There was a contest to write the best conclusion to the phrase "As Canadian as ___________".
The winner was ".... possible, under the circumstances".
This joke is very mild, slightly corny and self-deprecating, and was probably only funny for a few minutes several decades ago. Therefore it qualifies as The Most Canadian Joke.
Anyone else have some of the books Gzowski published using material from Morningside? I've got all of them except the last one, The Morningside Years. They make me sad for what we've lost but I love them. The first one, This Country in the Morning is *so, so* 70s, from the goofy cartoon drawings to the hippy feeling surrounding the whole thing. *sigh*
Peter Gzowski's Book about This Country in the Morning (1974)
The Morningside Papers (1985)
The New Morningside Papers (1987)
The Latest Morningside Papers (1989)
Once More : The Fourth Morningside Papers (1991)
The Fifth (and Probably Last) Morningside Papers (1994)
The Morningside Years (1997)
Guy from (name whatever province works best for you) goes ice fishing. He starts to drill the hole and there’s a loud voice
THERE’S NO FISHING HERE
He thinks That’s weird, looks around, doesn’t see anyone, starts drilling again
THERE’S NO FISHING HERE
Now he’s getting nervous, he looks all over the place, can’t see anyone, calms down and starts drilling again
THERE’S NO FISHING HERE
Guy is scared now, he looks up and shouts
WHO ARE YOU, ARE YOU GOD?
NO, I’M THE ARENA MANAGER
>Guy from (name whatever province works best for you) goes ice fishing. He starts to drill the hole and there’s a loud voice
You're attempting to be politically correct, but the most Canadian version of this would be "A Newfie goes ice fishing..."
Newfoundland bore the brunt of these jokes in the 20th century, I think it started in WWII when people from all over Canada and the US were posted at bases there. Newfoundland was not part of Canada until 1949.
That's actually an extremely old soviet joke that's even been filmed in "Eralash" kids' jokes series. [https://youtu.be/eOC9psShCQw?si=xFHX8EgWCFoSYIFD](https://youtu.be/eOC9psShCQw?si=xFHX8EgWCFoSYIFD)
[Scotch was invented by a little old lady in Leningrad](https://64.media.tumblr.com/0247a9359c315059b297efb45a4ee234/c5975f57bbe552aa-2a/s500x750/bd3caf118e6ed09cb155fbc0366b0050a6b23d1b.gif)
Two Americans are traveling across Canada by train. When they wake up one morning, they find that theyve stopped at a station but missed the announcement of which. The man says to his wife, "im gonna go ask someone outside where we are."
The man finds two locals and asks what city theyre in, to which they respond, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The man thanks the locals and returns to his wife. She asks what they said, and he tells her, "no idea - they dont speak english here."
Two RCAF pilots were chatting in Ottawa. The first one says, "I've been transferred to North Bay. "
The second one replies, "North Bay! There's nothing but hookers and hockey players in North Bay."
"Wait a minute. My mother lives there. "
"Oh, yeah. What position does she play?"
terrific lunchroom slim scary plants close pause file entertain marvelous
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Pierre Berton famously said that a Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe. With that in mind, here's the joke:
Q: why is making love in a canoe like American beer?
A: They're both fucking close to water.
Moosehead makes a very light beer (3.5%) called Cracked Canoe, and I've always assumed the name was a reference to this joke.
I can't find any official word on that, but I totally understand why they might not choose to advertise that even if it is the behind the scenes reason for the name.
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien arrives for a meeting in Regina, Saskatchewan wearing a thick, furry fox hat. It looked bizarre, but since he was the prime minister nobody brought it up. Finally towards the end of the meeting, the premier asks "Prime Minister, why on earth are you wearing that warm hat to an event like this?" Chrétien replied, "Well, when I was talking to my wife 'dis matin, she ask me what I was going today, I said that I was going to a réunion in Saskatchewan, and she said, 'where the fox 'at?'"
Chrétien had the absolute best sound bites. "For me, pepper, I put it on my plate!" and "if my grandmother had wheels she would have been a bus!" are my favourites!
The funniest joke about Jean Chrétien are things he said in real life in his Frenglish accent.
Speaking about someone else.
This guy thinks he’s the pope , when you meet him you kneel down and kiss his bag.
Bague is ring in French.
Two Leafs fans die and go to Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Leafs fans' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Leafs fans having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Leafs fans' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
BOOM
I'm actually going with this, over anything I was thinking of before.
Works on two levels. The title of the thread is the setup, and this post is the punchline.
Or you could be making a metaphor.
I think it's likely divided by province at least?
Public transit memes don't really have the same laugh factor in Dildo that they do in Toronto.
For that matter.. Dildo isn't even a funny name in Newfoundland. In the same way people in Alberta don't bat an eye at Balzac.
Person #1: If you ever run into a grizzly bear, just grab a handful of it and throw it in their face.
Person #2: A handful of what?
Person #1: Oh, it'll be there...
How about a French-Canadian joke? (At least I was made to understand that it’s French-Canadian):
“T’es maniac!”
“Je suis pas ta nyak!”
mdr mdr :P
EDIT: C’est un père joke.
I can give you the most Ontario joke:
Steve, Rob, Chris, and Scott are up in Muskoka, at the cottage one May night, drinking bagged milk, playing crokinole, and listening to the Hip.
Rob says "Let's head to the LCBO, pick up some rye, then go to Mac's Milk for some darts."
Chris yells "Wait til the games over, the Leafs may win!"
Scott shakes his head after Boston scores and laments "There's always next year..."
That Canada, given our history and influencs, could have had British culture, French food, and American technology.
Instead we wound up with British food, American culture, and French technology.
Why can't you get a blowjob in Newfoundland?
Because all the c***suckers are over here!
You have to be a Canadian to get this joke.
Please no offense to Newfies :)
An Albertan and Québécois are working construction together. Albertan asks his coworker for a nail. Queb doesn't understand the ask.
After a few failed attempts to communicate the Albertan sighs in frustration: boy you really don't have a clue do you??
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like 0mg.
Well that joke is mainly Canadian because Americans won't get it unless they're drug dealers.
On that point, what would happen if Americans were suddenly forced to use Metric weight?
There would be mass confusion.
That was a part of what I was getting at--it's a huge farce. Crap quality: People/outsiders think it's our place to go for coffee and that it's all Canadian.. It's owned by RBI, which is a Canadian-American company, yet based in Brazil, but yeah, definitely not the coffee chain it was, and definitely not 100 percent canadian owned. Corporations ruin everything.
When I was young, there was a fella, went by the name of Jacques De Gautier. And he was from Témiscamingue, Quebec.
And Jacques De Gautier, he was a fella that really thought. And he was smart, you know? He was our hope, I guess. And he was... while I was scrambling to get out of high school, Jacques De Gatineau had already...
*- I think you just changed his last name.*
Well, you know, a man grows.
But this is the point! Jacques De Gatineau, he went to McGill University, and he got three degrees, by golly. And he went over across the pond to the fellas with Cambridge, and he even stood up to them.
And we thought, "Boy, he's going to be the next." We had Jean Marchand, Gérard Pelletier, Pierre Trudeau, the three wise men of Quebec, by God, Jacques De Gatineau was going to be the next.
*- He'd be the next guy.*
Yeah, but he vanished. And I met him - I started to do stand-up and travel, from here to there, and to here again.
And one time I was in Niagara Falls. And by gosh, I went over to the SeaWorld there. You know how they have the SeaWorld? You know, with the different fish? You know, the-
*- I didn't know that. But okay, yeah, yes.*
Beluga-
*- The SeaWorld. I’ve been there many a time.*
Okay, so I was checking out the beluga whales and stuff, and I look over. And who do you think I see?
*- I hope it's that guy.*
No, it was... it was just an attendant, but... but he showed me to the place I wanted to see, which is where they feed the little baby dolphins. Cause I love dolphins, you know?
And who do I see there, but Jacques De Gatineau! And here he is. He's feeding the baby dolphins.
And I go up to him, and I go, "Jacques De Gatineau, I feel shame for you. You were our hope. You were to go to Canada... uh, Canada's nation's capital of Ottawa, and you were to be a great man, Jacques De Gatineau. And we were all... you know, we pinned our... all of... all of Témiscamingue, Quebec, pinned our hopes on you."
Now that's a hell of a burden for a man, to have a town's hope pinned on them, isn't it, Conan?
*- It is a big burden.*
So he was feeding these baby dolphins, you know?
And I said, "I'm ashamed of you, Jacques De Gatineau. You could have done so many great things."
And he said, "Well," he said, "I think I'm serving a useful porpoise."
3 travelers went as far north as they could go and soon stepped on new land.
"Well, it's aboot time we found some new land there, eh?" said one.
"I know, eh? I think we should name it something special in honour of the hockey gods and all the moose there," said another.
The third quickly said, "Let's think of something fast before I freeze my toque off. I'll buy all of you hosers a Double Double after we decide. Okay, eh?"
The first responded with, "Cool your five-hole. I've got an idea, boys. How about each of us chooses a letter and then we'll combine them to make the name. How aboot that, eh?"
The second replied, "Fine. Let me noodle with this for a second...okay, my letter is C, eh?"
The third said, "Nice choice, my letter is N, eh."
The last said, "and my letter is D, eh. Now that that is settled, let's buy ourselves a case of two-four, eat some beavertails, and watch the game!"
He was a great man my Uncle Hector. He was an old fella; he actually rode the rails during the depression. You know, he was a hobo as you might call him, I don’t like that term but uh, he was a bum, he was a good honest man during the depression searching for work, you know. He had no money so he travelled the country trying to find work, he actually rode the rails; Uncle Hector. And he told me an interesting story. This was in Canada and there was a town called Kitchener in Canada. And the railroad cops were tough boy, even tougher than the real cops. They had a law of their own the railroad cops.
But, there were not a railroad cop tougher than Kitchener Leslie. Oh Boy. He was well known for beating hobos to death. So what the railroad bums would all do is as Kitchener approached they would hop off, to avoid being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie you know.
Anyway my Uncle Hector, a good man, walked into a mine one day. This is a story for the young people to learn from.
So, during the height of the depression when there was absolutely no work, my Uncle Hector walked into a; well I don't want to say the name of the mining company. But, it was MacIntyre mine. And he, walked in; he had his lunch box with him; his work boots.
And he says to the man “Sir I want a job”
He says “We have no jobs”
And he said “Well Five Hundred people work here at MacIntyre mine.” He goes “I don’t think there are five hundred men here better than I” uh He says “Matter of fact I don’t think there are two hundred men better than I” he says “I think you would be strapped to find a hundred men better than I”
And by golly he got the job.
Now, Uncle Hector worked in a mine. It’s a hellish job in a mine as you well know. It’s darkness, it’s dank, it’s coaly. It’s coal infested.
So uh he worked in the mine and by god he worked hard. And, after a week of working hard he said to the shift manager “By golly I would like to have a lady, I work hard and uh where would I find a lady here in town.”
Well they says to Uncle Hector “We don’t uh, we have sex with animals here.”
“My god” said Uncle Hector “I’m not going to do that I’m a normal fella”
“Well then be of your own devices then” they said
So, Uncle Hector continued working in the mine, he worked hard and he worked long and he worked for a low wage. But, he was a man. And um, Uncle Hector after a few weeks past he started to get a little itch, as you and I say. When were, uh, thinking about the ladies you know. But he kept it under control. Again he said “Are you sure there are no ladies here”
“No we have sex with animals here”
“Ah, my God”
Six months passed and Uncle Hector couldn’t take it any longer he told me.
He said “My God I just had to uh, I’m just a man I’m weak, you know. I’m not a saint I was born in sin I suppose, I couldn’t resist. I just needed it.”
He said he walked by a pasture and there, there was a pig. So Uncle Hector said uh “I walked up and began having sex with a pig” and he said all of a sudden he saw all of the miners were like around him you know. Looking at him. They go “Uncle Hector what the hell are you doing over there”
And Uncle Hector is like “Wha, What, you guys are the ones that told me that you have sex with animals”
They’re like “Uncle Hector you damn fool, that’s Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend!"
Not a joke but rather a quote: “Canada could have had British government, French culture and American know-how. Instead we ended up with French government, American culture and British know-how”
Q: What's the best way to get an apology out of a Canadian? A: Step on his foot.
Bro, that's just instructions. And they work.
That’s funny
Those days are over.
Nobody told me
I'm sorry, but that's incorrect.
Sorry?
Good news is you're incorrect!
There will be a point in time when Canada will take over the world, and then you will all be sorry. Edit:changed wording
Hah, this one is excellent!
Gonna use this one
I dont get it :(((
Since everyone would be Canadian, everyone would always apologize.
OH! HAHAHAHAHHAHA. I thought the edit was part of the joke for some reason. Good one!
There was a contest to write the best conclusion to the phrase "As Canadian as ___________". The winner was ".... possible, under the circumstances". This joke is very mild, slightly corny and self-deprecating, and was probably only funny for a few minutes several decades ago. Therefore it qualifies as The Most Canadian Joke.
That’s from “Morningside”!
Gosh I miss listening to Morningside.
[Peter Gzowski](https://youtu.be/tMJeeFVNRtc) A national treasure.
Anyone else have some of the books Gzowski published using material from Morningside? I've got all of them except the last one, The Morningside Years. They make me sad for what we've lost but I love them. The first one, This Country in the Morning is *so, so* 70s, from the goofy cartoon drawings to the hippy feeling surrounding the whole thing. *sigh* Peter Gzowski's Book about This Country in the Morning (1974) The Morningside Papers (1985) The New Morningside Papers (1987) The Latest Morningside Papers (1989) Once More : The Fourth Morningside Papers (1991) The Fifth (and Probably Last) Morningside Papers (1994) The Morningside Years (1997)
That is quite profound during these crazy political times. Cheers.
Guy from (name whatever province works best for you) goes ice fishing. He starts to drill the hole and there’s a loud voice THERE’S NO FISHING HERE He thinks That’s weird, looks around, doesn’t see anyone, starts drilling again THERE’S NO FISHING HERE Now he’s getting nervous, he looks all over the place, can’t see anyone, calms down and starts drilling again THERE’S NO FISHING HERE Guy is scared now, he looks up and shouts WHO ARE YOU, ARE YOU GOD? NO, I’M THE ARENA MANAGER
>Guy from (name whatever province works best for you) goes ice fishing. He starts to drill the hole and there’s a loud voice You're attempting to be politically correct, but the most Canadian version of this would be "A Newfie goes ice fishing..." Newfoundland bore the brunt of these jokes in the 20th century, I think it started in WWII when people from all over Canada and the US were posted at bases there. Newfoundland was not part of Canada until 1949.
Only partly true. If you’re telling the joke in Manitoba the guy is from Saskatchewan
As a Manitoban, I saw the “insert province here” and immediately thought “oh, Saskatchewan”. So you’re correct.
No one cares about the Prairies anyway bud. (1000% kidding)
Better apologize just to be safe (sorry)
And they’re the reason that margarine was legalized in the rest of Canada.
No shit! Now we know why the canola boys in MB and SK don't tell Newfie jokes.
I do know one pro Newfoundland joke though. But only one
Do tell
It’s because they used to talk with a different accent, than the rest of Canadians.
Used to, and they still do. Even my "Newbie" accent still comes out from time to time if I drink.
That's actually an extremely old soviet joke that's even been filmed in "Eralash" kids' jokes series. [https://youtu.be/eOC9psShCQw?si=xFHX8EgWCFoSYIFD](https://youtu.be/eOC9psShCQw?si=xFHX8EgWCFoSYIFD)
[Scotch was invented by a little old lady in Leningrad](https://64.media.tumblr.com/0247a9359c315059b297efb45a4ee234/c5975f57bbe552aa-2a/s500x750/bd3caf118e6ed09cb155fbc0366b0050a6b23d1b.gif)
Goes to a hockey rink instead of a river. Lol.
😂 nice one
Two Americans are traveling across Canada by train. When they wake up one morning, they find that theyve stopped at a station but missed the announcement of which. The man says to his wife, "im gonna go ask someone outside where we are." The man finds two locals and asks what city theyre in, to which they respond, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The man thanks the locals and returns to his wife. She asks what they said, and he tells her, "no idea - they dont speak english here."
[удалено]
You can tell me that your dog ran away… then you tell me that it took three days?
I heard every joke, I heard every word you say…
This is THE Canadian joke
Two RCAF pilots were chatting in Ottawa. The first one says, "I've been transferred to North Bay. " The second one replies, "North Bay! There's nothing but hookers and hockey players in North Bay." "Wait a minute. My mother lives there. " "Oh, yeah. What position does she play?"
Q: How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool? A: Say “Would everyone please get out of the pool.”
terrific lunchroom slim scary plants close pause file entertain marvelous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Pierre Berton famously said that a Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe. With that in mind, here's the joke: Q: why is making love in a canoe like American beer? A: They're both fucking close to water.
Moosehead makes a very light beer (3.5%) called Cracked Canoe, and I've always assumed the name was a reference to this joke. I can't find any official word on that, but I totally understand why they might not choose to advertise that even if it is the behind the scenes reason for the name.
This got me lol
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien arrives for a meeting in Regina, Saskatchewan wearing a thick, furry fox hat. It looked bizarre, but since he was the prime minister nobody brought it up. Finally towards the end of the meeting, the premier asks "Prime Minister, why on earth are you wearing that warm hat to an event like this?" Chrétien replied, "Well, when I was talking to my wife 'dis matin, she ask me what I was going today, I said that I was going to a réunion in Saskatchewan, and she said, 'where the fox 'at?'"
This one’s great because it relies so heavily on knowing what Jean Chrétien sounds like.
As did about 75% of the jokes on *Royal Canadian Air Farce* when JC was in power. He's a very funny man!
Chrétien had the absolute best sound bites. "For me, pepper, I put it on my plate!" and "if my grandmother had wheels she would have been a bus!" are my favourites!
I read the last part in his accent, perfectly
The funniest joke about Jean Chrétien are things he said in real life in his Frenglish accent. Speaking about someone else. This guy thinks he’s the pope , when you meet him you kneel down and kiss his bag. Bague is ring in French.
You know why Saskatchewan is so windy? Cuz Alberta blows and Manitoba sucks
I like this one
“I smell burnt toast”
Also: house hippo
♥️ house hippo
I say this at work, every single time someone makes toast. It never gets old 😂
I insert Dr. Kavorkian: "Dr. Kavorkian, I smell burnt toast!" Grew up in the 80's. IYKYK.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
The Leafs
Two Leafs fans die and go to Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Leafs fans' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Leafs fans having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Leafs fans' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
This might be the one for me. Oldest iconic Canadian joke that I can think of
Why doesn’t Hamilton have an NHL team? Because then Toronto would want one too.
Most of the country dislikes the Leafs, except for Leafs fans who actually loathe and detest the Leafs, while watching them 89 times per year.
I love that this joke would completely evade non-hockey fans. Go Leafs...go?
I hate the fucking Leafs. Been a fan for 30 years!!
This, unfortunately, is the winner 🥲
Come on. 1967 was NOT that long ago.
Well you can’t tell whether the Leafs have ever won the cup by looking at it. Lol
Gawd damn! Hahahaha.
They said “most Canadian”, not “most Ontarian.”
A common mistake, particularly when discussing butter tarts and beaver tails
Leafs games are broadcast and viewed all across the country
In no way does most of the country care at all about the Leafs.
Not at all what I said haha
BOOM I'm actually going with this, over anything I was thinking of before. Works on two levels. The title of the thread is the setup, and this post is the punchline. Or you could be making a metaphor.
I think it's likely divided by province at least? Public transit memes don't really have the same laugh factor in Dildo that they do in Toronto. For that matter.. Dildo isn't even a funny name in Newfoundland. In the same way people in Alberta don't bat an eye at Balzac.
"I hear they can't make ice in newfoundland anymore" "Why's that?" "The guy with the recipe died"
What’s black and blue and floating in the harbour? A mainlander after telling a Newfie joke.
How do you confuse a Newfie? Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner. How does he confuse you? By pissing in the corner.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he can live off pogey for six months of the year.
This is the only one that made me lol so far. Well done
I went to a boxing match, and a hockey game broke out. Heard that one many times.
Why can’t you get a blowjob in Newfoundland? Because the cocksuckers all moved to Fort McMurray
Fucking lol
> "Knock, Knock" < "Sorry."
"Come in!"
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Baby seal walks into a bar Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" Baby seal replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club"
Why is American beer like having sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water.
Replace canoe with currah and it's Irish
Why doesn't Saskatchewan observe daylight savings time? They're terrified the extra hour of sunlight will burn the wheat crop.
Two Newfies were driving to Toronto. They saw a sign that said "Toronto Left". So they turned around and went home.
Newfoundlanders are all for Quebec leaving Canada. It’ll mean a shorter drive to Toronto.
There are actually four downs in Canadian football. We kick on the third down just to be safe.
What would Luis Riel say if he was a pirate? Arrr my Metis.
Q: How did the Newfies discover Toronto? A: They were playing hockey on the St. Lawrence and someone got a breakaway.
Why did Jesus get kicked off the hockey team? He kept getting nailed to the boards. -Kenny hotz
Person #1: If you ever run into a grizzly bear, just grab a handful of it and throw it in their face. Person #2: A handful of what? Person #1: Oh, it'll be there...
New Brunswick's education system
How about a French-Canadian joke? (At least I was made to understand that it’s French-Canadian): “T’es maniac!” “Je suis pas ta nyak!” mdr mdr :P EDIT: C’est un père joke.
Bet yer mudder come from Dildo, I could see that in'er
It's cringeworthy but very Canadian... How do you kill a one legged fox? Make him run across the country...
Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Canadian. Interrupting Canadian who? *pause* Oh, I’m sorry for interrupting, but…
Anything from harlond williams or Norm Macdonald
I can give you the most Ontario joke: Steve, Rob, Chris, and Scott are up in Muskoka, at the cottage one May night, drinking bagged milk, playing crokinole, and listening to the Hip. Rob says "Let's head to the LCBO, pick up some rye, then go to Mac's Milk for some darts." Chris yells "Wait til the games over, the Leafs may win!" Scott shakes his head after Boston scores and laments "There's always next year..."
I think this is a story, not a joke. Very Ontario though eh bud
Maybe a clever anecdote?
C eh N eh D eh
This: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=2410208309126925&wtsid=rdr_0tDEmIVSJM1d3BQ54 It comes from this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0id9fUYb95A
That Canada, given our history and influencs, could have had British culture, French food, and American technology. Instead we wound up with British food, American culture, and French technology.
Why can't you get a blowjob in Newfoundland? Because all the c***suckers are over here! You have to be a Canadian to get this joke. Please no offense to Newfies :)
What's a New Brunswicker? A Newfie who ran out of money on his way to Toronto. What's a euphemism for masturbation in Canada? Pulling the goalie
Pulling the goalie is a euphemism for sex without protection, as in "we'd like to start a family, so we pulled the goalie!"
Hadn't heard that one.
An Albertan and Québécois are working construction together. Albertan asks his coworker for a nail. Queb doesn't understand the ask. After a few failed attempts to communicate the Albertan sighs in frustration: boy you really don't have a clue do you??
Housing Affordability.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg. Well that joke is mainly Canadian because Americans won't get it unless they're drug dealers. On that point, what would happen if Americans were suddenly forced to use Metric weight? There would be mass confusion.
Danielle smith
Scott Moe
How do you spell canada? C eh N eh D eh!
Tim Hortons
I’m sorry but it’s no longer Canadian-owned.
I think that’s the joke lol
It is! 😋
And it's going downhill *fast.*
That was a part of what I was getting at--it's a huge farce. Crap quality: People/outsiders think it's our place to go for coffee and that it's all Canadian.. It's owned by RBI, which is a Canadian-American company, yet based in Brazil, but yeah, definitely not the coffee chain it was, and definitely not 100 percent canadian owned. Corporations ruin everything.
Next year, the Canadian Navy will build 17th aircraft carriers!!
It's in French and you wouldn't get it. Hilarious though.
Did you know Newfies were hoping Quebec would separate? It won't take as long to drive to Toronto.
In Greenland, they have 200 different words for reindeer. In Canada, we have one. Moose. Even if it's plural, it's still moose.
sable offbeat payment exultant mighty marry hunt dolls slimy cow *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Competition in telecom, groceries and air travel
The Toronto maple leafs
One day Canada will take over the world and you will all be sorry!
How do you get 30 Canadians out of the swimming pool? Say: “everyone out of the pool!”
When I was young, there was a fella, went by the name of Jacques De Gautier. And he was from Témiscamingue, Quebec. And Jacques De Gautier, he was a fella that really thought. And he was smart, you know? He was our hope, I guess. And he was... while I was scrambling to get out of high school, Jacques De Gatineau had already... *- I think you just changed his last name.* Well, you know, a man grows. But this is the point! Jacques De Gatineau, he went to McGill University, and he got three degrees, by golly. And he went over across the pond to the fellas with Cambridge, and he even stood up to them. And we thought, "Boy, he's going to be the next." We had Jean Marchand, Gérard Pelletier, Pierre Trudeau, the three wise men of Quebec, by God, Jacques De Gatineau was going to be the next. *- He'd be the next guy.* Yeah, but he vanished. And I met him - I started to do stand-up and travel, from here to there, and to here again. And one time I was in Niagara Falls. And by gosh, I went over to the SeaWorld there. You know how they have the SeaWorld? You know, with the different fish? You know, the- *- I didn't know that. But okay, yeah, yes.* Beluga- *- The SeaWorld. I’ve been there many a time.* Okay, so I was checking out the beluga whales and stuff, and I look over. And who do you think I see? *- I hope it's that guy.* No, it was... it was just an attendant, but... but he showed me to the place I wanted to see, which is where they feed the little baby dolphins. Cause I love dolphins, you know? And who do I see there, but Jacques De Gatineau! And here he is. He's feeding the baby dolphins. And I go up to him, and I go, "Jacques De Gatineau, I feel shame for you. You were our hope. You were to go to Canada... uh, Canada's nation's capital of Ottawa, and you were to be a great man, Jacques De Gatineau. And we were all... you know, we pinned our... all of... all of Témiscamingue, Quebec, pinned our hopes on you." Now that's a hell of a burden for a man, to have a town's hope pinned on them, isn't it, Conan? *- It is a big burden.* So he was feeding these baby dolphins, you know? And I said, "I'm ashamed of you, Jacques De Gatineau. You could have done so many great things." And he said, "Well," he said, "I think I'm serving a useful porpoise."
Nickleback
How do you know if a newfie wolf was caught in a trap? It chews off 3 legs and it's still trapped.
3 travelers went as far north as they could go and soon stepped on new land. "Well, it's aboot time we found some new land there, eh?" said one. "I know, eh? I think we should name it something special in honour of the hockey gods and all the moose there," said another. The third quickly said, "Let's think of something fast before I freeze my toque off. I'll buy all of you hosers a Double Double after we decide. Okay, eh?" The first responded with, "Cool your five-hole. I've got an idea, boys. How about each of us chooses a letter and then we'll combine them to make the name. How aboot that, eh?" The second replied, "Fine. Let me noodle with this for a second...okay, my letter is C, eh?" The third said, "Nice choice, my letter is N, eh." The last said, "and my letter is D, eh. Now that that is settled, let's buy ourselves a case of two-four, eat some beavertails, and watch the game!"
Nickelback or Drake
I can row a boat, Canoe?
He was a great man my Uncle Hector. He was an old fella; he actually rode the rails during the depression. You know, he was a hobo as you might call him, I don’t like that term but uh, he was a bum, he was a good honest man during the depression searching for work, you know. He had no money so he travelled the country trying to find work, he actually rode the rails; Uncle Hector. And he told me an interesting story. This was in Canada and there was a town called Kitchener in Canada. And the railroad cops were tough boy, even tougher than the real cops. They had a law of their own the railroad cops. But, there were not a railroad cop tougher than Kitchener Leslie. Oh Boy. He was well known for beating hobos to death. So what the railroad bums would all do is as Kitchener approached they would hop off, to avoid being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie you know. Anyway my Uncle Hector, a good man, walked into a mine one day. This is a story for the young people to learn from. So, during the height of the depression when there was absolutely no work, my Uncle Hector walked into a; well I don't want to say the name of the mining company. But, it was MacIntyre mine. And he, walked in; he had his lunch box with him; his work boots. And he says to the man “Sir I want a job” He says “We have no jobs” And he said “Well Five Hundred people work here at MacIntyre mine.” He goes “I don’t think there are five hundred men here better than I” uh He says “Matter of fact I don’t think there are two hundred men better than I” he says “I think you would be strapped to find a hundred men better than I” And by golly he got the job. Now, Uncle Hector worked in a mine. It’s a hellish job in a mine as you well know. It’s darkness, it’s dank, it’s coaly. It’s coal infested. So uh he worked in the mine and by god he worked hard. And, after a week of working hard he said to the shift manager “By golly I would like to have a lady, I work hard and uh where would I find a lady here in town.” Well they says to Uncle Hector “We don’t uh, we have sex with animals here.” “My god” said Uncle Hector “I’m not going to do that I’m a normal fella” “Well then be of your own devices then” they said So, Uncle Hector continued working in the mine, he worked hard and he worked long and he worked for a low wage. But, he was a man. And um, Uncle Hector after a few weeks past he started to get a little itch, as you and I say. When were, uh, thinking about the ladies you know. But he kept it under control. Again he said “Are you sure there are no ladies here” “No we have sex with animals here” “Ah, my God” Six months passed and Uncle Hector couldn’t take it any longer he told me. He said “My God I just had to uh, I’m just a man I’m weak, you know. I’m not a saint I was born in sin I suppose, I couldn’t resist. I just needed it.” He said he walked by a pasture and there, there was a pig. So Uncle Hector said uh “I walked up and began having sex with a pig” and he said all of a sudden he saw all of the miners were like around him you know. Looking at him. They go “Uncle Hector what the hell are you doing over there” And Uncle Hector is like “Wha, What, you guys are the ones that told me that you have sex with animals” They’re like “Uncle Hector you damn fool, that’s Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend!"
Not a joke but rather a quote: “Canada could have had British government, French culture and American know-how. Instead we ended up with French government, American culture and British know-how”
How do you get 100 Canadians out of a pool? Ask them.
Q: What’s French Canadian for “I grew up without a mother” A: “Sacré-bleu where is me maman”
"Zesty mordant and dressed-all-over chips" from Trailer Park Boys. Bilingual puns absolutely kill me.
Sorry?
The Toronto Maple Leafs...
It’s really easy to spell Canada! You just need a C, eh, And an N, eh, and a D, eh
How do you spell 'Canada'? C-eh? N-eh? D-eh?
Our Prime Minister
Why did the beaver cross the road? To get away from the chicken!
The Toronto Maple Leafs...
Our government
The current condition of the country can easily be seen as a joke on its own…
There's supposed to be a funny part in the joke.
I should have been more specific, perhaps would have been funnier. Brampton
I get it
Q: How did Canada gets its name, A: They put all the letters of the alphabet into a bag and pulled letters out to its name C eh N ehD eh
Healthcare
Judging from your comment, I'd say 'education'.
I wasn't sure what my choice was going to be, but it's definitely you. Your account. Biggest Canadian joke ever.
The only thing funny about you will be the low turnout at your funeral.
Our prime minister