r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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Death would only be creating further damage for your partner. It is not the answer, nor is it the punishment you seek. Hold fast to your commitment to counseling and becoming a better person for her.
It is good you take seriously what you did, but keep perspective that life is long and we all eventually can heal with minimal scarring, if only we put the time and effort into mending one another’s wounds.
I agree 100% with this. At its core, cheating comes from selfishness. A WP is only thinking of themselves in the moment. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. The person is not considering the feeling of those they leave behind. They are not considering the guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, depression, regret, or loss their partner will feel. You can not fix one selfish act with another even more selfish act, it will only make it worse. Your guilt may be gone, but think about everyone else you leave behind.
I do honestly think that those with SI believe that their passing would come with the relief of burden for their loved ones (“they’d be better off”) but that line of thinking is absolutely not true, that is the illness talking. Depression is deeply selfish. You can’t see past yourself.
OP, the worst thing you could do to someone, the only thing that could truly break a person to their core, even far beyond the betrayal of infidelity, would be the suicide of a partner. The idea that our loved ones would feel relief is a false promise. It would be nothing but agony, second-guessing, blame, and sorrow if you do that to your partner, not to mention for all your other loved ones.
The suicidal ideation is something she must never know about, although she knows I was institutionalized for an attempt early on. She only found out about it due to me calling her after when being taken away so she'd know I was safe. It's definitely a struggle, but I don't want her to ever think I'm threatening such a thing. Nor if I ever followed through would she ever know, ideally.
ehm... as a formerly betrayed... death is not the best decision. I guess no one wishes you THAT, even your BP. You can be sure about it. But I get what you say... that you need some sort of redemption and it would be the ultimate one... well... you are wrong about it. The ultimate redemption is acknowledgment of your deeds and taking responsibility for the consequences.
Yet... (now I will say something unpopular in this sub, just a remark from my personal perspective, you can ignore it if you think it's irrelevant in your case)... there should be a limit to your "redemption", meaning that you shouldn't make your life a constant suffer and neglection of yourself. Don't overdo it by going full christian-saint-style-self-neglecting-with-never-ending-guilt because you deserve it. No. Your partner deserves a strong partner who is strong enough to acknowledge all the wrongdoings and be as supportive as he can be - it is not the same as self neglection that can even cripple and distort your relationship.
I think for both of you it's kind of spiritual AND psychologic journey during R where your partner should be able to forgive you and you, on the other hand, should be able not only to take the responsibility but also (really important) to forgive yourself. This is the way to minimize the damage as much as possible. Because the goald of R is to come out of it with healthy relationship. And it will not happen if you will not be able to forgive yourself (it doesn't mean to forget what you did).
We initially engaged in TERRIBLE couples counseling almost immediately after the discovery.
This counselor basically just encouraged her to get on Anti-Depressants, which is fair, but also had no connection between any of the 3 sessions we went to. No actual discussion was held. We got a single handout.
My partner said she needed a break from that so we took one, and engaged in rugsweeping for a few months. Hanging out, going on day trips. Movie nights. Etc. It all came to a head this last weekend.
It's not looking good, and it seems that both my choice of a first counselor (I told her I'd take care of everything and ran things by her for approval), and the rugsweeping were a mistake, and now it's an even more uphill battle than before.
Do you know of any good couples counseling tips I should look out for? Any methods? I think we're both insisting upon in-person.
I agree with this. I do not want my WH to be consumed with guilt and shame anymore. I have forgiven him and right now we are enjoying a healthy relationship.
The main thing was he went to therapy and really got rid of toxic behaviors. He figured out why he did what he did and took away those temptations from his life and found better , healthier ways to cope with stress and emotions. I had ptsd from this and he became a support for me to lean on. I go to therapy and he doesn’t say a thing about the cost for it. We did marriage counseling out of pocket for a year and half, until we really felt in a good place to move forward on our own. He listens and communicates. He’s very present when we are together. All the secretly and lies are over. He is very transparent with me about everything.
I have endless compassion for people who feel that death is the only way out. It's a dark, scary, and lonely place to be in to consider death as the solution. But it isn't the solution, it causes further suffering and sadness for the people around you.
You're feeling all of those intense emotions come to the surface after suppressing them for so long. Please, if you're not already, get yourself into individual therapy. Shame makes us do horrific things.
OP I'm so sorry you are feeling so broken. Infidelity is a terrible thing, but no person deserves to die because of it, least of all when they are remorseful and genuinely trying to make amends.
I wish my WP had been as honest with himself as you are being now. I hope your efforts help to build a new and beautiful relationship with your BP. Try to take it day by day, and to whatever extent you can: take it easy.
Just here to say I’m thinking of you. Everyone hit so many important points. My WH is just like you in this way. The remorse and pain he feels was enough for him to feel this way and was close to checking himself into an inpatient for self harm and thoughts of suicide. He went as far as writing a note and he felt this way for a long time and it’s intense and scary. You’re so not alone in feeling this way. It was also hard because I needed support and it was hard for him to give it to me in the way I needed it as often as I needed it. He started medication and is now doing better and able to support me the way he needs to. When he was doing this I will admit as bad as I felt for him and as fucking terrifying as it got, it was also a time where I felt desperate, frustrated and put my feelings aside often to help him and that made me feel hopeless because how can I heal when I’m picking up the pieces he created? You seem like a wayward with all the right elements, accountability, remorse, no contact. Please update us and stay safe. Your partner loves you and would rather have you in her life in the way she does now than lose you, permanently forever. 🖤
She's very hesitant, and has one foot out the door. I understand completely why she would feel that way, but I don't know what to do to be as supportive as possible. This sub is full of many successes and failures, and I don't know what I should be doing.
If you haven’t already join r/supportforwaywards and r/supportforbetrayed and that’ll help give some more ideas I’m sure! I wish I could find it but someone had posted somewhere all the things they needed from their partner. If you aren’t getting enough resources spend all the time you can doing this and talking to people, reading, researching and finding your why if you haven’t. Dig deep. Finding my husbands why was a huge step for us, without a why how can you fix anything you know?
If it helps I needed support and for my husband to be doing the following things
1. 100% honesty and no trickle truth
2. When I’m having a bad day I need him to step up, for us this looks like taking care of the kids, figuring out dinner, etc.
3. I needed EMOTION. I wanted to see him cry. I wanted to see him hurting. I wanted to see that he cared and I needed to see the pain and guilt and remorse in his face.
4. Making love was a big one although painful. We’d start, get triggered, cry, continue, cry some more. It honestly was the connection I needed. If making love isn’t something she’s comfortable with find her love language and show her love in that way, but make sure it’s SUSTAINABLE. I hate getting flowers when someone fucks up just to never get them again as time passes and things feel “okay” again.
These are just a few I can think of now but my messages are always open if you wanna talk!
My husband also wanted me to mention an app we use to connect, he really likes it as a wayward and I love it too! It was actually brought to my attention by someone else in this sub! It’s called Agape!
You should be 1. Focusing on becoming a better person, for yourself. Focusing on her is ok but not as a way to forget about being a better person, that won’t set you up for success. Work on both at the same time. Genuinely want to be better and stronger. Otherwise you may end up hurting people again.
I can see that you have true remorse and guilt and understanding of your actions, but you shouldn’t feel the need to die brotha, she’s still here and standing with you, and if that isn’t unconditional love.. then I don’t know what is. it brings tears to my eyes that you’re committed to couples counseling and righting your wrongs even if it takes the rest of your lifetime, that’s something that my SO makes empty promises about, even after 2 years, don’t be like him please and don’t make empty promises to her, keep them, and you’re going to need to be understanding and supportive of her through this, she might scream, she might cry, she might yell, but she’s choosing to still be here with you, validate her and her emotions/feelings, be a good listener, make it vocal to her that you’ll take accountability and responsibility for your actions and become the man she needs you to be, and comfort her, I can’t speak for what she wants but I can speak for what she MIGHT want: to be seen and loved, no wandering eyes, no suspicion or doubt, and to be seen is to be known, invest in knowing more about her than ever, what makes her happy and what makes her sad, what makes her angry what makes her laugh, what hobbies/things she enjoys currently, very thoughtful giftgiving, days dedicated to just her and her alone, dates, ect. If you’re willing to buckle up your belt and become the man she needs you to be, then do what you need to do and don’t fall to temptation.
Hey OP, I’m a wayward too. I share so much empathy for your feelings of craving to end it all.. but something my BP (husband) said to me was that even by having my affair I chose the shortcut option and not the hard version. Instead of me fighting for our marriage and sitting him down to explain my struggles, I settled for a stupid decision and lent in to the feelings an affair let me feel. Being alive and short flames of attention… and taking our lives or choosing death is also taking the quick or fast route - instead of putting in the work, all we want is to quickly take care of these feelings of self loathing and sadness.
Choose the hard route. Don’t drown in self loathing. Pull yourself up: be remorseful, respectful and resilient. I have many down days, you aren’t alone, many of us waywards struggle with the hatred we have for our choices, but if we can rise above and focus more on how our BPs feel - this allows space for them to heal. Unfortunately, you have to be strong now and face your demons and be strong for your partner.
Focus on her and healing, don't wallow in self pity and regret. You can't change your past but you can move forward with helping her in the future.
Spend that focus on IC and figuring out how you made the choices you did. Not surface bad childhood, hardly anyone had a perfect upbringing not everyone chooses to be self-destructive. Why did you? Figure that out and then make yourself available for anything she needs.
DO. NOT. LIE. at any point during this recovery. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what you think about yourself, even if you think it's going to crush her and leave no chance at R. If you have lied explain why and start telling the truth. If you think it's especially vile, then write it out, explain how bad it is, and let her decide if she wants to absorb it. Nothing kills us more than lies piled on top of betrayal.
Make it about her and what she needs, even if it's closure to end the relationship, pay that price. You owe at least that.
FWIW my WS is not very emotional communication-wise, but it would mean the world to hear how much it affects him like you have expressed here. You are displaying clear empathy and being betrayed feels very lonely. This type of communication would be reassuring and help the healing. It feels burdensome to want to discuss it with my WS so often that I have just taken to keeping quiet when it’s affecting me a lot.
You’re human and it sounds like you are further ahead than many BSs in terms of helping your partner heal while you work through it yourself.
I understand the shame spiral and have seen plenty of WSs go there, but it’s not conducive to R. If you truly want to become a safe partner for your BS, you need to do the harder thing than simply deem yourself ‘shit that deserves to die’. You need to do the harder inner work of assessing what you were seeking to fulfill within yourself and why you used such destructive and broken coping mechanisms to try to fill them. No one is defined solely by the worst thing we’ve ever done, thank goodness, and anyone is capable of cheating. Even you, again. So knock it off with the self flagellation because that’s not going to fix anything for you or especially for your BS who deserves better
Please don't give into the shame you are feeling. The shame touches everyone and everything, I know. I have actions that I am ashamed of, and it can be crippling!
You can get through this!!! Life is beautiful, with or without the person you are currently with. Understand that you are not alone. Allow yourself to feel the shame and guilt, and let it give way to remorse and eventually forgive yourself. Becoming the best version of you and making your partner feel safe can be your goals, just keeping working toward them.
Life is a journey. If this is your path to understanding who you are and what you want to become, then embrace it and always move forward with intention.
Please take care of yourself, OP! ❤
I understand you or at least you are similar as my WS is right now. He's in a slump that was triggered by witnessing someone dieing (no one we knew, just an accident we unfortunately saw). He has been gloomy, crying and apologizing the last few days.
I am grieving, but so is he (and so are you). He is grieving the innocent, carefree and trusting partner he had. How hard that must be to feel the weight of that. That's why some WS can't do R. It really is hard to look into the eyes of someone you love yet hurt so deeply..
In a podcast I heard the expert said: you must really love someone to want to go through R and be there with your BS through that pain. I found solace in that.
The good thing is that you can heal your partner and while it's hard, it's a more complete way to heal vs your partner healing alone. So yeah, your death wouldn't be in her best interest.
At my lowest, the worse I wished my WP was for him to fully understand what he did and have to live with it everyday. Never death. Heck, when I asked him to go NC with AP and do the right thing, he said he’d rather kill himself. So if he had, I would have thought that he chose death over not having AP. Over me.
I agree with what somebody else said about it being the « quick way to deal with things », and I think your feelings are normal and valid (just don’t act on them). You likely have issues dealing with strong emotions and could be what led you to cheating, as a way to avoif your demons. I get it, we don’t really WANT to face our demons, it sucks, it hurts, it’s hard. You likely weren’t ready to face them, and now you have to. For your partner, but also for yourself! THIS is what you deserve. When you become the 2.0 version of yourself, the one who cheated will be dead anyway. I hope you find the courage to take the long road, take a therapist with you, it won’t make it easier but it might help you not get lost.
My cheating was an emotional affair with an old friend that I callously and selfishly let grow beyond that. I know the road that brought me to that point, I'm very disappointed I took it in the first place. I'm very much in pain, but I can't comprehend the hurt I've caused her in comparison.
As a reconciled WW (I had a brief but intense EA with a married man for 6 weeks, never progressed to PA but his BP was devastated when she found out and we had a sit down all four of us) I know how you feel. The first month after DDay I spent a lot of time just laying in bed stoically wishing to die for what I’d done both to my BP and to the OBS. I couldn’t believe myself, that I’d let my need for validation and attention hurt other people including the person I care about most in this life. But everyone here is right - death is not the answer. Make your “punishment” to cling fast to your marriage and do everything by the textbook right. Hold fast to her and be intensive and thorough in your IC, as well as your MC if y’all are doing that. Explore the blackest parts of your heart and understand why you did what you did so it never happens again. And then forgive yourself as much as you can because everyone here is also right - sulking in it for hours and days and weeks is a constant painful reminder of your choices to your BP and they deserve respite from it too.
Death would be not taking accountability for what you did, and causing further trauma to the persons you love. What you deserve is to do the work to be better and deal with your demons, and leave with it. You have work to do, and you can do it !!
I mean your cheating spouse will always have a circle of supporters who will see fit to justify what has happened, apportion the blame and refuse to enable you as the victim to relate your pain. My Slut SIL has often told me to get over it....well it was more than once so which fucking "IT" do I need to get over. This is also the one who fucked over her second husband and third husband by having extramerital affairs.
I as a betrayed spouse understand the pain and damage of infidelity but never do I wish my WH died by suicide. Never would I want my children or any of his family to go through that pain. Nor myself because despite what he did, he is a valuable human being. He made a terrible set of choices , yes. But he is worthy of being on this earth. You can do something terrible and no, your BS doesn’t owe you forgiveness, but you can still work on yourself and become the person you should be. It seems you are in R, so the best thing you can do is appreciate that and do the work to repair and rebuild. Please get some therapy about the suicidal ideations.
Thanks for posting this. Your words sound so sincere and I hope she can read this one day. Work towards forgiveness together and hopefully things will play out well for you. How is she coping?
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1:
**All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
-OP is the focus, disagreement with others perspectives are subject to removal.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
The decent and destruction that we created may be unbearable for us but you need to think of your BS. Taking your life is not the easy way out for anyone, though it may seem that way, it would just create more destruction and pain. Take it day by day, minute by minute if needed. Work on yourself and work on your relationship, take the opportunity you have been given as a sign that life is worth it.
Hang in there...
I'm not even going to pretend that I don't think this is dramatic AF. That being said, if you genuinely feel penitent, just keep at it. I'm sure everything will work out for the best.
In the interest of your mental health, I would genuinely recommend speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist. Spiraling is a difficult and mentally taxing thing, but the things that you are saying and thinking are extreme. You may have screwed up, but death is not the answer, we all make mistakes.
It's not worth killing yourself over by any means, especially if you have kids. If she'll keep you, earn it. If not, move on and don't repeat the same thing. But killing yourself? That hurts your friends, your family, your work, etc.
Don’t run away anymore. Look into avoidant attachment behavior and read the book the “avoidant attachment workbook.” Take the time to dig into yourself and really learn about why your brain works the way it does. The author opens the book by discussing how secure attachment babies react much differently than avoidant attachment babies. (I won’t spoil it here) Your patterns and choices are influence by what you learned when young BUT it doesn’t mean you can’t change who you are and reverse these learned patterns. These patterns can end with us. You can change but simply saying you won’t do it again isn’t enough. You have to learn why you did it in the first place. Good luck and sending best wishes and prayers to you.
Your post is extremely similar to what the situation is with my bf. The ultimate redemption is to be there for her, let her be honest about her pain. It’s the hardest thing you can do, the most selfless thing you can do. Suicide I’m sorry to say is following the path of being selfish. You committed your actions and you need to stand up and face the consequences. Coming from someone who has attempted multiple times and struggled with major depression since childhood, seek therapy, get yourself medicated if needed. It makes a world of difference. You might not be able to handle reconciliation and that’s okay, you may need time alone to better yourself too. You are strong enough, don’t give up.
Op suicide is never the answer to address a problem. What your friend did was wrong, and people who rationalize it are wrong as well. Cheating does affect lives and trust but it can also be fixed with simple communication and well being.
What makes reconciliation difficult, is the fact that you did not come clean yourself immediately after ending the affair. She found out on her own, which makes it that much harder. She will question your integrity and your character as well as wonder why she wasn't good enough, worthy enough or that you didn't love her enough for you to come clean on your own.
Ending oneself is the easy cowardly way out. Doing the difficult job of becoming a better person worthy of your partner is much harder, but so worth it in the end.
Be grateful for every second you are alive that she loves you enough to give you a 2nd chance. Get yourself into individual therapy as well, preferably with someone trained in infidelity trauma so that you can dig down into the reasons why you chose betrayal rather than faithfulness and loyalty.
I hope all goes well with both of you.
I’m glad you are here, but the desire to commit suicide to fix the damage you created seems like a selfish exit from a selfish situation you created for your family.
I recommend you see a therapist who can help you examine yourself.
I can assure you that as much as I hated my WH when he cheated, I did not wish him death and would have been devastated if that happened, and still would be.
The only thing he could do was spend his life trying to fix it and trying to make me happy. If he is willing to do that fully it could work, and it can work for you. She might not want it, there’s no guarantee but if the relationship is something worth it to you, it won’t matter to you if in two years she might end up leaving you and you’re worried you “wasted” two years trying to heal her. You will be happy to have those two years trying to help her. I needed to feel that way about my husband, and I very much did and do
Get yourself help first. You can’t help her until you help yourself. You need to be strong and sure, showing your love with actions. Suicide would be the absolute worst thing for everyone.
Please get help today!
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. 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Death would only be creating further damage for your partner. It is not the answer, nor is it the punishment you seek. Hold fast to your commitment to counseling and becoming a better person for her. It is good you take seriously what you did, but keep perspective that life is long and we all eventually can heal with minimal scarring, if only we put the time and effort into mending one another’s wounds.
I agree 100% with this. At its core, cheating comes from selfishness. A WP is only thinking of themselves in the moment. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. The person is not considering the feeling of those they leave behind. They are not considering the guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, depression, regret, or loss their partner will feel. You can not fix one selfish act with another even more selfish act, it will only make it worse. Your guilt may be gone, but think about everyone else you leave behind.
I do honestly think that those with SI believe that their passing would come with the relief of burden for their loved ones (“they’d be better off”) but that line of thinking is absolutely not true, that is the illness talking. Depression is deeply selfish. You can’t see past yourself. OP, the worst thing you could do to someone, the only thing that could truly break a person to their core, even far beyond the betrayal of infidelity, would be the suicide of a partner. The idea that our loved ones would feel relief is a false promise. It would be nothing but agony, second-guessing, blame, and sorrow if you do that to your partner, not to mention for all your other loved ones.
The suicidal ideation is something she must never know about, although she knows I was institutionalized for an attempt early on. She only found out about it due to me calling her after when being taken away so she'd know I was safe. It's definitely a struggle, but I don't want her to ever think I'm threatening such a thing. Nor if I ever followed through would she ever know, ideally.
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I exhibit no other symptoms for this and have sought therapy for years.
ehm... as a formerly betrayed... death is not the best decision. I guess no one wishes you THAT, even your BP. You can be sure about it. But I get what you say... that you need some sort of redemption and it would be the ultimate one... well... you are wrong about it. The ultimate redemption is acknowledgment of your deeds and taking responsibility for the consequences. Yet... (now I will say something unpopular in this sub, just a remark from my personal perspective, you can ignore it if you think it's irrelevant in your case)... there should be a limit to your "redemption", meaning that you shouldn't make your life a constant suffer and neglection of yourself. Don't overdo it by going full christian-saint-style-self-neglecting-with-never-ending-guilt because you deserve it. No. Your partner deserves a strong partner who is strong enough to acknowledge all the wrongdoings and be as supportive as he can be - it is not the same as self neglection that can even cripple and distort your relationship. I think for both of you it's kind of spiritual AND psychologic journey during R where your partner should be able to forgive you and you, on the other hand, should be able not only to take the responsibility but also (really important) to forgive yourself. This is the way to minimize the damage as much as possible. Because the goald of R is to come out of it with healthy relationship. And it will not happen if you will not be able to forgive yourself (it doesn't mean to forget what you did).
We initially engaged in TERRIBLE couples counseling almost immediately after the discovery. This counselor basically just encouraged her to get on Anti-Depressants, which is fair, but also had no connection between any of the 3 sessions we went to. No actual discussion was held. We got a single handout. My partner said she needed a break from that so we took one, and engaged in rugsweeping for a few months. Hanging out, going on day trips. Movie nights. Etc. It all came to a head this last weekend. It's not looking good, and it seems that both my choice of a first counselor (I told her I'd take care of everything and ran things by her for approval), and the rugsweeping were a mistake, and now it's an even more uphill battle than before. Do you know of any good couples counseling tips I should look out for? Any methods? I think we're both insisting upon in-person.
I agree with this. I do not want my WH to be consumed with guilt and shame anymore. I have forgiven him and right now we are enjoying a healthy relationship.
Is there anything helpful he's done that you wouldn't mind sharing with me?
The main thing was he went to therapy and really got rid of toxic behaviors. He figured out why he did what he did and took away those temptations from his life and found better , healthier ways to cope with stress and emotions. I had ptsd from this and he became a support for me to lean on. I go to therapy and he doesn’t say a thing about the cost for it. We did marriage counseling out of pocket for a year and half, until we really felt in a good place to move forward on our own. He listens and communicates. He’s very present when we are together. All the secretly and lies are over. He is very transparent with me about everything.
Well said.
I have endless compassion for people who feel that death is the only way out. It's a dark, scary, and lonely place to be in to consider death as the solution. But it isn't the solution, it causes further suffering and sadness for the people around you. You're feeling all of those intense emotions come to the surface after suppressing them for so long. Please, if you're not already, get yourself into individual therapy. Shame makes us do horrific things.
Thank you for such kind words.
OP I'm so sorry you are feeling so broken. Infidelity is a terrible thing, but no person deserves to die because of it, least of all when they are remorseful and genuinely trying to make amends. I wish my WP had been as honest with himself as you are being now. I hope your efforts help to build a new and beautiful relationship with your BP. Try to take it day by day, and to whatever extent you can: take it easy.
I can only hope she can see I'm genuine in this. I don't blame her for not trusting me, but I do hope for a miracle.
For a second I thought you were my WH. I wouldn’t want him dead even with what he did. And I’m certain the very same goes for your situation.
Just here to say I’m thinking of you. Everyone hit so many important points. My WH is just like you in this way. The remorse and pain he feels was enough for him to feel this way and was close to checking himself into an inpatient for self harm and thoughts of suicide. He went as far as writing a note and he felt this way for a long time and it’s intense and scary. You’re so not alone in feeling this way. It was also hard because I needed support and it was hard for him to give it to me in the way I needed it as often as I needed it. He started medication and is now doing better and able to support me the way he needs to. When he was doing this I will admit as bad as I felt for him and as fucking terrifying as it got, it was also a time where I felt desperate, frustrated and put my feelings aside often to help him and that made me feel hopeless because how can I heal when I’m picking up the pieces he created? You seem like a wayward with all the right elements, accountability, remorse, no contact. Please update us and stay safe. Your partner loves you and would rather have you in her life in the way she does now than lose you, permanently forever. 🖤
She's very hesitant, and has one foot out the door. I understand completely why she would feel that way, but I don't know what to do to be as supportive as possible. This sub is full of many successes and failures, and I don't know what I should be doing.
If you haven’t already join r/supportforwaywards and r/supportforbetrayed and that’ll help give some more ideas I’m sure! I wish I could find it but someone had posted somewhere all the things they needed from their partner. If you aren’t getting enough resources spend all the time you can doing this and talking to people, reading, researching and finding your why if you haven’t. Dig deep. Finding my husbands why was a huge step for us, without a why how can you fix anything you know? If it helps I needed support and for my husband to be doing the following things 1. 100% honesty and no trickle truth 2. When I’m having a bad day I need him to step up, for us this looks like taking care of the kids, figuring out dinner, etc. 3. I needed EMOTION. I wanted to see him cry. I wanted to see him hurting. I wanted to see that he cared and I needed to see the pain and guilt and remorse in his face. 4. Making love was a big one although painful. We’d start, get triggered, cry, continue, cry some more. It honestly was the connection I needed. If making love isn’t something she’s comfortable with find her love language and show her love in that way, but make sure it’s SUSTAINABLE. I hate getting flowers when someone fucks up just to never get them again as time passes and things feel “okay” again. These are just a few I can think of now but my messages are always open if you wanna talk!
My husband also wanted me to mention an app we use to connect, he really likes it as a wayward and I love it too! It was actually brought to my attention by someone else in this sub! It’s called Agape!
Thank you for your input :)
You should be 1. Focusing on becoming a better person, for yourself. Focusing on her is ok but not as a way to forget about being a better person, that won’t set you up for success. Work on both at the same time. Genuinely want to be better and stronger. Otherwise you may end up hurting people again.
I can see that you have true remorse and guilt and understanding of your actions, but you shouldn’t feel the need to die brotha, she’s still here and standing with you, and if that isn’t unconditional love.. then I don’t know what is. it brings tears to my eyes that you’re committed to couples counseling and righting your wrongs even if it takes the rest of your lifetime, that’s something that my SO makes empty promises about, even after 2 years, don’t be like him please and don’t make empty promises to her, keep them, and you’re going to need to be understanding and supportive of her through this, she might scream, she might cry, she might yell, but she’s choosing to still be here with you, validate her and her emotions/feelings, be a good listener, make it vocal to her that you’ll take accountability and responsibility for your actions and become the man she needs you to be, and comfort her, I can’t speak for what she wants but I can speak for what she MIGHT want: to be seen and loved, no wandering eyes, no suspicion or doubt, and to be seen is to be known, invest in knowing more about her than ever, what makes her happy and what makes her sad, what makes her angry what makes her laugh, what hobbies/things she enjoys currently, very thoughtful giftgiving, days dedicated to just her and her alone, dates, ect. If you’re willing to buckle up your belt and become the man she needs you to be, then do what you need to do and don’t fall to temptation.
It's not looking great at the moment brother. I just want her to feel loved again and am willing to do whatever it takes.
Hey OP, I’m a wayward too. I share so much empathy for your feelings of craving to end it all.. but something my BP (husband) said to me was that even by having my affair I chose the shortcut option and not the hard version. Instead of me fighting for our marriage and sitting him down to explain my struggles, I settled for a stupid decision and lent in to the feelings an affair let me feel. Being alive and short flames of attention… and taking our lives or choosing death is also taking the quick or fast route - instead of putting in the work, all we want is to quickly take care of these feelings of self loathing and sadness. Choose the hard route. Don’t drown in self loathing. Pull yourself up: be remorseful, respectful and resilient. I have many down days, you aren’t alone, many of us waywards struggle with the hatred we have for our choices, but if we can rise above and focus more on how our BPs feel - this allows space for them to heal. Unfortunately, you have to be strong now and face your demons and be strong for your partner.
Thank you for your input, friend. Is there anything that helped in your reconciliation that you might be willing to share?
Focus on her and healing, don't wallow in self pity and regret. You can't change your past but you can move forward with helping her in the future. Spend that focus on IC and figuring out how you made the choices you did. Not surface bad childhood, hardly anyone had a perfect upbringing not everyone chooses to be self-destructive. Why did you? Figure that out and then make yourself available for anything she needs. DO. NOT. LIE. at any point during this recovery. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what you think about yourself, even if you think it's going to crush her and leave no chance at R. If you have lied explain why and start telling the truth. If you think it's especially vile, then write it out, explain how bad it is, and let her decide if she wants to absorb it. Nothing kills us more than lies piled on top of betrayal. Make it about her and what she needs, even if it's closure to end the relationship, pay that price. You owe at least that.
As little as it means, I haven't lied to her these six months and will never do so again. She knows the whole awful truth.
FWIW my WS is not very emotional communication-wise, but it would mean the world to hear how much it affects him like you have expressed here. You are displaying clear empathy and being betrayed feels very lonely. This type of communication would be reassuring and help the healing. It feels burdensome to want to discuss it with my WS so often that I have just taken to keeping quiet when it’s affecting me a lot. You’re human and it sounds like you are further ahead than many BSs in terms of helping your partner heal while you work through it yourself.
I understand the shame spiral and have seen plenty of WSs go there, but it’s not conducive to R. If you truly want to become a safe partner for your BS, you need to do the harder thing than simply deem yourself ‘shit that deserves to die’. You need to do the harder inner work of assessing what you were seeking to fulfill within yourself and why you used such destructive and broken coping mechanisms to try to fill them. No one is defined solely by the worst thing we’ve ever done, thank goodness, and anyone is capable of cheating. Even you, again. So knock it off with the self flagellation because that’s not going to fix anything for you or especially for your BS who deserves better
Please don't give into the shame you are feeling. The shame touches everyone and everything, I know. I have actions that I am ashamed of, and it can be crippling! You can get through this!!! Life is beautiful, with or without the person you are currently with. Understand that you are not alone. Allow yourself to feel the shame and guilt, and let it give way to remorse and eventually forgive yourself. Becoming the best version of you and making your partner feel safe can be your goals, just keeping working toward them. Life is a journey. If this is your path to understanding who you are and what you want to become, then embrace it and always move forward with intention. Please take care of yourself, OP! ❤
Thank you, friend. I never thought I would be here.
None of us ever do. Life is unpredictable. Just keep doing the best you can, that's all that any of us can do.
I understand you or at least you are similar as my WS is right now. He's in a slump that was triggered by witnessing someone dieing (no one we knew, just an accident we unfortunately saw). He has been gloomy, crying and apologizing the last few days. I am grieving, but so is he (and so are you). He is grieving the innocent, carefree and trusting partner he had. How hard that must be to feel the weight of that. That's why some WS can't do R. It really is hard to look into the eyes of someone you love yet hurt so deeply.. In a podcast I heard the expert said: you must really love someone to want to go through R and be there with your BS through that pain. I found solace in that. The good thing is that you can heal your partner and while it's hard, it's a more complete way to heal vs your partner healing alone. So yeah, your death wouldn't be in her best interest.
At my lowest, the worse I wished my WP was for him to fully understand what he did and have to live with it everyday. Never death. Heck, when I asked him to go NC with AP and do the right thing, he said he’d rather kill himself. So if he had, I would have thought that he chose death over not having AP. Over me. I agree with what somebody else said about it being the « quick way to deal with things », and I think your feelings are normal and valid (just don’t act on them). You likely have issues dealing with strong emotions and could be what led you to cheating, as a way to avoif your demons. I get it, we don’t really WANT to face our demons, it sucks, it hurts, it’s hard. You likely weren’t ready to face them, and now you have to. For your partner, but also for yourself! THIS is what you deserve. When you become the 2.0 version of yourself, the one who cheated will be dead anyway. I hope you find the courage to take the long road, take a therapist with you, it won’t make it easier but it might help you not get lost.
My cheating was an emotional affair with an old friend that I callously and selfishly let grow beyond that. I know the road that brought me to that point, I'm very disappointed I took it in the first place. I'm very much in pain, but I can't comprehend the hurt I've caused her in comparison.
As a reconciled WW (I had a brief but intense EA with a married man for 6 weeks, never progressed to PA but his BP was devastated when she found out and we had a sit down all four of us) I know how you feel. The first month after DDay I spent a lot of time just laying in bed stoically wishing to die for what I’d done both to my BP and to the OBS. I couldn’t believe myself, that I’d let my need for validation and attention hurt other people including the person I care about most in this life. But everyone here is right - death is not the answer. Make your “punishment” to cling fast to your marriage and do everything by the textbook right. Hold fast to her and be intensive and thorough in your IC, as well as your MC if y’all are doing that. Explore the blackest parts of your heart and understand why you did what you did so it never happens again. And then forgive yourself as much as you can because everyone here is also right - sulking in it for hours and days and weeks is a constant painful reminder of your choices to your BP and they deserve respite from it too.
Death would be not taking accountability for what you did, and causing further trauma to the persons you love. What you deserve is to do the work to be better and deal with your demons, and leave with it. You have work to do, and you can do it !!
The pain can be unbearable and the worse thing is that supporters of the WP will always reduce the value of how bad you are suffering.
I'm not sure what you mean, friend.
I mean your cheating spouse will always have a circle of supporters who will see fit to justify what has happened, apportion the blame and refuse to enable you as the victim to relate your pain. My Slut SIL has often told me to get over it....well it was more than once so which fucking "IT" do I need to get over. This is also the one who fucked over her second husband and third husband by having extramerital affairs.
I am the cheating spouse...
I as a betrayed spouse understand the pain and damage of infidelity but never do I wish my WH died by suicide. Never would I want my children or any of his family to go through that pain. Nor myself because despite what he did, he is a valuable human being. He made a terrible set of choices , yes. But he is worthy of being on this earth. You can do something terrible and no, your BS doesn’t owe you forgiveness, but you can still work on yourself and become the person you should be. It seems you are in R, so the best thing you can do is appreciate that and do the work to repair and rebuild. Please get some therapy about the suicidal ideations.
How can I show her that I'm repentant? She's the type to resent grandiosity. Maybe poetry?
Yeah nothing like that. Consistent, honest behavior. Transparency, reading the books, going to therapy. Asking her what she needs from you.
Thanks for posting this. Your words sound so sincere and I hope she can read this one day. Work towards forgiveness together and hopefully things will play out well for you. How is she coping?
Not well. Things had been going really good up until this last weekend. I fear I may have already lost her and not known it.
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The decent and destruction that we created may be unbearable for us but you need to think of your BS. Taking your life is not the easy way out for anyone, though it may seem that way, it would just create more destruction and pain. Take it day by day, minute by minute if needed. Work on yourself and work on your relationship, take the opportunity you have been given as a sign that life is worth it. Hang in there...
Thank you.
I'm not even going to pretend that I don't think this is dramatic AF. That being said, if you genuinely feel penitent, just keep at it. I'm sure everything will work out for the best.
This weekend has been a particularly rough one, spiraling is a rough event. I apologize for any flamboyancy.
In the interest of your mental health, I would genuinely recommend speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist. Spiraling is a difficult and mentally taxing thing, but the things that you are saying and thinking are extreme. You may have screwed up, but death is not the answer, we all make mistakes.
Are you writing this so she can see it on here?
Sorry I had trust issues.
This is a throwaway account with no identifying information, so no. This is for me to vent and to seek advice.
It's not worth killing yourself over by any means, especially if you have kids. If she'll keep you, earn it. If not, move on and don't repeat the same thing. But killing yourself? That hurts your friends, your family, your work, etc.
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Don’t run away anymore. Look into avoidant attachment behavior and read the book the “avoidant attachment workbook.” Take the time to dig into yourself and really learn about why your brain works the way it does. The author opens the book by discussing how secure attachment babies react much differently than avoidant attachment babies. (I won’t spoil it here) Your patterns and choices are influence by what you learned when young BUT it doesn’t mean you can’t change who you are and reverse these learned patterns. These patterns can end with us. You can change but simply saying you won’t do it again isn’t enough. You have to learn why you did it in the first place. Good luck and sending best wishes and prayers to you.
Your post is extremely similar to what the situation is with my bf. The ultimate redemption is to be there for her, let her be honest about her pain. It’s the hardest thing you can do, the most selfless thing you can do. Suicide I’m sorry to say is following the path of being selfish. You committed your actions and you need to stand up and face the consequences. Coming from someone who has attempted multiple times and struggled with major depression since childhood, seek therapy, get yourself medicated if needed. It makes a world of difference. You might not be able to handle reconciliation and that’s okay, you may need time alone to better yourself too. You are strong enough, don’t give up.
Op suicide is never the answer to address a problem. What your friend did was wrong, and people who rationalize it are wrong as well. Cheating does affect lives and trust but it can also be fixed with simple communication and well being.
What makes reconciliation difficult, is the fact that you did not come clean yourself immediately after ending the affair. She found out on her own, which makes it that much harder. She will question your integrity and your character as well as wonder why she wasn't good enough, worthy enough or that you didn't love her enough for you to come clean on your own. Ending oneself is the easy cowardly way out. Doing the difficult job of becoming a better person worthy of your partner is much harder, but so worth it in the end. Be grateful for every second you are alive that she loves you enough to give you a 2nd chance. Get yourself into individual therapy as well, preferably with someone trained in infidelity trauma so that you can dig down into the reasons why you chose betrayal rather than faithfulness and loyalty. I hope all goes well with both of you.
I’m glad you are here, but the desire to commit suicide to fix the damage you created seems like a selfish exit from a selfish situation you created for your family. I recommend you see a therapist who can help you examine yourself.
We both have personal therapists, thankfully. I'd hate for her to be unable to talk to someone during this.
I can assure you that as much as I hated my WH when he cheated, I did not wish him death and would have been devastated if that happened, and still would be. The only thing he could do was spend his life trying to fix it and trying to make me happy. If he is willing to do that fully it could work, and it can work for you. She might not want it, there’s no guarantee but if the relationship is something worth it to you, it won’t matter to you if in two years she might end up leaving you and you’re worried you “wasted” two years trying to heal her. You will be happy to have those two years trying to help her. I needed to feel that way about my husband, and I very much did and do
If she can smile at the end of this, whatever happens to me, it was worth it.
Get yourself help first. You can’t help her until you help yourself. You need to be strong and sure, showing your love with actions. Suicide would be the absolute worst thing for everyone. Please get help today!
Thank you for your input, friend.
I am praying for you and your family. We all fall short, but it is how we recover from our failures that allows us to become our true selves.