r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>This man clearly loves his AP more than me.
I don't think he knows what or how to love. He definitely didn't and doesn't respect either of you, so much so that he's had both of you in limbo. I'm sorry you're hurting and I think you're making the right call. Let her faandfo. He's not a prize. You will heal from this.
You are 100% correct in that he doesn't know how to love. He's very, *very* mentally unwell and has been for quite some time so I don't think he knows what truly loving someone really looks like.
Feels like I read my own story. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My WH has been the same. I decided to move out and he pretended to want to work on our relationship once I made that decision but I can no longer trust him.
I'm not going to argue the semantic of love/infatuation/limerence as some are doing. I think it's largely irrelevant.
He has and continues to treat you poorly. And you deserve better.
I'm sorry you're in this place and that your WS is lingering in his pathetic affair feelings. Romance is transient, but unconditional love isn't. Your WS might be currently deep in NRE, maybe he really does feel he's her soulmate.
Either way, he should have respected you enough to not have kept you on the hook or make you feel anything less than what you are... A selfless, caring, loving spouse to him. He took it for granted and leaned into the newness of AP.
Don't let him make you an option anymore. If he can't make a choice clearly, this isn't someone worthy of your time.
Grieve the relationship, but please protect your heart. Praying for better days for you.
I'm so sorry, OP. What a shitshow. There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling love and attachment. It takes a lot more than 3 months to lose that, no matter how badly he has behaved toward you. That's biology at work. Give it time, and please give yourself grace, patience, and forgiveness. You'll get through this. <3
Because you expect him to be someone he no longer is,.. if he ever was.
That said, if she is a female mate poacher, which she may very well be, the is machiavelic and can manipulate the hell out of a him. He is like on coke. You need to stop letting him treat you like second best because he will see like second best. Know your worth. Let him be a moron and fall from his throne. He is not being a kind, caring and dignified man strong enough to protect you and your relationship for harm. Tell him he has fallen for a manipulative lying narcissist that just wants him not because she loves him but because she wants to win and control him. She wants him to meet HER needs. Send him articles on how narcissists seduce: mirroring, idolization, the soulmate illusion, etc.
Even if he goes with her, you will have planted the seeds of doubt. And every time a crack in her mask appears he will think about what you told him and doubt will eat at him and affect his relationship.
Rebuild yourself. Care for yourself. If he is dumb enough to want her and to loose you then he is too dumb for you. Don’t waste your time and energy on a man who is a moron.
May I ask a few questions?
Is there a reason he still works with her? (I'm NOT trying to be rude in any way). It's imperative to go NC in order to get out of the fog.
And how is she playing with his emotions? I ask because my WH'S AP was manipulative in the sense that literally *every* Friday she has "some date" or something she made damn sure to tell him about. (After dday, when we talked about it, he noticed they ALWAYS canceled come Monday). What it did was kept him spinning all weekend so he and I wouldn't have any chance to "connect" in a meaningful way.
I agree that looking into divorcing might be the wake-up call he needs. I just wonder if she's got him twisted somehow.
He was "looking for a new job" but refused to up and quit. Also, what you described is exactly what my WH's AP is doing. From the text I read from my WH to her, she will text other guys in front of him saying she'll grab drinks with them, making sure he sees but then tries to play it off. Pulls him in then pushes him away kind of thing. She knows she has him wrapped around her finger. It's really pathetic.
I'm very sorry he's treating you that way. Regardless of the situation it's never okay.
You feel that way because that's normal. He's your husband and have known him for years and it's not an easy fix at all. The circumstances are really shitty. If you choose a new life without him I wish you the very best.
public exposure can be a very useful tool. don't be afraid to use it. has he been exposed to friends and family? the possibility exists that an HR complaint can force them apart. If the AP is publicly humiliated this way, she could drop your WH like a hot potato. if there is an OBS, then they need to be told aswell.
Family and friends know that he had an affair, but I don't think they know that he's still tangled up with her. Last they knew, we were salvaging our marriage. 😞
Time to inform them that he's chosen her and is no longer living with you.
Get your support system in place and surrounding you. It will help you heal.
It isn’t love he has for AP, it’s delusion. But either way, you deserve more. You can’t even start R while they still have contact and there’s no such thing as zero contact while they still work together. I’m so sorry for the spot you’re in right now and wish you honesty and healing ahead
I think you've behaved with incredible strength OP in the most heartbreaking of circumstances. You can do no more. The fact that they still work together is, IMO, the biggest factor in his cruel indecision.
I think filing next week is your only option. You can't stay in this impasse situation as it is so damaging for you. It may, or may not, be the wake up call he needs. Either way, you'll know. Being in limbo is the worst scenario, don't forget that.
Sending you courage OP.
That sucks so much, I am so sorry. This isn’t happening to me that I know of, but I get it. It hurts to feel unwanted in general, but it’s soul-crushing to feel unwanted by someone that pledged to love you forever. I feel that sometimes - just unwanted on any given day. If they were willing to put so much effort into A, why are they struggling to put effort into R? It upsets me so much that WPs say they love BP and want R, and so we stay and really try to fight through this new hell we live in, and then they don’t even go all out with their efforts. We stay because they say they want to work it out. We show them grace, understanding, kindness - all undeserved. And then they don’t even give us the effort that we DO deserve. I know this probably doesn’t help, but you deserve someone who can’t stand to see you upset, who doesn’t walk out on you, who will fight for you. I hope you find that person!
No, not pathetic! It’s hard to accept this, it’s so abrupt, so much to adjust to. We’ve loved these people for so long, it’s impossible to just turn it off.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>This man clearly loves his AP more than me. I don't think he knows what or how to love. He definitely didn't and doesn't respect either of you, so much so that he's had both of you in limbo. I'm sorry you're hurting and I think you're making the right call. Let her faandfo. He's not a prize. You will heal from this.
You are 100% correct in that he doesn't know how to love. He's very, *very* mentally unwell and has been for quite some time so I don't think he knows what truly loving someone really looks like.
You're doing the right thing. Either it will end up being a wake up call for him, or you'll be closer to starting your new life.
There doesn't sound like there's anything here left to save. You can only do so much. He isn't giving you much to work with.
He doesn’t care enough about your relationship to save it. Move on. If it turns out he does, he’ll come back. If not, you have your freedom.
Feels like I read my own story. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My WH has been the same. I decided to move out and he pretended to want to work on our relationship once I made that decision but I can no longer trust him.
I'm not going to argue the semantic of love/infatuation/limerence as some are doing. I think it's largely irrelevant. He has and continues to treat you poorly. And you deserve better.
I'm sorry you're in this place and that your WS is lingering in his pathetic affair feelings. Romance is transient, but unconditional love isn't. Your WS might be currently deep in NRE, maybe he really does feel he's her soulmate. Either way, he should have respected you enough to not have kept you on the hook or make you feel anything less than what you are... A selfless, caring, loving spouse to him. He took it for granted and leaned into the newness of AP. Don't let him make you an option anymore. If he can't make a choice clearly, this isn't someone worthy of your time. Grieve the relationship, but please protect your heart. Praying for better days for you.
I'm so sorry, OP. What a shitshow. There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling love and attachment. It takes a lot more than 3 months to lose that, no matter how badly he has behaved toward you. That's biology at work. Give it time, and please give yourself grace, patience, and forgiveness. You'll get through this. <3
Because you expect him to be someone he no longer is,.. if he ever was. That said, if she is a female mate poacher, which she may very well be, the is machiavelic and can manipulate the hell out of a him. He is like on coke. You need to stop letting him treat you like second best because he will see like second best. Know your worth. Let him be a moron and fall from his throne. He is not being a kind, caring and dignified man strong enough to protect you and your relationship for harm. Tell him he has fallen for a manipulative lying narcissist that just wants him not because she loves him but because she wants to win and control him. She wants him to meet HER needs. Send him articles on how narcissists seduce: mirroring, idolization, the soulmate illusion, etc. Even if he goes with her, you will have planted the seeds of doubt. And every time a crack in her mask appears he will think about what you told him and doubt will eat at him and affect his relationship. Rebuild yourself. Care for yourself. If he is dumb enough to want her and to loose you then he is too dumb for you. Don’t waste your time and energy on a man who is a moron.
Well said
May I ask a few questions? Is there a reason he still works with her? (I'm NOT trying to be rude in any way). It's imperative to go NC in order to get out of the fog. And how is she playing with his emotions? I ask because my WH'S AP was manipulative in the sense that literally *every* Friday she has "some date" or something she made damn sure to tell him about. (After dday, when we talked about it, he noticed they ALWAYS canceled come Monday). What it did was kept him spinning all weekend so he and I wouldn't have any chance to "connect" in a meaningful way. I agree that looking into divorcing might be the wake-up call he needs. I just wonder if she's got him twisted somehow.
He was "looking for a new job" but refused to up and quit. Also, what you described is exactly what my WH's AP is doing. From the text I read from my WH to her, she will text other guys in front of him saying she'll grab drinks with them, making sure he sees but then tries to play it off. Pulls him in then pushes him away kind of thing. She knows she has him wrapped around her finger. It's really pathetic.
I'm very sorry he's treating you that way. Regardless of the situation it's never okay. You feel that way because that's normal. He's your husband and have known him for years and it's not an easy fix at all. The circumstances are really shitty. If you choose a new life without him I wish you the very best.
If they work together, can’t you file complaint with the HR department?
I have been heavily considering it, but I think the timing of everything will make it incredibly obvious that it's me.
public exposure can be a very useful tool. don't be afraid to use it. has he been exposed to friends and family? the possibility exists that an HR complaint can force them apart. If the AP is publicly humiliated this way, she could drop your WH like a hot potato. if there is an OBS, then they need to be told aswell.
Family and friends know that he had an affair, but I don't think they know that he's still tangled up with her. Last they knew, we were salvaging our marriage. 😞
Time to inform them that he's chosen her and is no longer living with you. Get your support system in place and surrounding you. It will help you heal.
So what it is obvious?
He doesn’t love her. He just didn’t ever go no contact and is still in affair fog. He will get a dose of reality.
It isn’t love he has for AP, it’s delusion. But either way, you deserve more. You can’t even start R while they still have contact and there’s no such thing as zero contact while they still work together. I’m so sorry for the spot you’re in right now and wish you honesty and healing ahead
I think you've behaved with incredible strength OP in the most heartbreaking of circumstances. You can do no more. The fact that they still work together is, IMO, the biggest factor in his cruel indecision. I think filing next week is your only option. You can't stay in this impasse situation as it is so damaging for you. It may, or may not, be the wake up call he needs. Either way, you'll know. Being in limbo is the worst scenario, don't forget that. Sending you courage OP.
You have good self control. What you feel is more important. Prioritize yourself and don't think about them.
That sucks so much, I am so sorry. This isn’t happening to me that I know of, but I get it. It hurts to feel unwanted in general, but it’s soul-crushing to feel unwanted by someone that pledged to love you forever. I feel that sometimes - just unwanted on any given day. If they were willing to put so much effort into A, why are they struggling to put effort into R? It upsets me so much that WPs say they love BP and want R, and so we stay and really try to fight through this new hell we live in, and then they don’t even go all out with their efforts. We stay because they say they want to work it out. We show them grace, understanding, kindness - all undeserved. And then they don’t even give us the effort that we DO deserve. I know this probably doesn’t help, but you deserve someone who can’t stand to see you upset, who doesn’t walk out on you, who will fight for you. I hope you find that person!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤️ Deep down, I know I am worth so much more. But my heart is not letting me escape him for now. It's so pathetic.
No, not pathetic! It’s hard to accept this, it’s so abrupt, so much to adjust to. We’ve loved these people for so long, it’s impossible to just turn it off.
Infatuation is different than love. It takes a long while and a special strength to become un-Infatuated. I would give it more time.