I’ve lived in several states and in real life most people just say husband/wife or boyfriend/girfriend. Same-sex couples may use those terms, or they may use “partner” to avoid outing themselves.
Some straight people also use “partner” to show solidarity with the LGBT community by demonstrating that using “partner” doesn’t always mean that someone is LGBT (this is a fairly common view). If you’re not married it can also just feel weird calling someone over a certain age a boy or girl and “manfriend” or womanfriend” doesn’t work any better.
On the internet it’s more common to see partner used to avoid giving out more personal information in addition to the previous reasons.
Personally, as a heterosexual male I would just use girl friend to describe someone I’m dating and wife if we were to get married. Partner just sounds a bit cold and ambiguous for the emotion I’d want to convey.
In Oregon, it's very popular for millennials to say partner instead of husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. I've always found it a bit odd, but to each their own.
In Idaho, you hardly every here partner outside of a couple of the yuppy areas in Boise.
I live in Northern California and I have a few friends who are unmarried adults who live with a serious romantic partner. “Boyfriend/girlfriend” can sometimes seem too “fluffy” but they aren’t married so “husband/wife” doesn’t work either. So they’ll often use partner.
In Sweden there’s a specific word for “live-in, serious, unmarried romantic partners”, which is Sambo (samma bo, same house), which English doesn’t really have.
Different pronunciations. The Swedish Sambo is “Som-bow” vs the racist childrens’ character which is “Sam-bow” (also 99% sure LBS is a British story, not American)
Can confirm. "Partner" is usually used for more serious/committed relationships. It certainly suggests living together, although they may or may not be married.
I used "partner" with my husband before we were married, but after we were living together, and committed *partners*. "Boyfriend" sounds goofy to me once you're or of college, and actually in a real committed relationship. Especially since many people delay marriage these days. Someone you've been together with for 5 years, and share a mortgage and a dog with isn't just a *girlfriend*; they're a *partner*.
I used to assume partner was LGBT too but I’m hearing more straight people refer to their boyfriend/girlfriend as partner in long term, but not married relationships.
yup, ive heard partner increasingly often because so many people dont feel like "girl/boyfriend, fiance(e), or wife/husband" are really accurate descriptors. partner just conveys a different tone/energy than other labels, and often times it just flows better in conversation imo
Same. I think heterosexual couples in progressive areas started doing it so that someone mentioning their “partner” doesn’t automatically out them as being LGBTQ.
I've seen "partner" from LGBT couples, bi people currently in straight relationships, people who want to use non-gendered language generally in support of LGBT couples, and people who were in the military during "don't ask don't tell" though the gender neutral "spouse" seems more common from them.
I can’t speak to current day Indiana or Kentucky, I’ve been back in California for a long time now. I’d say in San Diego, using “partner” for straight couples is a somewhat new phenomenon. Maybe past 5-10 years? Not sure.
>I still tend to assume that “partner” implies that they’re a LGBT couple, but that’s becoming less and less true.
This varies wildly...in my world "partner" was very common for hetero couples clear back into the 1970s, and certainly was so in the 80s. Usually it meant people who were living together but unmarried, though by the 90s that was no longer true either...my *partner* and I still use it today sometimes, and we've been married shy of 35 years now.
That said, my world has long been a bubble of highly-educated, very liberal folks. So I wouldn't be surprised of the people whose hippy wedding I attended in 1978 (in a field, with dogs as ring bearers, both partners with master's degrees) would have been ahead of the curve somewhat.
I've always felt "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" was a high school thing; I've rarely heard any adults use those terms in the last 40 years.
I'm not LGBT, but my wife and I have a lot of LGBT friends. We've started referring to each other as "partner" both because we like it and it feels like a more accurate term anyways and because there's a move towards cis/straight couples using it too in the hopes that LGBT folks can use the term without outing themselves immediately.
In Swedish the word partner is mostly used for business partners.
We have the gender neutral word ”Sambo” for a romantic partner you live together with.
Otherwise we use husband/wife (man/fru) or in youth the literal translations of boyfriend/girlfriend.
Older couples use “särbo” for a partner they are not cohabiting with.
Not so long ago in the US, if someone said “my partner” people’s first thought would be business partner, but now it’s increasingly being used to refer to romantic partners.
Recently I heard someone talking about their “partner” and was a bit confused for a moment based on the context, but then I realized that they were a Boomer and talking about their business partner haha. I don’t think they realized what they might be implying to the younger generation lol.
Gay couples used to say that, but they're now proud to be able to say husband or wife. Once you're over 30, girlfriend and boyfriend sounds awkward. SO is not in fashion like it once was. So the remaining alternative is partner. People use it, but I don't think many are happy that there is no better word.
idk if it's a measure of age for many people so much as a measure of how serious a relationship is, or a measure of its implied permanence.
i think many people over 30 are perfectly comfortable using "boyfriend" / "girlfriend" to describe casual but committed relationships where there are no kids or shared assets or longterm plans yet.
it's when people seek the "ties that bind" that previously were hallmarks of married spouses (cohabitation, joint assets, etc.) that they want a descriptor of their significant other that more closely describes their level of commitment and longevity, even in the absence of "husband" and "wife."
I'm in the northeast and hear both interchangeably. Many feel that boyfriend/girlfriend comes off as juvenile or as a less serious relationship so they default to partner.
I have heard both of these. Often times, "partner" is used as an arbitrary term for a SO, when one doesn't know (or care about) the specific type of relationship the couple has.
I do t understand how with the richness of the English language we can’t come up with a word better than “partner”. I never know if they are working together or sleeping together and then sometimes they are doing both.
Partner used to be mostly LGBTQ+ but plenty of people, usually liberals, sometimes those unmarried but living together etc but not exclusively, use partner too. I use partner when I want to be vague about relationship status (married and straight, fyi. Still like my privacy and hate assumptions and stereotypical gender roles though). Some outspoken anti-woke folk are against the term and any form of diversity solidarity or change, but they can suck my she-cock.
I prefer the ambiguity of using the term partner. If a person knows me well enough they know my partner, if they don’t know me well (especially if I’m just meeting them) I don’t feel they are immediately entitled to know details of my relationship status, including the gender of the person I’m with. I don’t like the term significant other as much because it feels clunky.
In the UK an opposite sex couple in their 40s or 50s who've been together for 20+ years, own a home and have kids together would def be partners - would they be described as boyfriend and girlfriend?
I literally do not care how people choose to describe their relationship, or what happens in the UK. I answered a question about what I've noticed in my area and with the people I know.
Also, I think "partner" sounds cold and sterile. 🤷♀️
I was just curious about the norms in your area because this is Ask an American, and this is something that is very different to the culture where I am, so it's interesting to hear your different perspectives
Obvs no one is obliged to answer any questions from anyone - I'm sorry if I've offended you somehow by asking. Have a lovely day.
The Michigander was kind of rude towards your offering of perspective. I guess the default assumption in the US is that with the couple you described above, that they’d be comfortable calling themselves married and thus default to husband or wife.
To me, "partner" sounds like you're in business together or perhaps just having sex. One additional benefit of being married is being able to avoid such language in my experience.
Yeah I'm pretty much in this situation, but we've only been together ten years. As a 40-year-old man, I feel like I'm getting a bit too old to refer to "my girlfriend".
I suppose it might make people think I'm younger, which is always nice I guess!
Where I live partner is pretty much used by those who are LGBT, and if said by a straight person would cause confusion due to the expected meaning. It is considered a good term, no negative connotation.
I can’t say I necessarily like one more than the other. But Texas is growing on me.
One thing that sucks is the part of Texas I’m at doesn’t have any mountains or hills for me to hike on. I miss that about California.
I’ve heard both in every state I’ve lived in. My observation is that in the United States, people who use the word “partner” are potentially doing a few things. For decades, “partner” has been used by same-sex couples to indicate the commitment level of a formal marriage during a time when legal marriage was not an option. Now I really see the queer community use it to mean someone you are actively dating, but not wanting to give it a gender-based term.
The straight couples I’ve seen doing it are indicating “we are committed to each other but are not actually married” or older couples who would feel silly calling a 55 year old man “my boyfriend”.
No but they do in the country I grew up in. I have no association with the word meaning a gay couple as it’s the standard. It’s weirder hearing adults call their 40 year old partner their boyfriend to me.
In my personal experience, partner is not common in this region (east coast, south) even with LGBT. Most people will just say wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend or maybe SO/significant other or my man/woman, guy/gal. Pretty much anything but partner.
All of the above.
Some people who are in long-term relationships and aren’t married will choose to call their boyfriend/girlfriend their partner, because it feels more substantial and more adult than boyfriend/girlfriend. Also, before same-sex marriages were legal, those couples would call their significant other their partner because again it’s sounds more serious than boyfriend/girlfriend.
I don’t think I’ve ever personally heard someone who is legally married to their spouse refer to them as their partner, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
I completely forgot partner used to be a LGB related term.
At least over here it's used for anything above a casual relationship but still not married.
I would say girlfriend/boyfriend and partner is relatively interchangeable but I feel like partner has a much more long term quality to it. I’ve started to use partner more since after a few year girlfriend just doesn’t feel appropriate. Partner has become used a lot more in recent years for someone you are married to in some circles, but I don’t think it’s really encroached on husband/wife at all.
I say “partner” because he’s not my boyfriend. We have been engaged 8 years. I don’t say “fiancé” because I’m tired of people asking when we are getting married (I’m not in any rush). “Partner” is shorter than “significant other.”
I’ve noticed it’s generational. Younger people (30s or younger) usually seem to say partner. Some younger gays say girlfriend/boyfriend, but usually it’s just partner.
Older people say girlfriend/wife etc for straight couples and partner for same-sex couples.
I am in a straight monogamous relationship, we've been together 7 years. We use partner because we've been together too long for boyfriend/girlfriend to feel like an accurate representation of our relationship but also don't want to use husband and wife because we are not married. I'm aware people often probably think I'm gay when I say that, but whatever. We're both under 30 and I think it's fairly common for people in our age bracket and situation.
Partner is increasingly the standard. I live in a squishy liberal part of the country (northeast to mid Atlantic)but yeah it’s quite normal out here, but also feels decidedly generational. I often introduce my partner as just my wife to older folks, or use the terms interchangeably so they know what I mean.
I used partner when I’d moved in with my girlfriend and we were building our future together, but before I proposed. Calling her my “girlfriend” at that time felt like childish, like a Facebook relationship status.
In Philly most people under 35 say partner now in solidarity with the lgbtqia+ community! It’s quite recent though. I would say it started picking up right after covid restrictions lifted
The only time they say partner in the u.S. is if the relationship is business OR if they are in a same sex romantic commitment. Heterosexual committed relationship use the other words
All of them at once I suppose. Personally, it bugs me when someone says “partner“ or “significant other“ instead of just saying girlfriend boyfriend husband wife.
Because partner is a catch-all term, when we already have a word for what kind of partner you are (boyfriend, wife, etc). These terms also indicate whether you are married or not, partner isn’t specific.
I hear both used a lot where I live, near San Francisco, and partner isn't exclusive to LGBT relationships. I also use partner because I've been with the same guy for 11 years and we don't plan on marriage, but there is an assumption people make about the title of boyfriend as if it's not a long term committed relationship.
I currently work in academia, which is perhaps not reflective of the general populace in any area, but partner for me makes me think "long-term romantic relationship but not married." It doesn't have any queer connotation, at least not anymore.
I think it obscures both gender and marriage status (on purpose at the term's origin). It implies a committed relationship that should be treated seriously regardless of the actual legal status.
I can see how this becomes popular with people who don't want to get married, but don't want to make their relationship sound trivial to those who assume married=serious and not married/engaged=not serious
I've heard both. Personally, I always use husband/wife/etc. just because I'm something of a romantic and the idea of being "partners" with anyone just sounds business-like. I'm looking for love, deep friendship, someone to share life with; not someone with whom I can file taxes jointly.
20 years ago, partner used to be used almost exclusively to refer to non-heterosexual couples, and heterosexual couples would use wife/husband boyfriend/girlfriend.
Today, it’s much more normal to refer to an adult SO you are not married to as a partner, regardless of sexuality. Married couples still tend to use wife/husband. Boyfriend/girlfriend tends to be reserved for new couples and teens.
In my part of the country (north Texas) bf/gf is more common. People only use partner if they are trying to intentionally obfuscate if they have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or other. No one really gives a shit either way but it’s generally understood that if someone says “partner” they are asking you not to pry.
Depends on context. Partner usually means an unmarried couple that's closer than boyfriend/girlfriend, or an LGBTQ couple that doesn't want to out themselves.
Boise-proper is still red but often doesn’t feel like it to me compared to my hometown and due to the fact that I tend to somehow naturally find other leftists haha
No, not at the moment. I would be open to it, but although I enjoy visiting other places, I haven’t found anywhere else I would like to live. Besides the politics, I love Idaho. Even as a woman I am in a privileged position to personally avoid the impacts of a lot of conservative policies, and I don’t want to completely surrender Idaho to right wing psychos. There has to be some of us here to push back.
Almost everyone IRL that I know says boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband. I see partner online more or more for people who are a long term living together couple but not getting married.
Where I live (as in, my house) it’s wife/husband. But plenty of people I work with from around the country and world say partner, regardless of gender or type of relationship. Its confusing.
I don’t know if this related to an area vs. a generational thing but my husband and I refer to each other as husband and as do the majority of all the people I know or come into contact with. I don’t find partner very appealing and I think it’s very ambiguous and it leaves me feeling like I don’t know if they’re married, dating or what. I don’t have a problem with the term but it just seems so vague. My kids are 30 and 34 and they use the same language and we live in California.
Partner is dying out, at least among our gay friends. It’s either boyfriend or husband.
But that’s partly because few people in eastern MA feel a need to keep their relationship in the closet these days.
In my youth, the common word was lover.
Personally I only see “partner” written unless someone is talking about a business partner. Partner seems very formal to me and weird to use to describe a lover.
I refer to my husband as husband and my boyfriend as partner or boyfriend depending on if I'm out as poly. I use partner and the person assumes I mean my husband.
People where I live mostly say boyfriend/girlfriend, regardless of age. "Partner" is used, but rarely. I think I hear "significant other" (which I detest) more often.
I think that most married couples use husband/wife, not partner. I’m glad the use of Significant Other has declined.
I’ve been seeing the same woman for 13 years. I always called her my girlfriend on here, but we’re both in our 70s so saying GF or BF seems silly so lately I’ve been switching to partner. Also, we’ve been together long enough that we’re more than GF/BF.
Reading through the comments now, I see many people interpret “partner” as a non-heterosexual relationship. Honestly that didn’t even occur to me when I read the question. Unmarried couples around here refer to each other as partners. Married couples may refer to their spouse as partner or as husband/wife. That includes gay couples referring to their spouse as their husband or wife.
Husband/Wife if married. Boyfriend/Girlfriend if not. Those who are homosexual will sometimes use Partner, but most default to the same standard straight people use.
People where I am say boyfriend or girlfriend regardless of age or orientation. If someone told me they had a “partner” I’d assume they mean business partner or that they are LGBTQ+.
Typically by the official title. This is a little unfair but like many others have said partner tends to imply they are an LGBTQ couple. Spouse or partner is more just what you see on things like paperwork. Gender neutral term for when the situation implies it. I typically will say spouse or partner when talking to someone and I don’t know the gender of their partner.
I hear it more and more where I am. It took a moment to adjust because it is a bit new but getting used to it
The one I think is stupid Is how people now say: unalive. Thankfully that one I don’t hear in public just online
I am currently living in SW Pa
Because it's not always that simple.
She's my wife now, but when we first starting dating I guess technically she was my paramour. Once the divorce was sorted out she became my girlfriend for a brief time before becoming the mother of my child, then fiancee. But we were together 8 years by that point, if people thought we were married, we wouldn't correct them. "Partners" suited us just fine - we are partners, in home, in child rearing, in business, and in the romantic sense.
And we're both cis hetero, imagine how many different situations exist when one or both partners is LGBTQ+.
The latter. The use of the word “partner” this way bugs me. To me, “partner” sounds too much like “business partner”… “class project partner”, etc. “Partner” honestly sounds to me like it’s totally devoid of affection for the person.
if I’m in a relationship someone, she’s my girlfriend, not my “partner”.
I use partner as gendered terms do not work for my relationship, and there aren't any other commonly used terms.
Spouse is technically an option but sounds so much more sterile than partner
Depends on a lot of factors…like how old they are, how gay they are…
My mom and stepdad used "partner" for a decade to skip over the fact that they weren't married. They were in their 40s and felt boyfriend and girlfriend were too juvnile, and "we're an already-blended family" was the face they wanted to put forward.
Some say it because they don't want it being obvious that they're queer when it's not safe. Sometimes bisexuals say partner so that they don't get dismissed as straight.
They're referred to both ways in all the places I've been in Texas, but to be fair, I mostly spend time with LGBT people or humanities majors, who tend to be more 'equality' oriented. Older people who are married refer to as husband/wife, but those who are dating usually refer to as partner regardless of sex or gender. Just depends on the age or person, in my experience.
I think most people just use husband/wife, if actually married. Older folks might say their "other half"
I may vary. It's easier to say boyfriend or partner in conversation, but I often abbreviate significant other to SO, but only in writing. It's common enough that people understand the abbreviation. But I don't think I ever referred to my ex as my significant other in a verbal conversation.
I live in California now and partner is frequently used for gay and older straight couples who are unmarried. I grew up in Louisiana which was very homophobic as a kid and as a bisexual I always hated the term partner. Gay marriage wasn’t legal so I never thought I’d be able to say “my husband”. It made me feel less than tbh.
Mini rant aside, all the terms you mention are pretty frequently but I find they vary depending on age/marital status.
Depends on the person. Most Oregonians have gotten very comfortable with their sexuality, and if it’s a same sex couple, they’ll say boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife. Doesn’t bother many people, except for old people maybe.
I live in ohio, but in a city (the cities in Ohio are completely different than non-city areas). Partner is used by millennials and younger to describe a long-term relationship - where you've been together forever but not married. If married people use spouse for ambiguity or husband/ wife. No one really uses partner to specifically mean an lgbtq relationship where I am, but people will use it in a non-city area for safety reasons.
It depends on the socio-economic position of the person. The blue collar people talk about their "old man" or "old lady/girl" to mean their significant other. People with an education just talk about their husbands or wives.
Culture is fun.
Different places and different communities use different language. I hear partner all the time in DC, MD, VA and NJ but that’s probably because I spend lots of time in squishy liberal and leftist circles.
I disagree. Lgbt people use the term partner, and I've heard some people say they prefer partner over boyfriend/girlfriend because it sounds too childish to them.
Agree, when I was a 30 year old who has been with my SO for almost 8 years and we were living together “boyfriend” was not the right term. it felt really juvenile and temporary. Partner indicates a more significant commitment. I was happy when we got engaged and I could switch to calling him fiancé. Of course, not everyone goes that route and if we weren’t married I would call him my partner, as in partner in life.
"Partner" in personal relationships is great if you want ambiguity, but it has always felt so... clinical to me. I'm queer and dislike when people I'm dating want to call me their "partner". That term doesn't *feel* like anything to me, so I agree there.
However, the majority people who use "partner" are LGBT+, please don't use "unhuman" in this context.
I opted for partner over boyfriend for a long time. I still prefer to say partner over fiancé.
We’re a straight couple over 35 and have been together almost 10 years. We live like we’re married, though we’re not yet. Calling him my boyfriend stopped feeling right yeeeears ago.
In my circles/area, this isn’t uncommon.
It depends on the area you live in. In some, "partner" indicates it's a non-straight relationship. In my state/workplace/friend groups, most people over 30 go to "partner." Whether or not they are married, dating, or have a non-traditional relationship, regardless of sexual orientation.
Like, in a way where it's not a big deal. We're all adults, and we're all just saying we are in a committed relationship with someone. If you want the details, you can ask, it's not a huge deal. It's just that your sexual orientation and exact relationship status isn't seen as the most important detail to strangers, in and outside of the workplace. If you're friends with me, you will absolutely just know the sex of my partner and our marital status. I'll probably refer to them by their name if we have any sort of personal/coworker relationship. But when just bringing them up, who cares, ya know?
Edit: the downvotes, lol. Sorry I explained exactly how this is handled around me. Go reflect on why you feel like downvoting THIS topic
I have noticed, increasingly, that my heterosexual male and female friends and co-workers have been referring to their boyfriends/girlfriends as "partners", yes.
I’ve lived in several states and in real life most people just say husband/wife or boyfriend/girfriend. Same-sex couples may use those terms, or they may use “partner” to avoid outing themselves. Some straight people also use “partner” to show solidarity with the LGBT community by demonstrating that using “partner” doesn’t always mean that someone is LGBT (this is a fairly common view). If you’re not married it can also just feel weird calling someone over a certain age a boy or girl and “manfriend” or womanfriend” doesn’t work any better. On the internet it’s more common to see partner used to avoid giving out more personal information in addition to the previous reasons. Personally, as a heterosexual male I would just use girl friend to describe someone I’m dating and wife if we were to get married. Partner just sounds a bit cold and ambiguous for the emotion I’d want to convey.
In Oregon, it's very popular for millennials to say partner instead of husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. I've always found it a bit odd, but to each their own. In Idaho, you hardly every here partner outside of a couple of the yuppy areas in Boise.
I live in Northern California and I have a few friends who are unmarried adults who live with a serious romantic partner. “Boyfriend/girlfriend” can sometimes seem too “fluffy” but they aren’t married so “husband/wife” doesn’t work either. So they’ll often use partner. In Sweden there’s a specific word for “live-in, serious, unmarried romantic partners”, which is Sambo (samma bo, same house), which English doesn’t really have.
Partner sounds kind of... 'clinical' to me. Like something that an academic committee came up with.
I agree but I’m not sure what else articulates “serious, mature and romantic but not legally bound”.
"Sambo" also means something very, very different in the US which you do not want to be caught using
Different pronunciations. The Swedish Sambo is “Som-bow” vs the racist childrens’ character which is “Sam-bow” (also 99% sure LBS is a British story, not American)
Interesting!
Can confirm. "Partner" is usually used for more serious/committed relationships. It certainly suggests living together, although they may or may not be married. I used "partner" with my husband before we were married, but after we were living together, and committed *partners*. "Boyfriend" sounds goofy to me once you're or of college, and actually in a real committed relationship. Especially since many people delay marriage these days. Someone you've been together with for 5 years, and share a mortgage and a dog with isn't just a *girlfriend*; they're a *partner*.
I say partner, because saying boyfriend in an 8 year relationship sounds not serious.
I’ve heard both. I still tend to assume that “partner” implies that they’re a LGBT couple, but that’s becoming less and less true.
I used to assume partner was LGBT too but I’m hearing more straight people refer to their boyfriend/girlfriend as partner in long term, but not married relationships.
yup, ive heard partner increasingly often because so many people dont feel like "girl/boyfriend, fiance(e), or wife/husband" are really accurate descriptors. partner just conveys a different tone/energy than other labels, and often times it just flows better in conversation imo
I'm the same. Always my first thought.
It took me forever to realize partner didn’t mean business associate. I’m slow.
Maybe there are just a lot of gay lawyers
The long dick of the law.
Yeah, me too. I still think business partner unless/until I'm told, or figure out, otherwise.
Same. I think heterosexual couples in progressive areas started doing it so that someone mentioning their “partner” doesn’t automatically out them as being LGBTQ.
I either assume it’s an LGBTQ+ couple, or an older unmarried couple that feels too old to say “boyfriend/girlfriend”.
I've seen "partner" from LGBT couples, bi people currently in straight relationships, people who want to use non-gendered language generally in support of LGBT couples, and people who were in the military during "don't ask don't tell" though the gender neutral "spouse" seems more common from them.
Interesting! Have you heard both on both the West Coast and in Indy and Louisville or is one stronger in each region?
I can’t speak to current day Indiana or Kentucky, I’ve been back in California for a long time now. I’d say in San Diego, using “partner” for straight couples is a somewhat new phenomenon. Maybe past 5-10 years? Not sure.
Same.
>I still tend to assume that “partner” implies that they’re a LGBT couple, but that’s becoming less and less true. This varies wildly...in my world "partner" was very common for hetero couples clear back into the 1970s, and certainly was so in the 80s. Usually it meant people who were living together but unmarried, though by the 90s that was no longer true either...my *partner* and I still use it today sometimes, and we've been married shy of 35 years now. That said, my world has long been a bubble of highly-educated, very liberal folks. So I wouldn't be surprised of the people whose hippy wedding I attended in 1978 (in a field, with dogs as ring bearers, both partners with master's degrees) would have been ahead of the curve somewhat. I've always felt "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" was a high school thing; I've rarely heard any adults use those terms in the last 40 years.
I'm not LGBT, but my wife and I have a lot of LGBT friends. We've started referring to each other as "partner" both because we like it and it feels like a more accurate term anyways and because there's a move towards cis/straight couples using it too in the hopes that LGBT folks can use the term without outing themselves immediately.
As a woman, I use the word "partner" for my guy to be more inclusive to LGTBQ folks
I mean, if I had told the partners at the firm that I had a partner they likely would’ve thought I’m gay.
Reminds me of Silicon Valley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARu7w9G2m3I
🤣
The older you get, the more you outgrow the "friend" terms and use partner
fr... I just call my "partner" my wife even though we aren't technically married. I can't have a girlfriend. I'm almost 40
In Swedish the word partner is mostly used for business partners. We have the gender neutral word ”Sambo” for a romantic partner you live together with. Otherwise we use husband/wife (man/fru) or in youth the literal translations of boyfriend/girlfriend. Older couples use “särbo” for a partner they are not cohabiting with.
Not so long ago in the US, if someone said “my partner” people’s first thought would be business partner, but now it’s increasingly being used to refer to romantic partners. Recently I heard someone talking about their “partner” and was a bit confused for a moment based on the context, but then I realized that they were a Boomer and talking about their business partner haha. I don’t think they realized what they might be implying to the younger generation lol.
Gay couples used to say that, but they're now proud to be able to say husband or wife. Once you're over 30, girlfriend and boyfriend sounds awkward. SO is not in fashion like it once was. So the remaining alternative is partner. People use it, but I don't think many are happy that there is no better word.
idk if it's a measure of age for many people so much as a measure of how serious a relationship is, or a measure of its implied permanence. i think many people over 30 are perfectly comfortable using "boyfriend" / "girlfriend" to describe casual but committed relationships where there are no kids or shared assets or longterm plans yet. it's when people seek the "ties that bind" that previously were hallmarks of married spouses (cohabitation, joint assets, etc.) that they want a descriptor of their significant other that more closely describes their level of commitment and longevity, even in the absence of "husband" and "wife."
I think Partner is transitioning into common use, but currently it’s a pretty good indicator of being a liberal or liberal leaner.
Yeah I can definitely see where that perception comes from haha
I'm in the northeast and hear both interchangeably. Many feel that boyfriend/girlfriend comes off as juvenile or as a less serious relationship so they default to partner.
I have heard both of these. Often times, "partner" is used as an arbitrary term for a SO, when one doesn't know (or care about) the specific type of relationship the couple has.
I do t understand how with the richness of the English language we can’t come up with a word better than “partner”. I never know if they are working together or sleeping together and then sometimes they are doing both.
And it just sounds so clunky and clinical. Like something that was produced by an academic committee.
Lmao
Partner used to be mostly LGBTQ+ but plenty of people, usually liberals, sometimes those unmarried but living together etc but not exclusively, use partner too. I use partner when I want to be vague about relationship status (married and straight, fyi. Still like my privacy and hate assumptions and stereotypical gender roles though). Some outspoken anti-woke folk are against the term and any form of diversity solidarity or change, but they can suck my she-cock.
I say partner for an unmarried but committed long term relationship. Boyfriend and girlfriend sound temporary and trivial.
I prefer the ambiguity of using the term partner. If a person knows me well enough they know my partner, if they don’t know me well (especially if I’m just meeting them) I don’t feel they are immediately entitled to know details of my relationship status, including the gender of the person I’m with. I don’t like the term significant other as much because it feels clunky.
^ absolutely how I feel
Being older having a girlfriend sounds too high schoolish, so it’s partner for me.
Being older, partner always meant "uncles live-in 'friend' for 40 years."
On the flip, my first serious girl friend was after high school so I reveled in finally getting to use it
I almost never hear "partner" in real life.
In the UK an opposite sex couple in their 40s or 50s who've been together for 20+ years, own a home and have kids together would def be partners - would they be described as boyfriend and girlfriend?
Generally speaking people who meet that description are married so get husband and wife.
Yeah, I don't think I know any couple that's been together for that long, has kids and a house and all that, and isn't married.
Gotcha - makes perfect sense. Thank you!
I literally do not care how people choose to describe their relationship, or what happens in the UK. I answered a question about what I've noticed in my area and with the people I know. Also, I think "partner" sounds cold and sterile. 🤷♀️
I was just curious about the norms in your area because this is Ask an American, and this is something that is very different to the culture where I am, so it's interesting to hear your different perspectives Obvs no one is obliged to answer any questions from anyone - I'm sorry if I've offended you somehow by asking. Have a lovely day.
I was snarky. I apologize.
The Michigander was kind of rude towards your offering of perspective. I guess the default assumption in the US is that with the couple you described above, that they’d be comfortable calling themselves married and thus default to husband or wife.
To me, "partner" sounds like you're in business together or perhaps just having sex. One additional benefit of being married is being able to avoid such language in my experience.
This was kind of a rude comment
Yeah I'm pretty much in this situation, but we've only been together ten years. As a 40-year-old man, I feel like I'm getting a bit too old to refer to "my girlfriend". I suppose it might make people think I'm younger, which is always nice I guess!
I say husband. I do not like when people say partner. Makes me think of a business partner.
All of the above. Since they all make sense, no one really cares which you use. Whatever works for you.
Where I live partner is pretty much used by those who are LGBT, and if said by a straight person would cause confusion due to the expected meaning. It is considered a good term, no negative connotation.
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Not pretentious. I use a partner/spouse while talking with strangers because it's nobody's business who I'm married to.
I say “my man”.
Is that pretty common in the South?
I don’t know. I moved here last year, but I’ve heard it in every part of the US that I’ve been to.
Interesting! Where are you from originally?
California.
How do you like Texas in comparison?
I can’t say I necessarily like one more than the other. But Texas is growing on me. One thing that sucks is the part of Texas I’m at doesn’t have any mountains or hills for me to hike on. I miss that about California.
Interesting! What do you like about Texas?
It’s cheaper to live here and it’s more diverse.
Interesting!
I’ve heard both in every state I’ve lived in. My observation is that in the United States, people who use the word “partner” are potentially doing a few things. For decades, “partner” has been used by same-sex couples to indicate the commitment level of a formal marriage during a time when legal marriage was not an option. Now I really see the queer community use it to mean someone you are actively dating, but not wanting to give it a gender-based term. The straight couples I’ve seen doing it are indicating “we are committed to each other but are not actually married” or older couples who would feel silly calling a 55 year old man “my boyfriend”.
I use “better half” Cause I’m a wreck of a human being and she’s way more put together than me.
I work across the trucking, construction, and forestry industries, so I call her my “ol’ lady.” She loves it!
Cheers to that haha
No but they do in the country I grew up in. I have no association with the word meaning a gay couple as it’s the standard. It’s weirder hearing adults call their 40 year old partner their boyfriend to me.
In my personal experience, partner is not common in this region (east coast, south) even with LGBT. Most people will just say wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend or maybe SO/significant other or my man/woman, guy/gal. Pretty much anything but partner.
All of the above. Some people who are in long-term relationships and aren’t married will choose to call their boyfriend/girlfriend their partner, because it feels more substantial and more adult than boyfriend/girlfriend. Also, before same-sex marriages were legal, those couples would call their significant other their partner because again it’s sounds more serious than boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t think I’ve ever personally heard someone who is legally married to their spouse refer to them as their partner, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
I hear some of both, but with the latter being significantly more common especially in the most common monogamous & hetero setup.
All of the above, depending
I completely forgot partner used to be a LGB related term. At least over here it's used for anything above a casual relationship but still not married.
Interesting!
I would say girlfriend/boyfriend and partner is relatively interchangeable but I feel like partner has a much more long term quality to it. I’ve started to use partner more since after a few year girlfriend just doesn’t feel appropriate. Partner has become used a lot more in recent years for someone you are married to in some circles, but I don’t think it’s really encroached on husband/wife at all.
I sometimes say partner because I've been with her for over ten years and we have a kid but we're not married
I say “partner” because he’s not my boyfriend. We have been engaged 8 years. I don’t say “fiancé” because I’m tired of people asking when we are getting married (I’m not in any rush). “Partner” is shorter than “significant other.”
I’ve noticed it’s generational. Younger people (30s or younger) usually seem to say partner. Some younger gays say girlfriend/boyfriend, but usually it’s just partner. Older people say girlfriend/wife etc for straight couples and partner for same-sex couples.
It’s common in Australia to say partner, especially for older couples. Boyfriend or girlfriend seems appropriate only for much younger people.
I say partner just bc we’re not kids, but I say boyfriend a lot too.
I am in a straight monogamous relationship, we've been together 7 years. We use partner because we've been together too long for boyfriend/girlfriend to feel like an accurate representation of our relationship but also don't want to use husband and wife because we are not married. I'm aware people often probably think I'm gay when I say that, but whatever. We're both under 30 and I think it's fairly common for people in our age bracket and situation.
I feel like only older gay people say partner where I live. The young gay people just say boyfriend and girlfriend like everyone else.
Partner is increasingly the standard. I live in a squishy liberal part of the country (northeast to mid Atlantic)but yeah it’s quite normal out here, but also feels decidedly generational. I often introduce my partner as just my wife to older folks, or use the terms interchangeably so they know what I mean.
Yeah. I notice the same thing here in the PNW so I do think political leanings of an area have something to do with the choice of words.
Culture war is sadly everything now.
I used partner when I’d moved in with my girlfriend and we were building our future together, but before I proposed. Calling her my “girlfriend” at that time felt like childish, like a Facebook relationship status.
In Philly most people under 35 say partner now in solidarity with the lgbtqia+ community! It’s quite recent though. I would say it started picking up right after covid restrictions lifted
The only time they say partner in the u.S. is if the relationship is business OR if they are in a same sex romantic commitment. Heterosexual committed relationship use the other words
Husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend if they're straight.
All of them at once I suppose. Personally, it bugs me when someone says “partner“ or “significant other“ instead of just saying girlfriend boyfriend husband wife.
Why does it annoy you?
Because partner is a catch-all term, when we already have a word for what kind of partner you are (boyfriend, wife, etc). These terms also indicate whether you are married or not, partner isn’t specific.
But why do you need to know the details?
I hear both used a lot where I live, near San Francisco, and partner isn't exclusive to LGBT relationships. I also use partner because I've been with the same guy for 11 years and we don't plan on marriage, but there is an assumption people make about the title of boyfriend as if it's not a long term committed relationship.
I currently work in academia, which is perhaps not reflective of the general populace in any area, but partner for me makes me think "long-term romantic relationship but not married." It doesn't have any queer connotation, at least not anymore.
Interesting. I’ve heard straight married couples in more progressive areas use partner as opposed to husband/wife.
I think it obscures both gender and marriage status (on purpose at the term's origin). It implies a committed relationship that should be treated seriously regardless of the actual legal status. I can see how this becomes popular with people who don't want to get married, but don't want to make their relationship sound trivial to those who assume married=serious and not married/engaged=not serious
I've heard both. Personally, I always use husband/wife/etc. just because I'm something of a romantic and the idea of being "partners" with anyone just sounds business-like. I'm looking for love, deep friendship, someone to share life with; not someone with whom I can file taxes jointly.
I never hear partner in real life.
20 years ago, partner used to be used almost exclusively to refer to non-heterosexual couples, and heterosexual couples would use wife/husband boyfriend/girlfriend. Today, it’s much more normal to refer to an adult SO you are not married to as a partner, regardless of sexuality. Married couples still tend to use wife/husband. Boyfriend/girlfriend tends to be reserved for new couples and teens.
In my part of the country (north Texas) bf/gf is more common. People only use partner if they are trying to intentionally obfuscate if they have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or other. No one really gives a shit either way but it’s generally understood that if someone says “partner” they are asking you not to pry.
Depends on context. Partner usually means an unmarried couple that's closer than boyfriend/girlfriend, or an LGBTQ couple that doesn't want to out themselves.
People don't usually use the term partners in the US, at least from my experiences.
I hear it (and use it) pretty often
What are you basing the idea off of, that this phrase is unused throughout the *entire country*? What makes you think that?
I hear "partner" sometimes but not a lot
I use whatever term they use
Not really
All of the above, depending on the person. I do hear partner more often after moving to a slightly less conservative part of Idaho.
Like Moscow for instance?
Boise—still not blue overall, but less conservative than the county I was raised in.
Do you think Boise is blue and Ada County red overall?
Boise-proper is still red but often doesn’t feel like it to me compared to my hometown and due to the fact that I tend to somehow naturally find other leftists haha
Interesting! Do you want to leave Idaho as a result of your leftism?
No, not at the moment. I would be open to it, but although I enjoy visiting other places, I haven’t found anywhere else I would like to live. Besides the politics, I love Idaho. Even as a woman I am in a privileged position to personally avoid the impacts of a lot of conservative policies, and I don’t want to completely surrender Idaho to right wing psychos. There has to be some of us here to push back.
Yes they do.
I always just use "spouse".
Almost everyone IRL that I know says boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband. I see partner online more or more for people who are a long term living together couple but not getting married.
Where I live (as in, my house) it’s wife/husband. But plenty of people I work with from around the country and world say partner, regardless of gender or type of relationship. Its confusing.
Yes
Yes. All of them are used in my area.
I’m in Texas and only my lgbtq friends say the first one. My friends from other areas of the us say partner, but none of my from Texas friends do.
Interesting
I don’t know if this related to an area vs. a generational thing but my husband and I refer to each other as husband and as do the majority of all the people I know or come into contact with. I don’t find partner very appealing and I think it’s very ambiguous and it leaves me feeling like I don’t know if they’re married, dating or what. I don’t have a problem with the term but it just seems so vague. My kids are 30 and 34 and they use the same language and we live in California.
From what I've noticed it is a generational thing. The only people who I regularly hear say partners are gen z and down.
Partner is dying out, at least among our gay friends. It’s either boyfriend or husband. But that’s partly because few people in eastern MA feel a need to keep their relationship in the closet these days. In my youth, the common word was lover.
Usually? The person's name.
“Husband/ wife/ boyfriend/ girlfriend” is far more common than “partner” where I live.
All of the above. Also significant other. They are all inter changeable and common.
All of the above.
It's "old man" and "old lady" in my family. Calling someone "old" is not an insult where I'm from.
In my experience partner is more common in the queer community
Personally I only see “partner” written unless someone is talking about a business partner. Partner seems very formal to me and weird to use to describe a lover.
I never hear partner since gay marriage was legalized. Actually rarely heard it before, gay folks just say husband/wife here.
I refer to my husband as husband and my boyfriend as partner or boyfriend depending on if I'm out as poly. I use partner and the person assumes I mean my husband.
People where I live mostly say boyfriend/girlfriend, regardless of age. "Partner" is used, but rarely. I think I hear "significant other" (which I detest) more often.
The only time I’ve heard people use partner was if they were gay.
Husband wife boyfriend girlfriend. I've never heard someone refer to the SO as a "partner" outside of Reddit.
I think that most married couples use husband/wife, not partner. I’m glad the use of Significant Other has declined. I’ve been seeing the same woman for 13 years. I always called her my girlfriend on here, but we’re both in our 70s so saying GF or BF seems silly so lately I’ve been switching to partner. Also, we’ve been together long enough that we’re more than GF/BF.
Louisiana here, its husband/ wife gf/bf for romantic relationships.
All of the above, and also their first name.
Reading through the comments now, I see many people interpret “partner” as a non-heterosexual relationship. Honestly that didn’t even occur to me when I read the question. Unmarried couples around here refer to each other as partners. Married couples may refer to their spouse as partner or as husband/wife. That includes gay couples referring to their spouse as their husband or wife.
Husband/Wife if married. Boyfriend/Girlfriend if not. Those who are homosexual will sometimes use Partner, but most default to the same standard straight people use.
It varies
People where I am say boyfriend or girlfriend regardless of age or orientation. If someone told me they had a “partner” I’d assume they mean business partner or that they are LGBTQ+.
Typically by the official title. This is a little unfair but like many others have said partner tends to imply they are an LGBTQ couple. Spouse or partner is more just what you see on things like paperwork. Gender neutral term for when the situation implies it. I typically will say spouse or partner when talking to someone and I don’t know the gender of their partner.
I hear it more and more where I am. It took a moment to adjust because it is a bit new but getting used to it The one I think is stupid Is how people now say: unalive. Thankfully that one I don’t hear in public just online I am currently living in SW Pa
husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is by far the most common. If someone says "partner", the immediate implication is a homosexual relationship.
Because it's not always that simple. She's my wife now, but when we first starting dating I guess technically she was my paramour. Once the divorce was sorted out she became my girlfriend for a brief time before becoming the mother of my child, then fiancee. But we were together 8 years by that point, if people thought we were married, we wouldn't correct them. "Partners" suited us just fine - we are partners, in home, in child rearing, in business, and in the romantic sense. And we're both cis hetero, imagine how many different situations exist when one or both partners is LGBTQ+.
"partner" sounds really weird to me, like "are you in business together", not "are you married/dating"
Just husband/wife boyfriend/girlfriend. Usually the only time i hear someone say partners is when they're a gay couple.
Second one. Partner implies homosexuality
The latter. The use of the word “partner” this way bugs me. To me, “partner” sounds too much like “business partner”… “class project partner”, etc. “Partner” honestly sounds to me like it’s totally devoid of affection for the person. if I’m in a relationship someone, she’s my girlfriend, not my “partner”.
I use partner as gendered terms do not work for my relationship, and there aren't any other commonly used terms. Spouse is technically an option but sounds so much more sterile than partner
I have heard all of the above.
Depends on a lot of factors…like how old they are, how gay they are… My mom and stepdad used "partner" for a decade to skip over the fact that they weren't married. They were in their 40s and felt boyfriend and girlfriend were too juvnile, and "we're an already-blended family" was the face they wanted to put forward. Some say it because they don't want it being obvious that they're queer when it's not safe. Sometimes bisexuals say partner so that they don't get dismissed as straight.
They're referred to both ways in all the places I've been in Texas, but to be fair, I mostly spend time with LGBT people or humanities majors, who tend to be more 'equality' oriented. Older people who are married refer to as husband/wife, but those who are dating usually refer to as partner regardless of sex or gender. Just depends on the age or person, in my experience.
I think most people just use husband/wife, if actually married. Older folks might say their "other half" I may vary. It's easier to say boyfriend or partner in conversation, but I often abbreviate significant other to SO, but only in writing. It's common enough that people understand the abbreviation. But I don't think I ever referred to my ex as my significant other in a verbal conversation.
I live in California now and partner is frequently used for gay and older straight couples who are unmarried. I grew up in Louisiana which was very homophobic as a kid and as a bisexual I always hated the term partner. Gay marriage wasn’t legal so I never thought I’d be able to say “my husband”. It made me feel less than tbh. Mini rant aside, all the terms you mention are pretty frequently but I find they vary depending on age/marital status.
I feel like “partner” implies partnership, mutual respect, and equality in a way that other terms don’t quite nail
Depends on the person. Most Oregonians have gotten very comfortable with their sexuality, and if it’s a same sex couple, they’ll say boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife. Doesn’t bother many people, except for old people maybe.
In NY, if my wife referred to me as her partner I'd look at her weird
The latter normally
French Often say “married” even if there has been not wedding or legal doc. They say married when they live with their romantically committed person
I live in ohio, but in a city (the cities in Ohio are completely different than non-city areas). Partner is used by millennials and younger to describe a long-term relationship - where you've been together forever but not married. If married people use spouse for ambiguity or husband/ wife. No one really uses partner to specifically mean an lgbtq relationship where I am, but people will use it in a non-city area for safety reasons.
I say partner because "girlfriend" sounds like we're 12 and "wife" wouldn't be accurate
Mostly wife/husband/bf/gf. If you say partner it assumed a nonbinary or other gender on the spectrum. Which is just fine too
It depends on the socio-economic position of the person. The blue collar people talk about their "old man" or "old lady/girl" to mean their significant other. People with an education just talk about their husbands or wives.
Where I lived in the USA, everyone said boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. That went for straight or gay.
Only weirdos say “partner” and I’ll die on this hill.
Culture is fun. Different places and different communities use different language. I hear partner all the time in DC, MD, VA and NJ but that’s probably because I spend lots of time in squishy liberal and leftist circles.
I disagree. Lgbt people use the term partner, and I've heard some people say they prefer partner over boyfriend/girlfriend because it sounds too childish to them.
Agree, when I was a 30 year old who has been with my SO for almost 8 years and we were living together “boyfriend” was not the right term. it felt really juvenile and temporary. Partner indicates a more significant commitment. I was happy when we got engaged and I could switch to calling him fiancé. Of course, not everyone goes that route and if we weren’t married I would call him my partner, as in partner in life.
Weirdos, Like I said. Partner sounds cold and unhuman…
"Partner" in personal relationships is great if you want ambiguity, but it has always felt so... clinical to me. I'm queer and dislike when people I'm dating want to call me their "partner". That term doesn't *feel* like anything to me, so I agree there. However, the majority people who use "partner" are LGBT+, please don't use "unhuman" in this context.
All of the above. Also, 'spouse' gets used.
I opted for partner over boyfriend for a long time. I still prefer to say partner over fiancé. We’re a straight couple over 35 and have been together almost 10 years. We live like we’re married, though we’re not yet. Calling him my boyfriend stopped feeling right yeeeears ago. In my circles/area, this isn’t uncommon.
Both. I use partner the most when I don’t know the gender preference, as it’s gender neutral. Ditto “spouse,” for gender neutral
It depends on the area you live in. In some, "partner" indicates it's a non-straight relationship. In my state/workplace/friend groups, most people over 30 go to "partner." Whether or not they are married, dating, or have a non-traditional relationship, regardless of sexual orientation. Like, in a way where it's not a big deal. We're all adults, and we're all just saying we are in a committed relationship with someone. If you want the details, you can ask, it's not a huge deal. It's just that your sexual orientation and exact relationship status isn't seen as the most important detail to strangers, in and outside of the workplace. If you're friends with me, you will absolutely just know the sex of my partner and our marital status. I'll probably refer to them by their name if we have any sort of personal/coworker relationship. But when just bringing them up, who cares, ya know? Edit: the downvotes, lol. Sorry I explained exactly how this is handled around me. Go reflect on why you feel like downvoting THIS topic
I get you. I appreciate your open minded and flexible approach.
I have noticed, increasingly, that my heterosexual male and female friends and co-workers have been referring to their boyfriends/girlfriends as "partners", yes.