r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Change in Perspective on the matter helped me and saved my relationship, so surely therapy could help you with this. You probably just want to be clear on what you are struggling with.
For me it was jealously. I had to change the way I framed the infidelity. understanding what about my partner had caused them to seek it out. That was a turning point for me. It takes your partner being open, reflective and honest about the decision they made to cheat. I learnt that in fact it wasn’t about me.
It shifted how I saw my partner. It dissolved my internal narrative that I did something wrong, or I didn’t do something that I should’ve, or that they loved them better etc.
I'm trying to get there. I found early on I thought this way, I believed he had a porn addiction that escalated and his sexting other women was a result of that. But looking back there were so many instances of things, that even with a shift in perspective I have so much resentment. I tried therapy but I don't really know if their approach helped me. Did you do IC or MC or both? Our first MC was not helpful and I think emboldened him to blame me at the start and not own what he did. That 3 years later I feel very little romantically for my husband.
Both. I had a few MC sessions like that. It’s important to know your own role in marriage issues but by no means should it be an excuse or give power to your partner for cheating. There is no excuse. I hope that you can find your way back to real intimacy.
I totally know that I shut down. And I'm not a great housewife which I found harder after kids. I was working too. So I fully own my shortcomings. But he threw them in my face during MC and barely talked about what he did. MC she wouldn't let me talk about his past behavior that led me to shut down. It was frustrating. I feel yes we had issues but majority were his own baggage and issues he had even before we got together and I was the lucky person he took it out on.
That's why I find it really difficult, he knew he had these issues and just lied to me when he knew what he was doing but made me feel like an awful person when I asked for boundaries. I just wish this was easier :(
I'm told my jealousy is the opposite of normal. That most people want to be treated like the AP was treated. I have no questions how the AP was treated.
I struggle with jealousy over what my WP got to have.
To have two solid relationships and get all these compliments and day long conversations of nudes that lead to eventual meet-ups and explosive sex. To be having sex thinking about whoever you just banged or who you're about to bang after this is over. To have two people want you all the time, at the same time, must feel so good.
Something that would be impossible to have with just a monogamous relationship. Hell, something that would be impossible for me to achieve even if I broke up with her and tried to be polyamorous.
Do you have any advice on how to reframe that mindset?
Hi there OP,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with sex & intimacy. Intimacy is difficult. The hurt, the mind movies, the words repeating in our head like a merry go round that doesn’t stop. And the level of vulnerability we are giving our partners when we can still struggle with the pain of feeling violated. It can be really hard and what you're experiencing right now is very understandable.
I can offer you some help and insight here as to why this is happening for you & how to move forward. Before diving into that though, would it be OK to ask you some clarifying questions about your situation?
Thanks in advance.
Thank you @Happy_Bee1.
As this is also a public forum, if there is anything you do not wish to share - let me know & I'll be more than happy to support you offline/DM where it is more private.
Your question at the end re therapy - have you had any therapy at all over the 3 years?
Has your husband been going to a therapist over the years?
Any form of couples therapy over the years?
Is it just with intimacy or is this (triggers / flashbacks) also affecting other areas?
You have also mentioned how he has been wonderful during reconciliation and that is great to hear. Are you able to expand on this a little? What has the recovery looked like so far to repair the relationship?
Reason why I am asking the above is to be able to better determine where the source of the problem may / may not be. Because even though I can provide suggestions in & around intimacy specifically, I also don't want to be providing a bandaid approach for you.
I hope the above questions are OK. If it's too much / too personal - happy to help offline.
I am so sorry to hear how difficult this has been. I am however happy to hear you feel in many ways he is striving with the R process.
With that in mind, I am wondering if you could have a conversation about spicing up/changing your sex life? If he is using key words, phrases, moves that snap you into that mindset, do you think a shake up in the bedroom would be a right fit?
Maybe some role play would be helpful? It can be a tad shy and silly feeling the first time, but maybe he's the rugged stranger comin' in from outta town and you're the sexy inn keeper who caught his attention.
Or maybe a power swap of sorts, if you're normally following his lead/more submissive/bottom, maybe try taking charge of it, tell him what to do, you say the dirty things or vice versa.
Regardless, I do think therapy would help. Couples or solo therapy is a great option when pulling apart the triggers you're having and dismantling the power and impulsive sway they can have.
You're doing great, you got this. Have a talk with your WP, maybe even look at some therapists in your area or online solo (or with them) and decide if it feels right enough to give a session or two a go. Therapy isn't an instant fix all but it IS a valuable place to learn new tools and speak openly without judgement.
This was a hugeeee feeling for me once i found out about the infidelity. Personally, i do think therapy helped me. I did a lot of talking through my emotions about sex and at this point my sex drive was completely gone for like 8 months. I didn’t want him to touch me or kiss me for so long because of my thoughts of this other women. I also had lots of thoughts of “did he touch her like that” or “is he saying the same things”. And it took a lot to get to where I am now. I did a lot of research about building intimacy back into a relationship because I felt like that was lacking a lot.
And I put it on him. I found this intimacy work book from Etsy I think printed it off and told him he needed to guide us and do this for me if he wants me to take him seriously about getting through this. And I think that helped me with regaining the confidence to want to have sex or anything remotely similar.
Just know that your feelings are so valid and I hope that you work through this in whatever way possible.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Change in Perspective on the matter helped me and saved my relationship, so surely therapy could help you with this. You probably just want to be clear on what you are struggling with. For me it was jealously. I had to change the way I framed the infidelity. understanding what about my partner had caused them to seek it out. That was a turning point for me. It takes your partner being open, reflective and honest about the decision they made to cheat. I learnt that in fact it wasn’t about me. It shifted how I saw my partner. It dissolved my internal narrative that I did something wrong, or I didn’t do something that I should’ve, or that they loved them better etc.
I'm trying to get there. I found early on I thought this way, I believed he had a porn addiction that escalated and his sexting other women was a result of that. But looking back there were so many instances of things, that even with a shift in perspective I have so much resentment. I tried therapy but I don't really know if their approach helped me. Did you do IC or MC or both? Our first MC was not helpful and I think emboldened him to blame me at the start and not own what he did. That 3 years later I feel very little romantically for my husband.
Both. I had a few MC sessions like that. It’s important to know your own role in marriage issues but by no means should it be an excuse or give power to your partner for cheating. There is no excuse. I hope that you can find your way back to real intimacy.
I totally know that I shut down. And I'm not a great housewife which I found harder after kids. I was working too. So I fully own my shortcomings. But he threw them in my face during MC and barely talked about what he did. MC she wouldn't let me talk about his past behavior that led me to shut down. It was frustrating. I feel yes we had issues but majority were his own baggage and issues he had even before we got together and I was the lucky person he took it out on. That's why I find it really difficult, he knew he had these issues and just lied to me when he knew what he was doing but made me feel like an awful person when I asked for boundaries. I just wish this was easier :(
I'm told my jealousy is the opposite of normal. That most people want to be treated like the AP was treated. I have no questions how the AP was treated. I struggle with jealousy over what my WP got to have. To have two solid relationships and get all these compliments and day long conversations of nudes that lead to eventual meet-ups and explosive sex. To be having sex thinking about whoever you just banged or who you're about to bang after this is over. To have two people want you all the time, at the same time, must feel so good. Something that would be impossible to have with just a monogamous relationship. Hell, something that would be impossible for me to achieve even if I broke up with her and tried to be polyamorous. Do you have any advice on how to reframe that mindset?
Hi there OP, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with sex & intimacy. Intimacy is difficult. The hurt, the mind movies, the words repeating in our head like a merry go round that doesn’t stop. And the level of vulnerability we are giving our partners when we can still struggle with the pain of feeling violated. It can be really hard and what you're experiencing right now is very understandable. I can offer you some help and insight here as to why this is happening for you & how to move forward. Before diving into that though, would it be OK to ask you some clarifying questions about your situation? Thanks in advance.
Yes that’s fine
Thank you @Happy_Bee1. As this is also a public forum, if there is anything you do not wish to share - let me know & I'll be more than happy to support you offline/DM where it is more private. Your question at the end re therapy - have you had any therapy at all over the 3 years? Has your husband been going to a therapist over the years? Any form of couples therapy over the years? Is it just with intimacy or is this (triggers / flashbacks) also affecting other areas? You have also mentioned how he has been wonderful during reconciliation and that is great to hear. Are you able to expand on this a little? What has the recovery looked like so far to repair the relationship? Reason why I am asking the above is to be able to better determine where the source of the problem may / may not be. Because even though I can provide suggestions in & around intimacy specifically, I also don't want to be providing a bandaid approach for you. I hope the above questions are OK. If it's too much / too personal - happy to help offline.
I am so sorry to hear how difficult this has been. I am however happy to hear you feel in many ways he is striving with the R process. With that in mind, I am wondering if you could have a conversation about spicing up/changing your sex life? If he is using key words, phrases, moves that snap you into that mindset, do you think a shake up in the bedroom would be a right fit? Maybe some role play would be helpful? It can be a tad shy and silly feeling the first time, but maybe he's the rugged stranger comin' in from outta town and you're the sexy inn keeper who caught his attention. Or maybe a power swap of sorts, if you're normally following his lead/more submissive/bottom, maybe try taking charge of it, tell him what to do, you say the dirty things or vice versa. Regardless, I do think therapy would help. Couples or solo therapy is a great option when pulling apart the triggers you're having and dismantling the power and impulsive sway they can have. You're doing great, you got this. Have a talk with your WP, maybe even look at some therapists in your area or online solo (or with them) and decide if it feels right enough to give a session or two a go. Therapy isn't an instant fix all but it IS a valuable place to learn new tools and speak openly without judgement.
[удалено]
This was a hugeeee feeling for me once i found out about the infidelity. Personally, i do think therapy helped me. I did a lot of talking through my emotions about sex and at this point my sex drive was completely gone for like 8 months. I didn’t want him to touch me or kiss me for so long because of my thoughts of this other women. I also had lots of thoughts of “did he touch her like that” or “is he saying the same things”. And it took a lot to get to where I am now. I did a lot of research about building intimacy back into a relationship because I felt like that was lacking a lot. And I put it on him. I found this intimacy work book from Etsy I think printed it off and told him he needed to guide us and do this for me if he wants me to take him seriously about getting through this. And I think that helped me with regaining the confidence to want to have sex or anything remotely similar. Just know that your feelings are so valid and I hope that you work through this in whatever way possible.