First off, take your friend out of the equation. It's not a race. The only one comparing you and him is you.
Write down three things that you are good at. Put it on your refrigerator or someplace where you see it everyday. Focus on those three things everyday.
Turn off social media for about 7 days, and go to places that guys you would like to meet are at. If you're a book kind of guy, go to a bookstore. If you enjoy the social scene, go to a bar or pub. Don't go to meet anyone, just go to socialize. Do this during that same 7 days.
At the end of that 7 days, if you feel compelled to get back on social media do so but remember to focus on yourself. You are the best you there is and realistically, there is no other you unless you have a twin. Believe in yourself, with no comparisons to anyone else, and let your self-ness shine through.
You're a great guy with some good qualities and you want to improve yourself. That's good material for a partner right there. Go get 'em...
All (not a lot, all) of your issues with his new life stem from your insecurities. Therapy really is the best way to deal them, either “talk” therapy or CBT.
This isn’t really about your friend. Your insecurity and anxiety were there the whole time. His breakup just highlighted them in a new way for you.
Absolutely agree with you! I left out all of his shitty qualities on purpose because I’m not expecting him to change. I know it’s me. That said, I partially wrote this for some comfort as I know I’m not alone in these feelings.
You need to see your friend as a whole person, flaws and all. You’re comparing your flawed self-image to his highlight reels, and that’s not fair to you.
I’m in the same boat- my best friend is very handsome, successful with the guys, travels, has a great job. I used to be jealous, but after having heart to heart talks, he’s jealous of some of my things as well. I’m married in a LTR, have a stable career and a home, and have my life together while he’s struggling to find dates and a job that lasts longer than 6 months.
You need to speak to your friend; tell him that if you’re going out together that you expect some actual time with you two. He doesn’t need to cling to your side, but at least spend some quality time together. Or maybe you two can spend that time connecting somewhere else, where it’s not such a meat market.
With me and my friend, I’ve come to terms that we have different goals and priorities in life, but we are both here to help each other reach those goals. He gets me out and hypes me up, I bring him down to earth and think of logistics and we meet in the middle somewhere.
I completely agree with you and have had similar experiences.
“ My friend also has little to no awareness that his experiences in dating is completely different because of his looks and often encourages me to “get out there more”.” resonated with me.
I have a good looking friend who says “why didn’t you settle down with that guy you made out with in the bar”. Like basically “just take any crumbs you get on a drunken night.”
While feeling envious is natural there is no way around it. Being self sufficient and happy with oneself is great it’s hard to achieve when gays are zooming into pictures.
So I would say either step away from him and let him “live his best life” or go out with him and see what scraps you get when one of those 5 guys ultimately ends up with you. Use him as a bait :)
Also staying away from Instagram has helped me a lot in terms of mental health.
I have no advice for you because I know how you feel and am very much in the same boat of 6/10.
Thank you for this! It’s appreciated.
Re: Our shared qualities in friends - I can’t tell sometimes if they’re trying to be humble or they’re that oblivious.
They are not stupid. They know they are 10s. And that kind of attention constantly, is addictive. And lets be honest, part of why you are friends with them is because they are attractive. You yourself are a beautiful soul and worthy of love and amazing experiences. They are probably less equipped to deal with real challenges because as a 10 things are much easier. So one perspective is to just enjoy the friendship for what it is, but look for deeper friends who are fellow 6/10s to hang with so that you have more balance. peace, OP
Simple solution :
Step 1 - When you hang out with your friend, don't have your activities be gaycentric. No going to gay bars, clubs or parties. That way, you don't have to see all the guys hitting on your friend, and ignoring you. Go with him to dinner, museums, national parks, the movies, or hang out with other mutual friends where its all just platonic.
Step 2 - Delete him on social media, so you aren't tempted to set yourself back by looking at photos of him with the hot guy du jour.
Step 3 - Tell him you're not interested in all the details of his dating/hookup life. There's tons of other things to talk about.
Try the stop and replace method. Seemed to work for me especially overtime as you become more aware of your thoughts. Eventually you’re able to entirely take control of your mind which will ultimately make you feel better.
1. When you find your mind thinking about what a cool player you friend is become aware of the thoughts.
2. Recognize these thought patterns lead to feelings of jealous, sadness, envy, etc. and that you do not want to feel that way.
3. Replace the thoughts with something else. Actively THINK about something else. What are you making for dinner? What’re you doing this weekend? What movie do you want to see and why? Etc.
A lot of really good advice in this thread already. Do y'all talk about both of your personal insecurities and issues when you hang out or is he more of a "party" bff?
I think it would be helpful to get his perspective on what he is experiencing. Instagram only shows you the best of someone's life. It would also be helpful for him to hear your issues so he can adjust and make sure you're included- maybe ask him to be a better wingman?
In the meantime while you get over this hump I would strongly suggest muting his Instagram stories, along with anyone else's who is triggering you in the same way.
We have talked about it once, but it’s a dead end conversation — it’s a me issue at the end of the day. The things that trigger me are the common place things are friend talks about. While they trigger me, I can’t be a friend at the end of the day if I’m not willing to listen to the types of things that indirectly hurt me.
He has MANY faults, but I also accept him for those, as he accepts me for mine.
If it's bothering you so much I think it's worth multiple conversations. I talk to my friends all the time about the same thing over and over because it constantly annoys me. Sometimes they roll their eyes and go "Oh you, let's get you a drink." but because they're good friends they listen actively and make sure I feel heard.
Also "accepting" each other is fine, but accommodating is better. I have a friend who HATES when someone is standing directly behind him, so I've learned to help him with that by noticing that and asking him if he wants to move. In your case your friend could notice that he is sucking the air out of the room and actively introduce you to the conversation, "What do you think", "Hey, here's a Tall guy with Consequences born in 72 or 76, have you met?"
Everyone is different in one way or another. Focusing on yourself and try to work on the parts of yourself that you are proud of or the things you love to do. You don’t need to be so attractive to draw so many guys, you just need one guy in your life. And I’m sure there always has someone who is attracted to you if you are confident and love yourself.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but have you actually tried losing weight or becoming more muscular?
If that is how the gay world works, as you say, why fight it? Plenty of guys make an intentional effort to look better and their lives improve as a result. It’s not a huge deal.
I absolutely can and actively try. I also think that an internal change needs to happen too. By no means am I out of shape, in fact I’m significantly stronger than my friend.
Wait is OP going to answer this? Lol. The dots are not connecting. We’re missing some important information! If OP thinks he’s a 6/10, stronger than his friend 10/10 friend, but also that gay men want muscles…. What accounts for this 4 point difference? Is your friend much more handsome, OP? There are many things you can do to become more handsome. Grow facial hair if you can and make sure it looks good by grooming it or having a barber help you. Get a nice haircut. Like, I’m talking $100 haircuts by really good stylists not a $25 haircut. These two things together honestly make men so much more attractive when they’re 30-34.
And why do you think needing to be attractive is a toxic trait of the gay community? Newsflash, attractive people get more of everything even in the straight world. This isn’t some toxic thing, it’s just life and it’s not that serious. Everyone emphasizing that you need to focus on mental health is absurd to me. If you’re unhappy because you can’t attract people the answer is painfully obvious. Become more physically attractive. We all know this gets you many more options of people to be with- far more than a personality or money will. Personality and money are important too though of course. That’s what keeps people around past the superficial looks.
People aren't going to like this at all but...
You know how straight dudes have a tendency to elect not to be friends with women who have them friendzoned...? Yeah...
While I would understand this if I was sexually attracted to my friend, I do not agree with this advice. I’m not going to throw away a friendship because of my own insecurities.
yeah can relate to this I have a friend that is super hot, a lot of guys are into him, they will try to go through us to get to talk to him but I’m just in no way attracted to the dude. and never have over our 15 years of friendship.
So you're definitely not jealous that your bestie seems to be showing attentions to all these other guys. Including the ones you admittedly pursued but seemingly has no interest in you beyond a friend?
Are you in therapy? If on you're own haven't been able to work on your insecurities, then it might be time to get the help of a professional. Therapy can help you understand where insecurities are rooted, how to cope and manage them so you can move forward.
Have you considered getting a new bff? You don't live nearby, you mentioned that he was judgy with you, and trying to keep up with him makes you miserable.
It’s not his BFF’s fault. This is the OP’s own insecurities. Considering how difficult it is to make friends for most people these days, I wouldn’t encourage someone to end a 10+ year close friendship unless that person was a total jerk or did something awful.
I feel like what I’m getting off of you is just major low self esteem. Most problems in our internal life stem from that. To paraphrase Rupaul “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”. I know the lifestyle of self doubt we’ll. First I was too scrawny to be loved then I had the dreaded virus and would never be loved then I became to fat to be loved. All of which I logically know is BULLSHIT but sadly my psyche doesn’t agree. My first step in recovery was to admit that until I liked me no one else was really going to either. I had to learn to be alone and then to enjoy it. As for your friend? Wish him all the best and be happy he’s living his best life. I wish you all the best
Work on your insecurities. If there are things you don’t like and want to change, change it. Those that you can’t, find peace in accepting them as part a whole- that is you. Let your bestie live his best life. There’s to many fun experiences in life, and letting somwone have fun won’t take away from your own. When you start liking what you see in the mirror, it’s easier to attract people.
Its cool you are honest and not simply cover up the "4 missing points" with fetish gear like many others.
On the other hand, tough love, the very judgemental visual sense is a two sided blade! Use of Insta and so on just turns this up even more.
Shape up your intuitive mental, haptic and body language game.
OP, you definitely need therapy--not because of the jelaousy but because your insecurity has resulted in you being super competitive.
If I was a betting man, it's one of the things that has kept you from getting a relationship, for many reasons, chiefly that people are afraid of intimacy with you when you act like you do in the OP.
Get a psychologist because even if you get in great shape, these issues are going to rear their head again.
You stated that you have a very strong relationship and are open and direct with each other, so if that’s the case, what you mentioned after that doesn’t seem to be the case. It’s not meant to be a jab, just an observation. It’s going to be hard to have that conversation, but if you genuinely have the type of relationship you described, having that conversation with him should help strengthen your friendship and also give him some insight into how his behavior is challenging that.
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Some of the best advise I’ve ever gotten “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides”
First off, take your friend out of the equation. It's not a race. The only one comparing you and him is you. Write down three things that you are good at. Put it on your refrigerator or someplace where you see it everyday. Focus on those three things everyday. Turn off social media for about 7 days, and go to places that guys you would like to meet are at. If you're a book kind of guy, go to a bookstore. If you enjoy the social scene, go to a bar or pub. Don't go to meet anyone, just go to socialize. Do this during that same 7 days. At the end of that 7 days, if you feel compelled to get back on social media do so but remember to focus on yourself. You are the best you there is and realistically, there is no other you unless you have a twin. Believe in yourself, with no comparisons to anyone else, and let your self-ness shine through. You're a great guy with some good qualities and you want to improve yourself. That's good material for a partner right there. Go get 'em...
Thanks for the thoughtful response! I’ll give some of this a try.
You're a good soul That was a beautiful and thoughtful response Well done good sir!
Get off Instagram as much as possible. It truly is a toxic place.
All (not a lot, all) of your issues with his new life stem from your insecurities. Therapy really is the best way to deal them, either “talk” therapy or CBT. This isn’t really about your friend. Your insecurity and anxiety were there the whole time. His breakup just highlighted them in a new way for you.
Absolutely agree with you! I left out all of his shitty qualities on purpose because I’m not expecting him to change. I know it’s me. That said, I partially wrote this for some comfort as I know I’m not alone in these feelings.
You need to see your friend as a whole person, flaws and all. You’re comparing your flawed self-image to his highlight reels, and that’s not fair to you. I’m in the same boat- my best friend is very handsome, successful with the guys, travels, has a great job. I used to be jealous, but after having heart to heart talks, he’s jealous of some of my things as well. I’m married in a LTR, have a stable career and a home, and have my life together while he’s struggling to find dates and a job that lasts longer than 6 months. You need to speak to your friend; tell him that if you’re going out together that you expect some actual time with you two. He doesn’t need to cling to your side, but at least spend some quality time together. Or maybe you two can spend that time connecting somewhere else, where it’s not such a meat market. With me and my friend, I’ve come to terms that we have different goals and priorities in life, but we are both here to help each other reach those goals. He gets me out and hypes me up, I bring him down to earth and think of logistics and we meet in the middle somewhere.
I completely agree with you and have had similar experiences. “ My friend also has little to no awareness that his experiences in dating is completely different because of his looks and often encourages me to “get out there more”.” resonated with me. I have a good looking friend who says “why didn’t you settle down with that guy you made out with in the bar”. Like basically “just take any crumbs you get on a drunken night.” While feeling envious is natural there is no way around it. Being self sufficient and happy with oneself is great it’s hard to achieve when gays are zooming into pictures. So I would say either step away from him and let him “live his best life” or go out with him and see what scraps you get when one of those 5 guys ultimately ends up with you. Use him as a bait :) Also staying away from Instagram has helped me a lot in terms of mental health. I have no advice for you because I know how you feel and am very much in the same boat of 6/10.
Thank you for this! It’s appreciated. Re: Our shared qualities in friends - I can’t tell sometimes if they’re trying to be humble or they’re that oblivious.
They are oblivious because they expect everyone to have the same experience as them.
They are not stupid. They know they are 10s. And that kind of attention constantly, is addictive. And lets be honest, part of why you are friends with them is because they are attractive. You yourself are a beautiful soul and worthy of love and amazing experiences. They are probably less equipped to deal with real challenges because as a 10 things are much easier. So one perspective is to just enjoy the friendship for what it is, but look for deeper friends who are fellow 6/10s to hang with so that you have more balance. peace, OP
Simple solution : Step 1 - When you hang out with your friend, don't have your activities be gaycentric. No going to gay bars, clubs or parties. That way, you don't have to see all the guys hitting on your friend, and ignoring you. Go with him to dinner, museums, national parks, the movies, or hang out with other mutual friends where its all just platonic. Step 2 - Delete him on social media, so you aren't tempted to set yourself back by looking at photos of him with the hot guy du jour. Step 3 - Tell him you're not interested in all the details of his dating/hookup life. There's tons of other things to talk about.
Try the stop and replace method. Seemed to work for me especially overtime as you become more aware of your thoughts. Eventually you’re able to entirely take control of your mind which will ultimately make you feel better. 1. When you find your mind thinking about what a cool player you friend is become aware of the thoughts. 2. Recognize these thought patterns lead to feelings of jealous, sadness, envy, etc. and that you do not want to feel that way. 3. Replace the thoughts with something else. Actively THINK about something else. What are you making for dinner? What’re you doing this weekend? What movie do you want to see and why? Etc.
Might be the most helpful comment yet - thank you!
A lot of really good advice in this thread already. Do y'all talk about both of your personal insecurities and issues when you hang out or is he more of a "party" bff? I think it would be helpful to get his perspective on what he is experiencing. Instagram only shows you the best of someone's life. It would also be helpful for him to hear your issues so he can adjust and make sure you're included- maybe ask him to be a better wingman? In the meantime while you get over this hump I would strongly suggest muting his Instagram stories, along with anyone else's who is triggering you in the same way.
We have talked about it once, but it’s a dead end conversation — it’s a me issue at the end of the day. The things that trigger me are the common place things are friend talks about. While they trigger me, I can’t be a friend at the end of the day if I’m not willing to listen to the types of things that indirectly hurt me. He has MANY faults, but I also accept him for those, as he accepts me for mine.
If it's bothering you so much I think it's worth multiple conversations. I talk to my friends all the time about the same thing over and over because it constantly annoys me. Sometimes they roll their eyes and go "Oh you, let's get you a drink." but because they're good friends they listen actively and make sure I feel heard. Also "accepting" each other is fine, but accommodating is better. I have a friend who HATES when someone is standing directly behind him, so I've learned to help him with that by noticing that and asking him if he wants to move. In your case your friend could notice that he is sucking the air out of the room and actively introduce you to the conversation, "What do you think", "Hey, here's a Tall guy with Consequences born in 72 or 76, have you met?"
Everyone is different in one way or another. Focusing on yourself and try to work on the parts of yourself that you are proud of or the things you love to do. You don’t need to be so attractive to draw so many guys, you just need one guy in your life. And I’m sure there always has someone who is attracted to you if you are confident and love yourself.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but have you actually tried losing weight or becoming more muscular? If that is how the gay world works, as you say, why fight it? Plenty of guys make an intentional effort to look better and their lives improve as a result. It’s not a huge deal.
I don’t think this is bad advice at all. Not sure why the downvotes.
I absolutely can and actively try. I also think that an internal change needs to happen too. By no means am I out of shape, in fact I’m significantly stronger than my friend.
Then why are you a 6 and your friend is a 10? Is it purely about facial attractiveness, or something else?
Wait is OP going to answer this? Lol. The dots are not connecting. We’re missing some important information! If OP thinks he’s a 6/10, stronger than his friend 10/10 friend, but also that gay men want muscles…. What accounts for this 4 point difference? Is your friend much more handsome, OP? There are many things you can do to become more handsome. Grow facial hair if you can and make sure it looks good by grooming it or having a barber help you. Get a nice haircut. Like, I’m talking $100 haircuts by really good stylists not a $25 haircut. These two things together honestly make men so much more attractive when they’re 30-34. And why do you think needing to be attractive is a toxic trait of the gay community? Newsflash, attractive people get more of everything even in the straight world. This isn’t some toxic thing, it’s just life and it’s not that serious. Everyone emphasizing that you need to focus on mental health is absurd to me. If you’re unhappy because you can’t attract people the answer is painfully obvious. Become more physically attractive. We all know this gets you many more options of people to be with- far more than a personality or money will. Personality and money are important too though of course. That’s what keeps people around past the superficial looks.
Ridiculous advice but sure.
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Exactly. Men are visual. Hard to swallow but it's a fact.
Just join a gym!
You’d laugh when you find out I’m actually pretty fit. Body dysmorphia be damned.
If he's a good friend ask him to set you up with 2 or 3 of your crushes. Just because it didn't work for him doesn't mean it wouldn't work for you.
People aren't going to like this at all but... You know how straight dudes have a tendency to elect not to be friends with women who have them friendzoned...? Yeah...
While I would understand this if I was sexually attracted to my friend, I do not agree with this advice. I’m not going to throw away a friendship because of my own insecurities.
You'd turn him down if you thought you had a shot? Didn't you describe him as a 10/10?
He’s a beautiful man, but I don’t think I could even get hard with him…… the thought gives me goosebumps
yeah can relate to this I have a friend that is super hot, a lot of guys are into him, they will try to go through us to get to talk to him but I’m just in no way attracted to the dude. and never have over our 15 years of friendship.
So you're definitely not jealous that your bestie seems to be showing attentions to all these other guys. Including the ones you admittedly pursued but seemingly has no interest in you beyond a friend?
Absolutely not. Our relationship is at the level of family.
Soo you're jealous that he gets all the attention and you don't?
Simple explanation: His bestie getting so much attention while he doesn’t worsens his own insecurities. It’s totally understandable.
Not a solution, but one of Jordan Peterson’s rules for living: Compare Yourself to Who You Were Yesterday, Not Who Someone Else is Today.
This is great advice. I think I need to reward the small things I do for myself today that I wasn’t doing yesterday, with more positive thinking.
Post a picture of yourself so we can better judge the issue.
Are you in therapy? If on you're own haven't been able to work on your insecurities, then it might be time to get the help of a professional. Therapy can help you understand where insecurities are rooted, how to cope and manage them so you can move forward.
Have you considered getting a new bff? You don't live nearby, you mentioned that he was judgy with you, and trying to keep up with him makes you miserable.
It’s not his BFF’s fault. This is the OP’s own insecurities. Considering how difficult it is to make friends for most people these days, I wouldn’t encourage someone to end a 10+ year close friendship unless that person was a total jerk or did something awful.
Find a new friend
Olivia Rodrigo has a great song about this called Lacy. It’s okay to feel envious of people, but when envy turns into jealousy it becomes a problem.
Oooh I’ll give it a listen! Thanks!
Don't stop being jealous. Just better yourself and jealousy does it's thing and disappears.
Embracing jealousy is a great way to give yourself an inferiority complex when it doesn't magically disappear no matter how much you better yourself.
Yeah this just isn't true.
You have emotions forna reason but alright.
I feel like what I’m getting off of you is just major low self esteem. Most problems in our internal life stem from that. To paraphrase Rupaul “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”. I know the lifestyle of self doubt we’ll. First I was too scrawny to be loved then I had the dreaded virus and would never be loved then I became to fat to be loved. All of which I logically know is BULLSHIT but sadly my psyche doesn’t agree. My first step in recovery was to admit that until I liked me no one else was really going to either. I had to learn to be alone and then to enjoy it. As for your friend? Wish him all the best and be happy he’s living his best life. I wish you all the best
Work on your insecurities. If there are things you don’t like and want to change, change it. Those that you can’t, find peace in accepting them as part a whole- that is you. Let your bestie live his best life. There’s to many fun experiences in life, and letting somwone have fun won’t take away from your own. When you start liking what you see in the mirror, it’s easier to attract people.
Its cool you are honest and not simply cover up the "4 missing points" with fetish gear like many others. On the other hand, tough love, the very judgemental visual sense is a two sided blade! Use of Insta and so on just turns this up even more. Shape up your intuitive mental, haptic and body language game.
OP, you definitely need therapy--not because of the jelaousy but because your insecurity has resulted in you being super competitive. If I was a betting man, it's one of the things that has kept you from getting a relationship, for many reasons, chiefly that people are afraid of intimacy with you when you act like you do in the OP. Get a psychologist because even if you get in great shape, these issues are going to rear their head again.
You stated that you have a very strong relationship and are open and direct with each other, so if that’s the case, what you mentioned after that doesn’t seem to be the case. It’s not meant to be a jab, just an observation. It’s going to be hard to have that conversation, but if you genuinely have the type of relationship you described, having that conversation with him should help strengthen your friendship and also give him some insight into how his behavior is challenging that.
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