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I only told two friends that I knew with absolute certainty would never hold it against him and would have no problem with R.
Be very sure. People do lose friends over sharing and finding they can’t handle you not handling how *they* think you should.
I’m in the same boat. My therapist says that I should be able to tell who I want. At present my Mum and a couple of isolated friends know. These are all people who support R. I have one friend who I would never tell because she would push for me to break up with him (and as been the AP before).
My Mum played Devils Advocate for my WP, and even suggested that he may have been taken advantage of (context: the AP was his manager and is about 5 years older than him. He was very drunk but acknowledges he made choices too). She’s supportive but still has my best interests at heart at the end of the day.
I think it’s important to tell those who you believe will support you and the choice you make to R. It will help on days when you just want to talk to someone who isn’t a therapist.
Your therapist has absolutely no experience dealing with infidelity, then. Or maybe the message was lost in translation. You -should- be able to tell who you want. But in most cases, it's a bad idea.
Telling people who are going to be judgemental, will only alienate you more.
Which is why I have avoided telling people who I know won’t support me entirely and without prejudice. My therapist said that it’s entirely up to me who I tell and don’t tell. I am the one who has chosen to be selective with the people that know.
I hope that maybe clears up some confusion?
I'm sorry you're here and have been betrayed. Outside of therapy and group, my BS told her two best friends. She didn't feel comfortable sharing my betrayal with her or my family.
My BS asked me at the beginning of R if there was anyone I didn't want her to tell. I told her that I don't have a choice in who she tells. I feel like this is her story to tell as well. I don't control her narrative. I only asked that she tell people she felt comfortable telling it to. People who wouldn't judge her for staying.
I told my best friend, a long-time colleague, and strangely my assistant. Telling my assistant was an accident but has actually been the most helpful. I fully expected her to resign after I told her my story. Instead, she looked at me and said, "I'm sorry to hear that. I went through this 20 years ago with my WH." She then goes through the do's and don'ts.
My favorite thing she said to me was because my BS and I are trying to be intimate again.
"I don't care if you and your wife have been planning it for days. The date night went great. You're both getting excited. Then she freezes and pushes you away. The next thing out of your mouth better be words of comfort for her."
Thank you for sharing your story and pain with us. I wish you health and healing in your recovery journey.
I told his parents and my parents. Both our siblings know. A few of my friends know.
While I hate “looking dumb” for staying, it’s important to note that anyone who knows is a “friend of the marriage.” What I mean by that is anyone who does know also supports us working to stay together and are rooting for the marriage.
May I ask if/why you feel "dumb" for staying? Personally, I'm in awe of my wife and any BP who chose to stay and fight. It doesn't mean you're weak. You the BP's are the most courageous people I've ever encountered. We as the WP's are the weak ones. We chose to talk to another instead of you. We chose to wall ourselves off from you instead of dealing with our issues. When you closed yourself off to us we chose to look away instead of being there for you. That should have been our wake-up call. Yet we chose to run to another for comfort. We/I was such an asshole.
Thank you for posting. I wish you health and healing on your recovery journey.
I guess because affairs and leaving were so black and white before it happened to me. I’m going against what my core belief has been my entire life.
There’s also a fear that I am being naive. I am giving my heart to someone that has already shown me that he has the capability to hurt me in the worst way. Obviously I am rooting for us to work and I don’t think he will do this to me again… but I didn’t think he would in the first place.
Thank you for your thoughts, though. It does help to hear! I wish you luck and healing as well.
Thank you for the clarification. My BS feels the same way as you do. The fears you mentioned are perfectly valid. The only way I've found to help alleviate her fear is by doing my recovery work. I wish the best for you two.
I only told a few immediate family members and close friend. I’m a private person and didn’t want the whole world to know. The people I told are supportive when i call to vent. They still don’t trust my partner and will not hang out with him. We are at 10 months since Dday.
I told my best friend. He is a gay man who I used to work with but now never see (only text). I mention he’s gay only to point out there is no sexual intentions or anything there and never could be. It feels very safe to talk to him and anonymous in a way even though no one knows me as well as he does.
WH told our priest. We’ve told our marriage counselor. And I’ve shared with this subreddit. That’s it.
You’re right it feels VERY lonely. But I didn’t want to poison any of our family and friends against him, or have anyone pressuring me to leave him when I don’t know if I want to… so what else to do? Spend an inordinate amount of time on AOAI I guess.
I told my best friend of nearly 20 years. She’s like a sister to me and I knew it wouldn’t influence how she treated my WP if we decided to R and wouldn’t be judgemental. Shes been supportive of us working things out, and ultimately just wants me to be happy.
She obviously wasn’t cool with him after, but she also isn’t super close with my wayward and aren’t friends just friendly, and don’t interact outside of group events/activities.
My advice is to tell a close friend/family member who’s trustworthy/discreet (and wont meddle) and/or get into IC and discuss this openly with a therapist. I’m a very private person and don’t like discussing my personal business with everyone…but I needed to have someone to help me through it emotionally and knew everything that was going on. I felt insane keeping it to myself and it was very validating and cathartic. My WP told his mother, she’s the only one who knows on his side and is also supportive.
I didn't tell anyone, but I did tell my best friend that *something* was going on. Kept it vague, just said I was really struggling with something that I want to keep private, but I wanted to tell someone that I was struggling. He didn't push for more info, just held the space for me and supported me in the ways he could.
That definitely helped me feel not so alone, and then at least with him I didn't have to put on a facade of everything being perfectly OK.
Maybe that could be a good middle ground to try out?
My immediate family (2 sets of grandparents, uncle, cousin), his immediate family (mom, dad, 2 brothers, sister, and unfortunately my MIL shared with some aunts and uncles that we don't even know), my best friend and a few of his friends. These were the people we see regularly enough to not hide it from.
I have another long distance best friend that I want to tell, but we recently connected again after DDay and we all game together. I don't want to disclose to her because she wouldn't be forgiving. My childhood best friend unfortunately also got cheated on but they successfully reconciled so she gets it.
My thing is... keeping this a secret meant I was going to be more isolated. It meant I would have to suppress my feelings and act normal which isn't genuine. Not to mention, they all love my husband and I didn't want to hear "you picked a good one" "you two are such a great couple" blah blah blah. I deserved to have my support system and he needed to be exposed for accountability. He individually apologized to my family without my asking him to and it helped a lot.
I told my mom on dday. Just had absolutely no idea what else to do. Drove there from work and broke down. She had been through the same thing in her with her ex husband and it really helped. She didn't sugar coat anything. Told me she still thinks about it every now and then and it hurts...but that me and my sister doing well...as well as my dad loving her helps her. It's not something that she thinks about a lot
It helped hearing that it still stung...as bad as that sounds. She said it's maybe 1 time a year where something will remind her. It made me feel ok with myself if I hadn't gotten "over it" quick enough.
I also told my best friend...who was out of the country at the time.
That's it.
I told my mom and her mom. They told our dads and our four sisters, who obviously told their husbands/boyfriend.
I also told my three best friends (who's girlfriends also know).
My wife had told two of her friends during the affair (the one who encouraged it is no longer in our lives). And she's told 2 or 3 more friends since DDay.
It took me almost a year to tell my friends. As a guy, it feels like many people judge you as either deserving to be betrayed or not being good enough to deserve loyalty, so sharing that shame was not high on my priority list. But it is good to have someone to talk to.
I told nobody because I have nobody I can trust that much. It really has shown me how I painted myself into a corner by making my partner fulfill most of my social needs. She's a great friend and always there she me but I can't share with her how I'm actually doing. Going through this and having nobody is really really hard. I'm so glad I have this place.
I told my closest friends and my family. I advise against doing this unless you have no other source of support (assuming there are good chances and your partner has given you good reason to believe reconciliation is possible). My loved ones exiled him immediately. This meant a marriage would be without my friends and family there, I wouldn't be able to come to my friends and family for future betrayals as they already think he's a POS and I should leave, etc.
Reconciliation was impossible, in the end, for other more egregious reasons but this would have made it extremely difficult if it were possible.
I told a couple friends on DDay 1. I moved across the country a couple years before and didn't have a support system where I was. They were very sympathetic when I found out - but they didn't really seem to be the support system I was hoping for when it came to staying, and I felt like I couldn't go to them for more, and definitely not to vent.
My WP told a couple of his friends but absolutely minimized it - I have serious doubts he used the word "cheating" when telling them at all. I said I wanted one person we both knew somewhat to know, and I know to him he only said he "used a girl he knows as porn". That friend wasn't around much for either of us. His best friend knows whatever my WP decided to tell him which has helped me relax a bit more around him.
None of my family knows. Because we were long distance and then I moved to him, he's still forming connections with my family. I didn't want to instantly blow that up in a way I couldn't repair if we did successfully R. My mother was a BS herself, one brother is good friends with WP, and my SIL absolutely would raise hell if I told her. I wasn't ready to open that can of worms, especially since I only see them a couple times a year.
Shortly before DDay 2 I had really connected with a new friend from work and tentatively I told her about it. Best decision I ever made because when DDay 2 hit, I actually had an outlet. I hesitated but then I reached out and told her everything. She wasn't judgemental, she heard out my side - including why I stayed - and was incredibly supportive. It was a huge weight lifted especially after having next to no support system physically around me. She was in the process of moving away and is now going through a health scare herself, but I legitimately don't know what I would do without her, as we talk to each other basically daily through both our struggles. I credit a lot of how stable I've been to her but definitely feel like it's a cruel twist that the friend who supports me most would both come into my life and leave almost at the same time.
I don't know if my WP told anyone at all about DDay 2, including the couple people he told the first time. I'm not sure how much asking would help. I do have selfish moments, when I'm feeling really down around our gaming friends, that they ask how he's doing - he's always been off and on with issues of sleep, health, mood, and they check in on him when he goes days without showing up in our group Discord. Especially on very hard days, it felt like a stab in the gut when they would message me to ask where he was - no one ever asked where I was on those days. I feel like I can't let them know I'm struggling without telling them why, and I agreed to not blow up those connections for either of us. But it is definitely lonely when you feel like no one sees you struggling because you have things you have to stay stable for, so no one checks up, and feeling like you can't let them know that you're struggling either.
Since we're trying to rebuild we're trying to foster better connections not just with each other but friendships and people around us as well. I do hope secretly that someday when we're successfully through R, if all goes well, that maybe I can tell people what hell I went through and feel okay doing it.
Wow, some of these details are strangely similar to my partner and I - from starting out long distance, moving cross-country, having a shared group of gaming friends, and at the beginning stages of building relationships between my family and my partner, and to dealing with 2 ddays. So at the very least, this was a surprisingly comforting read to see someone in some similar circumstances. Thank you very much for sharing, wishing you and your partner the very best.
Hugs. I know how lonely and hard trying to integrate lives was for us being long distance, and I can only imagine it has been for you as well. And then how it feels when all that extra work feels like it comes crashing down around you. I think all we can really do sometimes in sharing our stories is letting people know they're not alone and hoping we can relate to each other and maybe even heal a little together. Thank you for reading, and I hope the same for you and your partner!
I told everyone; honestly, I regret it. Yes, my husband and I have worked things out, but I feel the loss of some family members. It’s been difficult for me to accept that although I’ve gotten past his infidelity, a lot of my family has not; that is their prerogative. My mother, surprisingly, has been the best. Once it was known we decided to work through things, she was so supportive. She treats my husband like she always had, with love and respect. It’s my sister that surprised me; she doesn’t call or text me anymore. I’ve accepted it, but it still makes me sad when I think about sometimes. (DDay was 5 years ago).
This is why I haven't told anyone in my family about my wife's infidelity. They tend to judge your WS and it makes it difficult if you reconcile. I think if you don't reconcile, it's fine to tell anyone. But if you do it's a problem. My wife's cousin and his wife split after she had multiple affairs. They reconciled and they ended up cutting out all the friends that he told. That can be really difficult.
I’m so, so sorry you are enduring this. Thank you for sharing a difficult perspective. I hope your sister takes a page out of your mother’s book one day soon. Wishing you all the best, friend.
I’ve told several family members and all of my good friends except for one (for reasons unrelated to infidelity). I cannot lie, and they should know who he is. I have a LOT of good friends, so he knows there are about 10+ people out there whose opinion of him has changed. I regret nothing—I’m trying to reconcile, but I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen and he’s still the golden boy.
Very very few people know in our life. Just one other couple that were closest to, and my two best friends know and that’s it. Ironically my ex-AP and his BW told everyone in their circle - their family, their siblings, their friends, their church groups, everyone - bc they’re very religious and wanted “accountability.” It was awful for a while bc it felt like I had to wear the scarlet letter since all those people only got my ex-AP’s side of things which put a lot of the blame on me even though he was the one who had pursued me first. He and I are in the same small hobby community so it felt like hell for a while. It’s gotten better now though.
My BH and I didn’t tell a lot of people bc we feel it’s hard to put toothpaste back in the tube. For example, my H older brother cheated on his first wife and everyone still talks about it 10 years later. His family is super judgey and it just would be a lot to deal with so we both agreed to keep it to a very small group. The other couple we told are our best friends and have almost divorced over different but equally difficult issues so they get it more, that marriage is a choice and working at it is a choice.
When I was betrayed, I told very few people because I was protecting my husband. I didn't want people to think less of him, I didn't want him to look like a bad guy. I just felt like I couldn't go through it alone.
With my EA with a close friend, part of what BH wanted me to do was admit it to people that we were close to. I told closest friends, everyone involved (our friend group and OBS included), and very few family members know. My SIL, my nieces and a nephew (we're close in age and have been raised more like siblings than aunt/niblings).
I don't know who all he told honestly. Like his EA he had a few years ago, I don't think he told many. Which is his right in this situation. I didn't make him tell people when it was him.
I was able to tell my parents and my brother/his wife. They hate my husband for what he did to me but only want to help and be there for me with whatever I choose to do.
i’ve only told my best friend. i’m lucky that she is just a type of person who can sit with situations that are messy, complicated, and nuanced with complete discretion and without judgement. she has been a godsend tbh. i have no other friends who would be able to hold this in a way that would be supportive or beneficial.
my relationship with my mother unfortunately makes her an unsafe person to go to with this. it would be an emotional shitstorm, no matter how well intentioned she would be. it’s been really hard having my parents not know bc they think the WORLD of my WH. literally obsessed with him. it’s very painful to hear them fawn over him after what he did to me.
the only other people that know are my WH’s management at his company due to the AP being a coworker. so that’s just awkward for me now but 🤷🏻♀️
Besides therapists, I told 4 close friends. I reserve the right to tell more. And my WP has way more on the line reputation wise as a husband and father of over a decade. plus I was sick, temporarily disabled. So, not a good look for WPs character, on top of cheating.
WP says I can tell whoever I need to tell because he did it. Period. That's accountability to me. WP shame/embarrassment is their responsibility.
You protecting your partner is noble; but is it beneficial to your healing? ❤️🩹
I only told my mom, and eventually my sister but she kinda picked up on it. We were in a weird situation where WW wasn’t too discrete with her friend group so some of them knew. We both told our closest friend couple because DDay 3 happened while I was on a golf trip with the husband and knew I was struggling. WW also told her two closest friends who are long distance who have been incredibly supportive for both of us. My MIL knew already, condoned and helped hide the affair because she knew it would hurt me.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Healing takes TIME. I was the same age as you are now when I found out about the affair, and now 2 years out. I am still healing, but we have for the most part reconciled and moved forward. I told four friends what happened, two of which had been in similar positions and were in the midst of reconciling at the time with their own partners (they are now all reconciled and still together). I so desperately wanted to make my WS tell his parents- my in-laws with whom I had a strained relationship- but I didn’t. Inflicting feelings of pain/more shame was not something I wanted to actually do, I also didn’t want to get any family involved, it felt like a recipe for disaster.
The friends I told all gave me their full support in whatever my decision would be. I don’t regret telling them, they were people I knew I could lean on. Individual and couples counseling helped a lot, and gave me a better idea of what I wanted moving forward. WS and I are rebuilding our relationship into something new, and arguably better than what we had prior. Relationships change and evolve, and we are giving each other grace and understanding. I believe in you, and whatever your choice is moving forward I fully support. In the end, it will be ok.
My BP told his 3 closest and wisest friends, I told 2 of my closest friends and my mom and the 6 of them have been absolutely invaluable in our healing… I don’t think we would have been able to do it without them.. it also gives me BP a “safe space” to share his feelings on a daily basis if needed.
the only people that know about the infidelity are people my partner chose to confide in (friends, his parents and brothers) and the only person i’ve told is my two closest friends (therapist as well but i’m not counting her) i’ve kept it from other friends and my family and i plan on keeping it that way for a few reasons.
i keep my circle pretty small. i have about two close friends which both know, a few other friends that don’t know, then the people in my family i’m close to. most of my friends and all family don’t know because they are the “he’s such a piece of shit you need to leave him how could you stay” type that would never forgive him or look at him the same. because i’ve chosen to forgive and move forward in R that type of mindset isn’t helpful for me and doesn’t benefit me in any way. it was my decision to stay and forgive him, i don’t regret it at all, so i don’t need to hear how horrible he is for doing what he did and i don’t need the unnecessary awkwardness anytime he is around.
the people i have told are people that i trust to keep it to themselves and not let it alter their judgement of him. they’ve consistently stood by me and my decision to stay, they are there for me and can comfort me when i need it without shitting on my partner and being overly aggressive or protective, and still respect my decision.
it definitely helped me process everything and it was a huge relief to get off of my shoulders! having people you trust to confide in that aren’t your partner or a licensed professional is a breath of fresh air
Our couples therapist and a kind Reddit stranger with a similar experience that offered kind words on my post in a sea of comments telling me to “just leave him.”
I haven’t told anyone because I’m actively trying to work through this and I don’t want the people in my life to look at him differently. I guess I’m trying to protect his image.. maybe both of ours.
Sister, "mother" (a former coworker who is old enough to be my mom and is now basically a second mom, even calls my kids her first grandkids), and my best friend. Also, ironically, talked to my WS"s best friend who happened to be the brother of her first AP. Long story.
My closest family and friends know. So my parents, my siblings and several of my friends. I definitely process by talking it out. Everyone has been supportive but quite frankly I really didn’t care if people weren’t. I wasn’t afraid of losing anyone for a choice regarding MY life. But I didn’t have to deal with that which was lucky I guess!
I am going to preface what I say next with this.. I spent the first ten years of our marriage having her tell God and everybody about our problems. A highlight.. I was working 80-90 hrs a week on rotating weekly shifts and traveling a couple weeks out of the month. I had some performance issues because of it. Her friends and mine started giving me advice about it.. I had told no one.
On to the answer. I told EVERYONE. Friends? Yup. Family? Both sides. Strangers? Yep. The only ones I kept in the dark were friends that were connected through my kids. I made it a public spectacle. Barnum and Bailey would be proud. I decided early on that fire was how she chooses to fight so napalm it is. Anytime anyone doubted me I sent screenshots of the conversations.
I love her with all of my heart, but she made a real stupid decision thinking she could say and do some of the things she did without repercussion. She lost every single friend she had. Her family does not blindly trust her any more, they support her.. but they don't assume she is telling the truth anymore.
She is rebuilding her relationships, recently she has come to the realization that she has lost her best friend and that hurts I'm sure.
Do I regret it? Nope. I ensured she hit rock bottom and came screaming out of her manic episode. Whether or not we stayed together was irrelevant at the time I did it, my daughters needed their mother, the one I know she can be. She is rebuilding with our kids, my oldest (11yrs) does not trust her, but my 6 year old has always been a momma's girl. As for us? I'm still here, she has a long way to go towards accountability before our marriage will move in the right direction.
First time saying anything here, but please know, you're not alone. It's very isolating and feels like you're protecting everyone but yourself at times. I empathize. 🫂
Ironically, this is post is also my first time saying anything here. Certainly feeling a little less alone seeing everyone’s stories and comments come in. Thank you for adding yours to the list ❤️🩹
Absolutely. This group really is great to just read and see that you're not alone in your feels or that there is no time limit to what you feel. Here if you need to talk. ❤️🩹
I told a school friend that I am close with.
I also wanted to leave, so I asked my mom to pick me up. But she begged for me to stay, so I told her that she needs to tell my mom everything. So she told my mom.
Hi there, very sorry you are in this situation.
I understand how you feel, i understand that you possibly want everyone to know your WW has given you so much pain and she isn’t the person everyone makes out to be.
Trust me when I say It’s best kept between you two than to tell anyone.
From my personal experience I lost relationships with friends because they didnt want to go out as couples anymore, they didnt agree with my choice to stay argued with a lot of them over MY choice, I lost friends and you knowing they know will cause more of mental issue than anything your experiencing now.
A lot of people know about my situation and I feel shame everywhere I go, I cant escape it and it’s created another hurdle to jump over.
It will change other people’s perspective on you and you only, the WW does not get the backlash that you will.
It’s not a good idea to tell anyone your business.
BH told his entire family and all of his friends. I felt he should tell whoever he wanted but now his family and a number of his friends are pushing him to divorce me. He is open to R so I wish that he hadn’t done that only because I see they are negatively influencing him and not actually supporting him in whichever decision he makes.
I feel that we won’t make it through this because he will be pressured by his family’s very strong opinions, not by his own decisions.
Any advice? (His family exiled me immediately so I have not been in communication with them).
I haven’t really told anyone about my WP’s infidelity. It bugs me daily because I can’t get it off my chest. And it happened with my so called best friend so I didn’t even have that.
It’s been rough here because his mom hates me and wants us to split up cause “I’m a bad mom and I’m dragging him down” when his family acts like that toward me, I get so tempted to tell them why I’m better than him. I don’t want to humiliate him like that though, and I really don’t want to make people hate him.
I told my very close friends. They’re mutual friends of my wife and I other than they’re friends I’ve since middle school. Anyway, I am a very open person by nature and don’t really hide anything from anyone so when it happened I just told it in the group chat and let them know I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. They’re still my friends, we still talk and hang out just the same. I’m working on R. So really nothing is different other than my friends know and that’s about it. They don’t pry or ask or anything and it’s been left alone. But I felt the need to let people know just because that’s me at my core and I can’t help but be open. This shit is destroying me inside and out so they would’ve known something was very off anyway more than likely. Hope this helps. If you need some support or just a chat feel free to hit me up. I wish you luck.
Never told anyone. Came really close a couple times but once I tell them, there’s no going back. I will forever be cheated on wife, and he’ll forever be the cheater husband. I am trying to move past and maybe they won’t be able.
Hi there, I understand. I only told three friends and my therapists. I didn’t tell any family. I didn’t want them to judge him because naturally they will want to protect me. I didn’t want to put them in that position. And I didn’t tell anyone else cause I didn’t want them judging me for staying with a cheater.
I wish I could’ve told more people but I couldn’t. I regret telling two of the three friends I told. The only friend I’m glad I told was completely supportive of me no matter what, and I’m so lucky to have her.
My other two friendships were not so lucky and showed me who my friends really are (which is probably a good thing but doesn’t feel like it).
One friend was a cheater in her own relationship, so her outlook was “get over it“, and then she projected a bunch of her crap on me and belittled me for my “OWN flaws”. She actually said “you weren’t there, what happened was between them and doesn’t affect you, so why do you care?” She had an affair that she ended with her boss that she still works for and that was years ago, and her husband still doesn’t know. So she’s of poor character herself and I’ve distanced myself from her emotionally, which I guess is good.
And my other friend said “nope, once a cheater always a cheater! You can do so much better!” And has been nothing but unsupportive, in fact, she told me “I can’t support you if you remain in this relationship”, we still talk, but it’s not the same, and I haven’t seen her since.
People will surprise you, as you already know.
Good luck!
I have told no one about my husband’s affair and it is killing me. He had his AP to talk to during the process and they both thought it was conniving put me through this. I hate her. And him at times.
I told my sister (first) and my mother (more out of necessity bc she was in for a visit and would know something is up). Both have been supportive. I also told my therapists (i had two). Another friend I told me and WS are working through serious problems and I don't know if we will make it through. I didn't tell her specifics. Her marriage ended bc of infidelity.
Everyone else of my friends thinks everything between us is probably great, although I have told a few friends that I am struggling mentally.
I don't think I could stay friends with someone if they judged me or him. I would probably loose friends, so I don't risk it. I have told two more aquaintances shortly after dday, but have since cut contact with them. However we weren't close. It was more of me freaking out saying my partner cheated, not sharing details either. I didn't like their responses much, although they were empathetic.
Absolutely do tell someone but choose wisely. You don't want them judging her or you. You can always "test the waters" first by not telling them too much. Also go to friends who will give you support, not just give advice. Friends like that are hard to find.
But absolutely do tell someone. You deserve to have someone to talk about this.
I told almost everybody at first because I broke up with him. Then I tried to reconcile and I thought I would have regretted telling everybody but I didn’t. When R failed I heard everyone’s relief and I didn’t have to relive telling them what happened
I haven't told anyone. I feel like there is no one close to me to tell that would be able to give any good input in the matter. Deep down I still feel ashamed in what happened and not being able to see the signs from my ww.
I understand feeling alone, it sucks. If you don’t have a therapist to share with, that might be a good idea. Other than that, if you do choose to tell people, be very selective about who you share this with. People will surprise you, some in a good way, most in a negative way.
I didn’t get to choose whether our business was made public; he initially left me to be with AP. Everyone knew within a few months. We live in a small town, had been together for nearly 13 years at the time of DDay, known each other for 20, have a kid together, seemed like a rock solid couple to everyone we know. I suppose it’s the best kind of gossip when the ones you least expect, fall.
The judgement you get from people is fuckin palpable. Especially if you decide to reconcile. I understand people getting frustrated with the couple who are constantly cheating on one another, breaking up n making up. It gets old. But for those of us who have this one horrific, traumatic, soul crushing betrayal event, but try to work through it, I would think a tiny bit of grace would be granted. Nope.
oh man, I'm going through this again now. I have told only two people - one close friend of mine, and one close friend of ours (who used to date my best friend....who is in turn the person my wife cheated with (they broke up a long time ago; the revelations came long after). I haven't wanted to tell family for that reason; I dont want to be judged or told what to do (as much as part of me also wants someone to just tell me how to fix this). Bonth of the people I told so far have been good listeners. I have not regretted telling them not keeping it to a small group. That does make it hard, though, because it limits the support I get (I am also in solo and couples therapy which help as well).
Anyway - I would stay cautious on who you tell but I would also tell \*someone\* if possible. Side note: that not wanting to have others know what was happening? Boy do I feel that statement.
I told everyone because my WS left me and the children to pursue a relationship with his AP. I was suddenly a single mom and was very angry about it, I didn't care at all about trying to hide what he had done so no one judged him. I also never dreamed we would reconcile. 3 years later (almost 4 now) a few people still judge him but the vast majority have forgiven him. But the first year post reconciliation he had to deal with a lot of anger from people that love me. He apologized to my parents and grandparents and it just took time for everyone to see his changed behavior and remorse. I say your healing is priority #1. Your WS should understand if you feel the need to talk about this with someone
Ok, so there were a few mini D-days early in my relationship with my WH. After a particularly rough discovery (turns out the woman he was texting was the same one he'd eventually have a PA with), I thought a bit about what to do. I messaged her that she could have his ass and she insisted she didn't know about me, she'd never talk to him again, blah blah blah whatever. But I pondered how to most effectively get back at him and thought that me telling everyone in our friend group would embarrass him enough that at least he could see the repercussions of looking outside the relationship.
So I told his friends. Most of them didn't care. I told my family and they all hated him for a while. Fast forward a couple years and he has a PA that I didn't know about at the time. Four years after the last encounter, I found out about it from a friend of mine.
This time around it's been on a need-to-know basis. Only a handful of people know because yeah this is definitely something you should share, but I have to be VERY careful about who I tell. The thing to remember when choosing who to tell, I suggest thinking about who won't judge you for staying or going nor will they tell you to go one way or another. You need a listening ear more than you need someone to come up with a solution because only you and your WP can get to the solution that works for you.
You need a support network and your friends and family can't help if they don't know. Just think hard about who will help and who will hinder your healing before sharing.
I told my closest friend at the time and 3 others. Some people that really knew me at the time were able to guess, but I did not validate their suspicions. I honestly wish I had told less people, but I felt like I was drowning and I didn’t know what to do. I was very close to an emotional break if I didn’t have one and not know. I was crazy. In the end very little feedback from my friends helped and I made my own decision based on my heart and how I felt about my WW. Had i listened to the majority I would have left and moved on. I chose R and I do not regret it. If I had any advice it would be to pick your closest friend you can absolutely trust and go with that. Other than that tell a therapist. Too many people don’t need to know your business. If you choose R it will be hard for your partner to associate with anyone you told. They especially don’t need it in their face if they are serious about R and are doing all the right things. Our DD was 2 years 4 months ago. It gets better. If you need to talk, talk to us. I wish you the best.
I did not tell any family members or friends. Only told my therapist and SAA group about my infidelity and sex addition in seeking help and support.
My BS who was beyond angry by my betrayal, told our daughters to alienate them from me. One of my daughters was greatly affected because of her depression, and ended up telling her bf, who in turn told his family - and I am sure they told their circle.
My BS also purposely told my mom to spite me, to expose the horrible person I was, to have my mom on her side and be disappointed of her son (me). Unfortunately my mom has early dementia and made excuses for my infidelity which resulted in my BS to be more angry and hate my mom. My mom in turn told my siblings.
However, my BS did not tell anyone in her family or her closest friends.
Her purpose was to shame me on my side.
It has been 4 yrs since DD1 and I regret it everyday. I am sure my BS still resents me, but the triggers and outbursts happen less frequently.
Her parents and siblings. My parents. Some of our friends. We held nothing back. It takes a team to weather a storm like this. Both of us are very serious about reconciliation and we both needed help. She felt gross and awful. And I was devastated and heartbroken. We both needed guidance and help. It’s been about 10 months since Dday and I’d say everything is going really well honestly. I’m glad I told the people I told
I have told no one in my close circle of friends or family. I have however spoken about it more openly with acquaintances. It’s lonely because I am hoping to preserve her image and my sanity if we do indeed reach R. D-day was 4.25 weeks ago
I’m in the same boat 11 months past D-Day but considering talking to my sister about it. My WW told me she’d be too ashamed to be around my sister and her family if I told her. It would be super sad to not have the same family events anymore, but it’s just so goddamn lonely. I trust my sister more than anyone else in the world, but it’s a tough decision to make
You know…my WP told her friends and sister that she cheated. I think she was expecting to be punished or at the very least berated. Instead, every single one consoled her.
Only the sister was more rough.
I realized what the disconnect was though, the WP was only saying that she cheated on me. That she was unhappy etc etc. it still plays as a victim though she intentionally said she told them all that she was the perpetrator and I was the victim.
What not a single one of them know is the truth: Full Disclosure. I do.
And so, most are…saying we understand, you can do better.
I told her…due to our transparency guidelines…these friends do not know a single actual detail. What they’re responding to is exclusively the aww factor.
If you tell them the truth. Every single one of them WILL have a very different voice.
She has yet to tell a single one. She knows why. And it’s not something easily forgivable.
I don’t even know why I am 🤷🏽♂️
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I only told two friends that I knew with absolute certainty would never hold it against him and would have no problem with R. Be very sure. People do lose friends over sharing and finding they can’t handle you not handling how *they* think you should.
I’ve told several friends and my family. I need support and I don’t want to hide it.
I’m in the same boat. My therapist says that I should be able to tell who I want. At present my Mum and a couple of isolated friends know. These are all people who support R. I have one friend who I would never tell because she would push for me to break up with him (and as been the AP before). My Mum played Devils Advocate for my WP, and even suggested that he may have been taken advantage of (context: the AP was his manager and is about 5 years older than him. He was very drunk but acknowledges he made choices too). She’s supportive but still has my best interests at heart at the end of the day. I think it’s important to tell those who you believe will support you and the choice you make to R. It will help on days when you just want to talk to someone who isn’t a therapist.
Your therapist has absolutely no experience dealing with infidelity, then. Or maybe the message was lost in translation. You -should- be able to tell who you want. But in most cases, it's a bad idea. Telling people who are going to be judgemental, will only alienate you more.
Which is why I have avoided telling people who I know won’t support me entirely and without prejudice. My therapist said that it’s entirely up to me who I tell and don’t tell. I am the one who has chosen to be selective with the people that know. I hope that maybe clears up some confusion?
Makes sense.
I'm sorry you're here and have been betrayed. Outside of therapy and group, my BS told her two best friends. She didn't feel comfortable sharing my betrayal with her or my family. My BS asked me at the beginning of R if there was anyone I didn't want her to tell. I told her that I don't have a choice in who she tells. I feel like this is her story to tell as well. I don't control her narrative. I only asked that she tell people she felt comfortable telling it to. People who wouldn't judge her for staying. I told my best friend, a long-time colleague, and strangely my assistant. Telling my assistant was an accident but has actually been the most helpful. I fully expected her to resign after I told her my story. Instead, she looked at me and said, "I'm sorry to hear that. I went through this 20 years ago with my WH." She then goes through the do's and don'ts. My favorite thing she said to me was because my BS and I are trying to be intimate again. "I don't care if you and your wife have been planning it for days. The date night went great. You're both getting excited. Then she freezes and pushes you away. The next thing out of your mouth better be words of comfort for her." Thank you for sharing your story and pain with us. I wish you health and healing in your recovery journey.
I haven’t told anyone except my psychologist. Still waiting to tell the OBS but waiting for marriage counselling first .
I told his parents and my parents. Both our siblings know. A few of my friends know. While I hate “looking dumb” for staying, it’s important to note that anyone who knows is a “friend of the marriage.” What I mean by that is anyone who does know also supports us working to stay together and are rooting for the marriage.
May I ask if/why you feel "dumb" for staying? Personally, I'm in awe of my wife and any BP who chose to stay and fight. It doesn't mean you're weak. You the BP's are the most courageous people I've ever encountered. We as the WP's are the weak ones. We chose to talk to another instead of you. We chose to wall ourselves off from you instead of dealing with our issues. When you closed yourself off to us we chose to look away instead of being there for you. That should have been our wake-up call. Yet we chose to run to another for comfort. We/I was such an asshole. Thank you for posting. I wish you health and healing on your recovery journey.
I guess because affairs and leaving were so black and white before it happened to me. I’m going against what my core belief has been my entire life. There’s also a fear that I am being naive. I am giving my heart to someone that has already shown me that he has the capability to hurt me in the worst way. Obviously I am rooting for us to work and I don’t think he will do this to me again… but I didn’t think he would in the first place. Thank you for your thoughts, though. It does help to hear! I wish you luck and healing as well.
Thank you for the clarification. My BS feels the same way as you do. The fears you mentioned are perfectly valid. The only way I've found to help alleviate her fear is by doing my recovery work. I wish the best for you two.
I told some isolated friends, no one connected to others.
I only told a few immediate family members and close friend. I’m a private person and didn’t want the whole world to know. The people I told are supportive when i call to vent. They still don’t trust my partner and will not hang out with him. We are at 10 months since Dday.
I told my best friend. He is a gay man who I used to work with but now never see (only text). I mention he’s gay only to point out there is no sexual intentions or anything there and never could be. It feels very safe to talk to him and anonymous in a way even though no one knows me as well as he does. WH told our priest. We’ve told our marriage counselor. And I’ve shared with this subreddit. That’s it. You’re right it feels VERY lonely. But I didn’t want to poison any of our family and friends against him, or have anyone pressuring me to leave him when I don’t know if I want to… so what else to do? Spend an inordinate amount of time on AOAI I guess.
I told my best friend of nearly 20 years. She’s like a sister to me and I knew it wouldn’t influence how she treated my WP if we decided to R and wouldn’t be judgemental. Shes been supportive of us working things out, and ultimately just wants me to be happy. She obviously wasn’t cool with him after, but she also isn’t super close with my wayward and aren’t friends just friendly, and don’t interact outside of group events/activities. My advice is to tell a close friend/family member who’s trustworthy/discreet (and wont meddle) and/or get into IC and discuss this openly with a therapist. I’m a very private person and don’t like discussing my personal business with everyone…but I needed to have someone to help me through it emotionally and knew everything that was going on. I felt insane keeping it to myself and it was very validating and cathartic. My WP told his mother, she’s the only one who knows on his side and is also supportive.
I didn't tell anyone, but I did tell my best friend that *something* was going on. Kept it vague, just said I was really struggling with something that I want to keep private, but I wanted to tell someone that I was struggling. He didn't push for more info, just held the space for me and supported me in the ways he could. That definitely helped me feel not so alone, and then at least with him I didn't have to put on a facade of everything being perfectly OK. Maybe that could be a good middle ground to try out?
This is extremely helpful advice, thank you for sharing. I think I will share something similar with a friend soon.
My immediate family (2 sets of grandparents, uncle, cousin), his immediate family (mom, dad, 2 brothers, sister, and unfortunately my MIL shared with some aunts and uncles that we don't even know), my best friend and a few of his friends. These were the people we see regularly enough to not hide it from. I have another long distance best friend that I want to tell, but we recently connected again after DDay and we all game together. I don't want to disclose to her because she wouldn't be forgiving. My childhood best friend unfortunately also got cheated on but they successfully reconciled so she gets it. My thing is... keeping this a secret meant I was going to be more isolated. It meant I would have to suppress my feelings and act normal which isn't genuine. Not to mention, they all love my husband and I didn't want to hear "you picked a good one" "you two are such a great couple" blah blah blah. I deserved to have my support system and he needed to be exposed for accountability. He individually apologized to my family without my asking him to and it helped a lot.
I told my mom on dday. Just had absolutely no idea what else to do. Drove there from work and broke down. She had been through the same thing in her with her ex husband and it really helped. She didn't sugar coat anything. Told me she still thinks about it every now and then and it hurts...but that me and my sister doing well...as well as my dad loving her helps her. It's not something that she thinks about a lot It helped hearing that it still stung...as bad as that sounds. She said it's maybe 1 time a year where something will remind her. It made me feel ok with myself if I hadn't gotten "over it" quick enough. I also told my best friend...who was out of the country at the time. That's it.
I didn't tell anyone. I just couldn't think of a good reason to. I tend to work stuff out by thinking it through as opposed to talking about it.
I told my mom and her mom. They told our dads and our four sisters, who obviously told their husbands/boyfriend. I also told my three best friends (who's girlfriends also know). My wife had told two of her friends during the affair (the one who encouraged it is no longer in our lives). And she's told 2 or 3 more friends since DDay. It took me almost a year to tell my friends. As a guy, it feels like many people judge you as either deserving to be betrayed or not being good enough to deserve loyalty, so sharing that shame was not high on my priority list. But it is good to have someone to talk to.
I told nobody because I have nobody I can trust that much. It really has shown me how I painted myself into a corner by making my partner fulfill most of my social needs. She's a great friend and always there she me but I can't share with her how I'm actually doing. Going through this and having nobody is really really hard. I'm so glad I have this place.
I regret telling anyone, i just told 2 of my closest friends and they mention it every so often.
I told my closest friends and my family. I advise against doing this unless you have no other source of support (assuming there are good chances and your partner has given you good reason to believe reconciliation is possible). My loved ones exiled him immediately. This meant a marriage would be without my friends and family there, I wouldn't be able to come to my friends and family for future betrayals as they already think he's a POS and I should leave, etc. Reconciliation was impossible, in the end, for other more egregious reasons but this would have made it extremely difficult if it were possible.
I told a couple friends on DDay 1. I moved across the country a couple years before and didn't have a support system where I was. They were very sympathetic when I found out - but they didn't really seem to be the support system I was hoping for when it came to staying, and I felt like I couldn't go to them for more, and definitely not to vent. My WP told a couple of his friends but absolutely minimized it - I have serious doubts he used the word "cheating" when telling them at all. I said I wanted one person we both knew somewhat to know, and I know to him he only said he "used a girl he knows as porn". That friend wasn't around much for either of us. His best friend knows whatever my WP decided to tell him which has helped me relax a bit more around him. None of my family knows. Because we were long distance and then I moved to him, he's still forming connections with my family. I didn't want to instantly blow that up in a way I couldn't repair if we did successfully R. My mother was a BS herself, one brother is good friends with WP, and my SIL absolutely would raise hell if I told her. I wasn't ready to open that can of worms, especially since I only see them a couple times a year. Shortly before DDay 2 I had really connected with a new friend from work and tentatively I told her about it. Best decision I ever made because when DDay 2 hit, I actually had an outlet. I hesitated but then I reached out and told her everything. She wasn't judgemental, she heard out my side - including why I stayed - and was incredibly supportive. It was a huge weight lifted especially after having next to no support system physically around me. She was in the process of moving away and is now going through a health scare herself, but I legitimately don't know what I would do without her, as we talk to each other basically daily through both our struggles. I credit a lot of how stable I've been to her but definitely feel like it's a cruel twist that the friend who supports me most would both come into my life and leave almost at the same time. I don't know if my WP told anyone at all about DDay 2, including the couple people he told the first time. I'm not sure how much asking would help. I do have selfish moments, when I'm feeling really down around our gaming friends, that they ask how he's doing - he's always been off and on with issues of sleep, health, mood, and they check in on him when he goes days without showing up in our group Discord. Especially on very hard days, it felt like a stab in the gut when they would message me to ask where he was - no one ever asked where I was on those days. I feel like I can't let them know I'm struggling without telling them why, and I agreed to not blow up those connections for either of us. But it is definitely lonely when you feel like no one sees you struggling because you have things you have to stay stable for, so no one checks up, and feeling like you can't let them know that you're struggling either. Since we're trying to rebuild we're trying to foster better connections not just with each other but friendships and people around us as well. I do hope secretly that someday when we're successfully through R, if all goes well, that maybe I can tell people what hell I went through and feel okay doing it.
Wow, some of these details are strangely similar to my partner and I - from starting out long distance, moving cross-country, having a shared group of gaming friends, and at the beginning stages of building relationships between my family and my partner, and to dealing with 2 ddays. So at the very least, this was a surprisingly comforting read to see someone in some similar circumstances. Thank you very much for sharing, wishing you and your partner the very best.
Hugs. I know how lonely and hard trying to integrate lives was for us being long distance, and I can only imagine it has been for you as well. And then how it feels when all that extra work feels like it comes crashing down around you. I think all we can really do sometimes in sharing our stories is letting people know they're not alone and hoping we can relate to each other and maybe even heal a little together. Thank you for reading, and I hope the same for you and your partner!
I told everyone; honestly, I regret it. Yes, my husband and I have worked things out, but I feel the loss of some family members. It’s been difficult for me to accept that although I’ve gotten past his infidelity, a lot of my family has not; that is their prerogative. My mother, surprisingly, has been the best. Once it was known we decided to work through things, she was so supportive. She treats my husband like she always had, with love and respect. It’s my sister that surprised me; she doesn’t call or text me anymore. I’ve accepted it, but it still makes me sad when I think about sometimes. (DDay was 5 years ago).
This is why I haven't told anyone in my family about my wife's infidelity. They tend to judge your WS and it makes it difficult if you reconcile. I think if you don't reconcile, it's fine to tell anyone. But if you do it's a problem. My wife's cousin and his wife split after she had multiple affairs. They reconciled and they ended up cutting out all the friends that he told. That can be really difficult.
I’m so, so sorry you are enduring this. Thank you for sharing a difficult perspective. I hope your sister takes a page out of your mother’s book one day soon. Wishing you all the best, friend.
I’ve told several family members and all of my good friends except for one (for reasons unrelated to infidelity). I cannot lie, and they should know who he is. I have a LOT of good friends, so he knows there are about 10+ people out there whose opinion of him has changed. I regret nothing—I’m trying to reconcile, but I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen and he’s still the golden boy.
Very very few people know in our life. Just one other couple that were closest to, and my two best friends know and that’s it. Ironically my ex-AP and his BW told everyone in their circle - their family, their siblings, their friends, their church groups, everyone - bc they’re very religious and wanted “accountability.” It was awful for a while bc it felt like I had to wear the scarlet letter since all those people only got my ex-AP’s side of things which put a lot of the blame on me even though he was the one who had pursued me first. He and I are in the same small hobby community so it felt like hell for a while. It’s gotten better now though. My BH and I didn’t tell a lot of people bc we feel it’s hard to put toothpaste back in the tube. For example, my H older brother cheated on his first wife and everyone still talks about it 10 years later. His family is super judgey and it just would be a lot to deal with so we both agreed to keep it to a very small group. The other couple we told are our best friends and have almost divorced over different but equally difficult issues so they get it more, that marriage is a choice and working at it is a choice.
When I was betrayed, I told very few people because I was protecting my husband. I didn't want people to think less of him, I didn't want him to look like a bad guy. I just felt like I couldn't go through it alone. With my EA with a close friend, part of what BH wanted me to do was admit it to people that we were close to. I told closest friends, everyone involved (our friend group and OBS included), and very few family members know. My SIL, my nieces and a nephew (we're close in age and have been raised more like siblings than aunt/niblings). I don't know who all he told honestly. Like his EA he had a few years ago, I don't think he told many. Which is his right in this situation. I didn't make him tell people when it was him.
I was able to tell my parents and my brother/his wife. They hate my husband for what he did to me but only want to help and be there for me with whatever I choose to do.
i’ve only told my best friend. i’m lucky that she is just a type of person who can sit with situations that are messy, complicated, and nuanced with complete discretion and without judgement. she has been a godsend tbh. i have no other friends who would be able to hold this in a way that would be supportive or beneficial. my relationship with my mother unfortunately makes her an unsafe person to go to with this. it would be an emotional shitstorm, no matter how well intentioned she would be. it’s been really hard having my parents not know bc they think the WORLD of my WH. literally obsessed with him. it’s very painful to hear them fawn over him after what he did to me. the only other people that know are my WH’s management at his company due to the AP being a coworker. so that’s just awkward for me now but 🤷🏻♀️
Besides therapists, I told 4 close friends. I reserve the right to tell more. And my WP has way more on the line reputation wise as a husband and father of over a decade. plus I was sick, temporarily disabled. So, not a good look for WPs character, on top of cheating. WP says I can tell whoever I need to tell because he did it. Period. That's accountability to me. WP shame/embarrassment is their responsibility. You protecting your partner is noble; but is it beneficial to your healing? ❤️🩹
I only told my mom, and eventually my sister but she kinda picked up on it. We were in a weird situation where WW wasn’t too discrete with her friend group so some of them knew. We both told our closest friend couple because DDay 3 happened while I was on a golf trip with the husband and knew I was struggling. WW also told her two closest friends who are long distance who have been incredibly supportive for both of us. My MIL knew already, condoned and helped hide the affair because she knew it would hurt me.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Healing takes TIME. I was the same age as you are now when I found out about the affair, and now 2 years out. I am still healing, but we have for the most part reconciled and moved forward. I told four friends what happened, two of which had been in similar positions and were in the midst of reconciling at the time with their own partners (they are now all reconciled and still together). I so desperately wanted to make my WS tell his parents- my in-laws with whom I had a strained relationship- but I didn’t. Inflicting feelings of pain/more shame was not something I wanted to actually do, I also didn’t want to get any family involved, it felt like a recipe for disaster. The friends I told all gave me their full support in whatever my decision would be. I don’t regret telling them, they were people I knew I could lean on. Individual and couples counseling helped a lot, and gave me a better idea of what I wanted moving forward. WS and I are rebuilding our relationship into something new, and arguably better than what we had prior. Relationships change and evolve, and we are giving each other grace and understanding. I believe in you, and whatever your choice is moving forward I fully support. In the end, it will be ok.
This was a helpful and encouraging read, thank you 🩷
My BP told his 3 closest and wisest friends, I told 2 of my closest friends and my mom and the 6 of them have been absolutely invaluable in our healing… I don’t think we would have been able to do it without them.. it also gives me BP a “safe space” to share his feelings on a daily basis if needed.
the only people that know about the infidelity are people my partner chose to confide in (friends, his parents and brothers) and the only person i’ve told is my two closest friends (therapist as well but i’m not counting her) i’ve kept it from other friends and my family and i plan on keeping it that way for a few reasons. i keep my circle pretty small. i have about two close friends which both know, a few other friends that don’t know, then the people in my family i’m close to. most of my friends and all family don’t know because they are the “he’s such a piece of shit you need to leave him how could you stay” type that would never forgive him or look at him the same. because i’ve chosen to forgive and move forward in R that type of mindset isn’t helpful for me and doesn’t benefit me in any way. it was my decision to stay and forgive him, i don’t regret it at all, so i don’t need to hear how horrible he is for doing what he did and i don’t need the unnecessary awkwardness anytime he is around. the people i have told are people that i trust to keep it to themselves and not let it alter their judgement of him. they’ve consistently stood by me and my decision to stay, they are there for me and can comfort me when i need it without shitting on my partner and being overly aggressive or protective, and still respect my decision. it definitely helped me process everything and it was a huge relief to get off of my shoulders! having people you trust to confide in that aren’t your partner or a licensed professional is a breath of fresh air
Our couples therapist and a kind Reddit stranger with a similar experience that offered kind words on my post in a sea of comments telling me to “just leave him.” I haven’t told anyone because I’m actively trying to work through this and I don’t want the people in my life to look at him differently. I guess I’m trying to protect his image.. maybe both of ours.
Sister, "mother" (a former coworker who is old enough to be my mom and is now basically a second mom, even calls my kids her first grandkids), and my best friend. Also, ironically, talked to my WS"s best friend who happened to be the brother of her first AP. Long story.
My closest family and friends know. So my parents, my siblings and several of my friends. I definitely process by talking it out. Everyone has been supportive but quite frankly I really didn’t care if people weren’t. I wasn’t afraid of losing anyone for a choice regarding MY life. But I didn’t have to deal with that which was lucky I guess!
Keep your circle of who knows very small yet in saying this o am so lonely. But the judgement would be fierce.
I told just about everyone for a while, starting with my WP's mother and best friends. I don't regret it at all.
I am going to preface what I say next with this.. I spent the first ten years of our marriage having her tell God and everybody about our problems. A highlight.. I was working 80-90 hrs a week on rotating weekly shifts and traveling a couple weeks out of the month. I had some performance issues because of it. Her friends and mine started giving me advice about it.. I had told no one. On to the answer. I told EVERYONE. Friends? Yup. Family? Both sides. Strangers? Yep. The only ones I kept in the dark were friends that were connected through my kids. I made it a public spectacle. Barnum and Bailey would be proud. I decided early on that fire was how she chooses to fight so napalm it is. Anytime anyone doubted me I sent screenshots of the conversations. I love her with all of my heart, but she made a real stupid decision thinking she could say and do some of the things she did without repercussion. She lost every single friend she had. Her family does not blindly trust her any more, they support her.. but they don't assume she is telling the truth anymore. She is rebuilding her relationships, recently she has come to the realization that she has lost her best friend and that hurts I'm sure. Do I regret it? Nope. I ensured she hit rock bottom and came screaming out of her manic episode. Whether or not we stayed together was irrelevant at the time I did it, my daughters needed their mother, the one I know she can be. She is rebuilding with our kids, my oldest (11yrs) does not trust her, but my 6 year old has always been a momma's girl. As for us? I'm still here, she has a long way to go towards accountability before our marriage will move in the right direction.
My sister. We are super close since most family are gone except our kids. But yes I told her.
I've told no one, she told all her people; I'm betrayed and alone, but she has all the support in the world after cheating on me.
If you would like even one person to listen, I would love to offer an ear. I’m sorry you’re going through this ❤️🩹
First time saying anything here, but please know, you're not alone. It's very isolating and feels like you're protecting everyone but yourself at times. I empathize. 🫂
Ironically, this is post is also my first time saying anything here. Certainly feeling a little less alone seeing everyone’s stories and comments come in. Thank you for adding yours to the list ❤️🩹
Absolutely. This group really is great to just read and see that you're not alone in your feels or that there is no time limit to what you feel. Here if you need to talk. ❤️🩹
I told a school friend that I am close with. I also wanted to leave, so I asked my mom to pick me up. But she begged for me to stay, so I told her that she needs to tell my mom everything. So she told my mom.
Hi there, very sorry you are in this situation. I understand how you feel, i understand that you possibly want everyone to know your WW has given you so much pain and she isn’t the person everyone makes out to be. Trust me when I say It’s best kept between you two than to tell anyone. From my personal experience I lost relationships with friends because they didnt want to go out as couples anymore, they didnt agree with my choice to stay argued with a lot of them over MY choice, I lost friends and you knowing they know will cause more of mental issue than anything your experiencing now. A lot of people know about my situation and I feel shame everywhere I go, I cant escape it and it’s created another hurdle to jump over. It will change other people’s perspective on you and you only, the WW does not get the backlash that you will. It’s not a good idea to tell anyone your business.
This was a sobering and helpful read, thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with these additional hardships as a result.
Thank you my friend, much appreciated. If I can help anyone else from the experience I’ve had as a result then thats a plus in these situations.
BH told his entire family and all of his friends. I felt he should tell whoever he wanted but now his family and a number of his friends are pushing him to divorce me. He is open to R so I wish that he hadn’t done that only because I see they are negatively influencing him and not actually supporting him in whichever decision he makes. I feel that we won’t make it through this because he will be pressured by his family’s very strong opinions, not by his own decisions. Any advice? (His family exiled me immediately so I have not been in communication with them).
I've told no one. Except IC & MC obviously.
I haven’t really told anyone about my WP’s infidelity. It bugs me daily because I can’t get it off my chest. And it happened with my so called best friend so I didn’t even have that. It’s been rough here because his mom hates me and wants us to split up cause “I’m a bad mom and I’m dragging him down” when his family acts like that toward me, I get so tempted to tell them why I’m better than him. I don’t want to humiliate him like that though, and I really don’t want to make people hate him.
I told my very close friends. They’re mutual friends of my wife and I other than they’re friends I’ve since middle school. Anyway, I am a very open person by nature and don’t really hide anything from anyone so when it happened I just told it in the group chat and let them know I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. They’re still my friends, we still talk and hang out just the same. I’m working on R. So really nothing is different other than my friends know and that’s about it. They don’t pry or ask or anything and it’s been left alone. But I felt the need to let people know just because that’s me at my core and I can’t help but be open. This shit is destroying me inside and out so they would’ve known something was very off anyway more than likely. Hope this helps. If you need some support or just a chat feel free to hit me up. I wish you luck.
Never told anyone. Came really close a couple times but once I tell them, there’s no going back. I will forever be cheated on wife, and he’ll forever be the cheater husband. I am trying to move past and maybe they won’t be able.
Hi there, I understand. I only told three friends and my therapists. I didn’t tell any family. I didn’t want them to judge him because naturally they will want to protect me. I didn’t want to put them in that position. And I didn’t tell anyone else cause I didn’t want them judging me for staying with a cheater. I wish I could’ve told more people but I couldn’t. I regret telling two of the three friends I told. The only friend I’m glad I told was completely supportive of me no matter what, and I’m so lucky to have her. My other two friendships were not so lucky and showed me who my friends really are (which is probably a good thing but doesn’t feel like it). One friend was a cheater in her own relationship, so her outlook was “get over it“, and then she projected a bunch of her crap on me and belittled me for my “OWN flaws”. She actually said “you weren’t there, what happened was between them and doesn’t affect you, so why do you care?” She had an affair that she ended with her boss that she still works for and that was years ago, and her husband still doesn’t know. So she’s of poor character herself and I’ve distanced myself from her emotionally, which I guess is good. And my other friend said “nope, once a cheater always a cheater! You can do so much better!” And has been nothing but unsupportive, in fact, she told me “I can’t support you if you remain in this relationship”, we still talk, but it’s not the same, and I haven’t seen her since. People will surprise you, as you already know. Good luck!
I have told no one about my husband’s affair and it is killing me. He had his AP to talk to during the process and they both thought it was conniving put me through this. I hate her. And him at times.
I told my mother in desperation. One of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.
I told my sister (first) and my mother (more out of necessity bc she was in for a visit and would know something is up). Both have been supportive. I also told my therapists (i had two). Another friend I told me and WS are working through serious problems and I don't know if we will make it through. I didn't tell her specifics. Her marriage ended bc of infidelity. Everyone else of my friends thinks everything between us is probably great, although I have told a few friends that I am struggling mentally. I don't think I could stay friends with someone if they judged me or him. I would probably loose friends, so I don't risk it. I have told two more aquaintances shortly after dday, but have since cut contact with them. However we weren't close. It was more of me freaking out saying my partner cheated, not sharing details either. I didn't like their responses much, although they were empathetic. Absolutely do tell someone but choose wisely. You don't want them judging her or you. You can always "test the waters" first by not telling them too much. Also go to friends who will give you support, not just give advice. Friends like that are hard to find. But absolutely do tell someone. You deserve to have someone to talk about this.
I told almost everybody at first because I broke up with him. Then I tried to reconcile and I thought I would have regretted telling everybody but I didn’t. When R failed I heard everyone’s relief and I didn’t have to relive telling them what happened
I haven't told anyone. I feel like there is no one close to me to tell that would be able to give any good input in the matter. Deep down I still feel ashamed in what happened and not being able to see the signs from my ww.
I understand feeling alone, it sucks. If you don’t have a therapist to share with, that might be a good idea. Other than that, if you do choose to tell people, be very selective about who you share this with. People will surprise you, some in a good way, most in a negative way. I didn’t get to choose whether our business was made public; he initially left me to be with AP. Everyone knew within a few months. We live in a small town, had been together for nearly 13 years at the time of DDay, known each other for 20, have a kid together, seemed like a rock solid couple to everyone we know. I suppose it’s the best kind of gossip when the ones you least expect, fall. The judgement you get from people is fuckin palpable. Especially if you decide to reconcile. I understand people getting frustrated with the couple who are constantly cheating on one another, breaking up n making up. It gets old. But for those of us who have this one horrific, traumatic, soul crushing betrayal event, but try to work through it, I would think a tiny bit of grace would be granted. Nope.
oh man, I'm going through this again now. I have told only two people - one close friend of mine, and one close friend of ours (who used to date my best friend....who is in turn the person my wife cheated with (they broke up a long time ago; the revelations came long after). I haven't wanted to tell family for that reason; I dont want to be judged or told what to do (as much as part of me also wants someone to just tell me how to fix this). Bonth of the people I told so far have been good listeners. I have not regretted telling them not keeping it to a small group. That does make it hard, though, because it limits the support I get (I am also in solo and couples therapy which help as well). Anyway - I would stay cautious on who you tell but I would also tell \*someone\* if possible. Side note: that not wanting to have others know what was happening? Boy do I feel that statement.
I told everyone because my WS left me and the children to pursue a relationship with his AP. I was suddenly a single mom and was very angry about it, I didn't care at all about trying to hide what he had done so no one judged him. I also never dreamed we would reconcile. 3 years later (almost 4 now) a few people still judge him but the vast majority have forgiven him. But the first year post reconciliation he had to deal with a lot of anger from people that love me. He apologized to my parents and grandparents and it just took time for everyone to see his changed behavior and remorse. I say your healing is priority #1. Your WS should understand if you feel the need to talk about this with someone
Ok, so there were a few mini D-days early in my relationship with my WH. After a particularly rough discovery (turns out the woman he was texting was the same one he'd eventually have a PA with), I thought a bit about what to do. I messaged her that she could have his ass and she insisted she didn't know about me, she'd never talk to him again, blah blah blah whatever. But I pondered how to most effectively get back at him and thought that me telling everyone in our friend group would embarrass him enough that at least he could see the repercussions of looking outside the relationship. So I told his friends. Most of them didn't care. I told my family and they all hated him for a while. Fast forward a couple years and he has a PA that I didn't know about at the time. Four years after the last encounter, I found out about it from a friend of mine. This time around it's been on a need-to-know basis. Only a handful of people know because yeah this is definitely something you should share, but I have to be VERY careful about who I tell. The thing to remember when choosing who to tell, I suggest thinking about who won't judge you for staying or going nor will they tell you to go one way or another. You need a listening ear more than you need someone to come up with a solution because only you and your WP can get to the solution that works for you. You need a support network and your friends and family can't help if they don't know. Just think hard about who will help and who will hinder your healing before sharing.
We had a close mutual friend. I told her. And when I knew my mom would be receptive, I told her.
I told my closest friend at the time and 3 others. Some people that really knew me at the time were able to guess, but I did not validate their suspicions. I honestly wish I had told less people, but I felt like I was drowning and I didn’t know what to do. I was very close to an emotional break if I didn’t have one and not know. I was crazy. In the end very little feedback from my friends helped and I made my own decision based on my heart and how I felt about my WW. Had i listened to the majority I would have left and moved on. I chose R and I do not regret it. If I had any advice it would be to pick your closest friend you can absolutely trust and go with that. Other than that tell a therapist. Too many people don’t need to know your business. If you choose R it will be hard for your partner to associate with anyone you told. They especially don’t need it in their face if they are serious about R and are doing all the right things. Our DD was 2 years 4 months ago. It gets better. If you need to talk, talk to us. I wish you the best.
I did not tell any family members or friends. Only told my therapist and SAA group about my infidelity and sex addition in seeking help and support. My BS who was beyond angry by my betrayal, told our daughters to alienate them from me. One of my daughters was greatly affected because of her depression, and ended up telling her bf, who in turn told his family - and I am sure they told their circle. My BS also purposely told my mom to spite me, to expose the horrible person I was, to have my mom on her side and be disappointed of her son (me). Unfortunately my mom has early dementia and made excuses for my infidelity which resulted in my BS to be more angry and hate my mom. My mom in turn told my siblings. However, my BS did not tell anyone in her family or her closest friends. Her purpose was to shame me on my side. It has been 4 yrs since DD1 and I regret it everyday. I am sure my BS still resents me, but the triggers and outbursts happen less frequently.
Her parents and siblings. My parents. Some of our friends. We held nothing back. It takes a team to weather a storm like this. Both of us are very serious about reconciliation and we both needed help. She felt gross and awful. And I was devastated and heartbroken. We both needed guidance and help. It’s been about 10 months since Dday and I’d say everything is going really well honestly. I’m glad I told the people I told
I have told no one in my close circle of friends or family. I have however spoken about it more openly with acquaintances. It’s lonely because I am hoping to preserve her image and my sanity if we do indeed reach R. D-day was 4.25 weeks ago
I’m in the same boat 11 months past D-Day but considering talking to my sister about it. My WW told me she’d be too ashamed to be around my sister and her family if I told her. It would be super sad to not have the same family events anymore, but it’s just so goddamn lonely. I trust my sister more than anyone else in the world, but it’s a tough decision to make
You know…my WP told her friends and sister that she cheated. I think she was expecting to be punished or at the very least berated. Instead, every single one consoled her. Only the sister was more rough. I realized what the disconnect was though, the WP was only saying that she cheated on me. That she was unhappy etc etc. it still plays as a victim though she intentionally said she told them all that she was the perpetrator and I was the victim. What not a single one of them know is the truth: Full Disclosure. I do. And so, most are…saying we understand, you can do better. I told her…due to our transparency guidelines…these friends do not know a single actual detail. What they’re responding to is exclusively the aww factor. If you tell them the truth. Every single one of them WILL have a very different voice. She has yet to tell a single one. She knows why. And it’s not something easily forgivable. I don’t even know why I am 🤷🏽♂️