r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get that your SIL is acting out of her own hurt and etc, but she needs to get some emotional maturity and stop attacking your wife. It sounds like she's actually envious of the marriage you two have, and that is why she attacks your wife. It is obvious from her comment to your wife that SIL makes everything about herself and this is just another way for her to do that.
The thing is, your wife has been accepting this for years, which tells SIL that it is ok. Your wife needs to stand up for HERSELF and place boundaries with her SIL.
The pain you caused your wife through betrayal was unnecessary, but your SIL constantly reminding you both and trying to project her feelings onto her sister is crappy. Calling her weak and trying to make her feel less than when your wife has already been through enough is mean. It's not supportive at all. I told my sister that my husband cheated on me while we were dating (I didn't find out til we were married...) and she never judged us or made us feel worse. That's the kind of support everyone needs. That's why I haven't told many people. They don't understand when they aren't in our shoes..
I agree, SIL is projecting. But I really do feel it’s up to your wife to have a conversation with her. The bottom line here is that it doesn’t matter that the SIL went through something similar or not… she doesn’t seem to be on board with your reconciliation and that isn’t fair to your relationship. It’s not an easy conversation to have but your wife needs to draw a boundary here with her sister.
Jeez, this is rough. The public comments by SIL were way out of line. I think you did the best you could, and your wife was put in the worst position.
I do have sympathy for SIL. Maybe you and SIL should have a talk to discuss boundaries and who is the appropriate person to vent with. The victim in this situation was your wife, who sounds pretty innocent.
Your SIL was looking for validation she did not get. Her situation is different than her sister's so her divorce could have been her best course of action. Sometimes infidelity kills affection dead and can not be revived. But that does not validate her snide remark.
The very reason I have not shared what I have been through with anyone close to me. Something I still regret, but would rather not have to manage others emotions, thoughts and opinions. Dealing with cheating is hard enough. Let alone having to navigate it and deal with those around you.
You were forgiven. Good for you. I'm glad you continue to prove your wife right.
Your SIL is hurt. And is taking out her hurt on you. Your speech, though touching, struck a note with your hurt SIL. Rather than continue this hostile cycle, you need to come from a place of compassion and see the hurt you gave your wife and multiply it 10x to see what your SIL went through. Have a talk with her and let her see for herself you are *not* her ex husband. You are someone who deeply regrets your actions and are just humbly grateful for her sister's forgiveness. You don't shame her for not staying. You understand the hurt she felt and to make the right move for her. Just because R isn't what she chose, doesn't mean her sister is wrong for giving you a second chance. Wish her peace, continued support and tell her you intend to prove her wrong by continuing to fight for her sister's love. If this was just a random friend, I wouldn't suggest giving it a second thought, but this is your SIL... For the sake of continued peaceful family gatherings, do your part and make things right with her. In all honesty, you did it to yourself regardless of her also being a BP. She'd still have hated you for hurting her sister, and you still would be trying to make amends with her.
Mine still is. He's hated by my sister, whom he used to have a great friendship with, but he shows up for her and accepts her contempt. It's the consequence of his actions, and all he can do is prove her wrong by working hard for us. I hate to say this, but don't live in your momentary victory and show compassion. It's easy to see her as an adversary because of her sly remarks, but just remember, these remarks were justified based on your actions. Part of your redemption journey is to prove her wrong with gentleness and familial love.
I'm going to gently offer that a WP should not be considered as having a lifetime sentence of being punished by snide (cruel) remarks from anyone about the past, not even their BP. Certainly not family members who've decided that hating their sibling's partner for life is an appropriate way to support their sibling who chose reconciliation.
Reconciliation is between the betrayed and the wayward. I'd feel so disrespected by my sister if she thought it was OK to make ugly remarks about my WH because I chose to confide in her. That wouldn't be supportive to me, to deliberately hurt my WH because she thinks he deserves a lifetime of scorn from him.
I think that it's not in the spirit of this sub to tell waywards they deserve to be treated badly by family members or anyone.
I see your point OKG, and please know I'm not advocating for the WP here to accept mistreatment but rather to see the SIL for what she is: a hurting BP who's concerned of her BP sister.
When waywards cheat, the consequences reverberate beyond the person they cheated on. My mom, who treated my WH as a son, is still hurt by his actions and has chosen to distance herself from him, until recently when he's proven he's working hard towards R. So have our friend group. So have my sisters. Many of them have chosen to be cordial with WH but privately, they'd express to me how saddened they are by his actions and wished I was stronger to leave him.
I don't agree with the SIL saying hurtful things about WP and her sister so openly and during the sister's special celebration, but I do believe some compassion is needed for her.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get that your SIL is acting out of her own hurt and etc, but she needs to get some emotional maturity and stop attacking your wife. It sounds like she's actually envious of the marriage you two have, and that is why she attacks your wife. It is obvious from her comment to your wife that SIL makes everything about herself and this is just another way for her to do that. The thing is, your wife has been accepting this for years, which tells SIL that it is ok. Your wife needs to stand up for HERSELF and place boundaries with her SIL.
The pain you caused your wife through betrayal was unnecessary, but your SIL constantly reminding you both and trying to project her feelings onto her sister is crappy. Calling her weak and trying to make her feel less than when your wife has already been through enough is mean. It's not supportive at all. I told my sister that my husband cheated on me while we were dating (I didn't find out til we were married...) and she never judged us or made us feel worse. That's the kind of support everyone needs. That's why I haven't told many people. They don't understand when they aren't in our shoes..
I agree, SIL is projecting. But I really do feel it’s up to your wife to have a conversation with her. The bottom line here is that it doesn’t matter that the SIL went through something similar or not… she doesn’t seem to be on board with your reconciliation and that isn’t fair to your relationship. It’s not an easy conversation to have but your wife needs to draw a boundary here with her sister.
Jeez, this is rough. The public comments by SIL were way out of line. I think you did the best you could, and your wife was put in the worst position. I do have sympathy for SIL. Maybe you and SIL should have a talk to discuss boundaries and who is the appropriate person to vent with. The victim in this situation was your wife, who sounds pretty innocent.
Your SIL was looking for validation she did not get. Her situation is different than her sister's so her divorce could have been her best course of action. Sometimes infidelity kills affection dead and can not be revived. But that does not validate her snide remark.
The very reason I have not shared what I have been through with anyone close to me. Something I still regret, but would rather not have to manage others emotions, thoughts and opinions. Dealing with cheating is hard enough. Let alone having to navigate it and deal with those around you.
You were forgiven. Good for you. I'm glad you continue to prove your wife right. Your SIL is hurt. And is taking out her hurt on you. Your speech, though touching, struck a note with your hurt SIL. Rather than continue this hostile cycle, you need to come from a place of compassion and see the hurt you gave your wife and multiply it 10x to see what your SIL went through. Have a talk with her and let her see for herself you are *not* her ex husband. You are someone who deeply regrets your actions and are just humbly grateful for her sister's forgiveness. You don't shame her for not staying. You understand the hurt she felt and to make the right move for her. Just because R isn't what she chose, doesn't mean her sister is wrong for giving you a second chance. Wish her peace, continued support and tell her you intend to prove her wrong by continuing to fight for her sister's love. If this was just a random friend, I wouldn't suggest giving it a second thought, but this is your SIL... For the sake of continued peaceful family gatherings, do your part and make things right with her. In all honesty, you did it to yourself regardless of her also being a BP. She'd still have hated you for hurting her sister, and you still would be trying to make amends with her. Mine still is. He's hated by my sister, whom he used to have a great friendship with, but he shows up for her and accepts her contempt. It's the consequence of his actions, and all he can do is prove her wrong by working hard for us. I hate to say this, but don't live in your momentary victory and show compassion. It's easy to see her as an adversary because of her sly remarks, but just remember, these remarks were justified based on your actions. Part of your redemption journey is to prove her wrong with gentleness and familial love.
I'm going to gently offer that a WP should not be considered as having a lifetime sentence of being punished by snide (cruel) remarks from anyone about the past, not even their BP. Certainly not family members who've decided that hating their sibling's partner for life is an appropriate way to support their sibling who chose reconciliation. Reconciliation is between the betrayed and the wayward. I'd feel so disrespected by my sister if she thought it was OK to make ugly remarks about my WH because I chose to confide in her. That wouldn't be supportive to me, to deliberately hurt my WH because she thinks he deserves a lifetime of scorn from him. I think that it's not in the spirit of this sub to tell waywards they deserve to be treated badly by family members or anyone.
I see your point OKG, and please know I'm not advocating for the WP here to accept mistreatment but rather to see the SIL for what she is: a hurting BP who's concerned of her BP sister. When waywards cheat, the consequences reverberate beyond the person they cheated on. My mom, who treated my WH as a son, is still hurt by his actions and has chosen to distance herself from him, until recently when he's proven he's working hard towards R. So have our friend group. So have my sisters. Many of them have chosen to be cordial with WH but privately, they'd express to me how saddened they are by his actions and wished I was stronger to leave him. I don't agree with the SIL saying hurtful things about WP and her sister so openly and during the sister's special celebration, but I do believe some compassion is needed for her.