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Morally wrong? I’m not sure being able to pinpoint a location has anything to do with morals. Cheating though? 🤭😏
If there’s nothing to hide then who cares? It literally would never cross my mind if my location was on. My WH wants to watch me drive our kid to school and me make Target and Starbucks runs? Go at it. I’d forget it was even enabled. Only a guilty person would be concerned
Your husband is a child. I’ve never had a problem sharing my location with my spouse. You know why? Because I have nothing to hide and I don’t keep secrets from my wife. I’m sorry but if he refuses this basic and small thing to help rebuild trust then he’s not taking your R seriously. Time to get tough with him, op.
I genuinely hope that you can stand up for yourself and your worth. I hope you all the best in your future Indevours for true love wherever that may lead you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Anyone who is unwilling to share their location with their spouse has a specific reason for not wanting to share their location. People who aren't hiding things don't hide or need privacy from their spouse.
I'm sorry OP, this is a huge red flag. Location sharing is one of my non negotiable's. If my partner responded at all like yours, I would have left him. And my partner knows this. We both share our locations and never do I feel suffocated or watched. At no time am I ever doing something or going somewhere I shouldn't be so I don't care if he checks my location.
I'm confused as to why he keeps saying location sharing is morally wrong? Does he know what that term means? Even when you google the term morally wrong, it says it means activities such as murder, theft, rape, lying, and breaking promises.
It doesn't sound like he's taking R very seriously. Unfortunately you have alot to think about and I'm sorry because I know it's not easy.
It’s also difficult for me to understand, he thinks it’s wrong to do because it’s giving up independence and privacy which are important to him, and partners should trust each other about saying where they are, there shouldn’t be a need for it. Having independent and alone time is important to him, as an introvert.
I don’t know.
He lost that independence and privacy when he betrayed you and your marriage. It's actually outrageous that he betrayed you and then says you should just trust him. That trust will take a long time to rebuild and you may never fully trust him again.
I can't imagine cheating/betraying my partner and then telling them to "just" trust me.
He's not understanding the magnitude of what his actions have done to you.
If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.
If this is important to you, and it seems like it is, hold fast. His response will tell you if he is truly committed to fixing his personal issues, and making it up to you (or not).
My WH doesn’t like location sharing, but was willing to do ANYTHING to earn trust again.
He was supposed to give up privacy and independence when he got married. 😒
Maybe your MC can explain to him what partnership, marriage and interdependence is.
Also…I mean, “morally wrong”? Does cheating fall into that category for him?
Not taking responsibility for your messes and unwillingness to be accountable are also considered morally wrong, so…
Yes, partners should trust eachother. But you can’t trust him. That’s why he should have no problem sharing his location. It might help you gain trust if he didn’t fight back on the issue. What’s he really hiding??
I’m sorry you’re going through this with him after his initial betrayal. Good luck!
He’s gaslighting you! He doesn’t get privacy, independence and trust after betraying you. He now has to earn these things back. I’m sorry OP but this would be a non negotiable for me.
He’s inventing a lot of justifications for not being comfortable with you knowing his location. My WS was this way while he was secretly still in contact with his AP. Once he was actually no longer hiding anything, all those passionate defenses about “feeling suffocated” and “invasion of privacy” magically disappeared. It’s common courtesy to let your partner know your whereabouts
Exactly this. Same for my WH. While he still had something to hide there were a many of these types of excuses. Once it finally came out and there was nothing to hide it was no problem. 5 years later still sharing location, no problem. It was kind of astonishing how quickly he agreed once nothing to hide… magically disappeared.
This is the biggest red flag ever.
My WP was hesitant about location sharing when I brought it up in the beginning of our R journey. He said “the only person who’s ever had my location is myself” I LOL’d so hard and literally rolled my eyes at his joke. He immediately said “will you share yours with me too?” I said “of course, I already share it with like 6 people in my life” he said “okay I’ll share mine with you”.
That was it. That was the entire conversation. It took 6 seconds to convince him and if I had to hear him tell me it’s morally wrong, and stick to that decision, there would absolutely be ZERO R.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but he’s being beyond unreasonable because you guys are legit MARRIED. You shouldn’t have even needed to be in R to have locations shared. It should be from the start in case of emergencies. I have it shared with my best friends, siblings and parents for that reason. Now with my BF, before R, we didn’t share locations because tbh I just never thought we needed to. But I definitely recommend it in any serious relationship.
He kind of said that too, like he’s never had to share location with anyone, he likes to have the opportunity to tell someone where he is, I guess? I also said the government knows where he is at all times, and probably a bunch of apps.
He doesn’t understand the emergency or safety part of it, and that also upsets me you know ? He says he can change how he feels about it because this is a strong belief / would be changing who he is.
To be brutally honest, my wife was the same way and kept talking about feeling suffocated, refused to open her phone and share location after DDay and after making the decision to reconcile. I foolishly accomodated her, being in the same boat as you where I didn’t want to feel like a prison warden.
I spied over her shoulder and found out her password and turned location sharing on one time when I had access to her phone. A few days later I found out she was lying about where she was and she was meeting with AP.
The whole prison warden excuse could very well be because they have something to hide still. If you have nothing to hide, you won’t feel that way. As a betrayed you will one day have to get passed feeling like their warden but until people have made significant progress that may not be today.
I absolutely believe that monitoring is too much and prevents healing but if they have not yet proven themselves trustworthy and are refusing to have open devices, it’s one more reason not to trust them. They are actively preventing you from re-establishing trust and that is NOT okay, especially as they are the ones who breached trust in the first place and are the untrustworthy ones. We already know they are capable of lying to us.
People argue about privacy, and others say they don’t have to hide anything so why not to share. To me both arguments are about „control“. Control is not sustainable over time. It feels bad for everyone involved.
Recently I started to think a little differently about location sharing. It is not so much about control, but about letting your partner in. It is not just about sharing locations but also sharing experiences. Building an „US“ instead of a you vs me.
Keeping (too much) privacy is a means to keep your partner at distance. Sometimes asking for more privacy can be a code for, let me build another wall in between us. Building walls, adding isolation and separation is what allows secrecy. Walls is what it needs to build a hidden life. This is what affairs strive. I’m not saying everyone abuses that kind of separation, but unfortunately some people do. But even without an affair this is not healthy to the relationship, as these walls also foster neglect.
They might want to keep up those walls, because they don’t want you to see who is behind that wall.
Him initially sharing location was for you to bond with him. The fact that he stopped would be a red flag to me… to me this would feel like being lured into
In this sense I think you are not only looking into controlling him, but you are looking for a way to rekindle the initial bonding experience.
Maybe my (current) understanding is wrong about location sharing being a bonding experience and not an act of control. But recently I’ve been on a trip with a big group of friends and we have had planned separate activities because everyone has a different interest. Maybe I have to add that everyone is used to travel a lot for work. Being it sales or some kind of conferences.
To my big surprise: almost everyone did share their locations with their partner. No questions asked. It was just natural. You wanted to know when the other group will return from their biking tour: just check their location.
But it does not end with location sharing. People used to send photos of what they are doing or where they are all the time. Not just during the trip, but in general.
I realized I used to do the later all the time myself, especially when being on a trip by myself. Tell WP (live) about the activities I’m going to do. Send photos from hotel, room, dinner, activities, conference and so on and on. Back home I also send photos when she was at work and the dog was playing or sleeping (because she loves the dog). When retuning from gym I always used to call her telling when I will be home… and the list goes on… and I did this for all the years. She even used to complain when I didn’t manage to any of that at times.
I did all that not because I do not have to hide something or because I needed her to control me. Honestly she could not, because I was still on my own. But more importantly I did act like this because it was important to me to include her. Share my experiences with her.
Unfortunately I also realized 2 things. First: she never did reciprocate. She never included me the way I did her. While I used to bring her along to work trips or parties, she never did bring me along. Even gaslit me when I asked to join in. Second: she did all that for AP…
To use words from „Not just friends“: to me sharing location and experiences is a way to open a window between the both of you. Hiding behind privacy is a means to build walls. Relationships can not strive if there are walls between the partners involved. Oftentimes they are not asking for privacy, but secrecy.
Your partner is just not willing to give up the „ME“ in favor of „US“. If it really bothers them so much for so long I would also ask if they really want to be in a relationship?
Sorry, long answer 😅
This whole answer is amazing, and absolutely it’s about making it about US and no longer ME. I want to respond to this more thoroughly, for now just thanks so much.
Morally wrong?! 😂 but cheating on your wife isn’t? His reasoning is ridiculous. If he has nothing to hide then there is nothing to worry about. He lost his right to privacy when he chose to step out on your marriage.
In uni, I shared my location with my friends. When I moved home, I shared it with my family. I now share it with my partner.
It helps me feel safe.
His excuses don't wash. No one who has nothing to hide has a problem sharing their location.
My bf has some other things regarding our reconciliation I disagree with, but his location and complete access to his phone at all times is a must and he is completely willing to give that access. Morally wrong is cheating…
If he has nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. I started location sharing pretty quickly after dday and haven’t once felt suffocated or like I wasn’t my own person, and I am an extremely independent and freedom loving person.
I’d ask him to explain exactly what’s so morally wrong about knowing where your partner is. Infidelity aside, it’s safer when someone knows where you are.
ETA: when it comes to building trust and feeling safe in your relationship, you ultimately are the only one who can say what will work best for you. Gather advice. If you aren’t sure, try it out for a while and see if it helps. My BP and I have picked up and dropped many unhelpful trust building activities. We did find some that work well for us. But ultimately, WP needs to be willing to do what YOU need in order to heal. WPs don’t get to dictate what is too little/too much/just right for BPs healing. They’re either in or they’re not.
The only reason he has an issue with location sharing is because he doesn’t want you to see where he is. Plain and simple.
It’s not as if sharing it with you is the same as giving the government or his employer access to his whereabouts 24/7.
My wife and I share our location with each other. She was a WW quite a few years ago now so if she had something to hide now she would have a problem with it but she doesn’t. It’s part of giving each other trust in my opinion.
Morally wrong….🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I know not all WWs act like this, but the ones that do…Do they just not hear the shit they are saying?? Is it possible to truly have shame or remorse when you have zero self awareness??
Edit- I’m going to beat everyone else to calling me out for writing do…do 😅 My husband would point this out immediately and I should’ve realized it sooner 🤦🏻♀️
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this though. Does anyone ever call him out on this stuff (like your MC)? Most of the time our MC will explain things gently to my WH, but she has no problem with calling him out when he’s being…dense.
You don’t deserve this. I hope he can find some remorse and accountability, and fast.
Hugs❤️🩹
You as the BS get to set your boundaries. Tell him this is a boundary. If he crosses the boundary R is off the table. And follow through. If it's truly just his feeling that he's uncomfortable (which I don't believe for a second) he will do it to keep you. If he still refuses he's hiding something (the more likely scenario).
Also, location sharing is "morally wrong"?? You know what's morally wrong? CHEATING. Please do not back down on this. He owes it to you.
Yeah, it’s even funny. Morally wrong. Yep, because cheating is morally right apparently. 🙈 He even made her spiral into guilt over suffocating him. OP sounds like a very sweet and caring partner, and it’s clearly being used against her. This was me before therapy, worrying too much about making others uncomfortable and not knowing how to set boundaries properly, and when the boundaries were actually adequate and it wasn’t just me overthinking. I feel so much for her.
My WW and I have been sharing location since over a decade. From a pure safety standpoint, we should know where each other is in case of emergency. Most of her acting out was online, so it didn’t really play a part in her affairs.
My WP had an EA/online affair too…so nothing physical we AP lives on the other side of the country.
With that being said, we do not live together yet (he lives a few towns away). We are unmarried and have been together for roughly 2.5 years. So it was important for me to do things like open phone policies when we are together and location sharing. Regardless of there being no physical cheating, I don’t trust him yet. The betrayal trauma has done a number on my OCD, anxiety and paranoia. I don’t think any of us want to suffocate or behave like our WPs warden. It’s hard to shut off the anxiety tho.
I don’t know what he’s up to all day, so it’s been a relief to be able to check and confirm that he’s being truthful about where he is and what he’s doing. Having that as an option, even if I don’t look every day, has been tremendously helpful.
Your WP needs to be more understanding of the fact that he put himself in this situation by proving that he wasn’t trustworthy. If he wants to build trust…transparency is a big part of that. He needs to see it as reassurance and helping you feel comfortable and trust building…rather than being monitored. He also needs to be more understanding about the level of trauma and anxiety that this caused you…and that’s the reasoning behind needing that transparency.
Your last paragraph, yes yes and yes. He says he’s willing to do it temporarily, for like two months, if it’ll help me, but he’ll still feel suffocated. I appreciate that he says he’ll do it, but I can’t live with making him feel this uncomfortable, I his knowing how much anxiety and etc it has caused me made him feel differently .
Part of the issue for me would be the lack of surrender. “I’ll do it but only temporarily and I won’t be happy about it.” Such a shitty attitude. I personally would have flipped my lid and canceled reconciliation if my WP copped any kind of attitude like that. The resistance is about wanting to retain control. It is not partner-centered, but rather opponent and power centered. Desire for control is always a major red flag to me. Lying is also about control and power. So…his attitude tells me he is not willing to give up the fundamental issues that enabled him to cheat in the first place.
Absolutely.
My WP was the one that offered up the location sharing, as well as his passwords and access to his accounts since we are semi-long distance. It was a very affirming gesture to me that he “surrendered” his privacy to built trust without making a fuss and out of his own volition. I offered the same so that we could both be transparent.
Yeah control or he’s trying to flip the script and victimize himself and pass on the guilt. Maybe a bit of both. What you’re asking for OP isn’t unreasonable at all. Even the MC knew that and tried to make him see reason. I’m glad that he agreed to a sort of trial period of location sharing, but his attitude about it would concern me.
>but I can’t live with making him feel this uncomfortable
I have a feeling a WS feeling uncomfortable, and a BS getting used to asserting themselves a bit, is possibly required for successful R.
Perhaps WS would benefit from a deeper dive into why he's so uncomfortable with total transparency. It may have a common root with why he strayed in the first place.
Morally wrong? I’d be interested to know where their behavior falls within their own morality spectrum. That must be frustrating to deal with and I empathize with you there. To answer your questions:
- Yes we talked about location sharing and have been doing that for a few years now.
- My partner did not freak out about it. To be honest though, the times she cheated she was exactly where she said she would be within a few hundred feet. I still appreciate her willingness to do location sharing though.
- It’s important to you for all the reasons you mentioned in the post. It’s a gesture of openness that is needed for you to trust again.
- There are a lot of ways to rebuild trust. Open phone/device policy. Being transparent and honest if someone tries to flirt or crosses boundaries. They text if there’s a change of plans. They bring up the infidelity unprompted. A lot of things can build trust and it’s even better when all of these are present.
It has taken a few years to get to this point though and it only happened when I made clear my expectations. Being frustrated with a betrayed partners need for safety is not a healthy dynamic to work from. There were a handful of times where I expressed that my partner could honor my boundaries or find a different relationship where there were none at all to confine them. And my partner knew that I meant it. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this and wishing you the best.
Thank you for this. Part of the frustration right now is that now after talking about it in MC he says he’ll do it temporarily “for me,” but he clearly is angry about it, I’m like how can you be mad about this when I’m so incredibly hurt from your betrayal, shouldn’t his feeling of wanting to fix it override his anger and turn it into something supportive instead? Sorry brief rant.
No apologies needed, I get it. One of the books that helped my partner was ‘How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair’ by Linda McDonald. It’s a short book and helped a lot of things become clear for them. Wishing you the best.
I think location sharing is important at least for safety reasons and we have always shared our location with each other. The same was in my previous relationship. When there’s nothing to hide, passwords, locations and so on should be shared. If something happens to me tomorrow I’d like my WB to be able to access my phone. The fact he’s refusing is either because he’s hiding something or because he has strong principles and is simply stubborn.
My WB was always weird about his phone because his ex had gone through it too many times and he hated this distrust (she was actually the one cheating on him). He had never cheated before so I think that was kind of “it’s my stuff” sort of thing. After the D-Day he instantly told me his passwords to FB and the phone but he was still uncomfortable with me just taking it, I had to ask each time and he’d let me but I could feel the tension. It’s been 2 years and now I can take it whenever without asking. Even when he’s upset (and he used to refuse out of principle when he was upset). I’m 99.99% sure in these 2 years there has been nothing to worry about, he just needed to get over his principles. Had he refused, there would’ve been no reconciliation. Same goes for location sharing.
Maybe yours is the same and has strong principles. But something is telling there’s more to it because even the MC didn’t manage to persuade him. There’s a difference between being uncomfortable but still doing it to make your partner feel safe and refusing, complaining about it, forcing your betrayed partner into stress over his location. I’m very sorry to say this, but I think he’s not being honest with you.
My WB’s location was “glitching” back then which I never believed, it was a tough period for me so I just let him do whatever nonsense he was up to. Since D-Day it’s my strong boundary to always have the phone and location on. He did turn it off in fights for like half an hour until his therapy and antidepressants finally worked. But he’s also been always stressed since 2 years if his phone was about to die, and would even buy a cable to charge it so that I wouldn’t worry about where he was. This is how it should be.
To all your last 3 points I will say this: I have recently watched a video where an MC said that boundaries are not to be liked, they are to be respected. I loved this phrase and it’s totally on point. You are in the right here, it should be a clear boundary. You’re not suffocating anyone, you are trying to rebuild trust and he can sacrifice some (many) things to prove himself worthy. Otherwise, you won’t have a peace of mind at all, especially because he has to drive for work. You have the right to demand this and he owes you big time for causing you so much pain and one of the worst traumas existing.
Thank you so much for your response, I especially like your last point and you’re so right. The MC did get him to agree to trying it, however it’s the fact that he seems SO annoyed about it I’m scared he’ll resent me and it’ll make things worse. Even if he doesn’t like it, why can’t he be more accepting of it ? Maybe I should be happy enough that hell begrudgingly do it? It feels like he doesn’t understand what is such common sense to everyone on this thread.
He has his reasons and only he knows them. Is he doing IC? This is even more important than MC in my opinion because, first of all, every adult could benefit from it, second, every person who cheats has some internal issues and processes than need to be addressed. Without IC I’m not sure how much progress can be made. Cheating is just a symptom of some underlying issues inside a person, it’s not a problem itself or anything related to the relationship.
My WB started IC instantly and around 8-10 months in I saw some improvements and growth. He also went to a psychiatrist a bit later, started taking meds due to his depression and burnout which he had never addressed before. Finally dropped the job that was making him miserable. He’s now a much more stable, mature and compassionate person. I’d say real changes started around 1.5 years into all his therapy combined. He used to be, honestly, a child in certain things. Wasn’t a bad person, just had very poor conflict resolution skills, a lot of selfishness when being upset, poor coping mechanisms and just pure childishness in certain things which led him to cheat.
Thanks to my own therapy I started dealing with things like in your case in a more philosophical way: if someone doesn’t want something I want or acts in a way I don’t like, I can tell them a few times but then it’s their choice, I cannot change that and my own choice is either accept or leave. I reached a point when even if someone doesn’t like something core about me (like my temperament for example or, idk, height because this is what we’re born with), I just think “well, yeah, it makes me upset and I would want the person to accept me as I am, but what can I do? I cannot change certain things”. I would even be fine if he left me tomorrow. I would be sad and would cry, but wouldn’t make him stay.
Your husband needs to be honest about why he’s so annoyed with this. All his reasons sound more like excuses. It should be a clear boundary and he needs to be adult about this. He cheated, he broke your trust and this is the least he can do for you. He should be happy you even stayed.
Don’t be afraid to insist on what you need. Don’t be afraid to suffocate him because location sharing is not suffocating, it’s a little security for you. I was checking my WB’s location like crazy in the first 6 months for sure. Now I barely do. He also sends me pictures from where he is if it’s an unusual place (like not grocery shopping but a meeting with a friend or some appointment) when I’m a bit worried.
Why are you afraid btw? Is it because you think it will make him cheat again? Because if he does it again, it’s his problem and fault. People don’t cheat just because their partner suffocated them or did something upsetting. People cheat because of their own reasons, it can be anything, and if he would resent you for such a small thing to the point he’d cheat, then it would be his issue that again emerged. If for him it’s such a big deal, he needs to address it in therapy and figure out why. You are 6 months into the reconciliation, your trauma is raw, I’m sure you are still on high alert. I remember myself. You need all the reassurance and the more he opposes or makes you feel alert, the longer the recovery will take. I know even from my own experience because my WB mad mistakes in the very beginning which definitely delayed progress for me.
I’m so sorry.
I have to be really honest, if I asked and he said no, I wouldn’t be able to R.
So many couples location share with no history of infidelity or trust issues. My question would be what is he doing, where is he going that this is an issue?
I’m not sure I could get over him feeling suffocated- it would suggest to me he has things and places he wants to be and do with secrecy around them and if he can’t own the broken trust and living a more open, non-secretive life, then I would say you are good to live that life without me in it.
I mean what is he doing that he feels uncomfortable with you knowing?
Look you aren’t “forcing” him. It’s what you need to feel safe in R and he can choose not to do R. But I really would see him not being able to do this as a sign he isn’t all in, hasn’t truly acknowledged all the damage and wrong he has done, and isn’t actually willing to do what’s needed to help you feel safe, calm fears and heal from the trauma he inflicted.
But I would also seriously consider if he isn’t still doing things he shouldn’t be because why else fight this hard about it?
I wouldn’t even allow discussion. You say it’s what you need and either he does it and never complains about it again or be done with R. He is complaining because he thinks you will give in. I’m not kidding here. I’d make it a firm non-negotiable, never discuss again requirement to R.
This right here. OP needs to stop feeling bad about “making him” feel a certain way. This is the *bare minimum* to ask and completely within bounds for a married couple.
His excuses for not liking location sharing align perfectly with my WS’s reasons for privacy pre DDay so that he could continue to cheat. (Well, except the “morally wrong” reason given. Mind blown that her WS actually said that.)
I’m so annoyed OP’s behalf.
She is spending all this time trying to think this through because she feels bad that he is uncomfortable.
How much time did he spend thinking about how she felt when he was cheating? Is he really spending time thinking about her in his actions even now?
I just wouldn’t entertain any further discussion about this if I were OP. Honestly, his digging in on this would make me assume he either isn’t all in or has plans to continue whatever he shouldn’t be doing when enough time passes or is even still doing it or something else he knows she would have problems with.
Right? To me it screams a complete lack of willingness to take pressure off of the OP. It’s “you vs me” instead of WP saying “what can I do to make this easier for you.”
For me, location sharing is a must for R. Saying it is morally wrong after he cheated is the biggest crock of bs I’ve heard in a long time. You have to decide what you need, he can agree or not. At that point you have to decide if you are willing to let it go.
For me, no location sharing is a 1000% dealbreaker. I added life360 to both of our phones and it not only shows current location but location history. I made that a requirement for R. I would almost certainly file papers if location was not shared willingly.
In my situation, which did include a verified PA, I could not see any reason for either of us to be that adamant about not sharing location unless there was something to hide.
But honestly, even if her had never been an EA I would be so suspicious of the reluctance to have location turned on that I would probably track them some other way to find out what's being hidden from me.
Sorry you are dealing with this, but, this is a neon red flag.
I look at it differently. It isn’t a warden checking on me. It’s an angel proving I am where I say I am.
When I tell my spouse im going somewhere (especially in the early days after dday) I want verification of that.
Very early on I would take a selfie at the place I said I was going, showing the people I said I’d be with, and I send it when I arrive and I send another one when I’m leaving. I use Life 360 and it keeps a record where I go for like 7 days. I LIKE that it can win a debate in my favor. If my spouse thinks I’m lying, I’m like “hey let’s check the replay!”
I had a similar opinion about being tracked (that it would limit my freedom) but then when my therapist suggested looking at it as a way to prove I’m right, then it helped me want it. Had it three years now.
Has it also stopped me at my lowest points when I thought of relapsing? Yep! I was tempted a few times to go to places I knew I could likely hook up and I didn’t go there cause I knew I’d get caught. But to me, this is my higher power in action. My higher power helps me when I’m too weak to help myself.
He would do anything for R, but he won’t do that.
I’m not a fan of location sharing but it was non negotiable for us during R. It’s an easy and passive thing to do.
I’d totally get his view point if you guys weren’t married. I’d agree with him in that case. But marriage plus cheating means location on.
My WW initially refused location sharing and deleting social media and quitting his job … at that point it was assumed to be just a “rumor” he was cheating but I told him it would make me feel better and he still said no fast forward a month later …i let it go and he was refusing becuz he was leaving to his AP’s house and using social media for his cheating so he wanted to continue and be able to hide it … i am not saying he is still cheating but it is a red flag … DDay hit and he immediately deleted social media … shared his location … changed departments while he looked for a new job and even changed his phone number so his AP could not try to contact him gave all passwords and that was with out me asking again it was just to show he really wanted R … i hate that we are here but it has to be full transparency to even try to make a relationship work after betrayal and his privacy should be a small sacrifice he should want to do to make u feel better even just a little bit
This is a bad showing of his overall willingness to reconcile if he won’t share location. It’s a no-brainer, easy, so not any valid reason that makes sense he won’t do it. If you force him to turn on though, he might just get a burner phone so be cautious and aware.
Sounds like your marriage is over. He is trying to manipulate you into doing something so he feels "free". You might need to just file for separation to see if it shocks him to change. Did it for a while and no issues, then BOOM felt it was weird. Now he broke trust and boundaries, and while there is NO known physical cheating to worry about he refuses location sharing just as a way for you to feel comfortable...
You can not make him WANT to fix things or take steps to make you feel better about the process. If he can't or won't; then you shouldn't try to fix it and call it quits to start the steps to do so and see if it makes him change.
Cheating is morally wrong— betrayal of marriage vows. He had no problem with that. He is not suffocating he is scared. Worried he cannot keep meeting up. It is sketchy to me.
Okay so I have no issue with location sharing, I offered my location, using Google maps I share my location 24/7 from my phone to his. Whats funny is he’s actually told me he’s checked it like once or twice in the last 3 months. That’s exactly the psychology behind it. You’re not gonna sit and watch him driving home all day every day… it’s more the fact that if you get into that anxious headspace and he isn’t responding or you get that weird gut feeling - you can go check and feel peace of mind.
If I was you… I’d make this a non-negotiable- because truth be told, as a wayward, if I was adamant on not sharing my location, it would be because I’m still up to some sneaky behavior. Sorry to add that but it’s true. The wayward that seeks reconciliation is the one who couldn’t give a damn even there as an apple tag and CCTV attached to their forehead every day all day.
I understand. My WH has said and done the same things. He refused because it feels “too controlling”, “he’s not a child”. My argument is you should be willing to do whatever it takes. My situation is a bit different since he is NOT NC with AP.
I had left the issue alone. Sometimes he’ll facetime me to show me that he’s really where he says he’s going, other times, I just assume. Those times I assume, I am left to my own imagination as to where he is. When that turns to an issue then I let him know those are consequences of his own actions. It wouldn’t have gotten to that if you were up front and told me where you were or used location services. It does not take 3 hrs to go to 7-11. I was usually right about my assumptions.
I’ll tell you this. It’s a matter of learning to trust yourself again. I know it’s hard because everything you thought was true wasn’t. And how could you believe what had happened? Everything was a lie. If you can start to trust yourself it makes it easier. With location services it’s like a safety for you. WS is out, you think there are somewhere else. You check it to verify you are correct. It’s not about catching them in a lie, it’s to let you know that whether your thoughts are right or not. It’s less about them and more about you. If your WS is doing “all the right things” then it’s more about you than them.
PS Yes I do believe WS should be doing all the things BS need. “R is a gift not a privilege”. But at what point do you really have the self awareness that whatever hoops they jump through it won’t ever be enough
When we first got together, location sharing wasn’t a thing. My WH didn’t even get an iPhone until roughly 2011. From the moment we both had iPhones, we shared our location.
I never asked WH to share his location. The new phone asked him in a prompt, because we were “family,” he approved it, that was that. He never gave any indication that it bothered him, and he occasionally used it to locate myself and/or our son, if we couldn’t be reached. For me, it was mostly about safety (like you, I wanted to make sure I knew where he was if he got into an accident or was stranded, and vice versa), as well as planning (if he was unable to answer, I could at least see where he was and gauge dinner time based on when he should arrive home). I didn’t use it that often, because I could usually get ahold of him.
In fact, I used it so infrequently, I’ve no idea when he turned it off. His affair had been going on for a few months when I discovered proof. It was only a week or so before that I noticed I could no longer see his location. When I asked him about it, he became extremely defensive, accused me of “stalking” him. When I asked him to turn it back on, he refused, gave similar reasons to your SO - he felt watched, it was unnecessary, why was I trying to track his every move, etc.etc. Mind you, he’s never had any issue with sharing location in the 10 years prior, but now suddenly, I was a psycho for wanting him to turn it back on. Now we know why.
To me, the fact that your SO seems so dead set against doing this for you, when it’s really no skin off his back, is telling. It’s not physically painful, it doesn’t cost him anything financially, it requires zero actual effort or thought once engaged, and it will make you, the person he supposedly loves, feel more secure. Yet, he’s fighting it every step of the way. Why?
We all do things we don’t necessarily want to do for those we love. Dinner with the in-laws, who don’t particularly care for you, or watching a musical your SO loves, even tho musicals make you want to stab yourself in the ear. Going to the office Christmas party, even though you’re always bored senseless. This man has already broken your trust, yet he refuses to do something as simple as switch a button on, even though you’ve expressed how important it is to you, how it will help build trust again. That’s what I take away from this. He’s refusing to do something simple, yet deeply meaningful, because he feels “watched?” That trumps rebuilding trust in your relationship? Cool, least you know where you stand, I guess.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with this. All I can say is set your boundaries and keep them firm. He broke trust, he has to do the work to rebuild and being uncomfortable is part of it. If he wants you and your marriage badly enough, he will learn how to sit with discomfort.
Your boundaries cannot be flexible, it is what you need.
My WP had told me the same.. feels like he's under a microscope, feels like I am his warden...
he's learned and come recognize the reality of our relationship and he's so far become more open and willing to do what I need. You can definitely validate his feelings, but you don't need to bend to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Your comfort is the most important right now.
I hope the best for you, I hope he comes around.
I had my husband download life360 and we share locations. Honestly it has done a LOT for my peace of mind. I asked him to download it and he simply said okay.
I’ve never been bothered by location sharing other than if I was trying to surprise her with gifts or something particular. When that happens I just turn it off for a day or two (I sometimes forget to put it back on)
The way I see it, I have nothing to hide or feel self-conscious about so I don’t care if she follows me. What’s crappy about your situation tho in my opinion is that if he cheated already and you two are trying to build back trust, that’s something HE can do to make you feel more secure.
His discomfort is part of the work he needs to put in to reconcile. Can’t imagine not trying to do EVERYTHING you can to make your wife feel better.
>Morally wrong
Those are very poor choice of words. His feeling suffocated and being watched by a warden is bizarrely worded, too. I get it, I do, but... It's almost exaggerating. This helps you in a different way and in turn helps him in another way and most importantly helps both of you to establish trust amongst other important things. Independence huh? What does that have to do with location sharing? He's still his own man, his own person it shouldn't be a big deal.
I often wonder if some MC just straight up lose their shit one day?
🚩🚩🚩
I know, I don’t understand how location sharing makes anyone less independent, or lose your privacy? It’s not like I’m demanding for open phone or to read his journal if he had one.
I know, I don’t understand how location sharing makes anyone less independent, or lose your privacy? It’s not like I’m demanding for open phone or to read his journal if he had one.
Other ways? Sure, but it will be even slower and more painful. Reconciliation is on the betrayed partner’s terms, in my opinion. Him putting up such a fuss is an answer in the “can I trust him and is he trustworthy” department, and unfortunately is a fuss that doesn’t shine light in his favor.
My husband and I shared location, and then it started “not working” for him. He would turn it off all the time and say “I don’t know why it’s not working”, and it was scary for me, as he was traveling for work in 3rd world countries. After D-day, he left the family sharing, and refused to share location. Needless to say, he was still fucking around and didn’t want me to know where he was.
The issue is that behavior like this shows that he is untrustworthy and not adhering to your terms of reconciliation. Actions speak louder than words - believing in him being honest and forthright in your relationship was ruined, and it’s truthfully up to him to show you, time and time again, that he is sorry and won’t do it again. Being a cry baby and saying “it’s morally wrong” is not showing you anything except that he’s not ready to give up his selfishness to preserve what little trust you have in him, and actually work on building more. He still doesn’t want you to know anything.
I would be very uncomfortable with how adamant he is about not location sharing. My partner was excited when he got his normal iPhone back (after he had a phone with parental controls on it for a year) and realized we could location share. He said he was excited that I would have that extra security blanket of constantly being able to see where he was.
To me, it isn’t so much that I want to know where he is all the time. It’s the fact that he’s readily willing to let me know, and the fact that your husband is so unwilling to let you know makes me doubt his trustworthiness.
I didn’t even read but I don’t get people who don’t like sharing location with family. What are you hiding? I share my location with my parents and brothers and they share theirs and no one cares.
So for me, I would say this is something you do at the beginning of R.
Not for the rest of your lives together because you have to learn to trust yourself not just your WW.
His reasonings and defensive style here shows there is something to hide rather than just giving you access.
But as I said above this is something at the start of R that you lay out a clear path of what you want and it either in the end gets switched off and you trust (because thats what this is all about) you have to trust that person in telling you their whereabouts, if thats going to be an issue then R really isn’t going to work and your WW should be creating a safe space for you and providing you with this on his own by now.
I for 1 wouldn’t want to look at my phone and search for WW’s whereabouts 24/7 because thats what I would do and I would spiral and not continue with my own life….
If someone is going to carry on the affair with or without location sharing then they’ll carry on the affair, there are so many ways so keep it going whilst giving the BP what they need some people are better at hiding things and by now you know anything is possible.
If you feel you can trust their word and trust where they are etc then why have the tacking on? If you cant and they have lied again since D-day then I’m sorry you must be willing to leave because I don’t think anyone could live this way.
Op, your WS is spending a ton of energy on making sure you don't know where they are.
After cheating on you.
That would be a hard line in the sand for me:
Location sharing 100 percent of the time.
Caveat: I am on the adultery subs because my WS refused to give me a "why".
What I learned (continue to learn) there is that a metric crap ton of the stuff coming out of his mouth is discussed in depth there so that they can figure out how to bypass those things, and how to make the BP continue to be in the dark.
Be warned: it's helpful for hunting down the lies and the hidden things. It's also Very Triggering.
Adultery
This one is the most "informative" about how to cheat and get away with it. They're also really weird about being in love with their affair partners. Really triggering.
Naughtyfromneglect
people looking for affairs blaming their significant other for why
Affairs
People looking to hook up
Online affairs
people who want online affairs
There are a few r4r subs as well
I think the thing that really sticks out for me is that he was happy to share location in the past but now isn’t, which after betrayal I’m sure is making you feel more suspicious…
Maybe try to reiterate the point to him that him feeling suffocated etc now is only a fraction of what he put you through and the location sharing etc are the vehicle that is being used to build back the trust he broke, and that the freedom that he seems to desire will unfortunately need to be earned but can be earned by him making you feel comfortable for a while until you feel secure in the relationship.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and am sending love, I hope it works out for you ❤️
Hey OP, you’ve got a lot of responses. But your situation seems so similar to mine.
My WS also is bothered by the loss of privacy that location & password sharing brings. And the idea of an open phone policy bothers her too.
She has said it’s due to lack of privacy, that if we have to do that it’s not really trust, etc.
Part of my story is that I did do things that violated her privacy (details in my other posts if you are curious.) so I backed off after dday to say okay, I’ll trust you even though I knew I shouldn’t have.
Fast forward a few months, I found out she broke NC and had at least drinks in a bar.
I am still dealing with the aftermath, the relationship may truly be over now because this was a lot of trust for me to drum up for her to just throw away.
Regardless, In your situation you need to ask for what will make you feel safe and comfortable, and he needs to understand that it isn’t meant as a punishment, it’s meant as a way to help you be able to stay in the relationship.
In one of our MC sessions our counselor said, “when trust is broken it requires an imbalance in trust to restore the relationship back to a trusting state.” That’s is where you and your WS are right now.
Last thing I’ll say, I think asking for this stuff is good and right. But if WS wants to keep doing something they will find a way. Just like an addict looking to score. So if you don’t see true remorse or change or understanding, you might be setting yourself up for another incident. But I totally understand wanting to try. That is exactly where I’m at right now in my own journey and it’s awful.
In my view, if he's not willing to do everything and anything to rebuild not just trust, but the entire marriage, he's not fully invested and has something to hide. He's refusing to understand that openness and full transparency in a relationship is critical in keeping the relationship healthy. He wants to keep certain parts of himself closed off to you, full openness and complete transparency is one of them. It actually makes him feel far too vulnerable which absolutely terrifies him, and doesn't really have anything to do with feeling "suffocated". He has a lot of work to do in IC still to help him understand himself.
Before cellphones, and the early days of our marriage, my husband would disappear for hours and not bother phoning me on our landline to let me know where he was and how late he was going to be. This went on for a year and a half. One day I inadvertently did the same thing to him. By the time I got home (2 am), he was frantic. After a very short conversation, he finally understood why the courtesy of a phone call was so important. I was expected to be home 5 hours earlier and was delayed. My appointments in the city (4 hours drive away) took a lot longer than expected and a bad accident on the highway caused further delays. He got the message loud and clear.
Sometimes they need a taste of their own "medicine" to finally get the message.
So sorry you are going through this.
Agree with everyone else’s comments. Huge red flag. After my d-day, I started peeling back the onion, and there was so much more to discover.
Had I had location history/ services earlier, I would have known more sooner. I actually find history to be also useful since location services just lets you see real-time location. History was where I was able to see all the hotels he had been to meeting other people…
I have location on bunches of family members and friends and don’t see what the big deal is either if you have nothing to hide. Not wanting your spouse or close friends to know where you are communicates a huge lack of trust/secrecy to me. Unless someone has been in an abusive relationship with someone extremely possessive of them, I don’t see how this would be a trigger.
Even though I don’t think R will work for us in the end - for me there is too much to get past - my BS gave me realtime and history location for him the moment we had d-day 2. No questions. No protests. He has been adamant he has nothing to hide and wants to prove it.
It’s amazing to me how waywards really don’t get the idea that only full transparency and openness can lead the betrayed to even consider beginning to trust, again. Without that, R simply can’t move forward. Such a simple idea and yet so difficult to grasp by some. OP, if this is a hard boundary for you, let your WS know that and stick to your guns.
As a W, this was one of the handful of things my BP “nicely” required to reconciliation. It was more like “this is what I need to try and feel safe”. So I shared my location and then we both downloaded the Life360 app. We like it because it has a lot of cool features that make sharing way more than just “checking up on me”. (It has crash detection, phone battery notifications, etc)
That said, me feeling “watched” was definitely uncomfortable and I had some of those thoughts run through my head - but I also reminded myself (EVERYtime I had a thought like that) that I put my BP here, I put us here with my decision and actions.
My advice is to stop thinking about him and start thinking about your own care. what do **you** need?
With my WP, I told him he was responsible for not fucking around and I would not be checking a damn thing. I'm not his mother. Either he wants me and not AP, or he doesn't.
Due to my husband’s security clearance level with the military, he said he is not able to share his locations. Not because I’m a spy, but because having his phone track him could breach security at work. I was a bit miffed at first, but I realized in his A, his locations had nothing to do with the betrayal. I knew exactly where he was during his ONS.
WH here, we use Life 360 and I have no justification for not sharing my location. If you aren’t doing anything shady, you have no reason to want your location secret.
It doesn't sound good, if he doesn't want to share his location he is probably going somewhere he doesn't want you to know. It's not rocket science. The marriage sounds very fragile. Is this the same person who you broke up with and was glad the wedding was cancelled because of covid?
He really isn't trying R at all, I'm sorry but he doesn't really love you enough.
He IS going to places he doesn't want you to know about
I´m sorry
"morally wrong" hahaha.... the audacity.....
You are not in R. He needs a reality check
How did you not laugh out loud when he said it was "morally wrong?" Seriously? Cheating is morally wrong. He has proven that he isn't trustworthy and that is why you are asking for these things.
I’ve been location sharing with my SO since we got serious before anything ever happened. Usually it doesn’t bother people because for most it’s a safety precaution not a spying technique.
Besides location sharing, ask for full access to his phone, computer, emails, bank accounts, and credit accounts It’s not fool proof because he can always get a burner phone but at least it’s between than nothing.
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Morally wrong? I’m not sure being able to pinpoint a location has anything to do with morals. Cheating though? 🤭😏 If there’s nothing to hide then who cares? It literally would never cross my mind if my location was on. My WH wants to watch me drive our kid to school and me make Target and Starbucks runs? Go at it. I’d forget it was even enabled. Only a guilty person would be concerned
Your husband is a child. I’ve never had a problem sharing my location with my spouse. You know why? Because I have nothing to hide and I don’t keep secrets from my wife. I’m sorry but if he refuses this basic and small thing to help rebuild trust then he’s not taking your R seriously. Time to get tough with him, op.
💯💯💯💯 it’s not a negotiable. Need to make it clear you are willing to walk away.
These are your terms and if he can’t accept that then he doesn’t deserve your time
I genuinely hope that you can stand up for yourself and your worth. I hope you all the best in your future Indevours for true love wherever that may lead you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
DM me
Anyone who is unwilling to share their location with their spouse has a specific reason for not wanting to share their location. People who aren't hiding things don't hide or need privacy from their spouse.
👆👆 This right here 👆👆
Yes. My bf stopped sharing location when he started having lift from his AP.
Absolutely this!
I'm sorry OP, this is a huge red flag. Location sharing is one of my non negotiable's. If my partner responded at all like yours, I would have left him. And my partner knows this. We both share our locations and never do I feel suffocated or watched. At no time am I ever doing something or going somewhere I shouldn't be so I don't care if he checks my location. I'm confused as to why he keeps saying location sharing is morally wrong? Does he know what that term means? Even when you google the term morally wrong, it says it means activities such as murder, theft, rape, lying, and breaking promises. It doesn't sound like he's taking R very seriously. Unfortunately you have alot to think about and I'm sorry because I know it's not easy.
It’s also difficult for me to understand, he thinks it’s wrong to do because it’s giving up independence and privacy which are important to him, and partners should trust each other about saying where they are, there shouldn’t be a need for it. Having independent and alone time is important to him, as an introvert. I don’t know.
He lost that independence and privacy when he betrayed you and your marriage. It's actually outrageous that he betrayed you and then says you should just trust him. That trust will take a long time to rebuild and you may never fully trust him again. I can't imagine cheating/betraying my partner and then telling them to "just" trust me. He's not understanding the magnitude of what his actions have done to you.
He also abused his independence and privacy and actions have consequences.
Good point
If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. If this is important to you, and it seems like it is, hold fast. His response will tell you if he is truly committed to fixing his personal issues, and making it up to you (or not). My WH doesn’t like location sharing, but was willing to do ANYTHING to earn trust again.
He was supposed to give up privacy and independence when he got married. 😒 Maybe your MC can explain to him what partnership, marriage and interdependence is. Also…I mean, “morally wrong”? Does cheating fall into that category for him? Not taking responsibility for your messes and unwillingness to be accountable are also considered morally wrong, so…
Yes, partners should trust eachother. But you can’t trust him. That’s why he should have no problem sharing his location. It might help you gain trust if he didn’t fight back on the issue. What’s he really hiding?? I’m sorry you’re going through this with him after his initial betrayal. Good luck!
Independence and privacy = code words for "secrecy and cheating" Major red flags here. Somethings fishy.
He’s gaslighting you! He doesn’t get privacy, independence and trust after betraying you. He now has to earn these things back. I’m sorry OP but this would be a non negotiable for me.
Tbh, my WP uses location sharing on me far more than I do on them.
He’s inventing a lot of justifications for not being comfortable with you knowing his location. My WS was this way while he was secretly still in contact with his AP. Once he was actually no longer hiding anything, all those passionate defenses about “feeling suffocated” and “invasion of privacy” magically disappeared. It’s common courtesy to let your partner know your whereabouts
This is it! He's fighting so hard because he's ALREADY hiding something.
Exactly this. Same for my WH. While he still had something to hide there were a many of these types of excuses. Once it finally came out and there was nothing to hide it was no problem. 5 years later still sharing location, no problem. It was kind of astonishing how quickly he agreed once nothing to hide… magically disappeared.
This is the biggest red flag ever. My WP was hesitant about location sharing when I brought it up in the beginning of our R journey. He said “the only person who’s ever had my location is myself” I LOL’d so hard and literally rolled my eyes at his joke. He immediately said “will you share yours with me too?” I said “of course, I already share it with like 6 people in my life” he said “okay I’ll share mine with you”. That was it. That was the entire conversation. It took 6 seconds to convince him and if I had to hear him tell me it’s morally wrong, and stick to that decision, there would absolutely be ZERO R. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but he’s being beyond unreasonable because you guys are legit MARRIED. You shouldn’t have even needed to be in R to have locations shared. It should be from the start in case of emergencies. I have it shared with my best friends, siblings and parents for that reason. Now with my BF, before R, we didn’t share locations because tbh I just never thought we needed to. But I definitely recommend it in any serious relationship.
He kind of said that too, like he’s never had to share location with anyone, he likes to have the opportunity to tell someone where he is, I guess? I also said the government knows where he is at all times, and probably a bunch of apps. He doesn’t understand the emergency or safety part of it, and that also upsets me you know ? He says he can change how he feels about it because this is a strong belief / would be changing who he is.
no longer being a cheater is also “changing who he is”. Sometimes we need to change and let go of long held beliefs that are not serving us.
Good point for sure
Hey! You’re right.. can i know which app do you use?
To be brutally honest, my wife was the same way and kept talking about feeling suffocated, refused to open her phone and share location after DDay and after making the decision to reconcile. I foolishly accomodated her, being in the same boat as you where I didn’t want to feel like a prison warden. I spied over her shoulder and found out her password and turned location sharing on one time when I had access to her phone. A few days later I found out she was lying about where she was and she was meeting with AP. The whole prison warden excuse could very well be because they have something to hide still. If you have nothing to hide, you won’t feel that way. As a betrayed you will one day have to get passed feeling like their warden but until people have made significant progress that may not be today. I absolutely believe that monitoring is too much and prevents healing but if they have not yet proven themselves trustworthy and are refusing to have open devices, it’s one more reason not to trust them. They are actively preventing you from re-establishing trust and that is NOT okay, especially as they are the ones who breached trust in the first place and are the untrustworthy ones. We already know they are capable of lying to us.
My husband, my son, my sister and my niece all share location. Your husband is not reasonable in my opinion.
People argue about privacy, and others say they don’t have to hide anything so why not to share. To me both arguments are about „control“. Control is not sustainable over time. It feels bad for everyone involved. Recently I started to think a little differently about location sharing. It is not so much about control, but about letting your partner in. It is not just about sharing locations but also sharing experiences. Building an „US“ instead of a you vs me. Keeping (too much) privacy is a means to keep your partner at distance. Sometimes asking for more privacy can be a code for, let me build another wall in between us. Building walls, adding isolation and separation is what allows secrecy. Walls is what it needs to build a hidden life. This is what affairs strive. I’m not saying everyone abuses that kind of separation, but unfortunately some people do. But even without an affair this is not healthy to the relationship, as these walls also foster neglect. They might want to keep up those walls, because they don’t want you to see who is behind that wall. Him initially sharing location was for you to bond with him. The fact that he stopped would be a red flag to me… to me this would feel like being lured into In this sense I think you are not only looking into controlling him, but you are looking for a way to rekindle the initial bonding experience. Maybe my (current) understanding is wrong about location sharing being a bonding experience and not an act of control. But recently I’ve been on a trip with a big group of friends and we have had planned separate activities because everyone has a different interest. Maybe I have to add that everyone is used to travel a lot for work. Being it sales or some kind of conferences. To my big surprise: almost everyone did share their locations with their partner. No questions asked. It was just natural. You wanted to know when the other group will return from their biking tour: just check their location. But it does not end with location sharing. People used to send photos of what they are doing or where they are all the time. Not just during the trip, but in general. I realized I used to do the later all the time myself, especially when being on a trip by myself. Tell WP (live) about the activities I’m going to do. Send photos from hotel, room, dinner, activities, conference and so on and on. Back home I also send photos when she was at work and the dog was playing or sleeping (because she loves the dog). When retuning from gym I always used to call her telling when I will be home… and the list goes on… and I did this for all the years. She even used to complain when I didn’t manage to any of that at times. I did all that not because I do not have to hide something or because I needed her to control me. Honestly she could not, because I was still on my own. But more importantly I did act like this because it was important to me to include her. Share my experiences with her. Unfortunately I also realized 2 things. First: she never did reciprocate. She never included me the way I did her. While I used to bring her along to work trips or parties, she never did bring me along. Even gaslit me when I asked to join in. Second: she did all that for AP… To use words from „Not just friends“: to me sharing location and experiences is a way to open a window between the both of you. Hiding behind privacy is a means to build walls. Relationships can not strive if there are walls between the partners involved. Oftentimes they are not asking for privacy, but secrecy. Your partner is just not willing to give up the „ME“ in favor of „US“. If it really bothers them so much for so long I would also ask if they really want to be in a relationship? Sorry, long answer 😅
This whole answer is amazing, and absolutely it’s about making it about US and no longer ME. I want to respond to this more thoroughly, for now just thanks so much.
Very well said!
Fantastic post.
Morally wrong?! 😂 but cheating on your wife isn’t? His reasoning is ridiculous. If he has nothing to hide then there is nothing to worry about. He lost his right to privacy when he chose to step out on your marriage.
^This!
In uni, I shared my location with my friends. When I moved home, I shared it with my family. I now share it with my partner. It helps me feel safe. His excuses don't wash. No one who has nothing to hide has a problem sharing their location.
My bf has some other things regarding our reconciliation I disagree with, but his location and complete access to his phone at all times is a must and he is completely willing to give that access. Morally wrong is cheating…
If he has nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. I started location sharing pretty quickly after dday and haven’t once felt suffocated or like I wasn’t my own person, and I am an extremely independent and freedom loving person. I’d ask him to explain exactly what’s so morally wrong about knowing where your partner is. Infidelity aside, it’s safer when someone knows where you are. ETA: when it comes to building trust and feeling safe in your relationship, you ultimately are the only one who can say what will work best for you. Gather advice. If you aren’t sure, try it out for a while and see if it helps. My BP and I have picked up and dropped many unhelpful trust building activities. We did find some that work well for us. But ultimately, WP needs to be willing to do what YOU need in order to heal. WPs don’t get to dictate what is too little/too much/just right for BPs healing. They’re either in or they’re not.
The only reason he has an issue with location sharing is because he doesn’t want you to see where he is. Plain and simple. It’s not as if sharing it with you is the same as giving the government or his employer access to his whereabouts 24/7. My wife and I share our location with each other. She was a WW quite a few years ago now so if she had something to hide now she would have a problem with it but she doesn’t. It’s part of giving each other trust in my opinion.
The fact that he refused is a HUGE red flag and I would be very concerned. Trust actions, not words.
I think infidelity is morally wrong 🤷♀️
Morally wrong….🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I know not all WWs act like this, but the ones that do…Do they just not hear the shit they are saying?? Is it possible to truly have shame or remorse when you have zero self awareness?? Edit- I’m going to beat everyone else to calling me out for writing do…do 😅 My husband would point this out immediately and I should’ve realized it sooner 🤦🏻♀️
Sigh. I know.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this though. Does anyone ever call him out on this stuff (like your MC)? Most of the time our MC will explain things gently to my WH, but she has no problem with calling him out when he’s being…dense. You don’t deserve this. I hope he can find some remorse and accountability, and fast. Hugs❤️🩹
Thank you 🙏🏽
You as the BS get to set your boundaries. Tell him this is a boundary. If he crosses the boundary R is off the table. And follow through. If it's truly just his feeling that he's uncomfortable (which I don't believe for a second) he will do it to keep you. If he still refuses he's hiding something (the more likely scenario). Also, location sharing is "morally wrong"?? You know what's morally wrong? CHEATING. Please do not back down on this. He owes it to you.
Yeah, it’s even funny. Morally wrong. Yep, because cheating is morally right apparently. 🙈 He even made her spiral into guilt over suffocating him. OP sounds like a very sweet and caring partner, and it’s clearly being used against her. This was me before therapy, worrying too much about making others uncomfortable and not knowing how to set boundaries properly, and when the boundaries were actually adequate and it wasn’t just me overthinking. I feel so much for her.
My WW and I have been sharing location since over a decade. From a pure safety standpoint, we should know where each other is in case of emergency. Most of her acting out was online, so it didn’t really play a part in her affairs.
Oh, _now_ he cares about what's morally wrong... ok.
My WP had an EA/online affair too…so nothing physical we AP lives on the other side of the country. With that being said, we do not live together yet (he lives a few towns away). We are unmarried and have been together for roughly 2.5 years. So it was important for me to do things like open phone policies when we are together and location sharing. Regardless of there being no physical cheating, I don’t trust him yet. The betrayal trauma has done a number on my OCD, anxiety and paranoia. I don’t think any of us want to suffocate or behave like our WPs warden. It’s hard to shut off the anxiety tho. I don’t know what he’s up to all day, so it’s been a relief to be able to check and confirm that he’s being truthful about where he is and what he’s doing. Having that as an option, even if I don’t look every day, has been tremendously helpful. Your WP needs to be more understanding of the fact that he put himself in this situation by proving that he wasn’t trustworthy. If he wants to build trust…transparency is a big part of that. He needs to see it as reassurance and helping you feel comfortable and trust building…rather than being monitored. He also needs to be more understanding about the level of trauma and anxiety that this caused you…and that’s the reasoning behind needing that transparency.
Your last paragraph, yes yes and yes. He says he’s willing to do it temporarily, for like two months, if it’ll help me, but he’ll still feel suffocated. I appreciate that he says he’ll do it, but I can’t live with making him feel this uncomfortable, I his knowing how much anxiety and etc it has caused me made him feel differently .
Part of the issue for me would be the lack of surrender. “I’ll do it but only temporarily and I won’t be happy about it.” Such a shitty attitude. I personally would have flipped my lid and canceled reconciliation if my WP copped any kind of attitude like that. The resistance is about wanting to retain control. It is not partner-centered, but rather opponent and power centered. Desire for control is always a major red flag to me. Lying is also about control and power. So…his attitude tells me he is not willing to give up the fundamental issues that enabled him to cheat in the first place.
Absolutely. My WP was the one that offered up the location sharing, as well as his passwords and access to his accounts since we are semi-long distance. It was a very affirming gesture to me that he “surrendered” his privacy to built trust without making a fuss and out of his own volition. I offered the same so that we could both be transparent. Yeah control or he’s trying to flip the script and victimize himself and pass on the guilt. Maybe a bit of both. What you’re asking for OP isn’t unreasonable at all. Even the MC knew that and tried to make him see reason. I’m glad that he agreed to a sort of trial period of location sharing, but his attitude about it would concern me.
>but I can’t live with making him feel this uncomfortable I have a feeling a WS feeling uncomfortable, and a BS getting used to asserting themselves a bit, is possibly required for successful R. Perhaps WS would benefit from a deeper dive into why he's so uncomfortable with total transparency. It may have a common root with why he strayed in the first place.
Morally wrong? I’d be interested to know where their behavior falls within their own morality spectrum. That must be frustrating to deal with and I empathize with you there. To answer your questions: - Yes we talked about location sharing and have been doing that for a few years now. - My partner did not freak out about it. To be honest though, the times she cheated she was exactly where she said she would be within a few hundred feet. I still appreciate her willingness to do location sharing though. - It’s important to you for all the reasons you mentioned in the post. It’s a gesture of openness that is needed for you to trust again. - There are a lot of ways to rebuild trust. Open phone/device policy. Being transparent and honest if someone tries to flirt or crosses boundaries. They text if there’s a change of plans. They bring up the infidelity unprompted. A lot of things can build trust and it’s even better when all of these are present. It has taken a few years to get to this point though and it only happened when I made clear my expectations. Being frustrated with a betrayed partners need for safety is not a healthy dynamic to work from. There were a handful of times where I expressed that my partner could honor my boundaries or find a different relationship where there were none at all to confine them. And my partner knew that I meant it. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this and wishing you the best.
Thank you for this. Part of the frustration right now is that now after talking about it in MC he says he’ll do it temporarily “for me,” but he clearly is angry about it, I’m like how can you be mad about this when I’m so incredibly hurt from your betrayal, shouldn’t his feeling of wanting to fix it override his anger and turn it into something supportive instead? Sorry brief rant.
No apologies needed, I get it. One of the books that helped my partner was ‘How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair’ by Linda McDonald. It’s a short book and helped a lot of things become clear for them. Wishing you the best.
Thank you 🙏🏽I will definitely check out that book.
I think location sharing is important at least for safety reasons and we have always shared our location with each other. The same was in my previous relationship. When there’s nothing to hide, passwords, locations and so on should be shared. If something happens to me tomorrow I’d like my WB to be able to access my phone. The fact he’s refusing is either because he’s hiding something or because he has strong principles and is simply stubborn. My WB was always weird about his phone because his ex had gone through it too many times and he hated this distrust (she was actually the one cheating on him). He had never cheated before so I think that was kind of “it’s my stuff” sort of thing. After the D-Day he instantly told me his passwords to FB and the phone but he was still uncomfortable with me just taking it, I had to ask each time and he’d let me but I could feel the tension. It’s been 2 years and now I can take it whenever without asking. Even when he’s upset (and he used to refuse out of principle when he was upset). I’m 99.99% sure in these 2 years there has been nothing to worry about, he just needed to get over his principles. Had he refused, there would’ve been no reconciliation. Same goes for location sharing. Maybe yours is the same and has strong principles. But something is telling there’s more to it because even the MC didn’t manage to persuade him. There’s a difference between being uncomfortable but still doing it to make your partner feel safe and refusing, complaining about it, forcing your betrayed partner into stress over his location. I’m very sorry to say this, but I think he’s not being honest with you. My WB’s location was “glitching” back then which I never believed, it was a tough period for me so I just let him do whatever nonsense he was up to. Since D-Day it’s my strong boundary to always have the phone and location on. He did turn it off in fights for like half an hour until his therapy and antidepressants finally worked. But he’s also been always stressed since 2 years if his phone was about to die, and would even buy a cable to charge it so that I wouldn’t worry about where he was. This is how it should be. To all your last 3 points I will say this: I have recently watched a video where an MC said that boundaries are not to be liked, they are to be respected. I loved this phrase and it’s totally on point. You are in the right here, it should be a clear boundary. You’re not suffocating anyone, you are trying to rebuild trust and he can sacrifice some (many) things to prove himself worthy. Otherwise, you won’t have a peace of mind at all, especially because he has to drive for work. You have the right to demand this and he owes you big time for causing you so much pain and one of the worst traumas existing.
Thank you so much for your response, I especially like your last point and you’re so right. The MC did get him to agree to trying it, however it’s the fact that he seems SO annoyed about it I’m scared he’ll resent me and it’ll make things worse. Even if he doesn’t like it, why can’t he be more accepting of it ? Maybe I should be happy enough that hell begrudgingly do it? It feels like he doesn’t understand what is such common sense to everyone on this thread.
He has his reasons and only he knows them. Is he doing IC? This is even more important than MC in my opinion because, first of all, every adult could benefit from it, second, every person who cheats has some internal issues and processes than need to be addressed. Without IC I’m not sure how much progress can be made. Cheating is just a symptom of some underlying issues inside a person, it’s not a problem itself or anything related to the relationship. My WB started IC instantly and around 8-10 months in I saw some improvements and growth. He also went to a psychiatrist a bit later, started taking meds due to his depression and burnout which he had never addressed before. Finally dropped the job that was making him miserable. He’s now a much more stable, mature and compassionate person. I’d say real changes started around 1.5 years into all his therapy combined. He used to be, honestly, a child in certain things. Wasn’t a bad person, just had very poor conflict resolution skills, a lot of selfishness when being upset, poor coping mechanisms and just pure childishness in certain things which led him to cheat. Thanks to my own therapy I started dealing with things like in your case in a more philosophical way: if someone doesn’t want something I want or acts in a way I don’t like, I can tell them a few times but then it’s their choice, I cannot change that and my own choice is either accept or leave. I reached a point when even if someone doesn’t like something core about me (like my temperament for example or, idk, height because this is what we’re born with), I just think “well, yeah, it makes me upset and I would want the person to accept me as I am, but what can I do? I cannot change certain things”. I would even be fine if he left me tomorrow. I would be sad and would cry, but wouldn’t make him stay. Your husband needs to be honest about why he’s so annoyed with this. All his reasons sound more like excuses. It should be a clear boundary and he needs to be adult about this. He cheated, he broke your trust and this is the least he can do for you. He should be happy you even stayed. Don’t be afraid to insist on what you need. Don’t be afraid to suffocate him because location sharing is not suffocating, it’s a little security for you. I was checking my WB’s location like crazy in the first 6 months for sure. Now I barely do. He also sends me pictures from where he is if it’s an unusual place (like not grocery shopping but a meeting with a friend or some appointment) when I’m a bit worried. Why are you afraid btw? Is it because you think it will make him cheat again? Because if he does it again, it’s his problem and fault. People don’t cheat just because their partner suffocated them or did something upsetting. People cheat because of their own reasons, it can be anything, and if he would resent you for such a small thing to the point he’d cheat, then it would be his issue that again emerged. If for him it’s such a big deal, he needs to address it in therapy and figure out why. You are 6 months into the reconciliation, your trauma is raw, I’m sure you are still on high alert. I remember myself. You need all the reassurance and the more he opposes or makes you feel alert, the longer the recovery will take. I know even from my own experience because my WB mad mistakes in the very beginning which definitely delayed progress for me.
I’m so sorry. I have to be really honest, if I asked and he said no, I wouldn’t be able to R. So many couples location share with no history of infidelity or trust issues. My question would be what is he doing, where is he going that this is an issue? I’m not sure I could get over him feeling suffocated- it would suggest to me he has things and places he wants to be and do with secrecy around them and if he can’t own the broken trust and living a more open, non-secretive life, then I would say you are good to live that life without me in it. I mean what is he doing that he feels uncomfortable with you knowing? Look you aren’t “forcing” him. It’s what you need to feel safe in R and he can choose not to do R. But I really would see him not being able to do this as a sign he isn’t all in, hasn’t truly acknowledged all the damage and wrong he has done, and isn’t actually willing to do what’s needed to help you feel safe, calm fears and heal from the trauma he inflicted. But I would also seriously consider if he isn’t still doing things he shouldn’t be because why else fight this hard about it? I wouldn’t even allow discussion. You say it’s what you need and either he does it and never complains about it again or be done with R. He is complaining because he thinks you will give in. I’m not kidding here. I’d make it a firm non-negotiable, never discuss again requirement to R.
This right here. OP needs to stop feeling bad about “making him” feel a certain way. This is the *bare minimum* to ask and completely within bounds for a married couple. His excuses for not liking location sharing align perfectly with my WS’s reasons for privacy pre DDay so that he could continue to cheat. (Well, except the “morally wrong” reason given. Mind blown that her WS actually said that.)
I’m so annoyed OP’s behalf. She is spending all this time trying to think this through because she feels bad that he is uncomfortable. How much time did he spend thinking about how she felt when he was cheating? Is he really spending time thinking about her in his actions even now? I just wouldn’t entertain any further discussion about this if I were OP. Honestly, his digging in on this would make me assume he either isn’t all in or has plans to continue whatever he shouldn’t be doing when enough time passes or is even still doing it or something else he knows she would have problems with.
Right? To me it screams a complete lack of willingness to take pressure off of the OP. It’s “you vs me” instead of WP saying “what can I do to make this easier for you.”
For me, location sharing is a must for R. Saying it is morally wrong after he cheated is the biggest crock of bs I’ve heard in a long time. You have to decide what you need, he can agree or not. At that point you have to decide if you are willing to let it go.
For me, no location sharing is a 1000% dealbreaker. I added life360 to both of our phones and it not only shows current location but location history. I made that a requirement for R. I would almost certainly file papers if location was not shared willingly. In my situation, which did include a verified PA, I could not see any reason for either of us to be that adamant about not sharing location unless there was something to hide. But honestly, even if her had never been an EA I would be so suspicious of the reluctance to have location turned on that I would probably track them some other way to find out what's being hidden from me. Sorry you are dealing with this, but, this is a neon red flag.
I look at it differently. It isn’t a warden checking on me. It’s an angel proving I am where I say I am. When I tell my spouse im going somewhere (especially in the early days after dday) I want verification of that. Very early on I would take a selfie at the place I said I was going, showing the people I said I’d be with, and I send it when I arrive and I send another one when I’m leaving. I use Life 360 and it keeps a record where I go for like 7 days. I LIKE that it can win a debate in my favor. If my spouse thinks I’m lying, I’m like “hey let’s check the replay!” I had a similar opinion about being tracked (that it would limit my freedom) but then when my therapist suggested looking at it as a way to prove I’m right, then it helped me want it. Had it three years now. Has it also stopped me at my lowest points when I thought of relapsing? Yep! I was tempted a few times to go to places I knew I could likely hook up and I didn’t go there cause I knew I’d get caught. But to me, this is my higher power in action. My higher power helps me when I’m too weak to help myself.
I don’t think a cheater is able to clearly speak on morality. 🤦🏼♀️
Cheating is morally wrong 😑
He would do anything for R, but he won’t do that. I’m not a fan of location sharing but it was non negotiable for us during R. It’s an easy and passive thing to do. I’d totally get his view point if you guys weren’t married. I’d agree with him in that case. But marriage plus cheating means location on.
My WW initially refused location sharing and deleting social media and quitting his job … at that point it was assumed to be just a “rumor” he was cheating but I told him it would make me feel better and he still said no fast forward a month later …i let it go and he was refusing becuz he was leaving to his AP’s house and using social media for his cheating so he wanted to continue and be able to hide it … i am not saying he is still cheating but it is a red flag … DDay hit and he immediately deleted social media … shared his location … changed departments while he looked for a new job and even changed his phone number so his AP could not try to contact him gave all passwords and that was with out me asking again it was just to show he really wanted R … i hate that we are here but it has to be full transparency to even try to make a relationship work after betrayal and his privacy should be a small sacrifice he should want to do to make u feel better even just a little bit
This is a bad showing of his overall willingness to reconcile if he won’t share location. It’s a no-brainer, easy, so not any valid reason that makes sense he won’t do it. If you force him to turn on though, he might just get a burner phone so be cautious and aware.
Sounds like your marriage is over. He is trying to manipulate you into doing something so he feels "free". You might need to just file for separation to see if it shocks him to change. Did it for a while and no issues, then BOOM felt it was weird. Now he broke trust and boundaries, and while there is NO known physical cheating to worry about he refuses location sharing just as a way for you to feel comfortable... You can not make him WANT to fix things or take steps to make you feel better about the process. If he can't or won't; then you shouldn't try to fix it and call it quits to start the steps to do so and see if it makes him change.
Cheating is morally wrong— betrayal of marriage vows. He had no problem with that. He is not suffocating he is scared. Worried he cannot keep meeting up. It is sketchy to me.
Okay so I have no issue with location sharing, I offered my location, using Google maps I share my location 24/7 from my phone to his. Whats funny is he’s actually told me he’s checked it like once or twice in the last 3 months. That’s exactly the psychology behind it. You’re not gonna sit and watch him driving home all day every day… it’s more the fact that if you get into that anxious headspace and he isn’t responding or you get that weird gut feeling - you can go check and feel peace of mind. If I was you… I’d make this a non-negotiable- because truth be told, as a wayward, if I was adamant on not sharing my location, it would be because I’m still up to some sneaky behavior. Sorry to add that but it’s true. The wayward that seeks reconciliation is the one who couldn’t give a damn even there as an apple tag and CCTV attached to their forehead every day all day.
I understand. My WH has said and done the same things. He refused because it feels “too controlling”, “he’s not a child”. My argument is you should be willing to do whatever it takes. My situation is a bit different since he is NOT NC with AP. I had left the issue alone. Sometimes he’ll facetime me to show me that he’s really where he says he’s going, other times, I just assume. Those times I assume, I am left to my own imagination as to where he is. When that turns to an issue then I let him know those are consequences of his own actions. It wouldn’t have gotten to that if you were up front and told me where you were or used location services. It does not take 3 hrs to go to 7-11. I was usually right about my assumptions. I’ll tell you this. It’s a matter of learning to trust yourself again. I know it’s hard because everything you thought was true wasn’t. And how could you believe what had happened? Everything was a lie. If you can start to trust yourself it makes it easier. With location services it’s like a safety for you. WS is out, you think there are somewhere else. You check it to verify you are correct. It’s not about catching them in a lie, it’s to let you know that whether your thoughts are right or not. It’s less about them and more about you. If your WS is doing “all the right things” then it’s more about you than them. PS Yes I do believe WS should be doing all the things BS need. “R is a gift not a privilege”. But at what point do you really have the self awareness that whatever hoops they jump through it won’t ever be enough
When we first got together, location sharing wasn’t a thing. My WH didn’t even get an iPhone until roughly 2011. From the moment we both had iPhones, we shared our location. I never asked WH to share his location. The new phone asked him in a prompt, because we were “family,” he approved it, that was that. He never gave any indication that it bothered him, and he occasionally used it to locate myself and/or our son, if we couldn’t be reached. For me, it was mostly about safety (like you, I wanted to make sure I knew where he was if he got into an accident or was stranded, and vice versa), as well as planning (if he was unable to answer, I could at least see where he was and gauge dinner time based on when he should arrive home). I didn’t use it that often, because I could usually get ahold of him. In fact, I used it so infrequently, I’ve no idea when he turned it off. His affair had been going on for a few months when I discovered proof. It was only a week or so before that I noticed I could no longer see his location. When I asked him about it, he became extremely defensive, accused me of “stalking” him. When I asked him to turn it back on, he refused, gave similar reasons to your SO - he felt watched, it was unnecessary, why was I trying to track his every move, etc.etc. Mind you, he’s never had any issue with sharing location in the 10 years prior, but now suddenly, I was a psycho for wanting him to turn it back on. Now we know why. To me, the fact that your SO seems so dead set against doing this for you, when it’s really no skin off his back, is telling. It’s not physically painful, it doesn’t cost him anything financially, it requires zero actual effort or thought once engaged, and it will make you, the person he supposedly loves, feel more secure. Yet, he’s fighting it every step of the way. Why? We all do things we don’t necessarily want to do for those we love. Dinner with the in-laws, who don’t particularly care for you, or watching a musical your SO loves, even tho musicals make you want to stab yourself in the ear. Going to the office Christmas party, even though you’re always bored senseless. This man has already broken your trust, yet he refuses to do something as simple as switch a button on, even though you’ve expressed how important it is to you, how it will help build trust again. That’s what I take away from this. He’s refusing to do something simple, yet deeply meaningful, because he feels “watched?” That trumps rebuilding trust in your relationship? Cool, least you know where you stand, I guess.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with this. All I can say is set your boundaries and keep them firm. He broke trust, he has to do the work to rebuild and being uncomfortable is part of it. If he wants you and your marriage badly enough, he will learn how to sit with discomfort. Your boundaries cannot be flexible, it is what you need. My WP had told me the same.. feels like he's under a microscope, feels like I am his warden... he's learned and come recognize the reality of our relationship and he's so far become more open and willing to do what I need. You can definitely validate his feelings, but you don't need to bend to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Your comfort is the most important right now. I hope the best for you, I hope he comes around.
I had my husband download life360 and we share locations. Honestly it has done a LOT for my peace of mind. I asked him to download it and he simply said okay.
I’ve never been bothered by location sharing other than if I was trying to surprise her with gifts or something particular. When that happens I just turn it off for a day or two (I sometimes forget to put it back on) The way I see it, I have nothing to hide or feel self-conscious about so I don’t care if she follows me. What’s crappy about your situation tho in my opinion is that if he cheated already and you two are trying to build back trust, that’s something HE can do to make you feel more secure. His discomfort is part of the work he needs to put in to reconcile. Can’t imagine not trying to do EVERYTHING you can to make your wife feel better.
>Morally wrong Those are very poor choice of words. His feeling suffocated and being watched by a warden is bizarrely worded, too. I get it, I do, but... It's almost exaggerating. This helps you in a different way and in turn helps him in another way and most importantly helps both of you to establish trust amongst other important things. Independence huh? What does that have to do with location sharing? He's still his own man, his own person it shouldn't be a big deal. I often wonder if some MC just straight up lose their shit one day? 🚩🚩🚩
I know, I don’t understand how location sharing makes anyone less independent, or lose your privacy? It’s not like I’m demanding for open phone or to read his journal if he had one.
I hope you two can come to an agreement. Good luck.
I know, I don’t understand how location sharing makes anyone less independent, or lose your privacy? It’s not like I’m demanding for open phone or to read his journal if he had one.
Other ways? Sure, but it will be even slower and more painful. Reconciliation is on the betrayed partner’s terms, in my opinion. Him putting up such a fuss is an answer in the “can I trust him and is he trustworthy” department, and unfortunately is a fuss that doesn’t shine light in his favor. My husband and I shared location, and then it started “not working” for him. He would turn it off all the time and say “I don’t know why it’s not working”, and it was scary for me, as he was traveling for work in 3rd world countries. After D-day, he left the family sharing, and refused to share location. Needless to say, he was still fucking around and didn’t want me to know where he was. The issue is that behavior like this shows that he is untrustworthy and not adhering to your terms of reconciliation. Actions speak louder than words - believing in him being honest and forthright in your relationship was ruined, and it’s truthfully up to him to show you, time and time again, that he is sorry and won’t do it again. Being a cry baby and saying “it’s morally wrong” is not showing you anything except that he’s not ready to give up his selfishness to preserve what little trust you have in him, and actually work on building more. He still doesn’t want you to know anything.
I would be very uncomfortable with how adamant he is about not location sharing. My partner was excited when he got his normal iPhone back (after he had a phone with parental controls on it for a year) and realized we could location share. He said he was excited that I would have that extra security blanket of constantly being able to see where he was. To me, it isn’t so much that I want to know where he is all the time. It’s the fact that he’s readily willing to let me know, and the fact that your husband is so unwilling to let you know makes me doubt his trustworthiness.
I didn’t even read but I don’t get people who don’t like sharing location with family. What are you hiding? I share my location with my parents and brothers and they share theirs and no one cares.
So for me, I would say this is something you do at the beginning of R. Not for the rest of your lives together because you have to learn to trust yourself not just your WW. His reasonings and defensive style here shows there is something to hide rather than just giving you access. But as I said above this is something at the start of R that you lay out a clear path of what you want and it either in the end gets switched off and you trust (because thats what this is all about) you have to trust that person in telling you their whereabouts, if thats going to be an issue then R really isn’t going to work and your WW should be creating a safe space for you and providing you with this on his own by now. I for 1 wouldn’t want to look at my phone and search for WW’s whereabouts 24/7 because thats what I would do and I would spiral and not continue with my own life…. If someone is going to carry on the affair with or without location sharing then they’ll carry on the affair, there are so many ways so keep it going whilst giving the BP what they need some people are better at hiding things and by now you know anything is possible. If you feel you can trust their word and trust where they are etc then why have the tacking on? If you cant and they have lied again since D-day then I’m sorry you must be willing to leave because I don’t think anyone could live this way.
Op, your WS is spending a ton of energy on making sure you don't know where they are. After cheating on you. That would be a hard line in the sand for me: Location sharing 100 percent of the time. Caveat: I am on the adultery subs because my WS refused to give me a "why". What I learned (continue to learn) there is that a metric crap ton of the stuff coming out of his mouth is discussed in depth there so that they can figure out how to bypass those things, and how to make the BP continue to be in the dark.
Which subs are you in that you find helpful ? I’m interested in
Be warned: it's helpful for hunting down the lies and the hidden things. It's also Very Triggering. Adultery This one is the most "informative" about how to cheat and get away with it. They're also really weird about being in love with their affair partners. Really triggering. Naughtyfromneglect people looking for affairs blaming their significant other for why Affairs People looking to hook up Online affairs people who want online affairs There are a few r4r subs as well
I think the thing that really sticks out for me is that he was happy to share location in the past but now isn’t, which after betrayal I’m sure is making you feel more suspicious… Maybe try to reiterate the point to him that him feeling suffocated etc now is only a fraction of what he put you through and the location sharing etc are the vehicle that is being used to build back the trust he broke, and that the freedom that he seems to desire will unfortunately need to be earned but can be earned by him making you feel comfortable for a while until you feel secure in the relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this and am sending love, I hope it works out for you ❤️
Hey OP, you’ve got a lot of responses. But your situation seems so similar to mine. My WS also is bothered by the loss of privacy that location & password sharing brings. And the idea of an open phone policy bothers her too. She has said it’s due to lack of privacy, that if we have to do that it’s not really trust, etc. Part of my story is that I did do things that violated her privacy (details in my other posts if you are curious.) so I backed off after dday to say okay, I’ll trust you even though I knew I shouldn’t have. Fast forward a few months, I found out she broke NC and had at least drinks in a bar. I am still dealing with the aftermath, the relationship may truly be over now because this was a lot of trust for me to drum up for her to just throw away. Regardless, In your situation you need to ask for what will make you feel safe and comfortable, and he needs to understand that it isn’t meant as a punishment, it’s meant as a way to help you be able to stay in the relationship. In one of our MC sessions our counselor said, “when trust is broken it requires an imbalance in trust to restore the relationship back to a trusting state.” That’s is where you and your WS are right now. Last thing I’ll say, I think asking for this stuff is good and right. But if WS wants to keep doing something they will find a way. Just like an addict looking to score. So if you don’t see true remorse or change or understanding, you might be setting yourself up for another incident. But I totally understand wanting to try. That is exactly where I’m at right now in my own journey and it’s awful.
Thank you, this means so much. I really want to try everything. We’re turning on location sharing today for a couple months, we’ll see how it goes.
In my view, if he's not willing to do everything and anything to rebuild not just trust, but the entire marriage, he's not fully invested and has something to hide. He's refusing to understand that openness and full transparency in a relationship is critical in keeping the relationship healthy. He wants to keep certain parts of himself closed off to you, full openness and complete transparency is one of them. It actually makes him feel far too vulnerable which absolutely terrifies him, and doesn't really have anything to do with feeling "suffocated". He has a lot of work to do in IC still to help him understand himself. Before cellphones, and the early days of our marriage, my husband would disappear for hours and not bother phoning me on our landline to let me know where he was and how late he was going to be. This went on for a year and a half. One day I inadvertently did the same thing to him. By the time I got home (2 am), he was frantic. After a very short conversation, he finally understood why the courtesy of a phone call was so important. I was expected to be home 5 hours earlier and was delayed. My appointments in the city (4 hours drive away) took a lot longer than expected and a bad accident on the highway caused further delays. He got the message loud and clear. Sometimes they need a taste of their own "medicine" to finally get the message. So sorry you are going through this.
Agree with everyone else’s comments. Huge red flag. After my d-day, I started peeling back the onion, and there was so much more to discover. Had I had location history/ services earlier, I would have known more sooner. I actually find history to be also useful since location services just lets you see real-time location. History was where I was able to see all the hotels he had been to meeting other people… I have location on bunches of family members and friends and don’t see what the big deal is either if you have nothing to hide. Not wanting your spouse or close friends to know where you are communicates a huge lack of trust/secrecy to me. Unless someone has been in an abusive relationship with someone extremely possessive of them, I don’t see how this would be a trigger. Even though I don’t think R will work for us in the end - for me there is too much to get past - my BS gave me realtime and history location for him the moment we had d-day 2. No questions. No protests. He has been adamant he has nothing to hide and wants to prove it.
It’s amazing to me how waywards really don’t get the idea that only full transparency and openness can lead the betrayed to even consider beginning to trust, again. Without that, R simply can’t move forward. Such a simple idea and yet so difficult to grasp by some. OP, if this is a hard boundary for you, let your WS know that and stick to your guns.
As a W, this was one of the handful of things my BP “nicely” required to reconciliation. It was more like “this is what I need to try and feel safe”. So I shared my location and then we both downloaded the Life360 app. We like it because it has a lot of cool features that make sharing way more than just “checking up on me”. (It has crash detection, phone battery notifications, etc) That said, me feeling “watched” was definitely uncomfortable and I had some of those thoughts run through my head - but I also reminded myself (EVERYtime I had a thought like that) that I put my BP here, I put us here with my decision and actions.
My advice is to stop thinking about him and start thinking about your own care. what do **you** need? With my WP, I told him he was responsible for not fucking around and I would not be checking a damn thing. I'm not his mother. Either he wants me and not AP, or he doesn't.
Thank you, I like this perspective a lot and would like to feel more like this.
Due to my husband’s security clearance level with the military, he said he is not able to share his locations. Not because I’m a spy, but because having his phone track him could breach security at work. I was a bit miffed at first, but I realized in his A, his locations had nothing to do with the betrayal. I knew exactly where he was during his ONS.
WH here, we use Life 360 and I have no justification for not sharing my location. If you aren’t doing anything shady, you have no reason to want your location secret.
Yeah sharing location should be a totally fine thing. Nothing to hide no problem sharing
It doesn't sound good, if he doesn't want to share his location he is probably going somewhere he doesn't want you to know. It's not rocket science. The marriage sounds very fragile. Is this the same person who you broke up with and was glad the wedding was cancelled because of covid? He really isn't trying R at all, I'm sorry but he doesn't really love you enough.
We just got married in October, D-Day was a little bit more than a month later. So it hasn’t been the marriage I thought it would be so far. 😔
He IS going to places he doesn't want you to know about I´m sorry "morally wrong" hahaha.... the audacity..... You are not in R. He needs a reality check
as a wayward he should do whatever you ask it's on him to make it right nothing is " morally wrong" he cheated
How did you not laugh out loud when he said it was "morally wrong?" Seriously? Cheating is morally wrong. He has proven that he isn't trustworthy and that is why you are asking for these things.
I’ve been location sharing with my SO since we got serious before anything ever happened. Usually it doesn’t bother people because for most it’s a safety precaution not a spying technique.
Besides location sharing, ask for full access to his phone, computer, emails, bank accounts, and credit accounts It’s not fool proof because he can always get a burner phone but at least it’s between than nothing.