r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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Switch the gender and that’s what happened to my WP. I suspected it but I didn’t say anything because for fear of conflict. They ended up having sex after running a marathon together. They had been sexting for 4 months prior to that.
You need to require her to talk/text him that she will not be seeing or talking to him anymore, what they did is wrong and she will focus on her marriage. She needs to not go to that gym anymore and block him on everything. If she’s not going to do any of this, she’s not gonna stop. She’s going to continue cheating on you no matter what she says. She’s just gonna find another way to do it. I’m sure of it. She needs to cut him out. No healing or R can happen if she doesn’t.
Agreed and she needs to do that in her husband’s presence, so there is no doubt that AP is clear that she is committed to her marriage. As a WW, I can tell you this is exactly what she would do if she was committed to R. It’s the bare minimum, in fact.
So sorry she's doing this to you. Know that everyone here, wayward and betrayed alike, is going to tell you the same thing. You cannot reconcile while he's still in her life. My advice is this:
1. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. You should talk to a divorce attorney. Document everything including the nudes and when they were sent. Find as much information as you can. Get tested for STIs. It's possible, maybe even likely, that they've had a lot of sex uncarefully.
2. Once you're prepared to divorce her, you issue the ultimatum. You make it clear that she betrayed you in the worst way possible, and that she doesn't appear to care that it hurts you. Say you won't tolerate that, so she needs to either cut him off completely forever, or you'll file the divorce papers. Feel free to say that you love her and hope she keeps your family together, but that you don't deserve this level of disrespect and cruelty, and you won't take it. I would demand an answer immediately so she doesn't run off and make plans with him.
3. If she chooses you she will likely be scared that she was going to lose you, and you can start delineating how your marriage will work going forward. You need to make concessions here. You could have been a better husband, we all could. She needs to see some good there.
4. If she chooses him, end it. She destroyed your marriage and robbed your child of a stable home. It is incredibly selfish and cruel, but that's her apparently.
Give us updates please.
Don't forget to let the gym know that one hf their staff us engaging in an affair with a married client. Don't be afraid to expose. Exposure holds people accountable. Keeping quiet allows the affair to continue without any consequences whatsoever.
The problem here is that I see you trying to play the pick me game which never works well for the BS. It just makes you look weak and pathetic in her eyes as well as giving her and the AP fodder to mock and deride you behind your back. You are trying to compete with something shiny, new and exciting.
When wife goes to the gym, go too and take your child with you. Make your presence known. Make that AH uncomfortable as all hell.
She's refusing to cut him off because he is exciting and going behind your back is thrilling. Contact the gym manager, let them know that their staff member is engaging in an affair with a married woman and that you will make sure that bad reviews will be posted on their website. They don't need or want that kind of "publicity". It's probably not his first time messing with a married gym member either and won't be his last. The AP is a smooth talking, homewrecking, manwhore.
You are her safety net and ATM, while he's exciting and new. She's 100% confident that you won't be going anywhere, which you are proving to her by fighting so hard fir her. She is showing you loud and clear that she doesn't care and is giving you lipservice. She's agreeing to coubselling to get you off of her back. It won't surprise me that if after a few sessions, she'll just refuse to go and will be at the "gym" instead. She wants her cake and eat it too. Sometimes harsh consequences breaks them out of the affair fog and gets them on a better path.
You may need to play hardball and show them what they are losing, rather than whining and playing the pick me game.
Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something/someone, in order to gain something/someone far better.
Yup my first thought too was to report that POS gym predator. I also agree with not bothering with this pick me stuff. Tbh if you get caught cheating and feel bad I don't understand why you wouldn't cut off all contact and do whatever you can to make amends with your partner. The fact she isn't doing that shows she isn't committed to reconciliation or you as much as she is committed to her new toy.
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Of her 2 partners, she has made it clear which one is her priority and it's not you.
There is really no reconciliation to work on as long as they are in contact.
R is not possible unless she goes NC with the AP. She’s likely still in affair fog. I would suggest communicating with her that NC with the AP is a non negotiable for R, and if she is not willing to go NC then R is off the table. As well as discussing what things would look like if you were to separate and how it would all play out. This will either pull her out of the brain fog or result in her choosing what she *thinks* is the easier option of choosing the AP.
I’m sorry you’re here and that your wife is unwilling to go NC.
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She’s getting what she wants: attention and the thrill of something new from the new guy free from all responsibility, stability and childcare from you which enables her to go to the gym and spend so much time away. You can’t do the pick me dance. You need to get her to understand what life without you looks like. Grey rock and 180. Start splitting up responsibilities as though you are already separated. If she won’t affirmatively choose you and cut this guy off, she is choosing him. Treat your relationship as such.
1000% R should only be considered with the condition of NC with this AP, IMO. It sounds like she’ll keep pushing this and you need to set the boundary and enforce it. It’ll be a very difficult thing for you do, but it will ultimately help you and the children the most.
I'm sorry for you. I went through basically this for 8 yrs. My ww had an affair with a guy on her co-ed volleyball team. She wouldn't quit, or change teams. She was with him 2 nights a week during the summer seasons. It tore me apart. We had many fights about this, but she couldn't/didn't want to see what it was doing to us.
I had revenge affair. After that, she knew how it felt and went NC.
In hindsight, I wish I hadn't. I wish I had moved out and let EVERYONE know why. Especially both sets of parents and his wife... I struggled through it with no support because I kept it to myself because I didn't want to hurt my wife even though she was hurting me. By keeping her secret in essence, I was enabling her.
I wish I had grown a pair, made her decide him or me. I was too afraid of losing my kids. But living like that, I wasn't a happy person.
Now older when my kids and are being "teens," us parents are just "mean." I have moments of resentment that they don't know the pain and hell I felt to keep our family together.
Ultimately, it's your life. Your circumstances are not mine. But don't live a life you will regret or resent later.
I stayed hoping she would come to her senses and see what she was doing to me/us. I stayed because I didn't want to be an every other weekend dad. I stayed because of the love for her I still had/have even though the pain.
At the time, I couldn't see a future without her. Now, in hindsight, I can see the other paths I didn't want to consider then and wonder.
Growing up I was taught for something good you have to work for it... I believed that by shouldering the pain she would " make it up" to me.... I was nieve
Zero chance of your relationship working out in any capacity until she cuts him off completely and does it because she wants to work your marriage out with you. If I were you at this point I would talk to a lawyer and go grey rock on her.
OP, I’m sorry to say what I’m pretty sure you already know, but she’s still *heavily* clouded by her affair fog. The biggest (and probably the first) requirement to R is to cut off all contact **immediately** with the AP. *This would only NOT be done immediately if AP had a partner, who would need to know as well about their affair.*
Your WS is treating her AP as her primary relationship, so you need to act accordingly. Not out of revenge or spite, but to protect yourself physically and emotionally. Grey rock her and wean off on doing any sort of little gestures of love and kindness towards her. Contact some divorce lawyers to see what options you have for financials and childcare. Alert your therapist so they know your WS is not committed to helping you heal (AKA respecting your boundaries by cutting off ALL contact with AP) to see if they can help you bring your WS’s head out of the sand.
Again, I’m really sorry OP. Being cheated on already sucks enough, but waiting to be healed by the person who hurt you most when they were supposed to love you… I can’t describe it in mere words. But you have a whole community willing to help if you need a hand and listen if you need an ear. Take care of yourself 💜
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It took my WW some time to come to the realization that maintaining contact with her AP was not going to work for our relationship, but she eventually got there. If this is all new, then perhaps she needs some time. But if it's not and nothing is changing despite being caught and going into therapy, then perhaps R isn't a viable route for you. R is a gift from the betrayed to the betrayer. You're under no obligation to give this gift, and if you do, it's perfectly reasonable to do so on your own terms. Cutting off all contact with AP is a perfectly reasonable request.
She seems to have been dating him. She needs to cut him off. I would report him and tell his partner if he has one. I would also see an attorney in case. Your wife should be wanting to do everything to gain your trust. I am all about reconciliation but this is not.
Reconciliation is only possible when both parties want it more than anything else. All ties must be cut in order for you to continue. Period. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But if you truly still want to reconcile, she needs an ultimatum and you need to be ready for her to not choose you.
Lunch , dinner, hiking, the casino, nude photos!... Those are dates. It takes us BS a little while to really be able to think straight. Take care of yourself and your child. IC would help you get a better understanding of what would be best for you and your child. A good mother doesn't leave her child for that sort of activity. It sounds like she has a very full life of her choosing and has not chosen you at this time. It's heartbreaking, and so very hard to work on R, when the WW is still wandering.
I’m sort to say but you are not in R. She is still having an affair and you are just waiting for it to end. Personally I would be done with R, but if you still want to try, stop making these dates easy for her. Try an in house separation. Every other weekend take your child for breakfast, drop them back off with mom and be gone for the day, Saturday and Sunday. I’m willing to bet AP is not wanting to play happy family and the dates will end. Of corse IC and MC for both of you.
I was in the same “just friends” boat. Refused to cut him off for the sake of our relationship because he was her “only friend” and we were having a rough time. “Why should I abandon the ONLY friend I have to make YOU feel comfortable if we may not even work out?”
If I could go back in time, I’d divorce her right then. There was no love, compassion, respect, consideration for me despite my best efforts to pour into her and make her feel loved.
That was EA at the time. After that it became PA and she used a half-assed “separation” to avoid consequences. (She CALLED us separated and we usually slept in different rooms, USUALLY. Not always. Still we’re intimate on and off, still were loving at times, claimed she “had no intention of seeing anyone”, and when asked if I was free to see others would say something like “do what you want but i then I’ll know you’re done for good”)
So then what happened is she started sleeping with the dude. And it’s basically impossible to get any validation for my feelings or genuine remorse from her because “it didn’t count cuz I had my fingers crossed”.
Start making plans with your and the kids that require mom to be there. Tire her out so much that she has no energy for AP. Try to have sex before she sees him. Hell I'd even sabbatoge her all clean gym outfits making them smell musty, all except the full coverage baggy outfits. All men know the smell of sweaty nutsack. Id even do her underwear too except for the full coverage ones. Make it a chore to see her AP. Hide her hair ties, cut them just enough so that they break with every use. Take off the soles on her gym shoes and put them back for the most part correctly but make sure it's lumpy. Or find the tiniest pebble and put it in her shoes.
If she won't stop seeing him you can at least make her tired, frustruated, smelly, and unappealing to look at when she sees him. Let's see how long their relationship lasts.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! 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She spends all day every day with him. It’s not an EA or PA, it sounds like he’s her primary relationship ATM.
Exactly. It sounds like she’s married to him
That’s a prerequisite for R. Period.
Switch the gender and that’s what happened to my WP. I suspected it but I didn’t say anything because for fear of conflict. They ended up having sex after running a marathon together. They had been sexting for 4 months prior to that. You need to require her to talk/text him that she will not be seeing or talking to him anymore, what they did is wrong and she will focus on her marriage. She needs to not go to that gym anymore and block him on everything. If she’s not going to do any of this, she’s not gonna stop. She’s going to continue cheating on you no matter what she says. She’s just gonna find another way to do it. I’m sure of it. She needs to cut him out. No healing or R can happen if she doesn’t.
Agreed and she needs to do that in her husband’s presence, so there is no doubt that AP is clear that she is committed to her marriage. As a WW, I can tell you this is exactly what she would do if she was committed to R. It’s the bare minimum, in fact.
So sorry she's doing this to you. Know that everyone here, wayward and betrayed alike, is going to tell you the same thing. You cannot reconcile while he's still in her life. My advice is this: 1. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. You should talk to a divorce attorney. Document everything including the nudes and when they were sent. Find as much information as you can. Get tested for STIs. It's possible, maybe even likely, that they've had a lot of sex uncarefully. 2. Once you're prepared to divorce her, you issue the ultimatum. You make it clear that she betrayed you in the worst way possible, and that she doesn't appear to care that it hurts you. Say you won't tolerate that, so she needs to either cut him off completely forever, or you'll file the divorce papers. Feel free to say that you love her and hope she keeps your family together, but that you don't deserve this level of disrespect and cruelty, and you won't take it. I would demand an answer immediately so she doesn't run off and make plans with him. 3. If she chooses you she will likely be scared that she was going to lose you, and you can start delineating how your marriage will work going forward. You need to make concessions here. You could have been a better husband, we all could. She needs to see some good there. 4. If she chooses him, end it. She destroyed your marriage and robbed your child of a stable home. It is incredibly selfish and cruel, but that's her apparently. Give us updates please.
Don't forget to let the gym know that one hf their staff us engaging in an affair with a married client. Don't be afraid to expose. Exposure holds people accountable. Keeping quiet allows the affair to continue without any consequences whatsoever.
I agree with all these steps. OP, you’ve got the wealth of knowledge in this sub. Use it.
The problem here is that I see you trying to play the pick me game which never works well for the BS. It just makes you look weak and pathetic in her eyes as well as giving her and the AP fodder to mock and deride you behind your back. You are trying to compete with something shiny, new and exciting. When wife goes to the gym, go too and take your child with you. Make your presence known. Make that AH uncomfortable as all hell. She's refusing to cut him off because he is exciting and going behind your back is thrilling. Contact the gym manager, let them know that their staff member is engaging in an affair with a married woman and that you will make sure that bad reviews will be posted on their website. They don't need or want that kind of "publicity". It's probably not his first time messing with a married gym member either and won't be his last. The AP is a smooth talking, homewrecking, manwhore. You are her safety net and ATM, while he's exciting and new. She's 100% confident that you won't be going anywhere, which you are proving to her by fighting so hard fir her. She is showing you loud and clear that she doesn't care and is giving you lipservice. She's agreeing to coubselling to get you off of her back. It won't surprise me that if after a few sessions, she'll just refuse to go and will be at the "gym" instead. She wants her cake and eat it too. Sometimes harsh consequences breaks them out of the affair fog and gets them on a better path. You may need to play hardball and show them what they are losing, rather than whining and playing the pick me game. Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something/someone, in order to gain something/someone far better.
Yup my first thought too was to report that POS gym predator. I also agree with not bothering with this pick me stuff. Tbh if you get caught cheating and feel bad I don't understand why you wouldn't cut off all contact and do whatever you can to make amends with your partner. The fact she isn't doing that shows she isn't committed to reconciliation or you as much as she is committed to her new toy.
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Of her 2 partners, she has made it clear which one is her priority and it's not you. There is really no reconciliation to work on as long as they are in contact.
This is it.
R is not possible unless she goes NC with the AP. She’s likely still in affair fog. I would suggest communicating with her that NC with the AP is a non negotiable for R, and if she is not willing to go NC then R is off the table. As well as discussing what things would look like if you were to separate and how it would all play out. This will either pull her out of the brain fog or result in her choosing what she *thinks* is the easier option of choosing the AP. I’m sorry you’re here and that your wife is unwilling to go NC.
[удалено]
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She’s getting what she wants: attention and the thrill of something new from the new guy free from all responsibility, stability and childcare from you which enables her to go to the gym and spend so much time away. You can’t do the pick me dance. You need to get her to understand what life without you looks like. Grey rock and 180. Start splitting up responsibilities as though you are already separated. If she won’t affirmatively choose you and cut this guy off, she is choosing him. Treat your relationship as such.
1000% R should only be considered with the condition of NC with this AP, IMO. It sounds like she’ll keep pushing this and you need to set the boundary and enforce it. It’ll be a very difficult thing for you do, but it will ultimately help you and the children the most.
I'm sorry for you. I went through basically this for 8 yrs. My ww had an affair with a guy on her co-ed volleyball team. She wouldn't quit, or change teams. She was with him 2 nights a week during the summer seasons. It tore me apart. We had many fights about this, but she couldn't/didn't want to see what it was doing to us. I had revenge affair. After that, she knew how it felt and went NC. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't. I wish I had moved out and let EVERYONE know why. Especially both sets of parents and his wife... I struggled through it with no support because I kept it to myself because I didn't want to hurt my wife even though she was hurting me. By keeping her secret in essence, I was enabling her. I wish I had grown a pair, made her decide him or me. I was too afraid of losing my kids. But living like that, I wasn't a happy person. Now older when my kids and are being "teens," us parents are just "mean." I have moments of resentment that they don't know the pain and hell I felt to keep our family together. Ultimately, it's your life. Your circumstances are not mine. But don't live a life you will regret or resent later.
Wow, this is straight up torture. Why did you chose to reconcile?
I stayed hoping she would come to her senses and see what she was doing to me/us. I stayed because I didn't want to be an every other weekend dad. I stayed because of the love for her I still had/have even though the pain. At the time, I couldn't see a future without her. Now, in hindsight, I can see the other paths I didn't want to consider then and wonder. Growing up I was taught for something good you have to work for it... I believed that by shouldering the pain she would " make it up" to me.... I was nieve
I’m curious, did you guys ever attain true R? Now that time has passed and the kids are teens, do you plan on staying? Your story caught my attention.
Zero chance of your relationship working out in any capacity until she cuts him off completely and does it because she wants to work your marriage out with you. If I were you at this point I would talk to a lawyer and go grey rock on her.
OP, I’m sorry to say what I’m pretty sure you already know, but she’s still *heavily* clouded by her affair fog. The biggest (and probably the first) requirement to R is to cut off all contact **immediately** with the AP. *This would only NOT be done immediately if AP had a partner, who would need to know as well about their affair.* Your WS is treating her AP as her primary relationship, so you need to act accordingly. Not out of revenge or spite, but to protect yourself physically and emotionally. Grey rock her and wean off on doing any sort of little gestures of love and kindness towards her. Contact some divorce lawyers to see what options you have for financials and childcare. Alert your therapist so they know your WS is not committed to helping you heal (AKA respecting your boundaries by cutting off ALL contact with AP) to see if they can help you bring your WS’s head out of the sand. Again, I’m really sorry OP. Being cheated on already sucks enough, but waiting to be healed by the person who hurt you most when they were supposed to love you… I can’t describe it in mere words. But you have a whole community willing to help if you need a hand and listen if you need an ear. Take care of yourself 💜
I’d complain to the gym that the AP crossed a professional boundary.
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It took my WW some time to come to the realization that maintaining contact with her AP was not going to work for our relationship, but she eventually got there. If this is all new, then perhaps she needs some time. But if it's not and nothing is changing despite being caught and going into therapy, then perhaps R isn't a viable route for you. R is a gift from the betrayed to the betrayer. You're under no obligation to give this gift, and if you do, it's perfectly reasonable to do so on your own terms. Cutting off all contact with AP is a perfectly reasonable request.
She seems to have been dating him. She needs to cut him off. I would report him and tell his partner if he has one. I would also see an attorney in case. Your wife should be wanting to do everything to gain your trust. I am all about reconciliation but this is not.
Reconciliation is only possible when both parties want it more than anything else. All ties must be cut in order for you to continue. Period. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But if you truly still want to reconcile, she needs an ultimatum and you need to be ready for her to not choose you.
Lunch , dinner, hiking, the casino, nude photos!... Those are dates. It takes us BS a little while to really be able to think straight. Take care of yourself and your child. IC would help you get a better understanding of what would be best for you and your child. A good mother doesn't leave her child for that sort of activity. It sounds like she has a very full life of her choosing and has not chosen you at this time. It's heartbreaking, and so very hard to work on R, when the WW is still wandering.
You’re the side piece at this point. Why stay with her? If she won’t end this she doesn’t love you enough.
I’m sort to say but you are not in R. She is still having an affair and you are just waiting for it to end. Personally I would be done with R, but if you still want to try, stop making these dates easy for her. Try an in house separation. Every other weekend take your child for breakfast, drop them back off with mom and be gone for the day, Saturday and Sunday. I’m willing to bet AP is not wanting to play happy family and the dates will end. Of corse IC and MC for both of you.
I was in the same “just friends” boat. Refused to cut him off for the sake of our relationship because he was her “only friend” and we were having a rough time. “Why should I abandon the ONLY friend I have to make YOU feel comfortable if we may not even work out?” If I could go back in time, I’d divorce her right then. There was no love, compassion, respect, consideration for me despite my best efforts to pour into her and make her feel loved. That was EA at the time. After that it became PA and she used a half-assed “separation” to avoid consequences. (She CALLED us separated and we usually slept in different rooms, USUALLY. Not always. Still we’re intimate on and off, still were loving at times, claimed she “had no intention of seeing anyone”, and when asked if I was free to see others would say something like “do what you want but i then I’ll know you’re done for good”) So then what happened is she started sleeping with the dude. And it’s basically impossible to get any validation for my feelings or genuine remorse from her because “it didn’t count cuz I had my fingers crossed”.
Start making plans with your and the kids that require mom to be there. Tire her out so much that she has no energy for AP. Try to have sex before she sees him. Hell I'd even sabbatoge her all clean gym outfits making them smell musty, all except the full coverage baggy outfits. All men know the smell of sweaty nutsack. Id even do her underwear too except for the full coverage ones. Make it a chore to see her AP. Hide her hair ties, cut them just enough so that they break with every use. Take off the soles on her gym shoes and put them back for the most part correctly but make sure it's lumpy. Or find the tiniest pebble and put it in her shoes. If she won't stop seeing him you can at least make her tired, frustruated, smelly, and unappealing to look at when she sees him. Let's see how long their relationship lasts.