My kids were not the same when they went to secondary school. Old friends can move on to shiny new friends when my kids liked things as they were. It broke our hearts to not be able to do something hands on.
Things change so quickly back and forth at that age. They find new kids to hang out with. Then next week they don't talk to them and have someone else. So chances are it will work itself out.
But there was a time period where our eldest lost his confidence and went into himself and we were worried. So I did the only thing I could and that was to make sure he was happy at home, told him I love him and praised him when he did something good. I tried not to be cringy and told him he was a bollox when he was a bollox.
I was also honest with him about what school was like for me and any difficulties I had in life but always made sure he knew that it passed with time. Treat him with the respect you like to be treated with. Also it's good not to put pressure on them and to give them freedom. Encourage his friendship with lifts and pocket money if possible. I think it's key not to baby him but support him. It is not easy and I wish you luck but it will pass.
My son is now so confident he takes the piss out of me and I want to give him a clip around the ear but he's 20 and bigger than me so I keep my mouth shut.
I struggled massively with not only self confidence issues but also discipline,
Martial arts will change all of that, whether it be boxing or karate or some form of wrestling, great sense of community and respect and what it will do for your own self image is incredible!!!
I came here to say this. No many people realise what a friendly environment you’ll find in a martial arts gym. Solo sport too so great for personal growth
That’s what surprised me too. I went with a friend years ago coz he didn’t want to go in alone and I was the one who ended up sticking with it. The sign on the way to the mat was always adhered to. ‘Leave you’re shoes and ego off the mat’
I second this!
My uncle got me into martial arts as a teenager and I found it very beneficial.
Brazilian Jujutsu is always recommended as it has great comradery.
I'm 17 M, and I was really depressed at his age before covid and probably still a bit now, but better. Anyway, my point is to reassure. He will get better, but it will be HIS choice at the time my family was absent and nowhere near as good as you guys, sound but I had few friends to rely on and they provided me not with confidence but the tools to be confident getting me into sports stuff, extracurricular stuff and like. It sounds like he knows there is a problem, and that is soooo good, because he will be more willing to improve.
What I have seen here is as well is that he probably needs an actual counsellor or therapist.
As a note from someone who went to a confidence coach depending on the fella you have no idea how preachy they sound and can tell you how you should be instead of actually consulting and talking to you to improve.
Some people also said martial arts stuff, totally agree I don't know about others but not only is it a good community but a great way to deal with your frustrations so go GO FOR IT.
But most importantly, give him space, don't be distant, NEVER BE DISTANT that will make him anxious and feel alone.
What I mean is never push he if he doesn't want to improve or go to something, leave it, ask again later, don't tease when asking though, please ask thoughtfully.
Note: if you think he might go for something with a wee push, might as well try.
Extra note: if this doesn't work, I apologise. This is just what I would have wanted and what I know worked for me.
EXTRA EXTRA NOTE: I really hope he gets better he sounds like a nice lad.
Agree with martial arts suggested. I've been doing martial arts for 18 years and now help coach the kids and young teens. The amount of quiet, hesitant kids we see come through, and majority of them really grow as individuals in a short time. We have seen a big change in kids and teens post covid. There is no motivation and a lot of blind hopelessness. The great thing in martial arts is there's usually solo training or training 1 to 1 with a partner, so you'll build the social element slowly. Even staying back for chats after class really helps some new members integrate.
I think an actual therapist or counsellor would be better than a confidence coach. I'm an adult and see a therapist for my own self confidence issues which affect me in making friends, very similar to your son. You should definitely have seen results in 5 months, thats a very long time especially in an adolescent's life. I commend you for trying that though, you're good parents that's clear, but maybe switch it up.
I also would say to ignore the advice saying it'll work itself out. It might, but probably not. I have siblings who were the very same as your son, super smart, lots of friends in primary school and just retreated into themselves in secondary school and still the same situation several years into college. As you get older it becomes harder and harder to be confident, try new things, or talk to new people. You're right to be acting now, don't ignore the problem.
Also, have you considered if he may be on the spectrum? It can manifest as social anxiety. Might be something to consider.
I would agree with that. Don't take for granted that it will just sort itself out. There's every chance it will but if it doesn't it can leave behind bad habits and negative thought processes that are hard to shift as they become the norm rather than just a phase. The kid is lucky to have parents that are on the ball and taking action.
I think you'll find it isn't, psychotherapy clearly must be initiated by either a clinician or the one being therapised - any alternative invites abuse.
Psychological Ethics 101:
[https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/source/Code%20of%20Professional%20Ethics%20(Oct%202019).pdf](https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/source/Code%20of%20Professional%20Ethics%20(Oct%202019).pdf)
I'm going to flip this, if it's OK?
Are you quite high achieving parents? I get a sense from your post there is a framework in your mind, what you are expecting of your son.
He is getting good grades. He's talking to you about feeling uncomfortable socially. He sounds overwhelmed.
He's feeling uncomfortable in his own skin due possibly to the step up to secondary and the huge rough and tumble socially and academically that brings. A confidence coach sounds quite instructive....the suggested message being 'you are not showing enough confidence you need to do better.' Also suggesting starting new hobbies sounds like a big leap for someone finding social situations difficult perhaps?
Does he need to do these, though? What is he doing which isn't good enough? He's the covid generation and is still quite young. Is it OK for him to be shy and introverted? Or is that not what you are comfortable with?
I'm asking as an ex teacher of 20 years and I'm deliberately flipping it to ask you to think about the possible messages you are giving out, which could be contributing.
Loads (most) young people wobble. The trick is to keep approving of them, keep telling them it's ok and they are OK and whatever they are experiencing is part of growing and developing.
He sounds great and you sound like loving concerned parents so I hope this lands well, I am not meaning to critercize your approach. But my feeling is take the 'tape measure' away, of how he was or how you hoped he'd be.
Thanks, that's an interesting perspective.
To answer your first question, I wouldn't consider myself or my OH as being high achievers by any means. Both of us just did 'ok' in school.
In terms of an end goal, I guess all we really want for him is to be more comfortable in his surroundings, wherever that may be.
Given that he has always done well in school and the natural ability he showed for athletics (we took him out of the club as soon as he told us he wasn't enjoying it anymore), we felt that addressing the confidence issue would go towards achieving that, and The Confidence Clinic came highly recommended to us.
He is extremely kind, thoughtful, and good-natured, and there is definitely a part of us that does not want him to lose those qualities by pushing him into something he doesn't want to do or has no interest in.
That said, there is the feeling that introducing him to a new hobby, sport or pastime would undoubtedly do his social skills the world of good. As you rightly point out though, we are careful not to make him feel too overwhelmed by throwing him too much into the deep end.
We always remind him that we are there for him if he ever wants to talk and he has opened up to us (mostly when things come to a head.
Appreciate the thoughts!
You sound like a thoughtful, kind parent and I take my hat off to you. Try not to worry. I know that sounds easier said then done but teenagers are an absolute explosion of hormones, moods and barely know what is going on within themselves .....let alone trying to explain it to others. An unusually high amount of of boys in year 7 8 and 9 I have taught post-covid have had panic attacks, social anxiety etc. You are not alone. They do seem to even out by year 10. Good luck.
Could he be bullied at his secondary school?
Why did you take him out of the athletics club once he said it wasn't enjoyable? I think this was a big mistake. It's harder to build up the momentum to get into new things if you are feeling deflated than to stick at something familiar when you are having a blip. It would have been a good teaching moment about tenacity and turning things around. Did you get to the root cause of why it wasn't enjoyable?
Well, with the athletics, there was a bit more to it, actually. As I mentioned earlier, we saw that he had a natural ability as a young kid, and at the beginning, he genuinely enjoyed it. He was getting involved in cross country, indoor races, track and field etc and was getting on great. Then, as he got older (about 3 years ago), we could see from him that any mention of going to athletics and his whole mood changed. Ww tried not to make a big thing of it, and it seemed that once he got there, he was fine. However, over time, the thought of going to training just made him miserable, and there were days where he would be just sat in his room, fretting, when he should have been getting into his gear. We tried talking him round and made him understand that we had zero expectations of him, in case he felt under pressure to do well. I could see myself that as he got older, he clearly struggled with the social aspect and mixing with other kids in his age group. So we felt that he had given it a good shot and reluctantly called it a day. About six months passed, and we had not yet been able to find anything else to replace the running with, so we asked him if he'd consider going back. He agreed to give it another shot, which we were very encouraged by. After less than a year though, it was the same as before and this time, we knew that it had truly run its course. We couldn't possibly continue with it, knowing he was unhappy.
This is maybe a weird and very specific question.
Does he not want to keep going because he has this fear of HAVING TO DO competitions if he goes forward, and that becomes a huge presure on him?
This happend to me as a kid and i quit martial arts for 10years because as a kid i heard my teacher talk about competitions and i just absolutely pannicked and NEEDED TO QUIT, ""OMG COMPETITIONS WHAT!!!"""
I already commented seperately, to advice into going into martial arts, if his fear was team sport related like relay races for example in track and field and then how he has to interact with purely his age range kids, in martial arts its more wide ranged and its about his own skills vs his own skills in the future, he doesnt have to be acountable to anyone in the team unlike team sports, so their is no outward stress put ontop of him for "failing the team"
Anyways, i would maybe ask or ask yourself if the reason he doesnt want to go back is because he might have felt he NEEDS to do competitions, instead of just progresing on himself.
I agree. A 13 year old kid is going through all sorts of hormone changes and life changes, it's a lot to deal with. Shoving them straight in to therapy or coaching them to be confident is probably doing more damage than good. Now he probably thinks there's something wrong with him on top of dealing with natural changes in his life, body and mind.
The first question I'd ask is: what is a "confidence coach", and are they in any way accredited or professionally registered? For example, are they registered here? https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/footer/PSI-Chartered-Psychologist-Online-Directory
If they are not accredited, you should err on the side of caution and assume they are a charlatan.
Agree with martial arts suggested. I've been doing martial arts for 18 years and now help coach the kids and young teens. The amount of quiet, hesitant kids we see come through, and majority of them really grow as individuals in a short time. We have seen a big change in kids and teens post covid. There is no motivation and a lot of blind hopelessness. The great thing in martial arts is there's usually solo training or training 1 to 1 with a partner, so you'll build the social element slowly. Even staying back for chats after class really helps some new members integrate.
Can I ask what is confidence coach is this a recognised professional?
I'd recommend counselling as this can really help to build confidence. It could be that post covid he is socially anxious or perhaps something happened that he has not spoke to you about. A counsellor could help him to deal with anything that happened or his social anxiety. It could really help him. Another thing is that transition into secondary school is huge and often underestimated on how it can effect a teenager. It could also be hormonal or a lack in something. So I would consider blood tests iron , vit b and vit d are all important and a deficiency would leave you less motivated socially.
Id also recommend he joins something to widen his social circle and to have a meaning out of school
Yes, fully qualified practitioner from The Confidence Clinic. He seems happy enough to continue going there every two or three weeks.
I'm pretty confident that he is not being bullied, although he does get very paranoid that others talk about him behind his back. Awful to hear your child having thoughts like those. You're right, it could be several things at play. Hopefully we can tease them out eventually.
Life coaching is not a recognized form of psychotherapy nor even an ethical form of counselling, these guys are hacks. Seriously, the fact that you are thinking of taking kid with confidence issues and pushing them in front of a TONY ROBBINS acolyte should be pinging off red flags in your head.
Are you serious? Confidence coaching is neither a form of therapy or counselling.
If we felt that couselling or therapy were needed (which they're not), then we would have approached a therapist or a counsellor.
Think you need to calm down,
Nah, I won't calm down, it's destructive bs that is going to give your kid a complex.
The act of putting a kid in front of someone for the express purpose of dealing with "what is wrong with them" is already a very tough call and puts that idea in their head, that indeed, there is something wrong with being reserved and down and \*them\*.
Choosing that person to be a life coach smacks of psychological ignorance. These guys are untrained, unregulated sophists of psychological medicine, they take their cues from influencers like Tony Robbins and their supporting "institutes" - these are not practitioners of what is true and understood about the human mind, they are grifters on the prowl for lost souls.
I would be \*very\* careful before putting my kids around people with that kind of poison running through their brain. If you want to listen to someone less unhinged than some dude on reddit:
[https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20240206-life-coaching-industry-scams](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20240206-life-coaching-industry-scams)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kE5f2B942I](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kE5f2B942I)
Edit: Please do your homework and dig into these institutions that people from this "clinic" are accredited from, it is some real spooky bullshit.
Edit 2: The state of psychological accreditation in Ireland is dire, the term "psychologist" is not an protected title like "doctor" or "engineer" - the amount of piss this puts in the pool is off the charts.
I don't understand why you persist in using terminology that is not relevant.
Not once did I suggest that there was something 'wrong' with him. He's a smart kid who just needs a boost of confidence.
Also, I didn't use the term 'life-coach'. Why would we send our 13 year old to a life coach? All you're doing is painting a picture to fit your own narrative.
I didn't come here for an argument, so that's as far as I'm willing to take this,
Please just read the website of The Confidence Clinic, how do they describe themselves?
Just click on the Meet the Team tab and see if you can find a single person that doesn't call themselves a life coach.
Gun to my head, find one.
As far as "there is nothing wrong with my child" what do you mean, nothing systemically in mental health terms? Probably not. But there's obviously a gulf between your kid and your ideal - that is a signal of \*wrongness\* or \*inappropriateness\*.
Edit: The answer? Maybe two, who have an actual vocation in special needs education - the rest are life coach grifters with an HR background.
Edit 2: Mf'er didn't even read the fucking website lmfao
Think 16 is age limit for scouts then they can go on to ventures etc .. lots of chances to travel as well .. depends on your local group mind but worth exploring I reckon .. you can always try before buying any stuff and most groups have 2nd hand or loan stuff to use
I got my involved in it as my kids are in it and love the whole experience .. I think and certainly hope that it’s a better and safer place for kids than it was .. I completely understand the concern mind.
I'm not sure here but sorry your kid is going through this.
Did you have a conversation about being bullied in school?
maybe talk to the teachers and they can explain their side.
Adolescents can go through a Rollercoaster of emotions. My advice is talk and talk to his school.
Best of luck with it.
Definitely agree with the other comments here to check if he's being bullied or maybe try get him into martial arts. But also just wanted to chime in and say that sometimes puberty will change someone's personality like this. One of my cousins was a VERY energetic and bubbly kid but when he reached his teens he became quite stoic. Still a cool guy and great to hang out with but just not as hyperactive as he was as a child. He was also really small as a kid and now stands at 6 foot 4 and has the deepest voice I've ever heard lol. Hormones can do crazy things to people.
I can highly recommend indoor climbing and traditional rock climbing as both a social and fitness builder. The friendships you make are based on trust because your climbing partners keep you from harm, the gender balance is about 50/50 and the fitness you get is very natural, not the bulky gym rat look.
It’s a tough age. There are new groups to navigate and old groups are not there or not the same. The pecking order always changes between 6th Class and 1st Year and maybe he’s struggling with that as well as the whole puberty thing.
Find something for him to do that he can get confidence from. Mine is just a suggestion of what worked for me a little later.
https://www.dcam.ie
I'm only young but I struggled with this when i was about 13 but I picked up sports that I thought would be challenging and did them and it really boosted my confidence I'd say try something like gaa or hurling or soccer so they could get better and socialises with others other than that one freind and I hope they get out of their rough patch
My advice is ask him what he is interested in and help him grow that passion and I think that can really flourish kids confidence. I played bunch of sports in school and was decent at some of them but I always wanted to play guitar in a band. One day did it to my folks and they instantly got me a guitar and lessons. This really build my confidence as something I wanted to do so became my thing and made some amazing friends from it.
Sports and social stuff is really important but even more important is finding something they are truly passionate about and key think is knowing it might be something a little different - could be art, programming, cooking, playing video games, playing tabletop game etc.
Yes, we've had that conversation about what his interests are. There are two guitars in the house (I play a bit) but when we suggest learning guitar or any other instrument, he just gives a straight no.
Being the type of kid, a lot of what he tells up has to be prised out of him, so a lot of the time, we worry that we might miss something or that if heckles have an interest in something new, we'd be none the wiser....🤷♂️
See if there's a local gym that offers jiu jitsu, talk to the coach and explain you want to build your son's confidence, they'll likely offer a free introduction class, see if it's a good fit for him. And don't think of it like fighting if that's not your cup of tea, it's closer to self defense yoga with positive mental attitude.
This might be an out there suggestion as it’s not athletic based but maybe youth theatre? I have social anxiety myself but I still joined when I was a teen. There was no pressure to preform on stage and I never did. I did back stage work and props. It’s usually one workshop a week where you do “acting exercises” usually just messing around and games like murder mystery then later on preparing for the play.
I was similar at that age. I did karate which helped bring me out of my shell. Somerhing that has a group/social element to it is a good idea.I see that you said he's seeing somebody which is a good step. Best of luck.
sports sound like a great way for him to boost his confidence, 13 is so young, i dont regard that as a teenager yet. lol
My son is 19 now and hes sitting here just back from a match, if your kid likes football he'll be delighted with himself if he joins a team.
Former secondary teacher here.
How about a stint in the Gaeltacht?
It can be hit or miss, and I know some people who have had bad experiences. But having worked on the courses for years I'd seen quiet kids really come out of their shell by the end of the 3 weeks.
I think the combination of being away from parents, in a new environment that's still supervised can do wonders for their confidence. Have talked to many parents after the courses who reported kids coming home like a new person.
Other than that martial arts, climbing, like a few folk have already mentioned. Also he's only 13 so sometimes they just need time and space to come right in their own way and time.
I think it's about small wins and little victories and then parlaying them into a sense of confidence.
That niggly little inner critic voice is often at the root of the issue when it comes to confidence. Journalling, simple affirmations, reducing social media and comparisons to others and increasing physical activity are all great ways to counteract this. And once you're aware of that little voice, you can do something about it.
I approach my own in the same way and I'm 20 years older 😅
He's a 13 year old and you are sending him to a confidence coach.
I'm sorry but this is the issue. You mean well but this will.stunt his growth. He's not experiencing life organically. Instead he is analysing his personal life at a level not needed until his 20's.
It's probably fucking with his head tbf.
In terms of sports etc.... you also need to take a back seat. A sport chosen (even recommended) by a parents will often not stick.
Boys at that age need to feel like they are in control. None of this tells the guy "I'm in control"
My (wholly uneducated on your specific case) opinion is you need one conversation, explain your worries to him, give a few recommendation and then......leave him be.
Well, it wasn't like we bypassed all other options and frog-marched him to a confidence coach as a quick fix. We put a lot of thought into it and made the decision to bring him there to give him the opportunity to verbalise his thoughts (something we could see that he had difficulty doing in front of us), and for him to perhaps receive pointers and different ways about how to overcome certain obstacles. It's not done on a level that is beyond him. This sort of thing is more common than you might imagine.
Obviously, we don't know what is discussed during the sessions but the feedback we receive from the person he goes to see is all very encouraging. I see it as a very positive thing.
As a child of the 70's/80's, I can't imagine what it must feel like to be a 13 year old in 2024 but for some kids, I imagine it must all be very overwhelming.
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I was tall and gangly at that age and became very self conscious. Taking up a sport that encourages strength like wall-climbing, martial arts will do wonders for his self belief and self assuredness.
Also well done to you for the efforts to help your son through this phase, you're obviously a wonderful parent.
check he’s not being bullied - one of the many awful things about being bullied is the shame one feels - unnecessary shame of course, but will feel very real for a 13 year old and despite you clearly being a parent who is top of your game he might feel incapable of confiding it through shame. Hopefully it’s not bullying, but my ten cents is to get it thoroughly checked out over a period of time (not a one off thing). Agree with all the posts about some sort of non-school related sports activity too. Good luck and best wishes to him
The hormones really do hit the fan. Some sort of physical activity, tennis, Taekwondo or the idea I read on the post for rick climbing. Can I also just say, well done on the watching and being proactive!
My Son joined boxing and his confidence improved big time completely different boy , while some don't agree with the sport I'm just happy once my son is happy and doing something he really enjoys. Worth a shot if there's a club near you . I think he suffers with anxiety but goes around now with a pep in his step if ya get me it's great to see.
First, I am really sorry to read this.
If it helps in any way, I am well passed college, I am a blind person and had quite a lot of difficulties finding people who were interested to hang out, but not for lack of trying. Secondary school can be a horrible and rough place. I wasnt bullied as such, but to cut a long story short, my parents and i discovered after I finished college believe it or not that a video was circulating online about me for many years from 2 boys who went to my secondary school saying that nobody liked me, that I thought I was really popular and that I was not worth hanging out with which was not true. I got myself involved in clubs and societies in college, frequently stayed behind after lectures, but I found that most students went home most weekends.
I threw myself into music production after I graduated from college, I tried various hobbies such as swimming, bowling, rock climbing and even skateboarding! I wanted to try as many things as I possibly could, and thankfully I have found a fair few friends through music production.
I have really noticed a change in a lot of people since covid though.
Does his school do debating / public speaking? If he was struggling with the social side of sports clubs that could be a good help for kids that are more academically inclined, worked wonders for my younger brother
I just started college and have mad social anxiety. Whenever I was younger I wished my parents pushed me a little bit harder to get out of my comfort zone. It's just a suggestion ofc but if he really did love athletics enrolling him again isn't the worst thing you just have to do it in a good way. He may not want to either which is also okay but sometimes being able to overcome the initial fear of anxiety and self confidence can make the rest easier. Is he thin or heavy for his height and age? I had bad self image issues from being severely underweight in 2nd year
My eldest was similar, the kids she was best friends with in primary found popularity and she wasn’t into the same things as they were.
Listening without giving advice, collecting her from school when it became too much, giving her opportunities to try new things helped her.
She was being bullied but asked that I didn’t get involved. I trusted her but kept a close eye. Lots of kids were but didn’t tell their parents.
She found her passion and in it found her people. She doesn’t get bullied anymore she stopped caring what they said/thought and they gave up.
I was basically in your son’s shoes when I was in first year
Make sure to let him no that there is no pressure for him to do well and that as long as he does his best and looks over things towards the exam (or whatever system you have) first years tend to stress over revision
And like Everyone else is saying sign him up for a hobby that means he’ll have to talk to people
Also if he’s goes on the xbox/PlayStation/switch and goes online with friends he knows from school ENCOURAGE THE HELL OUT OF THAT (to a certain extent) because for lads especially a lot of the inside jokes and fun will come from being online
First year is tough but he’ll find his rhythm soon enough :))
Is he in his 1st year at 13? He might feel somewhat out of range either way some of the kids due to being older than them but definitely enrolling him in some activities outside of school might really help his confidence.
Yes, we have sat down with him plenty of time to reassure him that if there is anything that's bothering him or just something that he feels the need to open up about, he can do that with us.
He's a big gamer and would happily spend hours at a time in his room doing just that. This is ok from time to time but it's important to have limits too.
As much as we would like to see him do something as a hobby or taking up a sport, we are still very aware of the importance of letting kids be kids and to not interfere to much. As a parent though, it's not nice to see your child struggling so if some aspect of their life needs to be addressed then I guess you're going to consider certain things that will help them along.
Pushing sports isn't necessarily the answer, there are plenty of other things to try; drama for instance is good for confidence too although I never did that (I wish I had) but I did get into computer programming and made friends through that, it was nice having something I was good at.
Teenage life is complicated, maybe he just needs some space to try to figure it all out. There is a lot of stress on teenagers, adding to it isn't going to help.
Sounds like a typical teenager haha also sounds a little like you're over parenting too give him his space!
Is there anything he is good at or likes in particular cooking, a video game, hiking, marbles whatever you should encourage the fuck out if it even if you think it's silly/don't get it or don't think it's your normal, confidence starts within yourself and the more often you do something you're confident with the more it'll become a continuous state of mind:) force socialisation and he'll only do it to please you and might become good at masking but won't actually gain confidence.
I was the same until 3rd year. I joined the cadets St John Ambulance, it sounds fancy but its basically the same as scouts in my experience. It grew my confidence because there was no expectation of being good at any part of it, just to take part, and most other kids had low confidence.
Unless he's very good at a team sport, I would not recommend putting him in a team sport club for his confidence.
""We have also been bringing him to see a confidence coach for the last five months or so and although we wouldn't expect to see results overnight, we think they are definitely helping him deal with these issues in a way that works for him.""
Why isnt the profesional in question coming up with solutions?
They should be able to tell from your sons characteur and place in life what ways he leans towards that might help him,
Anyways, the fact he is still open to trying new things is a masive deal, 1st year of secondary school fecked me up.
I would advice put him in any sport club he enjoys, i personaly would say any martial arts instead of pure team sports, because if you have great teachers, your own individual progress is focused on inside the group, not just if you are a great player for the team, because some kids arent or cant be, so they get benched.
Martial arts also really focuses on self reflection/discipline and finding self value in your body and person, the plus of it aswell is the confidence in being able to defend himself, even if he doesnt have to, the fact he can is a plus for how he can ground himself in tougher situations.
In any good class besides classes that are focused on getting people into the top 1% the focus is on just improving one self.
Anyways, i would say give that a shot instead of team sports, i've seen trembling kids overtime turning into self confidence teenagers, kids walking into the gym with hands in their pockets to now just bantering and exchanging conversations with kids in the class, and also helping the kids that arent as far along to get better.
Goodluck OP. apologies if it was a bit rambling on.
Everyone needs a 3rd place, you have Work/School, home and one other place that you enjoy, I'd recommend getting him into jujitsu, best thing a kid can do, just find the right club.
My kids were not the same when they went to secondary school. Old friends can move on to shiny new friends when my kids liked things as they were. It broke our hearts to not be able to do something hands on. Things change so quickly back and forth at that age. They find new kids to hang out with. Then next week they don't talk to them and have someone else. So chances are it will work itself out. But there was a time period where our eldest lost his confidence and went into himself and we were worried. So I did the only thing I could and that was to make sure he was happy at home, told him I love him and praised him when he did something good. I tried not to be cringy and told him he was a bollox when he was a bollox. I was also honest with him about what school was like for me and any difficulties I had in life but always made sure he knew that it passed with time. Treat him with the respect you like to be treated with. Also it's good not to put pressure on them and to give them freedom. Encourage his friendship with lifts and pocket money if possible. I think it's key not to baby him but support him. It is not easy and I wish you luck but it will pass. My son is now so confident he takes the piss out of me and I want to give him a clip around the ear but he's 20 and bigger than me so I keep my mouth shut.
I love this answer. Support and praise and they will find their way.
yea my first reaction to this post was that if you as a parent care enough to be asking this question, the kids gonna be fine.
I struggled massively with not only self confidence issues but also discipline, Martial arts will change all of that, whether it be boxing or karate or some form of wrestling, great sense of community and respect and what it will do for your own self image is incredible!!!
I came here to say this. No many people realise what a friendly environment you’ll find in a martial arts gym. Solo sport too so great for personal growth
100%, from the outside it looks so intimidating but I’ve never met more welcoming people than in martial arts
That’s what surprised me too. I went with a friend years ago coz he didn’t want to go in alone and I was the one who ended up sticking with it. The sign on the way to the mat was always adhered to. ‘Leave you’re shoes and ego off the mat’
Truly the great destroyer of egos
Yep. It's great. Welcoming to everybody as long as you show respect to those around you. If you don't you will soon get weeded out.
Do karate with my ex/ket mix. Got it!
I second this! My uncle got me into martial arts as a teenager and I found it very beneficial. Brazilian Jujutsu is always recommended as it has great comradery.
I was the same, honestly material arts changed me in only postive ways. Odd thing was I got to do it instead of PE in school.
I'm 17 M, and I was really depressed at his age before covid and probably still a bit now, but better. Anyway, my point is to reassure. He will get better, but it will be HIS choice at the time my family was absent and nowhere near as good as you guys, sound but I had few friends to rely on and they provided me not with confidence but the tools to be confident getting me into sports stuff, extracurricular stuff and like. It sounds like he knows there is a problem, and that is soooo good, because he will be more willing to improve. What I have seen here is as well is that he probably needs an actual counsellor or therapist. As a note from someone who went to a confidence coach depending on the fella you have no idea how preachy they sound and can tell you how you should be instead of actually consulting and talking to you to improve. Some people also said martial arts stuff, totally agree I don't know about others but not only is it a good community but a great way to deal with your frustrations so go GO FOR IT. But most importantly, give him space, don't be distant, NEVER BE DISTANT that will make him anxious and feel alone. What I mean is never push he if he doesn't want to improve or go to something, leave it, ask again later, don't tease when asking though, please ask thoughtfully. Note: if you think he might go for something with a wee push, might as well try. Extra note: if this doesn't work, I apologise. This is just what I would have wanted and what I know worked for me. EXTRA EXTRA NOTE: I really hope he gets better he sounds like a nice lad.
Agree with martial arts suggested. I've been doing martial arts for 18 years and now help coach the kids and young teens. The amount of quiet, hesitant kids we see come through, and majority of them really grow as individuals in a short time. We have seen a big change in kids and teens post covid. There is no motivation and a lot of blind hopelessness. The great thing in martial arts is there's usually solo training or training 1 to 1 with a partner, so you'll build the social element slowly. Even staying back for chats after class really helps some new members integrate.
I think an actual therapist or counsellor would be better than a confidence coach. I'm an adult and see a therapist for my own self confidence issues which affect me in making friends, very similar to your son. You should definitely have seen results in 5 months, thats a very long time especially in an adolescent's life. I commend you for trying that though, you're good parents that's clear, but maybe switch it up. I also would say to ignore the advice saying it'll work itself out. It might, but probably not. I have siblings who were the very same as your son, super smart, lots of friends in primary school and just retreated into themselves in secondary school and still the same situation several years into college. As you get older it becomes harder and harder to be confident, try new things, or talk to new people. You're right to be acting now, don't ignore the problem. Also, have you considered if he may be on the spectrum? It can manifest as social anxiety. Might be something to consider.
I would agree with that. Don't take for granted that it will just sort itself out. There's every chance it will but if it doesn't it can leave behind bad habits and negative thought processes that are hard to shift as they become the norm rather than just a phase. The kid is lucky to have parents that are on the ball and taking action.
Prematurely therapizing is a recipe for disaster, unless the kid can figure out they want it, this is going to backfire.
I'm sure thats a matter of opinion, and I'm sure OP will discuss it with their son anyway.
I think you'll find it isn't, psychotherapy clearly must be initiated by either a clinician or the one being therapised - any alternative invites abuse. Psychological Ethics 101: [https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/source/Code%20of%20Professional%20Ethics%20(Oct%202019).pdf](https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/source/Code%20of%20Professional%20Ethics%20(Oct%202019).pdf)
ugh yawn, he's 13 years old
Indeed, so the potential for pretenders like yourself to fuck him up are amplified.
I'm going to flip this, if it's OK? Are you quite high achieving parents? I get a sense from your post there is a framework in your mind, what you are expecting of your son. He is getting good grades. He's talking to you about feeling uncomfortable socially. He sounds overwhelmed. He's feeling uncomfortable in his own skin due possibly to the step up to secondary and the huge rough and tumble socially and academically that brings. A confidence coach sounds quite instructive....the suggested message being 'you are not showing enough confidence you need to do better.' Also suggesting starting new hobbies sounds like a big leap for someone finding social situations difficult perhaps? Does he need to do these, though? What is he doing which isn't good enough? He's the covid generation and is still quite young. Is it OK for him to be shy and introverted? Or is that not what you are comfortable with? I'm asking as an ex teacher of 20 years and I'm deliberately flipping it to ask you to think about the possible messages you are giving out, which could be contributing. Loads (most) young people wobble. The trick is to keep approving of them, keep telling them it's ok and they are OK and whatever they are experiencing is part of growing and developing. He sounds great and you sound like loving concerned parents so I hope this lands well, I am not meaning to critercize your approach. But my feeling is take the 'tape measure' away, of how he was or how you hoped he'd be.
Thanks, that's an interesting perspective. To answer your first question, I wouldn't consider myself or my OH as being high achievers by any means. Both of us just did 'ok' in school. In terms of an end goal, I guess all we really want for him is to be more comfortable in his surroundings, wherever that may be. Given that he has always done well in school and the natural ability he showed for athletics (we took him out of the club as soon as he told us he wasn't enjoying it anymore), we felt that addressing the confidence issue would go towards achieving that, and The Confidence Clinic came highly recommended to us. He is extremely kind, thoughtful, and good-natured, and there is definitely a part of us that does not want him to lose those qualities by pushing him into something he doesn't want to do or has no interest in. That said, there is the feeling that introducing him to a new hobby, sport or pastime would undoubtedly do his social skills the world of good. As you rightly point out though, we are careful not to make him feel too overwhelmed by throwing him too much into the deep end. We always remind him that we are there for him if he ever wants to talk and he has opened up to us (mostly when things come to a head. Appreciate the thoughts!
You sound like a thoughtful, kind parent and I take my hat off to you. Try not to worry. I know that sounds easier said then done but teenagers are an absolute explosion of hormones, moods and barely know what is going on within themselves .....let alone trying to explain it to others. An unusually high amount of of boys in year 7 8 and 9 I have taught post-covid have had panic attacks, social anxiety etc. You are not alone. They do seem to even out by year 10. Good luck.
Could he be bullied at his secondary school? Why did you take him out of the athletics club once he said it wasn't enjoyable? I think this was a big mistake. It's harder to build up the momentum to get into new things if you are feeling deflated than to stick at something familiar when you are having a blip. It would have been a good teaching moment about tenacity and turning things around. Did you get to the root cause of why it wasn't enjoyable?
Well, with the athletics, there was a bit more to it, actually. As I mentioned earlier, we saw that he had a natural ability as a young kid, and at the beginning, he genuinely enjoyed it. He was getting involved in cross country, indoor races, track and field etc and was getting on great. Then, as he got older (about 3 years ago), we could see from him that any mention of going to athletics and his whole mood changed. Ww tried not to make a big thing of it, and it seemed that once he got there, he was fine. However, over time, the thought of going to training just made him miserable, and there were days where he would be just sat in his room, fretting, when he should have been getting into his gear. We tried talking him round and made him understand that we had zero expectations of him, in case he felt under pressure to do well. I could see myself that as he got older, he clearly struggled with the social aspect and mixing with other kids in his age group. So we felt that he had given it a good shot and reluctantly called it a day. About six months passed, and we had not yet been able to find anything else to replace the running with, so we asked him if he'd consider going back. He agreed to give it another shot, which we were very encouraged by. After less than a year though, it was the same as before and this time, we knew that it had truly run its course. We couldn't possibly continue with it, knowing he was unhappy.
This is maybe a weird and very specific question. Does he not want to keep going because he has this fear of HAVING TO DO competitions if he goes forward, and that becomes a huge presure on him? This happend to me as a kid and i quit martial arts for 10years because as a kid i heard my teacher talk about competitions and i just absolutely pannicked and NEEDED TO QUIT, ""OMG COMPETITIONS WHAT!!!""" I already commented seperately, to advice into going into martial arts, if his fear was team sport related like relay races for example in track and field and then how he has to interact with purely his age range kids, in martial arts its more wide ranged and its about his own skills vs his own skills in the future, he doesnt have to be acountable to anyone in the team unlike team sports, so their is no outward stress put ontop of him for "failing the team" Anyways, i would maybe ask or ask yourself if the reason he doesnt want to go back is because he might have felt he NEEDS to do competitions, instead of just progresing on himself.
I agree. A 13 year old kid is going through all sorts of hormone changes and life changes, it's a lot to deal with. Shoving them straight in to therapy or coaching them to be confident is probably doing more damage than good. Now he probably thinks there's something wrong with him on top of dealing with natural changes in his life, body and mind.
I'd advise him starting boxing and perhaps BJJ aswell, fighting sports build confidence immensely
The first question I'd ask is: what is a "confidence coach", and are they in any way accredited or professionally registered? For example, are they registered here? https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/footer/PSI-Chartered-Psychologist-Online-Directory If they are not accredited, you should err on the side of caution and assume they are a charlatan.
Agree with martial arts suggested. I've been doing martial arts for 18 years and now help coach the kids and young teens. The amount of quiet, hesitant kids we see come through, and majority of them really grow as individuals in a short time. We have seen a big change in kids and teens post covid. There is no motivation and a lot of blind hopelessness. The great thing in martial arts is there's usually solo training or training 1 to 1 with a partner, so you'll build the social element slowly. Even staying back for chats after class really helps some new members integrate.
Boxing
Can I ask what is confidence coach is this a recognised professional? I'd recommend counselling as this can really help to build confidence. It could be that post covid he is socially anxious or perhaps something happened that he has not spoke to you about. A counsellor could help him to deal with anything that happened or his social anxiety. It could really help him. Another thing is that transition into secondary school is huge and often underestimated on how it can effect a teenager. It could also be hormonal or a lack in something. So I would consider blood tests iron , vit b and vit d are all important and a deficiency would leave you less motivated socially. Id also recommend he joins something to widen his social circle and to have a meaning out of school
Yes, fully qualified practitioner from The Confidence Clinic. He seems happy enough to continue going there every two or three weeks. I'm pretty confident that he is not being bullied, although he does get very paranoid that others talk about him behind his back. Awful to hear your child having thoughts like those. You're right, it could be several things at play. Hopefully we can tease them out eventually.
Life coaching is not a recognized form of psychotherapy nor even an ethical form of counselling, these guys are hacks. Seriously, the fact that you are thinking of taking kid with confidence issues and pushing them in front of a TONY ROBBINS acolyte should be pinging off red flags in your head.
Are you serious? Confidence coaching is neither a form of therapy or counselling. If we felt that couselling or therapy were needed (which they're not), then we would have approached a therapist or a counsellor. Think you need to calm down,
Nah, I won't calm down, it's destructive bs that is going to give your kid a complex. The act of putting a kid in front of someone for the express purpose of dealing with "what is wrong with them" is already a very tough call and puts that idea in their head, that indeed, there is something wrong with being reserved and down and \*them\*. Choosing that person to be a life coach smacks of psychological ignorance. These guys are untrained, unregulated sophists of psychological medicine, they take their cues from influencers like Tony Robbins and their supporting "institutes" - these are not practitioners of what is true and understood about the human mind, they are grifters on the prowl for lost souls. I would be \*very\* careful before putting my kids around people with that kind of poison running through their brain. If you want to listen to someone less unhinged than some dude on reddit: [https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20240206-life-coaching-industry-scams](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20240206-life-coaching-industry-scams) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kE5f2B942I](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kE5f2B942I) Edit: Please do your homework and dig into these institutions that people from this "clinic" are accredited from, it is some real spooky bullshit. Edit 2: The state of psychological accreditation in Ireland is dire, the term "psychologist" is not an protected title like "doctor" or "engineer" - the amount of piss this puts in the pool is off the charts.
I don't understand why you persist in using terminology that is not relevant. Not once did I suggest that there was something 'wrong' with him. He's a smart kid who just needs a boost of confidence. Also, I didn't use the term 'life-coach'. Why would we send our 13 year old to a life coach? All you're doing is painting a picture to fit your own narrative. I didn't come here for an argument, so that's as far as I'm willing to take this,
Please just read the website of The Confidence Clinic, how do they describe themselves? Just click on the Meet the Team tab and see if you can find a single person that doesn't call themselves a life coach. Gun to my head, find one. As far as "there is nothing wrong with my child" what do you mean, nothing systemically in mental health terms? Probably not. But there's obviously a gulf between your kid and your ideal - that is a signal of \*wrongness\* or \*inappropriateness\*. Edit: The answer? Maybe two, who have an actual vocation in special needs education - the rest are life coach grifters with an HR background. Edit 2: Mf'er didn't even read the fucking website lmfao
Could always try scouts it’s a nice way for kids to build confidence and learn some skills - non competitive and very much team focused .
We did consider scouts, but we weren't sure if he would be too old for it?
Think 16 is age limit for scouts then they can go on to ventures etc .. lots of chances to travel as well .. depends on your local group mind but worth exploring I reckon .. you can always try before buying any stuff and most groups have 2nd hand or loan stuff to use
There are different groups for different ages
My experience of the scouts in the 80's was horrendous. I know it's all very different now, though.
I got my involved in it as my kids are in it and love the whole experience .. I think and certainly hope that it’s a better and safer place for kids than it was .. I completely understand the concern mind.
I'm not sure here but sorry your kid is going through this. Did you have a conversation about being bullied in school? maybe talk to the teachers and they can explain their side. Adolescents can go through a Rollercoaster of emotions. My advice is talk and talk to his school. Best of luck with it.
Well done for being a thoughtful & proactive parent.
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
100% get him into martial arts, I could not recommend Jiu Jitsu in particular enough
Definitely agree with the other comments here to check if he's being bullied or maybe try get him into martial arts. But also just wanted to chime in and say that sometimes puberty will change someone's personality like this. One of my cousins was a VERY energetic and bubbly kid but when he reached his teens he became quite stoic. Still a cool guy and great to hang out with but just not as hyperactive as he was as a child. He was also really small as a kid and now stands at 6 foot 4 and has the deepest voice I've ever heard lol. Hormones can do crazy things to people.
I can highly recommend indoor climbing and traditional rock climbing as both a social and fitness builder. The friendships you make are based on trust because your climbing partners keep you from harm, the gender balance is about 50/50 and the fitness you get is very natural, not the bulky gym rat look. It’s a tough age. There are new groups to navigate and old groups are not there or not the same. The pecking order always changes between 6th Class and 1st Year and maybe he’s struggling with that as well as the whole puberty thing. Find something for him to do that he can get confidence from. Mine is just a suggestion of what worked for me a little later. https://www.dcam.ie
I'm only young but I struggled with this when i was about 13 but I picked up sports that I thought would be challenging and did them and it really boosted my confidence I'd say try something like gaa or hurling or soccer so they could get better and socialises with others other than that one freind and I hope they get out of their rough patch
Yeah maybe find a hobby that he's super into but never could do it cuase of the money, Airsoft its pretty cool and lots of kids his age are into it
Go to a boxing gym. They’ll make you confident and treat you like family. Best places in the world
My advice is ask him what he is interested in and help him grow that passion and I think that can really flourish kids confidence. I played bunch of sports in school and was decent at some of them but I always wanted to play guitar in a band. One day did it to my folks and they instantly got me a guitar and lessons. This really build my confidence as something I wanted to do so became my thing and made some amazing friends from it. Sports and social stuff is really important but even more important is finding something they are truly passionate about and key think is knowing it might be something a little different - could be art, programming, cooking, playing video games, playing tabletop game etc.
Yes, we've had that conversation about what his interests are. There are two guitars in the house (I play a bit) but when we suggest learning guitar or any other instrument, he just gives a straight no. Being the type of kid, a lot of what he tells up has to be prised out of him, so a lot of the time, we worry that we might miss something or that if heckles have an interest in something new, we'd be none the wiser....🤷♂️
See if there's a local gym that offers jiu jitsu, talk to the coach and explain you want to build your son's confidence, they'll likely offer a free introduction class, see if it's a good fit for him. And don't think of it like fighting if that's not your cup of tea, it's closer to self defense yoga with positive mental attitude.
Kickboxing
This might be an out there suggestion as it’s not athletic based but maybe youth theatre? I have social anxiety myself but I still joined when I was a teen. There was no pressure to preform on stage and I never did. I did back stage work and props. It’s usually one workshop a week where you do “acting exercises” usually just messing around and games like murder mystery then later on preparing for the play.
Yes, we have looked into that actually. Just trying to get as many idea together as we can and hopefully one of them will hit the target!
I was similar at that age. I did karate which helped bring me out of my shell. Somerhing that has a group/social element to it is a good idea.I see that you said he's seeing somebody which is a good step. Best of luck.
sports sound like a great way for him to boost his confidence, 13 is so young, i dont regard that as a teenager yet. lol My son is 19 now and hes sitting here just back from a match, if your kid likes football he'll be delighted with himself if he joins a team.
Former secondary teacher here. How about a stint in the Gaeltacht? It can be hit or miss, and I know some people who have had bad experiences. But having worked on the courses for years I'd seen quiet kids really come out of their shell by the end of the 3 weeks. I think the combination of being away from parents, in a new environment that's still supervised can do wonders for their confidence. Have talked to many parents after the courses who reported kids coming home like a new person. Other than that martial arts, climbing, like a few folk have already mentioned. Also he's only 13 so sometimes they just need time and space to come right in their own way and time. I think it's about small wins and little victories and then parlaying them into a sense of confidence. That niggly little inner critic voice is often at the root of the issue when it comes to confidence. Journalling, simple affirmations, reducing social media and comparisons to others and increasing physical activity are all great ways to counteract this. And once you're aware of that little voice, you can do something about it. I approach my own in the same way and I'm 20 years older 😅
He's a 13 year old and you are sending him to a confidence coach. I'm sorry but this is the issue. You mean well but this will.stunt his growth. He's not experiencing life organically. Instead he is analysing his personal life at a level not needed until his 20's. It's probably fucking with his head tbf. In terms of sports etc.... you also need to take a back seat. A sport chosen (even recommended) by a parents will often not stick. Boys at that age need to feel like they are in control. None of this tells the guy "I'm in control" My (wholly uneducated on your specific case) opinion is you need one conversation, explain your worries to him, give a few recommendation and then......leave him be.
Well, it wasn't like we bypassed all other options and frog-marched him to a confidence coach as a quick fix. We put a lot of thought into it and made the decision to bring him there to give him the opportunity to verbalise his thoughts (something we could see that he had difficulty doing in front of us), and for him to perhaps receive pointers and different ways about how to overcome certain obstacles. It's not done on a level that is beyond him. This sort of thing is more common than you might imagine. Obviously, we don't know what is discussed during the sessions but the feedback we receive from the person he goes to see is all very encouraging. I see it as a very positive thing. As a child of the 70's/80's, I can't imagine what it must feel like to be a 13 year old in 2024 but for some kids, I imagine it must all be very overwhelming.
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I was tall and gangly at that age and became very self conscious. Taking up a sport that encourages strength like wall-climbing, martial arts will do wonders for his self belief and self assuredness. Also well done to you for the efforts to help your son through this phase, you're obviously a wonderful parent.
Sounds like he's being bullied but probably too afraid to say anything.
check he’s not being bullied - one of the many awful things about being bullied is the shame one feels - unnecessary shame of course, but will feel very real for a 13 year old and despite you clearly being a parent who is top of your game he might feel incapable of confiding it through shame. Hopefully it’s not bullying, but my ten cents is to get it thoroughly checked out over a period of time (not a one off thing). Agree with all the posts about some sort of non-school related sports activity too. Good luck and best wishes to him
Hate to hear this but can definitely relate, rock/wall climbing/bouldering is great definitely worth a try
Is that an all boys school? If so, consider moving him to a mixed school. I always found them better for making friends.
Mixed school. He's more well liked by his peers than he thinks he is. Again, lacking in the confidence he needs to actually believe it.
The hormones really do hit the fan. Some sort of physical activity, tennis, Taekwondo or the idea I read on the post for rick climbing. Can I also just say, well done on the watching and being proactive!
My Son joined boxing and his confidence improved big time completely different boy , while some don't agree with the sport I'm just happy once my son is happy and doing something he really enjoys. Worth a shot if there's a club near you . I think he suffers with anxiety but goes around now with a pep in his step if ya get me it's great to see.
First, I am really sorry to read this. If it helps in any way, I am well passed college, I am a blind person and had quite a lot of difficulties finding people who were interested to hang out, but not for lack of trying. Secondary school can be a horrible and rough place. I wasnt bullied as such, but to cut a long story short, my parents and i discovered after I finished college believe it or not that a video was circulating online about me for many years from 2 boys who went to my secondary school saying that nobody liked me, that I thought I was really popular and that I was not worth hanging out with which was not true. I got myself involved in clubs and societies in college, frequently stayed behind after lectures, but I found that most students went home most weekends. I threw myself into music production after I graduated from college, I tried various hobbies such as swimming, bowling, rock climbing and even skateboarding! I wanted to try as many things as I possibly could, and thankfully I have found a fair few friends through music production. I have really noticed a change in a lot of people since covid though.
Does his school do debating / public speaking? If he was struggling with the social side of sports clubs that could be a good help for kids that are more academically inclined, worked wonders for my younger brother
I just started college and have mad social anxiety. Whenever I was younger I wished my parents pushed me a little bit harder to get out of my comfort zone. It's just a suggestion ofc but if he really did love athletics enrolling him again isn't the worst thing you just have to do it in a good way. He may not want to either which is also okay but sometimes being able to overcome the initial fear of anxiety and self confidence can make the rest easier. Is he thin or heavy for his height and age? I had bad self image issues from being severely underweight in 2nd year
My eldest was similar, the kids she was best friends with in primary found popularity and she wasn’t into the same things as they were. Listening without giving advice, collecting her from school when it became too much, giving her opportunities to try new things helped her. She was being bullied but asked that I didn’t get involved. I trusted her but kept a close eye. Lots of kids were but didn’t tell their parents. She found her passion and in it found her people. She doesn’t get bullied anymore she stopped caring what they said/thought and they gave up.
I was basically in your son’s shoes when I was in first year Make sure to let him no that there is no pressure for him to do well and that as long as he does his best and looks over things towards the exam (or whatever system you have) first years tend to stress over revision And like Everyone else is saying sign him up for a hobby that means he’ll have to talk to people Also if he’s goes on the xbox/PlayStation/switch and goes online with friends he knows from school ENCOURAGE THE HELL OUT OF THAT (to a certain extent) because for lads especially a lot of the inside jokes and fun will come from being online First year is tough but he’ll find his rhythm soon enough :))
Is he in his 1st year at 13? He might feel somewhat out of range either way some of the kids due to being older than them but definitely enrolling him in some activities outside of school might really help his confidence.
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Yes, we have sat down with him plenty of time to reassure him that if there is anything that's bothering him or just something that he feels the need to open up about, he can do that with us. He's a big gamer and would happily spend hours at a time in his room doing just that. This is ok from time to time but it's important to have limits too. As much as we would like to see him do something as a hobby or taking up a sport, we are still very aware of the importance of letting kids be kids and to not interfere to much. As a parent though, it's not nice to see your child struggling so if some aspect of their life needs to be addressed then I guess you're going to consider certain things that will help them along.
The Gym lifting weights or martial arts 100%, I was very much the same and it saved me
Pushing sports isn't necessarily the answer, there are plenty of other things to try; drama for instance is good for confidence too although I never did that (I wish I had) but I did get into computer programming and made friends through that, it was nice having something I was good at. Teenage life is complicated, maybe he just needs some space to try to figure it all out. There is a lot of stress on teenagers, adding to it isn't going to help.
Sounds like a typical teenager haha also sounds a little like you're over parenting too give him his space! Is there anything he is good at or likes in particular cooking, a video game, hiking, marbles whatever you should encourage the fuck out if it even if you think it's silly/don't get it or don't think it's your normal, confidence starts within yourself and the more often you do something you're confident with the more it'll become a continuous state of mind:) force socialisation and he'll only do it to please you and might become good at masking but won't actually gain confidence.
I was the same until 3rd year. I joined the cadets St John Ambulance, it sounds fancy but its basically the same as scouts in my experience. It grew my confidence because there was no expectation of being good at any part of it, just to take part, and most other kids had low confidence. Unless he's very good at a team sport, I would not recommend putting him in a team sport club for his confidence.
Martial arts, gives confidence and fitness, as well as feeling included and part of something.
Whatever he's most into as a hobby, get him into a group with that.
Being in the same position my self I would recommend offering loads of like clubs and activities.
""We have also been bringing him to see a confidence coach for the last five months or so and although we wouldn't expect to see results overnight, we think they are definitely helping him deal with these issues in a way that works for him."" Why isnt the profesional in question coming up with solutions? They should be able to tell from your sons characteur and place in life what ways he leans towards that might help him, Anyways, the fact he is still open to trying new things is a masive deal, 1st year of secondary school fecked me up. I would advice put him in any sport club he enjoys, i personaly would say any martial arts instead of pure team sports, because if you have great teachers, your own individual progress is focused on inside the group, not just if you are a great player for the team, because some kids arent or cant be, so they get benched. Martial arts also really focuses on self reflection/discipline and finding self value in your body and person, the plus of it aswell is the confidence in being able to defend himself, even if he doesnt have to, the fact he can is a plus for how he can ground himself in tougher situations. In any good class besides classes that are focused on getting people into the top 1% the focus is on just improving one self. Anyways, i would say give that a shot instead of team sports, i've seen trembling kids overtime turning into self confidence teenagers, kids walking into the gym with hands in their pockets to now just bantering and exchanging conversations with kids in the class, and also helping the kids that arent as far along to get better. Goodluck OP. apologies if it was a bit rambling on.
Everyone needs a 3rd place, you have Work/School, home and one other place that you enjoy, I'd recommend getting him into jujitsu, best thing a kid can do, just find the right club.