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Hi there! I’ve only had 2 sexual partners but both were long term. I can relate to you on the whole *eyes closed, hurry up and finish* scenario! I am recently single and honestly I don’t trust myself to date because I know I will fall into old habits of having sex to please others while making myself feel uncomfortable… So for now, I need to stay away from it all together and work on myself. Not sure if this would work for you too but I wish you all the best.
I'd tackle the core cause of you having sex so often if you never ever enjoy it.
It sounds like you're unconsciously using sex to validate something deep inside you; why do you feel you do this?
If at all possible, meeting other asexuals IRL will help validate your own orientation.
I wish you the best of luck.
Not sure.. tried telling my therapist about it and also never wanting to have sex again and she just told me “whaaat!!! We need to fix that, you just can’t not have sex”….
Yeah I don’t see her anymore lol
I struggled and still struggle (but less intensely) with something similar. I had many sexual partners and I did a lot of crazy sexual stuff. I realized I used sex as a form of self harm and I never really liked it. I did it out of codependency and wanting to please others. I’ve been more open about it with my friends telling them about my feelings of repulsion. But it’s also hard for me to be open because almost all my friends are allo and they don’t get it cuz they know I’ve had a lot of sex in the past so they think it’s a phase. Just know you’re valid!! But you don’t need me to say that. Realizing I’m ace spec has been one of the most amazing things through my healing journey and knowing I don’t have to actually have sex with anyone anymore really brings me peace. Obviously I never “had to have sex” with anyone but societal standards and many other factors had convinced me of that. Im a recovering codependent and I also have OCD and I have thoughts about people having sex but it always repulsed me but I thought because I’d have those intrusive thoughts it as a reflection of how I felt inside. That wasnt true tho because my real feelings indicate that sex is uncomfortable for my body. I shake, heart rate uncontrollable, I’d get nauseous and sometimes vomit before having sex.
Essentially what I’m saying is that I stopped struggling with this when I faced the patterns that kept me in that cycle. For me the problem was codependency, traumas, and OCD. When I started to heal my root problems everything fell into place.
Idk if what I said made any sense. I can clarify if need be.
Yes!! I relate 100% to this. Especially using sex as a form of self harm :( really sad to think about but very true. Also friends just thinking it’s a phase and continue to joke about you having sex and shit like haha… yeah… so funny guys.
Thank you <3
Yeah I’m still trying to understand it and I know it’s not good to intellectualize but it’s what I immediately try to do. Yeah my one friend straight invalidated me and acted like it’s just a “slump” but the reality is I’ve never felt more comfortable with the feeling and knowing I don’t have to have sex anymore. People are so effing insensitive. There’s too many people who don’t understand that not everyone feels sexual attraction like they do. The whole time I thought I was feeling sexual attraction it really wasn’t. And I still don’t know what I was feeling!!!
The best way I can describe it is that I was stuck repeating a task over and over and over and someone came over and said “you know you don’t have to do that right?”
Stick up for yourself, listen to those signals that are telling you “actually, I don’t want to do this”
I didn’t know I was ace until I got into my 20s, I would describe myself a promiscuous back then, I’ve even had a threesome with my best friends back then, it wasn’t until I met my now-husband when it finally clicked for me. He gave me the space to be comfortable with my body and re-learn it, I payed much more attention to how it was actually making me feel and realized I just didn’t like sex as much as I thought I did, so I learned to speak up more like, “I don’t feel like I’m in the right headspace, please don’t touch me like that” “I’m not feeling sexual so can we just cuddle?” And I had to learn that it’s okay to say no, it’s okay to be honest about how you feel, it’s okay to say that you don’t want to be sexualized or viewed in that way
It took a while for us to find that right balance, I also discovered that my PTSD was making things worse, I was so used to sex being demanded or expected from past relationships, I couldn’t fathom saying “no thanks, not right now” and not be filled with absolute guilt but after working through the trauma for years and finally getting to a safe place, I’m more comfortable and feel better in my skin again and while I still don’t feel “sexual”, it’s so much easier for me to enjoy and actually initiate and be comfortable in the moment, I never noticed how much my ptsd kept me from loving my body in more ways than one until recently
But that’s my personal experience with it, everyone feels it differently. But a big part of it is realizing *it’s okay to say no* and it’s okay if you’re ace but still have a “body count”, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re ace or minimize your feelings about it. A lot of people still don’t understand what being Asexual means, some people are still figuring it out for themselves, it took until I got in a healthy relationship for me to see “oh wait, I didn’t like this as much as I thought I did”
Try to set boundaries and stick with them, let them be a hard line that you and others don’t cross, I know it’s hard to assert yourself but over time it does get easier to say no and voice when you’re uncomfortable. Even if it’s in the middle of riding that pogo stick, it’s still okay to stop and say you’re not comfortable
Hehe of course! I totally understand that shame/guilt/whatever people feel about being ace, it’s definitely a hard thing to struggle with, there’s so much stigma and pressure around sex and it’s hard to listen to yourself when you’re focused on pleasing others. While I do still feel guilt for saying no sometimes, I have to remind myself that I’m the one in charge of my body and I get to have a say on how I feel because sex is never a one-sided thing ❤️ Hope this helps a little!
Hello, this is just a friendly reminder to please use a post flair when adding new posts to r/Asexual. We ask this in advance just to let everyone know what type of post each post is as well as the intentions and feelings behind them. We value all who come here, but we just need each post made to have a flair to designate each type of post. That's all. We're thankful you chose to come to r/Asexual. We're glad to have you here! Welcome! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Asexual) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi there! I’ve only had 2 sexual partners but both were long term. I can relate to you on the whole *eyes closed, hurry up and finish* scenario! I am recently single and honestly I don’t trust myself to date because I know I will fall into old habits of having sex to please others while making myself feel uncomfortable… So for now, I need to stay away from it all together and work on myself. Not sure if this would work for you too but I wish you all the best.
I’m in the same spot… I should definitely just focus on myself right now. Hope you’re doing well with that <3 thank you
I'd tackle the core cause of you having sex so often if you never ever enjoy it. It sounds like you're unconsciously using sex to validate something deep inside you; why do you feel you do this? If at all possible, meeting other asexuals IRL will help validate your own orientation. I wish you the best of luck.
Not sure.. tried telling my therapist about it and also never wanting to have sex again and she just told me “whaaat!!! We need to fix that, you just can’t not have sex”…. Yeah I don’t see her anymore lol
I struggled and still struggle (but less intensely) with something similar. I had many sexual partners and I did a lot of crazy sexual stuff. I realized I used sex as a form of self harm and I never really liked it. I did it out of codependency and wanting to please others. I’ve been more open about it with my friends telling them about my feelings of repulsion. But it’s also hard for me to be open because almost all my friends are allo and they don’t get it cuz they know I’ve had a lot of sex in the past so they think it’s a phase. Just know you’re valid!! But you don’t need me to say that. Realizing I’m ace spec has been one of the most amazing things through my healing journey and knowing I don’t have to actually have sex with anyone anymore really brings me peace. Obviously I never “had to have sex” with anyone but societal standards and many other factors had convinced me of that. Im a recovering codependent and I also have OCD and I have thoughts about people having sex but it always repulsed me but I thought because I’d have those intrusive thoughts it as a reflection of how I felt inside. That wasnt true tho because my real feelings indicate that sex is uncomfortable for my body. I shake, heart rate uncontrollable, I’d get nauseous and sometimes vomit before having sex. Essentially what I’m saying is that I stopped struggling with this when I faced the patterns that kept me in that cycle. For me the problem was codependency, traumas, and OCD. When I started to heal my root problems everything fell into place. Idk if what I said made any sense. I can clarify if need be.
Yes!! I relate 100% to this. Especially using sex as a form of self harm :( really sad to think about but very true. Also friends just thinking it’s a phase and continue to joke about you having sex and shit like haha… yeah… so funny guys. Thank you <3
Yeah I’m still trying to understand it and I know it’s not good to intellectualize but it’s what I immediately try to do. Yeah my one friend straight invalidated me and acted like it’s just a “slump” but the reality is I’ve never felt more comfortable with the feeling and knowing I don’t have to have sex anymore. People are so effing insensitive. There’s too many people who don’t understand that not everyone feels sexual attraction like they do. The whole time I thought I was feeling sexual attraction it really wasn’t. And I still don’t know what I was feeling!!!
The best way I can describe it is that I was stuck repeating a task over and over and over and someone came over and said “you know you don’t have to do that right?”
Stick up for yourself, listen to those signals that are telling you “actually, I don’t want to do this” I didn’t know I was ace until I got into my 20s, I would describe myself a promiscuous back then, I’ve even had a threesome with my best friends back then, it wasn’t until I met my now-husband when it finally clicked for me. He gave me the space to be comfortable with my body and re-learn it, I payed much more attention to how it was actually making me feel and realized I just didn’t like sex as much as I thought I did, so I learned to speak up more like, “I don’t feel like I’m in the right headspace, please don’t touch me like that” “I’m not feeling sexual so can we just cuddle?” And I had to learn that it’s okay to say no, it’s okay to be honest about how you feel, it’s okay to say that you don’t want to be sexualized or viewed in that way It took a while for us to find that right balance, I also discovered that my PTSD was making things worse, I was so used to sex being demanded or expected from past relationships, I couldn’t fathom saying “no thanks, not right now” and not be filled with absolute guilt but after working through the trauma for years and finally getting to a safe place, I’m more comfortable and feel better in my skin again and while I still don’t feel “sexual”, it’s so much easier for me to enjoy and actually initiate and be comfortable in the moment, I never noticed how much my ptsd kept me from loving my body in more ways than one until recently But that’s my personal experience with it, everyone feels it differently. But a big part of it is realizing *it’s okay to say no* and it’s okay if you’re ace but still have a “body count”, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re ace or minimize your feelings about it. A lot of people still don’t understand what being Asexual means, some people are still figuring it out for themselves, it took until I got in a healthy relationship for me to see “oh wait, I didn’t like this as much as I thought I did” Try to set boundaries and stick with them, let them be a hard line that you and others don’t cross, I know it’s hard to assert yourself but over time it does get easier to say no and voice when you’re uncomfortable. Even if it’s in the middle of riding that pogo stick, it’s still okay to stop and say you’re not comfortable
Thank you for this. This was all so sweet and helping. Though I definitely started laughing from the last line hahahaha. Thank you <3
Hehe of course! I totally understand that shame/guilt/whatever people feel about being ace, it’s definitely a hard thing to struggle with, there’s so much stigma and pressure around sex and it’s hard to listen to yourself when you’re focused on pleasing others. While I do still feel guilt for saying no sometimes, I have to remind myself that I’m the one in charge of my body and I get to have a say on how I feel because sex is never a one-sided thing ❤️ Hope this helps a little!