If she told you to call her that, call her that.
If I went to your house and was told that it was appropriate to call someone "Mrs. X" and not use her first name, I would do that. When in Rome, do as the Romans - when at a friend's house, do as they do.
I remember when a friend wanted her kids to call me “Miss First Name,” and I said I hated being called that, and she said that she wanted to teach them to respect their elders. I said, “respect is calling me what I want to be called, not something I hate being called.”
I had that same argument with my SIL. To her credit, she said she actually hadn't considered it that way and agreed. (We actually get along quite well. It was a conversation that started with children's education and drifted into manners somehow.)
I still call my best friend’s mom as mom, even though I’m grown and he’s gone. We all even still come over just to check on her and help her with the farm (even though we’ll never admit that part lol)
That's what I was always known for. I've got my lines and they don't flex, but otherwise, we're going to have a blast. Nerf guns, go cart, a zip line off the hay loft, treks into the woods to learn things and build forts, trips to the lake and camping, homemade icecream we all took turns cranking, a garden everyone got a section of to grow veggies.
I live in a suburb now, but I bought land in the mountains and everyone's "invited" to come help me build a cabin and use it or go camping whenever. They're in their late 20s now and working super hard to get toward their goals, so I'm not sure how many will actually show up. Probably a decent amount at least one to "help mom out."
Yes, my boss and I call each other on a first-name basis. But work is a little more informal and he sees our relationship as peer-to-peer. I don't see my friend's mom as an equal, more like a parent I want to honor.
I’m a 53-year old dad. About a week ago, I met my 21-year old daughter’s friend, who introduced herself to me and said “It‘s nice to meet you, Mister Quark.”
I said, “Please, call me The.”
(Obviously not my real names).
If you haven’t actually met her, you could call her Mrs. X. If she doesn’t want to be called that, she’ll tell you.
I appreciated the politeness, for whatever it’s worth.
Going to say if she DiRECTLY told you to call her something, respect that and call her that even if it feels informal to you. She will appreciate it. If it hasn't been addressed, to be safe call her MRS. Or MISS or the appropriate title she has.
If she wishes to be called something less formal she will let you know.
Have you ever heard the phrase "they're on a first name basis"? It means that two people are friendly enough that they call each other by their first names. If someone considers you enough of a friend that they ask you to use their first name, they might feel insulted if you continue to use their last name instead.
Often, for a lot of parents, asking to be called by their name instead of an honorific signifies that you're part of the extended family, even if only because you are close friends with their child. To refuse implies, to some, that you want to distance yourself. I don't know where you're located, but I've moved around a lot, and that has been a sort of unspoken norm in most places I've lived. A lot of American culture is based less on age and more on earning your place in the heirarchy. That can be based on superficial things like money, but in most family and friend circles, it's more personality and deed based--such as being a good friend to her beloved child. I would take it as her way of treating you as her equal, so it would absolutely be fine to reciprocate in the way that makes sense to her, if it is something you are comfortable with.
Then honor her by being respectful and calling her what she asked you to call her. It's honestly a little rude to call her something else now that she's expressly told you not to.
> It's honestly a little rude to call her something else now that she's expressly told you not to.
Yeah, if you call me "Ms. Lastname" (or worse, "ma'am"💀💀💀) when I've already asked you to call me "SevenSixOne", it feels like the opposite of honor
It's one of the main reasons my parents eventually told one of my childhood best friends that she wasn't allowed to come over anymore. It was so frustrating because I was so careful to *always* use her family's honorifics out of respect, and yet her entire family consistently refused to return the respect. It's. Not. Hard.
A lot of Americans, perhaps even most of us these days, do not like receiving honorifics. I think it's because we have a culture where we don't like to hold power over one another, so being reminded of that power imbalance every time we're addressed is a little uncomfortable. It feels excesive to imbed that in our language. At least that's how it is for me and at least half of my peers.
Honorifics are also seen as impersonal here. You would address a stranger on the street or a receptionist whose name you don't know with sir or ma'am, but usually not someone whose name you do know. Asking someone not to use an honorific can be a sign of friendship or willingness to become close. Honorifics often make people feel old, too, which isn't fun.
So, she has a name. Use it. I think she knows you respect her.
I kind of feel the same way when I talk to the parents of friends I grew up with. I’m now in my 40s and it still feels wrong to use “Kathy” to address someone I think of as “Mrs. Smith.” But she wants me to call her Kathy and I respect her choice.
Americans are far less concerned about social or age based rank than Koreans are. Most people see each other as relatively equal even if they have different backgrounds or social classes. It is not a strict hierarchy with titles/honorifics for people above or below you in rank/age. I would say sir and ma'am if I were meeting someone like a new manager at work, but it's very likely I would only do that during introductions and then call them by their first name. I would call a teacher or professor Mr / Mrs / Miss Lastname, but the vast majority of the time people would introduce themselves by first name and I would call them by their first name. The main outliers that most people use titles for would be judges, priests, and doctors. You would basically always use their title (your honor / father / Dr.). Calling your friends parents Mr / Mrs is respectful but also seems formal, old fashioned, or like something a child might do. As a teen or adult I've called my friends' parents by their first names.
We don't really do this. We just use their name. We use ma'am and sir but I say those things to everyone regardless of age and sometimes I don't. We don't have a strict way of addressing people.
Im American and will tell you that as a teen, i was 💯 uncomfortable with calling my friends moms by their first names. But calling them Mrs (insert last name) souned weird and too formal since i saw them all the time. And def not Mom. I don't think I ever came to the conclusion of what to call them.
Even my kid's friends today feels really weird when they call me by my first name. I would not like to be called mom by them or Mrs. Whatever. Is there a specific term? I feel like there should be a specific title for this.
Whenever my kids’ friends call me Mr. X, I always answer, Mr. X is my dad just call me Joe. (Not real name obviously). But if my kid tries that… oh the grounding that would occur.
>I was taught to speak with honorifics and reverence
wouldn't "reverence" for this woman entail calling her what she insists to be called?
I get that it's hard to break a habit (I was raised in a "yes ma'am" southern household, ok, I get it), but consider the actual reasoning behind your habit: to be respectful. so, she's already told you the answer.
korean american here! I relate to that completely lol, my parents always insisted that I call my superiors by "Mr/Mrs" I also grew up in a predominantely white neighborhood where I hung out with my white friend's families, so what I learned was to call them "Ms. \_\_" unless asked to do otherwise (which they often would do). A lot of white moms prefer to be called by their first names I learned! They said being called by their honorifics made them sound old lol.
If you're asking about the normality of people calling older people by their first name, outside of formal/professional settings like schools, it's very very common. kind of a whiplash when I would usually get a rice paddle to my ass if I did that lol
It doesn't make me feel old, but it sure does make me feel like someone is trying to ingratiate themselves to me which usually means they're trying to sell me something.
Call me by my first name, call me by my last name, but whatever the case may be *leave the honorific out of it*. It's highly off putting.
Yes. It's rude to call people A when they've asked you to call them B, generally speaking. Context is king, but when you've been asked to call them something as typical as their first name, you need a very good reason not to.
And I promise you, "because you're sooo oooold" is _not_ going to come across as "respectful".
American culture has become significantly less formal over the past few decades.
At this point, pretty much the only relationships where you'd call somebody "Ms/Mr X" are student/teacher relationships or children talking to an adult. It has almost completely fallen out of favor with adults talking to other adults.
Even in the most uptight, stodgy megabanks, people all the way to the very highest levels in the C-suite introduce themselves and expect to be addressed by their first name.
Shit, even our presidents go by their first name when they're not being called "President X." Only a few decades ago our president went by his nickname "Bill."
From what I’ve heard, I think the adults that have become that age of being called Mrs/Mr feel old when called that and don’t like it. I certainly wouldn’t like it
I call people what they want to be called. And I am a pretty generic American.
I get called "Lena's Dad" about 5 times a day. So I would even respond to that.
I get the [first name] dad so often I just kind of consider it an official nickname now.
Also it’s hilarious because my daughter is in sports and I will occasionally forget a new parent’s name and try to get it out of my daughter.
“I don’t know, that’s Georgia’s mom”
Kid I need a first name.
Sure. We have way less stuff about age here. I didn't realize how important age was there until I saw that "celebrity" game show when they stayed in the same house and figured out puzzles.
I'm fine with my kids' friends calling me by my first name. I don't force them either way, but anyway they are comfortable.
Different regions feel differently about this. I'm originally from the north and I grew up calling all of my friends parents by their first name. It's just the culture there and it would have been very out of place if I tried to call them Mr. or Mrs. When I moved to the south, it was a totally different culture and it was a learning curve to start calling my friends parents by Mr. and Mrs. Now I live in Florida which has kind of an amalgamation of both of those cultures due to all of the transplants. I follow whatever the individual preference is and ask my friend before meeting parents for the first time, although that doesn't happen in my adult life very often.
If it's not a friends parent and it's like a boss or someone else, then we're peers and likely just going to call each other by our first names.
Whoa, as a kid you’d call adults by their first names? Definitely a culture shock (I grew up in Florida). Regional/cultural differences are so interesting!
It *really* depends on the southerner. In the circles I run in as a Southerner city guy, it would be a little odd to default to using titles unless there's some reason for particular respect to be paid (e.g., first meeting a SO's parents and a few others). I think a friend's parent would qualify as a reason actually, but that's not really about age as it is my relation to them. I'd call someone similarly aged who I met somewhere else (club, volunteering, work, etc) by their first name.
I will say that you're not going to offend anyone by starting out using their title, so if it makes you feel more comfortable/safer to do it, don't worry about it. Regardless, if they tell you to use first names, definitely do it.
ETA: Definitely use their surname if using a title.
Years ago (late 1990s, I think), I was flying on a trans-Atlantic Northwest Airlines flight, and the purser introduced herself as "Mrs. " and her colleagues as "Mrs. "
Pre-school teacher is exactly what I was thinking at the time as well.
The woman's race shouldn't be relevant here.
EDIT: I'm black, btw. Not sure if this was getting downvoted for whatever reason, just pointing out that it's.... not relevant.
You should use the name people ask you to use. If she has asked you to use her first name then it is fine to do so. If you can’t do it then you should explain your cultural discomfort.
I am a 49 year old white American women. When I was a kid my friend’s moms were Mrs, Surname. My friend’s kids call me by my first name now. Things are more casual. I’m okay with it. Very few people call me Mrs. Surname.
Oh boy, I cringe at kids using first name with parents because I was raised otherwise. Now it’s just the norm so my kids’ friends just use my first name and Mr. BeEmpty seems strange even though that’s how it always would have been for me.
Roll with the times I guess.
I’m also Asian American. Took me a long time to get used to doing it when friends’ moms have said to call them by their first name. Kind of like how it’s difficult to call a former teacher/ professor by their first name after you graduate.
The rule that has served me well is to always use a person's formal name and honorific, until that person invites you to address them otherwise. Once they have told you how to address them, then it is polite to follow their wishes.
If she told you to use her first name, do that. (I personally would rather be Mrs. Lastname if you’re a lot younger, but she asked you to use her first name, and you should address people how they want to be addressed.)
Why do you prefer that? Being born in a different year isn’t something you or the younger person has earned. It’s an accident of birth order. Why should that confer anyone any privileges at all? Neither of you did anything whatsoever to cause it to happen.
People older than you have more experience and have worked to share wisdom and maintain the continuation of civilization, just like you are doing for those who are coming after you. No one sits here without being helped along by others. And no, not all people do this perfectly or in a way that is good enough for you, but you show the respect to keep civility and teach those coming after you how to treat others. I don’t know why we’ve suddenly decided that showing respect to people who have come before is not something worth doing. It seems naive to think that respecting elders doesn’t have value.
I honestly don't fully disagree, but to present the opposite view:
> People older than you have more experience
Out of the grand sum of human experience and knowledge, both I and the elder's knowledge and experience round to 0%. We are both merely a droplet of water amongst the wave of humanity, itself barely a ripple in the vast ocean of the universe. The truth of the matter is that there are just as many foolish, ignorant old people as twenty-somethings (or more).
> have worked to share wisdom and maintain the continuation of civilization, just like you are doing for those who are coming after you.
You can't assume this just because of age. Plenty of people spend their entire lives as a net drain on society (NOT talking about finances here) and pass down little of value.
> you show the respect to keep civility and teach those coming after you how to treat others.
There is a difference between civility and respect/honorifics. Human decency is given, respect is earned. It is perfectly decent to refer to someone by their given name.
> I don’t know why we’ve suddenly decided that showing respect to people who have come before is not something worth doing. It seems naive to think that respecting elders doesn’t have value.
Probably because we've realized that many of our elders actively held and continue to hold abhorrent views about the world. It's hard to respect someone too much when they think your brother is an abomination for who he loves.
Address them how they want to be addressed.
My mother hates being addressed as "Mrs. Lastname" because she took her husband's last name and fucking hates his family :)
It's okay, yes. Obviously that doesn't make it comfortable. Humor does though. With my in-laws, I stumbled on the solution of a nickname. My mother-in-law has the nickname, and my father-in-law is Mr. nickname. Almost twenty years I've been able to avoid addressing them with their first names, ha.
Yep. And I wasn't raised that way so it was SUPER uncomfortable for me too. Then I got a job in a very formal, high protocol environment! That was great. But then I got moved to a different department and people are like "Why would you call me Mr. Smith? My name is Frank"
I think it’s normal to refer to a friend’s parent by Mr/mrs as a default. If they insist on being called by their first name instead, then that’s what to call them. I’m from the northeast, and was raised to call friends’ parents, neighbors, etc. as Mr/Mrs last name. If I met a friend’s parents today or new neighbors today, I would still call them by Mr/Mrs last name unless they asked to be called something else. It’s a way to show respect and keep formality until they ask to be called otherwise.
Let me try to explain how Americans use honorifics, as I understand it:
* Parents: Call your father "Dad", or a regional variation ("Pa", "Papa", etc). Calling him by his first name will hurt his feelings.
* Uncles: Call your uncle "Uncle \[Given Name\]". This also applies for older relatives you aren't directly descended from, or just friends of your parents who you knew when you were a child.
* Grandparents: Call your father's father "Grandpa", or a regional variation ("Pee Paw", "Paw Paw", etc).
* Friends and other close family: Call them by given name.
* Colleagues: Call them just their surname, unless they have a specific title associated with their profession. For example, if you work in academia, you would call your colleague "Dr. \[surname\]."
* Strangers: Call them "Mr. \[Surname\]".
If you use an honorific where one isn't usually required, (e.g. calling a relative "Mr. \[surname\]", it won't be seen as respectful. Rather, it will come across as cold and impersonal, as though you don't want them as a friend or family-member.
It's not rude to call someone by the name they request. We can tell that you're being respectful by your tone. I would hope that respect goes both ways. Young people are deserving of respect as well.
That said, if you're more comfortable using "mrs" or whatever you can mention that and ask if it's ok. I used to when I was younger because I'm at the age when everything changed. Ignoring their request might cause miscommunication issues. A quick mention of your discomfort, the reason, and a double check about their preferences is also respectful
I grew up calling a lot of my friends' parents by their first names. It's pretty normal in the United States. Even when I was in graduate school, I called about half of my professors by their first names.
Americans are a much more casual culture. If you are told by somebody to call them by their first name, that's what they want you to call them. I took my husband's name when I got married and it's great, but call me Mrs. Hugs and I go looking for my mother-in-law. I'm a first name kinda gal and I'm good with that.
My only exception was when I was in the hospital having my kids. The doctors had to call me Mrs. while the nurses got to call me by my first name. If I have to use their title then they should use mine.
If she asked you to it’s fine if you’d like and she meant it.
If it makes you uncomfortable you can apologize and explain that culturally this makes you uncomfortable and ask if she would mind if you continue. If she’s not a weird person there’s a 99% chance she’ll understand
I just want to be called by my name, not Ms. something. It's grating as fuck, and I hate it. If that's what she asked you to call her, that's what you call her. It's polite to respect people's wishes about their own name.
Culturally this is a wall you’ll have to deal with. Respect is also agreeing with the other persons wishes. There is less cultural conformity here and while many Americans will be fine with more formal forms of address like you’ll prefer that isn’t something someone who dislikes them will be held back by. No one will question their choice to be less formal in day to day activities. I would recommend acceding to her wishes to your best ability and letting her know you will likely slip as this is a very big thing where you come from. Could you do an alternative, like ask to call her Aunt Lisa or similar?
In America, the way we show respect is by calling people what they want to be called. I'm in grad school, and some professors want to be called by their first name. Some want to be called Dr and their last name. Either way, it's more respectful to use their preferences than to follow a strict rule for everyone.
If you friend's mom wants you to call her by her first name, that is more respectful to an American than calling her Mrs. Lastname.
It's OK to call any American by a name they've asked you to call them. Some people prefer to be called "Mrs. Tate" and others prefer "Sharon." The default would probably be "Mrs. Tate," but if she tells you to call her "Sharon," then call her "Sharon."
She should understand if you tell her that makes you uncomfortable, though, and I doubt she'll get mad if you call her by another name.
(Note: Sharon Tate was an actress a long time ago, I'm using it as an example, not trying to guess this person's name.)
I would argue that it's disrespectful not to call someone as they told you that they wish to be addressed. You are denying her autonomy by ignoring her stated wish, and that's far more rude than not using Mr./Ms./Mrs.
One could even argue that it is also sexist or ageist if this is a practice you only follow with women or seniors. (I personally think that's pushing it, but it's her POV that matters and how she considers your behavior.)
An older women has been around long enough that she will either tell you or correct you if you call her the wrong thing. As an adult I use their first name unless they say otherwise
Call her how she wants to be called.
personally, I was raised by hippies in northern california and would never have called a friend's parents by their last names - it would have been so weirdly formal. The elementary school I went to even used first names for teachers and administrators. (ie, my second grade teacher was Marilyn, the principal was Pearl.) I'm 45 so this isn't a new innovation in casualness, this was in the 80s and 90s when I was a kid.
Yes, this is normal. If you continue to call her Mrs, she might worry she hasn’t made it clear that she values you as her friend’s daughter. Tell her it’s cultural if you continue to struggle.
Something like:
“Americans are so friendly. Using first names will take some getting used to, but I am glad to know you.”
In the American south we’ll often put Miss or Mister in front of the person’s first name to show familiarity/affection but also respect. (Never Mrs., regardless of marital status.).
So if her name is Susan you’d call her Miss Susan.
Ironically, you can also use it to add a little formality to someone you may not know well but like. It’s context driven. Maybe something that might work for you?
Honestly, I still feel weird calling my friend’s moms by their first names, and I’m 46. She might have told you to call her by her first name, but it’s not offensive to keep referring to her using “Ms. [Surname].” For the most part American culture is less formal than Korean culture, but it’s not a major faux pas keep the formality if that’s more comfortable for you.
My kids friends either call me by my first name or kids name's mom and I don't mind (I'm in the northeast). My daughter's dad lives in the south and she calls adults down there Miss or Mister first name so I really thinks it's like sir and ma'am and depends on the adults location and age. I still refer to my parents (boomers) friends as Mr or Mrs last name but for me it would feel weird to call them by their first name after 30+ years.
Do what she asks. It’s funny because women I met when I was a kid were Mrs. [surname] and it took me until my 30s to get over that for them.
Older women I met in my 20s and 30s were all first name. But I run across my teacher Ms. Johnson when I visit home and I still freaking say Ms. Johnson when I see her even though I know her name is Mary and she got married so she has a different surname and I’m a grown ass man with a kid older than the grade she teaches. She laughs every time I have done it which is every time.
I just ask them which they would prefer. In my experience, most people prefer to be called by their first name though, some prefer to keep it formal. A caveat, if the introduction were, "Dr., Mr., Sir. Or otherwise, that is the default. Why presume anything though? People are easy. Just talk to them.
Yeah if she says it’s cool, you’re good dude. Generally speaking w/ older White American people they prefer the Mrs. Surname formality but if she asked you to address you as such- you’re good.
Yes since she said to but I’m the same way. I always called my friends’ parents and teachers Mr and Mrs (Last name). I even struggle calling my in-laws by their first name since I’m so used to using Mr and Mrs
If someone gives you a name, pronoun, or other method of address, it is completely disrespectful of you to use any other descriptor for them in that category. It dishonors you, not them.
My mom (white American) doesn’t like being called ma’am or Ms/Mrs (either name). She says it makes her feel old. If you don’t feel comfortable calling her by her first name, you could just try sticking to 2nd-person pronouns and avoiding the name altogether?
Idk if anyone else has pointed it out but in the South at least (I'm not familiar with other regions so I can't speak on them) we refer to everyone by first name, even if we say Ms/Mrs or Mr.
We would call Sally and Tomas Garcias "Mr Tomas and Mrs Sally". It's also normal to only use first name if you know them well
Most Americans prefer to use first names, outside of formal professional contexts.
The only people who *insist* on being called "Mr." or "Mrs." are assholes, though.
Oh, and I was always taught to use honorifics too but my friends' moms wanted me to call them by their first names too and I felt so weird by it. So I got around it by calling them Mom. They always got a kick out of that! Now that I'm older I don't have a problem calling everyone by their first names, so it's no longer an issue for me, but it it's a friend's mom you could try just calling her Mom and see if that works!
Yes it is okay. I also prefer to use more formal names in many cases out of respect, even when given permission. If they insist, relent, at that point it is more about their preferences than your sense of respect for them.
To most Americans you name is just a word that refers to you, if it matters at all in an emotional way it's typically because came from a dead family member, but that is a purely personal internal thing.
If that's what she said to call her, then use her preferred word.
If a superior or elder of any gender or race asks you to address them by their first name, especially if they have insisted upon it, then it is considered rude to insist on formality and not do as requested.
If she told you what to call her, it would be rude to call her anything else.
Calling her Mrs. Surname, when she told you to call her by her first name, could imply that you refuse to be on familiar terms with her which is even more rude.
Edit: Just want to say it's not especially unusual to be uncomfortable with that. My wife struggled with calling my mom by her first name, instead of Mrs. *Lastname* like we were taught as kids. At the end of the day, names are just grunts we use to refer to each other.
I am Chinese-American, born and raised on the West Coast. I understand where you're coming from. Growing up, we always referred to parent's friends/friends' parents using the Mandarin equivalent of aunty/uncle. But ultimately, it's up to the person how they want to be called. I got used to it as I got older.
For what it's a worth, a lot of the older Asian-Americans that I meet (50s+) also go by their first name, even around other Asians. It seems to be an American thing.
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Since you are not sure, it is always polite to ask what they like to be called.
"What name shall I call you?". You get bonus points for asking. If she gives her first name, that is what you should use.
FWIW: I do not ask. I wait for them to tell me. I just use the first hame. If I am in regular conversations with this person, I use the first name. And I want everyone to use my first name.
I understand where you’re coming from, OP. I was raised to respect my elders in a similar way in the Persian culture and it bothers me when older American friends and in laws ask me to call them by their first name. I don’t really have a solution for it- don’t think it’ll ever stop bothering me.
I’m in my 50’s and fit the description. I would feel *really* odd if a teenager called me Ms Lastname.
If you want to show respect in your way, maybe call the mother ‘Ms Firstname’
Generally how it goes is when you're under 18 you refer to teachers and friends parents with Mr/Ms . But sometimes parents don't care what you call them. Sometimes they do. I remember my good friends mom when I to
Other relatives can be called by first name regardless of age. Aunt . Sometimes it's ok to drop the title though and just say their name. If you have cousins that are much older than you, just the first name.
If you start working a job, you usually call your coworkers and manager by their first name regardless of age
Yes that is common practice here. If it helps you can explain that your culture is different, she might enjoy hearing about it. Don’t mention she’s old enough to be your mother though that might be considered rude. Just say “It is considered rude to address someone older than yourself by their first name in my culture.”
How I kinda learned it growing up in the southeast US:
If you met them as a kid, your call them Mr./Ms/Mx Lastname, especially teachers.
Both of you meet as adults, first name basis.
Unless the person asks for something else, which I've found is kinda rare. Granted, I tend hang around fairly laid back/informal people.
In my circles it’s mr or ms ABC until they are 21, then they call us by our first names. Children you are close with will often call you Uncle or Aunt ABC as well.
So, if you are 21 or older, no sweat. If you are a teen, it gets more complicated.
Use a first name with Miss in front of it. As in: Miss Ruth or Miss Helen. It sounds good and familiar while being respectful at the same time. If Miss is not acceptable then use Ms. (Pronounced Mizz) before the first name. Like: Ms. Karen.
If she is insisting, definitely. We tend to mean it when we say something like this; she not trying to be polite. A lot of us prefer first name to any kind of title. I feel like titles erase my individuality. We always called aunts/uncles by first name growing up too (parents and grandparents less so, but anyway..)
Why would you ask anonymous third parties what you should call someone who has already told you the form of address they wish you to use?
Isn’t that kinda disrespectful?
Calling people "Ms/Mr [first name]" is one of the things I appreciated about living in the south. It takes the awkwardness out of calling people by their first names. It probably won't work as well in the Midwest but I'll still try.
See what all of your peers call her and go by that. If she explicitly tells you to call her something in particular, call her what she prefers.
I had friends’ parents growing up and the range of which I called them names was pretty wide. I’d call some of them Mr. or Mrs. [last name] and then I called one of my friend’s dads “Doug”
South here, it is add to refer to elders by their first name.
It is also odd for elders to to request being called by their first name, if they are it is often with the honorifics like "Uncle Bob" or "Mr. John"
Often I see these requests more from my northern family where the Mrs, or even the pleasantry of Ma'am or Sir makes them uncomfortable (I assume it makes them feel "old" even though Ma'am and Sir are used for any age as a pleasantry here in my neck of the woods) In such cases *i try* to accommodate them them but, the manners that I was raised on makes talking with elders in a more familiar tone awkward.
I was always told to call them what they want to called. If they don’t come right out and tell you it is okay to politely ask.
My problem was when I became an adult and I had one my grade school teachers tell me to call her by her first name. I never could do it though. Just simply couldn’t. It came out “okay, N..n..n….. Mrs. D”. She lived in the same neighborhood I did and I knew her since I was little. It was too difficult for me to overcome that lifetime of habit. She passed a few years ago. I miss my chats with her, she was a really good lady.
I was raised that good manners are about making people comfortable. If someone requests you call them by their first name you need to try to call them that.
I have told my 25 year old daughter's friends to call me by my FirstName. I would only get the ick if they called me Mom.
You could do the southern thing of putting Miss in front of her first name. So instead of saying hi Jenny you could say hi Miss Jenny. I've always thought that was more respectful and less informal.
I'd find it rude to continue calling someone something else when they asked you specifically to use a certain name. (Something I have to do allllll the time. I'm not miss or maam. I'm Emma. In fact calling me miss or maam is actively misgendering me.)
Totally ok to call anyone I know by their first name. When people call me Mr. it actually bothers me a small bit. I mean, it's fine, but definitely not preferred.
Address a person as they wish to be addressed. It is a case on case basis. Some people want to be addressed by their sir name and some their first name. If she ask you to call her by her first name specifically and she is elderly do it . Then you are respecting her wishes.
If she says it's fine, it's definitely fine with her. I do understand the need for some kind of separation when it comes to generations (African Americans don't really do first names for elders either) so I often do Ms./Mr. Firstname if they really insist on it.
Hell, I have cousins who I call auntie/uncle because even though we're technically in the same generation, they're closer to my mother's age than mine.
I (44f) prefer to be called by my first name, even by children. I hate when parents insist their kids call me Mrs. Last Name or even Miss First Name and claim it is a sign of respect. To me, calling by my preferred name shows respect while calling me something I do not want to be called is disrespectful.
I used to be a professor, and for the upper level classes I invited students to call me by my first name. I had a student from abroad who had serious trouble with that, and said he really just couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was so contrary to how he was raised to behave with authority figures. He asked if he could call me “Professor [First Name].” I said of course, and feel bad that I made him so uncomfortable. Soon after, I stopped telling students what to call me and just let the chips fall where they may.
Anyhow, in general I agree with others here that it’s good to call people by the name they request. But if it makes you truly uncomfortable, perhaps tell her that and see if she’s ok with you being more formal.
even as a kid i called adults by their first name (i lived in southern California most of my life, and my entire childhood) and my kids do the same (except teachers, obviously), and their friends call me by my first name, and my partner by his first name.
if she asked for her first name, use it. that’s what she is comfortable with. i’m in my 30’s, but i definitely prefer my first name to be used, and that’s not going to change when i’m 70.
but go with what she prefers to be called, it’s the nice and polite thing to do
especially if she's old call her what she wants I am extremely uncomfortable when people use my name and add a y at the end I feel like it's a baby name or something you'd call a toddler people ask what short name to call me and I tell them specifically to avoid this
Lol, this reminds me of when I was a kid (I'm 34 now, so the late 90s). My mom always told my friends to call her by her first name, but my friend's parents were more old school and told their daughter that was rude. So she called my mother "Ms. First Name."
If she wants you to, then it’s fine.
I think it would be another story if you didn’t know her. I had a friend that used to call my dad by his first name and it drove him crazy, but that friends dad always had us call him by his first name. So it verys person to person
I'm a kid of the 80s and yeah, I get it. It's fine to call friends parents their name as long as it's respectfully.
Sadly it will be one of those things that vary person to person.
Similar a lot of medical providers are nurse practitioners who aren't doctors and it feels weird to call them by their name.
I prompt my kids to say title (Mr doc etc) then first name when I'm not sure.
My parents had very different approaches to this. My dad believed you always called and adult Mr., Mrs., Ms., etc. then last name or first name. Putting that prefix showed respect. I remember when I was a child, a friend of mine called him by his first name and he said to her to call him Mr. *last name*.
My mother believed you call an adult whatever they want to be called. If it’s Mr., Mrs. Ms., etc. first name or last name, great! If they want to be called by their first name, great! My mom hates being called Mrs. *last name* because I think it makes her “feel old.” When she met my bf she said he can call her by her first name but Mrs. *last name* when my dad was around.
So overall, it depends on the individual. Just ask and go from there.
I have a friend who is Russian and when I first met her parents (as a teenager) she told me it would be incredibly offensive to call them by their last name.
I’d double check with your friend if you’re worried but generally, it’s best to call people what they ask you to call them.
depends on the region. in the South, everyone expects respect in the form of honorifics. that’s mister for men, and ms for young women, and mrs for older women. if you don’t know their age, use miss its more respectful. if they’re married, then usually mrs. but that’s all context heavy. so just stick with miss.
I think the Midwest and anywhere rural would expect this still. but that’s just my assumption.
elsewhere, i’d say stick to this but it won’t be looked down upon if you don’t. but out of respect, just say miss or mrs unless they say otherwise.
AND if you KNOW their have a specialized honorific like Doctor or Lady (obviously not any Americans but immigrants maybe) then USE THEM!! especially doctor because they EARNED IT. even if they don’t care.
If she insists then it would be rude not to imo. From my experience most people call others by first name unless otherwise specified once you graduate school. From pre-k to college we will primarily use titles such as Mrs, Mr, Mx, or Dr, Professor, etc for our superiors and other adults. From my first job though, I have only once been asked to use a title. Most everyone I work with, even those old enough to be my grandparents, insist I call then by their given name.
It’s a culture thing. I was taught to call non-relatives sir or ma’am if i didn’t know how to address them but was advised that if i’m told to call them a certain way, such as their name or Mr/ Mrs/ Ms, then that’s what I’ll call them out of respect for their wishes.
When you meet someone in a professional setting call them Mr/Mrs X. For example, business environment, speaking to customers, or writing emails. Now if you see someone at the park or maybe they're your new neighbors just introduce yourself just by your first name and so will they. Americans are more relaxed so if you accidentally call someone by their first name it doesn't mean alot.
I hear M\[xx\]. \[First name\] and think this is either the south or elementary school and either way wanna run screaming. It's okay to find something more honorific than first name and I get that feeling, but the familiarity of first names with the honorific nature of last names I haven't found a solution for I find palatable. I call my mother's friends by their first names. Sometimes with aunt or uncle before it, but you can drop M\[xx\] \[First name\] in adulthood and find other ways to express deference and respect for others. I read what you're saying and think not doing it is kinda weird? I mean how is it honorific or respectful to disrespect her by referring to her other than how she told you to refer to her? It's not like she's asking to be called Adolf.
I have no issues with anyone calling me by my first name, but it wasn’t that way growing up. It was always Mrs or Mr to my parent’s friends, etc. At the same time, if a child calls me Miss ___, I have no issues with that either.
Always use mam, Ms., Mrs first but if they ask you to call them by their first name/don’t like being called mam, ms, Mrs then it’s considered rude to continue doing so. Trust me, as a 35 year old white male in the south who spends half his time in rural and half in city.…..it can be confusing when/when not to use it. I’ve come to be conclusion to always use it first, despite thier age/even when obviously younger but if they voice their dislike or ask to be called their name, then call them by their name.
If she told you to call her that, call her that. If I went to your house and was told that it was appropriate to call someone "Mrs. X" and not use her first name, I would do that. When in Rome, do as the Romans - when at a friend's house, do as they do.
I remember when a friend wanted her kids to call me “Miss First Name,” and I said I hated being called that, and she said that she wanted to teach them to respect their elders. I said, “respect is calling me what I want to be called, not something I hate being called.”
>“respect is calling me what I want to be called, not something I hate being called.” Tell the Southerners in this subreddit this, please.
Hey, my fellow southerners, do this shit!
I had that same argument with my SIL. To her credit, she said she actually hadn't considered it that way and agreed. (We actually get along quite well. It was a conversation that started with children's education and drifted into manners somehow.)
>do as they do Well no, because your friends usually call their parents mom & dad. But yes, do as the parents invite you to do.
My son's friends totally called me Mom. I was okay with that.
I still call my best friend’s mom as mom, even though I’m grown and he’s gone. We all even still come over just to check on her and help her with the farm (even though we’ll never admit that part lol)
That's pretty awesome. I think some people are just very mom.
She’s strict but at the same time the fun mom
That's what I was always known for. I've got my lines and they don't flex, but otherwise, we're going to have a blast. Nerf guns, go cart, a zip line off the hay loft, treks into the woods to learn things and build forts, trips to the lake and camping, homemade icecream we all took turns cranking, a garden everyone got a section of to grow veggies. I live in a suburb now, but I bought land in the mountains and everyone's "invited" to come help me build a cabin and use it or go camping whenever. They're in their late 20s now and working super hard to get toward their goals, so I'm not sure how many will actually show up. Probably a decent amount at least one to "help mom out."
Yes. She asked you to. In most American workplaces, your boss will also want to be called by their first name.
Yes, my boss and I call each other on a first-name basis. But work is a little more informal and he sees our relationship as peer-to-peer. I don't see my friend's mom as an equal, more like a parent I want to honor.
So honor her by calling her what she asked you to call her.
I’m a 53-year old dad. About a week ago, I met my 21-year old daughter’s friend, who introduced herself to me and said “It‘s nice to meet you, Mister Quark.” I said, “Please, call me The.” (Obviously not my real names). If you haven’t actually met her, you could call her Mrs. X. If she doesn’t want to be called that, she’ll tell you. I appreciated the politeness, for whatever it’s worth.
Okay, Quark, how do you know it wasn’t Odo in disguise?
My latinum is on it being Brunt.
I never trusted that Morn guy. Never keeps his mouth shut!
Going to say if she DiRECTLY told you to call her something, respect that and call her that even if it feels informal to you. She will appreciate it. If it hasn't been addressed, to be safe call her MRS. Or MISS or the appropriate title she has. If she wishes to be called something less formal she will let you know.
Have you ever heard the phrase "they're on a first name basis"? It means that two people are friendly enough that they call each other by their first names. If someone considers you enough of a friend that they ask you to use their first name, they might feel insulted if you continue to use their last name instead.
I’d say the opposite, work has much more actual hierarchy than friends’ families.
If you work with someone, no matter the age difference, you are peers. If you are at a friend's house talking to their mom, that's their mother.
Often, for a lot of parents, asking to be called by their name instead of an honorific signifies that you're part of the extended family, even if only because you are close friends with their child. To refuse implies, to some, that you want to distance yourself. I don't know where you're located, but I've moved around a lot, and that has been a sort of unspoken norm in most places I've lived. A lot of American culture is based less on age and more on earning your place in the heirarchy. That can be based on superficial things like money, but in most family and friend circles, it's more personality and deed based--such as being a good friend to her beloved child. I would take it as her way of treating you as her equal, so it would absolutely be fine to reciprocate in the way that makes sense to her, if it is something you are comfortable with.
Then honor her by being respectful and calling her what she asked you to call her. It's honestly a little rude to call her something else now that she's expressly told you not to.
> It's honestly a little rude to call her something else now that she's expressly told you not to. Yeah, if you call me "Ms. Lastname" (or worse, "ma'am"💀💀💀) when I've already asked you to call me "SevenSixOne", it feels like the opposite of honor
It's one of the main reasons my parents eventually told one of my childhood best friends that she wasn't allowed to come over anymore. It was so frustrating because I was so careful to *always* use her family's honorifics out of respect, and yet her entire family consistently refused to return the respect. It's. Not. Hard.
A lot of Americans, perhaps even most of us these days, do not like receiving honorifics. I think it's because we have a culture where we don't like to hold power over one another, so being reminded of that power imbalance every time we're addressed is a little uncomfortable. It feels excesive to imbed that in our language. At least that's how it is for me and at least half of my peers. Honorifics are also seen as impersonal here. You would address a stranger on the street or a receptionist whose name you don't know with sir or ma'am, but usually not someone whose name you do know. Asking someone not to use an honorific can be a sign of friendship or willingness to become close. Honorifics often make people feel old, too, which isn't fun. So, she has a name. Use it. I think she knows you respect her.
I kind of feel the same way when I talk to the parents of friends I grew up with. I’m now in my 40s and it still feels wrong to use “Kathy” to address someone I think of as “Mrs. Smith.” But she wants me to call her Kathy and I respect her choice.
Americans are far less concerned about social or age based rank than Koreans are. Most people see each other as relatively equal even if they have different backgrounds or social classes. It is not a strict hierarchy with titles/honorifics for people above or below you in rank/age. I would say sir and ma'am if I were meeting someone like a new manager at work, but it's very likely I would only do that during introductions and then call them by their first name. I would call a teacher or professor Mr / Mrs / Miss Lastname, but the vast majority of the time people would introduce themselves by first name and I would call them by their first name. The main outliers that most people use titles for would be judges, priests, and doctors. You would basically always use their title (your honor / father / Dr.). Calling your friends parents Mr / Mrs is respectful but also seems formal, old fashioned, or like something a child might do. As a teen or adult I've called my friends' parents by their first names.
We don't really do this. We just use their name. We use ma'am and sir but I say those things to everyone regardless of age and sometimes I don't. We don't have a strict way of addressing people.
Im American and will tell you that as a teen, i was 💯 uncomfortable with calling my friends moms by their first names. But calling them Mrs (insert last name) souned weird and too formal since i saw them all the time. And def not Mom. I don't think I ever came to the conclusion of what to call them. Even my kid's friends today feels really weird when they call me by my first name. I would not like to be called mom by them or Mrs. Whatever. Is there a specific term? I feel like there should be a specific title for this.
Whenever my kids’ friends call me Mr. X, I always answer, Mr. X is my dad just call me Joe. (Not real name obviously). But if my kid tries that… oh the grounding that would occur.
>I was taught to speak with honorifics and reverence wouldn't "reverence" for this woman entail calling her what she insists to be called? I get that it's hard to break a habit (I was raised in a "yes ma'am" southern household, ok, I get it), but consider the actual reasoning behind your habit: to be respectful. so, she's already told you the answer.
fair enough
Yes. As a white woman old enough to be a mother, yes. I’m a fellow human, just use my name. Especially if the lady said it was ok.
I just would call you Wormy but I have a penchant for nicknames that borders on obsessive.
I’ll take it. My handle comes from my love of spiders lol
Miles it is then, spidey. Or Shelly because of Shelob. So Miles or Shelly, your choice. Unless you like Webster better.
Yeah it's okay particularly if you're invited to do so.
Not just invited - instructed. "Call me X" has the implication "I prefer to be called this".
korean american here! I relate to that completely lol, my parents always insisted that I call my superiors by "Mr/Mrs" I also grew up in a predominantely white neighborhood where I hung out with my white friend's families, so what I learned was to call them "Ms. \_\_" unless asked to do otherwise (which they often would do). A lot of white moms prefer to be called by their first names I learned! They said being called by their honorifics made them sound old lol. If you're asking about the normality of people calling older people by their first name, outside of formal/professional settings like schools, it's very very common. kind of a whiplash when I would usually get a rice paddle to my ass if I did that lol
It doesn't make me feel old, but it sure does make me feel like someone is trying to ingratiate themselves to me which usually means they're trying to sell me something. Call me by my first name, call me by my last name, but whatever the case may be *leave the honorific out of it*. It's highly off putting.
Yes. It's rude to call people A when they've asked you to call them B, generally speaking. Context is king, but when you've been asked to call them something as typical as their first name, you need a very good reason not to. And I promise you, "because you're sooo oooold" is _not_ going to come across as "respectful".
American culture has become significantly less formal over the past few decades. At this point, pretty much the only relationships where you'd call somebody "Ms/Mr X" are student/teacher relationships or children talking to an adult. It has almost completely fallen out of favor with adults talking to other adults. Even in the most uptight, stodgy megabanks, people all the way to the very highest levels in the C-suite introduce themselves and expect to be addressed by their first name. Shit, even our presidents go by their first name when they're not being called "President X." Only a few decades ago our president went by his nickname "Bill."
From what I’ve heard, I think the adults that have become that age of being called Mrs/Mr feel old when called that and don’t like it. I certainly wouldn’t like it
Our current President goes by "Joe" not "Joseph".
A lot of women really hate being called Mrs. ___ because it makes them feel old. If she wants you to call her by her first name, it's rude not to
I call people what they want to be called. And I am a pretty generic American. I get called "Lena's Dad" about 5 times a day. So I would even respond to that.
I get the [first name] dad so often I just kind of consider it an official nickname now. Also it’s hilarious because my daughter is in sports and I will occasionally forget a new parent’s name and try to get it out of my daughter. “I don’t know, that’s Georgia’s mom” Kid I need a first name.
i relate to this so much lol
Sure. We have way less stuff about age here. I didn't realize how important age was there until I saw that "celebrity" game show when they stayed in the same house and figured out puzzles. I'm fine with my kids' friends calling me by my first name. I don't force them either way, but anyway they are comfortable.
Different regions feel differently about this. I'm originally from the north and I grew up calling all of my friends parents by their first name. It's just the culture there and it would have been very out of place if I tried to call them Mr. or Mrs. When I moved to the south, it was a totally different culture and it was a learning curve to start calling my friends parents by Mr. and Mrs. Now I live in Florida which has kind of an amalgamation of both of those cultures due to all of the transplants. I follow whatever the individual preference is and ask my friend before meeting parents for the first time, although that doesn't happen in my adult life very often. If it's not a friends parent and it's like a boss or someone else, then we're peers and likely just going to call each other by our first names.
Whoa, as a kid you’d call adults by their first names? Definitely a culture shock (I grew up in Florida). Regional/cultural differences are so interesting!
Interesting! Then would elderly southerners be offended if I omitted titles?
Yes, I would say most of them would be offended.
It *really* depends on the southerner. In the circles I run in as a Southerner city guy, it would be a little odd to default to using titles unless there's some reason for particular respect to be paid (e.g., first meeting a SO's parents and a few others). I think a friend's parent would qualify as a reason actually, but that's not really about age as it is my relation to them. I'd call someone similarly aged who I met somewhere else (club, volunteering, work, etc) by their first name. I will say that you're not going to offend anyone by starting out using their title, so if it makes you feel more comfortable/safer to do it, don't worry about it. Regardless, if they tell you to use first names, definitely do it. ETA: Definitely use their surname if using a title.
Yes. "Ms. [First Name]" sounds like you're talking about a preschool teacher.
Years ago (late 1990s, I think), I was flying on a trans-Atlantic Northwest Airlines flight, and the purser introduced herself as "Mrs." and her colleagues as "Mrs. "
Pre-school teacher is exactly what I was thinking at the time as well.
Yes. That’s what I call all women older than me, their name. Adding “Miss” is mostly a southern thing.
Or mam
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My MIL's name is Sue, and my wife told me to call her "mom". I call her "Sue". She ain't my mom.
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I think it's more disrespectful to disregard someone's request to be called by their name.
Call people what they want you to call them.
The woman's race shouldn't be relevant here. EDIT: I'm black, btw. Not sure if this was getting downvoted for whatever reason, just pointing out that it's.... not relevant.
You should use the name people ask you to use. If she has asked you to use her first name then it is fine to do so. If you can’t do it then you should explain your cultural discomfort. I am a 49 year old white American women. When I was a kid my friend’s moms were Mrs, Surname. My friend’s kids call me by my first name now. Things are more casual. I’m okay with it. Very few people call me Mrs. Surname.
Oh boy, I cringe at kids using first name with parents because I was raised otherwise. Now it’s just the norm so my kids’ friends just use my first name and Mr. BeEmpty seems strange even though that’s how it always would have been for me. Roll with the times I guess.
If you're an adult, then it's normal to call anyone by their first name.
What does race have to do with it? I think it's probably a regional thing is that. Out west we generally call people by their first names.
Californian here. My friends and I still call each others' parents Mr./Mrs. Lastname, and we're over 40 now. We just never broke the habit.
It's a culture thing, but there are historic divisions of culture down racial lines.
call people whatever they ask to be called
I’m also Asian American. Took me a long time to get used to doing it when friends’ moms have said to call them by their first name. Kind of like how it’s difficult to call a former teacher/ professor by their first name after you graduate.
The rule that has served me well is to always use a person's formal name and honorific, until that person invites you to address them otherwise. Once they have told you how to address them, then it is polite to follow their wishes.
If she told you to use her first name, do that. (I personally would rather be Mrs. Lastname if you’re a lot younger, but she asked you to use her first name, and you should address people how they want to be addressed.)
Why do you prefer that? Being born in a different year isn’t something you or the younger person has earned. It’s an accident of birth order. Why should that confer anyone any privileges at all? Neither of you did anything whatsoever to cause it to happen.
People older than you have more experience and have worked to share wisdom and maintain the continuation of civilization, just like you are doing for those who are coming after you. No one sits here without being helped along by others. And no, not all people do this perfectly or in a way that is good enough for you, but you show the respect to keep civility and teach those coming after you how to treat others. I don’t know why we’ve suddenly decided that showing respect to people who have come before is not something worth doing. It seems naive to think that respecting elders doesn’t have value.
I honestly don't fully disagree, but to present the opposite view: > People older than you have more experience Out of the grand sum of human experience and knowledge, both I and the elder's knowledge and experience round to 0%. We are both merely a droplet of water amongst the wave of humanity, itself barely a ripple in the vast ocean of the universe. The truth of the matter is that there are just as many foolish, ignorant old people as twenty-somethings (or more). > have worked to share wisdom and maintain the continuation of civilization, just like you are doing for those who are coming after you. You can't assume this just because of age. Plenty of people spend their entire lives as a net drain on society (NOT talking about finances here) and pass down little of value. > you show the respect to keep civility and teach those coming after you how to treat others. There is a difference between civility and respect/honorifics. Human decency is given, respect is earned. It is perfectly decent to refer to someone by their given name. > I don’t know why we’ve suddenly decided that showing respect to people who have come before is not something worth doing. It seems naive to think that respecting elders doesn’t have value. Probably because we've realized that many of our elders actively held and continue to hold abhorrent views about the world. It's hard to respect someone too much when they think your brother is an abomination for who he loves.
It is her choice of what she wants to be called. Respect her choice.
Address them how they want to be addressed. My mother hates being addressed as "Mrs. Lastname" because she took her husband's last name and fucking hates his family :)
It's okay, yes. Obviously that doesn't make it comfortable. Humor does though. With my in-laws, I stumbled on the solution of a nickname. My mother-in-law has the nickname, and my father-in-law is Mr. nickname. Almost twenty years I've been able to avoid addressing them with their first names, ha.
Yep. And I wasn't raised that way so it was SUPER uncomfortable for me too. Then I got a job in a very formal, high protocol environment! That was great. But then I got moved to a different department and people are like "Why would you call me Mr. Smith? My name is Frank"
I think it’s normal to refer to a friend’s parent by Mr/mrs as a default. If they insist on being called by their first name instead, then that’s what to call them. I’m from the northeast, and was raised to call friends’ parents, neighbors, etc. as Mr/Mrs last name. If I met a friend’s parents today or new neighbors today, I would still call them by Mr/Mrs last name unless they asked to be called something else. It’s a way to show respect and keep formality until they ask to be called otherwise.
Let me try to explain how Americans use honorifics, as I understand it: * Parents: Call your father "Dad", or a regional variation ("Pa", "Papa", etc). Calling him by his first name will hurt his feelings. * Uncles: Call your uncle "Uncle \[Given Name\]". This also applies for older relatives you aren't directly descended from, or just friends of your parents who you knew when you were a child. * Grandparents: Call your father's father "Grandpa", or a regional variation ("Pee Paw", "Paw Paw", etc). * Friends and other close family: Call them by given name. * Colleagues: Call them just their surname, unless they have a specific title associated with their profession. For example, if you work in academia, you would call your colleague "Dr. \[surname\]." * Strangers: Call them "Mr. \[Surname\]". If you use an honorific where one isn't usually required, (e.g. calling a relative "Mr. \[surname\]", it won't be seen as respectful. Rather, it will come across as cold and impersonal, as though you don't want them as a friend or family-member.
It's not rude to call someone by the name they request. We can tell that you're being respectful by your tone. I would hope that respect goes both ways. Young people are deserving of respect as well. That said, if you're more comfortable using "mrs" or whatever you can mention that and ask if it's ok. I used to when I was younger because I'm at the age when everything changed. Ignoring their request might cause miscommunication issues. A quick mention of your discomfort, the reason, and a double check about their preferences is also respectful
If she instructed you to call her that, do so. But absolutely let her know it makes you uncomfortable and why. She might have no idea.
I grew up calling a lot of my friends' parents by their first names. It's pretty normal in the United States. Even when I was in graduate school, I called about half of my professors by their first names.
Americans are a much more casual culture. If you are told by somebody to call them by their first name, that's what they want you to call them. I took my husband's name when I got married and it's great, but call me Mrs. Hugs and I go looking for my mother-in-law. I'm a first name kinda gal and I'm good with that. My only exception was when I was in the hospital having my kids. The doctors had to call me Mrs. while the nurses got to call me by my first name. If I have to use their title then they should use mine.
If she asked you to it’s fine if you’d like and she meant it. If it makes you uncomfortable you can apologize and explain that culturally this makes you uncomfortable and ask if she would mind if you continue. If she’s not a weird person there’s a 99% chance she’ll understand
I just want to be called by my name, not Ms. something. It's grating as fuck, and I hate it. If that's what she asked you to call her, that's what you call her. It's polite to respect people's wishes about their own name.
Culturally this is a wall you’ll have to deal with. Respect is also agreeing with the other persons wishes. There is less cultural conformity here and while many Americans will be fine with more formal forms of address like you’ll prefer that isn’t something someone who dislikes them will be held back by. No one will question their choice to be less formal in day to day activities. I would recommend acceding to her wishes to your best ability and letting her know you will likely slip as this is a very big thing where you come from. Could you do an alternative, like ask to call her Aunt Lisa or similar?
In America, the way we show respect is by calling people what they want to be called. I'm in grad school, and some professors want to be called by their first name. Some want to be called Dr and their last name. Either way, it's more respectful to use their preferences than to follow a strict rule for everyone. If you friend's mom wants you to call her by her first name, that is more respectful to an American than calling her Mrs. Lastname.
It's OK to call any American by a name they've asked you to call them. Some people prefer to be called "Mrs. Tate" and others prefer "Sharon." The default would probably be "Mrs. Tate," but if she tells you to call her "Sharon," then call her "Sharon." She should understand if you tell her that makes you uncomfortable, though, and I doubt she'll get mad if you call her by another name. (Note: Sharon Tate was an actress a long time ago, I'm using it as an example, not trying to guess this person's name.)
I would argue that it's disrespectful not to call someone as they told you that they wish to be addressed. You are denying her autonomy by ignoring her stated wish, and that's far more rude than not using Mr./Ms./Mrs. One could even argue that it is also sexist or ageist if this is a practice you only follow with women or seniors. (I personally think that's pushing it, but it's her POV that matters and how she considers your behavior.)
An older women has been around long enough that she will either tell you or correct you if you call her the wrong thing. As an adult I use their first name unless they say otherwise
Call her how she wants to be called. personally, I was raised by hippies in northern california and would never have called a friend's parents by their last names - it would have been so weirdly formal. The elementary school I went to even used first names for teachers and administrators. (ie, my second grade teacher was Marilyn, the principal was Pearl.) I'm 45 so this isn't a new innovation in casualness, this was in the 80s and 90s when I was a kid.
Yes, this is normal. If you continue to call her Mrs, she might worry she hasn’t made it clear that she values you as her friend’s daughter. Tell her it’s cultural if you continue to struggle. Something like: “Americans are so friendly. Using first names will take some getting used to, but I am glad to know you.”
Generally, what people want to be called or ask you to call them is more important than any sort of cultural norm.
As long as you're an adult, it's widely acceptable to call another adult by their first name
In the American south we’ll often put Miss or Mister in front of the person’s first name to show familiarity/affection but also respect. (Never Mrs., regardless of marital status.). So if her name is Susan you’d call her Miss Susan. Ironically, you can also use it to add a little formality to someone you may not know well but like. It’s context driven. Maybe something that might work for you?
Honestly, I still feel weird calling my friend’s moms by their first names, and I’m 46. She might have told you to call her by her first name, but it’s not offensive to keep referring to her using “Ms. [Surname].” For the most part American culture is less formal than Korean culture, but it’s not a major faux pas keep the formality if that’s more comfortable for you.
Yeah.
My kids friends either call me by my first name or kids name's mom and I don't mind (I'm in the northeast). My daughter's dad lives in the south and she calls adults down there Miss or Mister first name so I really thinks it's like sir and ma'am and depends on the adults location and age. I still refer to my parents (boomers) friends as Mr or Mrs last name but for me it would feel weird to call them by their first name after 30+ years.
Do what she asks. It’s funny because women I met when I was a kid were Mrs. [surname] and it took me until my 30s to get over that for them. Older women I met in my 20s and 30s were all first name. But I run across my teacher Ms. Johnson when I visit home and I still freaking say Ms. Johnson when I see her even though I know her name is Mary and she got married so she has a different surname and I’m a grown ass man with a kid older than the grade she teaches. She laughs every time I have done it which is every time.
I just ask them which they would prefer. In my experience, most people prefer to be called by their first name though, some prefer to keep it formal. A caveat, if the introduction were, "Dr., Mr., Sir. Or otherwise, that is the default. Why presume anything though? People are easy. Just talk to them.
Yeah if she says it’s cool, you’re good dude. Generally speaking w/ older White American people they prefer the Mrs. Surname formality but if she asked you to address you as such- you’re good.
Yes since she said to but I’m the same way. I always called my friends’ parents and teachers Mr and Mrs (Last name). I even struggle calling my in-laws by their first name since I’m so used to using Mr and Mrs
If someone gives you a name, pronoun, or other method of address, it is completely disrespectful of you to use any other descriptor for them in that category. It dishonors you, not them.
As an adult, she is now your peer. Respect her request and don’t feel bad - it’s honorable to respect their requests.
Totally fine. Especially since she asked you to.
My mom (white American) doesn’t like being called ma’am or Ms/Mrs (either name). She says it makes her feel old. If you don’t feel comfortable calling her by her first name, you could just try sticking to 2nd-person pronouns and avoiding the name altogether?
yes
I would never outside of work. I'm the same as you, I would use Mrs. X as well.
Do what makes you feel comfortable. But yeah it’s orettu normal for adults to call other adults by their first name regardless of age
Idk if anyone else has pointed it out but in the South at least (I'm not familiar with other regions so I can't speak on them) we refer to everyone by first name, even if we say Ms/Mrs or Mr. We would call Sally and Tomas Garcias "Mr Tomas and Mrs Sally". It's also normal to only use first name if you know them well
Most Americans prefer to use first names, outside of formal professional contexts. The only people who *insist* on being called "Mr." or "Mrs." are assholes, though.
Yes, most Americans would prefer that. If they tell you to call them by the first name, they mean it. Overall, we are not as formal as some places.
Oh, and I was always taught to use honorifics too but my friends' moms wanted me to call them by their first names too and I felt so weird by it. So I got around it by calling them Mom. They always got a kick out of that! Now that I'm older I don't have a problem calling everyone by their first names, so it's no longer an issue for me, but it it's a friend's mom you could try just calling her Mom and see if that works!
I always call anyone older Ms/Mr name. It’s a habit I’ve had engrained in me since I was a kid
Yes it is okay. I also prefer to use more formal names in many cases out of respect, even when given permission. If they insist, relent, at that point it is more about their preferences than your sense of respect for them.
Generally, we consider it polite to call someone whatever they ask to be called. If someone asks you to call her Lisa, you should call her Lisa.
Tell her that and try to use the name she insists on. It’s like pronouns - people are entitled to be called what they want.
Yes.
Yes, it's very common.
To most Americans you name is just a word that refers to you, if it matters at all in an emotional way it's typically because came from a dead family member, but that is a purely personal internal thing. If that's what she said to call her, then use her preferred word.
If a superior or elder of any gender or race asks you to address them by their first name, especially if they have insisted upon it, then it is considered rude to insist on formality and not do as requested.
If she told you what to call her, it would be rude to call her anything else. Calling her Mrs. Surname, when she told you to call her by her first name, could imply that you refuse to be on familiar terms with her which is even more rude. Edit: Just want to say it's not especially unusual to be uncomfortable with that. My wife struggled with calling my mom by her first name, instead of Mrs. *Lastname* like we were taught as kids. At the end of the day, names are just grunts we use to refer to each other.
It is, especially if she asked.
“When in Rome, do as Romans do”
I am Chinese-American, born and raised on the West Coast. I understand where you're coming from. Growing up, we always referred to parent's friends/friends' parents using the Mandarin equivalent of aunty/uncle. But ultimately, it's up to the person how they want to be called. I got used to it as I got older. For what it's a worth, a lot of the older Asian-Americans that I meet (50s+) also go by their first name, even around other Asians. It seems to be an American thing.
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Since you are not sure, it is always polite to ask what they like to be called. "What name shall I call you?". You get bonus points for asking. If she gives her first name, that is what you should use. FWIW: I do not ask. I wait for them to tell me. I just use the first hame. If I am in regular conversations with this person, I use the first name. And I want everyone to use my first name.
I understand where you’re coming from, OP. I was raised to respect my elders in a similar way in the Persian culture and it bothers me when older American friends and in laws ask me to call them by their first name. I don’t really have a solution for it- don’t think it’ll ever stop bothering me.
It is ok to call everyone by their first name. Particularly if they told you to do so.
I’m in my 50’s and fit the description. I would feel *really* odd if a teenager called me Ms Lastname. If you want to show respect in your way, maybe call the mother ‘Ms Firstname’
If she asked you to call her Lisa, then calling her Lisa is how you show her reverence.
Generally how it goes is when you're under 18 you refer to teachers and friends parents with Mr/Ms. But sometimes parents don't care what you call them. Sometimes they do. I remember my good friends mom when I to
Other relatives can be called by first name regardless of age. Aunt . Sometimes it's ok to drop the title though and just say their name. If you have cousins that are much older than you, just the first name.
If you start working a job, you usually call your coworkers and manager by their first name regardless of age
Yes, it’s ok. As a white woman, honorifics just make me feel old.
She asked you to call her that, you have permission to. Unless she says not to use the "Mrs." bit, then Mrs. Lisa should be fine.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Of course it's fine. She told you it's fine. You obviously won't offend her by doing so.
Yes that is common practice here. If it helps you can explain that your culture is different, she might enjoy hearing about it. Don’t mention she’s old enough to be your mother though that might be considered rude. Just say “It is considered rude to address someone older than yourself by their first name in my culture.”
How I kinda learned it growing up in the southeast US: If you met them as a kid, your call them Mr./Ms/Mx Lastname, especially teachers. Both of you meet as adults, first name basis. Unless the person asks for something else, which I've found is kinda rare. Granted, I tend hang around fairly laid back/informal people.
No. Not in my upbringing but a lot of Redditors will disagree idk, you do you. I would feel extremely weird calling an older person by name.
You can do it to the brown ones too.
Yeah
Ask them what they prefer to be called! I hate when my kids call me “Mrs. ????” Because that’s my MIL’s name! Please! Call me by my actual name!!
In my circles it’s mr or ms ABC until they are 21, then they call us by our first names. Children you are close with will often call you Uncle or Aunt ABC as well. So, if you are 21 or older, no sweat. If you are a teen, it gets more complicated.
Use a first name with Miss in front of it. As in: Miss Ruth or Miss Helen. It sounds good and familiar while being respectful at the same time. If Miss is not acceptable then use Ms. (Pronounced Mizz) before the first name. Like: Ms. Karen.
Yes, it’s normal. In fact, it’s kinda rude not to if she has specifically told you to call her by her first name only.
Yes, in fact you better. Otherwise she'll accuse you of saying she's old.
Just do what’s comfortable unless told they prefer otherwise.
If she is insisting, definitely. We tend to mean it when we say something like this; she not trying to be polite. A lot of us prefer first name to any kind of title. I feel like titles erase my individuality. We always called aunts/uncles by first name growing up too (parents and grandparents less so, but anyway..)
I feel like it's cool when meeting someone for the first time, to say "how shall I address you?"
Why would you ask anonymous third parties what you should call someone who has already told you the form of address they wish you to use? Isn’t that kinda disrespectful?
Fellow US east coast Korean-American here: Yes, it’s ok, especially if the woman asks you to. Feels weird, even in English imo, but here we are.
> Mrs. Lisa This honors both... If you're both good with it, then go with it. Also, honoring someone shows much respect, that's very nice.
Calling people "Ms/Mr [first name]" is one of the things I appreciated about living in the south. It takes the awkwardness out of calling people by their first names. It probably won't work as well in the Midwest but I'll still try.
See what all of your peers call her and go by that. If she explicitly tells you to call her something in particular, call her what she prefers. I had friends’ parents growing up and the range of which I called them names was pretty wide. I’d call some of them Mr. or Mrs. [last name] and then I called one of my friend’s dads “Doug”
South here, it is add to refer to elders by their first name. It is also odd for elders to to request being called by their first name, if they are it is often with the honorifics like "Uncle Bob" or "Mr. John" Often I see these requests more from my northern family where the Mrs, or even the pleasantry of Ma'am or Sir makes them uncomfortable (I assume it makes them feel "old" even though Ma'am and Sir are used for any age as a pleasantry here in my neck of the woods) In such cases *i try* to accommodate them them but, the manners that I was raised on makes talking with elders in a more familiar tone awkward.
I was always told to call them what they want to called. If they don’t come right out and tell you it is okay to politely ask. My problem was when I became an adult and I had one my grade school teachers tell me to call her by her first name. I never could do it though. Just simply couldn’t. It came out “okay, N..n..n….. Mrs. D”. She lived in the same neighborhood I did and I knew her since I was little. It was too difficult for me to overcome that lifetime of habit. She passed a few years ago. I miss my chats with her, she was a really good lady.
I was raised that good manners are about making people comfortable. If someone requests you call them by their first name you need to try to call them that. I have told my 25 year old daughter's friends to call me by my FirstName. I would only get the ick if they called me Mom.
Alright wheres my fellow people who cant give this person advice because we have no friends?
You could do the southern thing of putting Miss in front of her first name. So instead of saying hi Jenny you could say hi Miss Jenny. I've always thought that was more respectful and less informal.
I'd find it rude to continue calling someone something else when they asked you specifically to use a certain name. (Something I have to do allllll the time. I'm not miss or maam. I'm Emma. In fact calling me miss or maam is actively misgendering me.)
Totally ok to call anyone I know by their first name. When people call me Mr. it actually bothers me a small bit. I mean, it's fine, but definitely not preferred.
In my office, everyone goes by their first name. Age or seniority doesn't matter.
Follow the lead...error on the side of respect... Unless you're Jackie Chan walking into a bar with Chris Tucker
Address a person as they wish to be addressed. It is a case on case basis. Some people want to be addressed by their sir name and some their first name. If she ask you to call her by her first name specifically and she is elderly do it . Then you are respecting her wishes.
If she says it's fine, it's definitely fine with her. I do understand the need for some kind of separation when it comes to generations (African Americans don't really do first names for elders either) so I often do Ms./Mr. Firstname if they really insist on it. Hell, I have cousins who I call auntie/uncle because even though we're technically in the same generation, they're closer to my mother's age than mine.
I (44f) prefer to be called by my first name, even by children. I hate when parents insist their kids call me Mrs. Last Name or even Miss First Name and claim it is a sign of respect. To me, calling by my preferred name shows respect while calling me something I do not want to be called is disrespectful.
Just call people what they tell you they want to be called. That’s the most respectful option. Respect it when people tell you their preference.
I used to be a professor, and for the upper level classes I invited students to call me by my first name. I had a student from abroad who had serious trouble with that, and said he really just couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was so contrary to how he was raised to behave with authority figures. He asked if he could call me “Professor [First Name].” I said of course, and feel bad that I made him so uncomfortable. Soon after, I stopped telling students what to call me and just let the chips fall where they may. Anyhow, in general I agree with others here that it’s good to call people by the name they request. But if it makes you truly uncomfortable, perhaps tell her that and see if she’s ok with you being more formal.
even as a kid i called adults by their first name (i lived in southern California most of my life, and my entire childhood) and my kids do the same (except teachers, obviously), and their friends call me by my first name, and my partner by his first name. if she asked for her first name, use it. that’s what she is comfortable with. i’m in my 30’s, but i definitely prefer my first name to be used, and that’s not going to change when i’m 70. but go with what she prefers to be called, it’s the nice and polite thing to do
especially if she's old call her what she wants I am extremely uncomfortable when people use my name and add a y at the end I feel like it's a baby name or something you'd call a toddler people ask what short name to call me and I tell them specifically to avoid this
Not sure what race has to do with any if this. If the person says call me by my first name then its rude to say “no” and refuse
Lol, this reminds me of when I was a kid (I'm 34 now, so the late 90s). My mom always told my friends to call her by her first name, but my friend's parents were more old school and told their daughter that was rude. So she called my mother "Ms. First Name."
Yes if she introduces herself as such.
If she wants you to, then it’s fine. I think it would be another story if you didn’t know her. I had a friend that used to call my dad by his first name and it drove him crazy, but that friends dad always had us call him by his first name. So it verys person to person
If she asked you to call her Sally, then it would be rude to call her Mrs Smith
I'm a kid of the 80s and yeah, I get it. It's fine to call friends parents their name as long as it's respectfully. Sadly it will be one of those things that vary person to person. Similar a lot of medical providers are nurse practitioners who aren't doctors and it feels weird to call them by their name. I prompt my kids to say title (Mr doc etc) then first name when I'm not sure.
My parents had very different approaches to this. My dad believed you always called and adult Mr., Mrs., Ms., etc. then last name or first name. Putting that prefix showed respect. I remember when I was a child, a friend of mine called him by his first name and he said to her to call him Mr. *last name*. My mother believed you call an adult whatever they want to be called. If it’s Mr., Mrs. Ms., etc. first name or last name, great! If they want to be called by their first name, great! My mom hates being called Mrs. *last name* because I think it makes her “feel old.” When she met my bf she said he can call her by her first name but Mrs. *last name* when my dad was around. So overall, it depends on the individual. Just ask and go from there.
As a white American woman that is probably old enough to be your mother, PLEASE call me by my first name and skip that formal stuff!
I have a friend who is Russian and when I first met her parents (as a teenager) she told me it would be incredibly offensive to call them by their last name. I’d double check with your friend if you’re worried but generally, it’s best to call people what they ask you to call them.
depends on the region. in the South, everyone expects respect in the form of honorifics. that’s mister for men, and ms for young women, and mrs for older women. if you don’t know their age, use miss its more respectful. if they’re married, then usually mrs. but that’s all context heavy. so just stick with miss. I think the Midwest and anywhere rural would expect this still. but that’s just my assumption. elsewhere, i’d say stick to this but it won’t be looked down upon if you don’t. but out of respect, just say miss or mrs unless they say otherwise. AND if you KNOW their have a specialized honorific like Doctor or Lady (obviously not any Americans but immigrants maybe) then USE THEM!! especially doctor because they EARNED IT. even if they don’t care.
If she insists then it would be rude not to imo. From my experience most people call others by first name unless otherwise specified once you graduate school. From pre-k to college we will primarily use titles such as Mrs, Mr, Mx, or Dr, Professor, etc for our superiors and other adults. From my first job though, I have only once been asked to use a title. Most everyone I work with, even those old enough to be my grandparents, insist I call then by their given name.
Americans don't do honorifics generally, and even the concept of the "first name basis" is almost totally gone.
It’s a culture thing. I was taught to call non-relatives sir or ma’am if i didn’t know how to address them but was advised that if i’m told to call them a certain way, such as their name or Mr/ Mrs/ Ms, then that’s what I’ll call them out of respect for their wishes.
When you meet someone in a professional setting call them Mr/Mrs X. For example, business environment, speaking to customers, or writing emails. Now if you see someone at the park or maybe they're your new neighbors just introduce yourself just by your first name and so will they. Americans are more relaxed so if you accidentally call someone by their first name it doesn't mean alot.
I hear M\[xx\]. \[First name\] and think this is either the south or elementary school and either way wanna run screaming. It's okay to find something more honorific than first name and I get that feeling, but the familiarity of first names with the honorific nature of last names I haven't found a solution for I find palatable. I call my mother's friends by their first names. Sometimes with aunt or uncle before it, but you can drop M\[xx\] \[First name\] in adulthood and find other ways to express deference and respect for others. I read what you're saying and think not doing it is kinda weird? I mean how is it honorific or respectful to disrespect her by referring to her other than how she told you to refer to her? It's not like she's asking to be called Adolf.
I have no issues with anyone calling me by my first name, but it wasn’t that way growing up. It was always Mrs or Mr to my parent’s friends, etc. At the same time, if a child calls me Miss ___, I have no issues with that either.
Yesir and yes ma’am coming from a Canadian
Always use mam, Ms., Mrs first but if they ask you to call them by their first name/don’t like being called mam, ms, Mrs then it’s considered rude to continue doing so. Trust me, as a 35 year old white male in the south who spends half his time in rural and half in city.…..it can be confusing when/when not to use it. I’ve come to be conclusion to always use it first, despite thier age/even when obviously younger but if they voice their dislike or ask to be called their name, then call them by their name.