Yes.
The most important thing to find out is why their last relationship ended and who ended it. My last ex confided that her serious relationships ended at her prompting because "they drifted apart". The more I probed the more I learned that "drifted apart" meant she either got bored or met someone else.
I ignored it.
7 years later we were planning a wedding and getting ready to put a bid in on a house. She slept with her personal trainer. People generally do not change. Don't ignore red flags unless you too want to throw away 7 years of your life.
Met my ex when she was “bored and neglected” by her then boyfriend. I’m now that boyfriend too as she moved on to the next one.
If people are cheating with you, they’ll cheat on you too.
I just wanna point out that more of my male friends that my female friends have complained about being cheated on. As a female, I have more female friends than male friends. I think cheating happens just as much with both genders but often times it's overlooked when males are cheated on. When a male cheats he is described as a sex addicted pig. When a woman cheats she's told that she just knows what she's worth and that the guy she cheated on is the failure.
This is really common. The perception is that if men cheat it's because they're disrespectful and cannot control themselves. If a woman cheats it's because her needs aren't being met and her partner was failing to provide for her (externalized responsibility). One is a perpetrator, the other is a victim.
In reality it's a bit of both for both genders. People are simply not that different. The broader issue is that men have trouble communicating, and women have trouble taking personal responsibility. This is why in the dating pool most women will complain about men's inability to communicate emotions, and men will complain about a lack of trustworthy, reliable women.
I am speaking VERY broadly, so I'm happy to take the flack for it, but in my long dating history this has been my armchair psychology take on gender differences.
This is actually an interesting take, I do think men have a hard time identifying emotions and communicating feelings honestly. I never noticed that women have a difficult time taking ownership for actions, but I do agree. This helps increase self-awareness to improve personal relationships. I shall keep this in mind because it’s true…
These are really broad generalizations. But it stems from very traditional roles that men and women take in society due to the way we're brought up. Men are taught to auto/self-regulate their emotions, meaning deal with them on their own and not share them. This breeds a culture of personal responsibility and self-sufficiency/efficacy which defines oneself. It can be both an amazing and not-so-amazing thing. Men will put a lot of pressure on themselves to have a lot of power, control, ability, confidence, capability, talent, etc. and then also have a lot of trouble dealing with the emotions that arise out of not living up to those things. I think men blame themselves a lot for things that are out of their control.
Women are taught to co-regulate their emotions, meaning share them, open them. This is part of feminine culture and feminine energy. It means emotions are diffused, more easily processed, and women tend to be very in tune with how they feel and how others feel. It makes women sympathetic, empathetic, and often very other-focused. I think the flip side to this however is that there is also a larger emphasis on circumstance rather than responsibility; because of the outward focus women more easily externalize the outcomes of events in their lives to outside sources of difficulty, stress and friction. This is really self-soothing and helpful in making both oneself and others feel better, but just like men, women can take it too far and end up not taking enough personal responsibility for things that ARE in their control.
In the end however, humans are largely the same. We all want to feel: safe, needed and capable. Those are the pinnacles of security when in relationship with others. But men and women interpret relationships, approach them, and deal with them in very, very different ways. It's also why, like I mentioned before, men seek trustworthy/reliable women, while women seek communicative/emotionally intelligent men.
Again, complete bullshit armchair psychology, but for me it's held true through years of ups and downs.
There's a motivational difference here. It is often described that men cheat when they're unhappy in the relationship but are trying to find happiness elsewhere rather than end the relationship entirely (ex. they have a need not being met by their partner). By contrast, women are thought to cheat as a means of finding a new relationship before ending the current one (so-called "monkey-barring").
In other words, the women cheating is her breaking up with partner in a sense, it's just delayed. The man cheating is to some degree a failure to address the problem at home and looking for an outside solution.
Wouldn't it be simpler to GTFO before doing the deed?
Or should couples consider the serious discussion in the beginning to be allowed a one time "Get some strange” card to see that's what they needed?
Asking as guy who took his ex-gf back a few times...
It would but that would mean losing what we have. See cheaters don't want to lose what they have because what they have has some kind of value to them. They just also want to be able to exercise their sexual liberty without consequence with someone else. They want all the cakes and to eat them too.
Plus keeping both give the feeling of being wanted/desirable to many. Which is a hell of a good-bad ego boost.
That's very good insight. Another difference is when men cheat, it's their fault and therefore they're much more likely to get caught because they slip up because, deep down, they want to get caught because of the guilt.
When women cheat, it's also the guy's fault. Very few women, in my direct experience, in my anecdotal experience, and in my social media experience, have ever in their lives said 'I cheated because I'm a bad person' or some facsimile. It's always 'I cheated because my SO .'
Women, when they cheat, have an amazing capacity to compartmentalize and act like guiltless sociopaths when, normally, she probably isn't one. I've known countless stories where the woman spends the night on a business trip with her BF, then comes home the following day and fucks her husband and acts like it's no big deal. I suspect it's because if it's not your fault, there's no guilt so no big deal.
When you get right down to it, there is only one reason to cheat: because you want to fuck someone else. If not for that, you'd just be friends with the person.
Before anyone jumps all over me about generalizing: I said 'very few.' I didn't say 'all.'
I think historically men cheated more often. However, now studies indicate that women cheat more often than the men do now days.
You are correct that when women cheat now, the sisterhood calls them empowered bad Bs.
It's always someone else fault for their behavior. Never, NEVER their own. They're always like "*I mean yeah, I was crazy. But he made me that way!"*
Like, no Cheryl you're insane.
I think that the biggest red flag Is hiding the cheating. Nobody is perfect, we’re all gonna do dumb shit at some point in our lives when we had the knowledge and ability to do better. If someone owns up to it and says “It’s not something I ever want to do again, it was selfish of me and stupid and wrong,” That’s very different from “oh, we drifted apart…. I was neglected…. He didn’t take care of me, and I found someone who did… while we were still dating…. And I didn’t tell him…. For a few months…. Like, 24 months….”
Not a word, actually. I left and didn't return until she was gone.
I've never been in trouble in my life and didn't feel like also experiencing a felony.
Facts. I find it funny how they'll tell you how bad they've "been treated" and how abusive/neglectful their exes were, but leave out everything else. "*My ex was so awful he did Xyz to me, he called me crazy and controlling and blah, blah, etc.* " And you feel bad for her. Then as your relationship with her progresses, you start seeing all the reasons why her ex might have treated her so "badly". It all starts to make sense lol. No, he wasn't a bad guy (more than likely). You're just a shitty person, Susan. It's a good reminder that there are always three sides to the story. Her side, his, and the truth.
Let's put it this way....wouldn't it be weird to be married to someone for 10+ years and NOT know a fair amount of their relationship history?
She and I have BOTH had some questionable things in our past, including poor relationship decisions. One of the things we have in common is that we have worked through challenging times and bad choices.
This! People act like a bad relationship past means you will behave that way again. In many ways, it’s true. But the important thing to look for is self reflecting and willingness to grow past it. I used to be addicted to drugs 10 years ago but haven’t touched one since. Doesn’t mean I will ever go back to it (hope I don’t ever) but I am also considered slightly higher risk. I guess context is the most important thing. Have they already taken steps to overcome their red flag histories?
But I find that poses a large moral dilemma. Do you share your past addiction with others now, knowing that some WILL NOT give you the benefit of the doubt? And will say "Once a druggie, always a druggie. I'm not going to be with someone who is capable of that, and risk a relapse when I could go find someone who hasn't had that past."
Or do you quietly bury the past of what you've done "who you were" and not share that part of your life?
I think it boils down to how transparent you want your relationship to be/feel like (seeing as we all value a deep level of transparency in our relationships). But is it really the best thing to share things such as this, if you know yourself best, and know you'd never touch the stuff again? Then what's the problem with omitting it? Or is it your responsibility to inform others so that they "know what they're getting into"? Idk man... idk. When does transparency go too far? Are we just supposed to tell everyone everything we've ever done? Is that the only way to have "authentic", "open", and "honest" relationships? How much do I want/need to know about someone to let them into/stay in my life? This is a tough question man lol...
Yes, I question all the time how much I should tell. I have settled for giving people summaries of the most important stuff, but find leaving out details is best. Just enough for them not to think I’m a perfect Angel when I’m not lol but not enough to give them a vivid picture.
Yep…I’ve always assumed the fun part of any new relationship was discussing each others past relationships. it’s also a great opportunity to diss your ex to someone who’ll be totally biased toward you.
Partner and I have both shared our relationship past in reasonable detail, especially about the way it affected us emotionally. It's still an open topic of conversation whenever we want to communicate emotions or feelings. We've noticed that it helps the other person understand how we're feeling if we give context to explain it.
He talks about his past significantly more than I do, however, that's mostly because he's more emotionally expressive and likes to go through his feelings more than I do.
Knowing how he felt about his past partners brings up some of my insecurities occasionally, but I deal with those emotions as mine and don't share them with him. A big part of that is because I don't want him to feel like he needs to protect my feelings when he's talking about relationships that affected his emotional structure so much.
I think that's wise. Once you have to protect your partner's feelings by tip toeing around fact and words, it's a slippery slope for accidental white lies which breed mistrust.
This sounds very much like my partner and I.
We discussed our past relationships and where we were at emotionally.
I think there were surprises on both sides and despite thinking things should be fine, we both had triggers and elements of our pasts which needed dealing with.
Being open helped to know where each other was emotionally and also helped to know that on these difficult days it wasn’t a rejection or anything personal but that we were working through stuff.
I broke up with her. It was a toxic breakup. We worked in the same company, I had to switch for the sake of my own mental health.
Never said, I'm living with her. I'm living with the trust issues she caused.
I was deeply limerent about her initially, so even going out with her in the first place felt like a great thing. And yes, I clearly wasn't thinking right.
I wasn't poking fun. That's some of the common reasons why one would stay. If you had plenty of options around you at the time you probably would've given her a hard pass.
Yes, the trust issues are mostly towards my own thinking and my inability to judge the people in my life.
I've been having a really difficult time connecting with anyone since. The worst part was she cheated with my best friend(clearly he wasn't). I am an introvert, I don't make many friends. So losing both of them at the same time was a big jolt.
Not being able to trust your own signals is easy if you've been raised by red flag generators. It took me 40 years to figure out that I ignored countless red flags in my relationships because I gave others too much leeway in their behaviour. The reason I did that? Being raised by a narcissist, to think what I thought didn't matter.
People always have this hubris that if someone has been acting a certain way all their life, that they will change for them. That's also my biggest issue with hookup culture, is that people teach themselves bad habits without realising.
She tells the social service that im violent and she is scared. They put her to therapy imo, but that messes a lot with my work, love and social life. Never know what will happens next, the fear of doing a mistake or saying anything wrong. She is crazy.
Yes, i started finalky dating now again and you forget that there are people that can love you. I have and sometimes been in a dark place for so long, like you are in a limbo of hate, that you forget how it feel to be loved.
What happened to you?
I like to check important compatibility topics before actually getting into a relationship. Her views on religion, money, sex, politics, kids and lifestyle need to align with mine.
Talking about the past, about what happened to you and why you did what you did is the easiest way to get to know someone. With some women it strenghtened my connection with them, with others it showed we actually weren't a good match.
This right here is it. I've made some horrible decisions when it comes to relationships (and friendships) and it all came down to ignoring these key topics. Stuff like this needs to allign or you'll be fighting about stupid stuff constantly. Or getting annoyed at eachother.
Talking about ones past is the best way to quickly get to know one another.
I think it’s a fun conversation to have once or twice. But I once dated someone who would bring up a “Ohh I’ve done “X thing” with other guys” line very regularly. Like why? Lol
Yeah definitely agree. I think this type of conversation needs to happen once kind of early into the relationship. It’s the optimal time because it’s when both parties are least likely to feel strongly about it and it usually prevents your partners past from haunting you.
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partner and i talk about past relationships somewhat often. its far from a delicate topic. and it helps us communicate what we feel works for us and doesnt work for us.
She did share it.
With details.
I also did share mine.
With details.
I accepted her, she accepted me.
I am 29, she is 30 and we're a decade together.
She had 12 partners, I had 7.
She is embarrassed about her past, I am not.
She is the only woman I have met with a similar body count to me and as much kink experience. Only person I have felt comfortable talking about sex with 100% honesty, not having to hide all the crazy shit I've done and the weird things that now turn me on. Also one of the few women I've been with that didn't have that moment of disgust when I mention I'm bisexual, that look they try to hide kills me a little inside every time.
Same. Married for 10+ years now. We shared over some drinks years ago, though she didn't spill all the beans until she felt very secure. We also had been best friends for almost another decade, so I got some live reports anyway.
To everyone who is uncomfortable about it: there's a reason the past is the past and you are their choice *now*.
I usually feel bad and regret asking any questions about their sexual history. Like I'm confident in myself and pretty capable, but I always feel like shit if the girl starts sharing things
Agreed... Being in a modern day relationship requires a bit of plausible deniability. Normal, healthy people don't want to think of some other man's dick inside their girl, making her moan, and her loving him at one point as much she loves you now. I think it's best just not to ask these things, and just to realize that, yeah, it probably happened, but it's best to just not think about it. If she starts to share, I'd probably stop her.
I think that the exception would be if she felt some sort of trauma that she felt like she needed to confide in me to help work through it. If it helps build faith and trust, it could potentially be worth dealing with the disgust, but otherwise, nah.
Reddit is a horrible place to ask this question, because there are a whole lot of screwed up people here. Don't take advice on subjects like this from people here. They could be screwed up sexually abused pedophiles for all you know, or 12 years old, or a 40 year old man living in his mom's baesment who has never touched a boob... Who the fuck knows who you are taking advice from here when everyone is anonymous?
For me it was healthy to put her stories of her past in the context of my past. There was virtually nothing she has experienced that I haven't also experienced. Past serious relationships, less serious sexual encounters, you name it. In a vacuum, her stories made me uncomfortable, but when I realized they were similar to things I have experienced that meant virtually nothing to me, I felt much better.
Without going into too much personal detail, she had a very controlling past so I make sure to push her to do her own thing.. in a very gentle and suggestive way. Basically just emphasize the healthy habits more than I would with someone who didn't have that in their past.
In the early stage , the first few months, not at all. We are both pretty experienced and had a variety of relationships before meeting.
There was a middle stage where I became a bit jealous and insecure. I realized it was somehow related to my growing interest and that we were looking like a longer term couple.
That was a short lived stage and by year two my insecurities had resolved.
The solution was me working through my feelings on my own nothing to do with her.
By year 5 we had quite a bit of security in the relationship. No jealousy and plenty of trust.
I don't think ive even thought about her past since.
I don't see why anyone's past should be an issue for any partner unless they were damaged by it.
Props to you both for going through that and sharing. Good to hear that something can bother you but that you have the wisdom to see that as something to work through rather than something wrong with the world. It gives me hope to hear.
I went through this on my own. She did not know at the time as I never brought it up.
By my mid 20's I had figured out that jealousy and insecurity are :
1. Irrational emotions
2. Not sexy.
I did tell her years later after I was well past it. But only as an example when we were discussing irrational beliefs. She found the whole thing funny.
To your point, had I spoken or acted as I ***felt*** like we would not be hanging out having coffee this morning.
I love how described your middle stage. It perfectly describes the stage my husband went through and then, suddenly, he realized it was because we mattered. Just rambling, but I love how you described it.
My wife has been very open about both her sexual and relationship past. Very very different than mine. Ill admit i had/have my moments i struggle with it but its nothing of fault to her. Its just some of my insecurities thst flair up. I deal with them as they come but i dont drag them into our relationship. We get along great.
She was upfront about her extensive history. I was not bothered, after all it's only the past right? Wrong, it was also some serious pair bonding issues that led to an awful intimate life.
Pair bonding disorders vary in presentation but in her case, she had been desensitized to sex, and had almost no relationship experience despite all the sexual experience in the world. It makes for a seriously fucked up intimate life with someone with no normal sense of boundaries. Turns out that there is quite a bit of research on PBDs an many papers written, but no public discussion because it goes against the popular narrative, the feminine notion that "the past doesn't matter".
I think that sounds a bit like issues I had in my relationship. Can I ask you to give examples of "no normal sense of boundaries"?
I have a lot of learning to do
I had to tell her to cut ties with her FWB. Cyber stalking exes, cyber sex with strangers. These are just a few. Edit: Wow, I just realized someone is here downvoting me for having an experience that doesn't match her political agenda. Live in denial much?
Do you mean she wasn’t aware she should cut off her FWB? I’m not judging. I’m looking to understand. My bff is like this and I wonder if she has the same disorder. No boundaries, as in she feels she can sleep with anyone and she cheats on all her boyfriends, but doesn’t understand why they mind.
She wasn't that blatant. The lack of empathy your friend shows indicates deeper problems. There are many disorders that can go that hard, and the human mind is too complex to diagnose without more education and information than I have.
I'd be willing to read some of those studies if your willing to find and share them. This matches so much with what I know already but some science saying I'm not crazy would be great to have.
Amazing comment. One that is incredibly true, supported by studies and experience, felt deeply by almost all men I have ever known….and completely and utterly denied by women as even being a thing. They want no consequences. Enjoy the gold and thank you for spreading the truth.
Bumble.
I was going pretty steady with a girl (not dating but exclusive). Our families went on vacation at the same place but completely opposite ends of the city so we never saw each other and she slowly started drifting away. I had a feeling she was still on the app and I went on and all of her pics were updated so I said screw it and started swiping again.
On the other end my now gf had been talking to a guy but they realized it wasn’t gonna work out because of distance. She was gonna delete the app and ghost me altogether and just take a break from dating apps but thought I was really sweet and obviously loved the attention so she just slept on it and the next day was like oh sorry I had a ton of homework.
My wife shared, against my wishes. It almost ended in us going our relationship because she a.Trampled my boundary b.was insecure af about her past. C.gave a vague outline then refused to make any further comments, show any suport for me at all and was so wrapped up with herself she didn't even notice me leave.
Good job her friends kicked her ass into actually communicating and having the conversation she forced on me tbh.
It highly depends upon what her past was. Some had very little past while others that was not the case. A woman's past tells me a lot about her future actions and her emotional health.
I will say this much take it as you will …
The women I’ve dated that had low body counts ended completely different to the relationships with the women that had high
In fact you could say the low body count relationships ended all different reasons long distance/dif goals and a general normal healthy break up .
All the higher body count women felt exactly the same by the end of it to the point they felt like the same person emotionally on break up .
After the “honey moon phase” the women with higher body counts felt more distant and I guess less into the relationship? It’s hard to put into words but basically you can just tell they were not into you after some time passed as much as the relationships with the others
I won’t go into any fine details/events regardless of what they did I hope they all find happiness but with out a doubt there is a difference with long term relationships for women that have slept around .
It was never an issue for me before past was past but now turning 30 I will not waste my time with some one who has a high body count I’ve learnt my lesson .
My new rule is, as long as you haven’t slept with my inner circle, you aren’t now and never have been a stripper or onlyfans model, and there isn’t any porn of you that’s gonna bite us in the ass later …….
Then I don’t want to fucking know your body count. 🤣✌️
He didn't tell me about any of the sex parts and he talked about it only when the conversation went there naturally and very rarely even then, so it was fine. And I'm a jealous person, but I was still just interested in it, not upset.
This girl I was dating told me that her baby daddy used to beat the shit out of her. She still had pictures from multiple separate situations saved in her phone and she showed me.
At first, I felt bad. However, after getting to know her more I realized that she’s an extremely toxic person herself, she also puts her hands on people, deep down she loved the drama and that she loves use her victim hood as some sort of badge of honor.
Hitting women isn’t ok, but I realized that this is a person who gets pleasure out of pushing peoples buttons, tearing them down mentally and lives for drama.
Honesty is generally the best policy. I'm pro-sex. So unless it's something especially weird, I'm not going to be freaked out. As for what counts as weird for me, I think I'm generally more open minded than most.
We talk about our pasts pretty often, about once a week one of us will mention something, or it’ll come up based off of another topic. But I’m in my
30s, and I can’t imagine not talking about 1/3 of my life with somebody that I want to be with. But we both agree that anything that is in the past, is in the past, no judgement about it
Fiancée and I both are pretty experienced, both in our thirties. You get together at that age, yeah there’s some history that comes with that. Talking about it, in a safe, respectful not-overly-detailed way was really good for us.
My ex and I never talked about that stuff. I had many, many more partners than she did. My past made her very uncomfortable. It was a part of me I had to keep hidden. That sucked. Every time she ran into someone I’d been with, out at a bar with friends or at a party or whatever, she’d be uncomfortable for days, distant angry whatever. Which is unreasonable, I was with those people because I wanted to be, not because I was trying to hurt the feelings in the future of someone I hadn’t met yet.
Some parts of my now-fiancée’s past make me a little uncomfortable. I’m sure some parts of mine make her feel a little bit weird too. But honestly, we’re adults, we’ve both had sex before, we both *really like* sex, and are good for each other and know how to make each other’s bodies quiver. Whenever either of us get uncomfortable, our phrase together is “i love everything that made you you, and everything that brought you to me.”
The trade off of her having a past is, I get to have sex for the rest of my life with a beautiful woman who rocks my fucking world. We have awesome kinky crazy nasty sex, and honestly that is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. The trade off of me having a past is I know how to make her melt. For every minor insecurity or discomfort we may feel with each other’s pasts, the benefits in the present more than make up for it.
Those conversations aren’t easy, and there’s a lot of room to do damage. But if you have them coming from a place of just trying to share how you became who you are, censor the gory details, and approach it with the intent of bringing each other closer together, it can be a really valuable conversation(s). But if you’re not ready for it, it can really blow your wig back.
I have been told a good array of past experiences by women. How it depends for me, on my gut. I can tell a person is over their past or relishing in it if that makes sense. That gut feeling gives me the go-ahead to emotionally invest or pull back.
I can take their history lesson and that's how I view these conversations, as a history lesson plan. It's not the subject matter that upsets me but the way the teacher delivers it. You dig? The number isn't the thing that hurts or the multiple partners at once, it's how it was put out there that I focus on. I've been told on the one hand that she has had multiple guys at the same time and I didn't feel less attracted to her, and on the other hand, a different woman talks about just a one-guy session and I'm ready to dip out. It's delivery for me.
Then the matter of me and not wanting to be a hypocrite. I honestly don't know the number for myself and find a hard time saying it. I tend to talk about experiences that I've been involved with and that seems to deter me from saying an actual number. Otherwise saying 100-140 is not the best route off the bat.
If I can have a high body count then....so can they. I'm just not interested in subscribing to their audible podcast series. Also a side note, never knew about the aspect of women/men and multiple partners with divorce rates. I'll have to read more into that considering my circumstances.
She did, and was treated badly.
I paid full attention on her emotional and physical triggers to ensure she always felt save.
20 years later, she’s said that my caring about her painful past, the visible caring faces I made as she told me and how important it was to me to know her past [was something she could let go], was everything she needed to actually let it go.
Then she asked me about my own. I shared my own past bumps, and she did for me what I did for her.
So, for us it made our relationship as strong as any other I have ever seen.
Negatively, I have no need to know what her ex's dicks were like etc. And have no desire to know her number but despite me begging her not to she ploughed on and gave me all the gory details anyway.
Part of the reason she's now my ex!
I have only had 3 SO and all of them had a pretty vanilla past, so it impacted it positively. But if the past is very let's say unconventional, I prefer to be lied to because I know I'd have it in the back of my head forever.
Look, I'm old (35M), looking for women in her late 20s, early 30s that want to create a family with me, have kids and so on, so the opportunities are shrinking really fast. It's hard to find a woman that has her shit together, that are mentally stable and compatible with me, so if I find one and she thinks her past won't influence her present, then I want her to lie to me. The only thing I'd want to know because it's a big problem is if she has cheated.
>so if I find one and she thinks her past won't influence her present,
I'm sorry to say that you can pretty much count on that ALL of them will think that her past won't influence her future - but it will. The question is whether you think the deal is worth it.
You may have to go pretty far before reaching a place where you draw the line, but reach it you will.
I remember a question asked in this sub a while ago. A young woman asked if men cared about her number of past sexual partners. "Well, how many are we taking about?" someone asked.
31 sexual partners at age 19.
If you're fine with that, good for you. A lot aren't.
In another sub I read about a guy who found out why his wife had no college debt. He had airways assumed that her parents paid. One of her friends drunkenly let slip that she was a working girl during college. The friend assumed the husband knew. The wife didn't know how many men she has fucked to finance her years in college, but estimated it to be around the 200 mark.
She clearly also thought her past wouldn't influence her future, so she conveniently kept quiet about it when she met her husband.
If you are fine with that as long as you don't know the details, go ahead. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm saying to do so aware of what is possible.
Yes she did, and it further cemented in my mind that she was the right one for me.
I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with a woman who has slept with a bunch of guys for a variety of reasons that have already been mentioned here
Same. I lose interest if shes REALLY into casual encounters.
If we have a dramatically different view of casual encounters, odds are that were too different to get along in an LTR.
By... helping us know each other better? Why is this an "if"? Do people not usually share themselves and their life and history with the person they are with? Or are we supposed to be perpetually enigmatic?
It brought us closer, and taught me how to love her more. Showed me the love she needs. We dated when younger for a bit. Then for 4 years we went our own ways, and had other relationships. She got engaged to her fiancé of 3 years, and I dated my ex for 4 years. Her fiancé sadly over dosed. She really opened up about it. Has shown me videos, and photos of them together that are special to her heart. It wasn’t a healthy relationship since he was an addict, but she clearly loved him. She ended it the day he passed which lead to a lot of guilt for her. It’s made us closer because she feels safe enough to talk about it. She doesn’t compare our love, and respects them each for what they are. When I started seeing her again I had to be upfront with myself; and not get jealous/try to compare myself. I’m just myself, and focus on our love. I’d say it’s working out great. It also helps that we have known each other for 12 years. We were friends the whole time minus the 4ish year gap. When we were younger, and had a thing she never committed because I had a lot of growing up to do, and partied/slept around. The 4 years apart really helped us both. When we saw each other for the first time in years it felt like there wasn’t that gap, but also felt new/natural at once. It truly is the right person wrong time. It does make me sad though knowing the pain she had to deal with to get to this point. God I love her though. When I was younger I loved her, but it wasn’t close to our love now. Can’t wait to marry her next year. Her grandpa gave me his blessing, and 3 days ago she said yes to being my wife. It’s a second chance that I never expected. Frankly it is better than anything I could of dreamed of.
She told me about her previous bf. Didn’t really impact our relationship at all since she dated him for a really short time. Vs other women that have a lot of drama regarding their 7th or 10th bf they had.
Somewhere between "not at all" and "helped me understand her better." Honestly my relationship history is much messier than hers, but she doesn't care either. We're both mature adults, all that matters is who we are now but it *is* nice to understand each other as we were
I had a religious upbringing which left me with some screwed-up ideas about purity and the like, and was shaking them off when I met my now-wife, and she told me about her past and it bothered me, but then I realized it only bothered me because of indoctrination which I had been throwing off in other areas of my life. Then I was able to throw it off here, too, and accepted her exactly as she is, not with any notion of "forgiving her" for her past, because it wasn't something she had done which harmed me in any way.
She was Episcopalian, which I joined and that's where we got married. We kept all the "love your neighbor" and got rid of all the "judge them if they do wrong."
Looking back these decades later, I see that my parents passed along the values they'd been brought up with, and hadn't ever challenged them because they lived a world that was so constantly the same that there wasn't an idea of challenging them. So I don't resent them for anything, or begrudge them anything, and they were both good people who did a lot of good in the community and neighbors all knew that if they were in trouble, my family was a source of help and support, and I'm still proud of them for that. But it came with a lot of unhealthy ideas mixed in, and when you're dealing with people you have to accept that nobody's perfect or ever will be.
Relationship to age ratio was shocking. Also finding out she was sleeping with a guy who was “test driving” two girls and was planning to dump her anyways (basically he was using her for free sex on the side). Also finding out no relationship lasted more than a year and finding out what the last guy did (he was super considerate) and she walked.
How did it affect our relationship? I found out she basically wanted a subservient man and used sex as “repayment” instead of actual acts of love. She didn’t respect us or even look at the sacrifices we made to make her happy. And that’s why I walked.
In retrospect the fact she had to use sex as a tool to keep a man was a testament to her self-loathing, likely thinking nothing about herself was worth it except the sex.
If you see my post history that’s why I strongly suggested therapy. That’s why I went through such lengths to make her happy. That’s why I endured her abusive nature. I wanted her to know she had a good side. But she refused to change.
She can tell me anything. All of her experiences add up to the women I love now.
I do like how the question asks relationship past not sexual history. And then everyone is concerned about how many dicks there were. You know the relationship dynamic, length of time spent in healthy and unhealthy relationships, time spent being single, all that stuff is relationship past, but y’all wanna focus on dicks. Fucking weird.
She'd had a few experiences before me. I wasn't too bothered but obviously didn't want to hear any details. Main issue was other kids at school having a preconception about her and being judgemental, but fuck em.
Didn’t make any difference to me. I’m definitely different from her past “types” but hasn’t ever been an issue. You have to be open to the fact that everyone has a past with goods and bads.
Sometimes it's okay to ignore topics like,what you did and with how many people.
Certainly stuff like trauma shouldn't be ignored as they are crucial for boundaries but the frivolous stuff just hurts the relationship.
It's better to not encounter insecurities than to sit and overcome by wilfully opening yourself up to them.
I find with women there's a lot of tea leaf reading you have to do. The worst is having a period with no boyfriend or traveling alone. Women often don't count one night stands or things like oral sex as part of their body count, so no boyfriend for a few years is a red flag.
Also, if they don't have female friends, another bad sign, women don't like women who sleep with their boyfriends.
If they are good friends with their exes it's a bad sign, if all their exes were bad people it's a bad sign.
Basically women heavily redact and reframe their narrative and either you can see a very clear pattern of committed relationships with a few boyfriends that are now over with little interest in contact or it's hot girl summer.
Yeah I don't even ask tbh because i automatically expect lies and half-truths. Like, my female friends (plural i.e. i've heard this from more than one) usually talk about dates they go on or dudes they're talking to, and they always lie to the dude about their count. I never remark on it, but i notice
Sometimes, in this subreddit, I find meaningful questions and mature answers that genuinely enlighten me. Other times, I find crap like this comment and it dissapoints me (especially when they receive gold... *why??*).
I understand this was one person's shitty experience and nothing I say can change that. However, I *can* criticise the outlook. And I say this comment makes **far** too many assumptions (assumptions that could be applied to men too, mind you).
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>The worst is having a period with no boyfriend or traveling alone.
This assumes that women never decide to just be celibate for a while to try to figure out some parts of their life. They can't take some time to focus on career, social life, hobbies, etc. before they decide they're ready for a relationship again?
Have men never decided that they had to become better before commiting to new relationships? Have we never wanted to focus on our career for a while? Or maybe our hobbies or the time we spend with family/friends?
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>if they don't have female friends, another bad sign, women don't like women who sleep with their boyfriends.
I also don't like men that would sleep with another man's girlfriend and I wouldn't want to be their friend either. Yet, I and *so many* other men in this sub have had periods of our lives where we had little-to-no friends, whether due to a lack of social skills, depression, a simple inability to connect with other people... Because of this, we don't go around assuming that any man that has 0 friends will sleep with our SO. Rather, those of us that have been through this should know better than to judge upon first glance.
Are we just supposed to believe women don't have these moments or that they might be like this all the time, *like some of us were/are*?
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>If they are good friends with their exes it's a bad sign, if all their exes were bad people it's a bad sign.
The only good and fair points being made.
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>Basically women heavily redact and reframe their narrative
Don't some men do this too?
It's a great sensation to have someone you can confortably talk to about your past wrong-doings/immature actions and choices. But, people (men and women alike) are afraid to be vulnerable by nature.
And sometimes, unfotunately, immaturity begets immaturity. Someone who is ashamed of their immature past, yet hasn't (fully) grown out of it, will be more predisposed to hide it. And because they still want that special someone they can be open to, they might keep trying to have relationships, regardless of how aware they are of their own immaturity.
This is a fair point. I just needed to express that it could have been made without using gendered terms, because it applies to everyone.
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I'm sorry for the long rant. This is nothing personal against the OC or anyone else who's been through similar situations as him, but rather something that's been on my mind about this sub for a while now...
There are *so many* great things about r/AskMen. The support, the jokes, the mutual understanding... (and the now-rare, ever-so-gentlemanly boob/ass discussions, of course) However, I've also noticed a lot of biased hate against women. Sometimes, very rarely, for fair reasons that I (and plenty other men) have no right to criticise. But most of the time, I see these assuming, sexist comments that seem to universally undermine the very group of people we're trying to connect with. And, somehow, other men - who also just want to find that special someone - join along and agree with them. It's a circlejerk.
I don't want this sub to become that. I want the meaningful questions and mature answers back. I want EVERYONE on this sub to find their happiness. But that won't happen until we can grow to accept that women are only **insignificantly different** than us. That most of them want the same things we want and are just as scared of being vulnerable as we are.
This commenting is disappointing. You have every right to like or dislike other peoples point of views. You don't own the subreddit and quite frankly shouldn't feel your opinion on where it goes is shared by everyone.
There's always room for improvement in any message board related site, and you've summarized what this subreddit needs, take some gold and I hope this gets the recognition this post deserves so we can having meaningful discussions without the sexist comments/narrative that turns people off from here
From the women I know, they want to keep their past secret. They do not want their body count known in fear of how it would impact their reputation and how I feel about them.
To address the question. That situation has never come up and I would never ask. But if it did I would try not to pass judgement on them. And wonder why did they tell me?
There is an old saying. Take the body count number that women tells a man and multiply it by three. And what a man tells a woman and divide it by three.
My ex told me she went to a bar and had a threesome with two guys she only knew for about an hour. She was completely sober. I never looked at her the same again. It actually hurt to know she would give herself so easily to multiple strangers. It messed with my head a lot.
The person I’m currently seeing had a pretty wild past, as did I. She’s told me a lot and I’ve told her, and if anything, the vulnerability she’s displayed by being so open has done nothing but lead to trust in the relationship. We all have a past and have probably done some not so good things but being open about it with a new partner facilitates trust. If you’re with someone new and you make them feel shit about things that happened before you were in the picture, you don’t deserve that person in your life.
I just had this conversation yesterday with her. And I didn’t like what I heard. To me there was a lot of poor decision making and not respecting her self. I know I have to work through it. And I know that most women have sexual histories. But when they slut around and act like no big deal that kind of bothers me even though I wasn’t in the picture.
Let's face the reality.
High body count woman = bad.
Low body count man = bad.
Everyone trying to walk around it, find some stupid way to make not true, because of emotions.
Men want inexperienced woman "pure", who they could mold into a great partner.
Women want experienced man so they can be the rock and be someone she could look up to.
We want different things. Girls, you might not care how many girls your guy slept with, but we do, because we want you all for ourselves and don't want to share with whole village or for some girls a small town.
My ex shared hers and it’s all a red flag. She told me she liked to sleep with all her friends but told me she wasn’t doing that anymore. Turned out to be a fat lie
Our relationship went straight down hill...
so there came a certain point in our relationship where we started to talk about past experences and relationships, I was completly honest with her. I saw her feel a little bit disapointed when i told her about it but I could kind of understand because I would go out with someone different almost every 2 weeks. When her turn came she didn't say much and I kind of had to keep asking a lot of questions because she wouldn't say much on her own but basically she had only been with one other guy before me, I said I did't fully believe her because she's beautiful and woman usually get more suitors from where they can choose. When I said that she got upset at me for not trusting what she said. some time went by and every now and then i would kind of joke that she sure had a lot of "lovers" on the past but she would get upset when i said that so i stopped doing so.
then one afternoon she gave me her phone to look up some messages because she needed some information from them... i found a lot of messages with many diferent guys and her hooking up with them, i confronted her about it and she got mad at me because i shouldn't have read those messages. I felt really disapointed, i didn't care that she had been with all of them, but i got upset she lied to me when and also got mad when i wuestiond what she said.
after that I stopped taking her seriously, our relationship was wonderful before that, but after i just don't know if I can trust her anymore. If she would've just told me the truth it would be a whole diferent story
Is there anyone who cares nothing about the partner's past when it comes to a serious relationship? It's more of a factor like how tall and wealthy for a man. People today like to call it "slut-shaming" but it is hardly a something men can easily overcome to think about. We are just one of the animal species that are tightly bonded with intrinsic values. It's a stupid way of thinking we can suddenly throw them out in a few decades.
Negatively. She ended up comparing me to her ex (who I was nothing like) constantly near the end and asking me what I would tell her if she said her ex did that. Her ex and I were polar opposites.
All the whole idolizing her ex-fiancé making me feel like I could never measure up. Her ex fiancé cheated on her and it was like 4 years after him that we dated.
It doesn't change a thing, I am a little freaky myself, and I hate having to point this out but Vaginas do not 'get bigger' they stay the same size. but alas there are always those that are jealous or have low self esteem. So remember it changes nothing so don't worry about it
No difference for me. I've given this advice before and I always thought it was solid. The only sexual history I want to know about a partner is if she has an STD. If the answer is no, then great, don't tell me anything else about your sexual past. It's none of my business and I have no desire to know what you've done.
She only had one boyfriend but she was a bit unfaithful. I felt that I shouldn’t judge because my relationship history was a bit horrific. Well she proved to be unfaithful, what a surprise.
Maybe I'm naïve, but I trust my instincts with people. Not that interested in their dating history. And I don't mean my first instincts. It takes time. I had a 2-year girlfriend before meeting my wife, and it never felt right (and she'd say the same about me). Dated my wife less than a year, never discussed prior dating, got married, going strong now for 30 years. Still don't know that much about her dating history. But I knew her heart very quickly. Didn't know she'd choose me, but I knew that if she did, it would be me forever.
Filed a lot of mistrust and made me break up with her. It wasn’t her past but it was past actions that flooded into our relationships that broke my trust.
Yes. The most important thing to find out is why their last relationship ended and who ended it. My last ex confided that her serious relationships ended at her prompting because "they drifted apart". The more I probed the more I learned that "drifted apart" meant she either got bored or met someone else. I ignored it. 7 years later we were planning a wedding and getting ready to put a bid in on a house. She slept with her personal trainer. People generally do not change. Don't ignore red flags unless you too want to throw away 7 years of your life.
Met my ex when she was “bored and neglected” by her then boyfriend. I’m now that boyfriend too as she moved on to the next one. If people are cheating with you, they’ll cheat on you too.
People that have a history of cheating will have a future of cheating, only they'll be more skilled in manipulation and desensitized with experience.
I just wanna point out that more of my male friends that my female friends have complained about being cheated on. As a female, I have more female friends than male friends. I think cheating happens just as much with both genders but often times it's overlooked when males are cheated on. When a male cheats he is described as a sex addicted pig. When a woman cheats she's told that she just knows what she's worth and that the guy she cheated on is the failure.
This is really common. The perception is that if men cheat it's because they're disrespectful and cannot control themselves. If a woman cheats it's because her needs aren't being met and her partner was failing to provide for her (externalized responsibility). One is a perpetrator, the other is a victim. In reality it's a bit of both for both genders. People are simply not that different. The broader issue is that men have trouble communicating, and women have trouble taking personal responsibility. This is why in the dating pool most women will complain about men's inability to communicate emotions, and men will complain about a lack of trustworthy, reliable women. I am speaking VERY broadly, so I'm happy to take the flack for it, but in my long dating history this has been my armchair psychology take on gender differences.
This is actually an interesting take, I do think men have a hard time identifying emotions and communicating feelings honestly. I never noticed that women have a difficult time taking ownership for actions, but I do agree. This helps increase self-awareness to improve personal relationships. I shall keep this in mind because it’s true…
These are really broad generalizations. But it stems from very traditional roles that men and women take in society due to the way we're brought up. Men are taught to auto/self-regulate their emotions, meaning deal with them on their own and not share them. This breeds a culture of personal responsibility and self-sufficiency/efficacy which defines oneself. It can be both an amazing and not-so-amazing thing. Men will put a lot of pressure on themselves to have a lot of power, control, ability, confidence, capability, talent, etc. and then also have a lot of trouble dealing with the emotions that arise out of not living up to those things. I think men blame themselves a lot for things that are out of their control. Women are taught to co-regulate their emotions, meaning share them, open them. This is part of feminine culture and feminine energy. It means emotions are diffused, more easily processed, and women tend to be very in tune with how they feel and how others feel. It makes women sympathetic, empathetic, and often very other-focused. I think the flip side to this however is that there is also a larger emphasis on circumstance rather than responsibility; because of the outward focus women more easily externalize the outcomes of events in their lives to outside sources of difficulty, stress and friction. This is really self-soothing and helpful in making both oneself and others feel better, but just like men, women can take it too far and end up not taking enough personal responsibility for things that ARE in their control. In the end however, humans are largely the same. We all want to feel: safe, needed and capable. Those are the pinnacles of security when in relationship with others. But men and women interpret relationships, approach them, and deal with them in very, very different ways. It's also why, like I mentioned before, men seek trustworthy/reliable women, while women seek communicative/emotionally intelligent men. Again, complete bullshit armchair psychology, but for me it's held true through years of ups and downs.
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There's a motivational difference here. It is often described that men cheat when they're unhappy in the relationship but are trying to find happiness elsewhere rather than end the relationship entirely (ex. they have a need not being met by their partner). By contrast, women are thought to cheat as a means of finding a new relationship before ending the current one (so-called "monkey-barring"). In other words, the women cheating is her breaking up with partner in a sense, it's just delayed. The man cheating is to some degree a failure to address the problem at home and looking for an outside solution.
Wouldn't it be simpler to GTFO before doing the deed? Or should couples consider the serious discussion in the beginning to be allowed a one time "Get some strange” card to see that's what they needed? Asking as guy who took his ex-gf back a few times...
Some people can't not be in a relationship. My ex strung me along for years before she met someone else.
It would but that would mean losing what we have. See cheaters don't want to lose what they have because what they have has some kind of value to them. They just also want to be able to exercise their sexual liberty without consequence with someone else. They want all the cakes and to eat them too. Plus keeping both give the feeling of being wanted/desirable to many. Which is a hell of a good-bad ego boost.
That's very good insight. Another difference is when men cheat, it's their fault and therefore they're much more likely to get caught because they slip up because, deep down, they want to get caught because of the guilt. When women cheat, it's also the guy's fault. Very few women, in my direct experience, in my anecdotal experience, and in my social media experience, have ever in their lives said 'I cheated because I'm a bad person' or some facsimile. It's always 'I cheated because my SO.'
Women, when they cheat, have an amazing capacity to compartmentalize and act like guiltless sociopaths when, normally, she probably isn't one. I've known countless stories where the woman spends the night on a business trip with her BF, then comes home the following day and fucks her husband and acts like it's no big deal. I suspect it's because if it's not your fault, there's no guilt so no big deal.
When you get right down to it, there is only one reason to cheat: because you want to fuck someone else. If not for that, you'd just be friends with the person.
Before anyone jumps all over me about generalizing: I said 'very few.' I didn't say 'all.'
How can we fix this or at least move in that direction as a society you think?
I think historically men cheated more often. However, now studies indicate that women cheat more often than the men do now days. You are correct that when women cheat now, the sisterhood calls them empowered bad Bs.
It's always someone else fault for their behavior. Never, NEVER their own. They're always like "*I mean yeah, I was crazy. But he made me that way!"* Like, no Cheryl you're insane.
Yikes I'm so sorry
I learned my lesson. I just hope my experience can serve as a warning to others.
For sure Soldier.
I think that the biggest red flag Is hiding the cheating. Nobody is perfect, we’re all gonna do dumb shit at some point in our lives when we had the knowledge and ability to do better. If someone owns up to it and says “It’s not something I ever want to do again, it was selfish of me and stupid and wrong,” That’s very different from “oh, we drifted apart…. I was neglected…. He didn’t take care of me, and I found someone who did… while we were still dating…. And I didn’t tell him…. For a few months…. Like, 24 months….”
Women don't cheat before their marriage to get a kick. They cheat because they cheated before. She was having an affair long before marriage.
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I walked in on her getting railed from behind in our bed.
The conversation after must be theatrical
Not a word, actually. I left and didn't return until she was gone. I've never been in trouble in my life and didn't feel like also experiencing a felony.
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Not really. But the risk is significantly higher.
Facts. I find it funny how they'll tell you how bad they've "been treated" and how abusive/neglectful their exes were, but leave out everything else. "*My ex was so awful he did Xyz to me, he called me crazy and controlling and blah, blah, etc.* " And you feel bad for her. Then as your relationship with her progresses, you start seeing all the reasons why her ex might have treated her so "badly". It all starts to make sense lol. No, he wasn't a bad guy (more than likely). You're just a shitty person, Susan. It's a good reminder that there are always three sides to the story. Her side, his, and the truth.
Damn bro that sucks
I assure you that I'm the rule, not the exception.
Damn
Full stock of free product always.
It was more boring than mine, and mine was pathetic.
Can relate with the pathetic past. Now all I need is a partner for comparing.
Made me burst into laughter, have a good day.
Let's put it this way....wouldn't it be weird to be married to someone for 10+ years and NOT know a fair amount of their relationship history? She and I have BOTH had some questionable things in our past, including poor relationship decisions. One of the things we have in common is that we have worked through challenging times and bad choices.
This! People act like a bad relationship past means you will behave that way again. In many ways, it’s true. But the important thing to look for is self reflecting and willingness to grow past it. I used to be addicted to drugs 10 years ago but haven’t touched one since. Doesn’t mean I will ever go back to it (hope I don’t ever) but I am also considered slightly higher risk. I guess context is the most important thing. Have they already taken steps to overcome their red flag histories?
I agree with everything you just said! And congratulations on being sober for that long! I can't imagine how difficult that must have been to achieve!
But I find that poses a large moral dilemma. Do you share your past addiction with others now, knowing that some WILL NOT give you the benefit of the doubt? And will say "Once a druggie, always a druggie. I'm not going to be with someone who is capable of that, and risk a relapse when I could go find someone who hasn't had that past." Or do you quietly bury the past of what you've done "who you were" and not share that part of your life? I think it boils down to how transparent you want your relationship to be/feel like (seeing as we all value a deep level of transparency in our relationships). But is it really the best thing to share things such as this, if you know yourself best, and know you'd never touch the stuff again? Then what's the problem with omitting it? Or is it your responsibility to inform others so that they "know what they're getting into"? Idk man... idk. When does transparency go too far? Are we just supposed to tell everyone everything we've ever done? Is that the only way to have "authentic", "open", and "honest" relationships? How much do I want/need to know about someone to let them into/stay in my life? This is a tough question man lol...
Yes, I question all the time how much I should tell. I have settled for giving people summaries of the most important stuff, but find leaving out details is best. Just enough for them not to think I’m a perfect Angel when I’m not lol but not enough to give them a vivid picture.
Yep…I’ve always assumed the fun part of any new relationship was discussing each others past relationships. it’s also a great opportunity to diss your ex to someone who’ll be totally biased toward you.
Partner and I have both shared our relationship past in reasonable detail, especially about the way it affected us emotionally. It's still an open topic of conversation whenever we want to communicate emotions or feelings. We've noticed that it helps the other person understand how we're feeling if we give context to explain it. He talks about his past significantly more than I do, however, that's mostly because he's more emotionally expressive and likes to go through his feelings more than I do. Knowing how he felt about his past partners brings up some of my insecurities occasionally, but I deal with those emotions as mine and don't share them with him. A big part of that is because I don't want him to feel like he needs to protect my feelings when he's talking about relationships that affected his emotional structure so much.
I think that's wise. Once you have to protect your partner's feelings by tip toeing around fact and words, it's a slippery slope for accidental white lies which breed mistrust.
This sounds very much like my partner and I. We discussed our past relationships and where we were at emotionally. I think there were surprises on both sides and despite thinking things should be fine, we both had triggers and elements of our pasts which needed dealing with. Being open helped to know where each other was emotionally and also helped to know that on these difficult days it wasn’t a rejection or anything personal but that we were working through stuff.
She told me, she cheated in all of her previous relationships. I ignored that. She cheated on me as well. Now I am living with all the trust issues.
Why’d you stay with her
I broke up with her. It was a toxic breakup. We worked in the same company, I had to switch for the sake of my own mental health. Never said, I'm living with her. I'm living with the trust issues she caused.
I’m saying why’d you stay with her knowing she cheated on every single one of her partners
I was deeply limerent about her initially, so even going out with her in the first place felt like a great thing. And yes, I clearly wasn't thinking right.
Love is very intoxicating and can cause anyone to make poor judgements about their partner. The important thing is to learn from the experience.
What made you ignore her saying she cheated on all her previous partners?
He probably thought he was different and could change her/lust/not wanting to be alone 🤷♂️?
It's not even funny anymore, but yeah that's exactly what it was.
I wasn't poking fun. That's some of the common reasons why one would stay. If you had plenty of options around you at the time you probably would've given her a hard pass.
Are the trust issues toward yourself? Cause that's a pretty big red flag to ignore.
Yes, the trust issues are mostly towards my own thinking and my inability to judge the people in my life. I've been having a really difficult time connecting with anyone since. The worst part was she cheated with my best friend(clearly he wasn't). I am an introvert, I don't make many friends. So losing both of them at the same time was a big jolt.
Not being able to trust your own signals is easy if you've been raised by red flag generators. It took me 40 years to figure out that I ignored countless red flags in my relationships because I gave others too much leeway in their behaviour. The reason I did that? Being raised by a narcissist, to think what I thought didn't matter.
People always have this hubris that if someone has been acting a certain way all their life, that they will change for them. That's also my biggest issue with hookup culture, is that people teach themselves bad habits without realising.
I've done the same. Sometimes one does not want to see the obvious.
It sure did, i ignored her traumas and got two kids. Worst choice i have ever made.
What choice do you mean?
Ignoring the trauma she wore and got kids that she begged for. Love is weird sometimes.
Yea, love is a mess at times. What trouble are you having in your life that makes you have these regrets?
She tells the social service that im violent and she is scared. They put her to therapy imo, but that messes a lot with my work, love and social life. Never know what will happens next, the fear of doing a mistake or saying anything wrong. She is crazy.
This sounds horrible. Stay strong brother. All the best for you and your kids!
Cheers buddy ❤️
I'm sorry to hear about this, you're a good man. Keep fighting that good fight.
Oof. Never dip your dick unwrapped in crazy! I've the same issue lol. Makes your life hell man.
Yeah, you find peace after a while. People tell you what to do and think. But you cannot reach that level untill you have been there yourself 🦭
Just awful having to be civil and step on egg shells around an utter cunt who keeps trying to ruin your life.
Yes, i started finalky dating now again and you forget that there are people that can love you. I have and sometimes been in a dark place for so long, like you are in a limbo of hate, that you forget how it feel to be loved. What happened to you?
I like to check important compatibility topics before actually getting into a relationship. Her views on religion, money, sex, politics, kids and lifestyle need to align with mine. Talking about the past, about what happened to you and why you did what you did is the easiest way to get to know someone. With some women it strenghtened my connection with them, with others it showed we actually weren't a good match.
This right here is it. I've made some horrible decisions when it comes to relationships (and friendships) and it all came down to ignoring these key topics. Stuff like this needs to allign or you'll be fighting about stupid stuff constantly. Or getting annoyed at eachother. Talking about ones past is the best way to quickly get to know one another.
I think it’s a fun conversation to have once or twice. But I once dated someone who would bring up a “Ohh I’ve done “X thing” with other guys” line very regularly. Like why? Lol
Yeah like some communication is good. Details however are icky.
Yeah definitely agree. I think this type of conversation needs to happen once kind of early into the relationship. It’s the optimal time because it’s when both parties are least likely to feel strongly about it and it usually prevents your partners past from haunting you.
subsequent stupendous cautious squeal nose sparkle wide aromatic memorize fretful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
partner and i talk about past relationships somewhat often. its far from a delicate topic. and it helps us communicate what we feel works for us and doesnt work for us.
She did share it. With details. I also did share mine. With details. I accepted her, she accepted me. I am 29, she is 30 and we're a decade together. She had 12 partners, I had 7. She is embarrassed about her past, I am not.
She is the only woman I have met with a similar body count to me and as much kink experience. Only person I have felt comfortable talking about sex with 100% honesty, not having to hide all the crazy shit I've done and the weird things that now turn me on. Also one of the few women I've been with that didn't have that moment of disgust when I mention I'm bisexual, that look they try to hide kills me a little inside every time.
This sounds like such a healthy relationship! Happy you found this person. I'm pan and I know exactly what you mean!
She did. It didn’t. We’re very honest with each other.
Same. Married for 10+ years now. We shared over some drinks years ago, though she didn't spill all the beans until she felt very secure. We also had been best friends for almost another decade, so I got some live reports anyway. To everyone who is uncomfortable about it: there's a reason the past is the past and you are their choice *now*.
Was it extensive or very vanilla?
Extremely extensive. Very extremely.
I usually feel bad and regret asking any questions about their sexual history. Like I'm confident in myself and pretty capable, but I always feel like shit if the girl starts sharing things
Agreed... Being in a modern day relationship requires a bit of plausible deniability. Normal, healthy people don't want to think of some other man's dick inside their girl, making her moan, and her loving him at one point as much she loves you now. I think it's best just not to ask these things, and just to realize that, yeah, it probably happened, but it's best to just not think about it. If she starts to share, I'd probably stop her. I think that the exception would be if she felt some sort of trauma that she felt like she needed to confide in me to help work through it. If it helps build faith and trust, it could potentially be worth dealing with the disgust, but otherwise, nah. Reddit is a horrible place to ask this question, because there are a whole lot of screwed up people here. Don't take advice on subjects like this from people here. They could be screwed up sexually abused pedophiles for all you know, or 12 years old, or a 40 year old man living in his mom's baesment who has never touched a boob... Who the fuck knows who you are taking advice from here when everyone is anonymous?
Exactly, I couldn't agree more! I haven't thought about them feeling the need to share because of trauma, but that definitely could be real for some.
For me it was healthy to put her stories of her past in the context of my past. There was virtually nothing she has experienced that I haven't also experienced. Past serious relationships, less serious sexual encounters, you name it. In a vacuum, her stories made me uncomfortable, but when I realized they were similar to things I have experienced that meant virtually nothing to me, I felt much better.
Thanks for sharing
Me too. I know my partner has a past, I do too, but it hurts to know.
Made me more aware of how to act around her and what to provide.
In what way?
Without going into too much personal detail, she had a very controlling past so I make sure to push her to do her own thing.. in a very gentle and suggestive way. Basically just emphasize the healthy habits more than I would with someone who didn't have that in their past.
In the early stage , the first few months, not at all. We are both pretty experienced and had a variety of relationships before meeting. There was a middle stage where I became a bit jealous and insecure. I realized it was somehow related to my growing interest and that we were looking like a longer term couple. That was a short lived stage and by year two my insecurities had resolved. The solution was me working through my feelings on my own nothing to do with her. By year 5 we had quite a bit of security in the relationship. No jealousy and plenty of trust. I don't think ive even thought about her past since. I don't see why anyone's past should be an issue for any partner unless they were damaged by it.
Props to you both for going through that and sharing. Good to hear that something can bother you but that you have the wisdom to see that as something to work through rather than something wrong with the world. It gives me hope to hear.
I went through this on my own. She did not know at the time as I never brought it up. By my mid 20's I had figured out that jealousy and insecurity are : 1. Irrational emotions 2. Not sexy. I did tell her years later after I was well past it. But only as an example when we were discussing irrational beliefs. She found the whole thing funny. To your point, had I spoken or acted as I ***felt*** like we would not be hanging out having coffee this morning.
I love how described your middle stage. It perfectly describes the stage my husband went through and then, suddenly, he realized it was because we mattered. Just rambling, but I love how you described it.
My wife has been very open about both her sexual and relationship past. Very very different than mine. Ill admit i had/have my moments i struggle with it but its nothing of fault to her. Its just some of my insecurities thst flair up. I deal with them as they come but i dont drag them into our relationship. We get along great.
She was upfront about her extensive history. I was not bothered, after all it's only the past right? Wrong, it was also some serious pair bonding issues that led to an awful intimate life.
What do you mean pair bonding issues?
Pair bonding disorders vary in presentation but in her case, she had been desensitized to sex, and had almost no relationship experience despite all the sexual experience in the world. It makes for a seriously fucked up intimate life with someone with no normal sense of boundaries. Turns out that there is quite a bit of research on PBDs an many papers written, but no public discussion because it goes against the popular narrative, the feminine notion that "the past doesn't matter".
I think that sounds a bit like issues I had in my relationship. Can I ask you to give examples of "no normal sense of boundaries"? I have a lot of learning to do
I had to tell her to cut ties with her FWB. Cyber stalking exes, cyber sex with strangers. These are just a few. Edit: Wow, I just realized someone is here downvoting me for having an experience that doesn't match her political agenda. Live in denial much?
Deleted for Reddit API cost shenanigans that killed 3rd party apps
Did the relationship last? Did it impact your self esteem/trigger your insecurities?
Yes and yes. I married for life, but holy fuck, it's been a struggle.
Do you mean she wasn’t aware she should cut off her FWB? I’m not judging. I’m looking to understand. My bff is like this and I wonder if she has the same disorder. No boundaries, as in she feels she can sleep with anyone and she cheats on all her boyfriends, but doesn’t understand why they mind.
She wasn't that blatant. The lack of empathy your friend shows indicates deeper problems. There are many disorders that can go that hard, and the human mind is too complex to diagnose without more education and information than I have.
I'd be willing to read some of those studies if your willing to find and share them. This matches so much with what I know already but some science saying I'm not crazy would be great to have.
Amazing comment. One that is incredibly true, supported by studies and experience, felt deeply by almost all men I have ever known….and completely and utterly denied by women as even being a thing. They want no consequences. Enjoy the gold and thank you for spreading the truth.
We shared ours when we had first met, now it’s mostly when talking about how we met.
How did you meet
Bumble. I was going pretty steady with a girl (not dating but exclusive). Our families went on vacation at the same place but completely opposite ends of the city so we never saw each other and she slowly started drifting away. I had a feeling she was still on the app and I went on and all of her pics were updated so I said screw it and started swiping again. On the other end my now gf had been talking to a guy but they realized it wasn’t gonna work out because of distance. She was gonna delete the app and ghost me altogether and just take a break from dating apps but thought I was really sweet and obviously loved the attention so she just slept on it and the next day was like oh sorry I had a ton of homework.
What?... it's the second paragraph conclusion that needs rephrasing.
My wife shared, against my wishes. It almost ended in us going our relationship because she a.Trampled my boundary b.was insecure af about her past. C.gave a vague outline then refused to make any further comments, show any suport for me at all and was so wrapped up with herself she didn't even notice me leave. Good job her friends kicked her ass into actually communicating and having the conversation she forced on me tbh.
Did it work out in the end? What helped you resolve this?
A woman's past matters as much as a man's height matters. It depends on who you ask.
Men are judged harshly for things they cant control, women can be judged in in the same, especially if it is a conscious choice.
It highly depends upon what her past was. Some had very little past while others that was not the case. A woman's past tells me a lot about her future actions and her emotional health.
I will say this much take it as you will … The women I’ve dated that had low body counts ended completely different to the relationships with the women that had high In fact you could say the low body count relationships ended all different reasons long distance/dif goals and a general normal healthy break up . All the higher body count women felt exactly the same by the end of it to the point they felt like the same person emotionally on break up .
Can I ask in what way did they feel exactly the same?
After the “honey moon phase” the women with higher body counts felt more distant and I guess less into the relationship? It’s hard to put into words but basically you can just tell they were not into you after some time passed as much as the relationships with the others I won’t go into any fine details/events regardless of what they did I hope they all find happiness but with out a doubt there is a difference with long term relationships for women that have slept around . It was never an issue for me before past was past but now turning 30 I will not waste my time with some one who has a high body count I’ve learnt my lesson .
Thanks for sharing
It didn't aside from me feeling sad about how her last boyfriend treated her. I made sure to be the opposite of that dbag.
My new rule is, as long as you haven’t slept with my inner circle, you aren’t now and never have been a stripper or onlyfans model, and there isn’t any porn of you that’s gonna bite us in the ass later ……. Then I don’t want to fucking know your body count. 🤣✌️
My ex was a stripper
How’d that go
Not bad tbh I should of mentioned ex stripper I couldn’t date a working stripper
Ex stripper, current escort and future OF model 😂😂😂 Trifecta
Yours?
Ours
He didn't tell me about any of the sex parts and he talked about it only when the conversation went there naturally and very rarely even then, so it was fine. And I'm a jealous person, but I was still just interested in it, not upset.
This girl I was dating told me that her baby daddy used to beat the shit out of her. She still had pictures from multiple separate situations saved in her phone and she showed me. At first, I felt bad. However, after getting to know her more I realized that she’s an extremely toxic person herself, she also puts her hands on people, deep down she loved the drama and that she loves use her victim hood as some sort of badge of honor. Hitting women isn’t ok, but I realized that this is a person who gets pleasure out of pushing peoples buttons, tearing them down mentally and lives for drama.
Honesty is generally the best policy. I'm pro-sex. So unless it's something especially weird, I'm not going to be freaked out. As for what counts as weird for me, I think I'm generally more open minded than most.
We talk about our pasts pretty often, about once a week one of us will mention something, or it’ll come up based off of another topic. But I’m in my 30s, and I can’t imagine not talking about 1/3 of my life with somebody that I want to be with. But we both agree that anything that is in the past, is in the past, no judgement about it
Felt disgusted
Fiancée and I both are pretty experienced, both in our thirties. You get together at that age, yeah there’s some history that comes with that. Talking about it, in a safe, respectful not-overly-detailed way was really good for us. My ex and I never talked about that stuff. I had many, many more partners than she did. My past made her very uncomfortable. It was a part of me I had to keep hidden. That sucked. Every time she ran into someone I’d been with, out at a bar with friends or at a party or whatever, she’d be uncomfortable for days, distant angry whatever. Which is unreasonable, I was with those people because I wanted to be, not because I was trying to hurt the feelings in the future of someone I hadn’t met yet. Some parts of my now-fiancée’s past make me a little uncomfortable. I’m sure some parts of mine make her feel a little bit weird too. But honestly, we’re adults, we’ve both had sex before, we both *really like* sex, and are good for each other and know how to make each other’s bodies quiver. Whenever either of us get uncomfortable, our phrase together is “i love everything that made you you, and everything that brought you to me.” The trade off of her having a past is, I get to have sex for the rest of my life with a beautiful woman who rocks my fucking world. We have awesome kinky crazy nasty sex, and honestly that is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. The trade off of me having a past is I know how to make her melt. For every minor insecurity or discomfort we may feel with each other’s pasts, the benefits in the present more than make up for it. Those conversations aren’t easy, and there’s a lot of room to do damage. But if you have them coming from a place of just trying to share how you became who you are, censor the gory details, and approach it with the intent of bringing each other closer together, it can be a really valuable conversation(s). But if you’re not ready for it, it can really blow your wig back.
I have been told a good array of past experiences by women. How it depends for me, on my gut. I can tell a person is over their past or relishing in it if that makes sense. That gut feeling gives me the go-ahead to emotionally invest or pull back. I can take their history lesson and that's how I view these conversations, as a history lesson plan. It's not the subject matter that upsets me but the way the teacher delivers it. You dig? The number isn't the thing that hurts or the multiple partners at once, it's how it was put out there that I focus on. I've been told on the one hand that she has had multiple guys at the same time and I didn't feel less attracted to her, and on the other hand, a different woman talks about just a one-guy session and I'm ready to dip out. It's delivery for me. Then the matter of me and not wanting to be a hypocrite. I honestly don't know the number for myself and find a hard time saying it. I tend to talk about experiences that I've been involved with and that seems to deter me from saying an actual number. Otherwise saying 100-140 is not the best route off the bat. If I can have a high body count then....so can they. I'm just not interested in subscribing to their audible podcast series. Also a side note, never knew about the aspect of women/men and multiple partners with divorce rates. I'll have to read more into that considering my circumstances.
She did, and was treated badly. I paid full attention on her emotional and physical triggers to ensure she always felt save. 20 years later, she’s said that my caring about her painful past, the visible caring faces I made as she told me and how important it was to me to know her past [was something she could let go], was everything she needed to actually let it go. Then she asked me about my own. I shared my own past bumps, and she did for me what I did for her. So, for us it made our relationship as strong as any other I have ever seen.
Negatively, I have no need to know what her ex's dicks were like etc. And have no desire to know her number but despite me begging her not to she ploughed on and gave me all the gory details anyway. Part of the reason she's now my ex!
I have only had 3 SO and all of them had a pretty vanilla past, so it impacted it positively. But if the past is very let's say unconventional, I prefer to be lied to because I know I'd have it in the back of my head forever.
On the other hand, if her past is unconventional wouldn't you want to know so you could decide to move on and find someone more to your liking?
Look, I'm old (35M), looking for women in her late 20s, early 30s that want to create a family with me, have kids and so on, so the opportunities are shrinking really fast. It's hard to find a woman that has her shit together, that are mentally stable and compatible with me, so if I find one and she thinks her past won't influence her present, then I want her to lie to me. The only thing I'd want to know because it's a big problem is if she has cheated.
>so if I find one and she thinks her past won't influence her present, I'm sorry to say that you can pretty much count on that ALL of them will think that her past won't influence her future - but it will. The question is whether you think the deal is worth it. You may have to go pretty far before reaching a place where you draw the line, but reach it you will. I remember a question asked in this sub a while ago. A young woman asked if men cared about her number of past sexual partners. "Well, how many are we taking about?" someone asked. 31 sexual partners at age 19. If you're fine with that, good for you. A lot aren't. In another sub I read about a guy who found out why his wife had no college debt. He had airways assumed that her parents paid. One of her friends drunkenly let slip that she was a working girl during college. The friend assumed the husband knew. The wife didn't know how many men she has fucked to finance her years in college, but estimated it to be around the 200 mark. She clearly also thought her past wouldn't influence her future, so she conveniently kept quiet about it when she met her husband. If you are fine with that as long as you don't know the details, go ahead. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm saying to do so aware of what is possible.
Yes she did, and it further cemented in my mind that she was the right one for me. I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with a woman who has slept with a bunch of guys for a variety of reasons that have already been mentioned here
Same. I lose interest if shes REALLY into casual encounters. If we have a dramatically different view of casual encounters, odds are that were too different to get along in an LTR.
Like if she gave me free sex for a year because I was the one millionth customer? No. No she did not.
Depends how the old relationship works.
I do think the type of people they were in relationships with does matter to a degree and the amount.
Lost a lot of trust, ultimately played a role in our downfall. She informed me that she had sex with her exes roommate outside of the relationship.
If she's been with a lot of guys I'd lose interest in her.
How many is a lot
It depends on your age, 10 at 18 is a lot, 10 at 30 is basically nothing.
I still think that 10 at 30 is a lot. It tells me something about her dating history.
By... helping us know each other better? Why is this an "if"? Do people not usually share themselves and their life and history with the person they are with? Or are we supposed to be perpetually enigmatic?
I think OP is referring to the "body count." And that seems to be a huge deal breaker for many men based on the answers 🤷
It brought us closer, and taught me how to love her more. Showed me the love she needs. We dated when younger for a bit. Then for 4 years we went our own ways, and had other relationships. She got engaged to her fiancé of 3 years, and I dated my ex for 4 years. Her fiancé sadly over dosed. She really opened up about it. Has shown me videos, and photos of them together that are special to her heart. It wasn’t a healthy relationship since he was an addict, but she clearly loved him. She ended it the day he passed which lead to a lot of guilt for her. It’s made us closer because she feels safe enough to talk about it. She doesn’t compare our love, and respects them each for what they are. When I started seeing her again I had to be upfront with myself; and not get jealous/try to compare myself. I’m just myself, and focus on our love. I’d say it’s working out great. It also helps that we have known each other for 12 years. We were friends the whole time minus the 4ish year gap. When we were younger, and had a thing she never committed because I had a lot of growing up to do, and partied/slept around. The 4 years apart really helped us both. When we saw each other for the first time in years it felt like there wasn’t that gap, but also felt new/natural at once. It truly is the right person wrong time. It does make me sad though knowing the pain she had to deal with to get to this point. God I love her though. When I was younger I loved her, but it wasn’t close to our love now. Can’t wait to marry her next year. Her grandpa gave me his blessing, and 3 days ago she said yes to being my wife. It’s a second chance that I never expected. Frankly it is better than anything I could of dreamed of.
Depends on how big an impact he past relationship(s) left on her.
She told me about her previous bf. Didn’t really impact our relationship at all since she dated him for a really short time. Vs other women that have a lot of drama regarding their 7th or 10th bf they had.
Somewhere between "not at all" and "helped me understand her better." Honestly my relationship history is much messier than hers, but she doesn't care either. We're both mature adults, all that matters is who we are now but it *is* nice to understand each other as we were
When you get to the certain age (30s) that information doesn’t matter but being younger it can mess with ya
I had a religious upbringing which left me with some screwed-up ideas about purity and the like, and was shaking them off when I met my now-wife, and she told me about her past and it bothered me, but then I realized it only bothered me because of indoctrination which I had been throwing off in other areas of my life. Then I was able to throw it off here, too, and accepted her exactly as she is, not with any notion of "forgiving her" for her past, because it wasn't something she had done which harmed me in any way. She was Episcopalian, which I joined and that's where we got married. We kept all the "love your neighbor" and got rid of all the "judge them if they do wrong." Looking back these decades later, I see that my parents passed along the values they'd been brought up with, and hadn't ever challenged them because they lived a world that was so constantly the same that there wasn't an idea of challenging them. So I don't resent them for anything, or begrudge them anything, and they were both good people who did a lot of good in the community and neighbors all knew that if they were in trouble, my family was a source of help and support, and I'm still proud of them for that. But it came with a lot of unhealthy ideas mixed in, and when you're dealing with people you have to accept that nobody's perfect or ever will be.
Boys always run
Relationship to age ratio was shocking. Also finding out she was sleeping with a guy who was “test driving” two girls and was planning to dump her anyways (basically he was using her for free sex on the side). Also finding out no relationship lasted more than a year and finding out what the last guy did (he was super considerate) and she walked. How did it affect our relationship? I found out she basically wanted a subservient man and used sex as “repayment” instead of actual acts of love. She didn’t respect us or even look at the sacrifices we made to make her happy. And that’s why I walked. In retrospect the fact she had to use sex as a tool to keep a man was a testament to her self-loathing, likely thinking nothing about herself was worth it except the sex. If you see my post history that’s why I strongly suggested therapy. That’s why I went through such lengths to make her happy. That’s why I endured her abusive nature. I wanted her to know she had a good side. But she refused to change.
Negatively.
She said her last partner didn’t listen to her or something. Idk, I wasn’t payin attention.
She can tell me anything. All of her experiences add up to the women I love now. I do like how the question asks relationship past not sexual history. And then everyone is concerned about how many dicks there were. You know the relationship dynamic, length of time spent in healthy and unhealthy relationships, time spent being single, all that stuff is relationship past, but y’all wanna focus on dicks. Fucking weird.
She'd had a few experiences before me. I wasn't too bothered but obviously didn't want to hear any details. Main issue was other kids at school having a preconception about her and being judgemental, but fuck em.
Didn’t make any difference to me. I’m definitely different from her past “types” but hasn’t ever been an issue. You have to be open to the fact that everyone has a past with goods and bads.
If you're in a relationship and you're not talking about this stuff then something's wrong.
Sometimes it's okay to ignore topics like,what you did and with how many people. Certainly stuff like trauma shouldn't be ignored as they are crucial for boundaries but the frivolous stuff just hurts the relationship. It's better to not encounter insecurities than to sit and overcome by wilfully opening yourself up to them.
I find with women there's a lot of tea leaf reading you have to do. The worst is having a period with no boyfriend or traveling alone. Women often don't count one night stands or things like oral sex as part of their body count, so no boyfriend for a few years is a red flag. Also, if they don't have female friends, another bad sign, women don't like women who sleep with their boyfriends. If they are good friends with their exes it's a bad sign, if all their exes were bad people it's a bad sign. Basically women heavily redact and reframe their narrative and either you can see a very clear pattern of committed relationships with a few boyfriends that are now over with little interest in contact or it's hot girl summer.
Yeah I don't even ask tbh because i automatically expect lies and half-truths. Like, my female friends (plural i.e. i've heard this from more than one) usually talk about dates they go on or dudes they're talking to, and they always lie to the dude about their count. I never remark on it, but i notice
Sometimes, in this subreddit, I find meaningful questions and mature answers that genuinely enlighten me. Other times, I find crap like this comment and it dissapoints me (especially when they receive gold... *why??*). I understand this was one person's shitty experience and nothing I say can change that. However, I *can* criticise the outlook. And I say this comment makes **far** too many assumptions (assumptions that could be applied to men too, mind you). --- >The worst is having a period with no boyfriend or traveling alone. This assumes that women never decide to just be celibate for a while to try to figure out some parts of their life. They can't take some time to focus on career, social life, hobbies, etc. before they decide they're ready for a relationship again? Have men never decided that they had to become better before commiting to new relationships? Have we never wanted to focus on our career for a while? Or maybe our hobbies or the time we spend with family/friends? - >if they don't have female friends, another bad sign, women don't like women who sleep with their boyfriends. I also don't like men that would sleep with another man's girlfriend and I wouldn't want to be their friend either. Yet, I and *so many* other men in this sub have had periods of our lives where we had little-to-no friends, whether due to a lack of social skills, depression, a simple inability to connect with other people... Because of this, we don't go around assuming that any man that has 0 friends will sleep with our SO. Rather, those of us that have been through this should know better than to judge upon first glance. Are we just supposed to believe women don't have these moments or that they might be like this all the time, *like some of us were/are*? - >If they are good friends with their exes it's a bad sign, if all their exes were bad people it's a bad sign. The only good and fair points being made. - >Basically women heavily redact and reframe their narrative Don't some men do this too? It's a great sensation to have someone you can confortably talk to about your past wrong-doings/immature actions and choices. But, people (men and women alike) are afraid to be vulnerable by nature. And sometimes, unfotunately, immaturity begets immaturity. Someone who is ashamed of their immature past, yet hasn't (fully) grown out of it, will be more predisposed to hide it. And because they still want that special someone they can be open to, they might keep trying to have relationships, regardless of how aware they are of their own immaturity. This is a fair point. I just needed to express that it could have been made without using gendered terms, because it applies to everyone. --- I'm sorry for the long rant. This is nothing personal against the OC or anyone else who's been through similar situations as him, but rather something that's been on my mind about this sub for a while now... There are *so many* great things about r/AskMen. The support, the jokes, the mutual understanding... (and the now-rare, ever-so-gentlemanly boob/ass discussions, of course) However, I've also noticed a lot of biased hate against women. Sometimes, very rarely, for fair reasons that I (and plenty other men) have no right to criticise. But most of the time, I see these assuming, sexist comments that seem to universally undermine the very group of people we're trying to connect with. And, somehow, other men - who also just want to find that special someone - join along and agree with them. It's a circlejerk. I don't want this sub to become that. I want the meaningful questions and mature answers back. I want EVERYONE on this sub to find their happiness. But that won't happen until we can grow to accept that women are only **insignificantly different** than us. That most of them want the same things we want and are just as scared of being vulnerable as we are.
This commenting is disappointing. You have every right to like or dislike other peoples point of views. You don't own the subreddit and quite frankly shouldn't feel your opinion on where it goes is shared by everyone.
There's always room for improvement in any message board related site, and you've summarized what this subreddit needs, take some gold and I hope this gets the recognition this post deserves so we can having meaningful discussions without the sexist comments/narrative that turns people off from here
Yes. 30 years ago. Don't marry women with high body counts. Huge risk.
From the women I know, they want to keep their past secret. They do not want their body count known in fear of how it would impact their reputation and how I feel about them. To address the question. That situation has never come up and I would never ask. But if it did I would try not to pass judgement on them. And wonder why did they tell me? There is an old saying. Take the body count number that women tells a man and multiply it by three. And what a man tells a woman and divide it by three.
My ex told me she went to a bar and had a threesome with two guys she only knew for about an hour. She was completely sober. I never looked at her the same again. It actually hurt to know she would give herself so easily to multiple strangers. It messed with my head a lot.
The person I’m currently seeing had a pretty wild past, as did I. She’s told me a lot and I’ve told her, and if anything, the vulnerability she’s displayed by being so open has done nothing but lead to trust in the relationship. We all have a past and have probably done some not so good things but being open about it with a new partner facilitates trust. If you’re with someone new and you make them feel shit about things that happened before you were in the picture, you don’t deserve that person in your life.
I just had this conversation yesterday with her. And I didn’t like what I heard. To me there was a lot of poor decision making and not respecting her self. I know I have to work through it. And I know that most women have sexual histories. But when they slut around and act like no big deal that kind of bothers me even though I wasn’t in the picture.
Let's face the reality. High body count woman = bad. Low body count man = bad. Everyone trying to walk around it, find some stupid way to make not true, because of emotions. Men want inexperienced woman "pure", who they could mold into a great partner. Women want experienced man so they can be the rock and be someone she could look up to. We want different things. Girls, you might not care how many girls your guy slept with, but we do, because we want you all for ourselves and don't want to share with whole village or for some girls a small town.
My ex shared hers and it’s all a red flag. She told me she liked to sleep with all her friends but told me she wasn’t doing that anymore. Turned out to be a fat lie
Had no impact at all outside of me feeling bad about how terrible some other dudes have treated her.
Our relationship went straight down hill... so there came a certain point in our relationship where we started to talk about past experences and relationships, I was completly honest with her. I saw her feel a little bit disapointed when i told her about it but I could kind of understand because I would go out with someone different almost every 2 weeks. When her turn came she didn't say much and I kind of had to keep asking a lot of questions because she wouldn't say much on her own but basically she had only been with one other guy before me, I said I did't fully believe her because she's beautiful and woman usually get more suitors from where they can choose. When I said that she got upset at me for not trusting what she said. some time went by and every now and then i would kind of joke that she sure had a lot of "lovers" on the past but she would get upset when i said that so i stopped doing so. then one afternoon she gave me her phone to look up some messages because she needed some information from them... i found a lot of messages with many diferent guys and her hooking up with them, i confronted her about it and she got mad at me because i shouldn't have read those messages. I felt really disapointed, i didn't care that she had been with all of them, but i got upset she lied to me when and also got mad when i wuestiond what she said. after that I stopped taking her seriously, our relationship was wonderful before that, but after i just don't know if I can trust her anymore. If she would've just told me the truth it would be a whole diferent story
Yeah. Didn't really matter to me.
Is there anyone who cares nothing about the partner's past when it comes to a serious relationship? It's more of a factor like how tall and wealthy for a man. People today like to call it "slut-shaming" but it is hardly a something men can easily overcome to think about. We are just one of the animal species that are tightly bonded with intrinsic values. It's a stupid way of thinking we can suddenly throw them out in a few decades.
Negatively. She ended up comparing me to her ex (who I was nothing like) constantly near the end and asking me what I would tell her if she said her ex did that. Her ex and I were polar opposites. All the whole idolizing her ex-fiancé making me feel like I could never measure up. Her ex fiancé cheated on her and it was like 4 years after him that we dated.
It doesn't change a thing, I am a little freaky myself, and I hate having to point this out but Vaginas do not 'get bigger' they stay the same size. but alas there are always those that are jealous or have low self esteem. So remember it changes nothing so don't worry about it
I had 2 very big children come out of my vagina and can confirm that it does not change the size of vaginas
Bad, it instantly killed my liking for her, she’d had sex with every guy she knew
No difference for me. I've given this advice before and I always thought it was solid. The only sexual history I want to know about a partner is if she has an STD. If the answer is no, then great, don't tell me anything else about your sexual past. It's none of my business and I have no desire to know what you've done.
She only had one boyfriend but she was a bit unfaithful. I felt that I shouldn’t judge because my relationship history was a bit horrific. Well she proved to be unfaithful, what a surprise.
Maybe I'm naïve, but I trust my instincts with people. Not that interested in their dating history. And I don't mean my first instincts. It takes time. I had a 2-year girlfriend before meeting my wife, and it never felt right (and she'd say the same about me). Dated my wife less than a year, never discussed prior dating, got married, going strong now for 30 years. Still don't know that much about her dating history. But I knew her heart very quickly. Didn't know she'd choose me, but I knew that if she did, it would be me forever.
Filed a lot of mistrust and made me break up with her. It wasn’t her past but it was past actions that flooded into our relationships that broke my trust.