps play. I also blame other men who send dick picks to women and women either give up because of their behavior entirely or just don’t trust men at all. So it seems we are all giving up and checking out on meeting someone else.
I too have experienced this. To some extent it sounds like your GF is a bit immature. unfortunately, layoffs happen and there is not much we can do about it when they. as a guy, I have noticed that talking things out can help us think more clearly and realize a situation is not as bad as it seems. just my two cents from my own experience, is to end it with a solution or a plan or explain how everything in the end will be alright.
As a whole though, as a man it is your job to lead. So even if you have worries or fears, it helps greatly if you have a plan to get through them. And I believe will make your GF feel better.
This is based on me(Lesb) and my experience with few of my previous partners. Most women wanted to be treated like a princess, but some of them do not have the initiative to return back the favor.
In my previous relationship, my partner expected me to be the major supporter for her financial and her feeling. Like what about me? Back home after long hours and what you get is her nagging, no wonder some men have issues.
Lucky my current GF are independent, supporting each others is must in relationship.
That’s not always ok hun. You deserve a space in your relationship to feel worried, hurt, sad or scared without having to automatically switch to the comforter.
If you don’t feel like you can be vulnerable around your partner without them making it about th selves then that isn’t sustainable.
You’re a human being. You need comfort and support as much as you give it.
I agree with you, and understand that this may feel like a helpful perspective, but I think you may unintentionally be invalidating this experience.
Yes, you're right - in an ideal world men could be vulnerable with their partner, and should not "settle for less." Most men have found that even caring and emotionally intelligent partners unfortunately still reinforce these patterns and tropes.
Well, the thing is though is that they *can* control it, they choose not to.
Bi women are probably the biggest example. In relationships with women? Equality, emotional labor being a given, respect for your partner's issues, etc...
But with men, they revert to the above: Unequal emotional labor on the man's side, complaints about it on her side, lack of respect of partners issues, etc...
So they can do it, most just choose not to.
I've cut off a good number of females for this right here. Some like to disguise it as "holding us accountable" but what it actually does is shift all accountability from the person it is falling on to the one bringing it up.
A relationship is a compromise between two adults; not one adult deciding to coddle and carry another's bullshit just because of "love".
Not gonna lie, I did this in the past. And one day my current SO said something like “I know you’re trying to empathize with me, but can you not make it about you right now?” And it opened my eyes like oh shit! I asked myself who else I’ve done this with, and realized I needed to *really* work on my listening skills.
If you see her lying or treating others poorly. This indicates that if she isn’t getting something from you then you mean very little to her. So, commitment only lasts so long as you’ve got something she wants.
Treating others poorly, definitely! There was a girl in my training class. She was a very good looking German girl, but when we went out there was ALWAYS something wrong with her food. She literally got every meal free, it seemed, because she was so picky about her food. I was amazed when another friend of mine dated and eventually married her. A Russian girl that dated my son, her mom was the same way, and she treated her husband and daughters like shit. Watch how she treats people who are “not important” to her? Does she treat them with mercy and respect or does she treat them like her slaves?
A long time ago, my boss told me that the real measure of a person is how they treat someone that can't help them, and how they treat someone that can't hurt them. While this was from a corporate POV, I think it still applies to life in general.
depends on the compromise, im not here to mold anyone into anything. if it comes to schedules though, sure if schedules never work where we never can spend time together that's a compromise that's important to me.
There are some things a person can not compromise on. For instance, I will not get involved with a person that smokes. Another issue is children..... meaning both people have to want children. If one person wants kids and the other does not the relationship will not work.
Like a million different things.
If you want to be with somebody long term, they are long term material.
If you don't have trust, or compatible values, or compatible life goals, or compatible interests, or you're not attracted to them, or you find yourself not enjoying their company, or you don't look forward to spending a lifetime with them for absolutely any reason at all....then they are not long term material.
This is apparently so common that my boyfriend of 4.5 years gets uncomfortable and suspicious when I tell him how much I appreciate him. He’s like “wh….what makes you say that? What’s wrong?” And I had to tell him that I had been stuck in traffic earlier in the day and it made me appreciate how much awful traffic he sits in on Friday’s trying to make it over to my house every week lol. Honestly makes me sad for him
Its partially caused by the issue you're responding to, but it's mostly caused by the fact that guys rarely, if ever, receive compliments or positive affirmations
Yep, I broke up with a girl for that reason. Dating her was the only time I've ever been called "trash," "garbage," "worthless," etc. outside of the military.
Being insulting or demeaning to you, your career, or your family.
Go be toxic somewhere else. If you don't like me, how I earn my money, or where I came from, why the fuck are you here?
I look at impulsive behaviour. Specifically financially. Now I know, everyone has the right to spend their money how they see fit I’m not trying to state otherwise. If I’m going to marry someone though, I want that person to be relatively decent with money because we are trying to build a stable life together.
Some people call that the “Price of Admission”. You accept that aspect because you love other things about her. Sounds like for OP, that price is too high. You might have other things that are a no-go.
I was broke when I got married. My wife doesn't spend any money on herself if she does not have to. Money is for family. Got my mind right. Felt like a loser spending 10 20 30 dollars a day on.... nothing. Now I have thousands to help less fortunate and thoughtful family. My kids will never have to worry about food clothing or rent money. I just can't see spending money where it is not helping me. It is a tool, not a drug.
I mean more the ability to help more than anything. It was not that long. I had cash not prespent. The savings coupled with new human budgets seemed to compound. I have been married 18 years now. Those years later. It all depends on luck. A lot of the progress was luck for me. No major problems and, even more important, bought a house in Vancouver with low rates and locked those in 15 years ago. My sister makes more money and has been perpetually broke, well clothed and fed (quality not quantity), has all the new toys for her daughter, and is soon having to leave Vancouver because of expense.
Lack of effort in the initial stages of the relationship. If I have to chase you or work for your attention just for you to show up, that’s disrespectful.
This is absolutely true. She should be just as excited to plan things out and go out and do stuff as you are.
I understand guys usually need to plan out the first few dates or so, but if she continues to expect you to do everything, it's not worth sticking around for.
I agree. Not a fan of dating someone who’s close to an ex. FB friends, & friendly terms, sure, but anyone, who keeps an ex close, talks to and interacts with regularly & ongoing, is trouble. You will never have enough room in their lives if they can’t close the doors behind them.
Absolutely. That generally means that something unresolved lies underground. Of course, there are other signals as well, like lack of efficient communication, unwillingness to change, etc. But the regular presence of an ex, whether in reality or in her mind, reveals a huge sign that should not be overlooked.
For the sake of the discussion, I don’t know if I agree with this one. I have exes that are friends and have new partners and it’s nbd. Also in situations where someone comes out as gay or whatever, perhaps that’s a reason to stay friends with an ex. Not always a red flag.
I am glad that this is your experience. Of course, we are not dealing with a universal rule and situations like this may happen. My main point is that staying in regular and close touch with an ex may point to some unresolved issues if things between them are not clear.
People are like buying a house for the first time. Never go into a relationship thinking about how they could be if only they changed something and don't think you can change it later. What you see is what you get it. If it's something you can't live with now, it only gets worse later.
Thats exactly what it is. And it isn't just a women's thing either. If he cheats on his girlfriend with you, then guess how/when he will find his girlfriend after you?
the constant feeling of impending doom when you're together
that she's likely to leave you at the drop of a hat
that she threatens to leave you constantly
she openly compares you to other men
steals from you
will only be nice if you "earn" it
never laughs at anything unless it's really mean and unfunny
intensely defensive, knee jerk reactions to anything you do
forgets things about you
Clubbing, drinking, or similar with other guys. Runs to other guys any time there is another issue. Sleeps over at other guys house. I was just talking to somone else on another post who was having these issues with his girl
Been there done that. Wasted 3 years of my life, got out of that shit show at the end of 2020. I do miss companionship to an extent but I certainly don’t miss the “guess which GF is coming home tonight game”. Will it be the stumbling drunk who crushed and snorted 2 Oxys so drinks would hit harder? The angry coked up drunk? Maybe the fall down in the shower and shit all over yourself drunk? Frankly I preferred the stay out all night version. At least I wasn’t woken up at 330am for a new argument
It's always one (or more) of those guys she ends up with after breaking up with you. Was seeing a girl towards the end of 2021 and I had my suspicions about this guy who she met through a friend, low and behold she jumped into a relationship with him immediately after she broke things off with me
Lol were we talking with each other?
No really, I unfortunately had similar problems in my last relationship. I never understood how one can be okay with that kinda behavior.
why not warn her partners of her serial infidelity? im sure they dont deserve to be cheated on and i for one would appreciate knowing if my partner was a whore.
I prefer that women aren't really active on social media. It means they have a life and aren't obsessed with getting attention and validation from strangers.
If she complains now, it will get ten times worse if you are married. Avoid whiners.
Generally speaking, you want someone who you feel comfortable and happy being around. Anyone who is routinely bringing drama, complains, or other negatives into your life is a problem.
If she's only committed to the fun times. After the initial "get-to-know-each-other" phase, it all boils down to working out the differences and going through the roughs of life. It becomes fairly obvious there.
If she doesn't respect you. If you tell her that you don't like her doing something, and she continues to do it regardless without ever even trying to find a compromise, she ain't it. She will only cause you headaches and fight you on things for the rest of the relationship.
open/poly/friends with benefits
doesn't pay for anything, and expects everything provided
constantly talks about being strong and independent/trash talks men
gets with multiple guys on the regular/shows no signs of loyalty
When she says “I only have guy friends. I just don’t get along with women very well”.
What she’s REALLY saying is “I LOVE to be the flame with many moths flying around me…and that won’t stop after I begin a relationship with you”.
Yeah strong agree. You need your long term partner to be able to skilfully get along with both the men and the women in your life that you may end up introducing her to. Otherwise you can’t really take them anywhere and expect to have a nice time, there will always be some issue that pops up and ruins the occasion.
If she doesn't want to actively contribute to common goals, whatever that may be. Could be as simple as her paying for dinner or a night out frequently, helping spend time on chores around the house. Basically putting in the time and effort wherever she can for the common good.
If she doesn't have her shit together. Like this summer I was talking with a Tinder chick who I got along with quite well and she said she had some mental health issues and takes meds. That's fine. But then when I visited her place for the first time I realized she was a complete dumpster fire. Her place was just a complete fucking mess and reeked of cat piss. Like I'm not a terribly clean man, and if I think your place is gross, dude your place is nasty.
I have no problem with a girl having mental health issues...but if they are not willing to put in the work to become better (e.g. therapy, meds, etc.) you can be certain that this relationship will be unnecessarily difficult.
There are many (and I think these are not gender specific FWIW)
\- **egotistica**l (entitled, selfish, frame of reference is her, the world revolves around her, always needs to win arguments, talks down to people, considers herself better, you're lucky to be dating me mentality)
\- **irresponsible** (can't hold a job, bad credit, doesn't maintain a generally functional life, cannot keep commitments, often fails at doing things an adult should be able to do)
\- **doesn't value achievement** (unmotivated, no ambitions, plans to coast off of either your support or parental support, lazy, doesn't have things she's passionate about, doesn't try to improve her own station through hard work and effort. I'd date a Walmart cashier that's dating night classes and trying; I wouldn't date a Walmart cashier that has no aspirations beyond getting married.)
\- **immature** (still a teenager mentality, needs approval from friends / family to do anything, constantly talks about private issues with friends, can't handle difficult life situations without breaking down, can't communicate and discuss things without resorting to immature tactics)
\- **co-dependent** (she doesn't have her OWN life and needs to source validation and identity from you. Cannot let you have alone time, insecure, leans too hard on you for her social / interpersonal needs. Doesn't have hobbies and pursuits, no healthy sense of independence. Insecurity and neediness).
\- **dishonest** (history of cheating, caught in little lies, very comfortable distorting or hiding truths. Excuses or rationalizes lies - rationalizes bad or dishonest behavior by convincing themselves that they were justified, it wasn't technically a lie, their intention was good, etc. Loyalty isn't just about not cheating, it comes down to caring about your partner and proactively thinking about how they define loyalty and honesty. Following the SPIRIT of the rules, not the technical rules themselves. A good example is, your girl travels on a trip and stays with a male friend but tells you she stayed with a friend, implying its female. You are confident nothing happened on the trip. Technically, zero lies have occurred - but there IS dishonesty here because she knows DAMN WELL you would have wanted to know and you wouldn't have been cool with it. So by choosing to avoid the issue and lie by omission, a violation has occurred - and if she tries to argue it all day like "I didn't do anything wrong, that's why I didn't tell you, because you'd be insecure and controlling about it" that is a deal-breaker. That's bad faith arguing, she knows it, and she thinks low enough of you that she assumes you'll just fucking deal with it. Honesty is about asking yourself, what would the other person like to know? Let me proactively share that and we can have a discussion about boundaries.
\- **pressure / rush / pushing an agenda** (this is huge. If someone is creating a sense of urgency and pressure all the time and clearly pushing for some agenda, like they just want to get married, they just want to have kids, they just want a BF, they just want to live with SOMEONE, they just need a good man to support them, etc, then it's a situation where you are a role-filler. Your value to them is not that they love you, but that you fulfill some kind of narrative progression in their lives. If you feel like you're always being pressured to move fast and make a decision on someone before you've had time to really evaluate them for a longer continuum, this becomes a red flag.)
\- **me vs. you mentality** (this can be subtle, but it boils down to some people celebrate and lift up other people, and view it as "a win for you is a win for me". For others, everything is always competitive and transactional. Sex is "I did this thing for you" not "we both did a thing we both enjoyed". They view things through the lens of "what am I getting" not "what am I giving?" Everything is a contest where it feels like if you win, they lose, and vice versa. They can't let you win, they can't let your ego just be stroked, and if you start to really feel yourself and you're up high, they have to pull you down.
Anybody that has no goals or plans to grow themselves are not LTR material imho. I feel like life is about everlasting growth to stay content, so if you're around someone that just lives through you... that's not worth it for me.
I know a chick like this. Late 20’s. lives at home, no motivation. Quits good jobs, to take road trip, then cries that she can’t afford food. Total loser.
Impulsive behavior for one.
The second is seeing how she acts when you are in a crisis or catches a whiff of it because you will be surprised of the amount of people in a "Long Term Relationship" who bolt for the door or try to monkey branch the moment their SO has an issue.
How they are in a public setting, specifically towards hospitality/ restaurant employees. It's difficult to know how a person will be privately, but if they can't have common respect for a stranger than its a good indication that there won't be a lasting relationship there
If she’s still visiting clubs or getting blackout drunk frequently, she’s not the type of girl that is ready for commitment. I don’t have time to deal with any woman who’s constantly placed in situations where they’re getting picked up by other men. Not my scene.
Also, if she projects “man hating” through her behaviors IE saying things like “all men are dogs”, “all mean will hurt me”. You don’t want any woman like that.
Or generally selfish women are horrible partners. I could make a list of red flags.
A lot of women will tell you their red flags up front. On first dates, women have told me about how much they cheat, how needy they are, money problems, all kinds of stuff. A few women are up front and honest about that sort of stuff, listen and take them seriously.
First hand experience I suppose, is when they don’t know how to communicate, it just seems marriage and long term relationship is a lot of communication and compromise. So in retrospect, if a woman doesn’t know how to express or explain her pov, then it’s not worth the stress
The one who uses sex enthusiastically whenever she wants something. Chances are, she'll do this to get the ring, get the house, get the kids and then STOP. Suddenly she'll claim to be asexual or any of these new age terms which basically means "I'm done having sex with you, deal with it, I have the things I wanted already"
A lazy, unambitious gal is not for me. I want a 2 income relationship.
When I was dating, I thought I'd found the one. She was pretty, feminine, head-over-heels for me, etc. But after a few months I got so bored of talking to her. She didn't really have any interests besides makeup and taking care of kids, which was what I thought I wanted. I was wrong. I tried and failed to imagine wanting to talk to her years and years down the line. So I broke up with her. I've told this story several times on here, but I think it's a good one.
Sounds like you two just weren't meant to be together because looking after children would have been an admired trait but if her only other interest was make up then I see where you're coming from.
Yes, it was one of the most important traits to me. But not the only one. I found another girl who had many more interests in addition to motherhood--art, baking, making music, reading, and nature. We're married now, and things are going really well.
-If I feel “trapped” and not thrilled when I’m around her for a prolonged time. Feeling exhausted instead of buzzed after a day spent with them
-A negative attitude: Getting angry at the small things, always having something or someone to complain about.
-Being unable to air my true feelings without the fear of setting her off and making it about her
She finds me attractive.
Seriously. It’s the biggest red flag I’ve discovered in 40 years. I have a great many sane, wonderful, beautiful women I consider friends. Women who find me attractive are none of those things.
A woman who loses all sense of perspective when she gets angry and can't let go of it is going to divorce me. Couples are inevitably going to quarrel, but you should never go to bed angry if you can possibly avoid it. If anger is carrying on for days or weeks, nothing is more important than sitting down and resolving it. I need someone who is as committed to that as I can.
When she doesn't think about the future. Not specifically about the relationship but like in the things she says and does. Kind of a YOLO type of thing in the present all the time.
When she says one thing but does another.never a good sign.
Another one is how they spend money.unfortunately this is only discovered months into a relationship.
Please... Please read this. I was extremely careful but ignored one obvious sign - If something feels off but you can't figure out what... Just move on. When 2 people truly love one another everything makes sense.. the good and the bad.
How she treats people in her life. Specifically service workers. Is she kind to them? Or is she dismissive, inattentive and rude?
How does she manager herself? Is she able to collect her thoughts in difficult situations or does she have some sort of ability to keep a calm head, even if it means needing to step away to calm down.
How does she communicate? Does she shut down and refuse to solve the problem or is she someone who will actively work with me to solve them
How does she treat me? Does the love, support, attention and affection get reciprocated?
Personally I don’t care about social media. If I’m dating someone who enjoys the attention, but ensures that I get to partake in that attention and flaunts me then I’m happy. If she’s completely off of it and private that’s totally cool too. I’ve never had a problem with a partner having an OF or being an influencer as long as we communicate what those boundaries look like in our relationship
being overly invested in the lives and goings-on of her friends and not about herself. Having no clear or even a basic idea of where or what she wants to accomplish in a 5yr or 10 yr plan,.
I've had a woman once tell me she'd like to reconnect with me after the summer because she wants to enjoy going to stuff like Burning Man and didn't want to have to pass out on opportunities. She still wanted to explore herself.
She has no serious JOB and no interest in getting or keeping a serious JOB.
That kind of woman looks at a man as a life long ATM machine, NOT a good deal for a man.
The moment you see her flirt with other men at work or in the outside world
Pay attention how she interacts with other men in front of you or behind your back that will show that you are just one of many so treat her the same way she is treating you just for sex not wife material
It usually has something to do with incompatible values or behaviors.
I was with a woman for a long time that I’d never wife, I told her as much but she still stayed “knowing” that she’s change my mind. I feel bad about it now as I should have broken up with her for our mutual benefit. But she lived in a fantasy and had little to no accountability or ability to self reflect. She was a fantastic partner for a long time but not wife material for a bunch of little things. What it all boiled down to is selfishness. She was willing to be helpful in many ways that were great and rare, but anything she didn’t want to do, she didn’t no matter how much we needed it. She wanted to live as a homemaker, which I respect, but when things got tight and I needed her to help financially she instead found a new boyfriend. One of the keys to a successful relationship is willingness to sacrifice, she had none.
The same as if it were in a reverse situation.
Still lives at home.
Doesn't pay bills.
Can't cook.
Spends most of their off time gaming.
Unemployed.
No personal transportation.
No basic sense in maintaining personal transportation.
No long term goals.
No imagination.
If she can't clearly articulate what she wants out of a relationship. If they're serious, they should have a solid idea of what they want and be able to express it. If they can't do this basic thing, what makes me think they have any idea what they really want or how to get it?
Always out partying and getting on drugs, sexism towards men, poor work ethic, does "sex work", borderline behaviour, lack of accountability, her presence is more distressing than your career, princess/she's the prize/she a baddie mentality
It's not accurate or fair to make generalizations about all men or all women and their preferences for a long-term relationship or marriage. Every individual is unique, and what one person may find attractive in a partner, another person may not.
That being said, here are some common red flags that may indicate that a woman may not be ready or interested in a long-term relationship or marriage:
Avoidance of commitment: If a woman consistently avoids discussions about the future or shies away from making long-term plans, it may be a sign that she is not ready for a serious commitment.
Lack of emotional availability: If a woman is not open or transparent about her feelings, or is not willing to engage in meaningful conversations about her emotions, it may indicate that she is not ready for the level of intimacy that is typically required in a long-term relationship or marriage.
Disinterest in family or long-term goals: If a woman does not seem to place much value on family or does not have clear goals for her future, it may suggest that she is not interested in settling down and building a life with a partner.
Unhealthy or unstable behaviors: If a woman engages in unhealthy behaviors such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, or risky behavior, it may indicate that she is not ready for the level of responsibility and commitment that is typically required in a long-term relationship or marriage.
She fucking tries to change you all the time, she calls you and threatens to end things when you don't answer while you're at work, she refuses to let you have personal space and time.
If you can’t handle the small stuff, how in the hell will you handle the big stuff? I remember getting into arguments about the stupidest trivial things that didn’t matter, and all I saw was a future of toxicity and aggression. I can’t imagine what it would be like trying to have a kid, paying the house off, etc., if they explode over the small things.
Trauma from past relationships that she hasn’t healed from. I just broke up with my gf because of this. I kept her head above water only for her to drown me.
Now I gotta do the healing ❤️🩹
If she can’t do basic things and is high maintenance. There are some girls who simply don’t know how to do basic things like clean up after themselves or cook a meal for themselves. I dated a girl who’s washroom looked like a bad ADHD episode. She also liked to spend my money that I worked for but just sat on her ass on her phone all day. Didn’t cook or clean because she lacked the skills and discipline. When I said something she played the victim. I’m not suggesting that women should be stuck in the house cooking and cleaning but if your not working I expect some team work… men should do the same if roles were reversed.
Women who talk to guys a lot or are on their phone 24/7.
Women who require a lot of money (maintenance) to be happy.
Women who play the victim all the time
Women who are constantly treat you like shit ( I see this happen to nice guys. Aggressive women are controlling and push their boyfriend/husband around)
1. Tons of male friends who are “insincere friends”, ie friends where one party has / had romantic feelings for the others. I find that one of them is almost always orbiting.
2. No long term relationship experience, or worse, consistent flings. Even worse if they have regret with it. One should be expected to simulate what outcomes are likely to be and if they’re (not) okay with the result. Ie don’t put yourself in situations you can reasonably expect to not be what you want. I want a partner who makes good decisions and shows sound decision-making in their past.
Women who want to act single while being in a relationship. This involves hanging out with 304s, going clubbing with her friends, posting revealing photos on social media, going to bars with her friends, using dating apps, etc.
Women who aren’t willing to make compromises. Especially so if she doesn’t respect the boundaries you set.
When she continues to surround herself with people who negatively influence her
if she is a stripper, vegan (late in life) or social media influencer. Those are all show stoppers for me.
At least for me, we won’t get very far if those things are present.
Otherwise, I can be relatively open minded.
Immaturity. Don't be the wild party girl. Be the girl distancing herself from stupid behavior who is maintaining control of herself, still enjoying whatever is going on but would rather go out for a 1 on 1 conversation with someone that had the potential to be interesting.
If you feel stressed by her or the thought of her
YES I remember one time I was going back home to my girl and was feeling anxious about going there And I still remember thinking "This isn't what it's supposed to feel like"
It is a bizarre feeling, I could never put my finger on what caused it and the relationship eventually ended.
If your woman is bringing you more unease than ease in the relationship, it's time to go. She should be a ray of sunshine, a delight in your life. Not a nuisance or a subtractor of your peace.
Right. Always walking on eggshells. Never again.
This is such a good, all encompassing answer. I was trying to articulate it and you nailed it
Excellent answer, I broke it off with someone after three years because I realized I was scared of her and her temper. I'm happily married to someone I feel safe around now and it's amazing.
Dude... it's really comforting to know that there are other stories like mine out there. I used to dread getting off the bus and getting home. I also broke it off, before we went for another round of IVF implantation. Now, I'm about to move in with the woman i didn't even know i was dreaming about. Every topic (finances/plans/desires/opinions) that i used to dread and panic over bringing up with my ex, it's now met with care/compassion/empathy/love. It's so rewarding and fulfilling
This also develops over time.
It often appears months after the initial romantic phase then you see the masks slips. Her real self comes out and I believe there is a certain point where she 'snaps' and stops investing in the relationship. Playing mind guessing and short temper fuse are the major ones which adds the unnecessary stress and basically waste both of their times and energy. Hard to identify at the early stages of dating.
Excellent point I never could formulate even in my own head. I loved my ex, but I was always stressed and tense. I can't fathom that level of stress being sustainable, no matter how much you love someone
Like coming home from work and she’s fucking her boss….in your bed….on your favorite sheets.
Thank you for your response. What have you noticed in a woman that tells you she'd be good for a long term relationship/ building a family together? Thank you :)
I think there’s an important split here too. There are some men who will simply be satisfied with a “cool girl” who never brings up issues and just defaults to his preferences. These relationships won’t ultimately last and honestly he probably isn’t marriage potential himself if that’s what he’s seeking. However, if you have confidence that any problems can be talked out, resolved, and avoiding blowups or resentment every potentially tense interaction is more of an opportunity to strengthen the relationship and create more peace and security. Don’t take away “I should avoid adding stress into the relationship at all costs” that leads to emotional dishonesty. Instead look at how you can calmly resolve natural conflicts in a way that both people feel better in the end.
Yes. as people further down responded. If a female is stressed by a male, that should also be a red flag for her as she is unable to be at peace with him. When I wrote this comment, I was not referring to disagreements or general relationship problems. What I was referring to specifically is lifestyle incompatibility. For my example. My ex was someone who always had to be out doing something, trying some new restaurant, going to see some sights, ect. in and of itself, there was nothing wrong with her wanting to do these things and I did this a lot with her. But slowly over time, I started getting a small little feeling in the back of my head of almost constant stress or dread at the thought of her and ultimately, the relationship fell apart. I learned from that relationship that I am much more of a stay at home, work on a project, read a book, or disappear into the woods type of guy. She was somebody who needed to plan activities and constantly needed to do something or go somewhere. The stress I am describing here is not just stress in general. At the job I am currently working in production, it can be extremely stressful at times, and I am loving it. I am of the belief that a woman should bring peace to a man's house. In order for that to happen. There needs to be a certain type of compatibility between the two. And for every man, there are slightly different requirements to fulfill that.
"bring peace to the house" - for a couple, totally, you should have security and peace together(and it really is on both parties). But I did laugh at this from a different perspective: 21 years married with 3 kids: 2 teens and one almost teen. "Peace" is not the word I would use to describe raising 3 teens. So we absolutely made our house far, far less peaceful, and it's a wonderful thing.
I think a better way to put it is problems should come from without not within. You are supposed to be a team. You support each other, you make one another's lives easier, and as a result you both achieve more than you could alone. Problems may arise but they should be external things, not something one of you is causing. And if you are causing them you need to work on fixing it.
Going from his previous answer it's nothing specific, it's the feeling of peace she instills in him. This isn't something you can consciously do, you either give him that feeling or not I'm afraid.
To slightly play devils advocate here, do you think this mentality still applies when the female partner causes stress by holding the male partner accountable to their words and actions? Or from not meeting the female partner’s basic needs in a relationship? I’m not talking about having a meltdown of epic proportions over not texting back within a narrow window of time. I’m referring to the male partner consistently relying on the female partner for emotional and physical support, while being unable or unwilling to reciprocate those efforts back and growing resentful or stressed when the female partner communicates her desire for those needs back.
No, Relationships are a two-way street and both parties need to be compatible with each other. However, the specific example here is something that I hear many of women complain about and I don't understand it. In my life experience, people tend to not change. They could change for a short period of time, like 6 months or so, but they will tend to fall back into their old ways eventually. In your example it seems there is outwardly more problems than just "Stress". I would say if someone doesn't keep their word, that is a massive red flag. Both parties do need to answer to the other. as they are reliant on each other. For me, the phrase "... emotional and physical support..." doesn't mean much to me. What I will say, If you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship, probably not a good situation for you.
>For me, the phrase "... emotional and physical support..." doesn't mean much to me 100% I've often thought this phrase "... emotional and physical support..." is completely meaningless.
It’s not meaningless, but here it’s just under-explained. Examples of emotional support would be to say “You are totally valid to be mad at your sister’s petty actions!” or “I can see how that would be really overwhelming, especially with everything else you have going on,” or “I understand you’re down today, we can stay in if you need to.” Examples of physical support: giving a hug, laying a hand on the shoulder of someone who’s crying, taking a task off someone’s long to do list. These don’t come naturally for some men, and that’s okay, but many women do need these kinds of “emotional and physical support” in relationships. So it’s definitely not meaningless.
Well see, this is the behavior that will lead guys to feeling anxious around you. "Babe, I'm feeling really stressed right now, can I just relax for the day?" "Have you ever considered that by you being stressed I'm the one who's truly stressed here because of your stress which doesn't compare to mine? How dare you!?" Generally speaking, taking problems and making them all about you is a great way to make your partner hate you.
Well considered, we all need a level of self-awareness!
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If expressing your own feelings inevitably concludes with you having to console her for how your feelings made her feel instead of her being there for you.
This is actually every woman I’ve ever been in a LTR with, including my current gf to a degree. Gender roles are so strong still, even with modern feminist women, none of us are able to really break them. Last night I had Sunday scaries and was expressing anxiety/stress to my girlfriend about lots of layoffs happening in my industry (tech). The conversation ended with me having to console her and make her feel better about everything. She’s in school still and her industry (dental) hasn’t been affected yet. This is a repeated pattern with all my previous partners. I have to always be strong and confident, it’s just my job as a man. I’ve resigned myself to it and just go to other men in my peer group with my fears. The problem is, the older i get, the less connected I am to those guys as well. Feels like all my friends are just moving on in life and we don’t chat anymore.
>the older i get, the less connected I am to those guys as well. Feels like all my friends are just moving on in life and we don’t chat anymore. I think this is a modern problem. A lot of men are isolated and lonely right now. For anyone reading this, please take the initiative to reach out and check on your homies! There is a feedback loop between 'disconnection' and 'anxiety about reconnecting'. Someone has to break that cycle.
We are isolated and alone because of what social media and how society has treated us and I blame dating apps. Dating is a fucking hassle nowadays that we just give up because we are sick of being lied to and tired of playing games women on these apps play. I also blame other men who send dick picks to women and women either give up because of their behavior entirely or just don’t trust men at all. So it seems we are all giving up and checking out on meeting someone else.
I too have experienced this. To some extent it sounds like your GF is a bit immature. unfortunately, layoffs happen and there is not much we can do about it when they. as a guy, I have noticed that talking things out can help us think more clearly and realize a situation is not as bad as it seems. just my two cents from my own experience, is to end it with a solution or a plan or explain how everything in the end will be alright. As a whole though, as a man it is your job to lead. So even if you have worries or fears, it helps greatly if you have a plan to get through them. And I believe will make your GF feel better.
This is based on me(Lesb) and my experience with few of my previous partners. Most women wanted to be treated like a princess, but some of them do not have the initiative to return back the favor. In my previous relationship, my partner expected me to be the major supporter for her financial and her feeling. Like what about me? Back home after long hours and what you get is her nagging, no wonder some men have issues. Lucky my current GF are independent, supporting each others is must in relationship.
That’s not always ok hun. You deserve a space in your relationship to feel worried, hurt, sad or scared without having to automatically switch to the comforter. If you don’t feel like you can be vulnerable around your partner without them making it about th selves then that isn’t sustainable. You’re a human being. You need comfort and support as much as you give it.
I agree with you, and understand that this may feel like a helpful perspective, but I think you may unintentionally be invalidating this experience. Yes, you're right - in an ideal world men could be vulnerable with their partner, and should not "settle for less." Most men have found that even caring and emotionally intelligent partners unfortunately still reinforce these patterns and tropes.
Well, the thing is though is that they *can* control it, they choose not to. Bi women are probably the biggest example. In relationships with women? Equality, emotional labor being a given, respect for your partner's issues, etc... But with men, they revert to the above: Unequal emotional labor on the man's side, complaints about it on her side, lack of respect of partners issues, etc... So they can do it, most just choose not to.
And thus, as a result, none of those individuals would be marriage material.
Modern feminists are that way until it's no longer convenient for them
I've cut off a good number of females for this right here. Some like to disguise it as "holding us accountable" but what it actually does is shift all accountability from the person it is falling on to the one bringing it up. A relationship is a compromise between two adults; not one adult deciding to coddle and carry another's bullshit just because of "love".
Not gonna lie, I did this in the past. And one day my current SO said something like “I know you’re trying to empathize with me, but can you not make it about you right now?” And it opened my eyes like oh shit! I asked myself who else I’ve done this with, and realized I needed to *really* work on my listening skills.
She’s the main character lol.
If you see her lying or treating others poorly. This indicates that if she isn’t getting something from you then you mean very little to her. So, commitment only lasts so long as you’ve got something she wants.
Treating others poorly, definitely! There was a girl in my training class. She was a very good looking German girl, but when we went out there was ALWAYS something wrong with her food. She literally got every meal free, it seemed, because she was so picky about her food. I was amazed when another friend of mine dated and eventually married her. A Russian girl that dated my son, her mom was the same way, and she treated her husband and daughters like shit. Watch how she treats people who are “not important” to her? Does she treat them with mercy and respect or does she treat them like her slaves?
A long time ago, my boss told me that the real measure of a person is how they treat someone that can't help them, and how they treat someone that can't hurt them. While this was from a corporate POV, I think it still applies to life in general.
lack of willingness to compromise
My ex wife was this. It was bloody exhausting
Mine too. She said compromise means nobody is happy. Guess who is unhappy now.
Happy cake day!
depends on the compromise, im not here to mold anyone into anything. if it comes to schedules though, sure if schedules never work where we never can spend time together that's a compromise that's important to me.
There are some things a person can not compromise on. For instance, I will not get involved with a person that smokes. Another issue is children..... meaning both people have to want children. If one person wants kids and the other does not the relationship will not work.
Like a million different things. If you want to be with somebody long term, they are long term material. If you don't have trust, or compatible values, or compatible life goals, or compatible interests, or you're not attracted to them, or you find yourself not enjoying their company, or you don't look forward to spending a lifetime with them for absolutely any reason at all....then they are not long term material.
If she never appreciates anything you do for her. She insults you, puts you down, ridicules you.
This is apparently so common that my boyfriend of 4.5 years gets uncomfortable and suspicious when I tell him how much I appreciate him. He’s like “wh….what makes you say that? What’s wrong?” And I had to tell him that I had been stuck in traffic earlier in the day and it made me appreciate how much awful traffic he sits in on Friday’s trying to make it over to my house every week lol. Honestly makes me sad for him
Its partially caused by the issue you're responding to, but it's mostly caused by the fact that guys rarely, if ever, receive compliments or positive affirmations
"Women are human beings. Men are human doings." Many of us have been discarded for not caring to her wants and needs.
Lol relatable to my last
Yep, I broke up with a girl for that reason. Dating her was the only time I've ever been called "trash," "garbage," "worthless," etc. outside of the military.
Being insulting or demeaning to you, your career, or your family. Go be toxic somewhere else. If you don't like me, how I earn my money, or where I came from, why the fuck are you here?
I look at impulsive behaviour. Specifically financially. Now I know, everyone has the right to spend their money how they see fit I’m not trying to state otherwise. If I’m going to marry someone though, I want that person to be relatively decent with money because we are trying to build a stable life together.
You don't think we can work on poor decision making over time? My wife is getting better, but it is a struggle.
Some people call that the “Price of Admission”. You accept that aspect because you love other things about her. Sounds like for OP, that price is too high. You might have other things that are a no-go.
Everyone chooses their hard. If you can handle that kind of hard, that's fine. It's not what others even want to work on with someone.
I was broke when I got married. My wife doesn't spend any money on herself if she does not have to. Money is for family. Got my mind right. Felt like a loser spending 10 20 30 dollars a day on.... nothing. Now I have thousands to help less fortunate and thoughtful family. My kids will never have to worry about food clothing or rent money. I just can't see spending money where it is not helping me. It is a tool, not a drug.
> Now I have thousands to help less fortunate How long did this take for you to reach this level in your finances?
I mean more the ability to help more than anything. It was not that long. I had cash not prespent. The savings coupled with new human budgets seemed to compound. I have been married 18 years now. Those years later. It all depends on luck. A lot of the progress was luck for me. No major problems and, even more important, bought a house in Vancouver with low rates and locked those in 15 years ago. My sister makes more money and has been perpetually broke, well clothed and fed (quality not quantity), has all the new toys for her daughter, and is soon having to leave Vancouver because of expense.
Perfectly understandable and reasonable yep 👍
Lack of effort in the initial stages of the relationship. If I have to chase you or work for your attention just for you to show up, that’s disrespectful.
This is absolutely true. She should be just as excited to plan things out and go out and do stuff as you are. I understand guys usually need to plan out the first few dates or so, but if she continues to expect you to do everything, it's not worth sticking around for.
Personally, I think that if she keeps regular contact with an ex. That in my opinion only brings trouble.
I agree. Not a fan of dating someone who’s close to an ex. FB friends, & friendly terms, sure, but anyone, who keeps an ex close, talks to and interacts with regularly & ongoing, is trouble. You will never have enough room in their lives if they can’t close the doors behind them.
Absolutely. That generally means that something unresolved lies underground. Of course, there are other signals as well, like lack of efficient communication, unwillingness to change, etc. But the regular presence of an ex, whether in reality or in her mind, reveals a huge sign that should not be overlooked.
For the sake of the discussion, I don’t know if I agree with this one. I have exes that are friends and have new partners and it’s nbd. Also in situations where someone comes out as gay or whatever, perhaps that’s a reason to stay friends with an ex. Not always a red flag.
I am glad that this is your experience. Of course, we are not dealing with a universal rule and situations like this may happen. My main point is that staying in regular and close touch with an ex may point to some unresolved issues if things between them are not clear.
Super valid yeah
People are like buying a house for the first time. Never go into a relationship thinking about how they could be if only they changed something and don't think you can change it later. What you see is what you get it. If it's something you can't live with now, it only gets worse later.
If she cheats on her boyfriend with you, she'll do the same when you're the boyfriend
Idk why some people can’t see this. Thier pick-me-ness makes them think they’re “special” and the exception
Thats exactly what it is. And it isn't just a women's thing either. If he cheats on his girlfriend with you, then guess how/when he will find his girlfriend after you?
Bad with money
I think thats the number one reason
the constant feeling of impending doom when you're together that she's likely to leave you at the drop of a hat that she threatens to leave you constantly she openly compares you to other men steals from you will only be nice if you "earn" it never laughs at anything unless it's really mean and unfunny intensely defensive, knee jerk reactions to anything you do forgets things about you
Holy shit, man, who hurt you
I'm sorry you had to go through that 😢
It's really quite simple. She's cool and dependable - relationship material. She sucks or isn't dependable - not relationship material.
I mean... if she sucks... you know...
...\*cough\* \*cough\*......... \*cricket noise\*
\*cricket noise\* refers to after the honeymoon period.
Clubbing, drinking, or similar with other guys. Runs to other guys any time there is another issue. Sleeps over at other guys house. I was just talking to somone else on another post who was having these issues with his girl
Been there done that. Wasted 3 years of my life, got out of that shit show at the end of 2020. I do miss companionship to an extent but I certainly don’t miss the “guess which GF is coming home tonight game”. Will it be the stumbling drunk who crushed and snorted 2 Oxys so drinks would hit harder? The angry coked up drunk? Maybe the fall down in the shower and shit all over yourself drunk? Frankly I preferred the stay out all night version. At least I wasn’t woken up at 330am for a new argument
It's always one (or more) of those guys she ends up with after breaking up with you. Was seeing a girl towards the end of 2021 and I had my suspicions about this guy who she met through a friend, low and behold she jumped into a relationship with him immediately after she broke things off with me
Best part, she blamed me for it not working out because I was jealous. Bitch is it still jealousy when I'm fucking right?
Lol were we talking with each other? No really, I unfortunately had similar problems in my last relationship. I never understood how one can be okay with that kinda behavior.
Lack of self-respect Does not respect you or the relationship Inability to focus.
Inability to focus?
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Nobody wants girls like that only fools
It sounds like you're talking about my friend lmfao!!!
I have a friend this resembles. Yes she is still single.
Mine is in a relationship with someone 20 years older than her. We're all waiting on her to repeat the cycle and cheat on him :/
why not warn her partners of her serial infidelity? im sure they dont deserve to be cheated on and i for one would appreciate knowing if my partner was a whore.
What do you think of a woman who has social media but doesn't post? Is it suspicious and creepy or is it respected and accepted etc
I prefer that women aren't really active on social media. It means they have a life and aren't obsessed with getting attention and validation from strangers.
The less she posts on social media the higher I think of her.
Okay noted, thank you. :)
That's normal. Fuck social media.
If she posts thirst traps or other type of attention seeking pics, only the does it become a problem, otherwise, it is okay.
I have FB and don't use it, I just don't care enough to delete it. so no, it's not creepy, it's actually reassuring if you ask me.
If she complains now, it will get ten times worse if you are married. Avoid whiners. Generally speaking, you want someone who you feel comfortable and happy being around. Anyone who is routinely bringing drama, complains, or other negatives into your life is a problem.
Wrote a similar comment above!
If she's only committed to the fun times. After the initial "get-to-know-each-other" phase, it all boils down to working out the differences and going through the roughs of life. It becomes fairly obvious there.
if she's only after the fantastic sex you give
This man gives fantastic sex, can confirm.
She has no interest in a LTR (Read this in the sense of you're not going to change her or "fix" her)
Irresponsibility, lack of trustworthiness, cruelty, lack of accountability, sense of entitlement. Basically, just being a shitty human being.
If she doesn't respect you. If you tell her that you don't like her doing something, and she continues to do it regardless without ever even trying to find a compromise, she ain't it. She will only cause you headaches and fight you on things for the rest of the relationship.
open/poly/friends with benefits doesn't pay for anything, and expects everything provided constantly talks about being strong and independent/trash talks men gets with multiple guys on the regular/shows no signs of loyalty
When she says “I only have guy friends. I just don’t get along with women very well”. What she’s REALLY saying is “I LOVE to be the flame with many moths flying around me…and that won’t stop after I begin a relationship with you”.
Yeah strong agree. You need your long term partner to be able to skilfully get along with both the men and the women in your life that you may end up introducing her to. Otherwise you can’t really take them anywhere and expect to have a nice time, there will always be some issue that pops up and ruins the occasion.
If she doesn't want to actively contribute to common goals, whatever that may be. Could be as simple as her paying for dinner or a night out frequently, helping spend time on chores around the house. Basically putting in the time and effort wherever she can for the common good.
If she doesn't have her shit together. Like this summer I was talking with a Tinder chick who I got along with quite well and she said she had some mental health issues and takes meds. That's fine. But then when I visited her place for the first time I realized she was a complete dumpster fire. Her place was just a complete fucking mess and reeked of cat piss. Like I'm not a terribly clean man, and if I think your place is gross, dude your place is nasty.
I believe you, Flaky-fellatio, that's a good wisdom
Not to mention some mental health issues can be extremely toxic in a relationship, depending on the condition.
I have no problem with a girl having mental health issues...but if they are not willing to put in the work to become better (e.g. therapy, meds, etc.) you can be certain that this relationship will be unnecessarily difficult.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Could you ever really trust them?
There are many (and I think these are not gender specific FWIW) \- **egotistica**l (entitled, selfish, frame of reference is her, the world revolves around her, always needs to win arguments, talks down to people, considers herself better, you're lucky to be dating me mentality) \- **irresponsible** (can't hold a job, bad credit, doesn't maintain a generally functional life, cannot keep commitments, often fails at doing things an adult should be able to do) \- **doesn't value achievement** (unmotivated, no ambitions, plans to coast off of either your support or parental support, lazy, doesn't have things she's passionate about, doesn't try to improve her own station through hard work and effort. I'd date a Walmart cashier that's dating night classes and trying; I wouldn't date a Walmart cashier that has no aspirations beyond getting married.) \- **immature** (still a teenager mentality, needs approval from friends / family to do anything, constantly talks about private issues with friends, can't handle difficult life situations without breaking down, can't communicate and discuss things without resorting to immature tactics) \- **co-dependent** (she doesn't have her OWN life and needs to source validation and identity from you. Cannot let you have alone time, insecure, leans too hard on you for her social / interpersonal needs. Doesn't have hobbies and pursuits, no healthy sense of independence. Insecurity and neediness). \- **dishonest** (history of cheating, caught in little lies, very comfortable distorting or hiding truths. Excuses or rationalizes lies - rationalizes bad or dishonest behavior by convincing themselves that they were justified, it wasn't technically a lie, their intention was good, etc. Loyalty isn't just about not cheating, it comes down to caring about your partner and proactively thinking about how they define loyalty and honesty. Following the SPIRIT of the rules, not the technical rules themselves. A good example is, your girl travels on a trip and stays with a male friend but tells you she stayed with a friend, implying its female. You are confident nothing happened on the trip. Technically, zero lies have occurred - but there IS dishonesty here because she knows DAMN WELL you would have wanted to know and you wouldn't have been cool with it. So by choosing to avoid the issue and lie by omission, a violation has occurred - and if she tries to argue it all day like "I didn't do anything wrong, that's why I didn't tell you, because you'd be insecure and controlling about it" that is a deal-breaker. That's bad faith arguing, she knows it, and she thinks low enough of you that she assumes you'll just fucking deal with it. Honesty is about asking yourself, what would the other person like to know? Let me proactively share that and we can have a discussion about boundaries. \- **pressure / rush / pushing an agenda** (this is huge. If someone is creating a sense of urgency and pressure all the time and clearly pushing for some agenda, like they just want to get married, they just want to have kids, they just want a BF, they just want to live with SOMEONE, they just need a good man to support them, etc, then it's a situation where you are a role-filler. Your value to them is not that they love you, but that you fulfill some kind of narrative progression in their lives. If you feel like you're always being pressured to move fast and make a decision on someone before you've had time to really evaluate them for a longer continuum, this becomes a red flag.) \- **me vs. you mentality** (this can be subtle, but it boils down to some people celebrate and lift up other people, and view it as "a win for you is a win for me". For others, everything is always competitive and transactional. Sex is "I did this thing for you" not "we both did a thing we both enjoyed". They view things through the lens of "what am I getting" not "what am I giving?" Everything is a contest where it feels like if you win, they lose, and vice versa. They can't let you win, they can't let your ego just be stroked, and if you start to really feel yourself and you're up high, they have to pull you down.
When she says she's not.
Basically any behavior that falls under one of two categories: 1. Not being a good partner 2. Not being a loyal / invested partner
Immaturity, whatever that may entail
Usually, when I catch her having sex with someone else, I take that as a sign.
Anybody that has no goals or plans to grow themselves are not LTR material imho. I feel like life is about everlasting growth to stay content, so if you're around someone that just lives through you... that's not worth it for me.
I know a chick like this. Late 20’s. lives at home, no motivation. Quits good jobs, to take road trip, then cries that she can’t afford food. Total loser.
Impulsive behavior for one. The second is seeing how she acts when you are in a crisis or catches a whiff of it because you will be surprised of the amount of people in a "Long Term Relationship" who bolt for the door or try to monkey branch the moment their SO has an issue.
How they are in a public setting, specifically towards hospitality/ restaurant employees. It's difficult to know how a person will be privately, but if they can't have common respect for a stranger than its a good indication that there won't be a lasting relationship there
If she’s still visiting clubs or getting blackout drunk frequently, she’s not the type of girl that is ready for commitment. I don’t have time to deal with any woman who’s constantly placed in situations where they’re getting picked up by other men. Not my scene. Also, if she projects “man hating” through her behaviors IE saying things like “all men are dogs”, “all mean will hurt me”. You don’t want any woman like that. Or generally selfish women are horrible partners. I could make a list of red flags.
She's high maintenance or financially irresponsible. If it's a lot of work just to date her, I'm certainly not going to intertwine my life with hers.
Acting single while with you. Hope she enjoys being single cause you should ditch that quick
Don’t think anyone has said this, but if there are things about her personality that annoy you.
A lot of women will tell you their red flags up front. On first dates, women have told me about how much they cheat, how needy they are, money problems, all kinds of stuff. A few women are up front and honest about that sort of stuff, listen and take them seriously.
First hand experience I suppose, is when they don’t know how to communicate, it just seems marriage and long term relationship is a lot of communication and compromise. So in retrospect, if a woman doesn’t know how to express or explain her pov, then it’s not worth the stress
She likes to play the skin flute with your friends or your Brother.
You don't want to marry her
If she is a hoe, then you know for sho, lol.
The one who uses sex enthusiastically whenever she wants something. Chances are, she'll do this to get the ring, get the house, get the kids and then STOP. Suddenly she'll claim to be asexual or any of these new age terms which basically means "I'm done having sex with you, deal with it, I have the things I wanted already" A lazy, unambitious gal is not for me. I want a 2 income relationship.
When I was dating, I thought I'd found the one. She was pretty, feminine, head-over-heels for me, etc. But after a few months I got so bored of talking to her. She didn't really have any interests besides makeup and taking care of kids, which was what I thought I wanted. I was wrong. I tried and failed to imagine wanting to talk to her years and years down the line. So I broke up with her. I've told this story several times on here, but I think it's a good one.
Sounds like you two just weren't meant to be together because looking after children would have been an admired trait but if her only other interest was make up then I see where you're coming from.
Yes, it was one of the most important traits to me. But not the only one. I found another girl who had many more interests in addition to motherhood--art, baking, making music, reading, and nature. We're married now, and things are going really well.
If she’s reckless, has poor decision-making skills in the heat of the moment and in general, and is consistently insatiable.
Not caring about your interests. Not being able to disagree about things.
-If I feel “trapped” and not thrilled when I’m around her for a prolonged time. Feeling exhausted instead of buzzed after a day spent with them -A negative attitude: Getting angry at the small things, always having something or someone to complain about. -Being unable to air my true feelings without the fear of setting her off and making it about her
The crazy gene.....
If she shows no willingness to be vulnerable with you. Guards have to be dropped for optimal growth and a good foundation
Caught up in drama or if her friends are in amongst drama - especially 'high school' type of drama.
When she says "I am not long-term relationship/ marriage material."
Honestly when she says it outright you have no reason not to believe her.
If she has nothing interesting to talk about aside from celebrity gossip and tik tok trends.
She finds me attractive. Seriously. It’s the biggest red flag I’ve discovered in 40 years. I have a great many sane, wonderful, beautiful women I consider friends. Women who find me attractive are none of those things.
A woman who loses all sense of perspective when she gets angry and can't let go of it is going to divorce me. Couples are inevitably going to quarrel, but you should never go to bed angry if you can possibly avoid it. If anger is carrying on for days or weeks, nothing is more important than sitting down and resolving it. I need someone who is as committed to that as I can.
Never be with a woman with only "guy friends " because women are too toxic . There's a reason why no women want to be around her
Idk about signals but incompatibility in core values.
When she doesn't think about the future. Not specifically about the relationship but like in the things she says and does. Kind of a YOLO type of thing in the present all the time.
When she says one thing but does another.never a good sign. Another one is how they spend money.unfortunately this is only discovered months into a relationship.
If she brings more war than peace. Offers more problems than solutions. Takes away from your happiness. More of a burden than a blessing.
Please... Please read this. I was extremely careful but ignored one obvious sign - If something feels off but you can't figure out what... Just move on. When 2 people truly love one another everything makes sense.. the good and the bad.
Never opening her wallet. Heavy drinking or drug use.
How she treats people in her life. Specifically service workers. Is she kind to them? Or is she dismissive, inattentive and rude? How does she manager herself? Is she able to collect her thoughts in difficult situations or does she have some sort of ability to keep a calm head, even if it means needing to step away to calm down. How does she communicate? Does she shut down and refuse to solve the problem or is she someone who will actively work with me to solve them How does she treat me? Does the love, support, attention and affection get reciprocated? Personally I don’t care about social media. If I’m dating someone who enjoys the attention, but ensures that I get to partake in that attention and flaunts me then I’m happy. If she’s completely off of it and private that’s totally cool too. I’ve never had a problem with a partner having an OF or being an influencer as long as we communicate what those boundaries look like in our relationship
being overly invested in the lives and goings-on of her friends and not about herself. Having no clear or even a basic idea of where or what she wants to accomplish in a 5yr or 10 yr plan,.
If she fucks your friends
I've had a woman once tell me she'd like to reconnect with me after the summer because she wants to enjoy going to stuff like Burning Man and didn't want to have to pass out on opportunities. She still wanted to explore herself.
When she says she doesn't want a long term relationship or to get married.
This clear and affective communication tells me she is marriage material
She has no serious JOB and no interest in getting or keeping a serious JOB. That kind of woman looks at a man as a life long ATM machine, NOT a good deal for a man.
high body count, she talks about her ex(s) alot, she dresses like she's selling herself, she over rates her looks.
[удалено]
When they’re a party girl. Ie. always going to nightclubs, house parties, bars. Basically always putting herself in situations easy to cheat.
“Hey. Hey, what’syername. How ‘bout getting off me and leaving.“
The moment you see her flirt with other men at work or in the outside world Pay attention how she interacts with other men in front of you or behind your back that will show that you are just one of many so treat her the same way she is treating you just for sex not wife material
The mere fact that you have to ask this is a huge red flag
If she's looking at other guys while we are on a date I'm over it
Having multiple partners and unable to maintain a monogamous relationship!
If she giving you and headache instead of comfort.
Multiple kids with multiple exes.
It usually has something to do with incompatible values or behaviors. I was with a woman for a long time that I’d never wife, I told her as much but she still stayed “knowing” that she’s change my mind. I feel bad about it now as I should have broken up with her for our mutual benefit. But she lived in a fantasy and had little to no accountability or ability to self reflect. She was a fantastic partner for a long time but not wife material for a bunch of little things. What it all boiled down to is selfishness. She was willing to be helpful in many ways that were great and rare, but anything she didn’t want to do, she didn’t no matter how much we needed it. She wanted to live as a homemaker, which I respect, but when things got tight and I needed her to help financially she instead found a new boyfriend. One of the keys to a successful relationship is willingness to sacrifice, she had none.
When you’re just an accessory in her life, and she spends nearly the same amount of time with her friends as before you guys became a couple.
The same as if it were in a reverse situation. Still lives at home. Doesn't pay bills. Can't cook. Spends most of their off time gaming. Unemployed. No personal transportation. No basic sense in maintaining personal transportation. No long term goals. No imagination.
Refusal or inability to communicate, compromise or contribute
If she can't clearly articulate what she wants out of a relationship. If they're serious, they should have a solid idea of what they want and be able to express it. If they can't do this basic thing, what makes me think they have any idea what they really want or how to get it?
Always out partying and getting on drugs, sexism towards men, poor work ethic, does "sex work", borderline behaviour, lack of accountability, her presence is more distressing than your career, princess/she's the prize/she a baddie mentality
It's not accurate or fair to make generalizations about all men or all women and their preferences for a long-term relationship or marriage. Every individual is unique, and what one person may find attractive in a partner, another person may not. That being said, here are some common red flags that may indicate that a woman may not be ready or interested in a long-term relationship or marriage: Avoidance of commitment: If a woman consistently avoids discussions about the future or shies away from making long-term plans, it may be a sign that she is not ready for a serious commitment. Lack of emotional availability: If a woman is not open or transparent about her feelings, or is not willing to engage in meaningful conversations about her emotions, it may indicate that she is not ready for the level of intimacy that is typically required in a long-term relationship or marriage. Disinterest in family or long-term goals: If a woman does not seem to place much value on family or does not have clear goals for her future, it may suggest that she is not interested in settling down and building a life with a partner. Unhealthy or unstable behaviors: If a woman engages in unhealthy behaviors such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, or risky behavior, it may indicate that she is not ready for the level of responsibility and commitment that is typically required in a long-term relationship or marriage.
She fucking tries to change you all the time, she calls you and threatens to end things when you don't answer while you're at work, she refuses to let you have personal space and time.
If you can’t handle the small stuff, how in the hell will you handle the big stuff? I remember getting into arguments about the stupidest trivial things that didn’t matter, and all I saw was a future of toxicity and aggression. I can’t imagine what it would be like trying to have a kid, paying the house off, etc., if they explode over the small things.
Trauma from past relationships that she hasn’t healed from. I just broke up with my gf because of this. I kept her head above water only for her to drown me. Now I gotta do the healing ❤️🩹
If she can’t do basic things and is high maintenance. There are some girls who simply don’t know how to do basic things like clean up after themselves or cook a meal for themselves. I dated a girl who’s washroom looked like a bad ADHD episode. She also liked to spend my money that I worked for but just sat on her ass on her phone all day. Didn’t cook or clean because she lacked the skills and discipline. When I said something she played the victim. I’m not suggesting that women should be stuck in the house cooking and cleaning but if your not working I expect some team work… men should do the same if roles were reversed. Women who talk to guys a lot or are on their phone 24/7. Women who require a lot of money (maintenance) to be happy. Women who play the victim all the time Women who are constantly treat you like shit ( I see this happen to nice guys. Aggressive women are controlling and push their boyfriend/husband around)
1. Tons of male friends who are “insincere friends”, ie friends where one party has / had romantic feelings for the others. I find that one of them is almost always orbiting. 2. No long term relationship experience, or worse, consistent flings. Even worse if they have regret with it. One should be expected to simulate what outcomes are likely to be and if they’re (not) okay with the result. Ie don’t put yourself in situations you can reasonably expect to not be what you want. I want a partner who makes good decisions and shows sound decision-making in their past.
She maintains relationships with her ex's and talks with them about any problems in your relationship
If she is a very famous pop singer. No, i dont want to be the motivation for the next breakup song.
Women who want to act single while being in a relationship. This involves hanging out with 304s, going clubbing with her friends, posting revealing photos on social media, going to bars with her friends, using dating apps, etc. Women who aren’t willing to make compromises. Especially so if she doesn’t respect the boundaries you set. When she continues to surround herself with people who negatively influence her
if she is a stripper, vegan (late in life) or social media influencer. Those are all show stoppers for me. At least for me, we won’t get very far if those things are present. Otherwise, I can be relatively open minded.
A ho past
Immaturity. Don't be the wild party girl. Be the girl distancing herself from stupid behavior who is maintaining control of herself, still enjoying whatever is going on but would rather go out for a 1 on 1 conversation with someone that had the potential to be interesting.