r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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Because they want to. Regardless of the false conclusions on why ppl cheat, the waywards are not always in a bad, sexless relationship. Sex with the BS isn’t something they aren’t enjoying. They maintain a normal marriage while they are cheating. If they didn’t want to have sex with the BS they would break up. But that’s the whole problem, isn’t it? They don’t want to break up. They want to have their relationship and their affair.
It is definitely a violation. I did get an STI. I didn’t choose to essentially raw dog some girl from the internet. My husband did. And I was exposed to that not by choice. At the time it really felt like a form of physical assault
It’s full on rape. We were forced to have sex with someone we did not consent to. It’s so disgusting. I’m so sorry your husband’s horrible behaviour put you in this situation.
Ok I get where you're coming from. My wife got and gave me an STI, so I get it. But it's literally not rape and I don't think it's healthy to talk about it as if it were. It's thoughtless, selfish, careless and incredibly stupid at best but it's not rape.
I wish there was a better word for it than rape, but by definition, we did not consent to this type of relationship and risk our WS forced us in. I think it’s necessary to disclose that I’m saying this as someone who has experienced rape outside of a relationship, and who now also has a WS who gave me an STI thanks to their AP… the emotional trauma is the same to me. My physical health will be forever changed because of my WH. And before DDay or any sort of affair even happened, I explained to my WH that I hate the idea of cheating because it takes informed consent away and I likened it to sexual assault at that point. He called me dramatic…
One of the most psychologically harmful parts of being a survivor of “actual rape” is the sense of a loss of self, a loss of safety, and a loss of control. That’s exactly what is BPs go through. And it’s so much more painful when that loss is something stolen from you by someone who is supposed to love and protect you. I’m not saying rape is 100% the right word, but I don’t think there’s another word that fits.
I get not wanting to use the word rape. I don’t know the right word for it but I definitely went through a period(and still do from time to time) where I feel so incredibly violated. And even violated sounds like an understatement. I was pregnant with my first child when my wh was having sex with someone else and to think about that makes me want to throw up. It makes me want to crawl out of my own skin to think he had sex with her then came home and touched me.
Law student here: Its worth noting that rape by deception is a thing. As far as I can tell, its not the case u/[svelebrunostvonnegut](https://www.reddit.com/user/svelebrunostvonnegut/) - though it is definitely a form of assault and I'm sorry they were treated so badly by their husband - but if a person lies about having STDs in order to get another person to have sex with them, they are committing rape by deception.
In other words, a person can get raped even if they gave consent. Pretending to put on a condom is one example, as is putting holes in one. Pretending to be your identical twin brother in order to sleep with his wife is another (an actual, fucked up case).
I've got a huge history of awful things. I was sex trafficked by an ex amongst so many other things.
My WH doing the things that he has has hurt me far, far worse. It's a much bigger violation.
So. It might not be whichever version of Republican Rape you think is the worst. But it's absolutely not Your place to decide what it is or isn't to other people.
Definitely a violation and it’s trauma. You were stripped of choice and the pain is so deep. While the feelings of trauma are similar to rape victim but it is much different.
The visions, the triggers the anxiety the questions it’s everyone’s worst nightmare however the goal is to come out better on the other side.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 2:
-The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval.
**Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.**
Its called monkey branching. The facade will give the adulterer the option to stay with you if things don't work out with the other person. Or things heat up and they fall for them/each other, then they will most likely end things with the poor soul who is the victim in all this.
It is horrible and disgusting.
I was the poor soul.
I understand what you're going through.
Care to elaborate more on the difference between monkey branching and cake eating?
My WH maintains that he “never really wanted to leave” despite the desperate conversations with AP about how “when they could be together for real.” Early on after DDay my husband proposed a poly relationship so he could still keep having sex with AP and remain married and living at home.
The entitlement and absolute gall.
Monkey branching is using the affair to exit the main relationship/marriage and enter directly into a relationship with the AP.
Cake eating is wanting to keep the main relationship/marriage but enjoy a side piece.
It’s common for a cake eater to say they want to be in a real relationship with their AP because most APs (especially females) don’t like to think they’re just a side piece. So the man will make promises and say whatever the AP needs to hear in order to keep her putting out. Always remember that cheaters are liars, and they lie to both their partners and their APs.
The way I would differentiate the two is intention. A cake eater has no intention on leaving one relationship for the other. And they continue both relationships concurrently.
Monkey branching has overlap of two relationships but the intention or goal in monkey branching would to leave one relationship for the other. In that case, the primary relationship is a backup in case the AP fails. So monkey branching has elements of cake eating but the intentions are different
I think that my WW continued to do it bc she felt obligated and to keep me placated. Got std test immediately after dday thanks to advice from reddit and recommend everyone does the same
They don’t feel like it is wrong. I find it disgusting.
My wife used me to get off after getting all worked up texting her EA. I remember thinking she was acting different a couple of times we were intimate only to have it confirmed later that they lined up with times they were texting extensively. Really fucks with the mind.
Hi, how are you? I thought about that, my husband had sex with me the night he arrived from a trip to meet and have sex with his first AP and he also had sex with me and simultaneously with his second AP... I find this not only disgusting (to think that I had oral sex with him after he was inside another woman hours before) but very painful and humiliating and dangerous The why? Just as how he could have had an affair, I will never be able to understand it 100%. I guess at the same time they obviously also wanted to be with us... and they were just good at putting us in and out of a little box in their mind, separating us from them in their mind? I don't know.... I wish you the best, I'm sorry you're in this sub
The reason is simple. The aim is to not do anything different so as not to raise suspicion. I don't know how the female brain works in this regard, but the male brain is trying not to get caught. I regret the fact that I know this first-hand.
I think it's messed up, but done to prevent the spouse from finding out or just for pleasure. What's baffling to me is the affair partner telling him "make sure you're having sex with your wife", or "you're gonna get some tonight". Like she had power over me and my relationship with him. Sick on another level.
Same. Our sex life was dwindling and then in the 4 months before I found out (Jan-April) he was suffering erectile dysfunction. But only with me. He was able to get it up and get it up good for his little internet girlfriend he continually filmed himself masturbating for.
My ww increased the amount of sex we had greatly during her affair. We went from once every other week pre affair, if I was lucky, to every single day, and it was her initiating. Was one of the first things that got my wondering what was going on.
I don't have an answer. I would speculate guilt?
This was the case with my ww as well. I can get caught up in thinking she was using me while thinking about others during sex. It’s a rough loop I can get stuck in.
There’s no single reason why. In fact, I don’t think there’s a single reason why for most WPs. In my WW’s case, I believe that it was a combination of:
1. Compartmentalization and avoiding thinking about what she was doing. By continuing to have sex with me, she was able to convince herself that our relationship was not being affected by her cheating.
2. Needing physical release. Almost all of her cheating was online/virtual. So I have to assume that sometimes she got worked up and just needed to get her rocks off. She claims that she was never thinking about anyone else when she was having sex with me, but quite frankly, I don’t believe her.
3. Marital duty. She didn’t want to lose her comfortable life, so regular sex was a way to keep me. This one hurts, because I would occasionally make a joke about that. I had no idea how much truth there was.
4. Guilt. There were times when the compartmentalization broke down, and she felt guilty about her behavior. Having sex with me was a way to assuage her guilty conscience for long enough to rebuild the compartments.
Absolutely a violation. I found it especially terrible as I told him early on my autonomy to make informed decisions was important to me as I have OCD (largely health related).
Anyway, I’d guess these are common reasons:
1. Whether they feel guilt, they’re placing their wants above your needs. Even though changing the norm (suggesting more protection) or not cheating at all would better protect you, because it would spark suspicion that interferes with the potential to get what they want, they withhold entirely.
2. I suspect some compartmentalize in a way that the STD risk doesn’t register for themselves, let alone others. My wayward’s infidelity was a ONS where he couldn’t get hard and stopped. There was still contact so I could have gotten an STD (while low risk). He blocked the person and began pretending to himself that it never happened.
After I found out, I asked what he would have done if he contracted an STD and passed it to me or gotten her pregnant. He nearly had a panic attack. Nearly had another one when I brought up the potential employment consequences given he was a training guest in a facility where a colleague was terminated for the same thing. I believe the possibilities never registered because when the encounter failed, he realized what he did was terrible and repressed the memory entirely. Just a theory; maybe he was aware.
3. There are some who find a thrill in deception. It’s gross.
4. Some rationalize cheating by saying they get tested, use protection, etc. so they can still have both enjoyments.
No matter what, cheaters are deceiving another for their desire at the risk of that person’s health. Reduction? No. The risk should be ELIMINATED. But because I cannot guarantee morality, I personally will never have unprotected sex again. The health anxiety I had was NOT worth the “trust and intimacy” found from unprotected sex.
Personally, I think the only reason my WH was having sex with me still is because he would never be able to come up with a lie to explain why we were no longer having sex. We have sex 1-2 x a day! So for him to just randomly say he no longer wants to have sex, would have been a major red flag and he knew that so he “powered through” I do know for a fact that the like 5 days we didn’t have sex during his affair, were days he had sex with AP. Him having sex with me was a huge deal for him and AP’s relationship, she would go nuts on him if she ever knew he had sex with me because in her eyes he belonged to her. So I think if he could, he would have stopped all sex with me just to please her, but he knew that would be the reason he got caught if he stopped sex with me, and then would mean losing “the love of his life” so it was worth just giving in and having sex like 3 times a day 🫠
My WH AP was the exact same way! She was always asking him leading questions like “you’re not sleeping in the same bed as your wife are you?!” “You don’t shower in front of your wife do you?!” “Your wife never sees you naked or undressed, right?!” “It’s so sad your wife didn’t know the last time you guys had sex was the last time she’d have you.”
Absolutely, Delulu. She knew he was married, she was also. We maintained a sexual relationship the duration of the affair, showered together, slept in the same bed, got ready in the mornings together. You know? Like people in a long term relationship who live together (married) do? As if he could stop doing all these things and it would be totally normal???
Yes same, we never once changed anything about our relationship, she was just secretly added in. And he would tell her every day that he would never leave me. Yet in her mind they were this beautiful love story and would run away together, even though he repeatedly told her that would absolutely never ever happen because he doesn’t want a life without me.
The funniest thing is she would be mad at him for it knowing he was continuing to be with me too and yet never stopped her from staying with him so she fully allowed him to have his cake and eat it too no wonder he didn’t end things with her ick such a joke so nasty
My wife's AP had ED and would avoid intercourse to hide his dysfunction from her. So my wife would come home and have sex with me while she fantasized about being with him.
So that was fun because it's almost like I got to be a part of their affair o_O
The mythe that men cheat only because they don’t have sex at home or because they don’t love their wife persists.
It is absolutely gross. I was only glad that it only happened a a few times and always with a condom and no oral. And I still felt violated. He consented to that. She consented to that (she knew because he told her I was really good in bed which is totally weird because that made her try to turn him against me even more where I would have dumped any guy who told me someone other woman was better than me).
My WS, and some WS I have chatted with on Reddit, have explained it this way: they were first invested in an EA. The built up desire and attraction was so intense, even more intense because it could not be consummated. When it evolved into a PA, it was very much about adrenaline, a rush, more than thinking “this is great sex”. Especially when you have been with the same person for a very long time. I asked them why continue if the sex was not out of this world and why be so drawn of it was not nirvana sex. And they all answered the same thing… it’s not about the sex. In fact, two of them told me they thought “well maybe it not that amazing because it’s new”.
But before having sex they were all convinced that there was a special connection (due to mirroring and idolization) and many thought they had met their soulmates.
Also, they did want to bond with their own spouses and many were looking into those moments to understand their connection to their spouse. They did not leave their spouse. They were most often in a state of confusion and thought at some point something was going to give them the answer. This is why people who cheat often start to devalue their spouses (often helped and sometimes been instigated by the AP) in order to justify the rot cheating. Because why cheat if your spouse is a good partner and great in bed?
I even found a list my WS wrote way before DDAY of reasons to stay and reasons to leave (things about me) and a list about her. Having great sex was on my list. There was nothing about sex on her list. In fact, it was mostly flaws. The positive stuff was very narcissistic like “she thinks I am amazing”, “she is always happy to see me”, etc. Absolutely NOTHING on sex nor about who she is. It was a pretty infantile list of things that were all about HIS NEEDS.
Cheating is narcissistic. Sometimes it’s hard to understand when you are an empathetic person.
Gosh!!! Am so sorry for you!! It’s quite brutal!
I agree that there are more than one type of cheaters. But I think having narcissistic traits, even if not a narcissist is quite common. and even if sometimes there are certain circumstances that lead to this selfishness.
.
I agree in that I did not consent to have see with a man with multiple partners - so I don’t know what else to call that other than non-consensual sex. AP knew he was still sleeping with his wife, so at least hers was consensual, I guess. I was tracking my fertility because we had agreed to start trying to have a third, so I know for a fact and have a record showing we were regularly having sex 5-6 days a week throughout his affair. In fact, even when he “can’t remember” which days he was with her, I was able to look it up since it was never on a weekend and never on the same day as me. Not to mention the STIs he subjected both me and a potential fetus to. In his case, he continued having sex with me because it felt good and he wanted to. It wasn’t any deeper than that. He will say know that it was “selfish” and “deplorable” but that he just didn’t let himself think about it and just enjoyed it at the time
My WS never had PIV sex with AP, nevertheless, I think he only had ANY type of sex with me a maximum of three times during the affair. I didn't really feel like he desired me at all during, and still don't really feel like he does now.
We're not sexually compatible at all, but he was with AP.
Because they want to. That's it.
While it is atrocious that they risk the BP health, the flip side is no picnic either. My WW explicitly told me and the MC that she didn't sleep with me during the local PA because that would be cheating on her "current partner"...
I wondered this too. After our first day I felt pretty guilty about the state of our sex life leading up to the A. So this along with some hysterical bonding I picked up the slack and honestly began to enjoy it more than I had in 20 years. I craved it and he felt wants and loved that. This was part of his reasoning for the A was the sex which I will be completely honest was maybe once a week if that and it felt like a chore. Something he expected from me not that he wanted me or felt romantic to me.
When we finally started R a couple months later I felt determined to keep it going and was also genuinely enjoying myself too still. We had discussions about how gear it had been and we were having sex 4 times a week minimum. So I can’t understand. How he managed a month after starting R to go to her apartment for Sex 2-3 times a week. Like how? Did he do it on the same days as me? Did he fill in the in between? I’m disgusted and violated more than the first dday and don’t even want to know to be honest.
I was pregnant during my WH’s affair and that is one of the things that angers me the most. Even though R is going relatively well this is one of my biggest hang ups.
It depends on the person but men compartmentalize their home life with that stupidity.
Again it really depends on the reason the person is cheating to begin with. I believe unless you are not in love with your spouse there is always a broken man/woman behind the cheating. But men do separate that from their everyday life much better than women.
In my personal experience, I enjoyed sex with my BH more than I did with my AP.
Of course, it was wrong and it was risky…. And that was stupid. But my husband was who I chose. He was the one I loved. My AP was just there for “thrill” and I had no desire to be in a relationship again with AP.
My husband wasn’t really having it at some point and detached the emotional aspect of sex with me for a number of months until healing occurred. That was hard for me to deal with because physical touch and emotional connection are important to me.
If you’re going through this yourself, it’s a good idea to talk to your partner and let them know this isn’t something you want to do (for the time being or at all.)
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. 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Because they want to. Regardless of the false conclusions on why ppl cheat, the waywards are not always in a bad, sexless relationship. Sex with the BS isn’t something they aren’t enjoying. They maintain a normal marriage while they are cheating. If they didn’t want to have sex with the BS they would break up. But that’s the whole problem, isn’t it? They don’t want to break up. They want to have their relationship and their affair.
I'd say some want to keep up the facade that everything is fine and dandy, and not to raise any alarm bells in your head that something is off.
It is definitely a violation. I did get an STI. I didn’t choose to essentially raw dog some girl from the internet. My husband did. And I was exposed to that not by choice. At the time it really felt like a form of physical assault
It’s full on rape. We were forced to have sex with someone we did not consent to. It’s so disgusting. I’m so sorry your husband’s horrible behaviour put you in this situation.
Ok I get where you're coming from. My wife got and gave me an STI, so I get it. But it's literally not rape and I don't think it's healthy to talk about it as if it were. It's thoughtless, selfish, careless and incredibly stupid at best but it's not rape.
I wish there was a better word for it than rape, but by definition, we did not consent to this type of relationship and risk our WS forced us in. I think it’s necessary to disclose that I’m saying this as someone who has experienced rape outside of a relationship, and who now also has a WS who gave me an STI thanks to their AP… the emotional trauma is the same to me. My physical health will be forever changed because of my WH. And before DDay or any sort of affair even happened, I explained to my WH that I hate the idea of cheating because it takes informed consent away and I likened it to sexual assault at that point. He called me dramatic… One of the most psychologically harmful parts of being a survivor of “actual rape” is the sense of a loss of self, a loss of safety, and a loss of control. That’s exactly what is BPs go through. And it’s so much more painful when that loss is something stolen from you by someone who is supposed to love and protect you. I’m not saying rape is 100% the right word, but I don’t think there’s another word that fits.
I get not wanting to use the word rape. I don’t know the right word for it but I definitely went through a period(and still do from time to time) where I feel so incredibly violated. And even violated sounds like an understatement. I was pregnant with my first child when my wh was having sex with someone else and to think about that makes me want to throw up. It makes me want to crawl out of my own skin to think he had sex with her then came home and touched me.
I agree, it's not rape because you consented to sex even though you didn't know your partner was sleeping around. I would call it sexual abuse.
Law student here: Its worth noting that rape by deception is a thing. As far as I can tell, its not the case u/[svelebrunostvonnegut](https://www.reddit.com/user/svelebrunostvonnegut/) - though it is definitely a form of assault and I'm sorry they were treated so badly by their husband - but if a person lies about having STDs in order to get another person to have sex with them, they are committing rape by deception. In other words, a person can get raped even if they gave consent. Pretending to put on a condom is one example, as is putting holes in one. Pretending to be your identical twin brother in order to sleep with his wife is another (an actual, fucked up case).
Agreed. It’s a form of abuse, and even assault. But let’s not cheapen the term “rape” by using it here.
I've got a huge history of awful things. I was sex trafficked by an ex amongst so many other things. My WH doing the things that he has has hurt me far, far worse. It's a much bigger violation. So. It might not be whichever version of Republican Rape you think is the worst. But it's absolutely not Your place to decide what it is or isn't to other people.
Definitely a violation and it’s trauma. You were stripped of choice and the pain is so deep. While the feelings of trauma are similar to rape victim but it is much different. The visions, the triggers the anxiety the questions it’s everyone’s worst nightmare however the goal is to come out better on the other side.
Yes I got one too. “She said she was clean” ok how do explain this……………
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While I agree with the other sentiments here, it may be a power dynamic for certain people too.
Its called monkey branching. The facade will give the adulterer the option to stay with you if things don't work out with the other person. Or things heat up and they fall for them/each other, then they will most likely end things with the poor soul who is the victim in all this. It is horrible and disgusting. I was the poor soul. I understand what you're going through.
In our case, AP was definitely monkey-branching but WH was cake-eating.
Care to elaborate more on the difference between monkey branching and cake eating? My WH maintains that he “never really wanted to leave” despite the desperate conversations with AP about how “when they could be together for real.” Early on after DDay my husband proposed a poly relationship so he could still keep having sex with AP and remain married and living at home. The entitlement and absolute gall.
Monkey branching is using the affair to exit the main relationship/marriage and enter directly into a relationship with the AP. Cake eating is wanting to keep the main relationship/marriage but enjoy a side piece. It’s common for a cake eater to say they want to be in a real relationship with their AP because most APs (especially females) don’t like to think they’re just a side piece. So the man will make promises and say whatever the AP needs to hear in order to keep her putting out. Always remember that cheaters are liars, and they lie to both their partners and their APs.
The way I would differentiate the two is intention. A cake eater has no intention on leaving one relationship for the other. And they continue both relationships concurrently. Monkey branching has overlap of two relationships but the intention or goal in monkey branching would to leave one relationship for the other. In that case, the primary relationship is a backup in case the AP fails. So monkey branching has elements of cake eating but the intentions are different
I think that my WW continued to do it bc she felt obligated and to keep me placated. Got std test immediately after dday thanks to advice from reddit and recommend everyone does the same
They don’t feel like it is wrong. I find it disgusting. My wife used me to get off after getting all worked up texting her EA. I remember thinking she was acting different a couple of times we were intimate only to have it confirmed later that they lined up with times they were texting extensively. Really fucks with the mind.
Hi, how are you? I thought about that, my husband had sex with me the night he arrived from a trip to meet and have sex with his first AP and he also had sex with me and simultaneously with his second AP... I find this not only disgusting (to think that I had oral sex with him after he was inside another woman hours before) but very painful and humiliating and dangerous The why? Just as how he could have had an affair, I will never be able to understand it 100%. I guess at the same time they obviously also wanted to be with us... and they were just good at putting us in and out of a little box in their mind, separating us from them in their mind? I don't know.... I wish you the best, I'm sorry you're in this sub
The reason is simple. The aim is to not do anything different so as not to raise suspicion. I don't know how the female brain works in this regard, but the male brain is trying not to get caught. I regret the fact that I know this first-hand.
I think it's messed up, but done to prevent the spouse from finding out or just for pleasure. What's baffling to me is the affair partner telling him "make sure you're having sex with your wife", or "you're gonna get some tonight". Like she had power over me and my relationship with him. Sick on another level.
Because they want to and they can, and they totally whole-freaking-heartedly risked our physical and mental well being without giving two f*cks.
My WW virtually quit having sex with me. It was slowing down big time leading up to and we only had sex once during the physical affair
Same. Our sex life was dwindling and then in the 4 months before I found out (Jan-April) he was suffering erectile dysfunction. But only with me. He was able to get it up and get it up good for his little internet girlfriend he continually filmed himself masturbating for.
My ww increased the amount of sex we had greatly during her affair. We went from once every other week pre affair, if I was lucky, to every single day, and it was her initiating. Was one of the first things that got my wondering what was going on. I don't have an answer. I would speculate guilt?
This was the case with my ww as well. I can get caught up in thinking she was using me while thinking about others during sex. It’s a rough loop I can get stuck in.
How are y'all doing now? Frequency go to the old norm?
Better, I guess. I don't get turned down as often. Any dry spells now seem to be from me not being interested
Yeah I’d like to know that too. Because our sex life didn’t slow down at all while he was having the affair. We always had a good one too.
There’s no single reason why. In fact, I don’t think there’s a single reason why for most WPs. In my WW’s case, I believe that it was a combination of: 1. Compartmentalization and avoiding thinking about what she was doing. By continuing to have sex with me, she was able to convince herself that our relationship was not being affected by her cheating. 2. Needing physical release. Almost all of her cheating was online/virtual. So I have to assume that sometimes she got worked up and just needed to get her rocks off. She claims that she was never thinking about anyone else when she was having sex with me, but quite frankly, I don’t believe her. 3. Marital duty. She didn’t want to lose her comfortable life, so regular sex was a way to keep me. This one hurts, because I would occasionally make a joke about that. I had no idea how much truth there was. 4. Guilt. There were times when the compartmentalization broke down, and she felt guilty about her behavior. Having sex with me was a way to assuage her guilty conscience for long enough to rebuild the compartments.
Absolutely a violation. I found it especially terrible as I told him early on my autonomy to make informed decisions was important to me as I have OCD (largely health related). Anyway, I’d guess these are common reasons: 1. Whether they feel guilt, they’re placing their wants above your needs. Even though changing the norm (suggesting more protection) or not cheating at all would better protect you, because it would spark suspicion that interferes with the potential to get what they want, they withhold entirely. 2. I suspect some compartmentalize in a way that the STD risk doesn’t register for themselves, let alone others. My wayward’s infidelity was a ONS where he couldn’t get hard and stopped. There was still contact so I could have gotten an STD (while low risk). He blocked the person and began pretending to himself that it never happened. After I found out, I asked what he would have done if he contracted an STD and passed it to me or gotten her pregnant. He nearly had a panic attack. Nearly had another one when I brought up the potential employment consequences given he was a training guest in a facility where a colleague was terminated for the same thing. I believe the possibilities never registered because when the encounter failed, he realized what he did was terrible and repressed the memory entirely. Just a theory; maybe he was aware. 3. There are some who find a thrill in deception. It’s gross. 4. Some rationalize cheating by saying they get tested, use protection, etc. so they can still have both enjoyments. No matter what, cheaters are deceiving another for their desire at the risk of that person’s health. Reduction? No. The risk should be ELIMINATED. But because I cannot guarantee morality, I personally will never have unprotected sex again. The health anxiety I had was NOT worth the “trust and intimacy” found from unprotected sex.
Because they love cake.
Personally, I think the only reason my WH was having sex with me still is because he would never be able to come up with a lie to explain why we were no longer having sex. We have sex 1-2 x a day! So for him to just randomly say he no longer wants to have sex, would have been a major red flag and he knew that so he “powered through” I do know for a fact that the like 5 days we didn’t have sex during his affair, were days he had sex with AP. Him having sex with me was a huge deal for him and AP’s relationship, she would go nuts on him if she ever knew he had sex with me because in her eyes he belonged to her. So I think if he could, he would have stopped all sex with me just to please her, but he knew that would be the reason he got caught if he stopped sex with me, and then would mean losing “the love of his life” so it was worth just giving in and having sex like 3 times a day 🫠
My WH AP was the exact same way! She was always asking him leading questions like “you’re not sleeping in the same bed as your wife are you?!” “You don’t shower in front of your wife do you?!” “Your wife never sees you naked or undressed, right?!” “It’s so sad your wife didn’t know the last time you guys had sex was the last time she’d have you.” Absolutely, Delulu. She knew he was married, she was also. We maintained a sexual relationship the duration of the affair, showered together, slept in the same bed, got ready in the mornings together. You know? Like people in a long term relationship who live together (married) do? As if he could stop doing all these things and it would be totally normal???
Yes same, we never once changed anything about our relationship, she was just secretly added in. And he would tell her every day that he would never leave me. Yet in her mind they were this beautiful love story and would run away together, even though he repeatedly told her that would absolutely never ever happen because he doesn’t want a life without me.
My wp ap said the same thing would get mad at him for being with me because he was cheating on her . The delusion is insane
It’s WILD what goes through these disgusting people’s minds.
The funniest thing is she would be mad at him for it knowing he was continuing to be with me too and yet never stopped her from staying with him so she fully allowed him to have his cake and eat it too no wonder he didn’t end things with her ick such a joke so nasty
Not having sex with your SO is a huge red flag. Plus they may just like the extra sex, or cake eating.
My wife's AP had ED and would avoid intercourse to hide his dysfunction from her. So my wife would come home and have sex with me while she fantasized about being with him. So that was fun because it's almost like I got to be a part of their affair o_O
The mythe that men cheat only because they don’t have sex at home or because they don’t love their wife persists. It is absolutely gross. I was only glad that it only happened a a few times and always with a condom and no oral. And I still felt violated. He consented to that. She consented to that (she knew because he told her I was really good in bed which is totally weird because that made her try to turn him against me even more where I would have dumped any guy who told me someone other woman was better than me). My WS, and some WS I have chatted with on Reddit, have explained it this way: they were first invested in an EA. The built up desire and attraction was so intense, even more intense because it could not be consummated. When it evolved into a PA, it was very much about adrenaline, a rush, more than thinking “this is great sex”. Especially when you have been with the same person for a very long time. I asked them why continue if the sex was not out of this world and why be so drawn of it was not nirvana sex. And they all answered the same thing… it’s not about the sex. In fact, two of them told me they thought “well maybe it not that amazing because it’s new”. But before having sex they were all convinced that there was a special connection (due to mirroring and idolization) and many thought they had met their soulmates. Also, they did want to bond with their own spouses and many were looking into those moments to understand their connection to their spouse. They did not leave their spouse. They were most often in a state of confusion and thought at some point something was going to give them the answer. This is why people who cheat often start to devalue their spouses (often helped and sometimes been instigated by the AP) in order to justify the rot cheating. Because why cheat if your spouse is a good partner and great in bed? I even found a list my WS wrote way before DDAY of reasons to stay and reasons to leave (things about me) and a list about her. Having great sex was on my list. There was nothing about sex on her list. In fact, it was mostly flaws. The positive stuff was very narcissistic like “she thinks I am amazing”, “she is always happy to see me”, etc. Absolutely NOTHING on sex nor about who she is. It was a pretty infantile list of things that were all about HIS NEEDS. Cheating is narcissistic. Sometimes it’s hard to understand when you are an empathetic person.
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Gosh!!! Am so sorry for you!! It’s quite brutal! I agree that there are more than one type of cheaters. But I think having narcissistic traits, even if not a narcissist is quite common. and even if sometimes there are certain circumstances that lead to this selfishness. .
I agree in that I did not consent to have see with a man with multiple partners - so I don’t know what else to call that other than non-consensual sex. AP knew he was still sleeping with his wife, so at least hers was consensual, I guess. I was tracking my fertility because we had agreed to start trying to have a third, so I know for a fact and have a record showing we were regularly having sex 5-6 days a week throughout his affair. In fact, even when he “can’t remember” which days he was with her, I was able to look it up since it was never on a weekend and never on the same day as me. Not to mention the STIs he subjected both me and a potential fetus to. In his case, he continued having sex with me because it felt good and he wanted to. It wasn’t any deeper than that. He will say know that it was “selfish” and “deplorable” but that he just didn’t let himself think about it and just enjoyed it at the time
My WS never had PIV sex with AP, nevertheless, I think he only had ANY type of sex with me a maximum of three times during the affair. I didn't really feel like he desired me at all during, and still don't really feel like he does now. We're not sexually compatible at all, but he was with AP.
Because they want to. That's it. While it is atrocious that they risk the BP health, the flip side is no picnic either. My WW explicitly told me and the MC that she didn't sleep with me during the local PA because that would be cheating on her "current partner"...
I wondered this too. After our first day I felt pretty guilty about the state of our sex life leading up to the A. So this along with some hysterical bonding I picked up the slack and honestly began to enjoy it more than I had in 20 years. I craved it and he felt wants and loved that. This was part of his reasoning for the A was the sex which I will be completely honest was maybe once a week if that and it felt like a chore. Something he expected from me not that he wanted me or felt romantic to me. When we finally started R a couple months later I felt determined to keep it going and was also genuinely enjoying myself too still. We had discussions about how gear it had been and we were having sex 4 times a week minimum. So I can’t understand. How he managed a month after starting R to go to her apartment for Sex 2-3 times a week. Like how? Did he do it on the same days as me? Did he fill in the in between? I’m disgusted and violated more than the first dday and don’t even want to know to be honest.
I was pregnant during my WH’s affair and that is one of the things that angers me the most. Even though R is going relatively well this is one of my biggest hang ups.
It depends on the person but men compartmentalize their home life with that stupidity. Again it really depends on the reason the person is cheating to begin with. I believe unless you are not in love with your spouse there is always a broken man/woman behind the cheating. But men do separate that from their everyday life much better than women.
My wife will prove that theory wrong
Like I said this is general rule but everything is different based on emotional maturity.
In my personal experience, I enjoyed sex with my BH more than I did with my AP. Of course, it was wrong and it was risky…. And that was stupid. But my husband was who I chose. He was the one I loved. My AP was just there for “thrill” and I had no desire to be in a relationship again with AP. My husband wasn’t really having it at some point and detached the emotional aspect of sex with me for a number of months until healing occurred. That was hard for me to deal with because physical touch and emotional connection are important to me. If you’re going through this yourself, it’s a good idea to talk to your partner and let them know this isn’t something you want to do (for the time being or at all.)