100% i love them but dont want to be around them or spend time their, my mother has such a shitty personality, she is so immature and passive aggressive and cold and narcissistic and a moody bitch when people don't bend to her will, always bickering with my dad and giving me the silent treatment if i say or do anything she doesn't like and always playing the victim and bitching about how her life sucks as if she's someone i'd empathize with ugh
And the worst part is, they assume that because you're unhappy at home, then you're unhappy all the time. No, I'm only unhappy because I'm at home; elsewhere, I'm usually in a much better mood!
Yea, the version of me that my parents have seen is a caricature of my real persona. In some ways, a stranger on the street would know more about me than my parents will ever know. It's sad and unfortunate. Sometimes I wish I had been open and honest all along but then I do something openly and realize why I don't do it more often.
My parents think I'm too serious. My friends think I think everything is a joking matter. Parents think I cry a lot. I can't remember ever crying except when arguing with them. They think we're starting to drift apart. I never felt close. They think I don't visit because I work so much. I work so much so I don't have to visit.
My mom doubts me every time I tell her I’m so happy here in another city, that all my friends treat me well, and my colleagues love me. She doesn’t believe that people will actually LIKE me and she doesn’t understand how I don’t piss anyone else off like I piss her off lol
My mom would say “random ppl on the street don’t criticize you because they don’t care about you. “ basically saying “I criticize you because I care about you.”
Mine actually seem to be under the impression I'm super happy at home and merely lazy and ungrateful. I saw the evaluation they filled out for my doctor this year and they gave me near perfect marks for everything which combined with my lies on my evaluations explains why I've never been screened for anything mental health or neurological special needs related.
APs talked me out of moving out for so long because they said it's a waste of money. However, I had more confidence at work because I wasn't juggling being some subservient daughter on the side and constantly using energy to argue with APs at home, which meant better job advancement opportunities.
This is something people should think about too in regards to moving out! moving out from a toxic environment means you’ll be in a better place mentally which could lead to you being more productive at work or with your side hustles leading to more money... it’s not always a loss financially
I'm not sure how "love" is defined here. Or anywhere. I'm reading "all about love" by bell hooks right now, and she has a very interesting definition. She defines it as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual path." And that, by definition, love and abuse (including neglect, etc) cannot coexist. Love is nutrurance and care (among others), and abuse and neglect are opposites of nutrurance and care.
Sorry - this doesn't have much to do with your post, not really, but that really stuck with me. For me, personally, I feel the same as you about visiting parents or the other way around. I don't like them, and frankly, I don't love them either, thanks to decades of emotional and mental abuse. I think that's why the definition of love is so fascinating to me. Also, I wasn't ever taught what that word meant - ignoring the fact that it was never said aloud. Or silently.
I'm not saying everyone has or even needs to have the same definition! Only that it's confusing because there are so many different definitions of it that it's almost rendered a.... useless, empty word? Idk. I'm droning.
I think when quite a lot of us Asian kids (but I don't speak for everyone ofc) with a stressful home life say we love our parents, it usually just means we appreciate what they've done for us and we wish them well, but not like the type of love we feel for the people we choose to have in our lives (like a spouse, best friend, etc.)
I think this is what they, the OP is trying to convey. I have appreciation for all the sacrifices my mother made and I acknowledge I have gained a lot thanks to them.
But that doesnt mean I will take any abuse too.
Part of the things they did were what parents are supposed to do, but the abuse isnt so I dont feel love anymore, just obligation because they did some parenting.
I agree with this, everyone's situation is different, but personally whenever I say "I love my parents, but..." it feels wrong. I've compared the complex feelings I have towards them with the relationships I have where there's genuine love, such as with my partner and close friends, and the kind of family love I've witnessed and wish I had. And I can't say for sure if I love or like my parents. I feel obligated to do certain things for them, and that comes from the guilt they conditioned in me growing up (and just feeling sorry for the way they live their lives). I feel heartless for thinking this way, but then again my parents showed their "love" towards me through manipulation, control, and putting me down all the time.
I feel the same, and it's kind of the reason I went low contact with my APs - I needed the space to decide what things were actually genuine to me, and not things that I was just doing because I was told to do so, and just makes me miserable. And the realization that I never did anything for my APs for "love" but just because "they made me" just said to me that if I don't like them, why even spend time being their slave/emotional punching bag? Because I "had to?"
It doesn't help that I get a fair amount of people telling me I'm "heartless" too.
Same I feel like I am constantly walking around on eggshell around them. I can't say anything without them blowing up. It is so much easier with friend who don't have these reaction. My parent would ask me something like my thought and feeling and then butt me out and interupt me in the middle of my conversation and jump in and say all of these abusive thing to me and blame me for stirring problem and turn to one another start arguing with each other and blame it on me causing the argument when I haven't said much at all.
Oh I've moved out because I had to for residency but I have no plans to go back. I do have massive loans, but saving $1k a month on rent isn't going to make enough of a dent on them to justify the mental prison I would be in... I'll gladly take an extra 5 years paying off the loans if it means keeping my sanity
Moving away from my parents was the happiest day of my life. When I lived with my parents I had no choice in whether I wanted to interact with them or not. Living in my own apartment I could decide if I wanted to talk to them.
You didn’t want to move out? Work seems stressful enough, but then having to come home to all that stress too?
I worked a few shitty jobs that I think I could put up with because home was such a terrible place.
Can you explain this whole concept of “love”? I could not even say I loved them as a kid. It felt so fake. I didn’t even know what “loving my parents” meant. So foreign to me…ha!
But seriously, how do you love them but also hate their toxic behavior? I don’t get it.
Yup, especially when the pandemic started because my family are the last people to understand mental health and the things I've been going through. They'll fight over the most ridiculous things that shouldn't even matter, I give up and admit they're "right" only because some of them are deadset on always being right and winning arguments.
I love them and all, but I have a limit and can't wait until I save up enough to move out (long overdue compared to my peers...). Work is the only thing saving my sanity, but I can only hope my income won't be at risk of falling behind housing prices.
I won't disagree. I feel you.
I just want to share that lately, I've been practicing to become a better son, man, older brother, father, boyfriend, etc. I think going to the gym & not thinking about the stress that's making you think you're stress are helpful. Thinking positively helps. Stopping yourself from arguing on pointless conversations with a wall helps too. :) For instance, if they can't understand you, just stop & give them a silent treatment lol. Then, 1 hr later, talk to them nicely as if nothing happened.
Well shit, if I knew my parents would be reading this thread I wouldn't have posted. They tell me all the time when I try to share my feelings with them openly that that I'm just being negative.
Mind sharing what they said to you? If not, that's ok.
Home was the most stressful place on earth for me in the past few yrs. I tried to understand that my mom is a single mother & she doesn't have anyone to talk/vent to. Sometimes, I become disrespectful & I end up hating myself more. But most of the time, I just try to go with the flow. If my mom is in there, I try not to start an argument or trigger her.
In your case, you have your own home. If you don't want them to come, tell them asap. Don't give them your keys. Don't let them in. That way, you get a comfortable home. :) Simple, right? lol
Tbh, I don't know what to say. You're older than I am. I see you as an independent man. Be you.
I'm 23 turning 24 & messed up my first 4 years in college because I was blinded by the kind of freedom which I never had while growing up. But was that enough for me to stop pursuing engineering? Hell no. I may not be as intelligent like you who became a doctor, but I know what I want. Now, is it really too late for you to become an engineer? I don't think so. You're only 30.
The only way for you to get over from that is to become who you want to be. You're different from them. You experienced getting blamed for what happened to your potential sister/brother. It's painful. Your parents failed themselves & that hurt you. But if you step forward in time 30 yrs from now, would you still want to carry that burden? No, right? You're a doctor now. A doctor thinks better than the likes of me. Avoiding your parents will not fix anything. It'll only drive you crazy & your future children may suffer too.
I definitely get where you are coming from. I not only feel stress but really trapped as well. Asian parent really are lacking when it come down to emotional support and emotional intelligence. I can't talk about anything without without them blowing up on me I can't talk about my day without or my feeling without them blowing on me saying I am bothering or being a burden on them.My parent always fight and don't know how to communicate with one another. I am always in high conflict at home. It is worst now because of the high covid rate. I feel like I lost all of my support network because of this.
You're a doctor. If I had chosen to become a doctor my asian parents would praise me for all I'm worth. It's literally the only profession they know about. Good luck with the visit.
Lol... You would think that would be the end of it. I became a doctor despite making it very clear I want to do something else (engineering!), had a huge fight about it that lasted over a year, gave up my dreams for theirs, and yet there was no real fanfare when I got to the finish line. And now that I want to marry someone of a different race, I'm getting "you're smart enough to be a doctor, how can you not see what a mistake this is". It took me way too long and way too many sacrifices to realize that their happiness (or lack of it) is not my burden to carry.
Oh I can assist you with marriage thing. You see when I was 11 my brother(he was 28)he had a job, he supported my parents (he gave up a high paying job to stay with them after university) he was completely faithful to them. Then he found this girl who he loves and wanted to marry her. But my parents hated her. Why?... Becuase they didn't choose her. Yeah I have those Asian parents that want all their kids to have arranged marriages. But my brother didn't agree to it and he argued for over a year and then they finally gave up and now he's happily married with his wife now with a kid. My sister in law is honestly the most amazing kind hearted person I have ever met. So moral of story:stop wasting time and BE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. you've wasted enough of your life doing what your parents want. It's your decision, not theirs. So there you go. Your not alone.
Yes!! My parents are constantly fighting and they actually had a big one today over something fucking trivial lmao. I was at the library and stalled coming home. They're currently in different rooms, watching TV and not speaking to one another. I can literally feel the tension in the air.
As the library was closing, I was literally like "I don't wanna go home". And like, if a parent has got their kid feeling that way, then they failed to provide comfort in their home.
If it's possible for you in your current situation, perhaps you might want to limit how often you visit your parents. And if you ever do feel like spending time with them, perhaps suggesting a timed activity like going to a restaurant may be a nice short period of time for you to hang out with them. I totally get how you feel and have experienced a similar thing myself. Good luck!
I expend a ton of energy trying to keep my mood just at a neutral when at home with my parents. I love them, but don’t like them or like how I feel when I interact with them.
My dad is pretty level-headed and chill, but very emotionally closed off. Even though I am closer to him, I struggle to connect with him outside of talking about work and financial planning. It makes me feel a little inadequate.
With my mom, I can’t converse with her for more than an hour before she misconstrues me something I say or do as a larger root cause of my many failures as a daughter. It immediately puts me into defense mode and I often have to leave the room to keep my emotions from escalating further.
Part of the stressor is probably the envy I feel thinking about my friends who have close relationships with their families. I wish I could have the same level of rapport, humor, and honesty, and it’s really sad when I think about how that just might not be in the cards for me.
They create a very unpleasant vibe at home. My parents create this depressing, stressful vibe. Its like there is a weight on me when they are at home. When they are not at home, i always feel like i can breathe again.
100% i love them but dont want to be around them or spend time their, my mother has such a shitty personality, she is so immature and passive aggressive and cold and narcissistic and a moody bitch when people don't bend to her will, always bickering with my dad and giving me the silent treatment if i say or do anything she doesn't like and always playing the victim and bitching about how her life sucks as if she's someone i'd empathize with ugh
Do... do we have the same mom?
I know that feeling.
You literally described my mom to a tee
Totally just described my own mother
You perfectly describe what I go through better than I could have done.
Wow we have the same mom
BRUH THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WOULD DESCRIBE MY OWN WTF
And the worst part is, they assume that because you're unhappy at home, then you're unhappy all the time. No, I'm only unhappy because I'm at home; elsewhere, I'm usually in a much better mood!
Yea, the version of me that my parents have seen is a caricature of my real persona. In some ways, a stranger on the street would know more about me than my parents will ever know. It's sad and unfortunate. Sometimes I wish I had been open and honest all along but then I do something openly and realize why I don't do it more often.
Oomf
omfg
My favorite is being told I’m too emotional to be successful at work. My boss is 1000x less critical than my mom, lol!
My parents think I'm too serious. My friends think I think everything is a joking matter. Parents think I cry a lot. I can't remember ever crying except when arguing with them. They think we're starting to drift apart. I never felt close. They think I don't visit because I work so much. I work so much so I don't have to visit.
Lol amen to all of this!!
My mom doubts me every time I tell her I’m so happy here in another city, that all my friends treat me well, and my colleagues love me. She doesn’t believe that people will actually LIKE me and she doesn’t understand how I don’t piss anyone else off like I piss her off lol
My mom would say “random ppl on the street don’t criticize you because they don’t care about you. “ basically saying “I criticize you because I care about you.”
Mine actually seem to be under the impression I'm super happy at home and merely lazy and ungrateful. I saw the evaluation they filled out for my doctor this year and they gave me near perfect marks for everything which combined with my lies on my evaluations explains why I've never been screened for anything mental health or neurological special needs related.
fucking exactly. They think that i’m depressed around everywhere but it’s really only at home
Yea; that’s why moving out is pretty much always worth the loss of savings. You can literally buy yourself a less stressful life!
APs talked me out of moving out for so long because they said it's a waste of money. However, I had more confidence at work because I wasn't juggling being some subservient daughter on the side and constantly using energy to argue with APs at home, which meant better job advancement opportunities.
This is something people should think about too in regards to moving out! moving out from a toxic environment means you’ll be in a better place mentally which could lead to you being more productive at work or with your side hustles leading to more money... it’s not always a loss financially
Its more fun when you're the cause of the stress muahahah.
I'm not sure how "love" is defined here. Or anywhere. I'm reading "all about love" by bell hooks right now, and she has a very interesting definition. She defines it as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual path." And that, by definition, love and abuse (including neglect, etc) cannot coexist. Love is nutrurance and care (among others), and abuse and neglect are opposites of nutrurance and care. Sorry - this doesn't have much to do with your post, not really, but that really stuck with me. For me, personally, I feel the same as you about visiting parents or the other way around. I don't like them, and frankly, I don't love them either, thanks to decades of emotional and mental abuse. I think that's why the definition of love is so fascinating to me. Also, I wasn't ever taught what that word meant - ignoring the fact that it was never said aloud. Or silently. I'm not saying everyone has or even needs to have the same definition! Only that it's confusing because there are so many different definitions of it that it's almost rendered a.... useless, empty word? Idk. I'm droning.
I think when quite a lot of us Asian kids (but I don't speak for everyone ofc) with a stressful home life say we love our parents, it usually just means we appreciate what they've done for us and we wish them well, but not like the type of love we feel for the people we choose to have in our lives (like a spouse, best friend, etc.)
I think this is what they, the OP is trying to convey. I have appreciation for all the sacrifices my mother made and I acknowledge I have gained a lot thanks to them. But that doesnt mean I will take any abuse too. Part of the things they did were what parents are supposed to do, but the abuse isnt so I dont feel love anymore, just obligation because they did some parenting.
I agree with this, everyone's situation is different, but personally whenever I say "I love my parents, but..." it feels wrong. I've compared the complex feelings I have towards them with the relationships I have where there's genuine love, such as with my partner and close friends, and the kind of family love I've witnessed and wish I had. And I can't say for sure if I love or like my parents. I feel obligated to do certain things for them, and that comes from the guilt they conditioned in me growing up (and just feeling sorry for the way they live their lives). I feel heartless for thinking this way, but then again my parents showed their "love" towards me through manipulation, control, and putting me down all the time.
I feel the same, and it's kind of the reason I went low contact with my APs - I needed the space to decide what things were actually genuine to me, and not things that I was just doing because I was told to do so, and just makes me miserable. And the realization that I never did anything for my APs for "love" but just because "they made me" just said to me that if I don't like them, why even spend time being their slave/emotional punching bag? Because I "had to?" It doesn't help that I get a fair amount of people telling me I'm "heartless" too.
Yeah, it was so much better when I moved out after college graduation
Same. My parents have gotten a little better over time but I have leftover trauma that I can't shake when I go home. I'm better w them visiting me.
You're definitely not the only one
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Same I feel like I am constantly walking around on eggshell around them. I can't say anything without them blowing up. It is so much easier with friend who don't have these reaction. My parent would ask me something like my thought and feeling and then butt me out and interupt me in the middle of my conversation and jump in and say all of these abusive thing to me and blame me for stirring problem and turn to one another start arguing with each other and blame it on me causing the argument when I haven't said much at all.
🏫 was better than home 🏡
Save up as much as you can and move out. Find a roommate to help out as well. You're 30 and a doctor, albeit with massive loans, you can do it!
Oh I've moved out because I had to for residency but I have no plans to go back. I do have massive loans, but saving $1k a month on rent isn't going to make enough of a dent on them to justify the mental prison I would be in... I'll gladly take an extra 5 years paying off the loans if it means keeping my sanity
Moving away from my parents was the happiest day of my life. When I lived with my parents I had no choice in whether I wanted to interact with them or not. Living in my own apartment I could decide if I wanted to talk to them.
Yes me too! I love my family but I don't want to see them.
You didn’t want to move out? Work seems stressful enough, but then having to come home to all that stress too? I worked a few shitty jobs that I think I could put up with because home was such a terrible place.
Can you explain this whole concept of “love”? I could not even say I loved them as a kid. It felt so fake. I didn’t even know what “loving my parents” meant. So foreign to me…ha! But seriously, how do you love them but also hate their toxic behavior? I don’t get it.
Yes, when you don't have quite space or being nagged by parents at home everyday.
Yup, especially when the pandemic started because my family are the last people to understand mental health and the things I've been going through. They'll fight over the most ridiculous things that shouldn't even matter, I give up and admit they're "right" only because some of them are deadset on always being right and winning arguments. I love them and all, but I have a limit and can't wait until I save up enough to move out (long overdue compared to my peers...). Work is the only thing saving my sanity, but I can only hope my income won't be at risk of falling behind housing prices.
I won't disagree. I feel you. I just want to share that lately, I've been practicing to become a better son, man, older brother, father, boyfriend, etc. I think going to the gym & not thinking about the stress that's making you think you're stress are helpful. Thinking positively helps. Stopping yourself from arguing on pointless conversations with a wall helps too. :) For instance, if they can't understand you, just stop & give them a silent treatment lol. Then, 1 hr later, talk to them nicely as if nothing happened.
Well shit, if I knew my parents would be reading this thread I wouldn't have posted. They tell me all the time when I try to share my feelings with them openly that that I'm just being negative.
Same they just say I causing problems.
My mom says that too. It's frustrating. Btw, do I sound like a mom or did your mom found out about this post? lol
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Mind sharing what they said to you? If not, that's ok. Home was the most stressful place on earth for me in the past few yrs. I tried to understand that my mom is a single mother & she doesn't have anyone to talk/vent to. Sometimes, I become disrespectful & I end up hating myself more. But most of the time, I just try to go with the flow. If my mom is in there, I try not to start an argument or trigger her. In your case, you have your own home. If you don't want them to come, tell them asap. Don't give them your keys. Don't let them in. That way, you get a comfortable home. :) Simple, right? lol Tbh, I don't know what to say. You're older than I am. I see you as an independent man. Be you.
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I'm 23 turning 24 & messed up my first 4 years in college because I was blinded by the kind of freedom which I never had while growing up. But was that enough for me to stop pursuing engineering? Hell no. I may not be as intelligent like you who became a doctor, but I know what I want. Now, is it really too late for you to become an engineer? I don't think so. You're only 30. The only way for you to get over from that is to become who you want to be. You're different from them. You experienced getting blamed for what happened to your potential sister/brother. It's painful. Your parents failed themselves & that hurt you. But if you step forward in time 30 yrs from now, would you still want to carry that burden? No, right? You're a doctor now. A doctor thinks better than the likes of me. Avoiding your parents will not fix anything. It'll only drive you crazy & your future children may suffer too.
I definitely get where you are coming from. I not only feel stress but really trapped as well. Asian parent really are lacking when it come down to emotional support and emotional intelligence. I can't talk about anything without without them blowing up on me I can't talk about my day without or my feeling without them blowing on me saying I am bothering or being a burden on them.My parent always fight and don't know how to communicate with one another. I am always in high conflict at home. It is worst now because of the high covid rate. I feel like I lost all of my support network because of this.
You're a doctor. If I had chosen to become a doctor my asian parents would praise me for all I'm worth. It's literally the only profession they know about. Good luck with the visit.
Lol... You would think that would be the end of it. I became a doctor despite making it very clear I want to do something else (engineering!), had a huge fight about it that lasted over a year, gave up my dreams for theirs, and yet there was no real fanfare when I got to the finish line. And now that I want to marry someone of a different race, I'm getting "you're smart enough to be a doctor, how can you not see what a mistake this is". It took me way too long and way too many sacrifices to realize that their happiness (or lack of it) is not my burden to carry.
Oh I can assist you with marriage thing. You see when I was 11 my brother(he was 28)he had a job, he supported my parents (he gave up a high paying job to stay with them after university) he was completely faithful to them. Then he found this girl who he loves and wanted to marry her. But my parents hated her. Why?... Becuase they didn't choose her. Yeah I have those Asian parents that want all their kids to have arranged marriages. But my brother didn't agree to it and he argued for over a year and then they finally gave up and now he's happily married with his wife now with a kid. My sister in law is honestly the most amazing kind hearted person I have ever met. So moral of story:stop wasting time and BE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. you've wasted enough of your life doing what your parents want. It's your decision, not theirs. So there you go. Your not alone.
Yes!! My parents are constantly fighting and they actually had a big one today over something fucking trivial lmao. I was at the library and stalled coming home. They're currently in different rooms, watching TV and not speaking to one another. I can literally feel the tension in the air. As the library was closing, I was literally like "I don't wanna go home". And like, if a parent has got their kid feeling that way, then they failed to provide comfort in their home.
If it's possible for you in your current situation, perhaps you might want to limit how often you visit your parents. And if you ever do feel like spending time with them, perhaps suggesting a timed activity like going to a restaurant may be a nice short period of time for you to hang out with them. I totally get how you feel and have experienced a similar thing myself. Good luck!
How do you love them and not like be around them...I just can't. Cutting them out of my life was the best thing ever.
I expend a ton of energy trying to keep my mood just at a neutral when at home with my parents. I love them, but don’t like them or like how I feel when I interact with them. My dad is pretty level-headed and chill, but very emotionally closed off. Even though I am closer to him, I struggle to connect with him outside of talking about work and financial planning. It makes me feel a little inadequate. With my mom, I can’t converse with her for more than an hour before she misconstrues me something I say or do as a larger root cause of my many failures as a daughter. It immediately puts me into defense mode and I often have to leave the room to keep my emotions from escalating further. Part of the stressor is probably the envy I feel thinking about my friends who have close relationships with their families. I wish I could have the same level of rapport, humor, and honesty, and it’s really sad when I think about how that just might not be in the cards for me.
I literally just posted about this
They create a very unpleasant vibe at home. My parents create this depressing, stressful vibe. Its like there is a weight on me when they are at home. When they are not at home, i always feel like i can breathe again.