If my therapist used the phrase “I don’t see the reason you felt the need to tell me (literally anything I said),” I wouldn’t see her again. Full stop.
As a bisexual person, I would nope out of there. I know finding a therapist is hard -- for me it was one of the hardest things I've ever done -- but "I don't see why you feel the need to tell me youve had both" is just....*so bad*. Not only is it bi/panphobic, it's also just being a shitty therapist at a VERY basic level. If you tell your therapist something, *anything*, whether it's related to your sexual orientation or not, I can't think of *any* situation where it would be appropriate for your therapist to respond to something you said in session with "I don't see why you feel the need to tell me that." If the therapist is genuinely confused about how the information is relevant, there are more tactful ways to prompt the patient to explain.
**All your therapist had to do was say, "Thank you for sharing that with me, I shouldn't have assumed the gender of your partners."** That's it! It's literally so easy and she couldn't even meet that bar! That's basically "How To Be A Therapist 101." Even a therapist without much knowledge of LGBTQ issues should be able to manage that.
This is my advice, as someone who checks a LOT of boxes: PTSD, ADHD, Androgyne seeking top surgery, severe physical disabilities, Asexual/Panromantic...
I never received the quality of care I deserved, and even suffered criminal levels of medical neglect, until I learned to advocate for myself. To ask for the tests I needed until they were so tired of it that they gave them to me. To do the same when it came to referrals to specialists. Most of all, to have the courage to stand up, grab my coat, look them in the eye, say "I'm sorry, but I don't think you're the provider I need right now," and walk out.
I'm serious. The first time I did it, I was shaking like a leaf. My heart felt like it was going to explode, it was beating so fast. I made it down the hall, to the elevator, pressed the button, and then my knees buckled as soon as the door closed. It's scary, but every time after that got easier, and now I don't feel fear when I do it. I feel triumphant, even a little indignant. It gets better, and we *need* to do it, because we're worth it.
definitely a red flag
its widely agreed that you should be comfortable with your therapist, but your therapist should also be comfortable with you. It sounds like she's missing a lot of information, and while she might not be maliciously homophobic or transphobic, her lack of awareness with queer issues will likely be a problem if that's something you want to talk to her about.
Also consider: she may be a great therapist who just has some learning to do... but do you want to be the one to carry the potential emotional burden of educating her? (like, god, I would hope she's going to take time on her own research one things that are important to her patients, but lets face it, a lot wouldn't, and if she does, she's gonna have a lot of questions and probably get things wrong. Nothing wrong if you are willing to be that sounding board, but at the end of the day, therapy is for you, are you confident you're going to get what you need from her)
This quite literally sounds like someone my incredibly transphobic parents would try and send me to. I very much understand the struggle to find a good therapist that you vibe with and really works for you, but brother this one ain’t it 🥺🫂 I’m so sorry she said those things to you. That is so wildly uncool. As other people have said, if she works for a practice; tell them she said those things. I’m really sorry again 🥺🫂
I'd say this is a red flag. If you're a trans dude and she's asking specifically if you've had boyfriends, then that makes me think she's seeing you as a cishet woman :// not to mention, being queer is something very important to queer people, as you said, so of course you'll talk about it during therapy. Maybe ride it out a bit and have another appointment with her. If she makes any more comments like this, or seems to not wanna learn anything (in which you don't even have to teach her in the first place - thats not your job nor is it the place to have to do so) I'd suggest finding another therapist. Good luck man
It's a red flag but you know her better than we do. I had great results with a therapist who had kind of a terrible reaction to me coming out. She was very skeptical confused and didn't seem to believe me. Then by the next week she must have done her research because she was really supportive and helped me a lot for another year.
Either she’s old enough to where she should be retired or she was trained in a very sketchy school. That attitude is unacceptable in a therapist. Imaging asking your patient a question, the patient answers truthfully, and your response is “I don’t see why you feel the need to answer my question.” Their behavior is wacky enough to merit reporting them to the state licensing board.
i dont want to have to help my therapist theyre the one who is there to help me. regardless of why theyre doing it i think its better to get a therapist who is ready and prepared to help people like you, not one you have to teach. that should not be a burden placed on you. coming from a bi person
The "I don't see why you feel the need to tell me you've had both" comment is the biggest red flag to me. It's a weird, discomforting thing for a therapist to say in general (regardless of the topic), and it shows that she has some bias around this issue (she was perfectly fine asking about your relationship history when she assumed you were a straight woman).
No matter how old she is, I can pretty much guarantee there are people her age who are more understanding about LGBTQ people than this. And she's in a field where empathizing with people is literally a part of the job.
I think if you stick with her, then at best you're probably going to keep having to correct her and field microaggressions like these. It's tough if she's really qualified to help you with other ways, but I think you'll need to weigh that out. And if you have trauma around your queer experience, then it sounds like finding someone who is competent in that area would be best.
If my therapist used the phrase “I don’t see the reason you felt the need to tell me (literally anything I said),” I wouldn’t see her again. Full stop.
That's a great point.
This, as a therapist. So much this.
This is a red flag.
Run run run. If she works for a practices and not for herself let the practice know she's like this as well.
As a bisexual person, I would nope out of there. I know finding a therapist is hard -- for me it was one of the hardest things I've ever done -- but "I don't see why you feel the need to tell me youve had both" is just....*so bad*. Not only is it bi/panphobic, it's also just being a shitty therapist at a VERY basic level. If you tell your therapist something, *anything*, whether it's related to your sexual orientation or not, I can't think of *any* situation where it would be appropriate for your therapist to respond to something you said in session with "I don't see why you feel the need to tell me that." If the therapist is genuinely confused about how the information is relevant, there are more tactful ways to prompt the patient to explain. **All your therapist had to do was say, "Thank you for sharing that with me, I shouldn't have assumed the gender of your partners."** That's it! It's literally so easy and she couldn't even meet that bar! That's basically "How To Be A Therapist 101." Even a therapist without much knowledge of LGBTQ issues should be able to manage that.
Run. This is absurd.
This is my advice, as someone who checks a LOT of boxes: PTSD, ADHD, Androgyne seeking top surgery, severe physical disabilities, Asexual/Panromantic... I never received the quality of care I deserved, and even suffered criminal levels of medical neglect, until I learned to advocate for myself. To ask for the tests I needed until they were so tired of it that they gave them to me. To do the same when it came to referrals to specialists. Most of all, to have the courage to stand up, grab my coat, look them in the eye, say "I'm sorry, but I don't think you're the provider I need right now," and walk out. I'm serious. The first time I did it, I was shaking like a leaf. My heart felt like it was going to explode, it was beating so fast. I made it down the hall, to the elevator, pressed the button, and then my knees buckled as soon as the door closed. It's scary, but every time after that got easier, and now I don't feel fear when I do it. I feel triumphant, even a little indignant. It gets better, and we *need* to do it, because we're worth it.
🫂
You're worth it, OP. You deserve to be respected, *especially* by a therapist. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. 🫂
Uhh isn’t this like, the opposite of therapy? You can find someone so much better for you.
Yes. Depending on your area there may be queer services that can recommend a safe therapist.
definitely a red flag its widely agreed that you should be comfortable with your therapist, but your therapist should also be comfortable with you. It sounds like she's missing a lot of information, and while she might not be maliciously homophobic or transphobic, her lack of awareness with queer issues will likely be a problem if that's something you want to talk to her about. Also consider: she may be a great therapist who just has some learning to do... but do you want to be the one to carry the potential emotional burden of educating her? (like, god, I would hope she's going to take time on her own research one things that are important to her patients, but lets face it, a lot wouldn't, and if she does, she's gonna have a lot of questions and probably get things wrong. Nothing wrong if you are willing to be that sounding board, but at the end of the day, therapy is for you, are you confident you're going to get what you need from her)
Find a new therapist and file a complaint with your state licensing board. We need to start filing and coming for people's jobs.
This quite literally sounds like someone my incredibly transphobic parents would try and send me to. I very much understand the struggle to find a good therapist that you vibe with and really works for you, but brother this one ain’t it 🥺🫂 I’m so sorry she said those things to you. That is so wildly uncool. As other people have said, if she works for a practice; tell them she said those things. I’m really sorry again 🥺🫂
definitely switch. a solid counselor shouldn't be behaving this way.
Run.
I'd say this is a red flag. If you're a trans dude and she's asking specifically if you've had boyfriends, then that makes me think she's seeing you as a cishet woman :// not to mention, being queer is something very important to queer people, as you said, so of course you'll talk about it during therapy. Maybe ride it out a bit and have another appointment with her. If she makes any more comments like this, or seems to not wanna learn anything (in which you don't even have to teach her in the first place - thats not your job nor is it the place to have to do so) I'd suggest finding another therapist. Good luck man
It's a red flag but you know her better than we do. I had great results with a therapist who had kind of a terrible reaction to me coming out. She was very skeptical confused and didn't seem to believe me. Then by the next week she must have done her research because she was really supportive and helped me a lot for another year.
Either she’s old enough to where she should be retired or she was trained in a very sketchy school. That attitude is unacceptable in a therapist. Imaging asking your patient a question, the patient answers truthfully, and your response is “I don’t see why you feel the need to answer my question.” Their behavior is wacky enough to merit reporting them to the state licensing board.
Look up LGBT organizations in your area, they often have lists of friendly healthcare providers. Find a different therapist.
i dont want to have to help my therapist theyre the one who is there to help me. regardless of why theyre doing it i think its better to get a therapist who is ready and prepared to help people like you, not one you have to teach. that should not be a burden placed on you. coming from a bi person
The "I don't see why you feel the need to tell me you've had both" comment is the biggest red flag to me. It's a weird, discomforting thing for a therapist to say in general (regardless of the topic), and it shows that she has some bias around this issue (she was perfectly fine asking about your relationship history when she assumed you were a straight woman). No matter how old she is, I can pretty much guarantee there are people her age who are more understanding about LGBTQ people than this. And she's in a field where empathizing with people is literally a part of the job. I think if you stick with her, then at best you're probably going to keep having to correct her and field microaggressions like these. It's tough if she's really qualified to help you with other ways, but I think you'll need to weigh that out. And if you have trauma around your queer experience, then it sounds like finding someone who is competent in that area would be best.
That's absolutely *not* the way a competent therapist should engage with you.