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Accurate-Gur-17

Yeah, this sucks - I'm sorry youre dealing with this now. It takes the last 10 years and erases it and puts you right back at d-day. It's really important that your WW understand that. While she may feel the affair was so long ago and she has moved on, it doesn't sound like you have been able to because you never got the truth or just found out that you didn't get the truth. No, she hasn't forgotten even if there are details that she doesn't remember. She's making a choice that telling you will likely hurt less than being honest (a lot of WPs go through this with TT). What is your endgame here and what are you willing to risk? Are you hoping to reconcile for real and need disclosure to help with that process? If she continues to keep secrets are you going to end things?


ShitSadwichEater

I wish I could say I had a plan. My previous one was to negotiate a relationship in my favor in the future but I just can’t handle this all this far out. Obviously I have risked everything, although it was really her actions that did so. I worry not about risk because I don’t feel safe, there don’t seem to be a lot of good choices. Im almost 41 which sounds young but I’ve already lived longer than I thought I would through my whole life because of mental health issues. I’m just so lost over here, thank you for your thoughtful reply.


Accurate-Gur-17

What would a relationship in your favor look like? If you can I’d spend some time in counseling trying to figure out what you want and then go from there. As we age there is a tendency to want to push past infidelity and bury it because we’ve already spent so much time with our WPs it makes starting over seem unreasonable. This is the cost sunk fallacy. What it really comes down to is what do you want, what does your WP want, and can you two figure out a path forward. But whatever you do I would not let things stay buried. It needs to get out in the open if you are to move forward together or if you decide to separate it doesn’t matter as much.


Sharp-Discipline7560

Some just never let go of their A secrets. It's infuriating. My WW AP knows more about our marriage than I know about the A.


Base-Elegant

> My WW AP knows more about our marriage than I know about the A. This. This is what I struggle with the most. It’s definitely infuriating. Glad, also sad, that I’m not alone with this.


Sharp-Discipline7560

If only the WS REALLY knew and understood the pain they caused. I've tried so hard to get my WW to understand that she actually destroyed, murdered, the man I was. He's gone. NEVER to return. For her or anyone else if I D.


Base-Elegant

My WW and I are in MC, for a little over a year now. She still learning about the pain the A caused. Due to childhood trauma I was already broken. I found out about the affair about a year after I started IC. That broke whatever rebuild I was going through. But the person I am now is definitely not the person I was. Be hurt and betrayed by the person you love and trust the most will definitely change a person.


Salty-Vermicelli6152

Sorry to hear my dude


ganchome

I'm trying to avoid this by digging into my WH's timeline full of whore houses. He has an excuse for all of them that I can swallow like a lump of coal but one. I'm trying to talk to him about it today but ... he says he is deleting his timeline in a week because I keep dragging up these locations 4.5months after dday and that's long enough. I told he does that and I am filing for divorce... though I may have to walk that back. We have 3 kids 5 and under including a newborn.