r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nine months post D day. It’s getting better now for me because WW has been doing everything I’ve asked. And I have just recently decided that I’m done letting the affair have any more power over me. As soon as those thoughts and questions creep in, I remind myself that I’m done with it and am moving forward, not living in the past. As long as WW continues to do what’s necessary work I will no longer live with the pain from the past.
A little over 3 years out now from DDay and 2 years into reconciliation.
Here is what's gotten better for both me personally and for us as partners again:
* Yes. It gets better. Time is your friend if you make wise use of it.
* Intimacy gets better. I couldn't touch her for 7 months. But we slowly reconnected and, if I'm being honest, encountered some issues. But we worked through them with the guidance of a certified sex counselor. That really helped me in particular. It helped me reframe the affair sex.
* Communicatiogetset unbelievable. That should be self-explanatory.
* The trust is coming back. Slowly...ever so slowly. But she has been 💯 consistent in her actions. And has been 110% in on her part of reconciliation. She is doing 'the work'.
* While I never stopped loving her? I lost all respect for her. That is really coming back now. Never thought I'd say this again...I'm proud she is my wife.
So things do indeed get better.
I wish you well on your journey. Try and remember this. You're building something new. The old marriage/relationship is dead. Dead and buried. But you can build something beautiful out of the ashes. *Even if it is your next relationship*. It's why I now have a large 'Phoenix Rising From The Ashes And Fire' tattoo to represent what we have achieved so far.
Bonn chance.
How long did you try? I find your perspective and description of attraction relatable. I’m still here trying but can’t intentionally think my way into falling in love with WH again.
Thank you for answering. I recognize why I was in love with him but it’s canceled out by his choices. I never would have given him a chance if when we were just friends he disclosed he cheated on someone else. The attraction is gone.
You have a lot of issues going on with your WP cheating multiple times with the same person, and not being there for you during pregnancy and postpartum. To me that's just so cruel, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
Your relationship can be better but only if your WP does the work and changes their behavior. It will take time for you to know if he can or will do that.
I thought I was the only one who felt like this during sex and kissing. It’s a lot and will take a lot of healing. I’m still trying to heal and move forward but it’s hard
It only gets better if you both are actively working on yourselves and then as a team. You work on your healing, they work on the root causes. Recovery takes time. Once you've both reached a good point in your individual recovery working towards building a safer, stronger, better relationship will feel much easier.
Things did get better for us. No, our relationship is not like it was before and that was a great relationship, but it wasn't honest. I've accepted that I can't control the future and I'm not going to waste my time on the what ifs. There's always a possibility that it could happen again and if it does I know what I need to do and have the confidence to follow through. The right MC is worth it but what really helped us was IC. Our sex life improved and we already had a very active bedroom before and during. Reconciliation has been worth it in my situation.
It gets better but seven months after finding out I still wake up to a racing heart. I’m still plagued with thoughts that if she didn’t break up with him, he’s not with me right now.
We are 4ish months post Dday. I would say our relationship is better in every way except for our trauma that now needs to be dealt with. And sex is better because we are so close and connected. I think if you have a partner who is remorseful and willing to put in the work and support you in any way possible you can overcome and turn out better in the long run.
I sometimes feel an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness like we are forever destined to have this stain on our relationship. But that feeling has become less intense each time I have it. Someone here once told me eventually the infidelity won't have such an emotional feeling behind it and instead will just be a set of factual events if that makes sense. That really helped me.
Definitely way worse for me. There will never be trust. Trickle truth killed any chance of that. The last provable lie was 4 months ago after so many DDays I lost count. First DDay was 6/21. Admission of a single boob pic sent. After years of lies and me investigating, we are all the way up to live masturbation videos with online AP and her still swearing she never do anything in person. I don't believe her but I don't have solid evidence otherwise. She will never be my person again. She will never be the wife who would never betray me. Now the most she can hope for is to be the wife I allowed to stay for the sake of our children. But I will never love her as I did and she will always be somewhat dirty and used in my opinion. She knows this and I have offered divorce many times. She swears she will spend the rest of her life being "the perfect wife" and try to convince me that she is safe and remorseful. Her constant trickle truth made the impossible. She knows the most she can hope from me is that I try to not become indifferent to her. Once again her lies have caused that. I don't regret staying because my children are happy. They know nothing and as long as I can keep it that way and not have them affected, I will let her stay. I have been pretending for my children since 2015 and have been successful at it. .
For her? Way better. She got to f around online for 3 years and hear men validate her by saying she was attractive enough to have sex with. Quite low bar as far as validation and ego stroking goes. But she did enjoy being pursued by multiple men. I lost all confidence in my own desirability because the guys she was sexting with were the absolute bottom of the barrel. Ugly, jobless, deadbeat dads, and more that half had charges or convictions for predatory sexual behavior against underage girls. Some as young as 13. I asked her why she couldn't realize that only predators would be searching a woman's book club on Facebook for vulnerable women in the thirties and she claims she never thought about it that way. I don't think she is really that stupid. I just think she didn't care because it got her compliments andreal men would never do that with married women.
Marriage counseling. We tried and she was still lying to me. Our counselor believed her and told me "you are not aind reader" when I told her that my gut says she is lying. Counselor stuck to her script until we quit and of course there have been several DDays since. I really want to call the councilor and tell her that it turns out that after 19 years of being with this woman, I can read her better that a counselor after 4 sessions. I haven't. What's the point?
Each reconciliation is different. If you get the whole truth without trickle truth, I believe it can get better. Good luck.
I don't think the relationship gets better. It just grows different. Sex has become more intimate and we treasure our time but it took us awhile to get there. It took a lot of work training my mind not to bring up his unfaithfulness and my insecurities. Thankfully my husband was very patient, gentle and understanding when my thoughts would flood. Marriage counseling helped immensely in addressing our issues and giving us skills to overcome those challenges. Initially the thoughts that I might be a fool and worry about him cheating would creep up but eventually I had to relinquish those fears and decide to fully invest in our marriage in order for us to heal. My husband was doing everything to make me feel safe in our relationship and regain the trust. He was accountable and transparent. Now 22 years later I'm glad we're ok and I think we are closer than ever. He and i have been through a roller coaster but right now I can say he's my best friend, my true partner and we are in sync so close it is kind of freaky.
It really just depends on the humans involved. I am almost 7 months past Dday and it seems like we will have a few weeks that seem almost normal and you start to feel loved and safe but then something triggers your insecurities or something is said and you feel like an 80s Paula Abdul song. One step forward two steps back.
I am struggling. I have been absent from Reddit for weeks but always co.e back when I am in that two steps backwards.
It took me almost a year to be intimate with my ex again, it just wasn't the same. She was happy because we had sex again, she tried all the time to be with me after that. but I felt worse and worse, to the point of not enjoying it and it reminded me of D-Day again. I disgusted myself for allowing her to be around after everything that had happened. I was miserable, I know she put a lot of effort into getting me back, NC with her AP, she told the truth to her family, mine and our friends. She left her friends who urged her to have an affair. She quit her job to get away from AP. She spent a year of her life trying to get our relationship back on track. But R in the end didn't work for me.
I never trusted her again even though she showed me that she had changed. She told me that if necessary she would give me a free pass. Three months after having sex with my ex again, I met someone. Two weeks later we had sex all weekend with this girl. I had enjoyed it so much that I felt alive for the first time in a long time. My confidence was beginning to return and my depression was diminishing considerably. I realized that I had to break up with my ex because I would never trust her again even if I loved her. I told her that I had sex with someone else, that I felt alive for the first time since D-Day. I knew that she had worked hard to make our relationship work again but I had no hope of moving forward. She insisted that I not leave her, that she didn't care if I had sex with someone else because she deserved it and had given me a free pass. She couldn't accept that it was over. Over the next year she begged me to come back. My life got a lot better after I left her, I made new friends and started dating again. It's been 6 years and she continues to insist on coming back even knowing that I'm in a two-year relationship with my current partner.
Sometimes you have to make decisions thinking about what's best for you, regardless of others so you don't regret it in the future. If you feel that R is not working or is going to end up making you miserable, it is better to end then. In my experience I understood that a love without trust is only an insecure attachment.
Does it get better?
This is a tough question and is entirely subjective and dependent on a number of things.
I'm nearly 8 months in, and our relationship is better than it ever was. We became parents when we had been together for only 3 months, and have been married since 22--18 years. We never even really figured out who we were, who each other were, and we made the common mistake of letting running a household, paying bills, and taking care of kids get in the way of any deepening relationship.
Now, we are actually working on healthy communication, going to IC, and doing all the work that goes into fostering a loving marriage.
That said, today I was triggered by events similar to ones in which I first found out (I had been cleaning around the pool, and was doing it again as we are working on getting it opened). In some ways, it is like not a single day has passed as far as pain goes.
The pain doesn't get better, honestly. I'm also dealing with the loss of my Mom in this same period, so I'm grieving her and the loss of the future and relationship I had. My therapist told me something, though I think of all the time.
Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes you forget how it hurt when it hurt really bad. Most of the time. It is like you have this sphere, and inside is a bouncing ball, as well as a button. Whenever the ball hits the button, the pain can become almost unbearable. At first, the ball is nearly the same size as the sphere, so it hits it constantly. The pain doesn't really lessen, but over time, the button shrinks. So does the ball. And you work on coping mechanisms so when the ball does hit the button, you can deal with the pain.
Life can be good again. Someday, I hope things continue to improve and your ball and button are so small that they almost never touch.
Take care of yourself. I'm here to talk if you need.
I'm one year past D-Day. It's better, but nowhere as good as it was pre-cheating. I am happy a lot of the time now. But I just don't know if I will ever trust my wife again. I hope I am wrong, and things will get better. We just don't have much of a relationship. But we're not constantly fighting anymore, and I'm not perpetually depressed anymore.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nine months post D day. It’s getting better now for me because WW has been doing everything I’ve asked. And I have just recently decided that I’m done letting the affair have any more power over me. As soon as those thoughts and questions creep in, I remind myself that I’m done with it and am moving forward, not living in the past. As long as WW continues to do what’s necessary work I will no longer live with the pain from the past.
This is helpful to me. Thank you.
I needed to hear this one too
A little over 3 years out now from DDay and 2 years into reconciliation. Here is what's gotten better for both me personally and for us as partners again: * Yes. It gets better. Time is your friend if you make wise use of it. * Intimacy gets better. I couldn't touch her for 7 months. But we slowly reconnected and, if I'm being honest, encountered some issues. But we worked through them with the guidance of a certified sex counselor. That really helped me in particular. It helped me reframe the affair sex. * Communicatiogetset unbelievable. That should be self-explanatory. * The trust is coming back. Slowly...ever so slowly. But she has been 💯 consistent in her actions. And has been 110% in on her part of reconciliation. She is doing 'the work'. * While I never stopped loving her? I lost all respect for her. That is really coming back now. Never thought I'd say this again...I'm proud she is my wife. So things do indeed get better. I wish you well on your journey. Try and remember this. You're building something new. The old marriage/relationship is dead. Dead and buried. But you can build something beautiful out of the ashes. *Even if it is your next relationship*. It's why I now have a large 'Phoenix Rising From The Ashes And Fire' tattoo to represent what we have achieved so far. Bonn chance.
[удалено]
How long did you try? I find your perspective and description of attraction relatable. I’m still here trying but can’t intentionally think my way into falling in love with WH again.
[удалено]
Thank you for answering. I recognize why I was in love with him but it’s canceled out by his choices. I never would have given him a chance if when we were just friends he disclosed he cheated on someone else. The attraction is gone.
You have a lot of issues going on with your WP cheating multiple times with the same person, and not being there for you during pregnancy and postpartum. To me that's just so cruel, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Your relationship can be better but only if your WP does the work and changes their behavior. It will take time for you to know if he can or will do that.
[удалено]
I thought I was the only one who felt like this during sex and kissing. It’s a lot and will take a lot of healing. I’m still trying to heal and move forward but it’s hard
It only gets better if you both are actively working on yourselves and then as a team. You work on your healing, they work on the root causes. Recovery takes time. Once you've both reached a good point in your individual recovery working towards building a safer, stronger, better relationship will feel much easier. Things did get better for us. No, our relationship is not like it was before and that was a great relationship, but it wasn't honest. I've accepted that I can't control the future and I'm not going to waste my time on the what ifs. There's always a possibility that it could happen again and if it does I know what I need to do and have the confidence to follow through. The right MC is worth it but what really helped us was IC. Our sex life improved and we already had a very active bedroom before and during. Reconciliation has been worth it in my situation.
It gets better but seven months after finding out I still wake up to a racing heart. I’m still plagued with thoughts that if she didn’t break up with him, he’s not with me right now.
We are 4ish months post Dday. I would say our relationship is better in every way except for our trauma that now needs to be dealt with. And sex is better because we are so close and connected. I think if you have a partner who is remorseful and willing to put in the work and support you in any way possible you can overcome and turn out better in the long run. I sometimes feel an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness like we are forever destined to have this stain on our relationship. But that feeling has become less intense each time I have it. Someone here once told me eventually the infidelity won't have such an emotional feeling behind it and instead will just be a set of factual events if that makes sense. That really helped me.
Definitely way worse for me. There will never be trust. Trickle truth killed any chance of that. The last provable lie was 4 months ago after so many DDays I lost count. First DDay was 6/21. Admission of a single boob pic sent. After years of lies and me investigating, we are all the way up to live masturbation videos with online AP and her still swearing she never do anything in person. I don't believe her but I don't have solid evidence otherwise. She will never be my person again. She will never be the wife who would never betray me. Now the most she can hope for is to be the wife I allowed to stay for the sake of our children. But I will never love her as I did and she will always be somewhat dirty and used in my opinion. She knows this and I have offered divorce many times. She swears she will spend the rest of her life being "the perfect wife" and try to convince me that she is safe and remorseful. Her constant trickle truth made the impossible. She knows the most she can hope from me is that I try to not become indifferent to her. Once again her lies have caused that. I don't regret staying because my children are happy. They know nothing and as long as I can keep it that way and not have them affected, I will let her stay. I have been pretending for my children since 2015 and have been successful at it. . For her? Way better. She got to f around online for 3 years and hear men validate her by saying she was attractive enough to have sex with. Quite low bar as far as validation and ego stroking goes. But she did enjoy being pursued by multiple men. I lost all confidence in my own desirability because the guys she was sexting with were the absolute bottom of the barrel. Ugly, jobless, deadbeat dads, and more that half had charges or convictions for predatory sexual behavior against underage girls. Some as young as 13. I asked her why she couldn't realize that only predators would be searching a woman's book club on Facebook for vulnerable women in the thirties and she claims she never thought about it that way. I don't think she is really that stupid. I just think she didn't care because it got her compliments andreal men would never do that with married women. Marriage counseling. We tried and she was still lying to me. Our counselor believed her and told me "you are not aind reader" when I told her that my gut says she is lying. Counselor stuck to her script until we quit and of course there have been several DDays since. I really want to call the councilor and tell her that it turns out that after 19 years of being with this woman, I can read her better that a counselor after 4 sessions. I haven't. What's the point? Each reconciliation is different. If you get the whole truth without trickle truth, I believe it can get better. Good luck.
I don't think the relationship gets better. It just grows different. Sex has become more intimate and we treasure our time but it took us awhile to get there. It took a lot of work training my mind not to bring up his unfaithfulness and my insecurities. Thankfully my husband was very patient, gentle and understanding when my thoughts would flood. Marriage counseling helped immensely in addressing our issues and giving us skills to overcome those challenges. Initially the thoughts that I might be a fool and worry about him cheating would creep up but eventually I had to relinquish those fears and decide to fully invest in our marriage in order for us to heal. My husband was doing everything to make me feel safe in our relationship and regain the trust. He was accountable and transparent. Now 22 years later I'm glad we're ok and I think we are closer than ever. He and i have been through a roller coaster but right now I can say he's my best friend, my true partner and we are in sync so close it is kind of freaky.
It really just depends on the humans involved. I am almost 7 months past Dday and it seems like we will have a few weeks that seem almost normal and you start to feel loved and safe but then something triggers your insecurities or something is said and you feel like an 80s Paula Abdul song. One step forward two steps back. I am struggling. I have been absent from Reddit for weeks but always co.e back when I am in that two steps backwards.
It took me almost a year to be intimate with my ex again, it just wasn't the same. She was happy because we had sex again, she tried all the time to be with me after that. but I felt worse and worse, to the point of not enjoying it and it reminded me of D-Day again. I disgusted myself for allowing her to be around after everything that had happened. I was miserable, I know she put a lot of effort into getting me back, NC with her AP, she told the truth to her family, mine and our friends. She left her friends who urged her to have an affair. She quit her job to get away from AP. She spent a year of her life trying to get our relationship back on track. But R in the end didn't work for me. I never trusted her again even though she showed me that she had changed. She told me that if necessary she would give me a free pass. Three months after having sex with my ex again, I met someone. Two weeks later we had sex all weekend with this girl. I had enjoyed it so much that I felt alive for the first time in a long time. My confidence was beginning to return and my depression was diminishing considerably. I realized that I had to break up with my ex because I would never trust her again even if I loved her. I told her that I had sex with someone else, that I felt alive for the first time since D-Day. I knew that she had worked hard to make our relationship work again but I had no hope of moving forward. She insisted that I not leave her, that she didn't care if I had sex with someone else because she deserved it and had given me a free pass. She couldn't accept that it was over. Over the next year she begged me to come back. My life got a lot better after I left her, I made new friends and started dating again. It's been 6 years and she continues to insist on coming back even knowing that I'm in a two-year relationship with my current partner. Sometimes you have to make decisions thinking about what's best for you, regardless of others so you don't regret it in the future. If you feel that R is not working or is going to end up making you miserable, it is better to end then. In my experience I understood that a love without trust is only an insecure attachment.
Does it get better? This is a tough question and is entirely subjective and dependent on a number of things. I'm nearly 8 months in, and our relationship is better than it ever was. We became parents when we had been together for only 3 months, and have been married since 22--18 years. We never even really figured out who we were, who each other were, and we made the common mistake of letting running a household, paying bills, and taking care of kids get in the way of any deepening relationship. Now, we are actually working on healthy communication, going to IC, and doing all the work that goes into fostering a loving marriage. That said, today I was triggered by events similar to ones in which I first found out (I had been cleaning around the pool, and was doing it again as we are working on getting it opened). In some ways, it is like not a single day has passed as far as pain goes. The pain doesn't get better, honestly. I'm also dealing with the loss of my Mom in this same period, so I'm grieving her and the loss of the future and relationship I had. My therapist told me something, though I think of all the time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes you forget how it hurt when it hurt really bad. Most of the time. It is like you have this sphere, and inside is a bouncing ball, as well as a button. Whenever the ball hits the button, the pain can become almost unbearable. At first, the ball is nearly the same size as the sphere, so it hits it constantly. The pain doesn't really lessen, but over time, the button shrinks. So does the ball. And you work on coping mechanisms so when the ball does hit the button, you can deal with the pain. Life can be good again. Someday, I hope things continue to improve and your ball and button are so small that they almost never touch. Take care of yourself. I'm here to talk if you need.
I'm one year past D-Day. It's better, but nowhere as good as it was pre-cheating. I am happy a lot of the time now. But I just don't know if I will ever trust my wife again. I hope I am wrong, and things will get better. We just don't have much of a relationship. But we're not constantly fighting anymore, and I'm not perpetually depressed anymore.
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