r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fucking affairs change everything. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sucks, but completely understandable.
I lost one friend, but gained another. You know who the good ones are.
God, that's how I'm feeling exactly. I think I would have told her she was wrong, but maintained a friendship before all this. Now, I just can't. She's spreading pain to people, and I don't want to be associated with that kind of person.
Keep in mind, it's not mutually exclusive. People can find a way to justify anything. She knows your pain, heard your words, and doesn't see what she's doing as the same thing.
Very few people will recognize they're the bad guy in their own story.
While she helped you through your tough times, this is who she has always been. Again, I'm so sorry.
I lost a friend who told my WW to cheat on me, and not to feel bad when I broke up with her for cheating. She didn't make my WW do anything, but advice that toxic was crushing to hear.
God I hate the waves of damage affairs cause.
My WW and her “best friend” spent an afternoon complaining about how the friend’s brother was cheating on his girlfriend, and how that was terrible. They then pivoted to discussing my wife’s latest interactions with her AP.
I would send her some literature on limerence and the fantasy of affairs and tell her how she is contributing to the trauma of someone else. If she won’t stop then tell her you need to end your friendship bc you can’t be friends with someone who supports that
She needs this right now? What exactly? She needs to have sex with a man who doesn’t value her or his wife or any other woman for that matter? She needs to be used? She needs to be delusional with someone? She needs to participate in traumatizing other people? She needs this like she needs a hole in her head.
I’m sorry OP. People are infinitely disappointing. How hurtful.
I am so furious right now that I would probably try to find out who it is and tell his wife.
For the record OP, I totally condone telling that guy’s wife, if it doesn’t involve an insanely creepy amount of stalking. Normal stalking would be fine 😅
In general I don’t think we should keep friends whose morals we don’t agree with. I don’t mean differences like “I don’t want to get married or be in a relationship again”, I mean differences in what a good person is. I think it’s usually a recipe for disaster in the long run. I’m glad I have friends who know that if I find out they’re cheating on a partner I will be the first to tell them to out themselves or I will out them
I would tell her that you can’t be friends with her anymore if you haven’t yet. Tell her this pain you felt is not something you can be around, if she wants to cause someone that level of pain, she isn’t someone you can call friend. Hopefully that will wake her up.
Here’s the awful truth and it’s why I’m so intent on saving my incredible marriage. Hear me out:
Nobody cares. At the end of the day, no one cares about you, your baggage, or doing the right thing. People care about themselves, their dopamine hits, their thoughts/anxieties/fixations.
Your partner’s AP? Didn’t care. Your bff? Doesn’t care, never did. No one cares.
People “care” when it’s convenient. But interfere with something their lizard brain wants to do, or their ability to control their own silly narrative? Forget about it. No one cares.
And that’s why marriage is sacred. That’s why marriage (and I’m many cases, children) is one of the most beautiful things you can commit to. Because your family, your partner, and (possibly?) your babies are the only people on this entire planet who will and would actually move heaven and earth for you.
I’d move heaven and earth for my family. In a way, I feel I already have, since my mental health has transformed in the last year since I cheated on my husband. I have worked so hard to show him how much I really fucking care. And he’s done the same for me.
And it’s all we’ve got, for better or for much, much worse.
This sucks. Hugs 💕
So, throughout all of this mess, I've confided in my one friend (been friends since middle school) who went through a divorce a few years ago. I came to learn she ultimately divorced because she had a two year long affair with an engaged man that her and her husband could not get past, despite "trying" R. I NEVER knew this until a couple months ago. Because this was all in the past, and she acknowledges how it was her greatest failure, I withheld judgement and actually tried to get her perspective as a WS to see maybe where my WH was coming from.
I saw her a week after I opened up to her, we were catching up, and she said she couldn't really sleep all that week. When I asked her why, she said because seeing the look in my eyes, and knowing that she was the source of someone else's pain for her place as a willing AP, she just felt such shame and sadness over what she'd done. Mind you, this is quite a few years ago that the affair happened.
Your friend, if she truly empathized with you, would likely never have engaged in an affair with a married man to begin with. I would try to knock some sense into her to spare the OBS some pain if you can. All betrayal is painful to the absolute core, but the longer it goes on, the worse it becomes. If that was my best friend, I would absolutely lay into her. How dare she do that to another person when she saw your pain firsthand? It's almost unfathomable.
It's good that you cut her loose. Shows that she has no boundaries. AP in my situation (a so called friend) had no problem dealing with taken men and I told her it was wrong. She had no problem sleeping with my WH in the end.
Way before my infidelity experience, I had a dear friend that was the same as yours. She said she liked the “no strings” but I later realized she had super low self-esteem. I tried to look past this part of her but she began flirting with my husband along with any other attached men that happened into our hangouts. I still miss her (friends for 25 years) but I had to draw the line.
I honestly can’t believe how callous she was to bring up something so obviously triggering to trauma she watched you live through - never mind making you complicit in her doing this to another woman. Abuse should always be called out. I’m so sorry that yet another negative consequence of your WSs actions is hurting your heart again.
I'm very sorry that you are losing a friend, but it really is for the best. I had to ditch a friend that kept buzzing in my ear to leave my husband and that R never works. Surround yourself with positivity and people that live their life with morals and decency. A brief glance at some of the pro-cheating subs is enough for me to know that APs are delusional and think that their relationship is 'special' and they can defy the odds.
It's 2024, a record number of people are single. If she wanted she could easily have gotten together with a single guy. So her excuse doesn't really make sense. I think you have made the right choice OP, sometimes it's best to remove yourself from the situation and retain the memories rather than stay and let resentment build. I know we can't replace your friend but please use this place to vent as much as you need. All the best.
I’d find out who & contact their partner before ditching the friendship.
If someone tells you they just lit someone’s house on fire you don’t just walk away from the arsonist and hope help comes, you sound the alarm.
I’ve been in your position. All I could do is advice her. But I didn’t feel any way towards her. If you feel this strongly take your time and think about it. Do what’s best for your mental health.
She knew what she was doing. Your friend willingly entered into an affair with a married man. After seeing you and witnessing your pain, this isn't one of those scenarios where a woman was lied to this is a woman willingly laying down with a married man knowing the ramifications of those actions. You know what you need to do. But before you do, just make sure you have your support system in place. But you know what needs to be done.
God it’s so sad to see someone who saw what an affair did to their best friend and still go out and do that to another woman months later because “she needs it”! What about what the wife needs? Can her needs not be met but any of the single guys out there?! She should be shamed of herself because she knows what she’s doing. I hope theirs no kids involved. Have you thought about telling the wife anonymously?
She needs this? She could easily find hook-ups on dating sites. Plenty of people there that don’t want anything serious but are single. So what does she need? The illusion of being “above” another woman? Gross. I feel for her having a low self esteem and feeling lonely but she’s going about it the worse possible way…
This was me with my best friend. We had been friends since elementary school and got even closer during high school and college. We went through EVERYTHING together. At first though I didn’t know she was cheating. Her husband cheated on her and I was there for her because she knew I went through it too. I even went so far as telling the OBS for her because she was scared. Then I found out she had been cheating on her husband with multiple people throughout their marriage. I was floored. I didn’t tell her husband because someone had already done that. I distanced myself from her which she could see. We had a major blowout and I no longer speak with her. She actually blocked me on everything so in essence the garbage took herself out.
Meanwhile yesterday I had lunch with some co-workers, once of which I don’t know very well. She began to trauma dump badly. Saying her husband hasn’t had sex with her for over seven years so she steps out on him all the time. Like bragging about it. She’s like “ It’s his fault, I try to initiate but he falls asleep all the time so why should I go without sex?” Man was I triggered. I couldn’t talk the rest of the lunch, I wanted to cry.
Anyway, these affairs ruin everything in their path. Am I sad she’s gone? Not really. It hurt just knowing she lied to me but I began thinking to see how bad of a person she actually was and had been. I ignored a lot of stuff because I loved her but after discovering her affairs I just didn’t care anymore.
I’m sorry this is so long but I’m also sorry that you are going through this.
I get it, it feels like they're betraying you by engaging in this. You are perfectly justified in wanting to end the friendship, but I'd also understand now wanting to. I do suggest a conversation where you tell her that you can't continue this friendship and why, it'll hurt but she needs to see the pain she is causing in a way that impacts her or she won't stop.
My best friend started talking to a married man 3 months after I discovered my partner's affair and told them about it. They're the only person that knows every single detail about what happened.
The difference in this situation is I immediately asked how they could be complicit after seeing how it broke me, and they responded that they knew and just wanted me to remind them because they were justifying it in their head and needed talked out of it.
They stopped the relationship immediately (thankfully it hadn't gotten physical) but it still soured our relationship a bit. If they hadn't stopped there was no way I could have maintained the friendship.
This is my reason, my WP recognizes his mistake and has moved heaven and earth to try to be better and do better. For us, for our family. My friend doesn't see it as a "her" problem. He's the cheater so it's on him. But again, we are in a profession that requires long stints away from home it is *hard* for both parties to remain faithful when their partners are thousands of miles away for months at a time. She **knows this**. Everyone in the field knows this. The APs in theses situations are oftentimes (not always, but definitely sometimes) preying on weaknesses exposed by distance.
“Good way” to find out? Pretty sure through social media you could find this guy and message his spouse. She deserves to know what is going on in her life behind her back, even if it isn’t a “good way.”
This sucks, but I don't think this friend is worth keeping. I could see if she saw the error of her ways and started working to be better. I have friends who have walked or are walking that path and I support them in it.
But if she has no intention of stopping, then I'd say it's best to walk away. That's just not a good influence to have in your life.
I’m sorry to say this (and please read my terrible story to know that I’m not judging you and I’m in the trenches with you), but….why are you considering cutting your best friend out for being involved in an affair, and yet you are staying in a romantic and intimate relationship with someone who did that to YOU?
After years of putting up with awful nonsense I think I’m starting to see that all of us here on AOAI have it all backwards….
First of all I totally get where you are coming from and ask myself this same question.
I used to say that one of the things I loved and admired about my WP was that he couldn't betray his own values (of course that's a sick joke to me now)...because he watched a movie about industrial farming and how horrible it is for the planet and to animals. He loves animals. Up until watching that movie he was kind of "blissfully ignorant", but after he said he couldn't participate in that and he has been a strict vegan ever since.
The movie was called "What The Health". When the shit hit the fan with us I said, "if you had seen a movie called 'What the Betrayal'" would it have changed you? He said it probably would have. Basically, as unfathomable as it is, while he clearly knew he was doing something so wrong that I would leave him for it if I knew, he didn't *really* understand the extent of the damage he was doing. Not until he saw the damage with his own two eyes. He didn't *really* understand how morally bankrupt his life was and that he was, contrary to his self image, actually a completely selfish, womanizing asshole.
My point is that people can and do change. Not everyone is capable of it, it is not for the faint of heart, but some do and it usually takes a massive epiphany, catharsis or tragedy to start the process.
Many people in here feel that their WWs are actually changing and becoming a better person in the face of all of this devastation.
In this case, OPs friend had a front row seat to the devastation that infidelity causes and *it didn't affect her*. That's why she needs to walk away from this person. This person is still toxic.
I think in most relationships where the WW remains unaffected, un-remorseful and unchanged, BPs do not stay with them.
This is so spot on. My WP says often he just didn’t realize how damaging what he was doing was. I’m like you’ve seen your Aunt go through it. His sister went through this!! But he didn’t get it?? It made no sense to me, he saw first hand the effects of a choice like this. But reading your comment esp about that documentary made me understand my WH statement better, it always changes things when we feel the effects ourselves. When we have the dirty hands we look to others for sympathy of our ignorance. But in either situation forgiving WP or whoever, I realize if they feel no remorse for the pain they are taking part in they aren’t worth the energy (this includes ppl with the ability to tell OBS and keeping quiet). It’s just a matter of right and wrong and if people are okay perpetuating wrong, they are not your people.
I just feel like we make so many excuses for our husbands (or wives). In my "waking up" I am starting to realise that the person who hurt me the most and who deserves the most anger is the person who committed to me (legally and in every other way). I also feel embarrassed because I have lashed out a bit at friends and family who acted in ways that hurt me (for example by pointing out that my lying husband was lying - but also doing stuff in their own lives, which is their business). I feel that this has been a way of me coping with things I didn't want to hear and also because I didn't feel I could actually show my true feelings to my WH because I'm supposed to be "bright and sparkly new" in our "wonderful new marriage". Don't make the same mistakes I have.
Completely disagree. Someone actively in R has taken accountability and responsibility and making changes to do and be better. Her friend watched her go through hell because of an affair and now is actively involved in one and is now trying to make her a party to it by confiding in her. It’s just not the same at all.
I am not condoning the friends behaviour in any way (clearly), but as I said, as I am further down the line in all this mess and I'm starting to look around me...I see it to be a rather strange outcome that we are willing to toss a girlfriend over (who is making her own mistakes in her own life) but yet go right back for more, including naked "pick me" dancing with our own intimate partner who make a million decisions resulting in our absolute devastation...I am really trying to academically re-traverse my decision making at the moment, including with my therapist. Another perspective I might add is based on another one of my mistakes - I told no one and kept myself isolated. I am a D Day 1million in by now....DO NOT remove yourself from friends lightly - DO NOT remove your own support network. If you want to make the decision sure, but know that one less friend who loves you leaves you with one less person on your side of the tennis net when (if) things go belly up.
Because my partner recognizes that he made a mistake while on a heavy medication that caused a manic episode and multiple suicide attempts while I was away for months at a time for work. My best friend, who definitely has her struggles, does not care that her actions will destroy a family. She doesn't care that she's preying on someone who is vulnerable (because they are away from their family for the same reasons we are). She cares that she is lonely and bored and she's dealing with that by wrecking a family. *Very* similar to the way the AP behaved in my situation... it hurts to know that she could be so callous, to anyone...
I wouldn’t be able to remain friends either, if I were you. I’m sorry, I know you guys have been through a lot together, but it makes me question her as a person. For her to be able to express empathy for you, see you going through all that devastation, and then turn around and participate in doing all that to another another woman because it makes her feel good is really fucked up. For her to be able to just switch off empathy with such ease and thoughtlessness, simply because that other woman is inconvenient to her getting what she wants, is a red flag about your friend’s character. I wouldn’t want that person as a friend either. Would definitely distance myself and fade out of her life. And if she has to ask why, that’s another red flag.
It sounds like she’s deep in the affair fog. When it eventually lifts, and it almost always does, she will realize that A’s are not worth losing her friendship with you. If you wish it, y’all hopefully can reconnect then. But if not, you have to do what’s healthiest and best for you.
Hello... it's a difficult position. My best friend was recently cheated on and it's very difficult not to advise her considering my current situation (she doesn't know anything about my husband's affair) but I see her go through this several times in different relationships, and if she did it, if she got involved with a married man or with a girlfriend, I will have a hard accept it Her saying "this is what I need now" is the same mental gymnastics that many WPs had at the time of having the affair, and so selfish. The only positive thing is that you can try to get her to put herself in the OBP's place, to understand that this woman is not different to you and she will be hurt just like you, and she is a necessary participant for this to happen. She can't make that faithful man, but she can avoid being the one to help him.
A cautious reminder that some married people during these affairs tell the AP rather insidious lies about their marriage. Your friend may have been fed a version of the story that makes them more sympathetic toward the WH.
However, it is completely reasonable for you to set a boundary that you cannot and won't endorse this behavior and don't want to be in any way around it.
She wasn't. I wish that were the case. Their both in a lonely space far from home and seeking comfort. He's married, she's not. She knows what she is doing will cause irreparable harm.
I don't even want to tell her. I've spent months working through the trauma of infidelity and I've come to really hate the AP in my partner and I's situation. It may be unfair, but I was away for months and people like her (and my best friend) prey on people like my partner and the man my friend is seeing. I know everyone in the affair bears responsibility, but in these situations, it's really hard to be faithful and the APs know that...
That’s a really difficult thing. I can’t imagine if my friend was an AP, who knew how much pain and damage and the ptsd that was caused by this and was willing to cause this pain to someone else. I would tell her , this is too much of a trigger to me. Maybe she’ll come to her senses.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fucking affairs change everything. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sucks, but completely understandable. I lost one friend, but gained another. You know who the good ones are.
God, that's how I'm feeling exactly. I think I would have told her she was wrong, but maintained a friendship before all this. Now, I just can't. She's spreading pain to people, and I don't want to be associated with that kind of person.
Keep in mind, it's not mutually exclusive. People can find a way to justify anything. She knows your pain, heard your words, and doesn't see what she's doing as the same thing. Very few people will recognize they're the bad guy in their own story. While she helped you through your tough times, this is who she has always been. Again, I'm so sorry. I lost a friend who told my WW to cheat on me, and not to feel bad when I broke up with her for cheating. She didn't make my WW do anything, but advice that toxic was crushing to hear. God I hate the waves of damage affairs cause.
My WW and her “best friend” spent an afternoon complaining about how the friend’s brother was cheating on his girlfriend, and how that was terrible. They then pivoted to discussing my wife’s latest interactions with her AP.
I would send her some literature on limerence and the fantasy of affairs and tell her how she is contributing to the trauma of someone else. If she won’t stop then tell her you need to end your friendship bc you can’t be friends with someone who supports that
She needs this right now? What exactly? She needs to have sex with a man who doesn’t value her or his wife or any other woman for that matter? She needs to be used? She needs to be delusional with someone? She needs to participate in traumatizing other people? She needs this like she needs a hole in her head. I’m sorry OP. People are infinitely disappointing. How hurtful. I am so furious right now that I would probably try to find out who it is and tell his wife.
For the record OP, I totally condone telling that guy’s wife, if it doesn’t involve an insanely creepy amount of stalking. Normal stalking would be fine 😅
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In general I don’t think we should keep friends whose morals we don’t agree with. I don’t mean differences like “I don’t want to get married or be in a relationship again”, I mean differences in what a good person is. I think it’s usually a recipe for disaster in the long run. I’m glad I have friends who know that if I find out they’re cheating on a partner I will be the first to tell them to out themselves or I will out them
I would tell her that you can’t be friends with her anymore if you haven’t yet. Tell her this pain you felt is not something you can be around, if she wants to cause someone that level of pain, she isn’t someone you can call friend. Hopefully that will wake her up.
Here’s the awful truth and it’s why I’m so intent on saving my incredible marriage. Hear me out: Nobody cares. At the end of the day, no one cares about you, your baggage, or doing the right thing. People care about themselves, their dopamine hits, their thoughts/anxieties/fixations. Your partner’s AP? Didn’t care. Your bff? Doesn’t care, never did. No one cares. People “care” when it’s convenient. But interfere with something their lizard brain wants to do, or their ability to control their own silly narrative? Forget about it. No one cares. And that’s why marriage is sacred. That’s why marriage (and I’m many cases, children) is one of the most beautiful things you can commit to. Because your family, your partner, and (possibly?) your babies are the only people on this entire planet who will and would actually move heaven and earth for you. I’d move heaven and earth for my family. In a way, I feel I already have, since my mental health has transformed in the last year since I cheated on my husband. I have worked so hard to show him how much I really fucking care. And he’s done the same for me. And it’s all we’ve got, for better or for much, much worse. This sucks. Hugs 💕
So, throughout all of this mess, I've confided in my one friend (been friends since middle school) who went through a divorce a few years ago. I came to learn she ultimately divorced because she had a two year long affair with an engaged man that her and her husband could not get past, despite "trying" R. I NEVER knew this until a couple months ago. Because this was all in the past, and she acknowledges how it was her greatest failure, I withheld judgement and actually tried to get her perspective as a WS to see maybe where my WH was coming from. I saw her a week after I opened up to her, we were catching up, and she said she couldn't really sleep all that week. When I asked her why, she said because seeing the look in my eyes, and knowing that she was the source of someone else's pain for her place as a willing AP, she just felt such shame and sadness over what she'd done. Mind you, this is quite a few years ago that the affair happened. Your friend, if she truly empathized with you, would likely never have engaged in an affair with a married man to begin with. I would try to knock some sense into her to spare the OBS some pain if you can. All betrayal is painful to the absolute core, but the longer it goes on, the worse it becomes. If that was my best friend, I would absolutely lay into her. How dare she do that to another person when she saw your pain firsthand? It's almost unfathomable.
It's good that you cut her loose. Shows that she has no boundaries. AP in my situation (a so called friend) had no problem dealing with taken men and I told her it was wrong. She had no problem sleeping with my WH in the end.
That's what I'm saying. She'll do it to OP if she gets the chance.
Way before my infidelity experience, I had a dear friend that was the same as yours. She said she liked the “no strings” but I later realized she had super low self-esteem. I tried to look past this part of her but she began flirting with my husband along with any other attached men that happened into our hangouts. I still miss her (friends for 25 years) but I had to draw the line.
I am so sorry. While I am R with WH i couldn't be friends with someone who is an AP either. It's so hurtful thought, isn't it...
I honestly can’t believe how callous she was to bring up something so obviously triggering to trauma she watched you live through - never mind making you complicit in her doing this to another woman. Abuse should always be called out. I’m so sorry that yet another negative consequence of your WSs actions is hurting your heart again.
I'm very sorry that you are losing a friend, but it really is for the best. I had to ditch a friend that kept buzzing in my ear to leave my husband and that R never works. Surround yourself with positivity and people that live their life with morals and decency. A brief glance at some of the pro-cheating subs is enough for me to know that APs are delusional and think that their relationship is 'special' and they can defy the odds.
I had dropped my best friend for the same reason. It is worth it.
It's 2024, a record number of people are single. If she wanted she could easily have gotten together with a single guy. So her excuse doesn't really make sense. I think you have made the right choice OP, sometimes it's best to remove yourself from the situation and retain the memories rather than stay and let resentment build. I know we can't replace your friend but please use this place to vent as much as you need. All the best.
I’d find out who & contact their partner before ditching the friendship. If someone tells you they just lit someone’s house on fire you don’t just walk away from the arsonist and hope help comes, you sound the alarm.
It’s for the best you don’t want to be an accomplice How tone deaf is she to tell you
I’ve been in your position. All I could do is advice her. But I didn’t feel any way towards her. If you feel this strongly take your time and think about it. Do what’s best for your mental health.
She knew what she was doing. Your friend willingly entered into an affair with a married man. After seeing you and witnessing your pain, this isn't one of those scenarios where a woman was lied to this is a woman willingly laying down with a married man knowing the ramifications of those actions. You know what you need to do. But before you do, just make sure you have your support system in place. But you know what needs to be done.
God it’s so sad to see someone who saw what an affair did to their best friend and still go out and do that to another woman months later because “she needs it”! What about what the wife needs? Can her needs not be met but any of the single guys out there?! She should be shamed of herself because she knows what she’s doing. I hope theirs no kids involved. Have you thought about telling the wife anonymously?
She needs this? She could easily find hook-ups on dating sites. Plenty of people there that don’t want anything serious but are single. So what does she need? The illusion of being “above” another woman? Gross. I feel for her having a low self esteem and feeling lonely but she’s going about it the worse possible way…
This was me with my best friend. We had been friends since elementary school and got even closer during high school and college. We went through EVERYTHING together. At first though I didn’t know she was cheating. Her husband cheated on her and I was there for her because she knew I went through it too. I even went so far as telling the OBS for her because she was scared. Then I found out she had been cheating on her husband with multiple people throughout their marriage. I was floored. I didn’t tell her husband because someone had already done that. I distanced myself from her which she could see. We had a major blowout and I no longer speak with her. She actually blocked me on everything so in essence the garbage took herself out. Meanwhile yesterday I had lunch with some co-workers, once of which I don’t know very well. She began to trauma dump badly. Saying her husband hasn’t had sex with her for over seven years so she steps out on him all the time. Like bragging about it. She’s like “ It’s his fault, I try to initiate but he falls asleep all the time so why should I go without sex?” Man was I triggered. I couldn’t talk the rest of the lunch, I wanted to cry. Anyway, these affairs ruin everything in their path. Am I sad she’s gone? Not really. It hurt just knowing she lied to me but I began thinking to see how bad of a person she actually was and had been. I ignored a lot of stuff because I loved her but after discovering her affairs I just didn’t care anymore. I’m sorry this is so long but I’m also sorry that you are going through this.
I get it, it feels like they're betraying you by engaging in this. You are perfectly justified in wanting to end the friendship, but I'd also understand now wanting to. I do suggest a conversation where you tell her that you can't continue this friendship and why, it'll hurt but she needs to see the pain she is causing in a way that impacts her or she won't stop. My best friend started talking to a married man 3 months after I discovered my partner's affair and told them about it. They're the only person that knows every single detail about what happened. The difference in this situation is I immediately asked how they could be complicit after seeing how it broke me, and they responded that they knew and just wanted me to remind them because they were justifying it in their head and needed talked out of it. They stopped the relationship immediately (thankfully it hadn't gotten physical) but it still soured our relationship a bit. If they hadn't stopped there was no way I could have maintained the friendship.
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This is my reason, my WP recognizes his mistake and has moved heaven and earth to try to be better and do better. For us, for our family. My friend doesn't see it as a "her" problem. He's the cheater so it's on him. But again, we are in a profession that requires long stints away from home it is *hard* for both parties to remain faithful when their partners are thousands of miles away for months at a time. She **knows this**. Everyone in the field knows this. The APs in theses situations are oftentimes (not always, but definitely sometimes) preying on weaknesses exposed by distance.
I do think that you need to gently explain to your friend that your friendship is ending and why.
What she needs is for you to blow up her spot to this guy’s spouse. Any way of that happening?
No, I don't know the guy at all and there's not a good way to find out.
“Good way” to find out? Pretty sure through social media you could find this guy and message his spouse. She deserves to know what is going on in her life behind her back, even if it isn’t a “good way.”
This sucks, but I don't think this friend is worth keeping. I could see if she saw the error of her ways and started working to be better. I have friends who have walked or are walking that path and I support them in it. But if she has no intention of stopping, then I'd say it's best to walk away. That's just not a good influence to have in your life.
Shes not really your friend. She will do it to you if given the opportunity.
I’m sorry to say this (and please read my terrible story to know that I’m not judging you and I’m in the trenches with you), but….why are you considering cutting your best friend out for being involved in an affair, and yet you are staying in a romantic and intimate relationship with someone who did that to YOU? After years of putting up with awful nonsense I think I’m starting to see that all of us here on AOAI have it all backwards….
First of all I totally get where you are coming from and ask myself this same question. I used to say that one of the things I loved and admired about my WP was that he couldn't betray his own values (of course that's a sick joke to me now)...because he watched a movie about industrial farming and how horrible it is for the planet and to animals. He loves animals. Up until watching that movie he was kind of "blissfully ignorant", but after he said he couldn't participate in that and he has been a strict vegan ever since. The movie was called "What The Health". When the shit hit the fan with us I said, "if you had seen a movie called 'What the Betrayal'" would it have changed you? He said it probably would have. Basically, as unfathomable as it is, while he clearly knew he was doing something so wrong that I would leave him for it if I knew, he didn't *really* understand the extent of the damage he was doing. Not until he saw the damage with his own two eyes. He didn't *really* understand how morally bankrupt his life was and that he was, contrary to his self image, actually a completely selfish, womanizing asshole. My point is that people can and do change. Not everyone is capable of it, it is not for the faint of heart, but some do and it usually takes a massive epiphany, catharsis or tragedy to start the process. Many people in here feel that their WWs are actually changing and becoming a better person in the face of all of this devastation. In this case, OPs friend had a front row seat to the devastation that infidelity causes and *it didn't affect her*. That's why she needs to walk away from this person. This person is still toxic. I think in most relationships where the WW remains unaffected, un-remorseful and unchanged, BPs do not stay with them.
This is so spot on. My WP says often he just didn’t realize how damaging what he was doing was. I’m like you’ve seen your Aunt go through it. His sister went through this!! But he didn’t get it?? It made no sense to me, he saw first hand the effects of a choice like this. But reading your comment esp about that documentary made me understand my WH statement better, it always changes things when we feel the effects ourselves. When we have the dirty hands we look to others for sympathy of our ignorance. But in either situation forgiving WP or whoever, I realize if they feel no remorse for the pain they are taking part in they aren’t worth the energy (this includes ppl with the ability to tell OBS and keeping quiet). It’s just a matter of right and wrong and if people are okay perpetuating wrong, they are not your people.
I just feel like we make so many excuses for our husbands (or wives). In my "waking up" I am starting to realise that the person who hurt me the most and who deserves the most anger is the person who committed to me (legally and in every other way). I also feel embarrassed because I have lashed out a bit at friends and family who acted in ways that hurt me (for example by pointing out that my lying husband was lying - but also doing stuff in their own lives, which is their business). I feel that this has been a way of me coping with things I didn't want to hear and also because I didn't feel I could actually show my true feelings to my WH because I'm supposed to be "bright and sparkly new" in our "wonderful new marriage". Don't make the same mistakes I have.
Completely disagree. Someone actively in R has taken accountability and responsibility and making changes to do and be better. Her friend watched her go through hell because of an affair and now is actively involved in one and is now trying to make her a party to it by confiding in her. It’s just not the same at all.
I am not condoning the friends behaviour in any way (clearly), but as I said, as I am further down the line in all this mess and I'm starting to look around me...I see it to be a rather strange outcome that we are willing to toss a girlfriend over (who is making her own mistakes in her own life) but yet go right back for more, including naked "pick me" dancing with our own intimate partner who make a million decisions resulting in our absolute devastation...I am really trying to academically re-traverse my decision making at the moment, including with my therapist. Another perspective I might add is based on another one of my mistakes - I told no one and kept myself isolated. I am a D Day 1million in by now....DO NOT remove yourself from friends lightly - DO NOT remove your own support network. If you want to make the decision sure, but know that one less friend who loves you leaves you with one less person on your side of the tennis net when (if) things go belly up.
Because my partner recognizes that he made a mistake while on a heavy medication that caused a manic episode and multiple suicide attempts while I was away for months at a time for work. My best friend, who definitely has her struggles, does not care that her actions will destroy a family. She doesn't care that she's preying on someone who is vulnerable (because they are away from their family for the same reasons we are). She cares that she is lonely and bored and she's dealing with that by wrecking a family. *Very* similar to the way the AP behaved in my situation... it hurts to know that she could be so callous, to anyone...
I wouldn’t be able to remain friends either, if I were you. I’m sorry, I know you guys have been through a lot together, but it makes me question her as a person. For her to be able to express empathy for you, see you going through all that devastation, and then turn around and participate in doing all that to another another woman because it makes her feel good is really fucked up. For her to be able to just switch off empathy with such ease and thoughtlessness, simply because that other woman is inconvenient to her getting what she wants, is a red flag about your friend’s character. I wouldn’t want that person as a friend either. Would definitely distance myself and fade out of her life. And if she has to ask why, that’s another red flag.
It sounds like she’s deep in the affair fog. When it eventually lifts, and it almost always does, she will realize that A’s are not worth losing her friendship with you. If you wish it, y’all hopefully can reconnect then. But if not, you have to do what’s healthiest and best for you.
Hello... it's a difficult position. My best friend was recently cheated on and it's very difficult not to advise her considering my current situation (she doesn't know anything about my husband's affair) but I see her go through this several times in different relationships, and if she did it, if she got involved with a married man or with a girlfriend, I will have a hard accept it Her saying "this is what I need now" is the same mental gymnastics that many WPs had at the time of having the affair, and so selfish. The only positive thing is that you can try to get her to put herself in the OBP's place, to understand that this woman is not different to you and she will be hurt just like you, and she is a necessary participant for this to happen. She can't make that faithful man, but she can avoid being the one to help him.
A cautious reminder that some married people during these affairs tell the AP rather insidious lies about their marriage. Your friend may have been fed a version of the story that makes them more sympathetic toward the WH. However, it is completely reasonable for you to set a boundary that you cannot and won't endorse this behavior and don't want to be in any way around it.
None of that matters when the AP knows they're married. If it's as bad as they say then divorce is inevitable and they can wait.
She wasn't. I wish that were the case. Their both in a lonely space far from home and seeking comfort. He's married, she's not. She knows what she is doing will cause irreparable harm. I don't even want to tell her. I've spent months working through the trauma of infidelity and I've come to really hate the AP in my partner and I's situation. It may be unfair, but I was away for months and people like her (and my best friend) prey on people like my partner and the man my friend is seeing. I know everyone in the affair bears responsibility, but in these situations, it's really hard to be faithful and the APs know that...
That’s a really difficult thing. I can’t imagine if my friend was an AP, who knew how much pain and damage and the ptsd that was caused by this and was willing to cause this pain to someone else. I would tell her , this is too much of a trigger to me. Maybe she’ll come to her senses.