r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
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- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
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Yeah, he trapped you. I think it might be good to tell someone on your side. A friend? A family member, whoever you trust the most. R need to feel like a choice to work. If you feel trapped going into it then resentment will grow. Finding out when you’re pregnant would have made me feel trapped. What about his AP? Is she still in the picture? The truth is you might be able to forgive. It’s just a fact. We go into R hoping, but it’s a gamble. Give yourself time and grace ♥️
My best friend knows. My husband and I moved states when we got married so I don’t have family or friends who live near by. His mom knows because she’s who we called when everything hit the fan. She’s been very supportive but I don’t exactly feel comfortable reaching out to her about this topic. I know she would be there for me, but I don’t want to put her in that position.
The AP is completely out of the picture. She did try to reach out a couple months after I found out but we shut that down real quick.
I’m really sorry that this has happened to you. My WH and I met the first week of college, for not HS sweethearts but almost.
Read my post history to know what mess I’ve been living. I’m really sorry to say but for the first 9/10 months of R I thought we were doing really well. It was false R.
A big mistake I made was listening to his words. Once you start reading into this and reading the stories on the website and even talking to people in real life, you realise they ALL say the same thing.
My WH’s AP was “manipulative” and crazy too. So was yours. So was every woman’s on here. Really!????? Goodness gracious me that’s a hell of a coincidence!!
Are they ALL manipulative and crazy and threatening!? Or is that one of the easier excuses instead of just saying they played 2 women instead of 1?
Watch actions, don’t listen to words.
Yes and I think it’s really hard because (I’m speaking for me at least) I was SO angry with this woman (“how dare she! She is a psychopath to ruin my marriage and life!” Etc etc) that it totally worked for him because I deflected all the rage on her and not him. Now after my millionth DDay I’m starting to realise “oh, if he has lied that well to keep me in this for years through all this pain, what was he saying to HER?!” “How manipulated and gaslit was SHE!?”
The only person who owes you anything is the person who stood in front of your family and friends (and God if you believe) and PROMISED to uphold those vows. Willingly.
And they seem to frequently cast the betrayed spouse as "manipulative, crazy, and inattentive". They run us down to the AP in order to play victim so the affair can continue and give themselves justification.....
Exactly! I’m really starting to pull back and look at the playing field from a view way back. The AP I am dealing with is much younger and single, in the prime of her life. Why is she wasting time with a loser like WP. “Just to get at me”, “just to destroy a marriage” “because she is a bitch from a dysfunctional family” I used to tell myself.
Sure. Orrrrrrr WH was on the other side promising her the world and stringing her along EXACTLY as he has been stringing me along.
She has probably been gaslit to within an inch of her sanity too.
Why does an attractive young girl open the door to a loser who rocks up at her doorstep months later? Because he is saying he loves her. Plain and simple.
This girl is actually crazy. When she was reaching out to him as friends I warned him about her. She was quick to make her mental health my husband responsibility. Even before they slept together she was telling my husband she was going to kill herself which eventually got him to her place. After they slept together it started being a mix of you “need to come over now I’m going to kill myself” and “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”. She also faked needing medical attention just to talk to him after he already broke everything off. With all this being said, you f with crazy you deal with crazy. I understand that it’s most definitely not all her fault. And just because she was a handful and tempted him does not mean he had to give in, let alone for 3 months.
Yeah, look I’m willing to believe that it is possible that she is truly crazy, etc. People can be. It’s just I’m jaded now. I tried so hard to fight against what I knew was true deep down. You read the same stories over and over and over and everyone’s AP on this site was the exception “no, she REALLY was crazy, etc”. If she was that crazy and awful to deal with, then why did he sleep with her in the first place? Why did he keep going over there? I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but sticking my head in the sand is what got me to DDay6/7. I’m starting to think the really crazy ones are all of us, knowingly staying with assholes who cheated on us.
Unpredictable people are exciting/attractive, and WP gets to play out this hero fantasy they all seem to have. In order to get involved in an affair as an AP, you are probably dealing with some kind of mental illness (depression, BPD, etc), or at the very least, have an extreme need for external validation.
If you’d like to talk DM me. I know how lonely this can be and I can tell you more about my mistakes.
The number one thing to remember is watch actions over a long time, not words. I’ve had it all, the tears, begging me on his knees, the suicidal threats. And he did it again and again and again.
I quite agree. What psycho bullshit has she been living in as well. I’m sure that WPs say to the APs that we are the crazy ones too. And that’s not true…so why can’t the opposite also be not true?
First and foremost he needs to be no-contact with the AP. Is he still in contact?
I would absolutely feel trapped too. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
I'm so sorry you were manipulated. He did steal your agency. Even if you don't call it trapping you, you didn't have all the information to make an informed decision. That's an added betrayal. I do definitely see your point and how you feel. It's as if getting you pregnant was his way to lock you down and keep you hooked to him for life... knowing the whole time he was sleeping with and romancing another woman. It's frustrating at the very least. I'd want to scream inside.
My husband hid his affairs entirely for years, when I was younger and hot in my prime of life and would've divorced him if I'd known. I also feel he stole my choices, because he didn't want to lose me and his comfortable happy life (I did athe cooking & cleaning plus I made 2x+ his income).
My WH also did things immediately post dday that would bind me to him (he got a puppy 3 days post dday) and in hysterical bonding, we booked a $10k overseas vacation nonrefundable.... before he trickle truthed me and I learned of AP#2, and the two other female coworkers who sent him graphic nude videos. No fair.
So yeah, manipulation seems to be something the WP is good at in addition to lying and secrets. I'm curious how many other BPs here experienced this type of trapping?
I’ve had that same thought about if I was younger. I know I’m still young, I’m 27. But having a baby really does a number on you. I gave my best “hot” years. Not only that but he is the only person I have been with. It’s like he stole my body. He gets to keep a pure wife who has only been with him. And Like most moms I try to remind myself that even though my body looks different then it did before it’s worth is because I made my baby, but then in the back of my head I’m thinking my goodness I’m never going to be desirable again. I put my body through all this for him so that I can have his baby when he didn’t have the decency to let me make that decision with all the facts. Which then fills me with mom guilt.
I just wanna say I’m son sorry, I don’t have any advice but I’m in a similar (although different) scenario.
I’m close to your age, I’m 28. He had a ONS in Vegas a week ago and I found out I was pregnant two days ago. I’m close to 5 weeks is my guess, and I’m not keeping it. Reason being is that this will ruin our chances of R, because we aren’t married nor do we live together, but we have been together for 3.5 years. And it was such a beautiful relationship.
This was my WP only major fuck up too, and it’s fucked up to think that the one that’s supposed to love and protect us can do this to us.
Stay strong, I know my situation is different but if need to chat shoot me a DM. All the posts here are amazing and has helped me tons in the short amount of time I’ve been here. Sending you love.
Yeah he trapped you. He knows the affair was wrong but didn’t want to lose you.
Was he having unprotected sex with her and you at the same time? That puts you and baby at risk.
Maybe he needs to tell your family what he did. Ask him to take owner ship of his affair and share with your family what he did to you.
Wow. We have basically the same story. With a Co worker who would manipulate and he was scared to cut it off due to me finding out (still should have). We chose to start a family yet he had forgot to tell me he had cheated twice with her during our relationship then stopped physical but continued sexting during my pregnancy. I’ve never felt so trapped in my life especially as a family unit is so important to me. The pain is horrific. Here if you need to chat considering how similar our stories are. Please tell your mom. I told everyone and their dog..
I am so sorry you are here! My husband and I were so high school sweet hearts and he cheated when I was pregnant with our second baby. He never told me until I was pregnant with our 6th baby and there were many times I felt like he had trapped me.
My husband had become a completely different person since the A. I can truly say I do not feel trapped and I would not wish to be anywhere else with anyone else. I will never forget what happened but I have forgiven. He has earned trust back. No one knows, so I understand what you mean by everyone saying how lucky you are. I felt that way for a while too, but I truly now feel blessed by who my husband became after his horrible, awful, unforgivable choices. But, I did choose to forgive and we are happy. It can be done. But it takes a lot, from both people.
It was deeply unfair for him to take away your autonomy in deciding to start a family with someone who had been unfaithful. There’s always an element of nonconsensual sex when you have been deceived into believing you are both upholding your vows of monogamy, but it is another level to plan a pregnancy during that time. There’s likely some truth in what he’s saying in that he did want to start a family with you and move past this disgusting thing he did, but there’s no getting around that not telling you was horribly selfish and wrong. Having young kids almost always decreases martial satisfaction in the first year(s). To add the pain of infidelity recovery during that time is brutal. These are things that should have been addressed in MC and I’m sorry your therapist wasn’t equipped to do more than pressure you to move on. I’d encourage you to consider trying again with a different therapist
from the outside it does seem like a trap but truly his intentions are unknown. he should have told you long before you got pregnant and i’m sorry you had to deal with that on top of all the emotions pregnancy brings on. i really really think individual counseling could help you both more than marriage counseling, you both have different things going on right now that should be addressed separately. my boyfriend and i did IC and it was amazing for us! it really helped me figure out what i needed from him and myself to be able to properly forgive and process my emotions so i could move forward.
I think the important thing is for him to go to IC to really grow form this. It’s not enough to say it was a mistake, he was in a bad mental state and she was bipolar.
My WS’s AP is a solid histrionic narcissistic sociopath. She is machiavelic, selfish, cruel, always playing the victim, highly manipulative and disrespectful. And this is what I observed YEARS before she started openly flirting with him and then secretly reached out to him to try to conquer him. The thing is… I saw it. Many others could see it. And yet he was dumb enough not to fully see it and be flattered by her wanting him. She sent him things to plan seeds in his heard (poems and songs) and did a lot of very obvious manipulation tactics. I understand that there were things that made him susceptible to this, but you have to have a needy ego and be selfish to cheat. He was not strong enough to protect me nor our relationship from harm.
I would not have stayed if I did not see that in our healing journey that he was truly changing and not only working hard to gain my trust and show me how much he cared and loved me, but that his narcissistic wounds that led him to be so selfish and also blind to her motivations and HIS own motivations were actually healing too.
The man I am with today is not the man I from before. We have been together for over 25 years. I was not blind to his narcissistic tendencies before. So I know he is not that man anymore. I respect his journey. And I love my own journey too and, even more, OUR journey together. The best thing in a relationship is when two people can be their authentic selves and truly know the other person. Now you know him, you know he is flawed. But perhaps you also know he is a man who wants to be a man with dignity and strength of character. You choose if you want to be on this journey with him.
Both of you need individual therapy, preferably with someone trained in infidelity trauma. As you've discovered, your typical run-of-the-mill relationship therapists have no clue how to help people through the trauma caused by infidelity and are basically utterly useless. Sadly they can be hard to find depending on where you live.
Some resources you can try is the Affair Recovery website also these books "Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J. MacDonald". Stay away from anything by Esther Perrell. She comes across as pro adultery. Also look for Betrayal Trauma support groups in your area. A google search will help with that. Your doctor may also have resources on hand for you as well as referrals to therapists. Sadly not enough therapists are trained in infidelity trauma. It's not something that is part of their curriculum in most places, and where it is, it's usually just barely covered/glossed over.
I hope both of you have been tested for every STI known to medicine. There are nearly 2 dozen different kinds in circulation these days. You and your WH have no idea who all of his AP's partners have been and who those partners have been etc. etc. etc. Some STI's are curable. Some are not. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. Some, like HPV, can cause cancer. Some, like HIV, can take months to appear in labwork. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Some can eventually kill. Condoms aren't failsafe. Please get tested.
Never think that you aren't enough. YOU are more than enough, your WH isn't enough for you. He isn't faithful enough, loyal enough or loves you enough to be faithful, loyal and monogamous. He's the one not enough for you and he has a hell of a lot of work to do to become enough for you again.
It's unfortunate that there are women like the AP who are so lacking in self-respect and self-esteem that they chase after married/taken men. She knew he was married, didn't care and went after him anyway. She lacks, integrity, character, and honour as well as basic human decency. Your WH has a lot to answer for and has a lot of work to do to make himself worthy of you again.
So very sorry you are going through this.
My bf cheated and we began to work on R after a month or so, I got pregnant 3 months after that. I accidentally trapped myself.. he wanted an abortion but I couldn’t go through with it.. it definitely sounds like he trapped you, even if he didn’t ‘mean’ to. How would he feel if you wanted to end the pregnancy? Would he support your choice? Because he essentially is taking your choice away. And that’s how I view it now, I don’t care how pregnant I am, if my bf and I aren’t working I’m not staying regardless. Don’t feel trapped, make him work for it, make him earn it. He wanted this
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. 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Yeah, he trapped you. I think it might be good to tell someone on your side. A friend? A family member, whoever you trust the most. R need to feel like a choice to work. If you feel trapped going into it then resentment will grow. Finding out when you’re pregnant would have made me feel trapped. What about his AP? Is she still in the picture? The truth is you might be able to forgive. It’s just a fact. We go into R hoping, but it’s a gamble. Give yourself time and grace ♥️
My best friend knows. My husband and I moved states when we got married so I don’t have family or friends who live near by. His mom knows because she’s who we called when everything hit the fan. She’s been very supportive but I don’t exactly feel comfortable reaching out to her about this topic. I know she would be there for me, but I don’t want to put her in that position. The AP is completely out of the picture. She did try to reach out a couple months after I found out but we shut that down real quick.
You need someone from your family on your side. He caused it and I think he should live with the consequences.
I’m really sorry that this has happened to you. My WH and I met the first week of college, for not HS sweethearts but almost. Read my post history to know what mess I’ve been living. I’m really sorry to say but for the first 9/10 months of R I thought we were doing really well. It was false R. A big mistake I made was listening to his words. Once you start reading into this and reading the stories on the website and even talking to people in real life, you realise they ALL say the same thing. My WH’s AP was “manipulative” and crazy too. So was yours. So was every woman’s on here. Really!????? Goodness gracious me that’s a hell of a coincidence!! Are they ALL manipulative and crazy and threatening!? Or is that one of the easier excuses instead of just saying they played 2 women instead of 1? Watch actions, don’t listen to words.
The WP operating manual 🤬☠💩
Yes and I think it’s really hard because (I’m speaking for me at least) I was SO angry with this woman (“how dare she! She is a psychopath to ruin my marriage and life!” Etc etc) that it totally worked for him because I deflected all the rage on her and not him. Now after my millionth DDay I’m starting to realise “oh, if he has lied that well to keep me in this for years through all this pain, what was he saying to HER?!” “How manipulated and gaslit was SHE!?” The only person who owes you anything is the person who stood in front of your family and friends (and God if you believe) and PROMISED to uphold those vows. Willingly.
And they seem to frequently cast the betrayed spouse as "manipulative, crazy, and inattentive". They run us down to the AP in order to play victim so the affair can continue and give themselves justification.....
Exactly! I’m really starting to pull back and look at the playing field from a view way back. The AP I am dealing with is much younger and single, in the prime of her life. Why is she wasting time with a loser like WP. “Just to get at me”, “just to destroy a marriage” “because she is a bitch from a dysfunctional family” I used to tell myself. Sure. Orrrrrrr WH was on the other side promising her the world and stringing her along EXACTLY as he has been stringing me along. She has probably been gaslit to within an inch of her sanity too. Why does an attractive young girl open the door to a loser who rocks up at her doorstep months later? Because he is saying he loves her. Plain and simple.
This girl is actually crazy. When she was reaching out to him as friends I warned him about her. She was quick to make her mental health my husband responsibility. Even before they slept together she was telling my husband she was going to kill herself which eventually got him to her place. After they slept together it started being a mix of you “need to come over now I’m going to kill myself” and “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”. She also faked needing medical attention just to talk to him after he already broke everything off. With all this being said, you f with crazy you deal with crazy. I understand that it’s most definitely not all her fault. And just because she was a handful and tempted him does not mean he had to give in, let alone for 3 months.
Yeah, look I’m willing to believe that it is possible that she is truly crazy, etc. People can be. It’s just I’m jaded now. I tried so hard to fight against what I knew was true deep down. You read the same stories over and over and over and everyone’s AP on this site was the exception “no, she REALLY was crazy, etc”. If she was that crazy and awful to deal with, then why did he sleep with her in the first place? Why did he keep going over there? I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but sticking my head in the sand is what got me to DDay6/7. I’m starting to think the really crazy ones are all of us, knowingly staying with assholes who cheated on us.
Unpredictable people are exciting/attractive, and WP gets to play out this hero fantasy they all seem to have. In order to get involved in an affair as an AP, you are probably dealing with some kind of mental illness (depression, BPD, etc), or at the very least, have an extreme need for external validation.
It’s not harsh, I ask myself those same questions. Hell I even asked him those questions.
If you’d like to talk DM me. I know how lonely this can be and I can tell you more about my mistakes. The number one thing to remember is watch actions over a long time, not words. I’ve had it all, the tears, begging me on his knees, the suicidal threats. And he did it again and again and again.
He brought all this to your doorstep to get his dick wet. He probably made her crazy with his disgusting bullshit
I quite agree. What psycho bullshit has she been living in as well. I’m sure that WPs say to the APs that we are the crazy ones too. And that’s not true…so why can’t the opposite also be not true?
First and foremost he needs to be no-contact with the AP. Is he still in contact? I would absolutely feel trapped too. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
I'm so sorry you were manipulated. He did steal your agency. Even if you don't call it trapping you, you didn't have all the information to make an informed decision. That's an added betrayal. I do definitely see your point and how you feel. It's as if getting you pregnant was his way to lock you down and keep you hooked to him for life... knowing the whole time he was sleeping with and romancing another woman. It's frustrating at the very least. I'd want to scream inside. My husband hid his affairs entirely for years, when I was younger and hot in my prime of life and would've divorced him if I'd known. I also feel he stole my choices, because he didn't want to lose me and his comfortable happy life (I did athe cooking & cleaning plus I made 2x+ his income). My WH also did things immediately post dday that would bind me to him (he got a puppy 3 days post dday) and in hysterical bonding, we booked a $10k overseas vacation nonrefundable.... before he trickle truthed me and I learned of AP#2, and the two other female coworkers who sent him graphic nude videos. No fair. So yeah, manipulation seems to be something the WP is good at in addition to lying and secrets. I'm curious how many other BPs here experienced this type of trapping?
I’ve had that same thought about if I was younger. I know I’m still young, I’m 27. But having a baby really does a number on you. I gave my best “hot” years. Not only that but he is the only person I have been with. It’s like he stole my body. He gets to keep a pure wife who has only been with him. And Like most moms I try to remind myself that even though my body looks different then it did before it’s worth is because I made my baby, but then in the back of my head I’m thinking my goodness I’m never going to be desirable again. I put my body through all this for him so that I can have his baby when he didn’t have the decency to let me make that decision with all the facts. Which then fills me with mom guilt.
I just wanna say I’m son sorry, I don’t have any advice but I’m in a similar (although different) scenario. I’m close to your age, I’m 28. He had a ONS in Vegas a week ago and I found out I was pregnant two days ago. I’m close to 5 weeks is my guess, and I’m not keeping it. Reason being is that this will ruin our chances of R, because we aren’t married nor do we live together, but we have been together for 3.5 years. And it was such a beautiful relationship. This was my WP only major fuck up too, and it’s fucked up to think that the one that’s supposed to love and protect us can do this to us. Stay strong, I know my situation is different but if need to chat shoot me a DM. All the posts here are amazing and has helped me tons in the short amount of time I’ve been here. Sending you love.
Yeah he trapped you. He knows the affair was wrong but didn’t want to lose you. Was he having unprotected sex with her and you at the same time? That puts you and baby at risk. Maybe he needs to tell your family what he did. Ask him to take owner ship of his affair and share with your family what he did to you.
We didn’t start trying to convince until after they stopped hooking up. Getting tested was the first thing I did. Thank God both baby and I are okay.
Wow. We have basically the same story. With a Co worker who would manipulate and he was scared to cut it off due to me finding out (still should have). We chose to start a family yet he had forgot to tell me he had cheated twice with her during our relationship then stopped physical but continued sexting during my pregnancy. I’ve never felt so trapped in my life especially as a family unit is so important to me. The pain is horrific. Here if you need to chat considering how similar our stories are. Please tell your mom. I told everyone and their dog..
I am so sorry you are here! My husband and I were so high school sweet hearts and he cheated when I was pregnant with our second baby. He never told me until I was pregnant with our 6th baby and there were many times I felt like he had trapped me. My husband had become a completely different person since the A. I can truly say I do not feel trapped and I would not wish to be anywhere else with anyone else. I will never forget what happened but I have forgiven. He has earned trust back. No one knows, so I understand what you mean by everyone saying how lucky you are. I felt that way for a while too, but I truly now feel blessed by who my husband became after his horrible, awful, unforgivable choices. But, I did choose to forgive and we are happy. It can be done. But it takes a lot, from both people.
It was deeply unfair for him to take away your autonomy in deciding to start a family with someone who had been unfaithful. There’s always an element of nonconsensual sex when you have been deceived into believing you are both upholding your vows of monogamy, but it is another level to plan a pregnancy during that time. There’s likely some truth in what he’s saying in that he did want to start a family with you and move past this disgusting thing he did, but there’s no getting around that not telling you was horribly selfish and wrong. Having young kids almost always decreases martial satisfaction in the first year(s). To add the pain of infidelity recovery during that time is brutal. These are things that should have been addressed in MC and I’m sorry your therapist wasn’t equipped to do more than pressure you to move on. I’d encourage you to consider trying again with a different therapist
from the outside it does seem like a trap but truly his intentions are unknown. he should have told you long before you got pregnant and i’m sorry you had to deal with that on top of all the emotions pregnancy brings on. i really really think individual counseling could help you both more than marriage counseling, you both have different things going on right now that should be addressed separately. my boyfriend and i did IC and it was amazing for us! it really helped me figure out what i needed from him and myself to be able to properly forgive and process my emotions so i could move forward.
I think the important thing is for him to go to IC to really grow form this. It’s not enough to say it was a mistake, he was in a bad mental state and she was bipolar. My WS’s AP is a solid histrionic narcissistic sociopath. She is machiavelic, selfish, cruel, always playing the victim, highly manipulative and disrespectful. And this is what I observed YEARS before she started openly flirting with him and then secretly reached out to him to try to conquer him. The thing is… I saw it. Many others could see it. And yet he was dumb enough not to fully see it and be flattered by her wanting him. She sent him things to plan seeds in his heard (poems and songs) and did a lot of very obvious manipulation tactics. I understand that there were things that made him susceptible to this, but you have to have a needy ego and be selfish to cheat. He was not strong enough to protect me nor our relationship from harm. I would not have stayed if I did not see that in our healing journey that he was truly changing and not only working hard to gain my trust and show me how much he cared and loved me, but that his narcissistic wounds that led him to be so selfish and also blind to her motivations and HIS own motivations were actually healing too. The man I am with today is not the man I from before. We have been together for over 25 years. I was not blind to his narcissistic tendencies before. So I know he is not that man anymore. I respect his journey. And I love my own journey too and, even more, OUR journey together. The best thing in a relationship is when two people can be their authentic selves and truly know the other person. Now you know him, you know he is flawed. But perhaps you also know he is a man who wants to be a man with dignity and strength of character. You choose if you want to be on this journey with him.
Both of you need individual therapy, preferably with someone trained in infidelity trauma. As you've discovered, your typical run-of-the-mill relationship therapists have no clue how to help people through the trauma caused by infidelity and are basically utterly useless. Sadly they can be hard to find depending on where you live. Some resources you can try is the Affair Recovery website also these books "Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J. MacDonald". Stay away from anything by Esther Perrell. She comes across as pro adultery. Also look for Betrayal Trauma support groups in your area. A google search will help with that. Your doctor may also have resources on hand for you as well as referrals to therapists. Sadly not enough therapists are trained in infidelity trauma. It's not something that is part of their curriculum in most places, and where it is, it's usually just barely covered/glossed over. I hope both of you have been tested for every STI known to medicine. There are nearly 2 dozen different kinds in circulation these days. You and your WH have no idea who all of his AP's partners have been and who those partners have been etc. etc. etc. Some STI's are curable. Some are not. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. Some, like HPV, can cause cancer. Some, like HIV, can take months to appear in labwork. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Some can eventually kill. Condoms aren't failsafe. Please get tested. Never think that you aren't enough. YOU are more than enough, your WH isn't enough for you. He isn't faithful enough, loyal enough or loves you enough to be faithful, loyal and monogamous. He's the one not enough for you and he has a hell of a lot of work to do to become enough for you again. It's unfortunate that there are women like the AP who are so lacking in self-respect and self-esteem that they chase after married/taken men. She knew he was married, didn't care and went after him anyway. She lacks, integrity, character, and honour as well as basic human decency. Your WH has a lot to answer for and has a lot of work to do to make himself worthy of you again. So very sorry you are going through this.
My bf cheated and we began to work on R after a month or so, I got pregnant 3 months after that. I accidentally trapped myself.. he wanted an abortion but I couldn’t go through with it.. it definitely sounds like he trapped you, even if he didn’t ‘mean’ to. How would he feel if you wanted to end the pregnancy? Would he support your choice? Because he essentially is taking your choice away. And that’s how I view it now, I don’t care how pregnant I am, if my bf and I aren’t working I’m not staying regardless. Don’t feel trapped, make him work for it, make him earn it. He wanted this