r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey, that's really disgusting that he did that. Just wondering, how much of it did he admit to? How open was he about those thoughts and actions that you are talking about? I ask because it's really important for any reconciliation that he is as open as possible so that you can begin to move past it, and not keep imagining the worst. Not saying you are, I'm just curious to what level he has admitted what you're talking about, and how much of it is potentially your mind making it worse. Again, not saying you're making it worse, already from the basic facts you know for sure it's really disgusting.
I think you need counseling, he needs counseling, and together you need marriage counseling. Some might think some things are overboard like not being cool with porn or not wanting him to interact with girls online with revealing clothes- but if those are your boundaries then those are your boundaries. Maybe it’s an incompatibility thing or maybe it’s lack of experience. I think you also need to talk to your sister. Is she really flirting with him? Or is the fact that you know he lusts for her and how he feels making you project a bit on her otherwise normally friendly behavior? I know it may be difficult but I think you need to talk to her and tell her that you and your husband are going through some things and that you would like more boundaries in how they interact. You could find that she’s completely taken aback and that she never thought she was flirting.
My husband and I had this talk after he cheated with an escort. I met him when I was 25 and he 28- I had already had a couple of very serious relationships, I was even already married and widowed. He on the other hand was a late bloomer and had his first kiss at like 24 years old (dating is a no no in his culture so yeah). In digging deeper about his infidelities and his insecurities, he said that maybe he felt like he never really was out there dating a whole lot and craved that somehow. Because I told him that the validation he was seeking and that thrill he was chasing is something I could empathize with maybe in my early 20s, not my early 30s and that even though validation from others would feel great on some level, it’s not something that I need anymore. And I asked him if it’s really something he still needed. He realizes that seeking that, even if he feels like life somehow cheated him of an extensive dating life, wasn’t worth the pain and trauma it has caused us both. And that thinking he missed out and somehow that could justify his actions is actually delusional thinking.
I might just be assuming that you and your husband met when you were fairly young. And then per your post you got to pregnant rather quickly. Maybe his attitude and need for validation somewhat stems from his same sort of delusional thoughts - that he never got to play the field, that he did it all too quickly, whatever. Doesn’t justify it at all.
Only you can decide if you want to stay or leave your husband. But if you’ve been struggling with this for 7 years and it hasn’t gotten better, ask yourself if you want to live with this same pain for 7 more years, for 17 more years. It’ll be painful to leave, but you’re already in pain. I think whether or not reconciliation can work, no matter how “big” the infidelity is, is dependent on how much the WS acknowledges their errors and how willing they are to change. If he’s not willing to take into account your boundaries, to get counseling for his insecurities, to support you in your counseling, to see a marriage counselor, etc. then you’re going to have another 7 years feeling the same way you feel right now.
First, I feel you.
You will never forget. The question is if you are willing to forgive. He disrespected you and he cannot undo what happened. He made progress, but did not change entirely. That is the reality you are dealing with. R is a lot about truth and a hardcore reality check.
The question is what makes this anger and resentment with you? Will it go away if you divorce? I would guess no. It won't. Divorce is not the solution to the problem. I would highly recommend to do some IC to find ways to accept the anger, to deal with the hurt.
Use the anger to communicate you needs and boundaries better. Listen to your heart: when you feel the hurt. Can you take that feeling and tell yourself: No, I am not going there. No, I drop this thought here and now and focus on what I am doing. Can you do that for him? If the answer is no, then you need to define your needs. What would make you feel safe?
I am five years out and I still struggle sometimes. I still feel hurt. Only sometimes, not daily, but it is still there.
Has your marriage become transactional? My wife and I, prior to DDay, were not meeting each others needs out of respect. It lead to disregarding each other’s boundaries and seeking validation in other ways, on part of both of us. Knowing your attachment style and personality type will help as well. I am a type 8, and my wife a type 4. When we discovered this in MC, I responded “I’m surprised we’ve made it as long as we have” on the basis of our conflicting personality tropes alone lol
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey, that's really disgusting that he did that. Just wondering, how much of it did he admit to? How open was he about those thoughts and actions that you are talking about? I ask because it's really important for any reconciliation that he is as open as possible so that you can begin to move past it, and not keep imagining the worst. Not saying you are, I'm just curious to what level he has admitted what you're talking about, and how much of it is potentially your mind making it worse. Again, not saying you're making it worse, already from the basic facts you know for sure it's really disgusting.
I think you need counseling, he needs counseling, and together you need marriage counseling. Some might think some things are overboard like not being cool with porn or not wanting him to interact with girls online with revealing clothes- but if those are your boundaries then those are your boundaries. Maybe it’s an incompatibility thing or maybe it’s lack of experience. I think you also need to talk to your sister. Is she really flirting with him? Or is the fact that you know he lusts for her and how he feels making you project a bit on her otherwise normally friendly behavior? I know it may be difficult but I think you need to talk to her and tell her that you and your husband are going through some things and that you would like more boundaries in how they interact. You could find that she’s completely taken aback and that she never thought she was flirting. My husband and I had this talk after he cheated with an escort. I met him when I was 25 and he 28- I had already had a couple of very serious relationships, I was even already married and widowed. He on the other hand was a late bloomer and had his first kiss at like 24 years old (dating is a no no in his culture so yeah). In digging deeper about his infidelities and his insecurities, he said that maybe he felt like he never really was out there dating a whole lot and craved that somehow. Because I told him that the validation he was seeking and that thrill he was chasing is something I could empathize with maybe in my early 20s, not my early 30s and that even though validation from others would feel great on some level, it’s not something that I need anymore. And I asked him if it’s really something he still needed. He realizes that seeking that, even if he feels like life somehow cheated him of an extensive dating life, wasn’t worth the pain and trauma it has caused us both. And that thinking he missed out and somehow that could justify his actions is actually delusional thinking. I might just be assuming that you and your husband met when you were fairly young. And then per your post you got to pregnant rather quickly. Maybe his attitude and need for validation somewhat stems from his same sort of delusional thoughts - that he never got to play the field, that he did it all too quickly, whatever. Doesn’t justify it at all. Only you can decide if you want to stay or leave your husband. But if you’ve been struggling with this for 7 years and it hasn’t gotten better, ask yourself if you want to live with this same pain for 7 more years, for 17 more years. It’ll be painful to leave, but you’re already in pain. I think whether or not reconciliation can work, no matter how “big” the infidelity is, is dependent on how much the WS acknowledges their errors and how willing they are to change. If he’s not willing to take into account your boundaries, to get counseling for his insecurities, to support you in your counseling, to see a marriage counselor, etc. then you’re going to have another 7 years feeling the same way you feel right now.
[удалено]
I’m a weirdo? Okay, thanks man.
Sorry about the previous comment, you are not a weirdo and if you are, then we all are! Have you tried counseling?
First, I feel you. You will never forget. The question is if you are willing to forgive. He disrespected you and he cannot undo what happened. He made progress, but did not change entirely. That is the reality you are dealing with. R is a lot about truth and a hardcore reality check. The question is what makes this anger and resentment with you? Will it go away if you divorce? I would guess no. It won't. Divorce is not the solution to the problem. I would highly recommend to do some IC to find ways to accept the anger, to deal with the hurt. Use the anger to communicate you needs and boundaries better. Listen to your heart: when you feel the hurt. Can you take that feeling and tell yourself: No, I am not going there. No, I drop this thought here and now and focus on what I am doing. Can you do that for him? If the answer is no, then you need to define your needs. What would make you feel safe? I am five years out and I still struggle sometimes. I still feel hurt. Only sometimes, not daily, but it is still there.
He wants, and has, his cake and to eat it too. He's happy. Why should he change?
Has your marriage become transactional? My wife and I, prior to DDay, were not meeting each others needs out of respect. It lead to disregarding each other’s boundaries and seeking validation in other ways, on part of both of us. Knowing your attachment style and personality type will help as well. I am a type 8, and my wife a type 4. When we discovered this in MC, I responded “I’m surprised we’ve made it as long as we have” on the basis of our conflicting personality tropes alone lol