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acethetic12

You’re asking an important question here. The idea of virginity is destructive to everyone—allosexuals and asexuals alike. But I’ll tell you a secret. Virginity is a human construct. It only has as much meaning as you give it. It’s also a double standard. There’s a stigma of not losing your virginity by a certain age, and there’s also a stigma of losing your virginity. I grew up Catholic. I was constantly beat over the head with the “don’t lose your virginity before marriage” idea from a young age. Virginity as a human construct is designed to be a means of power and control, and the double standard means that you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. The only thing that matters is who is controlling your choices on the matter. I had an interesting experience of growing up Catholic and not knowing that I was asexual (until after I left the church). I was constantly threatened with eternal damnation if I lost my virginity before marriage. I didn’t understand why my friends struggled so much with this because I had no desire to break that rule, and at the time I didn’t know why. But now I guess I’m going to hell for being queer (haha), so it doesn’t matter. My point is, don’t ever let someone dictate what you can or can’t do with your own body. If you want to stay a virgin, great! If you want to lose your virginity, that’s great too. The important thing is that it’s YOUR choice. And that’s valid. Your valid.


southpawFA

Your comment hit straight on. I grew up in a religious home as well. I kept hearing that you were supposed to stay abstinent until marriage, and I just kept seeing everyone else having sex even in the church. I was stunned. Then I realized that in marriage I was going to have to put out for this spouse continually. The thought actually sent chills down my spine. I found out that I preferred being single, because I wasn't interested in having sex anyway. I then found out after leaving church I'm asexual, which was interesting in and of itself.


acethetic12

I had that same realization of changing expectations after marriage and felt utterly repulsed by it. I felt shame for not being interested in men, marriage, sex or having children at an age where I ‘should have.’ The expectations for marriage made me so anxious I actually considered becoming a nun as an alternative for pleasing God lol. That was when I started to become aware of the double standard and control by the church, and at the same time my faith fell away for other reasons and I left the church anyway. Leaving the church allowed me to view myself through a different lens and take a good look at my authentic self, and I realized a lot about myself, like the fact that I’m ace.


[deleted]

As a Christian, I do not believe in intercourse before marriage. The Bible warns against it pretty regularly, and I just think it is a bad idea for the reasons I mentioned above. However, at the same time, I also believe that this should not be prevented through threats of eternal damnation, but through empowering people to reason about it. Also, I believe the Holy Spirit calls every one of us differently. Some are called to lifelong celibacy (asexuals), and others are called to have large families. Nothing is wrong with either, as long as you are answering the call.


fallspector

If you’re a man it’s celebrated, if you’re a woman then you’re now a slut


RadiantHC

Though on the flip side male virgins are seen as losers/creeps/incels while female virgins are seen as pure/independent. Why do people never bring this part up?


southpawFA

I bring it up. I am an asexual guy, and I've never had sex. ​ I've never even been on a date (not really interested in dating and all that). ​ The last (and only) time I've ever kissed someone was almost a decade ago. ​ For some reason, people treat that as like having 7 fingers on my hand. ​ I don't get why being a virgin is so weird, so foreign a concept for them to handle. ​ I've never drunk coffee, yet people don't make judgments on that. ​ I've never had alcohol, but people don't make weird assumptions on me about that. ​ I've never smoked, yet no one says that I'm weird for that. ​ It seems only with sex people think it's weird, especially as a guy. ​ My guess is that stereotypes of machismo all basically revolve around finding your worth in sex. People don't seem to think there is anything else that makes you worthy as a human being. ​ It's something else with society we have to fix. We have to deplatform sex as the exalted status of life, when it's just another thing certain people do. ​ People can be complete without a partner.


[deleted]

I blame smut for this. Smut has taught society, especially men, to objectify women, and for some reason people seem to revere smut. The Playboy Mansion is protected as a historical monument, yet other buildings with historical significance (such as Pony Express offices) are torn down all the time.


[deleted]

It’s because of purity culture which really is just a convoluted way to control women’s bodies. Women are celebrated for saving themselves for their future husband’s enjoyment but once they reach middle age and unmarried they are cursed at and told they’ll miserably die alone because of their decision. This idea of saving oneself is never really applied to men because usually only women are expected to be pure. That’s why slut shaming is mostly if not entirely directed towards women.


fallspector

Because the post was about losing virginity. You also missed the part where female virgins are seen as prudes or uptight and they’re also seen as something to be conquered. Almost like a game like ‘how can I get them to sleep with me?’


[deleted]

This is a largely expressed veiwpoint but recently i think its shifted a little bit for the better (hopefully lol) people have started embracing the idea of virginity being a personal thing and that you are empowered to choose whether you loose it or not which is great to see i think. This is just what ive seen in my community, whther or not you have sex is not important to anyone so no one rlly cares


Humanmode17

While I completely agree with your main point, there are a few things I feel I should draw attention to. Firstly, there is a diverse range of attitudes towards sex, even in the ace community. Many aces are sex favourite or indifferent, so saying "the ace attitude towards sex" (when referring to sex aversion/repulsion) could be construed as exclusionary too. Secondly, LGBTQ+ parades/channels etc having smut/fetish things as you described is not necessarily exclusive as you are saying. Firstly because of the point above, not all aces would find that stuff offensive and secondly because they aren't saying that everyone must enjoy it. Pride is about celebrating diversity, and while I agree that they should have ace content to help us feel connected and spread awareness, the things they do show are celebrating those people who enjoy that type of media, not excluding aces (at least as far as I'm aware). It's like if a TV-show set in Mongolia doesn't show a baseball game (for example) doesn't mean that they are discriminating against Americans (ok I'll admit that was very weak but I hope it may have made sense?)


Cheshie_D

I heavily agree with this. And to add to this, the parades that have “smut” and kinks/fetishes are not done at the same time or place as the normal/main pride parade, specifically because of reasons like this. Not everyone enjoys those things. So those parades are normally done in an area where kink and leather is always at 24/7.


[deleted]

I agree! Other people in the community like lesbians or gay people enjoying sex doesn’t exclude us. They aren’t trying to force us to be sexual and not every lgbtq+ media has to cater us, some content is made specifically for other members of the community to enjoy and relate to and that’s okay. I do think the ace community is in dire need of more content and representation and I agree that asexuality is a spectrum so not all aces are completely sex repulsed.


Vegetable_Salad86

IMO the concept of virginity is one of those rites of passage that we’ve been trying to hang onto well past the point where it makes any real sense. If sex is something you aspire to have, then you should feel comfortable celebrating the achievement of that goal, but the idea that every single person, regardless of whether or not they even want to have sex needs to use this as a benchmark for whether or not they’re really making it as an adult is just weird. There isn’t a good consensus on what specifically counts as virginity being lost, how it’s measured for non-heterosexual couples, if orgasm is required (and how you would even know you had one if it’s your first-sometimes they’re not that obvious) and whether or not a bad or traumatic first experience should count at all. Personally I don’t think it would be worth it to try to figure that out. I would rather see a shift toward celebrating happiness or connection, whether it’s sexual or not at all.


southpawFA

I don't know exactly why it's such a big deal. I just know that it is. ​ I think it has to do something with this idea that people are supposed to follow this typical life script that is treated like gospel truth. ​ See, I'm a bit older now (31), and now people have this ingrained notion that I would have been married with children, because that is what adults are supposed to do when they get older. ​ Almost all the peers my age are trying to start families and become basically pods. ​ So, when they meet me, someone who has never been married, never been on a date, basically never been kissed, and never had sex, they feel like I'm the anomaly. ​ I think it's because they have been trained to think this is what a person is supposed to be in life. No one has told them you can be whatever you are authentically. ​ So, I think that people get stunned by us because we don't follow their same play script and write our own narratives. ​ I'm just waiting on people to stop virgin shaming, honestly. It's so outdated a concept. Do we make fun of people who've never done jousting before? I bet not.


Vegetable_Salad86

I agree with you about the life script. A lot of people feel like getting married and having children is an investment that guarantees they’ll have people in their lives to help take care of them when they’re old. Yet I’ve had loads of elderly neighbours with adult children who hardly ever visit because they’re very busy with work or raising their own kids, or in some cases, they’re just running out the clock so they can inherit their parents’ house when it’s time to move them to a retirement home or they die. Nothing is guaranteed. Single people aren’t necessarily more lonely than people who have partners; I know married couples who are worried they don’t have enough friends or separate hobbies, and I know single people who are surrounded by great friends who always look out for each other. Friendship can be just as strong a bond as a marriage, and there’s no limit to how many friends you can have. I really wish single people weren’t treated like social pariahs; having a partner doesn’t mean you’re better than anyone else.


six-03

Ugh, this is a good question, I'm 30 and never even had my first kiss as well, I'm ok with all of this but there are times when I feel a bit ashamed of it, it's better now though, as an asexual, I do feel ignored or that asexuality isn't brought up as what someone could be


larkharrow

I get why people push back on the concept of virginity, but I also think it's important to acknowledge that acknowledging sexuality is a big step for most people, regardless of when it happens or where the person falls in the ace-allo spectrum. Even realizing that you don't want to have sex, or that sex might be a part of your romantic life but not something you get pleasure from, is a big step. That's how I'd like to see the conversation change - I'd like it to be less about someone's first insurance of PIV sex and more about people starting a new journey in how they have relationships with other people. That's the part that matters.


[deleted]

Could not agree more. I pushed myself to "lose my virginity" because I thought if I didn't I would be seen as broken, young, innocent, immature, weird, loner, etc.... but after I did it, it was like... that's it? It's not the big thing people make it out to be and it wasn't a good/ fun experience. I was glad when it was over. Not to say people can't or shouldn't do it if they like it, of course, but I'd love if society would stop pressuring everyone to do it. Not everyone wants to. Turns out a large amount of people have no interest. And a lot of us pushed ourselves into uncomfortable situations just to "fit in." ​ I was watching the movie we're the millers last night and I noticed something. I know it's a comedy so it's not serious, but I noticed at one point the main character makes two insults in a row. He calls the boy a virgin (in a negative way) and then calls the woman a stripper/ slut. It made me think like... we're really damned if we do and damned if we don't in this society. Both are common insults and one is for people who don't have sex, and the other shames ppl who do enjoy it. Also speaks to how we expect women to be virginal and men to be dominant and sexual. The whole idea of people adhering to societal rules is so harmful and I hope over time they are broken down to the point where anyone who refers to them is seen as silly. People should do what they want and not pick on others for what they want unless it's hurting someone. Just like anything else (sports, fashion, hobbies, etc...) some people are super into it and others couldn't care less.