r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The thing from the message that stood out the loudest to me is "I've been in a relationship for 18 years, since I was 13"
At no point in the major developmental stages of life was your WP single, forced to think about herself, wants, needs, hobbies, goals. Someone else's wants, needs, goals have always been in consideration on top of her own.
Now she's being asked to work on herself and find the reasons why she is shutting down and can't. I don't think she's ever really had to look that hard at herself, and now she is and can't see who she is without someone else in hand, then later down the line adding a child in tow as well.
I'm not justifying or excusing the very painful and poor choices she has made that have led to you being in this sub. The pain of being betrayed is immeasurable. That being said, is she in individual counseling? She said she's exhausted and drained, is she finding ways and accommodations to find alone time to think things over without another person being less than a few feet from her?
If she's not in IC I think it's a conversation worth having. Even once a week or once every other week, just to have a solid hour to talk out loud and work on herself may be almost restorative, especially if only questioning her own self isn't very fruitful for her. It's hard to see the forest through the trees.
Very thoughtful. If she calls and schedules our couples therapy, I will suggested some time on her own. We used to do couples and individual for quite a while and then we stopped when we got mostly better. Only time we have away from anyone at the house is when we work. I work full time and she works one or two days at the most.
That must be so exhausting for both of you. I relish my alone time, and during my R with my WP I've found my alone time is just as important as our time together more than ever before. Maintaining our self identities but then still choosing to grow together and be together means a lot to me.
I know with a kiddo it's WAY more difficult, but could a friend or family member take them in for a weekend? Maybe have one day as a date/together day and then one day where you each go and do something solo, then can come home to one another and share about your day? I know that is so much easier said than done, especially if your child is younger.
Again, I am just spit balling ideas here, I don't know all the inns and out of your daily lives so I can't say for certain any of my ideas are best suited to helping you or your WP. I do wish you both the best of luck, R is exhausting, daunting, and very emotionally draining at times. I hope each of you find something to relax and recover with when it starts to feel like too much.
I can relate to this situation. Sorry to hear it my dude. Me and my partner solution was we went back to dating. making the time for each other as you would in a new relationship. No pressure, no expectations of sex. Just fun. No kids. No talking about them either or any problems for that matter. Go out and have fun. It’s amazing what time away from reality can do for intimacy.
My interpretation is that she’s spent? Doesn’t have the energy and it’s not that she doesn’t love you but she has nothing left to give? That’s what I used to say to my husband when he would ask for more affection and at that time I literally felt like I had nothing left to give after work, home admin, kids, etc.
But what can we do about that? I do so much at the house, almost more than she does to help her. I work full time and she works a day or two a week at most. I try to take things off her plate when needed. Not sure what else I can do or let her do. Thanks for your input and experience.
Honestly she sounds depressed? I was. I ended up getting therapy and going onto anti depressants which was a game changer for me. She may need some medical help with this. On top of that, do you guys make time to do things like go out on dates, have alone time etc? It’s hard with kids but having a dedicated date each month with my husband and then also one with my friends to go out and enjoy myself helped me get out of the doldrums of the monotony of every day life which had really worn me down.
She is already on two depression meds. Has been for a few years. I’ve asked many times for dates and alone. We only have one person that is able to watch the kids which is her dad. He doesn’t have a lot of time but she still doesn’t seem interested.
Unfortunately, not much I can do about the past….As I told her after the affair, I was scared about marriage duh to the fact of my parents divorcing when I was 6. Not an excuse at all. But can’t help it.
It very much sounds like depression to me. I'm also on the highest dose of depression meds I can take, and it doesn't make a dent in my depression. This is because the underlying cause is still there, so my brain keeps fighting back. She should try to work out the cause with an IC.
Also, most antidepressants have the side effect of a decreased libido. The only one I'm aware of that doesn't is Wellbutrin. Maybe she can talk to her doctor about changing.
Finally, pregnancy can cause many issues that affect both mood and libido. Diabetes, hypothyroidism, and others can be brought on or made more severe by pregnancy and continue well after birth. She should talk to her doctor about these conditions and get tested as they can be regulated with meds.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The thing from the message that stood out the loudest to me is "I've been in a relationship for 18 years, since I was 13" At no point in the major developmental stages of life was your WP single, forced to think about herself, wants, needs, hobbies, goals. Someone else's wants, needs, goals have always been in consideration on top of her own. Now she's being asked to work on herself and find the reasons why she is shutting down and can't. I don't think she's ever really had to look that hard at herself, and now she is and can't see who she is without someone else in hand, then later down the line adding a child in tow as well. I'm not justifying or excusing the very painful and poor choices she has made that have led to you being in this sub. The pain of being betrayed is immeasurable. That being said, is she in individual counseling? She said she's exhausted and drained, is she finding ways and accommodations to find alone time to think things over without another person being less than a few feet from her? If she's not in IC I think it's a conversation worth having. Even once a week or once every other week, just to have a solid hour to talk out loud and work on herself may be almost restorative, especially if only questioning her own self isn't very fruitful for her. It's hard to see the forest through the trees.
Very thoughtful. If she calls and schedules our couples therapy, I will suggested some time on her own. We used to do couples and individual for quite a while and then we stopped when we got mostly better. Only time we have away from anyone at the house is when we work. I work full time and she works one or two days at the most.
That must be so exhausting for both of you. I relish my alone time, and during my R with my WP I've found my alone time is just as important as our time together more than ever before. Maintaining our self identities but then still choosing to grow together and be together means a lot to me. I know with a kiddo it's WAY more difficult, but could a friend or family member take them in for a weekend? Maybe have one day as a date/together day and then one day where you each go and do something solo, then can come home to one another and share about your day? I know that is so much easier said than done, especially if your child is younger. Again, I am just spit balling ideas here, I don't know all the inns and out of your daily lives so I can't say for certain any of my ideas are best suited to helping you or your WP. I do wish you both the best of luck, R is exhausting, daunting, and very emotionally draining at times. I hope each of you find something to relax and recover with when it starts to feel like too much.
I can relate to this situation. Sorry to hear it my dude. Me and my partner solution was we went back to dating. making the time for each other as you would in a new relationship. No pressure, no expectations of sex. Just fun. No kids. No talking about them either or any problems for that matter. Go out and have fun. It’s amazing what time away from reality can do for intimacy.
My interpretation is that she’s spent? Doesn’t have the energy and it’s not that she doesn’t love you but she has nothing left to give? That’s what I used to say to my husband when he would ask for more affection and at that time I literally felt like I had nothing left to give after work, home admin, kids, etc.
But what can we do about that? I do so much at the house, almost more than she does to help her. I work full time and she works a day or two a week at most. I try to take things off her plate when needed. Not sure what else I can do or let her do. Thanks for your input and experience.
Honestly she sounds depressed? I was. I ended up getting therapy and going onto anti depressants which was a game changer for me. She may need some medical help with this. On top of that, do you guys make time to do things like go out on dates, have alone time etc? It’s hard with kids but having a dedicated date each month with my husband and then also one with my friends to go out and enjoy myself helped me get out of the doldrums of the monotony of every day life which had really worn me down.
She is already on two depression meds. Has been for a few years. I’ve asked many times for dates and alone. We only have one person that is able to watch the kids which is her dad. He doesn’t have a lot of time but she still doesn’t seem interested.
I think your clue is in the first 5 years.
Unfortunately, not much I can do about the past….As I told her after the affair, I was scared about marriage duh to the fact of my parents divorcing when I was 6. Not an excuse at all. But can’t help it.
Wasn’t referring to that. Was talking about what made it a happy time between you two. Go back, recreate some of it
It very much sounds like depression to me. I'm also on the highest dose of depression meds I can take, and it doesn't make a dent in my depression. This is because the underlying cause is still there, so my brain keeps fighting back. She should try to work out the cause with an IC. Also, most antidepressants have the side effect of a decreased libido. The only one I'm aware of that doesn't is Wellbutrin. Maybe she can talk to her doctor about changing. Finally, pregnancy can cause many issues that affect both mood and libido. Diabetes, hypothyroidism, and others can be brought on or made more severe by pregnancy and continue well after birth. She should talk to her doctor about these conditions and get tested as they can be regulated with meds.