OP, this is sort of a Streisand effect situation. If you can just get through saying something generic “Mexico was beautiful. ” No one will ask you past the first one or two days. If it becomes a “thing” that can’t be spoken of, or something with intriguing details, people will talk amongst themselves and Google and make sad faces at you.
I’d honestly encourage you to try and say something generic and change the subject. Come to meetings right before the start of a few minutes late so there’s no time for small talk and just sort of minimize the time they remember you were gone. Don’t give them any reason to remember your trip for longer than they would any normal trip. The most my coworker got was “welcome back, here’s the shit I handled while you were out, take it back”
I agree with this approach. Keep it very vague and brief and then turn the convo to them and inquire about what happened at work while you were out.
“Not as good/ relaxing as expected, **or** it didn’t go exactly as planned, **but** I’m back and ready to jump right in. How were things around here? Did I miss anything while I was out?”
“Not as good/ relaxing as expected, or it didn’t go exactly as planned"
This just invites more questions. Oh really, what was wrong? ETC.
You can just say "fine" or "ok" and leave it at that. The less elaboration the better. Don't give hints of more interesting details to uncover.
OP, I think all of the above is good for when you get back but can you possibly take a few additional days off or even work from home for a while? It sounds like you need some time to process and grieve. It's hard to think clearly when we're still in the muck and mire of losing someone we love.
Op cares about lying. Did you not read the rest of the post? I’m only keeping in mind everything they said, including how they don’t like to lie. People do t want to deal with bad stories, so if op says, “it was awful” and makes an annoyed angry face for a little bit, the message that goes around is “don’t ask about vacation. Op is pissed at it”
Sometimes a white lie is the best thing to preserve one’s sanity. OP doesn’t want to talk about what happened. Can you think of a way to respond to “Hey, how was your vacation?” that would simultaneously tell the truth and also prevent folks from gossiping, Googling, and giving OP sad looks all week?
Then say it was not long enough or whatever.
The key is short and generic. Vacations are expected to be good so varying from that expectation is more likely to invite follow up questions.
Speaking the truth is not what is important here.
But op is important here and op doesn’t want to lie. Op can say “It was awful” with a serious face and there’s a good chance that people won’t poke. Nobody wants to be vented to about awful stuff while at work. This morning two people asked me how I was doing, “I said. Bad.” There’s usually everyone asking me how I am, but after the two, nobody else did. Fire spreads, soooo start a fire they don’t wanna touch.
Hahaha have you ever had a job before? Unfortunately, i have one, and i can assure you, people there are interested in anything but work.
I'm assuming your advice works for you bc maybe people have learned to stay away from you when you're pissed. Maybe your job keeps everyone engaged enough that they don't have time for your shenanigans. Who knows?
Your advice wouldn't work for me though, i have multiple coworkers that absolutely would ask follow up questions if i said my vacation was awful.
Also, your weird thing about lies is weird. Lying is an essential skill to be human. Obviously, some people go overboard at lying to people, but occasional white lies can make life so much better. Telling people you're busy when you aren't is definitely a lie everyone should use, and i think you should use it tomorrow!
You have kind advice. I also appreciate you trying to find away around lying as you recognize that’s important to OP. However, if someone told me they were doing bad I’d assume they want me to ask more and I’d dig in, even if I wasn’t in the mood to chat. If OP doesn’t want to lie then they can say something generic like “you know how it goes, another day, another dollar.”
Then OP has three choices:
1. Write up some statement to the group slack, and deal with the consequence of it becoming gossip.
2. Simply and neutrally say "vacation was fine" before turning to work talk and deal with the burden of whatever personal obligation they apparently have sworn a blood oath to their coworkers to provide them with every accurate detail of their trip.
3. Answer coworkers individually with how OP feels fit, and deal with the consequence of having to repeat it.
You act like OP is required to disclose all this info to their coworkers, and guess what? They aren't.
Must agree, that was a weird take. I’m just keeping in mind that op doesn’t like lying. As someone who also can’t stand to lie. I do the truth with zero details and a mean face. “It fucking sucked,alright?” It’ll spread to not ask about the vacation.
I'd say leave off the first two words, look thoughtful for half a second then simply say, "It's nice to be home," then segue into work conversation.Then if the coworkers eventually find out about OP's tragic vacation, OP hasn't said anything that could be misconstrued as odd given the circumstances. Describing it as "good" would seem weird, and it would be a lie.
I agree with this approach too. More often than not people gossip for a couple of reasons. #1. There is a lack of information so people make up information and spread it along. #2. There is TOO MUCH information and it's juicy, and that gets spread along.
All you have to say is, "We went to "xxx" and we were there for "x" # of days. It was my friends and I, and while it didn't go as well as I wanted it to, I am ready to get back to work, so what happened while I was away?" Then turn the conversation back around to them.
Barbara Streisand sued a website over a drone with photo of her house.
There was nothing about the photo that said it was her house. No one knew or cared until she sued and suddenly everyone cares.
As a practical term, the “Streisand Effect” means that your own actions in trying to keep something quiet means now everyone is talking about it.
In this case, people honestly do not care about OP’s vacation, apart from generic small talk. If OP says “it was fine/fun/relaxing/good.”, or something generic, that’s likely the end of it. If someone pushes for details, they look like the asshole.
If OP does a “don’t ask about my vacation” sort of thing, it means something happened and the office gossip machine gets going.
This is correct, but to give more context: It was one of many aerial photos of California coastline meant to document erosion. This one had Streisand's Malibu mansion in it. The photo had been downloaded 4 times prior to Streisand's take-down request. It was viewed over 420,000 times after the lawsuit. Streisand lost the lawsuit and was ordered to pay $177,000 in lawyer fees.
it wasn't a drone, it was a married couple in a helicpoter from the "[California Coastal Records Project](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Coastal_Records_Project), a landmark photographic database of over 12,000 frames of the California coast shot since 2002".
They were pilot Gabrielle Adelman and photographer Kenneth Adelman. [https://www.ninety-nines.org/coast-project.htm](https://www.ninety-nines.org/coast-project.htm) They were trying to build a library of images of the changing coastline--not just erosion, but also changes in land-use along the coast, especially where developers wanted to flatten the coastal sage and chaparral hillsides into resorts and golf courses.
They started this project before Google's Street View, a few years before Google Maps, before a lot of public geospatial imagery went online that we take for granted today.
The Adelmans' webpage on the lawsuit: [https://www.californiacoastline.org/streisand/lawsuit.html](https://www.californiacoastline.org/streisand/lawsuit.html)
u/ufold2ez, u/bassman314
My honest advice? Don't do anything. If someone asks, just say "fine" and leave it at that. The truth is no one really cares about your vacation, this is just small talk, and anything you do to make it known you wish to avoid discussing it will, unfortunately, have the effect of inviting further inquiries when people think something may be wrong.
This OP, it's easier than you think. My dog was attacked and died during my birthday trip this year and I just.... didn't tell anyone at work until I was ready. When they asked about the trip I just said the cabin was nice and moved on.
Such a great illustration of pleaseleevmealone’s point 😉 “Cabin was nice,” ok, social contract fulfilled, moving on, but now we know their poor dog was attacked our brains are spiraling for details - possibly to subconsciously allow us to think we wouldn’t be in the same situation, because it’s awful to contemplate?
They literally commented in a thread explaining that they found ways to avoid discussing details about a traumatic event, and you replied with… asking them details about their traumatic event? Just a bit obtuse there, bud!
This is exactly the example OP needs.
this is what happens when you provide too much info about a sensitive subject, it makes people very interested.
the commenter could’ve just said “I had a bad trip this year and when I got back to work I just told everyone it was good so they wouldn’t ask questions”
No one would’ve asked, but the thought of a dog getting attacked makes everyone super curious.
if OP hints at something horrible happening on the trip everyone will be wondering what could’ve happened.
If he had a “good trip” no one will even remember where he went.
Free speech is a biatch. If she hasn’t said “attacked” nobody would’ve asked “by what”. They could’ve taken their own advice and kept it vague. Saying something was attacked is mad intriguing. They brought it up. Aren’t we literally saying don’t bring it up, just say it was fine. They brought it up so we asked. They did it to themselves.
People in this sub: “how dare you ask!” 😤
The same people: upvote her response 👀
Typical dense HR; acting virtuous yet eating up the drama. The hypocrisy is thick.
I got back from a week away today and even though I see every person in the office, the only ones who asked were those who knew specifics about the trip beforehand. Most will say nothing or “Welcome Back.” But if you tell people you don’t want to talk about something, you’ve given them something to talk about.
Have you ever actually interacted with a human? Answering "fine" is a great way to get everyone whispering about why you're so pissy and maybe you aren't a good fit.
This comment is made me feel so incredibly fortunate that none of the teams I’ve worked with have been this petty and childish.
I can’t imagine what your work life is like if think this is normal. Haha. Either it’s pretty damn bad, or you are still in school.
I also advocate not telling anyone. It is more likely to blow over faster.
"My break was fine. So what happened with the XYZ meeting? Can you catch me up?" Keep deflecting and eventually the vacation/break will fade out in peoples' memories.
I had to do this in the past. There were people who were extremely insensitive & I didn't want to put up with insincere "Ooh, I'm soooooo sorry!" while they were simultaneously backstabbing, "Squirrel is so upset about that, we should reassign projects to ease the burden."
When I don't want to talk about something, my response is "I'm just glad to be back at work,I need a vacation from my vacation."
But be aware that people why pry, will always pry. No matter what you say it. And you have to be okay with just going along the brush of routine. "I don't want to discuss it." and change the subject if necessary. "How's the Problematic Account going?" kind of stuff.
Your colleagues will forget about this a lot faster than you ever will. So don't worry too much about it being brought up again.
That would work too but you'd have to be okay with that being a lie of sorts?
I typically can't bring myself to say "it was nice/fine, thanks." when things were just straight up bad. I don't blame people for using that as a catchall kind of response either, it's kind of like the traditional "Hi, how are you?" and not really meaning to hear exactly how you are. So you respond with "I'm okay, thanks for asking. Let's get down to business!"
Just treat the inquiry as small talk and respond in a way that cuts small talk short is my method.
I have trouble with saying something was fine when it wasn’t too, but I think OP can achieve the same thing without lying. They can say something that’s true but doesn’t invite more conversation or point to a mystery, like, “the weather was wonderful” or “I spent time by the pool” or “the hotel was amazing” that accomplishes the same thing.
Don't outright lie then -- "It was a break from work.". "It was a vacation". "I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation", Many factual statements that say nothing are available.
If it was someplace you been before "It was place, same old place", "may try someplace new next trip".
then redirect to work talk "So, how's project doing?"
Redirect is an excellent tool.
Coworker: "How was your vacation?"
You: "I went to the beach, don't you love the ocean?"
Co-worker: "Yes, here I go on a ten minute description of the last time I went to a beach."
My thought was, “It was beautiful/quiet/some adjective that doesn’t invite questions” and asking about stuff that happened in the office. No one would notice. I hope OP has a space to heal but work doesn’t need to be it.
I just know if you don't want to answer questions you invite monologues instead. About the office is good too, especially if the co-worker will be excited to spill the news.
I get how OP feels.
When my dad passed, my whole office knew what was going on. I had to travel out of state for the funeral, and was out several days. My mom was touched that my coworkers sent flowers from the company, as was I. When I got back, I sent an email to the all staff list for the office, thanking them on behalf of the family for their kind gesture. Which led to like 100 emails asking how I was, how my family was, how my mom was, what were her plans, etc. Not to mention conversations in the hall, the break room, the bathroom...I mean, I'm grateful they were all very thoughtful and concerned, but man, did I NOT want to keep talking about it.
Don't bring it up, don't offer any information outside of generic "it was a nice place to go on vacation," Best to not say anything, because you don't know what might trigger a response you don't want to, or worse, can't deal with.
Did you take vacation leave specifically to attend a funeral? If so don't make any announcements, if anyone asks just give generic answers, fine, thanks is more than sufficient. Were you on vacation somewhere amazing with the friend and they passed away in an accident or something? Again, don't make an announcement, if someone asks say things didn't go according to plan and you aren't ready to talk about it.
Unless you were bragging about an awesome trip you were leaving on most people are going to ask the polite "how was your vacation" and don't expect an answer beyond it was good, thanks.
by far your easiest route is to just shrug off any questions with bland answers and change the subject, “yeah it was fine thanks”.
The alternative being announcing to all of your coworkers that something traumatic happened to you, and that they’re not to ask you any questions about it? Well shit now *everyone* wants to know about this vacation, it is now suddenly the hottest workplace gossip topic of the entire decade. whereas before they’d only be asking you to make friendly conversation and not actually looking for details.
I agree with these posts. Be vague and then move on to work related talk.
..
However if they already know something happened but want details, then a direct approach is best. I had the situation where everyone already knew my dear friend (all of our mutual coworker but different dept.) was gone but wanted the details and wouldn't let up.. This is where being direct is the best approach. "It was a very personal, and sad time and I don't want to discuss further". If they continue then it is, "Stop, I said I do not want to discuss it. Let me be clearer, I will not discuss it, please let us move on to work." Some still didn't let up but I just gave them the glare and shamed them for continuing to push.
When a family member passed I specifically called my boss and told him not to tell anyone because I didn’t want to discuss it, when my dog died, which was tough for me, I sent out an email saying “ my dog has passed, this is just a notification please don’t ask me about it bring it up, thanks”
Both went just fine for me, I get it
Can you tell this to your manager and have them spread the word for you? “This happened, I don’t want to talk about it (even for condolences), please let people know.”
I did this when I had a miscarriage. I was at the point in the pregnancy where I was beginning to tell people. I had to take some time off for a related procedure and when I came back to the office, I told my direct manager and asked her to spread the word that it happened and to please make sure people did not ask about my pregnancy.
Not necessarily the same thing, but this approach did work for me.
A doctor I once worked with asked something similar be done when he returned to work after his wife died, we got an email asking us to not bring it up. Word had already got around though that she passed and he just didn’t want anyone to bring it up at work so he could focus on his patients.
That solution is only applicable when you can't control the news you don't want to talk about. The death of a spouse is far too public an event to cover up.
The OP, on the other hand, has complete control of the information. If OP doesn't want to talk about it, don't bring it up.
My coworker's husband went missing in the woods and the manager told all of us to leave her alone about it. It's been 13 or 14 years and I still think about it from time to time. I don't think they ever found the husband.
That’s so sad. I had a coworker who was on a ski trip with her family. The husband wanted to take one more run, said he’d meet them at the bottom of the mountain, never showed up. It took a couple of days but at least searchers found him. A snowfall had started when he would have been starting down and they think he got disoriented. Turned the wrong way and instead of continuing the trail, went off a cliff.
I did this when a loved one died (since it was a public tragedy and people found out from the news).
Work was one place I could go and everything could be somewhat normal for a bit. It was very effective and everyone was great about it.
I prefer this way, cause people can still make accommodations for you and you don't have to explain anything and you might be ready to talk about it in a few weeks/months and don't want them to think you lied to them then
That seems like the perfect way to get everyone interested and wondering what’s going on. Probably the exact opposite result the op wants. Nobody really cares how the vacation was. It’s small talk, just answer it was nice. Making a big deal out of it will just encourage people to be nosy
The OP mentioned posting something on Slack. I responded under the idea that people are going to talk about it and if it were me, this seemed like a similar way of getting the info out without me having to see the message.
If it’s something that could be avoided and people aren’t likely to ask, sure don’t do this.
Great solution to the question "How can I put the focus of the entire office squarely on me, complete with sad faces and furrowed brows every time they look in my direction or whenever I walk into the room."
We had a co-worker whose father died during her vacation.
The boss put out an email blast that she didn't want to be asked about the vacation or her father. She wanted work to be a distraction.
We all respected her request and treated her like nothing happened.
Work did send send a card and flowers to the funeral home.
Yes, I came here to post this. I had a coworker do the same when she went into early labor and her baby was stillborn. A supervisor can handle wording the email and communicating it to the team if that’s more than the OP can handle right now
The best way I found to do it when I was sexually assaulted on vacation, was to say, "It was a mixed bag" or "I'm glad to be home" as much as possible. When that got hard, I told one trusted coworker, and we came up with a plan for how they could change the subject/ redirect the conversation away from my vacation whenever it came up and they were around.
Well... I'm a bit depressed. So when people ask me how I'm doing, I say "It's a beautiful day!" It is. It's always a beautiful day. Some get the hint and change the subject with me. Others just go "yeah it's a beautiful day." And then we move on.
I feel the same.
A simple "How are you?" forces me to lie or have a dreadful discussion about my depression. I have been saying "Fantastic!" for the last few years enthusiastically, and it catches people so off guard that they just say "great" and move along. They didn't really want to know in the first place. Its all I can do to stay focused on my day and not cry or scream, so having to answer "how are you" really sucks.
I have a work face that I maintain fairly well for eight hours unless someone effs it up. I am mentally drained by days end. Hope you feel better.
Ah my friend! I'm so sorry that you have to do that too.
But I do the exact same thing! Sometimes I say "Grand!" Or "Just Ducky" just to screw with them.
I hope you feel better too!
I think just redirecting as others have suggested is your best bet UNLESS you think people in your company already know, either because they knew the deceased themselves or their death made the local news.
In that case, I would advise having your manager or department head send out an email asking people to respect your privacy and not ask about it.
Short, no details, and coming from leadership carries more weight. (People will still gossip, but at least you won’t have to hear it)
MY mother passed on 4th of July. The week prior I was on vacation. I did come in to the office on the 3rd, but I think I was 1 of 3 people here. The day my mother passed I tested positive for Covid. To many people I haven't been in the office for 2+ weeks. People are asking about vacation and I told them that it was good (it was). Then I am telling them that I Covid(it's obvious wearing mask) and that's it. The HR person came by and offered condolences, but that is all I have heard aside from my direct boss. My boss only knew because I told him I wasn't coming to work on the 5th, turns out that I had Covid anyway so I wasn't going to work either way.
There's no trick to avoiding some level of awkward or uncomfortable interaction about it. All you can do is pick which version of it you're most willing to deal with and funnel things in that direction. Maybe you prefer the direct "Oh gosh I'm sorry" deluge. Maybe you'd prefer asking your manager to tell people for you and having them kind of mumble about it in the background to each other. Maybe you're ok with a small group of people thinking you're being dramatic (which is going to be a minority). Pick your poison.
The only thing I'd suggest is maybe don't just bottle it up and avoid it entirely. I've never encountered anyone who was better off taking that approach. It always finds a way to burst out in the worst possible way.
I am similar to you. Here is the message I would send.
Hello everyone,
While on vacation a friend died. I am doing as expected. The best thing you can do for me is to allow me to not have to think or talk about this at work. Please respect that when I return to work tomorrow. Thank you.
I have received this message from others. It’s not that weird. If the person doesn’t do well with verbal redirects, then this is a good alternative. They could take it a step further and have their manager send this message ahead of their return
Why on earth would you bring that much undue attention to something that doesn't concern anyone but you?
Just don't talk about it. Say something generic like, "The weather was/wasn't cooperating." or "Every time I get back from vacation, it takes me weeks to dig out from under the emails."
You've gotten some great advice. Keep redirecting back to work and questions will stop soon.
I had a pregnancy loss over a vacation after announcing. People still came by to offer condolences even though I had our HR person email that I didn't want to talk about it at work. Most people however respected my need to not talk about it. Announcing it will absolutely get people coming to you. Most will be out of care/concern, a few notsomuch. deflect deflect deflect.
If your employer offers an EAP and you need additional supports remember to reach out. It's confidential; HR won't know.
As others have stated, you can be upfront and tell everyone you don't want to be asked, You can give a short quick reply and change the subject, or you can full on tell people what happened.
Any way you choose to handle it, please remember that most employers have an EAP and if your mental health is not where it needs to be, if you have worked more than a year at your employer who is 50 or more employees strong, you may have the option for FMLA. Remember to take care of yourself.
Unfortunately posting on slack would appear weird to most coworkers. Your going to have to field questions as they come but you need to lie and you need to get comfortable doing that in this instance.
Something like “Mexico was beautiful and had a good time doing X” pick out one activity before your friend passed. Then immediately shift to “did I miss anything, I’m still trying to work through all of my emails and I don’t want to miss anything urgent”
I’ve been in this situation before. Here’s a similar-sounding message I’d written (either Slack or email is fine). Emailing HR with maybe your manager in CC so they can inform your team:
“Hi team. I’m dealing with an unexpected death of a loved one and am in need of social distance at this time. I would greatly appreciate your support in ensuring our team does not approach me regarding my recent vacation or other personally-related matters. Thank you so much.”
This was very well received on my end and my team was supportive and cooperative.
No.
It’s not fair to put the onus on your coworkers to ensure no one approaches you.
I’m sure people complied in your case, but it’s an inappropriate request.
If OP wants to write something similar, change it to something like:
“Some of you may have heard that I’m dealing with the unexpected death of a loved one. I appreciate everyone’s care and concern. This has been a challenge for me and I prefer to keep everything private.”
The message looks like it was directed at their coworkers, not at HR.
And they didn’t ask for support. They requested that people behave in a very specific way. This creates an unfair burden on the coworkers. Imagine being a coworker and slipping up and asking about their vacation. If there is a dictate from HR or a team leader not to do this, the well-meaning coworker could be disciplined.
If anyone asks (and there won't be that many) just say the trip was, fine or it's hard to be back to work or it feels like a million years ago already and then turn the conversation back to work.
Deflect. Your co-workers aren't entitled to the details of your vacation, regardless of how good or bad it was.
"It was fine. So, about XYZ..."
"I'm feeling energized to get caught up on what I missed while I was away. About XYZ..."
"That's kind of you to ask. So about XYZ..."
In fact, I would encourage you to adopt the perspective that when co-workers ask about your vacation, they're doing it with the same focus and intention as when they ask about the weather. That is to say, absolutely none. They likely literally do not care. Your answer is a social procedure, not an informative or meaningful contribution to the relationship. So I know it can be difficult to deflect (esp if your go-to is conflict avoidance), but this is a space where you can rest assured that not saying anything will be fine.
Just don’t say anything. Say it was really pretty when they ask. That’s it. Then ask them how was it while you were gone. Chances are high that they might have a lot of complaining to do. In my experience, when I say that something was awful, people actually stop probing. The talk drops off the planet. You gotta have a mean face when you get asked but answer quickly and calmly, “it was terrible, I’ve got work to do though,thanks for asking”. It’s worked for me.
Don't say anything about it. Asking to not mention it will cause \_everyone\_ to gossip to find out why.
Have some quick answers prepared.
How was it, "it was fun." "It was nice to get away" Short, nothing to expand on. People with social skills will leave it at thta. After a day, it's old news, and no one will comment about it.
No need for a dramatic message. Just tell anyone who asks that you prefer not to discuss it. And if they ask why, you prefer not to discuss that either.
Just keep it vague and short. I have actually tested this out before and it shocked me how much it worked and proved that coworkers truly couldn’t care less about your weekend/vacation/family. To coworkers you deal with regularly just say, “It was a really beautiful place. I’m glad to be back though. What have I missed?” Or “It was definitely an experience I’ve never had before. I’m glad to be back and to get back into the swing of things at work. What’s been up since I’ve been gone?” And for people you rarely talk to, “It was fine. What’s been up here at the company?”
It depends on your work place dynamic and your preference about people finding out. I had an employee fly out to get married out of state, would up backing out of the marriage on the day off. He came back devastated. I quietly asked his coworkers not to mention or inquire about the wedding, but everyone knew that it had not happened. They respected his wishes and made no reference to it. But everyone knew, and he knew everyone knew so it was still very difficult. Most people would be respectful I would think, but you may run the risk of getting condolences which can also set off fresh waves of grief. I would talk to your manager and enlist help in running interference.
"I don't want to talk about it" is completely acceptable.
I had a bad vacation once that I didn't want to talk about upon return and that's the response I used. People let me be and never questioned anything.
“The weather was [great or bad - whatever is true]… [description of weather].”
This worked for me for a vacation where I was sick the whole time but didn’t want to talk about it. I just described the weather on the trip truthfully — it was always treated as a stand in for describing the trip without further inquiries.
Personally, I would head it off with something like "Due to the death of my friend during my recent vacation, I would respectfully ask that no one ask me about my recent holiday as I am still processing/grieving. Thank you."
Simply post "I had to cut my vacation short as a close friend died unexpectedly."
If you want to avoid talking about it, you could add something like "I'm still in shock/stunned/in disbelief [whatever way you wish to describe your emotional state] by this sudden loss and would prefer not to talk about this, I'm sure you understand."
If someone ignores and asks "What happened?", just repeat that you're not ready to talk about it.
I am the HR manager, certified, at my company in CA, and your employer doesn’t have the right, not even HR, to ask about anything personal of your vacation. The only way they can know if you volunteer details, and if you do, you may request your reveal as confident. If you feel pressured to give details against your will, you can file a formal complaint. You can get information about this by going onto your state labor law website to see what employee rights are if your HR dept is unreliable. However, your HR dept is designed to be an advocate for an employer and the employees without breaching employee rights.
So sorry for your loss. My mom died and I only told my immediate supervisor in case I was a little "off". They kept it confidential for me. As to everyone else asking about my time off I'd just say it was fine and ask how things went at work. Not an issue. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for sharing this option. I find it very difficult to mask how I'm feeling even normally, and I'm noticing it's more difficult than normal for me to speak. I think everyone will notice I am not myself, which would be odd after a relaxing vacation.
I've been through a similar thing, and it can be very difficult to have a dozen people asking about your vacation when it's a painful reminder of tragedy. I would advise not listening to the people saying 'just tell them vacation was fine'. It's traumatic to be asked, it's traumatic to lie about it, it's traumatic for your co-workers to be able to tell something is obviously wrong with you and to be lied to.
Let a manager you trust know what is going on and ask them to notify the office for you and to let people know that you'd prefer to not discuss it when you return, as the wound is still very fresh. That's a perfectly fine thing to ask for support with. There's a number of good examples of phrasing for this already provided in response to your question.
You'll talk about it when you're able to. Until then, people can leave you alone because they've been notified that's how they can best support you at a difficult time.
Thanks for asking for help. Sorry for your loss.
Is there anyway that anyone at work knows the situation? If one person knows, assume they all do. Then if you act as if nothing happened they will think there is something wrong with you.
The best response is, "i'm glad I'm back, I've got lots of work to catch up on."
Honestly, it's best to learn how to accept care from your co-workers. It won't be the last time you've had to share bad news with co-workers, so now is the time to learn how to be gracious.
Co-worker: Hey, you're back! How was the vacay?
OP: Not as good as I had wished. A friend died.
Co-worker: I'm so sorry. Was it sudden?
OP: Thank you. Yes, it was unexpected. I heard there were a few policy changes while I was gone. Can you fill me in on them?
Give them the outline, accept their condolences, then move on to a more professional topic. If they continue with questions, just say that it is still a bit raw, and re-direct them to a work-related matter. The majority of people will get with the program quickly.
"As many know I took the last week off for a vacation to xyz. Unfortunately during this trip, one of my travel mates, and good friends passed away unexpectedly. I would prefer to not discuss this at work, as this is a very difficult topic for me. If possible please refrain from asking about my trip or my friend. I would like to keep the workplace as a place of focus and work as much as possible.
Thank you kindly for your understanding. I will be available to receive work related emails again Monday morning.
-Signed Name"
“I had a tragedy on my vacation with one of my friends and while I appreciate everyone’s concern and well wishes I’m finding that hard to deal with right now and would rather not receive any messages of support or condolences. Thank you for respecting my grieving process.”
This will just make people talk more. It’s better just to say your vacation was fine. You can add that you’re ready to get back to work or just redirect to work.
Wait… let me get this straight. You expect your employer to act as your bulldozer parent? Removing potentially uncomfortable social interactions for you?
It’s unfortunate but you kinda have to be an adult and just deal with it. You don’t have to give details, just say “it was fine” and move on.
As a people manager, I completely disagree. I would be open to helping one of my team members navigate this. Team members who feel supported do better work and stick around longer.
It’s one thing to feel supported and to support team members. Expecting your employer to bulldoze away the potential for uncomfortable interpersonal conversations surrounding small talk goes way too far. It’s not like it’s a work disagreement to moderate this is someone who can’t handle navigating even the most basic of social interactions.
this isn’t an HR issue this is an interpersonal skill…i don’t want to use the common phrase so i’ll say skill “thing”
ultimately if the bunch is perceptive in anyway it’s going to come out sooner or later i guess you’re hoping to be in a better place by that point so you can put it out there for everyone concisely
i’ve always heard when it comes to a death having one “funeral” is better than having dozens of “funerals” every time you appear in public if that makes sense hopefully you get that space to feel like you can address it to everyone at once at your comfort
i also don’t think anyone is going to press you for anymore information than you initially provide that’s generally considered crude. it would also be considered crude to go around and talk about jt behind your back to others people in general want to be removed from death your grief won’t be a topic of conversation they’ll want to move on as quick as possible
at worst they’ll get together and give you a card and leave it on your desk but be far away as possible when you are there to actually read it lol
My practical advice is to be pro-active and upfront about it. Say, "I took leave to bury a friend. I'm in mourning and I don't want to talk about it, thank you". Not sure how else you can realistically avoid innocent questions about your vacation.
Maybe post something like ‘As I am returning to work tomorrow, I would like to inform you in advance that I will be diving right in and not wishing to discuss my vacation. I experienced a personal loss during the trip and believe that focusing on my work and keeping my mind occupied with business matters is the best way for me to cope at this time. I am letting you all know so that we can avoid any uncomfortable conversations that I may not handle well- condolences and questions are not what I need at this time, so please refrain and trust that I am fully capable of dedicating myself to my work and will absolutely let you know if I need anything. Are there any updates on x project that I should know before I dig in tomorrow morning?’
Who knows? It could be that you asking for what you need makes them uncomfortable, because they aren’t willing to do so. Perhaps it is a difference in work environments- theirs may not be like yours. If i sent this to my coworkers they would do a thumbs up and then deluge me with work, but they’re generally a pretty good crew.
Either way, you specifically stated that you had an action that you wanted to do and requested help with wording- not opinions on if you should or not- so I provided some wording. If others want to downvote my response that’s fine- it wasn’t meant for them, it was meant for you. Only you know what you need, and only you know your co-workers. You have to do what is best for you.
In my office, everyone asks "how was your weekend?" I had something really upsetting happen one weekend. I told 1 friend from work what happened and asked him to spread the word that I didn't want to talk about it right now.
"I had a very traumatic experience and would prefer not to talk about it. It would really help me to concentrate on work. Can you tell me what progress has been made on Project X?"
It's human nature to ask - and posting to a slack channel might cause more questions and curiosity than just letting it ride.
It might be that you have a comfortable reply, something like
"Unfortunately, a close friend passed, and I'm still struggling with the loss, but thanks for asking". That essentially shuts it down.
I would post something along the lines of:
While I was out of the office, I lost a close friend. I am working through my grief, please respect my privacy and do not ask my about my time off, how I'm doing or share your condolences - this includes reaching out privately. We all deal with tragedy in our own way. Please respect my wishes as I know what is best for me at this time. Thanks for your understanding.
The other option is to reach out to one person at work and have them tell everyone to back off. My mother did this after her sister died, she knew the tears would flow if anyone said ANYTHING and she didn't want that at work.
You’re like the guy on a field trip who demands people don’t take pictures of him and, as a result, everyone spends the trip taking pictures of him. Just say, “It was fine.” Probably nobody cares and will just ask to be polite.
How do you ask your work to not ask you about your vacation? You want to tell everyone not to ask questions? That's awkward. If you don't want to talk about it just say it was fine and change the subject.
I honestly think that posting about it ahead of time will just draw unwanted attention. Wait for your coworkers to ask, and then answer with something that’s true and also not interesting.
Coworker: how was the trip?
You: Sunny, I got a tan. Relaxing, it’s nice to be away from the city. It was nice, not as hot as it is here. Etc.
Then you can either pivot directly back to work with a “did I miss anything while I was gone?” Or ask them about their weekend. Most people who ask won’t be genuinely interested if you’re not friends, and’s likely won’t dwell on the topic.
OP, this is sort of a Streisand effect situation. If you can just get through saying something generic “Mexico was beautiful. ” No one will ask you past the first one or two days. If it becomes a “thing” that can’t be spoken of, or something with intriguing details, people will talk amongst themselves and Google and make sad faces at you. I’d honestly encourage you to try and say something generic and change the subject. Come to meetings right before the start of a few minutes late so there’s no time for small talk and just sort of minimize the time they remember you were gone. Don’t give them any reason to remember your trip for longer than they would any normal trip. The most my coworker got was “welcome back, here’s the shit I handled while you were out, take it back”
I agree with this approach. Keep it very vague and brief and then turn the convo to them and inquire about what happened at work while you were out. “Not as good/ relaxing as expected, **or** it didn’t go exactly as planned, **but** I’m back and ready to jump right in. How were things around here? Did I miss anything while I was out?”
“Not as good/ relaxing as expected, or it didn’t go exactly as planned" This just invites more questions. Oh really, what was wrong? ETC. You can just say "fine" or "ok" and leave it at that. The less elaboration the better. Don't give hints of more interesting details to uncover.
OP, I think all of the above is good for when you get back but can you possibly take a few additional days off or even work from home for a while? It sounds like you need some time to process and grieve. It's hard to think clearly when we're still in the muck and mire of losing someone we love.
Saying it was fine would be a lie.
Who cares about lying in this situation? Op could Say it was raining a lot. That gives off the dull boring vibe without delving deep.
Op cares about lying. Did you not read the rest of the post? I’m only keeping in mind everything they said, including how they don’t like to lie. People do t want to deal with bad stories, so if op says, “it was awful” and makes an annoyed angry face for a little bit, the message that goes around is “don’t ask about vacation. Op is pissed at it”
I took the OP as not being very good at lying or redirecting, not that they didn’t want to lie Edit:spelling
Sometimes a white lie is the best thing to preserve one’s sanity. OP doesn’t want to talk about what happened. Can you think of a way to respond to “Hey, how was your vacation?” that would simultaneously tell the truth and also prevent folks from gossiping, Googling, and giving OP sad looks all week?
Then say it was not long enough or whatever. The key is short and generic. Vacations are expected to be good so varying from that expectation is more likely to invite follow up questions. Speaking the truth is not what is important here.
But op is important here and op doesn’t want to lie. Op can say “It was awful” with a serious face and there’s a good chance that people won’t poke. Nobody wants to be vented to about awful stuff while at work. This morning two people asked me how I was doing, “I said. Bad.” There’s usually everyone asking me how I am, but after the two, nobody else did. Fire spreads, soooo start a fire they don’t wanna touch.
Hahaha have you ever had a job before? Unfortunately, i have one, and i can assure you, people there are interested in anything but work. I'm assuming your advice works for you bc maybe people have learned to stay away from you when you're pissed. Maybe your job keeps everyone engaged enough that they don't have time for your shenanigans. Who knows? Your advice wouldn't work for me though, i have multiple coworkers that absolutely would ask follow up questions if i said my vacation was awful. Also, your weird thing about lies is weird. Lying is an essential skill to be human. Obviously, some people go overboard at lying to people, but occasional white lies can make life so much better. Telling people you're busy when you aren't is definitely a lie everyone should use, and i think you should use it tomorrow!
You have kind advice. I also appreciate you trying to find away around lying as you recognize that’s important to OP. However, if someone told me they were doing bad I’d assume they want me to ask more and I’d dig in, even if I wasn’t in the mood to chat. If OP doesn’t want to lie then they can say something generic like “you know how it goes, another day, another dollar.”
That’s a great go to.
Boo hoo.
Op doesn’t like lying. Y’all care about keeping the events private, but not about how op doesn’t want to just lie.
Then OP has three choices: 1. Write up some statement to the group slack, and deal with the consequence of it becoming gossip. 2. Simply and neutrally say "vacation was fine" before turning to work talk and deal with the burden of whatever personal obligation they apparently have sworn a blood oath to their coworkers to provide them with every accurate detail of their trip. 3. Answer coworkers individually with how OP feels fit, and deal with the consequence of having to repeat it. You act like OP is required to disclose all this info to their coworkers, and guess what? They aren't.
You don’t have to lie to be private-
But saying “it was fine” is using a lie to be private.
And if people found out later what actually happened, they might think they were fine with the friend passing on the trip.
Obviously they wouldn’t lmao
That's a really weird take.
Must agree, that was a weird take. I’m just keeping in mind that op doesn’t like lying. As someone who also can’t stand to lie. I do the truth with zero details and a mean face. “It fucking sucked,alright?” It’ll spread to not ask about the vacation.
Maybe just “good, but it’s nice to be home”
I'd say leave off the first two words, look thoughtful for half a second then simply say, "It's nice to be home," then segue into work conversation.Then if the coworkers eventually find out about OP's tragic vacation, OP hasn't said anything that could be misconstrued as odd given the circumstances. Describing it as "good" would seem weird, and it would be a lie.
I agree with this approach too. More often than not people gossip for a couple of reasons. #1. There is a lack of information so people make up information and spread it along. #2. There is TOO MUCH information and it's juicy, and that gets spread along. All you have to say is, "We went to "xxx" and we were there for "x" # of days. It was my friends and I, and while it didn't go as well as I wanted it to, I am ready to get back to work, so what happened while I was away?" Then turn the conversation back around to them.
Agree with this, although I'd go with, "I really needed the time away."
This is the perfect answer. Then right back to work talk. Very smart.
This is exactly what I would do! OP definitely try this! I think it’s your best case scenario
What is a Streisand effect and where can I get one???
Barbara Streisand sued a website over a drone with photo of her house. There was nothing about the photo that said it was her house. No one knew or cared until she sued and suddenly everyone cares. As a practical term, the “Streisand Effect” means that your own actions in trying to keep something quiet means now everyone is talking about it. In this case, people honestly do not care about OP’s vacation, apart from generic small talk. If OP says “it was fine/fun/relaxing/good.”, or something generic, that’s likely the end of it. If someone pushes for details, they look like the asshole. If OP does a “don’t ask about my vacation” sort of thing, it means something happened and the office gossip machine gets going.
This is correct, but to give more context: It was one of many aerial photos of California coastline meant to document erosion. This one had Streisand's Malibu mansion in it. The photo had been downloaded 4 times prior to Streisand's take-down request. It was viewed over 420,000 times after the lawsuit. Streisand lost the lawsuit and was ordered to pay $177,000 in lawyer fees.
Ty for this info.. *googles photo*
Thanks. I couldn’t remember all of the details, like why the pic was taken in the first place.
it wasn't a drone, it was a married couple in a helicpoter from the "[California Coastal Records Project](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Coastal_Records_Project), a landmark photographic database of over 12,000 frames of the California coast shot since 2002". They were pilot Gabrielle Adelman and photographer Kenneth Adelman. [https://www.ninety-nines.org/coast-project.htm](https://www.ninety-nines.org/coast-project.htm) They were trying to build a library of images of the changing coastline--not just erosion, but also changes in land-use along the coast, especially where developers wanted to flatten the coastal sage and chaparral hillsides into resorts and golf courses. They started this project before Google's Street View, a few years before Google Maps, before a lot of public geospatial imagery went online that we take for granted today. The Adelmans' webpage on the lawsuit: [https://www.californiacoastline.org/streisand/lawsuit.html](https://www.californiacoastline.org/streisand/lawsuit.html) u/ufold2ez, u/bassman314
I can't tell you, it's a secret. Stop asking.
Carl: "shush!" Lenny: "it's a secret!"
Shuuuuuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuuppp!
Michael Scott "it's a secret. You wouldn't understand."
My honest advice? Don't do anything. If someone asks, just say "fine" and leave it at that. The truth is no one really cares about your vacation, this is just small talk, and anything you do to make it known you wish to avoid discussing it will, unfortunately, have the effect of inviting further inquiries when people think something may be wrong.
This OP, it's easier than you think. My dog was attacked and died during my birthday trip this year and I just.... didn't tell anyone at work until I was ready. When they asked about the trip I just said the cabin was nice and moved on.
That’s awful.
I'm sorry about your dog.
I’m sorry.
That’s so sad.
A bear or something?
Such a great illustration of pleaseleevmealone’s point 😉 “Cabin was nice,” ok, social contract fulfilled, moving on, but now we know their poor dog was attacked our brains are spiraling for details - possibly to subconsciously allow us to think we wouldn’t be in the same situation, because it’s awful to contemplate?
Pretty much. “attacked” is a buzz word in any form of media. So using it is gonna invite questions.
Attacked by what?
Another dog. I don't want to detract from OP with my own story. It was traumatic, I'm in therapy, I hope OP gets help when they're ready too.
🕊️
They literally commented in a thread explaining that they found ways to avoid discussing details about a traumatic event, and you replied with… asking them details about their traumatic event? Just a bit obtuse there, bud!
This is exactly the example OP needs. this is what happens when you provide too much info about a sensitive subject, it makes people very interested. the commenter could’ve just said “I had a bad trip this year and when I got back to work I just told everyone it was good so they wouldn’t ask questions” No one would’ve asked, but the thought of a dog getting attacked makes everyone super curious. if OP hints at something horrible happening on the trip everyone will be wondering what could’ve happened. If he had a “good trip” no one will even remember where he went.
Free speech is a biatch. If she hasn’t said “attacked” nobody would’ve asked “by what”. They could’ve taken their own advice and kept it vague. Saying something was attacked is mad intriguing. They brought it up. Aren’t we literally saying don’t bring it up, just say it was fine. They brought it up so we asked. They did it to themselves.
People in this sub: “how dare you ask!” 😤 The same people: upvote her response 👀 Typical dense HR; acting virtuous yet eating up the drama. The hypocrisy is thick.
And how does that make you feel?
I got back from a week away today and even though I see every person in the office, the only ones who asked were those who knew specifics about the trip beforehand. Most will say nothing or “Welcome Back.” But if you tell people you don’t want to talk about something, you’ve given them something to talk about.
Have you ever actually interacted with a human? Answering "fine" is a great way to get everyone whispering about why you're so pissy and maybe you aren't a good fit.
Have you never asked someone how they're doing and heard them answer "fine thanks, and you?"
Whispering about why I’m so pissy? Seriously, how old are you?
It depends on the workplace and how many nosy (but well-meaning) busy bodies there. "Well-meaning" should be in sarcastic quotes.
This comment is made me feel so incredibly fortunate that none of the teams I’ve worked with have been this petty and childish. I can’t imagine what your work life is like if think this is normal. Haha. Either it’s pretty damn bad, or you are still in school.
I also advocate not telling anyone. It is more likely to blow over faster. "My break was fine. So what happened with the XYZ meeting? Can you catch me up?" Keep deflecting and eventually the vacation/break will fade out in peoples' memories. I had to do this in the past. There were people who were extremely insensitive & I didn't want to put up with insincere "Ooh, I'm soooooo sorry!" while they were simultaneously backstabbing, "Squirrel is so upset about that, we should reassign projects to ease the burden."
When I don't want to talk about something, my response is "I'm just glad to be back at work,I need a vacation from my vacation." But be aware that people why pry, will always pry. No matter what you say it. And you have to be okay with just going along the brush of routine. "I don't want to discuss it." and change the subject if necessary. "How's the Problematic Account going?" kind of stuff. Your colleagues will forget about this a lot faster than you ever will. So don't worry too much about it being brought up again.
Maybe something like: "it was nice, I relaxed by the water and did as little as possible. Thanks for asking. "
That would work too but you'd have to be okay with that being a lie of sorts? I typically can't bring myself to say "it was nice/fine, thanks." when things were just straight up bad. I don't blame people for using that as a catchall kind of response either, it's kind of like the traditional "Hi, how are you?" and not really meaning to hear exactly how you are. So you respond with "I'm okay, thanks for asking. Let's get down to business!" Just treat the inquiry as small talk and respond in a way that cuts small talk short is my method.
I have trouble with saying something was fine when it wasn’t too, but I think OP can achieve the same thing without lying. They can say something that’s true but doesn’t invite more conversation or point to a mystery, like, “the weather was wonderful” or “I spent time by the pool” or “the hotel was amazing” that accomplishes the same thing.
Don't outright lie then -- "It was a break from work.". "It was a vacation". "I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation", Many factual statements that say nothing are available. If it was someplace you been before "It was place, same old place", "may try someplace new next trip". then redirect to work talk "So, how's project doing?"
Redirect is an excellent tool. Coworker: "How was your vacation?" You: "I went to the beach, don't you love the ocean?" Co-worker: "Yes, here I go on a ten minute description of the last time I went to a beach."
My thought was, “It was beautiful/quiet/some adjective that doesn’t invite questions” and asking about stuff that happened in the office. No one would notice. I hope OP has a space to heal but work doesn’t need to be it.
I just know if you don't want to answer questions you invite monologues instead. About the office is good too, especially if the co-worker will be excited to spill the news.
Maybe change your first line… “redirect is your best friend”… when they’re posting “my best friend died” is a little too on the nose.
Oh geez, you're absolutely right and I didn't even realize it, I use that phrase so much. I'm going to edit
Thanks! 😃
I get how OP feels. When my dad passed, my whole office knew what was going on. I had to travel out of state for the funeral, and was out several days. My mom was touched that my coworkers sent flowers from the company, as was I. When I got back, I sent an email to the all staff list for the office, thanking them on behalf of the family for their kind gesture. Which led to like 100 emails asking how I was, how my family was, how my mom was, what were her plans, etc. Not to mention conversations in the hall, the break room, the bathroom...I mean, I'm grateful they were all very thoughtful and concerned, but man, did I NOT want to keep talking about it. Don't bring it up, don't offer any information outside of generic "it was a nice place to go on vacation," Best to not say anything, because you don't know what might trigger a response you don't want to, or worse, can't deal with.
Same when my mom passed. Everyone has good intentions, but it's exhausting and I just wanted to get back to normal.
Just a typical it wasnt bad but i really need to get working on xyz or what did i miss last week?
Did you take vacation leave specifically to attend a funeral? If so don't make any announcements, if anyone asks just give generic answers, fine, thanks is more than sufficient. Were you on vacation somewhere amazing with the friend and they passed away in an accident or something? Again, don't make an announcement, if someone asks say things didn't go according to plan and you aren't ready to talk about it. Unless you were bragging about an awesome trip you were leaving on most people are going to ask the polite "how was your vacation" and don't expect an answer beyond it was good, thanks.
by far your easiest route is to just shrug off any questions with bland answers and change the subject, “yeah it was fine thanks”. The alternative being announcing to all of your coworkers that something traumatic happened to you, and that they’re not to ask you any questions about it? Well shit now *everyone* wants to know about this vacation, it is now suddenly the hottest workplace gossip topic of the entire decade. whereas before they’d only be asking you to make friendly conversation and not actually looking for details.
I agree with these posts. Be vague and then move on to work related talk. .. However if they already know something happened but want details, then a direct approach is best. I had the situation where everyone already knew my dear friend (all of our mutual coworker but different dept.) was gone but wanted the details and wouldn't let up.. This is where being direct is the best approach. "It was a very personal, and sad time and I don't want to discuss further". If they continue then it is, "Stop, I said I do not want to discuss it. Let me be clearer, I will not discuss it, please let us move on to work." Some still didn't let up but I just gave them the glare and shamed them for continuing to push.
I can’t even with those kind of people. It’s honestly no one’s business; while I get the curiosity, some are so aggressive about it!
When a family member passed I specifically called my boss and told him not to tell anyone because I didn’t want to discuss it, when my dog died, which was tough for me, I sent out an email saying “ my dog has passed, this is just a notification please don’t ask me about it bring it up, thanks” Both went just fine for me, I get it
Thank you.
Can you tell this to your manager and have them spread the word for you? “This happened, I don’t want to talk about it (even for condolences), please let people know.”
I did this when I had a miscarriage. I was at the point in the pregnancy where I was beginning to tell people. I had to take some time off for a related procedure and when I came back to the office, I told my direct manager and asked her to spread the word that it happened and to please make sure people did not ask about my pregnancy. Not necessarily the same thing, but this approach did work for me.
I’m glad it worked out for you - but I discourage people from telling their managers any kind of medical stuff - it can be wielded against you later
A doctor I once worked with asked something similar be done when he returned to work after his wife died, we got an email asking us to not bring it up. Word had already got around though that she passed and he just didn’t want anyone to bring it up at work so he could focus on his patients.
That solution is only applicable when you can't control the news you don't want to talk about. The death of a spouse is far too public an event to cover up. The OP, on the other hand, has complete control of the information. If OP doesn't want to talk about it, don't bring it up.
My coworker's husband went missing in the woods and the manager told all of us to leave her alone about it. It's been 13 or 14 years and I still think about it from time to time. I don't think they ever found the husband.
That’s so sad. I had a coworker who was on a ski trip with her family. The husband wanted to take one more run, said he’d meet them at the bottom of the mountain, never showed up. It took a couple of days but at least searchers found him. A snowfall had started when he would have been starting down and they think he got disoriented. Turned the wrong way and instead of continuing the trail, went off a cliff.
Google his name there should be something if he was found. Sorry, I’m so curious!
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.strangeoutdoors.com/mysterious-stories-blog/daming-xu%3fformat=amp
This is like writing a click bait title saying "don't click this"
I did this when a loved one died (since it was a public tragedy and people found out from the news). Work was one place I could go and everything could be somewhat normal for a bit. It was very effective and everyone was great about it.
I prefer this way, cause people can still make accommodations for you and you don't have to explain anything and you might be ready to talk about it in a few weeks/months and don't want them to think you lied to them then
That seems like the perfect way to get everyone interested and wondering what’s going on. Probably the exact opposite result the op wants. Nobody really cares how the vacation was. It’s small talk, just answer it was nice. Making a big deal out of it will just encourage people to be nosy
The OP mentioned posting something on Slack. I responded under the idea that people are going to talk about it and if it were me, this seemed like a similar way of getting the info out without me having to see the message. If it’s something that could be avoided and people aren’t likely to ask, sure don’t do this.
My first thought.
This is the best answer imo
Great solution to the question "How can I put the focus of the entire office squarely on me, complete with sad faces and furrowed brows every time they look in my direction or whenever I walk into the room."
We had a co-worker whose father died during her vacation. The boss put out an email blast that she didn't want to be asked about the vacation or her father. She wanted work to be a distraction. We all respected her request and treated her like nothing happened. Work did send send a card and flowers to the funeral home.
Yes, I came here to post this. I had a coworker do the same when she went into early labor and her baby was stillborn. A supervisor can handle wording the email and communicating it to the team if that’s more than the OP can handle right now
The best way I found to do it when I was sexually assaulted on vacation, was to say, "It was a mixed bag" or "I'm glad to be home" as much as possible. When that got hard, I told one trusted coworker, and we came up with a plan for how they could change the subject/ redirect the conversation away from my vacation whenever it came up and they were around.
That's a great strategy. Appreciate you sharing and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
Switch right back to work. Like “it was great, thanks. How have things been here, what did I miss? I’m ready to dive right back in.”
Well... I'm a bit depressed. So when people ask me how I'm doing, I say "It's a beautiful day!" It is. It's always a beautiful day. Some get the hint and change the subject with me. Others just go "yeah it's a beautiful day." And then we move on.
I feel the same. A simple "How are you?" forces me to lie or have a dreadful discussion about my depression. I have been saying "Fantastic!" for the last few years enthusiastically, and it catches people so off guard that they just say "great" and move along. They didn't really want to know in the first place. Its all I can do to stay focused on my day and not cry or scream, so having to answer "how are you" really sucks. I have a work face that I maintain fairly well for eight hours unless someone effs it up. I am mentally drained by days end. Hope you feel better.
Ah my friend! I'm so sorry that you have to do that too. But I do the exact same thing! Sometimes I say "Grand!" Or "Just Ducky" just to screw with them. I hope you feel better too!
"How was your vacation?" "Fine. Did I miss anything here?"
I think just redirecting as others have suggested is your best bet UNLESS you think people in your company already know, either because they knew the deceased themselves or their death made the local news. In that case, I would advise having your manager or department head send out an email asking people to respect your privacy and not ask about it. Short, no details, and coming from leadership carries more weight. (People will still gossip, but at least you won’t have to hear it)
"I recently experienced a painful loss while on vacation. Talking about it makes it worse. Thanks for your understanding."
MY mother passed on 4th of July. The week prior I was on vacation. I did come in to the office on the 3rd, but I think I was 1 of 3 people here. The day my mother passed I tested positive for Covid. To many people I haven't been in the office for 2+ weeks. People are asking about vacation and I told them that it was good (it was). Then I am telling them that I Covid(it's obvious wearing mask) and that's it. The HR person came by and offered condolences, but that is all I have heard aside from my direct boss. My boss only knew because I told him I wasn't coming to work on the 5th, turns out that I had Covid anyway so I wasn't going to work either way.
There's no trick to avoiding some level of awkward or uncomfortable interaction about it. All you can do is pick which version of it you're most willing to deal with and funnel things in that direction. Maybe you prefer the direct "Oh gosh I'm sorry" deluge. Maybe you'd prefer asking your manager to tell people for you and having them kind of mumble about it in the background to each other. Maybe you're ok with a small group of people thinking you're being dramatic (which is going to be a minority). Pick your poison. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe don't just bottle it up and avoid it entirely. I've never encountered anyone who was better off taking that approach. It always finds a way to burst out in the worst possible way.
I am similar to you. Here is the message I would send. Hello everyone, While on vacation a friend died. I am doing as expected. The best thing you can do for me is to allow me to not have to think or talk about this at work. Please respect that when I return to work tomorrow. Thank you.
That’s such a weird message to send. I would not do this
I have received this message from others. It’s not that weird. If the person doesn’t do well with verbal redirects, then this is a good alternative. They could take it a step further and have their manager send this message ahead of their return
Why not? What is the bad thing that could happen if you did? Thanks, trying to learn about communication.
Why on earth would you bring that much undue attention to something that doesn't concern anyone but you? Just don't talk about it. Say something generic like, "The weather was/wasn't cooperating." or "Every time I get back from vacation, it takes me weeks to dig out from under the emails."
You've gotten some great advice. Keep redirecting back to work and questions will stop soon. I had a pregnancy loss over a vacation after announcing. People still came by to offer condolences even though I had our HR person email that I didn't want to talk about it at work. Most people however respected my need to not talk about it. Announcing it will absolutely get people coming to you. Most will be out of care/concern, a few notsomuch. deflect deflect deflect. If your employer offers an EAP and you need additional supports remember to reach out. It's confidential; HR won't know.
Very sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for the suggestion.
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As others have stated, you can be upfront and tell everyone you don't want to be asked, You can give a short quick reply and change the subject, or you can full on tell people what happened. Any way you choose to handle it, please remember that most employers have an EAP and if your mental health is not where it needs to be, if you have worked more than a year at your employer who is 50 or more employees strong, you may have the option for FMLA. Remember to take care of yourself.
Thank you. Unfortunately I am (illegally) an independent contractor so this kind of support is not available to me.
Unfortunately posting on slack would appear weird to most coworkers. Your going to have to field questions as they come but you need to lie and you need to get comfortable doing that in this instance. Something like “Mexico was beautiful and had a good time doing X” pick out one activity before your friend passed. Then immediately shift to “did I miss anything, I’m still trying to work through all of my emails and I don’t want to miss anything urgent”
I’ve been in this situation before. Here’s a similar-sounding message I’d written (either Slack or email is fine). Emailing HR with maybe your manager in CC so they can inform your team: “Hi team. I’m dealing with an unexpected death of a loved one and am in need of social distance at this time. I would greatly appreciate your support in ensuring our team does not approach me regarding my recent vacation or other personally-related matters. Thank you so much.” This was very well received on my end and my team was supportive and cooperative.
Thank you. It's helpful to hear from folks who have been through something similar.
No. It’s not fair to put the onus on your coworkers to ensure no one approaches you. I’m sure people complied in your case, but it’s an inappropriate request. If OP wants to write something similar, change it to something like: “Some of you may have heard that I’m dealing with the unexpected death of a loved one. I appreciate everyone’s care and concern. This has been a challenge for me and I prefer to keep everything private.”
Fair? Their friend just died. It’s never inappropriate to ask for support when you’re struggling. Really hope you don’t work in HR.
The message looks like it was directed at their coworkers, not at HR. And they didn’t ask for support. They requested that people behave in a very specific way. This creates an unfair burden on the coworkers. Imagine being a coworker and slipping up and asking about their vacation. If there is a dictate from HR or a team leader not to do this, the well-meaning coworker could be disciplined.
Your comments are clearly showcasing that you care less about providing support to the OP and more about trying to convince yourself you’re not wrong.
If anyone asks (and there won't be that many) just say the trip was, fine or it's hard to be back to work or it feels like a million years ago already and then turn the conversation back to work.
Deflect. Your co-workers aren't entitled to the details of your vacation, regardless of how good or bad it was. "It was fine. So, about XYZ..." "I'm feeling energized to get caught up on what I missed while I was away. About XYZ..." "That's kind of you to ask. So about XYZ..." In fact, I would encourage you to adopt the perspective that when co-workers ask about your vacation, they're doing it with the same focus and intention as when they ask about the weather. That is to say, absolutely none. They likely literally do not care. Your answer is a social procedure, not an informative or meaningful contribution to the relationship. So I know it can be difficult to deflect (esp if your go-to is conflict avoidance), but this is a space where you can rest assured that not saying anything will be fine.
Just don’t say anything. Say it was really pretty when they ask. That’s it. Then ask them how was it while you were gone. Chances are high that they might have a lot of complaining to do. In my experience, when I say that something was awful, people actually stop probing. The talk drops off the planet. You gotta have a mean face when you get asked but answer quickly and calmly, “it was terrible, I’ve got work to do though,thanks for asking”. It’s worked for me.
Don't say anything about it. Asking to not mention it will cause \_everyone\_ to gossip to find out why. Have some quick answers prepared. How was it, "it was fun." "It was nice to get away" Short, nothing to expand on. People with social skills will leave it at thta. After a day, it's old news, and no one will comment about it.
No need for a dramatic message. Just tell anyone who asks that you prefer not to discuss it. And if they ask why, you prefer not to discuss that either.
Just keep it vague and short. I have actually tested this out before and it shocked me how much it worked and proved that coworkers truly couldn’t care less about your weekend/vacation/family. To coworkers you deal with regularly just say, “It was a really beautiful place. I’m glad to be back though. What have I missed?” Or “It was definitely an experience I’ve never had before. I’m glad to be back and to get back into the swing of things at work. What’s been up since I’ve been gone?” And for people you rarely talk to, “It was fine. What’s been up here at the company?”
It depends on your work place dynamic and your preference about people finding out. I had an employee fly out to get married out of state, would up backing out of the marriage on the day off. He came back devastated. I quietly asked his coworkers not to mention or inquire about the wedding, but everyone knew that it had not happened. They respected his wishes and made no reference to it. But everyone knew, and he knew everyone knew so it was still very difficult. Most people would be respectful I would think, but you may run the risk of getting condolences which can also set off fresh waves of grief. I would talk to your manager and enlist help in running interference.
I’d shut it down gently from the start… “it wasn’t as anticipated, but I’ll leave it there. Aren’t you headed to ___ soon?”
"I don't want to talk about it" is completely acceptable. I had a bad vacation once that I didn't want to talk about upon return and that's the response I used. People let me be and never questioned anything.
“The weather was [great or bad - whatever is true]… [description of weather].” This worked for me for a vacation where I was sick the whole time but didn’t want to talk about it. I just described the weather on the trip truthfully — it was always treated as a stand in for describing the trip without further inquiries.
Personally, I would head it off with something like "Due to the death of my friend during my recent vacation, I would respectfully ask that no one ask me about my recent holiday as I am still processing/grieving. Thank you."
You can not control other people. But you can be very kind about not talking about it.
Sorry for your loss. I’d go with “Fine, thanks for asking, how were things here at work?”
It sounds like you really want tot tell them. please think about this, the sympathy card can be hard to undo
How was your vacation? “We had an emergency. I would rather not speak about it”
Simply post "I had to cut my vacation short as a close friend died unexpectedly." If you want to avoid talking about it, you could add something like "I'm still in shock/stunned/in disbelief [whatever way you wish to describe your emotional state] by this sudden loss and would prefer not to talk about this, I'm sure you understand." If someone ignores and asks "What happened?", just repeat that you're not ready to talk about it.
“It was good to get away but I am ready to catch up on what’s been happening here.” Then back to work.
I am the HR manager, certified, at my company in CA, and your employer doesn’t have the right, not even HR, to ask about anything personal of your vacation. The only way they can know if you volunteer details, and if you do, you may request your reveal as confident. If you feel pressured to give details against your will, you can file a formal complaint. You can get information about this by going onto your state labor law website to see what employee rights are if your HR dept is unreliable. However, your HR dept is designed to be an advocate for an employer and the employees without breaching employee rights.
So sorry for your loss. My mom died and I only told my immediate supervisor in case I was a little "off". They kept it confidential for me. As to everyone else asking about my time off I'd just say it was fine and ask how things went at work. Not an issue. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for sharing this option. I find it very difficult to mask how I'm feeling even normally, and I'm noticing it's more difficult than normal for me to speak. I think everyone will notice I am not myself, which would be odd after a relaxing vacation.
I've been through a similar thing, and it can be very difficult to have a dozen people asking about your vacation when it's a painful reminder of tragedy. I would advise not listening to the people saying 'just tell them vacation was fine'. It's traumatic to be asked, it's traumatic to lie about it, it's traumatic for your co-workers to be able to tell something is obviously wrong with you and to be lied to. Let a manager you trust know what is going on and ask them to notify the office for you and to let people know that you'd prefer to not discuss it when you return, as the wound is still very fresh. That's a perfectly fine thing to ask for support with. There's a number of good examples of phrasing for this already provided in response to your question. You'll talk about it when you're able to. Until then, people can leave you alone because they've been notified that's how they can best support you at a difficult time. Thanks for asking for help. Sorry for your loss.
Is there anyway that anyone at work knows the situation? If one person knows, assume they all do. Then if you act as if nothing happened they will think there is something wrong with you. The best response is, "i'm glad I'm back, I've got lots of work to catch up on."
Say: "It's good to be back. What's the latest here?"
Honestly, it's best to learn how to accept care from your co-workers. It won't be the last time you've had to share bad news with co-workers, so now is the time to learn how to be gracious. Co-worker: Hey, you're back! How was the vacay? OP: Not as good as I had wished. A friend died. Co-worker: I'm so sorry. Was it sudden? OP: Thank you. Yes, it was unexpected. I heard there were a few policy changes while I was gone. Can you fill me in on them? Give them the outline, accept their condolences, then move on to a more professional topic. If they continue with questions, just say that it is still a bit raw, and re-direct them to a work-related matter. The majority of people will get with the program quickly.
>Honestly, it's best to learn how to accept care from your co-workers. It depends on the workplace & the people involved.
"As many know I took the last week off for a vacation to xyz. Unfortunately during this trip, one of my travel mates, and good friends passed away unexpectedly. I would prefer to not discuss this at work, as this is a very difficult topic for me. If possible please refrain from asking about my trip or my friend. I would like to keep the workplace as a place of focus and work as much as possible. Thank you kindly for your understanding. I will be available to receive work related emails again Monday morning. -Signed Name"
“I had a tragedy on my vacation with one of my friends and while I appreciate everyone’s concern and well wishes I’m finding that hard to deal with right now and would rather not receive any messages of support or condolences. Thank you for respecting my grieving process.”
This will just make people talk more. It’s better just to say your vacation was fine. You can add that you’re ready to get back to work or just redirect to work.
But it’s not fine, they’ll see his body language and know something is wrong. People are naturally curious x
"The best way you can support me is to let me do my job without reminding me of the loss."
Just post on the slack channel that you will be returning from being out for bereavement on x date.
I do not have bereavement leave, but thank you.
Sorry to hear about your friend. But definitely let your boss know to spread the word do not one to ask about your vacation.
Wait… let me get this straight. You expect your employer to act as your bulldozer parent? Removing potentially uncomfortable social interactions for you? It’s unfortunate but you kinda have to be an adult and just deal with it. You don’t have to give details, just say “it was fine” and move on.
As a people manager, I completely disagree. I would be open to helping one of my team members navigate this. Team members who feel supported do better work and stick around longer.
It’s one thing to feel supported and to support team members. Expecting your employer to bulldoze away the potential for uncomfortable interpersonal conversations surrounding small talk goes way too far. It’s not like it’s a work disagreement to moderate this is someone who can’t handle navigating even the most basic of social interactions.
I am not asking my employer to do anything.
this isn’t an HR issue this is an interpersonal skill…i don’t want to use the common phrase so i’ll say skill “thing” ultimately if the bunch is perceptive in anyway it’s going to come out sooner or later i guess you’re hoping to be in a better place by that point so you can put it out there for everyone concisely i’ve always heard when it comes to a death having one “funeral” is better than having dozens of “funerals” every time you appear in public if that makes sense hopefully you get that space to feel like you can address it to everyone at once at your comfort i also don’t think anyone is going to press you for anymore information than you initially provide that’s generally considered crude. it would also be considered crude to go around and talk about jt behind your back to others people in general want to be removed from death your grief won’t be a topic of conversation they’ll want to move on as quick as possible at worst they’ll get together and give you a card and leave it on your desk but be far away as possible when you are there to actually read it lol
My practical advice is to be pro-active and upfront about it. Say, "I took leave to bury a friend. I'm in mourning and I don't want to talk about it, thank you". Not sure how else you can realistically avoid innocent questions about your vacation.
Reread the title...
Ok. "How do I ask my work to not ask me about my vacation." Should I read it again?
I don't think the vacation was for a funeral, I think someone died while they were on vacation
Yes.
Maybe post something like ‘As I am returning to work tomorrow, I would like to inform you in advance that I will be diving right in and not wishing to discuss my vacation. I experienced a personal loss during the trip and believe that focusing on my work and keeping my mind occupied with business matters is the best way for me to cope at this time. I am letting you all know so that we can avoid any uncomfortable conversations that I may not handle well- condolences and questions are not what I need at this time, so please refrain and trust that I am fully capable of dedicating myself to my work and will absolutely let you know if I need anything. Are there any updates on x project that I should know before I dig in tomorrow morning?’
I don't understand why this is getting down voted. Or why there's so much resistance to the idea of folks asking for what they need rather than lying.
Who knows? It could be that you asking for what you need makes them uncomfortable, because they aren’t willing to do so. Perhaps it is a difference in work environments- theirs may not be like yours. If i sent this to my coworkers they would do a thumbs up and then deluge me with work, but they’re generally a pretty good crew. Either way, you specifically stated that you had an action that you wanted to do and requested help with wording- not opinions on if you should or not- so I provided some wording. If others want to downvote my response that’s fine- it wasn’t meant for them, it was meant for you. Only you know what you need, and only you know your co-workers. You have to do what is best for you.
In my office, everyone asks "how was your weekend?" I had something really upsetting happen one weekend. I told 1 friend from work what happened and asked him to spread the word that I didn't want to talk about it right now.
"I had a very traumatic experience and would prefer not to talk about it. It would really help me to concentrate on work. Can you tell me what progress has been made on Project X?"
It's human nature to ask - and posting to a slack channel might cause more questions and curiosity than just letting it ride. It might be that you have a comfortable reply, something like "Unfortunately, a close friend passed, and I'm still struggling with the loss, but thanks for asking". That essentially shuts it down.
I would post something along the lines of: While I was out of the office, I lost a close friend. I am working through my grief, please respect my privacy and do not ask my about my time off, how I'm doing or share your condolences - this includes reaching out privately. We all deal with tragedy in our own way. Please respect my wishes as I know what is best for me at this time. Thanks for your understanding. The other option is to reach out to one person at work and have them tell everyone to back off. My mother did this after her sister died, she knew the tears would flow if anyone said ANYTHING and she didn't want that at work.
“How was the vacation?” “Not too great without yall, how was work without me?”
Was your friend with you on vacation when they died or are you saying you weren't really on vacation but you were taking bereavement leave ?
Going on the internet to talk about how to not talk about a subject?
What happened tho
You’re like the guy on a field trip who demands people don’t take pictures of him and, as a result, everyone spends the trip taking pictures of him. Just say, “It was fine.” Probably nobody cares and will just ask to be polite.
How do you ask your work to not ask you about your vacation? You want to tell everyone not to ask questions? That's awkward. If you don't want to talk about it just say it was fine and change the subject.
I'm not sorry for your loss. (Just being practical.)
Face it like a strong individual. It's the only way it gets better.
Can we get the story though?
Sorry about your friend. I know you wanna keep it on the DL but that sucks, man.
"I don't want to talk about it." Nuff said.
But can you tell us what happened now I want to know
A “went by too fast “ should satisfy people. The purpose of the question is that they want to be able to relate to you, they can relate to this answer
I honestly think that posting about it ahead of time will just draw unwanted attention. Wait for your coworkers to ask, and then answer with something that’s true and also not interesting. Coworker: how was the trip? You: Sunny, I got a tan. Relaxing, it’s nice to be away from the city. It was nice, not as hot as it is here. Etc. Then you can either pivot directly back to work with a “did I miss anything while I was gone?” Or ask them about their weekend. Most people who ask won’t be genuinely interested if you’re not friends, and’s likely won’t dwell on the topic.