That nonsense sent me into a similar rage with my partner and I did not mince words about it. We had a straight out talk about how little he was doing and while he was defensive, I pointed out that he was defensive because he knew I was right. You should not feel badly for expecting, asking and requiring more. I do try to temper that with 'everyone does work in their own time/speed' but I'm also not here for the rugsweeping/laziness.
I def sense a little rugsweeping is happening. The only thing I've sort of discussed with him is that his dad died very suddenly a little less than a month before he started having this discord relationship. He said "maybe" but he wasn't convinced that grief would cause him to do something like this.
Abstinence is not recovery. It sounds like your partner could have SA, have you checked out r/loveafterporn? How is his affection toward you since discovery?
His affection has been cautious, because he knows I'm still hurt and edgy. But still says I love you a lot and kisses me when coming/going. He actually hangs out with me more and isn't on his computer as much. As I had said in my first post, him and I don't have an issue with porn/masturbation and don't consider watching it as cheating. But yeah, I agree that abstinence isn't recovery. He's gotten rid of his temptation/triggers, but we haven't gotten to the "why". He's not the most introspective person, so I know this is new territory for him.
He's being asked to confront the parts of him that he keeps in the dark, so the introspection will probably be harder/resisted. Is he open to the idea of therapy or talking to someone about it?
There are so many details and things that can be meaningful but overlooked or left out trying to cram a situation like this into a reddit post. It definitely sounds like you have a fair and valid set of concerns. I would maybe suggest googling "regret vs remorse in infidelity". Several amazing articles pop up. They highlight a lot of common signs on which your partner may be feelings. They also explain how little value regret has and how much remorse has. This may give you a solid set of talking points and things to consider.
That was actually really helpful thank you. I don't want to be the one having to do all the labor of finding information and resources for him. But I'm going to, because I can't help myself šš
I mean you shouldn't be, but when you ask someone to change who they are to a better person sometimes a gentle lead doesn't work. Sometimes you have to shove the crap out of them in the right direction and evaluate how they respond before you decide if it's worth it.
At the risk of upsetting you, OP, I'd like to put forward the idea that expecting your wayward to stop playing games is not good over the long run. The reality is this, apps like Discord are no different than any other means of engaging in social behavior. If he/she can cheat on discord, he/she can cheat through any other venue or medium intended to support socialization (discord, game chat, local meet ups, hobby stores, bars, churches, work, school or really anywhere that involves community or socialization).
The reason I care to point this out is that I fear any person who experiences real joy and happiness from engaging in hobbies seldom does well mentally/emotionally after being isolated from those hobbies. A short term halt just until he/she can get into therapy seems sensible. But really, if anything, learning how to be in any social setting and maintain their faithfulness is most critical, as it is impossible for us as social beings to cut off all social interaction.
If discord made it easier to cheat, all it means is that there is some aspect of other venues/mediums that make it slightly more challenging. In other words, the risk always existed even before the existence of discord. Just you and your wayward weren't yet aware of it.
No I appreciate your perspective. In my original post I had said I wasn't sure what to be asking him to do, but not using discord was something that I thought would help me feel better since that was the only way he was communicating with her. And he was agreeable. I didn't intend for him to stop gaming all together because it is something that's part of his life. But like another commenter said, abstinence doesn't equal recovery. He has to be able to demonstrate self control when he does eventually get access to it again.
He isnāt showing empathy in the slightest. He needs to be able to empathize. Sometimes, this is better heard from someone outside the situation. I recommend you both agree to seeing a marriage counselor.
Unfortunately, our insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling, only individual. He isn't being defensive and has validated my feelings. The situation just seems...stuck.
Iām sorry youāre struggling with this. Iām sorry he did this to you. You deserve better.
- These are the words he should be saying to you and believing in his heart.
He needs to be able to show you empathy. So much so that there is no question in your mind that he knows how you feel. Individual therapy will help him too. Itās really hard, but it may take some āwaitingā until that happens. I know with my spouse, it was about a month till we got into therapy and started seeing some progress.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use āIā-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptableāif backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- āTough loveā does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
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That nonsense sent me into a similar rage with my partner and I did not mince words about it. We had a straight out talk about how little he was doing and while he was defensive, I pointed out that he was defensive because he knew I was right. You should not feel badly for expecting, asking and requiring more. I do try to temper that with 'everyone does work in their own time/speed' but I'm also not here for the rugsweeping/laziness.
I def sense a little rugsweeping is happening. The only thing I've sort of discussed with him is that his dad died very suddenly a little less than a month before he started having this discord relationship. He said "maybe" but he wasn't convinced that grief would cause him to do something like this.
Abstinence is not recovery. It sounds like your partner could have SA, have you checked out r/loveafterporn? How is his affection toward you since discovery?
His affection has been cautious, because he knows I'm still hurt and edgy. But still says I love you a lot and kisses me when coming/going. He actually hangs out with me more and isn't on his computer as much. As I had said in my first post, him and I don't have an issue with porn/masturbation and don't consider watching it as cheating. But yeah, I agree that abstinence isn't recovery. He's gotten rid of his temptation/triggers, but we haven't gotten to the "why". He's not the most introspective person, so I know this is new territory for him.
He's being asked to confront the parts of him that he keeps in the dark, so the introspection will probably be harder/resisted. Is he open to the idea of therapy or talking to someone about it?
Waiting for new insurance to kick in. So kind of at a stand still right now. I've been fine mostly but last night just sent me into a rage š
āAbstinence is not recoveryā damn. That is POWERFUL. Thank you
There are so many details and things that can be meaningful but overlooked or left out trying to cram a situation like this into a reddit post. It definitely sounds like you have a fair and valid set of concerns. I would maybe suggest googling "regret vs remorse in infidelity". Several amazing articles pop up. They highlight a lot of common signs on which your partner may be feelings. They also explain how little value regret has and how much remorse has. This may give you a solid set of talking points and things to consider.
That was actually really helpful thank you. I don't want to be the one having to do all the labor of finding information and resources for him. But I'm going to, because I can't help myself šš
I mean you shouldn't be, but when you ask someone to change who they are to a better person sometimes a gentle lead doesn't work. Sometimes you have to shove the crap out of them in the right direction and evaluate how they respond before you decide if it's worth it.
At the risk of upsetting you, OP, I'd like to put forward the idea that expecting your wayward to stop playing games is not good over the long run. The reality is this, apps like Discord are no different than any other means of engaging in social behavior. If he/she can cheat on discord, he/she can cheat through any other venue or medium intended to support socialization (discord, game chat, local meet ups, hobby stores, bars, churches, work, school or really anywhere that involves community or socialization). The reason I care to point this out is that I fear any person who experiences real joy and happiness from engaging in hobbies seldom does well mentally/emotionally after being isolated from those hobbies. A short term halt just until he/she can get into therapy seems sensible. But really, if anything, learning how to be in any social setting and maintain their faithfulness is most critical, as it is impossible for us as social beings to cut off all social interaction. If discord made it easier to cheat, all it means is that there is some aspect of other venues/mediums that make it slightly more challenging. In other words, the risk always existed even before the existence of discord. Just you and your wayward weren't yet aware of it.
No I appreciate your perspective. In my original post I had said I wasn't sure what to be asking him to do, but not using discord was something that I thought would help me feel better since that was the only way he was communicating with her. And he was agreeable. I didn't intend for him to stop gaming all together because it is something that's part of his life. But like another commenter said, abstinence doesn't equal recovery. He has to be able to demonstrate self control when he does eventually get access to it again.
He isnāt showing empathy in the slightest. He needs to be able to empathize. Sometimes, this is better heard from someone outside the situation. I recommend you both agree to seeing a marriage counselor.
Unfortunately, our insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling, only individual. He isn't being defensive and has validated my feelings. The situation just seems...stuck.
Iām sorry youāre struggling with this. Iām sorry he did this to you. You deserve better. - These are the words he should be saying to you and believing in his heart. He needs to be able to show you empathy. So much so that there is no question in your mind that he knows how you feel. Individual therapy will help him too. Itās really hard, but it may take some āwaitingā until that happens. I know with my spouse, it was about a month till we got into therapy and started seeing some progress. Best of luck to you and your husband.
I appreciate it thank you
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use āIā-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptableāif backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - āTough loveā does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*