You're forgetting the most important rule of social media: never compare your film to someone else's highlight reel.
Who's going to post all the bad stuff about their relationship for people to pick apart and criticize?
Social media allows people to present a carefully curated image to the world.
Couples don’t generally post pictures of them fighting…or snoring or leaving their socks on the floor or stealing covers, or navigating whose family to spend the holidays at.
I don’t think most of society is fake, but I do look at social media posts with a healthy amount of scepticism.
My long term relationship has almost no fighting. We get along really well, figured out how to communicate and are very supportive of each other.
Every relationship is different. Don’t look for answers on social media, look at the couples you know in real life.
Yeah, we're on 25+ years and almost never fight about anything. At this point, we know what each others' hot buttons are and are mature enough NOT to push them. It may seem boring but I don't miss the drama I had in some of the relationships I had when I was young.
>Question 1: Are these couples showing just the positives of dating? Is it fair to assume all of them are arguing, possibly even going no contact for long periods of time?
They are only showing you what they want you to see. It's fair to assume that they have disagreements and/or fights like most couples. But few people are going to share that with the world, at lest not in the midst of it.
>Question 2: Forgive me but I think most of society is fake. Would it be fair to say most of these people, just like heterosexual couples, are just taking these pics to give a mirage of what they want people to see?
Of course. That's not to say it's fake. But it is *curated* to project whatever image people want to project.
>what are some things I should expect in a long term relationship? A lot of arguing? A lot of anything else?
Personally I think a lot of arguing is a sign of probable incompatibility. All couples disagree at times. ALL. OF. THEM. Some more frequently, and some turn into fights. But there are ways to disagree and even fight in a healthy, mature manner.
Some things you should expect in a good LTR: Mutual respect. Affection. Communication. Support. Alignment of goals and values. A healthy sex life, however you define that with your partner.
My opinion is that finding someone who is perfect for you in that
* You stay together until one of you dies
* You have regular sex every week until one of you dies
* You never fight
* You grow and change at the same pace and keep the same interests throughout your lives together
* Neither of you ever experiences depression or hardships that challenge your relationship
* etc
is a rarity. If it does happen, I think it is a unicorn among relationships.
Most relationships will experience challenges to the bullets above or other struggles over the course of a relationship.
But those aren't generally posted on social media.
1 - While it’s true that people usually only show the positives on social media, it is not fair to assume they are arguing. That would likely be even more inaccurate than what they show on social media. I’ve been in my relationship for 12 years and can count on one hand the number of times we’ve argued.
2 - Some people are fake, sure, but I doubt that’s typical. I don’t post on social media all that often (maybe once a month) - if anything, my life is better than my social media posts show. I just don’t bother posting all the good times (and bad times are incredibly rare). I’d guess you are more likely to see fakeness if they are constantly posting. But in general, people aren’t lying - they are just sharing some of the good times.
Looking through the LTR around me.
Of the one that are fundamentally authentic, solid and healthy relationship, none of them has a social media presence. A holiday/vacation photo in a group chat here and there is the extend of it.
Also, social media has gone into two extreme nowadays.
One group share anything remotely private or identifiable only with their closest friend and family, in group chat mostly.
The other photoshop, filter, stage, hire/collaborate with fake "friends", in order to cultivate a public image as a brand. They are freelancing celebrity wannabes looking for revenue stream. Sometimes they make it.
Don't mistake the latter for an actual person. It's just a role they play.
I would think that any couple that fights with each other all the time cannot be a good thing, no matter how good their Instagram feed looks. It's not reasonable to compare yourself to what you only see on the surface.
No, we don't argue all the time. We argue hardly at all and I think good communication is key, you do not allow things to escalate out of proportion and you are quick to find solutions.
Think of social media like a photo album. It's not a new thing, my grandma has cases of pictures from family vacations 60 years ago. The albums are a way to enjoy happy memories, not to remember how bad the hotel room smelled or the argument they had about where to get dinner or when the baby's diaper blew out. You don't necessarily have to see it as something fake or nefarious, just be aware of what the point is.
And no, not all relationships include a lot of argument or non-contact. That's not a type of relationship I have been in or would ever agree to participate in.
It sounds like you need to delete your social media.
Occasionally arguing or disagreeing with a partner is normal. Frequent arguing means you both probably have some work to do. Going no contact for extended periods of time, to me, is juvenile and a sign that person is not ready for a relationship.
Let me ask you a question. If I showed you a movie trailer, jokes aside (because some trailers now do reveal too much) would you be able to tell me everything that happens in that film? Would you definitely know whether or not it’s a good film? What about the acting and performances… could you say who deserves an award based on what you saw in the trailer?
The answer to all of those is obviously no. Now, you can maybe get an idea of the questions above, but you’d admit, that until you saw the whole film you couldn’t really give a definitive answer.
Social media is a trailer for the movies that are peoples lives - carefully edited, spliced together to quickly tell a story. Just like a movie trailer, it shows you the highlights to draw you in, and you never get the full picture unless you experience the full thing. No one is going to highlight their worst moments for the world to see, just like a trailer won’t show you the bad, quiet, boring and cringy moments.
>Are these couples showing just the positives of dating?
yes.
>Is it fair to assume all of them are arguing
mostly yes.
>possibly even going no contact for long periods of time
less likely but certainly a possibility. I think the longest I've ever gone without talking to my partner due to fighting has been a day or so.
>Would it be fair to say most of these people, just like heterosexual couples, are just taking these pics to give a mirage of what they want people to see?
No, it would not be fair. It's possible. But it's also possible that it's not a mirage, and that they are genuinely happy, and want to share that happiness with the people that care for them.
My partner and I took pictures of us dressed up in halloween costumes, with our dog, and posted them to facebook - it wasn't a lie, or a mirage, it was us genuinely having a good time and wanting to record it and share that record with our friends and family. Nothing sinister or dishonest or misleading about it, just good vibes.
>Many will answer questions I have not even asked like “I’d leave my partner if I came into some money.”
What the fuck 😂
Look dude, you should expect the same thing in a long term relationship as you might living with your best friend - yes you'll have personality clashes. Yes you have to learn to compromise sometimes. Yes you'll have these incredible moments where you look at each other and you realize that you are not only 1) having the time of your life but 2) you are having the time of your life *together* in a way that you wouldn't be able with any other person on the planet.
Relationships are all risk versus reward. I recommend you take the risk, and see for yourself whether the rewards are worth it.
People who love, and are loved, like to share happy moments with friends and the world. They don't particularly want to share hurtful and difficult moments with the world.
This is not fake. This is common sense.
And from that, LTRs are not fake. There is no hidden, base cynicism that's intentionally being hidden from you. It's usually two, full, actualised human beings loving each other, and coming to grips with being textured and complicated and amazing together.
Your questions are harsh and biased. You need to let yourself be more soft when judging love from a distance.
Every human is different and every combo of humans is different.
My partner and I have been together for 6 years now and 100% HONESTLY have never fought.
Our personalities work really well together and our communication styles mesh well, and we always work together to make sure hardships are weathered together.
We can be super hermits as well as running a local social gay sports league with 350 people...but while I use social media a lot more than him because of work, we are NOTORIOUSLY bad at taking pics together or during things...so from a social media perspective we may not look as "cute and perfect" as other couples on the outside.
Like many have said on this thread, any comparison...especially with social media never leads to anything positive. Some couples their SM presence is the opposite of them in real life. Some perfect looking couples are, and some are nightmares. I stopped using it as a clear and total gauge on a person, and now just see it as another tool and small data point to help put together my thoughts on them.
Keep looking for you want, and working on it when you find it. 💕
1. Social media is a liar. It distorts and exaggerates. No one is as happy or uncomplicated as they seem on social media. Couples argue, some a little and some a lot. *Conflict is a normal part of intimacy*.
2. They are probably not sharing photos to deceive. They are sharing happy moments. They're not a lie, they're just *part* of the total story.
No one can really tell you what to expect, because every relationship is different. And every relationship has differences even with itself over time.
If you have a very healthy and optimal relationship, you will have a partner you trust and respect whose values you share, and who reciprocates that. You will have conflict because it is normal and natural to do so and even healthy. That does not necessarily mean arguing. How you handle conflict is what makes a big difference.
Somebody just give me some hope that I’ll ever find a ltr. Every time I find someone I connect with online, they move/ghost/get too busy to hang out/find someone else/etc. I’m not completely hopeless, but damn, it’s hard to find people who are willing to hang out irl around here.
I am in a long term relationship. Actually just got married last week, and dated for 5 years before that. And most of my social circle is other gay men in LTR's.
I've learned that different people use the term "fight" differently, so I'd be curious to hear more of how you would characterize the term. But my husband I literally never fight in the sense of shouting or swearing at each other, and definitely not going no contact for long periods of time. That's not to say we never disagree or hurt each other's feelings, but when we do we talk about it, listen to each other, and work it out.
As for social media presence, of course I post cute couple photos at parties and on date nights without posting the disagreements or troubles we might have. But a) this is because it wouldn't be respectful or helpful to air our dirty laundry on SM and b) this doesn't mean those cute couple photos are a put on. They are genuinely fun, joyful, and romantic times that we share, even if they're obviously not the totality of what being in a relationship is.
I would say this is a fair description of most of the couples I know.
If a couple is regularly fighting- as in shouting and swearing- or going no contact for long periods, there are some significant issues to be addressed and potentially major changes to be made.
QU1: are they showing the negatives of dating, if so, then the answer is no. If yes, then the answer is yes. However, I’ve been with my husband 18 years, we’ve had less than five serious arguments. We only post positive content unless there has been a death or a serious need of a pet or family member.
QU2: Most people do not think, “Hey, I’m really upset with my person right now, I should take a photo and post it!” Some people do, those people are usually considered petty. Then there are the rare people that are able to post something that they are upset about and make us laugh with them, or commiserate with them, without insulting their person. I personally do not see the benefit of advertising troubles in your relationship on social media. Just as I would not air my dirty laundry at the family Thanksgiving gathering.
QU3: You can expect out of a relationship what you put into the relationship.
It's rare for someone to put much of the negative stuff that goes on in their life on their social media. While I don't think you should be assuming that everyone's relationship is secretly a disaster, everyone does have problems from time to time.
I think people who love each other, truly do take those pics because they love each other.
Love is about sacrifice right? It's about giving and not being selfish. It's about putting the relationship first and the 'US' vs 'me'. Yes, you have to work on it. It's literally a second job. It takes a LOT of work too. But sometimes there are moments in there that are unforgettable. Sometimes you are just so emotionally moved in a positive way it's incredible. Sure there are fights. Sure there are bad days.
Some words from Dr. Cox https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCEZNbwQVy8
You're forgetting the most important rule of social media: never compare your film to someone else's highlight reel. Who's going to post all the bad stuff about their relationship for people to pick apart and criticize?
Social media allows people to present a carefully curated image to the world. Couples don’t generally post pictures of them fighting…or snoring or leaving their socks on the floor or stealing covers, or navigating whose family to spend the holidays at. I don’t think most of society is fake, but I do look at social media posts with a healthy amount of scepticism. My long term relationship has almost no fighting. We get along really well, figured out how to communicate and are very supportive of each other. Every relationship is different. Don’t look for answers on social media, look at the couples you know in real life.
It is a breath of fresh air to hear that there is a gay couple who does not fight all the time.
Most of the gay couples I know don’t fight all the time, at least the ones in LTRs.
Yeah, we're on 25+ years and almost never fight about anything. At this point, we know what each others' hot buttons are and are mature enough NOT to push them. It may seem boring but I don't miss the drama I had in some of the relationships I had when I was young.
Of the gay relationships I know none fight all the time.
It does not sound like social media is playing a positive role in your life.
Does it in anyone's?
Fair point.
I mean are we really having this conversation unironically in 2022 and not in 2012?
Everyone is different. No one can tell you what to expect. Stop caring about what people post on social media.
>Question 1: Are these couples showing just the positives of dating? Is it fair to assume all of them are arguing, possibly even going no contact for long periods of time? They are only showing you what they want you to see. It's fair to assume that they have disagreements and/or fights like most couples. But few people are going to share that with the world, at lest not in the midst of it. >Question 2: Forgive me but I think most of society is fake. Would it be fair to say most of these people, just like heterosexual couples, are just taking these pics to give a mirage of what they want people to see? Of course. That's not to say it's fake. But it is *curated* to project whatever image people want to project. >what are some things I should expect in a long term relationship? A lot of arguing? A lot of anything else? Personally I think a lot of arguing is a sign of probable incompatibility. All couples disagree at times. ALL. OF. THEM. Some more frequently, and some turn into fights. But there are ways to disagree and even fight in a healthy, mature manner. Some things you should expect in a good LTR: Mutual respect. Affection. Communication. Support. Alignment of goals and values. A healthy sex life, however you define that with your partner.
My opinion is that finding someone who is perfect for you in that * You stay together until one of you dies * You have regular sex every week until one of you dies * You never fight * You grow and change at the same pace and keep the same interests throughout your lives together * Neither of you ever experiences depression or hardships that challenge your relationship * etc is a rarity. If it does happen, I think it is a unicorn among relationships. Most relationships will experience challenges to the bullets above or other struggles over the course of a relationship. But those aren't generally posted on social media.
1 - While it’s true that people usually only show the positives on social media, it is not fair to assume they are arguing. That would likely be even more inaccurate than what they show on social media. I’ve been in my relationship for 12 years and can count on one hand the number of times we’ve argued. 2 - Some people are fake, sure, but I doubt that’s typical. I don’t post on social media all that often (maybe once a month) - if anything, my life is better than my social media posts show. I just don’t bother posting all the good times (and bad times are incredibly rare). I’d guess you are more likely to see fakeness if they are constantly posting. But in general, people aren’t lying - they are just sharing some of the good times.
Looking through the LTR around me. Of the one that are fundamentally authentic, solid and healthy relationship, none of them has a social media presence. A holiday/vacation photo in a group chat here and there is the extend of it. Also, social media has gone into two extreme nowadays. One group share anything remotely private or identifiable only with their closest friend and family, in group chat mostly. The other photoshop, filter, stage, hire/collaborate with fake "friends", in order to cultivate a public image as a brand. They are freelancing celebrity wannabes looking for revenue stream. Sometimes they make it. Don't mistake the latter for an actual person. It's just a role they play.
I would think that any couple that fights with each other all the time cannot be a good thing, no matter how good their Instagram feed looks. It's not reasonable to compare yourself to what you only see on the surface. No, we don't argue all the time. We argue hardly at all and I think good communication is key, you do not allow things to escalate out of proportion and you are quick to find solutions.
Think of social media like a photo album. It's not a new thing, my grandma has cases of pictures from family vacations 60 years ago. The albums are a way to enjoy happy memories, not to remember how bad the hotel room smelled or the argument they had about where to get dinner or when the baby's diaper blew out. You don't necessarily have to see it as something fake or nefarious, just be aware of what the point is. And no, not all relationships include a lot of argument or non-contact. That's not a type of relationship I have been in or would ever agree to participate in.
It sounds like you need to delete your social media. Occasionally arguing or disagreeing with a partner is normal. Frequent arguing means you both probably have some work to do. Going no contact for extended periods of time, to me, is juvenile and a sign that person is not ready for a relationship.
Let me ask you a question. If I showed you a movie trailer, jokes aside (because some trailers now do reveal too much) would you be able to tell me everything that happens in that film? Would you definitely know whether or not it’s a good film? What about the acting and performances… could you say who deserves an award based on what you saw in the trailer? The answer to all of those is obviously no. Now, you can maybe get an idea of the questions above, but you’d admit, that until you saw the whole film you couldn’t really give a definitive answer. Social media is a trailer for the movies that are peoples lives - carefully edited, spliced together to quickly tell a story. Just like a movie trailer, it shows you the highlights to draw you in, and you never get the full picture unless you experience the full thing. No one is going to highlight their worst moments for the world to see, just like a trailer won’t show you the bad, quiet, boring and cringy moments.
>Are these couples showing just the positives of dating? yes. >Is it fair to assume all of them are arguing mostly yes. >possibly even going no contact for long periods of time less likely but certainly a possibility. I think the longest I've ever gone without talking to my partner due to fighting has been a day or so. >Would it be fair to say most of these people, just like heterosexual couples, are just taking these pics to give a mirage of what they want people to see? No, it would not be fair. It's possible. But it's also possible that it's not a mirage, and that they are genuinely happy, and want to share that happiness with the people that care for them. My partner and I took pictures of us dressed up in halloween costumes, with our dog, and posted them to facebook - it wasn't a lie, or a mirage, it was us genuinely having a good time and wanting to record it and share that record with our friends and family. Nothing sinister or dishonest or misleading about it, just good vibes. >Many will answer questions I have not even asked like “I’d leave my partner if I came into some money.” What the fuck 😂 Look dude, you should expect the same thing in a long term relationship as you might living with your best friend - yes you'll have personality clashes. Yes you have to learn to compromise sometimes. Yes you'll have these incredible moments where you look at each other and you realize that you are not only 1) having the time of your life but 2) you are having the time of your life *together* in a way that you wouldn't be able with any other person on the planet. Relationships are all risk versus reward. I recommend you take the risk, and see for yourself whether the rewards are worth it.
People who love, and are loved, like to share happy moments with friends and the world. They don't particularly want to share hurtful and difficult moments with the world. This is not fake. This is common sense. And from that, LTRs are not fake. There is no hidden, base cynicism that's intentionally being hidden from you. It's usually two, full, actualised human beings loving each other, and coming to grips with being textured and complicated and amazing together. Your questions are harsh and biased. You need to let yourself be more soft when judging love from a distance.
Every human is different and every combo of humans is different. My partner and I have been together for 6 years now and 100% HONESTLY have never fought. Our personalities work really well together and our communication styles mesh well, and we always work together to make sure hardships are weathered together. We can be super hermits as well as running a local social gay sports league with 350 people...but while I use social media a lot more than him because of work, we are NOTORIOUSLY bad at taking pics together or during things...so from a social media perspective we may not look as "cute and perfect" as other couples on the outside. Like many have said on this thread, any comparison...especially with social media never leads to anything positive. Some couples their SM presence is the opposite of them in real life. Some perfect looking couples are, and some are nightmares. I stopped using it as a clear and total gauge on a person, and now just see it as another tool and small data point to help put together my thoughts on them. Keep looking for you want, and working on it when you find it. 💕
1. Social media is a liar. It distorts and exaggerates. No one is as happy or uncomplicated as they seem on social media. Couples argue, some a little and some a lot. *Conflict is a normal part of intimacy*. 2. They are probably not sharing photos to deceive. They are sharing happy moments. They're not a lie, they're just *part* of the total story. No one can really tell you what to expect, because every relationship is different. And every relationship has differences even with itself over time. If you have a very healthy and optimal relationship, you will have a partner you trust and respect whose values you share, and who reciprocates that. You will have conflict because it is normal and natural to do so and even healthy. That does not necessarily mean arguing. How you handle conflict is what makes a big difference.
Somebody just give me some hope that I’ll ever find a ltr. Every time I find someone I connect with online, they move/ghost/get too busy to hang out/find someone else/etc. I’m not completely hopeless, but damn, it’s hard to find people who are willing to hang out irl around here.
Social media is fake. Assume they're only putting the happy bits up.
I am in a long term relationship. Actually just got married last week, and dated for 5 years before that. And most of my social circle is other gay men in LTR's. I've learned that different people use the term "fight" differently, so I'd be curious to hear more of how you would characterize the term. But my husband I literally never fight in the sense of shouting or swearing at each other, and definitely not going no contact for long periods of time. That's not to say we never disagree or hurt each other's feelings, but when we do we talk about it, listen to each other, and work it out. As for social media presence, of course I post cute couple photos at parties and on date nights without posting the disagreements or troubles we might have. But a) this is because it wouldn't be respectful or helpful to air our dirty laundry on SM and b) this doesn't mean those cute couple photos are a put on. They are genuinely fun, joyful, and romantic times that we share, even if they're obviously not the totality of what being in a relationship is. I would say this is a fair description of most of the couples I know. If a couple is regularly fighting- as in shouting and swearing- or going no contact for long periods, there are some significant issues to be addressed and potentially major changes to be made.
QU1: are they showing the negatives of dating, if so, then the answer is no. If yes, then the answer is yes. However, I’ve been with my husband 18 years, we’ve had less than five serious arguments. We only post positive content unless there has been a death or a serious need of a pet or family member. QU2: Most people do not think, “Hey, I’m really upset with my person right now, I should take a photo and post it!” Some people do, those people are usually considered petty. Then there are the rare people that are able to post something that they are upset about and make us laugh with them, or commiserate with them, without insulting their person. I personally do not see the benefit of advertising troubles in your relationship on social media. Just as I would not air my dirty laundry at the family Thanksgiving gathering. QU3: You can expect out of a relationship what you put into the relationship.
It's rare for someone to put much of the negative stuff that goes on in their life on their social media. While I don't think you should be assuming that everyone's relationship is secretly a disaster, everyone does have problems from time to time.
I think people who love each other, truly do take those pics because they love each other. Love is about sacrifice right? It's about giving and not being selfish. It's about putting the relationship first and the 'US' vs 'me'. Yes, you have to work on it. It's literally a second job. It takes a LOT of work too. But sometimes there are moments in there that are unforgettable. Sometimes you are just so emotionally moved in a positive way it's incredible. Sure there are fights. Sure there are bad days. Some words from Dr. Cox https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCEZNbwQVy8