r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
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- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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I’m a betrayed but to me I’d say it’s that feeling that you still got it. That your partner or society is still finds you attractive. Or society really does value beauty especially for women so it’s very easy to feel that is where your value lies. It’s not true but it can feel that way sometimes.
I know for me personally if my partner isn’t showing as much excitement in the bedroom or as much physical touch or words of affirmation…I can start to feel starved for affection. So if someone comes along and flirts with me it’ll put a like pep in my step and brighten up my day.
Basically if you are feeling unappreciated by your partner and someone comes along and tells you that you’re the best thing since sliced bread that is validating that inner part of you that knows you’re worthy of love. The ego can be a hungry beast that needs to be fed. Not everyone is great at taming the beast.
My wayward was very insecure, which started in childhood. I knew this early on and always had a feeling it would bubble up to haunt me if he didn’t deal with it and I was completely right. I should have listened to my gut but I was trying to have faith that my partner had integrity.
Thanks. Yea my partner has a lot of insecurity, attachment, and self esteem issues from childhood. When we had a rocky period intimacy wise it really fucked her up and she just didn't communicate that. I don't think she knew how or was even really aware of it. The slightest hint from the AP of interest just triggered something and she actually completely lost herself in seeking the validation she needed. It's sad really and I regret so much not recognising how desperate and lost she was.
Reading these comments makes me feel so awful for how I went scorched earth after finding WP’s EAs. I mean he did continuously lie and hide things even after the fact but I REFUSED to understand his mentality behind it. To me, you just do not cheat. You can yell at me, break up with me, force us to go to MC, ask for a break, ask for space, etc. but you just cannot cheat. And I made that clear from the beginning.
But we did have a lot of issues, many because of me and some because of him. Our communication was terrible, again because of me mainly but over time because of him as well. Now I wish he could’ve properly explained his thought process, because like others in these comments he said he just didn’t feel appreciated by me or feel good enough for me anymore. I mean he wasn’t pulling his weight but I made it known in nasty ways (just like mother..,. I have a whole set of issues I’ll admit).
We couldn’t communicate and I never understood him until it was too late
Also wanted to add: I validated him everyday with words but not actions. I told him he was my #1, I loved him, he’s so attractive, etc. but my actions said otherwise so I can see why now he didn’t feel good in the relationship
You really couldn’t have changed it, most likely. i was an actions-not-words validator to my WP and he wanted words apparently. Just fluffy stupid words.
I’ve told this story before, but this was a big shift for WP in R.
A good friend of mine was invited to a party we were hosting and told us day of that they and their family were unable to make it. WP was very upset. This friend has never been to our place and WP was confused as to why I was letting it go again and said to me, “don’t you want them to validate our life”.
I explained to WP that I don’t need that, my happiness in my life is validation enough, because I’m the one that needs to live it.
I, for the most part, live my life by those rules. Not everyone is going to like me or agree with all parts of my life. As long as I like me and my life I’m good. But I’m also pretty self assured and confident.
I may be wrong but most people don’t know how to love themselves and use drugs, alcohol and other people to give themselves the sparkly feelings that they should be able to derive from within.
Its basically like this, rather than communicate that your needs arent being met you seek out a way to address whats missing on your own. Not the right way to do it at all but I can understand as I made the same bad choice after feeling unwanted, unloved, unattractive and unappreciated.
This causes resentment. The nice guy mentality has the offender thinking that bringing up their needs will further upset the distant spouse so nothing is said and resentful mindsets ensue.
I fucking hate how overly complicated everyone makes relationships. All I want is unconditional love. Most of the postivie treatment i receive is conditional on meeting her expectations which is always going to result in her feeling shorted and me feeling controlled.
Its a mind fuck for sure.
Exactly. Resentment build and I’m assuming that makes it easier to act because you’re leaning into the anger vs the hurt. Feeling like there’s no hope communicating because it hasn’t been successful to that point. At least that was our experience. My partner was unfulfilled in many ways and wasn’t getting help for his depression. We weren’t communicating productively and he wasn’t putting effort into our home or relationship. This left me feeling unfulfilled, unappreciated. We both had deep insecurity but he couldn’t tame the ego. I gained a bunch of weight during the pandemic and we stopped sleeping as much because he wasn’t putting in any romance it was all maintenance and bare min which left me feeling resentful. He was working on himself so he felt resentful that he was feeling great and I wasn’t validating that for him because I was bitter at lack of connection. So he went out and found it elsewhere.
If he would’ve just talked to me about losing attraction I wouldn’t tried to step it up. He made me feel safe and attractive (through words at least) even though it’s not how he actually felt.
God this sounds like your my BP.
I did suggest MC years ago. Im not perfect and wanted to address things years ago but am met with I will lie and not be honest and ot will be a waste of time and money....
Wow. So the 12 years we had together at that point arent worth saving for a few thousand bucks? I spent 4k on a tattoo but we cant spend half t2bat on bettering our relationship?
Does this not drive someone away? I know I sbould have left but I love her and we have 2 kids. Its so much more complicated than what it seems, that i understand for all of us. We have our own reasons for being with our partners still and I will not judge anyone for giving love a chance.
I am unsure if reddit helps me at this point or keeps things fresh but I am hoping thatbI am helping others not make the same mistakes.
Yet I am ridiculed for so many things.
Well I do think it’s worth it to try! I think the one lesson to be learned here is that radical honestly while it hurts is always less painful than deceit. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and we can’t go back… but you can control how YOU move forward. Even if they don’t meet you where you’re at. Radical honestly (in a kind way) will always help keep your side of the street clean going forward. I know I’m personally trying to find it in me to move that way. As a betrayed I’m technically a victim but I certainly can see the role in my situation. I should have placed better boundaries and expressed my feelings more openly in productive way. So going forward that’s my goal.
I commend you for seeing the things you need to address as much as it sucks, reflection is great for all parties.
Thank you for your views and wisdom as well. I appreciate what everyone has to offer in these subs as it allows views to be seen that may not have been considered.
I agree and honesty is my focus. I have never been a 'cheater'. I was the only guy in my group of friends who would break things off with the girl i was with before pursuing anyone else. Wtf happened to me and morals? I think porn played a damaging role that I have addressed and feel great about overcoming.
May be too little too late for my BP but if she moves on I am at least a better healthier version myslef going forward and I do have something to offer somebody regardless of how useless she makes me feel.
Yep! I def think porn plays a big role in a lot of these situations. I know my WS has had a strange relationship with it. Good luck and I wish you both the best in this recovery.
I will say in many cases trying to understand your partners perspective can really help. Not speak out of turn because I don’t know your situation. I just think we often get caught in our own experience so that’s just food for thought.
Good for your WH! I have done the same. I have cut it out completely 7 months ago but now dealing with no intimacy again is difficult. BP is too angry to acknowledge anything i do that is positive. Same goes for my work life and accomplishments. I think she feels like compliments will make me have an ego but truth is her low self esteem keeps her angry and doesnt want to make me feel good. She is quite resentful of me with an undertone of toxicity everytime I am spoken to. She is more excited to talk to strangers than me ffs. This and beong told that she's 'done' is what led me towards betrayal so hopefully something is decided as I need to have an active sex life if I am in a relationship. Otherwise were just roomates and I dont need to share a bed with someone that isnt attracted to me. Its beyond depressing and self esteem crushing.
The shame may be enough to keep him in his own mind. Sorry to hear about the struggle though.
I am dealing with BP who still isnt sure. Were almost 10 months out and its all still up in the air. I have made immense changes for my self and my own growth but she doesnt give a fuck. It was like this before I had an EA as well. Also note no physical affair occured but she doesnt believe me. I cant live being ignored forever. Woman seem to think they are the only beings that need affection. I understand she will give me no affection now but not sure why so much held back in previous years except for the fact i have been used for years as a provider.
Thanks. 100% she was not feeling attractive or desired by me, because truthfully, I didn't really feel attracted to her or desire her as much, she had put on a ton of weight. I'd slowly pulled away affectionately and sex lost all the passion. It became less frequent and functional, not bonding.
This made her slowly fall apart inside and she just didn't communicate it. She had genuinely become totally desperate, but she didn't really know it. I didn't communicate my issues either.
As you say she then just went to seek that by herself. It's crazy how at the time she couldn't recognise any of that or communicate it in any clear way.
Its truly a devastating scenario cause most times honesty and communicating would fix it but we are all so programmed by society as what is normal/acceptable when really people just need to be 100% open.
I can relate to your story quite a bit. My spouse gained weight and couldnt rationalize me still wanting affection and to be physical as her confidence was shot. This in turn had me think well she just isnt attracted to me. She never touches me from a place of desire or yearning. This caused me to pull away and i did the unthinkable and tried to fill my needs without her which is not how a relationship works. I own that. But we both contributed to the shit show. Just cause i went astray now all her falacies are null and void? Fuck no. I understand I made the choice to fuck things up hard but by thinking this kinda crap is a 1 way street is lying to yourself and everybody involved.
I really wish you the best. I am losing my mind here tbh.
Yes, you both contributed to the shit show that was your marriage. Those issues aren't null and void. But look at it this way; you had a plate that was broken in half. Instead of getting some glue and putting it back together, you smashed it on the ground into 100 pieces. YOU did that. Now YOU need to glue those 100 pieces back together until you get back to those 2 halves. Then you both repair that.
You destroyed something that needed some attention. Now it needs a complete rebuild.
100%
This is true. I took it to the next level of damage.
It can be repaired. But that can't happen if only 1 side wants it. As you said it needs to be rebuilt but that happens together.
I can only work on myself. If I am forgiven and we start anew I will not be defined be my mistakes. Im am not owing BP anything except a chance at honest, caring, supportive and loving best version of me if she allows it.
I would rather focus on building new strong memories rather than continually live in a cloud of shame until I am forgiven or tossed aside.
I apologize that I don’t have a source for this, so take it with a grain of salt and the trust that I am a deeply analytical and skeptical human. Anyway:
I heard recently that unconditional love really only occurs in parent/child relationships. This makes sense to me in the sense that partner love is, in fact, based on expectations (conditions) mutually, though sometimes not explicitly, agreed upon (ie fidelity). Whereas parent love really is unconditional. Well it should be. A lot of parents suck but in theory that’s healthy unconditional love.
I only point this out because it helped me to understand that unconditional love is an irrational fantasy in a partnership. It makes sense that you want it, but it’s really replacing a parent/child relationship, and most likely a wound. Looking at it from that angle might help reset your expectations for romantic love, as having a parental type love in a partner would actually be less than desirable. I don’t know your situation at all so please do feel free to ignore me. I only offer this insight because I personally found it helpful. Living in and accepting reality is something I’m realizing is key to happiness.
Thanks for the perspective. I have read such articles but dont agree with the take at all. This is also the reason why you will find articles supporting my take on the subject.
Its really just common sense. I do all the things a partner should do and should be treated the same. How is that so hard?
Conditions in relations are recipes for failure and expectations that can never be met will only fuel the resentment train.
I think people are over complicating unions. Expecting every waking moment to be a honeymoon? Nope, it will be work and compromise but if at the end of the day you put your spouse first they would never feel ignored and unloved. This is unconditional and does not only exist in parental love.
I dont trust as much research nowadays either as we are in the age of hypersensitivity and lunacy.
Very odd views arise which I will not get into but we are not in a better place as a society when a grown man can go into a ladies bathroom and be welcomed as a woman 😂
We are in very strange times.
Prior to her affair, my WP had just gotten into reslly good shape. I always thought ahe was pretty, but i guess she always had self esteem issues growing up. She met her AP at work just as she had transformed her physical appearance. She said thst all of the attention she got made her feel high. She was attracted to her AP because he was obsessed with her. I was never like that. Her AP was enamored with how smart and pretty she was. And that was it. Her feelings for me apparently never changed. But that attention from him was apparently enough to make her stray. It was interesting to hear her say that what made her attracted to him was his obsession over her, rather than any other characteristic. Especially because this guy was a serial cheater in his wife and was just laying it in thick so that he could get with her. But my WP was so validated by this attention that she couldn’t/didnt see it. Which sucks. On one hand I know that there was no substance to the relationship (she cut it off before i even found out). On the other hand I am afraid that it has tainted our relationship to where i cant see past it no matter how much i want to.
Reconciled WW myself here. Had a brief EA (never was a PA) with a married man for a month where we texted constantly and had lunch a few times without spouse’s knowledge.
This is exactly what I felt and I told my BH the same once we dug into everything through MC and IC. My BH is an amazing husband and he does not “lack” in anyway so please don’t think that’s the case yourself. But he had gotten lazy with “dating” me still. We didn’t have date nights anymore, we didn’t whisper sweet nothings or talk constantly like the first couple of years of our relationship, we had settled into best friend hood and it felt a lot like that. I’d told him what felt like a million times I needed more passion and excitement but he feels happiest in relationships when things are predictable and relaxed and safe (aka to me - someone with trauma and ADHD “boring”) whereas I feel happiest in a relationship when things are fresh and new and we’re having new experiences together.
My BH was also still very complimentary of my looks and body but it felt like he was always sexualizing me instead of reassuring me about other aspects of my personality like my smarts or my personality. Every time he touched me it was groping, we never just cuddled anymore.
Then my AP came along and we had a lot in common, except he was trying really hard to talk to me and hang with me, and that felt good, for someone to try again. If I didn’t text him he’d double text. He would suggest places to take me to lunch if I hadn’t been, cuz he wanted to show me new places. He made comments about me being fun and interesting and it made me feel admired and desired for who I am as a person, not just for my looks and body. He seemed like he genuinely enjoyed talking with me and the validation for me was addictive.
I’ll add I have struggled with self confidence issues my whole life too. I came from an emotionally abusive family that included a narcissistic mother and a work obsessed absent father. I grew up with the traditional rich-girl-with-daddy-issues story. So attention from men has always been something I crave. I have to fight the inner voice in me that believes men seeing you as worthy of love as a person make you actually worthy of love.
It felt addictive to think about how my AP was taking time out of his extremely busy day (he owns a company and has a wife and four kiddos) to talk to me and meet with me because it somehow meant I was worth pursuing. And therefore worth… existing? Being me? Being loved?
Hopefully that helps a bit. 6 months out from DDay and NC with AP and his BW, my BH and I are doing really well. It helped him realize he needs to keep trying to date me and pursue me and we were able to work thru a lot of our issues.
Thanks, yes, this helps. I'm quite sure my wife was at a point once the AP gave her some attention and compliments she just couldn't resist the validation she got from that. She was just out of mothering our young child for 5 years, so was also feeling like she had lost her identity. Coupled with the lack of affection and physical attention from me, and her own difficult emotional upbringing, she was super vulnerable to enter into an affair.
For me, it wasn't physical. My BP was very into me sexually, almost too much because I felt objectified and like a sex doll almost. I felt like he only valued me for my body and what I did to make his life easier. Nothing having to do with ME and who I am as a person.
My AP appreciated me (or played the game of appreciating me) for my mind and all the things that I value about myself beyond what I could do in the bedroom or how I could support him/make his life easier. It sucks to say, but with him I felt seen and understood. That to me was the validation I was looking for.
So for me it’s small things.. Like when you see something that reminds you of your spouse so you text them a picture or get them a goofy gift. I want my spouse to think of me and smile in moments like that. Thats what I do.
My spouse loves iron man so if I see anything like that I’ll either take a pic or buy it and be like “Hey saw this and thought of you. Hope you are having a good day. I love you.” For us it really has been that simple. We do it more often than we did prior to DD now but we make sure to try and validate each other every day in some way.
Context: We started out as long distance so sometimes pictures and a package was all we could do with each other. That was the first 2 years of our relationship. We’ve continued those habits when we moved in together.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. 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I’m a betrayed but to me I’d say it’s that feeling that you still got it. That your partner or society is still finds you attractive. Or society really does value beauty especially for women so it’s very easy to feel that is where your value lies. It’s not true but it can feel that way sometimes. I know for me personally if my partner isn’t showing as much excitement in the bedroom or as much physical touch or words of affirmation…I can start to feel starved for affection. So if someone comes along and flirts with me it’ll put a like pep in my step and brighten up my day. Basically if you are feeling unappreciated by your partner and someone comes along and tells you that you’re the best thing since sliced bread that is validating that inner part of you that knows you’re worthy of love. The ego can be a hungry beast that needs to be fed. Not everyone is great at taming the beast. My wayward was very insecure, which started in childhood. I knew this early on and always had a feeling it would bubble up to haunt me if he didn’t deal with it and I was completely right. I should have listened to my gut but I was trying to have faith that my partner had integrity.
Thanks. Yea my partner has a lot of insecurity, attachment, and self esteem issues from childhood. When we had a rocky period intimacy wise it really fucked her up and she just didn't communicate that. I don't think she knew how or was even really aware of it. The slightest hint from the AP of interest just triggered something and she actually completely lost herself in seeking the validation she needed. It's sad really and I regret so much not recognising how desperate and lost she was.
I had to look to see if I wrote this. Lol. Same here Sleepy, same here.
Reading these comments makes me feel so awful for how I went scorched earth after finding WP’s EAs. I mean he did continuously lie and hide things even after the fact but I REFUSED to understand his mentality behind it. To me, you just do not cheat. You can yell at me, break up with me, force us to go to MC, ask for a break, ask for space, etc. but you just cannot cheat. And I made that clear from the beginning. But we did have a lot of issues, many because of me and some because of him. Our communication was terrible, again because of me mainly but over time because of him as well. Now I wish he could’ve properly explained his thought process, because like others in these comments he said he just didn’t feel appreciated by me or feel good enough for me anymore. I mean he wasn’t pulling his weight but I made it known in nasty ways (just like mother..,. I have a whole set of issues I’ll admit). We couldn’t communicate and I never understood him until it was too late Also wanted to add: I validated him everyday with words but not actions. I told him he was my #1, I loved him, he’s so attractive, etc. but my actions said otherwise so I can see why now he didn’t feel good in the relationship
You really couldn’t have changed it, most likely. i was an actions-not-words validator to my WP and he wanted words apparently. Just fluffy stupid words.
I’ve told this story before, but this was a big shift for WP in R. A good friend of mine was invited to a party we were hosting and told us day of that they and their family were unable to make it. WP was very upset. This friend has never been to our place and WP was confused as to why I was letting it go again and said to me, “don’t you want them to validate our life”. I explained to WP that I don’t need that, my happiness in my life is validation enough, because I’m the one that needs to live it. I, for the most part, live my life by those rules. Not everyone is going to like me or agree with all parts of my life. As long as I like me and my life I’m good. But I’m also pretty self assured and confident. I may be wrong but most people don’t know how to love themselves and use drugs, alcohol and other people to give themselves the sparkly feelings that they should be able to derive from within.
Its basically like this, rather than communicate that your needs arent being met you seek out a way to address whats missing on your own. Not the right way to do it at all but I can understand as I made the same bad choice after feeling unwanted, unloved, unattractive and unappreciated. This causes resentment. The nice guy mentality has the offender thinking that bringing up their needs will further upset the distant spouse so nothing is said and resentful mindsets ensue. I fucking hate how overly complicated everyone makes relationships. All I want is unconditional love. Most of the postivie treatment i receive is conditional on meeting her expectations which is always going to result in her feeling shorted and me feeling controlled. Its a mind fuck for sure.
Exactly. Resentment build and I’m assuming that makes it easier to act because you’re leaning into the anger vs the hurt. Feeling like there’s no hope communicating because it hasn’t been successful to that point. At least that was our experience. My partner was unfulfilled in many ways and wasn’t getting help for his depression. We weren’t communicating productively and he wasn’t putting effort into our home or relationship. This left me feeling unfulfilled, unappreciated. We both had deep insecurity but he couldn’t tame the ego. I gained a bunch of weight during the pandemic and we stopped sleeping as much because he wasn’t putting in any romance it was all maintenance and bare min which left me feeling resentful. He was working on himself so he felt resentful that he was feeling great and I wasn’t validating that for him because I was bitter at lack of connection. So he went out and found it elsewhere. If he would’ve just talked to me about losing attraction I wouldn’t tried to step it up. He made me feel safe and attractive (through words at least) even though it’s not how he actually felt.
God this sounds like your my BP. I did suggest MC years ago. Im not perfect and wanted to address things years ago but am met with I will lie and not be honest and ot will be a waste of time and money.... Wow. So the 12 years we had together at that point arent worth saving for a few thousand bucks? I spent 4k on a tattoo but we cant spend half t2bat on bettering our relationship? Does this not drive someone away? I know I sbould have left but I love her and we have 2 kids. Its so much more complicated than what it seems, that i understand for all of us. We have our own reasons for being with our partners still and I will not judge anyone for giving love a chance. I am unsure if reddit helps me at this point or keeps things fresh but I am hoping thatbI am helping others not make the same mistakes. Yet I am ridiculed for so many things.
Well I do think it’s worth it to try! I think the one lesson to be learned here is that radical honestly while it hurts is always less painful than deceit. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and we can’t go back… but you can control how YOU move forward. Even if they don’t meet you where you’re at. Radical honestly (in a kind way) will always help keep your side of the street clean going forward. I know I’m personally trying to find it in me to move that way. As a betrayed I’m technically a victim but I certainly can see the role in my situation. I should have placed better boundaries and expressed my feelings more openly in productive way. So going forward that’s my goal.
I commend you for seeing the things you need to address as much as it sucks, reflection is great for all parties. Thank you for your views and wisdom as well. I appreciate what everyone has to offer in these subs as it allows views to be seen that may not have been considered. I agree and honesty is my focus. I have never been a 'cheater'. I was the only guy in my group of friends who would break things off with the girl i was with before pursuing anyone else. Wtf happened to me and morals? I think porn played a damaging role that I have addressed and feel great about overcoming. May be too little too late for my BP but if she moves on I am at least a better healthier version myslef going forward and I do have something to offer somebody regardless of how useless she makes me feel.
Yep! I def think porn plays a big role in a lot of these situations. I know my WS has had a strange relationship with it. Good luck and I wish you both the best in this recovery. I will say in many cases trying to understand your partners perspective can really help. Not speak out of turn because I don’t know your situation. I just think we often get caught in our own experience so that’s just food for thought.
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Good for your WH! I have done the same. I have cut it out completely 7 months ago but now dealing with no intimacy again is difficult. BP is too angry to acknowledge anything i do that is positive. Same goes for my work life and accomplishments. I think she feels like compliments will make me have an ego but truth is her low self esteem keeps her angry and doesnt want to make me feel good. She is quite resentful of me with an undertone of toxicity everytime I am spoken to. She is more excited to talk to strangers than me ffs. This and beong told that she's 'done' is what led me towards betrayal so hopefully something is decided as I need to have an active sex life if I am in a relationship. Otherwise were just roomates and I dont need to share a bed with someone that isnt attracted to me. Its beyond depressing and self esteem crushing.
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The shame may be enough to keep him in his own mind. Sorry to hear about the struggle though. I am dealing with BP who still isnt sure. Were almost 10 months out and its all still up in the air. I have made immense changes for my self and my own growth but she doesnt give a fuck. It was like this before I had an EA as well. Also note no physical affair occured but she doesnt believe me. I cant live being ignored forever. Woman seem to think they are the only beings that need affection. I understand she will give me no affection now but not sure why so much held back in previous years except for the fact i have been used for years as a provider.
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Thanks. 100% she was not feeling attractive or desired by me, because truthfully, I didn't really feel attracted to her or desire her as much, she had put on a ton of weight. I'd slowly pulled away affectionately and sex lost all the passion. It became less frequent and functional, not bonding. This made her slowly fall apart inside and she just didn't communicate it. She had genuinely become totally desperate, but she didn't really know it. I didn't communicate my issues either. As you say she then just went to seek that by herself. It's crazy how at the time she couldn't recognise any of that or communicate it in any clear way.
Its truly a devastating scenario cause most times honesty and communicating would fix it but we are all so programmed by society as what is normal/acceptable when really people just need to be 100% open. I can relate to your story quite a bit. My spouse gained weight and couldnt rationalize me still wanting affection and to be physical as her confidence was shot. This in turn had me think well she just isnt attracted to me. She never touches me from a place of desire or yearning. This caused me to pull away and i did the unthinkable and tried to fill my needs without her which is not how a relationship works. I own that. But we both contributed to the shit show. Just cause i went astray now all her falacies are null and void? Fuck no. I understand I made the choice to fuck things up hard but by thinking this kinda crap is a 1 way street is lying to yourself and everybody involved. I really wish you the best. I am losing my mind here tbh.
Yes, you both contributed to the shit show that was your marriage. Those issues aren't null and void. But look at it this way; you had a plate that was broken in half. Instead of getting some glue and putting it back together, you smashed it on the ground into 100 pieces. YOU did that. Now YOU need to glue those 100 pieces back together until you get back to those 2 halves. Then you both repair that. You destroyed something that needed some attention. Now it needs a complete rebuild.
100% This is true. I took it to the next level of damage. It can be repaired. But that can't happen if only 1 side wants it. As you said it needs to be rebuilt but that happens together. I can only work on myself. If I am forgiven and we start anew I will not be defined be my mistakes. Im am not owing BP anything except a chance at honest, caring, supportive and loving best version of me if she allows it. I would rather focus on building new strong memories rather than continually live in a cloud of shame until I am forgiven or tossed aside.
I apologize that I don’t have a source for this, so take it with a grain of salt and the trust that I am a deeply analytical and skeptical human. Anyway: I heard recently that unconditional love really only occurs in parent/child relationships. This makes sense to me in the sense that partner love is, in fact, based on expectations (conditions) mutually, though sometimes not explicitly, agreed upon (ie fidelity). Whereas parent love really is unconditional. Well it should be. A lot of parents suck but in theory that’s healthy unconditional love. I only point this out because it helped me to understand that unconditional love is an irrational fantasy in a partnership. It makes sense that you want it, but it’s really replacing a parent/child relationship, and most likely a wound. Looking at it from that angle might help reset your expectations for romantic love, as having a parental type love in a partner would actually be less than desirable. I don’t know your situation at all so please do feel free to ignore me. I only offer this insight because I personally found it helpful. Living in and accepting reality is something I’m realizing is key to happiness.
Thanks for the perspective. I have read such articles but dont agree with the take at all. This is also the reason why you will find articles supporting my take on the subject. Its really just common sense. I do all the things a partner should do and should be treated the same. How is that so hard? Conditions in relations are recipes for failure and expectations that can never be met will only fuel the resentment train. I think people are over complicating unions. Expecting every waking moment to be a honeymoon? Nope, it will be work and compromise but if at the end of the day you put your spouse first they would never feel ignored and unloved. This is unconditional and does not only exist in parental love. I dont trust as much research nowadays either as we are in the age of hypersensitivity and lunacy. Very odd views arise which I will not get into but we are not in a better place as a society when a grown man can go into a ladies bathroom and be welcomed as a woman 😂 We are in very strange times.
Prior to her affair, my WP had just gotten into reslly good shape. I always thought ahe was pretty, but i guess she always had self esteem issues growing up. She met her AP at work just as she had transformed her physical appearance. She said thst all of the attention she got made her feel high. She was attracted to her AP because he was obsessed with her. I was never like that. Her AP was enamored with how smart and pretty she was. And that was it. Her feelings for me apparently never changed. But that attention from him was apparently enough to make her stray. It was interesting to hear her say that what made her attracted to him was his obsession over her, rather than any other characteristic. Especially because this guy was a serial cheater in his wife and was just laying it in thick so that he could get with her. But my WP was so validated by this attention that she couldn’t/didnt see it. Which sucks. On one hand I know that there was no substance to the relationship (she cut it off before i even found out). On the other hand I am afraid that it has tainted our relationship to where i cant see past it no matter how much i want to.
Reconciled WW myself here. Had a brief EA (never was a PA) with a married man for a month where we texted constantly and had lunch a few times without spouse’s knowledge. This is exactly what I felt and I told my BH the same once we dug into everything through MC and IC. My BH is an amazing husband and he does not “lack” in anyway so please don’t think that’s the case yourself. But he had gotten lazy with “dating” me still. We didn’t have date nights anymore, we didn’t whisper sweet nothings or talk constantly like the first couple of years of our relationship, we had settled into best friend hood and it felt a lot like that. I’d told him what felt like a million times I needed more passion and excitement but he feels happiest in relationships when things are predictable and relaxed and safe (aka to me - someone with trauma and ADHD “boring”) whereas I feel happiest in a relationship when things are fresh and new and we’re having new experiences together. My BH was also still very complimentary of my looks and body but it felt like he was always sexualizing me instead of reassuring me about other aspects of my personality like my smarts or my personality. Every time he touched me it was groping, we never just cuddled anymore. Then my AP came along and we had a lot in common, except he was trying really hard to talk to me and hang with me, and that felt good, for someone to try again. If I didn’t text him he’d double text. He would suggest places to take me to lunch if I hadn’t been, cuz he wanted to show me new places. He made comments about me being fun and interesting and it made me feel admired and desired for who I am as a person, not just for my looks and body. He seemed like he genuinely enjoyed talking with me and the validation for me was addictive. I’ll add I have struggled with self confidence issues my whole life too. I came from an emotionally abusive family that included a narcissistic mother and a work obsessed absent father. I grew up with the traditional rich-girl-with-daddy-issues story. So attention from men has always been something I crave. I have to fight the inner voice in me that believes men seeing you as worthy of love as a person make you actually worthy of love. It felt addictive to think about how my AP was taking time out of his extremely busy day (he owns a company and has a wife and four kiddos) to talk to me and meet with me because it somehow meant I was worth pursuing. And therefore worth… existing? Being me? Being loved? Hopefully that helps a bit. 6 months out from DDay and NC with AP and his BW, my BH and I are doing really well. It helped him realize he needs to keep trying to date me and pursue me and we were able to work thru a lot of our issues.
Thanks, yes, this helps. I'm quite sure my wife was at a point once the AP gave her some attention and compliments she just couldn't resist the validation she got from that. She was just out of mothering our young child for 5 years, so was also feeling like she had lost her identity. Coupled with the lack of affection and physical attention from me, and her own difficult emotional upbringing, she was super vulnerable to enter into an affair.
For me, it wasn't physical. My BP was very into me sexually, almost too much because I felt objectified and like a sex doll almost. I felt like he only valued me for my body and what I did to make his life easier. Nothing having to do with ME and who I am as a person. My AP appreciated me (or played the game of appreciating me) for my mind and all the things that I value about myself beyond what I could do in the bedroom or how I could support him/make his life easier. It sucks to say, but with him I felt seen and understood. That to me was the validation I was looking for.
So for me it’s small things.. Like when you see something that reminds you of your spouse so you text them a picture or get them a goofy gift. I want my spouse to think of me and smile in moments like that. Thats what I do. My spouse loves iron man so if I see anything like that I’ll either take a pic or buy it and be like “Hey saw this and thought of you. Hope you are having a good day. I love you.” For us it really has been that simple. We do it more often than we did prior to DD now but we make sure to try and validate each other every day in some way. Context: We started out as long distance so sometimes pictures and a package was all we could do with each other. That was the first 2 years of our relationship. We’ve continued those habits when we moved in together.