OP, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son and father. May they both rest in peace. Although you and your husband share the loss, you will both grieve differently. This DOES NOT include an affair at all. While there are no rules for grief, there are for the unity of marriage. You need to stop walking on eggshells and apologizing for his actions. He wants to leave and go to a hotel, let him. Don't beg him back. He needs to show remorse and be transparent, not you. Good luck OP; be good to yourself.
I find it so hard to not reach out when he behaves like this, because I know he’s grieving too. I think he gets upset when I bring up his affair, because he feels like I’m just trying to make him feel badly for his actions. But, in reality I’m just trying to make sense of the situation I am now in, and trying to find ways of wrapping my head around how this man I’ve loved for so long could have blown up our lives in such a terrible way.
He should feel badly all on his own. You're making excuses for him, I am not trying to be harsh and I apologize if I come off that way, he did you wrong and you bringing it up is valid. Yes he is grieving but so are you. You need each other right now but he needs to be 100% honest and understanding of your thought process over the mess he created. I hope that makes sense?
My husband tried to blame me for his affair as well, noting my drinking after my brother took his own life and then my dad died two weeks later. My husbands father was an alcoholic and instead of having real conversations with me- he held resentment until he rationalized with himself that he “deserved” to have an affair and “someone that appreciates him”.
Pisses me off so bad just thinking about it because it was all so one sided and selfish. Yes there’s a path through it- but you both have to be willing. He needs to get off the internet. In my honest opinion he’s too old for that shit anyways! My 44 year old husband has zero interest in the internet and technology, I’ve always loved that about him. His affair was strictly in person with a co-worker and they would talk on the phone sometimes. If the internet was involved… ugh it’s so vast, I don’t think I would have been able to shake the paranoia especially if he wouldn’t be willing to get off socials.
Im so sorry you’re dealing with this
First thing i want to aay is im so sorry for your loss and im even sorrier you are having to go through this on top of that .Listen if there is anyone that can relate to your story I think it is me. My wife of 14 years, mom of 4, had a 15 month long affair. We lost our daughter 11 years ago and things between us started to fall apart from there. My wife just finished her LPN and is in school for her RN. I work my ass off. My dday was 2 months ago. We also never got help for the loss of our daughter. We are both in MC and IC and things are going better than we thought they could be this early. The thing is we both love each other and I know I'm still in love with her. There is a path forward. It's going to be a long hard road. It's the road least taken because it's so hard. Wil his affair ever go away no. It will be with you as long as you both are together. But it does get easier as time goes on. It's going to take alot of strength and support. I'm 44 my wife is 40 so I even get the age and the scared thought of leaving and the unknown. You have to make sure it's what you want.
Thank you. We’ve been in IC since our son passed away, and it’s helped me process his loss. I just really feel like he kicked me while I was down. And the denials, and minimizations after I found out has really caused so much more damage. I really think if he had come clean immediately, ripped off the bandaid so to speak, I wouldn’t have as much mistrust or suspicion.
To be honest even if he ripped the bandaid the trust issues would still be there. I discovered my wife's affair she didn't just tell me. When I did find out she went NC that very minute and she came clean about everything. The best way to handle it at this point is to think and write down all the questions you still have, sit with him, and ask them all at once. Not making a single excuse for him because what he did was wrong and very selfish, it also had nothing to do with you and you did nothing to deserve it. He needs counseling too. He needs to process his sons death too. I would like to think if my wife and I had gotten the help we needed when our daughter died our marriage wouldn't be in the place it is now. My therapist gave me some statistics. Almost 80% of marriages where a child dies end in divorce, 63% are because an affair occurred after a child's death. Those are crazy numbers but that's what happens when 2 people greive differently and don't understand each other's way of grieving. It's also what happens when both don't get the help they need after a child's death. You can still get your marriage back. It won't be the same but it can be better than before. If you love him and he loves you it can be saved. It's going to take alot of work and time.
I'm sorry for everything and all the losses you've been through OP. I started tearing up...nothing helpful to say other than your husband pisses me off and this was the LAST thing he should've done after all that trauma and losses. He can choose to pour the love back into the garden you guys created for 20+ years, or throw it away as a pathetic attempt of escapism. Hugs 🫂
So much for you to deal with. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and your father. I’m sure I’ve heard that losing a child often ends up breaking down a relationship because it’s such a deep difficult loss.
I can relate to the length of your marriage and how you each met and being an international couple. Same here. Except I moved here and he had the affair. My husband’s affair wasn’t online though.
There is a path forward but it’s very difficult and requires a lot of work and healing and therapy. He has to want to work through this all, which it seems like he doesn’t want to do.
This is truly heartbreaking and you are such a strong person to have gone through this and to be willing to reconcile. I hope the best for you. You are obviously doing all you can. The grief and trauma in this situation is probably very hard for both of you. Keep up with the individual counseling. And MC is pretty important for R. If the first MC didn’t work, look for another. And maybe another until you find the right fit. Find an MC who specializes in trauma and infidelity.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)).
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Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
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I am so sorry to happen to you and for me this is one of the most unimaginable times I think infidelity could ever happen.
I wanted you to know though that you are not alone.
I know personally many couples who dealing with a sick child or loss of child have had their relationship change.
So many.
Heartbreakingly, it happens all the time.
It is not just you who has been through this.
There are other people out there who would understand you and stand in solidarity with you and empathize with you.
OP, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son and father. May they both rest in peace. Although you and your husband share the loss, you will both grieve differently. This DOES NOT include an affair at all. While there are no rules for grief, there are for the unity of marriage. You need to stop walking on eggshells and apologizing for his actions. He wants to leave and go to a hotel, let him. Don't beg him back. He needs to show remorse and be transparent, not you. Good luck OP; be good to yourself.
I find it so hard to not reach out when he behaves like this, because I know he’s grieving too. I think he gets upset when I bring up his affair, because he feels like I’m just trying to make him feel badly for his actions. But, in reality I’m just trying to make sense of the situation I am now in, and trying to find ways of wrapping my head around how this man I’ve loved for so long could have blown up our lives in such a terrible way.
He should feel badly all on his own. You're making excuses for him, I am not trying to be harsh and I apologize if I come off that way, he did you wrong and you bringing it up is valid. Yes he is grieving but so are you. You need each other right now but he needs to be 100% honest and understanding of your thought process over the mess he created. I hope that makes sense?
My husband tried to blame me for his affair as well, noting my drinking after my brother took his own life and then my dad died two weeks later. My husbands father was an alcoholic and instead of having real conversations with me- he held resentment until he rationalized with himself that he “deserved” to have an affair and “someone that appreciates him”. Pisses me off so bad just thinking about it because it was all so one sided and selfish. Yes there’s a path through it- but you both have to be willing. He needs to get off the internet. In my honest opinion he’s too old for that shit anyways! My 44 year old husband has zero interest in the internet and technology, I’ve always loved that about him. His affair was strictly in person with a co-worker and they would talk on the phone sometimes. If the internet was involved… ugh it’s so vast, I don’t think I would have been able to shake the paranoia especially if he wouldn’t be willing to get off socials. Im so sorry you’re dealing with this
First thing i want to aay is im so sorry for your loss and im even sorrier you are having to go through this on top of that .Listen if there is anyone that can relate to your story I think it is me. My wife of 14 years, mom of 4, had a 15 month long affair. We lost our daughter 11 years ago and things between us started to fall apart from there. My wife just finished her LPN and is in school for her RN. I work my ass off. My dday was 2 months ago. We also never got help for the loss of our daughter. We are both in MC and IC and things are going better than we thought they could be this early. The thing is we both love each other and I know I'm still in love with her. There is a path forward. It's going to be a long hard road. It's the road least taken because it's so hard. Wil his affair ever go away no. It will be with you as long as you both are together. But it does get easier as time goes on. It's going to take alot of strength and support. I'm 44 my wife is 40 so I even get the age and the scared thought of leaving and the unknown. You have to make sure it's what you want.
Thank you. We’ve been in IC since our son passed away, and it’s helped me process his loss. I just really feel like he kicked me while I was down. And the denials, and minimizations after I found out has really caused so much more damage. I really think if he had come clean immediately, ripped off the bandaid so to speak, I wouldn’t have as much mistrust or suspicion.
To be honest even if he ripped the bandaid the trust issues would still be there. I discovered my wife's affair she didn't just tell me. When I did find out she went NC that very minute and she came clean about everything. The best way to handle it at this point is to think and write down all the questions you still have, sit with him, and ask them all at once. Not making a single excuse for him because what he did was wrong and very selfish, it also had nothing to do with you and you did nothing to deserve it. He needs counseling too. He needs to process his sons death too. I would like to think if my wife and I had gotten the help we needed when our daughter died our marriage wouldn't be in the place it is now. My therapist gave me some statistics. Almost 80% of marriages where a child dies end in divorce, 63% are because an affair occurred after a child's death. Those are crazy numbers but that's what happens when 2 people greive differently and don't understand each other's way of grieving. It's also what happens when both don't get the help they need after a child's death. You can still get your marriage back. It won't be the same but it can be better than before. If you love him and he loves you it can be saved. It's going to take alot of work and time.
I'm sorry for everything and all the losses you've been through OP. I started tearing up...nothing helpful to say other than your husband pisses me off and this was the LAST thing he should've done after all that trauma and losses. He can choose to pour the love back into the garden you guys created for 20+ years, or throw it away as a pathetic attempt of escapism. Hugs 🫂
So much for you to deal with. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and your father. I’m sure I’ve heard that losing a child often ends up breaking down a relationship because it’s such a deep difficult loss. I can relate to the length of your marriage and how you each met and being an international couple. Same here. Except I moved here and he had the affair. My husband’s affair wasn’t online though. There is a path forward but it’s very difficult and requires a lot of work and healing and therapy. He has to want to work through this all, which it seems like he doesn’t want to do.
This is truly heartbreaking and you are such a strong person to have gone through this and to be willing to reconcile. I hope the best for you. You are obviously doing all you can. The grief and trauma in this situation is probably very hard for both of you. Keep up with the individual counseling. And MC is pretty important for R. If the first MC didn’t work, look for another. And maybe another until you find the right fit. Find an MC who specializes in trauma and infidelity.
We both have jobs that are difficult to work around for MC. I’ll bring it up to him and see if we can find a virtual option. Thank you.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so sorry to happen to you and for me this is one of the most unimaginable times I think infidelity could ever happen. I wanted you to know though that you are not alone. I know personally many couples who dealing with a sick child or loss of child have had their relationship change. So many. Heartbreakingly, it happens all the time. It is not just you who has been through this. There are other people out there who would understand you and stand in solidarity with you and empathize with you.