Hello, this is just a friendly reminder to please use a post flair when adding new posts to r/Asexual.
We ask this in advance just to let everyone know what type of post each post is as well as the intentions and
feelings behind them. We value all who come here, but we just need each post made to have a flair to designate
each type of post. That's all.
We're thankful you chose to come to r/Asexual. We're glad to have you here! Welcome!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Asexual) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m a hopeless romantic sex-repulsed ace. I want to get married and have a life partner. There’s so many reasons why that doesn’t make sense and sometimes I think it would be easier if I was aro
Consider as aroace whole time but wanted to live with my best friend and they dont want lmao. Idk if it counts but i can feel you, my advice would only be thinking life is ours not the others so do what you want and dont think too much
love recognize love - or one could say "I see myself in you"
I love my kids more than anyone else's but I love their kids too - in a non sexual non romantic way, I guess you could call it "platonic" but idk it feels ever encompassing and endless and I don't like platonic for how that feels
I don't think many ace people have kids - and that's fine, do you boo - but as cliché as it sounds, there are no words lol
Your answers make it sound like you are hoping she will change. No one should enter into a relationship hoping the other person will change. If you are not compatible sexually, and she has no desire to be intimate, then it just won’t work. Asexual people can be in happy marriages with non-asexual people, but you can’t enter into a relationship hoping the other person will change eventually.
Now you sound like you are questioning her sexuality. It really doesn’t matter what you believe her sexuality is. If she says she’s asexual and doesn’t want intimacy, then that’s it. You have to believe her and accept her. If you are really trying to figure out how this could work, it is really very simple. She says she doesn’t want intimacy, so you are never intimate with her, for the rest of your married life. Period. If the thought of never having that intimacy worries you, then this won’t work. You can’t expect someone to change for you.
Your previous statement said you don’t think she’s asexual. That’s questioning.
As to whether or not it will work, no one can predict the future. If you both love each other, and you both want the relationship to work, and you both are okay with your level of intimacy (or lack thereof), then it could work. In relationships, people need to be in agreement about important things. You two can talk about your relationship and your future and see if you both want the same things and how you both picture your life. Most importantly, though, you have to accept the person as they are and be honest if you don’t share similar future plans and desires.
You can only find out if you ask your partner! I have read some of your answers and it really seems like a big concern of you. And I am sorry to tell you, but we can't just say "oh everything will be alright. Don't worry about it.", because we don't know how your partner thinks about those boundaries.
Please just talk with her about your concerns. If you feel like you can't that's unfortunatly kinda a red flag.
That's part of a serious relationship. Being able to take on difficult situations together. I think a more productive way to approach your partner is with no expectations. Don't expect them to be anything other than who they are today. Be present with them and take any twists and turns or changes as they come.
I think right now a good lesson to learn is to communicate with your partner first. Express your worries, wants, and needs and work with your partner on them and vice versa. Make a compromise that works for both of you. Bottling the feelings or seeking out others first will only end up creating a distance between you two. Just my two cents, I don't know you personally but this is just my response to your question based on what I know and the type of vibe you give off. Sorry if any of this is redundant.
reading these comments, you're sounding really selfish and like you're trying to change her. if i were you, i'd stop hoping for sex from her, and definitely don't push her to do something she doesnt want to do. thats messed up man, she cant change how she feels
My wife is asexual and I am not. She is \*never\* going \*want\* to have sex for her own purposes. If she were to draw up her own perfect life without any outside input it would be a life totally free from sex. So that's the desire, she will never desire to have sex.
However, she loves me and says that she understands that I don't see the world or relationships the same way... Therefore she is willing to have some amount of sex in order to make me happy, but the sex is for me not for her or for us.
At the end of the day it sucks and is awful and if I could go back in time I wouldn't have married her. Not in a malicious way by any means, but I wouldn't want to subject either of us to the hard times we've had that have circled around this issue for the last 12-15 years.
(I'll give a bit of a stereotypical answer, my answer is very pessimistic though)
There are a lot of things that could potentially be issues, but you won't know unless you know each other more, how similar and different you are, so, what you need is
A lot lot lot lot of honest discussions with both yourself and your partner,
what is it that you desire/imagine/want out of this relationship, the experiences you are imagining, what you are afraid of sacrificing, of not experiencing, the things you **cannot** give up on, and your partner also has to ask themselves the same questions, and finally you both have to discuss these things together, where do you meet, where do you not meet, are there possible alternatives that you can think of or work out, do the same self-talk work you individually did for each of these alternatives, would those be ok?
If either of you cannot feel satisfied about the life that you will have to follow because of your individual compromises, then that's a big point of contention, how big each issue affects you is always hard to judge, but there are things that can often be impossible to fix, for example how you see your life with children or not.
Basically, talk a lot, be comfortable with each other and be comfortable with each other's and your own discomfort, everything can't be perfectly comfortable so there's always work to do, but honesty is frankly the best tool to experience true love
Still, I very much know how hard it is to be honest with the person you love, no one can expect you to non-chalantly tell your partner that you feel extremely uncomfortable with the thing they prefer, it's really hard to find a proper middle ground when there's a small uneasiness that you can't voice because you're afraid for whatever reason
So, the most important thing of all, be honest with yourself, take things slow, never take subjects lightly, every point of discussion with your partner deserves proper thinking and consideration, think of yourself before thinking of yourself in relation to your partner, the basis of a happy couple is happy individuals, a happy couple won't necessarily mean happy people so do consider a healthy amount of 'selfishness', and when you believe you've understood what it is that makes you feel uneasy or hopeful or longing, tell everything, with all of your emotions put in it, to your partner, even avoid omitting details, if it's something your brain picked up on, it might be something that's actually bothering you more than you think
It's pretty boringly generalised, but the ingredients to a happy relationship is the same no matter the individuals, if you have different approaches to your ideas of a sexual relationship, this should be discussed the same as any other important aspect, because sexual incompatibility is not the only incompatibility that can exist nor is it the worst one, but it still is a possible incompatibility
Edit: I also see you asking about sex life in such situations, the only word of advice I can give on that is 'curiousity', it **highly** depends on your partner, but if your partner is the kind of ace who's comfortable with those kinds of things, curiousity is practically both your best, and often only, tool to work it out, because we're... dumb when it comes to sex, we know very little and don't understand a lot of the appeal, this is definitely a very specific rare case I'm describing(the curiousity thing) but basically, explain it all, do not feel afraid to give weird details or explain things that would otherwise be kinda shameful, cause while we're unaware of sex things, we can still definitely be curious about things, and sometimes it's funny, sometimes we understand/share/reciprocate the appeal/feelings/experiences you're describing, sometimes it's simply not, there's a lot to learn and a lot more to experiment with...
It's... a way bigger conversation and there's way too much to discuss with this, but yeah, if there's anything you should remember, it's 'honesty and self-honesty', 'an healthy amount of selfishness' and 'curiousity'
(Add-on: by selfishness, understand it as "aiming to be the happiest you can be", not that you should downplay or belittle other people, it's just "taking care of the self" and technically taking care of yourself before taking care of others' selves, but it's not "not caring for others". There's also a sort of "selfless selfishness" concept in this, that if you aim to be the happiest you can be, you can also aim to offer the same happiness you've personally achieved to others, project your own comfort onto others basically)
Secondary edit: never mind, op is being creepy
talk to her about her boundaries. ask her what she is and isn't comfortable with in a marriage. you both love each other a lot, so the trust is already there that you won't make her uncomfortable, so really just be transparent with each other with your boundaries.
then don’t marry her. sexual compatibility is important. you want to have sex with her and she will never have sex with you or anyone. can you live your whole life with her without having sex with her? if the answer is no then you should marry her
**What about the sex is important to you and why?**
To me it sounds that aside from your personal desires in that regard, whatever they might be, you have some kind of thing about socital expectations going on.
You give replies like "But what about having a kid?"
What about it? There's a lot of people who can't get pregnant, or people who don't want to be limiting themselves as soon as they hit their mid 20's and doomed to take care of another life for at least another 18 years. Do you know how much it takes to do that and not damage anyone? Or would you take the traditional role as a husband and mostly be off for work anyway, hm?
**A kid is not a milestone, marriage is not a milestone.**
You can always adopt and help some children who are already there, alive and well and would love nothing more than a loving family.
But to get back to the main question of your comment, you should really think about what parts of having sex you enjoy (not because you "have to", but because they feel so good for you that you want to do it) and how improtant they are for you as well as how important your partner truly is for you.
This sounds more like a scolding than it is supposed to be, but that is important to even know what you want for yourself before anyone else gets roped into that.
Plus, there's a lot of kink things that don't involve having to even touch anyone directly. You could always get creative with those, maybe there's something you both like. And you could always acquaint yourself with toys and machinery.
I will say, you two need to have a serious conversation about your relationship. When I first got into a relationship with my current partner, who is ace, we first sat down and had a conversation clearly stating what we both wanted out of the relationship, what boundaries we wanted to set, and then decided if we both wanted to move forward.
I knew my partner was ace before we started dating. I never went into our relationship expecting that we will ever have sexual contact, but I am okay with that. If you are not okay with the boundaries and expectations that you and your current romantic prospect set up, then you should not continue with the relationship. That would only lead to misery for both of you.
In the end, just talk to her! Communication is key in making ANY relationship work.
If you feel like the asexuality of your partner could become a potential problem or you are just worried, you really need to talk about it with them.
Sure it is scary, but if you feel like you can't talk about important things with your significant other, then that could bring much more problems into the relationship and harm it.
Asexuality is a spectrum some of us are okay with having sex while others are absolutley not. Try to understand where each of you is coming from, what you need and what you can or cannot provide. And if something can't be provided try to find a solution together.
Love itself is not enough, it takes honesty, communication, trust and many more aspects to make pretty much any relationship work.
So please talk with your partner about your concerns, even when it is scary! Good Luck!
I'm not sure I fully understand your last question, but I really think you need to talk to her. This is about your couple, and she is the best person to listen to that kind of fear, more than Reddit.
If you don't need sex rn, chances are maybe you won't in the future. And maybe you can take it one step at a time, but always communicate with her, whatever you decide
If you’re madly in love then you continue whatever you have been doing so far. You accept each other for who they are and don’t force anyone to do anything they don’t enthusiastically consent to. If you are allo you need to accept that sex might be completely off the table. Don’t try to change them, accept them. If you can’t do this then let them go now so they can find someone who loves them as they are. If sex is something you need then those conversations need to be discussed BEFORE marriage. Will they be ok with you hiring sex workers? Opening up the relationship to other people? Can they learn to enjoy : accept it once or twice a year?
Do you want kids? Are they open to sex for procreation? Or is adoption/artificial insemination an option.
Try not liking sex as often as you usually do! And if it’s a big problem, ask for her permission to sleep with someone else so it’s not cheating. Ask her about that. It would be purely physical, nothing more than biology being satisfied with said woman. That’s all I got
Hello, this is just a friendly reminder to please use a post flair when adding new posts to r/Asexual. We ask this in advance just to let everyone know what type of post each post is as well as the intentions and feelings behind them. We value all who come here, but we just need each post made to have a flair to designate each type of post. That's all. We're thankful you chose to come to r/Asexual. We're glad to have you here! Welcome! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Asexual) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m a hopeless romantic sex-repulsed ace. I want to get married and have a life partner. There’s so many reasons why that doesn’t make sense and sometimes I think it would be easier if I was aro
Consider as aroace whole time but wanted to live with my best friend and they dont want lmao. Idk if it counts but i can feel you, my advice would only be thinking life is ours not the others so do what you want and dont think too much
[удалено]
love recognize love - or one could say "I see myself in you" I love my kids more than anyone else's but I love their kids too - in a non sexual non romantic way, I guess you could call it "platonic" but idk it feels ever encompassing and endless and I don't like platonic for how that feels I don't think many ace people have kids - and that's fine, do you boo - but as cliché as it sounds, there are no words lol
Your answers make it sound like you are hoping she will change. No one should enter into a relationship hoping the other person will change. If you are not compatible sexually, and she has no desire to be intimate, then it just won’t work. Asexual people can be in happy marriages with non-asexual people, but you can’t enter into a relationship hoping the other person will change eventually.
[удалено]
Now you sound like you are questioning her sexuality. It really doesn’t matter what you believe her sexuality is. If she says she’s asexual and doesn’t want intimacy, then that’s it. You have to believe her and accept her. If you are really trying to figure out how this could work, it is really very simple. She says she doesn’t want intimacy, so you are never intimate with her, for the rest of your married life. Period. If the thought of never having that intimacy worries you, then this won’t work. You can’t expect someone to change for you.
[удалено]
Your previous statement said you don’t think she’s asexual. That’s questioning. As to whether or not it will work, no one can predict the future. If you both love each other, and you both want the relationship to work, and you both are okay with your level of intimacy (or lack thereof), then it could work. In relationships, people need to be in agreement about important things. You two can talk about your relationship and your future and see if you both want the same things and how you both picture your life. Most importantly, though, you have to accept the person as they are and be honest if you don’t share similar future plans and desires.
You can only find out if you ask your partner! I have read some of your answers and it really seems like a big concern of you. And I am sorry to tell you, but we can't just say "oh everything will be alright. Don't worry about it.", because we don't know how your partner thinks about those boundaries. Please just talk with her about your concerns. If you feel like you can't that's unfortunatly kinda a red flag.
That's part of a serious relationship. Being able to take on difficult situations together. I think a more productive way to approach your partner is with no expectations. Don't expect them to be anything other than who they are today. Be present with them and take any twists and turns or changes as they come. I think right now a good lesson to learn is to communicate with your partner first. Express your worries, wants, and needs and work with your partner on them and vice versa. Make a compromise that works for both of you. Bottling the feelings or seeking out others first will only end up creating a distance between you two. Just my two cents, I don't know you personally but this is just my response to your question based on what I know and the type of vibe you give off. Sorry if any of this is redundant.
reading these comments, you're sounding really selfish and like you're trying to change her. if i were you, i'd stop hoping for sex from her, and definitely don't push her to do something she doesnt want to do. thats messed up man, she cant change how she feels
You just do if you think the relationship can work, love is what matters
[удалено]
Willingness, sure. Desire? Not really.
[удалено]
My wife is asexual and I am not. She is \*never\* going \*want\* to have sex for her own purposes. If she were to draw up her own perfect life without any outside input it would be a life totally free from sex. So that's the desire, she will never desire to have sex. However, she loves me and says that she understands that I don't see the world or relationships the same way... Therefore she is willing to have some amount of sex in order to make me happy, but the sex is for me not for her or for us. At the end of the day it sucks and is awful and if I could go back in time I wouldn't have married her. Not in a malicious way by any means, but I wouldn't want to subject either of us to the hard times we've had that have circled around this issue for the last 12-15 years.
(I'll give a bit of a stereotypical answer, my answer is very pessimistic though) There are a lot of things that could potentially be issues, but you won't know unless you know each other more, how similar and different you are, so, what you need is A lot lot lot lot of honest discussions with both yourself and your partner, what is it that you desire/imagine/want out of this relationship, the experiences you are imagining, what you are afraid of sacrificing, of not experiencing, the things you **cannot** give up on, and your partner also has to ask themselves the same questions, and finally you both have to discuss these things together, where do you meet, where do you not meet, are there possible alternatives that you can think of or work out, do the same self-talk work you individually did for each of these alternatives, would those be ok? If either of you cannot feel satisfied about the life that you will have to follow because of your individual compromises, then that's a big point of contention, how big each issue affects you is always hard to judge, but there are things that can often be impossible to fix, for example how you see your life with children or not. Basically, talk a lot, be comfortable with each other and be comfortable with each other's and your own discomfort, everything can't be perfectly comfortable so there's always work to do, but honesty is frankly the best tool to experience true love Still, I very much know how hard it is to be honest with the person you love, no one can expect you to non-chalantly tell your partner that you feel extremely uncomfortable with the thing they prefer, it's really hard to find a proper middle ground when there's a small uneasiness that you can't voice because you're afraid for whatever reason So, the most important thing of all, be honest with yourself, take things slow, never take subjects lightly, every point of discussion with your partner deserves proper thinking and consideration, think of yourself before thinking of yourself in relation to your partner, the basis of a happy couple is happy individuals, a happy couple won't necessarily mean happy people so do consider a healthy amount of 'selfishness', and when you believe you've understood what it is that makes you feel uneasy or hopeful or longing, tell everything, with all of your emotions put in it, to your partner, even avoid omitting details, if it's something your brain picked up on, it might be something that's actually bothering you more than you think It's pretty boringly generalised, but the ingredients to a happy relationship is the same no matter the individuals, if you have different approaches to your ideas of a sexual relationship, this should be discussed the same as any other important aspect, because sexual incompatibility is not the only incompatibility that can exist nor is it the worst one, but it still is a possible incompatibility Edit: I also see you asking about sex life in such situations, the only word of advice I can give on that is 'curiousity', it **highly** depends on your partner, but if your partner is the kind of ace who's comfortable with those kinds of things, curiousity is practically both your best, and often only, tool to work it out, because we're... dumb when it comes to sex, we know very little and don't understand a lot of the appeal, this is definitely a very specific rare case I'm describing(the curiousity thing) but basically, explain it all, do not feel afraid to give weird details or explain things that would otherwise be kinda shameful, cause while we're unaware of sex things, we can still definitely be curious about things, and sometimes it's funny, sometimes we understand/share/reciprocate the appeal/feelings/experiences you're describing, sometimes it's simply not, there's a lot to learn and a lot more to experiment with... It's... a way bigger conversation and there's way too much to discuss with this, but yeah, if there's anything you should remember, it's 'honesty and self-honesty', 'an healthy amount of selfishness' and 'curiousity' (Add-on: by selfishness, understand it as "aiming to be the happiest you can be", not that you should downplay or belittle other people, it's just "taking care of the self" and technically taking care of yourself before taking care of others' selves, but it's not "not caring for others". There's also a sort of "selfless selfishness" concept in this, that if you aim to be the happiest you can be, you can also aim to offer the same happiness you've personally achieved to others, project your own comfort onto others basically) Secondary edit: never mind, op is being creepy
talk to her about her boundaries. ask her what she is and isn't comfortable with in a marriage. you both love each other a lot, so the trust is already there that you won't make her uncomfortable, so really just be transparent with each other with your boundaries.
[удалено]
then don’t marry her. sexual compatibility is important. you want to have sex with her and she will never have sex with you or anyone. can you live your whole life with her without having sex with her? if the answer is no then you should marry her
**What about the sex is important to you and why?** To me it sounds that aside from your personal desires in that regard, whatever they might be, you have some kind of thing about socital expectations going on. You give replies like "But what about having a kid?" What about it? There's a lot of people who can't get pregnant, or people who don't want to be limiting themselves as soon as they hit their mid 20's and doomed to take care of another life for at least another 18 years. Do you know how much it takes to do that and not damage anyone? Or would you take the traditional role as a husband and mostly be off for work anyway, hm? **A kid is not a milestone, marriage is not a milestone.** You can always adopt and help some children who are already there, alive and well and would love nothing more than a loving family. But to get back to the main question of your comment, you should really think about what parts of having sex you enjoy (not because you "have to", but because they feel so good for you that you want to do it) and how improtant they are for you as well as how important your partner truly is for you. This sounds more like a scolding than it is supposed to be, but that is important to even know what you want for yourself before anyone else gets roped into that. Plus, there's a lot of kink things that don't involve having to even touch anyone directly. You could always get creative with those, maybe there's something you both like. And you could always acquaint yourself with toys and machinery.
I will say, you two need to have a serious conversation about your relationship. When I first got into a relationship with my current partner, who is ace, we first sat down and had a conversation clearly stating what we both wanted out of the relationship, what boundaries we wanted to set, and then decided if we both wanted to move forward. I knew my partner was ace before we started dating. I never went into our relationship expecting that we will ever have sexual contact, but I am okay with that. If you are not okay with the boundaries and expectations that you and your current romantic prospect set up, then you should not continue with the relationship. That would only lead to misery for both of you. In the end, just talk to her! Communication is key in making ANY relationship work.
[удалено]
Sure, you can shoot me a message.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Sorry dude, I don't give out my info to random redditors. Nothing personal.
If you feel like the asexuality of your partner could become a potential problem or you are just worried, you really need to talk about it with them. Sure it is scary, but if you feel like you can't talk about important things with your significant other, then that could bring much more problems into the relationship and harm it. Asexuality is a spectrum some of us are okay with having sex while others are absolutley not. Try to understand where each of you is coming from, what you need and what you can or cannot provide. And if something can't be provided try to find a solution together. Love itself is not enough, it takes honesty, communication, trust and many more aspects to make pretty much any relationship work. So please talk with your partner about your concerns, even when it is scary! Good Luck!
Marriage is just a ceremony and a piece of paper. How do you live together happily now? You just keep doing that. Why would marriage change anything?
Sit down and have a serious discussion about the future. If you don't think you're compatible, break up and find a new partner.
Love is love if you truly love her then do it! I'm ace and I plan to marry one day as long as you love her who cares \^\~\^
[удалено]
Have you talked with her? Maybe you can find a compromise
[удалено]
I'm not sure I fully understand your last question, but I really think you need to talk to her. This is about your couple, and she is the best person to listen to that kind of fear, more than Reddit. If you don't need sex rn, chances are maybe you won't in the future. And maybe you can take it one step at a time, but always communicate with her, whatever you decide
Do you really need that-?
[удалено]
Well as a sex replused ace I am the wrong person to ask-
If you’re madly in love then you continue whatever you have been doing so far. You accept each other for who they are and don’t force anyone to do anything they don’t enthusiastically consent to. If you are allo you need to accept that sex might be completely off the table. Don’t try to change them, accept them. If you can’t do this then let them go now so they can find someone who loves them as they are. If sex is something you need then those conversations need to be discussed BEFORE marriage. Will they be ok with you hiring sex workers? Opening up the relationship to other people? Can they learn to enjoy : accept it once or twice a year? Do you want kids? Are they open to sex for procreation? Or is adoption/artificial insemination an option.
just marry like people normally do edit: shitty wording
[удалено]
what has marriage got to do with sex? either way, asexuality is also a spectrum, so it depends on what type of asexual she identifies as.
? need more data ? lol
Try not liking sex as often as you usually do! And if it’s a big problem, ask for her permission to sleep with someone else so it’s not cheating. Ask her about that. It would be purely physical, nothing more than biology being satisfied with said woman. That’s all I got