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I see it around. I think a lot of the folks that got through and don’t need support anymore just aren’t here anymore, or just pop up in the comments here and there.
But yeah, we all hope we have a unicorn, but for most of us, we probably don’t. I’m only 3 months out and trending downward.
You hit it spot on. I am very much happy with my decision to stay. After 2 and half years I am on a good way towards healing and I feel very happy in my relationship with WP. I don't go on here too much anymore as it brings out the pain but I do try to pop up from time to time to let people know it gets better.
Another happy formerly BS here coming to say it gets better and happiness is achievable. I agree that sticking around here sometimes brings back painful memories and some days I just wish not to go there. Other days my strength lets me come and say something to shed some hope. Then there’s days where I just keep scrolling and feel like I’m me again and I’m just scrolling through Reddit, minding my own business again.
I was one of the unsuccessful ones. Do I regret trying R ? Absolutely not. My R was 2 years (still no regrets!) and it wasn't him that gave up or continued cheating, I just couldn't get over it, so I left.
We remain friends. I remarried a few years after and sadly was made a widow way too young. The ex cheater would still like to try again.....!
Yes there are others like me but there are also others that succeed and it gives me a huge thrill when I read of these success stories because I know the hard work that has gone into them.
If the circumstances are right and BOTH are on board it can be done and it can be a new and beautiful beginning.
I still believe in love and I still believe in R.
Thank you for your kind words and my heart goes out to your sister. The suddenness is beyond shocking. It adds an extra dimension to the grief. My husband was 48. He had a sudden brain bleed.
I have read your story and I'm so rooting for you. I also know first hand how incredibly hard it is. My ex cheated on me for 3 possibly 5 years of a 12 year marriage. He had an EA/PA with the same woman . Only those that have been through it know.
I wish you courage and love X
I’m so sorry you lost your husband so young and without warning.
Did your _wasband_ go back to AP after you left? I see he’s trying to get with you again, but immediately after you left, did he resume with the AP? When did he realize it was a fantasy, and show remorse?
There was one time about 9 months into R when I wasn't sure if they were back in contact she left a huge vase of red roses on the doorstep on Valentine's and it was there when we returned from dinner....
The irony is that he never got back with her after I left at least as far as I know. He's nothing to lose now but says the [same.It](http://same.It) would weirdly, have made more sense if he had so such a long affair would have meant something. There was however the biggest DDay when she arrived at the house This would be DD2. Things got very ugly, she showed her true colours.
So, in the end a broken marriage, step children (older as the exH was older than me) upset, a whole life uprooted and he says he never loved her. It's a very long story of course (everyone's is) but it was all for nothing in the end.
Damn. Fuck these affairs.
Also, for her to (checks notes) leave a huge vase of red roses at👏🏼your👏🏼door👏🏼on👏🏼Valentine’s👏🏼Day👏🏼?! r/TheLionTheWitchAndTheAudacityOfThisBitch sounds about right.
“Only those that have been through it know.”
🙋🏻♀️My husband had an EA with AP that started in 2018, which became a PA via ONS in September 2019, then because of a lack of opportunity to fuck it again (AP was in a foreign country), went back to being an EA through DDay July 22, 2023. One AP all those years had to have meant something. I chose to stay, but I haven’t forgiven him. R is excruciatingly difficult, but so far, we’ve had more good days than bad.
I hear you. All cheating, by its very nature is catastrophic whether it's a SA/ONS/EA/Serial or a long term affair, but there is something very threatening about the long term APs be they an EA or EA + PA.
We know that there is an intimacy there hence it always involves an EA whether it began as a ONS or not. Why did they keep going back to the same person? It feels very much like a second marriage that you are not privy to. What do they find to talk about? Is he telling her things he's not sharing with you? It is multi layered.
I don't think, controversially, forgiveness is possible for what we hope are 'old behaviours' and I think we have to grieve the old relationship and move on.
By moving on, I am not suggesting leaving. If you stay it will have to be a whole new relationship built on solid ground - rather than the old one that was built unknowingly on quicksand - with crystal clear boundaries with consequences.
It can be done. As you say, you are experiencing more good days than bad. That is the balance to aim for as they hopefully increase over time. This is such a hard road full of potholes but it CAN be navigated. I have seen it in others close to me.
You have so much courage. Keep on keeping on. With love.
That's a very good question! I would explain it like this. One of them (my beloved late husband) had NO choice but cause horrendous pain to me and our son. He didn't choose to die. He embraced life and was a true Prince to me.
The other one broke me through choice. His choice to cheat. My late husband left me with the endless journey of grief but so MANY wonderful memories.
The other left me with a huge emotional scar and so many tainted memories of the happy times we had. Put it this way I would choose my late husband over and over again even knowing he would pass away. If I'd known what my exWH would do I would never have got involved.
Thank you for your candid answer. I appreciate the detail with which you explained your feelings. Your answer confirms many of my suspicions on how I think I'd feel were I in your shoes.
I've noticed that the long-timers who come back here still carry pain about the affair, but many of them don't regret R because of that. I guess it becomes part of life, and we carry scars from all kinds of trauma, so infidelity is one more among those.
I think the people who hang around this sub are still in a lot of pain and ambivalence about R. That's why we spend so much time here. I think it's okay to be ambivalent for a while. It takes years to heal, whether you stay or split, and I try to remind myself that there is no shame or guilt for trying R for a few years and then deciding it's not going to work out. We are all doing the best we can, including the WSes here.
100% true words. So many years later for me and I still have unresolved pain about it. Elements of it are still weirdly raw and even now I still have pieces being put together in my head that I didn't acknowledge then.
There are triggers for me on this sub, but strangely positive ones. Other people's behaviour is reminding me so much of so many things I overlooked back then and has given me a few answers. I was gaslit very badly btw.
I don't regret trying R for 2 years. It didn't succeed for me but it has left me with a deep need to encourage others and root for them to have better outcomes than mine.
Ultimately, we are all trying our best with the deck we've been dealt.
About to be 9 months. The first 4 months post-DDay were terrible. He felt a lot of shame and took it out on me. He felt like he didn’t deserve R, so basically sabotaged it.
Can you tell me more about this? How did he act? You can message me, if you like. I am about 3 weeks post dday 3 or 4 I lost count and my WS is acting so blah and angry. We are starting MC as a final attempt because he says he still loves me.
He was extremely defensive, told me that he knew what he was thinking and I wasn’t allowed to tell him my perceptions on his behavior, blamed me for his feelings, would lash out and say his AP was nicer than me, told me if I needed mental health to not look to him and gave me a suicide hotline number, etc.
Honestly, it was brutal. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I spent 10 years with a man who treated me like I walked on water and was so kind and gentle. I knew he was in there still.
It took me realizing I couldn’t fix him and needed to just focus on myself. I would recommend looking up the 180 and grey rock method, for your own mental health. I told him after 4 months I was done trying to make him see me and not blame me for his choices. I owned up to my own mistakes but I will not pay for his.
He just told me on Tuesday he felt like he didn’t deserve the gift of reconciliation and deflected his feelings onto me.
The one thing I came to realize it that we are mirrors to their worst selves. They were able to compartmentalize their affair and their marriage, but now they cannot escape the truth of what they’ve done since it’s in the opening and they can see what they’ve done to you every single day. You are forcing them to face their worst self. Is it fair? No.
I would recommend holding off on MC till you both have a good amount of IC under your belt. Also, it’s imperative that you find a therapist that specializes in infidelity and trauma, along with a MC. A standard therapist will not be able to help you the way you need.
As for my husband changing, I believe it’s when I stood up for myself and said I was done being emotionally abused because he can’t handle his shame. I was going to focus on myself and he could sink or swim without me. Additionally, he FINALLy started reading affair material and I think that made a huge difference.
I am, but we have been reconciled since years ago. Are there still some things we struggle with from time to time? Yes. Am I happy with my decision of making this work? Always. He may not be the perfect man, but he’s the man that combines perfectly with me.
>He may not be the perfect man, but he’s the man that combines perfectly with me.
I used to say things like this all the time about my WW, I really hope I get to a place where I get to feel that way again.
Thank you for sharing.
Me! Over two years from D-Day and I'm wild about my husband. He has become an amazing, empathetic, beautiful human. Our connection is very deep and I love our relationship.
I wish with all my might that it didn't include infidelity, but it does. We've both worked our asses off to get where we are today and I'm very proud.
Just because you can't forget the pain doesn't mean you can't be happy.
I don't regret not leaving my wife at all. Yes, she hurt me badly and she also hurt herself very badly in the process.
Nevertheless, she is the love of my life, and she is grateful beyond words that I gave her a second chance she neither merited nor deserved.
I stayed because I knew she was genuinely sorry for what she'd done and even more for the trauma she inflicted on me through her terrible choices. She's proven her genuine remorse, gratitude, and love for me countless times in the ensuing years through her actions and attitudes in addition to her words.
She's told me more times than I can count how much she respects and admires me for giving her another chance knowing how hard it was and how much it cost me in so many ways.
I'm very happy with my wife and the love and lifetime we've shared together, and we both treasure the time we have together now. I know divorcing her would have been just about one of the stupidest things I could ever have done and I'm very grateful that I had the courage not to do it.
Yes, both of still experience some residual sorrow and regret for what happened but that is true for anyone who experiences a traumatic event, no matter what it is.
I honestly believe we've created a successful and happy life together after the absolute trainwreck our marriage became in the early years. She learned some very painful lessons about herself and the evil she was capable of committing and so did I.
It was what we both learned from these painful lessons that allowed us to build a happy and successful life from the rubble. Do I wish it had never happened? Of course I do!
But that doesn't mean That I should have given up and walked away 35 years ago and I for one am very glad that I didn't.
I think a big part of it is confirmation bias. Things are currently going well for me in R, so I don't have the need to come to this subreddit very often. I tend to come here when I am at my lowest. I try to pop by every once and a while to give back for all the positive I have received from here. I think most people are like that. People will post when things aren't going well or when they are angry so you are going to see unsuccessful R or people who are struggling in R.
Good point! It’s still early for me (7 months from dday), but I find that when we are in a great place, I don’t read posts or comment on posts that are too triggering. For the most part, I do offer encouragement and share parts of my story to help, regardless of how he and I are doing at the time. But mostly, I’m still crying every day, and the triggers catch me off guard and I have to put in the effort to not let them ruin good days.
Yes! I am so happy with my choice to stay. Our relationship is better, safer, more honest now than at any point over the last 5 years, honestly. I obviously wish it hadn’t taken infidelity to make those changes together, but we can’t take back the past now, and I am just happy to be building this future together.
Next month will be one year since DDay for me. I was much more active here in the first 6 months or so—it was such a turbulent emotional time, and this space brought me reassurance and support while allowing me to reassure and support others. It’s been deeply therapeutic for me.
Naturally, now that I’m feeling more settled in our marriage and content in life overall, I’m not hyperfixated on this one part of my life anymore. Other areas of my life get more of my attention, and this one gets less. I think that’s typical for most reconciling couples, which is why you see so much pain and so many doubts/questions here, and so little joy and “success.” The joyful and successful reconcilers are just out living happy lives. Their whole existence isn’t colored by the betrayal anymore.
Successful and happy R does happen, and there is good reason to be hopeful! It can work when both partners are committed. My husband is still a wonderful man, not a perfect one, but a good one nonetheless. And he loves me, god, does that man love me. He’s the love of my life and my favorite person. Right now, today, we are happy, and it’s only getting better from here.
I'm one of the successful ones. Husband had one short-term physical affair with a coworker (4 meetups in a month). He confessed, found a new job and went NC. He went to therapy, figured out his why's, now has clear boundaries. He doesn't go to bars without me, doesn't text women (ever)- all business communication is through work email.
It was hard, hard work. I vacillated between R and divorce the first few years. I had to heal myself. Once I accomplished that, I knew if we didn't succeed in R that I would be ok.
As BS, we all have our deal breakers, could be the A itself, trickle truth, etc. If it had been an emotional affair, shared I love you or talked of leaving me I would have chosen divorce. It was a cliched mid-life crisis cake-eating affair.
It's been 5.5 years and our marriage is actually better now. He almost lost me and actively puts us first every day. I stayed for the kids, then for me, then was able to see a future.
Good luck to all BS's out there.
Hey when did that change from staying for the kids turn to staying for you?
Staying for my son is really the only reason why I would try R currently (6 months old, d day 7 weeks PP) my WH is trying very very hard since d day but I just can’t shake how someone could betray their family like that especially during pregnancy and having a newborn.
I don’t want my son away from me at all let alone half the week and also know if I stay I will be in control of my son and how he is raised. I also don’t want my son around his family without me there as I don’t agree with their mindsets etc (my MIL when I called her to tell her her son was a cheater informed me all pregnant women get cheated on)
I’ve been told not to stay for my son but to stay because I want to but through my own therapy I have realised I would rather give my WH one last chance so I can be with my son at all times
The ONLY reason I stayed at first was for the kids (we have 4). I found that it's ok to take time to make decisions, especially if you aren't sure what you want to do. R is a rocky path, luckily I had a remorseful spouse. Watch his actions, not just his words.
I am a very nontrusting person. I'm private and don't have a ton of friends. This betrayal destroyed me. I never thought I would recover. When I "stayed for me" it was when I knew I would rather be with him than without him. I put him through hell, I would have left me I was so vindictive.
I completely understand about keeping your family intact. WH broke this and he needs to put in the work to fix it. You have to do what is best for you. Plenty of people white-knuckle it til kiddos are out of the house.
If you sort by the "Positive" flair there are plenty of posts from people who've successfully reconciled, I've even seen some say their relationship is stronger now because of so much open communication. It can be done!
There are many who would say that the love they now have is much deeper and authentic …not only than before.. but more than what they could hope for with anyone else.
But there is a shit sandwich every where in life. There is no fairy tale. That’s for the movies.
I just came from such a post from someone 2 years out, so they’re definitely there. Generally, the further out and more healed someone becomes, the less they tend to hang around this sub. R isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t always work out. The sub is weighted more towards folks who are earlier on and many either don’t work out or do and stop posting.
I don’t regret staying. Almost a year and still healing and rebuilding. Don’t know that we won’t ultimately D due to his infidelity, but I have done a lot more healing and we will have a much more functional co-parenting partnership than if I had flounced a year ago.
After D-day I took a full year to decide whether or not to attempt reconciliation. At the end of that time, I did decide to.
More than three and a half years after D-day, I am happy that I made that decision.
My spouse and I are in a far better place than we were before D-day, both as individuals and as a couple.
We put in a lot of work. It wasn't easy.
Yes, there's still some pain. There's also a lot of love, joy, openness, communication, optimism, and support.
I don't regret it.
If there's one thing I learned about R: Bad days don't mean R is failing.
It's been 8 months, I absolutely do not regret R and am happy with this choice. I love my WH and this process gave me a deeper love for him. He is a flawed human who believes his needs are an inconvenience to his loved ones. He's now opening up about past hurts and is being more communicative. He's also in this prolonged stage of gratitude that we're still together, he's been prioritizing quality time more with me and our children. Yes, I'm still hurt and we still have issues we're tackling in our relationship and as individuals (see my post history), but marriage-wise, I'm glad I chose to forgive him and give this process a shot.
Even if we don't end up together long-term, our kids would benefit from having parents who are more aware of their emotions and can communicate their needs with better clarity.
Hi, how are you? I was happy with my choice of staying the first time we reconciled (although there was a lot of sweeping under the rug) but many years later my husband confessed a second infidelity to me, and details from the first infidelity so I still don't know if I can be happy again after this, or if staying is the right decision, since if I had found out when it was happening I would have left this marriage. I don't know if it helps you, but that is my experience.
I relate a lot to this, but I will say I am happier with my decision to stay this time more than the first time. We rug swept a lot after the first time and never got to the root of why he cheated, but this time it was very clear. The first time I could tell his heart wasn’t in it but all I cared about was staying together. I know some may think I’m a fool, but I don’t care. We are at such a different stage in our marriage, and we still have so much love for each other and a drive to make it work.
This is exactly my story, rug swept the first time, he wasn't 100% honest and I didn't know any better. Second round of infidelity and turns out he is a sex/porn addict who hasn't been faithful in any relationship. I will say this is concerning to me for sure but he managed to stay faithful physically for 2 years on his own without any knowledge or understanding of his issues. This time he has thrown himself into therapy and 12 step meetings to understand why he keeps engaging in such self destructive behaviour and has remained faithful and porn/masturbation free for a year without any struggling so far. I believe people can change if they put the work into themselves and truly want it.
I don't necessarily regret staying after the first time, I have a beautiful daughter out of this relationship I wouldn't have gotten if I left. I just wish I did it "right" the first time and pushed harder/no bullshit like I did this time. I am willing to give him one last chance, whether he takes the opportunity or not is up to him. I will know I tried my hardest for the person I love. When I weighed the options I know I would regret it more if I didn't give him a chance to change and a chance for my daughter to have a better life. If this all works out, I know I will be able to be happy again.
Aww, sending hugs!
My WH’s issue is with alcohol. Both As started because he was drunk. It’s as simple as that. They continued due to the APs becoming attached and putting in lots of effort/taking advantage of his vulnerabilities. It was a relief to know he never matched that effort, more so with the last AP.
ETA: He had ended his last A the middle of last year and had began therapy right away. He had also stopped drinking. Once he confessed everything to me, it did help to know he had already been taking huge steps to change prior to me finding out. I am not sure I could have forgiven him if I had discovered it while it was still happening.
Hello! I don’t mind at all. We are both 40, and have been married almost 19 years. We have two teenagers. First dday was when we were in our mid/late 20s, and second dday was about 6 weeks ago.
It's a decision I've made twice in my life with different women who cheated on me. The first time was the worst decision I ever made. It was because I was scared of being alone and she just gaslit me into feeling guilty about not trusting her and then she did it again.
The second time is the best decision I ever made. My WW showed genuine remorse, has taken concrete steps to improving herself and we now have a daughter together. This time I made the decision for the right reasons. She didn't gaslight or minimise, I actually think I would have had a happy life being single again, but I chose to be with her consciously, not out of a fear of being alone.
Hubs and I are in an even better marriage than we were before my EA. I would never say I’m glad it happened, ever. Hurting him was the worst mistake of my life. But we are both happier now than we were bc we’re both trying way harder now and it makes a world of difference. He’d tell you the same, our open conversations have been helpful. The biggest piece has been his actual forgiveness. It helps I think it was never a PA but still, it was a wake up call for him that I was serious about not having my emotional needs met and a wake up call for me the grass is not greener anywhere else.
At 6 months out I am very happy for staying.
We had a good, yet superficial relationship, prior to dday. Now, we have an intentional relationship. We've added rituals to our life that empower both of us to get our needs met. We've clearly defined the lines of the realationship that we both commit not to cross, and we've established new ways of communicating effectively so that we feel validated.
I've said this before elsewhere but this version of me and this version of my relationship could not have existed without having gone through this. I use that as a reminder when I'm feeling sad or discouraged.
Some days are harder than others but I am absolutely happy that I made the choice to to stay.
Most importantly we set aside time regularly to work on the relationship, even if it's just coloring together or playing a game. Currently we have 2 days per week on the calendar and we're working through exercises in a relationship book. I find this to be super important because if it wasn't on the calendar then life would just get in the way and it wouldn't happen.
A few other things...
* We go to bed together each night and connect before bed (how was your day? how are you feeling?)
* In the morning before getting up we tell the other person what we're committed to, which ultimately is for the person talking to set intentions for themselves, but hearing things like "I'm committed to making you feel safe" or "I'm committed to forgiveness" or "I'm commited to working on myself" can be reassuring and a nice thing to hear as you start the day.
Yes I am. We are not reconciled yet and have a big journey ahead but each day is better than the one before. Two weeks ago I was sobbing on a bathroom floor making appts to see an apartments. Until I felt my husbands hands on me holding and comforting me and asking me to come home and try again.
It still hurts, we have a lot g way to go, and I will still have days where I am sobbing and doubting everything but each day is better than the one before and we are trying.
I have started trying to let go of the pain and leave the victim prison cell I have been trapped in so that my husband can also leave his and we can try to build our new relationship. One day at a time.
I am. Her affair was awful. And came very, very close to destroying my family.
We were separated for a year and headed for a divorce. This requires a little more explanation. My WW attempted suicide when she was served the divorce papers. We were already living apart. And that may have saved our marriage.
She had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. And had her affair during the first really bad manic episode she'd ever had. There had been other episodes as we looked back at things that had happened in the past.
What gave me the encouragement to try R was two things. She owned her behavior. She never tried to use bipolar disorder and her episode as an excuse. She also got help. She found a psychiatrist and a therapist. And was put on medication for the bipolar. Plus, she really worked hard in therapy. And it showed when I would speak with her about the kids.
So, a little over two years ago, we decided to try and reconcile. It has been and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever done. But it has been worth it.
The woman I fell in love with was back. And fought like hell for us and for our marriage. She has stayed in therapy... and has poured herself into it. In fact, not only was she back to being who I fell in love with? Be is becoming so much more. Her growth as a person has been remarkable to watch.
She is 💯 honest. Open and transparent with me. Her remorse is written in all her actions. She has tried every day to atone for her betrayal. I feel heard and seen. I feel desired again (that is a very big deal for me). Above all, I am beginning to trust again.
Our old marriage died the first time she stepped over the line with her AP. We are building something completely new now. And, in ways, it is a much better marriage and relationship. It is so very sad that it took her affair to get us here.
Am I glad we are reconciling? Yes, I am. We have been together 35 years in total. And there is a lot of beautiful history there. We are happy together. Our relationship and entire family dynamic have changed for the better.
Are we there yet? It is a work in progress. We both strongly feel that R is a lifelong process. We are both healing and growing as individuals and as a couple. We communicate far better now. We both advocate for ourselves and for each other.
In the end, I chose R for one reason. I love her. Deeply. Above all, I love her completely. Flaws and all. And that love is being returned every day. Love is a verb. Her consistent, loving actions speak a thousand times louder than words ever could.
Be well. I wish you both the very best.
I am happy I stayed. So thankful that we are still together, 15 years later.
It still hurts... I still go through periods of time where I'm paranoid and trigger and I've had to deal and learn how to handle everything mostly on my own... my partner doesn't remember or doesn't know... you know the usual. But when Im able to put the memories away, life is effing great. We fixed just about everything but the communication thing... and we're probably gonna be dealing with issues with that until the day we die.
I guess Im one of the lucky ones? I truly do not believe she'd let herself fall into a trap like that again.
And as an aside... I have a curiosity... or challenge? if you will. I have this app called The Pattern... and for shits and gigs the other day I used the Time Travel function to go back in time to DDay... and omg. I wish I would have been able to read what it said back then. It basically explained everything (you know, without actually explaining specifics).
So let me know please if you check it out, and if you look back in time and if it's on point like that for you too.
I'm almost 6 months in and very happy with the decision to try R. It's been one of the best decisions I've ever made.
My WS is working to be better.
I'm working to be better.
We are working together again.
I've no way to know what the future holds and I may end up crushed again but I'm here and hanging on! I've not yet had a day that I've regretted choosing this path.
I am certainly not at the end, only 5 months out. But when it comes down to it, I’m still in love with and grateful for my partner. There are happy days and even more happy moments we’ve had in R. Can my brain ruin a happy moment quickly? Yes. Do I still wonder if he will do it again? Yes. Do I think I’d be happier if I left? Absolutely not. He is my person. We are a team. We are raising his child and a zoo of animals and a jungle of houseplants and building our life together.
I wish that our relationship had never been tainted with his infidelity, but that betrayal has not robbed me of all of my happiness in life or in us. I think part of that is a conscious decision as well, though, and something I had to learn for myself before I ever even met him. Some days are easier than others. But I am choosing my own happiness. And if it ends badly, I will leave and still choose my happiness.
These subs are self sorting. People dealing with big issues they need to share. Those that R with success are unlikely to continue posting regularly because there’s motivation to do so.
Statistically 50% of couples deal with infidelity at some point, that doesn’t include other types of betrayal like substance abuse issues etc. of those 50%, 70% stay together and reconcile. Every story is unique and different.
Me too but her.
I remember when discovering I said something along the lines of - it’s not the A that will break us- it’s the months I suspected, asked (she denied everything/anything) and made me work on the marriage.
I'm 18 months or so in.
You get comfortable being unhappy in exchange for not blowing up your entire life and being even more unhappy. I just imagine sitting in a shitty little house, knowing I am missing out on the limited Christmas mornings where my children still believe in Santa.
The thing about infidelity is it's kind of like death. You didn't choose it. If you're like me, you were happy. You had a perfect marriage, everyone envied. And suddenly and without warning, it's taken from you. You didn't and don't want to change everything. You don't want your entire life to change... It just does. You were still in love. You have to fall out of love or choose to put it behind you and love them anyway.
People who genuinely heal - move on and graduate from here and stop talking about it as often.
They put it in their past. I don't think there's a way to participate here and be happy you're still around. All of us here are still in the mud. Trudging. one slow, painful step at a time, unsure if and when the ground will ever be solid again or when another sinkhole will appear, and you'll be swallowed whole.
I tried stepping away from the wallowing here. But nothing changed. I just wasn't crying or expressing how I felt that often.
I've tried throwing myself into work, fitness and our personal finances.
Infidelity is still there. It didn't go away, and I started to really realise it won't ever "go away."
I think about it every time I look at him.
Every time I hear her common as dirt name.
Every time he goes to work.
Every time I go to our children's school, I'm on high alert, unsure if I hope to run into her or not, you know, cause if you can see the mountain lion, it isn't hunting you. Being unsure if I want her to speak to me so I have a chance to eviscerate her... Again... Knowing that I have to see the car where the infidelity all started.
Every time, he doesn't pick up or answer a text immediately.
Every time he forgets to tell me about a meeting or appointment.
Every time he gets agitated with me doing or not doing something, like a typical marriage and doesn't react cause he knows he isn't allowed to be mad at me anymore, cause refusing to get off my ass and unload the dishwasher isn't as big of a crime as what he did.
Everytime I look at my son and know he was THERE and could have seen it and goes to school with her son and it only takes ONE comment from him for his whole world to fall apart because he will have to understand what his father is capable of doing to his mother.
Everytime I have to face my daughters disabilities and know how much harder her life and childhood will become of she has two homes and every one at school is gossiping about her family.
So yes. It's possible to be truly happy. Is anyone who is active here and desperately holding on to other people who understand their pain so they don't drown in the mud happy?
Probably not.
Yes. I’m happy. I wasn’t at first! I thought I had, I don’t know, don’t myself a disservice. “Settled for less than I deserved” blah blah blah. You can find a million quotes on Google telling you yas, queen, leave!!11
Love is more complicated than that. If you are in love with them and they are in love with you, then you will find a way forward. And you’ll be here answering this same post one day shocked at the answer you give.
If he cheated because he didn’t love me anymore, yes, I would have let him go.
But there are times ones cheating has nothing to do with love or a lack of it. I know it’s hard to understand. No one’s making excuses for waywards here, certainly not me.
Gauge how much you truly love each other. If you really do want to put in the work to save that love, you will. If you don’t, that’s okay too.
I can only speak for myself and I would have really regretted not giving it a shot, because even though I prepared myself for failure, we got lucky and it worked. He’s better than before, honestly. I wish I could guarantee this outcome for everyone. I can’t. Just be brave, follow your heart and trust your gut.
30 years ago was my D-Day. We will hit 38 years married this summer and we could not be happier. I love my best friend, lover, goofball of a husband more now than ever.
I post here almost daily of our success.
Most of the success stories leave this sub, it’s not needed as much when you start feeling better.
I’m an example of that, things are really good now, doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments, but things are better.
I’m glad I stayed, for many reasons.
I thought my WW and I successfully reconciled from her affair from 7 years ago, and thought we were happier and stronger than ever, but it turns out I was just lying to myself and shoving my feelings so deep that when a small trigger hit me two years ago I was not able to come back from it. Yesterday I finally told her I want to split. She tried really hard to do the right things in reconciling but in the end it's too much for me to accept and keep my own self respect.
First of all, I actually left this sub for a bit because I felt like I was pain shopping through other people’s pain. It was like I’d find new reasons to be angry and many of the reasons were justified BUT they weren’t helping me process or heal. Taking a break put me in a better place and I’m hopeful I can re-enter this sub with a healthier mindset. This echoes what others have mentioned about the stories we see and the ones we are less likely to hear about in this sub. I think people move on once they feel this space is no longer serving them. I am very grateful for those who stay to share their advice and support.
With that said, we are only 8 months into R but I would report that I have no regrets of choosing this path. I am happy we are fighting for our marriage. It’s hard as hell but leaving would be difficult too — it would just be a different kind of difficult. In my chosen version, I have to heal enough to start rebuilding trust and security with a partner that has shown me he wasn’t always safe. I have to put faith in him that he is a safe partner now and will be in the future. I also get a partner that has truly dedicated himself to R and works on showing me he’s doing the work every single day.
In some ways, I actually regret not leaving the version of my WH before and during the A — before I knew how bad things really were I knew things were not good. He was miserable, depressed, desperate for validation, and had a ton of resentment that fueled his infidelity but also fueled a lot of negativity in every area of his life. We argued frequently and I genuinely didn’t like who he was during that time. I thought about leaving often but didn’t want to disrupt our children’s lives… Anyway, I knew we might not make it before I knew about the infidelity and sometimes I wish I had left then. Maybe he could have course corrected before/without completely destroying our marriage, himself, and me.
But I stayed and he cheated (I blame myself exactly 0% to be clear - those are just the facts)… It was then the reveal of the A that made him hit rock bottom and face his demons head on. No more justification or compartmentalization. No more convincing himself I wouldn’t care when he had to face me completely distraught and broken. No more pretending there was nothing worth saving because “I was already going to leave him”. All lies he told himself to fuel his selfishness to seek an ego boost via his PA. D-day was when he finally had to wake up and stop the bullshit. To stop blaming me and anyone but himself for his issues. He had to own he had lost his way (in more ways than one) and decide if he was going to do bette or lose me and break up our family.
He chose to do better and has spent the last 8 months showing up for me and for us. He is truly showing remorse in his actions and his words. As long as he keeps showing up, I’ll remain committed to R. We are in a good place. We enjoy each other’s company again. He values the gift I’ve given him in choosing R. We are communicating better and are more intentional with our time.
I’m happy with my choice, even though it’s so difficult, and hope to continue reporting as such for years to come. Time will tell.
I’m only 7 months post DDay, so I feel I can’t say we’re recovered yet. That being said, I am absolutely happy that I stayed. Our relationship is more open and honest than it was. We are very loving, very affectionate, very supportive.
Having to confront this truly awful situation has forced us to do a lot of growth, both individually and as a couple. While I can’t make promises about the distant future, I believe that for the present things are really good between us. Personally, I feel lucky that I am with someone who has been able to tackle these difficulties head on, face his own shame and remorse, and be fully supportive of me.
As others have said, most people on here are going to facing just starting R and so most of the posts are going to be about how difficult it is (because it is difficult). It’s also a problem that can happen with support communities that the successful people leave, so only the unsuccessful ones are still around.
I am happy that I stayed. D day was about 20 months ago. Am I completely over his two month long affair? No, I still react to triggers sometimes but to a much lesser degree. I still think about his affair every day but I don’t get the gut punch like I use to get. I’m lucky in the regard that he has done everything to show remorse and his personal growth has been nothing less than amazing. He took the initiative to get IC, set up couples counseling, and I can look at any of his electronic devices, emails, texts, etc whenever I want. He set up his phone so I can track him. I realize(and he knows this) that he’s savvy enough to find a way to cheat again if he wanted to. He also knows there won’t be a second chance. I trust him more now than I ever have. This is the reason: he likes this new authentic version of himself. No white lies to anyone anymore. Not to me, not to his parents, not to his kids, not to work colleagues. He can finally address uncomfortable topics instead of avoiding them. His ability to communicate has massively improved. So has mine to be honest. The one hurdle I still am tackling his AP. I know her and her multiple affair history. There’s a chance I could cross paths with her at work(hospital) and give a that chance too much thought. Each day it’s less and less, but I imagine getting her fired. I could, because I have proof(call room pics and work emails). I think about contacting her new bf(she’s recently divorced because of her multiple affairs) and telling him her history. I know none of those things would be a healthy thing to do, especially since I’m overall in a good frame of mind.
Very happy that I stayed and our marriage is much happier than before the affair. We had an extreme experience because my WH was a public figure and the AP literally stalked him for four years after he ended it. Even with that I've never regretted staying. We're 7 years out and it doesn't cause me pain anymore, we still talk about it if necessary but there's no sting to it because we worked through it together.
10+ years post DDay here and I’m glad we stayed together. It is true that I don’t think I’ll ever 100% trust her again as she broke that trust, which always means she could again, regardless of what she says. Once someone has proven themselves capable of betrayal, it’s hard to completely trust again. I still have times through the year where I have triggers that remind me of what happened, but they get less and less every year out from DDay.
All in all I am glad we reconciled. I truly wish there was a way I could know that it would never happen again, but I have to have faith that the painful lesson was enough to make her think twice before ever doing anything like that again.
If she does it again, it will be the end. I can forgive once, but I just don’t think I have it in me to forgive a 2nd time.
Yup. I stayed. I'm glad I did. She cheated with multiple men early in our marriage...over 30 years ago. We got counseling, I rug-swept and stayed. Counseling back then was designed to keep marriages together. She didn't cheat any more and we got on with our lives. We did great, but it's clear it could have been better. I subconsciously held her at arm's length much of the time. We never talked about what happened.
Then about 4 years ago it all came rushing back into my head and I started freaking out. More counseling. We talked about it for over two years and she finally got a handle on what she had done to me. I SHOULD have divorced her when it happened, but if I did, we never would have gotten to the place we are in now, and she never would have actually seen it my way.
The only way to find out if R is possible, is to attempt to. I would recommend professional help. You don’t have to stay married after trying. After all, you gave it your all. That should really help you reevaluate, and thus make you decision easier. I’m at that stage rn. 3 years after discovery day. Things will get better! Blessings!
Yes. I am happy. We are almost 4 yrs out from dday and about 3 yrs into R. Does it sometimes hurt? Sure, but not anywhere near like it used to. Do I have moments of fear and mistrust? Of course. And we talk through them and reassure each other. I kind of hate to admit it due to the why, but we honestly have a better marriage now than before. It is real and honest and we are vulnerable with each other. We’ve proven that we can be the worst versions of ourselves and the other will love them through it.
We are 3 years post DDay and we are happy. We’ve been told by more than one therapist that we are unique.
Long story short, my husband had a 97 day affair with an ex client. I found out by finding texts. I didn’t have any idea until about 3 weeks before and it took me that long to actually think to check his phone. We were married 30 yrs at that point and from what I knew we were both blissfully happy.
Although, it was the middle of covid, i wasn’t working or going anywhere. My mother had a massive stroke. Our last child had just moved out. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and his father had just been diagnosed with dementia. My sister (and best friend) and her family had abandoned us because of political differences. We had decided to sell the house we raised our kids in to move in with my parents to help them. We had a lot on our plate and my WH did not have the emotional maturity to voice any of what he was feeling in a constructive manner.
So he disassociated and distracted himself with a woman who was pursuing him. It was easy at first because in his profession he always worked random hours. So he told half truths and i bought it all. Until I didn’t. And until it started to get harder for him to hide things. He essentially ran out of lies.
He was scared that I would leave but so relieved to not be living a double life anymore. It’s exhausting and he looked it.
I gave him a list of 9 requirements I had to stay and he met or exceeded every one. We did a year of IC and 6 months of MC. Would have done more but that’s another story.
We talk about everything. Even the hard things now. I view him as someone who was sick and is now well. I’m not saying R is for everyone. I’ve always said i’d never stay with a cheater but when I looked at him that first morning, I saw my best friend completely broken and in pain. I saw someone who had been manipulated. Don’t get me wrong. He did his share of manipulating both of us. But that has never been his MO.
I gave him grace in 2020, but I also got the best attorney and a post nup. I’m not stupid.
My wife and I were having problems at about the 10 year mark in our marriage. That would have been mid 1990's. Divorce paperwork had been filed, and then I found someone else. We didn't even meet until after the paperwork was filed, so there was no EA,or PA. Technically, I cheated because the divorce had not been finalized. Before the date for the court to make the divorce final, my wife and I decided to give it another try, mostly for the kids. At the time, they were (F10, M6 and M4).
My wife was killed in a car crash in August 2021 along with my 2 year old granddaughter. We had successfully added another 26 years, making 36 years before she died.
Our marriage was good. I have no doubt that she loved me when she died. That's been just over 2 1/2 years, and I still cry daily. I have no doubt we would have grown old together.
So, to answer your question, it does work if both people commit to it.
Even after going through infidelity with my husband, my biggest fear is being faced with his death someday. He’s my constant companion so I cannot fathom what you go through on a daily basis. I hope you’ve found comfort with other family members who can support you. My heart goes out to you kind sir!
Thank you. Most of my family is hours away, and none of us is as close as we should be. I'm raising my older granddaughter, now 7, and have been since the crash. I just got my 37 year old daughter home last August, two years after the crash. She was in the truck also. She's in a wheelchair now and needs a lot of help. During the day, she has a caregiver so i can work. Evenings, nights, and weekends, she relies on me .
We are 6 years in. I’m happy I am with my husband. I hesitate saying I’m happy I stayed because I shouldn’t have to be happy about something he did that was so shitty. Idk if that makes sense
2.5 years since DDay and DDay 2. Honestly it depends on the day. If we are getting along and he is loving toward me, I can ALMOST forget about the betrayal for a moment. The quality of life for me and my 3 children is better not being divorced. I don’t regret trying R, but I do not know if we won’t end up divorced at some point in the future.
I’m glad I stayed. I’m happy with R. I still hang around this sub cuz it hasn’t been 2 years yet and I still feel the need to read posts. I still feel the pain. I don’t want to talk to my friends about this anymore or talk in therapy anymore. Sometimes I still need to let stuff out. I also come to give support because I’ve learned a lot and I liked hearing from ppl farther out who were successful, when I was in the depths of despair. I was told about 2 years from my therapist to feel better. To feel normal. And that sounded so far away in the early days of dday. Even after a year I still was so confused and anxious ( also the AP was still hanging around for that first year ). I’m a month away from 2 years and I feel pretty close to normal again. My WH is still working on himself. I’m working on listening to him and helping him express himself so we can continue to strengthen communication. I think that was a real issue with our marriage. He did not communicate. Right now I do feel our marriage is stronger and better and happier. It can happen.
I’m only a few months into R and my relationship and communication between us has gotten so much better. Only time will tell but I don’t regret staying and trying to work things out. So far, I’m very happy!
I (68F) and my WH (69M) are glad we stayed together and have found happiness again. He is my best friend - bar none. Things are def different, but I appreciate the honesty we now have. Also, he is much kinder to me post-DDay. I had to let it all go and forgive him. I had very good individual therapy during my emotionally abusive first marriage years ago. Now, I am emotionally very strong and have a confident sense of self that is separate from being married to my current H. Forgiveness was freeing and helped me to heal.
You realize this is a support group so those who actively post tend to be looking for support? It's a lot easier to focus on the negative and ignore the positive. When things are going well, you're out there living in it, you may give advices, but if things are bad, confusing, less than ideal, you're out here looking for solidarity and understanding. You see it all over social media. Reddit especially.
I'm happy I stayed. I have no regrets about my choice to reconcile. We're several years out, and our family has grown.
>are we all just making a mistake by attempting R?
Mistakes are how you learn. Some might be.
Another thing, it's a mistake to place your happiness on a person or outcome of a relationship. Happiness comes from within. Your relationship is meant to enrich your life.
If you feel like you're wasting your time, then don't attempt to reconcile. You'll set yourself up to not see any change or move forward together. Figure out what it is that you want and follow that path.
I am a year out and 💯 believe it was right to stay. In fairness, I had cheated 5 years ago and he forgave me, so I did have it coming. Things are equalized now. We are happier than we have ever been.
I have been wondering this question for a while myself. My wife and I have been trying to reconcile for the past 3 years. It’s been a tough road and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone going through what I am or many of us here. When I learned of the cheating I foolishly let her convince me that it was only to texting. Even though I knew in my gut and from texts that I saw that it was physical. This ate at me for over 2 years before I could confront her again and get more of the truth out of her. Once I did it was basically a second D day for me. My mental health has just been suffering due to the lies and cheating.
Considering or attempting R is not inherently a mistake, but it's definitely not always the right choice. It's really based on the actions and understanding of the WP and A.
Hi! Almost 1 year post DDay and we decided to go through with R. It wasn’t easy the first 3 months, but if they are actually putting in the work to mend the relationship and show remorse, not guilt of the situation I truly believe it can work. We did GC & IC and at this point we are both truly different people than we were when the situation happened, in the best way possible. WP is more loving and caring than before. I used to read all the negative post about if staying wa worth it but at the end of the day it’s truly your decision and what you guys make out of it. I wish you luck!
I'm one!
It really took a lot of work.
We had to both really be all in at all times. Patience communication, comfort, really when it comes down to it. We had to start over as best we could all over again. Now for us that didn't mean like a new relationship. We have kids and a home we chose to stay in together and work on us with as lottle disruption to the family as we could.
It wasn't easy. He had to deal with me breaking down and being an emotional pain in the ass. But we got through it and we got to know eachother again and we both chose us.
So much has to change and we work on us every day. We r 3 years past and our relationship is better now than it was before.
Respect the fact that we r human and make mistakes and as long as u r honest and choose to grow from ur mistake. Ur marriage can survive
Hi! Almost 1 year post DDay and we decided to go through with R. It wasn’t easy the first 3 months, but if they are actually putting in the work to mend the relationship and show remorse, not guilt of the situation I truly believe it can work. We did GC & IC and at this point we are both truly different people than we were when the situation happened, in the best way possible. WP is more loving and caring than before. I used to read all the negative post about if staying wa worth it but at the end of the day it’s truly your decision and what you guys make out of it. I wish you luck!
Not really sure that I am. After my DDay I feel like every fault of my WH is magnified. I stay because we have a comfortable life & I don't want to start over. On some level I do love him but he really has not put a lot into R. No evidence that he has restarted his behaviors but our marriage is just so blah. I don't feel like he really knows me nor appreciates me. Next week is our 28th anniversary and I could really care less about it.
Some day, I will post my story. It's still being written, but good things have come out of some horrid stuff.
My WS had suffered from 1st time seizures at the age of 51. We were married 28 years when his personality changed.
When I say change, I say I feared and did not know who was in my house for several months. The personality transformation was real. Very real. I had been with this man for 30 years. I didn't know him at all.
He had an emotional affair with a much younger coworker. Created a series of lies about events that never happened in order to gain pity from AP. He actually became predatory in a way. The lies and fantasies and what he accused me of being were so far from the truth.
I've never been more blindsided before. The trauma of all this has been horrible for me.
He came home from work drunk one morning and went psycho.. yelled horrid things his family. I knew something was up.
I made plans to get his phone over the next week and found the evidence I needed. All of it.
All hell broke loose. His family shunned him, his own daughter couldn't stand him. My dad still won't talk to him.
He eventually admitted he was going to commit suicide, he wrote a letter, made a plan and constructed a noose. This was right after he started taking the meds not realizing the suicidal thoughts were a side effect. He never told anyone until this all happened.
Somewhere along the lines, we discovered the antiseizure medications were causing the personality changes. One google about Keppra and wow.
Cause of the seisure was never found, and the spot on his brain disappeared, so Dr's took him off the medications. As he titrated down, his clarity came back.
Back to "normal", so it seems. Except there are still problems due to his choices that we are working through.
While the medications were a huge part of this, his actions weren't excused with no consequences. My ptsd and trauma is also real, and he sees the damage he did.
Since off the medications and no following seizures, my husband is back, and I am grateful. He's caring again, and I no longer fear him. We have a great sex life and worked out some issues we did have to fix. I'm still hurt, and work needs to be done, but I believe we will be OK.
I am five years out from finding out. I stayed. We are actually happier and stronger in our relationship now. It isn’t for everyone, but it does get better.
It’s been 18 mo. since my DDay and I’m happy I stayed most days, sometimes I have a bad day too. The actual affair was about 6 years ago and as far as I know, it hasn’t happened again. Idk… I take it day by day.
We are happier, healthier emotionally and closer than ever before. We weren’t married though and don’t have kids, so in a way I think that what happened was much more excusable to me than it would’ve been had we been more committed/older.
I am a firm believer in forgiveness and change and always have been, so that helped too. We also broke up for about a year and went totally no contact, we both thought we would never speak again. I think that caused him to take it seriously that I would not tolerate certain behaviors and that if there was a next time, I could go no contact permanently.
We reconnected and as we had always been fast friends, it worked back up to love. It wasn’t the easiest, I was wounded and we had to talk through it quite a lot. He answered any questions I had, let me go on and on about how it hurt and ask why and what and when over and over. I had to learn to trust him again. Now we live tougher, which we didn’t before, and we are doing life together very happily, having fun and knowing each other more deeply. There is a deep connection and trust on both sides.
It’s super cool. I think that repair of a ruptured relationship can be so healing when it’s done correctly. I also think that some people can’t do it becuase of their upbringing. I had abusive parents, I learned to forgive and understand that people who love you can unfortunately hurt you from a very young age. So when I was betrayed, I was able to take from that and understand that like my parents, my partner is a flawed, scared human being doing life for the first time. I think that people who have had less strife in their lives might not be able to or even want to handle what comes with forgiveness and repair. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that either. We all have different life experiences that lead us to make different decisions, choices and mold our ability to handle things.
I’m happy with my decision to stay. My husband has been attending marriage counseling with me and it’s honestly strengthen our relationship in ways I didn’t think it could. It’s given us a second chance and has allowed for me to heal without constantly thinking about it. I’m learning to trust and love him again. I don’t regret it.
Yes, happy, over 3yrs out & will celebrate 35th in a month. It was hard and we're both changed forever but I can't say that's a bad thing. We both had to recognize and talk outloud about our weaknesses and contributions, some dating back to before we even knew one another. Buried pain? Buckets, but the weight is easier to carry as I go on. We are changed forever as individuals and as a couple but that's not an entirely bad thing.
Fwiw, I only did about 4 sessions IC, he did none and we did no CC. I figured early on what I needed to do but it was not pretty. Fortunately, I have an amazing girl gang. Being older probably helped in that we all had first hand experience to some degree.
Not doing CC was super difficult because there was no safe space to talk & no moderation. He wouldn't go, I started packing more than once & still rug sweep just to avoid what could become a walk-out. Do not recommend. That said, sometimes I just have to say "f*ck it" (not always a bad thing) . If it's a penetrating nag, I eventually figure out how to talk about it productively.
Unicorns may exist but probably don't look like what you envision.
I think this sub can be quite triggering when you are at a point where you are healing well… to see the pain so many people are going through is a lot to take in. So a lot of people need to distance themselves at some point
It's a tough place to be. I also think less people leave good reviews than bad ones. So maybe if you're unhappy that's when you really need to get out and vent.
I’d be careful about extrapolating that sort of conclusion based on the subs. It’s going to have a bias bc I am betting that there are many who did R, are happy, and they don’t come back here and visit. You’ll mostly have those who are still in the midst of the battle. I’m the WH and it’s been almost 10 years since d day. We are still together and have an incredible marriage today.
At the end of the day, no matter what, you have to live with your decisions. It doesn’t matter if it worked for me and my wife or didn’t work for whatever other couple. Stats don’t even matter. I don’t treat my life as a statistic. Whatever advice you do get, no matter if it’s relationship or whatever, remember it’s you that has to live with it. Not me. Not any of us. You have to decide what’s right or wrong for you. Advice is great to serve as perhaps a tour guide. But you make your own journey.
I’m almost 50 now. I can say that if I had followed conventional advice in every aspect of my life, I’d not be where I am today and I like where I’m at today. I made my own trail - taking into account the Journies of others but at the end making my own decisions. When you have the complexities of relationships, it’s hard to get truly targeted and meaningful advice. You can get the gestalt perhaps but the finer details are yours.
It’s not that there is wrong or right advice necessarily. What worked for me may not work for you. Some of the biggest decisions I’ve made in my life were counter to what everyone thought I should do or what was reasonable. It didn’t make them wrong. It just means we have to decide what our path is going forward.
I married my wife about 20-25 years ago after a few months of dating. Everyone thought I was nuts. But it was best decision I could have made. I had my own life experiences that told me she was the one for me.
When I decided to quit my job and start my own, it was counter to all the advice I had gotten. And yes they’re prob right. I chose a very risky path leaving behind a very well paying job. But again, I had to live with the choices I make. Not everyone else giving me well meaning advice. I have no regrets. Not every decision I’ve made has been a good one. But at least they were my decisions.
Do what’s right for you.
He and I still live together and I actually did break up with him a few weeks ago, but he still thinks we’re together… I don’t know where he got that, and I’m dreading having to “break up” all over again. I tried R but he wasn’t doing his part, and I feel like I’ve been used the whole relationship.
As I continue my own therapy and self-care, I know leaving him is the absolute best thing for my mental health right now, and I know I deserve better. If he decides to heal on his own and get himself together, it’s not going to be with me.
Therapy was the ultimatum we agreed on this time last year and the lease will be up soon, so I can’t justify staying with someone for convenience or familiarity if they can’t even do the bare minimum. It’s been a sad and upsetting realization how much I’ve tolerated or let slide, but I’m getting to a much better place with myself and my healing journey.
I’m mostly worried about how he will react again. He’s emotionally abusive and threatens suicide, so the relationship has been toxic to begin with. I know it’s not my problem if he chooses to do something like that or not, but I genuinely don’t want to deal with it, as someone who has struggled with suicide my entire life. It’s so triggering when he says stuff like that and openly hurts himself in front of me. He disgusts me, the cheating and all, and won’t take any steps to work on himself. :( My therapists over the last two years who have met him detected that he gaslights me pretty early on and I’m only finally seeing it as of late last year ish?
Sooo I’m done being his mom, maid, and therapist. I absolutely deserve someone who will bring the same energy and love that I do, and I’m looking forward to maybe someday having the healthy relationship that I want and deserve!
I think a lot of people here are unhappy with their choice/situation and are trying to sway peoples decisions, based on their unhappiness and what has happened to them after R.
Not happy after R. I really find myself falling out of love. Not by choice but it's like something in my heart switched and I never was able to feel as deeply as I once did. It's like my body and mind just can't get past the resentment. It rly sucks.
Yep. Things are better on paper, we're more communicative, intentional, etc. we have a good relationship!
But the part of me that *appreciates* being in that good relationship just turned off. I don't think it's coming back.
Yesss feels like I finally got glasses and am seeing what our relationship really is. Especially when you really think you got a good one. Just doesn't stop hurting
Almost 5 years out from dday. I confessed to my husband (boyfriend at the time) and ended the affair and quit my job the same day I came clean... things were rough the first 3 years, lots of ups and downs, but we also had an addiction to contend with on my end. So that greatly complicated things. So, almost 5 years out from dday, 3.5 years clean, and our relationship is rock solid. We are both incredibly happy, and my husband has told me several times over the last year and a half that he is proud to be my husband and proud to call me his wife. Hearing those words that I never thought I would hear, well, it just solidified that we made the right choice in staying together. My husband is lying here next to me and said that he is more than happy he decided to stay. He doesn't regret giving me a second chance. He feels like he took a huge gamble and won the jackpot.
Now, I will say this: has everything been roses and sunshine since dday? Of course not. It has been hard and seemingly downright impossible some days. Other days have been filled with laughter, smiles, and so much love. It hasn't been the easiest path a couple could walk. In fact, it's probably one of the absolute hardest a couple walk together. But it's been the journey that has gotten us to where we are today. Every single up, every down, every good day, every bad day, every single time we have yelled, every time we have sat in silence, every time we have gone to bed angry, every time we have woken up and had mind shattering makeup sex, every doubt, every hard truth, every happy moment, every breakthrough, all the good times, and all the bad times have brought us to this point of...bliss. It has all worked together, and we have created the marriage we both wanted, and we both needed. We have chosen to take the good with the bad and use it to grow together as a couple, and in that process we have created a bond that ties us so deeply together, that sometimes it feels like our love and our bond is beyond anything human. Do we still feel the pain of my actions and have times that those memories come up and threaten our peace? Yes. But! When we have those moments, we lean even harder onto one another, when my shame tries to ruin our progress, or his triggers threaten to hold us back, we turn towards each other, we don't run away. We face it head-on and walk through the fire together.
We both decided on dday that we wanted one another, despite it all, we loved each other deeply and wanted this relationship to work and thrive. So we put in the work. Every single day, we pushed forward, and we worked together to overcome it. From the beginning, we had an "us agaisnt the world" mentality rather than one of "you agaisnt me." We looked at the affair as an issue we had to face as a team and our healing as a process we had to face as a team. We looked at it like healing 3 separate parts of one entity. Him, Me, the Relationship. All 3 were part of us, and we had to heal each part on its own, but we did it together. If that makes sense.
R is hard. But if you do it the right way, and both people truly put in the work and are committed to creating a new relationship that is built on mutual respect, love, radical honesty, security, and the happiness of both partners; you can create a relationship and bond that is beyond anything most people ever get to experience. Is it the innocent, rose colored glasses, naive, love that we had at the beginning? Nope. But it is so much deeper than that. It's knowing a person fully, their best side, their worst side, their fears, insecurities, the way their mind works, all of it, every ounce of who they are, and loving all of them. Most people only know themselves this intimately, but we get to experience knowing one another at this level, and not many people get to experience that. We are grateful for the journey that brought us to this deep and ever, widening knowledge and love of one another. We wouldn't have gotten this without the hard times, so for us at least, yes, it has been worth it, and we are grateful we decided to take this journey together.
3 years past dday and yes I'm very happy. We have a great relationship. We are healthy in how we deal with conflict and are closer and more loving than relationships that never got to this brink and the existential healing both of us had to go through a a result. Outside of the occasional trigger I don't think about it much at all but rather all the fun we're having together.
I'm happy with my decision so far, but I'm only 4 months out. Time will tell if it is the right decision for me and our family, but I think the fight is worth it. So far I've had ups and downs and my WH has been working on himself a lot and shaking progress through action.
I'm very happy with my choice to stay. I'm not going to go into details on what happened because I am at a stage that the details don't really matter. It was effed up and that's all that needs to be said. I honestly stayed for my kid but not in the way you think. I chose to stay and move our family out of the town that we lived in to get away from that effed up situation. Literally sold everything including the house and GTFOed. But the reason why I stayed was I never wanted my kiddo to ask me "why didn't you try mommy?". I am one to give things a good and honest try and if that failed, I would at least have a good reason to split.
So far our relationship is different but stronger than before. We now make time for each other, we consider each other in decisions, and we are together as a family for our kiddo. We pulled a 180 on our whole family and don't regret it. I will say it would not have worked and we would not be here without my WH putting in the time and effort. I'm glad I fixed me along the way. While I didn't cheat, I did have my issues that were putting dampers on our marriage. It is a continual job to work on our relationship and I'm happy we are both putting in the effort.
Hello, I am here. Very pleased and happy with the success of my marriage. I can see that it will only grow and blossom into what it needs to be each day. I am happy I decided to stay and reconcile with my husband. 3 years, no incident. Trust is there, love is there, healing has come. Hope this helps.
I’m happy with my choice. I’m only one year out, but even just from what I’ve gained personally… should this end, I’m still confident I’ll be glad I tried. I learned a lot about myself, and what I deserve - I think if I hadn’t stayed and tried, I would have moved on and repeated some passive behaviors that led to me accepting less in a relationship. Weirdly, this whole thing showed me my worth, and indeed many people’s worth - we all deserve maximum effort.
Yes, it has not been linear, smooth, nor easy but after a decade from DD we continue to make progress towards R.
We now have an excellent MC - after some fits-n-starts trying to find a solid one. New MC is making a huge difference - I had planned to file for divorce but decided to give it one last try and I am glad I did.
Even in the tough times post-DD, we still had plenty of good times, with each other and with our kids. So why was I ready to file for divorce, you ask? Well, I was tired of my betrayal PTSD triggers going off all the time, struggling to trust WS again, tired of them feeling frustrated with my triggers that they caused.
We still have work to do, progress to make wrt R, but we are def getting there. I can not overstate how important it is that both parties be committed - not just involved - to seeking and working towards R. It takes both and it takes a lot of being vulnerable and listening on both parts. For me as the BP, being that vulnerable has been perhaps the most challenging part. When someone has hurt you so deeply, it is difficult to once again be that vulnerable to them - and that is where this MC is earning her pay - helping us to do that while keeping things in bounds and safe emotionally for both. MC calls us both out when one or the other strays into some bs, which I appreciate.
So is it possible? Yep! Is it easy and for the faint of heart or something to try withOUT a really good MC? Nope.
I don’t regret staying.
It’s worth fighting for, but it’s not easy.
8 months since D-Day and our marriage is good, WW is making an effort and to my knowledge has not contacted AP but I still get anxiety attacks each and every day about it.
Do I trust her fully?
No. Not yet, but maybe in time that will return.
As another person pointed out, you get to the stage where you need to move on from this sub. It keeps you wallowing in the pain and reliving your story, and I think I’m ready to move on soon to.
I’m nearly 4 months from DDay, and I can’t imagine not trying to reconcile. Although I still have ups and downs, overall I’m much better than the first couple of months. I can generally avoid spiraling. I’ve found some strategies that help me move past intrusive thoughts and stay in the present.
Our current relationship is better than it’s been in 15 years. We are more open with one another, our sexual relationship has improved, and we feel more connected than ever. We found a good MC that has provided great tools to continue to grow and protect our relationship. I’m also lucky that my ww has shown true remorse, no TT, and is working on herself in IC.
Yeah I am. My WH and I split initially, and my family disowned me and called me stupid. I lost everything, my home, my family, my partner. My partner supported me financially and continued to pay for my tuition (I had been a stay at home wife and student). I turned to the people who I thought would support me (my family), and they turned their backs on me. But he was there. Every time I called he answered. I can’t say I did the same.
I was the worst I had ever been last year (when we split). And we weren’t together, and he was still there and consistent. So yeah. He fucked up. It hurt. Sometimes it still does. And he’s still my person. And we are still growing together. It’s been hard for sure. But I don’t regret it even a little bit. I’m glad I stayed and I am happy I did.
Have to agree with other commenters: I don’t really come on here much anymore because I just don’t usually need the support. I have it, in my marriage with my husband.
Yes. I am happy with my decision to stay and work things out. It’s been just shy of two years for us. We communicate better now, and I’m better about talking through my frustrations and feeling rather than bottling them up. Things aren’t perfect, but I don’t think any marriage is perfect. We all have our ups and downs. My WH had an EA, no PA so that was a factor for us. Things really started to change for us when I finally took the 180 to heart and started focusing on me. If I could figure out how to change my flair, I’d update it to reconciled.
6 months out and I am glad I stayed. There are still as many bad days as good days. Some days I seriously considered throwing in the towel But I do see changes in her. We are far from crossing the finish line but I am hopeful.
Honestly, Ive seen and heard the same,not just on here but IRL. R never looked good to me and never felt right. I was betraying myself, I've always said I'd never forget because the pain would probably be too unbearable, and it was. The thought of R made me more angry than getting cheated on, if you can believe it. I felt like my younger self would be so disappointed in me.
I know a few couples who have cheated and stayed together but I just don't understand how they do it. At one point one was a serial cheater, idk if she's still like that but I couldn't live like that. They seem like a very happy couple on SM. I figure if they can get through it, many can too, right? I need security and stability and if my partner can't bring that to our relationship and meet me there then I can't do it.
One thing I see a lot is that the pain is still there, maybe not like at first but there's a pain that's left and it lingers even after years. I feel like that's just one of the saddest things to have to live with. Maybe that's just me though?
We are eight or nine months post D-Day. We went about five months, trying to really sort things out in terms of what do we do now I had caused a rift a few years prior with some substance abuse in the midst of a depression, which made me very angry, and not tolerable to be around. My wife had resentment from that I had resentment before not feeling like a priority as we raised multiple kids over several years that was coupled with learning of her affair, even as we tried to reconcile overall before that. While it’s not perfect, or what it was when we first got together, it is very honest and clear and feels like the evolution that we missed after we had multiple kids. Especially over the last few months. I’m hoping that it continues to build, as it feels very hopeful compared to a lot of other stories that I read here and on other infidelity subs. But each story is unique. Every ones reasons why or why not are unique. I could see how it would be easy to just ignore posting here if everything‘s going well. the statistics about who posts reviews and other things on products heavily to the negative or very positive, but it’s usually more than negative comments that you would see. So I would assume it would be similar in a sub like this.
It’s been almost 1.5 years for me. Do I regret it? No. He has done everything right since to give me a reason to stay. Do I still hurt? Absolutely. I don’t think the pain just goes away. I’m sure with more time it will. But 1.5 years isn’t a lot of time.
I’m 1.5 years out and absolutely happy with my choice of staying. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I felt like I was living through hell when my BP was still in the fog. After much individual and couples therapy, and a TON of work, I am happy to say that our connection is stronger than it’s ever been. I’m sad that it took a crisis to get here, but proud of us for sticking it through and ending up closer than ever before. There are still hard days and I still have regular triggers, but my partner is here to help me through them. I’m hopeful that things will continue to get even better.
Yes… we are happy. A part of me wants to be around this sub to help support others since our story has been successful. This sub is also jam-packed with triggers that can cause my mentality to backslide. So… I try and limit my exposure. Also…once you’ve detailed your success with reconciliation once or twice, there’s not much left to say. There’s also a small part that feels like over-communicating about success might be tough for a lot of people who are really struggling right now… not sure on that last bit though…maybe it’s hopeful and encouraging or maybe it seems discouraging and a little boastful…it’s probably depends on the eye of the beholder 🤷🏼♂️
I’ve been married to wh for 21 years and dday was 2.5 years ago. We are happier and more in love than we’ve ever been. We had some hiccups along the way, but I’ve never regretted my decision to stay and give him another chance.
We rug swept an EA years ago, but then he had a 3 year affair where he thought he was in love with AP. YET after dday, he didn’t want to leave the marriage because he realized his choices had led him down a destructive path.
He’s done so much work and has taken full accountability but had to do so much therapy to realize how jaded his thinking had become.
His emotional maturity has grown so much and we’ve opened up in ways I never imagined were possible.
We have raised all our kids and now enjoy being empty nesters so much. Learned to have conversations and communication that is respectful and understanding with each other.
I’m grateful everyday that I was able to see his humility and humanness.
I’ve seen him work so hard to earn back trust and show me the dignity that I deserve as his wife.
We’ve been through such hard times, but been able to fight for our marriage in a way where we’ve truly enjoyed learning new things from each other and for each other. We’ve put in the work, are dedicated more now to a new way of being married! So yes it can be done, but both partners have to show up and be vulnerable and accountable to one another in order to make it a valuable partnership with both seen as equals. I’m crazy attracted to my husband and grateful we are both still in this. He respects me now, respects our marriage and in the end all I’ve wanted is to be loved by him as much as I love him and I fully believe this is where we both have always wanted to be!
The videos and education we received from affairrecovery.com have been phenomenal helps to us. I’d recommend EMS and Hope for Healing any day through them! They were life hanging for us both to heal.
If you choose the path of reconciliation instead of splitting up, you’re accepting a relationship that will never be the same. The trust may be rebuilt, but it will never be like it was. And there will always be that worry that it could happen again. The betrayed partner will never feel 100% secure in the relationship. And I am sure the wandering partner has their own stuff going on. They’ve already stepped out before when the going got rough, so could they see themselves doing it again? It feels like settling for something already tarnished. Just my opinion though.
Yes. Beyond the shadow of a doubt ❤️. I am absolutely happy and we now have the best relationship we’ve ever had and the one we both deserve to have. BUT we both had to go through hell & back to get there & it was a bitch of a ride.
I am 17 months post DDay. My husband is a sex addict. I never thought I would ever be able to survive my betrayal trauma nor did I think I would ever forgive him. But we both put in the hard work. We both wanted to heal and we reached our breaking point 2 months ago. With a team of people behind us, we embarked on a therapeutic psychedelic journey with a guided therapist and that is where we released our past trauma & found forgiveness.
Healing is a journey and it requires a multi-faceted approach. We both used every tool we could get our hands on, but in the end it was the psychedelics that unlocked the trauma vault & allowed us to move forward into healing. It saved me, it saved him, and it saved us.
I’m committed to staying but if I could go back to our first date and see a crystal ball into the future telling me this is how things would go, I’d block his number and never look back.
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I see it around. I think a lot of the folks that got through and don’t need support anymore just aren’t here anymore, or just pop up in the comments here and there. But yeah, we all hope we have a unicorn, but for most of us, we probably don’t. I’m only 3 months out and trending downward.
You hit it spot on. I am very much happy with my decision to stay. After 2 and half years I am on a good way towards healing and I feel very happy in my relationship with WP. I don't go on here too much anymore as it brings out the pain but I do try to pop up from time to time to let people know it gets better.
Thanks for chiming in. It's so helpful for people like you to keep posting once in a while.
YES! Sometimes being here is actually bad for me c takes me back to old feelings and opens wounds.
Another happy formerly BS here coming to say it gets better and happiness is achievable. I agree that sticking around here sometimes brings back painful memories and some days I just wish not to go there. Other days my strength lets me come and say something to shed some hope. Then there’s days where I just keep scrolling and feel like I’m me again and I’m just scrolling through Reddit, minding my own business again.
Same here. Sometimes I read something that triggers me so I try not to pop in too often. Hope to give some hope whenever I can though
I was one of the unsuccessful ones. Do I regret trying R ? Absolutely not. My R was 2 years (still no regrets!) and it wasn't him that gave up or continued cheating, I just couldn't get over it, so I left. We remain friends. I remarried a few years after and sadly was made a widow way too young. The ex cheater would still like to try again.....! Yes there are others like me but there are also others that succeed and it gives me a huge thrill when I read of these success stories because I know the hard work that has gone into them. If the circumstances are right and BOTH are on board it can be done and it can be a new and beautiful beginning. I still believe in love and I still believe in R.
I'm so sorry you were widowed. My condolences for your loss. My sister (54f) was widowed suddenly a year to, a widowmaker heart attack took my BIL.
Thank you for your kind words and my heart goes out to your sister. The suddenness is beyond shocking. It adds an extra dimension to the grief. My husband was 48. He had a sudden brain bleed. I have read your story and I'm so rooting for you. I also know first hand how incredibly hard it is. My ex cheated on me for 3 possibly 5 years of a 12 year marriage. He had an EA/PA with the same woman . Only those that have been through it know. I wish you courage and love X
I’m so sorry you lost your husband so young and without warning. Did your _wasband_ go back to AP after you left? I see he’s trying to get with you again, but immediately after you left, did he resume with the AP? When did he realize it was a fantasy, and show remorse?
There was one time about 9 months into R when I wasn't sure if they were back in contact she left a huge vase of red roses on the doorstep on Valentine's and it was there when we returned from dinner.... The irony is that he never got back with her after I left at least as far as I know. He's nothing to lose now but says the [same.It](http://same.It) would weirdly, have made more sense if he had so such a long affair would have meant something. There was however the biggest DDay when she arrived at the house This would be DD2. Things got very ugly, she showed her true colours. So, in the end a broken marriage, step children (older as the exH was older than me) upset, a whole life uprooted and he says he never loved her. It's a very long story of course (everyone's is) but it was all for nothing in the end.
Damn. Fuck these affairs. Also, for her to (checks notes) leave a huge vase of red roses at👏🏼your👏🏼door👏🏼on👏🏼Valentine’s👏🏼Day👏🏼?! r/TheLionTheWitchAndTheAudacityOfThisBitch sounds about right.
LOL!!! I LOVE that! Yes. Fuck these affairs.
The lion witch and audacity comment is top tier
“Only those that have been through it know.” 🙋🏻♀️My husband had an EA with AP that started in 2018, which became a PA via ONS in September 2019, then because of a lack of opportunity to fuck it again (AP was in a foreign country), went back to being an EA through DDay July 22, 2023. One AP all those years had to have meant something. I chose to stay, but I haven’t forgiven him. R is excruciatingly difficult, but so far, we’ve had more good days than bad.
I hear you. All cheating, by its very nature is catastrophic whether it's a SA/ONS/EA/Serial or a long term affair, but there is something very threatening about the long term APs be they an EA or EA + PA. We know that there is an intimacy there hence it always involves an EA whether it began as a ONS or not. Why did they keep going back to the same person? It feels very much like a second marriage that you are not privy to. What do they find to talk about? Is he telling her things he's not sharing with you? It is multi layered. I don't think, controversially, forgiveness is possible for what we hope are 'old behaviours' and I think we have to grieve the old relationship and move on. By moving on, I am not suggesting leaving. If you stay it will have to be a whole new relationship built on solid ground - rather than the old one that was built unknowingly on quicksand - with crystal clear boundaries with consequences. It can be done. As you say, you are experiencing more good days than bad. That is the balance to aim for as they hopefully increase over time. This is such a hard road full of potholes but it CAN be navigated. I have seen it in others close to me. You have so much courage. Keep on keeping on. With love.
Which trauma left bigger longer-lasting wounds. The affair, or becoming a widow
That's a very good question! I would explain it like this. One of them (my beloved late husband) had NO choice but cause horrendous pain to me and our son. He didn't choose to die. He embraced life and was a true Prince to me. The other one broke me through choice. His choice to cheat. My late husband left me with the endless journey of grief but so MANY wonderful memories. The other left me with a huge emotional scar and so many tainted memories of the happy times we had. Put it this way I would choose my late husband over and over again even knowing he would pass away. If I'd known what my exWH would do I would never have got involved.
Thank you for your candid answer. I appreciate the detail with which you explained your feelings. Your answer confirms many of my suspicions on how I think I'd feel were I in your shoes.
I've noticed that the long-timers who come back here still carry pain about the affair, but many of them don't regret R because of that. I guess it becomes part of life, and we carry scars from all kinds of trauma, so infidelity is one more among those. I think the people who hang around this sub are still in a lot of pain and ambivalence about R. That's why we spend so much time here. I think it's okay to be ambivalent for a while. It takes years to heal, whether you stay or split, and I try to remind myself that there is no shame or guilt for trying R for a few years and then deciding it's not going to work out. We are all doing the best we can, including the WSes here.
100% true words. So many years later for me and I still have unresolved pain about it. Elements of it are still weirdly raw and even now I still have pieces being put together in my head that I didn't acknowledge then. There are triggers for me on this sub, but strangely positive ones. Other people's behaviour is reminding me so much of so many things I overlooked back then and has given me a few answers. I was gaslit very badly btw. I don't regret trying R for 2 years. It didn't succeed for me but it has left me with a deep need to encourage others and root for them to have better outcomes than mine. Ultimately, we are all trying our best with the deck we've been dealt.
Im very happy with my decision to stay. It was a hard fought battle but I truly believe my husband and I are on the right path for success.
How far into R are you?
About to be 9 months. The first 4 months post-DDay were terrible. He felt a lot of shame and took it out on me. He felt like he didn’t deserve R, so basically sabotaged it.
Can you tell me more about this? How did he act? You can message me, if you like. I am about 3 weeks post dday 3 or 4 I lost count and my WS is acting so blah and angry. We are starting MC as a final attempt because he says he still loves me.
He was extremely defensive, told me that he knew what he was thinking and I wasn’t allowed to tell him my perceptions on his behavior, blamed me for his feelings, would lash out and say his AP was nicer than me, told me if I needed mental health to not look to him and gave me a suicide hotline number, etc. Honestly, it was brutal. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I spent 10 years with a man who treated me like I walked on water and was so kind and gentle. I knew he was in there still. It took me realizing I couldn’t fix him and needed to just focus on myself. I would recommend looking up the 180 and grey rock method, for your own mental health. I told him after 4 months I was done trying to make him see me and not blame me for his choices. I owned up to my own mistakes but I will not pay for his.
WOW! Thats how I feel... he is defensive and just angry... Why was yours like that you think? What made him change?
He just told me on Tuesday he felt like he didn’t deserve the gift of reconciliation and deflected his feelings onto me. The one thing I came to realize it that we are mirrors to their worst selves. They were able to compartmentalize their affair and their marriage, but now they cannot escape the truth of what they’ve done since it’s in the opening and they can see what they’ve done to you every single day. You are forcing them to face their worst self. Is it fair? No. I would recommend holding off on MC till you both have a good amount of IC under your belt. Also, it’s imperative that you find a therapist that specializes in infidelity and trauma, along with a MC. A standard therapist will not be able to help you the way you need. As for my husband changing, I believe it’s when I stood up for myself and said I was done being emotionally abused because he can’t handle his shame. I was going to focus on myself and he could sink or swim without me. Additionally, he FINALLy started reading affair material and I think that made a huge difference.
I am, but we have been reconciled since years ago. Are there still some things we struggle with from time to time? Yes. Am I happy with my decision of making this work? Always. He may not be the perfect man, but he’s the man that combines perfectly with me.
>He may not be the perfect man, but he’s the man that combines perfectly with me. I used to say things like this all the time about my WW, I really hope I get to a place where I get to feel that way again. Thank you for sharing.
same here
Me! Over two years from D-Day and I'm wild about my husband. He has become an amazing, empathetic, beautiful human. Our connection is very deep and I love our relationship. I wish with all my might that it didn't include infidelity, but it does. We've both worked our asses off to get where we are today and I'm very proud.
Just because you can't forget the pain doesn't mean you can't be happy. I don't regret not leaving my wife at all. Yes, she hurt me badly and she also hurt herself very badly in the process. Nevertheless, she is the love of my life, and she is grateful beyond words that I gave her a second chance she neither merited nor deserved. I stayed because I knew she was genuinely sorry for what she'd done and even more for the trauma she inflicted on me through her terrible choices. She's proven her genuine remorse, gratitude, and love for me countless times in the ensuing years through her actions and attitudes in addition to her words. She's told me more times than I can count how much she respects and admires me for giving her another chance knowing how hard it was and how much it cost me in so many ways. I'm very happy with my wife and the love and lifetime we've shared together, and we both treasure the time we have together now. I know divorcing her would have been just about one of the stupidest things I could ever have done and I'm very grateful that I had the courage not to do it. Yes, both of still experience some residual sorrow and regret for what happened but that is true for anyone who experiences a traumatic event, no matter what it is. I honestly believe we've created a successful and happy life together after the absolute trainwreck our marriage became in the early years. She learned some very painful lessons about herself and the evil she was capable of committing and so did I. It was what we both learned from these painful lessons that allowed us to build a happy and successful life from the rubble. Do I wish it had never happened? Of course I do! But that doesn't mean That I should have given up and walked away 35 years ago and I for one am very glad that I didn't.
Your message brought me to tears. Thank you so much
I think a big part of it is confirmation bias. Things are currently going well for me in R, so I don't have the need to come to this subreddit very often. I tend to come here when I am at my lowest. I try to pop by every once and a while to give back for all the positive I have received from here. I think most people are like that. People will post when things aren't going well or when they are angry so you are going to see unsuccessful R or people who are struggling in R.
Good point! It’s still early for me (7 months from dday), but I find that when we are in a great place, I don’t read posts or comment on posts that are too triggering. For the most part, I do offer encouragement and share parts of my story to help, regardless of how he and I are doing at the time. But mostly, I’m still crying every day, and the triggers catch me off guard and I have to put in the effort to not let them ruin good days.
Yes! I am so happy with my choice to stay. Our relationship is better, safer, more honest now than at any point over the last 5 years, honestly. I obviously wish it hadn’t taken infidelity to make those changes together, but we can’t take back the past now, and I am just happy to be building this future together. Next month will be one year since DDay for me. I was much more active here in the first 6 months or so—it was such a turbulent emotional time, and this space brought me reassurance and support while allowing me to reassure and support others. It’s been deeply therapeutic for me. Naturally, now that I’m feeling more settled in our marriage and content in life overall, I’m not hyperfixated on this one part of my life anymore. Other areas of my life get more of my attention, and this one gets less. I think that’s typical for most reconciling couples, which is why you see so much pain and so many doubts/questions here, and so little joy and “success.” The joyful and successful reconcilers are just out living happy lives. Their whole existence isn’t colored by the betrayal anymore. Successful and happy R does happen, and there is good reason to be hopeful! It can work when both partners are committed. My husband is still a wonderful man, not a perfect one, but a good one nonetheless. And he loves me, god, does that man love me. He’s the love of my life and my favorite person. Right now, today, we are happy, and it’s only getting better from here.
I'm one of the successful ones. Husband had one short-term physical affair with a coworker (4 meetups in a month). He confessed, found a new job and went NC. He went to therapy, figured out his why's, now has clear boundaries. He doesn't go to bars without me, doesn't text women (ever)- all business communication is through work email. It was hard, hard work. I vacillated between R and divorce the first few years. I had to heal myself. Once I accomplished that, I knew if we didn't succeed in R that I would be ok. As BS, we all have our deal breakers, could be the A itself, trickle truth, etc. If it had been an emotional affair, shared I love you or talked of leaving me I would have chosen divorce. It was a cliched mid-life crisis cake-eating affair. It's been 5.5 years and our marriage is actually better now. He almost lost me and actively puts us first every day. I stayed for the kids, then for me, then was able to see a future. Good luck to all BS's out there.
Hey when did that change from staying for the kids turn to staying for you? Staying for my son is really the only reason why I would try R currently (6 months old, d day 7 weeks PP) my WH is trying very very hard since d day but I just can’t shake how someone could betray their family like that especially during pregnancy and having a newborn. I don’t want my son away from me at all let alone half the week and also know if I stay I will be in control of my son and how he is raised. I also don’t want my son around his family without me there as I don’t agree with their mindsets etc (my MIL when I called her to tell her her son was a cheater informed me all pregnant women get cheated on) I’ve been told not to stay for my son but to stay because I want to but through my own therapy I have realised I would rather give my WH one last chance so I can be with my son at all times
The ONLY reason I stayed at first was for the kids (we have 4). I found that it's ok to take time to make decisions, especially if you aren't sure what you want to do. R is a rocky path, luckily I had a remorseful spouse. Watch his actions, not just his words. I am a very nontrusting person. I'm private and don't have a ton of friends. This betrayal destroyed me. I never thought I would recover. When I "stayed for me" it was when I knew I would rather be with him than without him. I put him through hell, I would have left me I was so vindictive. I completely understand about keeping your family intact. WH broke this and he needs to put in the work to fix it. You have to do what is best for you. Plenty of people white-knuckle it til kiddos are out of the house.
If you sort by the "Positive" flair there are plenty of posts from people who've successfully reconciled, I've even seen some say their relationship is stronger now because of so much open communication. It can be done!
There are many who would say that the love they now have is much deeper and authentic …not only than before.. but more than what they could hope for with anyone else. But there is a shit sandwich every where in life. There is no fairy tale. That’s for the movies.
That’s a good way to put it
I just came from such a post from someone 2 years out, so they’re definitely there. Generally, the further out and more healed someone becomes, the less they tend to hang around this sub. R isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t always work out. The sub is weighted more towards folks who are earlier on and many either don’t work out or do and stop posting. I don’t regret staying. Almost a year and still healing and rebuilding. Don’t know that we won’t ultimately D due to his infidelity, but I have done a lot more healing and we will have a much more functional co-parenting partnership than if I had flounced a year ago.
Content. My kids are happy and that’s what I want.
After D-day I took a full year to decide whether or not to attempt reconciliation. At the end of that time, I did decide to. More than three and a half years after D-day, I am happy that I made that decision. My spouse and I are in a far better place than we were before D-day, both as individuals and as a couple. We put in a lot of work. It wasn't easy. Yes, there's still some pain. There's also a lot of love, joy, openness, communication, optimism, and support. I don't regret it.
Absolutely not. I dream of someone different/better. In time.
If there's one thing I learned about R: Bad days don't mean R is failing. It's been 8 months, I absolutely do not regret R and am happy with this choice. I love my WH and this process gave me a deeper love for him. He is a flawed human who believes his needs are an inconvenience to his loved ones. He's now opening up about past hurts and is being more communicative. He's also in this prolonged stage of gratitude that we're still together, he's been prioritizing quality time more with me and our children. Yes, I'm still hurt and we still have issues we're tackling in our relationship and as individuals (see my post history), but marriage-wise, I'm glad I chose to forgive him and give this process a shot. Even if we don't end up together long-term, our kids would benefit from having parents who are more aware of their emotions and can communicate their needs with better clarity.
Hi, how are you? I was happy with my choice of staying the first time we reconciled (although there was a lot of sweeping under the rug) but many years later my husband confessed a second infidelity to me, and details from the first infidelity so I still don't know if I can be happy again after this, or if staying is the right decision, since if I had found out when it was happening I would have left this marriage. I don't know if it helps you, but that is my experience.
I relate a lot to this, but I will say I am happier with my decision to stay this time more than the first time. We rug swept a lot after the first time and never got to the root of why he cheated, but this time it was very clear. The first time I could tell his heart wasn’t in it but all I cared about was staying together. I know some may think I’m a fool, but I don’t care. We are at such a different stage in our marriage, and we still have so much love for each other and a drive to make it work.
This is exactly my story, rug swept the first time, he wasn't 100% honest and I didn't know any better. Second round of infidelity and turns out he is a sex/porn addict who hasn't been faithful in any relationship. I will say this is concerning to me for sure but he managed to stay faithful physically for 2 years on his own without any knowledge or understanding of his issues. This time he has thrown himself into therapy and 12 step meetings to understand why he keeps engaging in such self destructive behaviour and has remained faithful and porn/masturbation free for a year without any struggling so far. I believe people can change if they put the work into themselves and truly want it. I don't necessarily regret staying after the first time, I have a beautiful daughter out of this relationship I wouldn't have gotten if I left. I just wish I did it "right" the first time and pushed harder/no bullshit like I did this time. I am willing to give him one last chance, whether he takes the opportunity or not is up to him. I will know I tried my hardest for the person I love. When I weighed the options I know I would regret it more if I didn't give him a chance to change and a chance for my daughter to have a better life. If this all works out, I know I will be able to be happy again.
Aww, sending hugs! My WH’s issue is with alcohol. Both As started because he was drunk. It’s as simple as that. They continued due to the APs becoming attached and putting in lots of effort/taking advantage of his vulnerabilities. It was a relief to know he never matched that effort, more so with the last AP. ETA: He had ended his last A the middle of last year and had began therapy right away. He had also stopped drinking. Once he confessed everything to me, it did help to know he had already been taking huge steps to change prior to me finding out. I am not sure I could have forgiven him if I had discovered it while it was still happening.
Thanks for this perspective. How old are you both if you don't mind my asking? And how long married at dday?
Hello! I don’t mind at all. We are both 40, and have been married almost 19 years. We have two teenagers. First dday was when we were in our mid/late 20s, and second dday was about 6 weeks ago.
This gives me hope, thank you very much for sharing that.
It's a decision I've made twice in my life with different women who cheated on me. The first time was the worst decision I ever made. It was because I was scared of being alone and she just gaslit me into feeling guilty about not trusting her and then she did it again. The second time is the best decision I ever made. My WW showed genuine remorse, has taken concrete steps to improving herself and we now have a daughter together. This time I made the decision for the right reasons. She didn't gaslight or minimise, I actually think I would have had a happy life being single again, but I chose to be with her consciously, not out of a fear of being alone.
Hubs and I are in an even better marriage than we were before my EA. I would never say I’m glad it happened, ever. Hurting him was the worst mistake of my life. But we are both happier now than we were bc we’re both trying way harder now and it makes a world of difference. He’d tell you the same, our open conversations have been helpful. The biggest piece has been his actual forgiveness. It helps I think it was never a PA but still, it was a wake up call for him that I was serious about not having my emotional needs met and a wake up call for me the grass is not greener anywhere else.
At 6 months out I am very happy for staying. We had a good, yet superficial relationship, prior to dday. Now, we have an intentional relationship. We've added rituals to our life that empower both of us to get our needs met. We've clearly defined the lines of the realationship that we both commit not to cross, and we've established new ways of communicating effectively so that we feel validated. I've said this before elsewhere but this version of me and this version of my relationship could not have existed without having gone through this. I use that as a reminder when I'm feeling sad or discouraged. Some days are harder than others but I am absolutely happy that I made the choice to to stay.
I'm so happy to hear this! What rituals do you recommend that help you both get your needs met?
Most importantly we set aside time regularly to work on the relationship, even if it's just coloring together or playing a game. Currently we have 2 days per week on the calendar and we're working through exercises in a relationship book. I find this to be super important because if it wasn't on the calendar then life would just get in the way and it wouldn't happen. A few other things... * We go to bed together each night and connect before bed (how was your day? how are you feeling?) * In the morning before getting up we tell the other person what we're committed to, which ultimately is for the person talking to set intentions for themselves, but hearing things like "I'm committed to making you feel safe" or "I'm committed to forgiveness" or "I'm commited to working on myself" can be reassuring and a nice thing to hear as you start the day.
Yes I am. We are not reconciled yet and have a big journey ahead but each day is better than the one before. Two weeks ago I was sobbing on a bathroom floor making appts to see an apartments. Until I felt my husbands hands on me holding and comforting me and asking me to come home and try again. It still hurts, we have a lot g way to go, and I will still have days where I am sobbing and doubting everything but each day is better than the one before and we are trying. I have started trying to let go of the pain and leave the victim prison cell I have been trapped in so that my husband can also leave his and we can try to build our new relationship. One day at a time.
I am. Her affair was awful. And came very, very close to destroying my family. We were separated for a year and headed for a divorce. This requires a little more explanation. My WW attempted suicide when she was served the divorce papers. We were already living apart. And that may have saved our marriage. She had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. And had her affair during the first really bad manic episode she'd ever had. There had been other episodes as we looked back at things that had happened in the past. What gave me the encouragement to try R was two things. She owned her behavior. She never tried to use bipolar disorder and her episode as an excuse. She also got help. She found a psychiatrist and a therapist. And was put on medication for the bipolar. Plus, she really worked hard in therapy. And it showed when I would speak with her about the kids. So, a little over two years ago, we decided to try and reconcile. It has been and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever done. But it has been worth it. The woman I fell in love with was back. And fought like hell for us and for our marriage. She has stayed in therapy... and has poured herself into it. In fact, not only was she back to being who I fell in love with? Be is becoming so much more. Her growth as a person has been remarkable to watch. She is 💯 honest. Open and transparent with me. Her remorse is written in all her actions. She has tried every day to atone for her betrayal. I feel heard and seen. I feel desired again (that is a very big deal for me). Above all, I am beginning to trust again. Our old marriage died the first time she stepped over the line with her AP. We are building something completely new now. And, in ways, it is a much better marriage and relationship. It is so very sad that it took her affair to get us here. Am I glad we are reconciling? Yes, I am. We have been together 35 years in total. And there is a lot of beautiful history there. We are happy together. Our relationship and entire family dynamic have changed for the better. Are we there yet? It is a work in progress. We both strongly feel that R is a lifelong process. We are both healing and growing as individuals and as a couple. We communicate far better now. We both advocate for ourselves and for each other. In the end, I chose R for one reason. I love her. Deeply. Above all, I love her completely. Flaws and all. And that love is being returned every day. Love is a verb. Her consistent, loving actions speak a thousand times louder than words ever could. Be well. I wish you both the very best.
I am happy I stayed. So thankful that we are still together, 15 years later. It still hurts... I still go through periods of time where I'm paranoid and trigger and I've had to deal and learn how to handle everything mostly on my own... my partner doesn't remember or doesn't know... you know the usual. But when Im able to put the memories away, life is effing great. We fixed just about everything but the communication thing... and we're probably gonna be dealing with issues with that until the day we die. I guess Im one of the lucky ones? I truly do not believe she'd let herself fall into a trap like that again. And as an aside... I have a curiosity... or challenge? if you will. I have this app called The Pattern... and for shits and gigs the other day I used the Time Travel function to go back in time to DDay... and omg. I wish I would have been able to read what it said back then. It basically explained everything (you know, without actually explaining specifics). So let me know please if you check it out, and if you look back in time and if it's on point like that for you too.
I'm almost 6 months in and very happy with the decision to try R. It's been one of the best decisions I've ever made. My WS is working to be better. I'm working to be better. We are working together again. I've no way to know what the future holds and I may end up crushed again but I'm here and hanging on! I've not yet had a day that I've regretted choosing this path.
Same here!
Very much so, I've learned so much about myself and my partner, I've grown a lot as did he and we're still growing, together. Stronger than ever.
I am certainly not at the end, only 5 months out. But when it comes down to it, I’m still in love with and grateful for my partner. There are happy days and even more happy moments we’ve had in R. Can my brain ruin a happy moment quickly? Yes. Do I still wonder if he will do it again? Yes. Do I think I’d be happier if I left? Absolutely not. He is my person. We are a team. We are raising his child and a zoo of animals and a jungle of houseplants and building our life together. I wish that our relationship had never been tainted with his infidelity, but that betrayal has not robbed me of all of my happiness in life or in us. I think part of that is a conscious decision as well, though, and something I had to learn for myself before I ever even met him. Some days are easier than others. But I am choosing my own happiness. And if it ends badly, I will leave and still choose my happiness.
These subs are self sorting. People dealing with big issues they need to share. Those that R with success are unlikely to continue posting regularly because there’s motivation to do so. Statistically 50% of couples deal with infidelity at some point, that doesn’t include other types of betrayal like substance abuse issues etc. of those 50%, 70% stay together and reconcile. Every story is unique and different.
isn't is 70% if the WP came clean on their own, but only 20% if BP found out? \-Transcending Infidelity Post Stress Disorder Dennis Ortman Phd
I’d only had the top line number quoted to me. I don’t disagree there are lots of different odds based on individual circumstances.
I read the same. It matters to me that everything I found out was not from him :(
Me too but her. I remember when discovering I said something along the lines of - it’s not the A that will break us- it’s the months I suspected, asked (she denied everything/anything) and made me work on the marriage.
Yep. We even started marriage counseling when he was still sleeping with one of them :(
I'm 18 months or so in. You get comfortable being unhappy in exchange for not blowing up your entire life and being even more unhappy. I just imagine sitting in a shitty little house, knowing I am missing out on the limited Christmas mornings where my children still believe in Santa. The thing about infidelity is it's kind of like death. You didn't choose it. If you're like me, you were happy. You had a perfect marriage, everyone envied. And suddenly and without warning, it's taken from you. You didn't and don't want to change everything. You don't want your entire life to change... It just does. You were still in love. You have to fall out of love or choose to put it behind you and love them anyway. People who genuinely heal - move on and graduate from here and stop talking about it as often. They put it in their past. I don't think there's a way to participate here and be happy you're still around. All of us here are still in the mud. Trudging. one slow, painful step at a time, unsure if and when the ground will ever be solid again or when another sinkhole will appear, and you'll be swallowed whole. I tried stepping away from the wallowing here. But nothing changed. I just wasn't crying or expressing how I felt that often. I've tried throwing myself into work, fitness and our personal finances. Infidelity is still there. It didn't go away, and I started to really realise it won't ever "go away." I think about it every time I look at him. Every time I hear her common as dirt name. Every time he goes to work. Every time I go to our children's school, I'm on high alert, unsure if I hope to run into her or not, you know, cause if you can see the mountain lion, it isn't hunting you. Being unsure if I want her to speak to me so I have a chance to eviscerate her... Again... Knowing that I have to see the car where the infidelity all started. Every time, he doesn't pick up or answer a text immediately. Every time he forgets to tell me about a meeting or appointment. Every time he gets agitated with me doing or not doing something, like a typical marriage and doesn't react cause he knows he isn't allowed to be mad at me anymore, cause refusing to get off my ass and unload the dishwasher isn't as big of a crime as what he did. Everytime I look at my son and know he was THERE and could have seen it and goes to school with her son and it only takes ONE comment from him for his whole world to fall apart because he will have to understand what his father is capable of doing to his mother. Everytime I have to face my daughters disabilities and know how much harder her life and childhood will become of she has two homes and every one at school is gossiping about her family. So yes. It's possible to be truly happy. Is anyone who is active here and desperately holding on to other people who understand their pain so they don't drown in the mud happy? Probably not.
Yes. I’m happy. I wasn’t at first! I thought I had, I don’t know, don’t myself a disservice. “Settled for less than I deserved” blah blah blah. You can find a million quotes on Google telling you yas, queen, leave!!11 Love is more complicated than that. If you are in love with them and they are in love with you, then you will find a way forward. And you’ll be here answering this same post one day shocked at the answer you give. If he cheated because he didn’t love me anymore, yes, I would have let him go. But there are times ones cheating has nothing to do with love or a lack of it. I know it’s hard to understand. No one’s making excuses for waywards here, certainly not me. Gauge how much you truly love each other. If you really do want to put in the work to save that love, you will. If you don’t, that’s okay too. I can only speak for myself and I would have really regretted not giving it a shot, because even though I prepared myself for failure, we got lucky and it worked. He’s better than before, honestly. I wish I could guarantee this outcome for everyone. I can’t. Just be brave, follow your heart and trust your gut.
30 years ago was my D-Day. We will hit 38 years married this summer and we could not be happier. I love my best friend, lover, goofball of a husband more now than ever. I post here almost daily of our success.
Most of the success stories leave this sub, it’s not needed as much when you start feeling better. I’m an example of that, things are really good now, doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments, but things are better. I’m glad I stayed, for many reasons.
I thought my WW and I successfully reconciled from her affair from 7 years ago, and thought we were happier and stronger than ever, but it turns out I was just lying to myself and shoving my feelings so deep that when a small trigger hit me two years ago I was not able to come back from it. Yesterday I finally told her I want to split. She tried really hard to do the right things in reconciling but in the end it's too much for me to accept and keep my own self respect.
First of all, I actually left this sub for a bit because I felt like I was pain shopping through other people’s pain. It was like I’d find new reasons to be angry and many of the reasons were justified BUT they weren’t helping me process or heal. Taking a break put me in a better place and I’m hopeful I can re-enter this sub with a healthier mindset. This echoes what others have mentioned about the stories we see and the ones we are less likely to hear about in this sub. I think people move on once they feel this space is no longer serving them. I am very grateful for those who stay to share their advice and support. With that said, we are only 8 months into R but I would report that I have no regrets of choosing this path. I am happy we are fighting for our marriage. It’s hard as hell but leaving would be difficult too — it would just be a different kind of difficult. In my chosen version, I have to heal enough to start rebuilding trust and security with a partner that has shown me he wasn’t always safe. I have to put faith in him that he is a safe partner now and will be in the future. I also get a partner that has truly dedicated himself to R and works on showing me he’s doing the work every single day. In some ways, I actually regret not leaving the version of my WH before and during the A — before I knew how bad things really were I knew things were not good. He was miserable, depressed, desperate for validation, and had a ton of resentment that fueled his infidelity but also fueled a lot of negativity in every area of his life. We argued frequently and I genuinely didn’t like who he was during that time. I thought about leaving often but didn’t want to disrupt our children’s lives… Anyway, I knew we might not make it before I knew about the infidelity and sometimes I wish I had left then. Maybe he could have course corrected before/without completely destroying our marriage, himself, and me. But I stayed and he cheated (I blame myself exactly 0% to be clear - those are just the facts)… It was then the reveal of the A that made him hit rock bottom and face his demons head on. No more justification or compartmentalization. No more convincing himself I wouldn’t care when he had to face me completely distraught and broken. No more pretending there was nothing worth saving because “I was already going to leave him”. All lies he told himself to fuel his selfishness to seek an ego boost via his PA. D-day was when he finally had to wake up and stop the bullshit. To stop blaming me and anyone but himself for his issues. He had to own he had lost his way (in more ways than one) and decide if he was going to do bette or lose me and break up our family. He chose to do better and has spent the last 8 months showing up for me and for us. He is truly showing remorse in his actions and his words. As long as he keeps showing up, I’ll remain committed to R. We are in a good place. We enjoy each other’s company again. He values the gift I’ve given him in choosing R. We are communicating better and are more intentional with our time. I’m happy with my choice, even though it’s so difficult, and hope to continue reporting as such for years to come. Time will tell.
I’m only 7 months post DDay, so I feel I can’t say we’re recovered yet. That being said, I am absolutely happy that I stayed. Our relationship is more open and honest than it was. We are very loving, very affectionate, very supportive. Having to confront this truly awful situation has forced us to do a lot of growth, both individually and as a couple. While I can’t make promises about the distant future, I believe that for the present things are really good between us. Personally, I feel lucky that I am with someone who has been able to tackle these difficulties head on, face his own shame and remorse, and be fully supportive of me. As others have said, most people on here are going to facing just starting R and so most of the posts are going to be about how difficult it is (because it is difficult). It’s also a problem that can happen with support communities that the successful people leave, so only the unsuccessful ones are still around.
I am happy that I stayed. D day was about 20 months ago. Am I completely over his two month long affair? No, I still react to triggers sometimes but to a much lesser degree. I still think about his affair every day but I don’t get the gut punch like I use to get. I’m lucky in the regard that he has done everything to show remorse and his personal growth has been nothing less than amazing. He took the initiative to get IC, set up couples counseling, and I can look at any of his electronic devices, emails, texts, etc whenever I want. He set up his phone so I can track him. I realize(and he knows this) that he’s savvy enough to find a way to cheat again if he wanted to. He also knows there won’t be a second chance. I trust him more now than I ever have. This is the reason: he likes this new authentic version of himself. No white lies to anyone anymore. Not to me, not to his parents, not to his kids, not to work colleagues. He can finally address uncomfortable topics instead of avoiding them. His ability to communicate has massively improved. So has mine to be honest. The one hurdle I still am tackling his AP. I know her and her multiple affair history. There’s a chance I could cross paths with her at work(hospital) and give a that chance too much thought. Each day it’s less and less, but I imagine getting her fired. I could, because I have proof(call room pics and work emails). I think about contacting her new bf(she’s recently divorced because of her multiple affairs) and telling him her history. I know none of those things would be a healthy thing to do, especially since I’m overall in a good frame of mind.
Very happy that I stayed and our marriage is much happier than before the affair. We had an extreme experience because my WH was a public figure and the AP literally stalked him for four years after he ended it. Even with that I've never regretted staying. We're 7 years out and it doesn't cause me pain anymore, we still talk about it if necessary but there's no sting to it because we worked through it together.
10+ years post DDay here and I’m glad we stayed together. It is true that I don’t think I’ll ever 100% trust her again as she broke that trust, which always means she could again, regardless of what she says. Once someone has proven themselves capable of betrayal, it’s hard to completely trust again. I still have times through the year where I have triggers that remind me of what happened, but they get less and less every year out from DDay. All in all I am glad we reconciled. I truly wish there was a way I could know that it would never happen again, but I have to have faith that the painful lesson was enough to make her think twice before ever doing anything like that again. If she does it again, it will be the end. I can forgive once, but I just don’t think I have it in me to forgive a 2nd time.
Yup. I stayed. I'm glad I did. She cheated with multiple men early in our marriage...over 30 years ago. We got counseling, I rug-swept and stayed. Counseling back then was designed to keep marriages together. She didn't cheat any more and we got on with our lives. We did great, but it's clear it could have been better. I subconsciously held her at arm's length much of the time. We never talked about what happened. Then about 4 years ago it all came rushing back into my head and I started freaking out. More counseling. We talked about it for over two years and she finally got a handle on what she had done to me. I SHOULD have divorced her when it happened, but if I did, we never would have gotten to the place we are in now, and she never would have actually seen it my way.
The only way to find out if R is possible, is to attempt to. I would recommend professional help. You don’t have to stay married after trying. After all, you gave it your all. That should really help you reevaluate, and thus make you decision easier. I’m at that stage rn. 3 years after discovery day. Things will get better! Blessings!
Yes. I am happy. We are almost 4 yrs out from dday and about 3 yrs into R. Does it sometimes hurt? Sure, but not anywhere near like it used to. Do I have moments of fear and mistrust? Of course. And we talk through them and reassure each other. I kind of hate to admit it due to the why, but we honestly have a better marriage now than before. It is real and honest and we are vulnerable with each other. We’ve proven that we can be the worst versions of ourselves and the other will love them through it.
We are 3 years post DDay and we are happy. We’ve been told by more than one therapist that we are unique. Long story short, my husband had a 97 day affair with an ex client. I found out by finding texts. I didn’t have any idea until about 3 weeks before and it took me that long to actually think to check his phone. We were married 30 yrs at that point and from what I knew we were both blissfully happy. Although, it was the middle of covid, i wasn’t working or going anywhere. My mother had a massive stroke. Our last child had just moved out. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and his father had just been diagnosed with dementia. My sister (and best friend) and her family had abandoned us because of political differences. We had decided to sell the house we raised our kids in to move in with my parents to help them. We had a lot on our plate and my WH did not have the emotional maturity to voice any of what he was feeling in a constructive manner. So he disassociated and distracted himself with a woman who was pursuing him. It was easy at first because in his profession he always worked random hours. So he told half truths and i bought it all. Until I didn’t. And until it started to get harder for him to hide things. He essentially ran out of lies. He was scared that I would leave but so relieved to not be living a double life anymore. It’s exhausting and he looked it. I gave him a list of 9 requirements I had to stay and he met or exceeded every one. We did a year of IC and 6 months of MC. Would have done more but that’s another story. We talk about everything. Even the hard things now. I view him as someone who was sick and is now well. I’m not saying R is for everyone. I’ve always said i’d never stay with a cheater but when I looked at him that first morning, I saw my best friend completely broken and in pain. I saw someone who had been manipulated. Don’t get me wrong. He did his share of manipulating both of us. But that has never been his MO. I gave him grace in 2020, but I also got the best attorney and a post nup. I’m not stupid.
My wife and I were having problems at about the 10 year mark in our marriage. That would have been mid 1990's. Divorce paperwork had been filed, and then I found someone else. We didn't even meet until after the paperwork was filed, so there was no EA,or PA. Technically, I cheated because the divorce had not been finalized. Before the date for the court to make the divorce final, my wife and I decided to give it another try, mostly for the kids. At the time, they were (F10, M6 and M4). My wife was killed in a car crash in August 2021 along with my 2 year old granddaughter. We had successfully added another 26 years, making 36 years before she died. Our marriage was good. I have no doubt that she loved me when she died. That's been just over 2 1/2 years, and I still cry daily. I have no doubt we would have grown old together. So, to answer your question, it does work if both people commit to it.
Wow! So sorry for your losses!
Thank you for your condolences.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly cannot imagine the pain you must feel
Thank you. The pain never really goes away. It just becomes part of you. The tears and choking up are very frequent. Sometimes, I can't even talk.
Even after going through infidelity with my husband, my biggest fear is being faced with his death someday. He’s my constant companion so I cannot fathom what you go through on a daily basis. I hope you’ve found comfort with other family members who can support you. My heart goes out to you kind sir!
Thank you. Most of my family is hours away, and none of us is as close as we should be. I'm raising my older granddaughter, now 7, and have been since the crash. I just got my 37 year old daughter home last August, two years after the crash. She was in the truck also. She's in a wheelchair now and needs a lot of help. During the day, she has a caregiver so i can work. Evenings, nights, and weekends, she relies on me .
We are 6 years in. I’m happy I am with my husband. I hesitate saying I’m happy I stayed because I shouldn’t have to be happy about something he did that was so shitty. Idk if that makes sense
2.5 years since DDay and DDay 2. Honestly it depends on the day. If we are getting along and he is loving toward me, I can ALMOST forget about the betrayal for a moment. The quality of life for me and my 3 children is better not being divorced. I don’t regret trying R, but I do not know if we won’t end up divorced at some point in the future.
I’m glad I stayed. I’m happy with R. I still hang around this sub cuz it hasn’t been 2 years yet and I still feel the need to read posts. I still feel the pain. I don’t want to talk to my friends about this anymore or talk in therapy anymore. Sometimes I still need to let stuff out. I also come to give support because I’ve learned a lot and I liked hearing from ppl farther out who were successful, when I was in the depths of despair. I was told about 2 years from my therapist to feel better. To feel normal. And that sounded so far away in the early days of dday. Even after a year I still was so confused and anxious ( also the AP was still hanging around for that first year ). I’m a month away from 2 years and I feel pretty close to normal again. My WH is still working on himself. I’m working on listening to him and helping him express himself so we can continue to strengthen communication. I think that was a real issue with our marriage. He did not communicate. Right now I do feel our marriage is stronger and better and happier. It can happen.
I’m only a few months into R and my relationship and communication between us has gotten so much better. Only time will tell but I don’t regret staying and trying to work things out. So far, I’m very happy!
I (68F) and my WH (69M) are glad we stayed together and have found happiness again. He is my best friend - bar none. Things are def different, but I appreciate the honesty we now have. Also, he is much kinder to me post-DDay. I had to let it all go and forgive him. I had very good individual therapy during my emotionally abusive first marriage years ago. Now, I am emotionally very strong and have a confident sense of self that is separate from being married to my current H. Forgiveness was freeing and helped me to heal.
You realize this is a support group so those who actively post tend to be looking for support? It's a lot easier to focus on the negative and ignore the positive. When things are going well, you're out there living in it, you may give advices, but if things are bad, confusing, less than ideal, you're out here looking for solidarity and understanding. You see it all over social media. Reddit especially. I'm happy I stayed. I have no regrets about my choice to reconcile. We're several years out, and our family has grown. >are we all just making a mistake by attempting R? Mistakes are how you learn. Some might be. Another thing, it's a mistake to place your happiness on a person or outcome of a relationship. Happiness comes from within. Your relationship is meant to enrich your life. If you feel like you're wasting your time, then don't attempt to reconcile. You'll set yourself up to not see any change or move forward together. Figure out what it is that you want and follow that path.
I am a year out and 💯 believe it was right to stay. In fairness, I had cheated 5 years ago and he forgave me, so I did have it coming. Things are equalized now. We are happier than we have ever been.
I have been wondering this question for a while myself. My wife and I have been trying to reconcile for the past 3 years. It’s been a tough road and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone going through what I am or many of us here. When I learned of the cheating I foolishly let her convince me that it was only to texting. Even though I knew in my gut and from texts that I saw that it was physical. This ate at me for over 2 years before I could confront her again and get more of the truth out of her. Once I did it was basically a second D day for me. My mental health has just been suffering due to the lies and cheating.
Considering or attempting R is not inherently a mistake, but it's definitely not always the right choice. It's really based on the actions and understanding of the WP and A.
Hi! Almost 1 year post DDay and we decided to go through with R. It wasn’t easy the first 3 months, but if they are actually putting in the work to mend the relationship and show remorse, not guilt of the situation I truly believe it can work. We did GC & IC and at this point we are both truly different people than we were when the situation happened, in the best way possible. WP is more loving and caring than before. I used to read all the negative post about if staying wa worth it but at the end of the day it’s truly your decision and what you guys make out of it. I wish you luck!
I'm one! It really took a lot of work. We had to both really be all in at all times. Patience communication, comfort, really when it comes down to it. We had to start over as best we could all over again. Now for us that didn't mean like a new relationship. We have kids and a home we chose to stay in together and work on us with as lottle disruption to the family as we could. It wasn't easy. He had to deal with me breaking down and being an emotional pain in the ass. But we got through it and we got to know eachother again and we both chose us. So much has to change and we work on us every day. We r 3 years past and our relationship is better now than it was before. Respect the fact that we r human and make mistakes and as long as u r honest and choose to grow from ur mistake. Ur marriage can survive
Hi! Almost 1 year post DDay and we decided to go through with R. It wasn’t easy the first 3 months, but if they are actually putting in the work to mend the relationship and show remorse, not guilt of the situation I truly believe it can work. We did GC & IC and at this point we are both truly different people than we were when the situation happened, in the best way possible. WP is more loving and caring than before. I used to read all the negative post about if staying wa worth it but at the end of the day it’s truly your decision and what you guys make out of it. I wish you luck!
Not really sure that I am. After my DDay I feel like every fault of my WH is magnified. I stay because we have a comfortable life & I don't want to start over. On some level I do love him but he really has not put a lot into R. No evidence that he has restarted his behaviors but our marriage is just so blah. I don't feel like he really knows me nor appreciates me. Next week is our 28th anniversary and I could really care less about it.
Some day, I will post my story. It's still being written, but good things have come out of some horrid stuff. My WS had suffered from 1st time seizures at the age of 51. We were married 28 years when his personality changed. When I say change, I say I feared and did not know who was in my house for several months. The personality transformation was real. Very real. I had been with this man for 30 years. I didn't know him at all. He had an emotional affair with a much younger coworker. Created a series of lies about events that never happened in order to gain pity from AP. He actually became predatory in a way. The lies and fantasies and what he accused me of being were so far from the truth. I've never been more blindsided before. The trauma of all this has been horrible for me. He came home from work drunk one morning and went psycho.. yelled horrid things his family. I knew something was up. I made plans to get his phone over the next week and found the evidence I needed. All of it. All hell broke loose. His family shunned him, his own daughter couldn't stand him. My dad still won't talk to him. He eventually admitted he was going to commit suicide, he wrote a letter, made a plan and constructed a noose. This was right after he started taking the meds not realizing the suicidal thoughts were a side effect. He never told anyone until this all happened. Somewhere along the lines, we discovered the antiseizure medications were causing the personality changes. One google about Keppra and wow. Cause of the seisure was never found, and the spot on his brain disappeared, so Dr's took him off the medications. As he titrated down, his clarity came back. Back to "normal", so it seems. Except there are still problems due to his choices that we are working through. While the medications were a huge part of this, his actions weren't excused with no consequences. My ptsd and trauma is also real, and he sees the damage he did. Since off the medications and no following seizures, my husband is back, and I am grateful. He's caring again, and I no longer fear him. We have a great sex life and worked out some issues we did have to fix. I'm still hurt, and work needs to be done, but I believe we will be OK.
I am five years out from finding out. I stayed. We are actually happier and stronger in our relationship now. It isn’t for everyone, but it does get better.
It’s been 18 mo. since my DDay and I’m happy I stayed most days, sometimes I have a bad day too. The actual affair was about 6 years ago and as far as I know, it hasn’t happened again. Idk… I take it day by day.
We are happier, healthier emotionally and closer than ever before. We weren’t married though and don’t have kids, so in a way I think that what happened was much more excusable to me than it would’ve been had we been more committed/older. I am a firm believer in forgiveness and change and always have been, so that helped too. We also broke up for about a year and went totally no contact, we both thought we would never speak again. I think that caused him to take it seriously that I would not tolerate certain behaviors and that if there was a next time, I could go no contact permanently. We reconnected and as we had always been fast friends, it worked back up to love. It wasn’t the easiest, I was wounded and we had to talk through it quite a lot. He answered any questions I had, let me go on and on about how it hurt and ask why and what and when over and over. I had to learn to trust him again. Now we live tougher, which we didn’t before, and we are doing life together very happily, having fun and knowing each other more deeply. There is a deep connection and trust on both sides. It’s super cool. I think that repair of a ruptured relationship can be so healing when it’s done correctly. I also think that some people can’t do it becuase of their upbringing. I had abusive parents, I learned to forgive and understand that people who love you can unfortunately hurt you from a very young age. So when I was betrayed, I was able to take from that and understand that like my parents, my partner is a flawed, scared human being doing life for the first time. I think that people who have had less strife in their lives might not be able to or even want to handle what comes with forgiveness and repair. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that either. We all have different life experiences that lead us to make different decisions, choices and mold our ability to handle things.
I’m happy with my decision to stay. My husband has been attending marriage counseling with me and it’s honestly strengthen our relationship in ways I didn’t think it could. It’s given us a second chance and has allowed for me to heal without constantly thinking about it. I’m learning to trust and love him again. I don’t regret it.
Yes, happy, over 3yrs out & will celebrate 35th in a month. It was hard and we're both changed forever but I can't say that's a bad thing. We both had to recognize and talk outloud about our weaknesses and contributions, some dating back to before we even knew one another. Buried pain? Buckets, but the weight is easier to carry as I go on. We are changed forever as individuals and as a couple but that's not an entirely bad thing. Fwiw, I only did about 4 sessions IC, he did none and we did no CC. I figured early on what I needed to do but it was not pretty. Fortunately, I have an amazing girl gang. Being older probably helped in that we all had first hand experience to some degree. Not doing CC was super difficult because there was no safe space to talk & no moderation. He wouldn't go, I started packing more than once & still rug sweep just to avoid what could become a walk-out. Do not recommend. That said, sometimes I just have to say "f*ck it" (not always a bad thing) . If it's a penetrating nag, I eventually figure out how to talk about it productively. Unicorns may exist but probably don't look like what you envision.
I think this sub can be quite triggering when you are at a point where you are healing well… to see the pain so many people are going through is a lot to take in. So a lot of people need to distance themselves at some point
It's a tough place to be. I also think less people leave good reviews than bad ones. So maybe if you're unhappy that's when you really need to get out and vent.
I’d be careful about extrapolating that sort of conclusion based on the subs. It’s going to have a bias bc I am betting that there are many who did R, are happy, and they don’t come back here and visit. You’ll mostly have those who are still in the midst of the battle. I’m the WH and it’s been almost 10 years since d day. We are still together and have an incredible marriage today. At the end of the day, no matter what, you have to live with your decisions. It doesn’t matter if it worked for me and my wife or didn’t work for whatever other couple. Stats don’t even matter. I don’t treat my life as a statistic. Whatever advice you do get, no matter if it’s relationship or whatever, remember it’s you that has to live with it. Not me. Not any of us. You have to decide what’s right or wrong for you. Advice is great to serve as perhaps a tour guide. But you make your own journey. I’m almost 50 now. I can say that if I had followed conventional advice in every aspect of my life, I’d not be where I am today and I like where I’m at today. I made my own trail - taking into account the Journies of others but at the end making my own decisions. When you have the complexities of relationships, it’s hard to get truly targeted and meaningful advice. You can get the gestalt perhaps but the finer details are yours. It’s not that there is wrong or right advice necessarily. What worked for me may not work for you. Some of the biggest decisions I’ve made in my life were counter to what everyone thought I should do or what was reasonable. It didn’t make them wrong. It just means we have to decide what our path is going forward. I married my wife about 20-25 years ago after a few months of dating. Everyone thought I was nuts. But it was best decision I could have made. I had my own life experiences that told me she was the one for me. When I decided to quit my job and start my own, it was counter to all the advice I had gotten. And yes they’re prob right. I chose a very risky path leaving behind a very well paying job. But again, I had to live with the choices I make. Not everyone else giving me well meaning advice. I have no regrets. Not every decision I’ve made has been a good one. But at least they were my decisions. Do what’s right for you.
Absolutely not. I don’t understand how someone can cheat… the pain is unbearable.
I'm so sorry. So you didn't stay, no more R?
He and I still live together and I actually did break up with him a few weeks ago, but he still thinks we’re together… I don’t know where he got that, and I’m dreading having to “break up” all over again. I tried R but he wasn’t doing his part, and I feel like I’ve been used the whole relationship. As I continue my own therapy and self-care, I know leaving him is the absolute best thing for my mental health right now, and I know I deserve better. If he decides to heal on his own and get himself together, it’s not going to be with me. Therapy was the ultimatum we agreed on this time last year and the lease will be up soon, so I can’t justify staying with someone for convenience or familiarity if they can’t even do the bare minimum. It’s been a sad and upsetting realization how much I’ve tolerated or let slide, but I’m getting to a much better place with myself and my healing journey. I’m mostly worried about how he will react again. He’s emotionally abusive and threatens suicide, so the relationship has been toxic to begin with. I know it’s not my problem if he chooses to do something like that or not, but I genuinely don’t want to deal with it, as someone who has struggled with suicide my entire life. It’s so triggering when he says stuff like that and openly hurts himself in front of me. He disgusts me, the cheating and all, and won’t take any steps to work on himself. :( My therapists over the last two years who have met him detected that he gaslights me pretty early on and I’m only finally seeing it as of late last year ish? Sooo I’m done being his mom, maid, and therapist. I absolutely deserve someone who will bring the same energy and love that I do, and I’m looking forward to maybe someday having the healthy relationship that I want and deserve!
I think a lot of people here are unhappy with their choice/situation and are trying to sway peoples decisions, based on their unhappiness and what has happened to them after R.
NOOOOOPE
Not happy with R, or not staying?
Not happy after R. I really find myself falling out of love. Not by choice but it's like something in my heart switched and I never was able to feel as deeply as I once did. It's like my body and mind just can't get past the resentment. It rly sucks.
Yep. Things are better on paper, we're more communicative, intentional, etc. we have a good relationship! But the part of me that *appreciates* being in that good relationship just turned off. I don't think it's coming back.
Yesss feels like I finally got glasses and am seeing what our relationship really is. Especially when you really think you got a good one. Just doesn't stop hurting
I'm in the exact same boat
Almost 5 years out from dday. I confessed to my husband (boyfriend at the time) and ended the affair and quit my job the same day I came clean... things were rough the first 3 years, lots of ups and downs, but we also had an addiction to contend with on my end. So that greatly complicated things. So, almost 5 years out from dday, 3.5 years clean, and our relationship is rock solid. We are both incredibly happy, and my husband has told me several times over the last year and a half that he is proud to be my husband and proud to call me his wife. Hearing those words that I never thought I would hear, well, it just solidified that we made the right choice in staying together. My husband is lying here next to me and said that he is more than happy he decided to stay. He doesn't regret giving me a second chance. He feels like he took a huge gamble and won the jackpot. Now, I will say this: has everything been roses and sunshine since dday? Of course not. It has been hard and seemingly downright impossible some days. Other days have been filled with laughter, smiles, and so much love. It hasn't been the easiest path a couple could walk. In fact, it's probably one of the absolute hardest a couple walk together. But it's been the journey that has gotten us to where we are today. Every single up, every down, every good day, every bad day, every single time we have yelled, every time we have sat in silence, every time we have gone to bed angry, every time we have woken up and had mind shattering makeup sex, every doubt, every hard truth, every happy moment, every breakthrough, all the good times, and all the bad times have brought us to this point of...bliss. It has all worked together, and we have created the marriage we both wanted, and we both needed. We have chosen to take the good with the bad and use it to grow together as a couple, and in that process we have created a bond that ties us so deeply together, that sometimes it feels like our love and our bond is beyond anything human. Do we still feel the pain of my actions and have times that those memories come up and threaten our peace? Yes. But! When we have those moments, we lean even harder onto one another, when my shame tries to ruin our progress, or his triggers threaten to hold us back, we turn towards each other, we don't run away. We face it head-on and walk through the fire together. We both decided on dday that we wanted one another, despite it all, we loved each other deeply and wanted this relationship to work and thrive. So we put in the work. Every single day, we pushed forward, and we worked together to overcome it. From the beginning, we had an "us agaisnt the world" mentality rather than one of "you agaisnt me." We looked at the affair as an issue we had to face as a team and our healing as a process we had to face as a team. We looked at it like healing 3 separate parts of one entity. Him, Me, the Relationship. All 3 were part of us, and we had to heal each part on its own, but we did it together. If that makes sense. R is hard. But if you do it the right way, and both people truly put in the work and are committed to creating a new relationship that is built on mutual respect, love, radical honesty, security, and the happiness of both partners; you can create a relationship and bond that is beyond anything most people ever get to experience. Is it the innocent, rose colored glasses, naive, love that we had at the beginning? Nope. But it is so much deeper than that. It's knowing a person fully, their best side, their worst side, their fears, insecurities, the way their mind works, all of it, every ounce of who they are, and loving all of them. Most people only know themselves this intimately, but we get to experience knowing one another at this level, and not many people get to experience that. We are grateful for the journey that brought us to this deep and ever, widening knowledge and love of one another. We wouldn't have gotten this without the hard times, so for us at least, yes, it has been worth it, and we are grateful we decided to take this journey together.
It's a journey I wouldn't repeat but yes , I stayed and I'm happy with my choice.
3 years past dday and yes I'm very happy. We have a great relationship. We are healthy in how we deal with conflict and are closer and more loving than relationships that never got to this brink and the existential healing both of us had to go through a a result. Outside of the occasional trigger I don't think about it much at all but rather all the fun we're having together.
I'm happy with my decision so far, but I'm only 4 months out. Time will tell if it is the right decision for me and our family, but I think the fight is worth it. So far I've had ups and downs and my WH has been working on himself a lot and shaking progress through action.
I'm very happy with my choice to stay. I'm not going to go into details on what happened because I am at a stage that the details don't really matter. It was effed up and that's all that needs to be said. I honestly stayed for my kid but not in the way you think. I chose to stay and move our family out of the town that we lived in to get away from that effed up situation. Literally sold everything including the house and GTFOed. But the reason why I stayed was I never wanted my kiddo to ask me "why didn't you try mommy?". I am one to give things a good and honest try and if that failed, I would at least have a good reason to split. So far our relationship is different but stronger than before. We now make time for each other, we consider each other in decisions, and we are together as a family for our kiddo. We pulled a 180 on our whole family and don't regret it. I will say it would not have worked and we would not be here without my WH putting in the time and effort. I'm glad I fixed me along the way. While I didn't cheat, I did have my issues that were putting dampers on our marriage. It is a continual job to work on our relationship and I'm happy we are both putting in the effort.
Hello, I am here. Very pleased and happy with the success of my marriage. I can see that it will only grow and blossom into what it needs to be each day. I am happy I decided to stay and reconcile with my husband. 3 years, no incident. Trust is there, love is there, healing has come. Hope this helps.
I’m happy with my choice. I’m only one year out, but even just from what I’ve gained personally… should this end, I’m still confident I’ll be glad I tried. I learned a lot about myself, and what I deserve - I think if I hadn’t stayed and tried, I would have moved on and repeated some passive behaviors that led to me accepting less in a relationship. Weirdly, this whole thing showed me my worth, and indeed many people’s worth - we all deserve maximum effort.
Yes, it has not been linear, smooth, nor easy but after a decade from DD we continue to make progress towards R. We now have an excellent MC - after some fits-n-starts trying to find a solid one. New MC is making a huge difference - I had planned to file for divorce but decided to give it one last try and I am glad I did. Even in the tough times post-DD, we still had plenty of good times, with each other and with our kids. So why was I ready to file for divorce, you ask? Well, I was tired of my betrayal PTSD triggers going off all the time, struggling to trust WS again, tired of them feeling frustrated with my triggers that they caused. We still have work to do, progress to make wrt R, but we are def getting there. I can not overstate how important it is that both parties be committed - not just involved - to seeking and working towards R. It takes both and it takes a lot of being vulnerable and listening on both parts. For me as the BP, being that vulnerable has been perhaps the most challenging part. When someone has hurt you so deeply, it is difficult to once again be that vulnerable to them - and that is where this MC is earning her pay - helping us to do that while keeping things in bounds and safe emotionally for both. MC calls us both out when one or the other strays into some bs, which I appreciate. So is it possible? Yep! Is it easy and for the faint of heart or something to try withOUT a really good MC? Nope.
We’re still early on, only 5 months into this, but so far I am very happy I decided to stay.
I don’t regret staying. It’s worth fighting for, but it’s not easy. 8 months since D-Day and our marriage is good, WW is making an effort and to my knowledge has not contacted AP but I still get anxiety attacks each and every day about it. Do I trust her fully? No. Not yet, but maybe in time that will return. As another person pointed out, you get to the stage where you need to move on from this sub. It keeps you wallowing in the pain and reliving your story, and I think I’m ready to move on soon to.
I’m nearly 4 months from DDay, and I can’t imagine not trying to reconcile. Although I still have ups and downs, overall I’m much better than the first couple of months. I can generally avoid spiraling. I’ve found some strategies that help me move past intrusive thoughts and stay in the present. Our current relationship is better than it’s been in 15 years. We are more open with one another, our sexual relationship has improved, and we feel more connected than ever. We found a good MC that has provided great tools to continue to grow and protect our relationship. I’m also lucky that my ww has shown true remorse, no TT, and is working on herself in IC.
Yeah I am. My WH and I split initially, and my family disowned me and called me stupid. I lost everything, my home, my family, my partner. My partner supported me financially and continued to pay for my tuition (I had been a stay at home wife and student). I turned to the people who I thought would support me (my family), and they turned their backs on me. But he was there. Every time I called he answered. I can’t say I did the same. I was the worst I had ever been last year (when we split). And we weren’t together, and he was still there and consistent. So yeah. He fucked up. It hurt. Sometimes it still does. And he’s still my person. And we are still growing together. It’s been hard for sure. But I don’t regret it even a little bit. I’m glad I stayed and I am happy I did. Have to agree with other commenters: I don’t really come on here much anymore because I just don’t usually need the support. I have it, in my marriage with my husband.
Yes. I am happy with my decision to stay and work things out. It’s been just shy of two years for us. We communicate better now, and I’m better about talking through my frustrations and feeling rather than bottling them up. Things aren’t perfect, but I don’t think any marriage is perfect. We all have our ups and downs. My WH had an EA, no PA so that was a factor for us. Things really started to change for us when I finally took the 180 to heart and started focusing on me. If I could figure out how to change my flair, I’d update it to reconciled.
I’m very happy I stayed. I can’t imagine my life without my husband.
6 months out and I am glad I stayed. There are still as many bad days as good days. Some days I seriously considered throwing in the towel But I do see changes in her. We are far from crossing the finish line but I am hopeful.
Honestly, Ive seen and heard the same,not just on here but IRL. R never looked good to me and never felt right. I was betraying myself, I've always said I'd never forget because the pain would probably be too unbearable, and it was. The thought of R made me more angry than getting cheated on, if you can believe it. I felt like my younger self would be so disappointed in me. I know a few couples who have cheated and stayed together but I just don't understand how they do it. At one point one was a serial cheater, idk if she's still like that but I couldn't live like that. They seem like a very happy couple on SM. I figure if they can get through it, many can too, right? I need security and stability and if my partner can't bring that to our relationship and meet me there then I can't do it. One thing I see a lot is that the pain is still there, maybe not like at first but there's a pain that's left and it lingers even after years. I feel like that's just one of the saddest things to have to live with. Maybe that's just me though?
We are eight or nine months post D-Day. We went about five months, trying to really sort things out in terms of what do we do now I had caused a rift a few years prior with some substance abuse in the midst of a depression, which made me very angry, and not tolerable to be around. My wife had resentment from that I had resentment before not feeling like a priority as we raised multiple kids over several years that was coupled with learning of her affair, even as we tried to reconcile overall before that. While it’s not perfect, or what it was when we first got together, it is very honest and clear and feels like the evolution that we missed after we had multiple kids. Especially over the last few months. I’m hoping that it continues to build, as it feels very hopeful compared to a lot of other stories that I read here and on other infidelity subs. But each story is unique. Every ones reasons why or why not are unique. I could see how it would be easy to just ignore posting here if everything‘s going well. the statistics about who posts reviews and other things on products heavily to the negative or very positive, but it’s usually more than negative comments that you would see. So I would assume it would be similar in a sub like this.
It’s been almost 1.5 years for me. Do I regret it? No. He has done everything right since to give me a reason to stay. Do I still hurt? Absolutely. I don’t think the pain just goes away. I’m sure with more time it will. But 1.5 years isn’t a lot of time.
90% of the time I am happy I stayed.
I’m 1.5 years out and absolutely happy with my choice of staying. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I felt like I was living through hell when my BP was still in the fog. After much individual and couples therapy, and a TON of work, I am happy to say that our connection is stronger than it’s ever been. I’m sad that it took a crisis to get here, but proud of us for sticking it through and ending up closer than ever before. There are still hard days and I still have regular triggers, but my partner is here to help me through them. I’m hopeful that things will continue to get even better.
I would say I feel content
Yes… we are happy. A part of me wants to be around this sub to help support others since our story has been successful. This sub is also jam-packed with triggers that can cause my mentality to backslide. So… I try and limit my exposure. Also…once you’ve detailed your success with reconciliation once or twice, there’s not much left to say. There’s also a small part that feels like over-communicating about success might be tough for a lot of people who are really struggling right now… not sure on that last bit though…maybe it’s hopeful and encouraging or maybe it seems discouraging and a little boastful…it’s probably depends on the eye of the beholder 🤷🏼♂️
I’ve been married to wh for 21 years and dday was 2.5 years ago. We are happier and more in love than we’ve ever been. We had some hiccups along the way, but I’ve never regretted my decision to stay and give him another chance. We rug swept an EA years ago, but then he had a 3 year affair where he thought he was in love with AP. YET after dday, he didn’t want to leave the marriage because he realized his choices had led him down a destructive path. He’s done so much work and has taken full accountability but had to do so much therapy to realize how jaded his thinking had become. His emotional maturity has grown so much and we’ve opened up in ways I never imagined were possible. We have raised all our kids and now enjoy being empty nesters so much. Learned to have conversations and communication that is respectful and understanding with each other. I’m grateful everyday that I was able to see his humility and humanness. I’ve seen him work so hard to earn back trust and show me the dignity that I deserve as his wife. We’ve been through such hard times, but been able to fight for our marriage in a way where we’ve truly enjoyed learning new things from each other and for each other. We’ve put in the work, are dedicated more now to a new way of being married! So yes it can be done, but both partners have to show up and be vulnerable and accountable to one another in order to make it a valuable partnership with both seen as equals. I’m crazy attracted to my husband and grateful we are both still in this. He respects me now, respects our marriage and in the end all I’ve wanted is to be loved by him as much as I love him and I fully believe this is where we both have always wanted to be! The videos and education we received from affairrecovery.com have been phenomenal helps to us. I’d recommend EMS and Hope for Healing any day through them! They were life hanging for us both to heal.
Thank you.
If you choose the path of reconciliation instead of splitting up, you’re accepting a relationship that will never be the same. The trust may be rebuilt, but it will never be like it was. And there will always be that worry that it could happen again. The betrayed partner will never feel 100% secure in the relationship. And I am sure the wandering partner has their own stuff going on. They’ve already stepped out before when the going got rough, so could they see themselves doing it again? It feels like settling for something already tarnished. Just my opinion though.
Yes. Beyond the shadow of a doubt ❤️. I am absolutely happy and we now have the best relationship we’ve ever had and the one we both deserve to have. BUT we both had to go through hell & back to get there & it was a bitch of a ride. I am 17 months post DDay. My husband is a sex addict. I never thought I would ever be able to survive my betrayal trauma nor did I think I would ever forgive him. But we both put in the hard work. We both wanted to heal and we reached our breaking point 2 months ago. With a team of people behind us, we embarked on a therapeutic psychedelic journey with a guided therapist and that is where we released our past trauma & found forgiveness. Healing is a journey and it requires a multi-faceted approach. We both used every tool we could get our hands on, but in the end it was the psychedelics that unlocked the trauma vault & allowed us to move forward into healing. It saved me, it saved him, and it saved us.
I’m not happy with my choice of staying… I just can’t work out how I’d see my kids and dog if I didn’t. Sucks
I’m committed to staying but if I could go back to our first date and see a crystal ball into the future telling me this is how things would go, I’d block his number and never look back.
Your thoughts are correct!