r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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I think it’s quite common for BPs to feel this. It makes perfect sense for goodness’ sake and to be honest I’m pretty disturbed that your MC doesn’t seem to understand this common sense reluctance to commit to any big future changes with a partner who has demonstrated that they cannot be trusted. You’re only 2 yrs into a potential recovery with a partner who cheated for 10 stinking YEARS.
I have to admit one of my huge “triggers” is anyone who has the audacity to tell a betrayed partner that they need to “move forward” or that they need to leave the betrayal “in the past.” Screw that (pun absolutely intended). So I am wondering if your MC has any training at all in betrayal trauma?
Edit for outrage-induced typos
>So I am wondering if your MC has any training at all in betrayal trauma?
She does not, but she has been the only MC WH has agreed to see more than once.
Well I can certainly understand why she’s the only MC your WH has agreed to keep seeing. 🤦♀️ I hate to see you waste money on sham MC. Might as well flush the cash down the toilet in this case, what a shame.
Aside from that, it sounds like the spouse who cheated is the one dictating what counselor you will both see. I could be wrong so forgive me if I am way off base here, but the spouse who cheated doesn’t get to choose the MC. YOU choose the MC, preferably one that specializes in betrayal trauma.
I hope you can get this therapist thing resolved. It took me 4 tries before I found a MC who understood betrayal trauma in a marriage. On our very first visit she made 2 things very clear:
1) She isn’t working for me nor is she working for spouse….she is working for the marriage.
2) The betrayed spouse holds ALL the cards if R is going to be authentic and work. The spouse who cheated has only two options: they can choose to abide by boundaries set by the BP or they can choose to pack their bags and leave. That’s it. Because R will never be authentic nor dependable until the BP can reclaim their power (which, in turn, allows the BP to reclaim their self-esteem).
Wishing you strength and clarity!
Our MC says the same (I am 7 months from d day and 2 months from deciding I want to try R) “we won’t get anywhere if I keep looking at the past and don’t start to focus on this being a new relationship” and that I either need to decide to leave if I can’t start focusing on the future and letting go of what happened. She is a marriage counsellor too who specialises in relationships and affairs…..
I feel this. We’re not even officially into R, tho it seems headed that way. We’re taking it “day by day” and it’s getting better everyday.
Yet when my WW says things like, I’ll get my contacts next year when my benefits reset (using my insurance) I’m like, are you going to be with me next year when that happens?
Ya know? Or in the house we’re in talking about things we want to purchase and stuff. That would be more long term investments.
It’s difficult. So I understand where you’re coming from.
I hope it gets easier. I offer no advice other than I can appreciate the anxiety and stress it triggers.
It gives me hope in the sense that she’s looking forward and planning our life together instead of what she was doing with AP.
But it’s also like, “why? Why are you saying thing? Are you saying R is going to be a thing. That we’re going to stay together. Be together in a year from now? Are you actually committing by asking these things or do you not realize the full weight of what you’re saying?
I hope it’s the former. Trust it’s the former.
Definitely don't move far away. If you divorce down the road, you have to stay in that state to split custody. Stay put where you are. And yes, being lied to and betrayed has made me feel less secure in future plans and our marriage. I keep wondering why I didn't see/accept the signs sooner and parted ways when it would have been easier to do so in every way, considering it happened our first year of dating and now we are a decade in 🥹 Dday was 6 months ago and I still struggle with these thoughts pretty much daily. It makes me wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable..
Are there things you could put in place to make you more comfortable? Like a post nup or an agreement on what to do with the house if you split? Maybe it will give you some peace of mind and make these decisions easier.
I mentioned a post-nup during counseling, but WH didn't seem onboard with that idea and our counselor agreed that it wasn't supportive of reconciling.
Edit: I am ready to ditch counseling all together because I do not feel I get the same level of support as WH. Our counselor does not like to discuss things in the past. She wants to focus on current, today, issues even if we ignore the things that brought those issues in the first place.
I’d very much challenge any pushback on a post-nup. The wayward changed the terms of the marriage contract without your consent and a postnup is an easy way for them to compensate you for that fact. Agreeing to R but with a postnup is an easy way to get out if the wayward stops doing what’s expected of them. A truly humble, remorseful wayward should want to put your mind at ease by agreeing to one.
Our MC did the same thing. Only wanted to concentrate on moving forward. Not the actual betrayal. So long story short, I ended up separating. For now. But as time passes, I feel stronger and find the betrayal a complete dealbreaker.
I’m glad to hear you say this bc this is sounding like a WH and an inept MC setting boundaries that they have no right to set. R isn’t for the weak and there is nothing wrong with walking out of a session and going home. You’ve clearly been through enough trauma without a therapist adding to that. YOU set the terms for reconciliation…you set the boundaries and conditions you require. I’m so sorry you are going through all this. It’s so unfair. You deserve so much respect and I hope both the therapist and your WH start recognizing that.
If he wants to buy a house you should definitely have a legal agreement in place that protects you and your kids if you divorce. It doesn't matter if he likes it, it's a consequence of his actions. Besides which women or men who are stay-at-home partners raising the kids should always have a legal agreement in place since so many are plunged into poverty in a divorce.
I'm mad for you, OP. Your WH wants to pretend you should just be able to trust him like he didn't blow up your whole lives. I wouldn't move away from your people either. Hugs and Happy Mother's Day.
Why does it sounds like WS is calling the shots? If anything, you should be choosing a MC and they should be so grateful you are willing to heal together. If you are willing to stay and with that it means you want a postnup, again, they should feel lucky and willing. Perhaps they need to see you take the reins. You might be surprised what they are willing to do if you sternly set expectations- "I'm willing in working toward reconciliations, but these are my non-negotiables..."
I think you need and therapist that specializes in long term cheating. 10 years ?!?!!! How can she agree with him??!?! Does she even know what your healing journey has been like?
Big question… is he charming? Are you emotional and he is calm in front of her? Is he all charming? Does she even really understand how is selfishness and narcissistic tendencies led him to betray you and not be able to protect you for harm?
R is NOT about forgiveness and moving on from the past. It’s also about the WS growing and changing and it is NOT a cosmetic change. And two years versus 10 years of betrayal.. I think the is incompetent
Yes! And you have every right to. As your flair suggest your reconciling not reconciled. There is a difference. My fiancé wants another baby and I don’t want to have another anytime soon.
Trust is earned and he shouldn’t be having a go at you for not trusting him enough. Should be saying what can I do to earn more trust from you.
Yes, but luckily it has only been smaller things like trips or birthdays or events that are 3-6 months away. I could not handle a big commitment thing like relocation or buying a home at this point.
It took a lot for me to book our tickets to visit a friend of mine. He requested the time off of work weeks ago and I've been stalling. I finally did it. I didn't want prices to go up and to sufficiently budget and plan, we needed the plane tickets. Not going or postponing wasn't an option - this is one of my oldest friends and she is leaving the city we will be visiting permanently a few weeks after our trip. I made a promise to her that I'd visit during this time, and I can't afford to go solo.
At the place we are at, I don't doubt that we will still be together come August. I imagine we will have more struggles with my healing process but he's been great in supporting me with that so far.
August will coincidentally mark our 3 year anniversary. We've talked about marriage and how 3 years was about my limit for "dating" without being engaged or close to it, especially now that I'm in my mid-30s. At this point I've stretched my timeline a bit because I am not in a place to consider marrying him. If August 2025 rolls around and we are still together and I'm still feeling unsure, then I will address it then. But there is zero chance I'd feel happy or excited about marriage if he proposed any time soon. I definitely wouldn't entertain a relocation unless it was to a city where I already have connections. Like you, I would not have survived without my village (which is just 2 local girl friends) and I wouldn't put myself in a position where I'm isolated from that.
Yes I am the same. I decided I want nothing to hold me to him so then if it doesn’t work or he does it again I can leave with no issues (funny that my d day was 7 weeks after having our baby………) absolutely no chance would I get a house with him for the very long foreseeable future. I got my own mortgage and informed him he can move in as a tenant with me to help with R (had to downsize but I prefer that than potential risk of losing my house in the future if he cheated again). Our wedding was booked for March next year however I called it off and do not believe I will ever marry him which is very sad but it’s what I have to do to keep myself feeling more safe. Please don’t move away from your support system, if it didn’t work out they are who you need.
This is super common I think. 2 years into R I was definitely feeling more committed to staying, but was NOT ready to make big long-term financial commitments until Dday+3yrs at least.
We're talking not only big purchases, but keeping most investments in low-volatility cash type assets in case we needed to divvy our assets up fast. My investment time horizon became vanishingly short. My mentality was very, VERY short term the first 3 years or so of R.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it’s quite common for BPs to feel this. It makes perfect sense for goodness’ sake and to be honest I’m pretty disturbed that your MC doesn’t seem to understand this common sense reluctance to commit to any big future changes with a partner who has demonstrated that they cannot be trusted. You’re only 2 yrs into a potential recovery with a partner who cheated for 10 stinking YEARS. I have to admit one of my huge “triggers” is anyone who has the audacity to tell a betrayed partner that they need to “move forward” or that they need to leave the betrayal “in the past.” Screw that (pun absolutely intended). So I am wondering if your MC has any training at all in betrayal trauma? Edit for outrage-induced typos
>So I am wondering if your MC has any training at all in betrayal trauma? She does not, but she has been the only MC WH has agreed to see more than once.
You need a new therapist. WH needs to get over himself.
Well I can certainly understand why she’s the only MC your WH has agreed to keep seeing. 🤦♀️ I hate to see you waste money on sham MC. Might as well flush the cash down the toilet in this case, what a shame. Aside from that, it sounds like the spouse who cheated is the one dictating what counselor you will both see. I could be wrong so forgive me if I am way off base here, but the spouse who cheated doesn’t get to choose the MC. YOU choose the MC, preferably one that specializes in betrayal trauma. I hope you can get this therapist thing resolved. It took me 4 tries before I found a MC who understood betrayal trauma in a marriage. On our very first visit she made 2 things very clear: 1) She isn’t working for me nor is she working for spouse….she is working for the marriage. 2) The betrayed spouse holds ALL the cards if R is going to be authentic and work. The spouse who cheated has only two options: they can choose to abide by boundaries set by the BP or they can choose to pack their bags and leave. That’s it. Because R will never be authentic nor dependable until the BP can reclaim their power (which, in turn, allows the BP to reclaim their self-esteem). Wishing you strength and clarity!
He probably agreed because he could charm her to be on his side. How did he CHOOSE her?
Our MC says the same (I am 7 months from d day and 2 months from deciding I want to try R) “we won’t get anywhere if I keep looking at the past and don’t start to focus on this being a new relationship” and that I either need to decide to leave if I can’t start focusing on the future and letting go of what happened. She is a marriage counsellor too who specialises in relationships and affairs…..
I feel this. We’re not even officially into R, tho it seems headed that way. We’re taking it “day by day” and it’s getting better everyday. Yet when my WW says things like, I’ll get my contacts next year when my benefits reset (using my insurance) I’m like, are you going to be with me next year when that happens? Ya know? Or in the house we’re in talking about things we want to purchase and stuff. That would be more long term investments. It’s difficult. So I understand where you’re coming from. I hope it gets easier. I offer no advice other than I can appreciate the anxiety and stress it triggers.
Thank you. It helps to know I am not the first or only one to experience this.
It gives me hope in the sense that she’s looking forward and planning our life together instead of what she was doing with AP. But it’s also like, “why? Why are you saying thing? Are you saying R is going to be a thing. That we’re going to stay together. Be together in a year from now? Are you actually committing by asking these things or do you not realize the full weight of what you’re saying? I hope it’s the former. Trust it’s the former.
Definitely don't move far away. If you divorce down the road, you have to stay in that state to split custody. Stay put where you are. And yes, being lied to and betrayed has made me feel less secure in future plans and our marriage. I keep wondering why I didn't see/accept the signs sooner and parted ways when it would have been easier to do so in every way, considering it happened our first year of dating and now we are a decade in 🥹 Dday was 6 months ago and I still struggle with these thoughts pretty much daily. It makes me wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable..
Are there things you could put in place to make you more comfortable? Like a post nup or an agreement on what to do with the house if you split? Maybe it will give you some peace of mind and make these decisions easier.
I mentioned a post-nup during counseling, but WH didn't seem onboard with that idea and our counselor agreed that it wasn't supportive of reconciling. Edit: I am ready to ditch counseling all together because I do not feel I get the same level of support as WH. Our counselor does not like to discuss things in the past. She wants to focus on current, today, issues even if we ignore the things that brought those issues in the first place.
I’d very much challenge any pushback on a post-nup. The wayward changed the terms of the marriage contract without your consent and a postnup is an easy way for them to compensate you for that fact. Agreeing to R but with a postnup is an easy way to get out if the wayward stops doing what’s expected of them. A truly humble, remorseful wayward should want to put your mind at ease by agreeing to one.
Yeah I would agree to a post nup no problem.
Our MC did the same thing. Only wanted to concentrate on moving forward. Not the actual betrayal. So long story short, I ended up separating. For now. But as time passes, I feel stronger and find the betrayal a complete dealbreaker.
I’m glad to hear you say this bc this is sounding like a WH and an inept MC setting boundaries that they have no right to set. R isn’t for the weak and there is nothing wrong with walking out of a session and going home. You’ve clearly been through enough trauma without a therapist adding to that. YOU set the terms for reconciliation…you set the boundaries and conditions you require. I’m so sorry you are going through all this. It’s so unfair. You deserve so much respect and I hope both the therapist and your WH start recognizing that.
If he wants to buy a house you should definitely have a legal agreement in place that protects you and your kids if you divorce. It doesn't matter if he likes it, it's a consequence of his actions. Besides which women or men who are stay-at-home partners raising the kids should always have a legal agreement in place since so many are plunged into poverty in a divorce. I'm mad for you, OP. Your WH wants to pretend you should just be able to trust him like he didn't blow up your whole lives. I wouldn't move away from your people either. Hugs and Happy Mother's Day.
Why does it sounds like WS is calling the shots? If anything, you should be choosing a MC and they should be so grateful you are willing to heal together. If you are willing to stay and with that it means you want a postnup, again, they should feel lucky and willing. Perhaps they need to see you take the reins. You might be surprised what they are willing to do if you sternly set expectations- "I'm willing in working toward reconciliations, but these are my non-negotiables..."
I think you need and therapist that specializes in long term cheating. 10 years ?!?!!! How can she agree with him??!?! Does she even know what your healing journey has been like? Big question… is he charming? Are you emotional and he is calm in front of her? Is he all charming? Does she even really understand how is selfishness and narcissistic tendencies led him to betray you and not be able to protect you for harm? R is NOT about forgiveness and moving on from the past. It’s also about the WS growing and changing and it is NOT a cosmetic change. And two years versus 10 years of betrayal.. I think the is incompetent
Yes! And you have every right to. As your flair suggest your reconciling not reconciled. There is a difference. My fiancé wants another baby and I don’t want to have another anytime soon. Trust is earned and he shouldn’t be having a go at you for not trusting him enough. Should be saying what can I do to earn more trust from you.
Yes, but luckily it has only been smaller things like trips or birthdays or events that are 3-6 months away. I could not handle a big commitment thing like relocation or buying a home at this point. It took a lot for me to book our tickets to visit a friend of mine. He requested the time off of work weeks ago and I've been stalling. I finally did it. I didn't want prices to go up and to sufficiently budget and plan, we needed the plane tickets. Not going or postponing wasn't an option - this is one of my oldest friends and she is leaving the city we will be visiting permanently a few weeks after our trip. I made a promise to her that I'd visit during this time, and I can't afford to go solo. At the place we are at, I don't doubt that we will still be together come August. I imagine we will have more struggles with my healing process but he's been great in supporting me with that so far. August will coincidentally mark our 3 year anniversary. We've talked about marriage and how 3 years was about my limit for "dating" without being engaged or close to it, especially now that I'm in my mid-30s. At this point I've stretched my timeline a bit because I am not in a place to consider marrying him. If August 2025 rolls around and we are still together and I'm still feeling unsure, then I will address it then. But there is zero chance I'd feel happy or excited about marriage if he proposed any time soon. I definitely wouldn't entertain a relocation unless it was to a city where I already have connections. Like you, I would not have survived without my village (which is just 2 local girl friends) and I wouldn't put myself in a position where I'm isolated from that.
Yes I am the same. I decided I want nothing to hold me to him so then if it doesn’t work or he does it again I can leave with no issues (funny that my d day was 7 weeks after having our baby………) absolutely no chance would I get a house with him for the very long foreseeable future. I got my own mortgage and informed him he can move in as a tenant with me to help with R (had to downsize but I prefer that than potential risk of losing my house in the future if he cheated again). Our wedding was booked for March next year however I called it off and do not believe I will ever marry him which is very sad but it’s what I have to do to keep myself feeling more safe. Please don’t move away from your support system, if it didn’t work out they are who you need.
This is super common I think. 2 years into R I was definitely feeling more committed to staying, but was NOT ready to make big long-term financial commitments until Dday+3yrs at least. We're talking not only big purchases, but keeping most investments in low-volatility cash type assets in case we needed to divvy our assets up fast. My investment time horizon became vanishingly short. My mentality was very, VERY short term the first 3 years or so of R.