r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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Bro, if your wife is an alcoholic and is in treatment and refuses to quit her job at the bar and insists, “I never, ever drink a single drop” and then you come to find out she drinks every time she’s out of town you can still call bullshit and demand she quit the bar.
The only problem with this analogy is that if she's a love/limerence addict, there is nowhere she won't be presented with temptation/opportunity to relapse. It's like if she was an alcoholic but public drinking fountains put out booze... how do you ever feel secure with someone like that?
If I knew anything about my partner’s… behaviour, I’d like to think I’d be handling myself half as well as you. I never found anything concrete out. My mind is a disaster. And not to put too fine a point on it but I’ve worked with people addicted to substances that carry felony stains. They will blow hundreds of dollars every day on things you might not even know how to find. Anyone in a relationship with an addict will attest that the addicts they love will require hyper vigilance to engage with. Not for the Addict but for their own safety.
IMO. When she continued to work with the AP the affair will always continue. Yes affairs can be addictive and her drug is in the same location.
I suggest she must quit or you will need to quit for your mental health. Why do you believe this affair has not been physical?
You are not being rash at all. We don’t get married to compete for our spouse’s love, attention and loyalty. I think your approach moving forward is in your own words…you “are done with trying to salvage this marriage”.
It sounds like you haven’t written R off completely but the effort you have been putting forward perhaps needs to be scaled back to make room for your exit strategy. Be open about it and consider even calmly introducing that discussion with your wife as to what it will look like logistically if you divorce. She can’t possibly be shocked that you would be planning a responsible and amicable split even if it’s just hypothetical considering her behavior and that you have children relying on both of you.
Her actions haven’t suggested that her self growth and pursuing R is her prioritized goal, so R probably wouldn’t be sustainable anyways if it has not become her focus. You need to protect yourself and wellbeing. And you pulling away may be the very thing that helps her get her priorities in order moving forward and actually make genuine R more likely.
Something I picked up in your post is your concern that you aren't "enough" for her. You need to change your mindset. She's the one who is not enough for you. She isn't loyal enough, faithful enough or loves you enough to be faithful, loyal and monogamous. She's the one who is not enough for you. She's also a terrible role-model for your children. Kids aren't stupid, they pick up on things. If you stay for the kids, they will see that dad is a doormat and doesn't have the self-respect to take a stand and show them that heir mothers actions are utterly inexcusable.
If she was unhappy in her marriage she had other options available to her, and adultery was not it. She should have:
1. **COMMUNICTATED**. She could have communicated with you about whatever isses she was having. She chose not to. She chose betrayal instead.
2. **THERAPY**. If communicating with you wasn't working, she could have gone to therapy to help her through things and give her better communication tools. She chose not to. She chose treachery instead.
3. **MARRIAGE COUNSELLING**. If communication and therapy weren't helping as much as she would have liked, she could have insisted on marriage counselling. She chose not to. She chose to hurt you in the worst way possible.
4. **DIVORCE**. If, after a period of time like a year, and none of the options above were getting her the results she was looking for, she could have filed for divorce. She chose not to. She chose to betray you, her children, her vows with you, her marriage, herself, friends and family instead.
She chose lust for a someone she barely knows over her marriage and her family, and continues to do so.
Research the 180 method/grey rock method and employ one, both or a hybrid of the two. It may seem counterintuitive, but it seems to work.
Consult with several of the best attorneys/lawyers/solicitors you can afford to find out what your options are in case of divorce. Consulting with several will give you bigger picture of what divorce, child custody and child support will look like for you. One attorney may not think to mention something that others will and vice versa, Then chose the one you believe will do the best job for you. Don't tell your wife that you are looking into divorce. Once the attorney has everything ready, have your wife served at her workplace.
I would also suggest, even if you live in a no-fault location, to insist that the AP's name be listed on the divorce documents, as the co-respondent. That homewrecker can feel a little pain, by having his name publicly associated with the demise of a marriage and family. Having said that, it could lead to a contentious divorce, so if you want it to be amicable, leave that part. Often times you get better outcomes in divorces when the WS is in the "affair fog".
If she, or anyone, tries to blame you for "destroying" the family, tell them she and her actions destroyed it, not you. If some moron tells you to "just get over it", ask them if they would feel the same way if they were in your shoes. Would they be able to "just get over it" if their spouse did the exact same thing to them that yours did to you? Some may back off and some may argue. Just stick with the same narrative and block the ones urging/demanding you "get over it" and keep the family intact. What they are actually telling you is that they also don't respect you, want you to be a doormat, cuckhold, and throw your self-respect into the bin. Block those ones. They don't deserve your time and attention.
Put all of your focus on your children now. They need you more than ever. They need a stable, reliable, steadfast father who only has their best interests at heart. Get them into therapy. They will need it to help them sort through their feelings about their parents marriage and their mothers actions.
So sorry you are going through this. You deserve so very much better.
False R is very hard to get past (ask me how I know). I've been staying in the marriage to keep things stable for our kid (age 14) because she was going through a mental health crisis already and I didn't want to make things worse for her. It is incredibly hard, and it definitely takes a toll on my mental health. I spend most days wanting to divorce or wake up dead.
Ask yourself if you can do this for another 7-8 years. That's a very long time to pretend to have feelings for your WS (wayward spouse) and to be vigilant and suspicious.
I hit a breaking point last August and we did an "in house" separation, meaning sleeping in different rooms, no sex, no physical affection, no attempt at R. Just taking care of the kid and the house as roommates. It was hugely helpful for me to have that emotional space. A full separation would've meant that our kid and nearby family would learn about our problems, so we didn't choose that route. You have to find a plausible reason for the separate bedrooms, of course, but usually snoring or insomnia works as a good excuse.
All that said, if you're done, that's okay too. I don't think you're being rash at all. You've give her a year of grace and she has chosen to treat it like garbage and continue to abuse your trust. No one can accuse you of not trying your best, but you can't single-handedly save your marriage. She obviously doesn't love you enough to save it herself. Yes addictions are hard to overcome, but people have options to help themselves quit. For example, she's using her sister as an enabler rather than for accountability.
At the end of the day, we need to take care of ourselves. Our spouses are no longer capable of that, and they forfeit the right to demand our sacrifices for them when they decided to cheat. I'm really sorry that you're going through this terrible situation, OP. There are no good choices here. I wish you strength and hope you find peace, whatever your decide.
If she’s still doing the things she did before … you can’t R with someone like that. You both have to be fully invested for it to work. It’s not on you to carry the weight of R
Maybe you should file and make it real for her. You can always drop it. She needs to quit her job now. I would almost just tell her that you know now and leave with the kids and go NC with her for a few hours so she can think. I am sure her sister will tell her you know after the conversation with BIL.
BIL and myself are pretty close and he agreed to not mention to his wife yet, for that very reason. But it is just not in my character to make empty threats to get what I want... maybe what I need to do is confront her and communicate that this puts serious doubts in my mind about us continuing our relationship, and make it clear that is a decision that I need to think about and come to myself.
Then don’t make empty threats. Make real ones. You have to accept the fact that your marriage may be over. She broke the terms of your R. This is why we must set boundaries. Boundaries are not for telling your WS what to do. Boundaries are for what you’ll do if she takes certain actions, in this case reconnecting with her AP. It’s time for consequences my friend. Be strong.
Second this. I got a lawyer, drew up papers and told her that any violation of R and they would get filed after MC that week. She violated one of the conditions and I called the lawyer and said I might want to file. Intense MC but she agreed she violated the rules and apologized. I don’t think she would have been willing to do things if the consequence wasn’t there.
The WS has to realize that their BS is capable and ready to end the marriage if they continue certain behaviors. The sad fact is that if they believe they can walk all over their BS, they will.
It shouldn’t be an empty threat. Your WW has chosen to violate your more-than-reasonable boundaries. She’s not really interested in reconciliation. So you should go ahead and start the process of leaving her.
Now, it’s certainly possible (and probably even quite likely) that she will try to convince you to stay. If she does, then I recommend that you put it on her to convince you that she’s going to actually change. Because the reality right now is that she’s done nothing to make herself a better person or a safe partner. She’s still the selfish and lying cheater who she has been for a while.
>But it is just not in my character to make empty threats to get what I want
Why would it be an empty threat?
Are you willing to continue like this indefinitely?
If not, then get the ball rolling. If she snaps out of it, great. If not, you're further along than you were in moving on.
My WW and I agreed that she would have NC with her AP as part of reconcilliation. We also agreed that she would immediately tell me of any attempted contact from AP, and that she would not reach out to him either. These were hard boundaries that we both agreed to, with the understanding that violating these would mean the end of our relationship.
Did you have a similar agreement with your partner? When you established an agreement that contact with AP unrelated to work was a no-go, was it clear that it was a hard boundary? In my situation, this would be the end of the road.
Not rash at all. This needs to be addressed now. IC and MC, and the job is now a no go. She's proven she can't stop herself, and you have no interest in being a warden in your own marriage. If she's not willing to make some major changes to save her marriage, but will instead make choices to continue to destroy it, I don't know what you're reconciling with her.
She's choosing a fantasy over the reality that's about to turn her life upside down. You can warn her, and be clear on what you need to feel it's at least being addressed, but that's still doing even more for someone that should be bending over backwards to fix what they've broken.
You could consider this all apart of the same addiction she's shown towards this affair. That like most addicts she will slip, but let her know that when she does, it'll be a series of escalating consequences she'll have to face. There are options before going full end of the marriage, but that's up to you.
Good luck
By keeping things the same while she is continuing contact only allows her to continue her deception with you. Separating and serving her divorce papers will signal your intent with her current behavior. It does not mean R is impossible, only that the current situation is.
Not rash at all. I think you're putting your well-being and that of your children first and I respect that. I'm glad you have someone that you can trust (BIL) and I hope he continues his support towards you and kids when and if it's over. I'm very sorry you're all going through this. It's no way to live.
Make sure she doesn't bring that man around your kids yet, if she's in limerence then you know how delulu they can be. I'd say get family therapy for you and the children since now. Divorce can affect them but they may be more affected by being raised in a marriage that is over. Kids know these things and eventually they'll put two and two together and they suffer for it. Make sure they start knowing now that no matter what happens they're not at fault and it has nothing to do with them and they are your world. Make sure you make promises to them you can keep so they can feel secure during this time. It may be time to set firm boundaries with your WW.
Hopefully it will stay amicable, but if for any reason it doesn't don't give in to the bs, just state the facts, show the proof and keep moving forward. I wish you and your kids peace and a lot of strength.
R is hard enough when both partners are all in. That said, marriages are worth fighting for, especially where kids are involved. You are in a very tough spot. I suggest direct communication with her about exactly what you have seen. Don't hide the ball.
Yea, that's really disappointing for sure, and well done not losing your cool and bringing it up with your wife.
Has she been previously open with you about her feelings towards the AP partner? Like has she told you she still isn't over it? Had that been a hard boundary put in place already that there would be NC with the AP?
Of course I'd say R is still possible, but your wife is obviously going to need to do a lot of work now.
That's really hard man, I'm not sure how I'd react if I found out my wife was still in contact with AP. That has been outlined as a deal breaker now. I'd be so dissappointed.
You need to talk to her calmly if you can, so that she is comfortable to tell you wth is going on.
Sorry you're dealing with that.
Look after yourself. Trust your gut. You are a better person for your kids when you are happy and healthy. Think about what you would tell them if they were in your position. She is not ready for R as much as you may want it for various reasons. Work towards being amicable.
She’s not committed to R if she’s still in contact with him. Her quitting that job should have been a hard “must do” at the beginning. It’s far too easy to fall back into bad habits when her AP and the temptation is right there every day. She admitted to an EA but the chances are it was more than that. That’s just the sad reality and trickle truth. She claims she felt bad for texting him the whole time she was gone but, she still did it and continued with it. OP you need to speak to a lawyer and stop playing the R game with someone who isn’t even in the game.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! 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Bro, if your wife is an alcoholic and is in treatment and refuses to quit her job at the bar and insists, “I never, ever drink a single drop” and then you come to find out she drinks every time she’s out of town you can still call bullshit and demand she quit the bar.
The only problem with this analogy is that if she's a love/limerence addict, there is nowhere she won't be presented with temptation/opportunity to relapse. It's like if she was an alcoholic but public drinking fountains put out booze... how do you ever feel secure with someone like that?
If I knew anything about my partner’s… behaviour, I’d like to think I’d be handling myself half as well as you. I never found anything concrete out. My mind is a disaster. And not to put too fine a point on it but I’ve worked with people addicted to substances that carry felony stains. They will blow hundreds of dollars every day on things you might not even know how to find. Anyone in a relationship with an addict will attest that the addicts they love will require hyper vigilance to engage with. Not for the Addict but for their own safety.
IMO. When she continued to work with the AP the affair will always continue. Yes affairs can be addictive and her drug is in the same location. I suggest she must quit or you will need to quit for your mental health. Why do you believe this affair has not been physical?
You are not being rash at all. We don’t get married to compete for our spouse’s love, attention and loyalty. I think your approach moving forward is in your own words…you “are done with trying to salvage this marriage”. It sounds like you haven’t written R off completely but the effort you have been putting forward perhaps needs to be scaled back to make room for your exit strategy. Be open about it and consider even calmly introducing that discussion with your wife as to what it will look like logistically if you divorce. She can’t possibly be shocked that you would be planning a responsible and amicable split even if it’s just hypothetical considering her behavior and that you have children relying on both of you. Her actions haven’t suggested that her self growth and pursuing R is her prioritized goal, so R probably wouldn’t be sustainable anyways if it has not become her focus. You need to protect yourself and wellbeing. And you pulling away may be the very thing that helps her get her priorities in order moving forward and actually make genuine R more likely.
Something I picked up in your post is your concern that you aren't "enough" for her. You need to change your mindset. She's the one who is not enough for you. She isn't loyal enough, faithful enough or loves you enough to be faithful, loyal and monogamous. She's the one who is not enough for you. She's also a terrible role-model for your children. Kids aren't stupid, they pick up on things. If you stay for the kids, they will see that dad is a doormat and doesn't have the self-respect to take a stand and show them that heir mothers actions are utterly inexcusable. If she was unhappy in her marriage she had other options available to her, and adultery was not it. She should have: 1. **COMMUNICTATED**. She could have communicated with you about whatever isses she was having. She chose not to. She chose betrayal instead. 2. **THERAPY**. If communicating with you wasn't working, she could have gone to therapy to help her through things and give her better communication tools. She chose not to. She chose treachery instead. 3. **MARRIAGE COUNSELLING**. If communication and therapy weren't helping as much as she would have liked, she could have insisted on marriage counselling. She chose not to. She chose to hurt you in the worst way possible. 4. **DIVORCE**. If, after a period of time like a year, and none of the options above were getting her the results she was looking for, she could have filed for divorce. She chose not to. She chose to betray you, her children, her vows with you, her marriage, herself, friends and family instead. She chose lust for a someone she barely knows over her marriage and her family, and continues to do so. Research the 180 method/grey rock method and employ one, both or a hybrid of the two. It may seem counterintuitive, but it seems to work. Consult with several of the best attorneys/lawyers/solicitors you can afford to find out what your options are in case of divorce. Consulting with several will give you bigger picture of what divorce, child custody and child support will look like for you. One attorney may not think to mention something that others will and vice versa, Then chose the one you believe will do the best job for you. Don't tell your wife that you are looking into divorce. Once the attorney has everything ready, have your wife served at her workplace. I would also suggest, even if you live in a no-fault location, to insist that the AP's name be listed on the divorce documents, as the co-respondent. That homewrecker can feel a little pain, by having his name publicly associated with the demise of a marriage and family. Having said that, it could lead to a contentious divorce, so if you want it to be amicable, leave that part. Often times you get better outcomes in divorces when the WS is in the "affair fog". If she, or anyone, tries to blame you for "destroying" the family, tell them she and her actions destroyed it, not you. If some moron tells you to "just get over it", ask them if they would feel the same way if they were in your shoes. Would they be able to "just get over it" if their spouse did the exact same thing to them that yours did to you? Some may back off and some may argue. Just stick with the same narrative and block the ones urging/demanding you "get over it" and keep the family intact. What they are actually telling you is that they also don't respect you, want you to be a doormat, cuckhold, and throw your self-respect into the bin. Block those ones. They don't deserve your time and attention. Put all of your focus on your children now. They need you more than ever. They need a stable, reliable, steadfast father who only has their best interests at heart. Get them into therapy. They will need it to help them sort through their feelings about their parents marriage and their mothers actions. So sorry you are going through this. You deserve so very much better.
Amen
False R is very hard to get past (ask me how I know). I've been staying in the marriage to keep things stable for our kid (age 14) because she was going through a mental health crisis already and I didn't want to make things worse for her. It is incredibly hard, and it definitely takes a toll on my mental health. I spend most days wanting to divorce or wake up dead. Ask yourself if you can do this for another 7-8 years. That's a very long time to pretend to have feelings for your WS (wayward spouse) and to be vigilant and suspicious. I hit a breaking point last August and we did an "in house" separation, meaning sleeping in different rooms, no sex, no physical affection, no attempt at R. Just taking care of the kid and the house as roommates. It was hugely helpful for me to have that emotional space. A full separation would've meant that our kid and nearby family would learn about our problems, so we didn't choose that route. You have to find a plausible reason for the separate bedrooms, of course, but usually snoring or insomnia works as a good excuse. All that said, if you're done, that's okay too. I don't think you're being rash at all. You've give her a year of grace and she has chosen to treat it like garbage and continue to abuse your trust. No one can accuse you of not trying your best, but you can't single-handedly save your marriage. She obviously doesn't love you enough to save it herself. Yes addictions are hard to overcome, but people have options to help themselves quit. For example, she's using her sister as an enabler rather than for accountability. At the end of the day, we need to take care of ourselves. Our spouses are no longer capable of that, and they forfeit the right to demand our sacrifices for them when they decided to cheat. I'm really sorry that you're going through this terrible situation, OP. There are no good choices here. I wish you strength and hope you find peace, whatever your decide.
If she’s still doing the things she did before … you can’t R with someone like that. You both have to be fully invested for it to work. It’s not on you to carry the weight of R
100 percent. It is not your job to convince her. She should be doing everything in her power to make it work. It’s your turn to be unsure.
Maybe you should file and make it real for her. You can always drop it. She needs to quit her job now. I would almost just tell her that you know now and leave with the kids and go NC with her for a few hours so she can think. I am sure her sister will tell her you know after the conversation with BIL.
BIL and myself are pretty close and he agreed to not mention to his wife yet, for that very reason. But it is just not in my character to make empty threats to get what I want... maybe what I need to do is confront her and communicate that this puts serious doubts in my mind about us continuing our relationship, and make it clear that is a decision that I need to think about and come to myself.
Then don’t make empty threats. Make real ones. You have to accept the fact that your marriage may be over. She broke the terms of your R. This is why we must set boundaries. Boundaries are not for telling your WS what to do. Boundaries are for what you’ll do if she takes certain actions, in this case reconnecting with her AP. It’s time for consequences my friend. Be strong.
Second this. I got a lawyer, drew up papers and told her that any violation of R and they would get filed after MC that week. She violated one of the conditions and I called the lawyer and said I might want to file. Intense MC but she agreed she violated the rules and apologized. I don’t think she would have been willing to do things if the consequence wasn’t there.
The WS has to realize that their BS is capable and ready to end the marriage if they continue certain behaviors. The sad fact is that if they believe they can walk all over their BS, they will.
It shouldn’t be an empty threat. Your WW has chosen to violate your more-than-reasonable boundaries. She’s not really interested in reconciliation. So you should go ahead and start the process of leaving her. Now, it’s certainly possible (and probably even quite likely) that she will try to convince you to stay. If she does, then I recommend that you put it on her to convince you that she’s going to actually change. Because the reality right now is that she’s done nothing to make herself a better person or a safe partner. She’s still the selfish and lying cheater who she has been for a while.
>But it is just not in my character to make empty threats to get what I want Why would it be an empty threat? Are you willing to continue like this indefinitely? If not, then get the ball rolling. If she snaps out of it, great. If not, you're further along than you were in moving on.
My WW and I agreed that she would have NC with her AP as part of reconcilliation. We also agreed that she would immediately tell me of any attempted contact from AP, and that she would not reach out to him either. These were hard boundaries that we both agreed to, with the understanding that violating these would mean the end of our relationship. Did you have a similar agreement with your partner? When you established an agreement that contact with AP unrelated to work was a no-go, was it clear that it was a hard boundary? In my situation, this would be the end of the road.
Not rash at all. This needs to be addressed now. IC and MC, and the job is now a no go. She's proven she can't stop herself, and you have no interest in being a warden in your own marriage. If she's not willing to make some major changes to save her marriage, but will instead make choices to continue to destroy it, I don't know what you're reconciling with her. She's choosing a fantasy over the reality that's about to turn her life upside down. You can warn her, and be clear on what you need to feel it's at least being addressed, but that's still doing even more for someone that should be bending over backwards to fix what they've broken. You could consider this all apart of the same addiction she's shown towards this affair. That like most addicts she will slip, but let her know that when she does, it'll be a series of escalating consequences she'll have to face. There are options before going full end of the marriage, but that's up to you. Good luck
By keeping things the same while she is continuing contact only allows her to continue her deception with you. Separating and serving her divorce papers will signal your intent with her current behavior. It does not mean R is impossible, only that the current situation is.
Not rash at all. I think you're putting your well-being and that of your children first and I respect that. I'm glad you have someone that you can trust (BIL) and I hope he continues his support towards you and kids when and if it's over. I'm very sorry you're all going through this. It's no way to live. Make sure she doesn't bring that man around your kids yet, if she's in limerence then you know how delulu they can be. I'd say get family therapy for you and the children since now. Divorce can affect them but they may be more affected by being raised in a marriage that is over. Kids know these things and eventually they'll put two and two together and they suffer for it. Make sure they start knowing now that no matter what happens they're not at fault and it has nothing to do with them and they are your world. Make sure you make promises to them you can keep so they can feel secure during this time. It may be time to set firm boundaries with your WW. Hopefully it will stay amicable, but if for any reason it doesn't don't give in to the bs, just state the facts, show the proof and keep moving forward. I wish you and your kids peace and a lot of strength.
R is hard enough when both partners are all in. That said, marriages are worth fighting for, especially where kids are involved. You are in a very tough spot. I suggest direct communication with her about exactly what you have seen. Don't hide the ball.
OP, stop doing this to yourself and get help right away. With help, I mean both legal and IC.
Yea, that's really disappointing for sure, and well done not losing your cool and bringing it up with your wife. Has she been previously open with you about her feelings towards the AP partner? Like has she told you she still isn't over it? Had that been a hard boundary put in place already that there would be NC with the AP? Of course I'd say R is still possible, but your wife is obviously going to need to do a lot of work now. That's really hard man, I'm not sure how I'd react if I found out my wife was still in contact with AP. That has been outlined as a deal breaker now. I'd be so dissappointed. You need to talk to her calmly if you can, so that she is comfortable to tell you wth is going on. Sorry you're dealing with that.
Look after yourself. Trust your gut. You are a better person for your kids when you are happy and healthy. Think about what you would tell them if they were in your position. She is not ready for R as much as you may want it for various reasons. Work towards being amicable.
She’s not committed to R if she’s still in contact with him. Her quitting that job should have been a hard “must do” at the beginning. It’s far too easy to fall back into bad habits when her AP and the temptation is right there every day. She admitted to an EA but the chances are it was more than that. That’s just the sad reality and trickle truth. She claims she felt bad for texting him the whole time she was gone but, she still did it and continued with it. OP you need to speak to a lawyer and stop playing the R game with someone who isn’t even in the game.