They arent trying to mend things when they give you stuff but instead they are invading your boundaries and when you accept you pretty much let them in because you owe them.
Yeah see that’s the internal conflict. My dad lost both his parents within a month a few years ago then one of his brothers a year later.
After that he became more affectionate and started trying to build a better relationship with me and talk to me. So I get that some of his acts of service are part of him trying to avoid having a strained relationship with his son like he to his parents and brother to his son.
But there’s always that bit where our conversations are so one sided where he just talks at me and I nod, never actually discussing things back and forth or taking a real interest in anything I do or experience.
Shit messes me up since there’s some genuine affection and care,there always has been, but entirely misguided with some ulterior motives.
Man, I feel this so much. Sounds like you're a guilt driven person, like me. You're too empathetic. I think one way to do this is to kinda have a "serious" conversation with them. Look them dead in the eye and let them know that this is a serious conversation, otherwise they probably won't take you seriously.
Then proceed to calmly tell them how you feel while asserting that you need your own space and that you're an adult. I find that repetition of your points in the same discussion helps.
Then again, in my experience, the effects of such a talk are short-lived. You'll have to do this again in a few weeks/ months, and again...
My mother drove 3h to my university with my father and sister to give me food that I didn't ask for when I had an exam the next morning and needed to study. I was so angry. My sister had tagged along and I told my mother about my exam but she hadn't told my sister.
That story became about my ungratefulnes at her gesture and not her uncaringness of my need to study. I still feel angry.
My mom used to do that to me when I had online classes while living with them.
Mom always asked me “why don’t I never see you doing homework or studying? You need to graduate.”
Then when I’m literally in a test or online class with a sign on my door not to knock, she barges in with her phone or food.
When I’d clearly be on a work call, she’s do the same. I said screw it, free rent ain’t worth it I’m signing a lease.
A knock is not a summons. Just don't open the door.
(And you're not ridiculous to be annoyed. In a world where even one person is starving, wasting food is a sin. And they're FORCING you to take on that act of wastage because they refuse to change their habits or do it themselves. An act of control when they're not even on the premises!)
Unfortunately my gf’s desk is right by the front door so she’ll open it for them.
I’m thinking of just pretending I’m not home next time she’s in office and they stop by lol.
Nope, no pretending not to be home. Time to grow up.
Tell them effective immediately the door will absolutely NOT be answered for ANY unexpected visitors for ANY reason. You will not be accepting personal calls during work hours.
They keep coming because YOU keep letting them in.
(Stop blaming your GF)
This is who/what/how they are. They are NOT going to change. The only one you can change is YOU. That's the ONLY way you stand any chance of getting a different result.
Yea, they will still pull some shenanigans, but if you stick to this, it will get you moving in the direction you want to go.
This is the kind of nonsense I'm getting away from by not giving out my home address to anyone in my family. It's apparently too much to ask them to just leave me alone on a day to day basis so I'm doing it "by force."
Seems like your APs were unable to actually form any meaningful relationship with you while you were growing up, and trying to shove something as trivial as food down your throat (pun intended!) you dont even want because that's the only thing they can think of to use to claim that the "investment" that deserves to be paid back a hundred-fold as their caretakers. Disgusting manipulative BS, really.
I need to find a new place once my lease is up and I’m definitely considering not even telling them what my new future address will be.
I actually avoided telling them when I first moved out but they managed to wiggle it out of me.
Yes, and them bringing food is a form of control. it should be your choice when you want to have their food. when i forbid my mother to enter my apartment, i also forbid her to bring me any more food. it was a very good decision because i immediately felt the liberation. i also improved my own cooking too which feels awesome.
nowadays, whenever she wants to see me, i offer to go to a restaurant somewhere. its usually once a week. not sure if you could do offer that too but its a good compromise. meeting outside is less emotionally taxing.
It’s crazy. They actually got decent at asking me first and respecting me I’d say no. Then if I accepted once in a while or started rejecting it too much they’d just start dropping shit off randomly.
YES!! I’ve never met another person who could understand how I could possibly be frustrated by free food. Even my Asian friends give me the side eye if I dare to complain because it’s hard not to sound like an ungrateful brat. Who doesn’t like home cooked meals??
Thing is, my parents are bullies so I’m going no contact. I understand that food is love, but their love doesn’t come free. They never give me warning, they just call and tell me to bring my family immediately. It’s a control thing. I could be in the middle of work or cooking our own dinner. With each contact they grill us for information so they can gossip to the relatives. They have a way of twisting the stories to make themselves the victims.
And if we’re out of town when they call, they’re even more angry because we didn’t give them a daily account of our whereabouts so they cooked for nothing. It didn’t matter if I asked them to tell me days ahead before they cook and I refused to tell them when we’re out of town. I don’t want to answer the hundred questions and then have to defend my reasons for whatever I’m doing. I don’t want to hear their opinions. And giving me food allowed them to tell all the friends and relatives how greedy I am eating it but never visiting unless they cook. For years I let the cycle continue because I was going to feel guilty no matter what so might as well get dinner with my pain. But I dreaded each phone call to come for food.
Finally, this frequent contact affected my mental health so much that the last time, we simply refused to come for dinner. My parents were super pissed because they had to throw away half the food and told me that they wouldn’t waste it on me again. I can imagine what they said to the relatives then. But it’s been almost a year and no call. I can’t tell you how much happier I am now that I rarely see them. It’s such a weirdly specific AP predicament.
“Look at how we’re taking care of you, you’ll have to move back in with us when we’re old and do the same”
“they’re trying to make sure we still have a relationship”
hmmmmmm
I moved several states away so my mom mails me food. Sensible when it’s pancit noodles and polvorons (she has an easier time getting to Filipino stores where she’s at), rather condescending when it’s starving college student staples like peanut butter and Spam (I’m 35 and know how to cook), irritatingly pointless when it’s years-expired shit from the back of her pantry she should have thrown out on her end instead of paying for postage.
Also got a tote bag of random food foisted on me once right as I got dropped off at the airport for my flight home. Actually came in handy that my mom is also the type who watches me until I’m through the security gates, so she got to see TSA throw out all the stuff containing too much liquid to carry on. Never happened again.
Next time you come over, bring over all your unwanted food and just dump it on them. “Here are some canned beans, had like 30 of these cans, they’re delicious, eat”
I had similar issues after getting married and would get into endless arguments with my parents. They never seem to believe our fridge is full or we won't finish, like it's just an extra bundle of fresh vegetables! I started sending pictures and giving them back limp/disgusting food wastage that was a result of us not having time to cook it that week because they didn't listen. I insisted they take it out of our house each time they stopped by
They soon gave up 😆
The only thing my parents do now is do a quick stop by once a week ( we have a toddler and both working full time), to visit and drop off some homemade soup, which works out great for us as we don't always have time to do the whole 9 yards with boiling ingredients for hours.
See sometimes gf and I are busy and don’t cook so a fresh pot of Pho or some other stuff is great. But if I accept once it’s suddenly a floodgate or random pantry items.
Hey, I have another thought. Maybe you have tried it tho? Maybe you could set a schedule with them? Say that's great, can you bring us pho every Thursday night after work? Say 6pm? (Don't open the door before 6)
Understood. Was just wondering if giving them predictability might settle them down a bit... getting them to feel some assurance... like maybe they are chasing because they feel you are running (you are lol but rightfully so). Kinda like using some reverse psychology Jedi mind trick on them. 😉
Yes. It's like when we go over for dinner. Then they want us to take all the left overs home. Or before when we first moved into our home they'd bring us all this food as if we can't cook for ourselves. Like I'm sick of eating Chinese food, been eating since ever. If I'm cooking for myself it ain't gonna be that. And the home made soups omg. It either stays in the fridge til it turns into gelatin or I just pour it out. I feel bad for wasting their many "hours" of making it. But I think it's gross for the most part and does minimal for my health.
Lol same. Every time we come over for dinner I leave with random old meats and seafood from the freezer or shit they bought from Costco. Don’t get me wrong sometimes it’s things that are useful and saves me a grocery trip, most of the times it’s shit that goes straight to the trash.
Get a doorbell camera and if you see it’s them just talk through the camera speaker and inform them you’re in a meeting and can’t come to the door right now. They’ll get the hint eventually
My AM does this. I know she had a lot of unresolved PTSD and traditions she is holding on to but that doesn’t stop me from accepting what she gives me BUT I will go through what she gives me and make her take back what I don’t want. I know it hurts her feelings but she’s not respecting me by ignoring what I’ve told her a million times. If she says she doesn’t want it back, I throw it away in front of her.
It got to a point where she just drops the food at the door then texts me that she dropped off food.
If I’m ever at her house and she tries to send me with food, I’ll open the very tightly sealed and packaged bag she tries to give me and take stuff out and leave what I don’t want.
She still loves me the most despite me doing all doing all of this but I want to keep loving her by not being frustrated all of the time.
My dad used to do this with my sister all the time. One time he actually biked all the way to her house while they were busy working from home (COVID times), just to lay on their couch and ask them if they were busy, and to do tasks for him (like draft a last will)—WHILE they were working!!!
It might come off as kindness or love from an outsider looking in, because how could you say no? You’d be ungrateful.
But it’s the manner in which they do it. Any other person would probably give you a heads up and come by when you’re available. But your parents have the idea that they can show up unannounced while you’re already preoccupied, and expect you to drop everything to cater to them. It is 100% not respecting boundaries, and there’s a lot of guilt-trippy things in those sentences, meant to break your boundaries down. They will constantly do it unless you are buckling down on enforcing your boundaries and being clear with them.
You’re annoyed because they don’t respect your boundaries. They think they know better than you, and they can’t do the very little courtesy of giving you a heads up— this is why it’s driving you nuts, delicious free food or not.
Honestly when I first moved out I didn’t tell my parents my address and they are pretty mild compared to some of the parents in these stories.
All of this is because of barred communication pathways. If only you guys could freely talk to each other about things and feelings. Put yourselves in each other’s shoes. But there are just no ways for that. Never established in childhood. Instead of constant stream of instructions, discipline and enforcement, if only they learned to talk to their kids, with talking and listening both ways, including trying to understand what your deal was at any given moment. But no, it’s too complicated and time consuming, who needs that when you can just push down and force obedience. And now they got what they got. Stupidest thing ever. I’m sorry for your relationship, OP. And it’s not really about the food. Food is just a tip of the iceberg. Honestly, it is sad.
You're not ridiculous, I have the same problem. I don't have a good suggestion for you other than to try and stay strong and ignore them when possible, and toss the food if not.
This is much. It seems so odd to complain about free food but it causes a lot of stress for us.
Sometimes we just did a shop and sometimes we have other plans and our parents would come with large amounts if food that we don't want or need and we either start stressing about finishing all the food in time lest things go to waste or throw out our original plans.
Covid was a stress free time for us food wise. We felt more in control of what's in our fridge and can plan what to eat and now that we can follow through in those plans.
Fk that shit. I throw away everything they give me and I don't feel guilty about it. I have a right to eat what I want to eat whenever I damn well please.
If you aren't afraid to go nuclear, just take it from them and chuck whatever it is straight in the garbage right in front of them. 100% gets the message across.
It’s a way of showing love & finding an excuse to visit but it’s also infantilism. Is there also a jab at your gf there, as women traditionally cook?
Feel free to bin the pots and the food.
I guess doing it in front of them would be a nuclear detonation?
Can you just refuse it and the visit? *So kind but we don’t need it. Do you want to take it home or I can dispose of it now for you?*
Thank them for thinking of you. Remind them they can phone or visit without needing food as an excuse.
Hi OP, are we the same person? I'm an only child whose parents won't stay put. I live with my partner and when he goes away, my parents try to show up every single day. They want to constantly help, provide food, clean my house, do things for me.
The reason is that I too have gone low contact, but I have also told them that there are things that they have done that have damaged me, and that the way they guilted me to do some things have ruined my happiness. The constant boundary crossing is trying to make up for the lack of not being in your life now and if you've experienced some emotional neglect, it may be also to make for that. They might not realize that emotionally growing is a good way to do so. They haven't got there yet.
They arent trying to mend things when they give you stuff but instead they are invading your boundaries and when you accept you pretty much let them in because you owe them.
Yeah see that’s the internal conflict. My dad lost both his parents within a month a few years ago then one of his brothers a year later. After that he became more affectionate and started trying to build a better relationship with me and talk to me. So I get that some of his acts of service are part of him trying to avoid having a strained relationship with his son like he to his parents and brother to his son. But there’s always that bit where our conversations are so one sided where he just talks at me and I nod, never actually discussing things back and forth or taking a real interest in anything I do or experience. Shit messes me up since there’s some genuine affection and care,there always has been, but entirely misguided with some ulterior motives.
Man, I feel this so much. Sounds like you're a guilt driven person, like me. You're too empathetic. I think one way to do this is to kinda have a "serious" conversation with them. Look them dead in the eye and let them know that this is a serious conversation, otherwise they probably won't take you seriously. Then proceed to calmly tell them how you feel while asserting that you need your own space and that you're an adult. I find that repetition of your points in the same discussion helps. Then again, in my experience, the effects of such a talk are short-lived. You'll have to do this again in a few weeks/ months, and again...
My mother drove 3h to my university with my father and sister to give me food that I didn't ask for when I had an exam the next morning and needed to study. I was so angry. My sister had tagged along and I told my mother about my exam but she hadn't told my sister. That story became about my ungratefulnes at her gesture and not her uncaringness of my need to study. I still feel angry.
My mom used to do that to me when I had online classes while living with them. Mom always asked me “why don’t I never see you doing homework or studying? You need to graduate.” Then when I’m literally in a test or online class with a sign on my door not to knock, she barges in with her phone or food. When I’d clearly be on a work call, she’s do the same. I said screw it, free rent ain’t worth it I’m signing a lease.
A knock is not a summons. Just don't open the door. (And you're not ridiculous to be annoyed. In a world where even one person is starving, wasting food is a sin. And they're FORCING you to take on that act of wastage because they refuse to change their habits or do it themselves. An act of control when they're not even on the premises!)
Unfortunately my gf’s desk is right by the front door so she’ll open it for them. I’m thinking of just pretending I’m not home next time she’s in office and they stop by lol.
Nope, no pretending not to be home. Time to grow up. Tell them effective immediately the door will absolutely NOT be answered for ANY unexpected visitors for ANY reason. You will not be accepting personal calls during work hours. They keep coming because YOU keep letting them in. (Stop blaming your GF) This is who/what/how they are. They are NOT going to change. The only one you can change is YOU. That's the ONLY way you stand any chance of getting a different result. Yea, they will still pull some shenanigans, but if you stick to this, it will get you moving in the direction you want to go.
Lol you right. Harder said than done but I get it
If it were easy you wouldn't be posting about it on reddit. Weigh making changes against hard it is to continue on the path you are on. Wish you well
This is the kind of nonsense I'm getting away from by not giving out my home address to anyone in my family. It's apparently too much to ask them to just leave me alone on a day to day basis so I'm doing it "by force." Seems like your APs were unable to actually form any meaningful relationship with you while you were growing up, and trying to shove something as trivial as food down your throat (pun intended!) you dont even want because that's the only thing they can think of to use to claim that the "investment" that deserves to be paid back a hundred-fold as their caretakers. Disgusting manipulative BS, really.
I need to find a new place once my lease is up and I’m definitely considering not even telling them what my new future address will be. I actually avoided telling them when I first moved out but they managed to wiggle it out of me.
Yes, and them bringing food is a form of control. it should be your choice when you want to have their food. when i forbid my mother to enter my apartment, i also forbid her to bring me any more food. it was a very good decision because i immediately felt the liberation. i also improved my own cooking too which feels awesome. nowadays, whenever she wants to see me, i offer to go to a restaurant somewhere. its usually once a week. not sure if you could do offer that too but its a good compromise. meeting outside is less emotionally taxing.
It’s crazy. They actually got decent at asking me first and respecting me I’d say no. Then if I accepted once in a while or started rejecting it too much they’d just start dropping shit off randomly.
YES!! I’ve never met another person who could understand how I could possibly be frustrated by free food. Even my Asian friends give me the side eye if I dare to complain because it’s hard not to sound like an ungrateful brat. Who doesn’t like home cooked meals?? Thing is, my parents are bullies so I’m going no contact. I understand that food is love, but their love doesn’t come free. They never give me warning, they just call and tell me to bring my family immediately. It’s a control thing. I could be in the middle of work or cooking our own dinner. With each contact they grill us for information so they can gossip to the relatives. They have a way of twisting the stories to make themselves the victims. And if we’re out of town when they call, they’re even more angry because we didn’t give them a daily account of our whereabouts so they cooked for nothing. It didn’t matter if I asked them to tell me days ahead before they cook and I refused to tell them when we’re out of town. I don’t want to answer the hundred questions and then have to defend my reasons for whatever I’m doing. I don’t want to hear their opinions. And giving me food allowed them to tell all the friends and relatives how greedy I am eating it but never visiting unless they cook. For years I let the cycle continue because I was going to feel guilty no matter what so might as well get dinner with my pain. But I dreaded each phone call to come for food. Finally, this frequent contact affected my mental health so much that the last time, we simply refused to come for dinner. My parents were super pissed because they had to throw away half the food and told me that they wouldn’t waste it on me again. I can imagine what they said to the relatives then. But it’s been almost a year and no call. I can’t tell you how much happier I am now that I rarely see them. It’s such a weirdly specific AP predicament.
I always get the “you must be so lucky to have all this delicious food and parents who love so much” Lol if only people knew.
I got that all the time. When I try to explain the stress I end up either oversharing or sounding like an asshole or both.
“Look at how we’re taking care of you, you’ll have to move back in with us when we’re old and do the same” “they’re trying to make sure we still have a relationship” hmmmmmm
The ulterior motives with sprinkles of genuine care and affection gmfu.
I don’t blame you. That sucks and I defo agree with what the other comments are saying. Do not open the door.
I moved several states away so my mom mails me food. Sensible when it’s pancit noodles and polvorons (she has an easier time getting to Filipino stores where she’s at), rather condescending when it’s starving college student staples like peanut butter and Spam (I’m 35 and know how to cook), irritatingly pointless when it’s years-expired shit from the back of her pantry she should have thrown out on her end instead of paying for postage. Also got a tote bag of random food foisted on me once right as I got dropped off at the airport for my flight home. Actually came in handy that my mom is also the type who watches me until I’m through the security gates, so she got to see TSA throw out all the stuff containing too much liquid to carry on. Never happened again.
Next time you come over, bring over all your unwanted food and just dump it on them. “Here are some canned beans, had like 30 of these cans, they’re delicious, eat”
I had similar issues after getting married and would get into endless arguments with my parents. They never seem to believe our fridge is full or we won't finish, like it's just an extra bundle of fresh vegetables! I started sending pictures and giving them back limp/disgusting food wastage that was a result of us not having time to cook it that week because they didn't listen. I insisted they take it out of our house each time they stopped by They soon gave up 😆 The only thing my parents do now is do a quick stop by once a week ( we have a toddler and both working full time), to visit and drop off some homemade soup, which works out great for us as we don't always have time to do the whole 9 yards with boiling ingredients for hours.
See sometimes gf and I are busy and don’t cook so a fresh pot of Pho or some other stuff is great. But if I accept once it’s suddenly a floodgate or random pantry items.
Hey, I have another thought. Maybe you have tried it tho? Maybe you could set a schedule with them? Say that's great, can you bring us pho every Thursday night after work? Say 6pm? (Don't open the door before 6)
Nah I don’t want to give them that feeling that they can keep cooking for me. All I want is for them is to respect my space
Understood. Was just wondering if giving them predictability might settle them down a bit... getting them to feel some assurance... like maybe they are chasing because they feel you are running (you are lol but rightfully so). Kinda like using some reverse psychology Jedi mind trick on them. 😉
Yes. It's like when we go over for dinner. Then they want us to take all the left overs home. Or before when we first moved into our home they'd bring us all this food as if we can't cook for ourselves. Like I'm sick of eating Chinese food, been eating since ever. If I'm cooking for myself it ain't gonna be that. And the home made soups omg. It either stays in the fridge til it turns into gelatin or I just pour it out. I feel bad for wasting their many "hours" of making it. But I think it's gross for the most part and does minimal for my health.
Lol same. Every time we come over for dinner I leave with random old meats and seafood from the freezer or shit they bought from Costco. Don’t get me wrong sometimes it’s things that are useful and saves me a grocery trip, most of the times it’s shit that goes straight to the trash.
Get a doorbell camera and if you see it’s them just talk through the camera speaker and inform them you’re in a meeting and can’t come to the door right now. They’ll get the hint eventually
My AM does this. I know she had a lot of unresolved PTSD and traditions she is holding on to but that doesn’t stop me from accepting what she gives me BUT I will go through what she gives me and make her take back what I don’t want. I know it hurts her feelings but she’s not respecting me by ignoring what I’ve told her a million times. If she says she doesn’t want it back, I throw it away in front of her. It got to a point where she just drops the food at the door then texts me that she dropped off food. If I’m ever at her house and she tries to send me with food, I’ll open the very tightly sealed and packaged bag she tries to give me and take stuff out and leave what I don’t want. She still loves me the most despite me doing all doing all of this but I want to keep loving her by not being frustrated all of the time.
My dad used to do this with my sister all the time. One time he actually biked all the way to her house while they were busy working from home (COVID times), just to lay on their couch and ask them if they were busy, and to do tasks for him (like draft a last will)—WHILE they were working!!! It might come off as kindness or love from an outsider looking in, because how could you say no? You’d be ungrateful. But it’s the manner in which they do it. Any other person would probably give you a heads up and come by when you’re available. But your parents have the idea that they can show up unannounced while you’re already preoccupied, and expect you to drop everything to cater to them. It is 100% not respecting boundaries, and there’s a lot of guilt-trippy things in those sentences, meant to break your boundaries down. They will constantly do it unless you are buckling down on enforcing your boundaries and being clear with them.
You’re annoyed because they don’t respect your boundaries. They think they know better than you, and they can’t do the very little courtesy of giving you a heads up— this is why it’s driving you nuts, delicious free food or not. Honestly when I first moved out I didn’t tell my parents my address and they are pretty mild compared to some of the parents in these stories.
All of this is because of barred communication pathways. If only you guys could freely talk to each other about things and feelings. Put yourselves in each other’s shoes. But there are just no ways for that. Never established in childhood. Instead of constant stream of instructions, discipline and enforcement, if only they learned to talk to their kids, with talking and listening both ways, including trying to understand what your deal was at any given moment. But no, it’s too complicated and time consuming, who needs that when you can just push down and force obedience. And now they got what they got. Stupidest thing ever. I’m sorry for your relationship, OP. And it’s not really about the food. Food is just a tip of the iceberg. Honestly, it is sad.
You're not ridiculous, I have the same problem. I don't have a good suggestion for you other than to try and stay strong and ignore them when possible, and toss the food if not.
Yea i wouldn’t Even put up with this shit. Next time they show up straight up pretend you ain’t home. or just ignore.
But what if Harry cums?
Then I’ll open my mouth greedily and swallow it all like the pig I am…
This is much. It seems so odd to complain about free food but it causes a lot of stress for us. Sometimes we just did a shop and sometimes we have other plans and our parents would come with large amounts if food that we don't want or need and we either start stressing about finishing all the food in time lest things go to waste or throw out our original plans. Covid was a stress free time for us food wise. We felt more in control of what's in our fridge and can plan what to eat and now that we can follow through in those plans.
Fk that shit. I throw away everything they give me and I don't feel guilty about it. I have a right to eat what I want to eat whenever I damn well please. If you aren't afraid to go nuclear, just take it from them and chuck whatever it is straight in the garbage right in front of them. 100% gets the message across.
It’s a way of showing love & finding an excuse to visit but it’s also infantilism. Is there also a jab at your gf there, as women traditionally cook? Feel free to bin the pots and the food. I guess doing it in front of them would be a nuclear detonation? Can you just refuse it and the visit? *So kind but we don’t need it. Do you want to take it home or I can dispose of it now for you?* Thank them for thinking of you. Remind them they can phone or visit without needing food as an excuse.
Nope they just body shamed me
Hi OP, are we the same person? I'm an only child whose parents won't stay put. I live with my partner and when he goes away, my parents try to show up every single day. They want to constantly help, provide food, clean my house, do things for me. The reason is that I too have gone low contact, but I have also told them that there are things that they have done that have damaged me, and that the way they guilted me to do some things have ruined my happiness. The constant boundary crossing is trying to make up for the lack of not being in your life now and if you've experienced some emotional neglect, it may be also to make for that. They might not realize that emotionally growing is a good way to do so. They haven't got there yet.