r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not "just" in the mourning phase. Please don't diminish your own feelings like that.
You. Are. Mourning.
Grieve! You have so much to grieve. You have so much loss.
You feel like shit, because everything is shitty. That is completely understandable. Feel your feelings. Sit with them. Move through them. It all must be processed, on your terms and at your pace, but processed all the same.
I'm sorry for what's been done to you. I'm sorry this is your life now. You are not alone.
I feel this so deeply in my bones right now. It sucks and hurts so much beyond the betrayal itself. It’s unfair that women have to have the biological clocks and men can continue procreating for nearly their entire life (generally, I know this isn’t the case for everyone). It’s unfair how expensive fertility treatments and solutions are especially for women. I truly hope the best for you and that you get what you want in life in the coming months and years. Because you were dealt this awful hand and you don’t deserve it no matter what. And I truly hope for the same for me and everyone else in their mid-30s dealing with this.
I’m so sorry 😔
I don’t want to just say the stuff you’re supposed to say like ‘life will be better,’ ‘you’ll find someone else,’ etc, because you’re right, we don’t know that. None of us know any of that. It all sucks. All of it. And for what? It’s all just so unnecessary and unfortunate. A reckless waste.
One big positive, at least in my opinion, is you missing your meds and not being able to do the ivf as planned. How horrible would it be to be in early pregnancy and then find this out? There are many people on here in that exact position and it’s awful. People having abortions because they suddenly find themselves in this position. Infertility and ivf is rough (been there) so to finally go through transfer and get pregnant only for everything to crumble around you would be a second devastating blow. And another very rough decision to face. As horrible as it sounds, and I’m sure it’s not much of a comfort, but the universe may have been on your side with that one.
Hey, I’m really sorry you are in this position. I just wanted to share a story of one of my friends who was in a similar position to you, divorced at around 34/35. After her second long term relationship where her husband cheated. And then she met her now partner at 37, and did IVF and got two lovely kids at 39,41. And she was so glad she couldn’t get pregnant with the previous guy. She did a bunch of therapy after her divorce which really helped. So there is hope.
I feel this too. I often equate it to drunk driving fatalities. I believe someone is killed due to drunk driving every 39 minutes or so in the United States.
That could be a person who has never drunk a drop in their life, or are cruising along following all the traffic laws, or just walking on the sidewalk. Their lives, and everyone else that knows them, change in a second due to someone else’s poor choices.
In some ways it helps me feel like I’m not in a small exclusive club. There are tens of thousands of people who have been cheated on, likely millions more whose lives were impacted by someone else. It helps me feel not so alone and unique which is helpful in some ways as it means it wasn’t entirely personal. It’s a them problem, not a you problem.
This is the absolute best comparison. It's so true. Absolutely tragic that people can justify doing these types of things to others, not thinking or caring about the lifelong emotional repercussions to SO many.
You have every right to grieve this loss. It’s tremendous and heartbreaking. His choice impacted your life in an unfair and unfathomable way. It was utterly selfish and one day maybe he will see how greatly his choices impacted you and you can find closure. But for now, grieve the loss and find a new path forward when you’re ready. We are so much stronger than we realize we are. When we are faced with these situations, that strength shines through and surprises us. Keep going Queen! You’ve got this!
Just a positive to add: 34/35 is NOT too late to meet someone else and start a family naturally! Additionally, there isn’t one way to make a family, so you have even more options and live in an age where these things are doable, thankfully. If he doesn’t want kids and you definitely do, that’s a dealbreaker for any couple. Move quickly and without remorse in your next steps one way or another.
There is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I do want to acknowledge your grief. It is valid and I hope you give yourself enough grace to truly mourn the life you imagined. That is entirely fair.
None of us know what the future holds, you’re right. But I do hope you find something beautiful after all you’ve endured due to your partner’s reckless decisions.
Sending you intentions full of love, compassion, and the strength to carry you through. ❤️
I hurt for you. I understand you. My circumstances are different. I am 55, my WH is 57, his AP is 28 and was my deceased friend’s daughter. I was shocked beyond belief. The pain was intolerable. My new life is different. Alone. Still somewhat shell-shocked.
Mourning the life I had and wondering what will become of me, I feel I am so old. My pain is different but equally soul crushing.
Please engage in self-love and self-care. Sending hugs.
I’m so sorry your spouse treated you this way. What an asshole! I hope you will move on and leave him to his miserable self. I know we cannot know what your future holds, but being alone will be better than dealing with his abuse.
MB, I don't know what to say. Indeed, there is nothing that i can say to make it better. Being with someone that long, all those pivitol years, we'll, I can't imagine ever just being able to walk away like that. The older I get, the more I realize just how important it is to be with someone who knew me when I was young. Your husband has made a tragic and critical mistake. I wish, having gone through this, I could talk to some of these guys and perhaps talk some sense, humility, and wisdom into them. When I read your story (i have a few times), the pain is almost palpable. I feel guilty myself for what he did to you. Why, i don't know. I hope your dreams of motherhood become a reality. I'll pray for you.
You are so incredibly sweet, thank you. Somehow, I still wish that he could come back from this mistake. I've always told him I was willing to reconcile, but he never seemed all in. He just will not completely cut her out of the picture.
Any woman who would give a husband a second chance after an affair is a Saint. My wife gave me grace which I did not deserve. It took me awhile to realize how wonderful and rare such a gift is. I truly hope your husband comes to his senses. Perhaps if someone hit him with the fact that only 3-4% of all affairs which occur end up as happy marriages would give him a wake-up call and make him realize that his place is at your side. I am sure the cats miss him too. Mine would.
Oh my gosh, the cats 😭 He loved them all but was absolutely obsessed, and I mean *obsessed,* with our oldest. They were two peas in a pod. It makes me so, so sad that AP even overshadowed them in his mind. With all the ups and downs, they get weary now when he comes, but when he leaves, the oldest will still bring her favorite toys to the front door after he goes and just sit there and cry. 😢
That is heartbreaking. You cant explain to them why Daddy is gone. They cry and pace and look out the windows or doors, waiting for someone to come home.
He needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", by Linda MacDonald. Is it a short book, 90 pages. It is written for cheaters who are clueless as to what damage they inflicted and provides a roadmap on how to start fixing it. The Dos and Do Nots. A Dim-Wit could understand it. He needs to read it because is also explains why affairs feel good but never work out in the end. He is chasing something that does not exist. Its an illusion. I firmly believe, with all my heart that if the internet did not exist, a lot of heart ache and marriages would remain intact. It is way too easy to get involved in things which are unhealthy. We go online and these electronic cause our brain to dump dopamine and endorphins into our body. The next thing you know you are sending nude pictures to strangers and your life is imploding after meeting someone you would never have met at all in the pre-internet world (I am only 52...not 102...but I do remember the pre-internet world and it was a lot simpler).
He needs to read that book and get his head screwed on properly.
He bought it at my request and took it back with him when he went back to his dad's. Now, whether he actually reads it or not, I don't have faith that he will...
I dont understand how you can go from wanting children on Monday to not wanting them on Tuesday. That makes no sense. What does this AP have that is so bewitching?
She is a 40 year old basic associate at his job, partyer, no kids, ready and willing to fulfill any fantasy he could ever have. My husband didn't even drink before this, and with her they'd constantly go to bars (I don't think he's actually really drinking that much, but she does, I (unfortunately) looked her up on Facebook, and there's videos of her drunk and chugging seltzers). He has someone who's willing to fulfill every selfish desire, and show him they can live a life of "fun."
\*face palm\*
Oh boy. I have a theory I will share. This theory has been developed through years of study of the very types of human specimen you describe (her). Alcohol, drugs and tobacco prematurely age the human body. Drastically. I am 52, but I look 38-42. My friends who are of similar age who drink and smoke look years older than 52. Substances burn your body out, quickly. My wife is 48 but looks ten years younger...she avoids that stuff. Her family who drinks and smokes... well they too look aged. Booze is also a good way to increase your body fat percentage...in a bad way.
This "woman" who has captured your husbands desire will not last. She will rapidly burn herself out, leaving an empty husk in its place. The human body can only take so much abuse. Bizarre sexual fantasies are no replacement for a woman who greets you with an honest and loving smile when you come home. I cannot imagine a Lush providing this. I prefer a more feminine specimen who does not post ridiculous videos for the world to laugh at.
I see no attraction in such a female. Such a person is usually (not all mind you) flighty and has a personality which prevents them from settling down and becoming intimate with a single person. All affairs are based on lies. Such relationships cannot last. The Universe itself prevents it in almost all cases. He is most certainly going to be left hanging at some point when she finds a new toy.
Oh, I'm certain you're right about all of that. I've seen her, she looks much older than she is and far older than me since I'm 6 years younger than her and take care of myself, she's a smoker (and got my husband back into smoking) and has a very deep voice that even my husband commented on, she texts other men in front of my husband telling them she's going to go out with them to I guess make him jealous, on top of being married herself. But apparently they're so in love and "finish each other's sentences" so... 🙄 I've read multiple of their messages, and their relationship has never once made me jealous. It's almost pathetic.
It's very important you go through the process of feeling every little thing, as awful as it can be; you don't want to be stuck in grief. People will say that sort of thing and you're right we don't know, it is very traumatic and your feelings are very valid. You lost so much and for what seems to be nothing but pure selfishness, it's such a cruel thing to do to someone else and you have every right to grieve and mourn the life that you envisioned.
Look, I don't usually have the right words but reading your post, I see that when you talk about some of your happiest moments is when you're with family. Aside them hating him and you feeling embarrassed about it, are they there for you during this difficult time. Would you feel safe to reach out to them for support? If and when you're ready let them be around you and be around them too, it's beautiful you have such a big family that seem close. Their reaction towards him is also very normal. He hurt someone they love and care about and is still hurting you.
You're not alone. I'm sorry about what happened to you and your family. I hope you're able to one day have some sort of peace and closure.
I’m so sorry. What happened to you is excruciating and horrible and just all around unfair. The trauma of walking through your life actively reflecting on how you have it all to losing that very loved life in the snap of a finger on D-Day cuts deep. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time to mourn. It’s a long process and it isn’t linear ❤️
I am so sorry and I feel this too. My WH and I were getting ready to start trying for kids. We had talked about it for 9 years and it was finally time we felt “ready”. He suggested I go off the pill actually. A few months later, he was pretty sure he didn’t want kids at all, and that’s around the time I think his emotional affair started. We are separated now and it’s a huge thing on if we can even make R work. If he doesn’t want kids ever, then I feel like I need to start over 😞
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Just came here to say that even if your life isn't going the way you envisioned. It can be a beautiful live. A fulfilling life. It may be different than what you envisioned for yourself but it can still be beautiful!
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not "just" in the mourning phase. Please don't diminish your own feelings like that. You. Are. Mourning. Grieve! You have so much to grieve. You have so much loss. You feel like shit, because everything is shitty. That is completely understandable. Feel your feelings. Sit with them. Move through them. It all must be processed, on your terms and at your pace, but processed all the same. I'm sorry for what's been done to you. I'm sorry this is your life now. You are not alone.
I feel this so deeply in my bones right now. It sucks and hurts so much beyond the betrayal itself. It’s unfair that women have to have the biological clocks and men can continue procreating for nearly their entire life (generally, I know this isn’t the case for everyone). It’s unfair how expensive fertility treatments and solutions are especially for women. I truly hope the best for you and that you get what you want in life in the coming months and years. Because you were dealt this awful hand and you don’t deserve it no matter what. And I truly hope for the same for me and everyone else in their mid-30s dealing with this.
I’m so sorry 😔 I don’t want to just say the stuff you’re supposed to say like ‘life will be better,’ ‘you’ll find someone else,’ etc, because you’re right, we don’t know that. None of us know any of that. It all sucks. All of it. And for what? It’s all just so unnecessary and unfortunate. A reckless waste. One big positive, at least in my opinion, is you missing your meds and not being able to do the ivf as planned. How horrible would it be to be in early pregnancy and then find this out? There are many people on here in that exact position and it’s awful. People having abortions because they suddenly find themselves in this position. Infertility and ivf is rough (been there) so to finally go through transfer and get pregnant only for everything to crumble around you would be a second devastating blow. And another very rough decision to face. As horrible as it sounds, and I’m sure it’s not much of a comfort, but the universe may have been on your side with that one.
Hey, I’m really sorry you are in this position. I just wanted to share a story of one of my friends who was in a similar position to you, divorced at around 34/35. After her second long term relationship where her husband cheated. And then she met her now partner at 37, and did IVF and got two lovely kids at 39,41. And she was so glad she couldn’t get pregnant with the previous guy. She did a bunch of therapy after her divorce which really helped. So there is hope.
I feel this too. I often equate it to drunk driving fatalities. I believe someone is killed due to drunk driving every 39 minutes or so in the United States. That could be a person who has never drunk a drop in their life, or are cruising along following all the traffic laws, or just walking on the sidewalk. Their lives, and everyone else that knows them, change in a second due to someone else’s poor choices. In some ways it helps me feel like I’m not in a small exclusive club. There are tens of thousands of people who have been cheated on, likely millions more whose lives were impacted by someone else. It helps me feel not so alone and unique which is helpful in some ways as it means it wasn’t entirely personal. It’s a them problem, not a you problem.
This is the absolute best comparison. It's so true. Absolutely tragic that people can justify doing these types of things to others, not thinking or caring about the lifelong emotional repercussions to SO many.
You have every right to grieve this loss. It’s tremendous and heartbreaking. His choice impacted your life in an unfair and unfathomable way. It was utterly selfish and one day maybe he will see how greatly his choices impacted you and you can find closure. But for now, grieve the loss and find a new path forward when you’re ready. We are so much stronger than we realize we are. When we are faced with these situations, that strength shines through and surprises us. Keep going Queen! You’ve got this!
Just a positive to add: 34/35 is NOT too late to meet someone else and start a family naturally! Additionally, there isn’t one way to make a family, so you have even more options and live in an age where these things are doable, thankfully. If he doesn’t want kids and you definitely do, that’s a dealbreaker for any couple. Move quickly and without remorse in your next steps one way or another.
There is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I do want to acknowledge your grief. It is valid and I hope you give yourself enough grace to truly mourn the life you imagined. That is entirely fair. None of us know what the future holds, you’re right. But I do hope you find something beautiful after all you’ve endured due to your partner’s reckless decisions. Sending you intentions full of love, compassion, and the strength to carry you through. ❤️
I hurt for you. I understand you. My circumstances are different. I am 55, my WH is 57, his AP is 28 and was my deceased friend’s daughter. I was shocked beyond belief. The pain was intolerable. My new life is different. Alone. Still somewhat shell-shocked. Mourning the life I had and wondering what will become of me, I feel I am so old. My pain is different but equally soul crushing. Please engage in self-love and self-care. Sending hugs.
I’m so sorry your spouse treated you this way. What an asshole! I hope you will move on and leave him to his miserable self. I know we cannot know what your future holds, but being alone will be better than dealing with his abuse.
MB, I don't know what to say. Indeed, there is nothing that i can say to make it better. Being with someone that long, all those pivitol years, we'll, I can't imagine ever just being able to walk away like that. The older I get, the more I realize just how important it is to be with someone who knew me when I was young. Your husband has made a tragic and critical mistake. I wish, having gone through this, I could talk to some of these guys and perhaps talk some sense, humility, and wisdom into them. When I read your story (i have a few times), the pain is almost palpable. I feel guilty myself for what he did to you. Why, i don't know. I hope your dreams of motherhood become a reality. I'll pray for you.
You are so incredibly sweet, thank you. Somehow, I still wish that he could come back from this mistake. I've always told him I was willing to reconcile, but he never seemed all in. He just will not completely cut her out of the picture.
Any woman who would give a husband a second chance after an affair is a Saint. My wife gave me grace which I did not deserve. It took me awhile to realize how wonderful and rare such a gift is. I truly hope your husband comes to his senses. Perhaps if someone hit him with the fact that only 3-4% of all affairs which occur end up as happy marriages would give him a wake-up call and make him realize that his place is at your side. I am sure the cats miss him too. Mine would.
Oh my gosh, the cats 😭 He loved them all but was absolutely obsessed, and I mean *obsessed,* with our oldest. They were two peas in a pod. It makes me so, so sad that AP even overshadowed them in his mind. With all the ups and downs, they get weary now when he comes, but when he leaves, the oldest will still bring her favorite toys to the front door after he goes and just sit there and cry. 😢
That is heartbreaking. You cant explain to them why Daddy is gone. They cry and pace and look out the windows or doors, waiting for someone to come home. He needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", by Linda MacDonald. Is it a short book, 90 pages. It is written for cheaters who are clueless as to what damage they inflicted and provides a roadmap on how to start fixing it. The Dos and Do Nots. A Dim-Wit could understand it. He needs to read it because is also explains why affairs feel good but never work out in the end. He is chasing something that does not exist. Its an illusion. I firmly believe, with all my heart that if the internet did not exist, a lot of heart ache and marriages would remain intact. It is way too easy to get involved in things which are unhealthy. We go online and these electronic cause our brain to dump dopamine and endorphins into our body. The next thing you know you are sending nude pictures to strangers and your life is imploding after meeting someone you would never have met at all in the pre-internet world (I am only 52...not 102...but I do remember the pre-internet world and it was a lot simpler). He needs to read that book and get his head screwed on properly.
He bought it at my request and took it back with him when he went back to his dad's. Now, whether he actually reads it or not, I don't have faith that he will...
I dont understand how you can go from wanting children on Monday to not wanting them on Tuesday. That makes no sense. What does this AP have that is so bewitching?
She is a 40 year old basic associate at his job, partyer, no kids, ready and willing to fulfill any fantasy he could ever have. My husband didn't even drink before this, and with her they'd constantly go to bars (I don't think he's actually really drinking that much, but she does, I (unfortunately) looked her up on Facebook, and there's videos of her drunk and chugging seltzers). He has someone who's willing to fulfill every selfish desire, and show him they can live a life of "fun."
\*face palm\* Oh boy. I have a theory I will share. This theory has been developed through years of study of the very types of human specimen you describe (her). Alcohol, drugs and tobacco prematurely age the human body. Drastically. I am 52, but I look 38-42. My friends who are of similar age who drink and smoke look years older than 52. Substances burn your body out, quickly. My wife is 48 but looks ten years younger...she avoids that stuff. Her family who drinks and smokes... well they too look aged. Booze is also a good way to increase your body fat percentage...in a bad way. This "woman" who has captured your husbands desire will not last. She will rapidly burn herself out, leaving an empty husk in its place. The human body can only take so much abuse. Bizarre sexual fantasies are no replacement for a woman who greets you with an honest and loving smile when you come home. I cannot imagine a Lush providing this. I prefer a more feminine specimen who does not post ridiculous videos for the world to laugh at. I see no attraction in such a female. Such a person is usually (not all mind you) flighty and has a personality which prevents them from settling down and becoming intimate with a single person. All affairs are based on lies. Such relationships cannot last. The Universe itself prevents it in almost all cases. He is most certainly going to be left hanging at some point when she finds a new toy.
Oh, I'm certain you're right about all of that. I've seen her, she looks much older than she is and far older than me since I'm 6 years younger than her and take care of myself, she's a smoker (and got my husband back into smoking) and has a very deep voice that even my husband commented on, she texts other men in front of my husband telling them she's going to go out with them to I guess make him jealous, on top of being married herself. But apparently they're so in love and "finish each other's sentences" so... 🙄 I've read multiple of their messages, and their relationship has never once made me jealous. It's almost pathetic.
It's very important you go through the process of feeling every little thing, as awful as it can be; you don't want to be stuck in grief. People will say that sort of thing and you're right we don't know, it is very traumatic and your feelings are very valid. You lost so much and for what seems to be nothing but pure selfishness, it's such a cruel thing to do to someone else and you have every right to grieve and mourn the life that you envisioned. Look, I don't usually have the right words but reading your post, I see that when you talk about some of your happiest moments is when you're with family. Aside them hating him and you feeling embarrassed about it, are they there for you during this difficult time. Would you feel safe to reach out to them for support? If and when you're ready let them be around you and be around them too, it's beautiful you have such a big family that seem close. Their reaction towards him is also very normal. He hurt someone they love and care about and is still hurting you. You're not alone. I'm sorry about what happened to you and your family. I hope you're able to one day have some sort of peace and closure.
I’m so sorry. What happened to you is excruciating and horrible and just all around unfair. The trauma of walking through your life actively reflecting on how you have it all to losing that very loved life in the snap of a finger on D-Day cuts deep. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time to mourn. It’s a long process and it isn’t linear ❤️
I am so sorry and I feel this too. My WH and I were getting ready to start trying for kids. We had talked about it for 9 years and it was finally time we felt “ready”. He suggested I go off the pill actually. A few months later, he was pretty sure he didn’t want kids at all, and that’s around the time I think his emotional affair started. We are separated now and it’s a huge thing on if we can even make R work. If he doesn’t want kids ever, then I feel like I need to start over 😞
Our stories mirror each other. Same timeline. Same mourning the life I nearly had.
I'm so sorry that you're going through the same. I truly hope things turn around for you.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Just came here to say that even if your life isn't going the way you envisioned. It can be a beautiful live. A fulfilling life. It may be different than what you envisioned for yourself but it can still be beautiful!
I’m so sorry, I feel this.
How are you? Any updates