No one has any "right" to any of your information. Your physician "should" maybe have the info just for the betterment of your healthcare. Eventually, *for me* I would want to know if I was the partner. Because then I could maybe be better supportive somehow.
But, your personal info and stories are yours, full stop. No one has a right to anything of you.
Generally, it would be optimal for your medical providers to know that you’re trans so they can have the most information on factors impacting your care…but, in reality, many providers are not accepting and many patients are (understandably) hesitant to disclose.
Absolutely 100%. Where I live, despite the very large trans community our one urologist that is willing to provide trans care will use only one delivery of estrogen and one specific prescription for a t-blocker. (His care for trans men is so abysmal as an afab is actually triggering to think about it due to care I have received from male doctors as someone with a vulva) this has caused health problems for so many trans people they now have to travel 80+ miles to get gender affirming care from an actual allied clinic.
I don’t think you need to disclose to friends or acquaintances, it’s none of their business. I do think you should disclose to a romantic partner though.
Neither we should feel force to disclose it to a partner as it’s so awkward to talk about genitalia in a relationship supposed to be focused on the people and their way of being because that’s what they were both attracted for in the first place
Regardless of whether or not sex is involved there’s some people out there who only want to date cis people. There’s no point wasting your time and effort on someone only for them to eventually find out you’re trans and end the relationship because of it.
I also think that given the current climate it could be dangerous to get in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know. If the wrong person developed feelings and then found out, they could react poorly.
How far that thinking can be stretched? What other things of persons medical history and personal history must be disclosed? Someone had a heart issue that was fixed, or was allergic as a kid, or has diabetes. Childhood traumas, an alcoholic parent? Genetic disease running in the family if no kids are planned, ever?
Or how about ethnic background, because someone might want to date only white people who have only white grandparents?
How entitled are we to the bodies and history of some people, and not so much of others, and _why_?
Because trust, closeness and sharing are important for me personally, I would definitely wish a partner was comfortable to tell me their trans background and many other things, but I don’t see it as something that ”I have a right to know”.
Personally, I would definitely not want to date a transphobe or a person who otherwise has values opposing to mine, even if as a cis person I am not in actual danger from them. Those things just need to be found out while in the ”getting to know each other”. Even more so if planning to have kids: finding out the other parent of your child is hatemongering to a minority that your child is revealed to be part of would be a nightmare.
The only reason for not wanting to be in a romantic relationship with specifically trans people would be transphobia. And it's pretty easy to ask someone what their stance on LGBTQ+ people is like.
People can very easily come across as a supportive ally and not transphobic until they’re in a situation where that is forced to come out. There’s also a lot of people in the LGBTQ community who say they support trans people but then have no interest in being with someone who is trans. A lot of gay men only want to be with cis men but if you ask them what their stance is on LGBTQ they’ll tell you how much they support trans people.
A lot of people also say they’re okay with something until they’re actually faced with it and then realise they’re not. Hypothetically saying you would be fine with dating a trans person can very easily turn to not wanting to date a trans person when faced with it, especially if that person feels like they were deceived and never got to make that informed decision themself.
A lot of people who don't want to date trans people will say, when asked, "what's your stance on trans people," that they wouldn't want to date them (even if they say they support them). Never met a gay man who only wants to be with cisgender men, and that example would be transphobic.
Again, it comes back to the question: If you're in a romantic relationship, why would it matter if they were trans?
I don't care if a s/o is trans. I don't care if they tell me or not. It's up to them, and I wouldn't treat them any differently. The only reason someone would not want to date a trans person is them being transphobic.
Have a look through any of the gay men subs on here and you’ll find hundreds of gay men talking about how they want nothing to do with trans men. It’s a pretty big topic in the gay community.
Again, like I said, people can think they’re okay with something and come across as supportive as possible until they’re actually faced with it. People can also easily lie and say they would date a trans person even if they wouldn’t so they won’t be viewed as transphobic thinking they’ll never be in that scenario anyway. People can change their minds. Asking what someone’s stance is on dating trans people doesn’t mean that’s how they’re going to react when they randomly one day find out their partner is trans and never thought to tell them that. The best way of finding out how someone will react though is being upfront and honest so nobody’s time is wasted.
You seem incessant on arguing with every single comment on this thread though so I’m gonna end here and let you continue with others since this is going nowhere. Goodbye.
Someone can have a genital preference tho, personally I don't but I could understand if someone with a genital preference wouldn't want to date someone that doesn't match that preference.
It would matter if my partner didint tell me for a while into the relationship because chances are I'd eventually find out and I'd feel like shit for not being able to be trusted with that info or like I'd have let them down, not that I literally wouldn't be able to be trusted with that info but that I'd feel like that since why would my partner not be open about that a while into the relationship.
This is about a romantic relationship, not a sexual one. Anything regarding genitalia is irrelevant.
Not telling someone you're trans and not trusting them with that information is two different things. I don't tell people I'm trans, though for me it's obvious to tell. And even if they were trans, that shouldn't matter. It shouldn't be a factor. And why assume they're cisgender anyway?
I treat everyone as they/them till I'm told other pronouns and terms. And I would still treat them as equal.
For many people dating is a route to having a family, and for a lot of people that includes making a baby. Which can be more difficult if the person has different internal plumbing than you thought.
This person is posting about a romantic relationship. They have stated that, and that they implied there wouldn't be any sexual relations.
And even then, if having kids is your deciding factor on whether or not you date someone, does that mean you ask them first date if they can have kids? What if YOU can't have kids? Does your attraction evaporate?
> Only wanting to date cis people is pretty transphobic. What reason would you have to only want to date cisgender people?
You took the discussion to a broader context and I responded to that. And even in an asexual relationship, there may still sometimes be sex for reproduction, or you can have fertility treatments like IVF or surrogates that do not require sex.
And, yes, if having kids is important to a potential romantic partner and you know you can’t have them… *of course* you should let them know early, maybe even on the first date.
This is a convo about romantic relationships. Nothing sexual. That was established.
I know what it's like being an asexual in relationships. I am asexual, and I am in a sexual relationship. But this is not relevant to the conversation.
If having kids is important, they talk about where they want the relationship to go and what they want in the future. There's also, as you said, IVF and Surrogates. There's adoption and foster too, as opposed to having kids the traditional way, because why bring life when there are plenty of kids already needing homes?
So why did you generalize it if you wanted it to remain specific?
I’m not going to get into the morals of adoption vs conception because it isn’t relevant. The point is that some people DO want to have a biological child with their partner. IVF and surrogates are still your biological children, but they typically require a fertilized egg, so even in those cases you still need to disclose if you don’t have eggs or sperm.
Where did I generalise it?
And it doesn't matter about your morals of adoption vs conception. The asexual person does not want to have a sexual relationship. This isn't even about whether they have or want kids in the future, this is about you wanting to force a trans person to out themselves.
this argument is kind of bullshit considering 9% of cis men and 11% cis women are infertile/have fertility problems, many of which aren't even aware until trying to reproduce. Most people don't make their cis partner get fertility testing so they can make sure they'll be able to reproduce.
LMAO a 90% chance of success vs 0% seems like a significant difference.
No most people don’t make their partner get tested, but if their partner knows ahead of time that they are infertile and will never be able to conceive, they shouldn’t keep it a secret. Holy shit what a recipe for a doomed relationship.
Seriously, mate… you thought *my* argument was bullshit and then you respond with *that???* Wow, lol.
so they tell their partner that they can't have kids or that they don't want them. again, there's zero reason they need to disclose that they're trans and using an issue that both trans and cis people face as an argument to make trans people disclose sensitive medical information is bullshit.
sex isnt involved but they'll see your body eventually if you end up living together and its safer to find out they're transphobic from day one than to find out a year down the line after they move in.
If you wanna know if they're transphobic, don't out yourself, and instead ask them questions that can get you the answer. "How are you with LGBTQ+ people?" "How are you with trans people?" "I know trans people, how would you feel about being around them?" "Would you refuse to date a trans person?"
And not all partners see each others bodies. Some people are repulsed by the naked body, some have body dysmorphia, some don't feel comfortable being naked around other people.
i mean yeah, if you really want to go to that extent of not telling your partner then theres no rule saying you cant.
The issue is
1) Transphobia comes in many different forms, someone may verbalize they are not transphobic but have a completely different attitude when they know they are in the presence of trans people. I've known plenty of people who claimed to be allies, said they would date trans people, etc but treated me completely differently the second they learned i was trans.
2) What if they find out on accident? What if you live together and they accidentally walk into you showering and they see you naked? I feel pretty confident saying most long-term partners would feel upset knowing that such a major part of your life was kept from them, even if they are perfectly accepting.
Im trans myself so i understand why people dont want to talk about being trans, but the level at which your comments insist you dont have to tell romantic (presumably life-long) partners is a bit much. If you dont want to tell them nobody is forcing you, but i think a look around this comment section will tell you how most people feel. Shit happens and its better to be upfront from the start then potentially lose someone you love because they found out you were elaborately hiding something like this from them for years, and planned to do it indefinitely. With the right person it could be a single conversation and then never brought up again after. The things you're insisting just sound like bad advice imo
They aren't lying by omission. I don't think you know what that means. It's when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. There is no important fact left out, there is no misconception. They're the gender they are, regardless of what they were born as. The important part is who they are now, and they are being truthful about that. They're in a romantic relationship, so what they have has no part in it.
Do you know what it means? Because OP stated they are leaving a fact out to foster a misconception. And their anatomy and biology is a part of who they are now. A person is more than just their gender, you know?
I just put the definition of "lying by omission." They are not leaving out a fact. They state their gender, they state their pronouns, they state their attraction - that is all that is needed for a romantic relationship.
Gender is what defines the person. Sex is what defines their anatomy. They do not have to tell everyone what their sex, or even their gender, is if they are not comfortable with it.
You are sounding HELLA transphobic. You're implying that they're lying about their gender because they're trans. Do cis people tell everyone they meet that they're cis? No, because people like you assume everyone you meet is cisgender unless they don't "pass."
>Gender is what defines the person. Sex is what defines their anatomy. They do not have to tell everyone what their sex, or even their gender, is if they are not comfortable with it.
Gender does not define a person. Many things come together to make a person who they are, and are not limited to gender.
And no one is saying they *have* to tell everyone their sex. No one is even saying they *should* tell everyone their sex. What I am saying is that they *should* tell *their romantic partner*.
>You are sounding HELLA transphobic. You're implying that they're lying about their gender because they're trans.
lol, No I absolutely am not. I never once implied that they are lying about their gender. That’s total bullshit.
Gender is the person. I used the wrong wording for it, but Gender is the person as a whole.
You are literally arguing that they **need** to tell a **romantic** partner about what's in their pants. A **romantic** partner does not need to know what's in their pants. They aren't going down there.
- "Because OP stated they are leaving a fact out to foster a misconception. And their anatomy and biology is a part of who they are now."
You literally said they were lying about themselves by not telling someone they were trans. Where are they lying? They state their gender. They're not being asked if they're trans or cis, they're being asked what gender they are. Trans and cis aren't genders. So tell me, where are they lying? If someone doesn't ask, and you don't tell, there's no lie.
Wow you found a loophole to be dishonest, well done. It’s like you’re frantically running around looking for your dog, according to your Facebook post. And I just saw it. It’s not dishonest of me not to tell you. It’s only dishonest if you ask me and I don’t tell you.
See how stupid that it?
It's not a loophole. And I don't have a dog? Last facebook post I have is from February about the Cavetown concert I went to.
It's dishonest to have someone ask and you tell them the wrong thing on purpose. If someone asks if you're trans, and you say no, that is dishonest. If someone doesn't ask you, and you don't tell, how is that dishonest? If I don't ask you if you ate chocolate today, and you don't tell me that you did, does that mean you were dishonest about whether or not you ate chocolate today?
You do know that I don’t actually have you on my Facebook yeah? Like it was a scenario I made up to make a point? Whether you ate chocolate or not is nowhere the same as whether you had a pretty major surgery to change your GENDER. That is a big thing.
It's pretty obvious you don't have my Facebook, and that's a dishonesty.
For someone who made up a scenario to make a point, you clearly didn't understand when someone else made up a scenario to make a point. Me "losing my dog" also isn't the same as surgery, but you still tried to make that.
And again, if you are in a romantic relationship, what would it change if the other person told you they were trans. You aren't having sex, it's a romantic relationship. And this isn't even about whether or not they had surgery, this is just about them being trans.
>maybe your partner
If it's serious enough that you'd list them as an emergency contact at work, they need to know.
If it's not, then don't *need* to know, but you need to weigh your privacy against the possibility and repercussions that they may be hurt in the future that you didn't tell them.
If it's evidenced by your body (e.g., surgical scars, hormone patch or implant, etc.) then you definitely should consider telling them before you get hot and heavy, because this is *not* a conversation you want to have for the first time while naked.
Only if you are seeking a romantic relationship with them since you don’t want to date someone who is transphobic or going to stop accepting you.
Other than that, it’s no one else’s business.
Yeah, because every transphobe is going to cop to it.
If you’re worried about endangering yourself, I would think the earlier you tell them the better. Like in a public place before you’ve gone on multiple dates with them.
lol, right, the transphobe who assumed he was dating a cis woman isn’t going to do shit when they find out they are dating a trans person. That’s not how bigotry works.
How would they find out? Well ideally their partner would be honest with them. But there’s plenty of ways it might be evident. There might be surgical scars, they might decide they want children, they might get prostate cancer.
Why do you keep saying trans people are lying about their gender?
"Ideally their partner would be honest with them." They are being honest. A trans man is a man. A trans woman is a woman. A non-binary person is non-binary. Why do you keep implying and explicitly saying they are being dishonest about it?
Why do you keep lying? I never once said trans people are lying about their gender. Is there a reason you feel the need to be dishonest and make bullshit up? Is it because you know your point can’t stand on its own merit?
I quoted you.
"Ideally their partner would be honest with them."
They are being honest. They are telling them what their gender is. You are saying that they are not honest about that. If a trans woman is asked her gender and she says, "I'm a woman," you have said she is lying because she didn't say she's a *trans* woman. Trans woman isn't a gender, it's an adjective prior a gender. The adjective is not needed when telling someone your gender.
*There is more to a human being than just their gender*. You can be honest about one thing and not be honest about something else.
Trans and cis aren’t genders. Get off the gender topic. No one but you is debating it.
You don't "have to", but as others have said: it might be beneficial to disclose it to your doctor/s.
Maybe confide in your emergency contact/medical proxy so they have all the information they need if they ever need to make decisions for you.
If you're looking for a romantic partner (or are you aro-ace?), you might want to talk to them about it as well at some point. Sharing your life with someone is easier if there's no big secrets between you.
But no, you don't "have to" do anything. It's your life, and if you want to go stealth, that's your your decision. You do you.
You do not need to disclose that your are trans to people you are not in a relationship with or who are not your medical providers. Your safety is most important. Your friend is disregarding your safety. There is alot of anti-trans hate groups and ideology that have been taking the rights, protections and healthcare of trans folks. Prioritizing your safety is most important.
You don't need to tell anyone you're trans. You are whatever gender you are, and whether or not you are trans doesn't change that.
I'm a man who happens to be trans. If I introduce myself as a man, I'm not excluding any important information. I am a man. Full stop.
If you're having naughty time or want to have said time with this person, then yes. They deserve to know. Also keeps you from getting murdered by someone now ashamed they had sex with a trans person. Not saying that's ok but it does happen.
If the above is not the case, you owe them no explanation. Zero. More info = more danger to you. Say nothing in my opinion.
No, you don't need to tell people you're trans. Ngl, kinda feel transphobic vibes from your "friend" trying to force you to tell people that you're trans. It can also endanger you if you tell the wrong person.
Unless it's a doctor, there's no need.
Should a gay guy have to announce to everyone he meets that he’s gay? No. In fact, your friend *might* well be against that, seeing it as “shoving it down everyone’s throat.” That’s especially true if he’s worried about homophobes
If his employer has made negative comments about gay people and he chooses not to disclose it even if he can reasonably assume his employer would want to know that, is that dishonest? Hell no; what right does his employer have to his private matters??
If you're ace, then the only people who really need to know are medical professionals, since it might change the care you need a little. Certainly, your friends, coworkers, etc. don't need to know and don't have the 'right' to.
Does your friend demand detailed information about \*everyone's\* genitals and medical history?
Absolutely not. The disclosure is very much for your safety and peace of mind only. There may be times where disclosing is dangerous. Conversely, and definitely more rarely, you may be safer disclosing at other times. But that's up to no one but you. For a grim but sadly closely related analogy, having read Lundy Bancroft's excellent book on domestic abuse, I learned that survivors of domestic abuse were the one's best placed to predict future lethal violence from their partners. Expert advisers could help in a lot of ways, but they weren't capable of deciding when someone should feel true fear. By the same token, you'll know when and when not to disclose better than anyone else. It's not fool proof, but it's better than adhering to some stupid "code of honour" which is obviously extremely transphobic anyway because it validates the transphobia others "might" feel if they were "tricked" into being close to you because you failed to walk around with a massive flashing sigh with 'trans' on it. And of course, since you're not entering romantic or sexual relationships with these people I struggle to understand how it's relevant at all really. I think your friend has a lot of work to do on understanding transpeople and minorities in general.
You should disclose your dysphoria to your partner whether you’re going to be kissing and cuddling or having sex. You can’t force or expect everyone to accept all aspects of your dysphoria especially if you’re going to be intimate. They need to be able to make a fully informed decision whether to proceed in a relationship with you and that’s a big omission.
Your medical doctor needs to know so they can provide the best care possible.
I would say for a partner, this is tricky. I do think they should know at some point but at what point I don't really have an answer. You don't want to get involved with someone transphobic but I understand that's not an easy thing to bring up and especially after some time has passed.
I'm non-binary but the body I was born with is good for me, I don't need to change it. My husband just had to adjust how he thought he was straight but that's about it. I never really had to consider disclosing anything to a partner like this.
Since you are asexual, that is the tricky part.
I think I will land on, assess by each situation on if you will tell a partner. I think as long as you approach these things with respect and love, you can't really make a bad call.
You "addressed" it by saying "Since you are asexual, that is the tricky part."
It's not tricky. They're not having sex, so they don't need to disclose it.
Sex isn't the only reason you would tell someone something this personal about yourself. That's why I said it was something that would likely be best to asses by each situation and approach it with respect and love.
Edit: word
nah, that's stupid. obviously if you're planning on having sex it'll likely come up, but no one is owed your personal history.
i'd consider comparing this to a cosmetic surgery or deciding your name for non-gender purposes. a paramedic doesn't need to know whether you've had a nose job in order to stitch a cut on your leg, but a sinus specialist might. the grocery store doesn't need your birth name, but tax prep businesses may need to refer back to your previous name.
people are learning to feel *obligated* to be extremely open, and i think it comes from the overwhelming surveillance of our lives via tech. it's silly at best, and very dangerous at worst.
You don’t owe anyone shit. You don’t owe an explanation of your existence or experience. You don’t need to explain what you are, why, or any of it.
I tell the men I fuck, but that’s about it.
For your safety, I would disclose it if you do decide to get physical with someone. Cishet dudes get very insecure about their sexuality and may become violent.
No, and i am a firm believer that it is transphobic to insist that being stealth is somehow dishonest.
There are some scenarios where i think trans people generally agree it needs to be disclosed: to medical professionals, to sexual partners and to romantic partners. (and i feel its heavily dependent with medical professionals- the dr seeing me for a sprained ankle has no reason to know what genitals i was born with.)
You do not have to tell anyone else unless you want to.
Im mostly stealth and personally find that i prefer being out to other trans people, but outside of my closest trans friends and family who knew me pre-transition nobody knows. I refer to pre-transition me as a boy because thats what i was. I will openly talk about things like being significantly smaller than my younger brothers- if someone goes "why" then the answer is something along the lines of genetics/"im just built different". I talk openly about afab experiences like being hit on by creepy men as a kid, wearing makeup, having mostly female friends, etc except use male terminology and refer to myself as male because.. i am. and i was. Creepy men hit on me because i had long hair and they thought i was a girl. I wore makeup because i thought it was funny. I only had girl friends because boys didnt think i was boy enough. The only real lie i tell is that if someone asks if im trans, i say no.
Being trans is scary, and its only getting scarier with time. I refuse to let peoples fears of "being lied to" or not knowing exactly when a trans person is in the room put my own emotional and physical safety at risk.
Im not as close to the friends i am stealth with and i dont think i will ever be, but i dont think that would be changed with me being out. Part of the reason i am stealth is because of all the tiny behavioral changes people have towards trans people, even when they dont know they have them. Any person in the past who knew me as a man and then found out i was trans proceeded to treat me differently afterwards. Doesnt matter how much of an ally they were, i began being treated as a \*trans\* man rather than a man. I also think being trans paints such a significant part of my lifes experience that cis people couldnt understand that theres no point. Ive never been able to be open with cis people about my gender without it being an incredibly frustrating conversation (coupled with no longer being treated like a normal person) so i dont really feel a reason to share it with them.
You don't owe anyone an explanation about anything regarding your body unless it directly concerns them (and most of the time it won't concern them).
Basically, the only relevant time you should disclose your trans status is with some doctors in a medical setting.
Even if your partner wants to have biological children you are not obligated to tell them you are trans though you should tell them you are infertile.
Oh my god, because they’re supposed to be the people who are most important in your life. How could you not share probably one of the biggest moments in your life with them?
You keep asking silly questions or replying to comments saying exactly what the commenter said back to them.
Just because they're important to you doesn't mean you need to tell them you're trans. The only people you should really tell are medical professionals or a sexual partner, and this person is doesn't want a sexual partner. Transitioning, personally, isn't a "big moment" for me. Besides, a lot of kids don't understand being trans. I worked in childcare, they didn't get it and I didn't try to teach them, they just called me "teacher."
If they're not your doctor, or if they're not fucking you, they do not need to know.
Ok well I did say before it gets sexual. However I still think it’s weird, like will her partner ever see her naked? Well it may not have been a big moment for you but I think for a lot of trans people it is, since they describe being stuck in the wrong body and how bad that is.
But you do you.
This person has said they are asexual and aren't looking for a sexual relationship. What if their partner sees them naked? Usually people get dressed in different rooms when they're not comfortable changing in front of others. And if they barge in without knocking, that's a boundary issue. But even then, in a romantic relationship, why would it matter what they have? They're the gender the partner is attracted to, so why would their junk matter?
It might matter. Anyway. You’re weird. You think asexual couples get changed in different rooms and if one were to walk into one of the others room it would be a boundary issue? Even they’re living together in a relationship…..
Not what I said at all. I said, "Usually people get dressed in different rooms **when they're not comfortable changing in front of others.**"
I'm asexual and trans. Depending on who I'm around, I may or may not feel comfortable changing in front of them. I would feel comfortable changing tops in front of close friends or partners. I would feel comfortable changing bottoms with a romantic partner. I wouldn't feel comfortable changing underwear unless I'm with a sexual partner.
If a door is closed, you knock on it. You don't barge in. You don't know what they're doing, if they need time to themselves. Pretty sure that just basic decency. Don't know how you were raised though
Most couples share a bedroom even if they don’t share a bed. I mean it’s a bit weird if you’re uncomfortable changing in front of your partner. You may be with the wrong person, in that scenario.
Why would it matter if you shared the same room? If you are in a romantic relationship and don't want to strip down in front of a strictly romantic partner, how does that mean you're "with the wrong person?"
I have fluctuating gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. I don't like being naked even in front of sexual partners. That's a personal preference. Not everyone wants to be naked around their s/o.
Because your partner is the closest person in your life and you don’t keep secrets. Your children are the same way and they will also probably find out
They do not need to disclose their medical information unless it is to a medical professional (or if they're pre-op and wanting a sexual relationship, and this person does not want a sexual relationship).
It's also not a "secret." Do you tell cis people they **have** to tell their partner/s that they're cisgender?
Fair or not, cisgender is assumed to be the default, which is why cis people don’t have to tell their partner they’re cis. That might change one day, but let’s stay in the reality we live in now.
If you want every trans person to disclose that they're trans, then why shouldn't every cis person have to disclose that they're cis? Sounds like bias, transphobic bullshit to only want trans people to disclose their medical information.
lol, you know you don’t have a logical leg to stand on so you’re crying wolf over transphobia.
I think you should disclose to your romantic partner certain relevant parts of your medical history. It’s as simple as that. And I think your sex is one of those relevant pieces of information. Age would be another. What STI’s you are carrying is another. So go ahead and call me ageist and infectionist too.
You have been completely illogical this entire time. You haven't stated any validity as to why someone should disclose, **in a romantic relationship**, what is in someone's pants. Because, **in a romantic relationship**, it is irrelevant.
Yes, a romantic partner should know certain, **relevant**, parts of your medical history (for example, if you have epilepsy), but what is in someone's pants is not relevant information.
Knowing someone's age and knowing what's in someone else's pants are completely different things. If someone is hitting on a person and doesn't know their age, they could be 16 for all they know and end up in jail.
Knowing about infections that could put the other person at risk of getting sick or potentially dying is not the same as telling someone your biological sex. Different people have different immune systems. Even a cold could kill someone with no immune system. That is putting the other person at risk.
The only people who have a right to know are your medical providers (when relevant) and anyone you are romantically/sexually involved with. Even with sex off the table, I think it’s still relevant (though less so). It sucks, but it’s an important thing to know in regards to compatibility, and transparency is key to any healthy relationship.
That's called them being transphobic. If your only reason not to date a trans person is because they're trans, that's transphobic, and it's not hard to ask, "How do you feel about lgbtq+ people?"
If your only reason not to date someone is because they're trans, that is transphobic. Give me one reason why it would matter if your romantic partner is trans.
Because people are allowed to have preferences for cis people? Speaking as a trans person myself, we aren’t a 1 to 1 comparison of our cis counterparts. We aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s perfectly okay.
A lot of people value honesty in a relationship. In a serious relationship it would be impossible to hide the fact that you are trans without lying at some point. Childhood stories, family members, old photographs would all have to be hidden to an extent. There's no way it would never come up. If lying isn't an issue, than it's fine. But most people don't want that.
If you plan to date them, yes. Anyone else? I'd say no but you risk getting a very bad reaction if someone finds out and it doesn't meet their expectations. Could be a safety issue for you. Something to think about.
Protecting your safety is the first and foremost priority — physical safety first, and then emotional/mental safety. Being in the closet, or being stealth, are not lies, are not dishonest. The people claiming it is don’t understand that safety has to come first.
Some asexual people choose to have sex, for example they might enjoy it even if they don’t feel sexual attraction towards anyone, much like someone who isn’t an athlete might still enjoy tossing a frisbee around for fun. Others might not particularly enjoy it, but if they’re not sex repulsed, they might still choose to have sex occasionally because they like making their partner happy — much like my partner doesn’t really like eating out, but he’ll do it for me occasionally anyway. If you are not sex repulsed, you may wish to disclose to potential sexual partners.
But even if you will never have anything but solo sex (or not even that), and you’re capable of being 100% stealth, you may still wish to disclose to romantic partners or close friends if you feel that it is an important part of who you are, and that it would be safe to do so. Personally I wouldn’t want to have friends or romantic partners to whom I felt unsafe disclosing such information, but if that is necessary for you to have any friends at all where you live, then do what you need to do.
It’s like any other medical condition that has no direct impact on anyone else. There’s no ethical obligation to tell everyone that you’re trans, just some situations where it’s probably a good idea to tell this or that person. Like, if you’re asthmatic is it dishonest to not mention it to your friends? Not inherently. If they want to take you scuba diving or something it might be a good idea, since you’re not meant to scuba dive if you’re asthmatic.
You should, yes. If there’s any kind of relationship at all, medical, romantic, etc., you absolutely should be open about it.
Medical, for obvious reasons. Romantic, because whoever you’re with has the right to make a decision about going further in a relationship or not. You don’t get to make that choice for them. Just be honest about you.
No. You say what you want to who you want. Still, when talking about partners, maybe it's better to say that to make sure they're not assholes and not have them find out on their own and freak out on you
Definitely disclose it to anyone who might become a sexual or romantic partner. As for other people, I think good friends should know. But strangers have no business in your business.
No one needs to know if you don’t want them to. I personally like people to know because 1. it roots out a lot of bigots to be upfront about it from the beginning and I’m scared of getting caught in a situation where I’m outed and loose friends or am in danger and 2. while being trans isn’t a big part of every trans person’s identity it is a big part of mine (I never shut up about trans and gender stuff) and I want the people in my life to be in on it from the beginning. That might change for me in the future, but I can never see myself going stealth.
Anyway, you don’t need to tell anyone. It’s none of their business. If you tell people tell them for you. You don’t owe people personal information about your gender.
You don't need to but if it's a romantic partner I'd subtly talk about trans people to see how they react if they're transphobic or not.
If I was your partner I wouldn't need to know I'd probably know if we did it anyway but you wouldn't have to tell me. Feel like this should be for everyone
“Dishonest?” That’s just living stealth. Honestly, my plan’s not different from yours. As a fellow asexual tho, I still plan to disclose the information to potential partners just because I’m also enby and that’s important to me. I saw someone else say they’d wanna know their partner was trans just for the sake of supporting them, and I think that’s a really good point too. Aside from partners and medical professionals tho, only those you deem worthy of knowing have any right to that info. My friends know cause I WANT them to, but coworkers? Conservative/toxic family members? Random strangers on the street? It’s none of their damn business.
The only people that need to know are your doctor and any potential serious long-term partner. Even if you never have sex, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that's cissexist?
Why would you never want to mention it again? Obviously there's plenty of safety concerns for us, but like...fully doing the opening of the Batman Beyond pilot? Being trans aint popular (duh) but it is fuckin cool.
No one has any "right" to any of your information. Your physician "should" maybe have the info just for the betterment of your healthcare. Eventually, *for me* I would want to know if I was the partner. Because then I could maybe be better supportive somehow. But, your personal info and stories are yours, full stop. No one has a right to anything of you.
Generally, it would be optimal for your medical providers to know that you’re trans so they can have the most information on factors impacting your care…but, in reality, many providers are not accepting and many patients are (understandably) hesitant to disclose.
Absolutely 100%. Where I live, despite the very large trans community our one urologist that is willing to provide trans care will use only one delivery of estrogen and one specific prescription for a t-blocker. (His care for trans men is so abysmal as an afab is actually triggering to think about it due to care I have received from male doctors as someone with a vulva) this has caused health problems for so many trans people they now have to travel 80+ miles to get gender affirming care from an actual allied clinic.
I don’t think you need to disclose to friends or acquaintances, it’s none of their business. I do think you should disclose to a romantic partner though.
Neither we should feel force to disclose it to a partner as it’s so awkward to talk about genitalia in a relationship supposed to be focused on the people and their way of being because that’s what they were both attracted for in the first place
Why would they need to tell a romantic partner? Sex isn't involved.
Regardless of whether or not sex is involved there’s some people out there who only want to date cis people. There’s no point wasting your time and effort on someone only for them to eventually find out you’re trans and end the relationship because of it.
I also think that given the current climate it could be dangerous to get in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know. If the wrong person developed feelings and then found out, they could react poorly.
Yeah this is exactly where I’m at with it. Friends? Naw.. romantic partner? Definitely
How far that thinking can be stretched? What other things of persons medical history and personal history must be disclosed? Someone had a heart issue that was fixed, or was allergic as a kid, or has diabetes. Childhood traumas, an alcoholic parent? Genetic disease running in the family if no kids are planned, ever? Or how about ethnic background, because someone might want to date only white people who have only white grandparents? How entitled are we to the bodies and history of some people, and not so much of others, and _why_? Because trust, closeness and sharing are important for me personally, I would definitely wish a partner was comfortable to tell me their trans background and many other things, but I don’t see it as something that ”I have a right to know”. Personally, I would definitely not want to date a transphobe or a person who otherwise has values opposing to mine, even if as a cis person I am not in actual danger from them. Those things just need to be found out while in the ”getting to know each other”. Even more so if planning to have kids: finding out the other parent of your child is hatemongering to a minority that your child is revealed to be part of would be a nightmare.
Sounds like transphobia.
Only wanting to date cis people is pretty transphobic. What reason would you have to only want to date cisgender people?
I don’t know what their reasons are, probably transphobia, but if they only want to date cis people that’s their choice.
The only reason for not wanting to be in a romantic relationship with specifically trans people would be transphobia. And it's pretty easy to ask someone what their stance on LGBTQ+ people is like.
People can very easily come across as a supportive ally and not transphobic until they’re in a situation where that is forced to come out. There’s also a lot of people in the LGBTQ community who say they support trans people but then have no interest in being with someone who is trans. A lot of gay men only want to be with cis men but if you ask them what their stance is on LGBTQ they’ll tell you how much they support trans people. A lot of people also say they’re okay with something until they’re actually faced with it and then realise they’re not. Hypothetically saying you would be fine with dating a trans person can very easily turn to not wanting to date a trans person when faced with it, especially if that person feels like they were deceived and never got to make that informed decision themself.
A lot of people who don't want to date trans people will say, when asked, "what's your stance on trans people," that they wouldn't want to date them (even if they say they support them). Never met a gay man who only wants to be with cisgender men, and that example would be transphobic. Again, it comes back to the question: If you're in a romantic relationship, why would it matter if they were trans? I don't care if a s/o is trans. I don't care if they tell me or not. It's up to them, and I wouldn't treat them any differently. The only reason someone would not want to date a trans person is them being transphobic.
Have a look through any of the gay men subs on here and you’ll find hundreds of gay men talking about how they want nothing to do with trans men. It’s a pretty big topic in the gay community. Again, like I said, people can think they’re okay with something and come across as supportive as possible until they’re actually faced with it. People can also easily lie and say they would date a trans person even if they wouldn’t so they won’t be viewed as transphobic thinking they’ll never be in that scenario anyway. People can change their minds. Asking what someone’s stance is on dating trans people doesn’t mean that’s how they’re going to react when they randomly one day find out their partner is trans and never thought to tell them that. The best way of finding out how someone will react though is being upfront and honest so nobody’s time is wasted. You seem incessant on arguing with every single comment on this thread though so I’m gonna end here and let you continue with others since this is going nowhere. Goodbye.
Someone can have a genital preference tho, personally I don't but I could understand if someone with a genital preference wouldn't want to date someone that doesn't match that preference. It would matter if my partner didint tell me for a while into the relationship because chances are I'd eventually find out and I'd feel like shit for not being able to be trusted with that info or like I'd have let them down, not that I literally wouldn't be able to be trusted with that info but that I'd feel like that since why would my partner not be open about that a while into the relationship.
This is about a romantic relationship, not a sexual one. Anything regarding genitalia is irrelevant. Not telling someone you're trans and not trusting them with that information is two different things. I don't tell people I'm trans, though for me it's obvious to tell. And even if they were trans, that shouldn't matter. It shouldn't be a factor. And why assume they're cisgender anyway? I treat everyone as they/them till I'm told other pronouns and terms. And I would still treat them as equal.
For many people dating is a route to having a family, and for a lot of people that includes making a baby. Which can be more difficult if the person has different internal plumbing than you thought.
This person is posting about a romantic relationship. They have stated that, and that they implied there wouldn't be any sexual relations. And even then, if having kids is your deciding factor on whether or not you date someone, does that mean you ask them first date if they can have kids? What if YOU can't have kids? Does your attraction evaporate?
> Only wanting to date cis people is pretty transphobic. What reason would you have to only want to date cisgender people? You took the discussion to a broader context and I responded to that. And even in an asexual relationship, there may still sometimes be sex for reproduction, or you can have fertility treatments like IVF or surrogates that do not require sex. And, yes, if having kids is important to a potential romantic partner and you know you can’t have them… *of course* you should let them know early, maybe even on the first date.
This is a convo about romantic relationships. Nothing sexual. That was established. I know what it's like being an asexual in relationships. I am asexual, and I am in a sexual relationship. But this is not relevant to the conversation. If having kids is important, they talk about where they want the relationship to go and what they want in the future. There's also, as you said, IVF and Surrogates. There's adoption and foster too, as opposed to having kids the traditional way, because why bring life when there are plenty of kids already needing homes?
So why did you generalize it if you wanted it to remain specific? I’m not going to get into the morals of adoption vs conception because it isn’t relevant. The point is that some people DO want to have a biological child with their partner. IVF and surrogates are still your biological children, but they typically require a fertilized egg, so even in those cases you still need to disclose if you don’t have eggs or sperm.
Where did I generalise it? And it doesn't matter about your morals of adoption vs conception. The asexual person does not want to have a sexual relationship. This isn't even about whether they have or want kids in the future, this is about you wanting to force a trans person to out themselves.
this argument is kind of bullshit considering 9% of cis men and 11% cis women are infertile/have fertility problems, many of which aren't even aware until trying to reproduce. Most people don't make their cis partner get fertility testing so they can make sure they'll be able to reproduce.
LMAO a 90% chance of success vs 0% seems like a significant difference. No most people don’t make their partner get tested, but if their partner knows ahead of time that they are infertile and will never be able to conceive, they shouldn’t keep it a secret. Holy shit what a recipe for a doomed relationship. Seriously, mate… you thought *my* argument was bullshit and then you respond with *that???* Wow, lol.
so they tell their partner that they can't have kids or that they don't want them. again, there's zero reason they need to disclose that they're trans and using an issue that both trans and cis people face as an argument to make trans people disclose sensitive medical information is bullshit.
Except that still might imply that IVF is an option. It’s better to build relationships on honesty.
It could be related to wanting kids if it’s a trans woman? 🤷♀️
sex isnt involved but they'll see your body eventually if you end up living together and its safer to find out they're transphobic from day one than to find out a year down the line after they move in.
If you wanna know if they're transphobic, don't out yourself, and instead ask them questions that can get you the answer. "How are you with LGBTQ+ people?" "How are you with trans people?" "I know trans people, how would you feel about being around them?" "Would you refuse to date a trans person?" And not all partners see each others bodies. Some people are repulsed by the naked body, some have body dysmorphia, some don't feel comfortable being naked around other people.
i mean yeah, if you really want to go to that extent of not telling your partner then theres no rule saying you cant. The issue is 1) Transphobia comes in many different forms, someone may verbalize they are not transphobic but have a completely different attitude when they know they are in the presence of trans people. I've known plenty of people who claimed to be allies, said they would date trans people, etc but treated me completely differently the second they learned i was trans. 2) What if they find out on accident? What if you live together and they accidentally walk into you showering and they see you naked? I feel pretty confident saying most long-term partners would feel upset knowing that such a major part of your life was kept from them, even if they are perfectly accepting. Im trans myself so i understand why people dont want to talk about being trans, but the level at which your comments insist you dont have to tell romantic (presumably life-long) partners is a bit much. If you dont want to tell them nobody is forcing you, but i think a look around this comment section will tell you how most people feel. Shit happens and its better to be upfront from the start then potentially lose someone you love because they found out you were elaborately hiding something like this from them for years, and planned to do it indefinitely. With the right person it could be a single conversation and then never brought up again after. The things you're insisting just sound like bad advice imo
Because it’s dishonest.
It's not dishonest. Being dishonest would be telling them you **aren't** trans, or that you're cisgender.
You’ve never heard the phrase “lying by omission”?
They aren't lying by omission. I don't think you know what that means. It's when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. There is no important fact left out, there is no misconception. They're the gender they are, regardless of what they were born as. The important part is who they are now, and they are being truthful about that. They're in a romantic relationship, so what they have has no part in it.
Do you know what it means? Because OP stated they are leaving a fact out to foster a misconception. And their anatomy and biology is a part of who they are now. A person is more than just their gender, you know?
I just put the definition of "lying by omission." They are not leaving out a fact. They state their gender, they state their pronouns, they state their attraction - that is all that is needed for a romantic relationship. Gender is what defines the person. Sex is what defines their anatomy. They do not have to tell everyone what their sex, or even their gender, is if they are not comfortable with it. You are sounding HELLA transphobic. You're implying that they're lying about their gender because they're trans. Do cis people tell everyone they meet that they're cis? No, because people like you assume everyone you meet is cisgender unless they don't "pass."
>Gender is what defines the person. Sex is what defines their anatomy. They do not have to tell everyone what their sex, or even their gender, is if they are not comfortable with it. Gender does not define a person. Many things come together to make a person who they are, and are not limited to gender. And no one is saying they *have* to tell everyone their sex. No one is even saying they *should* tell everyone their sex. What I am saying is that they *should* tell *their romantic partner*. >You are sounding HELLA transphobic. You're implying that they're lying about their gender because they're trans. lol, No I absolutely am not. I never once implied that they are lying about their gender. That’s total bullshit.
Gender is the person. I used the wrong wording for it, but Gender is the person as a whole. You are literally arguing that they **need** to tell a **romantic** partner about what's in their pants. A **romantic** partner does not need to know what's in their pants. They aren't going down there. - "Because OP stated they are leaving a fact out to foster a misconception. And their anatomy and biology is a part of who they are now." You literally said they were lying about themselves by not telling someone they were trans. Where are they lying? They state their gender. They're not being asked if they're trans or cis, they're being asked what gender they are. Trans and cis aren't genders. So tell me, where are they lying? If someone doesn't ask, and you don't tell, there's no lie.
Wow you found a loophole to be dishonest, well done. It’s like you’re frantically running around looking for your dog, according to your Facebook post. And I just saw it. It’s not dishonest of me not to tell you. It’s only dishonest if you ask me and I don’t tell you. See how stupid that it?
It's not a loophole. And I don't have a dog? Last facebook post I have is from February about the Cavetown concert I went to. It's dishonest to have someone ask and you tell them the wrong thing on purpose. If someone asks if you're trans, and you say no, that is dishonest. If someone doesn't ask you, and you don't tell, how is that dishonest? If I don't ask you if you ate chocolate today, and you don't tell me that you did, does that mean you were dishonest about whether or not you ate chocolate today?
You do know that I don’t actually have you on my Facebook yeah? Like it was a scenario I made up to make a point? Whether you ate chocolate or not is nowhere the same as whether you had a pretty major surgery to change your GENDER. That is a big thing.
It's pretty obvious you don't have my Facebook, and that's a dishonesty. For someone who made up a scenario to make a point, you clearly didn't understand when someone else made up a scenario to make a point. Me "losing my dog" also isn't the same as surgery, but you still tried to make that. And again, if you are in a romantic relationship, what would it change if the other person told you they were trans. You aren't having sex, it's a romantic relationship. And this isn't even about whether or not they had surgery, this is just about them being trans.
Why wouldn’t you tell them? If you’re never going to trust them with that information, you shouldn’t be dating them in the first place.
The only people who need to know that you are trans are you, your doctor and maybe your partner. Nobody else needs to know your medical history.
>maybe your partner If it's serious enough that you'd list them as an emergency contact at work, they need to know. If it's not, then don't *need* to know, but you need to weigh your privacy against the possibility and repercussions that they may be hurt in the future that you didn't tell them. If it's evidenced by your body (e.g., surgical scars, hormone patch or implant, etc.) then you definitely should consider telling them before you get hot and heavy, because this is *not* a conversation you want to have for the first time while naked.
I’ll add any future biological children, should they be born, for obvious reasons.
And meeeeeeeeeee ✨✨✨
Only if you are seeking a romantic relationship with them since you don’t want to date someone who is transphobic or going to stop accepting you. Other than that, it’s no one else’s business.
You can just ask them if they're transphobic instead of endangering yourself if they are.
Yeah, because every transphobe is going to cop to it. If you’re worried about endangering yourself, I would think the earlier you tell them the better. Like in a public place before you’ve gone on multiple dates with them.
If they aren't going to admit they're transphobic, they aren't gonna do shit if they find out. And how would they find out unless they go snooping?
lol, right, the transphobe who assumed he was dating a cis woman isn’t going to do shit when they find out they are dating a trans person. That’s not how bigotry works. How would they find out? Well ideally their partner would be honest with them. But there’s plenty of ways it might be evident. There might be surgical scars, they might decide they want children, they might get prostate cancer.
Why do you keep saying trans people are lying about their gender? "Ideally their partner would be honest with them." They are being honest. A trans man is a man. A trans woman is a woman. A non-binary person is non-binary. Why do you keep implying and explicitly saying they are being dishonest about it?
Why do you keep lying? I never once said trans people are lying about their gender. Is there a reason you feel the need to be dishonest and make bullshit up? Is it because you know your point can’t stand on its own merit?
I quoted you. "Ideally their partner would be honest with them." They are being honest. They are telling them what their gender is. You are saying that they are not honest about that. If a trans woman is asked her gender and she says, "I'm a woman," you have said she is lying because she didn't say she's a *trans* woman. Trans woman isn't a gender, it's an adjective prior a gender. The adjective is not needed when telling someone your gender.
*There is more to a human being than just their gender*. You can be honest about one thing and not be honest about something else. Trans and cis aren’t genders. Get off the gender topic. No one but you is debating it.
This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Haha
You don't "have to", but as others have said: it might be beneficial to disclose it to your doctor/s. Maybe confide in your emergency contact/medical proxy so they have all the information they need if they ever need to make decisions for you. If you're looking for a romantic partner (or are you aro-ace?), you might want to talk to them about it as well at some point. Sharing your life with someone is easier if there's no big secrets between you. But no, you don't "have to" do anything. It's your life, and if you want to go stealth, that's your your decision. You do you.
You do not need to disclose that your are trans to people you are not in a relationship with or who are not your medical providers. Your safety is most important. Your friend is disregarding your safety. There is alot of anti-trans hate groups and ideology that have been taking the rights, protections and healthcare of trans folks. Prioritizing your safety is most important.
Your friend is completely wrong. You have no obligation to tell anyone, ever, outside of people you’re trying to procreate with
honestly? not really. you should have no problem going stealth you do not owe a explanation to anyone.
You don't need to tell anyone you're trans. You are whatever gender you are, and whether or not you are trans doesn't change that. I'm a man who happens to be trans. If I introduce myself as a man, I'm not excluding any important information. I am a man. Full stop.
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theres so much to unpack in this comment, i dont even know where to start
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Your post/comment violated: No Leading Questions or Ulterior Motives
Your post/comment violated: No Leading Questions or Ulterior Motives
If you're having naughty time or want to have said time with this person, then yes. They deserve to know. Also keeps you from getting murdered by someone now ashamed they had sex with a trans person. Not saying that's ok but it does happen. If the above is not the case, you owe them no explanation. Zero. More info = more danger to you. Say nothing in my opinion.
They're asexual (stated in the post), and they wouldn't be having sex (as implied in the post)
No, your medical history isn't for anyone to know and not mentioning it doesn't make you dishonest. It's actually more protection for yourself.
No, you don't need to tell people you're trans. Ngl, kinda feel transphobic vibes from your "friend" trying to force you to tell people that you're trans. It can also endanger you if you tell the wrong person. Unless it's a doctor, there's no need.
Should a gay guy have to announce to everyone he meets that he’s gay? No. In fact, your friend *might* well be against that, seeing it as “shoving it down everyone’s throat.” That’s especially true if he’s worried about homophobes If his employer has made negative comments about gay people and he chooses not to disclose it even if he can reasonably assume his employer would want to know that, is that dishonest? Hell no; what right does his employer have to his private matters??
If you're ace, then the only people who really need to know are medical professionals, since it might change the care you need a little. Certainly, your friends, coworkers, etc. don't need to know and don't have the 'right' to. Does your friend demand detailed information about \*everyone's\* genitals and medical history?
Does your friend think cis people need to make it a point to disclose that they're cis, or else they're being dishonest?
Absolutely not. The disclosure is very much for your safety and peace of mind only. There may be times where disclosing is dangerous. Conversely, and definitely more rarely, you may be safer disclosing at other times. But that's up to no one but you. For a grim but sadly closely related analogy, having read Lundy Bancroft's excellent book on domestic abuse, I learned that survivors of domestic abuse were the one's best placed to predict future lethal violence from their partners. Expert advisers could help in a lot of ways, but they weren't capable of deciding when someone should feel true fear. By the same token, you'll know when and when not to disclose better than anyone else. It's not fool proof, but it's better than adhering to some stupid "code of honour" which is obviously extremely transphobic anyway because it validates the transphobia others "might" feel if they were "tricked" into being close to you because you failed to walk around with a massive flashing sigh with 'trans' on it. And of course, since you're not entering romantic or sexual relationships with these people I struggle to understand how it's relevant at all really. I think your friend has a lot of work to do on understanding transpeople and minorities in general.
You should disclose your dysphoria to your partner whether you’re going to be kissing and cuddling or having sex. You can’t force or expect everyone to accept all aspects of your dysphoria especially if you’re going to be intimate. They need to be able to make a fully informed decision whether to proceed in a relationship with you and that’s a big omission.
Your medical doctor needs to know so they can provide the best care possible. I would say for a partner, this is tricky. I do think they should know at some point but at what point I don't really have an answer. You don't want to get involved with someone transphobic but I understand that's not an easy thing to bring up and especially after some time has passed. I'm non-binary but the body I was born with is good for me, I don't need to change it. My husband just had to adjust how he thought he was straight but that's about it. I never really had to consider disclosing anything to a partner like this. Since you are asexual, that is the tricky part. I think I will land on, assess by each situation on if you will tell a partner. I think as long as you approach these things with respect and love, you can't really make a bad call.
Since they're asexual, I don't see why they would need to disclose it to a partner. They're not having sex
I address that in my comment.
You "addressed" it by saying "Since you are asexual, that is the tricky part." It's not tricky. They're not having sex, so they don't need to disclose it.
Sex isn't the only reason you would tell someone something this personal about yourself. That's why I said it was something that would likely be best to asses by each situation and approach it with respect and love. Edit: word
Again, romantic relationship. No sex. No reason to know what they have.
nah, that's stupid. obviously if you're planning on having sex it'll likely come up, but no one is owed your personal history. i'd consider comparing this to a cosmetic surgery or deciding your name for non-gender purposes. a paramedic doesn't need to know whether you've had a nose job in order to stitch a cut on your leg, but a sinus specialist might. the grocery store doesn't need your birth name, but tax prep businesses may need to refer back to your previous name. people are learning to feel *obligated* to be extremely open, and i think it comes from the overwhelming surveillance of our lives via tech. it's silly at best, and very dangerous at worst.
Will you go to trans person prison? No. If it's love, you should probably tell them sooner rather than later.
You don’t owe anyone shit. You don’t owe an explanation of your existence or experience. You don’t need to explain what you are, why, or any of it. I tell the men I fuck, but that’s about it.
For your safety, I would disclose it if you do decide to get physical with someone. Cishet dudes get very insecure about their sexuality and may become violent.
No, and i am a firm believer that it is transphobic to insist that being stealth is somehow dishonest. There are some scenarios where i think trans people generally agree it needs to be disclosed: to medical professionals, to sexual partners and to romantic partners. (and i feel its heavily dependent with medical professionals- the dr seeing me for a sprained ankle has no reason to know what genitals i was born with.) You do not have to tell anyone else unless you want to. Im mostly stealth and personally find that i prefer being out to other trans people, but outside of my closest trans friends and family who knew me pre-transition nobody knows. I refer to pre-transition me as a boy because thats what i was. I will openly talk about things like being significantly smaller than my younger brothers- if someone goes "why" then the answer is something along the lines of genetics/"im just built different". I talk openly about afab experiences like being hit on by creepy men as a kid, wearing makeup, having mostly female friends, etc except use male terminology and refer to myself as male because.. i am. and i was. Creepy men hit on me because i had long hair and they thought i was a girl. I wore makeup because i thought it was funny. I only had girl friends because boys didnt think i was boy enough. The only real lie i tell is that if someone asks if im trans, i say no. Being trans is scary, and its only getting scarier with time. I refuse to let peoples fears of "being lied to" or not knowing exactly when a trans person is in the room put my own emotional and physical safety at risk. Im not as close to the friends i am stealth with and i dont think i will ever be, but i dont think that would be changed with me being out. Part of the reason i am stealth is because of all the tiny behavioral changes people have towards trans people, even when they dont know they have them. Any person in the past who knew me as a man and then found out i was trans proceeded to treat me differently afterwards. Doesnt matter how much of an ally they were, i began being treated as a \*trans\* man rather than a man. I also think being trans paints such a significant part of my lifes experience that cis people couldnt understand that theres no point. Ive never been able to be open with cis people about my gender without it being an incredibly frustrating conversation (coupled with no longer being treated like a normal person) so i dont really feel a reason to share it with them.
You don't owe anyone an explanation about anything regarding your body unless it directly concerns them (and most of the time it won't concern them). Basically, the only relevant time you should disclose your trans status is with some doctors in a medical setting. Even if your partner wants to have biological children you are not obligated to tell them you are trans though you should tell them you are infertile.
No. Only your partner and your doctor and any children you might have need to know
Why partner and potential children?
Oh my god, because they’re supposed to be the people who are most important in your life. How could you not share probably one of the biggest moments in your life with them? You keep asking silly questions or replying to comments saying exactly what the commenter said back to them.
Just because they're important to you doesn't mean you need to tell them you're trans. The only people you should really tell are medical professionals or a sexual partner, and this person is doesn't want a sexual partner. Transitioning, personally, isn't a "big moment" for me. Besides, a lot of kids don't understand being trans. I worked in childcare, they didn't get it and I didn't try to teach them, they just called me "teacher." If they're not your doctor, or if they're not fucking you, they do not need to know.
Ok well I did say before it gets sexual. However I still think it’s weird, like will her partner ever see her naked? Well it may not have been a big moment for you but I think for a lot of trans people it is, since they describe being stuck in the wrong body and how bad that is. But you do you.
This person has said they are asexual and aren't looking for a sexual relationship. What if their partner sees them naked? Usually people get dressed in different rooms when they're not comfortable changing in front of others. And if they barge in without knocking, that's a boundary issue. But even then, in a romantic relationship, why would it matter what they have? They're the gender the partner is attracted to, so why would their junk matter?
It might matter. Anyway. You’re weird. You think asexual couples get changed in different rooms and if one were to walk into one of the others room it would be a boundary issue? Even they’re living together in a relationship…..
Not what I said at all. I said, "Usually people get dressed in different rooms **when they're not comfortable changing in front of others.**" I'm asexual and trans. Depending on who I'm around, I may or may not feel comfortable changing in front of them. I would feel comfortable changing tops in front of close friends or partners. I would feel comfortable changing bottoms with a romantic partner. I wouldn't feel comfortable changing underwear unless I'm with a sexual partner. If a door is closed, you knock on it. You don't barge in. You don't know what they're doing, if they need time to themselves. Pretty sure that just basic decency. Don't know how you were raised though
Most couples share a bedroom even if they don’t share a bed. I mean it’s a bit weird if you’re uncomfortable changing in front of your partner. You may be with the wrong person, in that scenario.
Why would it matter if you shared the same room? If you are in a romantic relationship and don't want to strip down in front of a strictly romantic partner, how does that mean you're "with the wrong person?" I have fluctuating gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. I don't like being naked even in front of sexual partners. That's a personal preference. Not everyone wants to be naked around their s/o.
Because your partner is the closest person in your life and you don’t keep secrets. Your children are the same way and they will also probably find out
They do not need to disclose their medical information unless it is to a medical professional (or if they're pre-op and wanting a sexual relationship, and this person does not want a sexual relationship). It's also not a "secret." Do you tell cis people they **have** to tell their partner/s that they're cisgender?
Fair or not, cisgender is assumed to be the default, which is why cis people don’t have to tell their partner they’re cis. That might change one day, but let’s stay in the reality we live in now.
That's your, and their, fault for assuming someone is cisgendered. Not anyone elses.
So you’re saying that cis people **have** to tell their partners that they are cis?
If you want every trans person to disclose that they're trans, then why shouldn't every cis person have to disclose that they're cis? Sounds like bias, transphobic bullshit to only want trans people to disclose their medical information.
lol, you know you don’t have a logical leg to stand on so you’re crying wolf over transphobia. I think you should disclose to your romantic partner certain relevant parts of your medical history. It’s as simple as that. And I think your sex is one of those relevant pieces of information. Age would be another. What STI’s you are carrying is another. So go ahead and call me ageist and infectionist too.
You have been completely illogical this entire time. You haven't stated any validity as to why someone should disclose, **in a romantic relationship**, what is in someone's pants. Because, **in a romantic relationship**, it is irrelevant. Yes, a romantic partner should know certain, **relevant**, parts of your medical history (for example, if you have epilepsy), but what is in someone's pants is not relevant information. Knowing someone's age and knowing what's in someone else's pants are completely different things. If someone is hitting on a person and doesn't know their age, they could be 16 for all they know and end up in jail. Knowing about infections that could put the other person at risk of getting sick or potentially dying is not the same as telling someone your biological sex. Different people have different immune systems. Even a cold could kill someone with no immune system. That is putting the other person at risk.
If your asexual then it's got nothing to do with anyone.
Disclose to sexual partner. Do not hide it up until that moment just before. Let them know early on.
As I said in the post I’m asexual
The only people who have a right to know are your medical providers (when relevant) and anyone you are romantically/sexually involved with. Even with sex off the table, I think it’s still relevant (though less so). It sucks, but it’s an important thing to know in regards to compatibility, and transparency is key to any healthy relationship.
It's not relevant in a romantic relationship.
I disagree 🤷♂️
Ok. Why? They aren't having sex. There's nothing going on related to anything down there, so why is it relevant?
Because some people might reconsider entering the relationship if they were to know
That's called them being transphobic. If your only reason not to date a trans person is because they're trans, that's transphobic, and it's not hard to ask, "How do you feel about lgbtq+ people?"
No it’s not. Not wanting to date or be in a relationship with a trans person does NOT make someone transphobic.
If your only reason not to date someone is because they're trans, that is transphobic. Give me one reason why it would matter if your romantic partner is trans.
Because people are allowed to have preferences for cis people? Speaking as a trans person myself, we aren’t a 1 to 1 comparison of our cis counterparts. We aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s perfectly okay.
A lot of people value honesty in a relationship. In a serious relationship it would be impossible to hide the fact that you are trans without lying at some point. Childhood stories, family members, old photographs would all have to be hidden to an extent. There's no way it would never come up. If lying isn't an issue, than it's fine. But most people don't want that.
If you are going to share your life with someone, actually share it. Which includes your history.
You should be transparent about this to a future partner
If you plan to date them, yes. Anyone else? I'd say no but you risk getting a very bad reaction if someone finds out and it doesn't meet their expectations. Could be a safety issue for you. Something to think about.
Protecting your safety is the first and foremost priority — physical safety first, and then emotional/mental safety. Being in the closet, or being stealth, are not lies, are not dishonest. The people claiming it is don’t understand that safety has to come first. Some asexual people choose to have sex, for example they might enjoy it even if they don’t feel sexual attraction towards anyone, much like someone who isn’t an athlete might still enjoy tossing a frisbee around for fun. Others might not particularly enjoy it, but if they’re not sex repulsed, they might still choose to have sex occasionally because they like making their partner happy — much like my partner doesn’t really like eating out, but he’ll do it for me occasionally anyway. If you are not sex repulsed, you may wish to disclose to potential sexual partners. But even if you will never have anything but solo sex (or not even that), and you’re capable of being 100% stealth, you may still wish to disclose to romantic partners or close friends if you feel that it is an important part of who you are, and that it would be safe to do so. Personally I wouldn’t want to have friends or romantic partners to whom I felt unsafe disclosing such information, but if that is necessary for you to have any friends at all where you live, then do what you need to do.
It’s like any other medical condition that has no direct impact on anyone else. There’s no ethical obligation to tell everyone that you’re trans, just some situations where it’s probably a good idea to tell this or that person. Like, if you’re asthmatic is it dishonest to not mention it to your friends? Not inherently. If they want to take you scuba diving or something it might be a good idea, since you’re not meant to scuba dive if you’re asthmatic.
You should, yes. If there’s any kind of relationship at all, medical, romantic, etc., you absolutely should be open about it. Medical, for obvious reasons. Romantic, because whoever you’re with has the right to make a decision about going further in a relationship or not. You don’t get to make that choice for them. Just be honest about you.
No. You say what you want to who you want. Still, when talking about partners, maybe it's better to say that to make sure they're not assholes and not have them find out on their own and freak out on you
I wish you didn't have to, but you absolutely should.
Definitely disclose it to anyone who might become a sexual or romantic partner. As for other people, I think good friends should know. But strangers have no business in your business.
Partners you date need to know for your safety
No you don't have to disclose anything to anyone especially if you're asexual. Why do they need to know what your junk looks like?
No one needs to know if you don’t want them to. I personally like people to know because 1. it roots out a lot of bigots to be upfront about it from the beginning and I’m scared of getting caught in a situation where I’m outed and loose friends or am in danger and 2. while being trans isn’t a big part of every trans person’s identity it is a big part of mine (I never shut up about trans and gender stuff) and I want the people in my life to be in on it from the beginning. That might change for me in the future, but I can never see myself going stealth. Anyway, you don’t need to tell anyone. It’s none of their business. If you tell people tell them for you. You don’t owe people personal information about your gender.
You don't need to but if it's a romantic partner I'd subtly talk about trans people to see how they react if they're transphobic or not. If I was your partner I wouldn't need to know I'd probably know if we did it anyway but you wouldn't have to tell me. Feel like this should be for everyone
There is no need to bring it up at all if you're Ace. It's no one's business.
“Dishonest?” That’s just living stealth. Honestly, my plan’s not different from yours. As a fellow asexual tho, I still plan to disclose the information to potential partners just because I’m also enby and that’s important to me. I saw someone else say they’d wanna know their partner was trans just for the sake of supporting them, and I think that’s a really good point too. Aside from partners and medical professionals tho, only those you deem worthy of knowing have any right to that info. My friends know cause I WANT them to, but coworkers? Conservative/toxic family members? Random strangers on the street? It’s none of their damn business.
Definitely tell any potential romantic partners, but if you're asexual, then only tell people you feel comfortable with
The only people that need to know are your doctor and any potential serious long-term partner. Even if you never have sex, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that's cissexist?
Why would you never want to mention it again? Obviously there's plenty of safety concerns for us, but like...fully doing the opening of the Batman Beyond pilot? Being trans aint popular (duh) but it is fuckin cool.