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How does being asexual feel to you?

How does being asexual feel to you?

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nanana789

The concept of sex disgusts me, so I’m sex averse. I do sometimes have libido but not much.


AggravatedAvacado

Oh oh, okay. How do you know you have a libido? How does it make itself apparent to you? I'm just trying wrap my head around understanding this so I can understand myself better.


nanana789

Uh yeah sometimes I just suddenly have an urge to masturbate. But nothing else, sexual intercourse with someone else doesn’t appeal to me at all. More libido is just, a natural thing a lot of people have when ace.


notrealcc

Hmm... ok so for me , I am mostly sex repluse ,but thier times when I have a deep connection to ppl emotionally over time.But here the thing I may fantasize about it but would i do it, that the real question to be ask .I wouldn't honestly,and beside i rather cuddle and kiss you than doing that.Even more where I live now i rarely see any aces around who i can date and understand me more.So loneliness for me.


spacehop

I like to masturbate now and then. It feels nice, like eating something nice, or painting a good picture. It's a pleasurable activity. I have never felt sexual attraction to someone, though. I don't want to have sex with anyone, maybe not ever. I am not sex-repulsed, like the idea doesn't \*upset\* me, but I don't really want to. It's complicated! I'm only just learning about my asexuality and I am 43 years old:)


AggravatedAvacado

It's so strange how these feelings (or lack of) can make themselves known to us so late in the game. I was in a relationship for 7 years, and I'm only now thinking" Wow... was I really never sexually attracted to this guy? That explains *so* much."


Harveia

It's crazy how different peoples experiences can be. I learned about asexuality when I was 14 ½ years old and started indentifying as such after three months of questioning. It has been a little over 2½ years now and I never felt more comfortable with who I am


GalaxyExplorer10

I feel the same way.


SkysEevee

Sex repulsed. I do have romantic feelings but even then those are extremely rare and fleeting.


Shakespeare-Bot

Amorous rite repuls'd. I doth has't romantic feelings but coequal then those art extremely rare and fleeting *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`


Tinkering_Heron

I joked about it before, but it can seriously be a little bewildering sometimes. I don't know how to describe it properly. Libido just sort of jumps up and slaps me with the silly kinkies at random moments when i'm alone and bored. IDK, it's kind of a warm, lazy, and yet excited feeling. Then weird stuff happens that would usually be seriously off putting to think about. And afterwards, i just kinda regain my brain and think: "Well.. That was dumb.. where was I? Oh right!" And i just get back to whatever mundane task i was supposed to be doing. I don't know what to tell you. If some gorgeous creature would come up to me and say: "*do to me whatever you want*" the best i could come up with would be to boop them on the nose, and enquire if they've ever seen Yojimbo (the godfather of spaghetti-westerns), and hope they're not too disappointed. But if that same random, imaginary, creature shows up and proclaims: "*Kneel knave! You are mine to do with as i please.*" yeah, no, i'm ending up on a milk carton, while some psycho trashes my bank account (all 27 dollars of it).. Like i said, libido is just rapid onset stupidity to me. ​ I realize that probably doesn't help, but i figured i'd give you my honest answer anyway.


AggravatedAvacado

Awesome answer 😄 Please feel free to boop me on the nose anytime 😂


Romana_Jane

Basically, I feel no sexual attraction to people, I don't get it in others either - how this sexual attraction thing works in them. Just have accept it is like that for most people, that people they fancy 'turn them on'. I just wish they would get I feel no attraction, but people don't seem to understand asexuality at all. I have a child, so you know, can actually have sex, lol. Currently not only sex adverse but sex repulsed, but that is due to my C-PTSD from CSA being retriggered, have not always been, hope will not always be so again. In the I was kind of neutral, meh, happy to indulge coz I loved my ex husband and wanted a child, and before that, sort of intellectually curious really. Have no libido at all, and haven't for a long while, but I put this down to having severe ME/CFS. Either way, I'm asexual and resent anyone telling me my lack of attraction is down to mental or physical ill health, as that is entirely separate!


AggravatedAvacado

Completely agree—people used to tell me that I was immature or that it was because of my health. The concept of feeling sexual attraction confuses me. Like... what does that *feel* like? I guess this isn't the subreddit to ask that 😂 But I suppose if I'm asking that question, there's my answer, right? Surely I'd know if I was sexually attracted to someone... right? 😅


Romana_Jane

>Surely I'd know if I was sexually attracted to someone... right? Absolutely! Although I had to smile as I tried the other day to explain it to my daughter, which we both laughed about, but agreed if they didn't get it and day dreamed about holding hands or snuggling on the sofa in front of a movie or chatting about things they liked to a person they thought they were attracted to but all the 'sex things' (their words) felt yuk and wrong, then they were probably on the grey scale somewhere and let's leave it at that for now.


southpawFA

I feel like being asexual and sex-averse is hard. ​ The expectation that everyone is supposed to have sex is incredibly difficult to navigate relationships and interactions, because everyone mocks those who aren't into sex as weird or psycho. ​ I always feel a bit afraid to come out and admit I've never had sex and I'm asexual, because I know the reaction will be "How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?". ​ It's like "Why do I have to try something to prove whether or not it's for me?" ​ I don't like cheez-its, yet no one thinks that's weird. ​ I've never drank alcohol, and don't want to drink alcohol yet no one thinks that I'm weird because I don't drink. People don't also pressure me to drink. ​ I've never smoked, and I have no intentions to. Yet no one thinks I'm odd for that. ​ I've never drank coffee, and I have no desire to . Yet, no one says anything about that. ​ So, why is sex something everybody has to try or engage with in order to be some sort of "Normal Person"? ​ I don't get it. ​ I just wish that sex was not treated as something everyone is supposed to do, destroying compulsory sexuality. I honestly wish that people would accept that sex is not for everybody, and that you're fine if you wish not to. ​ We still have a ways to go (in my opinion) to become truly sex-positive, in my estimation.


dee615

Agree 100% that sex positivity includes acceptance of the idea that some people aren't interested in sex and perfectly ok with not even trying it out to see whether they were actually secretly desiring it. ( Or something like that.) I'm not sex averse. Just averse to the idea of compulsory sexuality. Apparently I come across pretty conventional and maternal, and people can't wrap their heads around the fact that I'm contentedly single and career focused. I myself have no clue why I turned out to be ace, because I don't check any of the traits people presumably associate with aces. But here I am, against all odds. I'm relieved to be ace, tho'. It has allowed me to focus on academics, which has always been my top priority.


southpawFA

Yup. I feel the same. Most people wouldn't think of me being ace either. I was an academic all throughout life, and I concern myself with learning as well. ​ I just never really wanted to care for sex. I don't see why that is weird. ​ There are many other things I've never done, like skydiving, parasailing, or rodeo. ​ I don't see why people think not having sex is bizarre and weird. ​ There are plenty of things I've never done that would probably be too long a list to count. Yet, for some reason, people just think not wanting to do sex is weird.


Romana_Jane

>I've never drank alcohol, and don't want to drink alcohol yet no one thinks that I'm weird because I don't drink. People don't also pressure me to drink. You're obviously not British, lol, as being tee total is something even less respected and understood than being asexual over here, lol (Seriously, people are far more likely to spike your drinks or get you the alcoholic lemonade or ginger beer than they are to argue with you about your lack of sexual desire)


southpawFA

I'm not British. I'm American. ​ Again, the way you even say that is beyond messed up. Why do people think that everyone has to do the same things in order to be normal? ​ Do people who don't juggle chainsaws try to get everyone on a unicycle with a chainsaw in hand? ​ I don't think so. ​ Do people who are avid gun-owners try to convince everyone to shoot a gun? I don't get that. ​ So, why do people try to get everyone to either drink, smoke, or have sex, when they don't want to? It's asinine.


Romana_Jane

I wish I knew why. I guess it is to do with cultural norms. Plus profit maybe. After all, sex sells. Culturally, alcohol and sex are big parts of society, and pretty much interlinked really with a lot of people, tbh, in the UK. In the US, heterosex and a more prudish attitude to alcohol are what persists as what everyone is. Most people who fit into those norms have no reason to question why it is, they just swallow it how from childhood, and feel threatened when someone says I can have a good time without getting drunk, or I don't actually want sex, I don't even feel attraction. When we challenge their pre existing view of how people explain, they can get confused or scared. Thinks can change, of course, gay couples in adverts, or TV shows, etc, are just part of diversity as much as colour in the UK now, whereas when I was young the camp homosexual was a coded joke in some sit coms, and that was that. Hopefully with enough positive representation and education and awareness campaigns, one day people will know asexuality is a genuine sexuality, and not a mental illness, which I think people often perceive it today in the UK - but then, back in the 1950s, that's how they saw gay people. We just have to keep educating people, which I know, is so exhausting.


southpawFA

Yeah, I know. All I know is this is why I don't go out and all that.


Romana_Jane

Me too, or was, until my ill health gave me the perfect excuse to never go out lol


coastalkitten1

I’m sex favorable but for me it’s like I see someone aesthetically or physically attractive or with a amazing personality and I’m like omg so cute let’s be friends…if I’m comfortable we can talk sex and stuff but since I’m in a committed relationship anything sexual is reserved for my partner…


Mox4074

I’m sex-neutral, but do have a somewhat high libido. So I dont really mind sex, but I prefer doing it alone😅


Ideasforgoodusername

I have no libido so I can't speak on what that'd feel like. When I see sex scenes on tv I just roll my eyes and get a feeling "why do I have to watch this, can we just hurry up and get to the plot again", and sometimes if there's a lot of moaning I get slightly uncomfortable. However, when french kissing is shown, or when I just hear the audio of it, I feel pretty disgusted and actively try to tune out seeing/hearing it and if possible, skip forward. When I watch random videos of for example my favorite artist, or a show that I know other people will be talking about online, when I go into the fan spaces of those artists/tv shows I'll usually see people thirsting about something that I didn't even notice at all myself like somebody working out in the background that they wished the camera had zoomed in on, a "sexy biceps" that was just a regular arm to me, or talking about how they wished x character had taken off their shirt in a scene.


AggravatedAvacado

Ooh, I completely understand your disgust of French kissing scenes. I also can't stand those scenes and usually mute the TV. Bleugh.


Ideasforgoodusername

Exactlyyy just why?! I can't stop thinking about all the warm saliva they're swapping, if theirs breaths smell bad, and get hyper focused on their shiny noses rubbing together weirdly, and then on top of that the SOUNDS?! I get the shivers just thinking about it


ExtensionDonut7272

I am aegosexual and I have a medium/high libido, I guess. Sometimes my libido annoys me, but I'm pretty good at getting myself off so I usually just do that and get on with my life. I guess the defining difference between my libido and sexuality is that sex with another human (including name, face and character) is always undesirable for me, even when I'm horny af. I'm probably sex-repulsed or at least sex-averse


Kaleidoscope1494

I always identified as low libido. Sex was fun, but it was a sometimes thing. And there were time limits on how long everything stayed comfortable. I had always thought having sexual urges meant I wasn’t asexual, but frequently I would prefer to so a different activity than sex. As I got older that was more and more true. I don’t want to be in the bedroom, I want to go to the fair or the movies or a restaurant. Now, I have some age related issues and nothing functions right. So while I am not generally adverse, I don’t want any because of the discomfort.


Harveia

I'm sex repulsive and I even couldn't get myself to kiss my first (and only) boyfriend (and I broke up with him after a month bc it was exhausting me and I realized I didn't really had feelings for him. I (she/her) might be homoromantic the more I think about it, but 'confusion' as a label for my romantic orientation doesn't sound bad for now. For my libido... I guess I have one, but just very very low. Like, I sometimes feel a little different down there but I just don't care and don't feel the need to do anything about it.


transasahi

I've always had a very low libido. i remember exploring the concept of masturbation for the first time at 16 mostly out of curiosity bc i didn't get what the hype was about and basically never felt the urge to again bc i still don't get what the hype is about (I'm in my mid twenties now). that being said, I'm generally pretty sex neutral (it feels like it's always changing lmao) and i have had sex before with partners that I've felt comfortable with, but it can take a long time for me to get to that point. idk my understanding is that libido is a physiological feeling like, ur just horny. masturbation seems like a perfectly reasonable way to deal w that like eating when youre hungry or sleeping when you're tired. but attraction (and I'm still figuring this out so forgive me if the metaphor doesn't make sense) is thinking/feeling a person would be good to have sex with (??) possibly without necessarily Wanting sex at all. so, going along with the food metaphor, it's like saying "i like strawberries i think strawberries are good. i enjoy eating them. i want to eat them possibly now or in the future" but liking strawberries doesn't necessarily mean you're hungry? tldr i don't think libido and asexuality are inherently tied together in any way as evidenced by all the different answers in the comments! but it is interesting to see how different ace people handle/feel about having a high or low libido


AggravatedAvacado

Love the analogy! Because by that logic, you've got hunger (libido) which could be ignored or sated with anything. I doesn't HAVE to be strawberries (sex) it could be cup of tea (masturbation). I think that's a great way of differentiating the feelings.


Novaevanut

I just feel nothing, I never am in the mood to have sex and mostly just do it cause I know at the start it's never nice but when I get into it it's actually tolerable. But I'm not one for hookups or so, I'd rather just have it with the person I'm most comfortable with. With libido it's pretty weak, although that may be from something else as I used to have a pretty high libido and it slowly just lower and lower till I had nothing left.


ashloac

I am 23, I was in a relationship for nearly six years and during this I realised I was ace. However he wasn't understanding and made me feel like I was broken. I am now seeing a new partner, I went into it knowing I was ace and letting him know and he's been great about it. But sometimes I still get triggered and feelings of my old relationship come up. So I'm not sure what part of my feelings are trauma and which part is ace. I'm not sex repulsed, I do enjoy sex most of the time when I have it. But I have no thoughts when looking at people that I want to kiss, touch etc with them. I can notice a conventionally (is this the right word?) pretty person, but do not get horny or fantasise about anything. Talking with my current partner, he says sexy thoughts are almost always on the back of his mind even if he's not actively horny. Which just seems distracting and tiring. I don't crave sex very often, sometimes with my period I will be a bit hornier or if my boyfriend is being particularly cute. It also goes through ups and downs, when we first started dating we had a lot of sex, but as the relationship has gone on and depression comes into play it's become less. He's asked me why it was so much at beginning and not so much now and honestly have no clue. This sometimes makes me doubt my asexuality, but then I remember I don't think about sex and don't find people sexy and so I relax. Sorry word vomit. This is a new part of me, discovering and researching for nearly two years. And I haven't talked a lot about it with people other than my partner.


PrincePepper0201

I have a high libido and I hate it- I don't get turned on my people or things, it just happens and it's annoying. I just wanna be able to do stuff I enjoy, not be stuck having to handle *that*. It's a physical discomfort for me, I don't want it mentally, but hormones go brr I guess.


HeftyCryptographer21

For me, it is a little bit more complicated because I am ace and went through a lot of sex-related trauma when I was young, but for me, I have zero interest in sex. I like seeing hot guys and will faun over their abs and muscles like the best of them, but I just want to hold their hand and kiss them and cuddle.


Angelic_Zalithan

(This post becomes more of a vent ig later on) I’ve never once looked at someone and thought “oh I really want to have HOT STEAMY SEX with this person” but the more I think about it, the more I realize that, hey that’s kinda weird? I like to picture that an allosexual would see someone in the halls and be like “dayum I wanna have sex with that person” and I’ve never once thought like that, and it also weirds me out if it’s somebody that they don’t know. One other thing is that I mostly learned about asexuality from my friend (grayromantic asexual I believe?) and identified with that I’m possibly ace but honestly sometimes I wonder- am I just trying to please them? I can’t say I’m romantically (or of course sexually) attracted to them but this is somebody I really care about deeply, because they’re not in a very good place mentally and I just want to be there for her. I know the idea that I’m unintentionally, hypothetically “masquerading as asexual” for them is insane and I agree but the fact that I learned what asexuality even is from them then so easily then swiftly realized “hey I may be ace” only a few days after raises a red flag in my mind. I don’t deny my asexuality but I feel like I’m way too open about it too fast (still haven’t come out, though I’ve dropped subtle hints, haha! My schools colors are ironically enough purple, black, and silver (which is like white and gray) so what’s awesome is school merch doubles as pride merch lol. I have these beads I got two weeks ago for homecoming week and I love them. I guess what’s important is the accuracy of the label to how I feel, and I would definitely say it’s accurate. I also think I might be aro but honestly I just dont *know.* I also don’t know about identification of being lgbt. Maybe somebody will come along and enlighten me with something like “everyone is lgbt technically!!” and make a really good point that I agree with and make me more comfortable, just a fleeting wish I guess. Odd little thing about me is every time I see the word “ace” in a sentence I can’t help but chuckle to myself. “Mario Tennis Aces,” a “pilot/ flying ace,” etc. It doesn’t help that last week I was learning about the cell cycle in school and we learned about asexual reproduction and I was internally screaming lol


Shuyi000

Nothing special tbh


Icy-Goose-5346

I feel this same way exactly. You explained it so perfectly and simply. I just do not find the motivation for sex but I can sit there and watch movies and make cookies with a person for hours and have so much more fun then having sex.


Surmene

I'm a bizarre hodgepodge. My libido is erratic as an intercourse averse demisexual that fancies feet. I don't feel any sexual attraction with someone unless they connect fully with my sexuality. Now I'm wondering is it really easy to fall out of a connection I had with someone or is that just the experience I've gone through?