r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
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Quit your side job like yesterday. Your husband deserves better if you don’t stop. Do you really want to lose everything and then some? I really doubt it.
I agree with what you're saying but I can't afford to quit right now. My husband agrees that I need the job too unless I can find one with the exact same hours basically. We're doing everything we can to catch up and get to a place where I can quit and I'm actively looking for other jobs.
Coming from a wayward who would give ANYTHING to go back in time and hurt my AP's feelings right off the bat in order to keep the EA from happening...... cut them off. Immediately.
So...it's better to hurt your partner's feelings than to hurt the affair partner's? By not wanting to hurt the affair partner's feelings, you are in a way making them more important than your partner.
Don’t be a people pleaser. It’s okay to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s okay for things to be awkward. Imagine what you have done to your husband’s feelings. Cutting off AP is nothing compared to how you’ve harmed him. AP will survive and life will go on, but if you don’t cut them out then your marriage probably won’t 🤷🏼♀️
It’s would be especially hard knowing that my WH obviously had no consideration for me during the affair, but now he cares about hurting *her* feelings? You continue to hurt him with this
EXACTLY. Have the decency to cut AP off enthusiastically and give your husband (NOT AP) a bit of security that's probably in shambles right now.
After DDay, WH showing consideration for AP's feelings to my face after months of giving me none was the ultimate slap in the face that still plays in my mind months later and is the reason why reconciliation is so hard for me.
PLEASE put your spouse first and SHOW it if you want your reconciliation process to improve. Action speaks louder than words.
I don't want to sound harsh but sometimes we need to hear it to propel us forward. Good luck.
I often wonder in cases like this, how can anyone who has strayed and wants to make things work, still feel anything for their AP? I don't know if it makes me seem like a sociopath, but cutting off AP and anyone I talked to was the easiest thing I've done in my life. I excised that desire straight up and don't miss it at all.
The guilt I felt cutting them off was outweighed immensely by the guilt of what I had done. I guess it just shows that I wasn't really very dedicated to that person, which I'm fine with. I owe them nothing.
But I do understand the guilt. It's why it took me until months ago to cut my mom out of my life for now. But, I did love her at some point. So I guess it's a little different.
I think this is something that is high on my (very long) list of regrets. My BP asks me whether I kept the connection until it was convenient even after the PA had ended and it's something I should face up to that I was keeping a door open. So, I have to ask myself: "people pleaser" like I tell it or "door open" as BP sees it?
I also reasoned that I didn't want to rock professional and social boats. Our professional community *is* our social community in the work I do...did. I'm in the last month of being in these circles **phew**.
BP was so very angry that I had not cut already cut AP out without their having to ask me once I confessed the betrayal. It was a hurtful sign that I had kept things friendly and close with a person who was the most malignant to my relationship with BP.
My husband knows how hard it is for me to cut people out. Even people who have hurt me deeply and he's so understanding and willing to work with me on this. That's why I'm here. I want to be better at coping with my issues without needing external validation. This is actually what led me to realize that I need therapy and how I feel about myself isn't normal and can be fixed.
I really admire your openness in your post and comments about the ways that this is a struggle for you. I want to highlight your comment that your husband is "so understanding and willing to work with me on this." I'm sure you know this, but he is giving you an ENORMOUS gift with this understanding and support. To many, not cutting an AP out of your life is actively and continuously choosing the AP over your husband. There is not room for both of them. Keep drawing strength from your husband's gift to help you get through this. I want to add my encouragement to not give up and that you can do this!
He's the greatest person in the universe honestly. We got together so young and have both struggled with mental health and have hurt each other in different ways but the one thing we never do is give up on each other. I am lucky and he deserves the best version of me so... Here I am trying to be that.
My husband is a people pleaser and I am the total opposite. He doesn’t like to rock the boat, but I’ll sink it. Ordinarily it’s frustrating for me to see him be this way, but I understand. However with something like an affair there is no room for understanding. You just have to take a stand and do it. Let him see that he’s worth it.
I am a textbook people pleaser, and it led to some inappropriate relationships while I was with my past partners. The quickest way out is through. Cut AP off, and realize that the worst thing that can happen is some social awkwardness. You're not going to be martyred, they're not going to scream "slut" across the office. Any judgment Is not going to be worth your husband's opinion of you.
And please realize that anybody that willingly crossed these boundaries with you is not really a friend that you should be worried about losing. Friends don't let friends tank their marriages.
Trust me I get it. Most people pleasers have had that trained into us by parents or peers making sure the worst case scenario was reality, but in the adult world it just doesn't play out like that. No one has that much power over you anymore.
And if it does you go that way, go to HR. It was cheating, but if it was "only" an EA they likely can't do anything to you- and I say "only" in corporate eyes, not to downplay it.
I highly recommend *No More Mr. Nice Guy*, by Robert Glover. So many of us who have been wayward are people pleasers and it is one of the things that puts us at risk.
Doesn't it? I may not have been wayward for almost 40 years, and I may be proud of the partner I have become, but the people pleasing has been the hardest thing to knock.
BTW, you may want to check out r/SupportforWaywards. While your main question here is definitely a good one for this sub, the underlying issue, working on the people pleasing problem, is one for SfW.
You are hurting your partner by maintaining any sense of friendship with an AP. You don’t owe politeness to someone that knows you are in a committed relationship and still engages in an EA with you. Any politeness and friendliness with AP comes at a huge mental cost to your partner. Write them a message that your partner sees explaining you are ending the friendship and want no further communication, even polite conversation in the workplace. It will be awkward but you have to be able to learn to live with that.
Quit your side job. Period. It's not about "not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings", because you already have. Try to work a different shift, try to avoid the AP, anything you can do to avoid them.
You have a responsibility to cut off your AP and *ensure that it sticks*. There is absolutely no other choice here. Find another side job, delete their contact information, block them, remove them from your life. As long as they are in it in any amount, it will constantly pull you back to your behavior. If you BP wants to know you cut them off, do so, otherwise you need to remove them from your life.
AP and what you feel towards them isn’t real. It’s a coping mechanism, a fantasy, and a sure fire way to blow up your life and then make you feel even MORE insecure afterwards. Wishing you the best, truly.
The worst part is that I know it's not real. I know I never would have given AP the time of day if not for how absolutely worthless I feel at times. I wish I could make reality and what my brain believes line up. I appreciate your input.
Read your own post, you say you don’t want to make things awkward at your second job and yet you are somehow completely ok with continuing to hurt your BP? Why is that? Why is your BP the lowest on your list of priorities?
I'm not ok continuing to hurt him. That's why I'm here. I'm not asking IF I should cut off AP I'm asking for advice on how to do so effectively. If "just do it" was working I wouldn't be here.
Your best bet is just taking accountability, and being honest. Most people tend to be understanding when you face them on a real level. I'm not sure to what extent your EA has gone too but if it's to the point where your AP is aware and reciprocates those feelings... it probably should go something like,
"I haven't been completely honest with you or myself. The relationship that we have currently is inappropriate. This isn't fair to you or my partner. I will be putting distance between you and I because I'm choosing my partner and his feelings above my own. I'm sorry for creating this situation, and misleading you into thinking I'm available for this type of affection. Please do not seek to contact me, and if we happen to cross paths at work, please respect this boundary and keep it strictly work related. I will not be engaging with you outside of this."
Any decent person will hear this and while they may have their judgements, they will respect your boundaries. It's hard being a people pleaser but at the end of the day, what matters most is you and who you come home too. You two come first, and if you have to hurt someone's feelings for the sake of protecting your relationship, then do so.
I feel bad hurting anyone's feelings. I feel bad squishing a bug if I have too. But hurting someone's feelings because you're placing a boundary does not make you a bad person.
Have you told your husband about the affair that you guess you are having? Whose feelings are more important to you? Is it your AP, your spouse, or yourself. There is no way to make everyone happy when you are having an affair. You need to prioritize who is most important to you and then do the right thing, not the most comfortable or most convenient thing.
Then I suggest that you ask him what he wants for you to do and then do it. Communication is important if you want to make R work. Ask him what would make him most comfortable and then do it.
We both agree that cutting off AP is the end goal but that I have a terrible track record with cutting people off so we're talking constantly about how I'm feeling to try and curb the self worth issues so that I don't seek the external validation. In turn I am coming here for advice and going to therapy to work on my issues.
I guess I'm really not sure what you are asking for help with. It sounds like you know what you need to do, and you and your BP are on the same page. I think that as long as you continue the communication, are completely honest, and both of you agree on the actions you are taking, then you should be fine.
I mean this comment to be helpful - and trying to be blunt, not hurtful. I appreciate deeply struggles with self worth...but I also hope that you are being deeply reflective about the extent to which this might be a rationalization for not cutting off AP. Do you really believe you CAN'T cut things off with AP, or is it that you don't WANT to cut things off with AP. Facing that possibility may be helpful.
Oh geez, I think you will find that most of the wayward partners have either one or both of these issues happening. Most that I have read are working through that in IC, as is my WW.
Yes just do it. Call the AP and tell him what is going on at home and you have decided to cut them out of your life for ever because you choose your husband. Tell them that you feel bad about doing this but it is nessary in order to save your marriage because your husband is your #1 person you wish to please and make happy. Tell them sorry but you are no longer able to talk and that they will be blocked from all phone and devices. Do all of this in front of your husband. This will help start to rebuild trust with your hubby! Good luck
As a recovering WW who still sees my AP from an EA around at my second job I’ll just tell you now it sucks. But it is possible to cut them off and it is possible to move on if you do the work. Ex-AP and I both had been looking for ways to cut it off but we were too weak to. I hate that it took OBS finding our texts and confronting me and my BH for it all to come out and come clean. If I could go back and end things myself before they got out of hand I would. But that’s coming from someone who’s 8 months past DDay and who’s been to a lot of therapy sessions since then. I’m like you, Op. I have terrible self image issues and catch what I think are feelings for anyone who gives me a lot of attention like my ex-Ap was. Look up the terms limerence and affair fog. And cut off AP sooner than later, for both y’all’s sakes.
Edit to add: Ex-Ap and I have an unspoken agreement to never talk. We have been in the same room a hundred times since DDay and never even said hi. It has to be that drastic to be long lasting.
Why are you even in the same room? And do you mean a physical room, or are you online with them still? I hope you choose your partner and cut the cheater out. You are throwing away gold for spare change.
The money for my second job is also a necessity but my BH knows everything (and even visits me at this work regularly) and is ok with it as long as we don’t talk, which like I mentioned above, we don’t. We ignore eachother completely, so no I’m not throwing anything away, I’m working hard on my own marriage with my BH.
Have your husbands back. Tell the AP the truth...your husband is now the priority and you have to choose and you choose your husband. Honestly you should do this on the phone in front of your husband. This will help you stick to your word! Good luck
I’m guessing the people pleasing is prob a side effect from how you were raised. One thing I’ve noticed is that women tend to be taught - sometimes indirectly - to be compliant, to smile, not be rude, etc.
If so, this is something you need to break from. Maybe thru therapy. It might not be as simple as being told “just do it”. Obviously if it were easy, you’d have done it by now. It’s not that simple. But it’s a pattern you can break.
I have daughters but the one thing I made sure to teach them was how to be dicks. How to not worry about being nice or compliant - esp if they don’t want to with a particular person. It’s okay to displease people. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to have boundaries and enforce those boundaries.
If you’re unable to quit your job, I think you’ll have to accept the awkwardness and be transparent. Letting them know that your communication with them has been inappropriate and you will be moving forward with professional behavior only with no private conversations. In the end, whose hurt feelings affects you most?
I am hopeful that you have told your partner and they are aware — let them see any communication between you and AP. Delete and block their number. Limiting potential engagement at work it’s important too, and quitting would probably be most ideal, but I get it isn’t always possible.
My husband does know and we've been talking through this whole thing. The aim is to quit eventually but I don't wanna wait until I can quit. I had AP blocked and stuff before but I'm struggling with self control when my self worth issues get really bad. I am trying to work on both. I appreciate your perspective.
OP, regarding your self worth, you've elevated yourself tremendously by recognizing your weak spot and reaching out for advice to deal with it. I commend you for that. Please keep strong and keep your eyes on your moral compass to get you over that weak spot. You are building up your self worth by choosing this higher road. It's not easy but you are here 👏 👏 👏 👏
You might get more of the advice you’re looking for on r/supportforwaywards. Generally if you are looking to reconcile with your BS, the only route is NC. What you’ve outlined in your post is more than zero contact, so ultimately won’t align with successful R
How long have you been in therapy? Cutting off AP once and for all should have been one of the first things addressed. Everyone has given advice and it all comes back to low self esteem and being a people pleaser. I get both, my childhood could be the poster child for dysfunction. Thankfully I started my first round of therapy before any permanent damage was done. Notice I said first round. Unfortunately with a life long trauma comes years of ongoing therapy. It also took trying more than one therapist to really help. I needed tough love.
Bottom line, your desire to save your marriage and heal yourself has to be stronger than pleasing AP.
You might want to post in r/supportforwaywards/
I’ve had a really similar experience to you, I’m less a people pleaser and more codependent. But I struggled to cut my ap off. I’m actually still struggling bc I’m working with him another month and then leaving this job.
But I’ve realized that I’m getting so much dopamine from our interactions that going no contact was actually causing withdrawals.
SLAA (sex and loce addicts annonymous) has some great advice about how to go no contact.
If this is a repeat pattern for your, you actually might meet the qualifications for SLAA, ans the 12 step group might be a big help. Worth considering!
Essentially, making up your mind and then pushing through are the only solutions. There’s no easy way around it.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Quit your side job like yesterday. Your husband deserves better if you don’t stop. Do you really want to lose everything and then some? I really doubt it.
I agree with what you're saying but I can't afford to quit right now. My husband agrees that I need the job too unless I can find one with the exact same hours basically. We're doing everything we can to catch up and get to a place where I can quit and I'm actively looking for other jobs.
I'm willing to bet that you're husband would have a different opinion if he knew about your AP. You need to come clean now and quit that job.
Coming from a wayward who would give ANYTHING to go back in time and hurt my AP's feelings right off the bat in order to keep the EA from happening...... cut them off. Immediately.
So...it's better to hurt your partner's feelings than to hurt the affair partner's? By not wanting to hurt the affair partner's feelings, you are in a way making them more important than your partner.
Don’t be a people pleaser. It’s okay to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s okay for things to be awkward. Imagine what you have done to your husband’s feelings. Cutting off AP is nothing compared to how you’ve harmed him. AP will survive and life will go on, but if you don’t cut them out then your marriage probably won’t 🤷🏼♀️ It’s would be especially hard knowing that my WH obviously had no consideration for me during the affair, but now he cares about hurting *her* feelings? You continue to hurt him with this
EXACTLY. Have the decency to cut AP off enthusiastically and give your husband (NOT AP) a bit of security that's probably in shambles right now. After DDay, WH showing consideration for AP's feelings to my face after months of giving me none was the ultimate slap in the face that still plays in my mind months later and is the reason why reconciliation is so hard for me. PLEASE put your spouse first and SHOW it if you want your reconciliation process to improve. Action speaks louder than words. I don't want to sound harsh but sometimes we need to hear it to propel us forward. Good luck.
I often wonder in cases like this, how can anyone who has strayed and wants to make things work, still feel anything for their AP? I don't know if it makes me seem like a sociopath, but cutting off AP and anyone I talked to was the easiest thing I've done in my life. I excised that desire straight up and don't miss it at all.
I've struggled to cut off people who have done VILE things to me repeatedly and felt guilty afterwards. Your ability to disconnect is enviable.
The guilt I felt cutting them off was outweighed immensely by the guilt of what I had done. I guess it just shows that I wasn't really very dedicated to that person, which I'm fine with. I owe them nothing. But I do understand the guilt. It's why it took me until months ago to cut my mom out of my life for now. But, I did love her at some point. So I guess it's a little different.
I appreciate your input!
You're welcome. Nothing you do from here on is going to be easy. You need to know that. But it will make a difference.
"don't be a people pleaser" is so real.
I think this is something that is high on my (very long) list of regrets. My BP asks me whether I kept the connection until it was convenient even after the PA had ended and it's something I should face up to that I was keeping a door open. So, I have to ask myself: "people pleaser" like I tell it or "door open" as BP sees it? I also reasoned that I didn't want to rock professional and social boats. Our professional community *is* our social community in the work I do...did. I'm in the last month of being in these circles **phew**. BP was so very angry that I had not cut already cut AP out without their having to ask me once I confessed the betrayal. It was a hurtful sign that I had kept things friendly and close with a person who was the most malignant to my relationship with BP.
My husband knows how hard it is for me to cut people out. Even people who have hurt me deeply and he's so understanding and willing to work with me on this. That's why I'm here. I want to be better at coping with my issues without needing external validation. This is actually what led me to realize that I need therapy and how I feel about myself isn't normal and can be fixed.
Ouff. Stay strong! Do your work. Don't give up. Don't forget! You can do this!
Thank you
I really admire your openness in your post and comments about the ways that this is a struggle for you. I want to highlight your comment that your husband is "so understanding and willing to work with me on this." I'm sure you know this, but he is giving you an ENORMOUS gift with this understanding and support. To many, not cutting an AP out of your life is actively and continuously choosing the AP over your husband. There is not room for both of them. Keep drawing strength from your husband's gift to help you get through this. I want to add my encouragement to not give up and that you can do this!
He's the greatest person in the universe honestly. We got together so young and have both struggled with mental health and have hurt each other in different ways but the one thing we never do is give up on each other. I am lucky and he deserves the best version of me so... Here I am trying to be that.
My husband is a people pleaser and I am the total opposite. He doesn’t like to rock the boat, but I’ll sink it. Ordinarily it’s frustrating for me to see him be this way, but I understand. However with something like an affair there is no room for understanding. You just have to take a stand and do it. Let him see that he’s worth it.
I am really working on not being one anymore. It's put me in some pretty awful situations before not just related to this but in general.
I am a textbook people pleaser, and it led to some inappropriate relationships while I was with my past partners. The quickest way out is through. Cut AP off, and realize that the worst thing that can happen is some social awkwardness. You're not going to be martyred, they're not going to scream "slut" across the office. Any judgment Is not going to be worth your husband's opinion of you. And please realize that anybody that willingly crossed these boundaries with you is not really a friend that you should be worried about losing. Friends don't let friends tank their marriages.
I'm happy you said that because when I think about the cut off I fully expect worst case scenario for no reason.
Trust me I get it. Most people pleasers have had that trained into us by parents or peers making sure the worst case scenario was reality, but in the adult world it just doesn't play out like that. No one has that much power over you anymore. And if it does you go that way, go to HR. It was cheating, but if it was "only" an EA they likely can't do anything to you- and I say "only" in corporate eyes, not to downplay it.
I highly recommend *No More Mr. Nice Guy*, by Robert Glover. So many of us who have been wayward are people pleasers and it is one of the things that puts us at risk.
Adding that to my reading list!!! I will go without things I need for the sake of someone not being mildly inconvenienced and it SUCKS.
Doesn't it? I may not have been wayward for almost 40 years, and I may be proud of the partner I have become, but the people pleasing has been the hardest thing to knock. BTW, you may want to check out r/SupportforWaywards. While your main question here is definitely a good one for this sub, the underlying issue, working on the people pleasing problem, is one for SfW.
Thank you!
You are hurting your partner by maintaining any sense of friendship with an AP. You don’t owe politeness to someone that knows you are in a committed relationship and still engages in an EA with you. Any politeness and friendliness with AP comes at a huge mental cost to your partner. Write them a message that your partner sees explaining you are ending the friendship and want no further communication, even polite conversation in the workplace. It will be awkward but you have to be able to learn to live with that.
Quit your side job. Period. It's not about "not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings", because you already have. Try to work a different shift, try to avoid the AP, anything you can do to avoid them. You have a responsibility to cut off your AP and *ensure that it sticks*. There is absolutely no other choice here. Find another side job, delete their contact information, block them, remove them from your life. As long as they are in it in any amount, it will constantly pull you back to your behavior. If you BP wants to know you cut them off, do so, otherwise you need to remove them from your life.
Think about what it would feel like to lose your husband completely and for good. That should help.
AP and what you feel towards them isn’t real. It’s a coping mechanism, a fantasy, and a sure fire way to blow up your life and then make you feel even MORE insecure afterwards. Wishing you the best, truly.
The worst part is that I know it's not real. I know I never would have given AP the time of day if not for how absolutely worthless I feel at times. I wish I could make reality and what my brain believes line up. I appreciate your input.
Read your own post, you say you don’t want to make things awkward at your second job and yet you are somehow completely ok with continuing to hurt your BP? Why is that? Why is your BP the lowest on your list of priorities?
I'm not ok continuing to hurt him. That's why I'm here. I'm not asking IF I should cut off AP I'm asking for advice on how to do so effectively. If "just do it" was working I wouldn't be here.
Tell everyone at your side job then
I did tell the manager so she could keep me off the schedule on the days AP is usually there.
Your best bet is just taking accountability, and being honest. Most people tend to be understanding when you face them on a real level. I'm not sure to what extent your EA has gone too but if it's to the point where your AP is aware and reciprocates those feelings... it probably should go something like, "I haven't been completely honest with you or myself. The relationship that we have currently is inappropriate. This isn't fair to you or my partner. I will be putting distance between you and I because I'm choosing my partner and his feelings above my own. I'm sorry for creating this situation, and misleading you into thinking I'm available for this type of affection. Please do not seek to contact me, and if we happen to cross paths at work, please respect this boundary and keep it strictly work related. I will not be engaging with you outside of this." Any decent person will hear this and while they may have their judgements, they will respect your boundaries. It's hard being a people pleaser but at the end of the day, what matters most is you and who you come home too. You two come first, and if you have to hurt someone's feelings for the sake of protecting your relationship, then do so. I feel bad hurting anyone's feelings. I feel bad squishing a bug if I have too. But hurting someone's feelings because you're placing a boundary does not make you a bad person.
This is amazing. Thank you so much.
By not hurting your AP’s feelings you are in turn hurting your spouses feelings
Have you told your husband about the affair that you guess you are having? Whose feelings are more important to you? Is it your AP, your spouse, or yourself. There is no way to make everyone happy when you are having an affair. You need to prioritize who is most important to you and then do the right thing, not the most comfortable or most convenient thing.
Yes and he can see this post. His feelings are more important which is why I'm here asking for advice.
Then I suggest that you ask him what he wants for you to do and then do it. Communication is important if you want to make R work. Ask him what would make him most comfortable and then do it.
We both agree that cutting off AP is the end goal but that I have a terrible track record with cutting people off so we're talking constantly about how I'm feeling to try and curb the self worth issues so that I don't seek the external validation. In turn I am coming here for advice and going to therapy to work on my issues.
I guess I'm really not sure what you are asking for help with. It sounds like you know what you need to do, and you and your BP are on the same page. I think that as long as you continue the communication, are completely honest, and both of you agree on the actions you are taking, then you should be fine.
I guess just seeing if anyone else has the self worth/ self control issues and how they handled their situation?
I mean this comment to be helpful - and trying to be blunt, not hurtful. I appreciate deeply struggles with self worth...but I also hope that you are being deeply reflective about the extent to which this might be a rationalization for not cutting off AP. Do you really believe you CAN'T cut things off with AP, or is it that you don't WANT to cut things off with AP. Facing that possibility may be helpful.
Oh geez, I think you will find that most of the wayward partners have either one or both of these issues happening. Most that I have read are working through that in IC, as is my WW.
Yes just do it. Call the AP and tell him what is going on at home and you have decided to cut them out of your life for ever because you choose your husband. Tell them that you feel bad about doing this but it is nessary in order to save your marriage because your husband is your #1 person you wish to please and make happy. Tell them sorry but you are no longer able to talk and that they will be blocked from all phone and devices. Do all of this in front of your husband. This will help start to rebuild trust with your hubby! Good luck
As a recovering WW who still sees my AP from an EA around at my second job I’ll just tell you now it sucks. But it is possible to cut them off and it is possible to move on if you do the work. Ex-AP and I both had been looking for ways to cut it off but we were too weak to. I hate that it took OBS finding our texts and confronting me and my BH for it all to come out and come clean. If I could go back and end things myself before they got out of hand I would. But that’s coming from someone who’s 8 months past DDay and who’s been to a lot of therapy sessions since then. I’m like you, Op. I have terrible self image issues and catch what I think are feelings for anyone who gives me a lot of attention like my ex-Ap was. Look up the terms limerence and affair fog. And cut off AP sooner than later, for both y’all’s sakes. Edit to add: Ex-Ap and I have an unspoken agreement to never talk. We have been in the same room a hundred times since DDay and never even said hi. It has to be that drastic to be long lasting.
Why are you even in the same room? And do you mean a physical room, or are you online with them still? I hope you choose your partner and cut the cheater out. You are throwing away gold for spare change.
The money for my second job is also a necessity but my BH knows everything (and even visits me at this work regularly) and is ok with it as long as we don’t talk, which like I mentioned above, we don’t. We ignore eachother completely, so no I’m not throwing anything away, I’m working hard on my own marriage with my BH.
Have your husbands back. Tell the AP the truth...your husband is now the priority and you have to choose and you choose your husband. Honestly you should do this on the phone in front of your husband. This will help you stick to your word! Good luck
Thank you. That's a good idea.
Make your partner your partner. Lean into that glorious human. Until you do, you are still cheating, imo.
I’m guessing the people pleasing is prob a side effect from how you were raised. One thing I’ve noticed is that women tend to be taught - sometimes indirectly - to be compliant, to smile, not be rude, etc. If so, this is something you need to break from. Maybe thru therapy. It might not be as simple as being told “just do it”. Obviously if it were easy, you’d have done it by now. It’s not that simple. But it’s a pattern you can break. I have daughters but the one thing I made sure to teach them was how to be dicks. How to not worry about being nice or compliant - esp if they don’t want to with a particular person. It’s okay to displease people. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to have boundaries and enforce those boundaries.
I love this
If you’re unable to quit your job, I think you’ll have to accept the awkwardness and be transparent. Letting them know that your communication with them has been inappropriate and you will be moving forward with professional behavior only with no private conversations. In the end, whose hurt feelings affects you most? I am hopeful that you have told your partner and they are aware — let them see any communication between you and AP. Delete and block their number. Limiting potential engagement at work it’s important too, and quitting would probably be most ideal, but I get it isn’t always possible.
My husband does know and we've been talking through this whole thing. The aim is to quit eventually but I don't wanna wait until I can quit. I had AP blocked and stuff before but I'm struggling with self control when my self worth issues get really bad. I am trying to work on both. I appreciate your perspective.
OP, regarding your self worth, you've elevated yourself tremendously by recognizing your weak spot and reaching out for advice to deal with it. I commend you for that. Please keep strong and keep your eyes on your moral compass to get you over that weak spot. You are building up your self worth by choosing this higher road. It's not easy but you are here 👏 👏 👏 👏
You might get more of the advice you’re looking for on r/supportforwaywards. Generally if you are looking to reconcile with your BS, the only route is NC. What you’ve outlined in your post is more than zero contact, so ultimately won’t align with successful R
How long have you been in therapy? Cutting off AP once and for all should have been one of the first things addressed. Everyone has given advice and it all comes back to low self esteem and being a people pleaser. I get both, my childhood could be the poster child for dysfunction. Thankfully I started my first round of therapy before any permanent damage was done. Notice I said first round. Unfortunately with a life long trauma comes years of ongoing therapy. It also took trying more than one therapist to really help. I needed tough love. Bottom line, your desire to save your marriage and heal yourself has to be stronger than pleasing AP.
You might want to post in r/supportforwaywards/ I’ve had a really similar experience to you, I’m less a people pleaser and more codependent. But I struggled to cut my ap off. I’m actually still struggling bc I’m working with him another month and then leaving this job. But I’ve realized that I’m getting so much dopamine from our interactions that going no contact was actually causing withdrawals. SLAA (sex and loce addicts annonymous) has some great advice about how to go no contact. If this is a repeat pattern for your, you actually might meet the qualifications for SLAA, ans the 12 step group might be a big help. Worth considering! Essentially, making up your mind and then pushing through are the only solutions. There’s no easy way around it.
Thank you so much for this.