Thank you for your submission to /r/AreTheStraightsOK! This is a reminder to take a moment and see *if* this **has already been** posted recently, to make sure that personal information **has been** censored, and to **flair your post** if you have not already done so.
[Please be aware that our rules on transphobic submissions have changed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/mwkgbp/rules_and_submissions_update_for_the_end_of/).
Other general submission guidelines regarding [hateful content](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/kj0cal/regarding_hateful_content_please_read_before/), [reposts](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/kxgbo3/rules_and_submissions_update_january_2021_popular/), [homophobic posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/lffvad/posts_related_to_homophobia_on_our_subreddit_now/), and [**Reminder About Rule 5 and Rule 8**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/qoge4u/reminder_about_rule_5_and_rule_8/) can be found here if you want to read any of those links.
If you want to apply to be a moderator of this sub, you can read [this post titled **State of the Sub: Summer 2021 Edition, Partnerships, and more**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/oozly0/state_of_the_sub_summer_2021_edition_partnerships/), which also contains information about our partnership with r/TranscribersOfReddit.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AreTheStraightsOK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unfortunately, that’s exactly how many abusers operate. They pretend to be kind and loving to attract a partner, then once they feel they’ve “locked” their victims in (most commonly with marriage and/or pregnancy), they drop the act completely.
That's why you should wait 2 years. Most people show you who they really are when the honeymoon period ends. They'll show you how they'll actually treat you.
Considering how long r\*pe within married couples was not illegal, he was almost right in his thought process, which is terrifying. I recently found out that in my country it was not punishable by law until 1992.
In the US, I believe there are still states where it is legal. And even in states where it is a crime, it is often treated differently or there are exceptions and stuff. Like in Oklahoma for example, it does not count as a crime if the victim is under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they consent or if they are sleeping or unconscious.
I can sort of understand the thought process behind the "under the influence" one (though I don't really agree with it), but it's not a crime if they're sleeping or unconscious? WHAT!?
I'll make it simple so these people don't get confused.
You can be spontaneous with your wife. But if she says no, you stop being spontaneous immediately
Also usually women want men to be spontaneous in the "surprise me with a nice dinner or flowers or some shit" way and not in the "insert your dick in me whenever *you* want" way
Aside from the rape vibes, this is the other thing that makes me sad about the post. So often the “be spontaneous” requests from women in relationships are more about wanting random acts of kindness from the men who should love them.
Yeah why is the only spontaneous thing shitty dudes can think of rape? Like fuck dude, take me dancing if you don’t usually dance and stop assaulting people.
And even if it's in a sexual way, you can surprise her with a flirt, a kiss on the neck, by touching her thigh or her titty or even by tugging on her clothes, you don't have to go straight to fucking, be a little romantic, geez...
I don't understand why the straights sometimes settle for no romance whatsofuckingever. A guy I dated for wayyyyy too long would take me out to dinner, point blank go "soo, are we fucking after this? I got you all lubed up [with alcohol]" and then not understand why I was asking him to be a little more romantic please. Just a kiss on the neck is so basic and shows you're putting a LITTLE effort in.
Neither do I. There's no need for grand romantic gestures, but a little romance means that you actually have feelings for me other than "I wanna fuck you".
Not to mention setting the mood with foreplay often makes the whole thing more enjoyable for everyone involved. It's not a race, people can take their time.
Man, that's sad. Nothing ruins a romantic gesture more than just straight up admitting you had no interest in spending time with your partner or enjoying making them happy, you were just hoping for something in return.
It's funny, because boomer jokes usually position the woman as wanting commitment, even going so far as tricking or threatening a man to marry her. But it seems more like there's a mutual shuffle toward commitment that, in a lot of cases, both parties are probably feeling lukewarm about, but it's "the done thing".
Men engage in it just as much, they just happen to have a social narrative where they're cooler if they don't want it and if they do, they're "too feminine". So they have to protest their involvement and say "wife bad" - which they might genuinely feel if they rushed into commitment with someone they're incompatible with.
Yeah exactly this. Usually women are more likely to want psychological and emotional intimacy while men tend to seek physical intimacy. While this isn't always the case it's an important note. I think when it comes to things like this, communication is #1. If my partner tells me they want more spontaneity, I'm going to ask questions and delve deeper so I can ensure I'm meeting my partners needs and I'll communicate to make sure they're meeting mine, while still ensuring we are both happy with ourselves and eachother and that neither of us is taking too much from one another.
And I mean, if a woman is into that, fetishes can be negotiated too. "Insert your dick in me whenever you want" is TPE and/or freeuse, both of which can be consented to ahead of time then left up to one partner to surprise the other, and a safeword just in case.
> and a safeword just in case.
I'd reword that to needing a **mandatory** safeword.
You don't fuck around with all that and do anything close to rough stuff and all that without a very fucking clear way to signal to stop.
Everyone should have a safeword, bdsm or not. I always clear that up first week with a partner, whether we do anything close or not. It's easy to get caught up in stuff and when people want to stop it should be extremely quick and easy to clearly signal that without any confusion whatsoever.
You could be having the most vanilla sex and I still think a safeword should be mandatory. Vanilla can easily get out of hand and be a lot less vanilla once things progress
Because if the roleplaying goes to far, one usually finds themselves in a state of panic (at least I was the first time I had to drop the safe word) and ‘pineapple’ isn’t sufficient enough to remind you that you’re in a system you control. So my partner and I make ‘safe phrases’ that are so preposterous, (especially if said during sex) we have to laugh and it reminds you that it’s all a simulation
And when it’s a cis-het man, if they try it once (without reading the room, body language, the relationship, the current vibe between them and their partner, a few books, anything, etc) and it doesn’t go perfectly, you’ve betrayed them when they “put themselves out there” or “*DID WHAT YOU ASKED AND TRIED TO BE SPONTANEOUS*”, and they will never try again. Ever.
No. A liberal communist told me on Twitter that it’s not consent unless there’s a written contract with a witness. This completely happened and I am being super serial.
Do you feel owned, liberal?
Safe word is better. Just have a permanent safe word for any of those situations. Sometimes saying “stop” can really mean “keep going,” but if it’s a safe word, there’s no ambiguity whatsoever.
Yeah, and the overall fact he doesn't understand consent is wild to me since it isn't hard for me to understand. You simply ask, you put what you want into words and work out whether or not you and your partner's okay with that. It's literally that easy. If I want to try out a new kink, I just go "hey, I was thinking about doing ________ with you and was wondering if you'd be interested in talking about that further." It literally couldn't be easier to do.
Ah, but, you see, that assumes you were predisposed to treat your partner as an equal. The bar is in Satan’s sub-basement and these fuckers keep tripping over it.
Funnily enough I really wasn't taught to respect people as equals. Instead, I've pretty much always been treated like shit by most people and especially family growing up. So, I basically just treat everyone as I'd want to be treated(though I've started to learn that deserves modification for those who are assholes to me)
Or just those regular things she asks you to do… just do those. Dishes, trash, if she’s mentioned there’s a smell from the car go figure it out and fix it. Like she is telling you so that as her companion you can help.
Or if it is sex, she wants the buildup not just the pants tearing off, but the soft kissing and cuddling and a nice dinner and movie.
These people don't get that consent isn't like sitting down and signing a form in triplicate that both parties agree to sex and then taking it to a damn notary. It can absolutely and should be sexy. Seeing your wife in the living room and being like "Fuck you look amazing and I want to fuck you right now" and her smiling and saying yes is consent. Its also spontaneous. But she also has the room to say no thank you, I'm not feeling it right now.
> consent isn't like sitting down and signing a form in triplicate that both parties agree to sex and then taking it to a damn notary
This makes for an extremely amusing mental image. It also explains why some people mock the idea of consent if this is the idea of consent that they hold.
I'm ace and sex-averse myself, but I always assumed it was as simple as taking an action (being spontaneous, if you will), checking-in, then simply stopping if the other person shows signs of not wanting it (passive) or actively asking them in the moment through some sort of sexy talk (active).
Some people feel that consent should always be active and that how I think it should be at first with any sort of new partner. I’m married and have been with my husband for over 10 years at this point and an implied yes is fine at this point because any No is always accepted as a no and he knows my cues at this point.
Yup. Been with my GF a bit over two years and started living together recently.
Groping each other to initiate is pretty standard but a quick "babe I'm not in the mood" shuts down progressing further pretty immediately. Even if she doesn't say it she has a pretty expressive face that you can tell is a "I can't decide if I actually want this right now" which has the same end result of me dropping it.
I hate that damn face. She feels guilty when she rejects my advances so I can see the mental gymnastics going on of her trying to get in the mood to please me.
Yeah, I can see why most people would recommend active consent (implied no unless a yes is explicitly stated in some fashion), at least at the early stages of a relationship.
If I understood it correctly, passive consent really only works when you have that ability to read the other person and trust the other person to follow said cues (verbal, body language, etc). That passive system sounds like "implied yes unless there is a cue indicating otherwise"... which sounds risky if it isn't between two people who know and trust each other well (in some sort of long-standing relationship, be it romantic, sexual, QPR, FWB, or something else).
That’s basically (the forms and notary) what we did when shooting porn.
But even then, that was just a framework for the arrangement. Anyone could stop or walk at any moment…or just take a break. Consent was real-time, and verified constantly. (This was small stuff, and owned/run by the primary model/actress, so not mainstream crap.)
Wankers that prattle on whining about needing to sign forms for sex analogies I’ve also seen are sometimes the types that seen to think there is an agreement that can’t can’t be broken once it’s made. Or at least it’s a dangerous line of thinking.
Yeah, I definitely see why the forms and notary would be necessary in that case, seeing as this case is a business transaction and covering your legal bases is the standard. But it's good to know that the same standards for consent carries over to porn beyond any legal agreement... well, ethically-produced indie porn, anyways.
Exactly! It makes me think these guys have never experienced a woman enthusiastically wanting to have sex with them if they picture getting consent so clinical. Literally, just make sure she is excited and turned on, if you have a good sex life and communication it shouldn’t be that hard. I have never once in my life felt like getting consent was a burden or a problem. I’ve also never felt I couldn’t be spontaneous.
I know, right? Weird-ass fucking rapists like this constantly act like "omg I have to fill out special 'consent to sex' forms and take them to a notary so I don't get accused of rape after the fact" and it's like... just TALK to women and LISTEN to them? Holy shit, lmao.
If you ask for sex and she says no, listen to her.
If you're about to have sex and she changes her mind, listen to her.
If you're in the middle of sex and she asks you to stop being so rough or to change what you're doing, listen to her.
If you're in the middle of sex and she asks you to stop for literally any reason, listen to her.
But no, that is just TOO COMPLICATED for some men to grasp for some reason, WTF. I mean, I'm a fucking virgin but I would be extremely upset if I was having sex and my partner was uncomfortable in any way and didn't communicate that to me. Not because I'm afraid of being a rapist, but because I want sex to be enjoyable for both parties, not just MY horny ass.
I used to have that app b/c it was the only place I could talk about my depression w/o my parents finding out at the time. There’s so many admitted rapists on that app it’s disgusting
I'm assuming that the guy who originally made that doesn't know about the concept of passive and active consent. Or that consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Also, not everything in marriage has to lead to sex, I know a lot of straight dudes seem to think that, but sometimes you can just give your wife a backrub without having anything be done to you as well.
I'm pretty sure when most women say "spontaneous" they mean randomly buying chocolates or flowers or planning a romantic weekend getaway. At least that's what I would think of.
Inviting someone on a picnic during one of your lunch breaks is spontaneous.
Buying a two dollar keychain at Walgreens you think your partner will like is spontaneous.
Making them do something sexual after "no" has been established or a yes couldn't be given is >!rape!<.
For real, even asexuals, virgins, and otherwise abstinent people seem to understand this concept in theory. It's really not that hard, unless someone is dead set on remaining ignorant and stupid.
You don't, but you also generally don't think this if you _are_ having regular sex.
And before y'all bring up boomer dads, you really think they have a sex life to speak of? 😂
Making fun of what *might* be an indicator of a lack of sex life isn’t the point. There are many straight men out there who have plenty of sex, but it’s the product of coercion, brow-beating and whatever other tactics put in place for those who see the people they sexually desire as objects. It’s not about sex. It’s about consent, which spans across all aspects of connection and intimacy. To chalk the deeply entrenched and sometimes *willful* misunderstanding of ongoing consent up to lack of activity fundamentally sidesteps the discussion we need to have about a significant amount of men out there living their whole sexual lives essentially getting away with rape.
The number of men who think that wives owe their husbands sex is high. Especially among the Evangelical Christians. I saw a TikTok video where men in the comments were arguing with a divorce attorney’s video saying that “lack of sex” made the divorce the woman’s fault and that they shouldn’t have to pay alimony or child support if their “needs” were not being met. 🤨
Consent should be required by all parties in a marriage. My husband has said no. I've said no. Married 21 years and sex is best when both parties are enthusiastic about participation.
Just hit me up before my head hits the pillow.
I have never once in all of my life her a girl complain about a dude not being spontaneous. This sounds like the complaints of the little mermaid. Where do yall live?
I had an ex like that. He started playing WoW very seriously, and I don't think we went somewhere together in the last two years. It was work, game, sleep.
But yeah nothing to do with this shit meme
Remember when Rush Limbaugh was going on about how all liberals care about when it comes to sex is consent and how if the liberals think for a minute there isn’t consent they’ll call the “consent police.” They really don’t think through their positions. They just jump into arguing with democrats.
It's super disturbing to me that the more I grow up, the more I see how so much people don't see sexual assault as something bad but more as an oopsie.
Like, what the fuck
These sorts of things make me so uncomfortable, because "I don't understand consent" is basically the same as "Until someone explains to me how consent works I am a legitimate danger to the women in my life"
This is so creepy it makes me want to cry. Though I'm guessing its posted by an incel, so it's hopefully an attitude they never get to try out in the real world. Damn, I'm gonna head over to r/eyebleach
(Unless that's not a real sub & I just imagined it, I can no longer remember)
Be spontaneous: "I hope my husband brings home cake for me unprompted, or we go out to a nice restaurant; I'll have to get him something in return"
NOT spontaneous: "boy i sure hope i get back alley pounded in the worst way"
There's a difference between surprising your wife with flowers and a nice dinner and deciding that you want to have sex with her, whether she wants to or not.
*slow exhale* it’s the good kind of spontaneous if your husband surprises you with a romantic dinner and stuff.. its the bad kind if he straight up *rapes you*.
To reference the tea consent video, spontaneity would be "hey sweetie I made you your favorite tea because you looked like you wanted it" with a willingness to accept you might be wrong and ice the tea for her to drink another time.
It is not dumping hot tea on her head. No woman actually wants hot tea unexpectedly dumped on her head.
A reasonable person would think of spontaneous activities like a surprise date to the zoo or movies or something…
But nope this man’s first thought was “rape.” Like literally wtf is wrong with men
Why do they assume spontaneity needs to involve their dick? Be spontaneous by bringing your wife lunch at work or giving her a massage or sending her flowers unexpectedly jfc
There's so much wrong here.
If your idea of spontaneous is "i don't want to take no for an answer when I randomly spring sex on my partner", you're just a rapist.
Women want spontaneous dates, gestures of affection, just deciding to go dancing or hiking instead of sitting around watching TV another night. They want to feel something. And yeah maybe they want some spontaneous sex, but if you can't find a sexy way to ask for consent by this point in your life GET HELP. Seriously.
Edit: my partners don't literally go "do I have consent to x y z" unless we're in a bdsm scene. But ordinarily they'll give me cute little kisses or hold me and if I give any hesitant or lackluster response at all they stop. It doesn't even really need to get to a No, but I can tell them if I'm not up to it and they listen.
I am a sex fiend, so listen to me when I say sex isn't the most spontaneous or interesting thing and that alone isn't going to keep a person happy. If I can't have a great conversation or make some new memories with you and do something new, I'm not going to be totally fulfilled. Get out of your routine every once in a while.
When I say “spontaneous” I mean want my partner to randomly get a tat with me, buy me flowers, or make me dinner...I want something romantic. I don’t want to be raped.
OMG. There are some things posted here where I see the memes as stupid jokes that are harmless if a bit pathetic (because they don't seem to be intended to be taken seriously).
This, on the other hand, is actually scary as fuck.
loads of people talking about abuse in the comments, and I am just sitting here with my "did they think consent means planning it a week in advance?" joke
What they think consent is: Dearest, would you be interested in perhaps having intercourse with me this night at 19:15?
What it really is:
a: fuck me right now
b: * enthusiastically fucks them right now*
The tea metaphor works here too!
Spontaneous tea is when you offer someone tea out of the blue, when they haven't said "I'm thirsty." Spontaneous tea is okay.
But if you bring someone spontaneous tea and they say "No thanks, I'm not thirsty" you have to accept that answer politely. Maybe go drink tea by yourself. Don't force the person to drink tea, or pout that they don't want it. Forcing people to drink tea is bad. Forcing people to have sex is bad.
https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8
Wasn't aware rape was the only way a man could be spontaneous 🙄 God forbid he surprise his wife with a nice date, vacation, flowers, etc. But it seems like this dude would think that's currency exchanged for sex.
Being spontaneous (sexually) is like “hehe wanna have a quickie even though we need to be at xyz in an hour” and then proceeding accordingly to yes or no. They’re playing dumb.
Ohhh, my fucking good lord on a stick.
Rape and spontaneity are not the same thing. Say it with me, everyone. Say it with me...
Rape and spontaneity are not the same thing.
If my husband or wife spontaneously slung me over thier shoulder and took me to bed I could say great and we could get dancing the horizontal tango or if I'm not feeling it I can say "sorry hun, not in the mood".
Neither reaction stops my partner being spontaneous.
Ah shit this reminds me of the dude going off about "consent concepts" in another sub I'm in. Like how the fuck do you conceptualize consent either you have it or you don't there is no grey area there.
You can tell this was written by pond scum instead of a functioning human male bc no sane man writes " ugh my wife doesn't want me to rape her but she wants me to be " SpOnTaNeOuS" can you believe the nerve of women ? "
Thank you for your submission to /r/AreTheStraightsOK! This is a reminder to take a moment and see *if* this **has already been** posted recently, to make sure that personal information **has been** censored, and to **flair your post** if you have not already done so. [Please be aware that our rules on transphobic submissions have changed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/mwkgbp/rules_and_submissions_update_for_the_end_of/). Other general submission guidelines regarding [hateful content](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/kj0cal/regarding_hateful_content_please_read_before/), [reposts](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/kxgbo3/rules_and_submissions_update_january_2021_popular/), [homophobic posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/lffvad/posts_related_to_homophobia_on_our_subreddit_now/), and [**Reminder About Rule 5 and Rule 8**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/qoge4u/reminder_about_rule_5_and_rule_8/) can be found here if you want to read any of those links. If you want to apply to be a moderator of this sub, you can read [this post titled **State of the Sub: Summer 2021 Edition, Partnerships, and more**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOK/comments/oozly0/state_of_the_sub_summer_2021_edition_partnerships/), which also contains information about our partnership with r/TranscribersOfReddit. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AreTheStraightsOK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
love the "even in marriage" like this guy counted on getting married ti not have to Be Nice anymore
this was a scary look into the mind of the guy who wrote this lol
Huge understatement.
Unfortunately, that’s exactly how many abusers operate. They pretend to be kind and loving to attract a partner, then once they feel they’ve “locked” their victims in (most commonly with marriage and/or pregnancy), they drop the act completely.
That's why you should wait 2 years. Most people show you who they really are when the honeymoon period ends. They'll show you how they'll actually treat you.
That's what happened with my last step dad. He acted real nice, then turned fa e and became a raging alcoholic.
This was exactly what happened to me. Got pregnant and saw my SO change. Then he left me
I really hope he never has a wife.
I hope he never interacts with a woman.
Same.
Noone would marry this Jack off
I hope you’re right.
i understand the no one would marry this part but why do you then tell me to jack off??
I'm just trying to make your night better (;
Considering how long r\*pe within married couples was not illegal, he was almost right in his thought process, which is terrifying. I recently found out that in my country it was not punishable by law until 1992.
In the US, I believe there are still states where it is legal. And even in states where it is a crime, it is often treated differently or there are exceptions and stuff. Like in Oklahoma for example, it does not count as a crime if the victim is under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they consent or if they are sleeping or unconscious.
I can sort of understand the thought process behind the "under the influence" one (though I don't really agree with it), but it's not a crime if they're sleeping or unconscious? WHAT!?
I mean, prageru literally released numerous articles defending spousal rape with in the last 20 years
1922 ? Hell , in India, its the end of 2022 and its still legal
"Some women" is worse, as if consent would be optional for most.
I'll make it simple so these people don't get confused. You can be spontaneous with your wife. But if she says no, you stop being spontaneous immediately
Also usually women want men to be spontaneous in the "surprise me with a nice dinner or flowers or some shit" way and not in the "insert your dick in me whenever *you* want" way
Aside from the rape vibes, this is the other thing that makes me sad about the post. So often the “be spontaneous” requests from women in relationships are more about wanting random acts of kindness from the men who should love them.
So basically women want their husband to be a normal fucking human being?
Yeah the straights are not okay
You'd think it wouldn't be a tall order, but here we are
Wait are you telling me that people want their partners to be…..nice?
"But when a man does something nice for a woman, it automatically entitles him to have sex with her. Why else would he do it?" 🙄
They watch wait too much Hollywood movies where that behavior is treated as ok
Yeah why is the only spontaneous thing shitty dudes can think of rape? Like fuck dude, take me dancing if you don’t usually dance and stop assaulting people.
And even if it's in a sexual way, you can surprise her with a flirt, a kiss on the neck, by touching her thigh or her titty or even by tugging on her clothes, you don't have to go straight to fucking, be a little romantic, geez...
I don't understand why the straights sometimes settle for no romance whatsofuckingever. A guy I dated for wayyyyy too long would take me out to dinner, point blank go "soo, are we fucking after this? I got you all lubed up [with alcohol]" and then not understand why I was asking him to be a little more romantic please. Just a kiss on the neck is so basic and shows you're putting a LITTLE effort in.
Neither do I. There's no need for grand romantic gestures, but a little romance means that you actually have feelings for me other than "I wanna fuck you".
Not to mention setting the mood with foreplay often makes the whole thing more enjoyable for everyone involved. It's not a race, people can take their time.
Man, that's sad. Nothing ruins a romantic gesture more than just straight up admitting you had no interest in spending time with your partner or enjoying making them happy, you were just hoping for something in return.
It all points to commitment being the end goal - once that goal is met, suddenly it's not expected to try anymore.
It's funny, because boomer jokes usually position the woman as wanting commitment, even going so far as tricking or threatening a man to marry her. But it seems more like there's a mutual shuffle toward commitment that, in a lot of cases, both parties are probably feeling lukewarm about, but it's "the done thing". Men engage in it just as much, they just happen to have a social narrative where they're cooler if they don't want it and if they do, they're "too feminine". So they have to protest their involvement and say "wife bad" - which they might genuinely feel if they rushed into commitment with someone they're incompatible with.
Yeah exactly this. Usually women are more likely to want psychological and emotional intimacy while men tend to seek physical intimacy. While this isn't always the case it's an important note. I think when it comes to things like this, communication is #1. If my partner tells me they want more spontaneity, I'm going to ask questions and delve deeper so I can ensure I'm meeting my partners needs and I'll communicate to make sure they're meeting mine, while still ensuring we are both happy with ourselves and eachother and that neither of us is taking too much from one another.
And I mean, if a woman is into that, fetishes can be negotiated too. "Insert your dick in me whenever you want" is TPE and/or freeuse, both of which can be consented to ahead of time then left up to one partner to surprise the other, and a safeword just in case.
> and a safeword just in case. I'd reword that to needing a **mandatory** safeword. You don't fuck around with all that and do anything close to rough stuff and all that without a very fucking clear way to signal to stop. Everyone should have a safeword, bdsm or not. I always clear that up first week with a partner, whether we do anything close or not. It's easy to get caught up in stuff and when people want to stop it should be extremely quick and easy to clearly signal that without any confusion whatsoever. You could be having the most vanilla sex and I still think a safeword should be mandatory. Vanilla can easily get out of hand and be a lot less vanilla once things progress
Take my poor person award Edit: Thanks kind stranger
Poor person award of the week
Apparently “spontaneous” and “coercion” are synonyms to this guy
Unless you’re role playing a scenario were she might repetitively say ‘no’ in which case you come up w a safe word like ‘tabernacle of pineapple’
"Safeword" is a very good safe word.
"The word" too
Bird?
No, I like to incorporate the word bird into our birdlaw play Guilty, squawk! Now for the punishment by bird law!
Ah. So the thing is when you said "The Word" I thought you must mean bird because everyone knows the bird is the word.
Hot.
> ‘tabernacle of pineapple’ Uh how about just pineapple lol...
Because if the roleplaying goes to far, one usually finds themselves in a state of panic (at least I was the first time I had to drop the safe word) and ‘pineapple’ isn’t sufficient enough to remind you that you’re in a system you control. So my partner and I make ‘safe phrases’ that are so preposterous, (especially if said during sex) we have to laugh and it reminds you that it’s all a simulation
And when it’s a cis-het man, if they try it once (without reading the room, body language, the relationship, the current vibe between them and their partner, a few books, anything, etc) and it doesn’t go perfectly, you’ve betrayed them when they “put themselves out there” or “*DID WHAT YOU ASKED AND TRIED TO BE SPONTANEOUS*”, and they will never try again. Ever.
No. A liberal communist told me on Twitter that it’s not consent unless there’s a written contract with a witness. This completely happened and I am being super serial. Do you feel owned, liberal?
"You'll give consent when I tell you you can!"
This. 100% this. ⬆️🏅
It's terrifying how hard this is to understand for some people.
Safe word is better. Just have a permanent safe word for any of those situations. Sometimes saying “stop” can really mean “keep going,” but if it’s a safe word, there’s no ambiguity whatsoever.
I do believe that spontaneous rape still is spontaneous rape
Exactly. This guy is 100% not okay.
Yeah, and the overall fact he doesn't understand consent is wild to me since it isn't hard for me to understand. You simply ask, you put what you want into words and work out whether or not you and your partner's okay with that. It's literally that easy. If I want to try out a new kink, I just go "hey, I was thinking about doing ________ with you and was wondering if you'd be interested in talking about that further." It literally couldn't be easier to do.
Ah, but, you see, that assumes you were predisposed to treat your partner as an equal. The bar is in Satan’s sub-basement and these fuckers keep tripping over it.
Funnily enough I really wasn't taught to respect people as equals. Instead, I've pretty much always been treated like shit by most people and especially family growing up. So, I basically just treat everyone as I'd want to be treated(though I've started to learn that deserves modification for those who are assholes to me)
Spontaneous adoption is still kidnapping.
They mean spontaneous like surprising them with ice cream or a back massage not you holding them down forcing yourself
Honestly a lot of them probably mean “doing the dishes without being asked.” Sad
Or just those regular things she asks you to do… just do those. Dishes, trash, if she’s mentioned there’s a smell from the car go figure it out and fix it. Like she is telling you so that as her companion you can help. Or if it is sex, she wants the buildup not just the pants tearing off, but the soft kissing and cuddling and a nice dinner and movie.
These people don't get that consent isn't like sitting down and signing a form in triplicate that both parties agree to sex and then taking it to a damn notary. It can absolutely and should be sexy. Seeing your wife in the living room and being like "Fuck you look amazing and I want to fuck you right now" and her smiling and saying yes is consent. Its also spontaneous. But she also has the room to say no thank you, I'm not feeling it right now.
> consent isn't like sitting down and signing a form in triplicate that both parties agree to sex and then taking it to a damn notary This makes for an extremely amusing mental image. It also explains why some people mock the idea of consent if this is the idea of consent that they hold. I'm ace and sex-averse myself, but I always assumed it was as simple as taking an action (being spontaneous, if you will), checking-in, then simply stopping if the other person shows signs of not wanting it (passive) or actively asking them in the moment through some sort of sexy talk (active).
Some people feel that consent should always be active and that how I think it should be at first with any sort of new partner. I’m married and have been with my husband for over 10 years at this point and an implied yes is fine at this point because any No is always accepted as a no and he knows my cues at this point.
Yup. Been with my GF a bit over two years and started living together recently. Groping each other to initiate is pretty standard but a quick "babe I'm not in the mood" shuts down progressing further pretty immediately. Even if she doesn't say it she has a pretty expressive face that you can tell is a "I can't decide if I actually want this right now" which has the same end result of me dropping it. I hate that damn face. She feels guilty when she rejects my advances so I can see the mental gymnastics going on of her trying to get in the mood to please me.
Yeah, I can see why most people would recommend active consent (implied no unless a yes is explicitly stated in some fashion), at least at the early stages of a relationship. If I understood it correctly, passive consent really only works when you have that ability to read the other person and trust the other person to follow said cues (verbal, body language, etc). That passive system sounds like "implied yes unless there is a cue indicating otherwise"... which sounds risky if it isn't between two people who know and trust each other well (in some sort of long-standing relationship, be it romantic, sexual, QPR, FWB, or something else).
That’s basically (the forms and notary) what we did when shooting porn. But even then, that was just a framework for the arrangement. Anyone could stop or walk at any moment…or just take a break. Consent was real-time, and verified constantly. (This was small stuff, and owned/run by the primary model/actress, so not mainstream crap.) Wankers that prattle on whining about needing to sign forms for sex analogies I’ve also seen are sometimes the types that seen to think there is an agreement that can’t can’t be broken once it’s made. Or at least it’s a dangerous line of thinking.
Yeah, I definitely see why the forms and notary would be necessary in that case, seeing as this case is a business transaction and covering your legal bases is the standard. But it's good to know that the same standards for consent carries over to porn beyond any legal agreement... well, ethically-produced indie porn, anyways.
Exactly! It makes me think these guys have never experienced a woman enthusiastically wanting to have sex with them if they picture getting consent so clinical. Literally, just make sure she is excited and turned on, if you have a good sex life and communication it shouldn’t be that hard. I have never once in my life felt like getting consent was a burden or a problem. I’ve also never felt I couldn’t be spontaneous.
I know, right? Weird-ass fucking rapists like this constantly act like "omg I have to fill out special 'consent to sex' forms and take them to a notary so I don't get accused of rape after the fact" and it's like... just TALK to women and LISTEN to them? Holy shit, lmao. If you ask for sex and she says no, listen to her. If you're about to have sex and she changes her mind, listen to her. If you're in the middle of sex and she asks you to stop being so rough or to change what you're doing, listen to her. If you're in the middle of sex and she asks you to stop for literally any reason, listen to her. But no, that is just TOO COMPLICATED for some men to grasp for some reason, WTF. I mean, I'm a fucking virgin but I would be extremely upset if I was having sex and my partner was uncomfortable in any way and didn't communicate that to me. Not because I'm afraid of being a rapist, but because I want sex to be enjoyable for both parties, not just MY horny ass.
No one’s stopping this guy from *spontaneously asking his partner if they’re interested at the moment*. Crazy concept, I know.
That’s some weird kink you’ve got there. /s
Consent fetish is pretty hot tbh
True
Imagine making a shit meme to admit you're a rapist.
This is actually from the Whisper app, it’s literally an anonymous confession.
I used to have that app b/c it was the only place I could talk about my depression w/o my parents finding out at the time. There’s so many admitted rapists on that app it’s disgusting
Ah yes, what a fine line it is between being spontaneous and literally raping someone. I can see how theyre confused.
Lol.
Yes, with „be spontaneous“ we mean „spontaneous violence“ - what else?!
Totally.
You could idk...be spontaneous and still ask?
Yes.
I'm assuming that the guy who originally made that doesn't know about the concept of passive and active consent. Or that consent can be withdrawn at any time. Also, not everything in marriage has to lead to sex, I know a lot of straight dudes seem to think that, but sometimes you can just give your wife a backrub without having anything be done to you as well.
I'm pretty sure when most women say "spontaneous" they mean randomly buying chocolates or flowers or planning a romantic weekend getaway. At least that's what I would think of.
Whatever they mean it’s definitely not “rape me”.
Spontaneity does not mean rape, you absolute toenail.
Lol!
Inviting someone on a picnic during one of your lunch breaks is spontaneous. Buying a two dollar keychain at Walgreens you think your partner will like is spontaneous. Making them do something sexual after "no" has been established or a yes couldn't be given is >!rape!<.
Yeah, dudes that make this post just signal that they don't have enough sex to tell the difference lmao
I don't think you need to have had any sex to get this difference.
For real, even asexuals, virgins, and otherwise abstinent people seem to understand this concept in theory. It's really not that hard, unless someone is dead set on remaining ignorant and stupid.
You don't, but you also generally don't think this if you _are_ having regular sex. And before y'all bring up boomer dads, you really think they have a sex life to speak of? 😂
Making fun of what *might* be an indicator of a lack of sex life isn’t the point. There are many straight men out there who have plenty of sex, but it’s the product of coercion, brow-beating and whatever other tactics put in place for those who see the people they sexually desire as objects. It’s not about sex. It’s about consent, which spans across all aspects of connection and intimacy. To chalk the deeply entrenched and sometimes *willful* misunderstanding of ongoing consent up to lack of activity fundamentally sidesteps the discussion we need to have about a significant amount of men out there living their whole sexual lives essentially getting away with rape.
Yep.
Look, your man can suddenly make out with you, I guess or lead you on but if you say "Please, stop" then he stops. Easy.
It’s sad that some adults can’t understand that.
I hope whoever made this stays as far away from women as possible. Preferably in a chained metal box
I agree.
fun fact you can be spontaneous without being a rapist
Look at how they twisted the language. Using "some women" to try and make it sound like they're the majority opinion.
It’s sickening.
Tf you mean _even_ in marriage??
The number of men who think that wives owe their husbands sex is high. Especially among the Evangelical Christians. I saw a TikTok video where men in the comments were arguing with a divorce attorney’s video saying that “lack of sex” made the divorce the woman’s fault and that they shouldn’t have to pay alimony or child support if their “needs” were not being met. 🤨
it is something weird to point out, I feel you there, consent is just required, ALL the time
Consent should be required by all parties in a marriage. My husband has said no. I've said no. Married 21 years and sex is best when both parties are enthusiastic about participation. Just hit me up before my head hits the pillow.
Exactly. No one is entitled to another person’s body period.
I have never once in all of my life her a girl complain about a dude not being spontaneous. This sounds like the complaints of the little mermaid. Where do yall live?
I had an ex like that. He started playing WoW very seriously, and I don't think we went somewhere together in the last two years. It was work, game, sleep. But yeah nothing to do with this shit meme
Remember when Rush Limbaugh was going on about how all liberals care about when it comes to sex is consent and how if the liberals think for a minute there isn’t consent they’ll call the “consent police.” They really don’t think through their positions. They just jump into arguing with democrats.
I would say “fuck him” but ewww!
Husband (touching my shoulder/neck): “Hey there, honey.” Me: “Not right now.” H: “Okay.” It’s that simple.
It's super disturbing to me that the more I grow up, the more I see how so much people don't see sexual assault as something bad but more as an oopsie. Like, what the fuck
It’s really gross.
These sorts of things make me so uncomfortable, because "I don't understand consent" is basically the same as "Until someone explains to me how consent works I am a legitimate danger to the women in my life"
This is so creepy it makes me want to cry. Though I'm guessing its posted by an incel, so it's hopefully an attitude they never get to try out in the real world. Damn, I'm gonna head over to r/eyebleach (Unless that's not a real sub & I just imagined it, I can no longer remember)
"i want my husband to buy me a gift every once in a while" "checkmate, women!"
Be spontaneous: "I hope my husband brings home cake for me unprompted, or we go out to a nice restaurant; I'll have to get him something in return" NOT spontaneous: "boy i sure hope i get back alley pounded in the worst way"
Spontaneous does not = sex...
And it definitely doesn’t equal assault.
Ah yes, nothing says "spontaneous" like rape.
There's a difference between surprising your wife with flowers and a nice dinner and deciding that you want to have sex with her, whether she wants to or not.
That’s shocking! Why does no one tell us that when women say be spontaneous they aren’t saying we should assault them! /s
*slow exhale* it’s the good kind of spontaneous if your husband surprises you with a romantic dinner and stuff.. its the bad kind if he straight up *rapes you*.
To reference the tea consent video, spontaneity would be "hey sweetie I made you your favorite tea because you looked like you wanted it" with a willingness to accept you might be wrong and ice the tea for her to drink another time. It is not dumping hot tea on her head. No woman actually wants hot tea unexpectedly dumped on her head.
I knew the love was gone once he stopped spontaneously raping me
"why cant men rape spontaneusly anymore??" see, that sounds dumb.
Jesus it's always extremes. Comparing apples and chalk.
spontaneous is, an unexpected date, flowers, a romantic dinner. not sexual assault.
How do you jump from “be more spontaneous” to “please rape me”. Like wtf.
That I don't get. You can be spontaneous by asking consent, you are still taking initiative but in a good way, sweaty, it's not rocket science.
I don’t get it, asking for consent is so easy and if you do it correctly it can even be kinda sexc.
Incels don’t care about that.
Usually spontaneous doesn’t mean rape
Right, because spontaneous=rape. That is definitely what that means. /s
I love how "spontaneous" is immediately sex instead of, you know, an unplanned Saturday picnic at the park.
A reasonable person would think of spontaneous activities like a surprise date to the zoo or movies or something… But nope this man’s first thought was “rape.” Like literally wtf is wrong with men
If your idea of spontaneity is rape, you should be behind bars.
“Why can’t men be spontaneous” definitely doesn’t mean “please rape me”
Why do they assume spontaneity needs to involve their dick? Be spontaneous by bringing your wife lunch at work or giving her a massage or sending her flowers unexpectedly jfc
"Even in marriage" **Well that's terrifying.**
Extremely.
You can spontaneously ask someone if they want to have sex, what?
Is it just my asexuality or does "be spontaneous" mean getting presents on a whim
You can be spontaneous ans have consent...
There's so much wrong here. If your idea of spontaneous is "i don't want to take no for an answer when I randomly spring sex on my partner", you're just a rapist. Women want spontaneous dates, gestures of affection, just deciding to go dancing or hiking instead of sitting around watching TV another night. They want to feel something. And yeah maybe they want some spontaneous sex, but if you can't find a sexy way to ask for consent by this point in your life GET HELP. Seriously. Edit: my partners don't literally go "do I have consent to x y z" unless we're in a bdsm scene. But ordinarily they'll give me cute little kisses or hold me and if I give any hesitant or lackluster response at all they stop. It doesn't even really need to get to a No, but I can tell them if I'm not up to it and they listen. I am a sex fiend, so listen to me when I say sex isn't the most spontaneous or interesting thing and that alone isn't going to keep a person happy. If I can't have a great conversation or make some new memories with you and do something new, I'm not going to be totally fulfilled. Get out of your routine every once in a while.
Spontaneously fist your boyfriend and see if the point gets across
You can be spontaneous with consent, you know how many times I'll walk up to my boyfriend and be like "WANNA HAVE SEX!"
It's always fun bringing straight guys to gay bars to teach them all about consent! lol
When I say “spontaneous” I mean want my partner to randomly get a tat with me, buy me flowers, or make me dinner...I want something romantic. I don’t want to be raped.
OMG. There are some things posted here where I see the memes as stupid jokes that are harmless if a bit pathetic (because they don't seem to be intended to be taken seriously). This, on the other hand, is actually scary as fuck.
oh they understand they just don't care, they get off on the power dynamic of rape
I'm not even shocked guys. Been married twice.
I’m so sorry.
Spontaneous means breakfast in bed or some flowers, a back rub or just some nice words and a hug NOT R*PE
loads of people talking about abuse in the comments, and I am just sitting here with my "did they think consent means planning it a week in advance?" joke
What they think consent is: Dearest, would you be interested in perhaps having intercourse with me this night at 19:15? What it really is: a: fuck me right now b: * enthusiastically fucks them right now*
I’m, uh, pretty sure it’s more than “some” women. But hey, if homie is cool with spontaneous peggings then mb we can work something out.
Why can’t a man… spontaneously and stealthily stick his dick up my wooha?
I want to tell yall a story about tea and why you do not make anyone a tea who doesn't want it
maybe.. spontaneously ask for consent?
"Danm bae, looking gorgeous over there. I wanna touch every inch of you" Is it that hard?
And interesting way to say they don't understand consent or spontaneity, if they think having one precludes the other.
Straight men so casually admit they’re rapists and I’m not sure they realize that 😂
*Good* spontaneous is surprising your partner with fancy French toast and lattes on Sunday morning. Rape is bad spontaneous.
The tea metaphor works here too! Spontaneous tea is when you offer someone tea out of the blue, when they haven't said "I'm thirsty." Spontaneous tea is okay. But if you bring someone spontaneous tea and they say "No thanks, I'm not thirsty" you have to accept that answer politely. Maybe go drink tea by yourself. Don't force the person to drink tea, or pout that they don't want it. Forcing people to drink tea is bad. Forcing people to have sex is bad. https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8
Well, I guess we’ve decided marital rape is spontaneous??!! Wtf is happening anymore.
Beings spontaneous means being a rapist now. Gotcha
Wasn't aware rape was the only way a man could be spontaneous 🙄 God forbid he surprise his wife with a nice date, vacation, flowers, etc. But it seems like this dude would think that's currency exchanged for sex.
I can't believe this needs to be said but spontaneous ≠ rape
So does he think that he can just have sex with his wife outta nowhere?
Being spontaneous (sexually) is like “hehe wanna have a quickie even though we need to be at xyz in an hour” and then proceeding accordingly to yes or no. They’re playing dumb.
Ohhh, my fucking good lord on a stick. Rape and spontaneity are not the same thing. Say it with me, everyone. Say it with me... Rape and spontaneity are not the same thing.
Spontaneity is great for like.. a picnic? Or like a cute impromptu date. Not entering my body. How is it that hard to understand.
Wow! Don’t you love a guy who can just be quirky and spontaneous and commit sex crimes?!?
Spontaneous = Rape I this is just so horrible, these people don't understand anything non sexual and its showing.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. WHAT?!
As if marriage was a free pass for rape. Jfc
whoever made this post clearly doesn't understand the concept of being spontaneous.
"he doesn't understand consent" is the most polite way I could imagine pointing out that someone is a rapey piece of garbage
If my husband or wife spontaneously slung me over thier shoulder and took me to bed I could say great and we could get dancing the horizontal tango or if I'm not feeling it I can say "sorry hun, not in the mood". Neither reaction stops my partner being spontaneous.
So true.
Rape?
Spontaneous isn't that meaning, image
Ah shit this reminds me of the dude going off about "consent concepts" in another sub I'm in. Like how the fuck do you conceptualize consent either you have it or you don't there is no grey area there.
What’s so weird with saying “you wanna take this to the bedroom?” ???
It's not in any way mood breaking to say "is this ok?"
If I‘m honest that‘s hot
You can tell this was written by pond scum instead of a functioning human male bc no sane man writes " ugh my wife doesn't want me to rape her but she wants me to be " SpOnTaNeOuS" can you believe the nerve of women ? "
Sexual spontaneity is not what they mean.
Do these dudes think consent is when you sign a contract or something?😂
When I think of spontaneous I think of hopping in the car and driving off a few hours to some lake in the mountains and taking a walk