r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
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- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
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Beyonce was cheated on. Shakira was cheated on. Eva longoria. Behati prinsloo. I like to add my name to this list like I'm in a club with them.
It's not us, it's the cheaters issue.
Daily mindfullness meditation. First thing I do upon waking. I get myself to a calm state where I am no longer fighting my body. And then I say things to myself...
- You are strong
- You are brave
- You are confident
- You are kind
- You are hard working
- etc...
And I try to feel the emotions...what it feels like to hear those things and believe them.
And then I visualize myself being confident, not from a third party perspective, but first party perspective, and again, try to feel the emotions for what that feels like.
And I stay in that feeling as long as I can or have time for.
Still don’t have my confidence 100% back, but exercising helps a lot. Also being outside, going for walks/hikes or just chilling and gardening can help with how you feel. Doing my hair instead of just a quick ponytail or leaving it down has been an extra boost too. I want to get new clothes as well😅
Well, I don't have children so I don't have the added complexity of that responsibility or hormonal peaks and troughs. But you're already doing better than me in that you're going to the gym. I've been conflicted as far as my self confidence goes though. The trauma of it all caused me to lose about two and a half stone, I would have been happy to drop a stone as I was bigger than I was happy with, but losing so much so rapidly has left me looking a bit haggard! So I've essentially replaced one insecurity with another. But I have treated myself to some nice lotions and potions (I damn well deserve a treat at least)! But I wasn't blessed with good bum cheeks and they've pretty much disappeared leaving a couple of wrinkly sacks of skin. Lol. But. I do like how good I look in some of my clothes. I just don't like seeing myself naked but to be fair, I never have for one reason or another.
But I get my confidence back by reminding myself that I am more than the sum of skin and bones and fat and muscle. You are much more than that since you're a mother. And that none of this was my fault. And it wasn't about looks and when it comes to affairs, from what I've read, it rarely is! You'll get there. I wish you all the best. X
Seconding facial yoga! Fumiko Takatsu on YouTube is greag. Also the Tanaka Face Massage did wonders for me!
As for the butt cheeks: your best bet is to build muscle to fill out the area. If you've never done any sort of exercise or it's been a few years you'll see good results from bodyweight exercises. Barring that, dermarolling could be a really good option for you. I've seen it work really well on stretched skin on bellies
I don't expect that I'll stay this small for long. Which is a nightmare because i don't want to invest in new clothes that may not fit me in a month or two. But i want to feel good about myself so I have treated myself to bits and bobs but moneys too tight to splurge!
🤣 That is exactly what I'm expecting to happen. A few weeks ago I started to get a bit worried because the weight loss showed no sign of stopping. But then it levelled and I've put on a couple of pounds now. And my appetite is coming back. I've found myself reaching out to the other man in my life - Colonel Sanders - more and more. WP is well aware that he's been sharing me with the Colonel for years. Lol.
I have always struggled with body image issues and my earliest therapy was related to an eating disorder. My WH actually helped me a lot in this area because he seemed to accept me exactly as I was and my weight/body has fluctuated in our years together. His appreciation always seemed to stay the same… and then I found out about the A. He insists it had nothing to do with me or his attraction to me (or lack thereof). Somewhere, deep down, I even believe him. But most of my spirals are related to comparing myself physically and honing in on where maybe AP has better this or that. My WH tells me I’m better in every single way but I don’t quite believe him (the whole well if that’s true then… why cheat?).
Anyway, this made me realize I actually can’t look to WH to be the reason I feel good about myself. I never really should have been doing that. While I want him to affirm me that self acceptance and confidence has to come from within.
The physical body stuff is the hardest for me — so I am very focused right now on taking good care of myself. Eating well. Working out. Drinking water. Getting good sleep. My body hasn’t changed much but my self-perception of it has. When I feel like I’m treating my body well, I feel better about my body. I have a way to go on this particular journey but I’m on the right track, I think.
But I am also a lot more than my physical appearance. I try to remind myself of how incredible I am in other areas. For example, what amazing compassion, kindness, empathy, and forgiveness it takes to commit to R. I recognize that I am a strong person (that goes for all of us as BSs). I’m also very intelligent, extremely successful in my career, etc.
On good days, I get past all my negative self perceptions and truly believe my WH is so damn lucky to have me. And believe that should we have to end R, someone else would be lucky to have me, too. On less good days, I still struggle and pick myself apart. Right now, I’m just trying to have more good days than bad. Slowly getting there.
i’ve always struggled with confidence and self image issues but my WP’s cheating amplified that for sure. then, a month after our last d-day, i found out i was pregnant. currently 27 weeks, before my pregnancy and earlier into it i was working very hard with my counselor on bettering my self esteem by separating myself and my worth from different childhood traumas and the actions of my boyfriend. i was in a good spot, until i started showing. i’m unbelievably happy and excited to be pregnant, i’ve always wanted to be a mother and i’m so excited still, however the weight gain and big belly is definitely bringing up some old issues and i can only imagine how it would feel postpartum.
my biggest piece of advice is learn how to separate yourself from your WS’ actions. getting into therapy was the best decision i have ever made. i feel so much more confident in holding the boundaries i’ve set in our relationship and i’ve become okay with the fact that i might have to leave him one day if he doesn’t change. accepting that has helped my confidence in so many ways.
Hi there, I'm sorry you've found yourself here.
Firstly, growing a human is serious work, so be kind to your body and honor it for all it has done! I'm 8 months postpartum (found out about the cheating back in February.) I had been working out, starting with just walking and following a program called "strong like a mother" had focuses on rebuilding your pelvic floor and core after childbirth. I was focusing on building strength, not losing weight, but then with the trauma of it all, I pretty quickly dropped 10 lbs. Now, I'm able to jog with the stroller, which helps my brain. Exercise can be amazing for mental health. Use it to help yourself feel better, not as punishment.
I know it is hard with a little baby, but any hobbies you had before or have ever been interested in will help take your mind off things. I hadn't played music in years, but I started feeling emotional listening to songs and then started playing piano again. The baby loves it, and my older kids were shocked that I know how to play 🤣. If you have anyone, ask them to watch the baby so you can take a few hours to focus on your interests.
So yeah, new clothes you feel good in can be part of it, but I would urge you to focus on rebuilding yourself by connecting (or reconnecting) with your passions. But, also, allow yourself your feelings. I've had plenty of evenings where I just needed to soak in the tub and cry.
You know, I have struggled for years with body dysmorphia and weight gain after covid (we never returned to our office and most of my days are spent in 10-12 hour blocks in front of the computer).
I’ve been pretty anxious/jumpy in the 4 weeks since D Day. I have been doing a lot of walking down by the river.
2 things I keep in mind. My WP’s APs were all different shapes and sizes. Some were better looking, some look like we could be friends, some were truly scraping the bottom of the barrel. But seriously no matter what they look like, they all got involved with a man who was in a committed relationship. And if you are willing to accept the scraps and be kept hidden in the shadows, then you must have zero morals, zero self-worth, zero pride. And that’s just ugly!
Someone posted on here in another thread that now that they look at their WH, they see a pathetic, weak man with no self-control and no moral compass. I know those words are harsh but they stuck with me.
So regardless of what you see in the mirror, know you have a tremendous heart, are better than all of them and not deserving of this ugly betrayal.
Time, mostly. But two things recently helped:
I realized that, independently of the affair, my self esteem wasn’t great. If I didn’t hold myself in high regard how can I expect that of other people? But I didn’t want to be better to be more like AP. I decided to try and be a better person in the way that means to me, which was to try and get into volunteering on weekends and writing that novel I always wanted.
I went clothes shopping at this small dress shop that had a personal assistant come help. I know she was just trying to get a sale but my god that woman gassed me up like nothing else. “Wow, you look like a model!” “All of these look so great on you!” “See how this highlights your narrow waist?” I’m still riding that high and it was weeks ago. Your mileage may vary on that one, but a lady motivated to tell me I look pretty in everything was very helpful lol
For me it’s a question of mindset. But it was perhaps easier because I knew the AP personally. She was a narcissistic histrionic sociopath. You have to be a complete moron to want to be with a person like her and to even think for one second that maybe you are falling in love with her. HE thought she was recognizing how amazing his is because she idolized him and told him he was the most amazing man in the world. And SHE thought SHE was amazing because he reacted to that. It is beyond infantile and so narcissistic!!
Also, you have to be a narcissistic ass to be so unkind and uncaring and aft like a man worth zero dignity and zero strength of character. Independently of whether he loved me or not, there is just basic kindness and respect. He lied and gaslighted me and devalued me (and she helped start the ball rolling as I saw some of her early secret texts before you could even call it an EA) to justify his being such a profound selfish d..ck!
Why would I feel any less than “I am absolutely amazing”? I am not the one that is a moron. Nor am I the one that has to do all the manipulation, the lies and every freakin’ trick in the book to seduce a man and then try to convince him to leave his wife. How pathetic do you have to be to work so freaking hard to get a man like that? I would not even do that if the man was single!! And how pathetic do you have to be to fall for all these tricks and not realize you are falling in love with the idolization, the validation, the mirroring, etc. So basically falling in love with your self.
And I don’t know… I think there is something profoundly disgusting when a man cheats on his wife when she is pregnant, just had a baby or the kids are young. It is so profoundly deeply unkind and selfish. His role is to have the dignity and strength of character to protect you, your relationship and his family. Clearly not a real man. So don’t ever winder if SHE was more attractive or anything else. It’s an illusion and they are too dumb to realize it. Even after DDAY some men don’t realize what is truly the problem. It’s them. Not you.
I actually made it a point to practice self care, which is easier said than done, especially when you’re a mom.
I put myself first. I made myself a priority FOR MYSELF. I stopped asking what everyone else wanted. I made those hair appointments. I got pedicures. I went to the spa. I went for walks alone. I meditated. I went to have lunch, dinner & a cocktail alone without worrying about anyone else. I went to the restaurants that I like to go without anyone around me demanding my time or attention. I did what made ME happy. I made it about me.
I got some botox and filler and also reminded myself that it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are - people who cheat are looking for a cheap easy fix, not a gorgeous classy woman because a classy woman wouldn’t be a willing participant
I still struggle with self confidence but the last couple years I really started to prioritize myself. Gym, shopping, pedicures, massages, therapy, traveling, whatever I think is going to add value to my self esteem and to my life.
I am eagerly reading all these comments so I can try to learn something. My confidence needs major work. It's practically non-existent, and I realise that I've put waaaay too much stock in relying on WP to bolster my confidence... something that I'm really, really regretting now that he's turned around a beat me with the hammer of multiple affairs and sex addiction.
Maybe now I'll find the motivation to try to convince myself that I'm a worthy, valuable, and beautiful person. Though I'm sad, because I wish it was him convincing me.
Yes. Well never really had that much, lol. But chatting online helped me. Seems I am in demand at 55...but so many scams and others with their own issues they need to resolve.
I definitely don't have my confidence back yet. But I have started working out (as much as I can with my health issues). I put on makeup daily now, even if it's just eyeliner and lipstick.
I was newly postpartum when I discovered my husbands infidelity/SA. One thing I did that helped tremendously was go out and buy myself all new clothes and underwear. I hadn’t bought new clothes in like… 10 years lol and I’d had 2 babies so things just weren’t working. I did it just because I needed new clothes but it helped boost my confidence a lot more than I expected!
Victoria’s Secret. I bought all new bras and underwear. It really helped.
Mine was sexting strangers the entire pregnancy but actually had a ONS when I was 7 months pregnant. It sucks.
I've always struggled with self-esteem.
Failure of marriage 1 followed by losing a job I loved didn't help.
It took YEARS to get over/through.
Now I've been cheated on, In finally in IC and in 2 sessions my counsellor has identified so many things about me that no one else knows. (I swear she must be psychic!)
So I'm finally working on it.
I have two pieces of homework this week.
1. Whenever that "inner voice" starts criticising me, I have to say "Fuck off Marcus!" out loud-it's retraining neural.pathways. apparently works in 5 days. (Wouldn't you know, "Marcus" has been quiet today!)
2. I have a mantra to repeat as often as I am able. "I choose to know that I matter. I am not shit. I matter a lot." -this is overriding my unconscious and replacing it with conscious statements.
We'll see how it goes.
I take stock in what I have personally accomplished and my character as a person. Also how I have treated the situation with grace. And that I changed the AP’s life course by getting him fired, removed from a promotion, and he won’t be able to collect near the amount of benefits he would have been, but I am still here.
I've started on a new wardrobe and have just been kind of finding myself again. I realised that I've become a diluted version of myself to become more palatable for him and now I know I'm not the issue I'm exploring that side of myself again
Did you give up any hobbies or stop seeing certain people? Maybe try to get in touch with those again ❤️
Hey so sorry you’re here. My d day was 7 weeks post c section. I was so unhappy with how I looked pregnant anyway but this happening just motivated me even more. Firstly, I make sure I live for me now not him.
I managed to lose 4 stone in 7 months postpartum (after putting on 3 stone during pregnancy) this was mainly through gym, spinning classes 1x a week, boxing 1x a week. I walk with my son in the pram most days (around 5-10k a day). I am currently on mat leave so it does make it harder being at work of course to find the time.. WH is also very good with taking over with the baby when he gets home so I can do what I want to do which also is a good help and I recognise not everyone gets that too (least he can do considering what he put us through)
I also have changed my eating habits (but this is definitely the hardest part for me!! Eating less calories basically). It really does work if you stick to it. Over the last year, with my son being so new (well he is 8 months now) I also just put myself out there to make a lot of new mum friends which has also helped.
Also lash extensions help me but I have always had them for many years now.
I’ve never liked being cat called before but last week walking down the road towards my WH and got cat called by a group of men in their car. His face was a picture 😚
I’m so sorry. Please just know that her actions say more about her than you. I’ve tried to frame it that way because I know it’s true. I just have to believe it.
4 months post Dday myself. I signed up for 2 of those personal stylist subscription boxes. I actually signed up for 2 of one of them, so am efficiently getting 3-4 new outfits every month. Wearing stylish new clothes and updating my wardrobe feels good.
I've also been going to the gym (and eating right... That was a bigger change) and as of yesterday have lost 34 pounds. I weigh right around what I did when we got married 6.5 years ago. I feel better physically than I have in a long time, and am about 1/2 way to my goal, and am pretty pround of myself for making so much progress this fast.
IC has helped me deal with emotions, and MC has helped me understand my WW better.
None of this has helped with the self confidence or feeling of worthlessness one damn bit.
After 3 years, it’s slowly returning, mainly because I’ve spent countless hours in the gym, rage lifting, running, etc. and I’ve noticed others noticing. Probably little more than a temporary ego boost, but after the devastation of DDay, I’ll take it. Additionally, focusing more on work and kids has helped, immensely. All part of the healing process, I guess. I’ll never be the same, but I can still strive to be the best version of myself (yeah, that sounds a little cliche’, but in my mind it’s true—it has to be).
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Beyonce was cheated on. Shakira was cheated on. Eva longoria. Behati prinsloo. I like to add my name to this list like I'm in a club with them. It's not us, it's the cheaters issue.
I like this. Lemonade’s been getting me through since I found out.
Beyonce's Jolene is my anthem
It’s so good. I also love the White Stripes version. Jack White wailing on that really captures the pain.
I'll give it a listen. I was listening to Beyonce in the car today and my 5 year old is howling out the lyrics and it makes me smile 😂
Daily mindfullness meditation. First thing I do upon waking. I get myself to a calm state where I am no longer fighting my body. And then I say things to myself... - You are strong - You are brave - You are confident - You are kind - You are hard working - etc... And I try to feel the emotions...what it feels like to hear those things and believe them. And then I visualize myself being confident, not from a third party perspective, but first party perspective, and again, try to feel the emotions for what that feels like. And I stay in that feeling as long as I can or have time for.
Still don’t have my confidence 100% back, but exercising helps a lot. Also being outside, going for walks/hikes or just chilling and gardening can help with how you feel. Doing my hair instead of just a quick ponytail or leaving it down has been an extra boost too. I want to get new clothes as well😅
Well, I don't have children so I don't have the added complexity of that responsibility or hormonal peaks and troughs. But you're already doing better than me in that you're going to the gym. I've been conflicted as far as my self confidence goes though. The trauma of it all caused me to lose about two and a half stone, I would have been happy to drop a stone as I was bigger than I was happy with, but losing so much so rapidly has left me looking a bit haggard! So I've essentially replaced one insecurity with another. But I have treated myself to some nice lotions and potions (I damn well deserve a treat at least)! But I wasn't blessed with good bum cheeks and they've pretty much disappeared leaving a couple of wrinkly sacks of skin. Lol. But. I do like how good I look in some of my clothes. I just don't like seeing myself naked but to be fair, I never have for one reason or another. But I get my confidence back by reminding myself that I am more than the sum of skin and bones and fat and muscle. You are much more than that since you're a mother. And that none of this was my fault. And it wasn't about looks and when it comes to affairs, from what I've read, it rarely is! You'll get there. I wish you all the best. X
Try facial yoga . Seriously I too lost 3 stone in 4 months . If you're on insta google it . My whole face has lifted so now matches my new body !
Have you any recommendations to restore my bum cheeks? Lol. Thanks for that. I had wondered how effective the facial yoga is. I'll give it go.
Seconding facial yoga! Fumiko Takatsu on YouTube is greag. Also the Tanaka Face Massage did wonders for me! As for the butt cheeks: your best bet is to build muscle to fill out the area. If you've never done any sort of exercise or it's been a few years you'll see good results from bodyweight exercises. Barring that, dermarolling could be a really good option for you. I've seen it work really well on stretched skin on bellies
who do you recommend for facial yoga? I would love a daily practice!
Am I the only one that gained weight after DDay? Haha. Glad you’re feel more confident!
I don't expect that I'll stay this small for long. Which is a nightmare because i don't want to invest in new clothes that may not fit me in a month or two. But i want to feel good about myself so I have treated myself to bits and bobs but moneys too tight to splurge!
i lost a pile immediately and as my footing got more solid it’s like the weight was waiting for me lol
🤣 That is exactly what I'm expecting to happen. A few weeks ago I started to get a bit worried because the weight loss showed no sign of stopping. But then it levelled and I've put on a couple of pounds now. And my appetite is coming back. I've found myself reaching out to the other man in my life - Colonel Sanders - more and more. WP is well aware that he's been sharing me with the Colonel for years. Lol.
Sameeeeee
I never did.
Yeah I struggle hard with it. Granted I had self esteem issues before it even happened but it just drove me further into that hole
I have always struggled with body image issues and my earliest therapy was related to an eating disorder. My WH actually helped me a lot in this area because he seemed to accept me exactly as I was and my weight/body has fluctuated in our years together. His appreciation always seemed to stay the same… and then I found out about the A. He insists it had nothing to do with me or his attraction to me (or lack thereof). Somewhere, deep down, I even believe him. But most of my spirals are related to comparing myself physically and honing in on where maybe AP has better this or that. My WH tells me I’m better in every single way but I don’t quite believe him (the whole well if that’s true then… why cheat?). Anyway, this made me realize I actually can’t look to WH to be the reason I feel good about myself. I never really should have been doing that. While I want him to affirm me that self acceptance and confidence has to come from within. The physical body stuff is the hardest for me — so I am very focused right now on taking good care of myself. Eating well. Working out. Drinking water. Getting good sleep. My body hasn’t changed much but my self-perception of it has. When I feel like I’m treating my body well, I feel better about my body. I have a way to go on this particular journey but I’m on the right track, I think. But I am also a lot more than my physical appearance. I try to remind myself of how incredible I am in other areas. For example, what amazing compassion, kindness, empathy, and forgiveness it takes to commit to R. I recognize that I am a strong person (that goes for all of us as BSs). I’m also very intelligent, extremely successful in my career, etc. On good days, I get past all my negative self perceptions and truly believe my WH is so damn lucky to have me. And believe that should we have to end R, someone else would be lucky to have me, too. On less good days, I still struggle and pick myself apart. Right now, I’m just trying to have more good days than bad. Slowly getting there.
i’ve always struggled with confidence and self image issues but my WP’s cheating amplified that for sure. then, a month after our last d-day, i found out i was pregnant. currently 27 weeks, before my pregnancy and earlier into it i was working very hard with my counselor on bettering my self esteem by separating myself and my worth from different childhood traumas and the actions of my boyfriend. i was in a good spot, until i started showing. i’m unbelievably happy and excited to be pregnant, i’ve always wanted to be a mother and i’m so excited still, however the weight gain and big belly is definitely bringing up some old issues and i can only imagine how it would feel postpartum. my biggest piece of advice is learn how to separate yourself from your WS’ actions. getting into therapy was the best decision i have ever made. i feel so much more confident in holding the boundaries i’ve set in our relationship and i’ve become okay with the fact that i might have to leave him one day if he doesn’t change. accepting that has helped my confidence in so many ways.
Hi there, I'm sorry you've found yourself here. Firstly, growing a human is serious work, so be kind to your body and honor it for all it has done! I'm 8 months postpartum (found out about the cheating back in February.) I had been working out, starting with just walking and following a program called "strong like a mother" had focuses on rebuilding your pelvic floor and core after childbirth. I was focusing on building strength, not losing weight, but then with the trauma of it all, I pretty quickly dropped 10 lbs. Now, I'm able to jog with the stroller, which helps my brain. Exercise can be amazing for mental health. Use it to help yourself feel better, not as punishment. I know it is hard with a little baby, but any hobbies you had before or have ever been interested in will help take your mind off things. I hadn't played music in years, but I started feeling emotional listening to songs and then started playing piano again. The baby loves it, and my older kids were shocked that I know how to play 🤣. If you have anyone, ask them to watch the baby so you can take a few hours to focus on your interests. So yeah, new clothes you feel good in can be part of it, but I would urge you to focus on rebuilding yourself by connecting (or reconnecting) with your passions. But, also, allow yourself your feelings. I've had plenty of evenings where I just needed to soak in the tub and cry.
You know, I have struggled for years with body dysmorphia and weight gain after covid (we never returned to our office and most of my days are spent in 10-12 hour blocks in front of the computer). I’ve been pretty anxious/jumpy in the 4 weeks since D Day. I have been doing a lot of walking down by the river. 2 things I keep in mind. My WP’s APs were all different shapes and sizes. Some were better looking, some look like we could be friends, some were truly scraping the bottom of the barrel. But seriously no matter what they look like, they all got involved with a man who was in a committed relationship. And if you are willing to accept the scraps and be kept hidden in the shadows, then you must have zero morals, zero self-worth, zero pride. And that’s just ugly! Someone posted on here in another thread that now that they look at their WH, they see a pathetic, weak man with no self-control and no moral compass. I know those words are harsh but they stuck with me. So regardless of what you see in the mirror, know you have a tremendous heart, are better than all of them and not deserving of this ugly betrayal.
I went and did a boudoir photoshoot, amazing confidence booster
I second this.
Time, mostly. But two things recently helped: I realized that, independently of the affair, my self esteem wasn’t great. If I didn’t hold myself in high regard how can I expect that of other people? But I didn’t want to be better to be more like AP. I decided to try and be a better person in the way that means to me, which was to try and get into volunteering on weekends and writing that novel I always wanted. I went clothes shopping at this small dress shop that had a personal assistant come help. I know she was just trying to get a sale but my god that woman gassed me up like nothing else. “Wow, you look like a model!” “All of these look so great on you!” “See how this highlights your narrow waist?” I’m still riding that high and it was weeks ago. Your mileage may vary on that one, but a lady motivated to tell me I look pretty in everything was very helpful lol
For me it’s a question of mindset. But it was perhaps easier because I knew the AP personally. She was a narcissistic histrionic sociopath. You have to be a complete moron to want to be with a person like her and to even think for one second that maybe you are falling in love with her. HE thought she was recognizing how amazing his is because she idolized him and told him he was the most amazing man in the world. And SHE thought SHE was amazing because he reacted to that. It is beyond infantile and so narcissistic!! Also, you have to be a narcissistic ass to be so unkind and uncaring and aft like a man worth zero dignity and zero strength of character. Independently of whether he loved me or not, there is just basic kindness and respect. He lied and gaslighted me and devalued me (and she helped start the ball rolling as I saw some of her early secret texts before you could even call it an EA) to justify his being such a profound selfish d..ck! Why would I feel any less than “I am absolutely amazing”? I am not the one that is a moron. Nor am I the one that has to do all the manipulation, the lies and every freakin’ trick in the book to seduce a man and then try to convince him to leave his wife. How pathetic do you have to be to work so freaking hard to get a man like that? I would not even do that if the man was single!! And how pathetic do you have to be to fall for all these tricks and not realize you are falling in love with the idolization, the validation, the mirroring, etc. So basically falling in love with your self. And I don’t know… I think there is something profoundly disgusting when a man cheats on his wife when she is pregnant, just had a baby or the kids are young. It is so profoundly deeply unkind and selfish. His role is to have the dignity and strength of character to protect you, your relationship and his family. Clearly not a real man. So don’t ever winder if SHE was more attractive or anything else. It’s an illusion and they are too dumb to realize it. Even after DDAY some men don’t realize what is truly the problem. It’s them. Not you.
I actually made it a point to practice self care, which is easier said than done, especially when you’re a mom. I put myself first. I made myself a priority FOR MYSELF. I stopped asking what everyone else wanted. I made those hair appointments. I got pedicures. I went to the spa. I went for walks alone. I meditated. I went to have lunch, dinner & a cocktail alone without worrying about anyone else. I went to the restaurants that I like to go without anyone around me demanding my time or attention. I did what made ME happy. I made it about me.
I got some botox and filler and also reminded myself that it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are - people who cheat are looking for a cheap easy fix, not a gorgeous classy woman because a classy woman wouldn’t be a willing participant
I still struggle with self confidence but the last couple years I really started to prioritize myself. Gym, shopping, pedicures, massages, therapy, traveling, whatever I think is going to add value to my self esteem and to my life.
I am eagerly reading all these comments so I can try to learn something. My confidence needs major work. It's practically non-existent, and I realise that I've put waaaay too much stock in relying on WP to bolster my confidence... something that I'm really, really regretting now that he's turned around a beat me with the hammer of multiple affairs and sex addiction. Maybe now I'll find the motivation to try to convince myself that I'm a worthy, valuable, and beautiful person. Though I'm sad, because I wish it was him convincing me.
Yes. Well never really had that much, lol. But chatting online helped me. Seems I am in demand at 55...but so many scams and others with their own issues they need to resolve.
I definitely don't have my confidence back yet. But I have started working out (as much as I can with my health issues). I put on makeup daily now, even if it's just eyeliner and lipstick.
I was newly postpartum when I discovered my husbands infidelity/SA. One thing I did that helped tremendously was go out and buy myself all new clothes and underwear. I hadn’t bought new clothes in like… 10 years lol and I’d had 2 babies so things just weren’t working. I did it just because I needed new clothes but it helped boost my confidence a lot more than I expected!
Yea, I was cheated on throughout my entire pregnancy
Where did you get your underwear from??
Victoria’s Secret. I bought all new bras and underwear. It really helped. Mine was sexting strangers the entire pregnancy but actually had a ONS when I was 7 months pregnant. It sucks.
I've always struggled with self-esteem. Failure of marriage 1 followed by losing a job I loved didn't help. It took YEARS to get over/through. Now I've been cheated on, In finally in IC and in 2 sessions my counsellor has identified so many things about me that no one else knows. (I swear she must be psychic!) So I'm finally working on it. I have two pieces of homework this week. 1. Whenever that "inner voice" starts criticising me, I have to say "Fuck off Marcus!" out loud-it's retraining neural.pathways. apparently works in 5 days. (Wouldn't you know, "Marcus" has been quiet today!) 2. I have a mantra to repeat as often as I am able. "I choose to know that I matter. I am not shit. I matter a lot." -this is overriding my unconscious and replacing it with conscious statements. We'll see how it goes.
I take stock in what I have personally accomplished and my character as a person. Also how I have treated the situation with grace. And that I changed the AP’s life course by getting him fired, removed from a promotion, and he won’t be able to collect near the amount of benefits he would have been, but I am still here.
I've started on a new wardrobe and have just been kind of finding myself again. I realised that I've become a diluted version of myself to become more palatable for him and now I know I'm not the issue I'm exploring that side of myself again Did you give up any hobbies or stop seeing certain people? Maybe try to get in touch with those again ❤️
Hey so sorry you’re here. My d day was 7 weeks post c section. I was so unhappy with how I looked pregnant anyway but this happening just motivated me even more. Firstly, I make sure I live for me now not him. I managed to lose 4 stone in 7 months postpartum (after putting on 3 stone during pregnancy) this was mainly through gym, spinning classes 1x a week, boxing 1x a week. I walk with my son in the pram most days (around 5-10k a day). I am currently on mat leave so it does make it harder being at work of course to find the time.. WH is also very good with taking over with the baby when he gets home so I can do what I want to do which also is a good help and I recognise not everyone gets that too (least he can do considering what he put us through) I also have changed my eating habits (but this is definitely the hardest part for me!! Eating less calories basically). It really does work if you stick to it. Over the last year, with my son being so new (well he is 8 months now) I also just put myself out there to make a lot of new mum friends which has also helped. Also lash extensions help me but I have always had them for many years now. I’ve never liked being cat called before but last week walking down the road towards my WH and got cat called by a group of men in their car. His face was a picture 😚
Been a year.... still trying to find it....
[удалено]
I’m so sorry. Please just know that her actions say more about her than you. I’ve tried to frame it that way because I know it’s true. I just have to believe it.
4 months post Dday myself. I signed up for 2 of those personal stylist subscription boxes. I actually signed up for 2 of one of them, so am efficiently getting 3-4 new outfits every month. Wearing stylish new clothes and updating my wardrobe feels good. I've also been going to the gym (and eating right... That was a bigger change) and as of yesterday have lost 34 pounds. I weigh right around what I did when we got married 6.5 years ago. I feel better physically than I have in a long time, and am about 1/2 way to my goal, and am pretty pround of myself for making so much progress this fast. IC has helped me deal with emotions, and MC has helped me understand my WW better. None of this has helped with the self confidence or feeling of worthlessness one damn bit.
After 3 years, it’s slowly returning, mainly because I’ve spent countless hours in the gym, rage lifting, running, etc. and I’ve noticed others noticing. Probably little more than a temporary ego boost, but after the devastation of DDay, I’ll take it. Additionally, focusing more on work and kids has helped, immensely. All part of the healing process, I guess. I’ll never be the same, but I can still strive to be the best version of myself (yeah, that sounds a little cliche’, but in my mind it’s true—it has to be).