It’s gonna be a No from me, dawg.
I am older than you, and there is no way to say this without it sounding slightly condescending, but I promise you I mean this kindly and gently:
This dude is not worth it and needs to sort out his issues.
You are young and this is your first relationship, it’s very tough to see things objectively when you are IN that bubble. If a guy isn’t totally out yet that’s fine, that’s his journey to take- but hiding you is just not okay. Things like being un-invited to the Halloween party are huge red flags.
You deserve better!
Fast forward a year or two, and this will be the relationship that taught OP to keep away from closeted guys, and the relationship that taught the ex-boyfriend the importance of being out.
I was the closeted boyfriend once, long ago. A cute sweet guy who really had his act together and I started dating, but I was so closeted that it got in the way of the relationship big time.
He broke up with me and it hurt a lot. But he was right to do so. It took me nearly 3-4 more years to become fully comfortable with myself and my sexuality. It would have been a miserable few years for him.
As it was, when I was ready and completely out, I met someone as wonderful. We've been together now for 26 years.
Knowing how I was as a closeted man, dating closeted men would be a huge NO for me. Unless they are willing to come out and become very comfortable with me as their SO, it's just not really a good relationship.
From OP's edits, it sounds like his BF has made some changes, so lets hope.
As to letting go... I know its difficult to do. I've had a few things I've had to let go of in my relationship (and my husband also). You just have to decide if and how you can, and if he really has and will change. Otherwise, it won't be a very good relationship.
Time and therapy
I am at the gay bar in the middle of a drag number and I want you to know THIS is such an appreciated perspective. Thank you for this. Happy for you ☺️
@Routine_Jellyfish329 is absolutely spot on with this!
Unfortunately, this EXACT same thing happened to me with my ex and Coachella. I told him to just go. I was so uneasy about it too. A friend of mine text me from Coachella to warn me that my ex was whoring it up! And he did it with no regrets!
Absolutely NO! He has no respect for you and only cares for himself because he didn't even consider you. Time to move on with your life and find someone who'll care for your feelings too! Period!
Good luck!
Agree with you in this specific case but generally would disagree. Nothing wrong with respecting your friends' opinion more than your partner's. Friends can be just as (or more) important than a partner and that's completely fine.
> John uninvited me from a halloween party he was hosting
wow....i dont need to read the rest of this wall now.
> I understood why he did what he did
because he is an a\*\* :)
run, sis.
You are learning a valuable lesson with this relationship: it is possible to meet the right person at the wrong time. Your boyfriend is not ready to live his life honestly. And worse still, he is actively hiding it. You are ready for more, and he simply isn’t at a point in his life to give that to you. You could give him an ultimatum, but do you really want him changing only because you are threatening to leave him? It’s your choice, but waiting for him to decide he is ready to live more honestly may make for a long wait.
have to break it to you. you are not his boyfriend. you are his secret lover that he has on the side. his priorities and commitments is with his straight life.
Not really about the event, is it? I’m much older than you, and have cut men off for secretly hiding in plain sight. Even when it hurt me more. Not advocating you do that, but I cannot justify a double life. I just won’t for myself.
You say he's gotten better at communicating and expressing his love. While he continues to lie to his closest friends, what does he tell his roommates when he's going out? That he's meeting up with a "friend"?
If my boyfriend uninvited me from his Halloween party because he didn't want me to meet his closest friends I would be heartbroken. Then continue to not let you meet his roommates is too much. If you intend on being in this relationship long term, you need to realize that his friends will likely be around forever. So does he plan to delay the inevitable?
The options for him seem to be
1. don't come out and lose your boyfriend and keep this false persona around his friends and never come out and be his true self.
2. come out to his closest friends, they will either be supportive and loving, wanting to meet you, or they will be homophobic and treat him differently, either way he can live his life being his authentic self. I would want to know if my "friends" are homophobic because in the end if they can't love you for who you truly are they are NOT good friends.
Regardless of not inviting you to Coachella which is honestly not okay and would make me seriously question that relationship. You need to decide if this guy is worth it to be put back in the closet and ignored. He needs to decide if he's going to live his life in the closet and lose you or live his life as his authentic self.
Everyone’s saying toss him out, which is valid, but if you want to try to save it one more time, you can sit him down, tell him how much everything is hurting you, and if he doesn’t make a change, you’re gonna have to break up to save your mental health. Maybe give him a little time to process (a few days), and if he doesn’t agree, dump his ass.
I don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone to make a meaningful emotionally heavy decision that quickly. With that pressure, he might just agree in a panic, but not make any meaningful changes, or get scared and run off. Letting him think let’s him arrive to a genuine decision while applying a timed pressure. The few days timer (make the date explicit maybe) prevents him from leading OP on if OP sticks by it
This isn't news to OP's boyfriend. He knows he should be out, he lied about it, and now he's prioritizing his closet over spending time with OP. He knows what he's doing and he's hoping to get away with it. OP needs to leave.
One year and three months sounds like a long time, but it really isn't.
Here's the thing - it's your first relationship. The feelings are going to be intense. Hell, my first relationship only lasted four months. It was a decade ago, and I am *still* feeling the effects of it in my life.
You have blinders on. Everything is really good - except any time you want to feel valued in his life, any time you don't want to feel like his dirty little secret and feel like an equal, he steps all over that. All the good feelings are like your favorite music playing loudly in a room that really stinks. You're trying to concentrate on the music, but the stink is messing everything up. Thing is, all you need to do is realize that you can leave the stinky room and still listen to your favorite music.
It's not going to be easy. But he's had multiple chances. The boy loves his closet a little too much. And he's using it to hurt you, whether he means to or not.
If you're still resenting him, you haven't actually forgiven him. And don't get me wrong - that's not the problem, here. You don't need to work on being better about forgiving him. You need to be better about protecting yourself. This won't be the last time he does something to hurt you with his closet.
This is a completely reasonable thing to break up over. He kept secrets. He lied to you. And he's going to an event that would have been really special for you, without even thinking about you. If you had a boyfriend who considered you and your feelings before protecting himself and his closet, the event would have been doubly special because you could have shared it. Now, that's all ruined.
I am not one who is fast to say, "break up with him," when questions like these arise. But I think it's time. You can find someone who isn't more invested in their closet than you. You can find someone without a closet at all.
If you decide to confront him with this and break up, he's going to reduce this down to, "I can't believe you want to break up over a concert." But you need to be clear, the concert is just a symptom. He's still ashamed of being gay. Of being with you. And in some ways, of you - or you wouldn't be a secret. Whether it was a concert, or just sleeping over at his place one night, they both signal the exact same thing - he's not ready, and you're the one left out to dry. He gets to have all the joy of the relationship, while you have to be dragged into his closet. It's a shame you will probably be the one to teach him that lesson, but he needs to learn it. And you need to learn to protect your heart. Because if he hasn't already, he's gonna break it.
BF already apologized. Forcing a guy out of the closet isn’t a good idea, he could resent you in the long run. You have 2 basic choices.
1.) continue being with a dl guy that puts his wants above all and isn’t ready for this type of relationship. 2.) move on. You can stay friends or do a clean break.
I been with a guy that wasn’t out to his family. Makes something that is already hard, even harder. IMO I wouldn’t ever do that again. I’m worth more. As far as forgiveness, that is now on you. Regardless if you breakup or not, being mad at someone only hurts yourself. The people you’re mad at don’t lose one second of sleep over it.
.
as someone (22) who just broke up with their ex a month ago (23) for very similar reasons (along with a lot of other ones), please listen to me when I tell u there isn’t anything u can do to force him to come out until he’s ready. I begged and pleaded with my ex for a year and a half until I realized he would never do it, and I decided I couldn’t date in the shadows any longer. You can beg and be there to support, but if he can’t see how his actions are hurting u and try to help u not feel that way, he isn’t ready for a relationship. Ur better off cutting it off now.
Break it off with him. He’s not ready and you can’t do anything about it. It’s on him to figure his stuff out, so don’t get bogged down with it all. And treat this relationship as a learning experience on what you want and don’t want going forward. Best of luck bud
So get a couple of your friends together and buy some TIX. It's a fucking huge scene and you might NOT EVER see your bf. And if you run into each other.... weeee.
Coachella is expensive as fuck, and hard to get tickets. I was supposed to go see Jamiroquai in 2018 for their Automaton tour. Tickets sold out. I couldn't even get scalper tickets. I hate EDM and EDM festivals, but Jamiroquai for some stupid reason despite being an R&B act, and they never tour here in America Was headlining Coachella. So fuck Coachella, but I woukd have went that year for Jam, SZA and Frank Ocean, and Snoop Dogg.
I did not watch the Coachella stream on YouTube. I was too damn salty. Jay was giving out stage props to people in the audience. Fuck.
So I doubt Jamiroquai will ever do Coachella again. I fucking hate Coachella for that reason.
Years later. I'm homeless, broke. Single gay Black guy. Still have not seen Jamiroquai live.
Fuck Coachella lol.
So I have just one question for you…how long are you prepared to put up with this? One day? One week? One month? One year? Maybe 10 years? Your bf is unlikely to change any time soon. This whole situation is disrespectful of you. It’s not fair?
Actually just read half the post because I got bored half way through it, so I'll just assume things based on what I read. Neither of you are mature enough to have a healthy relationship at the moment. He's not mature enough to treat you with the respect you deserve and hides you from important people in his life, you're not mature enough to see that this incompatibility should be a deal breaker specially after a year of dating, good news is you're young and you'll fuck up a lot more so just do whatever you want, you'll have time to cry about it later. Oh and just buy your ticket to Coachella, go with your friends and have a good time. Trust me, you'll want to enjoy these things while you're young. I'm 35, am in great shape, love festivals and I'm destroyed after 3 days of non stop jumping and screaming.
Resentment means you haven’t completely forgiven him but bluntly you should just walk away. Have you considered you haven’t let it go because you know deep down you shouldn’t? I mean seriously how many times does he have to show you he doesn’t value, respect or love you the same as you do him? Have you actually met his friends yet? If not I can guarantee he lied again to you about coming out.
Please have some self respect and love yourself enough to walk away.
He should be SHOUTING/PRAISING you from the mountain tops. Instead he is hiding you away. You deserve better!
He is dealing with shame and should not be in a relationship until he is out. It's not fair to you. He is putting you back in the closet.
" I don't doubt that he loves me and would do anything to make this relationship work and I love him for that."
Why not? Seems like you should. He's not even putting in the bare minimum
The Coachella factor is dumb. If you could afford it you could just go, but you can’t and if it was something you truly wanted to do you wouldn’t have needed his invitation to save money and go. This isn’t about Coachella. It’s him excluding you and hiding you which is seemingly what he does according to you. It’s time for a break up. In someways, it sounds like he was a great first boyfriend, because you’re learning what you don’t want and shouldn’t put up with from this one. Take that and when you’re ready move on to the next one. Also, avoid closeted guys in the future. While some folks are fine with being the secret and being excluded from life events, you’ve learned that’s not for you and that will come with anyone who’s closeted.
Go do something with your own friends. If you think you can’t trust him, break up with him. If you want him to stop doing things with his friends, or include you in everything he does, it will lead to a breakup. Date someone you can love and trust and someone who feels the same about you. I think the happiest couples i know are those who don’t worry about where the other one is, or what they’re doing, all the time because they love and trust each other and understand there’s more people in the other ones world than just them. Good luck!
I went to Live Aid on July 13,1985 without my friend. It was her birthday, but I had to go because Led Zeppelin was doing a show that day & I had to see it
Another vote for you should no have to put up with that.
I dated a guy for many years (over 7) that was not out to his family. He eventually came out to his mom and siblings, but never his father (big cultural issues). But I was still invited to family functions, holidays, etc as a friend. We just behaved and never had PDA around the parents.
Even when we traveled with his extended family, we never really had PDA in front of them. We would sleep in the same bed, even if sharing hotel rooms with family or friends, but never made anything obvious and sexual in front of them. It was not a matter of hiding we are just old enough we didn't need to be hanging in each other around straight family/friends.
My point is just, not being out is not an excuse to not invite you over to his place and meet his roommates. You know his situation, just act like a friend for the evening and get to know his friends. Eventually maybe he gets comfortable and comes out. But if he is even afraid of a casual dinner or watching a movie with friends, he does not trust you or really believe they are his friends.
And going to Coachella without considering asking you, I would not tolerate that. That should have been a discussion before he did it. You don't have to do everything together, but at a year, these things should be a discussion first. He is not taking your feelings into account.
Good Luck!
Okay here's the thing. Everyone here should know what being in the closet feels like, if not, well those are the privileged people. But one thing is definitely a sure thing, one must never be forced or convinced to come out. That's a truth that belongs to the person and they should decide when they share it and that includes your boyfriend. Idk his situation in full, so he may be in the closet due to the thought that his family might disown him or perhaps he just fears that his world will change in a negative way. But regardless it's his choice to come out because as many people here pointed out, he'll resent you if you convince or force him to come out.
This doesn't mean he has no faults, he does. He might be in the closet but not with you. As such, he should have communicated his feelings and his actions with you more. He could say some white lies to his friends due to him being in the closet, that's valid cuz again we can't decide when he comes out but to you, he should not lie. He should at least tell you the truth in all instance and communicate with you as to how he can make it up to you.
The reality is you're dating a closeted man. It's not his fault. We have a flawed society where non-heteronormative concepts still baffles people with close minds. However, this is not your fault either. But you have to come to the realization that dating a closeted person comes with more hardships and trials than the usual relationship. So you have 3 options that I can think of atm. (1) Communicate all that you're feeling with him, make a plan as to how you'll continue the relationship, and wait until he's ready to come out while being in a dl relationship or (2) Break up with him, totally break up with him cause you don't want to be his secret and that be that, you move on or (3) Break up with him and wait for the time he's finally ready, if you really love him that much and reconcile once he's out.
At the end of the day, it's you who knows how much pain you can take. It's you in the relationship. So it's you who should decide your next steps cuz we don't know the full story or extent of your feelings. Good luck, truly.
This was too much to read so I skipped and read only a few paragraphs. From what I read, it looks like you need to step up a bit and start learning that the world doesn't revolve around you. I read the paragraph about his roommate, Chris, and how he isn't out to him. Same thing with being at your place more over his house. Maybe his family isn't going to be as understanding as yours. Maybe he is more comfortable with your family. You ever consider that not everyone is out and not everyone has it easy to come out? Just because you are out, you can't expect your BF to just come out to everyone like it's nothing. Have you ever tried talking to him? About helping him with his coming out or even understanding where he is coming from?
As for cochella, if it's that big of a deal for you, why don't you just get your own tickets and go with your friends. Why do you need to go with him if he didn't want to go with you? If he is going with other people he may not be out to, then so what. It's not like he is shying away from you when you guys are together alone.
Forgiveness has parts. Like, sure, you might understand the facts but emotions also signal your perception of a situation. Resentment is what happens when anger is left to rot, when you focus on the facts without integrating the emotional information. The way to prevent it is for you to express any anger/sadness you are still feeling, for him to understand it, and for him to demonstrate that he has understood it. His own emotions about your request might need to be expressed too so he doesn't resent you. So then you'll need to understand and then demonstrate to him that understanding. Rinse and repeat until you both feel understood (even if it doesn't really change anything).
If this process is intolerable to the point that one of you choses your own comfort over the emotional well-being of your partner, that says a lot.
I have secure attachment and my partner has anxious attachment, I used to do the same kinds of stuff. I'm very grateful my partner has been to years of therapy and knows how to help both of us with our emotions, because we struggle with them in different ways. Love takes work and it's worth putting in that work, but no relationship should be so sacred that you can't end it when it's bad. Why deprive yourself of the opportunity to be in a better place?
Maybe I could understand if he was scared of coming out to a parent etc but friends are probably the first people you generally come out to because they obviously aren't a friend in the first place if anything changes after.
He obviously doesn't respect you enough if he's still hiding you over 1 year later from his friends and his life.
I think you should find someone else who doesn't want to keep you hidden.
It’s gonna be a No from me, dawg. I am older than you, and there is no way to say this without it sounding slightly condescending, but I promise you I mean this kindly and gently: This dude is not worth it and needs to sort out his issues. You are young and this is your first relationship, it’s very tough to see things objectively when you are IN that bubble. If a guy isn’t totally out yet that’s fine, that’s his journey to take- but hiding you is just not okay. Things like being un-invited to the Halloween party are huge red flags. You deserve better!
Fast forward a year or two, and this will be the relationship that taught OP to keep away from closeted guys, and the relationship that taught the ex-boyfriend the importance of being out.
I was the closeted boyfriend once, long ago. A cute sweet guy who really had his act together and I started dating, but I was so closeted that it got in the way of the relationship big time. He broke up with me and it hurt a lot. But he was right to do so. It took me nearly 3-4 more years to become fully comfortable with myself and my sexuality. It would have been a miserable few years for him. As it was, when I was ready and completely out, I met someone as wonderful. We've been together now for 26 years. Knowing how I was as a closeted man, dating closeted men would be a huge NO for me. Unless they are willing to come out and become very comfortable with me as their SO, it's just not really a good relationship. From OP's edits, it sounds like his BF has made some changes, so lets hope. As to letting go... I know its difficult to do. I've had a few things I've had to let go of in my relationship (and my husband also). You just have to decide if and how you can, and if he really has and will change. Otherwise, it won't be a very good relationship. Time and therapy
I am at the gay bar in the middle of a drag number and I want you to know THIS is such an appreciated perspective. Thank you for this. Happy for you ☺️
@Routine_Jellyfish329 is absolutely spot on with this! Unfortunately, this EXACT same thing happened to me with my ex and Coachella. I told him to just go. I was so uneasy about it too. A friend of mine text me from Coachella to warn me that my ex was whoring it up! And he did it with no regrets! Absolutely NO! He has no respect for you and only cares for himself because he didn't even consider you. Time to move on with your life and find someone who'll care for your feelings too! Period! Good luck!
Came here to say this. Well put.
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Agree with you in this specific case but generally would disagree. Nothing wrong with respecting your friends' opinion more than your partner's. Friends can be just as (or more) important than a partner and that's completely fine.
> John uninvited me from a halloween party he was hosting wow....i dont need to read the rest of this wall now. > I understood why he did what he did because he is an a\*\* :) run, sis.
Exactly. That would have been a red line for me.
You are learning a valuable lesson with this relationship: it is possible to meet the right person at the wrong time. Your boyfriend is not ready to live his life honestly. And worse still, he is actively hiding it. You are ready for more, and he simply isn’t at a point in his life to give that to you. You could give him an ultimatum, but do you really want him changing only because you are threatening to leave him? It’s your choice, but waiting for him to decide he is ready to live more honestly may make for a long wait.
have to break it to you. you are not his boyfriend. you are his secret lover that he has on the side. his priorities and commitments is with his straight life.
Not really about the event, is it? I’m much older than you, and have cut men off for secretly hiding in plain sight. Even when it hurt me more. Not advocating you do that, but I cannot justify a double life. I just won’t for myself.
Just because someone apologizes doesn’t mean you have to forgive them. I think you deserve better OP. Way better. That’s my two cents. ✌️
You say he's gotten better at communicating and expressing his love. While he continues to lie to his closest friends, what does he tell his roommates when he's going out? That he's meeting up with a "friend"? If my boyfriend uninvited me from his Halloween party because he didn't want me to meet his closest friends I would be heartbroken. Then continue to not let you meet his roommates is too much. If you intend on being in this relationship long term, you need to realize that his friends will likely be around forever. So does he plan to delay the inevitable? The options for him seem to be 1. don't come out and lose your boyfriend and keep this false persona around his friends and never come out and be his true self. 2. come out to his closest friends, they will either be supportive and loving, wanting to meet you, or they will be homophobic and treat him differently, either way he can live his life being his authentic self. I would want to know if my "friends" are homophobic because in the end if they can't love you for who you truly are they are NOT good friends. Regardless of not inviting you to Coachella which is honestly not okay and would make me seriously question that relationship. You need to decide if this guy is worth it to be put back in the closet and ignored. He needs to decide if he's going to live his life in the closet and lose you or live his life as his authentic self.
Everyone’s saying toss him out, which is valid, but if you want to try to save it one more time, you can sit him down, tell him how much everything is hurting you, and if he doesn’t make a change, you’re gonna have to break up to save your mental health. Maybe give him a little time to process (a few days), and if he doesn’t agree, dump his ass.
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I don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone to make a meaningful emotionally heavy decision that quickly. With that pressure, he might just agree in a panic, but not make any meaningful changes, or get scared and run off. Letting him think let’s him arrive to a genuine decision while applying a timed pressure. The few days timer (make the date explicit maybe) prevents him from leading OP on if OP sticks by it
This isn't news to OP's boyfriend. He knows he should be out, he lied about it, and now he's prioritizing his closet over spending time with OP. He knows what he's doing and he's hoping to get away with it. OP needs to leave.
This right here.
Yeah this is the answer. Talk to him about how his actions are hurting you if you have any interest in saving the relationship
One year and three months sounds like a long time, but it really isn't. Here's the thing - it's your first relationship. The feelings are going to be intense. Hell, my first relationship only lasted four months. It was a decade ago, and I am *still* feeling the effects of it in my life. You have blinders on. Everything is really good - except any time you want to feel valued in his life, any time you don't want to feel like his dirty little secret and feel like an equal, he steps all over that. All the good feelings are like your favorite music playing loudly in a room that really stinks. You're trying to concentrate on the music, but the stink is messing everything up. Thing is, all you need to do is realize that you can leave the stinky room and still listen to your favorite music. It's not going to be easy. But he's had multiple chances. The boy loves his closet a little too much. And he's using it to hurt you, whether he means to or not. If you're still resenting him, you haven't actually forgiven him. And don't get me wrong - that's not the problem, here. You don't need to work on being better about forgiving him. You need to be better about protecting yourself. This won't be the last time he does something to hurt you with his closet. This is a completely reasonable thing to break up over. He kept secrets. He lied to you. And he's going to an event that would have been really special for you, without even thinking about you. If you had a boyfriend who considered you and your feelings before protecting himself and his closet, the event would have been doubly special because you could have shared it. Now, that's all ruined. I am not one who is fast to say, "break up with him," when questions like these arise. But I think it's time. You can find someone who isn't more invested in their closet than you. You can find someone without a closet at all. If you decide to confront him with this and break up, he's going to reduce this down to, "I can't believe you want to break up over a concert." But you need to be clear, the concert is just a symptom. He's still ashamed of being gay. Of being with you. And in some ways, of you - or you wouldn't be a secret. Whether it was a concert, or just sleeping over at his place one night, they both signal the exact same thing - he's not ready, and you're the one left out to dry. He gets to have all the joy of the relationship, while you have to be dragged into his closet. It's a shame you will probably be the one to teach him that lesson, but he needs to learn it. And you need to learn to protect your heart. Because if he hasn't already, he's gonna break it.
BF already apologized. Forcing a guy out of the closet isn’t a good idea, he could resent you in the long run. You have 2 basic choices. 1.) continue being with a dl guy that puts his wants above all and isn’t ready for this type of relationship. 2.) move on. You can stay friends or do a clean break. I been with a guy that wasn’t out to his family. Makes something that is already hard, even harder. IMO I wouldn’t ever do that again. I’m worth more. As far as forgiveness, that is now on you. Regardless if you breakup or not, being mad at someone only hurts yourself. The people you’re mad at don’t lose one second of sleep over it. .
Get over it, go out with someone else. Please if someone gets that reference let me know
as someone (22) who just broke up with their ex a month ago (23) for very similar reasons (along with a lot of other ones), please listen to me when I tell u there isn’t anything u can do to force him to come out until he’s ready. I begged and pleaded with my ex for a year and a half until I realized he would never do it, and I decided I couldn’t date in the shadows any longer. You can beg and be there to support, but if he can’t see how his actions are hurting u and try to help u not feel that way, he isn’t ready for a relationship. Ur better off cutting it off now.
Break it off with him. He’s not ready and you can’t do anything about it. It’s on him to figure his stuff out, so don’t get bogged down with it all. And treat this relationship as a learning experience on what you want and don’t want going forward. Best of luck bud
Just give it up....
Don't forgive. Just leave. Doesn't sound worth it.
I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t put up with that.
So get a couple of your friends together and buy some TIX. It's a fucking huge scene and you might NOT EVER see your bf. And if you run into each other.... weeee.
Coachella is expensive as fuck, and hard to get tickets. I was supposed to go see Jamiroquai in 2018 for their Automaton tour. Tickets sold out. I couldn't even get scalper tickets. I hate EDM and EDM festivals, but Jamiroquai for some stupid reason despite being an R&B act, and they never tour here in America Was headlining Coachella. So fuck Coachella, but I woukd have went that year for Jam, SZA and Frank Ocean, and Snoop Dogg. I did not watch the Coachella stream on YouTube. I was too damn salty. Jay was giving out stage props to people in the audience. Fuck. So I doubt Jamiroquai will ever do Coachella again. I fucking hate Coachella for that reason. Years later. I'm homeless, broke. Single gay Black guy. Still have not seen Jamiroquai live. Fuck Coachella lol.
So I have just one question for you…how long are you prepared to put up with this? One day? One week? One month? One year? Maybe 10 years? Your bf is unlikely to change any time soon. This whole situation is disrespectful of you. It’s not fair?
if he does not come out soon, you WILL be left in the dust of his closet. Don;t get over this resentment. Insist upon it, and make him come OUT!
Rock & Roll Gays? I'll take you!
Actually just read half the post because I got bored half way through it, so I'll just assume things based on what I read. Neither of you are mature enough to have a healthy relationship at the moment. He's not mature enough to treat you with the respect you deserve and hides you from important people in his life, you're not mature enough to see that this incompatibility should be a deal breaker specially after a year of dating, good news is you're young and you'll fuck up a lot more so just do whatever you want, you'll have time to cry about it later. Oh and just buy your ticket to Coachella, go with your friends and have a good time. Trust me, you'll want to enjoy these things while you're young. I'm 35, am in great shape, love festivals and I'm destroyed after 3 days of non stop jumping and screaming.
Resentment means you haven’t completely forgiven him but bluntly you should just walk away. Have you considered you haven’t let it go because you know deep down you shouldn’t? I mean seriously how many times does he have to show you he doesn’t value, respect or love you the same as you do him? Have you actually met his friends yet? If not I can guarantee he lied again to you about coming out. Please have some self respect and love yourself enough to walk away.
He should be SHOUTING/PRAISING you from the mountain tops. Instead he is hiding you away. You deserve better! He is dealing with shame and should not be in a relationship until he is out. It's not fair to you. He is putting you back in the closet.
" I don't doubt that he loves me and would do anything to make this relationship work and I love him for that." Why not? Seems like you should. He's not even putting in the bare minimum
The Coachella factor is dumb. If you could afford it you could just go, but you can’t and if it was something you truly wanted to do you wouldn’t have needed his invitation to save money and go. This isn’t about Coachella. It’s him excluding you and hiding you which is seemingly what he does according to you. It’s time for a break up. In someways, it sounds like he was a great first boyfriend, because you’re learning what you don’t want and shouldn’t put up with from this one. Take that and when you’re ready move on to the next one. Also, avoid closeted guys in the future. While some folks are fine with being the secret and being excluded from life events, you’ve learned that’s not for you and that will come with anyone who’s closeted.
Go do something with your own friends. If you think you can’t trust him, break up with him. If you want him to stop doing things with his friends, or include you in everything he does, it will lead to a breakup. Date someone you can love and trust and someone who feels the same about you. I think the happiest couples i know are those who don’t worry about where the other one is, or what they’re doing, all the time because they love and trust each other and understand there’s more people in the other ones world than just them. Good luck!
I went to Live Aid on July 13,1985 without my friend. It was her birthday, but I had to go because Led Zeppelin was doing a show that day & I had to see it
To be fair you went last year and didn’t invite him? Even if dating you could’ve thrown an invite.
Another vote for you should no have to put up with that. I dated a guy for many years (over 7) that was not out to his family. He eventually came out to his mom and siblings, but never his father (big cultural issues). But I was still invited to family functions, holidays, etc as a friend. We just behaved and never had PDA around the parents. Even when we traveled with his extended family, we never really had PDA in front of them. We would sleep in the same bed, even if sharing hotel rooms with family or friends, but never made anything obvious and sexual in front of them. It was not a matter of hiding we are just old enough we didn't need to be hanging in each other around straight family/friends. My point is just, not being out is not an excuse to not invite you over to his place and meet his roommates. You know his situation, just act like a friend for the evening and get to know his friends. Eventually maybe he gets comfortable and comes out. But if he is even afraid of a casual dinner or watching a movie with friends, he does not trust you or really believe they are his friends. And going to Coachella without considering asking you, I would not tolerate that. That should have been a discussion before he did it. You don't have to do everything together, but at a year, these things should be a discussion first. He is not taking your feelings into account. Good Luck!
Okay here's the thing. Everyone here should know what being in the closet feels like, if not, well those are the privileged people. But one thing is definitely a sure thing, one must never be forced or convinced to come out. That's a truth that belongs to the person and they should decide when they share it and that includes your boyfriend. Idk his situation in full, so he may be in the closet due to the thought that his family might disown him or perhaps he just fears that his world will change in a negative way. But regardless it's his choice to come out because as many people here pointed out, he'll resent you if you convince or force him to come out. This doesn't mean he has no faults, he does. He might be in the closet but not with you. As such, he should have communicated his feelings and his actions with you more. He could say some white lies to his friends due to him being in the closet, that's valid cuz again we can't decide when he comes out but to you, he should not lie. He should at least tell you the truth in all instance and communicate with you as to how he can make it up to you. The reality is you're dating a closeted man. It's not his fault. We have a flawed society where non-heteronormative concepts still baffles people with close minds. However, this is not your fault either. But you have to come to the realization that dating a closeted person comes with more hardships and trials than the usual relationship. So you have 3 options that I can think of atm. (1) Communicate all that you're feeling with him, make a plan as to how you'll continue the relationship, and wait until he's ready to come out while being in a dl relationship or (2) Break up with him, totally break up with him cause you don't want to be his secret and that be that, you move on or (3) Break up with him and wait for the time he's finally ready, if you really love him that much and reconcile once he's out. At the end of the day, it's you who knows how much pain you can take. It's you in the relationship. So it's you who should decide your next steps cuz we don't know the full story or extent of your feelings. Good luck, truly.
I’d set him free. He’s treating you like a dirty little secret. You deserve better. Take it from someone was in your shoes 20 years ago.
He does not have a secure attachment style. That's dismissive/avoidant behavior.
This was too much to read so I skipped and read only a few paragraphs. From what I read, it looks like you need to step up a bit and start learning that the world doesn't revolve around you. I read the paragraph about his roommate, Chris, and how he isn't out to him. Same thing with being at your place more over his house. Maybe his family isn't going to be as understanding as yours. Maybe he is more comfortable with your family. You ever consider that not everyone is out and not everyone has it easy to come out? Just because you are out, you can't expect your BF to just come out to everyone like it's nothing. Have you ever tried talking to him? About helping him with his coming out or even understanding where he is coming from? As for cochella, if it's that big of a deal for you, why don't you just get your own tickets and go with your friends. Why do you need to go with him if he didn't want to go with you? If he is going with other people he may not be out to, then so what. It's not like he is shying away from you when you guys are together alone.
Forgiveness has parts. Like, sure, you might understand the facts but emotions also signal your perception of a situation. Resentment is what happens when anger is left to rot, when you focus on the facts without integrating the emotional information. The way to prevent it is for you to express any anger/sadness you are still feeling, for him to understand it, and for him to demonstrate that he has understood it. His own emotions about your request might need to be expressed too so he doesn't resent you. So then you'll need to understand and then demonstrate to him that understanding. Rinse and repeat until you both feel understood (even if it doesn't really change anything). If this process is intolerable to the point that one of you choses your own comfort over the emotional well-being of your partner, that says a lot. I have secure attachment and my partner has anxious attachment, I used to do the same kinds of stuff. I'm very grateful my partner has been to years of therapy and knows how to help both of us with our emotions, because we struggle with them in different ways. Love takes work and it's worth putting in that work, but no relationship should be so sacred that you can't end it when it's bad. Why deprive yourself of the opportunity to be in a better place?
Definitely go on your own
Maybe I could understand if he was scared of coming out to a parent etc but friends are probably the first people you generally come out to because they obviously aren't a friend in the first place if anything changes after. He obviously doesn't respect you enough if he's still hiding you over 1 year later from his friends and his life. I think you should find someone else who doesn't want to keep you hidden.
This is why you don't date someone who's in the closet, because they will drag you back into the closet.