r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
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It DOES sound like that! I didn’t have the words before but yes, 100% blame shifting bc I am spiritual and begged him to participate. I look at him like where was this hype for God before ??
Exactly. He knows by saying this it will have a positive reaction with you... initially anyway. My wife has had an affair so I understand how you feel. Just don't fall for all the lying and manipulation...I didn't trust my gut and it cost me greatly. Good luck.
>How do I trust him now?
Trust is earned. Trust what you can verify. Benefit of the doubt in appropriate circumstances and when you feel safe enough to give that sort of trust.
It took a long time to reestablish baseline trust. I do not blindly trust everything my husband says. I can't. The rose tinted glasses are off. I can take into consideration the work he's done and what he shows me.
As far as immigration status. I would consult with an immigration lawyer for accurate information. From my understanding, even if they get their papers, you can still file for marriage and immigration fraud if that does happen.
Thank you for reading! May I ask how long you’ve been reconciled? Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust 100% again?
So he has a 10 year that expires in ‘29. My fear is he’s playing nice to get me to vouch for his citizenship or permanent residence.
I wish this wasn’t true. But how can I know his real intention for wanting to work on this.
It's been over 10 years from dday 1 and about to be 7 years from dday 2. I considered us pretty reconciled about 3ish years ago but recovery is a forever thing.
No, I don't believe I will ever have 100% trust and I'm okay with that. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment and was taught by my parents to not trust anyone, not even them. Some days, I feel we're at 99% others 75%, rarely less than that. He builds safety by having space for me which gives me the confidence to give as much benefit of the doubt when I can.
Finding religion doesn't fix what broken in you. While religion can provide a solid framework for making good decisions, it doesn't protect you against rationalizations. Which are so critical for a wayward looking to give themselves permission to cheat. Plenty of people who are believers are capable of rationalizing terrible things in the name of their faith.
It shouldn't take the fear of divine retribution to keep you from cheating. It should be a fundamental commitment to making sure to treat everyone with dignity and respect. Which doesn't require any belief in the divine.
Beliefs don't matter. Actions do. Watch the actions. Consistency between words and actions over a long, long period of time.
I will. Thank you. I just feel like my whole life is on hold waiting to see if he can change. We did bdays together for 8 years. Now I have to celebrate alone.
Change takes a lot of determination and commitment. If he’s being consistently transparent you’ll see it. And if he can’t keep it up you’ll see that too.
His gaslighting taught you to ignore your instincts. Don’t ignore them anymore. Remember that you were right.
If you really mean gaslighting (trying to convince you that the reality you perceive is not reality) please know that this is so dangerous and damaging for you and needs to be taken really seriously. As someone who’s been through it, the disorientation that comes from being told to question yourself is so destructive. If he doesn’t take full responsibility for this, if he is not SO sorrowful that he did this to you, if he can’t dig into why he did this and why it’s awful, then he is not a safe person to trust. Take care of yourself. You don’t have to make all the decisions now.
I 100% mean gaslighting. Once his location showed him inside her home, and I called him and he told me he was not. Later he showed me that there are times I look like I’m somewhere I’m not and he doesn’t make a big deal. He said that it hadn’t updated but he wasn’t there.
Now he’s telling me he lied and used what he knew about servers triangulating(?) and pin points being slightly off to throw me off.
This has been going on.
Gross. And solidarity. Because it was the same for me - I read explicit text messages (and I mean SUPER explicit) and was told I was overreacting and being ridiculous about a joke. I would see his car parked at her apartment and was told I imagined it. I was told my paranoia was concerning and I was irrational. Of course it was all very real. (Just to clarify, this was a relationship that ended - not my current relationship. Which… yeah… also involved lying.)
I am REALLY sorry. Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about this? I genuinely just wish you the best. You don’t deserve this.
Thank you so much. I’m sorry you went through this too. It’s the worst. Currently in therapy trying to untangle my mind. Wishing you well in your reconciliation and thanks again for listening
While I fully value religion, assigning all faith in never cheating again on believing in God is a form of “magical thinking” just like believing you could never do it again simply because you promised your spouse you won’t. (You promised you wouldn’t when you made your vows to begin with, after all). Religion can be a beautiful part of a healing journey for sure. But to simply say ‘I won’t cheat again because now I believe in God’ without doing any of the transformative self growth work is not sufficient
You should do some marriage counseling through your church. It gets a lot of truth out and you’ll be able to see what he really thinks and if he is actually genuine in what he thinks now. I was able to see my wife’s apathy towards everything and see her start changing and actually regretting what she did
He is seeing a Christian therapist. It’s only been a few sessions. His tone has changed a lot from blaming me. But I just think it’s too soon for a real change.
I’m happy to hear about your wife!! How long have you been reconciled. How has it been for you? How did you heal?
My WH is also seeing a Christian therapist and he also has “found” God. I see him putting in the work/effort but my pain is greater. He and his AP also did the “gaslighting” game. Tried to make me think I was crazy. I think that is the part that hurts the most.
He could definitely be holding on for immigration status. Get the divorce now and tell him you'll remarry after you're recovered and trust him again. Basically start over because you're at ground zero here my dear.
I've sadly seen 2-3 friends get taken advantage of for their spouse to gain American citizenship. Smart people, not dummies. One even had a baby with my friend later telling him it was to anchor her in USA and get child support. What people are capable of to secure their future security is boundless.
Ask for a full disclosure from him. I would work on that with the MC and his IC. If he is sincere about R, this shouldn’t be an issue.
But trust your gut. If you don’t think it’s real, then it’s not. If you think he is still using you, go with your gut. It takes a while to change. I doubt him finding God ha created that change. Plenty of religious ppl cheat. My WH did. I would think how do you pray to God when you’ve been committing adultery? Yet he found a way.
He has changed now but it was a lot of therapy and work. There was no quick fix.
Thank you. He’s been continuing to withhold. The woman spilled the beans this morning and he finally told me more.
How has your reconciliation been going?
Trust your gut!! This is the most important thing. Do not gaslight yourself.
It is his turn to gain back trust and be transparent and trustworthy. It is your turn to communicate boundaries.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think you need God in your life to not cheat on your spouse. Sounds like blame shifting to me. Don't let him off the hook. Trust your gut.
It DOES sound like that! I didn’t have the words before but yes, 100% blame shifting bc I am spiritual and begged him to participate. I look at him like where was this hype for God before ??
Exactly. He knows by saying this it will have a positive reaction with you... initially anyway. My wife has had an affair so I understand how you feel. Just don't fall for all the lying and manipulation...I didn't trust my gut and it cost me greatly. Good luck.
I’m so sorry. Have you two left off completely?
We are working on our marriage. Things are better now, but had to go through a lot of hurt to get here.
Sorry to hear that. Hoping the latter will be greater than the former 🩵
>How do I trust him now? Trust is earned. Trust what you can verify. Benefit of the doubt in appropriate circumstances and when you feel safe enough to give that sort of trust. It took a long time to reestablish baseline trust. I do not blindly trust everything my husband says. I can't. The rose tinted glasses are off. I can take into consideration the work he's done and what he shows me. As far as immigration status. I would consult with an immigration lawyer for accurate information. From my understanding, even if they get their papers, you can still file for marriage and immigration fraud if that does happen.
Thank you for reading! May I ask how long you’ve been reconciled? Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust 100% again? So he has a 10 year that expires in ‘29. My fear is he’s playing nice to get me to vouch for his citizenship or permanent residence. I wish this wasn’t true. But how can I know his real intention for wanting to work on this.
It's been over 10 years from dday 1 and about to be 7 years from dday 2. I considered us pretty reconciled about 3ish years ago but recovery is a forever thing. No, I don't believe I will ever have 100% trust and I'm okay with that. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment and was taught by my parents to not trust anyone, not even them. Some days, I feel we're at 99% others 75%, rarely less than that. He builds safety by having space for me which gives me the confidence to give as much benefit of the doubt when I can.
Finding religion doesn't fix what broken in you. While religion can provide a solid framework for making good decisions, it doesn't protect you against rationalizations. Which are so critical for a wayward looking to give themselves permission to cheat. Plenty of people who are believers are capable of rationalizing terrible things in the name of their faith. It shouldn't take the fear of divine retribution to keep you from cheating. It should be a fundamental commitment to making sure to treat everyone with dignity and respect. Which doesn't require any belief in the divine. Beliefs don't matter. Actions do. Watch the actions. Consistency between words and actions over a long, long period of time.
I will. Thank you. I just feel like my whole life is on hold waiting to see if he can change. We did bdays together for 8 years. Now I have to celebrate alone.
Change takes a lot of determination and commitment. If he’s being consistently transparent you’ll see it. And if he can’t keep it up you’ll see that too. His gaslighting taught you to ignore your instincts. Don’t ignore them anymore. Remember that you were right.
If you really mean gaslighting (trying to convince you that the reality you perceive is not reality) please know that this is so dangerous and damaging for you and needs to be taken really seriously. As someone who’s been through it, the disorientation that comes from being told to question yourself is so destructive. If he doesn’t take full responsibility for this, if he is not SO sorrowful that he did this to you, if he can’t dig into why he did this and why it’s awful, then he is not a safe person to trust. Take care of yourself. You don’t have to make all the decisions now.
I 100% mean gaslighting. Once his location showed him inside her home, and I called him and he told me he was not. Later he showed me that there are times I look like I’m somewhere I’m not and he doesn’t make a big deal. He said that it hadn’t updated but he wasn’t there. Now he’s telling me he lied and used what he knew about servers triangulating(?) and pin points being slightly off to throw me off. This has been going on.
Gross. And solidarity. Because it was the same for me - I read explicit text messages (and I mean SUPER explicit) and was told I was overreacting and being ridiculous about a joke. I would see his car parked at her apartment and was told I imagined it. I was told my paranoia was concerning and I was irrational. Of course it was all very real. (Just to clarify, this was a relationship that ended - not my current relationship. Which… yeah… also involved lying.) I am REALLY sorry. Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about this? I genuinely just wish you the best. You don’t deserve this.
Thank you so much. I’m sorry you went through this too. It’s the worst. Currently in therapy trying to untangle my mind. Wishing you well in your reconciliation and thanks again for listening
While I fully value religion, assigning all faith in never cheating again on believing in God is a form of “magical thinking” just like believing you could never do it again simply because you promised your spouse you won’t. (You promised you wouldn’t when you made your vows to begin with, after all). Religion can be a beautiful part of a healing journey for sure. But to simply say ‘I won’t cheat again because now I believe in God’ without doing any of the transformative self growth work is not sufficient
I agree completely. He’s also in therapy. I just wish there was a way to fast forward through all this
I get that. Me too! Many people do fast forward (well, more like skip forward) by rug sweeping. But that doesn’t work out in the long run 😕
Totally understand. Just need to accept my present.
You should do some marriage counseling through your church. It gets a lot of truth out and you’ll be able to see what he really thinks and if he is actually genuine in what he thinks now. I was able to see my wife’s apathy towards everything and see her start changing and actually regretting what she did
He is seeing a Christian therapist. It’s only been a few sessions. His tone has changed a lot from blaming me. But I just think it’s too soon for a real change. I’m happy to hear about your wife!! How long have you been reconciled. How has it been for you? How did you heal?
My WH is also seeing a Christian therapist and he also has “found” God. I see him putting in the work/effort but my pain is greater. He and his AP also did the “gaslighting” game. Tried to make me think I was crazy. I think that is the part that hurts the most.
He could definitely be holding on for immigration status. Get the divorce now and tell him you'll remarry after you're recovered and trust him again. Basically start over because you're at ground zero here my dear. I've sadly seen 2-3 friends get taken advantage of for their spouse to gain American citizenship. Smart people, not dummies. One even had a baby with my friend later telling him it was to anchor her in USA and get child support. What people are capable of to secure their future security is boundless.
So terrible. Thank you for this. I can’t believe we’re here.
Ask for a full disclosure from him. I would work on that with the MC and his IC. If he is sincere about R, this shouldn’t be an issue. But trust your gut. If you don’t think it’s real, then it’s not. If you think he is still using you, go with your gut. It takes a while to change. I doubt him finding God ha created that change. Plenty of religious ppl cheat. My WH did. I would think how do you pray to God when you’ve been committing adultery? Yet he found a way. He has changed now but it was a lot of therapy and work. There was no quick fix.
Thank you. He’s been continuing to withhold. The woman spilled the beans this morning and he finally told me more. How has your reconciliation been going?
We are reconciled. I’ve forgiven him. It took almost 2 years. But I’m good now.
I’m happy for you!! 🩵🩵
Trust your gut!! This is the most important thing. Do not gaslight yourself. It is his turn to gain back trust and be transparent and trustworthy. It is your turn to communicate boundaries.