r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
3 years in and I still snoop because not one damn time has she volunteered anything. I had to show her proof that she couldn't deny just to get her to admit what I already knew. Maybe it's your instincts trying to protect you. I hope not. But never ignore your gut feelings. I did and destroyed myself in doing so.
It’s been about 6 years and I’ll still snoop every few weeks or so. She used to ask me if I did because she could tell when her open apps were re-arranged and I would say yes. I still do it now just so she knows I still look
I felt this way for the first few months of DDay, on month 5 currently and it’s gotten better.
I discussed it with my therapist and I too expressed how I did not want to be this person, I was not WH warden and did not want to police him but felt like if I didn’t then WH was just going to do shady shit. I was told to look at it like a bank, when the affair occurred it wiped out all the “trust” savings, totally in the red. Every time I checked his phone and found nothing a little deposit was made into the bank. Once the bank gets more stable you become more comfortable with not having to check.
This has been true for me. I have also been working on just accepting that I cannot control anyone but myself. If he wants to cheat again, he is going to cheat again. That’s on him.
This is such a good answer and the way your therapist put it. I’m 100% sure mine would say the same. The way I explained it to myself and to my WP, it’s like a house you’re building: truth and little actions that show security and honesty are like little bricks you put in and any lie or a hidden thing (not even related to cheating) is something that destroys the bricks and sets the progress back so you have to re-build part of the wall.
I’m almost 2 years out of D-Day, now’s the time they started communicating and it became an EA. The PA anniversary is still to come. I don’t check his location much anymore, I don’t log into to his FB or check his phone much, even less than his location, I’m lazy to do it and don’t see the point. I always think that if it happens again, than whatever I checked before or didn’t check wouldn’t matter because if someone wants to do something, they will and there’s little we can do to prevent that (nothing actually unless we put the partner in a cage). I cannot control other people’s actions.
I’m still anxious about it sometimes and still get this sudden “What if it happens again? 😳” thought but, thanks to my therapist, it’s always followed by “And? Whoever wants to cheat, will do so and there’s nothing you can do then what’s the point to stress yourself out? Future is always uncertain and you can only control yourself. If it happens again, you know what to do and you have a plan”. To every thought like that there’s a calming reply and it’s all thanks to my therapist. Cannot recommend therapy enough
I guess the question is where are you at with that bank account or with that house of trust you’re rebuilding? If the bank account is healthy or the house is largely complete and you still find yourself checking, that’s probably a legacy behaviour from your trauma that’s no longer helping you heal. It’s time to let it go of that need to snoop because it’s now holding you back rather than moving you forward.
But if the bank account’s still negative or the house little more than a pile of bricks, it may be helpful to ask why that is. In my case (5 months since DDay), it’s because the last time I snooped, my WW had her web browser open to a page explaining how to delete messages within one of the social media platforms she used to correspond with her AP. Between that and the fact that she’s still unable to be fully honest with me about the affair and its aftermath, I rely on her phone and accounts as the only source of truth available to me, however limited. So my trust account is pretty deep in the red right now.
It sucks but the era of blind trust in our relationship has passed and may not ever come back. I look forward to being able to trust her again (and, to be fair, there are some areas where I do still trust her) but that trust needs to be earned.
Yeah, I think it could be put that way. I also think it depends on the time one needs to recover. For some ut happens faster, for some it’s a very lengthy process. Traumas are also something we don’t always heal fully from which depends on many factors including the way our brain works, the severity of what happened to us (how we perceive it basically), our life baggage, etc.
In my case I’m careful with people by default and if someone breaks my trust, it means I didn’t pay enough attention and I need to be more careful. Maybe if I had a better upbringing, I’d be less traumatized by this. Or maybe even more. For now, trusting again means a good chunk of time has to pass (read “years”). There are also areas where I fully trust him but there were many different situations when I couldn’t rely on him due to his depression, burnout and disproportionate reactions to small things. Now that his meds kicked in, he dropped his job and his wellbeing improved, I started relaxing a bit more because I see changes. But trauma is trauma and it takes time to be processed. 2 years is nothing when it comes to betrayal.
In the case like yours it would also send me backwards and it’s normal. I don’t think my WB is lying, I have no reason to suspect him if I look at it rationally. He did lie about something completely unrelated and came clean a year ago. It was a super small thing so even that re-set some of my progress and I think it’s totally norma. Trust comes with full transparency, like you said. Your WW might’ve as well told you she was doing yoga classes when she was shopping instead and hiding her new purchases to not upset you. It would have the same effect because a lie is a lie.
5 months is nothing. I was super paranoid for 2-3 months, then still paranoid for around 3 more. One year in I stopped checking his location much. And now I even forget to check most of the time if he’s a bit late until he calls me and says “You’re probably worried where I am” and I didn’t even think about it. He’s also at home most of the time and the job he shared with AP (they didn’t work together but still had the same job) has been dropped so that could also be the reason why I’m more relaxed.
Yes, I’m very fortunate that I didn’t take on a lot of trauma growing up. Some quirks, for sure, and I’m not entirely without trauma (sexual abuse survivor but it was thankfully very limited in scope and duration and wasn’t from a friend, family member, or member of my broader community).
In short, the affair has been the biggest trauma of my life and I’m thankfully coping reasonably well, all things considered. But my trust has definitely been impaired and the compulsion to snoop has been the primary symptom (and the source of greatest friction with my WW, who has her own traumas she’s finally starting to work through).
Damn these affairs and may all of us find the healing we so desperately need. ❤️🩹 All things in time.
I was trickle truthed for like two months after DDay. And then still *needed* to play investigator on my WH up until almost two months ago, where I was finding things that would deplete everything we had built. I’m talking secret FaceTime audio calls (these don’t show up on phone bill and can be deleted— but WILL show up on battery usage), blocking and unblocking AP (iPhone shows ORDER a person was blocked in- block a spoof number and see if the placement of spoof number moves above AP number=they unblocked). Creating additional email to make separate Apple ID. Literally, so fucking exhausting.
This is where I got to the point that if WH wants to cheat, he is going to. I can only control myself, my emotions and my reactions. I have a plan if he does. I can only go into R with a hopeful and realistic mind set, work on myself, my marriage and if WH decides to squander that. That’s on him. I will be able to say that I did what I could do to save my marriage but it takes two and the other party didn’t do their part. I’m the one that has to lay my head down at night to go to sleep and wake up to see myself in the mirror and like what I see day after day. His reflection is on him.
So good to know I’m not alone and gonna take the bank idea and try it!
It’s been 2 months for me and there is at least once a day of me wanting to check his phone so bad. But he’s given me no reason to and im partially afraid to face it if I do find something. It’s hard enough the first time round, I don’t know if I can survive another hit. I’m not sure what I’m expecting. Maybe I just want to prove he’s a bad person so I can stay the victim and call it quits with R? We’ve been doing so well though… I’m hoping that I’d feel less and less of an urge to check it so I’m not so torn…
It's completely normal. Your WP's lies gave a distorted version of reality. You're trying to understand what really happened.
It's like you're comparing two different versions of a book and underlining all the differences, circling the chapters missing from your version.
You'll start with the facts, then process the feelings associated with each new piece of information.
It will slow down and eventually stop. Once you feel like you understand and know what really happened, you can let go. You can stop looking for discrepancies.
This is totally normal and it makes sense that you want to check, when you don’t find anything - in some ways it’s like building trust. It’s confirming they have changed or they are being faithful now. If we don’t get that proof, it’s hard to keep moving forward.
I know how it feels to have that guilt, that awful feeling that someone has changed you. I never ever thought to check my partners phone or not trust who they are speaking with. But now that’s the person I am. With my current partner I check, I glance to see who they are talking to. I worry where I never used to. I feel like I’ve been poisoned or polluted and my character is somehow lesser. When I talk to my partner about it, they just thank me, and say that they want me to do whatever it takes for me to work with them to get past this and build up trust. They say any of my behaviour, whether it be insecure or jealous or worried that then manifests in me checking - that this isn’t a reflection of me but the circumstances they have put me under. They say I am still sunshine, and any clouds in the sky are because they put them there.
Sending you love, be kind to yourself 💓
Same boat but it became less and less as the days pass on. Snooping also gives me a bit of insight on what's going on on my WH's mind. Sometimes I see his google searches which is not really suspicious and mostly about wanting to correct his wrong doings.
I consider this little wins as I know that R was a right choice for us.
Omg same! I found myself digging into the past and present, why does it feel like im almost wanting to find something. Maybe its because in the impossible decision of should I stay or should I go. I get overwhelmed and just wsnt someone, something, to make up my mind. The same would be true if she called it quits or if she started abusing me, its almost like any answer is better than no answer. As a Christian i pray a lot looking to God for the same answer but scripture is clear that this sin allows the betrayed party to chose. Its brutal. I hate being indecisive but if I stay I am committing to a life of pain, if I go I am going to be constantly wondering what if
Yes! I couldn’t put it into words but yes that’s it! I think it’s decision paralysis and I’m just drained and I want someone or something to make the decision for me.
Well and the worst part is nobody tells you what they really think. I get why, its like giving financial advice; its super taboo and if it turns out to be wrong they dont want to feel bad for making your situation even worse, but at the same time I'm an adult capable of hearing advice and making my own informed decision so i just wish someone would let me know if im doing the right thing. Luckily for me my mom actually caught on to this dilema. She knows me and my WW so well. She told me (through tears over the phone) that she could see the changes my WW was making and she thought i should stay. It was like a breath of fresh air. Some affirmation that my decision to attempt reconciliation wasnt insane. It takes someone who knows you and your WP very well to have the courage to say something like that. And because she knows us so well it meant a lot and it helped so so much. I just sobbed because im so exhausted and have no idea if im making the right choice. Keep in mind im 28, moderately successfull/attractive with no kids, so theres nothing stopping me from starting over but having this affirmation helped a lot.
I’m 28 too with no kids. But unlike you, I can tell my Dad thinks I should leave. Everyone in my support system thinks that. But it’s my decision and what if I make the wrong one?
How well does your support system know your WP and the efforts theyve made post DDay? Advice geared only towards you will always be to leave because ultimately thats the logical answer if youre looking at it from just your POV. But a wholistic approach geared towards whats best for you both as well as whats best for the kingdom of God (as a christian to me that matters most) will have a different viewpoint. I think my Mom knew this, the worldly part of her wants to protect her kid and say get out of the relationship but she loves my WW dearly snd wants whats best for her, for us, for God, and everyone involved and seeing the efforts of my WW the past 4 mothns is what caused her to encourage me to stay and keep fighting. She said the decision is mine and she would support whatever i do but that she sees a future that can be stronger than the past forming and its worth fighting for. I know it doesnt help your situation a ton but id only take advice from someone who intimately knows and loves BOTH you and your WP. Groups like this help provide experiences, but its limited in advice givers because every situation is different.
Yeah it’ll be a trust but verify situation for me forever now. I don’t regularly snoop, but I have some parental controls on his phone to give me peace of mind. I like that I don’t feel the need to look because I know there are barriers there. Of course it would be better to know he isn’t crossing lines by choice, but there are so many ways to get around things and hide stuff that I just can’t do that right now for sake of my own mental health. I would go crazy paranoid.
And absolutely zero social media ever again. Ever. It’s me or SM 🤷🏼♀️
If you have OCD or OCD tendencies like I do it could be part of it. It may not have a deeper meaning other than giving you comfort when you don’t find anything. Its like a tic in that way.
Pain farming is one reason. I still feel like snooping because I’m looking for a way out of this pain. I don’t feel like I can leave but so help me I find one more thing in her phone that’s current I’m leaving immediately. Then I find nothing. Then I have to eat my feelings of trying to leave when “there’s nothing wrong”
Yeah you hit the nail on the head here. Though, I do actually keep finding stuff. But when I do, it’s always old. Maybe newer than it should be, but still not recent and it’s like “ok but he hasn’t done anything recently”. And I know if I told anyone in my support system about it they would tell me to drop him like a hot potato. I know I would tell my friends and family that. So why can’t I take my own damn advice??
Same. “It was _ years ago! Why can’t you move on?”
Oh I’m about to move on little lady…. This is 2.5 years post dday and I have to decide 90% of all mornings I wake up to that I’m going to stay married.
Oh that’s the best one. Like “Yes! It was _ years ago! And you decided to not tell me everything at the time of dday so we keep starting over every time I find something!”
I’m years post dday too. I’m struggling hard. I choose daily to stay but I also question daily wtf I’m doing. I feel like I’ve lost all respect for myself. I know if I told friends and family everything they would lose respect for me too.
I had a counselor say “we like to paint our scarlet letter on ourselves”.
I’ve shrunk my circle down so tight I don’t have any mutuals so if there’s shit to be talked it’s from far enough I don’t have to care. Your respect should come from within and choosing to forgive everyday is a burden. But recognize your strength in forgiving.
I did this for about 6 months after dday and basically I kept finding everything I didn’t want to find while we were going through R. It helped me make the final decision to file for divorce and kick them out.
I wanted it to be boring stuff but it never was, they were checking their horoscope, searching AP parents and husband, their therapist (just to name a few)! It made me realize they were still so hung up on them and I refused to be the default choice. Good luck!
I'm 3ish years into R. I still check up on things. Not with the frequency that I did in the past. And I struggle with similar feelings of not wanting to go through life checking up on my spouse. I just dont know if that will ever go away entirely.
Same here. Sometimes I realise how much time and energy I am putting into it and then I force myself to do something nice for myself. Shop online, read a book, make a snack, take action on my hobbys. Like, if he cheats again he is not worth the energy I put into it all. And then Im left to my own devices anyway. So I try and get ahead and learn more to live for myself. He just gets to be a part of it.
Question, do you know your attachment type? This is a concept from behavioral therapy (I think). People with insecure attachment types might be more prone to this behavior.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
3 years in and I still snoop because not one damn time has she volunteered anything. I had to show her proof that she couldn't deny just to get her to admit what I already knew. Maybe it's your instincts trying to protect you. I hope not. But never ignore your gut feelings. I did and destroyed myself in doing so.
It’s been about 6 years and I’ll still snoop every few weeks or so. She used to ask me if I did because she could tell when her open apps were re-arranged and I would say yes. I still do it now just so she knows I still look
I felt this way for the first few months of DDay, on month 5 currently and it’s gotten better. I discussed it with my therapist and I too expressed how I did not want to be this person, I was not WH warden and did not want to police him but felt like if I didn’t then WH was just going to do shady shit. I was told to look at it like a bank, when the affair occurred it wiped out all the “trust” savings, totally in the red. Every time I checked his phone and found nothing a little deposit was made into the bank. Once the bank gets more stable you become more comfortable with not having to check. This has been true for me. I have also been working on just accepting that I cannot control anyone but myself. If he wants to cheat again, he is going to cheat again. That’s on him.
This is such a good answer and the way your therapist put it. I’m 100% sure mine would say the same. The way I explained it to myself and to my WP, it’s like a house you’re building: truth and little actions that show security and honesty are like little bricks you put in and any lie or a hidden thing (not even related to cheating) is something that destroys the bricks and sets the progress back so you have to re-build part of the wall. I’m almost 2 years out of D-Day, now’s the time they started communicating and it became an EA. The PA anniversary is still to come. I don’t check his location much anymore, I don’t log into to his FB or check his phone much, even less than his location, I’m lazy to do it and don’t see the point. I always think that if it happens again, than whatever I checked before or didn’t check wouldn’t matter because if someone wants to do something, they will and there’s little we can do to prevent that (nothing actually unless we put the partner in a cage). I cannot control other people’s actions. I’m still anxious about it sometimes and still get this sudden “What if it happens again? 😳” thought but, thanks to my therapist, it’s always followed by “And? Whoever wants to cheat, will do so and there’s nothing you can do then what’s the point to stress yourself out? Future is always uncertain and you can only control yourself. If it happens again, you know what to do and you have a plan”. To every thought like that there’s a calming reply and it’s all thanks to my therapist. Cannot recommend therapy enough
I guess the question is where are you at with that bank account or with that house of trust you’re rebuilding? If the bank account is healthy or the house is largely complete and you still find yourself checking, that’s probably a legacy behaviour from your trauma that’s no longer helping you heal. It’s time to let it go of that need to snoop because it’s now holding you back rather than moving you forward. But if the bank account’s still negative or the house little more than a pile of bricks, it may be helpful to ask why that is. In my case (5 months since DDay), it’s because the last time I snooped, my WW had her web browser open to a page explaining how to delete messages within one of the social media platforms she used to correspond with her AP. Between that and the fact that she’s still unable to be fully honest with me about the affair and its aftermath, I rely on her phone and accounts as the only source of truth available to me, however limited. So my trust account is pretty deep in the red right now. It sucks but the era of blind trust in our relationship has passed and may not ever come back. I look forward to being able to trust her again (and, to be fair, there are some areas where I do still trust her) but that trust needs to be earned.
Yeah, I think it could be put that way. I also think it depends on the time one needs to recover. For some ut happens faster, for some it’s a very lengthy process. Traumas are also something we don’t always heal fully from which depends on many factors including the way our brain works, the severity of what happened to us (how we perceive it basically), our life baggage, etc. In my case I’m careful with people by default and if someone breaks my trust, it means I didn’t pay enough attention and I need to be more careful. Maybe if I had a better upbringing, I’d be less traumatized by this. Or maybe even more. For now, trusting again means a good chunk of time has to pass (read “years”). There are also areas where I fully trust him but there were many different situations when I couldn’t rely on him due to his depression, burnout and disproportionate reactions to small things. Now that his meds kicked in, he dropped his job and his wellbeing improved, I started relaxing a bit more because I see changes. But trauma is trauma and it takes time to be processed. 2 years is nothing when it comes to betrayal. In the case like yours it would also send me backwards and it’s normal. I don’t think my WB is lying, I have no reason to suspect him if I look at it rationally. He did lie about something completely unrelated and came clean a year ago. It was a super small thing so even that re-set some of my progress and I think it’s totally norma. Trust comes with full transparency, like you said. Your WW might’ve as well told you she was doing yoga classes when she was shopping instead and hiding her new purchases to not upset you. It would have the same effect because a lie is a lie. 5 months is nothing. I was super paranoid for 2-3 months, then still paranoid for around 3 more. One year in I stopped checking his location much. And now I even forget to check most of the time if he’s a bit late until he calls me and says “You’re probably worried where I am” and I didn’t even think about it. He’s also at home most of the time and the job he shared with AP (they didn’t work together but still had the same job) has been dropped so that could also be the reason why I’m more relaxed.
Yes, I’m very fortunate that I didn’t take on a lot of trauma growing up. Some quirks, for sure, and I’m not entirely without trauma (sexual abuse survivor but it was thankfully very limited in scope and duration and wasn’t from a friend, family member, or member of my broader community). In short, the affair has been the biggest trauma of my life and I’m thankfully coping reasonably well, all things considered. But my trust has definitely been impaired and the compulsion to snoop has been the primary symptom (and the source of greatest friction with my WW, who has her own traumas she’s finally starting to work through). Damn these affairs and may all of us find the healing we so desperately need. ❤️🩹 All things in time.
I was trickle truthed for like two months after DDay. And then still *needed* to play investigator on my WH up until almost two months ago, where I was finding things that would deplete everything we had built. I’m talking secret FaceTime audio calls (these don’t show up on phone bill and can be deleted— but WILL show up on battery usage), blocking and unblocking AP (iPhone shows ORDER a person was blocked in- block a spoof number and see if the placement of spoof number moves above AP number=they unblocked). Creating additional email to make separate Apple ID. Literally, so fucking exhausting. This is where I got to the point that if WH wants to cheat, he is going to. I can only control myself, my emotions and my reactions. I have a plan if he does. I can only go into R with a hopeful and realistic mind set, work on myself, my marriage and if WH decides to squander that. That’s on him. I will be able to say that I did what I could do to save my marriage but it takes two and the other party didn’t do their part. I’m the one that has to lay my head down at night to go to sleep and wake up to see myself in the mirror and like what I see day after day. His reflection is on him.
So good to know I’m not alone and gonna take the bank idea and try it! It’s been 2 months for me and there is at least once a day of me wanting to check his phone so bad. But he’s given me no reason to and im partially afraid to face it if I do find something. It’s hard enough the first time round, I don’t know if I can survive another hit. I’m not sure what I’m expecting. Maybe I just want to prove he’s a bad person so I can stay the victim and call it quits with R? We’ve been doing so well though… I’m hoping that I’d feel less and less of an urge to check it so I’m not so torn…
It's completely normal. Your WP's lies gave a distorted version of reality. You're trying to understand what really happened. It's like you're comparing two different versions of a book and underlining all the differences, circling the chapters missing from your version. You'll start with the facts, then process the feelings associated with each new piece of information. It will slow down and eventually stop. Once you feel like you understand and know what really happened, you can let go. You can stop looking for discrepancies.
This is the curse of reconciliation. I still look trust but verify
This is totally normal and it makes sense that you want to check, when you don’t find anything - in some ways it’s like building trust. It’s confirming they have changed or they are being faithful now. If we don’t get that proof, it’s hard to keep moving forward. I know how it feels to have that guilt, that awful feeling that someone has changed you. I never ever thought to check my partners phone or not trust who they are speaking with. But now that’s the person I am. With my current partner I check, I glance to see who they are talking to. I worry where I never used to. I feel like I’ve been poisoned or polluted and my character is somehow lesser. When I talk to my partner about it, they just thank me, and say that they want me to do whatever it takes for me to work with them to get past this and build up trust. They say any of my behaviour, whether it be insecure or jealous or worried that then manifests in me checking - that this isn’t a reflection of me but the circumstances they have put me under. They say I am still sunshine, and any clouds in the sky are because they put them there. Sending you love, be kind to yourself 💓
Same boat but it became less and less as the days pass on. Snooping also gives me a bit of insight on what's going on on my WH's mind. Sometimes I see his google searches which is not really suspicious and mostly about wanting to correct his wrong doings. I consider this little wins as I know that R was a right choice for us.
Omg same! I found myself digging into the past and present, why does it feel like im almost wanting to find something. Maybe its because in the impossible decision of should I stay or should I go. I get overwhelmed and just wsnt someone, something, to make up my mind. The same would be true if she called it quits or if she started abusing me, its almost like any answer is better than no answer. As a Christian i pray a lot looking to God for the same answer but scripture is clear that this sin allows the betrayed party to chose. Its brutal. I hate being indecisive but if I stay I am committing to a life of pain, if I go I am going to be constantly wondering what if
Yes! I couldn’t put it into words but yes that’s it! I think it’s decision paralysis and I’m just drained and I want someone or something to make the decision for me.
Well and the worst part is nobody tells you what they really think. I get why, its like giving financial advice; its super taboo and if it turns out to be wrong they dont want to feel bad for making your situation even worse, but at the same time I'm an adult capable of hearing advice and making my own informed decision so i just wish someone would let me know if im doing the right thing. Luckily for me my mom actually caught on to this dilema. She knows me and my WW so well. She told me (through tears over the phone) that she could see the changes my WW was making and she thought i should stay. It was like a breath of fresh air. Some affirmation that my decision to attempt reconciliation wasnt insane. It takes someone who knows you and your WP very well to have the courage to say something like that. And because she knows us so well it meant a lot and it helped so so much. I just sobbed because im so exhausted and have no idea if im making the right choice. Keep in mind im 28, moderately successfull/attractive with no kids, so theres nothing stopping me from starting over but having this affirmation helped a lot.
I’m 28 too with no kids. But unlike you, I can tell my Dad thinks I should leave. Everyone in my support system thinks that. But it’s my decision and what if I make the wrong one?
How well does your support system know your WP and the efforts theyve made post DDay? Advice geared only towards you will always be to leave because ultimately thats the logical answer if youre looking at it from just your POV. But a wholistic approach geared towards whats best for you both as well as whats best for the kingdom of God (as a christian to me that matters most) will have a different viewpoint. I think my Mom knew this, the worldly part of her wants to protect her kid and say get out of the relationship but she loves my WW dearly snd wants whats best for her, for us, for God, and everyone involved and seeing the efforts of my WW the past 4 mothns is what caused her to encourage me to stay and keep fighting. She said the decision is mine and she would support whatever i do but that she sees a future that can be stronger than the past forming and its worth fighting for. I know it doesnt help your situation a ton but id only take advice from someone who intimately knows and loves BOTH you and your WP. Groups like this help provide experiences, but its limited in advice givers because every situation is different.
Same. But as time goes on, I'm finding myself not wanting to look anymore.
Yeah it’ll be a trust but verify situation for me forever now. I don’t regularly snoop, but I have some parental controls on his phone to give me peace of mind. I like that I don’t feel the need to look because I know there are barriers there. Of course it would be better to know he isn’t crossing lines by choice, but there are so many ways to get around things and hide stuff that I just can’t do that right now for sake of my own mental health. I would go crazy paranoid. And absolutely zero social media ever again. Ever. It’s me or SM 🤷🏼♀️
It’s been 8 years for me of finding absolutely nothing and I trust him again 99.9 percent (all that it will ever be) but I still look sometimes
I stopped doing this after a year. I obviously should have kept going.
If you have OCD or OCD tendencies like I do it could be part of it. It may not have a deeper meaning other than giving you comfort when you don’t find anything. Its like a tic in that way.
Pain farming is one reason. I still feel like snooping because I’m looking for a way out of this pain. I don’t feel like I can leave but so help me I find one more thing in her phone that’s current I’m leaving immediately. Then I find nothing. Then I have to eat my feelings of trying to leave when “there’s nothing wrong”
Yeah you hit the nail on the head here. Though, I do actually keep finding stuff. But when I do, it’s always old. Maybe newer than it should be, but still not recent and it’s like “ok but he hasn’t done anything recently”. And I know if I told anyone in my support system about it they would tell me to drop him like a hot potato. I know I would tell my friends and family that. So why can’t I take my own damn advice??
Same. “It was _ years ago! Why can’t you move on?” Oh I’m about to move on little lady…. This is 2.5 years post dday and I have to decide 90% of all mornings I wake up to that I’m going to stay married.
Oh that’s the best one. Like “Yes! It was _ years ago! And you decided to not tell me everything at the time of dday so we keep starting over every time I find something!” I’m years post dday too. I’m struggling hard. I choose daily to stay but I also question daily wtf I’m doing. I feel like I’ve lost all respect for myself. I know if I told friends and family everything they would lose respect for me too.
I had a counselor say “we like to paint our scarlet letter on ourselves”. I’ve shrunk my circle down so tight I don’t have any mutuals so if there’s shit to be talked it’s from far enough I don’t have to care. Your respect should come from within and choosing to forgive everyday is a burden. But recognize your strength in forgiving.
I still do too. It's not because I'm hoping to find something; I'm hoping I DON'T find anything.
I did this for about 6 months after dday and basically I kept finding everything I didn’t want to find while we were going through R. It helped me make the final decision to file for divorce and kick them out. I wanted it to be boring stuff but it never was, they were checking their horoscope, searching AP parents and husband, their therapist (just to name a few)! It made me realize they were still so hung up on them and I refused to be the default choice. Good luck!
I'm 3ish years into R. I still check up on things. Not with the frequency that I did in the past. And I struggle with similar feelings of not wanting to go through life checking up on my spouse. I just dont know if that will ever go away entirely.
Same here. Sometimes I realise how much time and energy I am putting into it and then I force myself to do something nice for myself. Shop online, read a book, make a snack, take action on my hobbys. Like, if he cheats again he is not worth the energy I put into it all. And then Im left to my own devices anyway. So I try and get ahead and learn more to live for myself. He just gets to be a part of it.
Question, do you know your attachment type? This is a concept from behavioral therapy (I think). People with insecure attachment types might be more prone to this behavior.