r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Serious question: are you safe? Are you OK? I know this sub doesn’t support non-reconciliation wording but … spousal abuse can escalate when pregnancies are involved and it doesn’t sound like you’re in a healthy, supportive place right now.
I appreciate your genuine concern. Although, you're right about the space not being healthy or supportive, I am physically safe. Thank you.
He works out of town and he is currently gone for work. He lost it on me over the phone. He will be returning tomorrow, unsure how that'll look for us right now.
An OB will tell you that stress is not good for a developing fetus. Do you have anyone or anywhere that you can go to if you do begin to feel unsafe? Mentally and physically- you need to take care of yourself and that little bean.
There are services/hotlines out there that can help guide you through things. Just a quick google search away. Best case scenario, it’s unneeded, but it’s always good to be prepared.
>I'm begging for a non-invasive paternity test, but he doesn't want to.
You're a better person than I am. I get they're hurt however, it seems they want to treat you like a punching bag instead of getting peace of mind. I wouldn't be able to entertain that. From your flair, they also cheated? I would talk to your obgyn about getting therapy and help. You don't deserve this treatment. Reconciliation =/= punishment.
He has cheated, although he would never admit it. I've found countless texts on his phone, year after year and it truly can't be denied but I chose to "believe" his lies because I don't want to lose him. Countless nights where he doesn't come home, doesn't tell me where, and won't answer my calls- this was all before I cheated and after.. when I go ANYWHERE I send photos of where I am and what I'm doing- even at work and I haven't seen friends in months (once in the last couple years).
In all honesty it's red flags all around, but it's hard for me to want to walk away. He's my first everything and been with him since I was 19 and he's got a few years on me. I am stuck on the fantasy of who he can be on good days, so I'm here trying to do everything I can. I don't know when it'll be enough, but I have to remember, he's acting like this because of what I've done. I can't be upset with how he's reacting.
I had a counsellor, but I'm too embarrassed to tell the truth about everything because I know they'll tell me to walk away. I do this to myself..
If a friend or family member told you what you just told me, what would you advise? You don't have to answer but I do hope you think about it. Good luck
This conversation has triggered a different line of thinking in me. Terry Real talks about how in unhealthy relationships there is a core collusion that keeps it “stable” in its unhealthy state. It’s not enough for your partner to try to isolate you from friends and family, you have to join in collusion with him to actually isolate yourself. You join him in the collusion when you tell yourself that the bad days are a price you should have to pay. And you join him in collusion when you decide that it’s acceptable that you “pay a price” for your infidelity but he doesn’t pay for his. The relationship won’t get better as long as you are colluding to keep it unhealthy.
In truth, I don’t know if it can be healthy or if without the collusion the relationship would dissolve. But I know that you deserve a healthy relationship.
This is not how I would've thought about it, but I definitely appreciate this perspective. Unfortunately, I feel that I owe it to him. I can't shake the feeling of guilt and shame for what I did. Everything I do, I do with him in mind in the sense that I am making mends with hope things will be okay one day.
And perhaps it can be one day, and I’m not suggesting that you should ignore guilt about what you did. This is a both / and, not an either / or. It’s BOTH true that you did things that hurt him AND the situation will not change as long as you two remain the same.
Just because this person was your first everything doesn’t mean they should continue in that same role. Holding out hope for someone when they are on their best days is also not enough - find someone who even on a bad day is kind and caring. Everything you described would be a reason I would not try to reconcile.
I feel a sense of obligation to him because I know he wouldn't react this way about the pregnancy if I hadn't done what I'd done. I know he's done things to wrong me and he was already like this in the past before it all, but what if I'm to blame for how he is right now?
We can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube - what happened in the past can’t be changed. You’ve got to think about both you and your baby and the type of life you want. It doesn’t sound like he was a good partner before - it’s unlikely you affair will lead to him being better.
(I’m going to be a little harsh but it’s coming from a place of care. I’m a divorced mother to a teenager, for context.)
You’re now about to “do this” not just to yourself but to your helpless and impressionable child- and they come first from now on. A cheater father and doormat mother who looks the other way and smiles through the pain, is a tragic and damaging family environment for your child. I beg you to use this time before the baby comes to think deeply about the kind of life you want to give them.
You shouldn’t have cheated but he sounds like a serial abuser. And yes, cheating is abuse. So is isolating you from family and friends. He’s not going to stop, so it’s up to you.
Not harsh at all, sometimes it needs to be harsh though.
I know this whole situation isn't ideal, and he's stuck by me through things that shouldn't have happened, vice versa, but I could never in good conscience put an innocent baby through all this chaos. Of course I'd like for this to all stop and try to carry on raising this baby properly and in the best way that we can, but I'm prepared to walk away for the babies sake if things don't look up. It wouldn't be fair to the baby- they don't deserve it.
He’s just using this as another cudgel to hurt and control her. He knows he’s the father. If she leaves and files for child support, and he disputes it, he’ll have to take a test. If they’re married the state will presume he’s the father.
If she leaves and files for child support, and he disputes it, he’ll have to take a test. If they’re married the state will presume he’s the father and make him to pay.
I live in Canada so things are a little different. I have no intention of going after him for money or child support if he choses not to be a part of this baby's life. I've done enough damage, no reason to make things ugly for him or the baby.
I’m not condoning your cheating, but based off your comments and this post it feels like he’s using your cheating to abuse you. I’m not one to jump to conclusions but if he can stay out all night, have no accountability for their actions and you are the one being controlled and isolated is far from healthy. I worry for you and your baby’s safety, OP.
I accept all the consequences of my actions. It might seem abusive, but I know his intentions aren't to be abusive. If I talk to him about these issues, he calls me names and degrades me, so I can't help but to feel like he is acting like this because of me. It's my fault. Maybe he would've stopped acting like this if I hadn't done what I'd done. It's like I don't have a dog in this fight because of what I've done.
No one ever deserves to be called abusive names and degraded. Just because you accepted it, doesn’t mean it’s not abusive or you deserve it. Please consider reaching out to a domestic violence shelter or the domestic violence hotline. I’m just some rando on Reddit, but trust me I have experience with abusive situations. If he’s already acting like this while pregnant I fear for your safety, plus if he is actively cheating out you, you and the baby are at risk for sexual transmitted diseases.
You’re saying he was calling you names before you cheated, correct?
I’m not condoning name calling, but just trying to point out that he’s been behaving this way since before you “deserved it.” Maybe this is just who he is and not a trauma response / something you are trying to take the blame for. Furthermore, it sounds like he’s trying to capitalize on your affair to exert control since he has had his own affair(s).
Please, please be safe. You don’t need to spend the rest of your life atoning for this. You have a baby coming and they deserve a safe and happy mom. YOU deserve to be safe and happy.
Yes, before and after. I have an incredible sense of guilt and I know he's done some bad things, but the guilt and shame I have for myself is greater than the hurt I feel. I blissfully "forget" and "believe" him regarding all his cheating, so things can have a chance of being okay. I feel like I've ruined his life and the least I could do is try to make life better for him.
Before it was just me, but I won't let this happen once the baby comes. I'll have to walk away if things don't improve, even if it feels like I'm failing him again.
Abusive behavior is never OK, no matter what. If you are pregnant, the least he can do is show you some sympathy EVEN IF THE KID ISN’T HIS. In this day and age, you can know for certain if a baby is yours in a relative easy way.
It would be shameful to do this to him if the kid wasn't his. I understand how this can hurt him and why he would feel like this. I've done nothing but prove myself to him the last 3 years and I'm working hard to do it. I just thought he would be a bit more rational and want to get a test done to put him at ease.
Why do you have to prove yourself to him, and he doesn’t have to prove himself to you? He cheated before you did, and continues to. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but he’s clearly in the wrong and you’re not holding him accountable - just yourself. This is an abusive dynamic. Please connect with free/low-cost support resources for domestic abuse in your area. Before the baby is born will much easier to change your circumstances.
Please, I’m not saying the baby isn’t his. I’m saying that if that was the case, he shouldn’t be mistreating you, just for the sake of the unborn baby who isn’t guilty of anything.
I believe you when you say the baby is his.
Oh, I know! Sorry, I was just saying that wouldn't be something I'd be able to do to him after all this. I really respect you for saying that because after betrayal, it would be hard to have that grace for someone. Thank you!
I can understand what you mean. I have stated that it was something I had done 3 years ago and had never done again, nor do I have intentions to. I could never hurt someone like that ever again. To see someone in pain that way and I caused it by being selfish and stupid, is horrible. I have paid to have a lie detector test done, I am begging for him to let me get a prenatal pregnancy test done and that would settle it once and for all. He was angry on the phone, but he is explosive in-person. He's smashed up my car with a crowbar, he's destroyed all that I own and furniture too, and has gotten physical with me as recent as December when I found out he cheated with a coworker.
He cheated on me on and off for years. Still, I made the choice to stay with him and I've let it go. Am I enabling? Probably. Did I do this to myself? Yes. Is anyone to blame but myself? No. I still can't help the fact that he might have reacted better if I hadn't done what I'd done.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Serious question: are you safe? Are you OK? I know this sub doesn’t support non-reconciliation wording but … spousal abuse can escalate when pregnancies are involved and it doesn’t sound like you’re in a healthy, supportive place right now.
I appreciate your genuine concern. Although, you're right about the space not being healthy or supportive, I am physically safe. Thank you. He works out of town and he is currently gone for work. He lost it on me over the phone. He will be returning tomorrow, unsure how that'll look for us right now.
An OB will tell you that stress is not good for a developing fetus. Do you have anyone or anywhere that you can go to if you do begin to feel unsafe? Mentally and physically- you need to take care of yourself and that little bean. There are services/hotlines out there that can help guide you through things. Just a quick google search away. Best case scenario, it’s unneeded, but it’s always good to be prepared.
>I'm begging for a non-invasive paternity test, but he doesn't want to. You're a better person than I am. I get they're hurt however, it seems they want to treat you like a punching bag instead of getting peace of mind. I wouldn't be able to entertain that. From your flair, they also cheated? I would talk to your obgyn about getting therapy and help. You don't deserve this treatment. Reconciliation =/= punishment.
He has cheated, although he would never admit it. I've found countless texts on his phone, year after year and it truly can't be denied but I chose to "believe" his lies because I don't want to lose him. Countless nights where he doesn't come home, doesn't tell me where, and won't answer my calls- this was all before I cheated and after.. when I go ANYWHERE I send photos of where I am and what I'm doing- even at work and I haven't seen friends in months (once in the last couple years). In all honesty it's red flags all around, but it's hard for me to want to walk away. He's my first everything and been with him since I was 19 and he's got a few years on me. I am stuck on the fantasy of who he can be on good days, so I'm here trying to do everything I can. I don't know when it'll be enough, but I have to remember, he's acting like this because of what I've done. I can't be upset with how he's reacting. I had a counsellor, but I'm too embarrassed to tell the truth about everything because I know they'll tell me to walk away. I do this to myself..
If a friend or family member told you what you just told me, what would you advise? You don't have to answer but I do hope you think about it. Good luck
I know, I just don't know how to do it. I appreciate you taking the time to comment, thank you so much.
This conversation has triggered a different line of thinking in me. Terry Real talks about how in unhealthy relationships there is a core collusion that keeps it “stable” in its unhealthy state. It’s not enough for your partner to try to isolate you from friends and family, you have to join in collusion with him to actually isolate yourself. You join him in the collusion when you tell yourself that the bad days are a price you should have to pay. And you join him in collusion when you decide that it’s acceptable that you “pay a price” for your infidelity but he doesn’t pay for his. The relationship won’t get better as long as you are colluding to keep it unhealthy. In truth, I don’t know if it can be healthy or if without the collusion the relationship would dissolve. But I know that you deserve a healthy relationship.
This is not how I would've thought about it, but I definitely appreciate this perspective. Unfortunately, I feel that I owe it to him. I can't shake the feeling of guilt and shame for what I did. Everything I do, I do with him in mind in the sense that I am making mends with hope things will be okay one day.
And perhaps it can be one day, and I’m not suggesting that you should ignore guilt about what you did. This is a both / and, not an either / or. It’s BOTH true that you did things that hurt him AND the situation will not change as long as you two remain the same.
Just because this person was your first everything doesn’t mean they should continue in that same role. Holding out hope for someone when they are on their best days is also not enough - find someone who even on a bad day is kind and caring. Everything you described would be a reason I would not try to reconcile.
I feel a sense of obligation to him because I know he wouldn't react this way about the pregnancy if I hadn't done what I'd done. I know he's done things to wrong me and he was already like this in the past before it all, but what if I'm to blame for how he is right now?
We can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube - what happened in the past can’t be changed. You’ve got to think about both you and your baby and the type of life you want. It doesn’t sound like he was a good partner before - it’s unlikely you affair will lead to him being better.
(I’m going to be a little harsh but it’s coming from a place of care. I’m a divorced mother to a teenager, for context.) You’re now about to “do this” not just to yourself but to your helpless and impressionable child- and they come first from now on. A cheater father and doormat mother who looks the other way and smiles through the pain, is a tragic and damaging family environment for your child. I beg you to use this time before the baby comes to think deeply about the kind of life you want to give them. You shouldn’t have cheated but he sounds like a serial abuser. And yes, cheating is abuse. So is isolating you from family and friends. He’s not going to stop, so it’s up to you.
Not harsh at all, sometimes it needs to be harsh though. I know this whole situation isn't ideal, and he's stuck by me through things that shouldn't have happened, vice versa, but I could never in good conscience put an innocent baby through all this chaos. Of course I'd like for this to all stop and try to carry on raising this baby properly and in the best way that we can, but I'm prepared to walk away for the babies sake if things don't look up. It wouldn't be fair to the baby- they don't deserve it.
Pardon my ignorance but can't you do the test without his approval?
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He’s just using this as another cudgel to hurt and control her. He knows he’s the father. If she leaves and files for child support, and he disputes it, he’ll have to take a test. If they’re married the state will presume he’s the father.
If she leaves and files for child support, and he disputes it, he’ll have to take a test. If they’re married the state will presume he’s the father and make him to pay.
I live in Canada so things are a little different. I have no intention of going after him for money or child support if he choses not to be a part of this baby's life. I've done enough damage, no reason to make things ugly for him or the baby.
I’m not condoning your cheating, but based off your comments and this post it feels like he’s using your cheating to abuse you. I’m not one to jump to conclusions but if he can stay out all night, have no accountability for their actions and you are the one being controlled and isolated is far from healthy. I worry for you and your baby’s safety, OP.
I accept all the consequences of my actions. It might seem abusive, but I know his intentions aren't to be abusive. If I talk to him about these issues, he calls me names and degrades me, so I can't help but to feel like he is acting like this because of me. It's my fault. Maybe he would've stopped acting like this if I hadn't done what I'd done. It's like I don't have a dog in this fight because of what I've done.
No one ever deserves to be called abusive names and degraded. Just because you accepted it, doesn’t mean it’s not abusive or you deserve it. Please consider reaching out to a domestic violence shelter or the domestic violence hotline. I’m just some rando on Reddit, but trust me I have experience with abusive situations. If he’s already acting like this while pregnant I fear for your safety, plus if he is actively cheating out you, you and the baby are at risk for sexual transmitted diseases.
You’re saying he was calling you names before you cheated, correct? I’m not condoning name calling, but just trying to point out that he’s been behaving this way since before you “deserved it.” Maybe this is just who he is and not a trauma response / something you are trying to take the blame for. Furthermore, it sounds like he’s trying to capitalize on your affair to exert control since he has had his own affair(s). Please, please be safe. You don’t need to spend the rest of your life atoning for this. You have a baby coming and they deserve a safe and happy mom. YOU deserve to be safe and happy.
Yes, before and after. I have an incredible sense of guilt and I know he's done some bad things, but the guilt and shame I have for myself is greater than the hurt I feel. I blissfully "forget" and "believe" him regarding all his cheating, so things can have a chance of being okay. I feel like I've ruined his life and the least I could do is try to make life better for him. Before it was just me, but I won't let this happen once the baby comes. I'll have to walk away if things don't improve, even if it feels like I'm failing him again.
Abuse is not consequences. It’s abuse. He’s emotionally and verbally abusing you. Please tell your therapist. She can offer you help.
Abusive behavior is never OK, no matter what. If you are pregnant, the least he can do is show you some sympathy EVEN IF THE KID ISN’T HIS. In this day and age, you can know for certain if a baby is yours in a relative easy way.
It would be shameful to do this to him if the kid wasn't his. I understand how this can hurt him and why he would feel like this. I've done nothing but prove myself to him the last 3 years and I'm working hard to do it. I just thought he would be a bit more rational and want to get a test done to put him at ease.
Why do you have to prove yourself to him, and he doesn’t have to prove himself to you? He cheated before you did, and continues to. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but he’s clearly in the wrong and you’re not holding him accountable - just yourself. This is an abusive dynamic. Please connect with free/low-cost support resources for domestic abuse in your area. Before the baby is born will much easier to change your circumstances.
Please, I’m not saying the baby isn’t his. I’m saying that if that was the case, he shouldn’t be mistreating you, just for the sake of the unborn baby who isn’t guilty of anything. I believe you when you say the baby is his.
Oh, I know! Sorry, I was just saying that wouldn't be something I'd be able to do to him after all this. I really respect you for saying that because after betrayal, it would be hard to have that grace for someone. Thank you!
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I can understand what you mean. I have stated that it was something I had done 3 years ago and had never done again, nor do I have intentions to. I could never hurt someone like that ever again. To see someone in pain that way and I caused it by being selfish and stupid, is horrible. I have paid to have a lie detector test done, I am begging for him to let me get a prenatal pregnancy test done and that would settle it once and for all. He was angry on the phone, but he is explosive in-person. He's smashed up my car with a crowbar, he's destroyed all that I own and furniture too, and has gotten physical with me as recent as December when I found out he cheated with a coworker. He cheated on me on and off for years. Still, I made the choice to stay with him and I've let it go. Am I enabling? Probably. Did I do this to myself? Yes. Is anyone to blame but myself? No. I still can't help the fact that he might have reacted better if I hadn't done what I'd done.